The Luke and Pete Show - Badge of dad

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

Luke is trying to buy a safe. His journey into fatherhood is officially complete.Today, he and Pete hear from a listener that found a stash of Gaviscon buried in their local park. On top of that, a different listener tells them about the time that they once caught some renegade putting brown sauce on a slice of cake. Incredible behaviour.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Subscribe to our YouTube HERE.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet. Visit rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. All right, we're back with the Luke and Pete show. I'm Petey Donaldson.

I think that they should start making films based on my IP. Never mind your Mickey Mouse and your Winnie Pooh. Just make... It's Winnie the Pooh. Winnie Pooh. Not Winnie Pooh not Winnie Pooh where are all the other Poohs then? where are all the other Poohs Luke? show me the village of Poohs

I'm presuming it's something like Ewok Village where everyone's all fucking morose and eating honey pathetic I think that it's Winnie the Pooh

because it's like a really posh character that you know that some A.A. Mill was presumably quite posh. Right, yeah, okay.

And so, like, Pooh Bear. Can you imagine, like, if you went to, like, a really upper-middle-class dinner party, you suddenly got invited to one. Yeah. Suspend your disbelief for a minute. Yeah. Me and Pete are one of those.

You can just imagine, like, the kind of, the most spoilt girl at the party had a nickname that her parents gave her when she was a baby was Pooh. You can imagine it, right? Yeah, I could see that, yeah. And that's where it's come from, I think. I presume A.A. Milne was just posh, basically.

I mean, Luke, you say that we would never be invited to any posh parties, but I'll have you know that my first few days at De Montfort University, an ex-polytechnic, was exactly like the film Saltburn. So I very much spent a lot of time among the upper classes, the upper crust. I mean, you've got a bit of a character actor about you,

to be fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Barry Keane kind of vibe. But I think I'm, yeah. I brought my own bath-a-cum. Don't use your one. Pete, come on. What?

We can't start the week with that what's the poshest party you've ever been to there's a question for you oh erm a house

a townhouse in erm er near Abbey Road erm where there were

a lot of just plates of cocaine out like that that was that was like that That was like... I was like, they don't usually just have that around. Who's playing?

You guys must be well off. People's houses? I don't know about you. No, what? I don't leave plates of cocaine. Cost of living crisis? You're joking, aren't you? Cheaper than petrol, probably.

Yeah, might be. But the most the poshest event I've ever been to was I was an usher at a wedding once the wedding has since dissolved

the marriage sorry has since dissolved where it was a massive stately home owned by do you know the Fox Pitt family

no is it anything to do with Pitt the Elder? So the Fox Pitt families, they're like all equestrians, I think. Right.

Okay. So you've got William Fox Pitt, who was, I think he won the Olympic medals. That's interesting because both of those names would startle a

horse, a Pitt, a Fox. And a Fox, yeah. So he's against the odds, he's triumphed there. Against the odds. He's had a life of great hardship and he's fought against the odds

anyway the people who got married had money I think one of them was one of them I just knew them because I worked

briefly with the husband yeah and the I think the wife had a father

who owned an airline maybe okay right so they basically had money and it was at this massive stately home wife had a father who owned an airline, maybe. Okay. Right. So they basically had money. And it was at this massive stately home where everyone stayed on the grounds. It was pretty good, to be fair.

The only thing was it rained all day, which was a bit of a shame. But that's probably the poshest place I've been to, barring the obvious, which I won't divulge on here because I'm not allowed to the the the only thing was there wasn't that island from that

financier that is fucking out of order Luke's on the list Luke's on the list I knew this day would come I knew you were going to do this I knew you were going to do this bit

I saw you have it written down your notepad about three years ago I thought one day you'd do that bit Luke's on the list he's Lukey on the list that's the that's the title is lukey on the list stop deflecting from you hanging out at parties

name one person that was at that party you're at uh no no i don't to be honest there wasn't any there wasn't anybody anyone would know really i suppose but yeah i was just like like, this is posh. And they had, like, parts of the house that they had, like, sort of gates. So they could gate off parts of the house, which is fascinating. Like in Johannesburg. Remember when Johannesburg had that? Yes, they did, yeah.

I guess posh houses probably need that. That's for security reasons. I bet there was a safe room. I bet there was a safe room with loads of cork. I'm trying to buy a safe at the moment. You're trying to buy a safe? Yeah. Talk to me about this safe, Loki Mill.

What are you going to keep in there? Documents? Yeah. What would you like to know? The fact of the matter is, I'm obviously my dad now, so I want to make sure that I keep things secure. It's a dad instinct. Do you know what stopped me buying a safe so far?

Right. Is I keep seeing, every single one I look at, I see the reviews in which some presume, it's obviously a man, has reviewed saying, oh, the walls of this safe aren't that solid. I could break through that pretty easily, actually. Three stars out of five. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to buy it now.

Well, if you put like, surely like a floor safe is safer. Just drill a hole, get a bit of cement down, bang it in there. I'm not making to buy it now. Well, if you put like, surely like a floor safe is safer. Just drill a hole, get a bit of cement down, bang it in there. That's what we used to have in the betting shops. I'm not making my own, I live on the first floor.

No, but you just, all right, well, don't do that then. But submerge a safe that's designed to be in the floor. Pop it in. This is way out of my comfort zone. I can't do that.

Dig a hole in the garden, put a bit of cement down, and then just get a little safe in there. Yeah. Lovely. No. I just want to buy a safe that I put in the cupboard. But then what if someone picks it up and runs off with it under their arm?

I want to buy one with a fingerprint on it. I want to buy... Yeah, well, they're less safe, though, aren't they? Anything that's got fingerprints or Wi-Fi access, they're just in a situation where it's just... Surely the fingerprint is the most safe thing given I'm the only person

who's ever lived with this fingerprint. Because if you add... Just get one with a decent lock on it. Just get one with a decent lock on it. It's just activated by...

Right, tell me... Answer me this objectively now. Right. What is safer? My personal fingerprint or a PIN number? I guarantee watch any of the

lockpicking lawyer on YouTube most of these kind of newfangled safes with wifi access with fingerprint access they're just not as safe

because they've just been built cheaply with cheap Chinese sort of electronics on top of it as a kind of security layer and it's just

not working out what would you do erm just give his stuff to a friend, family friend. Put it behind a painting on the wall. Exactly. That's what I want to do. Put it under, just create a series of wall cavity passages,

passageways, so you can run around and you can look out the eyeballs of some of the paintings. That'd be good. Given the fact that I live in quite a closed-in Victorian maisonette in South London, I can't go through the wall, I can't go through the floor, what would you do?

Well, that's what I mean, because you can't really, I mean, you'd have to basically anything like that, I think it's just you've just got to slow them down, innit? That's what I'm saying. You're just slowing people down. Exactly. So just make it an awkward shape.

Grease it. Put it in a carrier bag covered in grease. My reasoning is, heaven forbid, if someone broke into my home and they wanted to make off with stuff, a burglary is basically a quick crime. They don't want to be hanging around. They just want to be in and out, don't they? If there's something in a safe, in a cupboard somewhere,

they're not going to bother with it. I don't know what people... They don't steal tellies anymore. What do people steal? Laptops, phones? That's about it, really, isn't it? I knew someone who turned out to be a house burglar. And this is back where I grew up. And he was

in and out of jail for it. And I didn't actually know what he was in and out of jail for it, and I didn't actually know what he was in and out of jail for at the time. Years later, I found out. I chatted to him, and he's a reformed character now anyway, but he said that what they used to do, it's one of those crimes, home burglary, which is far, far worse

than I think society gives it credit for. I've had my house burgled once when I was in it. I was asleep in the bedroom with my then girlfriend and someone broke into the living room and stole all the stuff. It was fucking awful. It was such a violation of safety. It was far, far more impactful than just the possessions that are taken.

It's a terrible, terrible crime. I don't think, because the law, the justice system is absolute arse in this country and that's a whole other conversation. It's so underfunded for so long because basically people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. If you say to an

average Joe on the street who's maybe leaning a little bit right towards the Conservatives for example, they'll say things like, oh yeah, I want to be tough on crime I want to be law and order and stuff but they don't want to pay for it. They don't want to say yes, we'll be tough on crime, I want to be law and order and stuff, but they don't want to pay for it. They don't want to say, yes, we'll be tough on crime, but actually it's going to cost you X amount more in tax to have a functioning justice system because that is valuable,

that is a cornerstone of democracy. They just go, well, we're just going to slash costs. So basically, you get people now who are victims of terrible crimes, you have to wait two years for a court case. It's wild, right? Anyway, so the justice system doesn't properly, in my view, understand how much of a violation a home burglary is.

So I'm not making light of it. I've been a victim of it before. And that would surely impact in the NHS, mental health care and stuff like that. I could send people through a bloody loop. The girlfriend I had at the time, one of the biggest, I'm not going to fucking, you know,

betray our confidence, but just in general terms, the biggest upshot of the whole thing was that they didn't want to live in the house anymore. Yeah. They just didn't want to be there. Yeah. For months afterwards,

and we couldn't afford to move. It was terrible. Anyway, I was just going to say, as a point of interest, you asked the question what they do. The guy I know, his thing was he would case a house. He would wait for them to know the pattern, know they were going to be out. He would get in through a window or whatever, and they would lay a massive blanket or bed sheet out in the middle of the floor of the living room.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Just top stuff up. Everything they could in that. Get it over their shoulder, get out again, and then later on assess what they had. That's basically what he did. And he used, yeah. Just toss stuff up. Everything they could in that, get it over their shoulder, get out again, and then later on assess what they had. That's basically what he, and he used to do houses

over and over again. He used to do, not obviously the same house, that'd be mental, but he used to do different houses over and over again. And that's basically, as far as I know,

how they used to do it. In terms of the proper cat burgle and stuff that do it when people are on holiday, like the home alone type thing, I don't know how that works, but it's an awful,

awful thing anyway yeah well look where were we going with that don't rob houses for crying out loud well I hope you find

the safe that works for you but I'm just saying go old school don't piss about with this new kind of wifi the problem is the old school ones

are so heavy I wonder I can't get it upstairs that's not your issue though is it well it is we're getting it in we've carried heavy things through your house before I think we've killed that man Hmm. That's not your issue, though, is it? Well, it is. We're getting it in.

We've carried heavy things through your house before, I think. We've killed that man. Yeah, we have. We have, actually. That's another story. Not related to home burglary, I might add. But yeah, I just feel like you could be helping me more because you know all that stuff. Could I 3D print myself a safe?

You probably could print the components from a lock, but I don't think it'd be quite flimsy, it all being made of plastic. Someone just punch it and it breaks. Just ruin everything you've got, and it's just unstealable. Like, I honestly think there's just so much shit in my house, they wouldn't know where to start.

They'd be like, I've got no idea what any of this is. Was it Shola Ramiobi who thought he got burgled, but it was just his house was untidy? Yes, that's right, yeah. Was it him? It was someone like that, wasn't it? It was, it was indeed Shola Ramiobi you thought he got burgled, but it was just his house was untidy? Yes, that's right, yeah. Was it him? It was someone like that, wasn't it? It was, it was indeed. It was indeed Shola Ramiobi.

Ed, my friend and friend of the show, Ed Stern, has sent me, you, and a couple of other people from the Ramble, a dad key. Speaking of keys and being a dad. I haven't seen this. A dad key. You've not seen it yet? Because I got it over Christmas. He's basically sent a small plastic bar,

and I'm reading this off the text he sent me, about the size of a pack of chewing gum flattened at one end with a pin at the other. It was designed originally to be a Lego tool to unstick stuck blocks. Oh, I know it, yeah. But it is also perfect for scraping off lime scale being harder than lime scale but softer than porcelain and to have that on your keyring he says is a badge of dad

it means a great thing i love that all day long i've got them i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna hand them over uh as soon as i get back to the studio is it actually a lego product peter it is a lego product yeah so it's just nice that i just like that someone's created that in Lego towers in Norway, Sweden, Finland. Denmark. Denmark. And they've created something, but it's actually quite useful for something else

and people are buying it presumably en masse because it's just really useful for just scratching things off. Yeah. There must be a word for things that are invented for one purpose but then go on to become more useful. Superglue we talked about before Christmas. Superglue's a good example. Superglue, yeah.

Great example, yeah. Condoms, they were just for fun. They were just sticking on your head and blowing it up. Little throwback there to the chat on Thursday about Tom of Finland, famous Norwegian artist. Famous Norwegian artist, yeah. little chat little throwback there to the chat on thursday about tom of finland famous um famous norwegian artist yeah i wouldn't care like i use tom and because i because a lot of like wrestling doing a wrestling podcast a lot of like wrestling stuff is like leather daddies and big muscle men and basically ravishing rick rude is a tom of finland cartoon big muscular

kind of cut from rock graniteite, kind of sexy man. They're all Tom of Finland, like, wank fantasies, basically. But, yeah. Yeah, it's interesting the psychology behind that. I mean, apparently Tom of Finland, real name is Tuuko Valio Laxonen, is officially the most influential creator of gay pornographic images in history. Yeah. So he's made his mark on the world.

And that mark. He's made an impact piece, all I'm going to say. They are very heavily stylized, kind of very distinctive, instantly recognized. You know it's Tom Finland, yeah. That's the hallmark of a great artist, isn't it?

That you know as soon as you see it, oh, that's them. It's just absolutely amazing ink work, quite apart from how fucking horny it is. The actual nuts and bolts of it is just really fucking solid work. The masculinity element of a lot of modern pastimes, such as professional wrestling and mma and and boxing actually to an extent as well it's it always cracks me up and i'm not an expert

in this i have studied masculinity a little bit american masculinity in the minute so i know a bit about it it's very very obvious and interesting to me how like almost like how deliberately ignoring of the homoerotic undertones that clearly exist that the main protagonists within that sport will kind of do. They'll go to so much rhetorical gymnastics in their own mind

and not understand that something that goes so masculine is at the same time obviously so homoerotic. You know, it's quite interesting. Look, an example I would say, and like I say, I'm not an expert on this, but I'll just put it out there for your comment. Like, there's actually no real practical reason why MMA fighters need to wear such small, tight pants.

Right? Right, okay. Yeah. Well, is it not just like grabbable? Can you not just grab them? Yeah, yeah but i mean you can still grab them i don't think you're allowed to grab them in the laws of the sport anyway right okay so if you if you are if you aren't they're still grabbable you know you might as well do what the um ancient greeks did just be naked yeah i mean they're beating they're beating seven bells of shit out of each other it's an adult sport just get just take your

clothes off then but you would you not put, what if someone punches you so hard, you shit yourself and your willy is really small? Because your willy is going to be small because it's like, Have they thought of that? Your willy,

you always get a small willy when you do sport. Exactly, yeah. Well, on one of the YouTube comment that we got on the WrestleMe YouTube page, made me laugh because me and Mark were discussing like,

what do, you know, what do wrestlers wear underneath? You know, what's this kind of weird kind of pants that they seem to wear underneath their their jockeys

and and they said it's interesting these two blokes are clearly not gay and clearly not jocks either

because they've never heard of a jockstrap what is that piece of machinery that they seem to wear I used to find I could never when I played football I could never wear a jockstrap what is that piece of machinery that they seem to wear I used to find I could never when I played football

I could never wear a jockstrap it's too uncomfortable yeah I don't really really basically your whole bot bot is exposed yeah well I mean

what you were wearing some you were wearing shorts as well I always wear like compression shorts like really tight like underarm but the point

I'm not trying to make any kind of you know I'm not trying to But the point, I'm not trying to make any kind of, I'm not trying to be pejorative, I'm not trying to judge anyone, I'm just saying it's quite an interesting aspect. I would say, you know, the hyper-masculine world of, say, organised crime or gang violence and stuff, there's

a reason why, and you can apply it to so many areas of life, there's a reason why men like playing the guitar, and the guitar's shaped as it is and why cars are shaped like they are, why guns are like they are. They're all basic extension of the penis, right? That's the truism of it.

And I think so many people are unaware of that idea that it's a show of hyper-masculinity, which in itself is a celebration of the phallus, which in itself is linked to homosexuality and stuff. It's just part of it. And I think that you can be someone

in this current society in the West that can go and watch MMA with your mates and you can go and have such a hyper-masculine time and watch two men fight each other for basically male dominance in a pair of tiny pants and they're absolutely ripped. And you can say, this is the most manly thing you can do

yeah well I just find it an interesting concept that's all what's the least manly thing you can do that's the question probably do a podcast

I'd say probably do a podcast podcast talking about manly men yeah I'm not saying it's good or bad I'm honestly not trying to ascribe any kind of value to it whatsoever

just an observation and on that note I think we should have a break because when we come back we've got a great email from our friend Martin. Ta-ta. Go back to school with Rogers and get Canada's fastest and most reliable internet. Perfect for streaming lectures all day or binging TV shows all night. Save up to $20 per month on Rogers Internet.

Visit Rogers.com for details. We got you. Rogers. And we're back. And let's do some emails, guys. Let's start the year properly, to be quite frank. Yeah, and before we get to Martin's email, which I have trailed there, and I always do this, and then we get derailed and distracted. In my defense, it is quite difficult to stay on message when I'm doing this with you, Peter, so it's partly on you.

Fair, fair do. Before we get to Martin, Tom's been in touch and says, hi, guys, I hope you had a fantastic festive period. I was walking in the sunny area of Cheadle Hume. I think that's how you pronounce it? No. Cheadle Hume, is that what you say? Yeah, Cheadle Hume.

That's where my sister lives. Is it nice? She lives near Yew Tree Road. That's where my sister lives. Is it nice? She lives near U-Tree Road. That's a shame. Oh, right. Cheadle Hulme sounds like it would be really nice. Anyway, Tom says, I came across evidence of Pete's Christmas adventures.

And what he's done is he's included the photograph he's taken of what looks to me like seven empty bottles of Gaviscon. I mean... is that... What is the story there? It says like one, two, three. Are they all empty? Because they're not big bottles. To be fair, they're not big bottles.

So someone's had quite a hell of a night of it, I would say. Here's the question. Do you think that Gaviscon is a highly valued kind of thing to steal from a pharmacy or something? At one point, post-COVID, they were actually quite hard to come by, so they probably were quite valuable. So someone stole them, ran off with them and dumped them? Stashed them. Because when I worked at the supermarket, when I worked at the supermarket, it was nappies,

razors, batteries, razors, bottles of whiskey, really. Now it's formula. Oh yeah, formula's got security tags

on it, hasn't it? Formula's a big one. I can't, I mean, this is the woolly liberal in me. I cannot imagine what it would be like to not be able to afford

formula for your baby. That's just awful. So that's probably a product of society, perhaps. But yeah, anyway, look, Tom's included the photo. It's seven bottles of Gaviscon. They might be empty,

they might not, but they've been dumped in some kind of bush somewhere. That's littering. We don't support that, but we'd love to know the story behind it. Is it kind of like

a British version of the purple drank codeine cough syrup? Maybe, yeah. Back in the rap scene. What would you mix with Gaviscon? I mean, it goes down easy. That's what it's designed to do.

Very easy to drink. It's very quaffable, this Gaviscon. I'm not going to go on this show and support the use of recreational drugs, but what I would say... I'd rather see bottles of Gaviscon rather than those little hippie crack vials. At the age I am, what I would say is

I quite like the idea of going to a club, watching some music and just drinking cowpaw. It's tasty, isn't it? It is tasty, yeah. Just slowly falling asleep. What's Luke up to? Oh, he's in Houston on the scissor up. He's got into purple drink.

He's found it very hard to find those sort of very eatable, chewable polystyrene cups that for some reason they insisted on using. I love to, you know what, there's an ambition I've got and it involves me rocking up to a crime scene and I'll be honest with you, it's a serious crime scene. Uh-oh. In a long coat and a nicely fitted suit, someone holding the police tape aside for me

and I'm holding a polystyrene cup of tea or coffee and I just sit from it and have a look around and everyone's like, everyone defers to me as the expert, the great detective. And then they catch the lights shimmering off the world's milkiest tea and they go sorry this man just wandered onto the crime scene

he can't possibly be a detective. He's got no moral fiber whatsoever, drinking a tea that milky I'd just like to do that, it'd be quite a good thing wouldn't it? Yeah it would be He can't possibly be a detective. He's got no moral fibre whatsoever. He's got no background at all. Drinking a tea that milky. I just like to do that. It'd be quite a good thing, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would be. Yeah, I think, you know what?

Turning up, someone waiting for you. I think it's only ever happened where I've never turned up to something where I've had a skill that no one else has got. And I think it's only happened a few times and it's when I've done a skill where I've had a skill that no one else has got. And I think it's only happened a few times. And it's when I've done like filming for something and they're waiting for me. And I'm the only solo presenter there. And I'm, you know, interviewing some people or whatever. And everyone's waiting for me and I get on set. And everyone's waiting for me and they can't do it without me.

You know, they could easily book anyone else who was better. But at that point in time, you know, seven o'clock in the morning, they've got me and I'm afraid they're going to have to fucking, you know,

lump me. I know what you mean. And it does feel good to sort of go, I've got, I'm not good at this, but I've got, I'm doing a role

that no one else can do here, I would say. Like an emergency surgeon or something. But then you probably feel the exact same way if you're an electrician or a brickie

or literally have any job. Have any skill. It would feel good. Yeah. It would feel good. Yeah, but if you turn up as a sparky and someone's lights are off, like, you are giving them so much.

And it could just be a broken circuit breaker or something, you know, a tripped circuit breaker. Don't say that like you know what you're talking about. I'll have a go. Do you know what? I had a similar thing when I started off as an AP

on TalkSport right just around the time when the ramble first started I was just answering the phones in the studio and I used to watch that's what AP stands for

answer phone yeah it fucking felt like it I used to just watch the presenters like how do they do it what's it like how can you get

the confidence to be at that stage I used to kind of watch them quite closely I thought I'd love to be there one day and of course that did happen but I didn't feel of watch them quite closely. I thought, oh, I'd love to be there one day. And of course that didn't happen.

But I didn't feel like the big swinging dick then. I felt like, okay, am I going to say something stupid live on radio? Are they going to miss a cue and let me down? It was always very kind of robotic. Yes, yeah, that's fair. You actually realise once you're in that chair, and I was in a situation, I know I'm fond of saying it but I was doing

a national radio show I was hosting myself live right so it is a high pressure environment no matter what you think of the station or the show

or how good I was at it I was in that position Does it make you feel better when you hear people not really trying you're a bit like oh I could have just done that then

if I'd played you know 100 games for Aston Villa Yeah exactly right. I think he played quite a few more than that, but he is true. He scored a surprisingly few for the record Premier League scorer.

That's without question, of course. I just feel like what I'm trying to say is, I suppose, that when you get into that position, it probably doesn't feel like that anyway because you've got so much of a journey behind you and so much experience and all that kind of stuff. It's just, you know, you don't really think that much of it. And I do think that sometimes when people say,

oh, it was nothing, don't worry about it, anyone would have done the same kind of thing. Sometimes it's faux modesty, of course it is. But a lot of time it is a bit like, okay, well, this is just my day. So I'm getting through it. You know, it's kind of a difficult thing to handle. Stuart, that was going back to what I talked about on Thursday

about Stuart Lee, he talked about how COVID really affected how he related to the public. Beforehand, he would be like, oh, when people come up to me, I don't really want to talk to them. I don't really want to engage. I don't see it as part of the job, blah, blah, blah.

And then after COVID, he said, fucking hell, my audience just disappeared overnight. I was faced with the reality, blah, blah, blah. And then after COVID, he said, fucking hell, like, my audience just disappeared overnight. I was faced with the reality of never, basically, my trade is to stand up on stage and talk about stuff. I could possibly never do that again. And so he said, like, he completely flipped it around. He definitely takes the time to speak

to people and stuff now, so I totally understand that. Anyway, I did say that we're going to read an email from Martin, and we'll round off the show doing it. He says, hello says hello Luke and Pete listening to your between Christmas and New Year waffle rude about brown sauce did we talk about brown sauce you can have it on a potato waffle but not a no waffle

yeah Belgian one Belgian waffle are you an HP guy Peter or daddy's guy or what are you I don't mess with the old brown sauce I find it all just very pedestrian to be honest. It's not... Oh, you don't, you.

Thrill seeker, huh? No, I'm just... I'm just the old hot sauces, usually. Thank you very much. Because they have the same sweetness. They have the same sweetness that you get from brown sauce, but they've just got a bit more to them, I would say. I thought you'd say.

Yeah, fair enough. He said it brought back a horrible memory from a party about 10 years ago, says Martin. A buffet table was set out and everyone had eaten. And then people helped themselves to desserts. Me and the wife I have access to and another friend were stood having a chat and a drink near to where the food was. Another lady, who none of the three of us knew,

arrived at the buffet table, got herself a huge slice of cake and then picked up the brown sauce and covered the cake in the stuff. We were obviously speechless and can now tell the story whenever we see brown sauce everywhere covered the cake in the stuff. We were obviously speechless and can now tell the story whenever we see brown sauce everywhere. Anyone for cake? Martin.

That's got to be a mistake from the person, surely. Yeah. I would probably agree with you on that one to be honest. It can't be the behaviour

of a rational actor, can it? It's a little bit like that man who comes out the toilet in that German music festival and washes his hands in the urinal

and he suddenly goes this isn't the sink is it it's the urinal like Borat basically it's Borat vibes is that what Borat does yeah

Borat does does he try to take a poo in the urinal right okay sort of like that the thing is speaking of speaking of that

kind of thing and getting cancelled and the rest of it Borat is still so good now it's still so funny like now But the thing is, speaking of that kind of thing and getting cancelled and the rest of it, Borat is still so good now. It's still so funny. Like now. It's so good at... Because obviously I didn't get it back in the day.

I just thought I was a fucking idiot and it's funny because he's stupid. He does ridiculously stupid things that you would never do in public. But actually what he's doing, of course, is he's subverting people's inbuilt prejudices, right? They don't even know. And they won't question the behavior

because they're like, oh, he's from Kazakhstan. I have no idea what they do over there. I've got no interest in learning about another culture, so I'll just be awkward about it. And obviously, because people are British for the most part, they'll just not say anything. And it's such a universal truth. His best ones were in the US, though, weren't they?

That's the weird thing. Well, the US ones are even more interesting because... Because they're more likely to sort of express themselves. Correct. Express their... And I would say the prejudice is more exaggerated, I would say. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, definitely.

Anyway, my uncle, my late uncle, bless him, he always had an aversion to any kind of... It's quite a weird one. to any kind of, it's quite a weird one, any kind of white-coloured condiments, like mayonnaise, salad cream, et al. I could see that, yeah. When he was at school.

They look a bit too kind of like it's come out of something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Proper mayonnaise doesn't look like that, does it? What does it look like? Is it a bit yellowy or something? It's just yellow. It'll be egg yolks and oil and seasoning and stuff

and a bit of mustard. So it's not really supposed to look like that. His reason was that when he was at school once, he accidentally put a load of salad cream on a dessert.

Much like this guy, this lady Martin's talking about and had a couple of spoonfuls and was like, what the fuck is that? And it obviously set him for life. In a way, people do,

like Sarah Warren ate a cream egg because her brother said it was bird poo in the middle. And like, she's just never been able to touch it. But I don't think I've got really anything that, I went off,

I ate too many banana chips, like dried banana slices when I was a kid and then just sort of didn't eat them again. Where are you getting them in Hartlepool in the 80s? The shop where you just have big bins and you scoop up you scoop up and put in a clear

plastic bag what you have one of them in hartlepool in the 80s like a whole foods yeah well back in the day but it was like it just saved on it was like um it was all off-brand stuff but it was like it went bust like in the late 80s but like you would just scoop up your own stuff but it was like, it went bust like in the late 80s. But like you would just scoop up your own stuff. But it was, you're right. It was very like, you just get like sugar puffs and stuff. Yeah, nowadays it's like, you know, low packaging, kind of like, you know, low carbon footprint stuff. But back then it was just literally, the stuff is cheaper. People just assumed you were paying for the box

and the design and the marketing and stuff. And it was just, you know, cheap Froot Loops and stuff. So you put yourself off? Put yourself off. I put myself off by eating too many banana chips. That's what I did with smoking. I was very lucky that when I was about 16,

I just, you know, just got, started smoking a bit because my friends were doing it. And I just massively overdid it. I've never, ever wanted a cigarette really since. Yeah.

I've never, yeah. It's never lured me in. since yeah I've never yeah it's never it's never lured me in I always liked the smell of it but it's never lured me in do you really even now yeah

it takes you back doesn't it especially these days proper nostalgic isn't it I always get paranoid about my going near my baby get away from my baby

anyway I was just going to say on your on your banana chips thing I remember being on a flight once when I was about 11 and the in flight meal came around

and I stuck I got stuck into what I thought was a grape but it was an olive and I've never been able to eat olives since. Yeah, you're an olive dodger, aren't you? Yeah.

But then you don't like many sort of vinegary, you don't like gherkins. No, I like pickled onions though. That's weird. That is strange. That's really strange. Yeah.

Fascinating. I'm not sure what. We will study you. Maybe you should just have a family, like you go to America get one of those ones you get in the 7-11

like different hot flavours and stuff maybe you just not found the gherkin for you just leave me alone people who fetishise food like that it just winds me up

get yourself fetishise food I'm just asking you to eat a gherkin no I'm not talking about you I'm talking about people who virtue signal about the fact

I'll eat anything give me a fucking give me a fucking bull's heart and you know drip some fucking balsamic over it and tell me Tom Kerridge cooked it and I'll tell you I'll be at least. Get fucked. Get some salad cream on it.

Fucking get a personality of your own. Get some salad cream on it. Same as the people who talk about IPA all day. Just get a personality of your own. Just think your own thoughts. Before we wrap up, speaking of my late uncle, he also said one of the unintentionally

funniest things ever. I might have told you about it before, but I don't think I have. Right. He's my mum's brother and we were at a family thing once, might have been Christmas or whatever,

and the rat came on TV. Right. And my mum, who is his oldest sister, said, I'll turn it off, turn it off, Les doesn't like rats, right?

He's frightened of rats, so I'm winding him up or whatever. But they're both off. Les doesn't like rats, right? He's frightened of rats, like winding him up or whatever. But they're both in their 50s at this point, right? It's not like, I was, I was, you know,

I was about 25 or something. And he was like, no, I'm not frightened of rats. I'm not frightened of rats. And mum was like, yes you are, yes you are.

That's exactly what a rat dodger would say. He's frightened of rats. Anyway, he got pushed to the brink of being like annoyed about it, just because he kept getting wound up about it. So he just, this outburst came from nowhere. He just went, I'm notting the rats. Anyway, he got pushed to the brink of being annoyed about it just because he kept getting wound up about it. So this outburst came from nowhere. He just went, I'm not fronting the rats. I'm fronting a group of rats with one king rat at the front.

That's the most specific phobia I've ever heard of. And it turns out it's because he'd read some novel, like some James Herbert novel or something when he was a teenager and it really affected him. And then, you know, obviously every kind of working class family piss take is shielding and masking quite a lot of deeply held psychosis, isn't it? It's, oh, you greedy cunt, isn't it? Is that all over again?

Is that all over again? Anyway, take us out of here, Peter. All right, then. We'll be back on Thursday. So look after yourselves and we'll be doing that we'll go away we'll grow we'll learn

we'll touch our own hearts and your hearts next time we meet delicately done well done delicately done definitely done

thank you see ya bye The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the ACAST Creator Network.