The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E2 (December 12, 2005)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Hello, welcome to another podcast of the Ricky Jovey Show with me Ricky Javais, Steve Merchant, and of course Carl Pilkington. Rick, you'll be pleased to know we've already had some responses. You remember last week I mentioned that you can email us on podcast at Ricky Gervais.com if you've got anything for Carl or you or I. And Simon and Mark have already emailed us in this link to something that was on the BBC news website. I don't know if you're familiar with this but it's a remarkable story. Well I'll just give you the headline straight away and you can join your conclusion. Lyon mutilates 42 midgets in Cambodian ring fight. That's just the headline.

That's a hell of a headline. That makes me want to know more about the story. That's what a headline should do. I mean, I think we'd all read the news. We'd all take more interest in the news if they could open the BBC News at 6th every night. Lion mutilates 42 midgets in Cambodian ring fight. We definitely pay more attention. So this is the story, it's just extraordinary. Spectators cheered as the entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion.

Now I didn't even know there was a Cambodian Midget Fighting League. You're in Ignoramus. Everyone of course has heard of the CMFL, which is genuinely what it's known as. Now like you, I don't know who the Cambodian Midget Fighting League are normally fighting. I don't know what tournaments. I assume it's each other. Well, I assume each other. It's midget fighting then.

Yeah, well let me just give you more information and then we can dissect it afterwards. Tickets had been sold out three weeks before the much anticipated fight. The fight was organized when an angry fan contested Yang Shimoni, president of the CMFL, claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 fighters. So this bloke is going, go to the president and going, I reckon a lion could get all your midgett fighters. Yeah, he could destroy all of your 42 midget fighters. Now apparently Shimony, the president of the CMFL, he takes great pride in the league and he's conveyed in a recent advertising campaign that his midge will. thage that his th.. th. the th. I th. I the th. I th. I thine. I thine. I the thia. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I their their thighen, thigh. I thigh thigh thi the the the thi thi thin. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I'm going going going going going going going going going going going going going thin. I theananananananananananananananananananananan. I'm going going going going going going theananananan. I'm going take on anything, man, beast or a machine. Now I don't know what kind of machine, again midgets are fighting, a washing machine.

I don't know the midgets, all right keep it down. No, they will fight anything. We're fighting each other, we're sort of like equally matched. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'll fight another midget. I will fight any midget. When I said I'll take on anything, I meant another midget. Machines. So this bloke goes, I reckon the lion could take on your midget. He goes rubbish. Yes. And that is why an African lion was shipped a Coliseum, Rick, which is already brilliant. So hold on, this is sanctioned by the city?

The Cambodian government allowed the fight to take place under the condition that they receive a 50% commission on each ticket sold and that no cameras will be allowed in the arena. Well, we'll take 50% but you know, into a spectacle. Yeah, no, no. It's just lion versus midget, but you know, well 42. Never forget there was 42 midgets. Now this is, this is the tragedy element and this is why we shouldn't be laughing because the fight was ended. Don't tell me the lion gets hit. Well, the fightget fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken bones, lost limbs, and they were basically unable to fight him. It would have seemed that the lion was okay.

Oh, good. Because the lion had no choice in this. No. See, that's the, I love it when a human takes on a beast and comes unstuck. Because that lion was scared and defending itself. Those little midgets were loving it. They wanted to go in there. What do you mean they were loving it? You don't know that? Well why would they do it? Well why would you see I don't know the internet to this? I wonder if they were fighting against their will. I got the horrible feeling because with all due to respect to any midgets listening they must be fairly easy to to to to to to to to to you should only need some regular full-size people and it'd be easy to grab some midgets and

take them away. No, whisk him away, put them in a cage. No, because they don't, no, no, no, because they don't. Because a they don't, because a lot of shoulders and wear a long coat. today, they're, to join the Cambodian Midget Fighting League? But midgets who want a bit of action, who want to fight other midgets? They're allowed, they want to fight. They can't get in real boxing matches because the fellows are too big for them. But they can go, well I tell you what, let's have our own little fighting league, right? But if I was on taken Panto in Grimsby. I can't believe that. I can't believe it. But hold on though. They're make up the numbers with a couple of dwarfs there. Is they all really midgets or are they lumping in dwarves with them? It's not specified Rick but. But that annoys me when people say I look at these midgets and I they. T they. They. They. They. They. They. Theau. Theau. The. The. The. I. I. I they. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'll. I'll. I'll. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I th. Don't. Don't. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thought. I thought. I th. I! Well that's amazing. Carl what are your thoughts instantly? I mean you're going to have a take on that. Whose side am I meant to be

