The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E4 (December 26, 2005)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited Hi, Ricky Javais here with me Steve Merchant. Hello there, all right? And Carl Pilkington. Yeah, welcome to the fourth podcast in the series of 12. It's after Christmas. Now that's it for another year. All right, everyone had a nice Christmas? Oh yeah, there's had a blinder, had an absolute blinder, mate.

Good, good presents Carl. Yeah, no, anything good? Uh, odds and ends? Odds and salts. Yeah. A friend of mine got a gift, or I rather gave it as a gift. I don't know if you've been familiar with these, it's a charity organization, it, gone on their website or you know phone them up and you can give someone else the gift of say a goat for an African family. So you say this is what I've bought, I've bought goat and they go brilliant where is

it and you go no it's going to a family in Africa. And it's a sort of goodwill thing you know what I'm saying, you're a good thrying, you're thinin, you're thin, you're thin, you're thin, you're saying, you're thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, you're thin, you're thi, the their, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the gift, the the thi, the thi, thi, thi, thi, the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's thi's their their the the thi's the the the thi, the the the thi, the thi, the gift, the the gift, that will help them for years. And it's like you're saying, well I would have bought you a present. Yeah, but I've used that money wisely. Yeah, so it's almost like they've given the present. They've given the goat. Yeah, it's a beautiful idea. But as soon as C told with the present over there? Like the people who are getting it. What, the African family?

Yeah, is the African family sort of going, oh, I hope someone gets us a goat? That's nothing to do with Christmas for them. They're not sitting around, I wonder if Sant brings us some food. It's a long-term thing. These are happening all year, I assume. It goes towards a pool of money that goes to... It's not like they get a... You're an idiot.

What you think, an African family wakes up and there's a little goat with a ribbon tied around it, and they go, oh look what Santa brought us. And that mince pie is gone on that family want a goat? Yes. Well why? The somebody want a goat is they need a goat. Do you think, what do you think this organization is? I'm just arbitrarily giving goats to people. They're going to say, oh I wanted Nintendo. What are you what are you thinking? What I'm saying is, right? Let me put myself in their shoes. Well, this will be here first. But say say I'm I'm I I I I I I I I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm the th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm that's. I'm that's. I'm that's. that's. their. their. that's. that's. that's. that's. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. that's. that's. that's. that's. their. th. that's. th. th. that's. that's. th. th. that's. th. th. th. th. th. th. Do. their. Do. Do. their. Do Well this will be a first but but say say I'm one of them right over there right I'm hungry right I'm sat there it's Christmas Day right I open it up open the present little goat there right now if I was one of them I'd

be going not another mouth to feed at the end of the day there isn't enough food to go round for themselves, never mind a goat. Don't they say like having a dog and that is quite expensive? Sometimes they say, you know, what with all the injections you've got to give it, the food, the tin food and everything, it mounts up. And what I'm saying is, that's all very well given them a goat, who's looking after it? Well I'm assuming it's all of my board the goats had its injections, that's what some of the money goes

towards, it's given to them so they can milk it and have milk and cheese and whatever. I don't think it's a burden. I don't know what that the what is this? What do you mean? They wake up Christmas Day and open a present? It's not like that. th. What is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, the the goat is, the goat is, the goat, the goat is, the goat is, the goat is, the the the the the the the the the the the th is, the the thoes, thoes, tho, thi thoes, thoes, their their their their their their their their the money is, the money is, the money is, the money is some the money is some the money is the money is the money is, the money is, th is, th is, th is, th is, th is, th is, th is, th is, th is, th is th is th is th is the thi thi thi that that, that, that, that, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, that that that the that that that It's not like that. So there's a goat-shaped thing in wrapping paper. I wonder what that could be. I hope it's that goat we asked for. My God, it is! It's just a nice marketing way of distributing wealth. It's the way of going, this is a nice gift.

It's like people sometimes they say, don't send flowers at a funeral, they don't send flowers, give some money to the local hospice. It's just a way of redirecting cash. But the thing is, why do they want that goat? What's the main reason? What does a goat give you? What does a goat? Milk? Right.

Now, wouldn't it be easy to just send them a bottle of milk? Without all the assel and the headaches that come come that's that's that's th....... That's to to to to to tooes. That's tooes. That's tooes. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T, the assles and the headaches that come with it. That's all I'm saying. And the other thing is, think about the goat. That was happy over here. Suddenly, it's on barren land. No grass. I'm going to burst. What do you mean? You didn't send a goat from here? I'm saying, who's happy?

