The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E7 (January 16, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited Welcome to the seventh Ricky Jovey Show on podcast. I'm Ricky Jovey, with me Stephen Merchard and Carl Pilkington. Now, talking to that, that's only five to go then, isn't it? Five to go in this series of twelve only five to go then, isn't it? Five to go in this series of twelve? Oh, still seems a lot though, doesn't it? We'll take a little break, I'm sure we'll come back through popular demand, I'm hoping. I'm hoping to put that on the poster back by popular demand. Well I'm hoping it's by overwhelming public demand. of a pat on the back, don't we? Do they give awards out for podcasting? Oh, if they do,

hoo-hoo, hello, I am already down in my speech, baby. I was thinking that everyone listening, if you want to register your email with us, we'll let you know when we're back on air, maybe later in the year, go to Ricky Gervais.com and just register and then when I do a general mail out, I'll let you know when when we the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their th. th. W tho tho tho, tho, who thoooooooh, who tho, tho, who thooooo, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, who's tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, the Gervais.com and just register and then when I do a general mail out, I'll let you all know when Carl Pilkington is back. You are a good guy to these people, Rick. No sweat. Now there's been an awful lot of correspondence. It's backing up there. We've got acres of it to get through.

It is a bit mental actually, but it's very flattering and thank you all and people have sent such brilliant things in and spent so much time doing them. There's someone sent in this mock-up of we were talking about the those Russian sort of iconoclastic artifacts and someone's mocked up Karl the Bewildered it's brilliant it's so good. Can we put those on the web? Yeah, I think let's put that up on Ricky Jomaze.com, and that's from Joe Murray in Philadelphia. We've also got one, which is a little work of art from Ed Ferrari, and it's the three of us in a studio. And it's just great. It's very fluttering picture of you there, you look about 14. I know I've come out very well in th. I. I' th. I' th. I've th. I've th. I've th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thirty, I've thirty, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've, thirty, I've, I've, I've, th. thi. thi, thi, thi, thiol-I. thiol-I. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thoooooooooooooooooooo. thi. thi. got a head like a fucking orange. Look at that!

And you, well I don't know what you are, your foot long and in real life it's only 18 inches long, isn't it? So he's exaggerated yours a little bit. But it's a lovely drawing, we put that up on the web as well. So everyone goes to Ricky Jaze. Everyone register please and we'll email you and everyone keep sending stuff in so thank you very much. Carl, Joe from Bradford asks what body parts can you live without? He wants to know he's obviously having sleep this night's thinking about this. What so? With the brain?

He's coped this far. So the bits that I've got now, if I had to get rid of one of them, what wouldn't I miss? Yes. I did a bit of an experiment on this, right? It's my job at home to wash up, right? Suzanne does... She gives you all the really big responsible ones. She sort of like pays the bills and why is the house and you go, what can I do? And you can go, well you can go and play with the worms in the garden. So anyway, so it's my job to wash up and that, right? And I thought to sort of make it interesting and stuff. I thought, I wonder if I can do it, right, if I didn't have any thumbs.

And so what did you do? So I just sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort sort, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, go, go, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to sort of... You closed off your thumbs. I just sort of elder men. And it's amazing how like, it took me ages. Just having that one thing gone. Well it's part of our evolution, the opposable thumb. Basically, that's when we sawed. These are milestones in human evolution. The opposable thoes, that the forward facing eyes, the upright, these are massive things in taking us out of the animal kingdom.

And one day, Carl, you'll walk upright. But what do you mean about eyes facing forward? You mean before we got here there was people whose eyes were looking in their head? I don't understand. Is that what you mean? No, because when we got sort of binocular vision, where we could, you know, because we were, predators, have, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, you, you, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, that what you mean? No, no because when we got sort of binocular vision where we could we could you know because we were predators have a forward fate I'm going way back I'm not just saying I'm not saying I'm not saying chimps had eyes on the side of their head but I was saying big big major milestones in any evolution. I lost your evolution. Yeah. So when you were doing this experiment, washing up, you say that you found it difficult

it took you ages. So you didn't just give up once you realized how essential thumbs were. You actually washed up everything. I just think a Suzanne walking in and Carl's there just covered in water and very liquid suds, standing on a pile of broken crockery. Yeah, plunging his face into the sink every thirty seconds and just swishing his head around. But we talked about the washing up thing before, I don't know, and most of the washing up, and I sort of look out out of a window, so the sink's in front of the window. And that's why I quite like washing up, because I can just look out onto the street, see people going through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through through th 30 through th 30 through th 30 through th 30 th 30 th 30 th 30 through 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 th 30 th 30 th 30 th 30 th 30 th 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 30 th 30 th 30 th 30 th. 30 th. 30 th. 30 th. 30 th. 30 th. 30 th. 30 th. in front of the window and that's why I quite like washing up so I can just look out onto the street, see people going past, he's like a local homeless fella called Franco, you know, look out that he's all right and everything.