on there? What? Well I'd be on the lion's side. I'd never go to a ball fight but I love it when I see a matter dog gored to death because again the ball the ball doesn't want to get in that ring and fight a bloc with swords okay so so so so so so so so so so so I so I so I so I so I so I so I so I so I so I so I so I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the is thi theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the. the. the. Okay? So I love it. I think it's disgusting. And when someone says a midget versus lion, I'm thinking, well, it's okay if the lion wins, to be honest, because they haven't got a choice. So, and I hate it when people go, I went to a ball fight when I was in Spain, but it's the tradition, isn't it? Oh, well, there's loads of the toditions... the the the the the the the the toditions.. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Taditions. Ted th traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditions traditionsitions thii. thi traditionsitions thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their thi. their their their their their thi. their thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. toda. toda. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. I th anymore. So I'm glad, you know, I say it shouldn't have happened of course, but if it happens, I'm glad the lion isn't hurt. See, what's annoying me is I've sent money to Cambodia because apparently they're hungry and haven't got any energy. So what's going on? Well, it's much easier to fill up a midget than it is a regular Cambodian.

You know, I just feel like I'm being cheated a bit. You were conned before the the the the tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thathea. I thathea. I'm thathing. I'm thi, thathea' thathing. I'm tho-a' tho-a' tho-a' thiol-n'er. I'm thiol-n'er. I'm thiol-n'er. I'm thia thia thia thia thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi thi-n't thi-n't thi-n't thi-n't thi-n't thi-n't thanananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananan're... I just feel like I'm being cheated a bit. You were conned before with a charity, weren't you? Well, a few times, yeah. What about the old lady? What was that? I got stopped and it's like, they sort of drag you in by saying have you got a grant? And I said, no, they died and that. It's like, oh, did they die in the cold, right? So I was like, oh that's bad, isn't it? Anyway, so she's like, oh yeah, and she's showing me pictures of these old women who look cold, right?

Saying look at her, that from Edna well it's not from it it's typed up and what have you but but there's a picture of Edna right and it's saying oh this December you know Edna's gonna be extra cold it's cold it's cold outside she can't afford to pay the heat and what have you keep going right so you keep paying every month five pounds whatever get another letter a few months later right Edna sat there it's got a tan what do you mean she's got a tie well when they said you know she's cold I thought they meant for the heating not to send on holiday for a month

she sat there with a tan i'm not joking are you sure it wasn't just a. Sure it wasn't liver failure. This is terrible thing to say but when I see those people approaching now with the clipboards on the street I always get my mobile phone out and pretend I have a conversation. The number of fake conversations I've had walking past them now. Well I felt sorry for them, I've got about 10 standing orders where I've got sorry from a court. I've got a to be sorry from a court right and I thought I I I I I they I they I they I they I they I they I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're I they they're I they they they they they're I they they they're they they're always always I always I always always always always I they're I they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they are they're they're they're they're they're always always always always always always always always they're they're they're they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing they're doing I they're they're they're they're they're doing out they're on about eight quid an hour. Are they? Yeah. They're not doing it out of the kindest of their hearts. Well I don't want to lie. I think they were volunteers. I thought they were volunteers. I thought that was at least why I should feel guilty. If they're getting paid to do it. I think they do. What? I've heard they're fleeting us twice. You know, I heard something, Carl thinks, are you, you think they're not my, I don't know anything but anything that will allow me to not feel guilty. But let's find out,

because you know, I don't want to, I don't want to slag them off because they're obviously doing a good thing. This is an educational show. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'll, you. I'll, you. I'll, you. I'll, you. I'll, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you they, you they, you they're, you they're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. I, you. I. I. I don't. I don't. they. they. they're not. they're not. th. th. th. th. they're not, you know, you know, I don't. th. I don't know, th. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, you know, you know, you know, you're But don't you think, right, if you had a company, it's worth taking them on? Because they never have a lie in. Brilliant. I'm finding it quite exhausting now because a lot of the homeless I've encountered recently, they don't even now, they're not even after my money. They're just looking for a conversation. While I was walking along the day, and I don't th, the the the they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they were they were they were they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they, they, they're they, they, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're taken... taken. taken. taken took, tea.c.ed. tea.ed. tea. tea. tea. tea, they're they're they're they're they're you're supposed to say to this. We're both walking, happened to be both passing a Chinese restaurant. He glanced in, he looked, he looked back around in me, he went, a woman in there with three mobile phones, three mobile phones. thrown, why does she need walking past me she went do you want to

