The Magnus Archives - The Magnus Protocol Fluff 1 - Plenty More Fish

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

Incident Elements:·       Alexander J Newall.·       Harsh Language·       Sexual Innuendo You can find a complete list of our Kickstarter backers https://rustyquill.com/the-magnus-protocol-supporter-wall/ Created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander J Newall  Directed by Alexander J NewallWritten by Jonathan SimsScript Edited with additional material by Alexander J NewallExecutive Producers April Sumner, Alexander J Newall, Jonathan Sims, Dani McDonough, Linn Ci, and Samantha F.G. Hamilton Associate Producers Jordan L. Hawk, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, Cetius d’Raven, and Megan Nice Produced by April Sumner  Featuring (in order of appearance) Billie Hindle as Alice DyerShahan Hamza as Samama KhalidRyan Hopevere-Anderson as Colin BecherDialogue Editor – Nico VetteseSound Designer – Tessa VroomMastering Editor - Catherine RinellaFreesound: JohnsonBrandEditing, scotthopkins // Music Credit: CC-by-4.0 - 'Childhood' by Scott Buckley - www.scottbuckley.com.au Art by April Sumner   Check out our merchandise available at https://www.redbubble.com/people/RustyQuill/shop and https://www.teepublic.com/stores/rusty-quill Support Rusty Quill by purchasing from our Affiliates;Phantom Peak – UK immersive experience – 15% discount with this linkDriveThruRPG – DriveThruRPG.com Join our community:WEBSITE: rustyquill.comFACEBOOK: facebook.com/therustyquillX: @therustyquillEMAIL: [e-mail] The Magnus Protocol is a derivative product of the Magnus Archives, created by Rusty Quill Ltd. and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Share alike 4.0 International Licence.   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi everyone, Alex here to pep you up with big cable knit jumper energy. Now some of you might not know this but after a long hard day of brutally murdering your favourite characters, there's nothing I like more than sitting down in a big comfy armchair and enjoying a nice hot cup of fluffy wuffy uwu nonsense juice. Now I know what you're thinking. Alex, the world is dying held hostage by corporate greed and myopic self-interested political leaders. I don't have time to check in on my favourite blabos gronkly twink ship drama. I've got to go eat the rich. And I hear you, I really do. Eating the rich is important, but so is self-care, and sometimes you've got to slow down to smell the flowers.

So with that in mind, we wanted to give you a little something to help you out, a sous-sans of silliness to send you on your way. And so we present to you this lovingly crafted Season 1 bonus fluff episode, affectionately titled, Plenty More Fish, which is full to the brim with positivity like friendship, love and punctuality, and is guaranteed completely organic and free from artificial horrors. So while you're waiting for your Amazon Basics guillotine to arrive, why not sit back, relax and enjoy a taste of our delicious nonsense. Mmm, yum. There you are. What happened to the usual table? Already taken. What?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There you are. What happened to the usual table? Already taken. What? How are we supposed to mope about in the corner when we're in the middle of the room? The vibes here are un-conducive to bitterness. Yeah well, tough. So sit your vibes down and get drinking already. Got you a pint of your hipster piss.

IPAs aren't hipster piss. Almost thought you weren't gonna show. It's a better listener than you. Harsh. but fair. Speaking of... Merry divorce! And a happy piss off. What is it now, three years?

Four and twelve. Still living the bachelor dream? What, dying alone? That's the plan. Is your next of kin still that hard drive where you keep all of your porn? Ah, you think it's just the one? Poor, naive Alice, so young, so foolish in the ways of love. Speaking of...

Ah, and there it is. Go on then, take your shots at poor little Alice. It's been, what, a month now? About that. I still can't believe you got on the job. After everything you said... Hey, moaning about exes on Divorcemas is just what you do. He's actually a good guy, you just needed to catch a break.

Sure, sure. Must be hard for you though. All those unfamiliar human feelings bubbling to the surface. Eww, are you trying to upset me? Aye. Then up your game, Becker, because I'm a stone cold emotional fortress. Oh good, then you probably won't have a problem with what's lurking behind you. What?

Alice, Colin. Oh god. Alice, what is Sam doing here? I, er... Hey, am I early? No. Did Alice invite you? Er, yeah. She said you were having a divorce party, which I assumed was just her way of

saying a bit of a booze up, so... You see, Alice, this is what happens when everything that comes out your mouth is a sarcastic joke. People get confused. Oh. Ah. Listen, if I'm intruding, I can... You're here now. What are you drinking? Uh, IPA. Thanks. Alice?

Okay, so Colin's been divorced a couple of times and as part of some bizarre cosmic joke, both of them ended up being finalised on the same day of the year. So he and I, we've kind of got this little tradition now, we're on that day today. We get together, get pissed and er... And? And bitch about our exes. Oh. Oh.

I should go. Too late for that. Colin's already gone to get you a drink. You duck out now and you're as good as dead. Sure, but... I wouldn't worry. He loves to see me squirm so I'm sure he'll have a great time. Here you go. Thanks.

Drink it. Er, okay. Well go on then. Sorry? I think what Colin is trying to say is that as the newest member of this particular bitchy subcommittee, you have to spill on your exes. Um, okay. So, uh, there was this girl.

I'm right here. Hey, I'll have you know I have plenty of exes. What, like actual humans? Get on with that. Right, yeah, sorry. So, her name was Kelly, and she worked at my old office in HR. Red flag? Did she make you sign a form?

She was nice. That's not what I asked. She may have needed us to declare a potential conflict of interest, but... But that wasn't why we split up. Christ, what was the reason then? Oh, it just didn't work out. Right. Listen, Sam, if you're going to hang with the mean girls,

you're going to have to do better than that. What sucked about her? What obnoxious habit did she have? What drove you up the wall and made you want to gnaw your arm off? Oh, I don't know. Oh, actually, she had this weird thing where when she laughed, her tongue came like all the way out of her mouth. It was so weird. I can't really do it. It was like, eww, right? And she was into old black and white comedies. You

know, Laurel and Hardy, Hardy the Marx brothers that kind of thing I mean, that's annoying sure, but it's no I mean She was really into them as in every date was around her place watching old movies and every time we ended up I'm sure you looked very fetching dressed up as Charlie Chaplin in stockings and handcuffs. What? No, it was nothing like that. Although she did ask me if I smoked cigars and seemed a bit disappointed when I said no. Oh Sam, my poor little oblivious baby shrimp. I'm telling you, it wasn't like that. We were just talking about- Oh my god.

What? She bought me a bowler hat. I'm sorry? What do you mean she bought you a bowler hat? It was a gift. She said she thought I'd look good in it. I bet she did. Amazing! It's not like I wore it out on the street or anything. Just once or twice when... Oh Sam, I know you think you want normal, but I think it's pretty obvious that deep

down you only go for the truly depraved and bizarre. Sounds about right. Damn skippy. Well, what about you then, huh? I'm guessing it was non-stop horror stories when I wasn't on the scene. Mate, you have no idea. You are a well-adjusted genius alpha male heartthrob compared to what Alice has been dating. I'm not that bad. Oh no? So you'd be happy to hang out with Amy again then? Look, say what you like about Amy.

Alright, I will. She was a psycho who got you mixed up with your own brother and then stabbed him for being an imposter. I'm sorry, what? Okay, Colin is exaggerating. She barely broke the skin and in her defence she was very high at the time. Jesus. Obviously we broke up after... Yeah, a month after. A month? Jesus Alice. As I was trying to say earlier, say what you like about Amy, but she was a fabulous lay. My theory is, Alice can only get off with people who have properly bat shit, you know? Like... oh god what was his name? Ignatius.

That was it. Bloody Ignatius. The man who was being hunted for the secret to cold fusion. Okay in my defence, he didn't tell me that until the second date. Sure, because he was too busy on your first date explaining how you might need to go off grid because he was being pursued by... what was it he said? Despicable agents of numerous foreign powers. And there was a second date. He could have been a sexy super spy. I mean I don't know how super he could be if he told you that on the first date.

Oh stick it up your bowler heart. You have no idea how bad it is out there for a trans woman with basic standards. Alright, so if I meet one, she'll have my sympathies. You're up, Becca. Oh yeah, this is your divorce party or whatever, isn't it? So go on then, weirdest hookup. I don't do hookups. I mostly just hate people, marry them, then divorce them. Speaking of, you're about due to drop down on one knee again, aren't you? I'd watch out if I were you, Sam.

If I'm on my knees near any of you lot, it'll be because I'm finally rigging the entire place to blow with you inside it. Charming. Alright then, how about the first marriage? What happened there? He cheated on me, with my manager. Had been for a while. Shit.

Right, sure, tragic. A terrible breach of trust and all that, blah blah blah. But that's not the real reason, is it Colin? Alice, come on, you don't need to... Colin? Eh, might have been sort of, maybe looking to break it off anyway for a while. Oh yeah? Because?

Because he was turning into a crypto bro. I'm sorry what? Oh yeah, yeah laugh it up. You try living with someone when they fill the flat with bloody graphics cards running non-stop. You never put towards the energy bill and every conversation was just another lecture on bloody blockchain or blobcoin or whatever the latest bullshit doing the rounds on reddit was. That does sound... a lot. Yeah, so when I caught messing around clive, I dropped his crypto wallet in

the bog, took a dump and flushed. Last time I checked, that shit would be worth about 1.2 million now. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And that Sam, is why we celebrate this most holy of days. To drink, moan and remind ourselves that it's absolutely the right decision to die bitter and alone. There's plenty more fish in the sea... And they're all covered in their own shite. Hmm, well I don't know if I'm quite at your level yet. Still got the heart of a romantic I guess.

Oh, we'll cut that out of you and burn it on the altar as a sacrifice to the gods of messy breakups. I see. And would the high priests of Heartbreak accept a pair of pints as sacrifice instead? I suppose they could be convinced to lightly amend our dread litany. Just as long as it isn't any of that IPA piss. Of course, Your Holiness. I expect a full report on him next year after you wreck your life re-opening that particular scrawny can of worms. Bite me. No thanks. Vegetarian remember?

Then go suck a carrot or something. I wish I could Alice. I really do. The Magnus Protocol is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution non-commercial sharealike 4.0 international license. The series is created by Jonathan Sims and Alexander Jane Newell and directed by Alexander Jane Newell. This episode was written by Jonathan Sims and edited with additional materials by Alexander J. Newell,

with vocal edits by Nico Vettese, soundscaping by Tessa Vroom and mastering by Catherine Rinella. It featured Billy Hindle as Alistair, Shahan Hamza as Samar McCulley and Ryan Hope Veranderson as Colin Becker. The Magnus Protocol is produced by April Sumner, with executive producers Alexander J Newell, Danny McDonagh, Lynn C and Samantha F G Hamilton, with associate producers Jordan L Hawke, Taylor Michaels, Nicole Perlman, C.T. Huster Raven and Megan Nice. To subscribe, view associated materials or join our Patreon, visit RustyQuill.com. Rate and review us online, tweet us at the Rusty Quill, visit us on Facebook or email us via mail at RustyQuill.com. Mmmmm, yum!