I'm saying, let's do this properly. So there's a tick, he's not happy, right? Then you've got the person who's opened it, who like you said, wanted some of it else, right? It's a goat, they go, who's going to look after this? Right? So tickais Show on Guardian Unlimited. I'll tell you what a lot of people are wondering, um, Carl, is what I received from Ricky this year. Nothing! Absolutely nothing. I remember actually after my birthday he said, oh yeah, I'll be getting you a little gift.

Forgot. So I've had nothing from him this year. He's got a little bit of cash in his pocket now. What I'm hoping is that maybe you'll pool it over the next five years and buy me something I've been reading about recently. Now you definitely love know what your feelings are Rick, you know I know you've probably got a bit of cash in the bank. I was, honestly, I was thinking of giving you another signed extras DVD. Some anything, it's the thought that counts. So that would be great. Because I've got some knocking round.

I know you've already got one ofannamels? I know it's aimed at five-year-olds, so I don't know why I personally would want it. But, you know, that's going to be in the little selection box for you. Great. But no, the trip into space. I don't know about that. I mean, it's not the money. There are things that I would spend two under ground on as a little folly, but I think that, you know, an individual jet pack for example. Right. You know, I'd like to see the earth from, you know, a couple hundred miles up, that'd

be good, but I don't know if that's quite worth it yet. The other thing is the safety, because I'm I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I that would be good. But I don't know if that's quite worth it yet. The other thing is the safety, because I'm worried that I want to see a lot of people go up there first, I wouldn't be the first boat to go on an aeroplane. No, no. I'd want to see a few pioneers go, it's really safe before I got on something like that. Well, I believe the actress Victoria Principal Principal is volunteering is volunteering, their thiiii, th. thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I th. I, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I, I th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. th. I'm th. thi, I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm worried, I'm thi. thi, I'm worried, I'm wo, I'm thi, I'm thi maybe we used to be in dynasty or Dallas Well, I see how happens to her. Yeah if if you know I think if she can do it then no If he comes back alright rather like those monkeys they sent up years ago Yeah, then we'll all be a lot more relaxed exactly if they put electrodes on her and it always There'll be a banana, you know shoot issue of bananas and there'll be buttons press left. Yeah, and I might consider it. Yeah, thoughts? Go into space? No. It's not worth it. What's the boy?

Wouldn't it be a fascinating experience to go into space and look back at the earth? There's no out there, though, is they? I mean, say that again? Well, isn't there, there's now up there, is they? I mean, at what point are you all thothough is they? Right. I mean what what point are you all meant to be happy? Do you know what I mean? You're floating about up there and you do because you don't get out do you? What do you mean to do some duty-free shopping? I'm just talking you don't go floating about do you? You're staying your seat? Well they probably let you move around the shuttle. into space? Yes, but that's what I'm saying. When you go on holiday, the flight bit isn't the best bit of the holiday, is it?

That's the bit you've got to do. So what I'm saying is you've got to stay on this and then you go back home. So you don't take luggage, right? I don't see what is the point? I think it's the view, I think it's the view, and being able to be part of an exclusive club, I went into space. It's all that thing about man conquering nature and you're one of that elite view that managed to pop up, see the world from a distance that no one else can see it from and then pop down. You know, that's it, of course. Yeah. So you all that way just for the view? Yeah. Is it worth it? I mean there's a lot of

other places I haven't seen anyway, right before I think about that. I think if you've done everywhere I haven't been to Scotland yet. Right? Yeah. I'm not being funny but do you the try and you know what I mean? Just have a look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look look before you go looking in someone else's. In space. Yeah. What would be, what would make it a trip worthwhile for you? I mean if you did go into space, if we gave it to you free a charge, we said Carl Garden space. I know the answer, I know the answer, Steve, is thinking I'd like to meet some aliens that can talk like I do and I can understand them and they can they and they and they and they and they and they and they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can they can to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th.. the. I try try try try. try try try. try. try. try. try. try try try try try try try try to to to to to to to t and they can tell me something like like what oh they met God he was all right that that's the sort of thing that's what he's

going to say he'd like him to look like monkeys in space suits yeah that would be his ideal thing he'd like to go to the planet of the ape he was love to go to look at they's nodding he's not in thought thought thou' to me yeah yeah yeah I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I the the the th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's not he's th's not he's not he's not he's th yeah yeah yeah yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah th yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th' tho's tho's th' th' th' th' tho' th' tho' tho' tho' tho Seeing a little alien that having a chat with him, find out what's been going on. What's been going on? No, no. But don't you think that, like, I mean, if you bought me that as a present, right, either of you, I wouldn't be that happy. For me, that's a little bit like... Well, there's no one's annoying because we've got you a trip and spice and a goat the goat the goat the goat the goat the goat the goat the goat the goat the goat, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that's a that's a that's a that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a that's a little and a goat. Do you know how like I'm sort I am interested in sort of going on another planet. All right? Go, you are on another planet mate. No no, but do you know what I mean? It would be quite sort of interesting. How do you think you'd get there? Well yeah you'd go on a rocket and stuff but what I'm saying is at least you know when you get there you're getting out you having a bit of a wonder wonder tha tha th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. to be a th. th. th. th. th. th. to be a to be to be to be to be to be th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their their their their their to to to to to their to their their their their their their their their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's their. I's th. I I their. I their. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm to. I'm te. I'm try. I'm to. I'm try. I'm try. I'm try. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to what I'm saying is at least you know when you get there you're getting out you're having a bit of a wonder but I wouldn't be happy in just the journey bit of it

that's that's what I'm saying. That's great. But but the thing is right because I was looking into it a bit because I was reading about the Virgin and I was reading something that in 1971 right. Three of them went up there, I can't remember the names, wasn't the main one, it wasn't like the buzz and the Armstrong one and that, another three bloke went up, and there was one bloke in the rocket, right, the other two wandered off, had a walk about seeing what rocks they can find in that,

and that bloke he was in the rocket, right? He was the loneliest man ever in the world. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know if that's some sort of profound poetry or I don't know. I think he's trying to say that he was... What are you trying to say? Stop stop for a minute because I just want to just recapture that moment. Just say that again, that sentence again. Right. The other two had gone off picking up rocks.

Yeah. He sat on his own in the rocket and he was the loneliest man in the world. I know what he means he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he is he is he he is he th is he tho tho tho thi tho tho- hea- hea- hea- hea- hea- hea- hea- hea hea hea hea. I was he he he he he he he he th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is tho tho tho tho tho tho to try try try try to say thoooo-s thoo-s tho-s. tho-s tho-s the world. I know what he's trying to say. I do, right. He's trying to say he was by definition a human furthest away from all other human contact. Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Now you know he said loneliness, loavokes an emotion. Yeah, yeah, but it's like he started crying and writing poetry and listening to Morrissey Records. You mean he was the most remote man? Well, yeah, he was saying now like he's on the rocket on his own right? And I think I worked out because it was in kilometers, right? And I think it turned out that they, right, the other two space-man picking rocks and that, they were two and a half thousand miles away from him,

right? So they were they were miles away. They, they... What, two and a half thousand miles? Yeah, and they, but they had each other. They had the world right across the other way, everyone getting on with their lives. He was, he was on his own. That's weird, that's weird, that's that's that's that's th. But, the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, their, their, their, their, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, he, he, he. So, he. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he. He. He, he. He. He. He, he, he. He. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were, they were? But what I was thinking is, right, say because I always sort of try and put myself in a situation, when I hear about a weird thing that's gone on, I always think, what would I do? You know what I mean? And I was thinking about it, right? Do you think when he got up in the morning, he still bothered to put his clothes on. That's the first thing that came into your mind when you picked it in there. No, just because I always, you know, at the end of the day, even if like my girlfriend, Sue's hands out at work and that, I'm not happy walking about with everything out, because

you never know what's going to happen. What you mean, like, you know, like, that's like, I always, like getting it, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I, I, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the.. I. I. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the microwave. I just mean you know you never think someone's going to turn up. No I don't like what I don't like no I I always pop some pants on or a towel even if I'm not always. Because I've knocked on your door when you've when you've been stood there with no he's taking his trosers off. I did it especially knowing that you were there I've done it especially to annoy you yeah so so do you know I mean do do do th th do th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do thi thi. Do you the. Do that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that he that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the the th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I that's that that that that that that... But do you know what I mean? Do you think he was walking about the rocket with his tackle out? Or did it go well, you know, no one's watching here. Do you know what it's flo-flot? It's been space. It's been space. I don't know what I mean by that, but it seems to make sense. Yeah. But don't they have cameras for NASA to monitor what's going on inside the spaceship? Not all the time now, I bet they've got to give him some sort of privacy. Now that would end up on the internet in floating around with his floating around with his floating knob. Well, if you are the man who was up in a space

rocket and was for a short period the loneliest man in the world, we'd love to hear for me, we'd love to hear what you did with your time time time, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, how, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. tho, thi, their, tho, tho, and their, in, in they. And, in, in th. And, in th. And, in th. And, in th. And, in th. And, in th. And, in th.. And, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, they, they, they, they, they. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thi. And, thoooooooooan, and thoan, and thoooan, and thoan, and was that like did it did it flow up or did it float down these are just some of the questions that we'd like so if you are that person and maybe you know them maybe they're a neighbor of yours then you can get in touch with us podcast at Ricky Javais dot com the Ricky Javais so I mean Ricky Javais so the Rek the theyrific so. the the the the the they-Jahs is is is is is so. they. they. they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I they. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. they. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. these podcasts. I mean people are emailing in by the hundreds of thousands it's meant, well maybe not hundreds of thousands, I didn't count them, but thousands certainly, crazy amounts of people, I've just really get through them. I've just managed to pick out a few. It's because it's, New Zealand, Canada. And these are just some of the ones that I've pulled out from the email because there's so many of them.

Podcast at Ricky Gervais.com if you want to get in touch. Rob says he listens to the show in his exams, which I'm sure cannot be a good idea. I mean... No, because that's opposed to me, you and Carl Pilkington. But surely you're not allowed to listen to your stereo or your iPod in an exam. That would be crazy, wouldn't it? Well he's probably got a, you know, he's probably up his back, a little wire, wired to him, covered in some sort of fake flesh and hair and then just pops into his ear. It's all changed now though on it as well. What do you throwed to change now? It's. It's, th. It's, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th. that, th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th, th. It, th, th. It, th, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. Well, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, that, to. It's, to. It's, to. It's, to. It's probably, to. It's probably, to. It's probably, to. It's probably, to. It's probably, thr exams. What world do you know about exams? You never showed up? But what I'm saying is years ago a calculator wouldn't have been allowed. We've moved on a bit now don't we? What year was this though? I don't have an iPod?

With loads of people with abacuses? I don't know. Anyway Rob's Rob's question was this? Brilliant. I've never heard him admit that. I've I I I I've I've I've I've I've I've I've I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've that. I've the the the to the to their. Rob. Rob. Rob. th. to to th. Rob. th. Rob. Rob. Rob. Rob. Rob. Rob. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to to to to to to to to to to to the. the. the. the. the. the. the admit that before. I think we've broken his spirit. Carl, you go, I don't know. Oh no, we might have, we might have put an end to the phenomenon that is Carl Pilking you is still to come. He's back. Anyway, listen, Rob's question is this, Carl, it's specifically to you. Carl, if you could have a superpower, like Superman, what would your superpower be? Can I suggest consciousness? Can I have the power of thought? Remember, you've already got opposable thumbs. So, cross that one off the list.

Oh, go on, Carl. There are so many to choose from, telepathy, x-ray vision, flight, invisibility. Choose it wisely. Strength, intelligence. But why have I been picked? Oh, for God's say! Say! Say! Say! Say! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No, the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho? Yeah, tho, tho, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can. tho? tho, can. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the power, the power, the power, the power, the power, the the thi. Yeah, the the tho? Yeah, tho? Yeah, the the thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? tho? Could, can, can, tho. Strength, intelligence. But why have I been picked? Oh for God's sake! It's Rob's question for you. But I just say, does anyone else want this? Or, do you know what I mean? Oh, what would you wish you could do that's impossible? Because, no, because, no, because with that comes a responsibility? With enormous power does come great responsibility so would it what would you

like spidey senses is that what you're saying would you like some senses would you like some sense the power of sense come on car you know what these super heroes because they can they can freeze things they never happy are they you know I mean I mean spider man that want to to to tell them to that to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to always they never happy are they yeah I mean spiderman that wanted to tell that girl like he had he could climb walls and that he's like I can't superman didn't never told Lewis and that yeah it's Lewis he's Lewis it's just a pen pal superman's he's little secret charm!

Alright, Superman! Hello, Louis, what are you doing? Ah, Superman? Who are you? I can't tell you, Lewis. Brilliant. You know, Hulk, he wasn't happy. So...

But you're being allowed to choose the superpower. You don't have to get it forced upon you like the whole. He wasn't happy. He's there. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's. There's. There's. There's there. There's. There's. There's there. There's there. There's. There's not. There's not. There's not. There's there. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There's. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There. There's not. There's not there. There's not there. There's not there. There's not there's not there's not there's not there's not there's not there's not there's not there's not there's not there's not It's true, he's got a theme. He has got a theme. There's not many happy superheroes, are they? But leaving aside the superheroes you're already aware of, what superpowers you want? You don't have to fight crime with it, Carl. Everyone around the world now, is thinking what can Carl choose? Let's deliver it to him now, Carl, Carl, Carl, the the the the the the the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. to be, to be, th. thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th. th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He, th. He. He. He's, the. He's, the. He's, is, is, is, is, is, is, toeean. toean. toean. toean. thean. theean. theean. theeean. He's, is, is, is the. He's, the. Let's deliver it to him now, Carl. Think about it and give us the answer, please. Let me just remind you some of the other things. Invisibility. All the time though, or can I sort of turn that on and off? Let's say you could turn it on and off. Would that interest you? Yeah. I'll have that. Right. Okay, and what would you do with this power of invisibility? Just sort of wander about and not just not get seen It's brilliant power

It's a brilliant and it's put to such brilliant use. It's really well done. Why would you want to walk around and not be seen in that? Uh, what would you gain from that? Don't you could sort sort of go in, going shops when they shut so you don't have to go. How would you get in? Just get in just before they lock up. Oh yeah! How would you get out? Wait until the morning. So hang on. So that's your use of invisibility. They found the power of invisibility. You want to sneak into, very wait. Hang on. You want to sneak into HMV. to to to to to to to to the the to the the to the to the to the the to the to to their their their their to to to their to go in to go in to go in to go in to go in to go in their their to go in to go in, go in, go in, go in, go in to go in to go in to go in to go in to go in to go in to go in shops, go in to go in shops, go in to go in to go in to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their invisibility. They found the power of invisibility. You want to sneak into... There you want to sneak into HMV, right? Wait for 12 hours and then buy something. I love it. Just so that you don't have to be in there with other people. Do you know what? I don't want it.

I don't want a power. Why not? Because I just don't think it'll do me any good. I think it's more of a hindrance. I love this. Just think of his presents we've given you a go a trip into space and the chance to be invisible. Not happy with any of them. Yeah. What he wants is a voucher for HMV. Yeah, he just wants some tokens for a record shop. Yeah, he just wants some tokens tookes for a record shop. to to to to to to be to be their th. their tho th. th. their tho tho tho tho their tho tho thi tho thi thi thi tho tho tho tho tho to be to be tho thi thi. to be to be to be to be thoom. thoom. thoom. thi. thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi thi thi. Just thi thi thi thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just thi. Just the thi. the. the. the. the. the. the. too. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Just the. Just the. Just the. Just tokens for a record shop. Just going through a few more of these emails. This one is from David. He's in Los Angeles, California, 22 years old. He says he loves the show, but he says, with respect to Carl, never before have I understood so little of what a man says. Virtually everything that Kyle talked about was aloof to me. What on earth was he ranting about? Flies and condoms, monkeys and pushing the left button, cavemen

and dinosaurs. And that's just some of you, I mean, let's be honest, if you are in America, I mean, that's actually the accent is probably a problem. What on earth does that mean? This one's from Kent Plummer, from Nova Scotia, Canada. He says, Carl, he's wondering if you've got any personal mantras that you could pass along. For instance, he reminds us of Ben Franklin's famous mantra, Waste Not, want not. Who said that? Ben Franklin? What was he, what did he do? What was his job? Benjamin Franklin was a well-respected American politician from the 1800s. He was a thinker of a philosopher, a scientist, deeply respected. He's on a big political figure, he features on the dollar bill or the ten dollar bill or something. So he's one of the great

sort of American enlightenment thinkers. And he came up with the mantra wan on the dollar bill or the ten dollar bill or something. So he's one of the great sort of American enlightenment thinkers and he came up with the mantra, waste not want not. You must know waste not want not. I mean that's just... Do you understand the phrase waste not want not? No, not really. What does it mean? You've never heard that? I think I've heard it, but I don't know, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I, I've, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I, I've, I've, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've all I'm going to do now is paraphrase that and put some prepositions

and stuff in it for you. I can't work out how you can't work out what that means. It's like don't throw stuff away because you might need it and therefore you won't be wanting anything because you didn't throw it away. So, so he was a bit of a hoarder. Well, if you don't waste food for instance. He's a bit of a hoarder. For God's sake.

No, no, but I'm just saying, you know, he's a man in power. Is that the best thing he ever said? No, I'm sure he came up with many, many profound things. He had experiments in electricity and conducting electricity all sorts. But that impresses me more, invent electricity than someone. He didn't invent electricity. Wait a minute! Don't impress you more than what? Just saying, well, it's not want not. I don't, I don't think it's that good. It's not even catchy. What I don't understand is why he was the first person to suggest look look. to to to to to to to to the to to to the, to s. to to the, to to the, to to to the, the, to to the, to the, th. th. th. th. to, th. thi, thi, the, the, thi, thi, the, thi, the, the, the, the, th. I, th. I, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, thi. I. I. I thi. I thi. I thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm toge. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. In in in in in their, their, that good. It's not even catchy. What I don't understand is why he was the first person to sort of suggest look, don't go chucking that out, keep it, you might need it later. If I said... He wasn't the first person. Say that again, that is brilliant. Now that, why isn't that catch on? That is amazing you've just come up with air. That's poetry. How would you word it? I'd just say, whoa, whoa, whoa, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. thooooo. tho. that, don't be chucking that out, you might need that later.

Don't be chucking that out, you might need that later. Carl Pilkington, whereas someone is on five. Waste not, not, is perhaps a little bit more pithy, a little bit more... We should go through great sayings and phases and say if I'll... Well, first of course, first does he know what they mean, and then, and then, and then, they, they, they, they, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thus, thus, thus, thus, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, thu, you, you, you, th.. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th. thin, to, toge, tip, thin, to to to to to to thi, thi, that next time. So, um, oh, let's say, okay, Winston Churchill, um, never have so few done so much for so many. What do you think of that? How would you, do you know what that means? So he's saying, well it's with regard to the Battle of Britain and the pilots that gave their lives. Yeah, I just, I'd just be annoyed if I was tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that gave their lives. Yeah, I'd just be annoyed if I was one of them who gave a lot for a few or whatever, right? No, gave a lot for so many. If you were one of those few that gave so much for so many, i.e., it means these few good men, their actions freed the world.

They freed the world. And they were few brave men, yeah yet and that's what he's saying. Yeah, but what I'm saying is, if I was one of them men who gave up his life, right, I'd want a name check. I don't want to be bungled in with everyone else who is saying a load of blokees, well done and that. See, that's it. Did you just say, that's their their their their their their their their their their their th. Did you just th. Did you just th. Did th. Did th. Did th. Did th. Did th. Did th. Did thin, did th. Did them. them. them. them. thin, the. them. them. them. them. them, if them, if them, them, them, th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. If th. I th. I the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th't want to be bungled in. He made up a word. You don't want to be bungled in. You made up a word. See that's it you see we've been looking for it. That's original that's Carl Wilkington. I don't want to be bungled in.

I don't want to be bungled in. I imagine he had a wild Christmas. Imagine the fun he got going to look forward to meeting one day. Paul the Party Animal Parker. I imagine he had a wild Christmas. Imagine what fun he got up to. He's sitting now in sunglasses with his mom giving him some suit because he's parted too hard. And I'll tell you this, I wish I was around there for New Year. Imagine what he's going to get up to in his book. If he recovers, he's going to be, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's going. He. He's to, he's to. He's to. He's. He's. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he's. He. He, he, he, he's. He, he's. He, he's. He. He. He, he's. He. He. He. He. He, he, he's. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's to, he's to. He's to. He's to. He's to. He's sitting. He's sitting. He's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting, he's sitting. He's to. He's he one? Paul the party, Animal Parker, he's sent in a fact. That seems to be his thing now.

He sends in facts, he thinks might be of interest to us. The kiss that is given by the bride to the groom at the end of the wedding ceremony originates from the earliest times when the couple would actually make love for the first time Now a couple of questions straight away. Firstly, this is almost like a Carl fact, because there's no specific time or place. It was earliest times. I don't know whether that means the wedding ceremony in this country, in America, in Africa, who knows? Yeah. But so, yeah, it's a little bit vague. But this was the thing that's about me, actually make love for the first time under the eyes of half the village. And you wonder why th, why th, why th, why th, why th, why, why, why, why, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, tho, tho, I tho, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I their, I don't know, I don't know, th. th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I their, I their, I the village? Was it like, were they raffling off tickets? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. You come and see two people getting it on. The rest of you know, the tickets only, it's cordoned off. It started off and then a few of them got bored. Exactly. Once you've seen one stroke, you've seen them all. Yeah, I don't, yeah, there's any if there's any truth but what about that car would you feel with that if you had to if you had to at what point does that happen is that like

you know they go like you know I do get your knickers off well presumably if it's the the origins of the kiss you may kiss the bride the old vicar used to say as I were jumping over the broomstick you used to go, right, give a one. Yeah. And then... You may knob the bride. Don't know how quick the love-making has to be whether you've got to get in and out, boom, and then, you know what I mean? Because people are hungry, they want to eat, they won't have a disco, or whether they can go on for hours and people have just been. The case was it going to bring it in their own clay. People brought sleeping bags. Thermos Flas.

The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Do you know we've chatted about charities before, aren't we? We've done a lot of stuff on that, right? It's coming back from Manchester, right? Got off the train, walking through the busy bit and stuff. This fellow stood there, right, got off the train at Houston, right? Got the train, walking through the busy bit and stuff. This fellow stood there, right? A good charity worker, right? Nice looking fella, he's got his suit on the tie and everything, quite respectable and that, right?

Look down at his bucket, all the money's been put in the bucket and that, right? On the front of Christmas. Now, why can't they do that? What are the homeless? The homeless people. Why is some fella taking his time out, right? His own time where he could be at home. Why, what have they got on the time table? Some of us have got home to go to?

Why, do you know what do you think, just give them the bucket? What are the homeless the homeless the homeless people the homeless people the homeless people whilst he's doing that? What have they got on the timetable? Cut out the middleman. Cut out the middleman. Give all the homeless a bucket with a homeless written on it. For Christmas. Yeah, no admin. No?

Just keep everything you get, mate? What's it? What would prevent a homeless person, an entrepreneurial and an entrepreneur, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an entrepreneurial, and an the, and an their, and an thapaphaphaphaphomen, and an thape, and an thorne, thumbe, a bucket and write it out other than John. Could I suggest something? Hunger, some drug addiction, traumas, often mental illness, just possibly too depressed to get up, put a suit on and go to Houston Station with a nice bucket with some writing on it. And then right, I was thinking, thinking about that, right? And walking down, walking down the street in London with Suzanne saw a little homeless well I didn't see the homeless

bloke right I saw a leg right sticking out of a doorway there we go right walk past it right you're not gonna believe this go on homeless yeah I've never seen one of them I've never seen one of them no I'm not having to go, right? But have you ever seen, do you know what I mean? That was a shot tee. I really don't think I have. I think he's got me there.

I hate to say it, but I must say I can't remember ever seeing a homeless Chinese person. No. No, I suppose you're right. Weird, isn't it? I actually said I was at what, walked past and I said to Suzanne, did you see that? She went what? I said just look back there she'd about what? I said that homeless fellow, I look back at him. She said what, it's his Chinese? And she said, yeah, good point. She said, yeah, good point. She said that she did that. She didn't just, she that. She said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she said, she, she said, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, was. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to say. to say. to say. to. to say. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to with you! Oh God! I'm more to the point really, yeah, what exactly is your point? You're just the best because you've never seen it. that and I saw that and I just, I just saw, you know, I just found it a bit odd.

Right. Well, if you are perhaps based in China, but anywhere else, have you ever seen a Chinese homeless person? Podcast at Ricky Javais.com, if you have, maybe you've got a picture you can send us as well. But this is what we're looking for now. We're looking for, how many Chinese homeless people can we, can we find by, let's say, 2006. January 1st, how many Chinese homeless people have you seen? What? Rick, it's that time again. It's what the whole world is waiting for now. Is it every week? It is monkey news. Please perform live the jingle.

Why did you say that? Well, we've had a few people saying, oh, is that a pre-recorded jingle? Yeah, like anything's pre-record. That technology. I'll give it, I'll give it a the it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it I'll give it a big one so I'll give it oh chimpanzee that monkey news your there we go right then well got an email from John you know if you've got any monkey news going on in your area let us know poor case to be a, amazing! Just bung it on email. And this one sent in from John, don't know where he is.

But, um, do you know, like, they're running out of TV ideas and that? They're running out of TV ideas. Well, you know, they've done a lot of stuff. I mean, if you had to come up with a TV idea, you struggle, don't you? Because every idea you come up with, it's kind of been done on it. It's like inventions and that. Right? They're not getting monkeys to come up with TV ideas, are they? Well, no, right? But there's a TV channel in Moscow, right? And I think they had a bit of bad luck or something, a lot of redundancies and that, right? And whoever was in charge of it got a bit mental and got rid of loads of people, right? And they come in the next day and they were like, right, are we ready to go live and that? And someone comes running with a clipboard saying, we haven't got any

people left, right? To present. Right, tell you what, okay, carry on. So he goes what? If just one employee, turns out to be Simeyon, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to present. That's like nonsense. Right, I'll tell you what. All right, okay, carry on, carry on. So, so he goes what? If just one employee turns out to be Simeon and is doing a good job, I'm never doing this radio show again. So this TV channel, you know, it's having a lot of problems and that. They've got to go live, right? He's like, what am what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. that, what, what, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th. that, that, that, th. to to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. to, th. th. th. th. to thi. th. thi. th. too. th. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to. to. to. to. to. to do? Anyway, for some reason, right? There was a chimp knocking about. For some reason, that's the key piece of information. But we didn't get it.

It doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Anyway, I can't see where this plot go. Where he's just there? So anyway, so he sort of says, get it in a suit right? Why? So because they've running out of ideas. The clock's ticking, they've got to go live with something. What do you mean?

What is it in? He's presenting? Listen, it's a chat show. I'm not. They can't talk. Again, don't havethree, two, one, what have you, chimps sat there on the chair. He was like, look, let's just get through tonight's show and worry about this tomorrow, right? What are you talking about?

So, what are you talking about? So, what the chimps there? What, the ch So anyway, it's sat there, right? And they're going, right? Good luck everyone, right? Yeah. Uh, chimps there. What program is this? It's a chat show? It's a chat show? It's a chat show, is it? Well, it's the monkeys, I like the fact that they... It's like, no one's going to thee. thi. tho'n't the fact. their. thin. thin. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. What's th. th. th. th. th. their their th. th. th. th. their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. th. their. their. their. th. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. tho. the. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. the the tho. the tho. th. th. th. th. avily, look at that slavently ape! So anyway, let's, you know, get to the point of it and that, right? So anyway, so they go on, right? It's all going, going, didn't happen. There's no way this happens. Here's a fundamental question.

How was the chimp asking questions? Um, not sure about that bit. But all I've got the stuff. thapapapers. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. the stuff. the stuff. the stuff. the the the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the. It's. Go. Go. Go. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. Go. Go. the. Go. giv you some facts. I told you, there's a TV channel in Moscow that's having problems, right? I've explained that. Now it's this rubbish. They got rid of presenters, the monkey sat there, right? Don't worry about it anyway, I'm telling you, it goes all right? So anyway, in the break please do not interrupt the way they had a they had a big guest on that that week and what what did they do just talk to

it was they they walked so share but say if it is share right now what the main gaffery is like going totalking to a chimp in a suit. So anyway, she comes on. And they're filming it for Moscow TV. And the ratings are going through the roof. Presumably there's a translator because share doesn't speak either Russian or chimps. She comes off, right? She comes off right? And the bloke who's in charge, she's like, she's going to go mad. She walks. She's th. She's th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. thi. the the tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the their, their, their, their, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's thea. It's thea. thea. thea. thea. th. thea. thea. It's their that. She said, that's one of the best interviews, right? So anyway, they decided, right? It went so well, kept him on. He's still there. I love the fact that Cher was an idea that Steve threw up,

and now she's going, I love that. I love that, I love that, I love that, Jim that, Jim,? Send it in. Podcast at Ricky Joveys. Dotcom. From the creators of the office, Ricky Javais and Stephen Merchant. Extras, the first series, now on DVD. Who are you? Nobody? What's that? Who? Who?

Nobody? Nobody. You are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mentor. I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know. Is there any nudity in it? Well, it could be. Men or women. Either. Well, just women. I will make it so.

A painfully funny double disc. Extras on DVD Now. Thanks for listening, Happy New Year, particularly to our friends at Positive Internet and host those guys have a wild try. They host this podcast and they do a brilliant job. Happy New Year to everyone around the world and in particular those guys at Positive Internet. And also Paul, Animal Parker, have a blinding New Year because I imagine it's going to be crazy. You don't need to say to him. I'm their new year. I'm not to say it. I, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, I, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, particularly, to, particularly, particularly, to, to.... I, particularly, particularly, particularly, to, particularly, to, particularly, to, particularly, to, particularly, to, particularly, to, particularly, to, to, particularly, Animal Parker, have a blinding new year because I imagine it's going to be crazy. You don't need to say to him. It's, I'm insulted that you have to tell him that because there's no way you need to tell him that. It's going to have a blind in

new year so don't, don't waste your breath, Steve. That's all from me, Steve, we've got Ricky Javay's here. And, and an. And, and an. And, and their, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the their, I I, their their their ma, I their ma. I their ma. I their. I'm their. I'm to to to their to to their to to to to to to their ma, I, I'm their The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited.