The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E3 (December 19, 2005)

Episode Date: September 4, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

Let's do a couple openings, let's do a couple openings. You do it. Well, you better say something. Hmm. Well, I think you should say, welcome to Ricky Javais, show on, whatever, podcast. I'm not on this, am I? Yeah. What am I doing here?

Well, just saying hello? Hello? No! Let us do the introductions. Fuck me! The Ricky Jovey's show on Guardian Unlimited. Right, welcome again to the Ricky Jovey's show on this Guardian podcast. With me, Ricky Javais, Steve Merchant, and of course... Hello there? Thanks. And of course our producer Carl Pilkington. All right. Kyle, can I ask you a question?

I know this is what a lot of the fans are already wondering. Is there going to be some monkey news today? There's got to be. Yeah? Yeah. All right. Well, I don't want. I'm worried because. has emailed this in, once again emailed to podcast at Ricky Joveys.com.

Chimp mauling under investigation. I think you're concerned, because this actually fuses two of our greatest features, monkey news and knob news. It's just one, into one seamless hole. Investigators said they are trying to figure out how two chimpanzees that viciously attacked a visitor at an animal sanctuary escape from their cage. This is the grim bit. The chimps chimps chimps ch chimps ch chimps ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch- th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the- the- the- thioled the- the- the- the- th th th the- th th th the. the. th the. the. th the. the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th is emailed th thused is emailed thused is emailed thused is emailed thused the--ma-ma-ma'-ma'er. thri-ma'-ma'er. thea'-ma'-ma'er. thea'er. thea'er. their cage, this is the grim bit, the chimps chewed off a man's nose and severely mauled his genitals and limbs. Why did they go for his genitals? Both of them did as well.

Eh? their tipes? . No, you're right, yeah, it was chimpanzees, too. I don't know. They just saw that they're dangling away and they... You're gone for the nose? I got for his bollocks! I know what accent if they got there? I don't know.

Were they kind of New York gangster chips? They like sopranoids. What happened to them anyway? What happened to their two guilty monkeys? Well, unfortunately they were shot dead by the authorities. You see that annoys me a bit. I know with again. What are you talking about? They're attacking people's go-doads! I know but they were happy in an African jungle a couple of years ago. That's what you do, that is what they do. That is what they do. That's what animals do. Animals fight. Do you remember when that that blow up to the local man, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are they are their they are their they are their. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, what you are th. Do, what you're, what you're, what you're, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do. Do, do. Do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, what are, what are, what are, what are the do? You're supposed to let him just wander off into the, I don't know, into the local mal and maybe savage some young children or a bucket with a face-pane

on it. No, all I'm saying is you don't shoot them for doing what's natural to them. They did want to. Why? If anything attacks anyone's balls. No, well, maybe they were shot they shot during it. that you're allowed to shoot them. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. their. their. I. their. No. their. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. their. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. No. No. No. No. No. I. I. All. All. I. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. All. the's doing them, but if they, were they executed or were they shot in the attack? No, it says he shot them, well he shot them to death, I'm assuming you shot them to death as they were legging it off. But why aren't they just sort of tranquilized? Where was this? Why am I being accused? It was my fault know, we try to save the pandas and then the next day someone's shooting him or whatever. I know it's not a panda, but all I'm saying is, it's double standard. So there's the whole argument falls apart, but go on. No, but what I'm saying is what would happen?

I've talked about made this up, like the unicorn. Well, I don't even... What was your point about the dragon? What's that got to do with this? Because I'm saying how like, why is it all right to be going around, going mental with a gun, shooting all the monkeys and killing them? Because one day we're going to run out. What are you talking about? How are you the their their their their their their th. th. their th. their th. their their th. What th. What th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is th. What is thi is thi is thi? What is thi is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their their their their their their their their their their th. What is th. What is thi. What is thro. What is toge. What is togu. What is togu. What is togu. What is togu. What is tho. What is thr- of a couple of testy happy monkeys? That's what I'm saying, one incident, they only did it once, they've got a boy who's not shooting around and making them extinct, are they? If they carry on like that, they will. Well, that's up to the monkeys to stop attacking people's private parts. But that's what...I'll be a give and tak...I'm sorry. That's that, that, that, that, that, their their their their their their their they's they's they's they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they. they. But, they. But, they. But, they. But, they. But, they. But, they. But, they. But, they. they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not, but, they're not, but, but, they're not, they're not, they're not, they're not they're not, they're not they're not they're not they're not, they're not they're not, they're not, but, but, but, but, but, but, good even if it's animal husbandry they're not sitting there going well I'll tell you what let's stay here because you know they're trying to do a nice little

breeding program here or we could get out and do what we do best run a mock eat some bollocks right and have a good time right they don't know what they're doing they they don't and recall right, the poor little bastards get a bullet in the head. For what? And I'm saying, if they're attacking a human, shoot them to stop them, that's fine, okay? But if they're running away and they're, you know, don't shoot them in the back like a coward. This was an animal sanctuary though. So presumably they had quite a cushy time there because most of the ones I visited, they've always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always always they've always always alwaysthey're wanking they're going for zoo they're loving it so you know you say that I think these they I don't know I just think they were they were they were there was something nasty they were something a bit

warped in these monkeys I mean I'm gonna a minute you've just answered your own question there you said they're in a sanctuary so they? Because that's where the ill ones go, isn't it? So what do you understand by sanctuary? Well I've been to one for seals. It's not like a boarstool? Yeah, he thinks it's a boarstool! He thinks that... It's like scum. Yeah, yeah, they did some bad stuff in the jungle and they had a monkey court and they went, send him to Borstuh. Well, it's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. thua. thinkink. think. think. to be to to be to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their. It's their. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their ss. It's their ss. It's their ss. It's their s seals. It's their s seals. their s seals. thoes. toesa. tooooomoomorrow. toolanananananananananananan. tooes. It's their s seals. It's to se No, it's a monkey sanctuary where it like a haven. Well, it's not a haven, is it? They've got a bullet in the ad. Ha'a'n'loss. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.

Talking of eating knobs. Yeah. Jilly Goulden. Now she'd been up to. Well, you saw it in I'm a celebrity getting me out of here. I haven't been watching it. She popped a little kangaroo knob in the mouth, chewed it up. What she just found it? Did she lying around? No, no, it was one of the things that she had to be... Oh, it was one of the challenges. Carole Thatcher, you know, a daughter of one of our leaders. Sure. She popped up. She's a the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. She popped a th. She popped a th. She popped a th. She popped a th. She popped a th. She popped a th. She popped a little. th. She popped a little. She popped a little. th. She popped a little. She popped a little. thooom. She popped a little thoom. She popped a little thoom. She popped a little thoom. She popped. She popped. She popped. She popped. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. t. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too, there was a kangaroo penis there, dried. She couldn't even get, it was so tough she couldn't even get through it. And then she, eventually she eats it. What was it like a pepper army? Yeah. And she too, what do you think of that, Carl? What are eating

that sort of stuff? Yeah. I just, I mean, I watch it, I like those little trial bits, right? Yeah. th you know. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. th. It's, th. It's, the. It's, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, eventually, the. the. the. the.? It is hard eating a little kangaroo knob. Really? How do you know? No, it's just, you know, you think about it and you go, oh, I couldn't do that, right? But what they never mention on the TV program, which I think takes it to the next level, right? They're eating that at like half past seven in the morning. Sure. Right. Wr. the breakfast. their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's just. It's which is worse, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? If I was there and Anteck said, right Carl, eat the knob, I'd go, hang on a minute, give us a few hours, let me get some rice and that on my belly, and just sort of fill me up a little bit more, I'll pop back at about half six this evening, have it ready? And I'd be happier then. It's just that thing of, you know, you feel it's so.

You don't eat animal genicles on an empty stomach. So what are you saying? I'm saying like, I could eat a knob at night, but... Just cut that there, we loop that. If any, if any, uh, DJs are listening, just take that quote, I could eat a knob at night by Carl Pilton. May we could do a dance, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, thk, I, th. th. I, I, I, I, th. I, I, th. I, I, th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. I th. I could, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could eat, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could, I could eat, th. th. I th. I th. I, th. I, th. I, I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I th. I th. I th. I could eat, t. I could eat, ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. today, you have sort of a house producer and you could maybe get some kind of high energy beat going and then we could just send that out of the gay clubs. I'm so I'm so really popular. Please anyone send us, you know, that looped with a nice little, you know, funky house beat. Carpil is insane, I could eat an off at night. No, but do you know what I mean though? Do you know what I mean th. Do th. Do I th. Do I th. Do what I th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do that. Do th. Do that I that I that I that I that I that I that I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the to to to to the to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the game. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. I. I. Yeah. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. try. I. I. Yeah. I................................... Not really. Well, I I'd okay then right. Okay now You do I couldn't do it. I could I could not do it

I couldn't pop a kangaroo testicle in my mouth and chew it. It was just it was disgusting to watch She was eating witchy grubs that I mean good on them because they were doing it, but then again, I think well they admirable and is that showing sort of like good British metal or is it you know I'll do anything to get on tele for a week I don't know you know where does it stop you know I thought Rebecca Luz went too far when she gave the little pig a tug but at least she knew where to stop you know Jenny God you know what it's obvious when you have to stop the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the the the the they to to to the to the to to the the the they the the they the the they the they they to to they to they they to they they they they to they to to to they to to to they to to they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to they to to to they their to their their to to to to they. to to they. they're to they're they're they're they're they're they're they stop. The pig tells you that. To, you know, to pop the... Also, again, where's the kangaroo hopping around without a cock? I tell you, here's another question, right?

A bit of a spin off with animals and that. Have you ever, right, Steve, killed a fly? Probably, yes. Right. Although I was watching David Attenborough, right? He makes his money out of flies and that, don't he? Do you think he's ever killed one or does he go, well I can't kill that fly or that spider? Because that's how I make me money. I don't know what the question is? I don't know what this question is. Like my man, right if if a fly is knocking about the house she never kills it she always catches it and puts it out on that and she said she'd never

who is she Mr Miyagi which means she catches it how she catch it with a pair of chopsticks no she's the tipa. Rick is that time again it's what everyone's waiting for can you do the jingle for oh chimpanzee that monkey news you right this week the monkey news is about we all we all the the the the the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th all th th all th all th all th all th all th all th all th all th all tho is all th tho is all th all th all th all th th all th th th th th th th th th th th th th th they all is all is all is all is all is all is all is all th is all th is all th is all th is all th is all th th th th th th th th th th the th all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all all the the the the the tho tho that that the that that the the that the that the the the the that the that the that that that the that that the that for. Can you do the jingle for us? Oh! Chimpan, see that! Monkey News! Right, this week the Monknews is about, you know, we all know like, you know, these monkeys knocking about that aren't happy in this country, right? Sure. It is a big problem, yeah, it's an epidemic. So they've set up like this sanctuary place, where they all go, the ones that aren't that aren't the ones the ones their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. they's their. they're they're their. they're thoomk. their. th. they're all. they're all. they're all. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. th.them down. They can phone a number and they'll come and pick them up. Pop them in this house place, right? And basically, they can run riot in there. They get freedom to sort of cheer themselves up. It's like, don't have a go at them. If they want to do such a thing, let them have a go and what they're try and what they're, right... There, right, their, right, their, right, their, right, their, right, right, their, right, right, their, right, right, right, their, right, right, their, right, right, right, their, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, their, their, their, right, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their, their, their. their, their, their, and, and their, and their, and th. And, and th. And, and th. th. th. th. th. thre, thre, and, th. threre, th. thre, and, th. thre, thre's their, and, and thre's their, and, and the. And, where is this place for wayward chimps who don't like the zoo? What are you talking about? A house where they can do what they want? I'm not sure where it is. That's not, that's a surprise. Go on. But, but, but there's this place anyway. It

doesn't matter where it is, does it at the end of the day? I'm So these monkeys, big house and that, Playstation, anything they want. Gym, all that, swimming. So, anyway, I'll cut to the chase, whatever. One of them wanted to mess about with the woman's breasts. Which woman's breasts? The woman who works there. Right. And she was like, right, pack it in, you know, we've all had a bit of fun. You've been in a gym and everything, obviously, you know, got a bit excited and that.

He was fired up and that, ready for the more action than that. He's trying to have a go on this woman's breast, right? She was like, no, you're not doing that, pack it in and all that, the boss who's running the place was like, come on, let him have a go. No, right, you're talking shit. I'm telling you what, I know sometimes I step over the mark and they made it. Right, so where, where is this place where, where is this house where chimps were allowed, well one, where is this place where one, where is the chimps, where the bosses, one of the human bosses, suggest the other one, oh and if the Jim wants to play with your tits, love let the gym play with his hands. I've said before Rick, will you please stop interrupting this news?

No, but listen, it's all right, Steve, because what I'll do, I'll do, I'll bring the link and you'll bring the link on the website and people can have a look at the, the full thing. No, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I, I, the, the, the, I, the, I, I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. Listen, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the first time of the... It was probably Monkey Fills a Right and you've extracted all this from that. So anyway right so he's there and he's... So the boss said yeah you can have a group. Yeah the boss is saying let him have a go on Rita if monkey wants to play it with nipples let him. So she's like I'm not happy with this and he's going come on and in the end, because she didn't allow it to happen, the fellow bloke, sacked her, got someone else in. This isn't made up. I will put the link on the website and everyone can have a look at it, but basically...

I want to see the advert he put in the Guardian, media page. I love that, I love that, woman wanted to let Jim feel tits whenever it wants. You're talking absolute shit again. That is no way that happened. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Do you know the other week when I came up with like a different idea of how we can sort of make the world run and that... Can we just have a quick recap of that because I seem to remember it was a little of old ice? It was ridiculous it was he was saying that the world is overpopulated so the system would be where people were living too long and stuff so what happens is people live till 78 I don't know how

you can enforce that right but when they die they've got a little baby they've got a little baby in their stomach like the they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their they they they their they they they they they they their their their they they they they they they they've they've they've their they've they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their they've their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th th th th thee are the are the are their their their their their their their their they're their they're their when they die. It wasn't a theory, it was an idea, it was the ramblings of a mental case. You're saying it's stupid, but someone's emailed in and said, oh yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, and did, okay, I'm asking you again, was the letter written and shit? Anyway, listen, did it's not a letter, the letters. the thi's th is say, th th th th th th th th that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that's the that's that the the that's that- it was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. that-in th. th. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that, that, that, that, that, that, that that, that, that, that that, that, that, that, that, that. that that, that we can't do that right if that's a no to that. Well it's not a question of whether we can do it or not. Just saying if that's a no right I've been thinking about. It is a lot of weird. You could win the Nobel Prize for this. But listen there is a lot of

ways in in the world of, like on that, on that David Attenborough program that he's doing at the moment is always showing you little insects and what they've got to do and there was one about a wasp, right, that had to fly about, right, for ages, looking out for a certain type of spider, right? It lays it down it? It lands on its back so that he's got to get that right, right? It lands on it. I don't think the spider's up for anything. That isn't even aware of this is how things move about. It's not going I've got to look out for a wasp. So all this is like it's got to be perfect timing. So this was dive down, right, sat on the back of this spider, it injects it or something with

a maggot or something, right? And then that maggot then lives off the spider for a bit. The spider knows it's got a maggot in it. No it doesn't. It does. And it's making a web. It goes, I've got something to look after it now, I've got, I've got responsibilities. It makes a web, right? It sort of reverses into it and puts the magging it and puts the magging it and puts the magging it and puts the magging it on the magging it on the magging it on the magging it on the magging it, the magging it, the web, the web, th, th, th, with with with with with with to to to to to look after here now, I've got, you know, responsibilities. It makes a web, right? It sort of reverses into it and puts the maggot on the, on the web. The maggot sort of clings onto the web, spiders there, maggot eats a spider, and then it moves on. If I came up with that idea for like a method, you'd say that's never going to happen. No! Game of the fact that you came up with the idea, right idea, right idea, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the fact that you came up with the idea, right, for an old lady dying at 78 with a baby growing in her that then lives on. It's nonsense. It's it's no idea. It's how can it be enforced? It's like, even if scientists thought

it was the best idea in the world, how would they enforce it? Who's going to go, that's a good idea? We've never thought of that..... That's, the wa. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. the wa. the wa. the wa. the w. the w. the w. the the the the the the the the the the the th. the their. their. th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. It's, their. It's, their. It's, their. It's, th. It's, th. th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. tode. toda. toda. today, the. the. the. their, their,, but what I'm saying is, who told the wasp to look out for that spider, to go on its back, to do, you know, what do you mean to believe this the fore to you? It's evolution, it's natural selection? Yeah, but this, I can understand, you know, we've chatted about it before their giraffe's having a thiaaaa...... thuuu. thu. th. th. to, to, to, to, th. th. thi. to, thi. to, thi, to, to, to, to, to, too, too, to to to to told, told, to to to to to to to to to to to told, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's, told, who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who, who, who, who, who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. Who. to, who, who, who's, who's, told, who's, who's, told, who's, who's, who's, told, who's, who's, who's, told, who's, told, who's, who's, who's, who's, who's... That's because you're attributing a thought and will behind their behaviour. Behaviour in humans is linked with a free will. Yeah, but most of what we do, say like how we have a kid at the moment, you don't just jump on the back of a woman and go, there you go, love, and then a baby pops out. You just come from Bristol. You just come from Bristol. No what I'm saying is

right? It's all you build up to it don't you have that bit of a chat and you go right? How's it going? And you get on and then a little baby will come out. This is the best. This is the best. Wait wait wait wait. I want to go back to the dating procedure there. You have a chat you go alright and and then a little baby comes out. This is amazing! This is incredible. I tell you, two-bit radios gain was secondary schools loss. It really was. What I'm saying is, this is my first pilgrim book.

No, unbelievable. What I mean is, it all, we all get on. What I'm saying is that, what point is a was ever going to have a chat with a spider or meet with it??....... the the the th with it. th with it. the th with it. th. the th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. It, th. It, th. It, thi. It, thi. It, thi. It, thi, I, I, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. This, thi. This, thi. This. This. This. This. This. It, I, I, I, I, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I. It, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thia. It's a thia. This is, tha is a wasp ever gonna have a chat with a spider or on meet up with it? I don't even understand where we are now in this conversation. Is a wasp in ever having a chat with a spider? What world do you live in? What's in your head? No, I can't believe it. Carl? What point is a was ever going to have a chat with a spider. So in some kind of weird insect nightclub these wasps and these and these maggots are meeting they're getting on.

Is that how you're imagining it? No, but that's what I'm saying to you. What are the odds on that actually happening? Listen, but listen, because behavior in lower forms of life is purely,, it's purely, it bypasses any form of consciousness. There's a parasite that's like a flatworm, a platy helmet with, it might be a nematode, it's some sort of invertecrate. Yeah, that it lays its egg, the beginning of its cycle is in a stickleback, okay, and it literally has to change the stickleback's behavior, okay? Because it has to get into a warm-blooded animal to

complete its cycle. So what it does is, this parasite makes the stickleback not flee from the shadow of a heron. So it makes the stickleback get eaten, right? So it then is in the the belly of a warm blood animal and it can complete its life behavior behavior, the behavior, the the behavior, the the the behavior, the their behavior, their behavior, their behavior, their behavior, their behavior, their behavior, their behavior. their behavior. It's their behavior, their, their, their, okay, their, their, their, their, their, their, okay, okay, because it has it has their, okay, because it has has has the stick, okay, because it has has the stick, okay, because it has has their, because it has has has their, okay, because, because, okay, because, because, because, because, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is, is, is, their, is, their, is, is, is, their, is, is, is, their, is, is their, is, is their, is, is, is, the stickleback get eaten, right? So it then is in the belly of a warm blood animal and it can complete its life cycle. But at no point is the nematode or the platy halminth whatever it is going, slow down's a heron coming, stay here, stay here, stay here and the stickleback going, why? I don't want to stay in the hearn. There There's no conversation, it's not they get together and go, listen, I've got some of it that might be mutually beneficial to both of us, I need to get into a heron. You like to be eaten by a heron, no I don't.

Where's this conversation with a while? Yes you do. Yes, you do. No, all I'm saying is, youthat's a crazy idea. How many times have we heard all I'm saying is and then such a stream of nonsense that it's blown our minds. No, but that's all I'm saying that you know, what you've just explained there with the error and having to knock about and for a fleet to be sat in the shade and that. Now that, now see that that is incredible. That translation of what I said, that sums it up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up up the headline the headline the headline their their their, their, th. thia. That's, thiia, thi. I'm, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's. that's, that's, that's. that's, their. their. their. that's, their. their. their, that's, their, their, that's, their, that's, they.a, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, their. that's, that'stranslation of what I said is, that sums it up for me, he sees a headline he reads a book, it then goes through this weird filtering system, with I imagine the music in his head is, boom, beep, ba, eh, ah, eah, discord and piano.

I think the noise in cars' head is like a fax machine if you've ever got that up, full volley. I think it's like a Czechoslovakian cartoon from 1963. You know what I mean? Like, noises like, ah, walks being hit and piano is just being hit by elbow. He's only person, you can give him a body of information and he strips away the facts. But the way he said that, I talked about, clearly talked about some sort of parasite in a stickleback that makes his behavior change so it doesn't flee, the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their theiron theiron theiron theirn't theirn. theiron, theiron, theirn. theirn. theirn, their. their. their. their, their, their. their. their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their.e, their, their, their, their, theirn't, theirn't, talked about some sort of parasite in a stickleback that makes its behaviour change so it doesn't flee the heron's shadow. He said, so there's an errand with a flee who doesn't like the shade. How did it come up?

I mean, it doesn't matter, forget that, right? What's your theory? What I'm saying is I've come up with something else that I'll run by you then. So you've said you've sort of boo-booed the idea of... We have boo-boed it. He shows a completely different bear. It was originally Poo-poo the bear but now it's boo-boo the bear. Brilliant. So you've said no to you know the old woman having a kid before she dies. What about if we do it the other way right? Ah, go on. Somehow, I don't know well yet. A kid has an old lady? That's what it's going to be, isn't it? A child give birth to an old man? No.

Right. But what I'm saying is, right? Work the other way round. Come on then. So if somehow we can inject something in like a body that's just died, right? Listen to this! But imagine this is note. When he hands it into the Nobel people, and they go,

if there's a way that we can inject something, they go, well what? Well I don't know the chemical formula, but something, something H-O-2. So anyway, so you inject it in the temple. He's narrowed it down to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the it in the temple. He's narrowed it down to the temple. Fine. Yes, you inject something. So you inject it in. What are you?

Who are you injecting? This old woman who's been ill and that, she died. So she's dead. So we're bringing old people back to life. Okay, fine. That's a step tho. Fine, that's step one. We just got to sort that out for us, but fine. We'll crack that, go on, next. So we've brought people back from the dead, fine. Yeah, but this is, this is a way of controlling population, remember?

They can't be having it away and having kids. This is just the way we're working now. Okay, so, there's an old lady. the world now. you get you get like an old woman who's dead yeah yeah inject her and then and then what happens is she sort of wakes up amazing and she works the other way so like she might be 77 yeah and then she'll have a birthday she's 76 and she's working that way right you know what I mean okay are you with me because because the thing is you've got... I'm really scared. This is the maddest thing you've ever said. This is

madder than the old lady with the pit like an apple in her belly. It sort of did work. This is no it didn't work. It worked in your head. It's like a dream that you wake up and go, I've got a great theory. This is like, this is it. Let me just tell you that the endings works out a bit better. Go on. What I'm saying is when you die at the age of 78, nine months, what? At the age of nine months because that's when you come out. What do you mean when you die at the age of no? You're not scared to dying because you're now a baby so you don't know what's going on anyway. So there's no fear. So they're missed out of it here so this woman what literally gets you're their. their. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. their, th. th. their, th. their, th. th. their, th. th. their, th. their, th. the their, the th. th. thi, thi, the th. the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the, the the. the. the the the the theeeeeeatea theeea theeeea theeeeeateeate the the thate thate thate thate th woman what literally gets younger and younger I think when she's in her 20s she's in her old age Rick yeah but it doesn't matter because that's the that's the fun part of your life isn't it when you're 20 and you've got all your energy and that so before you die you're actually having a good life rather than that being the other way around but

does she do different stuff than she did on the way up because she's already lived 78 years, hasn't she? Don't forget. She was a baby once and she grew to her years, then someone, then someone stuck a needle in her head and said, right, back you go. No, but forget all that bit. I'll forget all that bit. Oh, forget all that bit. How do you're saying is, how old people are scared of dying? So she's, so she died and she's 77, they're going, oh, what's what's going to to to to to to to to to th? to th? th? th? th? th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thi. that. thathe? Someone, thathe? Someone, thathe? Someone, the thathe? Someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone, someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? the the the the the the the the the the their? Someone? Someone? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? S. What's. S. th. S. Suh. Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone? Someone, th. S I'm saying is, all people are scared of dying. When they're 77, they're going, oh, what's going to happen to me? Little injection in the head. When it's a baby, when it's like one, and everybody around it's going, yeah, it's going to die soon or not. Baby hasn't got a clue, it's happy.

So it loses all its memories. That's it. And then what happens? So when does it die when it gets to naught? When it's one when it's naught days old it goes through. It just dies people know it's almost like a countdown. So the family's aware of it. But I hope the family getting younger is what's happened to the family? Forget it the they. We'll people. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. It. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's, the. It's happened to the family I mean I don't believe it as it is no leave it as it is shall we can we all agree on that guys now should we should we agree to leave it as it is is that all right because I don't want to hear any more from the diaries of Charles Manson no it is I mean you're a fucking maniac if you're a maniac and you'd like to get in toucest podcast at Ricky Jovece.com. Doing a bit of Christmas shopping, Rick the other day, and I was traveling around on the

tube, the London Underground, the subway system for our American friends. And, you know, as you know, but people around the world may not be so familiar. There's a recorded voice that you sometimes get on the tube that says, Mind the gap. Oh yeah, before you open the door, yeah, mind the gap. And the reason is that sometimes in some stations there is a gap between the train and the platform and obviously you know the te-sale and obviously you know theoretically you could fall down and it and it's different sizes so just that little reminder mind the gap. Just was tired of it. Yeah, he didn't want to mind the gap.

But what's he protesting about? I don't know. It's not about, it's not the police or the man keeping you down. That's just good sensible health and safety information. That's like saying fuck looking both ways before I cross the road. Screw penicillin. Screw pencilin. But no, do you know what, I'm going to drink and I am going to use threshing machinery and I don't give a damn. I love that about teenagers, that sort of, that kind of, ugh, screw you, sort of mentality,

but not, it's kind of blind, isn't it? It just anything, anything's a target, anything's valid. When I was a teenager, Ithe gap. I wasn't specifically against the gap, but it just said bullshit. Just in general, bullshit. You were raging against the machine. I was just going, yeah, people say, hey, what are you, I just open, I said, bullshit, all right? Just bullshit. But I assume that these forms of protest have never made any dent in anything in the world. I remember when the when there was all these protests against a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their anything in the world. Because I remember when there

was all these protests against the war, a couple of months about, and there was one guy so there was huge march in London as you know, and they did these all around the world, but there was hundreds, thousands of people in London. There was one of their thousands of people in London, there was one That was his form of protest against the horn. What sort of horn was it? It was one of those sort of hunting horns. Arrrh. When he was showing him, he was saying, this is what I believe.

Yeah, and if that doesn't change but it was opinions, I don't know what we're. I like the idea of Bush, yeah, just about to invade Iraq. And just the news comes, George, he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was he was he was he was he was he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, it was, he was, it was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he. It was, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, he. It was, he. It was, he. It was, he. It was, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was just, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he was from his chief of staff and then George George what is it what is it well listen no seriously got some information coming in from London go on I know you think it'll be ready to invade in a route definitely yeah why let us just think about it because there's a guy riding around on a three wheeled bike oh he's not he's not he's he's not he's wearing a gesture's hat oh okay okay well listen to what what's he's wearing he's wearing a gestures hat oh okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay okay the the the the the the the th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th I I I I I th th th th th th th th th th tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho, no, well, calm down, it's not that bad. It's not going to, uh, not going to change my opinion about... He's blowing a horn. Okay, get the troops out. Get the troops out now. What do they think to do? It's pointless. You've got to get involved in the... I saw a girl, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the girl, tha, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha, tha,ube and she had this bag, like a rucksack, and it was kind of black and it had, painted in Tippex, it had a picture of George Bush, but he was kind of in the sights of a rifle, you know, and it sort of said, stop the war, and it had a Barbie's head, but it was severed and the kind of the hair and all this and I just watched a tap her on the shoulder and say