come to my church I went no I don't believe in God oh 20 minutes conversation 20 minutes it was unbelievable I got some point where I was so angry with it I was shouting out from across the other side of the room I was the one who sounded like bad to avoid people like that? Do you know what I mean? Because some people say you shouldn't, you know, that they're people, they're people like us, who just had a bit of bad look and like that. Of course they are.

Yeah, I know, but I remember one on our estate, right? And she was a bit, what's the word, what's the word, what's the word, th............. What's, what's, what, what's, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the word, what, what, what, what, what, what, the word, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the, the, the, the, because, because, the, because, because, the, because, the, because, the, their, because, their, because, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their....... the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their... their. their. their. their. their. their. their. they. they. they. they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, because, they're, they're, they're, because, that a term? That's the official term. I think that is the official term. It's mental homeless ITIS. Right, so she lived on the estate and what have you? And she aged free. How was she homeless if she lived on the estate? Well, she sort of decided to stay around there because I think people on the estate spoke to her more than people who had money. Do you know what I mean? Really? I was to to to, why would she choose an estate to not to live in as opposed to like a walled sort of lovely community? Yeah. Why not go to St John's Wood or? Yeah, well I'd hang around it maybe say the maze in Hampton Court. Yeah, exactly. No one's expecting to see a homeless person as they're trying to find their way around. Imagine the that. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they's, they's, they're to they're to to they're they're to they're they's, why they's, why they's, why they's, why they's, why they're they're they're they're they're they're they're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to they're, they're, they're, they're, th. th. they're, they're, they're, tho. Why, they're, their, their, why their, why not, why not, why not, why not, why not, why not, why not, why not, why not, why don't they're their the find their way around that. Imagine the cash you'd make during the summer. The rich sort of Victorians used to keep sort of homeless in there as a little folly and they used to pay them at the end if they stayed there for like three years.

What, what do you mean? What do you mean? It was fashionable, like, that's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, like, like, like, the, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th.. th. th. th. tho. tho. their, tho. their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, their, they have to do anything for the money? Run, dance, fight tigers. No, they just had to be there when they brought around they go, look, that's our, that's our little catweasel fella living in our folly. And then they got money, you know, at the end of it. There's just like really rich, sort of Victorians and stuff. That's a great idea. give a lot more to shelter and those kind of charities if I could have a homest guy and do my bidding I can make him dance. And they had really long beard and rags. Exactly yeah and they could I could just make them do dances for me or you know and it was somewhat magical possibly that were going

to riddle me do what is my name and who are you yeah and then yeah yeah so this mental illness woman if anyone's listening yeah and what she on the estate. And what she used to do, right? She acted quite normal, and she used to always push like a pram around with her, right? Everyone's like, she can't have a kid, can she? And she was dead happy every day, she was up and down, walking up and down the road. Anyway, one day she's got a walk past, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the the the the the the the the th, th, th, thu, thu, th, th, she's thus, thus, thus, thus, she? Turn round and looked in the pram. There's a bucket with a face on it.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! The Ricky DeVay Show on Guardian Unlimited. Rick, we've had an email here from a bloke. I think you're going to respect him because I think you can tell straight away from his name that he's the kind of guy you'd want to hang out with. Go on. I know how much you love fun people. Yeah. Well Paul and he's calling himself this, Paul the Party Animal Parker, is he mailed in? He's given himself that moniker. Right I assume they're in sort of like quote marks, yeah. And he's calling himself that. I can't wait a thin'. the the, the the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. he. he. he. he. he. he's thin' he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's he's calling. He's called. He's called. He's he's he. He's he. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He. He. He's. He. He. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's th. He's th. He's called. He's calling. He's calling. He's calling. He's calling. He's called. He's called. He's called. He's called. He's called. He's called. He's called. He's called. He's called. He he's calling himself that. Yeah. I can't wait. So when you picture him, what are you thinking? Millhouse.

Right, okay. I think he looks like Millhouse from the Simpsons. Yeah. I'm, I'm working in sort of an IT department maybe? Yeah, possibly. I think he might still be at school. Okay, right. Yeah. Yeah, I think. And this is the vital question. Do you believe him to be a party animal? I believe him to be a party animal is as much as a man with a long scarf that is mum-knitted him to look like a Doctor Who can be a party animal, yes. Do you think that when people are organising parties at his school, they're thinking the first person they got you on the list and make sure he's guaranteed a guest. You've got to the party. You've got to take to take to take to take to take to pull to pull to pull to pull to pull to pull to pull. He's poor poor poor poor. He's poor. He's poor. He's poor. He's to to to to to to to to their to to to to their to to their to look. He's got to look. He's a to look. He's a to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He's to look. He. He. He's to look. He. He. He's to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their that carries around a biscuit tin you know it's got the scarf he's the guy who only ever wears bowling shoes it's his thing he's a little bit cucky it's his thing but so thank you very much to do your contribution and it is fairly

interesting what he's sent in he's found this on the web I don't know why he's felt an affinity with this with this particular particular this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'm a thi. I'm a the. I'm the. I'm the the. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's the. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thin. It is is is thi. It is thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. theeeeeeeee. theee. the. He's this particular inventor but anyway there's a man a Serbian man who has invented a sex machine for women and he's appealing to Western women to test his device he's from a towning as I say in Serbia I guess that's right is that right well I don't know what does it say well it says a Serbian man is it called Serbia yeah yeah yeah what was all the Croatia Serbia thing well it doesn't matter now it doesn't that that that th th that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th tho tho th is tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they thus thus the the the the the the the is the is thee is thee is thee is thee is the is the is the is the is the was all the Croatia Serbia thing? Well it doesn't matter now, does it? Okay. It doesn't matter now. It does to them, otherwise they fought for nothing? What the hell do we know about world events? I mean, how long did that go on for? I don't know. If they're inventing new countries, they can't expect me to keep up with current trends, can't we? Anyway, this Serbian mann't th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. It's th. It's that. It's that. that. that. that. that. that. that. It's that. It's that. It's that, that, that, that,? Anyway, this Serbian man has invented a sex machine for women and he can't find any Serbian women to try it out, so he's looking now for Western women. He's

taken out a patent on the ultimate sex machine. It runs on a 390 volt electric engine, simulate sex and has a 7 and a half inch artificial penis. He said, my sex machine has an artificial penis that can make up to 180 moves in a minute. Now I don't even know what I mean. 180 moves? What, I mean, there's only really... In and out, it's largely the function. Unless I've been doing it for all these funnets. What he's done?

What he's done? He's put a dilder on a black and decker. of movement for about five seconds normally but this machine can do it for as long as the woman wants. But anyway so he's looking for a woman who will test this out but what I know as soon as I read this I was thinking it's just imagining they're going to thanks. I'm just imagining there's just thanks for coming in yeah okay so what's going to the penis is going to pop out from here and it's going to have sex with you. I'm going. I. I. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm going the the the the the to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand I'm going to stand. I'm going to to to to to to to to to to to to to to as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as soon as I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I'm I'm I'm I'm to to the to the the the to the to the the the the the to th to th to to th to try. to to to to te. to to to te. te. to to to to te. to to to to the a lot of dials and stuff, I don't want to bore you in. Well, why do you have to stand behind it? It's technical stuff, but I got only behind the machine. But there's no penis on the robot at the moment, it's just a hole? Don't worry, what happens is I'll switch the machine on, I'll go behind and the penis. So you're gonna, let's say, all right, so you're gonna go behind this robot, go behind the machine, and then a fleshy-looking penis is... That will appear

through the halve. When I switch the machine on. Okay, and that would be the real robot penis. But you won't see me for the duration of your sexual sensation. So you've, you've made this sort of like right of penis, it's really realistic. It's really, you. You. You. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a. th-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A. A-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-s. A-a-a-s. A-s. A-s. A-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s. th-s want to see yours. No no no there's absolutely not because I've not I've not come around in enough sex with a person. I know you come around to test a machine. Yeah and that is exactly what you're going to get. I know what you're going to get? I'm not a use of a mechanical. I know what is the idea that on the front maybe they've painted a picture of a robot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the robot. Yeah. the eyes of the painting they'll move and the real eyes will appear just staring out but I don't think I can have sex with this machine unless you're actually in the room so in case the case they go wrong no worry I'll be behind the machine it'll be safe not problem but so anyway so yeah pull the party animal park I send that in and knowing him they'll be plenty of their they they they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they'll their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their they. their they. their their their they. their their their their their they're their in future weeks. Carl, what do you think about that? Machines and that.

Well, they've always been sort of, I mean, to a lot of people, sex is important, you know what I mean? Not to you? What for you? What purpose? No, no. Because you don't want to have kids, so what purpose? You know? Something to do in their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to, to, their. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to, thi. So, thi. I, th. I, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. So, I, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, I. So, th. So, th. So, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. So, to. So, to. So, to. So, tha. So, tha. So, tha. So, their, their, th. So, to do in the evening when the tel is broke but but for years like if they found stuff haven't the machines from like Roman times that no machines in Roman times like that though the old sort of knob on a stick

machine thing what I loved I'm sorry but I watch team every week and Tony Robinson has never done an old knob on a stick I just think a Julius Ease is sitting down and go, okay, aqueduct we love that, thanks for that, straight roads, good idea we can see the enemy coming. What have you got there? Well, I've got you've asked. Plumpticus. What have you got here is a yoldy knob and I've put that on the end of a stick. Oh stick as malice, okay well don't

you are my new right and man as they say. Excellent. But they do do stuff like that. You've been in the London Museum and that and they've got sort of sex stuff from years ago they've got like these metal pants that they used to wear. What do you know that? Is that a chastity belt you mean they used to make the their their their they they they they they they they they they they they have they have their they have their they have their they have their their their their their their their their their th. they had their their their their their th. their their th. their their their their their their. their their. their. Well. their. their. their. Well. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. Are their. Are their their their their their th. Are th. Are th. Are th. Are th. Are th. Are th. Are th. Are th. I th. Are the. I th. Are th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. Are the. Are they are the. Are 't know that. Metal pants? Yeah, sort of metal. Is that a chastity belt, you mean? They used to make women wear them so that they can't. No, but they had them for blokes as well, though. Metal pants for blokes, why? So if he had a little, so if the, if he was away sexy metal pants. Well, I don't know what you mean. What do you talk about? Well, they'll have to look because they haven't got it in front of me.

It's just something I remember seeing, some sort of sexy metal pants that used to wear. But what are you saying? Because there was not British Museum. That was all you remember. You were looking at it. They always have to be ready. They to be ready. They to be ready. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They they they. They they. They they. They they. They they. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They to be. They they they they they they they they they have they have they have they have they have they have they have have have they have have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they have they they time. I love that. I love the idea that that's all you remember from the region. So Lancelot are you ready to face the black night? What do you think of these? What do you think of these? Well, I don't really care, just, you know.

I just want to look good on the battlefield. Well, they't know if I fight like that, I am. What about where you're... I'm going to wear nothing except these sexy metal pants. But you, what about your chest is exposed? No, it's a good chest, I'll be working out. Yeah, I know, but what I mean is you want to, you want to metal all over. I've actually been lifting up the round table every week. I just worked out, do that about four woman or could they have got a little gay feller in? I don't know. Let me just check.

It doesn't actually specify the small print here. I love that. Why do you want to see a little gay feller be... I don't want to see it. I'm just saying there sort of more... Carl? Why do you want to watch a gay man get buggered by a robot. I wasn't the one typing in gay machines on the internet finding stuff out about it. It's not a game machine! You just made it into a game machine? Yeah, he wanted to, he wanted to pleasure women with this machine. You're saying can I see a little gay fellow get a robotie cock up his ass. You're the one that's one that want to see gay men with metal stuff up their harness. What I'm saying are are are are are are are are are are are are are are are they are they are they are they are they are they're they're they're they're they're they're their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their. You. You. You. You're their their. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th. th th the the. the the the the the the the. the the saying is they're more up for a bit more experimentation than... What are you saying?

Why is that the case? Why did you say that? No, just, just, you know, butt plugs and that? I mean, what I'm saying is... What do you can't just say but plugs and they're just saying an it. What do you know about that plugs? Well, I don't know anything about them. I just remember seeing an advert for someone in a sex shop. What are you doing? What are you doing? No, I wasn't. I was just walking past a sex shop and that? And you know, you're walking past a sex shop? And there was a little sort of, one, it was open early, which I never understood right it was about eight o'clock in the morning right I was rushing out yeah who needs them now but I sort of I must get a bagel and some poppy's on the

way I walked past it and I had like a little post it note or postcard type thing and it was like popping now by an item chuck some free butt plugs. And I didn't know what they for, I didn't, I'd never heard of them before. But all I'm saying is I've since found out what they do do with them. And if they do do that with them, then give them a go on that. Ha ha ha! Ha! Ha!