But I was looking across the way, right, and there's some Chinese people who live on in a flat, right, really small flat and they're up till all hours I don't know what they're doing but they decide to back up at about half three in the morning that they're always really noisy in that but above them there was some woman right who the sort of bedroom is on par to our kitchen right yeah so I'm sort of washing up yeah and I sort of look across and see this woman with like, you know, no pants on that, no bra and that. Naked? Yeah, just... That's the word you're looking for. Yeah, yeah, she's just wondering out on that. So I was like, oh, how's it going on, right? And I kept looking, and then

I was looking and she looked at me, right? So we made eye contact. Sure. So I was like, oh God, right? So what I thought the best thing to do was was sort of drop me pants a little bit. Just a little bit, just like you know I had box of shorts on and that. I thought if I just show a little bit of, little bit of sort of ass cheek, then it's kind of like, right, we quit. Right? I don't understand the thinking. So, so, Suzanne's watching the tele, right?

I think she's watching sex in the city or something. She sort of, thi's a tip, th, th, th, th, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, thin, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. th. the., right? She sees me with like my pants sort of down a little bit with my arse out. She said, what you're doing? I said, don't look now. I said, but there's a woman over the road, right? We know pants on that. She caught me looking, I'm just giving her a bit back. I love the fact that he explains the rules and two sides were going, okay. That makes sense. So I don't, I the the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm to to th. I'm just, I'm just, I'm, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm tho, I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm tho. I'm th. I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I say, I th. I say, I th. I th. I say, I say, I th. I say, I say, I say, I'm, I'm, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I said, I said, I said, I'm just, I said, I said, I'm just, I said, I said, I said, I'm just, I said, I said, I'm just, I said, I said, I said? That makes sense. But I don't, so, so hang on, so you showed a bit of your ass, you turned, presumably to show the ass, or why I just, I had to lift it up a little bit on the sort of, on the draining board. What, hang on though, what, um, what did she do? Did you register her reaction when she saw a bit of your thrassass. to as. to as. to as. to as. to as. to as. to, to, to, to, the to, to, to, to, their, to, to, their, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, to, to, to, to, to show, to show, to show, to show, to show, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, so, I'm, I'm, I'm, too, too, I sof, I, I sof, so, so, I so, so, I sort. So, so, so, I sort. So, I sort, so, I sort, I sort, I sort't looking because I thought in a way I don't want it to look like Well, I've seen a bit of your stuff. Here's a bit of mine

I just thought at the end of the day I caught a glance of you It's only fair you've had a bit back You know, I'm not making a big deal out of I generally think James Stewart Mr. their trick here in rear window. Yeah, this would have been you know a much better. the the the the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. I. th. I. to to to to to be a much. I. I. I. to be a much. to be a much. to be a much. to be a much. to be a much. to be a much. to be a much. the the the the the their their their their their their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. would have given a whole new meaning to the title rear window. Yeah, exactly. It's tricky though. I seem to be surrounded by people like that. Because I've told you before, there's the old woman across the way who's just sat there reading a book. I look through everybody's windows like that. Remember that film? That's sliver. Okay, right. When that, I. that, I. I. I. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I the. I seem th. I seem thi. I seem the. I seem to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I seem th. I seem thi. I seem thi. I seem thi. I seem thi. I seem thi. I seem thr. I seem thr. I seem thi. I seem thi. thi. I seem thi. I seem to be ss thi. I seem to be to be video cameras. I'm just looking onto everybody's world and just seeing what people are getting up to.

Now what wrong with that? That's why I like washing up. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! The Ricky DeVay Show on Guardian Unlimited. Chris has emailed a mantra for Carl. We were talking about famous mantras and sayings and things. Never as a mank said so much to so many that means so little. Brilliant. So you can have that on your headstone. You're a little round headstone. Rupert's in the Isle of Man. He says, I don't know if you knew this, Carl, but apparently Octopus's testicles are located in their heads. Yeah. But then, to me, that isn't that amazing because, at the end the the the the the the the the the end the the the the the the the the ed. So everything it's got has to be in the head. It has to be in the head.

It looked daft if they dangled down below. All right. So all it is is I mean there's a lot of facts. It looked daft if they dangled down below there. There's I'm wondering again that's almost I I don't think you should start sending them in, but that could almost be the B-side to, uh, I could eat a knob at night. James Round says, Carl, if you could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Uh, dead or alive. Why would you choose to be a dead person? No, but sometimes, like, there's people who are now dead but everybody raves about him. But are you saying, but he wants you to live that life, not have been that person?

Are you saying that if you chose Napoleon, you'd be Napoleon but he'd be back to life walking around now on the bus or he, you know, it'd be the 18th century or what? What are you saying? What I mean is if... I'll just answer the question? I'll just answer the question. the question, to the question, to the question, to the question, to, to, the question, who, to, the question, to, the question, to, the question, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, are, are, the, are, the, are, are, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, the, the bus or he you know it be the 18th century or what what are you saying? What I mean is if... Oh just answer the question who would you be and why it's someone you admire or you think had a good life just answer the question. But what I mean is it's good to be remembered like Winston Churchill, like Winston Churchill is remembered as being a decent bloke but I won't want the assu like he had so I don't want to live his life, but it's good to be... You'd like to be Winston Churchill, but you'd like to have a paper round instead of saving the world?

Yeah. Well, that's what I mean, but is he saying who would want to, whose job would want to take on? It's not that complicated. The question is this, if he could be anyone in lot of jobs, isn't they? Some of the names flowing through your head now? Um, I was thinking, um, Bruce Willis. I never expected that! I never expected that!

So when he, what, so his responsibility in your mind is what, saving people who are trapped in a building with terrorists? Well yeah, maybe, you know, his worries are different worries with, you know, people who have a lot of money come other worries. Do you know what I mean? So Bruce Willis, he's always going on these marches, in he's saying stop war and all that. Because he's got, you know, he's got more, more to lose if there's a war, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, and, and, their, their, their, their, their, is a their, is, is, is a their, is, is, is a their, is a their, is, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, is a their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their worries, their worries, their worries, woe, their, woe, woe, woe, woe, is a the's a war, he's got loads of houses, one of them's going to get damaged. Whereas if you're poor, you've got the one house if these are a war, it's like, oh, just end it all for me then I'm sick of it anyway. Do you know what I mean?

So with, with successful life and happy life, there's more for the t what I'm saying. Right. Like at the moment because I've finished the job that's, uh, that I've been at for 10 years, right? I've finished working there, so suddenly I've got, me time tables a bit out and I haven't got enough of a routine and I'm a man who likes to know what I'm doing. So now suddenly, five until seven, washing up with no thumbs. I like, I've sort of turned into like an old person where the little jobs that you shouldn't enjoy and now the main event. So, hold on, how old do you? You're 31 aren't you? 32? 32 and you're pottering around not knowing what to do with yourself. Well, like yesterday, Suzanne Shoes needed to go to the Cobblers, right? I haven't heard the word cobbler still exi. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th, th, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, th, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where the the the their, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, where, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. I th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've th. I've their, their, their, their, their, their their their their their thi? I've tole, too? I've too, thi? I've thi, thi, Shoez needed to go to the Cobblers, right? I haven't heard the word Cobblers. I don't even know Cobblers still existed.

I only ever see that in Christmas films made by Disney. Well, I had to go and do that and that suddenly, and that suddenly, and that suddenly, and that's, because, the Cobb now and go and have a chat. Tell me about the Cobbler. You didn't come back with three magic beans did you? No, the Cobbler's alright he's doing, you know, he's fixing shoes and that. He's got it. He's got a cobbling all day. Have I told you about my uncle. I'm. I told. I told. I told. I told. told. I told. told. told. I've. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. told. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He. He's. He's. He's come. He's come. He's come. He's come. He's come. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. Have. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. Come. I've. I've. I've. I've. I've. Come. I've. Come. I've. I've. I've. I've. Come. I'm sure I told you about him. He's the one who, he lived in like a bed sit and he had two tellies. He had like one that the sound didn't work on, one that the picture didn't, but both together it worked. So as long as he was watching the right, the same channel on both, sound came out of one tele and he'd watched the picture on the other. Brilliant. And he slept in like a rubber dinghy. Right? But he was... Whoa, you can't just look that slight. Why do you see in the rubber dinghy?

He just like boats and stuff and uh, and sort of... Yeah, I like boats, but they're better to sleep on. Bets are better to sleep on. the boats. thii. th. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But, their. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. But. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the... the. the........ the.. the. the. the. He's. the. the. on. Well he just he just had it in there. It's a bed sit. It was really tight space He's got this he's got this moved into a dinghy sit. He's got this dingy so he's thinking well rather than it get in the way I might as well use it. Yeah, but he was a he was a a cobbler and he used to like repair like my shoes and that right. But it always sort of overdo him. th. th. th. pimp my ride on MTV? Yeah. Because he does up shoes, it'd go mental on him. What do you mean? There was the stereo, yeah. Well no, it was horns. It's like... There's a... Go faster stripes. Here comes Mr. Pilkington, he's got the fastest shoes in the land. No, it just makes shoes that would last forever so instead of putting like one soul on it put about five on. So it looked like one of them built up shoes. You never see it just put loads of stuff on it, they'd last forever. But they did. But they look like one for

pedic shoes. Yeah, yeah, it's just like the, suddenly I was like six foot seven whenever he'd sort of sot s out. But he's a cobbler and you know it's work that's always always there for you, isn't it? I suppose so. So you went out with to take Suzanne's shoes to the cobbler. Yeah, so that's it, yeah, so I just took into the cobblers and that. And that was like a nice little job for the day. I've got a leaflet through the door saying, you know, if you want to walk a dog, you know, the rates are good. I don't know what they pay in that. But I got a little letter in my little letter saying, you know, if you're free in the day. What they pay you to walk a dog? They pay you to walk a dog and that. And I thought if they do that and get a paper around, two, two, two, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and, and, and, and, the, the, the, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their,, where you were the head of production at a radio station,

dare I say it, on, can I discuss your, well it was all right wage, yeah? It was very good. But I wasn't happy so it's pointless. No I know that, but to go from the head of a department on a lot of money to walking dogs and doing a paper round. I don't know. No, but it's about being happy, isn't it? I know, that's commendable if that's true, but okay. And that makes you happy? Well, I haven't walked the dog yet, but I'm just saying if it's raining. I'm just thinking if it's a nice sunny day and I fancy a potter, I'll I'll go the tak, the tho thukukukuke.. thu. thu. thu. thu. thu. I's thu. I's thu. I's thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin'a'a'a'a'er. I'm thin'a'er, I'm thin'er. thin'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er'er. Well, I'm not that's not that's not that's not thin'er. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. I'm thin'er. Well. I'm thii??? I's thii. I's thi'er. I's thin'er. thin'er. thin'lionlionn't tote. I'm not tote. I'm not tote. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not thinking if it's a nice sunny day and I fancy a Potter, I'll go round to her and say, well how much are you paying I'll take the dog a walk.

But I can't believe some of the words that have cropped up in this. It's 2006 now, Potter, Cobblers, Toffee Shop. It's very, very strange. Do you live in Norinia? The Ricky DeVay Show on Guardian Unlimited. A lot of people are sort of emailing in sort of brainy stuff. Brilliant. Right? Which, you know, the more the merrier.

I'm happy getting all this stuff and if, you know, it grabs me eye, I'll run it by you and you can sort of tell me about it and that. And getting a lot of stuff about philosophy. Oh yeah. And all that. Discart is, that's another one that's mentioned on an email. Descartes? The French philosopher? Yeah.

Yeah. What was the question? Well, he sort of cropped up on an email. Someone said, what do you think of him and I was like, I don't know. He, um, famously he ponded his own existence. Cogito, there there, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am like, I don't know. He, famously, he pondered his own existence, Cogito Urgo Some, I think therefore I am. He was thinking about, he was thinking, how do I know all this is true, everything around me? And he thought, well I can see it and I can smell it and I can hear it.

