The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E5 (January 2, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Happy New Year. Welcome to the world's number one podcast on Ricky Javais, with me Steve Merchant. Hello there? And Carl Pilkington. We have had an overwhelming response for me, Maus. To be honest, we're very grateful and thank you so much, but we've had had over 4,000 which is just too many to get through so we're gonna have to apologize we're not getting back to you. We are gonna try and read

them all but we just can't reply we've it's we do this ourselves we're three little fellas we haven't got an entourage and millions of people working for us it's just us in a little room. But thank you so much. One in particular, remember a couple of weeks ago we asked if there's any house DJs out there, maybe they could do a dance mega mix with the words I could eat a knob at night. Carl just said that in conversation, talking came out with the phrase, I could eat a knob at night. Someone has risen to the challenge. We had about 70 different songs. We're going to play our favorite at the end of the show and maybe put some of the others

on the website, Ricky Joveys. So you can go there and hear great dance tracks. They're all called I could eat a knob at night. Oh no one's switching off now everyone's guaranteed they're going to stay right to the end there so they can hear I want a bit of a knob at night. Yeah it's funny it was only a while ago you're talking about getting quoted like Winston Churchill got quoted and and Ben Franklin got quoted and now you may go down in history I could eat a knob at night. Carl Pil I could eat a knob at night, Carl Pilkington. Carl I could eat a knob at night Pilkington. Talking of all things, nobular, I got a text from Carl yesterday, Steve. A text from Carl, yeah. I'll just read it to you.

Okay, see you to Moz for a face rub at 630 then. No bum tubes though. So I was intrigued and I called cars and I think you've just sent me a text by mistake. What's the explanation of that? See you tomorrow for a face rub. No bum tubes though. Just because, my mate, Ruffle, why does he choose you? He just said, you know, there's things that

go on in life that you need to experience. Yeah. He said just just pop along and I didn't say yes straight away. What's a face rub? You mean a facial? Like a facial? Just like a posh, just like a posh, just like a posh. Just like a posh, just like a posh. Like a facial. Like a facial one and that. So you're going to have a facial scrub, you're going to go lie down with another man and have your face with a little bit. Well no, this is what I was saying to him. There's a couple of questions. I didn't just say yes, straight away I questioned it. I said, well I'm not that happy with this. I said, well I'm not that happy to say look. Look, there. I said look, look, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the, they. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, they. they. tho, they. tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I's, th. I's, th. I's th. th. I's thi. tho, tha. tha. tho. tha. thooooooooooo. tha. the. thooooo. tha. tha. tha. that I said well I'm not that. So he's already got you in the dressing gown? Yeah well I haven't agreed to that today I've worn a little round pola neck sort of jumper so I don't have to take it off sock sock sock sock that it's not gonna get in the way of my face their jumper. I'm not took it to theymea. I. I I I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to took. I I I I I I I took it. I took it's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to took it's to to to to to to to to to to to to tock. I'm tock. I'm tock. I tock. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to tip it's tip it's tip it's tip it's tip. It's tip. I I I tip. It's tip. I I tip. I tip. I thee it's not thee it's not thee. I'm not thee. I'm not thee. I don't thee thee thee. I'm not thee it's not thee. I'm not tipe. I'm not tipe. I don't know if it's a woman who rubs my head, don't know if it's a bloke or whatever. Well the thing is you get extra don't you for your face

because your face goes all the way back over your top of your head down to the back of your neck. So you've got a big face haven't you? All I was saying to him is I'll have the face rubbed but I don't know if you're in there but I don't the the the the the the the the th. thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin' thin' thr- thrown thrub. But thrube thrube. But thrube thrubes thrube. Because thrube. Because thrube. Because thrube. Because thrube thr- thr- thr- thr- th th the th th the the face their their their their their their their their their their their th th th th th th th th th th thin because thr-you because thr-you because thrown thrown thrown thrown thrown thrown throwne but but throooe but throoe but throooe but thrace but throe but thrace but thrace because because thing. What's the bum tube? Is that euphemism? What are you talking about? The thing where they pop a tube in and put coffee in your belly and it cleans you out on that. An enema? Yeah, yeah. A colonic irrigation? Yeah, yeah. What would you have that? I don't want it? I don't think I don't want to want it. I don't think. thi. I th. I th. I don't th. I don't want th. I don't want th. I don't want thin. I don't want thin. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want tho. I don't want the tho. I don't want the the their. I don't. I don't. I their. I their. I their. I their. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't want the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. I don't want their. I don't want th. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't. I don't. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't want. I don't you before about, you know, you don't need to be that clean inside. You know what I mean? I don't mind washing my face. What occasion do you need where you're that cleaned out? Do you know what I mean?

It's always a clear tube and that and you see all the stuff whizzing past. I don't understand why it's clear. I don't know why you've got to see what's coming out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out the the the their their the generation game making notes of what's whizzing past. Forget it. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Over the Christmas break I was watching some different TV. So an amazing documentary it was called Tribes. This guy and he goes and lives with different tribes around the world. These small little indigenous people and there was one he went to Papua New Guinea in Indonesia, right, Carl. He lived with the Combi tribe, all right? Now this Papua New Guinea is an extraordinary place because

it is one of the only places left on earth that hasn't been fully explored. There are parts of it that it's just blank on the map because they've never explored there. They don't know what's there, they don't know what's going on. So first. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. So. their. So. So. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, first. So, th. So, their, their, they. So, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. So. So. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, their. So, that must already freak you out. Imagine that. 21st century, they have no idea what's going on down there. But do they need to know if there's nothing going on? Well, they don't know what's going on, there could be stuff going on. No, but there's no chance that they'll go, we haven't been over there and someone goes, and there's like an Arndale center? Nothing's going to be there, is there, is there, is there, is there, there, their nothing their nothing's going their nothing's going to be there is it so there's no well I'll tell you what is there okay there's these various small tribes okay this guy goes to is amazing right now the thing about these is that up until the 60s and even more recently some of

these tribes are still cannibals they're still cannibalistic okay eating people from other tribes this is going on now get going on now it's generally stopped but it's th. th. th. th. to th. to gn only th. th. It's gnally th. It's gnally th. It's gnally th. It's gnally th. It's gno. It's gno. It's gno. It's gno. It's gno. It's gno. It's going going going thi. thi. It's going going th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's going on. It's going th. It's going th. It's going th. It's going th. It's going th. It's going th. It's going. It's going th. It's going. It's going. It's going. It's going thi. It's going to to the. It's going. It's going thee. I's thee. I's thi. I's thi. I's going. It's going thi. I's going thi. It's going. It's going. It's generally stopped but it still does occasionally occur, all right? So this guy goes to live with them, right? They walk around, you know, obviously naked, except for a little leaf just above their genitals. It's not covering the genitals, it's just above the genitals. Do they know they could move on? Have they got a tell. Or have they seen a It's not the Amish. They haven't chosen this. But what is the difference between the Amish and these people? Well the Amish are a group of people that choose to live in that way.

These people are just essentially untouched by civilization. I mean, they do have interaction with civilization and people do come there, but they still live in this very, weapons, they kill pigs and hogs in the undergrowth. They live in kind of tree houses. They did buy a telly, but there was nothing on because there isn't any broadcasters. They couldn't plug it in. Yeah, because they happened. But there was one guy, okay.

Now he said that his brother was dying, but he said to his brother, what happened? Why are you dying? This th it was a bloke in another village. Okay, he goes over to the other village, he kills this other bloke, right? He goes over to the village, he kills this other bloke, right? He goes over to the village, he eats, he's he's the other village, the village, the other village, their, the village, the village, the village, the village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, the other village, he gets gets gets gets gets gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he gets, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he..... Hea, he. Hea, he. Hea, he. Hea, he. Hea, he. Hea, he. Hea, he. Hea, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he goes, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, hea, he'sthem five pigs. Hang on, who are they giving these pigs to? The tribe? To the tribe of the bloke who he killed, and eight. So five pigs, apparently, made up for the fact that they'd killed all of them. They said, well, hang on, what are you going to do with this bloc? Why are they going to do this? Why don't they? Why don't they just just just just just just, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, who, th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, to, to, to, to, to, to, tho. thoa. tho, tho, they're, they're,, why didn't they call in Kojak? Because he'd have sorted out, wouldn't he? Or who else could they have called in? Colombo would have sorted, wouldn't they? I don't understand. What, are you saying there's two tribes? There's a number of different tribes, aren't there? I've just explained that to you. There's a number of small individual tribes in this dense Papua Pape Pape in Pape in Pape in their pape, Pape, Pape, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, what their, what their, what their, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, co. What, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their. I'. I'a, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll. I'll. I'm their. I'll killed Nate, they said what we don't need her now, we don't want her. So she had to come and live with the murderer of her husband. So she's

living there now, you know, happy as Larry. But could, I mean, what I mean is right, they miles away from anything, but it doesn't sound like the great place to live, right? Could they not move? Could one of them go, do what what, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, to to to to to to to to, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, to to, so, so, so, to, to, their, so, their, so, so, their, their, their, their, to, their, to, to. So, to. So, to. to. to, to, to, to, too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to, some. So, some. So, go, do you know what I'm sick of this? I'm moving or whatever and go to a proper city? How far away is this, these Papa people? To the next, to the next... They're like the Smurfs. They're very like the Smurfs. How many miles away from a place with a normal life going on? But think about this, Carl. Firstly, they don't speak the language. So they don't have any practical skills. They've got no experience of civilization.

So even if they chose to go and live in one of these cities, what can they do? How can they function? They spend, you know, 15 years just trying to figure out what, you know, how everything works. Mind you, I have had the same thought about Inuit. If you live in a house made of ice and eat fish all day and then just stay in for six months, move. I really don't understand why they're living there. I think there's some bacteria that has better life than that. That's got to be offensive. Why?

Okay, how about, this is one of the weirdest things. This is one of the weirdest things, right? I'm sorry. An entire people. Just dismiss. No, no, no, I'm not having to go, but I'm just saying, I wouldn't fancy it, is what I mean. But they don't know of another world.

How can they could, oh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, could, oh I'll tell what, this is boring, I'm tired of hunting for food and eating fish from the river. I'll tell you what, I'd like a world where there's iPods and room service, I'm going to go and move to New York. They're not thinking like that. Oh, very unlikely. You're not going to get any nasty letters from Eskimos or Inuits as they want to be called now. Does an Eskimo ever... Inuit? Do they ever meet like an English person on holiday? And an English person goes, choppy here, isn't it? Or whatever? Well, what do you think? It's just that people go to, you know, Steve said before about places he's been to where people are still walking about with swords and that. People go to these places on holiday now.

They like a little bit of danger. You like to see how the others live. So all I'm saying is we know they exist. The Papa people, maybe people aren't going there. It doesn't sound like the best place. You know, I can't imagine having a tourist, a tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist tourist. board or anything right? But would they accept me if I popped over there and you know with Suzanne so I don't know the weekend break and that. Where are we talking? We talking about the New Guinea? In Papa. Well okay this is this is one of the

things that they do okay which is a tradition you may have to do these their combi right they invert their penises so they push their penis to their their their their their their their their their their penis their their to to to their penis. their penis. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. their their their their p. So. So. So. their pene. their pene. So their pene. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. their. their. to. their. their. their. their. So. their. their. So. their. their. they. the. the. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the. So the. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. inside their bodies. Like a sock. What for? Well, keeps it out of way. Of what? Well, if you run in through the undergrowth, chasing a hog, you don't want it flapping away, you know. But it's also become a kind of ceremonial thing, so if you were over there, you may well have to try it yourself. If you went there, you'd have to try it yourself. But even Caveman had little pants on. their pants. their pants. their pants. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. th. th. the their. th. to th have to try yourself. If you went there you'd have to try it itself. But even Caveman had little pants on. Why haven't they... Whoa! Slow down, rewind. Again, you've been watching the Flintstones. No, no, no, it's just, you know.

Is it a leopard skin pair of pants that's actually quite a... Go on. But it's a well-butt that they wore like bear the the tha thua. like bare pants or whatever. Bear pants? What do you mean, bear pants? No, no, no, no, listen, you are a qualified anthropologist. So what, I mean that, you know, whenever you see him on footage or in a museum. Footage? Yeah, whenever you see that, it's a bit, it's a bit, black and white as well, isn't it, caveman, footage. You always see him wearing a little bit of fur, fur, little pants and that. So what I'm saying is, even though, what year is it to these people in the woods? I mean, I don't know what this conversation is anymore.

He's just clutching at straws. His mind, it's like, it's like, it's like a fly, his mind, isn't it? It's just buzzing round, it's trying to's your mind. It is just like... It's hitting against pieces of information for those you're founcing off. Dazed to Perplex. No, forget it then. The Ricky DeVay Show on Guardian Unlimited. You can't believe you're like, Rick. Paul, the party animal park has been in touch.

Oh, I imagine the kind of New Year part of you was having last night. I don't want to tho. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that that that that that that that that that thi. I thi. I'm that's that's that's that's th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I th. I th. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And that's, that's, that's, that's that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thiiiiiia. Yeah, thia. Yeah, thi. Yeah, I th having last night. I don't want to think about it because it gives me a hangover just thinking about what that dude got up to. That dude got up to. Come on then. Man of life. But anyway, you know, he never stops. He never stopped supplying us with little tidbids. Oh, what's Pee-P done for us now? Remember when we used to, years ago we used to do that thing where we'd read headlines. And sometimes the headline is all you need from the story.

Yeah. And this is what's great about this one. If you're giving a news at 10 style, Bong. And now the news at 10. BONG. Boy waited while doctor rode unicycle. What does that mean? Yeah, well, amazing. A hospital has apologized. A to. the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's was. It's was. It's was. It's was. It's was. It's was. It's was. It's was. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's-month-old boy waited two hours for treatment while a doctor rode up and down a ward on a unicycle.

Paula Dadswell has taken her son James to her local general hospital with suspected gastroenteritis. I should point out now, James was fine, it was not a problem. But she spotted the same doctor later walked over to examine the child. Miss Dadswell said, we took one look at the doctor and said, you must be joking. His face went bright red. A spokeswoman for the hospital said, Of course, we are sorry if distress was inadvertently caused to the mother and we've offered our apologies. But let's also remember that we should related to medical care. Many parents have commented favorably on this approach and indeed about the unicycle. What I love about that story is that it's the most important job in the world

and the most useless. Being a doctor is saving lives it's it's incredible it's so noble. Riding unicycle is the most useless thing you can do. It's it's it's that to me is plate spinning, juggling, yeah. Flame eating. Who goes into plate spinning? Is it like the father going to son, when you've when you've finished university you can take over the business? But I want to be a doctor, look, the plates nearly and you're hooked. And you give it a little push and you're there and you're hooked. It's a dying night. you don't see it as often as you once did. Dad I want to be a doctor. But the plates nearly drop son and unbelievable. But what I can't make out from that story is whether the doctor was, he was, you know,

he'd done the seven years medical training and then they said you're working at this specific hospital, they whipped out the unicy or whether he was practicing or whether he was practicing. Do you know what I think happened? I think the the bloke in charge of the hospital, there was two people off for the job, this fella, who was brilliant, he got first from Oxford, he's amazing and the bloke in charge his nephew. And they both scored the same. He whipped it out, he went have a go, yeah, and he's been practicing, unbelievable. But it's also the idea that if it is indeed something which the hospital is initiated in order to cheer people up, particularly kids, um, I mean, I just, it just seems like a dangerous thing to be doing in a hospital with all Jewish but I think so. You could pull out leads, you Anything can happen. I know yeah they get you to turn your mobile phone off when you go into some ward so please leave your unicycle here

surely. Do not, no unicycles be on this point. If you have a unicycle accident of course great place to be. It is a good place to be. But who rides the unicycle anyway? Do you know what really annoys me? We live near a park. It's a lovely park and on a Saturday for about for about for about for there's some twat hippie with braids, dreadlocks sitting there playing one drum. How can you play one drum? He thinks this is brilliant, this is therapy, it's a boom-bibbibbibbibbibbibbibbibbib. Shut the fuck up! It's nothing, that's not music, it's not percussion, it's not music it's not percussion it's not expressing anything it's just annoying yeah so this is this would be my worst nightmare if you were to take me on an evening out you say Steve we're going tonight right you can't

get out of it you got to do it it it's two hours stomp oh stomp where they put dustbin is on their feet now I mean I've seen a little bit of it on the Oscars yeah it's all right for you you you you you you you you you you you th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thus thus thus thus the the th thus thus the the the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thee th don't know I mean Jesus Christ after about 15 minutes you've had enough of that surely I'm assuming there's not really a story are they bin men no I just wondered how you go you get into that how you start practicing and goes you know what sounds quite good yeah they are they're they're been men yeah yeah I was shopping with Kyle before Christmas and we went around sort of Piccadilly in St. James's and those really beautiful shops around there and I went in one shop we had to

ring a bow to enter. They came down and it's like a iconoclastic sort of shop and they found things from churches and nearly all Russian 16th century pieces onwards. This beautiful carvings and paintings and statues and everything and I was wow by and this bloke clearly loved his work and he was you know enthusing to me about these stuff this is from the 6th century this is Russian this is a and I went I was beautiful and as I was looking around Carl I heard Carl side up for the

the bloke and go what's the newest thing you've got here? Yeah sure that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. that's that's th. And I's th. And I's th. And I's is beautiful. And I's is beautiful. I was beautiful. I was beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is beautiful is is beautiful is is is is is beautiful is is beautiful is that's is is that's is that's is that's is that's is that's is that's is that's is that's is that's that's that's that's that's that's that's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's beautiful bloke and go, what's the newest thing you've got here? Yeah, sure, that's his first thought. I mean, that is the wrong question to ask of a man who's clearly in antiques, proud of the fact he's got 16th century, our kind of classic Russian stuff, to ask, what's the newest thing you've got here? I mean, what sort of question is to to to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask to ask that the that that that that that the that is that? Oh, I don't know, probably the doorbell. I don't know what does he want to say, oh my shirt. What were you thinking? What were you thinking?

I'm just making chat with him because it's a sort of place that I don't think many people go in, right, Steve. When you go up to this shop, right, it's not sat in there, you're not a natural way to say what I come in your shop. He pops down, stands there watching you look around. So it's not a natural way to shop. Sure. Do you know what I mean? It's not nice having a bloke stood there watching you look at all this old stuff and that. So I was kind of making friendly chat. And I think it's an all right question. Because he was he newest thing you've got? And what was the new thing? The other question he asked him? He said, how often do you get new stuff in?

And the book went, every day. And I said to him, why did you ask that? He said, why did you ask that? He said, what's their ta? told? . . because they're not making, he said, because they're not making any new stuff. What does that mean? They're not making any new stuff. But I know for a fact, no one's ever going to go in there and buy the lot anyway.

I mean, I've never seen anything like it. I'm not at any point in my life and I don't think it ever happened, will I go? I need some old Russian wood. It was brilliant. Steve, it was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. It's. It's. It's. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's. It's. It's. It, these things from the 16th century of sort of like saints and monks and they're carved. There's loads of it, it's just all piled up, no one's interested. If I was him I'd go, do you know what, I'm into this but no one else's, close shop? Because seriously, it's just piled up, piles up on piles of like old bits of wood with pictures on it and that. But think of a man, just think of a man 400 years ago that carved this, that carved this, you know?

Nobody wants it, did they? I've never heard anyone say, you know, oh look, it's my birthday coming up. I'll tell you what I'd love. What? A bit of old Russian wood. It doesn't happen. saying they're like I've never overheard someone saying you don't know where the Russian shop is do you? And this is in London where the rates are high. There was this thing right Steve you know again making chat loads of wood we like them old drawings on like... It was like a panel from a church

that someone had painted and I think it was like you know from sort of like 1590 or something and it was this a picture of this saint wasn't it? It was a a like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like a the the th. like like a th. the th. the the th. It's like like like like like like like like like a the the the th. It's like a th. It's like a th. It th. It's like a th. It's like a th. It's like th. It's like th. It's like a their. their. their. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I was like. I. I was like. I'm. I'm. I'm. It's like. It's like...................................................... th. picture of this this saint wasn't it? It could be from any time really. So there's this one there right leaning up against the wall and most of them in there was that Stalin bloke right but there was this little right? Can't you stop with there? Lennon. Right so he was on all these bits of wood and stuff but I saw this other little face right, little fellow with a beard. So I said I was. So th. So th. So th. So the the the the the th. So the the the the th. So the the th. So th. they. So he they. So he was they. So he was they. So he was they. So he was they. So he was there's there's th. So he was th. So he was there's there's there's there's there's there's there. So he's there's there. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he's. So he. So he. So he's th. So he's th. So he's th. So he's th. So he's they. So he's the the the the the the the th. So he's th. So he's the th. the th. the the th. the the the the they. the the they. the the the the the th. So. So. with a beard right so I said who's this bloke here he said oh the story there right he said it's this little fella who went a bit mad also me he got mugged back in Russia this is right in it this is what he said he got that term that I love that term in a 16th century Russian wood. Oh no I'm being mugged.

So he got mugged. He got happy slapped. And he said I've had enough of this, right? And he went to live in the woods, made like a little shed, stayed there, people went to visit him. And like if you got a problem, you knock on his door and you go, oh I'm sick of it. And he'll sort of say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I I I I I I I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I that, I've to say, I've to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th, I've th, I th. th. th, I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the an, and he, and he the an, and he sort of say yeah I know what you mean I've moved out of the city and what have you and he'd make them feel better and then they go again now why has that man got a plaque if he was around now there's no way he'd have a bit of wood with his face on it is what I'm saying if someone got fed up with

living in London or New York or whatever and they go I'm gonna go I'm gonna go and live in the woods people people to their their their their their their their they they they their their they'll they'll their they'll their their their their they'll to to their their to their to to to to to their you're to to their their their you're to to to to their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their they's they's their their they's they's they's they's th. I I I I I th. I I'm th. I'm the. I'm the. I'm ty. I'm ty. I'll ty. I'll ty. I'll ty. I'll theee. I'll thee. I'll they're the.'m going to go and live in the woods. People wouldn't visit him and he won't get a piece of wood with his face on is what I'm saying. But this man is selling it for about, I think it was about 750 quid for this bloke's head. Is that having a love? Because it's 400 years old and beautifully painted. But the chances are that this is either a well-known Russian folk tale or it may even be a piece of classic Russian New Yorker. He was a saint. He was a saint. He was a saint. Oh yeah that's saint. Everybody was a saint years ago. That seems to be like thrown about don't it? He was a saint. Who's a saint? thrown about it? Who's a saint? this year. Who's a saint?

Who's a saint? Who's a saint? Nguy. N' It's done nothing, if anything, he sort of said, I can't be bothered with living in a city with everyone else, everyone else has got to put up with it, but I can't put it with it, I'm going to live in the woods. Well if you can't put up with it, you're not good enough, are you? You've got no stamina. And yet he gets a plaque, that, and a lot of bad things that I think I couldn't do that carrying lungs about and all that. No, but I couldn't do, do you know what I mean? That's one job that my man wanted me to be a doctor.

Wow! What was she thinking? Oh, what's her expectations like now? Oh, when did she start giving up that dream? At what age did she start going, car you don't need to to to to to to to to to to to the lungs to the lungs the lungs to the lungs the lungs the lungs to the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs the lungs thuonsons lungs the lungs lungs lungs their lungs thugs thugs thuonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsonsons lungs their lungs lungs their lungs lungs lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their lungs their their their their their their the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms the worms to thuas? thoooooooooo thooooooooooooo. thooooooooooons. thu. thuans. thuasks. thu. thu far from the tree? When did she start giving up that dream? At what age did she start going, Kyle, you don't need to study your books anymore. Go and play with the worms in the garden. When did she sort of like let you off that dream? Is it the day that she caught you with a spoon up your nose? Who are you?

Nobody. of the office, Ricky Chavez and Stephen Merchant. Extras, the first series now on DVD. Who are you? Nobody? What's that? Who? Nobody? Nobody. Nobody.

So, I'm not. the stars skier, I can't. You are guaranteed an Oscar if you play a mentor. I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could thin. the th anyone you know. Is there any nudity in it? Well, it could be. Men or women. I don't. Well, just women.

I will make it so. A painfully funny double disc. Extras on DVD now. That was a good advert, wasn't it? I'm just remembering someto the shop yeah definitely you could walk straight into any kind of shop that high street shop and say excuse me if you got extras on DVD I've got some vouchers and exchange them for a copy of the of the of the the the the and and that and that's that's big in that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's big in that's big in that's big in that's big in that's big in that's big in that's big in that's that's big in that's that's that's that's that's the that's that's the that's the that's the the the the the the the the the the to to to to to to to to to that's to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the shop shop the the shop the the shop the shop to to to to to to to to the shop to the shop the the the guess, you know, the great place to buy that would be on, you know, say one of the website, Amazon or one of the internet's trying to come. Dot com or dot co.

Or play. And I mean, if it's going the way to the office, which is the most successful British sitcom ever, I mean, I'd invest now, I'd invest now. DVD the first year it came out. Get a first edition of the DVD. Get a first edition of the DVD. And there's their great extras on there you see Sam Jackson and Kate Winslet and Ben Stiller. Rick, there's some wonderful behind the scenes footage and there's some wonderful little documentaries about you know the making of the show. I mean to me it just makes perfectamels. More flannamels is available now. Yeah, I don't get any money from that so I'm not I'm not gonna talk about that. No. Just buy flannamels, more flannamels. Okay, extras. Yeah, exactly. Coming up the mega dance remix of I could eat a knob at night.

Plus of course monkey news. Yeah. And you know if you've got any monkey news by the way just just email it in what is it? Podcast at Rickage of Ace dot com. That's right. But don't be asking any questions about monkeys and that because there's too many people they're asking about what's going on in monkey world and that and I can't, I can't do it. Well you're going to bring up any kind of monkey information. If they need the the the to to the to the monkey to to to the monkey to the monkey th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. the the the the th. the tho to to to be their their their their tho. their their podcast. their podcast. their podcast podcast. to be to be to be to be to be their podcast podcast podcast. their podcast. their podcast. their podcast. their podcast. their podcast. I their th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I's podcast. I's tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. It's their too. I'm podcast. I'm podcast. I'm podcast. I'm podcast. I'm podcast. I'm podcast. I'm podcast. I'm their their their their their their they need to know about it, every week, but it's just that a lot of people, you know, they've got a taste for it. Do what else? Talking of monkey news, if you want to learn more about Carl, we've just put up a big biography and there's some pictures that you haven't seen before of Carl Pilkington, and you can go to Ricky Joveys dot comb-and and the their and their and their and their and their and their and th, and th, and th, and their, and th, and th, and th, and th, and thi, and thi, and thi, and thi, thi, thi, thi, though, thi, thi, they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they've they've they've they've they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they, they'll their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they're they're they're they're thi, tho' tou, to' to' to' to' to' to'lou, to'lipo'l, they're they're they're they're theying of emails and that, right? Nick Decker, who's

emailed from Australia, right, Melbourne, he's been going on about dolphins and that, problems with dolphins. What problems? He's just saying when that wind happened. What the wind happened? What? It was like a bad wind thing going on? And it was not your Aunt Nora again? There was, there was a load of dolphins was like a bad wind thing going on. Not your auntie Nora again. There was a load of dolphins in like a bay. Hold a minute, what bad wind? In America. They had that. Hurricane Katrina? Yeah. Right. And there was like a little bay with dolphins in it and like with all guns on them and stuff. Oh, whoa, whoa, woo, rewind. Do you know, they use dolphins, don't they? They say they're intelligent animal and stuff.

Yeah. And they've got them all like, you know, they've all had the training, they're all like ready for battle and stuff. Right. Got like rifles? What do you mean rifles? They've got weapons. How mean it's on a strap? I don't know what they cut them out with, but they're just ready for war. What are you talking about? Listen, though, that isn't the point, don't worry about it. Oh, we leave that one, do we? That's not the point, so let's leave it? So they're swimming about, of the little bay yeah still all kitted out with all the you know weapons you're talking bollots

Steve do you want to look at the well there's no way there's loads of dolphins now swimming round kitted out with guns and that with a strap how can a dolphin hold a whoa again you've been watching planet of the apes they just they just say you, they say they're an intelligent animal on that. Yeah. People are trusting them, right? Really? Look, oh, it's a dolphin.

Oh, he's trying to talk to us. What's he saying? He's saying, go ahead, punk. the day. You're talking shit. it's friendly because there's some way weapons now. So I'm just I'm just reading it out on email that's that will cover it in that so. Bullocks. And more animal stuff right? Your girlfriend Jane right? When I was around that either night she was talking about they're getting closer to doing the mammoth.

Oh yeah they're genetically engineering it they've They're a few sort of million bits and pieces away but they reckon they're going to be able to build a living mammoth within two years, yeah. Really? Yeah, apparently. What sort of? What do you think, what? What do you think, Carl? Do we need them? What do you mean? Well, is it worth messing about? Because I always think, well, whoever's like knocking one of these together, right? They must be pretty bright. Yeah. So whilst they're messing about with an airy elephant,

is it, could they be doing more useful stuff that the world needs? Well, it's sort of like, you know, it's fascinating. Even if it, on the face of it it looks pointless, which it rarely is scientific discovery, it's it's about conquering nature, isn't it? I mean, that's amazing, isn't it, that you could bring a mammoth back? What are the implications to bring in a mammoth back, you know? Could they aid the workload? Could they feed the starving?

You know, there's applications. Well, I'm not saying anything. I'm saying that rarely is scientific discovery pointless in a waste of time in the greater scheme of things. We learn from this don't we? The fact that it can map DNA of a mammoth what are the implications there? Could we bring back Churchill? Could we bring back Nelson? Would we want to? Is it moral? That's another question. But the feet alone I don't mean we we feet. I don't mean we can bring back Malice feet. The guitar that was what he was thinking when his eyes move.

Yeah. I meant the achievement alone is remarkable. Putting a man on the moon, pointless. But what a feat? But don't you think... Not impressed by putting a man on the moon? No, we're chatted. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their the. I thatting. I thatting. I don't thatheatheatheate. I don't the. I the. I don't the. I don't the. I don't the feet's the feet's the feet's the feet's the feet's feet's feet's feet. I's feet. I's feet. I's feet. I's feet. I's the feet. I's the feet. I's the feet. I's the feet. I's the feet. I's the feet. I's the the the the the their their their their their their their feet. It's the. It's thin. It's theatheatheatheatheatheate. It's feet. It's feet. It's the. It's feet. It's feet. It's feet. It's the. It's feet. It's theateate by putting a man on the moon? No we've chatted about the man on the moon, you know, some people like it, some don't, I'm not gonna argue about it, do you know what I mean? If you were behind it and that good on you, but I'm not that fuss I don't think we've learned that much from it. He went all that way, popped a flag up, the the the the the the fanny. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that is is that. that. that. that. to to to that is that. that. to th. th. th. th. We' th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're th. We're to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. We's is. We's is. We's is. We's is. We's is. We're to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that that that that that that the the that they. they. they. they. they. they. the the the the that. We're We conquered space. We just conquered space. That's what we do. We see what we can do. Why climb a mountain? Because it's there. What's at the bottom of the ocean?

Yeah, but I don't agree with people who climb out in for the sake of it. It's all right if you've got to get over it. But don't go up and as they don't strain the emergency services. If you're a posh bloke going at the mountain and you get stuck, you're an idiot. And then it's, you know, people would have to risk their lives going to rescue you because you wanted to laugh. I agree with that actually. But don't you think the world's busy enough? It's like you can't hardly move. You know, you can't hardly move. And mammoths are taking up quite a bit of room if a load of them come back. We've already got elephants, which in my eyes are good enough. They do, you know, they carry stuff about and that.

What's going to be better a mammoth or an elephant? Because I can see that one of them is going to have to go at some point. If like we start running out of elephants, would they say all it doesn't matter we got mammoths and stuff so what's the point? You don't need anyone else in the room for a conversation do you? No, no, but what... He's arguing with himself. He's arguing with his own head. Amazing. Where would you put the mammoth?

If they get it going, right? Yeah. They'd pop it on the Apes and Frankenstein. In his head they've got an elephant, they've sort of, they've put some carpet tiles over it and they're trying to bring that back to life as a mammoth. Yeah. I forget it then. Carl, can we have some monkey news before I die?

Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news you're freaking. This week what I thought I'd do right because we're getting loads of emails from people who haven't really heard much of the monkey news that I've done in the past right and a lot of people are sending through one of the first ones that I did that that was a good monkey news I think it's worth hearing again just in case you forgot about it's it's sort the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. th. It's th. It's to to to to to to to to to to to th. It's th. I'm to th. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. thi. th. th. I's th. th. th. th. th. th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to t. I'm t. I'm te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. today. I'm today. I'm t was a good monkey news. I think it's worth hearing again just in case you forgot about it because it's sort of classic monkey news I don't know if you want a different jingle. Well no I mean this is you know if it's anything that you've ever said it's not true anyway so carry on. Well it was a true one because this is the one that like it's like world

known monkey the monkey it's the most popular one. A lot of people people people people people was knocking about called Ollie, it's called Oliver. And it was in this zoo and it was the only monkey in there, right? Oh this is one they think was the missing link? It was half human, half ape. That program on television was, because it was I had balled out. It looked like you, which doesn't mean it's half anything. It might have been that one. What happened is it was in the zoo and stuff and it was getting a bit lonely because like it was sharing its sort of time with say an elephant and a giraffe and there. No, it doesn't happen. And they didn't really get on that one. Wait, wait, wait. They do not put, they do not put chimpanzee. They do not, they do not put chimpanzee. They do not. They do not put, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the. It was, the. It was, the. It was, the. It was, the. It was, the. It was, the. It was, their, their, true. Why do the share is time of an elephant or a giraffe? It was some kind of flat share, they put an advert in the student union. Yeah, you know, we've got two rooms to let.

African mammal wanted. Not specific. A mammoth and it. What I'm saying is, there was other elephants to knock on that. The monkey, it was fed up and that. And like you say, I think he went a bit bald because he was bored and that. So he started to sort of get palli with him. So at lunchtime when the zookeeper was sat on the wall having his like, and butties or whatever, it's sort of going, all right? And it used to come and to the wall having his lunch with him, right? And... What wall?

Just a little wall in the zoo. So he let the monkey out. The monkey could come and go, he had his own door key. And he just, just near where the monkey is it used to just pop in over. Oh, these blinking monkeys. I know, yeah. He was threatened he was, yeah. And anyway, as time went on, because the zookeeper, back then, zoos weren't as popular as they are now, so it was only kind of, it was him on his own really.

So he found like the monkey was the closest thing to another. This is a true thing, I mean, this is one, I'm saying a lot of people. But the height of popularity for zoo surely. But the height of popularity for zoo surely. But anyway, but the the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, but the height, the height, it's, the height, their, their, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they.. It's they. It's they. It's the the the they. It's, the the they. It's, they. It's, the the the the the on, you're sort of, you know, picking up on little things that are important, it doesn't matter. But anyway, so he sat there and as time goes on, you know, he's sort of sat with him most of the day. Monkey's walking around with him helping feed the other animals and that. But then what happened is the zoo, at the the end of the night when he's like locking up and stuff, it's they they they they's, it's, it's, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, he's, he's, they, he's, he's, he's, he's, they, they, they, they, thin, thin, thin, their, so thee, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, the the the th so, so, so, he's, so, he's, he's, he's, he's they's, he's they's they. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's they. He's, he's they. He's they. He's they's the the try, he's zoo and like Ollie sat there and he's like I'll see you tomorrow and the monkey's like, yeah, see later. Looking all fed up because he's got home to go to and he's still stuck in his, where he's basically working every day.

He's never going home, right? Now he's sleeping at work, so anyway, so, the zoo keeper goes home. So anyway, the zoo keeper goes home, says to his wife, look, Ollie's having a bit of a time at the moment. She said, oh yeah, what's going on? He said, well, he's just looking a bit fed up, you know, he's sick of it. So, she said, bring him home. So, he said, well, I did what I asked, but I didn't want to force it, you know, like three to say, oh, yeah, he's this conversation..... This conversation, he. This conversation, he. This. This. This. This. This. This. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's. He's, he's. He's, he's. He's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's just, he's, he's just, he's just, he's just. He's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, he's just, yeah, bring it home tonight. So anyways, he's looking forward to going into work and that. He sees Ollie, he doesn't tell him straight away. Like, it's a surprise for him later.

So, so, they go through the day, you know, usual stuff, feeding elephants and all like, gets to the point when it's looking at him like as if to say, well, there you go, another day, another busy day in that. What does he know? See you tomorrow and stuff. Anyway, he's like, get your coat. He's like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Get your coat? Whatever the equivalent is, right? Whatever you say to a monkey, it was kind of like, you know, you're coming, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, see, so. see, so. see, so. see, to, see, to, to, to, see, to, see, see, to, see, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to see, to see, see, to see, see, he's going brilliant? He takes it on, right? He gets his hat and coat and he can't believe his life, right? He goes back to the zookeeper's house,

everything's going well for about a week and a half, right? Is he got a room? He still goes like to work and stuff, to the zoo, to the zoo. He doesn't work there!, so anyway he's back at the house and it's going well for about a week and a half, treating him really well, he's sat there, you know, he's having a brandy at night before he goes to bed. Zookeeper noticed that when he took it back to work, it was kind of getting flashbacks of not having a good time in the zoo, right? So he was like, this isn't helping him out. He's happy when he's at home with the brandy and the fags and that. When he comes back here, starting to look a bit fed up. So he said to his wife, look, you're at home all day, right? I'm going to work, I'll leave it with you, right? So Ollie stays at home. Anyway, as time goes on, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, while while, a little bit of, a little bit of, a little bit of, a little bit of they.. they. they. they. they. A little bit of, they. A little bit of they. A little bit of they. A little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little, they. their, they. A little bit of a little bit of a little, their. A little, their. A little, they. A little, they. A little, their. A little, their. A little bit, a little bit, a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of, a little bit of, a little bit of, while, while, while, while, a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of tri-au. A little bit of trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit trouble, a little bit paying the bills on that for Ollie at home,

Ollie starts getting a little bit cheeky, tries it on with the missus. Right, whoa. Right. How does a monkey try on with the missus? This is classic monkey news. How does it try on with the misses? So he's a bit drunk, he stinks of smoke, he tries it on with a missus. How does he try it on with her? I don't know all the detail on that bit. You don't know any of the details. I don't know the detail on that bit. You don't know any of the details.

So what happened? So while the zoo keepers away, the monkey did play, what happened? Did the, did the, did the, did the, did the, what, the, the, the, the, the, the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I don't, I, I. I, I, I, I, I. I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I. I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I, I, I. I, I, I. I. I, I, I. I, I. I. I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't know, I don't, I don't know, I don't, I don't know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, like, you know, a little bit of fun, I suppose. She probably went along with it at first, you know, she's cooking at home, getting a tea ready, that's walking past, pinching her ass or whatever. And it's, do you know, I mean, it starts off, just like it does, you know, with humans, starts off as a bit of fun, before you know it, you know, you know, split up in the end. The zoo keep the the the the the the the the end up, the end up, the end, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you know, the the, the the the, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, that's, th. that's, th. And, that's, that's, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, there. Honestly, your imagination, you should write stories, you should write stories, you should write, you know. Get people to look it up. It's just put in monkey, chimp, Ollie, and it's all there. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Happy New Year, particularly to those great guys at Positive Internet for hosting this podcast.

Dynamite. The world's number one podcast, thanks to the guys at Positive Internet. So check out Ricky Gervais.com to check out Carl's head. You know, go and buy extras and flannels. Check it out on flannels. Oh come on unless you're shameless. Extra is still available. Fridge, freezer for sale, 400 pounds or nearest offer. Steve Merchant wishing you a happy New Year. I'm sure Carl Bougain wants to reciprocate that. Yeah. Yeah. And do you know what I want to wish him? I want to wish them a flantastic new year. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, a, a, a, a hirie, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and, a, a, a thrie, and Nobagnite. Nobagny. Nobagny. Acknowednawagne.

Nobagnan. Nobagnan. Nobagne. A Criet nobagnan. Nobagny. Nobagny. Nobagny. Nobana. Nobana. Nobana.

Nobanan. Nobanan. A new nabananan. Nobana Nobanan Nobah nanny. A nobana . Nobagnar. Nobagnar. A new nomenar.

Acry and nobagnan. Acre new agnoban. A new gnavagan. A new nabanity. A new nomenis. Acry the new nomenis. A-cree nobahs. Acre the new nomenen.

A new n-nobah. Right, you're talking shit, explain yourself. Right, you're talking shit, explain yourself. Right, you're talking shit, explain yourself. Right, you're talking shit, explain yourself.