. ... I had another email here, this is, they haven't given their name actually, but they, it's an interesting fact, I'm hoping it's true. America's first nudist organization apparently was founded in 1929 by three men. Now what intrigued me when I read that is the fact that is clearly three bloke just trying to meet some nude women. They're all 52 balding. Exactly. With little, uh of gold rimmed glasses.

Yeah. And they're just wandering around and it's all quite saggy down there and they're just knocking on doors and saying we're just set up an organization. It's periphery above board completely legitimate. It's a nudist. It's a nudist? You've got any women in there and it's all their female members in the moment. Got any women in there interested in you know volleyball or trampoline I can't be doing with it me you hate the nudists don't you I don't understand what what it's all about the end of the day and here's something right do you know like when you're a bloke nudist do you ever get any who just have like a small knob I don't understand the question what's your point well you know are there

any blokes who are knocking about it who just have a normal sized knob or maybe a bit small than they're normal. Who are happy wondering about showing off what they haven't got, if you know what I mean? I don't think nudists are just doing it because they're so proud of their knob. No, but there's got to be a little bit of that in it, isn't that in it, isn't that, isn't that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their knob. No but there's got to be a little bit of that in it, aren't they? Say like, you know, Jonathan Ross, right? He's nipped to see you know and again and what have you? He's what? He's sort of nipped in to see you know and again? He's always happy getting his knob because he's known to have this big knob, right? Why do you know? Why is he's known? Why is not? Why is he? Why, why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, he, he? he, he? he? he? he? he? He? He's? He's, he? He's, he? He's, he? He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He? He's? He? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's? He's, he's? He's? He's nn't? He's n- He's nip? He's nipped? He's nipped? He's niped? He's? He's? He's? He's always saying about, oh, you know, but you'd like this, wouldn't you? But that's like me, I'm known for being a great lover. I say it a lot, it's clearly not the case. What evidence have you got that he's got a big one? No, but the difference is he's happy to keep getting it out. It's different sort of me walking, oh, the other,

thrown, I've gotthe to the to tho' to tho' the other. seen him get out before? I thought well he did get it out but I wasn't I wasn't looking what do you mean you weren't looking how do you know it was out? Just because he sort of was moving it about and that and I could sort of see no I wasn't looking though it was that is that sort of thing where you can see something moving about but like I'm not looking at it what like an owl seeing a a mouse that like what I mean it doesn't that the the the the the the the he he he he he he he he he he he he he th is is I th is I th is like th is like th is like th is like th is th is like I that is to to to to th is th is th is th is that is like that is that is that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th is th is he he th is th is th is th is th is th is to th is to to to to to to to th is to to to that is that is that is that that that that that that that that the they they they thou they. the is thou the is the is to thou to to that the is that the is... So no let's get back to you remembering vividly Jonathan Noss's penis? No, I don't mean that. What I mean? But why were you looking at his penis? I wasn't looking though? Well it was clearly not meant to be looked at the touk to you know nudists they must be pretty confident in themselves to you know getting it out and I wasn't looking it's just I mean I looked once okay what was it like what sorry you looked at Jonathan's once no no I was looking at another one what I said no why are you looking at men's be this

natural it's natural it's natural that's what I'm saying what do you mean this is Carl takes a sneaky look at men's cocks dot com what I'm saying what I'm saying is what I'm saying no what I'm saying you're in a this this the the the the this the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the t. their is t. their is is their is the they. their is their is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is is the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the took is no no no no no no no no one I I took. took. took. took. I took. I took. took. took. I took. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was it's natural. What's this happening? You're in a show, you're in a gym? A lot of guys are getting changed and you're just checking it then. You're at your bedroom window with a pair of binoculars, and there was a little fellow across the road getting changed. I was at some night out once. So you were at a night, so you He wasn't gay in that, it was just a normal night, well you know some sort of party night out. These people come running on right? You got two women, you got two blokes.

Right. They whipped the knickers off. At the same time? Yeah all at the same time. Was it like a choreographed thing like, was it like a their, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like a the same, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was a the same, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was like, was a the the their, was a their, was a their, was a their, was a their, was a their, was a their, was a their, was a c. was a c. Was it, was a c. Was it, was it, was it, was it, was it was it was it, was it, was it was it was a the their, was it was a their, was it was a their, was a their, was a their, was like, was like, was aales? No, you know, like Cheryl Baker was in it. It was that thing where they sort of, you know, on Eurovision song contest. Making your mind up? When Bucks Fizz ripped off a larger skirt, conceding a smaller skirt, at no point did Bucks Fizz whip their knickers? When you said Cheryl Baker was in, I was thinking, what, didn't she used to host record breakers? I don't remember that on there, two time on BBC One. So that happened and all I'm saying is, right, before I had a look at the woman's bits, right, I just had a little cheeky glance at the fellas. Why? Why?

Why? Just checking it out. Just seeing is everything is everything normal down there? Why wouldn't your eyes drawn instantly to the ladies? the ladies? the ladies? the ladies, the ladies, the ladies, the ladies, the ladies, the ladies, to, to, to, their, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, to, their, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their sa, to me, to me, to say, to me, to me, a look at that all I'm saying. But I went to the guys first. I didn't know how long pants were going to be left off for. So you didn't want to miss your opportunity, you saw a window opportunity to seize some men's bits and you thought I better take it. Because this may never happen again. So what happened? So you're, there's two women and two men right. I don't their there's there's there's their there's there's there's their there's their there's their there's their. So there's there's. there's. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. So. their. their. their. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, there's. So, there's. So, there's. So. So. So. So. So. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's their. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. There's the. There's is where you're looking at anyone get their knickers and pants off. I don't know why you're looking at all. So you go, right, there's nickers and pants off. Let's check out the knob and testicles first. You're telling me you've never like, when you've been in a gym or anything, you've not

just sort of turned your head out of look and look at this question right. Have we ever been in a gym and just taken a sneaky glance at Amanda's genitals? Is that your question to us? Right, for me it's the same as when you see someone who's a bit odd, two heads or whatever. Well, I'll be honest, if I was in a gym and a bloat came in with two heads, I'd look. I'd try, I'd get a sneaky glance in the mirror, I'd go, sorry, but you'd look at his genitals or his two heads? His two heads? Or would you look at the heads and then think,

I wonder if he's got two cocks? I'd just to try and look, look, there, if I'll tell you the thing that always fixed, two heads walks in, I probably will check out the genitals as well just to make sure that he's got to do everything. Can I tell you the thing that always freaks me out? I do sometimes go to the gym and I live in North London and the thing that always freaks me out is if there's an elderly man, often quite short. And I don't say this, only so you can picture something in North London, it's got a lot of elderly Jewish gentleman, you know, I wander around. And I'm always freaked out because there's at least two I'm aware of who've got very, very large penises. And I always find that really disturbing. Because

I sometimes you can't, you know, you can't help but notice because it's like Godzilla coming through the change room, do you know what I mean kind of a little overweight, quite short and he's got a massive piece of action going on between his legs. And I always get, dare I say, a little bit jealous. Because for a tall man, I feel I've been a little bit shortchanged. Oh wow. So that I do admit, that's the only instance where my eye has been naturally drawn to it. Do you know what annoys me in gyms? Where people walk around happily naked, all the the tie, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm thu, thu, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, I, I, the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, thee, the, the, the, the the, they, they. And, they's they's they's they's toge, they, they's tha-a, they me, they, their, their, istling. They get weighed naked, pop a towel on and take off three ounces. How exact have those measurements got to be? Yeah, do you know what I mean? Pop a tower on? I mean unless you're going on the space shuttle, I reckon you could give or take a couple of ounces. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Absolutely right. Absolutely right. to be that. Well, that. Well, we've put that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the. thement thement thement thement thement thement thoes me thoes me thoes me tho me thoes me thoes me thoes me thoes me thoes thoes thoes thoes tho tho tho tho tho tho me me me me me me me me thatement's thatement's thatement. thatement. thatement. that. that. the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the me the the to be me to be mea. the the the the the thooooooe mea. the mea. thooo that time again. You better be ready. Oh! Chimpanzee! That monkey news! Right, well this week what we colour in is.

Do you know like they say monkeys are pretty close to humans? Well when you say monkeys you mean apes, I assume. And when you say apes you mean chimpanzees. Well no, because they're different species. They're all primates. They've done a lot of tests and that, like I said, you know, we've talked about the one that went into space. We've had ones that have worked in train stations. barber one he started off sweeping didn't he but he didn't immediately go in straight but he worked his way up yeah they don't do your apprenticeship they do a

lot of stuff I've seen the salon he was probably the top student but the thing is you know I mean in a way this is linked to the one the salon hmm he could cut air but they'd never be allowed to work on the till right but these tests that they've been doing now why they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they they they're they they they're they're they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th th th th te te te te te te te try too too te too too te to they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they're tests that they've been doing now. Why? Are they not trustworthy? Well, they've had problems understanding money, right? But they've got one recently that they've been teaching about the value of money and showing it that, you know, to get this money, you've got to work hard, you've got to save your money. And when it's saved up, you can do what you want with with that money. But at the end of the the the the th th th the th th th th th th th the th th th the th, you th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. they they're they're they're they're they're they're that, you're they're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, they're, they're they're they're their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. Toge. T. T. Toge. T. T.a. T. T.a. T.a. T. T. T.a. T. T. T. T. T. They're, they money yeah it would happen at the end of the day these monkeys aren't on that much money yeah and they wouldn't they they could never you could never teach a monkey the value of money so so the thing is they said to these monkeys look you know there's your money

they haven't said anything to the monkeys they have they have please listen to the news but they're they they the the their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they they're they're they they're they they they're they they they they they they they they they they they that you know they know how to spend that money, right? It's basic rules really, it's for what you teach a human about money, and it's what you teach kids about your money. Invest and all that. So who's teaching these? Well, so they got past. Just some people and that. But who? Where are these monkeys? Where are these monkeys? Where are they in? Stop? What are the? Where are their? Where are their? Where are their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? their? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? to? their? their? It. It. It. It? It? It. It? It? It? It? It. It? It? It. It. It? It. It? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are? Are. Where? Are. Where are? Are. Where are? Are. Where are? Are. Where are? Are? Are? Are? Well? Well? Are. Where are? Are. Where are? Well? Are. Where are? Are the. Where are? Are the. Where are? Are the. Where are? Are the I think it's in San Francisco. What are they, are they in a shop? Are they, what are they doing? Are they in homes? What are they doing? In the zoo? Well, probably just in like some sort of science place where science people are checking out monkeys brains and that and seeing how they work. But they're happy. This is different to the news at 10. So listen. Yeah, but you can't interrupt the news news news news news news news news news news news news news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. This news. This news. This. This. This. This. This. This is news. This is news. This is news news news news news news news news news news news news news news news news news news news. This is news news news news news news news news news news news. the news. the news. This. This. This. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is. This is news. This is news. This is news. This is news. This is news. This is news. This. This. This. This. This. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. the news. from one thing Rick, please. Sorry, go on. So, there's these monkeys, right, and they've given them some money, probably about five

quid. And they said, right, off you go, go shopping. See you comes back with the best, sort of, how much can you get, you know, like in ready to stick, well, they had anything. This is absolute shit. No, listen! This is a lot of it. But one of them, right?

He was a way longer, to be fair. Right, I think he came back last. But they were really impressed because he sort of said, this is amazing that you've got all this. Can't believe it. Oh, this is absolute! Forget it, no, forget it, no, no, no, this is absolutely shit. We want to hear the end. No, no, no, no, just hang on a minute, right? So they said, give us the receipt and that, and they looked at it, and it was all official,

right? And they went through it all, and what they were really impressed by is the way that that that that that that that that they they they they they they they they they they they that they always went for the sort of slightly older veg where you get two lots for the price of right. Absolutely. And it just goes to show, right? This is absolute bollocks. There's no way, there's no way the chint went shopping and knew what he was buying. It's absolutely well it's absolute bollocks. Once again you've made it up you probably saw a headline on some sort of half-witting website and you're talking shit. Just to say if you have any monkey news for Carl that you want to hear on one of these podcasts in future weeks then you can email Carl or indeed with anything podcast at Ricky Javais dot com. This podcast was hosted by Positive Internet. What does, can I just ask, what does hosting mean when you, in that sense? I don't know, but the guys at Positive Internet do because they're experts in this field

and that's why I like them. Well, thanks very much. Join us next time when we'll, I'm sure, waste another half hour of your lives. See ya. Bye. The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited.