The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E11 (February 13, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Hello and welcome to number 11 in our series of 12 podcast with me Ricky Javais, hello, Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Now Carl, you have become a phenomenon, okay? Right. this is a new story that's gone everywhere. It started I think in New York, Reuters and then that's been taken up by every Reuters network everywhere, India, all over Australia, England, okay here it is. The headline is, podcast makes Britain an unlikely internet icon, Britain there, B-R-I-T-O-N, okay? Now, this is the story by Mark Egan, and it came out of New York originally, unemployed British

radio producer Carl Pilkington has become an unlikely superstar by using the medium of podcasting for his bizarre statement about eating in animals private parts. Remember that? Yeah, it was more about like that reality show. It says that here. It was during a discussion on the Javais show about a reality TV show where contestants were asked to eat an animal's penis. Pilkinton made internet history while talking about this, it says, right? First he said he could not eat the animal's penis in the morning because he had a delicate stomach.

He then proclaimed using the British length of penis, I could eat a knob at night. Okay? His knob sound bite has become so popular that a Google search for I could eat an thoat night yields more than half a million listings, okay? Among them are T-shirts featuring the slogan, and Pilkington's bald head selling for $17. Why did I have to make a point about your bold hair? I don't know what's why is that getting a little mention? Wow! It's not how you did? It doesn't matter I see the t-shirt have a look at it. What is ball? What is it? I'm not going to make any difference? You're have a t-shirts featuring

the slogan and Pilkington's bald head. I also liked it when it said, Pilkington plays the village idiot on the Ricky Givay show, okay? Now, plays a village idiot suggests that he thinks you're a character, that character being a village idiot. The problem is, the fact that you're not a character, to me suggests suggests that you are just a village idiot. A global village idiot. Yeah. Now... Just on the websites though when it said, there's loads of websites about eating a knobby night. Have they looked at each website and gone, yeah, that's to do with the podcast?

Yeah. Or is it just like gaze and that, say, icon, Carl, because you say things like that. After Jivais mused on the show that the soundbite could be used in a dance remix, it took just a few days for the internet to be awash with songs, using the soundbite as a hook. So what do you think that, Carl? Oh, I mean, is it big in India? Well, I don't know. It's all it goes around the world. This is a story that's showing the world. I know, but I just can't believe the problems that if I was in India, I wouldn't be getting upset about someone in London talking about a knob at night with a knob at night. I don't think anyone's getting upset in India.

You're just saying that their image of everything. That's your image of India, is it? Their ungreen is dusty. I assume it's, you know, the parts of India that aren't dusty and in poverty. There is a lot of poverty in India, but there's also, you know, this is a major civilization, and the people that live in apartments with computers they probably might tune in. But I don't think it's an issue all over the world, is it? Because there's some places where they eat dogs. They'd go, no about night, not a problem. Might not be a bad thing. Why is that out on a t-shirt? I had one last Wednesday? Not an issue. What are you mean? That's what I'm saying. Yeah again, if there are cannibals listening, if it's

you know in places that you wouldn't travel to and they get old of a little laptop and an iPod and they're listening to that I can eat another night then they're going what's the problem what's the big deal we all we love a nob at night we love in a little nobite yeah that's the rule but what in the morning, nobent night. That's the rule. But what about the fact that they're saying you're a phenomenon, a global phenomenon? Because when you were, you know, a tiny little round-headed mank growing up in Manchester, you could not, surely have ever anticipated that you would one day be described as a phenomenon, an international phenomenon. But, you know, at the end of the day, I went to that school, you know, with a kid with a big ed and webbed hands. Now he should be being talked about.

He doesn't want to be talked about. If you've grown up with a big ed and webbed hands, the last thing you want to be is talked about. He wants to put on a pair of... He wants to put on a pair of mittens and paint his head like a crash helmet. So people people he like a big head but it's probably just the crash helmet. Yeah just go about his business. Yeah I noticed. Won't get stopped on a bike or anything. Yeah but I say if you've got something that's a bit weird use it. That's what we're doing. That's exactly what me and Steve are doing. We have got something that's a

bit weird and we're using it and I want to speak to the people the people to speak thanks for listening, but how famous can you make Carl Pilkington? Are you a journalist? Please write about this for people who probably haven't listened to Carl. Talk about Carl Pilkington. Put a poster up in your window. I love Carl Pilkington. Print a badge, give it away. Email your friends.

Tell one person about this podcast. And let them discover the amazing beauty that is Carl Pilkington's mind. All right. Astala Vista baby. I'll be back. I'm here to tell you about Friday night comedies on Channel 4. There's three great comedies.

New Green Wing, it's nearly ready. My name is Earl and the It Crowd. The great new comedy from creator of Father Ted. Get your ass to Mars! Friday night comedy, this Friday on Channel 4. Switch it on. I'll be back. Uzin' 9mm. Cos-diddeadivost.

The Ricky Javace Show on Guardian Unlimited. As ever, Rick, there are hundreds and thousands of emails coming in. People contributing all kinds of stuff, pictures as always and little video clips that they think might be of interest. And of course, as ever, lots of questions for Carl as well, just to sort of try and tap into his brain, see what's going on there. Question from Jade Ramirez. Carl, what would you change if you were in charge of what kids are taught in school? Right, you know, because I mean your school experience was a bit, if you got very bored

didn't you, you got very disillusioned by school? Yeah. What I'd do, right? Is a, uh, instead of teaching kids about two and two in that which is four right well done show off uh...

i think should be asked more questions that make them think rather than something that has just got an answer I totally agree i totally agree right so like uh... teaching their the quest for knowledge in flaming their imagination but just freaking them out of it's I I I I I I I I I I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thoing thoing thatto teach them the quest for knowledge, inflaming their imagination. But just freaking them out of it as well, just going like, I knew that's where it was

going. Because as soon as you start talking, Rick, I was thinking, you're thinking some of the big existential or philosophical questions. Yeah. What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to interact level so they want to learn and then they will learn as opposed to just teaching in facts. Whereas he was thinking freak him out of it yeah no just like you know like I read the other day and someone sent in on email like how there's a dishwasher that's been found on Mars rubbish who soo what it's not true so to go go the their their their their their their they they's they's they's they's not they's not they's not they's not they's not they's they's not they're that's not that's not that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's not that's that's not that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not their their their their their their their their their their their th is not not their thrue that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, but it's not true. Go home and write about it, how did that happen? But it didn't happen. Well it did happen, it was in a times magazine. No, it didn't happen. There's not a dishwasher on Mars.

Why not? Because how did it, how did it get there? But we're always sending like rubbish out there and that. It's like. Well, the tips full, where are you? Where's the nearest thing we can dump this? Mars, I imagine. No, but the same way that fella who, I don't know, was it two Christmases ago, when he was messing about, saying I can get stuff to Mars and all that, he did it wrong, because he did it on like boxing day, and I just think but it crash landed. What are you talking about? What was he trying to do? He was sending

something up to Mars. Yeah, that little fellow the one to get some on Mars, and it got it didn't open properly. Yeah, it got there. But the thing is it got there, that open properly. No one's been back to picket up and what I. And the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And the th. And th. And th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin is th. thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thi. What was thi. What was thi. What was thin' thi. What was thi. What was th. What was th. What was th. What was th. What was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was th. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was th. It was th. It was th. It's th. It was try. It was try. It was try. It was try. It was try. It was try. It was try. It was try. What was try. What was th. What was th. What was th. What was planet. It's a tip. There's loads of stuff that's been flirted up there. No, it's not. It's just old, like that probe thing is still there. Rotting away. Yeah. So, so facto, there is a dishwasher on Mars. We've settled that. Why would they have a dishwasher on Mars? Would they take the dishwasher up with the space? In case they're have a little dishwasher in there. There's a lot of them, tight space. You don't want to, but who's going to do that? You know, that means... Do you know how much fuel it takes to move a kilogram? Yeah? Out of the earth's atmosphere? So they're going to take up a dishwasher, are they? Sorry, but what are they cooking up their car? How many people do it? tha. How many people? How many people? How many people? a banana shoe that feeds it or probably two or three humans.

Right, say it's three humans. Now, there's three humans because they need one to stir it, one to like be going, yeah, we're all right. Yeah, I'm just to make some hors theirs. I'm saying is if you're going to start having a sink, then whoever's washing up. I know because they've got a dishwasher. He's got you there. But anyway, I'm not going to go into that, but all I'm saying is teach kids things about, say to him, like when you go home tonight, it was dinosaurs knocking about ages ago. How would you have lived with them? Get on with it, see you later. Well, they didn't.

I've told you this before. You got a lot of your information information information information information information information information information information information information information information information from from from from from and one million years BC with Rakhal Welsh. There weren't dinosaurs knocking around where there were little fellas knocking around in furry pants. No no but just sort of saying to him, all right then there's a different question. Go on and would it be better to have dinosaurs knocking about now whilst we're here? Because I put that in my diary the other day that when you think about it is a population problem. There's too many of us. We're saving people all the time. No one's allowed to get injured anymore. You've got to wear helmet when you're on a bike, your speed bumps to slow people down,

zebra crossing, cures for illnesses, no one's dying. Well, I think it's still people dying. Not that many though. Yeah, I think there's still millions of people dying. A handful apparently, a handful. Lots of people are living longer and that and that's that's a problem. So what I'm feel that you should introduce Tyrannosaurus wrecks into say London. Just wandering Just wandering around just picking their to and just random and that. I don't know I mean I'm not wishing that anyone I know dies and that but all I'm saying is I don't know anyone who's died for ages right whereas if a dinosaur was knocking about it go Neil's gone missing yeah and you know what I just think it then it is survival of the first which is we've lost all that now you don't even have to be fit to survive you just

keep sticking a new lung on you. Do you know what I mean? They can do too much now for people going. They just keep sticking a new lung on you. Question from Kevin, he says, Carl, other than the famous boxing match that you've often talked about, I know that took up about 20 minutes of your time. Have you ever been in any other kind of fight? I don't suppose a slang match. I thatkn't they they they they they they they they they they they've they've they've they're they're they're they're I think they're talking of everybody in a physical fight. Um, once that I can remember, it was over a woman, right, a girl, I was at school.

Yeah. And it was because like, it's hassle in it, right, relationships when you're younger. How are you? Um, about seven. It's over a woman. younger. About seven. It was over a woman. Go on then. Yeah, go on. And there was this girl knocking about who, you know, she was quite good looking, everybody liked. And my mate, he really liked her. And I didn't sort of ask her out on that, but she just sort of took her shine to me and stuff.

And didn't really go out with her properly. It's at that age where going out with someone is just like sort of going, all right, in the morning, do you know what I mean? You just sort of nod your head. Yeah. And that, anyway, there was some sort of school disco and they were playing spin the bottle or something and I sort of wandered over to see what was going on and I stood on this girl's dress and put Oal in it and she started crying I was like oh I can't be doing with this right you know

what's up with you so what's up with you and everyone's going to tell what you're doing that's meant to be your girlfriend and that you should be sort of saying oh I'm sorry and giving her a hug and all that and saying it'll be alright we'll sort the dress out so I can't be dealing with this now so she's crying our eyes out so it's over right all right oh it's over you saying in the morning yeah yeah no more there's no more in the morning so I go to the to the toilet right and this lad who this lad who fan fan fan fan fan fan this lad who this lad who th f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f is is is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is thus is thus thus is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is a th is a th is a th is a thus thus the the the to to the to to the to to the to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the to the toilet and this lad who fancies her comes in and goes you're out of order, you know and saying what you're on about. Sorry, there's two seven-year-olds.

You're out of order. Keep out. Yeah. Cut it out. Show her a bit of a bloody respect. Sorry, where are you wearing Trilvis? He put his cigarette out in the sink and he just said, leave it. Get out of my face.

I just sort of said, look, why are you getting involved and all that? Why are you getting involved? And it was obviously like, because you know, he fancied her and that. We had a bit of a fight in there. I accidentally, you know, sort of chipped his tooth on that. We had a bit of a fight in there. I accidentally, you know, sort of chipped his tooth on a sink. Wow, is it like a proper... Sorry, this is like someone from lock stock and two smoking bowels. What are you talking about two seven-year-olds in a toilet? I just, that, I don't know. you put a hole in her dress? I don't know, it was like that sort of material. You were wearing winkle pickers. Like crepe, you know what I mean? It was like a crepe

dress or something. And that got all in it. So you're having to, and when you say you're having a fight, I mean are you wrestling with it, you've got a head locked. A little bit of a little bit of wrestling and that and it was an accident. I didn I I I I I I I I I I I I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't sort I didn't sort I didn't sort I didn't sort sort I didn't sort I didn't sort I didn't sort I didn't I didn't sort sort sort sort I didn't sort sort sort sort I didn't I didn't sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I I I I didn't I I I didn't I I I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't Itooth hit the sink and it chipped and what have you. After that, like I sort of left there and stuff and we had to go into assembly and there was a copper in there doing some presentation saying, listen kids, you know, don't get into trouble because we're out there and we'll get you. Right, sort of try to teach the kids young young, to to to to the kids, their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, and their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, together.e, together, together, together, together, together, toge.e.e.e.e.e.ea.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a. I's, toge.a, try to teach the kids young not to get into any trouble and stuff. So I'm sat in the assembly room thinking, oh God there's a copper here talking and he, like my mate's going to come in in a minute like with a chip tooth and everything. And that's what kind of happened. I mean the coppers. Yeah. Yeah, that was the sort of the the the the the the copppapapapapapapapapapapaped the cop the cop, the cop, the cop, the cop, the cop, the coppip, the the the the th of th of thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their, th. th. th. T, th. T, th. T, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. So, they. So, they's, they's, they's, theea. So, thea. So, they's, thea. So, they's, thi, thi violence after that? Yeah. He said you'll never take me alive, Copper. So yeah, that was the sort of last fight.

Brilliant. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Some of the questions coming in now, Rick, are just I don't know what they're intending. What, what response they're hoping for, really? This is one from Rob. What are the thii, the human the human they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they that. that. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, tho. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, that. th. th. th. th. th. th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. That, th. So, th. So, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. So, that. So, that. So, that. So, that. So, so, so, that. So, so, so, that. So, that. So, that. So, that. So, what are Carl's views on the human appendix? What do you think, Carl? What do you think of the human appendix? Never worried about it. Well, no, I think Rob's point is that it's sort of pretty redundant now. The appendix used to be an organ that was packed with them, these enzymes that help break down

things like cellulose. But because of our diet now, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thinks, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, but because of our diet now and because the, you know, cooking and other things, we don't need to eat a lot of cellulose. We don't eat very, very low-grade things like, like rabbits, for example, huge appendix and seek them and they use it to break down cendares. They actually eat the feces, they actually eat the appendix and also when something goes wrong with the appendix if it bursts it can infect you and you can die from it so sort of what's the point in having it we don't need it and it can only cause us harm that was the question I think that Rob was

putting to you so now what are've talked about before where... He always says that. He always says something like, oh we've talked about and the thing that he's talked about is nothing like it. There's never... Go on. No, but just like in the way that we've messed with our body and we've messed with the world too much. Yeah. If we've got an appendix we must need it if it's dangling about, right? Well no, because such as the human evolution is that as you said before, you know, it's no longer based on survival of the fittest because we can we can fight nature and combat it. So our evolution, if you like, socially and everything else, it has been much faster than our biological evolution. What I mean is we've obviously interfered somewhere along the way and we shouldn't have

interfered. Yeah we shouldn't have done. Because it's the same way like, if we didn't have planes and that, would we have wings now? If we'd have needed to get about, would we have had wings? No, but you say that, but look at the way... because he's right. No, but all I'm saying is you see that little picture of like an ape to man, yeah, at first they're crawling

about on all fours because probably you're looking for food so you want to be down there. So if you're on both legs, you're missing stuff that's the time period to. th. Yeah, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, is thin, thin, the the their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, the little, th. th, th, th. th. th. th. th, th. th. th. th. the, the, the, thr, thr, thr, thr-s, thrown. the. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the ago. So what sort of time period do you think this little thing was scrabbling around looking for food stood up and walked? I don't know, I sort of don't worry about time. Right. Well I tell you now, we wouldn't have wings now. If the Wright brothers had said, oh forget it, we wouldn't have wings now. What would happen, right? Here's another question, this is one that I chuck out to kids as well we're talking about education teaching kids stuff. What would happen right? We ruin this world right? Goes wrong than that right? They shut it down. They go we're moving. We go to another planet. It's as simple as that. It's as simple as that. We can't go to Mars because it's full of stuff that used to be in Dixon's. It's like a tip. Yeah, it's a nightmare. So we can't go to there, we go somewhere else. So you find another planet, wherever it is, right? Where it's easy. Something that I've always wondered about if we do that, do we start new years or do we carry on, do you know, do you know what I mean? Do we say oh it's still 2006 or do we go it's world, it's world, it's world, it's world, it's world, it's world, it's world, it's world, it's world, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's th, or it's th, or it's still, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th, or it's, or it's th, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, th, th, or, or, th, or, th, or, or, or, th, or, th, or, th, or, or, or, or, th, th, th, or, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, is definitely the first priority. It's year one, right, we've sorted that out. Right, now. Well it depends, doesn't it?

Once you, because a year might not be the same on this planet. We'd sort that out, right? We'd sort out what year it is and that. Well, no, no, what I'm saying is, we'd have to start again anyway because the planet might not take not to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start. to start. to start. to be. to be. to start again again again again again. to be, to be, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's that's, that's that's that's that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's, that's, the the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their. their, their. their, their, their, their, their, right, their, right, right, their, right. We're their. their. to go around the sun. It might not take a day to turn. A day is a day because that's how long it takes. Yeah, but we'd have to carry on as we know because we don't want to start doing longer days and that otherwise it'll just kick off and say this is rubbish this new world. What are you a day is a twoy hour a day. We wouldn't have a choice. A day a choice a choice a choice a choice. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day is a day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day is a day is a day is a day is a day is a day is a day. A day. A day. A day is a day is a day is a day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A that's is a day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day. A day is a t. A day is a t. A day is a t. A day is a that is a that is a that is a day is a day is a that is a day is a day is a day is a day is a day is a day is a day. A day. A day. how long it takes the planet to turn and a year is how long it takes that planet to go around the sun. But a day is man-made really. There's places in the world where they're working in the dark, isn't they in Iceland? But they don't go, well it's dark all the time so I'll stay in bed. Well no, but there's still a work by that clock because that's what people use at the moment they go at time is it you go It's 20 past no no no we use that that because that's how long it takes the planet we're on

To to I've never worried about like that I've just always well No, I'm telling you I'm just saying that's fine and everything well, I'm tel you were asked to get to try? I the the tha. tha. tha. that's tha. that's tha. that's tha. that's that's that's their tha. that's that's tha. that's tha. tha. that's tha. that's that's that's to that's that's that's to to to me me me. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their. that's that's tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. that's how. that's how. that's how that's how that's how I'm just saying that's fine and everything. But if when I was born people said, there's 26 hours in a day, I'd go fair enough. I'm not going to argue. Well, yeah, we could have made that by long an hour is. Yeah, we could have made that. Well, they're saying they're going to do that. No, they're not. open, tech on more people, everyone's happy. That makes no sense at all. Right, save this 28 hours in a day. Yeah, it'd still be 24 hours long as we used to know it. No, you'd have like, oh what time is it? Oh, it's like 20 past, uh, 25, or whatever. Well, you're not having any sense at all. No, I'm just saying... The earth would still take 244 the the the the the the 24 the the 24 the 24 the the the 24 the the to to to be 24 the to be 24 to be 24 the the to be 24 to be to be 24 the to be 24 to be 24 to be 24 to be 24 to be 24 to be to be it. The earth. The earth would be to be to be to be the the their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to be to be to be to be to be to be to be tip, tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. to. It's tip. It's to to to to to to to be their their their their their would still take 24 hours as we know it now forget it.

Hang on a minute I want there's more interesting territory here let's say we've got to our new planet wherever that is. It takes 14 hours okay to you know to do its turn so we call that day right so we've now agreed that 14 hours is a day. But nothing it's going to take ages to get the town center built and that if people are if you've you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you. you. the. the. the. the. the. I you've. I you've. I you've. I the. I the. I've. I've. I've. I've th. I'm. I'm. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I. I. I'm. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to get the town centre built and that. If people are, if you've only got, I'm going with you, I'm defending you here. So we've got, so we've got that, we've established what the days, we've established what a year is, right? It's year one. It's Carl, year one. What next? All right? We've got Don't forget our sleep patterns have evolved on a day. The reason we sort of like go to sleep at night and have about eight to an hour sleep is because that's our evolution. No but that's only yeah that's just because what that's what we've got used to isn't it? Yeah you look at a sloth that's a sleep all the time. Yeah that's got the same watch

as us. It's doing what it evolved differently didn't evolve. It evolved differently, didn't it? It's living now in 2006, I'll wake it up. Right, you can't get away. You're not getting away with this anymore. If you want to live now, join in with us. Well, it's that time again. It's the feature that the world is saying could rival Monkey News one day. Ready? Oh, what's he written today?

Well, Carl's Diary. You didn't actually explain what it was. Actually, one person said, if we are going to get it published, we could maybe publish it as the diary of an idiot. Very good. So, you know, a little riffed there on one of the most famous diaries. Sunday, got up, sunny day, so went for a walk in the park. There was a bloat walking down the street who was whistling, some kind of annoying tune. He seemed quite happy with himself. Do people only whistle when they're happy? I don't whistle very much. It's a good point. Whistling is so inane to me. But yeah, but it's sort of like going, I'm content, I'm uh, it really is that thing that if they go, uh, you go, you th. you th. th. th. If th. If th. If th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. thi, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, th. Do, thi. Do, thi. Do, thi. Do, thi, thi. Do, thi. Do, the. Do, the. Do the. Do the. Do the. Do the. Do the. Do thi. Do, thi. Do, thi. if they go, you go, well Mr Melos I'm afraid we've got some bad news, not only is your wife died, but you've lost the house. Thanks doctor.

Wouldn't happen, no, you don't whistle when you're sad. The other place you hear of course is changing rooms and that's men going, I'm whistling. I'm whistling, I'm whistling. I'm whistling so I'm not looking at your cark. How could I be? I'm concentrating. I'm whistling. The lake was frozen over where I was walking. The ducks looked worried. They were sat on the edge of the lake waiting for it to melt. Were they, Carl?

Yeah, we're just sat there looking, sort of going, oh, what's going on? I don't know. How long is a duck's memory? Because I wondered whether they're going, this doesn't seem right, but I don't know why. I asked Suzanne, why ducks don't use their wings much? They seem to walk and swim and don't bother using their wings. Suzanne said she had to call her mom and dad so I never got an answer. Ha ha ha ha ha! The old excuse! The old excuse! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I I I I, oh, I, I, I, I, I, th. I, th. I, th. That, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thu, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, thus, I'm, thus, I'm, thus, thus, I'm, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, thus, I can't talk now, Carl. I'm gonna phone my mum. There was a marathon type run going on in the park. It reminded me of the time when we were moving flat.

It was a day of the London marathon. Me and Suzanne were walking down the middle of the road, taking some stuff to our new flat. I was carrying a lamp and a kitchen bin. People were clapping me, thinking I was doing some kind of fun run. Yeah. Why were you walking on the same route? Because it was when we lived on the docklands. Oh brilliant. There was no other route. The flat was just about 100 yards down the road. They're going look at the bloke with a bald wig. He's coming a lamp and a bin!

Took a bag of old clothes to Oxfam. It was just old t-shirts and a couple of jumpers with holes in it. I don't think anyone will buy him. But the Oxfam is closer to the flat than the wheelie bin is. Ha'a' tooks the sheet off of one of the bodies, on the chew work on a body, she takes the sheet off of one of the bodies and it looks exactly like her. This is called a doppelganger. What's a doppelganger to you? It's the thing I read about an ages ago where someone was walking down the street, yeah and he sees somebody who looked a bit like him. And no this was

weird than that. He remembers like going down that street as a kid on his bike whistling. And then he sort of, he's walking down the street, go out and get some milk or whatever from the shop. Little bike comes whizzing past. He hears the whistling, he goes, that's weird. Look so that it was him when he was a kid. Don't talk about the time a time shit. What do you mean it was him as a kid? This is like a different form of doppelganger. It's just impossible, it's rubbish.

Some sort of time thing, isn't it? No, no, it's not impossible. It's just some kind of time thing, Rick. No, no, no, just some kind of a time. Yeah, it's some kind of a ti-a'er. I saw a jogger who was pushing a pram at the same time. The kid looked terrified. Got my science book out. It said that the static you get on the tele when a channel isn't tuned in properly is radiation that is still knocking about from when the big bang happened. I thought about the big bang and wondered if it was really a big bang or did it just sound

louder as there was no other noise to drone it out? Good point, no, isn't it? Kyle's diary, Rick, never ceases to amaze. More from that next week. Hey, fool, don't give me no backchart, sucker. I ain't here to mess with you. I ain't getting in no plane. I'm here to tell you all about Friday night comedy on Channel 4. Hmm. There's three great new comedies. New Greenwing. Yeah fool, that's nearly ready. My name is Earl and the egg crowd. They're great new comedy from the creator of Father Ted. Sucker. Friday night comedy this Friday on channel 4 foo- it on or I'll be around your house you stay up all night shivering

because you be so mad scared and fool Oh well it's that time now yeah it's the big one Oh chimpanzee that monkey news Ah you right it was this uh uh, monkey? This fella, right, who, uh, he had a problem with his eyes.

Right? Yeah. So, uh, he goes to the doctors, and he goes, uh, I've got problem with my eyes. And he goes, yeah, they're bad them, right? He goes, uh, it was in America, do you know, like, how you have to pay for medical stuff and all that? And the doctor said, oh, if I fix their, if it it, if it, if it's, if it's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, uh, thi, th. th, th, th, the, their, he was, he had, he had, he had their, he had their, he had their, he had their, he their, he their, he their, he their, he their, he their, he th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He th. He th. He's, th they, th th th they th they, thi, thi, that, that, that, thi, that, the the. He had the. He had the the the the the the the doctor said if I fix them it's going to be like 10 grand right it's like I don't got the money doctor he goes well I can't help you then you know there's a lot of people with bad eyes like them can't do anything for you so you know it's getting worse can't do anything so anyway so anyway so he goes home he's is looking in the the adverts at the the to to to to to to to to to the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I'm their. I I I's their. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the the the the the the the the the the try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try try try try try try try try and he sort of sees in the adverts at the back and there's a little advert there saying cheap doctors, right? No, but oh no. So he's thinking oh maybe that's maybe that's what I need right so he calls him up, woman's there she's like wait what can I do because I've got bad eyes and that she's oh come in tomorrow we'll sort tho' their their th I th I th I th so th so th I th I th so th I th so th I th th th th th th th th th th th tho' th tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' their that's that's tho' tho- no their their their their their their their no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th th th th th th that's that's that's that's that's that's toy. toy. theease. that's notoy. theat's notoy. there's notoy. there's there's there's there's there's there's there in tomorrow, we'll sort him out. She's like, brilliant, I'll see you then. So he goes down there and he says, right, you know, I can hardly see my eyes got in really bad state and what have you. You need to have them sorted out. I don't know what you do,

whatever you do, I need doing. His eyes are so bad. Can he see the doctor to you know have a word and tell them what problems she's like no I don't worry about that I'd be comfortable if it's a just just you know just let me inject you and we'll knock you out and we'll get on with it it it's like what can I just tell you some about chimps as well just before you know they don't they don't have opposable thumbs to use the the the th I their th I th I th I th I th I th no thus thus thus thus thum thumb thumb thumb thumb thumb thumb to to to to to to to to to to to to tho tho tho thumb thumbes thumb is tho tho tho to to to to to to to to to to to their their their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th is thumb thumb thumb thumb thumb thumb thumb thumb is thumb is thumbs thumbs thumbs thumbs to thumbs I thumbs I thumbs I thumbs I to to to to thumb is to to to to to to to to to thumbs I thumbs I thumb is th are opposable thumbs useful? Well to degrip something to do anything like you know even simple stuff like writing so let alone surgery so without an opposed... So if I was a doctor and I was doing any form of difficult surgery would I need opposable thumbs? You'd need opposable thumbs to be a doctor. And without opposed you couldn't do anything. Thanks for clearing that. Because it because the precision grip. So without that you couldn't do anything. I'm just glad they've got that cleared up thing. So anyway, so he's had the injection, he's

nodding off and what have you all right, his eyes are sort of closing and that, he has a door open, he's sort of just sees this little fella coming and he's like, hello doctor, he's trying to like it? So anyway, I thought, oh it's weird he didn't answer but you know doctors can be quite moody, you know, they're highly intelligent. They don't need. Especially little airy ones. Well just idle chit chat. Just, if I'm going in to have my eyes done, I want a little bit of idle chimp chat. So anyway, tie-a. their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thirty. thirty. thirty. thirty. thirty. thi. thirty. thirty. to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. So, th. th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. toe. they's, they're they're thee. the. the. So, the. the. So anyway, time passes, right? He sort of wakes up and he opens his eyes, right? And it's brilliant, he can't believe it. He can't believe it. He's had the op. He can't believe the site. He's like, nurse, right, and the nurse comes in, because I can't believe it. This is brilliant. I've never had this such good. Do I mean, even when I was a baby. Yeah, I didn't see when the eyes when the eyes, I was the eyes, I was their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I'm their their their. I'm their he a he a he's he's he's he's he a he a he's he's he's he's he. He's he. He's he. He can't believe. He can't believe he can't believe he can't believe he he. He he. He he. He he. He he. He he he. He he. He he. He he. He he. He he. He he. He can can can can can can can can can't he. He can can can can can't he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he's their th. He's th. He's he's their he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he. He's like, well, you know, that's... You realize the nurse is a panda?

That's what we do, right? So, uh, you said, right, so can I just see the doctor and just say thanks and that? She's like, well, to be honest, you know, he's specializing what he does. There's a lot of... There's a lot of, there's a lot of like operations he's got to do. So, you know, leave him to it, it's just having a kit, you know, I'll let him know that you were grateful, you know, pay us a check, off you go, go and enjoy looking at stuff. So he says, he said, no, I just, what's wrong with it. Just, leave it, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I, I, I, I, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, you know, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I't, you know, I want to thank him. So he's done such a good thing for me. So they're getting into a bit of an argument and what have you, and the voices are raising, right?

Door opens. I'm going to wake the doctor up. Well, that's what they did, they woke it up, right? They were the door. So the door, theymea, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the knocking about? So the woman said, but what do you mean? He's the doctor. Right? So he's like, you are having a laugh, aren't you? She goes, look, don't complain? Your eyes are sorted. You know, the doctor's done it. What's the problem? He said, well, if I'd know that, I want to come here. She said, well, what do you mean you didn't know that? She said the advert? the advert. the advert. What, thap advert? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to he he he, he, he, he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he is, so, so, so, so, so, he. He's, he. He is, he. He is, he. He is, he. He is, he. He is, he. He is, he. He is, he. He is, he. He. He is, he. He is, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, he. He's, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, he, so, so, so, he's he's he's he is like, he. He's he. like chimp doctors. That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. That really is the worst.

What? And he, so he, because his eyes were so bad, he thought he said cheap doctors. He saw the advert and it said, it said, he said, he said, he said, the the the their their eyes were bad, he just saw the advert. He just saw the journal is thi. It was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the bollocks. There's no way, there's, I mean, it's not even worth talking about. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. It's the most ridiculous monkey news you've ever heard and that's saying something. Chim chimp doctors. Cheap. It's easy mistake. It's easy mistake. Well that's the end of another podcast. That's week 11. We've got one more to go next week.

So go to Rickage of A's.com, see some of the things we've been talking about. Register so we can let you know what's happening when we're back. Who hosted this podcast? It was the great guys at Positive Internet who hosts the world's number one podcast, the Ricky Juvaiz, Stephen Merchant., and, and, and, who, and, and, and, who, and, and, who, and, and, who, and, and, and, who, and, who, and, who, who, and, and, who with me Ricky Javays, Stephen Merchant, bye-bye and Carl Pilkington. The Ricky Javey Show on Guardian Unlimited.