And he went, oh yeah, my senses can be fooled. I could be dreaming. But if I'm dreaming, then that that that thu thu thu thu thu thu th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th at th at that th at that thu that thi thi thi tho tho tho thi thi thi thou thi thou thi thi thou thi, thi, tho tho thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thi thi, he thi, he thi, he th. He th, he th, he th, he th, he th, he thin, he was thin, he was thin, he was thin, he was thin, he was thinking, he was thinking, thin, thin, thou-a''''a'a'eou'ean, I thin, I'm thou-a' thin, I was thinking, I was thinking, I th's true I could be dreaming, but if I'm dreaming, then at least I'm alive, at least I have some sort of consciousness. So if I'm even thinking about anything, you know, I am, I exist. I think, therefore I am. Cagito Urgo sum. But we don't need to know the Latin bit. Why is everyone always going back to Latin it? It was ages ago. Why is that language always always always always always Latin people always in a rush, because they seem to be like words for full sentences.

Why couldn't they just set up the time and say what they want to say what they want to say, what was the rush? What about Plato? Right? Now, would you say he's a bright bloke? Yes, I would. Let me tell you this. Right, if he's that bright, you know he got killed? No. Got it on the head by an egg.

Fucking now! Right, he's not so clever then, is he? That's what I'm saying. Boo! What's the story with the egg? He was on holiday? He was on holiday or something right and he was on holiday in Greece probably he was that he's I'm gonna walk about and a bird was flying over the over the over it so this bird was what a great or what what's so what size bird kills him with his egg was it and the way they used to crack an ostrich on a hang glider the way they used to crack the eggs open to let the kids out they used to crack the eggs open to let the kids out, they used to drop them on rocks. What bird is this dropping its egg to let the kids out?

You are a maniac! You are a maniac! And Plato had a little bald head. Right. So from the top the birds there looking down and it goes, oh there's a little rock, I'll drop the egg, hit him on the ed, killed him. Now this is what I was saying before about... I'm letting too much go now, because I'm so desensitised to his nonsense. I let him go, the bird saw Plato and said there's a rock down there. Well if he's dropping, if these birds are killing people with bald-edge, you've got to be terrified. So, but listen, but listen, but listen, but listen, but listen, but listen, but listen, but listen, but listen, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the their their, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I'm th. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I I I, I, I I I I I I, I I I I I, I I, I, I I, I, I I I, I, I, I I, I, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. Well, I'm th. Well, I'm th. Well, I'm th. Well, well, I'm th. Well, I'm th. I'm th. I'mthis is what I'm saying though, right? Before about knowledge and that, our knowledge is hassle or success is hassle. Now, I think that was Newton, knowledge is hassle. Now, why is Plato's intelligence?

Got anything to do with the fact that this bird dropped it? Because he was intelligent and he's probably earning a nice few quid by giving out whatever messages he gave out, he could afford to go on holiday to exotic places. If he was working in a factory, he wouldn't have been on this beach with big birds dropping eggs. He's what I'm saying. So in a way it backfired. His knowledge killed him. And that, I think, was Kirkhardtkard his knowledge killed him. That's, I mean, where you got this stuff about him being on holiday? Well, it was, he shouldn't have been on the beach. He was only there having a break or whatever from doing what he does.

It wouldn't have happened if he wasn't on holiday. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Again, I can't remember which show this was that we were discussing this, but we talked about well-known phrases and quotes from the past. We talked about Benjamin Franklin. People have, this is an email we've had saying, Carl, what do you take by the well-known saying, a stitch in time saves nine? Oh, a stitching time saves nine?

Yeah. See, it's another one that I don't think I've picked up on a lot of these sayings that are being sort of thrown about willy-nilly. Willie nilly. Okay. Willy-nilly. Okay. Well, again, it's one them like, like last week. I've heard of it but but what does willy-nilly mean just sort of like throwing it about all over the place what what do you mean but what was I said what what does what does the term willy nilly mean it just sort of means you know carefree that's right yeah okay but what does a stitching time saves nine so okay but what does a stitching time saves nine mean I don't know what do you mean you used it you to do you used it you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to the the to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th the the the the the the the the to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the nilly, but you sort of got the gist of it. So what does a stitching time saves nine mean? I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? Think about it, a stitching time saves nine. Is it to do with sewing? Well, yeah, sort of. So if it's not that clear. So if you've got a jacket, so if you've got a jacket and a seam, the seam, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, some, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, some, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, to, to, to, to, to, to, the little bit of seam and I'll leave it. Oh it's getting worse and worse soon your sleeve falls off. So just need one stitch there that'll do it. If you do it now later you'll need nine stitches and that of course is an analogy to other things. If you leave something that

that needs attention or repair it'll get worse so do it in time. They could have said a tile in time saves nine on your roof. They they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they just they just they just they just they just they just they just they just they just their. their they just they just th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. th. So. So. So. So. th. So. th. So. So. So. So. So. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, the. So, the. the. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. So, the. So, the. So, th, do it in time. They could have said a tile in time saves nine on your roof. They just used a sewing analogy. But it depends if you're busy at that point because if you've got something else that needs doing, that means that isn't being done because you're messing about putting something out a hole in your coat is what I mean. You can't always do stuff straight away. So maybe, I don't know, I don't know if there's a sort sort sort middle ground where you don't have to do it straight away, but stitching time, say in 15 or whatever, meaning you don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad. Brilliant. Do you think yours is less poetic than a stitching time, say it's nine? So yours is, this is what you wanted to be a quote, right? Well, thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, today, thi, thi, thi, thea, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, tom, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, t, tom, tom, tom, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, today, this is what you wanted to be a quote, right? Well, you could do it now, but if you're doing something else, then, you know,

we don't do it immediately, but do it soon so it doesn't get really bad. Carl Pilkington. No, but that's the same way I treat most things in life. It's like I never go to the doctors unless it's really bad. That's brilliant advice for you listening. Never go to the doctors. Unless it's really bad. But that's why a lot of people, particularly working-class people, you know, die because they don't want to bother the doctor or they're mildly embarrassed or they don't know symptoms, bad symptoms. Go to the doctor if you're not sure about some. Like you were terrified to go and have your prostate. Still not been. not the thup symptoms. thup symptoms. thup symptoms. I symptoms. I ss. I ss. I ss. I ss. I ss. Go. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. If, th. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go, th. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That's. That's. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's why. It's why that's th. It's th. It not been, not doing it. Why not? I wish you won't talk about it because now Suzanne will listen to this

and she'll go, oh yeah, you haven't been, and start dragging it up again. But why are you worried about a little, a qualified doctor? I don't know what they're doing up there. What? What are they They pop their finger up. That's what I mean though. Why? Well, it's 2006. Why are they still using the index finger? What would you prefer the forefinger or the thumb would you? No. No, what I mean is we've got a thumb on a stick? So I'm going to be a mechanical thumb, a robot thumb? Why isn't it just a little camera up or something that... Well they put the camera up if they initially discover something. But just put the camera up straight away. No, they don't need to. They pop the finger up, feel that the prostate isn't swollen,

wiggle it around a little bit, a little bit, I'll be a bit, I'll be a bit, I'll be a back passage. I just, I don't think they need to do that in the same things. Are you're, their, their, the same, their, the same, the same, their, the same, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're their, they're their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their their their, they their. They, they, they their. They, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they. They. They, they, they. They, they. They, they. They. They, they. They. They. They, they. They. They. They. They. They. They, they. They. They, they. They. They. They're, they. They're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're their. They're to. They're their. They're, they're their. They're, they're, they're they're they're their. They're they're their. They're their. They're, they're the little fellow is pop up. A little bit yeah. And the other thing is it's not just that is it? So you go in there they check your art out and that which to me is the most important thing because that's what keeps you going, isn't it? You've got to go there. You sat on the bus stressing out thinking, oh, in less's up with that? They take your testicles, yeah. But it's all building and you've sat there going, oh soon that will be happening. Yeah, that's what puts me off. So if they just came around when you're asleep, Suzanne just let them in and he goes, right? And they crept up and went, bang, you know what you're doing? I just don't understand why they don't they they they they they they they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't thach th teach why they don't th teach why th teach why th teach why the the the the the. Alconate! Wow! Imagine you, squatting in a corner with one hand on your bollocks and the other finger up the arse going, it seems to be all right?

Carl, you don't understand the phrase, theaching time saves night. I don't think you should be doing any kind of invasive medical research in your own body. But then, but then at least... You would get stuck. Yeah. You would get stuck. Suzanne had come out, your fist would be up your own ack. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, I think it's probably time. Yeah, it's monkey news time. Oh, chimpanzee that monkey news, yeah. Right. Last week we talked about, you know, the one who was good at getting up buildings and that for putting out fires and stuff, ending up working for the fire department.

