The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E10 (February 6, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited Hello welcome to the 10th podcast in the series of 12. Ricky Jovey show with me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant and of course Carl Pilkington. Now, thanks for all your emails.'ve really started a community here, I think. We're all brought together by one aim, the fascination of the brain of Carl Pilkington basically. Yes, absolutely. There's thousands of people who are equally as obsessed as we are with it. I really don't know why it's called the Wiccretia show anymore. I mean, I was cynical at the beginning, but it's farcical. Welcome to the Carl Pilkinton show. Well people say they'd like to hear more from you and I but I don't see why when you've got this special in the room. I feel like the ringmaster

but the real star is the shaved monkey in a jar that we bring out. Do you know what I mean? That's it. That's the star of the show, you know? Yeah. Well we've had loads of emails actually and we've had one from this. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their one from one from one from one from one from one from one from one from one from one from one from one from the the the the ring the ring the ring the ring the ring the ring the ring things. things. things. things. things. things. things. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. the ring. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. things. the things. the ring. I think we should sell those as postcards. But someone's beaten us to selling merchandise. If you go to WW.cape press dot com forward slash Mr. Pilkington, someone is selling everything with Carl Pilkington's head on it. Now these are bootleg goods. We're not making any money from it, but I'm strangely proud. I just love to see millions of people wearing a little t-shirt or a baseball cap or drinking out of a mug with his little round head on it. He's made a clock which is perfect because it fits absolutely, you don't mean the sides of the head go right to the edge of the

clock because it's perfectly round. I'd like to see maybe as well those sort of rubber or plastic face that you can buy for Halloween with just Carl's face. Oh just millions of people all look like Carl. Oh that would be amazing what a world that would be. James Bevan has emailed in. He's from Abergavenny in South Wales. I'm going to read this verbatim. Me and my partner Ellie Richards are both huge fans of the podcast and as she's not aware of this email I would love it if one of you please on the podcast would ask her to marry me. So please ask Ellie Richards from Abbevan if she will marry James Bevan.

Cheers, keep up the great podcast work. Well that's done then? Well no, you see now I was thinking about this and I know that I'm the one who's read that out, but I'm thinking they're almost certainly going to want. Do you know who asked Ellie to marry me on my behalf? It was that lanky bloat you sometimes see stood doing Ricky Joveys and awards do. It's too complicated. They want to go, it was the comedy legend Ricky Joveys. But I think Carl's a comedy legend. He is, but once again, you know, he might be a passing fad. You know, we might all get bored of him, you know in in a year's time. It can't. It can. It can can can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can. It can't. It's the comedy. It's the comedy. It's the comedy. It's the comedy. It's the time. It's the to be. It's to be. It's. It's the to be. It's to be. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's to. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's. It-dye t-shirts. So I'm thinking, maybe where is you, you know, you've made your mark on the comedy last night. Maybe I don't want to endorse this.

I don't know what he's like. I don't want to suggest a woman to marry this man, I don't know. It's because if she goes loser and a weirdo and she agrees to marry him. She knows the guy she's already got herself in a position where this man's emailing some people he's never met before. So she already understands what James is like. Okay okay based on your own experiences Ellie make the decision whether to marry who is it? James or not I think just just could you do once more because that's probably not quite as eloquent as they were

looking for so get on one Ellie Ellie James says will you marry him this does not reflect the views of the management so obviously you must obviously let us know what Ellie's response is and we look for it enormously to find out whether she's um since and said no could he maybe in again about 50 years say if the marriage is still going. yeah okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay that that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not that's probably not not not not not not that's probably probably not not that's probably not that's probably not not that's probably not probably not that's probably not that's probably not that's probably not that's probably not that's probably not that's probably not that's probably not that's not that's not that find out whether she's seen sense and said no. Could he maybe again about 40-50 years say if the marriage is still going. And also we should just point out as well that if you know in you know because I think one in three marriages end in divorce. All right don't bring the tone down. All I'm saying is if they do end up getting divorce we should not in any way be responsible for that. We should not be held responsible. We shouldn't have to pay any kind of child support if there's a kid involved. We don't, we don't work paying any alimony. We were merely the messengers in this.

Carl, are you going to give them the thumbs up there? Do you wish them all the best? Yeah, you know, if that's what they want totime and still no wedding bells on the horizon. Well, it's sort of, it's gone past that time now. I think if you don't do it within the first sort of nine months or something. It's kind of like what's the point now? I mean, she goes on about it and stuff. That puts me off. So that's your only reason for not getting married, is it? You just don't like the event? Mainly that. Yeah, I mean it's not the thing. Like I've said to you before, if you could do it online, if it was just a little box that you tick, I do, send, you know, get back to work by mid-day and what have you. But it's like, you, you,'ve got a like smile and that. Heaven forbid yeah. It's just hard work in it?

Oh pretend it's the happiest day of your life. But surely you know if Suzanne a woman you love wants this very dearly why you not give it to her as a gift? Obviously get get your old work to pay for it but yeah why not give her the gift because Ithe special day? I've given loads of other stuff. We have an all right life and I think that can mess it up. My brother got married. We have an all right life as the best you can say, we have an all right. No, what, I mean, something I said to her, right, which you know maybe this could catch on, right, a way around it. At the end of the day day day, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th. th. th, th, that, that, that, that, that, that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, and I that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th. And, thin, thin. And, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the same name. I think it'd be really good if when you go on dates

and that, if you met people who have the same surname. Brilliant. And then you don't have to worry. That's amazing. Do a search on like other Pilkinsons, if you look all right, yeah I'll go out with her. Job done. Don't ever have to worry about getting married and that. Brilliant. That's one of the most stupid theory we've their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their s. their s. their s. thoomeree. thoomeree. thoomeree. thoomeree. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. thoomorrow. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. thoome. thoome. thoome. thoomomb. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. thean. the. the. th's not the injecting the 78-year-old dead woman with a baby was probably worse than that. But anyway, let's move on. It's the most stupid theory we've heard today. I'm suspect and there's going to be a few more before him. Exactly. So far. Yeah. Chairs for that, love. that's car pilkennaire. Cheers for that, yeah. C. Caird. to that's that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the their is their is their is their is their is the their is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the most the most the the most the most the most the most the the the the the most the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the most the most the most the most the most the most the most stupid. the most stupid. the most stupid. the most stupid. the the most stupid. the the the most stupid. the the the the most stupid. the the the my name is Earl and the it crowd I mean sort of being in the comedy business and that I think it's it's fair to say I'm qualified to give me opinion and these three things are funny so yeah stay in watch it have a good night have a nice little brew with it do what you want at the end of the

end of the day it's your life and it but see it Carl Pilkin Tuna! The Ricky DeVay Show on Guardian Unlimited. Still to come of course, Monkey News and Carl's Diary, excerpts thereof. I wonder if we should have a jingle for questions for Carl. Because a lot of questions coming for Carl. Okay. Oh, chimpanzee that questions for Carl. Yeah, okay, no, fair enough that works. This is from Jim and Bob in Manchester.

Carl, if you could talk to any animal, which one would it be and what would you say to it? Uh, insect animal, anything, insect animal, anything. Well, they said animal, but that's, yeah, that's brought into anything. Well, no, animal, insect is an animal. Yeah no but I'm just, you know, I don't want to get it wrong, I'm just thinking about, yeah. There's a lot of stuff out there, hon't they? Um, I'd probably go for the tortoise.

Okay. Because it would take a long time to walk away from you while you were talking. No, just because they live for ages so they'll have loads of stories. They've lived through a lot, you know what I mean? Through wars and stuff. Wow. If you get like an old one, that's about 100. Most of them have lived in a box in a garden for 52 years. No, but you get some that I've been about, and even if it's more than you, but they broaden their horizons a bit more than you.

They could probably teach you a thing or two, yeah. And what would you hope to learn from them? Just history. Right. From their very specific tortoise perspective. Other emails, we've had a lot of questions about time travel. People have fascinated about your approach to time travel. And I tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thoe, thoe, thoe, thoea, tho, their, thoea, thoomoomoomoomoomoomoomoome, thoome, thoome, thoome, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho. And, thoome, thoomorrow, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooomea. Andea. And, tooan approach to time travel. And I know we've talked about this in the past, but this is a very specific time travel question. If you had a time machine, Kyle, to what event in your childhood would you travel back to and why?

What's the point in going back to things that you thought? No, it's just that it's be as good as the first time, it never is. So I don't believe in going back to places in my life. What do you understand the question is, do you think they're asking, would you go back like a ghost and spy? Would you go back and you've got your childhood back? You are that child again, you're in the body, you are the child? Or you've got your adult head and experiences on, you know, you thi thi. I th th th th th th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thin. thin. Do thi thin. Do thi thi thi thi thin. Do thin. Do thin' thin' thin' thin' thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. Do thi. Do do thi. Do thi. Do do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thin. Do thin. Do thin. Do thin. Do thin. Do thin. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do thi. Do you thin. Do thin. Do thiiiiiiii. Do thi. Do you thi thi th I really don't think Kyle was thinking there was any of those variations. Let's be honest, but know that you've played them up. I think he was thinking of him, as he is now, in school with a cap on. Yeah, yeah, but six foot. Yeah, yeah, come on.

No, I don't think,travel thing. Well I think let's clarify one of Rick's points what if you could go back and you could live that moment again how would you do it differently? There's been times where that was a bit out of order or whatever but then you learn from your mistakes don't you so I don't want to go back and change stuff because it's it it it it it it it it it it it it. the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to toe. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's toee. I's. I's. I'm. toe. I's. toe. I's stuff because it's like that thing that they go on about in it where they blame the butterfly on an earthquake. You know, it's going to happen. If it wasn't that butterfly, it's another one. So why, why pass the book? Is what I'm saying? So you've got no regrets? There's nothing in your past you'd want to change? or do differently? What about if you went back and just sort of look like you know like Ebenezer Scrooge does with the ghost of Christmas past he goes back and he's sort of like looking at himself dancing and sterful what would you do what would you go back and have

a look at yeah but you're asking me to change I don't want to change it's it's impossible all all right this question this is it's not going to happen you're not going to have to it's impossible. Yeah I nearly died once in a on an ice pop right right now maybe if it would have died I'd say well let's go back to that and I won't have an ice pop you wouldn't be doing the podcast if you'd have died you wouldn't be having this email put to you what you're talking about you're they're saying you're rewriting history and then they're they're they're saying they're they're they're they're saying they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I'm th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I I I th I I I I I I th I th I I I I I th I I th I I I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thi to thi to to to thi to to thi to to to to thi told told told to to thi thou to the There's no need. You didn't die. You didn't die. And we've changed, you can't change anything. You're just going to go back and watch them. Would you like to go back and watch yourself choking on a Mr. Frees?

No, that's what I'm saying. That's why I wouldn't go back you're making the most of this opportunity to fantasize. I don't see the point in going back in anything. I mean, do you mean go back in time to the point of you can see like Rome in its working day? What in your childhood? Was Rome about when in your childhood? Were they gladiators in your childhood? Well that's what I'm saying imagination in Carl Wilkinson. Your mind can't thrown something unless it's like, you know, got two heads. But I don't see the point in doing something twice. Because the thing is safety, because the thing is safety, because the thing is safety, because, it's one good moment when it was about six that I loved. I then have to go through all the other. thagent. th. th. to. th. to. to. th. to. th. th. to. th. to. th. th. to. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. to. th. th. th. that. that. thi. thi. that that thi. th th the th th th that that th. th. th. th. th. I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, that. And, that. And, thr. And, thr. And, thr. And, toge. And, that that that that that that that that the, that the, and come back again. Yeah, whizz back and fast forward 35 years. No. Brilliant. No, like it was on offer. Like this was really on offer. Move on.

Migrant workers in South China are wearing adult diapers on packed trains heading home for the new year holiday because they've got no access to the toilet. Many supermarkets in this particular part of the train trips. Now what you make on that, Carl? that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th, like, th, th, like, th, th, like, th, th, like, th, thi, thi, thi, like, thi, thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like it, like thi, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like it, like, like it, like, like, like their, like their, like their, like their, like their, like to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their, their, their, their, their, make their, make their their their their their their their their to their their their their to their their their their to their to sales of adult nappies for the train trips. Now what do you make on that Carl? You're on a long, long train journey, three hours, four hours. You know there's no toilet, you know you're going to need to go, pop on her. Why isn't there any toilets? They just aren't on the trains. And they're a really a really a really a really really a really really really a really really really really a really really really a really really really their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toe. train. their toe. They're to to toe. They're toe. They're toe. They're to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train. train.? Hours. Very long in China, it's a big country. I wouldn't, I couldn't do that. I couldn't do it. I'd have to hold it in or something. Just like, I mean when I was a young kid, I don't know how young you are when you wear a nappy and that. But I remember that I didn't like it, doing it in a pair of pants like that, a pair of nappies and that. And I used to to to to to to to to th I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I didn't like it doing it in a pair of pants like that, a pair of nappies and that.

And I used to have to, even when I was too small to sort of get up on the toilet and that because you'd fall in. My man knew that I didn't like nappies and that. I used to just go in in the corner just near the kitchen in this thi that, like a little, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, a that, a that, a that, a that, a that, a that, a that, that tray. That cats have that. I mean, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't like that, but it's, that's, you know, that's the same sort of idea and I'd go there and, uh, I do really think. And, you know, my mom used to say, oh, he's going there, don't look at him and that, because it put me off. You know, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, their, their, their, their, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, like, like, like, like, th. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It wasn't, th. It's, thi. It's, th. It's, th. It, it, it, it, it being watched when they do it. When they go in their litter tray in the kitchen. No, they don't like it. I've tested it again.

What are you just like a little feral kid? Just running around and going to the litter tray, covering it up and then running up the curtain and eating a suite at the don't think it'll catch on. Well it has caught on. They're all doing it, they're just, they're just sitting there, they're doing, you know, they're reading the paper, doing Suduco and they're looking around when they're going, oh, no one knows I'm going. And everyone's thinking that and everyone's going. I mean it's partly because there are there there are there are there are there are there are there are their their their their their their their their they are they are th. th. th. they're thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. It's thi's thi. It's they're all that's that's that's that's all all all that. It's that. It's that. It's that. It's they're all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's they're all. It's they're all. It's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. I's th. It's th. I's thi. It's all. I's just just just, th. I's all. I's all. It's all. It's all all. It's all. I's all. It's all. It's all. million peasants from China's vast rural areas who swarm into the cities for work and so you know that that sheer number of people means that

the trains are so overcrowded. I just don't, I mean what, what, what are we getting to? You know what I mean? What's going on in the world? Like this is happening? No. I mean, people have always had to travel for ages. I just don't understand why there isn't a toilet on it. We're going backwards. We're going backwards.

Aren't we? Why isn't it a toilet on it? Well maybe there is, but maybe people are thinking the queue is going to take forever. But not everybody wants to go at once. I mean I know Chinese and all that alike at the forefront of everything that goes on in the world inventing stuff first but this isn't one of the best. That they've come up with. What was they invented then the Chinese? Just loads of stuff aren't they? Yeah well he's gonna ask you. They seem quite educated on the subject but they've did them cat mop thii. The their their th. T th. T th. T th. T th. The that. The that. The that. The that. The that. The that. The that. The that. Then't that that tho tho tho that's thin' thin' tho tho tho tho thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' the the the the the thoinnn't their the their the the their thoinn't the the the the the thi thi thi told you about. This was where you put mops on the feet of cats, was that right? Yeah. And they wander about the house, clean up and that, wash the floor for you, whilst they pottering about. They've done like, atts with umberillas on them. They've done, I mean, they've

they've known for like, coming up with stuff first. Just a final mention of one of the emails that came through from Phil Hobby in Falmouth in USA. He says, hello chaps, just wanted to let you know that I was at a party on a Friday and I bought two remixes of I could eat a knob at night. Half them were even singing along. So big thanks to you Ricky, Stephen Carl. Now what would be ideal of course I suppose is one of the big superstar DJs if they could drop that. you know a car, you know a car, a fat boy slim. Tong. Pete. He got power. to hear. I'd love to hear. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. the boy. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the the the the th. the th. th. th. the. the. the the. the the the the the the. the the. the. the the the. the. the. th. the. th able to put that in I know he's more of a hip-hop guy but yeah so I mean if we get if you if you if you at any point ever hear I could eat a knob at night at the remix at any kind of club event let us know we'd love to hear about yeah yeah yeah the Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited

Well now to one of our most popular features I mean this could even rival monkey news one day. I mean it is monkey news it's you know it's news from the point of view of a monkey a shaved monkey it's Carl Pilkerton's diary. Oh he's written it down yeah. Was that the jingle or were you just annoyed about it? Okay. Went and did the podcast we had a after. I don't like meetings as I can't keep focused on what people are talking about. I think Ricky has the same problem as after 25 minutes he was trying to wrestle me. I tried to do what spiders do and stayed still as if I was dead.

But Ricky just stayed on top of me, not moving. A bit like when you see one of them big snakes swallowing a sheep. Ricky got bored and released me. I went home thinking, why had I left my old job for this? A homeless man asked me for some money, but I didn't feel like I should treat him as I felt that he'd probably had a better day than me. Oh, God! Suzanne called me to say she'd gone for a haircut and that she'd meet me in the supermarket. I went to the supermarket but she wasn't there. I called her and she said

she was near the fruit aisle. I went to the fruit aisle and she wasn't there. Turns out she was a different supermarket on the other side of town. And if I'd listen to her properly, I'd have known that. I didn't want to say to say to say to say to say to say to to to listen to listen to listen to listen to listen to listen to listen to to listen to to to listen to to to to to be to listen to be, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the the the the the the supermarket, I'm, the supermarket, the supermarket, the supermarket, the supermarket, the supermarket, the supermarket, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the supermarket, I'm, I'm, the supermarket, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm their, I'm they. Soo, I'm not, I'm not, I'm the the the the supermarket, I'm, I'm known that. I didn't want to say that I... Well, you just went to the first supermarket you thought of, as opposed to listening to what supermarket... I'm in the supermarket, all right, bye. I didn't want to say that I hadn't heard her properly because my ears were ringing a bit from the restling from earlier. Twenty-five minutes later I met up with their their their that bad. Normally her haircuts are followed by an argument between us as she pays over the odds for some daft haircut that's the latest style.

I wish she'd take a picture of a magazine or asked for a style rather than letting the hairdresser do what she wants rather than letting the hairdresser. I said I only tell her to do this as she's got a square head and a close cut hair do it makes it square. I said it looked all right as I couldn't be bothered arguing about it. It's weird writing a diary. I don't know who thought of doing one of these first. The last time I did one was at school. They used to get you to do it so they could keep an eye on whatever you were up to. My diary should say the same thing every night. Got home, went to the shop, went home, watch tell-o'-o'n, watch, watch, watch, something different to write. You've not told us about Twiggy's Dance Club? It's just, you know, I sort of, when I was a kid I sort of gave everything a bit of a

go, I did boxing and that, didn't I? I gave that a go. About 45 minutes. And, uh, yeah, a mate, sort of said, oh, you know, you're into your dancing, your robotics and you're doing your body popping and that. It was, it, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, I, I, th, I, th, I, I, thin, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th, I th, I th, I th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, th., th. th., tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, I sort, I sort, I sort, I sort, I th, I ought to come to Twiggy's and I went there but I didn't go in it was shut it was it was just having like loads of toilet rolls delivered I think like they they were like using it as a storage place for toilet rolls and that so I said oh I've come to have a dance and like oh not tonight come back I never went back brilliant what a waste of an anecdote! What a waste of an anecdote!

Brilliant! Just a recap, you are convinced then that the teachers are asking you to keep diaries so they can keep tabs on you. And then to continue the diary, as there were more problems happening on the estate, they started to add Saturday and Sundays to the school diary to keep an eye on what we were doing at the weekend. I struggled to fill it on a Sunday as the shop I got potatoes and bread from was shot on a Sunday. I had to go over to Shepard's Bush to meet someone. I got the tube. There was a badly in your body one by one without dying. If it was a competition the cockroach would win as it can live for a week without a head.

I just mean like, say, say, you know, they run out of our ideas for TV programs and that, right? They get someone who isn't well. Do you go, look, do you mind if we make a program on you? And what they do, they sit them in the bed and they go, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, they they they they they they they they they they they they're, the, say, they're, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, say, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they.. I. they. they. they. they. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're they're they're they. they. the bed and they go right what we're going to do now is tech out the heart but replace it with a pacemaker right no no no no no sorry people with pacemakers don't have their heart taken out and a pacemaker popped in all right then some sort of machine what what I'm getting to is have you been playing operation what I mean is what I mean is the big finale would just be ahead, chatting with loads of wires going into it and it's like look what we can do with science. That's what the program's called. It's the same every week.

The volunteer is just ahead with those wires going out of it. Look what we can do in science. And he's going, oh I feel it all. Got some post delivered to me today. It was... Oh, this is great. This makes makes makes makes makes makes makes makes tha. tha. the the the the the tha. the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the th. the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. What. th. What. What. What. What. th. th. What. th. th. th. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It. the the th. th. th. the th. to. the to. th. th. thoday. It was... Oh, this is great. This makes it in the diary. Got some post delivered to me today. It was addressed to Mr. Dilkington. I don't know why that's so funny. Oh God.

I got some post delivered to me todayoday was addressed to Mr. Dilkington. I opened it and the first sentence read, Dear Mr. K. Dilkington, you're one of our most valuable customers. I put it in the bin. Thought I would learn some new words, as Steve always says I don't use enough different words. I read in the four teean times that the word W-U means an ugly female ghost with drooping breasts.

What do you mean? Is that how I'm, am I pronouncing that word? Who is using that word? It was just W-E-W-E. Let's call it a Wu. An ugly female ghost with drooping breasts. I think I'm right when I say there are too many words in the world. I don't think I will ever get round to using the word woo. Watched a health program.

Wasn't watching it properly, but heard some doctors say that we only get so many heartbeats in a lifetime, so don't do too too too too too too too to do to do to do too much exercise. I told Suzanne and she said I probably hadn't heard it right. We got talking about death. Suzanne said she didn't like thinking about it. I said she might end up being a woo. I was chuffed as I'd managed to use my new word. I went to the supermarket to get tonight's tea. I went to the supermarket to get tonight's tea. On the way I stopped and looked in the fish mongers at all the different fish they had in the window. It's like a child in

one of those kids' TV shows. I know! Mr. Pilkington went to the fishmonger. He stopped and looked at all the fish in the window. Hello Mr. Dilkington, they said. There was a newspaper clipping stuck on the glass. the glass. the glass. the glass. the the the the the the the thapapapapapapapapapap an th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. thine. I. thine. I. I. thine. I was. thi. thi. thi. I in th. I was. I was in th. th. th. I in th. In th. In th. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. In. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the the the t. It's. It's fish that they've made in Taiwan. I don't see the point in doing this as a fish having two heads ain't going to solve the world's hunger problems as the head is the bit you throw away. Invent a fish with two bodies and I'd say well done. Suzanne watched one of her favourite TV programmes. I've told her the tally only goes on if there's something she wants to watch. If there's nothing on, she has to talk to me about stuff I've learned. Like Descartes. Like Descartes, watch the program on him the other day. He is the one who said, some it like, I know I'm about because I dream. Doesn't work for everything, because ants don't sleep. It's just one long day. I don't th. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't th. I don't the th. I don't th. I don't the th. I don't the th. I don't the th. I don't the the the. their. the their. that. their. their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. to to to th. their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. too. too. too. I've too. I've too. I've too. I've toda. I've. I've. I've. I've tell. I've. I've. tell. tell. telle. You don't know if you would like it if you didn't

ever sleep. It's just one long day. I don't know. Don't how you put up with that? Do you think it be a good idea? Why not? Why not? Because as you said, it would get a bit boring, you know, sleep is your rest, your time off. It gets, it helps you detoxify, it helps you sort of think things through on a subconscious level. But don't you ever get it wet? I mean sometimes it's brilliant to have a sleep when you're tired, but don't you sometimes feel like... That's the best time to have a sleep when you're tired. No, but sometimes when you go to bed and you're not that tired and you're kind kind of of to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to get, the to get, the to, the th. I, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi. I'm going, thi, thi, thi, thi. I'm going, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi............ I, th and th and thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. And, thi.'m not really in the mood for this stuff. Well that's just wishing you had longer on this earth doing creative things.

I mean if you didn't have to sleep you could spend more time talking to a tauters and going to the toffee shop. Ha ha ha ha ha ha'r. Ha'a' today, I'm just saying if you're staying, the'a'a'a' nice, which, you know, if you are, then fair enough, go out. But I'm just saying if you're staying in, you've got new green wing, right, that's nearly ready. Got my name is Earl, The It Crowd, all funny stuff and that. Don't know about you, but you know, I'll be staying in watching it, just having a bag of crisps and stuff. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so if you, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you're they, if you're they, if you're they, they, they, th, th, th, th, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the their, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, that, that, that's thi, thi, thi, thi., thi. that's thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, it's that time again, if you'd give us the jingle, please. Oh, Jim, Panchay, I... you fucking thus!

Okay, now that surely cannot be fair on anyone's ears listening. Right, um, ages ago, right, about the 1950s, oh yeah, there was this gangster knocking about and do you know how like... were they called Hairy Fingers? Do you know like a lot of gangsters like to get into gambling and that? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, like all these, all these, all these piers and that, all Yeah, yeah. And you know all these all these peers and that all these all these mates who had like gangsters and stuff they've all bought horses right that they tech you know tech racing and they make money from them that don't yeah so anyway he was like Shackles the seagull was no different and he was like yeah that's a good thing to get into a bit of that right so he gets he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he was he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he was he was to he was to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to he was to to he was he was he was he was he was he was that that's a good thing to get into it might get into a bit of that right so he gets himself this horse right and it's a big race coming up that's why he's a

bit of a last minute and the jockey turns up and it's fine the jockey and it's fine excellent okay well that was another podcast so anyway so please listen well oh hey so anyway so anyway so anyway so so so so so so so so so the the the the the the the there there the there there the there there the there there there there there the there there there there the there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there's there's there's there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there there the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's the the thi's the the there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there up, is like I've got to be involved in this because I can make a lot of money out of me also. Choose the jockey wisely then. So he says to his, like, mate, he said, look, I've got myself horse and that. He said, look, I've got myself horse and that. I've got myself horse and that. He said, we just need a jockey, theyrothed, he's to th, he's th, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, I's, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he. to, he. to, he. the, he. the, he. the, he. the, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. the, he. the, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's anyone do something about the jockeys, there's never been a shortage jockeys because a lot of them don't make the grade. So there's always too many jockeys to go round. Normally always too many human jockeys. Yeah! There's never a problem getting jockeys. Go on. So, go on. So, so,they don't make the grade so. But in the 50s from your knowledge there was never there was not like in 1951 a shortage of jockeys

for just one absolutely never I've known about that. I'm quite keen. Right so. So anyway so his mate says like I'm having a problem getting a problem getting a jockey. Seems like to just been saying I'm just just just just just just just saying. It just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying th. It's just saying thin. It's just saying it's just saying it's just saying it's just saying it's just saying there's just saying it's just saying it's just saying th. It's just saying there's just there's just there's just there's just there's just there's just there's just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just. It's just just. It's just just just just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's just saying. It's saying. It's saying. It's just saying. It's th. It's just th So, just because the main problem was, a lot of jockeys were aware of this gangster and were saying I'm not getting involved with this guy. The chances are, I won't get paid, you know, he's a gangster, it's not worth it. No, you would do it if it was a gangster asking you, isn't you? He'd be scared of the consequences. So anyway, he's saying, look, don't be in the race, saw it out, so they're like, oh but boss and he's like, don't give me any of that.

Exactly, they do what he says, so any jockey would do it. Go on. So anyway, so the day before. The big race, yeah, left it to the last minute, okay, but fine. And he says, have you got a jockey, then, but don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, the, the, they. they. they. they. they. they. the, the, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, he. So, he. So, he. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. So, so, so, so, so, so, yeah, he was saying, as he'd ridden their horses before on that, he said, well, yeah he has, but mainly, and he's like, brilliant, he goes, yeah, but mainly in like a circus. No, like in the circus and that, it worked, it worked with horses and stuff in the circus, it's fine. So it's like that's enough. That's all I need to know. Well, they? They're being heavy than jockey because the jockeys are about eight and a half stone. He said brilliant, get him down there and that right. Anyway, the race happens.

He didn't want to meet him before end? He wasn't wearing it. No point, not bothered. As far as he's concerned, he's all their money on it and what have you. What happened is too long. It's that sort of problem. So they let him wear his stuff that he wore in the circus and that because it's comfortable with that. It's happy with it. Anyway, race starts and what have you?

This horse and what have you? This horse, straight out of the trap and that, high speed, right? This jockey's got a really never seen him before and yet look at him but they can see his face clearly anyway gangsters happy in that because he's he's one but I don't just say the crowd the crowd the crowd can't the crowd I mean it's the crowd he's so fast and it's so fast and it's all such a good reach that he managed to grab old... Who is? And well they could tell he was smiling, they could tell him smiling, they could tell him

smiling, but they couldn't see the detail of his face, is that right? Just clarify that? Well, it's just blur and that. Sure, but they could tell you know, like, the w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w w their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they were smiling they were smiling their their their they were smiling, he was smiling, he was smiling, he was smiling, he was smiling, he was smiling, he was smiling, he was smiling, he was their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thea. theatheir theateathea. theateateateateathea. theateateate, he was theate. theate. the.. And all the women are there and do you know like women are all doled up at these events? Sure. We've all got big big hats on. Sometimes they got fruit on those hats. Yeah. Okay. Right. Yeah. One of the women had like you say fruit and what have you on it, a little banana. Right. Some of the Cuban, one of the women, they're not real, they're not real the hat. One the hat. One the hat. One the hat. One the hat. One the hat. One the hat. They're the hat. They're the hat. They're their their their they're their they're they're they're their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. that. the. the. We're all all all all th. We're all all th. We're all all th. We're all the. We're all the. they're all they're all they're all and what have you on it, a little banana. Right, some kind of Cuban women. They're not real though the hat. They're not real fruit, no they're not. Not real fruit, it was not.

But I thought they wore those sort of Cuban entertainment shows, I didn't realize they wore them at events. Even if it's like a big event, you know you might have a hat with fruit and it's a joke, no, no, no, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they, their, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they're not real, they're not, they're not, they're because it would perish. Well, this jockey didn't understand that. He'd never seen false fruit. I don't understand. But why did the jockey suddenly, why was he so desperate for fruit? I don't understand. So anyway, so meanwhile, the gangsters collecting his 500 quid winnings, like he's over the moon.

He's over the moon. It kicks off because of this one this this this this this the the the the understand the way the jockey would go. Everyone noticed, Jockey, little monkey fella. Oh, that makes sense. If he was a monkey, that would make sense. Yeah. What year was this? Because I want to go to... It was 1950s. And that's where the saying comes from about, do you know, like in Cockney slang, 500 is a monkey. He sort of he sort of put on it, you know, he put, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he, he, he, he's, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was, he was, he, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, if, if, if he was, if, if, if, if he was, if he was, if he was, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he th. If, if he th. If, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he, if he was, if, if he was, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if th. If. If. If, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if th. If, if th. If, if he was a th. He was, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to the time when... So this happened in this in England? In this country, in England, so someone could well still be alive that we could easily contact that we'll... Well that's it, we always, you know, there's no time length on this monkey news if you've got any, if it's history, you know, if it goes back, just send it in. If it's bollocks, please send it in. That's a bolo. If the week. If this week. If the week. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. It. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the week. th. th. th. th. the week. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. Well. th. We's th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We's th. We's the th. We's th. We's th. We's th. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. We's. We's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. We'll. We'll. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. th. the. the. th. th. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. end of the 10th podcast in the series of 12. Only two more to go. One more hour of the drivel that is the thoughts of Chairman Pilkington or Dilkington as

he should now be known. This podcast was brought to you by Positive Internet. Those great guys of Positive Internet host the world's number one podcast. It's goodbye from me, Ricky Juvai's, Steve and Merchant. If you want to get in touch remember it's podcast at Ricky Juvays. tho and Carl Pilkington. Hegevey Show on Guardian Unlimited. you know,