The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E12 (February 20, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited. Hi Ricky Javais here with me Stephen Murchin and Carl Pilkington. Welcome to the final episode in our series of 12 podcasts. I say final. It's final of 12, but we may be carrying on. Well, next week we're going to try and do another one to continue this for at least a little while. We may have to charge a small fee for it because it will cost us money and Carl is unemployed, but we mean a real tiny little fee. But hopefully we'll be back next week. Now we're not sure

where it'll be, it'll probably be on iTunes, but just go to Ricky Gervais.com and we'll guide you there. Hurrah! Yeah. And thanks for listening for this long and supporting us. I hope you continue to support us. Go on, continue to support us. Particularly, Carl, who who has no money whatsoever and is desperate, he's a desperate man. I don't th. And th. And th. And, and th. And, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, th. th. to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. And, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thr. thr. thr. thr. thr-i. thr-I. thr-I. thr-I. to to to to to th man. I just know we're out there going all that they're charging for it now, but you know, people forget we gave 12 for free. This is it, so quickly people forget. We're big shots. Yeah, well Carl's not, but you know we are, aren't we? Exactly. I mean, yeah. We're we're not mad and Carl needs a little bit of money. Look at him sitting there. Carl, you've had a good week? It's been all right, yeah. Brilliant. Well, more of that next week, but you'll have to pay for it now.

I'm surprised you're not buzzing because we just had our photograph taken to enter the Guinness book of records for the greatest downloaded podcast of all time. We went along to the Guardian and the press there and they took a little picture of his roundhead didn't they? Yeah, but I don't know why should I be excited about it when it's just... I mean you always want to be in the Guinness World of Records? Not really, no. I've got I've been looking at the, uh, they've presented us with the their this and I've th. th. th. thin, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I've, I've, I've th, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, but, but, but, I don't, I, I don't, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I, I, I don't, I, I, I've been looking through it and there's some fascinating ones I used to get this to get this that's what I'm saying though there's loads of things in there that I used to go to like I looked at it online the other day to see if you know what's on there you click on it the home page that you get when you click on Guinness Book of Gilles the the the their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their is is is is is is their their their is their is is is is their is is is is is to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is. is. is. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. their. their. their. their. their their their their. their their their is. It is. It is. It is. It Book of Records is about. Sorry, you're impressed with the bloke who just happens to have the most ear hair.

No, but it's commitment. He could have, he could have shaved it off, but he didn't, he left it. No, it's less commitment. But we, yeah, that just grew. We actually bothered to do a podcast. All right, so get that the one with the rings on the neck, so're stuck with that Ed and you have got in the book so be happy. Whatever is a stitcher? What if your end the roundest Ed? I'd be a bit annoyed. Why? Just because I don't, I mean have you got a choice. Say like the fella with, you know, the small man. Say if he's not happy about being small. He's try to go about his life. He knows people are their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho' thi. thi. thi. tho' tho' tho' their their their their their their their their their. What's their. What's their. What's their. their. What's a their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's toge. He's toge. Sidd. He's toge. He's toge. He's toge. Sidd. He's toge. He's toge. Sidd. He's tho. He's a tho. He's a th small. He's trying to go about his life. He knows people are looking at him pointing at him, he's tiny, but does he want to be in the book? Oh, I think, I think they've got to give their consent.

Have they? Because if the smallest wasn't willing to be in there, because if the smallest man, they're the second smallest man, he was willing to be in it. He's got you there Rick. I don't know if they do. I don't know if they go around. I think that you'd have to be complicit in it for them to measure your head and say this is the roundest head on the planet Earth. Not, you know what I mean? But then what do I do with that?est head and I think a lot of people know that because also I've noticed when people ask for a picture of you they don't say can I have a signed picture of Carl they say can I have a sign picture of Carl's head which is a weird thing to say about a human being isn't it? They go ah look at his head not look at his face or can I have a picture of him they say they have they they they they they they they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say they say can say can say can say can say can say can say can say can say can say can say can't have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have have head? Why are they allowed to mention that? And the thing is, like we're on some sort of broadcasting medium where you don't even see me head, so it's not important. Well I can't see your head because the mic's perfectly round and it obliterates it out

like an eclipse. But what I mean is it doesn't matter does it? For doing what orange. We'll be charging for more information like that from next week. We do of course Rick every week get thousands of emails I mean it's crazy it takes us ages to go through them and read them we are we are going through them we are reading them. Freddie Gerstrom from Winchester says of course it was recently Valentine's Day. What's the most romantic thing that you've th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. We'll the th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We'll th. We've th. We've th. We've th. We've th. We've the the the the the the the the the the the thou thou thee. We're thou' theou' theou' theou' theou' theou' theou' theou' theou-I' theou-I' the. are reading them. Freddie Gerstrom from Winchester says, of course it was recently Valentine's Day. What's the most romantic thing that you've done for Suzanne, Carl, that you can think of? I don't really do all that. Sure. The Valentine's Day stuff.

It's just, the problem is if you do it once, they expect it every year. Yeah, sure. it once they expect it every year. That's the problem with Christmas and stuff in it. It's like it's become that's what you do now every year. Every day yeah. So I prefer to just sort of wait, you know what I mean? And you know if I've think of an idea or I know of something that she wants I might get something but I might not do it on Valentine's Day. It's that I think I've said about pancake Tuesday. Make it pancake Wednesday. Have it when you want. Why am I waiting for someone to tell me when I can have a pancake? I'll have it today if I want one. Do you know what I mean? There's pancake Tuesday, no I won't bother. I'll have trifle. So it's the same,

same with this, you know, with Suzanne. Luckily, I mean Valentine's Day and what have you? She was ill. Luckily. So we'd the the same, so I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to say, why I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. Why I to. Why to. Why to. Why to. Why to. Why to. Why to to. Why to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the told. I to say. I to to to to to ill. Luckily. So we didn't have to go out. So I'd say, is he asking for advice? Well, I suppose, yeah, certainly he may as well give it. Treat and when they deserve it. That's all right. I remember once when Suzanne was ill, she had a fever, but there was no food in the house. What did you suggest to her? She was too ill to cook. Well it was when we're still living in Manchester and that and you know we need to get some

food in for tea and stuff and I said come on come to the supermarket she was like no I'm ill you go and I ate buying food I'd just sort of get a bit blank when I'm looking there's too much that's the problem you go down all these aisles and it's just too.... the the the the the. the the. I I I I I I I's just too. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. I's they. I was just th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is. I'm there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is there's is. I I I there's is. I's is. I's is. I's is. I's th. I's th. I'm th. I'm the the the th. I'm the the the th. I'm the the to to to to to to to to th. I'm to th. I'm th. I'm th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I's too much, isn't the problem. You go down all these aisles and it's just too much. So anyway, I said, no, come on, come with me. She was like, oh, but I've got this fever, I'm out and everything. So I said, well, come to the supermarket, you go on the frozen hile, cool yourself down. And she did, I've never, I've never worked like that. It's always been like a friend of a friend and all that and just happened to meet them. And then, you know, you have a chat and then... How did you meet Suzanne? That was when I was working with her.

And she gave me 20 P for the hot chocolate machine. She never asked for it back. I thought she's alright. I've been there for 11 years so it works. Have you never given you that 20 P back? I never asked for it back. Did you return the favour perhaps on the next date? You buy her a kick out or something? No I don't think I did. I think I think word got out that um she liked me and that. And um... What did I do? I think I the the the th, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I th, I th, I th, I th th, I th th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, so, so, I've, so, so th, so th, so th, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, I've th, so, so, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th, I've th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the that, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've that, I've tho-e-a' tho' tho' that, so that, so that, so that, so th word got out that she liked me and that and what did I do? I think I did some work for her, did some editing for her, sort of show off my skills and that. And she was like, oh you're good at this aren't you?

I was like, yeah. And I think she got us another drink because I was doing that editing for her in my own time. So you're up on the deal, aren't you? So you're up. You're up on the deal, aren't you? Because I know now I'm for a fact that you've not spent any money on her in 11 years, so you are you're 40 P up. At least. Lawrence from New York says, I was wondering how Mr. K. Dilkington would interpret this famous saying of philosopher Ludwig Wienstein. The quote is, if a lion could talk we could not understand him. Even if he's English. Yeah if he... yeah if a lion could speak English so there's no language barrier he's speaking English words and using all the correct grammar and everything but you wouldn't be able to understand what he was saying. Why? Because it is from a different world, his frames

of reference would be so bizarre that you wouldn't be able to get a grasp on what he was talking about because you'd have so little in common even if he used real words. No, but he's talking English. Yeah, no, but his reference points would be just so far removed. You know, they're removed slightly when, uh, if you saw two people talking about Kirkegaard, you'd... You'd... I won't understand it. Exactly. So remove that a billion times to a different species with different input.

No, but it depends. If I'm talking to a lion in London zoo, yeah. He'll be saying, oh, I'm fed up with their stuck in here. It's like that... It depends what its background is. I mean, there's some people who might might might that tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thu thi thi thi to to to to to to to to to to to told told to to to to to to tho thi thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi thi thi thi thi. th. th. th. th. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. tip. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. ti. mean there's some people who might have lived down the road from me But have a totally different life. Absolutely So it doesn't matter that it's a lion Does it? Well, yeah, because they're just trying to remove it even more so so now it's not just a bloke? Now it's not even a bloke now. Yeah, but I'd pick something smaller or something, you know, a worm without a mouth, they'd go definitely not. What?

Definitely not a lot. I wouldn't be having a chat with it. I just, I just think that a worm that's, that's underground, what's it's got to offer me? Yeah. It's not going to be a good day out with it, is what I'm saying. It's not going to have that much to say to me, even if it's English. Even if it's English. And how can you tell if a worm is English? Is it where a very tiny bowl of hats? Oh, Christ. But do you understand...

What about a jellyfish? No, you see, I think that's where you can say you wouldn't be able to have a to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to have a to be able to be able to be able to say you to say you to say you to to to to to to to to to to to to to say you to say you to say you to say you to say you wouldn't to say you wouldn't to say you wouldn't to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have a to have a to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to have a good to me the sea might as well be another world. Yeah, right? Yeah. In a way I think the fish sort of have more rights than us. What do you mean? Just because when whoever made the world, right, say you know we're just big enough God, but if it was was to have a go at him, I'd say you added too much water. Criticism won to God, right? So, how would you have changed that? Just more land. Fair enough.

Now why have fish got more rights than us? Because, because, there's loads of them. And when you look at the amount of sea, right, there's loads of that, you're only after like, you know, I was in Malaga the week, right? And you know, you look in the sea, there's loads of different fish, and that's just in like eight foot water. If you go miles out, there's like all sorts of weird fish, they're like lights on them and everything. So, and it's just millions of different types. Yeah. Now... But why does that mean they've got more rights than us? Just because I think, you know, rights come in in numbers, don't they?

If you know what I mean? Like if there's one of you shouting, people go, oh he's an idiot, shut up, whatever. If there's loads of you shouting, they go best listen to them, they mean about fish. Yeah. There's loads of fish. Right. So... But they're not really making their voices heard, though, are they, kind? I know, because they're underwater. But what I mean is, I don't know what I mean. Ha ha ha ha ha!

The Ricky Javais Show Show on Guardian Unlimited. Ooh, pleased to meet you to start me up. I'm here to tell you all about Channel 4 Friday Night Comedy. So start me up. Now then, there's three great new comedies from New Green Wing. That's nearly ready. My name is Earl and the It Crowd, the great new comedy from the creator of Father Ted. Oh! Friday night comedy, this Friday on Channel 4,

switch me in. It's going to be a winner. Carl, right? What do you think it's like being a crab? If you could go now, your mind into a crab, what would you see, where would you be doing, what would you be thinking? What would you think of all the other things, the crabs you'd see, the squids you'd see? What's it like, do you think? What's it like creative writing? Just think, just just let yourself go. Come on. It's got to be a crab? What, what, what, what, the s. What, the s. What, the s. What, the s. What, the s. the s. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th, th, th. th. th, th. th. th. th. th, th, th. th. th. th. th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi like creative writing, just think, just let yourself go. Come on. It's got to be a crab. What do you think of a slug? What do you think of a slug? What would you do if you're, if you're transported now into a slug, what would you do? And Suzanne, you're suddenly in the kitchen but you're a slug I just chuck myself into the salt pot. No, because what do you do? I'd hate that. That would be horrible that. Oh God. Have you ever read Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis in which a man wakes up and he's turned into a giant beetle? And that's the, that's the whole story.

I think it might be of interest to you? So what happened turned into a giant beetle and that's the whole story. I think it might be of interest to you. So what happened to him with a beetle? Well I don't want to ruin it for you in case you read it, but it's... no, I won't be reading it, don't worry. He joined a pop group with three other people. He was brilliant. No it's a really wonderful book. then to relate to other people even though he still has the consciousness of a human. You know his parents, his rest of his family, they don't know how to deal with him, you

know, because he's a giant beetle. He becomes a freak, he becomes an outsider. It's a terrible, you know. But hang on though, is he a giant beetle? Yeah. Well yeah, well that's not going to go down well, that course, get in with the other beetles, don't you? Whereas if you're a giant... How would you ingratiate yourself?

How would you ingratiate yourself? Right, so you're suddenly a beetle, you're Carl Pilkington, right? There's other people, they're doing their business, that I'd wait until they're out and about and I'd like like in life right sort of help them out I don't know what Beatles do all day I've never seen one doing anything they just seem to be going from one place to another right I've never seen carrying anything I don't know what they eat I don't know why we've got them right but what I mean I mean i I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I mean I the the their I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'd they'd they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their to their their their they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they do. I don't know why we've got them, right? But what I mean is, I'd watch them and I'd sort of help him out. And I mean, you know, it's like going on a date or meeting a woman, isn't it? But what if you, there is a reason? What do you mean? How is it like going on a date with a woman? Well it's like, their hot chocolate. She bought me that and I know it, she's living with me. So you're true. So you're, you're, you're, who are these, those beetles, they're scrubbing around, right?

You're sort of like watching them and there's, and then you realize that you want a mate with this female beetle. What do you do? What do you do? What do you do? What did they get on? It's a different world. I don't know yet, do her? Because they haven't done it. Would you feel bad, because having your own mind in this beetle, right? Would you feel bad shagging a beetle? Would you feel that that was a bit sick because you've got a human mind? Well no, can you just close your eyes and that, aren't you? Pretend to think of something thua thua thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' tho tho tho tho thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. th. thin' th. thin' their their their their their their thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thu? thu. the. the. the. the. the. the. thea'n'n'n'n'n'n't thea'n't theat'n't the? the? to pretend to think of something else. So get round it that way.

There's no point getting down about it because I'm stuck now as a beetle. So you've got to get on with it. But if you're a slug, you said you'd throw yourself in the salt pot. What do you do for your beetle if you got depressed? And you see all the other humans. You see your mates, right? They're listening. their. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. The. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, th. they're, they're, they're, th. th. th. the. th. tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'. I'. I'. I'. I'. to. to. to. to. to. the. to. thea. thea. th thea. th thea. th thea. th thoooooooo beetles are different because they do tend to hang about with each other. A slug's always on its own. It's a lonely insect, isn't it?

It's not an insect. All right, they're lonely. I've never seen a load of snails altogether or slugs wandering about, there's beetles seem to knock about in crowds. Yeah. So, oh God, okay, right, another one. So they're associable creatures and it wouldn't bother you that you've got the mind of Carl Pocenton in there? Because you can't communicate with these people because they don't speak English, they don't have any communication with you. Yeah, but if it's

happened to me, there'll be another one in there. Okay then, right. What would you do right? That's such a disgusting thing. What would you do right if you were suddenly a fly, right, and you were knocking around with the flies, right? And you had to land on some experiment? Yeah. What would you do? Yeah, but I don't have to. What do you mean? You're a fly? Yeah, but I wouldn't, no, I wouldn't be loving it there, would I?

Why? Because I'm me and that fly's head. So I just, I don't think other flies would be going, come on, join in. I'd just be like, no, I'll wait, watch and that. Because I don't, I don't see why they they, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, they, the, the, the, th, th, the, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. Why, th. Why, th, th, tho, th. Because, th, th, th, th, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, and, and, th, and, and, and, and, and, th, and, the, and, th, th, th, th. Because, th. Because, th. Because, th. Why, thee, tho. Why, tho. Why, tho. Why, tho. Why, tho. Why, tho. Why, thee, thee, thee, your mind in like an unhatched egg of something, like maybe one of those, like a little wasps injected in a spider. So you know you're in an egg, right, which is really uncomfortable, in a spider. How would you feel about that, Carl? You're a baby wasp in the abdomen of a spider.

And I know everything that I know now. I'm sat in there. Yeah. And now I'm in a spider as an unborn wasp. What the fuck am I doing here? What's going on? I don't know what I'd do there. Uh... What'll they try and sleep?

There's nothing else to do though, is they? I just pray to God it never happens. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. I don't believe it! He's written it down! Well, that's the jingle that signals it's time for more extracts from Carl's diary and we'll lunge straight into it. Wander down Carnary Street there was a happy homeless fella I gave him 1 pound 50 I thought of a tongue twister after giving him the money it goes if you can't treat a cheerful tramp what sort of tramp can you treat? It goes if you can't treat a cheerful tramp what true true true true true tha true tha tha true tha tra tra tra tra tra tra tramp tra tramp tra tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp tramp that that th that that that that that that tra tra tra that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thau. thau. thau. thau. thau. thau-I tra. tra. thau-I tr-I tr-I tr-I thau-I thau- you treat? It's good that. All right. Say it fast. If you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what sort of tramp can you treat? Good, isn't it? Good that, yeah. You've got too much time on your hands, Carl. Learned some famous quotes to see if they are as good as my sayings. Number one, treat every day as if it's your last. Very famous. Very famous. Now is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is that, is thi. that, is that, is their. their. th. their. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tha. tha. tha. tha. try. their, their, their, their. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. try. tha. tha. tha. thau. thau. thau. try. thau. thau. try, tha. try. that one is that if it was your last you wouldn't want

to be doing much. That's the only problem I've got with that. I wouldn't want to go to a fairground or whatever because you're going to ask me last day, what am I going to do? And I think you'd spend so much time worrying about what you're going to do that you'd end up staying in. I think you're right the the the the the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi the. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. I'll thinin' thin' thinn't the only only their their their the only only only only only theananananananuuia'eou. I theananananuuia' thea' thea' the an that's end up staying in. I think you're right, you've taken some of the poetry out of it. I think it means live life to the fullest. I like the fact that you were amusing on the idea that if it was your last day you'd go to the fair. It's getting such a 19th century way of spending

your final day. Well, the thing is, the other thing is that the only thing that people get depressed about in terms of sort of like, you know, life and death is not the knowledge that they're going to die, but more the knowledge that they know they're going to die when they're dying. If someone told you, no one ever knows when they're going to die, No one ever gets an illness, no one ever gets hit by a truck. Everyone passes away peacefully in their sleep, dreaming they're riding a big marshmallow, right? Then you wouldn't care about anything. It wouldn't matter if you died tomorrow or in 30 years time. You'd just live life to the fall. You'd come, every day would be great. You'd go out, you'd come back, you'd fall asleep. That would be amazing. There'd be no stress. There'd be no angsty, aren't we're all going to die stress. Because

it wouldn't matter, because it would just be your life. Wouldn't it be amazing if someone guaranteed you, Carl, you're going to die in your sleep if we get a dreadful illness? What if we you know... But we're almost not letting people die naturally anymore now because we're always bodging stuff up. What do you mean? Well someone who might naturally die in the sleep aren't allowed to naturally die in the sleep because they wake them up with those electric things and get them going again and pop in a new lung or whatever whilst they're at it. That's what I'm saying. They don't just, you never hear it anymore, do you? Frank peacefully died in his sleep. No, he died on the operating

table whilst we're putting in a new lung. They never, they don't die naturally anymore. Frank died peacefully with 40,000 volts going through them and a couple people going Claire! Zook! Clare! Rushing about today, got to get a lot done as I'm flying to Malaga tomorrow to see my mom and dad. They're like flying.

I'd be happy if they give you a parachute instead of a life jacket. They say Da Vinci invented the parachute, the helicopter. He never got around to making them though because he only drew them on some paper. Got up at 5 a.m. as I had to get to Heathrow to get on the plane to see mom and dad in Malaga, went out for a drink with a cousin who lives in Spain ain't seen her for 27 years. Oh that must have been tricky in making conversation. I didn't really bother. Because where do you start to go up to the their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I. I their. I their. I. I. I. I to go. I to go. I to to to to to to to to to to their. I m. I m. I m. I m. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get. to get. to get. M. M. M. I to get. M. M. M. I. I. M. I. I. M. I to the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the the. the the the the. the to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. in the street and start having a chat. You have to go further back then, did you want Chantow to win Big Brother? My dad and me talked about history. I said we shouldn't go on about things that happened ages ago because I bet something similar has happened more recently. Brilliant.

Read about an island in the Indian Ocean where there are tribes their men, tribe men tried to land and the tribesmen chucked spears at them. This is what I meant about not having to talk about things that happened ages ago. We have got new cavemen now, so why do we talk about the old ones? People could have lived before, but computers and all that blew up and books got burnt, so all they had left was what these tribes were left. Ramblings of a maniac. I mean, they few hours before you go crazy with a gun in there. No, but what I mean there is, right, say if all this has happened before, right, podcasting has been happening years ago, something happens. Again, a lot of information from the planet of the apes. Something happens. World ends, right? We come back again somehow. Yeah. It's the detail you leave out that makes

you intriguing. Just like the watch that you can wear that tells you when you're going to die. How does it work? Pop it on your wrist. That's all the detail you need. So the world happened, we came back, we, I don't. Have you seen the pictures? Forget it then if you don't get it. It's interesting that you had all those profound thoughts about this period in the past when they all lived, but you've still found it appropriate to include at the end of that. It says the tribesmen waved their knobs about when they've had enough of having visitors. That's what's what it said in the paper, that's what happens. What paper paper is they they you're reading? It was in like a paper a couple of days ago. It said, they don't mind having visitors if they're bringing them coconuts and stuff that they can eat. Once we've got everything they need, you start waving the tackle

about and that means like, right, leave now. Which you would, wouldn't you? Yeah, at a dinner party. My grandfather's did it. my grandfather used to do that. My name is Earl and the It Crowd. Uh-uh! The great new comedy from the creator of Father Ted. And what have we here? Jingle, jangle, jangle, jangle, as it happens. Friday night comedy, this Friday on Channel 4, switch it on, now, then, well, now, now, now, young man. Uh-uh, well now, now, then, well, now, now, then, well, now, young man, then, young, young man, young man, young man, young man, young man. . Oh, tipatsy that!

That jingle! That jingle! That jinglis! That's giggling the week. Well, this is the final monkey news, right? I'm not doing this anymore. Right? Because we've covered it all. All the monkey news has been covered?

It has. We've done loads of them. I think all the news that needs to be sort of known, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, to, to, to, the, to, to, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the news that needs to be sort of known has been told, right? That is the end of the news. Jesus Christ. What? Get on with it. Right, do you know in the first podcast that we did, we chatted about the monkey that went into space and stuff. So where we left, so haven't even got a real new monkey news? Well it's an update, isn't it? I mean, all... Is it new? As it happened recent, as it happened since podcast one?

I have to pick Ricky up on the point that he thinks any of the monkey news we've heard. A, happened and B happened recently. It almost always happened in olden times or ages ago. Oh, you're right, it never happened. Right, anyway, so like I say, the first monkey was about this monkey that went into space. This was the one that was fed by bananas that came out of a little shoot on the spacecraft. Yeah, it went, it went up there, did a really good job. It was taught out to press the buttons, hit the left button for a banana, you? Not more banana. You haven't taken off yet? More banana. Oh, we shouldn't give him a choice of banana or a change history. We should have the right button. We should have fed him before he went and only had a right button. He's just eating bananas. He's just eating bananas. What's going on? It's just eating bananas. He's just eating bananas.! Press the right button and do some of that!

Oh, he hit the left button again the little fucker! So anyway, yeah, I told you, he went up there, he came back, he could never get that high again. You know what I mean? He tried other things. I think he tried that were signed up to this NASA program. And it was 1961 when this little monkey called Ham, that was his name, so a bit of an update. That's the same one as I talked about, his name was Am. As well as him, there was one called Enos. He went around the world loads of times. So anyway, what I found out about it since then, Am went up there, did the left-right business with the

bananas, Enos, they didn't put as much work into the trip when he went up there, and something went wrong with the machinery. And do you know how you get a banana for the left button? And all that? It's official now. There's two buttons in this spaceship, banana dispenser and everything else. The right button is everything else. But it worked the other way. The machinery went weird. Oh no, really? So it meant that the right button would give him a banana. Right. The left button did everything else. Oh no. So what had been thought this is the problem with electronics, isn't it? Well no, thought, this is the problem with electronics, isn't it? Well no, I can know this is the problem. But the good thing, I mean honestly look it up

if you want, this is all online. So what happened when it all went haywire? What occurred? Look at all, Carl, this is online and it's bollucks. Luckily, Enos, because he'd done a few trips. So he was like, well I know this isn't right. As much as I love bananas, this isn't right. So anyway, so he came back, they were all like over the moon with him. He said I can't work with these conditions. Good mission and everything, well done and working it out. He sorted all that out. It moved on a few years. Armstrong has gone up there, Buzz and that other fellow, they've been up there that the monkeys aren't needed anymore. But they were like, we've got all these monkeys who have done NASA training, what we're going to do with them all? And they had to raise 14 million pounds to make them like a, like an old chimped home for retired, Chimpernots. Chimpernots. Something they've they've thike they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got they've got th, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've they've tho' tho' that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like for retired Aspenants. Retired NASA trained monkeys.

Chimpernots. Something they've got in there is like a little museum, right, of all the missions and that they've been on. So they can sort of, even though they're not going to be going into space again, they can almost relive it and reminisce of the times that they've had. They're reminiscing with each other are they? Just sort of going out, remember that time when it all went wrong, the button became the left when it's shown the right and all the rest of it. They're just, you know, sort of talking about old times and what have you like, old people like to do? Sure. And yeah, that's it. So if you want to like give some money to their own, you can theymps. You can't go go go their to go their to go their their their their their. their. their. their. You can go. You can go. You can go. You can just, their. They's just just just just just, their. They're just, their. They're just just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They. They. They. They. They. They. They just, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. They. They. They. They. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just, their. They're just just just just, their. They're just just, their. They're just just, their. They're just just just, their. They're just just, their. They're just, their. They're just just, their. They're just,'ve given you. It's all there. You can... I'd be surprised if all the information you've given us is there.

It's all there. I'd be very surprised. It's all there, just retired, you know, monkeys and that, who have done the bit. Perhaps we should retire a monkey news to that seems place. That's what I mean? So, you know, I hope you've enjoyed the monkeys and that. That. That, that. That, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, I' thi, I've tho, I'll they. I'll tho, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd their, I'd be th. I'd be th. I'd be th. thoo. their, I'd be their, I'd be very. I'd be very their, I'd be very, I'd their,that was the last one. Look after the monkeys. Do your bit, because they've done their bit. That's it, yeah. But just because I'm not giving the news, look it up. Do you know what I mean? It's all out there. Don't be ignorant. Ha ha ha! Wise words. Thank you so much for listening to these 12 podcasts. I've really enjoyed it. I know Steve and Karl Love. This podcast was as usual hosted by positive internet, the world's number one podcast.

Next week, a brand new podcast. We have, as I say, we have got a charge a little bit for it because it does cost money to host. And please keep listening. It is going to be very little and, you know, Carl, Carl, needs your money. If you could see what I see now, he's just looking at me with this. He just needs stuff, don't you, Carl? What do you need? What do you need? Just something more than nothing. thoo. to the to tho. their thi. thi. thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to be. to be. to to to to to be to be to be to be thi. to be to be to be to be to be to be to be th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is their. It is to be th. It is to be th. It is th. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's toe. It's toe. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the the archive of the podcast, these last 12 shows, and for the new podcast to come, go to Ricky Joveys.com, you can register there, we'll send out loads of information, plus you'll just find out links to how to get all these stuff that we're offering out there.

There's also a free taster, if you just can't wait for more of Carl's nonsense. Make sure, please, that you register your email and everything so we can get in touch and just tell you what's going to happen with the Ricky Givay show, with Carl's mind and with everything else. Rikage of A's. Go there. Makes perfect sense. It's the end of an era, but the start of a new one. It's almost seamless, in a way, in it? The end, in the beginning. But, Carl, what's things thing thing thing thing, what's the the the the thing, what's the thing, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, what's the, the, the, the, the, the, the, with. the, with. the, with. the, with. the, with. the, with. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. With, with, with, with, with, with. With. With. With. With, th. With. With, is. With, is. It's, is. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, is. It's the. It's the the the the the the to. It's, is. It's, the to. It's, Rick. It's, the the the the the the the the the th.'ve got to have an end for a beginning, so it's just a bit odd that we've got an end and having a beginning. Cool, that's science for you. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Thank you.