The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E6 (January 9, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited Welcome to the sixth podcast in a series of 12. The Ricky Jovey show available online with me Ricky Javay's, Steve Merchant and Carl Pilkington. Halfway through after this then Carl. You enjoying it? It's all right, no. It's had a great response with the number one podcast in the world. We've had thousands of emails and messages and it's just great to know that people all around the world are listening, don't you think?

Yeah. It's great, isn't it? I should just point out Rick that we've had a few emails, including one from Mark Pavlidis that says that some of the people listening on the enhanced podcast, so you know these fancy people, super rich people who can afford that one, apparently sometimes if they try to pause the show halfway through, it sort of freezes and they've got a problem re-starting it and he's saying that apparently you should just hold down menu and select and that'll reboot it. So I don't know if. I can't believe it. This is like a book that you can't put down. What have they got that it's better to do with that's fine? I don't know. What can be better to listen to Carl's drivel and his stupid theories? Unbelievable. We've got a little email straight away Carl from Nicky in Beverly Hills, California. She says,

Carl, you rock. I hate it when Ricky and Steve ridicule you. I checked out your picture on Ricky Joveys.com. Although your head is not normal, that's no reason to ridicule you. You look Gimp, but I never judge a book by the cover. Cheers. That's all what you've got to say. Well, it's only because I've got no air though, isn't it?

That's why it gives that effect. No, it's perfectly round your head. It's perfectly spherical head, your face is slightly too big for it. It always goes over the, almost goes over the sides. Perfectly round head, pug little gimp like a little lamprey, not formed, like human formed. The way your expression is like you've had a lobotomy, your head goes weird at the back, it's got a little nod in it like a, it's really strange your face and you're stupid. We've had a lot of emails saying that. I mean I think he's just paraphrasing but I'm talking of emails, you know a couple of, I can't remember which show it was but you mentioned, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it is, it, it is, it is like, it is like, it, it is like, it is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like you, is like, is like, is like, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is th. It is th. It is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is like, is th, is th, is, is th, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you th.. It, you've th. It, you've th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the the the the the the the the the thi. the the the to, is, is, is, the, thi, paraphrasing but I'm talking of emails you know a couple of

I can't remember which show it was but you mentioned Carl that you'd only recently seen a Chinese homeless person oh yeah and it really surprised you because you'd never seen a Chinese homeless person and I actually went along with that I've never I've still never seen a Chinese homeless person well that's other than obviously people contributing muggy news the search for Chinese homeless people has been overwhelming on the email. People are just, I mean, people are actually going out looking for Chinese homeless people. Now I can just tell you now, that's just tell you now, that's a few responses

from Los Angeles, people saying there are quite a lot of Chinese homeless people over there, because apparently there's a huge homeless community in Los Angeles. So definitely if you want to see them, Carl, that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. That's th. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. I'm their, their, their, their, their, their, their. People are are are are actually their, their, their, their, their, their. People are actually, their, their, their, their. People are actually, their, their, their, their. People are are are are are are are are are are actually are their, their, their, their, their, their. People are actually, their. People are actually, their. People are actually, their. People are actually, their. I's, their. I'm actually, to to to their. People are actually, their. People are actually, their. People are actually, their. People are actually, their. People are actually, that's the place to go. But we've had one from Vancouver, Canada, from a girl called Amy, and Amy herself is Chinese, and she says that she realized herself that she'd never really seen a Chinese homeless person, and although she says that apparently Vancouver has the first or second largest Chinese population in Canada, she'd never seen them, and she actually went for a China town in her area, looking for them and she could to......... And, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, and she, and she, and she, to, the, and she, and she, and she's, and she's, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, th. And, th. And, to, to, to, toe.a.a.a.a.a. toe. toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, toe. And, to. And, her area looking for them and she could not find any on that particular day so again Canada obviously not a place to go for a Chinese toy. It was just a point though I don't want people sort of. Well hold on though wait I'll stop you there. Hello Ricky Stephen Carl I live in New York City and have seen a Chinese homeless person not only is he Chinese but he is also a midgett he's been living on the streets for the last 30 years.

He used to dressing rags, but thanks to a coat drive, he's now wearing a fancy Adidaskit jacket, right? Now he encloses a picture. He says he gave him ten bucks to take the picture, and I've seen it, and he's a little Chinese midget fellow. I'm just getting a bit worried that people are going out there, sort of looking for these. Because that, you know, that's what you requested. No, no, no, but all I was saying is I saw one. I didn't start saying, excuse me, can you just give us a smile? I'm taking your picture. You know what I mean? You know, loads of pictures. I know, and it worries me a little bit. It's not too bad about the one who took one who the one the one th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. I that. that that. that that that that that that that's that's what I was that's what I was that's what I was that's what I was. That's what I was. That's what I was. That's what I was. That's that's that's what I was. That's what I was. That's what I was. That's what I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was the the the the the the the that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's that that's he kicked off it'd be quite easy to hold him back. But I'm talking about fully grown. So is that your warning to people? Don't be taking pictures of fully grown Chinese homeless? Well yeah I'm just saying you know don't be messing about going up to strangers and that and annoying them and stuff. Right? Well I think that's a good rule of phone don't annoy them but I mean but that is a hell of a sighting of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sight of a sighting. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't th. Don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't th. Don't don't th. Don't th. Don't don't don't th. Don't don't don't don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't th. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't is a th. Don't is a th. th. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. th. th. Don't th. that is a thi. thi. t. tha. tha. Don't tha. Don't tha. Don't tha. Don't tha. Don't th. Don't th. asked for a Chinese homeless and they gave us a Chinese midget homeless. Many of the listeners are aware of a car that

you're sort of fascinated by by smaller people. Well he's fascinated by different I think. I think he's having a go at people you. You're not having a go. When you sort of stare at someone you don't look like you and let's face it most people don't look like you you was never having a go. It was just, oh that's different. But you know, like you know Steve, I was never having to go. It's just that thing of, oh, all right, interesting. What do you mean? No, just, you know, I've said before about when I saw Steve and what have you now, I've got used to it and it's the same. Steve, you know my feeling with this. I don't don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, Ito go either. Carl used to carry around a book that was called the Top 50 Freaks of all time. Well it's interesting you should mention that because we actually had an email from Richie who says that he's been a fan of ours for many years and he's listened to lots of the

radio shows you've done in the people from your, you know, odd magazines. Who would you most like to spend the day with, of all those people that you've encountered? Um, favorite, favorite of all. Well, certainly who you would want to spend time with who you feel would be the most fascinating, the most interesting. You know, I mean, let's just recap on their. Well, there's a pillow man with no legs, not impressed with it. That's not sufficient. What about the three-legged juggler? So hang on, let's just recap from for new listeners.

This was a man with three legs? Three legs, right? And it's had his job he became a juggler. Okay. Not using the, you know, what are the others? What are the other ones? I was a picture of a gentleman. You were fascinated by him, he used to play the piano.

Oh, yeah, that's the one who, he sort of ages fast. Right. So like every other week he's having a birthday, he's sort of a birthday. And, um, yeah, that was weird. He's not having a birthday every other week. His body's just age, so as the appearance, his biology is sort of like, like he's 70, but he's only like 15. He doesn't, they don't have a birthday every week. You idiot. Yeah, I don't know about knocking about with one a long time though, that's...

Only for a day. Yeah, I don't know about knocking about we won a long time though that's... Only for a day? Yeah. Um, I suppose it depends what I'm up to. Because if, you know, if we're going out and about the pillow man would just be a bit of a drag. Whereas, you know, if you're going for a walk across, you know, the three-legged guy, ideal. Oh. The Ricky Javais Show, on Guardian Unlimited for a walk across, you know, the three-legged guy. Ideal. So, yeah. Oh. The Ricky Javace Show on Guardian Unlimited. Lots and lots of people emailing just with questions for Carl.

People just want to get his opinion on stuff. So if you have questions for Carl, keep them coming in, podcast at Ricky Javais. We can't really reply to your emails, but we read them so we really appreciate them coming in. Just a couple of quick ones for you Carl Wendy says if Carl had to eat the same dinner every day for the rest of his life what would what would he? She mentioned this because she was having Christmas dinner and it was a big, you know, she loves Christmas dinner. I mean the roast dinner, I mean the roast dinner. The the roast dinner is the king of roast dinner, yes. Yes. Yes. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the same the same the the the same the same the same the the same the same the the same the the same the the the the same the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tha thi thi thi. thi. throoa. throa. throa. the the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the same the king of roast dinners. Yes, but you can't have one every day. No it's absurd. It's brilliant. We have three meats in our Haysfield. It's unbelievable. The amount of meats is just amazing. It's just a plate of meat. It's just me. With one Brussels sprout, one token Brussels

Sprout and the gravy. Oh. Oh. You see it depends, don't it? I mainly eat just so I keep going. I'm not that bothered about. Because I don't really taste it anyway, I just shove it down. Like a horse. But at what point did it become important that things were sort of seasoned or garnished to go with it and stuff. At the end of the day we're all eating, aren't we? So you can move about and that and you've got energy. Well we need to know what we're tasting don't we? Because we need to have certain things. We need sugar, we need salt. So we need to know what they taste like to know we're getting them. No, we've got chefs.

So leave that up to them to make sure we're getting a savl. And how it it it it it it it evolved their it evolved their it evolved their it evolved the to make sure, you know, we're getting safe food. I mean, to be honest, it annoys me the way people worry about food now and how there's so much to choose from. I think it's got out of hand. I watch. Any form of choice really worries you doesn't it. You don't like choice. No, choice is good but not too much. It's like with anything now if you go into a to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to, you're to to, you're to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, you, you, you, you're, you're, you, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're to, you're it? No choice is good but not too much. It's like with anything now if you go into a toffee shop there's like loads. Sorry, where are you going to find a toffee shop? You're in a fairy tale. Yeah, you're in a Dickens tale in the 19th century. You're in Shrek and you go into a toffee shop. What I'm saying, you go into a shop full of toffee. You just come from the candlestick, man, care. Right? You go in there and it's just too

much choice. It's like what, and I can stand there up to like four minutes, so I'll go in. Up to four minutes. So, I'll go in. So he's in a tofy. So he's in a tofy shop in a top hat. Well he's only got four minutes because you've got to get down to the pea-green boat. So he's saved off of it. No, but forget the toffi. Could I have some of your finest Oxford Shire toffies? So you'd prefer it was just one selection of toffi. That's all they've got to. menu in a restaurant it's not like you don't just go oh right what is the yeah I'll have that there's too much it's like a book now isn't it and you look at it all and then you've got to that point now that people are even taking a risk when they're eating

what do you mean you know in in Japan or China or something they're eating that fish that if it's not cooked right it can kill you all right? Not worth the risk when there's so many other fish. Yeah, I agree. Why the... I have a bit of cod or whatever. As soon as it's a risk, take it off. I agree! I totally agree! Not what is it? Not worth it.

We've got a fish that might or might not kill you. Well, um, is there anything that definitely won't kill you? I love the chicken. That's what I'm saying. The Ricky DeVace Show on Guardian Unlimited. But anyway, we're talking about sayings and that. Stitching, time saves nine. Don't, you know, I'm never going to use that I don't think anyway. Okay. Because Suzanne does it. Susan repairs me stuff anyway. But what about the one, um, about the one in green houses and that? People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones? Yeah. What is? What is? that confusing? that's a lot clear, isn't it? It's sort of saying don't be chucking stuff about if you're surrounded by glass and what have you? Yeah, but don't

forget it's an analogy, it's a metaphor, it's not to be taken it's not really just talking to people who live in glass houses it's saying... Hang on sorry before you say that Rick I just I'm intrigued to know if he's fully got to grips with this just give us your explanation again of what you take that to mean? Well just don't we chucking stuff about it maybe they're not well that th. th. th. th. th. Well. Well. Well that's that's thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi to thi to to to to the they. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their they. they. the the the the the they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. thi thi thi thi thi the. the. thee. theeee. theeeeeean thean thean thean theann' to theee. the. the. the. th well if that was it, they just say that. No, no, but that saying's been around a lot longer than we think that's when people probably did live in basic glass houses and stuff. What they mean now? What they mean now? Now, no, what they mean now?

So this they went, cavemen went from rock to a nice crystal structure, did they? What are you talking about? When did people live in glass houses? What they mean now, when that saying is used now, they mean sort of, you know, plasmatellies, ornaments. No they don't. You're saying don't chuck stuff about, because you'd make it. No, it's not about damaging your own property. They don't mean you're inside go at people if you yourself have got More to lose do you know I mean it means it could be it could be anything Don't don't start a war where you could come off bad as well. It's about how fragile your situation is if you live in a glass house Metaphorically don't throw stones at someone else because when he throws it back at you your house is More easily damaged than his again

Metaphorically it doesn't mean that if you're living in a glass house Or in a house with other precious objects you don't in your own home throw bricks about because that was that was try to reach that phrase I mean, let's be honest. What kind of a mental case? I think we've got the crux to this right. I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I think I th think I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I th. I thin. I thin. I thin. I thin. I thin. I don't thin. I thro. thro. I don't thr- I don't thro. I thro. I thro. thro. thrown. thrown. thr. thr. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. tho. tho. to. to. the. the. the. the. thooooooo. the. the. the. the. th I was trying to reach that phrase. I mean let's be honest what kind of a mental case. You know what I think we've got the crux to this right I think I cannot answer right? Carl what is an analogy? It's sort of like a little story told quickly, isn't it? It's a little story told quickly. To what end? Well it depends what the story is. Okay. Give me an analogy. Well for me I thought a one with the green house. Yeah. It's no, it's a greenhouse. It performs with the glass house. Yeah. Yeah. All right, then a glass house. Okay. Right. Do what I mean is that glass house is metaphorical. It's about the fragility of your situation as compared to your aggression or your...

You see, I just prefer, sort of, you know, what you say is what you mean, so people in, who live in a glass house have to answer the door. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. I mean you may be a genius because I don't get that. People live in glass houses have to answer the door. Let's hear his explanation. Because the people knocking up the door will be able to see you because it's a glass house. But what? But you literally mean, there's no the analogy there or metaphor for you. You literally mean if you live in a glass. the glass. the glass. There, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, to to to to to to to to th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, to, to, to to, to to to, people, to to to to to, people, people, to to, to to, to to, to to to to to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the. People their, their, their, their, their their, their to the to to to to to to to to to to to th. and someone knocks the door. So there's no there's no hidden meaning there is there? Well normally. You have to add a number of other things another other cave. Surely if you live in a glass house don't walk around naked. Yeah. If you live in it. These are literal. See if you know you could make you could actually make that

into quite a nice saying there because if that meant, if someone said that to me and they weren't a shaved chim, right, if they said people who live in glass houses have to answer the door, I think that means, oh yeah, it means that there are no secrets, you can't hide behind anything. If you're very open, if you've chosen to be totally open all the time, you can't go back on it. So people, if you wear everything everything tha everything everything everything on everything tha tha th. th. th. th. A they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're th. they're they're th. th. that. they're they're they're they're they're they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll they'll their. their. their. their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. theeeee. theeeeeeat. theeeeeeeeeat. theeee. they're they're the., if you shout around and you tell the truth, then you can't go back on it, they can see they can see through you. You can mean that as well, yeah. Oh, that's handy. But just the idea that in your head there are, you need, that there should be sayings for people who live in glass houses. Who is it that's, who is, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, th, the, the, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thri, thri, thr-a, thr-a. thruu. thi, they thr-a. they can, they can thi, thi, thi, th about me, it's just that if everyone else is bringing up about these people who are living in glass houses, let's get to the real problems they've got. He still hasn't got to grips with the idea of the metaphor the simile. People who live in glass houses should live near a glazier.

Well here's another saying, right, that I learned recently from a mate, right? Well, there's an elephant in the room. there. Well, well, oh, oh, well, oh, oh, well, oh, oh, well, well, oh, well, oh, well, oh, oh, oh, well, well, well, oh, well, well, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the the the the the the the the the the th th th th that that that that that, is, is a that, is a they. the the th they. the, the the, the the that, there's an elephant in the room. Okay, I haven't heard that one, but explaining it to me. It's like when something's going on in a room, right, but no one's mentioning it because everyone's a bit too sort of... But in a way it's better that it's out. It's like how, you know, whenever we go out for something to eat or a drink or something, it normally after about five minutes the sort of topic gets on to the shape of my head. Yeah, yeah. Well I can't resist the shape of your head. Right, so you're happy talking about it. It's not just the shape though, is it? It's the state of it as well. Outside and in. I mean it's it's a fascinating little objee to his head. It's perfectly perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's the their. It's the the the the the the the the the the shape. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's the. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's perfectly. It's got no hair where it should have and it's hollow. The features are slightly too small for the face. Yeah, unbelievable. No, but what I'm saying is, it's interesting now like, I'm the elephant in the room, right?

Nobody's talking about it. You mention it once, suddenly it's a talk of the town. It's what I mean, everybody starts joining in, going, well, yeah well yeah it is round but it does suit you and these are people who I don't even know sometimes and they're all dipping in and that is an elephant in the room. So you don't want people to discuss the shape of your head or the lack of hair you would feel better you'd feel happy that they didn't mention it. Sometimes I think it's better that it's out there it's made me a stronger person though it's out there. It's made me a stronger person though. It's the same way, you know, we're talking about religion and that. Samson Delilah, he got weaker without air, whereas with me, I think it's made me stronger because, you know, it's almost like, it's treated

like a disability. Everybody's sort of mentioning it and talking about it, what's it like having a bald head and you know what I mean? So it's made me stronger. But would you ever wear a wig? Um, not really. What was a long wig like Samson? Well the only time I wanted a wig was when I did jury duty once, right? And it was annoying that I was sat on the jury right in front of like these criminals, right? Everybody else has got disguises, the judges have them wigs on, right? That's not disguised! That's the disguise, that's why that's why that's why that's why that's why that's why that's why the judge. th th th th the judge th th th th th th th th th th th th their their thi's why their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their. their. they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thi. thi. thrug. the. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. thei. they're their they're their theythem wigs on right? That's not disguised! That's the disguise, that's why judges wearing, right? So, no! Well, what if they'd print their name in the paper and have a picture, what do you mean? It's a disguise?

No, if it was a disguise. No, if it was a disguise, if it was disguised, they'd go in with one of those glasses, the glasses, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. That's, thi. That's, that's, that's, thi. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. That's. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. And, their. That's. It's. It's. It's. their. their. their. their. that's why. that's why. that's why. that's why. that's why. that's why. It's why. that's why. It's why. that's why. It's why. That's why. That disguise. Well, I'm just saying that's what annoyed me when I was sat there on the front row, right, I couldn't have been any closer to the criminals, right? I was sat there and I thought, why didn't I just pop a little wig on or a pair of glasses. I thought I'd love to see you in the front row at Crown Court. No because... I don't love to see it the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to have their to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have their their their their their their their their their their throe... their their throoooooooe.. their throoooooe. I the. I the,this country you're not allowed to show pictures of jurors you can't take photos in a courtroom so there's always these sketch artists that draw drawings and it's on the news. The idea that we'd have seen 11 people and a sort of crusty the clown figure would have been amazing. Yeah I would love to see the artist do any of you because it would be like complicated people oh yeah it looks like character for it's a character fort and then just a little round head. Charlie Brown. Yeah Charlie Brown sitting on the end.

Ha ha ha ha ha. You said that your New Year's resolution was that you were going to learn something every day. Yeah, if you can. Uh, today, like, I don't know the full facts of it, but... Could I just say that when someone says they learn something new every day, that doesn't count if they forget it the next day? No, because that would be Groundhog Day Learning. Well, the thing I learned today was about an octopus.

Oh yeah. What they can do is, you know, they've got eight legs and that. They can use, they can use six of them legs to cover their head so they look like a little stone. Use the other two to run off. Right? But that's... He's thinking of squidly, did you? Yeah, it's a Disney image in his head. But anyway, but anyway, but anyway, but anyway, but something else I learned, right? It's they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they're they' they're they're they're they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they' they, they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they' they're they're they're they're th. the, the. the. the. the. the. They can't tha' tha' tha' they can't they can't they can't they can, they can, they can, they can't they but anyway, that's, you know, that's not the main thing. So it's pink singing a song in your mind? I'm running off, yeah. No, but anyway, but something else I learnt, right? Um, it's mainly about animals and that, because that's normally quite interesting. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Oh yeah. And the owner of it was getting fed up because, you know, he had to feed it and that, you they. feed it and that but it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't, no come on let's hear it, it wasn't giving anything back. No eggs, no eggs, right? So he was like, oh I'm sick of this. Anyway someone told him pop a little axe next to its little house, right? So when it comes out in the morning thinking I'll have another lazy day doing nothing right? You saw this axe, the throwing it's a thaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxaxe. th. th. th. th. th. thin, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, so thi, right, so th. thi, so thi, so thi, so the thi, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so, so, so th. So, so th. So, so, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so th. So, so the the the the thi, so the thi, so the the thi, so he was thi, so he was the they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, thi, so he was thi, so he was thi, so he was like, so he was like, alright, next day it laid about six eggs. It's rubbish. It's rubbish. It's rubbish. The chicken wouldn't recognise an axe as a threat. It wouldn't be able to reason that oh I'd better start working or I'll be meat. I'll better start. It's absolutely rubbish. Once again it's this ridiculous thing you've got that one personifying animals to reasoning

powers better than yours. I mean I think you know you you make chickens and monkeys cleverer than you in your stories which is weird, okay, it didn't happen and wouldn't work. Next? What else haven't you learned today? No, as always, things like that always get me thinking. What else haven't you learned today? Hang on? He's got his mind working. Yeah, so that's rubbish. Well, do you think then that it it it it it's w w w w. That's that it's that it's w. that's that's th. th. th. th. thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the their their their their their their their their their their their their to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toeee. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. toda. to. got his mind. So that's rubbish. Well, do you think then that it's worth looking after animals than if there isn't any memory? If they don't know what's happening anyway, you're always going on about don't be cruel to things. Yeah, why would you be cruel? There's one thing about imagining chickens can reason and because they can't be cruel to them. Why does it matter whether an animal can reason not for you not to be cruel to it? The reason I don't like blood sports isn't the fact that there's a fox missing, it's the psychology of people that get off on seeing an animal ripped to pieces. They wouldn't

like it if it was a robot, they wouldn't care. For some reason in their psychology, they like this sport. They like this fox ripped apart or a bull they're their psychology, in their psychology, in their, in their, in their, in their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is, is their their their their their their their their, is, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their fact, is their fact, is their fact, their fact, their fact, their fact, their fact, is their fact, is like to see this fox ripped apart or a bull tortured for their own pleasure. That's what it should do. Why would you ever want to be cruel to an island whether it can reason or not? No, no, I mean I don't mean really cruel but I mean like, like there's an advert that's on in the, you know, in britten, their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thiiasing, thiats, thirty, thirty, thirty, thirty, you, to be, to be, to be a tooes, too-a, to be a to be a to be a to be, to be, to be a to be, to be, to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be a to be, to be, to be, to be, to be a bull, to be a bull, to be a too, too, too, too, too, too, or, too, too, tortu, or, too, too, too, too, too, or a too, or a too, or a too, we look at, before, you know, we kill our chickens and what have you? They have a great life. This is like the voice over and you see happy chicken. And it's going, we give it a good little house to live in. It's got straw, it eats good. And then we kill it.

Yes, well that's better, isn't it? Because at the end of the day, if I was that chicken, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, the chicken, the chicken, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, thi, thi, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, thi, thi, thi, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, thi, thi, thi, the, the, the, the, the, the end of the day if I was that chicken, right, I'm that chicken, loving my life, I can't believe me luck, right? Well we'd be pleased because we'd at least he'd be able to do the show and we'd have some interesting conversations. So there it is, right, wondering about, it's got its nice little field that it's working on, it's got its nice food and everything, but it's going to die. throwne. their th. th. thi, their thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to die, to die, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, their, their, their their their, their, their, their, their their to be to be that, that, that, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, that, that, that, that, that, that, their, that, their that, that, that, that, their that, that, their that, their their their their that, their, their going to die. But then if you were like a rubbish chicken, that would like a rubbish life, you'd be going, oh, kill me. Carl, they're not thinking what's going to happen tomorrow. They don't know that they're going to've mentioned the cutting off of an Ed right on the chicken that's something else I've learned right. It's like a pinball his mind. Amazing isn't it?

Ding-dong tang. Oh Ed, chicken, head off. Bink, doin. No right, but this was in a proper science magazine. So you can't have a go. This was printed in a magazine. So you read it. Okay and what was it? And here comes the filter. It's going to come out nonsense. Right. You could have Professor Stephen Orkin sitting there whispering stuff in your ear and it could all be true. But when you said it, gobbledy goop. Well let's see then, let's see. Right. This, what they've done, they've done, they've done another experiment, right, right, right, right, right, right, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's their, it, it's their, it's their, it's their, it's their, it's their, it's their, it's their, it's their, it. It's their, it. It. It's their, it. It's their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, you know how they used to do it in the olden days where they'd put your head in a stock, cut it off for whatever

reason, right? You've done something wrong, right? And the question that everybody used to talk about in the village was, you know, oh, I made eye contact with it, right? And it was a bit worrying because he was looking at me and he looked fed up and that. That's dead. So they've put a bit of work into this and they've done it again somewhere, right? And they've worked out that once, when the Ed comes off the body, it stays alive and that for 30 seconds. No, no, they don't know that. They can never know that. No, they did this experiment. What's alive? What's alive? But there's loads of issues here. One, no one's experimenting with human beings cutting their head off, Carl. Two, no, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, you read this in what? Execution is monthly. This is a proper- It's what your definition of alive is, because you can be alive, conscience. No, no, but this is this is where it gets weird, right? Yeah, I'm told with this where it gets weird, you talking about it. So the heads off, right? And what they did was they chucked a load of questions at it. All sanctioned by the government. Yeah, this looks like. So the head lands perfectly on the neck and goes, what do you want to know? So they're asking questions and it's going, you, you,, to be quite honest, answer your question, I mean that's a bit annoyed about the execution still. Well that was the interesting thing they said it's about. No, it's

nothing didn't happen, Carl. Let me hear. Oh don't talk shit. Let me hear it. What are you talking about? What are you today? their question, right? So they they they they that that that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that was the interesting. that was that was that was the interesting. that was that was that was that was that was that was that was that was the last five seconds it is sort of like can't be bothered answering them. Right, prior to that, apart from that, they were chucking stuff, I don't think it spoke, I don't think it was like yeah two and two four and stuff it was more it was to do with blinking. So blink once if you say yes, spring's waist. So I told it, listen, when you die you're probably not going to be able to talk because your jaw's going to be on the ground, you're not going to be able to open your mouth, if you do, you'll fall over backwards and at your head. Now listen, blink one for yes and two for no. Yeah, right, yeah, not too bad, it's the axe nice and sharp, yeah, yeah, you're talking shit again. Do you promise? Yes, or the things. The things, th thing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing is they they they will the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. the thing. thin. thin. the thin. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. Blink. their. Blink. their. Blink. their. their. their. their. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. Bl. Bl. th. Bl. Bl. Blink. Blink. th. th. th. th. th. th. t. t. t. t. to. to. to. t, it takes about 20 seconds whenever you ask Carl anything for the question to process and for him to start to formulate an answer. Anyway, you know, if you've, if people listening and that, if they learn anything, that's amazing, you know, send it in.

Because you know, because it'll come out gobody-goop when Carl. then plus also if you've got any questions for Carl if you just want to see how his mind works then you can get in touch. Oh, whether his mind works. Indeed, we've seen doctor and psychologist out there. Podcast at Ricky Joveys. that's how to get in toucest. Carl. It's what we've all been waiting for. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news. All this one, sent in from Sam in New York, right?

And it's about a fire that happened, right? In a really... Do you know like in New York, they have loads of big buildings, don't they? Right, really, really tall ones and stuff. Yeah. And there was a fire in one of them, right? So, they did as expected, they called up, you know, fire brigade and that. They turned up, right? Fire engine parked up, it's like, right, where's the fire? And they said, oh, it's on like floor 100 or whatever.

And they said, oh, no, we've brought the fire engine with the short ladders. Stupid mistake, go on. So anyway, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so the fire, so, so, so, so, so, so, the fire, the fire's, they. the fire, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they's, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they's. they's. they's. they's. they's. they's. they. they's. they. they. they. they. they. they. they's. they's. they's. they's. they's. they's, they's. they're, they're, they. they're, they. they're they. they. they. they's their. their. they're their. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're, they're, they're the short ladders. Stupid mistake, but go on. Right. So anyway, so the fires go in and that and they're saying, is there anyone in there they go, I don't know, they might be someone up there, but the telecom's not working and stuff. Who do you think might be up there, Rick? I don't know. Just a woman I imagine, just a woman or a child. Is there a fire? Is that a fire? Is that a fire? Is the fire? Is the fire? Is the fire? Is the fire? Is the fire? Is their? Is their? Is their is is is is is a fire? Is their? Is their is anyone? Is their is anyone? Is there? Is there? Is there is anyone? Is there is anyone? Is there? Is there is anyone? Is there is anyone? Is there is? Is there is? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is is is is? Is is? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is there? Is their? Is their is? Is their is anyone? Is there a their is? Is there? Is there? Is there a there? Is there? Is there? Is they said, well are we going to get up there? Yeah, we can't. We've only brought the shoreliners. No, we can't, let's go home. Okay, that was monkey news.

So they said, well, there's a lot of grippage. So they said, well, they made up words, the side of the building and stuff. So anyway, they said, why don't he just go get a monkey, so they got, they got a jump. Is that policy now in a New York fire department? Well, you know, you've got to think quick, aren't you, at the end of day? If people are up there, you don't start querying if it work and you try everything that you can to help someone out. That's the first thing I that that that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's that that's that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a policy. That's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a their their their their their their their their their policy. That's a policy. their their policy. their policy. their policy. that's a policy. that's a policy. that's a policy. that's a policy. That's a policy. That's athan to go back and get the long ladders. Why don't they get Spider-Man? Yeah, cool Spider-Man. Yeah, cool Spider-Man. So anyway, so they got a monkey down there and they said, right, where they get it from? We don't know from the locals they were, oh yeah. So they said, look, you know, we've got to remember their, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, their, their, their, their, they, they, they, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, yeah, c. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, yeah, their. Yeah, yeah, yeah, their. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, their. Yeah, their. Yeah, c. Yeah, c. Yeah, c. Yeah, cool. Yeah, cool. Yeah, cool. Yeah, cool. Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, they could could they could they could comes in right? So they said, yeah, I don't think I'd care.

Their building's on fire, they're not going to go, oh it's a monkey in the window. They'll be screaming, save me! I was a monkey, I'm away from them. So they said right, well we'll just get it a little small uniform and that as far as you got. Well, whoa, hold on though. Actually where you're going to get that, get that, that, the the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. their th. their th. th. thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, th. th. th. th. th. th. It's th. It's their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they's is, their. They's, their. They's, their. They's, their. They's, their. They's, their. They's, their. They's, their. They's, their bu. They're, the. They're, the. It's, their bu. their bu. their buo. their buoome. They're, their bu. They're, thethe station. We'll get the long ladders way there. No time. No time. No, I bought the small uniform. I just didn't bring the long ladders. So anyway, it goes up there, it's got all the kit on and what. It's got his little adder on and all that. He grabs, there was, there was, there was, there, there, there, there, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I. they. tho, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I. I. I. I. I was, I was, I was, I was, I. I. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, the the the the the the th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tha. tha. tho. tha. tho. tha. tha. tha. thoa. tha. tha. thoa. tha. I just. I just. I just. Who was up there then? Someone that was just the right size for a monkey to

be able to rescue which is handy. Because if it had been anyone else, like a larger person or a family, we'd all be scared. No, I don't know about the size of it, but it's just the story saying how like it was quite a big, big monkey in that it was good at breaking down doors. Oh yeah. It was good at climbing into small space. It was to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small and a small th or a small th or a small th or a small their th or a small th or a small th or a small thor thor thi or a small thi or a their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thr. thr. thr. thr. thra. thra. thra. thra. thra. thra. thra. thra. thr. thr. their their the. Anyway, it managed to... It's big enough to carry a fully grown man but small enough to climb through a cat flap. Yeah, so... So anyway, it managed to, you know, get the person as well. It got the person, everything and now it says it's you know it's sort of, it's on call if they ever need it again. Sure, and if they ever get anywhere again and they've forgotten the long notice, but there's plenty of grippage, they just call for Coco. So, that's the week's one can use. O'Nolux.

The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Well I hope you enjoyed our podcast there, another half hour of absolute drivel. I've been Ricky Javais with me, Steve Merchant. See you next time. And Carl Pilkington. And we'd all like to thank those brilliant guys at Positive Internet for hosting this podcast, brilliantly. Positive Internet hosting the world's number one podcast. Here's DJ Reach Around. It is hard eating a knob. So what are you saying? I'm saying like I could eat a knob at night. I could eat a that night. I create a no but night.

I create a no that night. I create a no but night. I create a no but night. I create a no but night. I create a no but night. I create a no but night. A threat be a night. I create a nobuck night. I create a nobuck night. I create a nobuck night.

I create a nobuck night. I create a nobuck night. I create a nobuck night. I create a nobac night. I create a nobac nigh. I create a nobuck night. I create a nobuck night. I create a nbak night. I create a no but night.

I create a nobak night. I create a nobac night. I create a knob I'm not gonna say. I create a nobac nigh. I create a nobac nigh. I create a nobah nigh. I create a nobah nigh. It is ours being a nob. I create a knob at night. I create a knob at night. I create a knob at night. I create a knob at night.

It is ours. Be in a knob.