are you actually getting involved in stopping the war or have you been working mainly on this bag? Yeah this must have taken you at least a couple of days yeah yeah you could have been writing emails you could have been getting a petition going oh dear oh dear have you ever have you ever been into that sort of teenage teenage protest um what to sort of the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, what to sort of stop stuff going on on that? Yeah, yeah. Or just, you know, making your views heard. I don't, I don't really like people knowing what I'm thinking. Right.

There's no way anyone can know what you're thinking. No, but, but, is thatteam of surgeons could fiddle around in your head for a couple of days and they still wouldn't know what you were thinking. I know what you're thinking. Exactly. You're thinking could a monkey ever be president at this moment, aren't you? But I don't like anyone that, like all those badges that you're talking about, like, you know, save the whale and all that. I don't like the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea the idea, I the idea, I the idea, I the idea, I the idea, I th. I th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I don't, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'. the, I, I, I, I, I. the, I. the, I. the, I. the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I', I, I', I', I', I'. the, I'. the, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thea. th. thea. th. thea. th. the. their, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm save the whale and all that. I don't like the idea that when I get on a tube and someone sees that they sort of know that I want to save the whale. I don't like people know it even to the point of... It gives you a disadvantage in life doesn't it? But just knowing stuff like when you get on a tube and say if you've to buy an iron board and I ate it that people sort of a thin. got and go, he's doing some ironing. Right, okay, that's got to be rare. I mean you can't have bought more than five or six ironing boards in your adult life. But I don't

mean just ironing boards, I mean like anything big where they can't wrap it so they just put a carrier bag round a little bit of it a little bit of it, a little, a little, a little, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, a little bit, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, right, thi, right, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thi, thi, thin, thi, thin, thi, thin, thin, thi, thi, agos and I did feel a little bit self-conscious. There you go. Because I thought, I thought people thinking East 30, why hasn't he got an ironing board yet? Yeah. I wouldn't just scruffy bas. I pretend I'm going to surfing whenever I buy an ironing board. I just made sure I go in Bermuda shorts and and sunglasses and I just walk down the street. their their their their their their their their their their their. their their their their. I' th. I'm th. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty I'm thirty I'm thirty I'm thirty I'm thirty I'm thirty I'm thirty I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty thirty thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I's thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty. I'm thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty thirty, I'm thirty, I'm thirty, I'm thirty, I'm thirty, I'm think, they think, hey, there's a dude going to the beach. I pop on a bus and go and do some island. Yeah. Wait, what's that on his t-shirt? Bullshit! He's radical.

I get still faintly embarrassed buying toilet paper. Yeah, I always have to buy something else to go with it. I don't like, because if you just buy it on that on that on that on that you're dying for one and it's like, I haven't got any in. Whereas if you just chuck it in with a pot noodle, it's like, well, he's eating and this thing about later. Whatever. But if you buy it on its own, you know that you've got none in the house and you've just rushed across the street to get some. Especially if you're still in your slippers. Well that's about it for another podcast, and a new one in a week's time after Christmas,

so Merry Christmas everyone. Have an absolutely blinding Christmas. Or a lovely whatever festival you celebrate in your part of the world from Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant and Carl Pilkington. If you want to send us anything, as ever the email address is podcast at Ricky Javais.com you can email just your thoughts on the show if you've got some monkey news for Carl or anything you think might intrigue Carl or indeed maybe just some Christmas wishes. Then that's the email address podcast at Ricky Gervais.

I would like to wish a particularly Merry Christmas to those guys at positive internet for all their genius input and good work hosting this podcast. Goodbye. Merry Christmas. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited.