The Luke and Pete Show - Bamboo boy

Episode Date: February 29, 2024

Have you been wondering how Bryan Johnson's attempt to live forever is going? Well, today Luke and Pete give you an update which unfortunately means more chat about his erections...On a completely unrelated note, Luke is encouraging Peete to get plastic surgery. Plus. Pete updates us on his car and the lads take a moment to re-live some of their teenage trauma.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.We're also now on Tiktok! Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow. Subscribe to our YouTube HERE.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

wasn't there a picture of i think timothy chalamet and a picture of the man who played thor's brother in the marvel films huddleston hiddleston don't forget your shentrum don't forget your shentrum i forgot what sh your Shentrum. I forgot about Shentrum advert. And they were all together, and somebody said, there are no lips between these lot. Like, English people aren't known for their lovely lips, are they? I don't know what you mean. Actually, my lips aren't too bad, look.

What do you mean? Well, you're not really sort of doing a kissy face, are you? Like this. I don't know. What I'm saying is I've got what's called a cupid's bow, haven't I? Oh, right. Do they look very kissable? Well, listen, it's not for me to say, Peter. Is Luke kissable?

Experience would say to me probably not. Rory, can you put a Twitter poll out, please? Is Luke kissable? Are Luke's lips kissable? Because mine are... I don't really have lips. I think it would improve things if I got absolute honking silicon lips. I totally agree with that.

I cannot agree with that more. Yeah, just sort of like, please cajole Peter into getting some fake cheekbones and some lip fillers. Brilliant. I think shin extensions are the big one for you. Shin extensions, yeah. But what if they extend in the wrong way

and I'm just more forward than I used to be? You've put an L shape in this one. Or you end up standing like Donald Trump does, like slightly leg forward. Yes, slightly bandy legs. Sticking your bum out. Does he stand like that because he thinks it makes him look skinnier?

I think the amount of pseudofed he hooves up, he's probably just shitting his pants 24-7. He wears adult nappies, I imagine. This is the Luke and Pete show. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Mr. Lukey Moore. And we're just discussing politics, lips. Does Sudafed make you shit yourself?

It certainly zhuzhes up the... It's an upper, isn't it? Pseudo-ephedrine. Ephedrine is, isn't it? So I think it would help you, S-U-P's, so to speak. Stolen from another podcast. Apparently the listed side effects according to the nhs website difficulty sleeping feeling restless dry mouth headaches or feeling or being sick right no no diarrhea i mean it basically just

described my life there luke and i'll never tell you Luke. Yeah. I've eaten an entire punnet. Do you call it a punnet of grapes? Yes, a punnet, yeah. I'm well into the grape scene at the moment, and I cannot be arsed with purple ones, but I'm very much into the green ones. And really sort of really expensive muscat ones as well. Beautiful. Yeah, you talked about this last time we chatted, Peter.

Yeah, well, I've continued my obsession with grapes. Because we talked about candy floss grapes, and then we talked about how quickly you can get actual candy floss from your front door. That's a good point. Sorry about that. It was an impressively short amount of time, and we all enjoyed it. And then everybody clapped. And everybody clapped. Anyway, what have you been up to?

What's been going on? How's the apology cabin? I noticed that you've had your beard shaved off, which to me is a negative thing. I like the beard. I like the moustache. I liked all the hirsuteness of your face. In the same way that we like it when Man United do terrible things and upset Man United fans,

it's good for the ramble. It isn't necessarily good for your football team. I get the sense sometimes that Lukey, like encouraging me into getting lip fillers, may be pushing me into a fall. Whatever gave you that idea? I was just a big supporter of you. That's all it is.

When you have the moustache and the outfits, you look like a guy who is the kind of sidekick to a big henchman in a Wild West movie. Right, okay. You'll do his bidding.

I'll do his bidding. Surely I would have to be more physically imposing than what I am now. No, because you're just a sidekick, just a little ratty sidekick. Just a little rat boy, yeah. A little weasel boy. I was in my neighbour's van today. Okay, stop there. We're going to leave that and let that percolate for the listeners.

Well, yesterday, yeah. It was yesterday. I lied. It wasn't today. It was yesterday. All right? Okay. And then off you go again.

I was in my neighbor's van and I felt, when I'm in a transit van. Front seat. Front seat. When I'm in a transit van, I always feel like, I think Johnny Vaughn came up with this kind of like gag where he's just talking about how whenever you see builders, there's always two big builders and a rat boy in the middle. And I was like,

there are two people in this cab, but I'm still the rat boy. Do you know what I mean? It's bad, isn't it? What's his kind of... His kind of vibe. Yeah, what's his kind of physical makeup? He's big, he's tall.

He's got a gigantic son who I built a PC for. Is that one of his USPs? You guys met my gigantic son? Like, lads, these days, these days, right? They're about three foot until they hit about 14, and then like, bang, they're absolute giants. I'm worried.

That's what I was like. Was that what you were like? You were a tiny little boy, and then you shot up. No, when I hit about, I remember the last year of junior school, so when I was year six, about 10 or 11. Yeah. Whammo, baby. Whammo.

Your groin pains must have been excruciating. I can't really remember. Because I remember my groin pains and I didn't do any groin. I don't think people really cared though, did they? No, just general. First of all, I didn't know what groin pains were. Second of all, if I went to my parents laughing, I've got some groin pains, they'd just say, what? Guess how. A, we don't know what growing pains were. Second of all, if I went to my parents laughing, I've got some growing pains. They'd say, what?

A, we don't have any interest in that. B, we don't know what that is. And C, there's no way, even though presumably at this stage in the 20th century, the NHS is probably quite well funded, we're not going to take you to the doctor for it. So it would have been pointless. But what I do remember is I shot up like an absolute, I don't know, stick of rhubarb.

That grows fast. Bamboo. I was like a bamboo boy. Yeah. And it obviously happened in the summer. And going back to school in September for year six, biggest boy in the primary school, obviously, or in the biggest year in the primary school, right?

And Mr. Eldred, the guy who coached the football team... Just went, keeper. No, he said, you're going up front, big boy. Oh, that's a lot of pressure. And I was well excited. And then to get to the football pitch from the school, it was in like a separate little park across the road. And the part of the park had like a concreted playground.

Yeah. And I tried to cut the corner to go across the playground with my football boots already on. Right. My stud slipped on the concrete, fell, badly hurt my knee,

grazed all the way up the side of my leg, couldn't play. Couldn't play that day, right. So I ended up playing and did okay. And it was fine. And we scored a few goals and we played okay. We did well. And my best friend's team,

my best friend's school because he lived in the movie went to a different school we whopped them 10-1 and I bagged a few goals that's still probably the highlight of my football career to this day

so it turned out alright in the end but I think around 10 or 11 I started to really shoot up and at that point I think I was the tallest boy in the school

you seem to sort of and it shows the way that you talk to me because of my terrible personality um i would say that um with you going to with a keeper with a keeper with a teacher coming over to you and going right you're going up front like what i realize as a slightly more imposing figure up top it's going to help but it's not like kids score a lot of headers like headers are hard aren't they they're

quite difficult aren't they i think they're a lot easier when you're a foot tall i know i know but you gotta get but you've got that he is assuming that you have the reaction time and the reflexes i think it was just i was stronger yeah and so right and so and and just bigger bigger I just got my I just got my strength before everyone else and then so I also remember that's like an origin story yeah

with that season I remember I remember that season I took penalties as well right I used to just score them I guess because at that point I could kick the ball harder

than the other kids right so that's all it was and actually when I went up into senior school I think it took me a year and a half it took me to the second year of senior school

to actually get in that football team because I think I wasn't such a big big fish at that point yeah and then six from college I didn't get in any team

and then at uni I did get back in the team so anyway look no one wants a part in the history of my football career but I am here for it if you want me to

I will do it let's start another part Luke's football career I sometimes am here for it if you want me to I will do it let's start another pod Luke's football career I sometimes wonder if when I was that age because you always try

this is naughty of you but I totally understand I don't mind it that's a shame you try and make out with little kind of dog whistle bits that I was like a bully

at school and I actually wasn't you're a bully now I wasn't you've grown into it that is absolutely fair but I wasn't I wasn't a bully at school I'm assuming that is absolutely fair. But I wasn't really at school.

I'm assuming that you've continued on that vein since you were a child. I was actually quite a sensitive boy at school. And I didn't really... That's also continued. I was neither bully or bully. Right. Bully or bully. Where did you exist then?

Where did you... Where would you exist in that particular frame? What do you you do apart from what is school if not getting bullied or bullying like what else is there to do maybe i've just got a different idea of what bullying is and a couple of kids did um did leave the school and never come back after interactions with me but i don't think i think i think a lot of educators bully me with their facts and knowledge i didn't want to didn't want to absorb any of it to be honest But I sometimes do wonder what would have happened had I been introduced to a pleurisy-stricken, asthmatic Pete Donaldson at the age of 10.

I think I would have thought you were cool. I also remember, the football thing aside, being quite self-conscious about how tall I was for a bit. I had a little friend called Nicky Gerald who was a brilliant football player, much better than me. He went on to have a bit of a had a little friend called Nicky Gerald who was a brilliant football player, much better than me. He went on to have a bit of a kind of non-league career in it

and he was like short and small and all the girls thought he was cute and I remember like, I always really wanted to be like him to be honest.

Yeah. And which sounds mental now because obviously culturally it's a thing to be, if you're a man it's a thing to be tall isn't it?

Well, like young lasses like cute, like cutie pie boy you know as soon as people hit you like tallest man in the world please i'll have him like that's how that works so uh yeah i always i always remember also being very paranoid about not going through puberty as quickly as everyone else yeah okay because there were some kids in my school that hit 13 and were like bang deep voice and everything mine took a bit longer it's a particularly

awkward time sometimes you see it now. There's a school near the office, isn't there? And I'm walking to get a sandwich from Pret for lunch. You sometimes see a bunch of boys who are like 14. And it's like 50% of them are like basically going through puberty and 50% aren't. And they just seem so much younger. It's crazy.

It's got really awkward. It's like a music school or something. It's got that kind of, I don't really know what's going on there it's interesting because every single kid i've seen from there at all times has to carry a trombone yeah it's a big trombone school yeah that's what gives it away i think maybe um did you um did you get involved in any football action at school no i remember um you weren't really into football until a bit later on, were you? No, I remember sort of being in a... It was like a school...

Would it have been sort of... The first couple of years of big school, I think I played a couple of times for the team, but they didn't really know

who was any good and I remember getting the ball, advancing on goal and thinking, whoa, this is me now. Saw my name in lights and I remember

a lad called Paul just absolutely saw me down like absolutely chopped me legally and the ball went out of play

and I was like yes that's me done I'm never going to achieve anything at this terrible so you took it well then got too excited

gave up and that's why I'm not competitive it was that exact no it was Paul Leonard Paul Leonard Paul Leonard sighed me down took the ball off me

and I thought I'm never going to try this seriously ever again but I'll keep going until I'm 42 I'll keep playing still playing now

the worst thing about the whole junior school football team for me was that I was dropped for the cup final oh that's a shame why would they do

like I know like you have to you have to lead aside and you have to be a manager and stuff but that is shit behavior isn't it i didn't and at that point i think we had whatever the rules were for the school league we have one sub and i wasn't the sub either pistic absolute i i think that's abuse personally i think they said they said they could you can come along though so i went along with my friends And they got whopped about 5-1 Good, every goal was like a back rub for you

It's the only chance I had to play at Gosford Borough Stadium Privet Park, which I go and visit to fairly frequently now And I've never played there So it's a shame But look, listen, these are the things that shape you I feel bad for you there An incredibly successful man I am now without that? Maybe not.

I just think that it's school football. And this isn't like, yeah, I think it's rubbish. I don't think, what are you learning there? Every good lesson that you had achieving anything in the football side has been absolutely undercut by that one decision. Awful. Yeah, maybe. Awful.

I was always a bit shit at football in the grand scheme of things anyway, so that doesn't really matter. I don't really feel like I didn't get stuff that, I probably got everything I deserved to get. Give them rolling subs, at least, at the very least. And also, we were 10, 11 years old and playing on the full-size pitch, which is crazy. It's absolutely crazy.

Changing trains, though, but in a slightly similar vein. Remember Brian Johnson, the guy who is about, I don't know how old he is, but he's trying to make himself live forever. Oh yeah, the greasy android, yeah. Yeah, greasy android is exactly what our listeners will know him as when they've seen a picture of him.

He's on X, formerly known as Twitter. He's obviously this wealthy guy who founded all these different tech companies. He had a battle with the boner quite recently he was trying to get night time boners this is the update I want to give you guys so he for some reason thinks

that the content people want to see from him is him doing quite forensically detailed tweets and graphs about his night time erections. Yeah. And so

he said, and the most recent post on this particular issue is that he's posted all the graphs to accompany it because obviously he puts little biomarkers on his penis monitoring his cardiovascular, physiological and sexual health. He't we all?

He's announced as of this month that his night-time erections are now better than the average 18-year-olds. Right. Last night, the night before he posted this tweet, he had 179 minutes total erection time overnight. It's probably because he's thinking about 18-year-olds quite a lot. Yeah, why is he bringing that in?

Three hours of solid erections and thinking about 18-year-old boys. It's up to you, mate. It's up to you. You didn't have to spend all that money on it. Yeah, I want to know how much money it is so I know how much he's paid per minute of erection. It's a good point, actually.

Yeah, you could probably do like a cost analysis. Cost effectiveness. Cost effectiveness of the Borna treatment. He was hitting it with like vibrations and electricity, wasn't he? He was like yow-yow-ing his cock. That's the thing. I think if you are shoving 240 volts for a year old chap and calling that an erection, I don't think that should count.

No, exactly. Yeah, because you could reanimate a corpse briefly. Exactly. He's got Frankenstein penis. Yeah. It's an absolutely incredible state of the world, isn't it? I mean, everywhere you look at the moment, the world seems quite, quite mad.

I mean, there's a January 6th celebratory pinball machine at CPAC this week. Yeah, I had an issue with that. Yeah, so CPAC is the Conservative Political Action Conference in the US. It's basically now a hive of seditionist fascism. And, you know, good news is that Liz Truss was there, but that's slightly separate.

In one of the lobbies, one of the breakout areas, because, you know, look, authoritarian fascists, they like to chill out as well. They do. They probably cigar men, mainly men. Yeah, probably would be. They like to chill out. I also enjoyed the absolutely Botox and plastic surgery field,

women and men at that place raging still against the vaccine because they want to put that sort of stuff in their body. That ship may have sailed. Looking at you all. But there was a breakout area and in that breakout area someone had presumably manufactured

and distributed, or was it like a one-off, I'm not sure, pinball machine along the theme of January 6th and the attempted insurrection therein. You had a big problem with it, Pete, but before you tell me the problem with it, I also want people to know that the name of the pinball machine was J6 Insurrection.

So a little bit of a kind of self-deprecating humour one would think if they were being generous. But I also like the subtitle tagline to the game, Pete. An educational documentary game. When a ball rolled into the steps of the cavitol. When a big silver ball rolled in. Turn it into a pinball machine, we might get something good out of it. What was your beef with it?

What was your beef with the pinball machine itself? Well, it wasn't strictly a pinball machine we might get something good out of it what was your beef with it what was your beef with the pinball machine itself well it wasn't strictly a pinball machine I'm sure pinball fans would say that two screens and a couple of buttons makes a

pinball machine but it wasn't there wasn't any nuts and bolts and metal and LED lights it was just two screens

which I think is anyone could do that I reckon I could put a Luke and Pete shop in I'm going to put together a Luke if I had more time I've said something usually I'd say something not do it I reckon I could put a Luke and Pete show I'm going to put together a Luke if I had more time I've said something

usually I'd say something not do it I'm not doing it I'm going to say something roll back from it and say I'm not doing it right but I reckon

there'll be a program that you can just slide a bitmap image into and sort of go there's your fucking pinball machine and you can play pinball on anyone's face

there I've said it I'd love there to be a Luke and Pete show of pinball but what I would say and I think you're onto something here because for me

the beauty of a pinball machine is almost that the carefully balanced mechanics of it yeah it's like a very

kind of analogue type thing and I remember like if you back in the day if you nudged a pinball machine the alarm would go off

and you'd feel like a right Dilbert I remember getting a tilt tilt tilt tilt alarm alarm alarm on a on a ferry

so which seems slightly cruel because it's wobbling around it was from I can't I think we were going to

Ostend or somewhere we were going somewhere and yeah like I was playing the pinball and it suddenly just went tilt I was going why have they put this on a fucking ferry

ridiculous I know I can remember I think it suddenly just went tilt. I was going, why have they put this on a fucking ferry? Ridiculous. I know. I can remember, I think it's one of those things as well, because obviously I grew up next to the South Coast and these kind of amusement arcades and stuff were very much a part of my childhood. And there were pinball machines in those, of course. And I sometimes feel like spending as much time as I could

on a pinball machine, because you used to famously get three lives, three pinballs, basically. And I mean, when you're on the third one and the idea of the ball going down the hatch and you losing the game is probably the source of quite a lot of my adult anxiety. Right, okay, yeah, yeah. Like losing something, yeah.

It's quite full on, wasn't it? It's quite frightening to lose the ball down the side and not be able to do anything about it or you'd flick the ball up to the top and it'd come back really fast. I'll never be able to get it back. And there'd normally be people watching you.

My favourite arcade game, I told you this before, was a game called White Tiger. Yes, you do like that bit of White Tiger. I used to play it all the time. I was obsessed with it. Absolutely obsessed with it. And I never got anywhere near the finish.

And then about a few years ago, I got a job somewhere where they, quite frankly, weren't expecting me to do much work. And no one could see my screen. And they had admin rights on the computer, so I downloaded an emulator. Yeah. And I played it every day for weeks.

And I ended up finishing it. Did you finish it? Yeah, I finished it, man. You achieved it, I guess. Obviously, the one thing that would have given the game away, Peter, was taking my own joystick in. So I had to do it. Waggling away, yeah. I had to do it on the keyboard. But I did manage to get to grips with it, and I managed to do in. Waggling away. That's on the keyboard. But I did manage to get to grips with it. I managed to do it. So I was pretty pleased with that.

Sometimes people think, oh, you know, Donaldson brings the video gaming content here, but I am capable of it. I'm conversant. Anyway, shall we have a quick break? There's no batteries this week. We're recording this slightly early because my dear old mum

fell over and broke her shoulder. Yes. Awful. She's fine. She's at home recovering. I'm going to go down and look after her for a bit

so we're going to have to record this episode a little bit early. So we haven't had time for battery brands. I hope the listening community will forgive us but do keep sending them in

because we're happy to hear from you and we're happy to do them from next week of course. But maybe the other side of the break we'll do a bit more chat and we're happy to do them from next week of course but maybe the other side of the break we'll do a bit more chat and maybe an email or two

who knows hang fire we're back with the Luke and Pete show and as discussed no battery brands this week but keep them coming in if you found a battery

in something you own hello at lukepeetshow.com speaking of batteries I've bought like three car batteries in the last week I'm having a great time I'm just really into them.

I just need to put my money where my mouth is, and I just want to buy as many batteries. I want to have a collection of car batteries that I can keep in my apology cabin and just die happy, to be honest. How is the car doing? It's the car. Fine. I drove it for the first time in anger yesterday, which was enjoyable.

Squishy. Very heavy and squishy. Yeah, damn right. I think for the first time driving it down the road, I was like, you know what? This is worth it. It may smell of fags. It may have very squishy suspension. It may feel like one of those cars that could bounce down the road.

Yeah, it's good. I'm glad. but now it's with the mrt person and you can figure out why it just keeps turning off randomly uh good how long have you waited in total to drive it from from purchase to to drive i bought it in like october i think a long time ago it's like four months ish maybe yeah that's the thing well that's that's what you can't wait to drive it into the office you're going to look absolutely amazing

and by amazing I do mean ridiculous dangerous are you going to fit it in a car park space or not it's only 10 centimetres longer

than the Jaguar but it's I mean as soon as I dropped that one off at the MOT centre my car started the car alarm

started going off I'm like I don't have time for you'm like I don't have time for you right now I don't have time to play with you right now that's why I know

are you keeping it no I'm selling it getting rid getting rid fair enough I actually I was thinking about the other day

I think I might try and get rid of my car I can't be arsed with it you can't be arsed with it you went to the Audi place and they fixed it up and filmed themselves doing it.

Yeah, I know. And that's when I started to think, do you know what? I don't know if I need all this stuff. Right. It's a waste of money. I might just get a little run around. Get a little Kia Sportage.

I was big into the Kia Sportage. There's no way I'm driving a Kia Sportage. With a man as tall as you, you need to look after your back. So you need a taller car to pop people in. A little people carrier or something i wouldn't mind i wouldn't mind like you know what i'd really love but i'll never get

one one because i probably can't afford it and two because the wi-fi i've access to would never allow it it's one of those old-fashioned but brought up to the modern day 70s style mercedes like jeeps right okay that look like something that um Not He-Man, he was very much medieval era and previous. What era was He-Man? Was it in the future or was it in the past? I think it's a fictional kind of world, isn't it? Yeah, but I'm just thinking swords, horses, battle cats. Medieval, I guess.

Yeah, or maybe futuristic. You never know where that's kind of the Star Wars era. It's a bit of a timeline, isn't it? What were you going to say? Or maybe futuristic. You never know where that's kind of the Star Wars era. It's a bit of a timeline, isn't it? But what were you going to say? You were going to say... It's the sort of thing that you would, like a Tonka car when you're a kid. Kind of 80s, big, kind of crazy thing.

So there's a really well-respected, I might have mentioned to you before, there's a really well-loved Caribbean takeaway on the road near my house called Tickle Me. The one where the guy doesn't let anyone in the fucking shop. Tickle Me? Yeah, it house called Tickle Me. The one where the guy doesn't let anyone in the fucking shop. Tickle Me? Yeah, it's called Tickle Me. It's an institution,

like a West Northern institution. Right. He doesn't like, the guy who runs it is really grumpy. He doesn't let anyone in the shop. Right. How does he sell things then?

Pardon? How does he sell things then? Well, you have to shout through the door. Right. You shout your order through the door. Right.

How can I have like, have you got jerk chicken? And he'd just go, no. It's like, that's the basics. That's like not having poppadoms. Come on. Can I have rice and peas? Yeah. Can I have the goat curry?

Your heart's not in this. Your heart's not in this. No. For example, though, can I have jerk chicken? Yeah. Can I have it without planting no and it's just like

that endlessly just have the planting and throw it away I'll give it to someone who's not finicky about planting

but what he doesn't realise is by refusing to let people in his house his shop because he hates the public

he's making it busier because there's so many people staring outside all the time they think, fucking hell,

this place must be amazing. Treat your man king. Anyway, it's full of like young, upwardly mobile kind of guys who've got really nice fucking cars, custom cars, all that kind of stuff.

And you see so many of those Mercedes like 4x4s that it's like a massive advert. I don't even know if I'd know they existed if it wasn't for that place and now I really really want one I looked them up and they're about 120k so there's no way I'm getting one and that's even before you kind of customise

them or whatever so I really love one of those but I just don't really think it's necessary and I don't think I'm going to get one I don't think I really want to get another expensive car because I haven't got a driveway so it's a bit like might get nicked and all that kind of stuff

that's been my kind of issue just trying to find a little place for this bloody car to go to because it doesn't have any reg plates and that

that does attract attention from police it really does yeah it's part of the thing you need isn't it you definitely need it yeah

why don't I just make up a number and put them on a plate well back in the day you probably could but now I've got ANTR haven't I so they just scan everything

but why don't I just find another car that's the same car that's taxed and stuff I mean that is just fraud isn't it why don't I steal a car why don't I steal a car

hey I tell you what the pisser the pisser that hit me was I noticed on Autotrader there was a exact same Toyota Century

that I'd imported something in in my price bracket I literally read something on there some shit not as good a story though is it

yeah I mean we've got I mean it should be a tax write off the amount of times I've mentioned it on every single show I've done so yeah I don't think you can do that

I don't think you can do that no Mark Mark Robinson of no Mark Robinson of Robinson Mark Robinson of Robinson accountants has made that very clear

yeah as he should maybe if it was electric I was going Mark I've bought so many batteries recently it certainly is an electric car well can you do

electric car write offs can you I think you used to be able to I think the the the leaders of the country have decided that that's not they're not interested in that anymore I don't think they think the leaders of the country have decided that that's not interesting anymore.

I don't think they are the leaders of the country. I think that's a bit of a myth. They're in the hot seat anyway. They are. Speaking of all that kind of financial stuff, I actually came very close to having my bank basically came very close to

being the victim of fraud this morning oh dear did you um hello did you get hello dear uh email or i didn't it was i actually think i mean you may not think so but i actually thought it's pretty sophisticated this one they are getting better they are and i tell you what happened i ordered something i ordered a um little rash fest thing for my son for our holiday right quickicksilver, right? I do these little cute little baby things. And it never turned up. It just didn't arrive. And so I

filled in the form online from Quicksilver and they said, oh yeah, it's in the hands of Royal Mail. That's the courier we use. So they'll be in touch. We've forwarded the inquiry to them and they'll work it out because we always send our things out by 48-hour recording and if it hasn't turned up after a couple of weeks,

then there's something gone wrong. So fine, no worries. So I basically went away from that kind of inquiry expecting to be contacted by Royal Mail. Yes, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was contacted by Royal Mail the day after and it wasn't Royal Mail. That's a shame.

And the text I got from quote unquote Royal Mail came to my phone and was delivered in the same chat thing as the legitimate Royal Mail text. That's how sophisticated it was. Is that a phone issue? Who knows? What they said was... This is where I probably will incur the wrath of the sensible, text-savvy people such as yourself what they said was there's been an error with the processing of it and um

quicksilver are in arrears with their account and so you have to pay to get it released how did they know it was quick how did they exactly this is the thing though mate that's how sophisticated it was right anyway let me get to the end of the story. So I put my card details in to pay the £1.20 they asked for. So I thought, that's £1.20, it doesn't fucking

matter. Stuck it in there and then like almost instantly got a load of notifications from my bank saying, congratulations, this has been set up

on Apple Pay. This has been set up on Apple Pay. Four, five, six of them, right? I was like, what the fuck is happening, right? So I called up Santander, the bank I use,

who work, to be fair, very good. And they said, yeah, what they do is they, it's not only that they imitate legitimate businesses, but they, some of them, they're fucking hackers. They get into all kinds of correspondence, all kinds of communication. They will know you're in correspondence with certain companies and they'll of them they're fucking hackers they get into all kinds of correspondence all kinds of communication they will know you're in correspondence

with certain companies and they'll mimic them all that kind of stuff and so he basically listed all these I guess like digital wallets

that have been set up on my Apple Pay and I had to sit there and he went for about eight of them and they'd all been set up at 9.40 this morning exactly the same minute as soon as you sort of typed in your your details it was about i think

it was two or three minutes after i did it and in it interesting that they say that's not even someone going right he's done it it's literally automated kind of thing has to be and so that's amazing luke yeah well luckily i um i got in there quickly enough so i had to delay recording the ramble this morning because I had to get in there and speak to them. And Santerdeo actually act pretty good at it. It's the second time that they've been able to sort this out for me and it happened straight away.

And nothing, no money came out of my account or whatever. But I know it sounds like an old person's thing to say, but you just got to be so on it all the time. And if you're in a hurry or you're in the middle of doing something, and I wanted this thing for my son. They do it really early in the morning as well when you're half asleep you know whoa yeah so what was the first time to you it's never happened to you know what no i have typed in my details and then immediately before i even before i as soon

as i clicked send i was like all right cancel my card you fucking idiot again it's just really sleepy in it idiots like i, it's amazing stuff. I've got to deal with cash or Apple Pay only until the new card comes through, which is a bit of a shame. Look after yourselves. I think it's a public service announcement that could be useful to a lot of people listening, actually. And look, if Luke gets put away as part of the Royal Mail inquiry, it sounds like he'll be out by Christmas.

I feel like I'm implicated now. Yeah, Fujitsu. I think if people listening to this wanted to definitely, there's a couple of resources here I can help them with if they want to avoid this kind of thing happening to them. All they need to do is go to hello at lukeandpeacher.com and put the long card number, the expiry date, and the security code in there.

Just bang them in there. Yeah, and we'll take care of it for you. What was your mam called before she was called what she is now? That would be quite helpful as well. Listen, producer Roy's got to be paid somehow. Exactly. Do the decent thing. I am sick of stealing razors from Superdrug.

Anyway, let's get out of here. We've been The Looker PTO. You've been fabulous. We'll be back on Monday, so look after yourselves. Have a great weekend. Don't commit vehicular fraud. Don't get a punching licence. Don't allow yourself to be taken in by confidence tricksters.

And we'll see you soon. the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the acast creator network