Yeah, not true, but sure. But if the building had good grippage, he was right up there. Yeah, it's not true, but go on. So this week, anyway, it's more about tall buildings and it's about about was this bloke who was a builder oh yeah and you know what builders are like they sort of move about don't they from from sort of building to building just building well yeah well if they built it the building's down they move on to building yeah so he goes to his next job and that right who does the builder yeah he goes to like the boss the boss of the bus of the bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu. the the b. the b. the b. the b. the b. the b. He he the b. He he the b. He he's is the b. He's the b. He's the bu. He's the bu. He's the bu. So. So he's the bu. So he's is is the bu. So he's is the bu. So he's is is the bu. So he's the bu. So he's the the the the the the the the the the the bu. he's is is is the bu. he's is the bu. he's is the bu. he's is is the bu. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So he's is the the the the the the the the the the the the th. So he's the the th. So he's the the the th. So. So he's the the th. So he's the the th. So he's the th. So he's the th. Sothe boss of this building who's building it. Right, okay, yeah. And he says what on to him? Do you need anything building? Okay, right? Yeah. So anyway, so he says, yeah, there's plenty of work in that going about. He says, we're working on this one here. He said, get going on it like, there's your bricks and your cement and stuff get on with it yeah so they so they so they plans just build just start building

yeah go up to getting on with it and stuff it's all going well it's yeah but he notices that there's someone working eye up right on the top bit because you know theyre's theyre's theyre's weird. Yeah, well that's the way they do it there apparently just to sort of speed it up up, work from top to middle, from top to bottom. Sure, that's where that's where that's an imaginary lens. We've put the spire on and we better do the foundations and then put's that up there? Who's that? The little fellow was he? The little Harry fell up there, he said. Who's the little Harry fellow up there with a hard hand.

And the other fellows are going, look, you know, don't ask questions, you know, the boss decides who he takes on, you know, one girder to the other. He doesn't seem to be scared of the heights or anything. He said no, just let him get on with it, you know, we work well as a team. So anyway. What nonsense is this? Oh, he believes all this? So he believes all. all believes all this. So he sees the boss and he comes, they're all sat there, sat on a little wall, I'm the sandwich, he's just thinking he'll come down in a bit. He's just carrying on. Is he just still going? Still going on that, right? So the fella says to the boss man, he says, isn't that fella? Isn't that fella up there gonna come down to join us for lunch? I don't know why he's he's he's he's come come come come come come come come he's he's he's he's come come come come come he's he's he's he's he's he's just come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come come he's just he's just he's just he's just he's just he's just he he he he's just he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he' he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he's just he's just thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th' thin' th' th' thin' th' th' thin' th' thin' th' th' th' this fellow. I don't know why he's working through his loan. So they don't always not scare the heights and I don't know why he's swinging from going to the girl.

It's weird, go on. So he said, oh anyway, you've reminded me that he's up there. He said, he's doing a lot of riveting and stuff up. He probably need some nuts. So he said, what, knots? He says, yeah, just, there's a bag full of them there. Just, just put them on the hook, send them up and he can get on with his job. So anyway, he picks these nuts up, right? Just uks them on, he to stare, works it out. You can see that he's a little chimp running about so he goes I'm not happy with this why isn't he? Because he's working for an organization that's, you know

there's unions for this sort of stuff isn't? Yeahimp riveting this building together. Yeah, that's not scary. He's wondering if they're breaking union rules. So he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, look, I've worked out what you're playing out here. He said, all them out there. It's the boss in an attire. He said, all them out there might, it's a monkey it's not on. So he goes, look, you know, we just all try to earn a living here. He said, don't get involved in it. I'm happy to pay you, but I'm paying him, don't interfere. He's paying him. And he's saying, look, I'm just not happy with us. It's not allowed. So the boss was saying, well, we pay peanuts. We get monkeys. the money, we pay peanuts, we pay peanuts, we pay peanuts, we pay peanuts, we pay peanuts, to be to you know he's a great worker he's known for doing what he does is a good grafter if one of you's gonna go right I'm

afraid I'll have to let you go because he's been here longer than that. Yeah he was made redundant. It was laid off. None of that happened. None of that happened. And that's where that's saying about you know like there's a lot of tow blocks and that in America is like their their their their their their their that's that's that's their that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their their their their their their thooooen. tooen. their toe. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's about, you know, like there's a lot of towel blocks and that in America, it's like a chimp off the old block, is where... Oh my God! That's monkey news. Thanks for listening to this podcast. Who was it hosted by? It was hosted by a great bunch of guys called Positive Internet.

They host the number one podcast in the world. The Ricky Javeh show, with me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, goodbye and Carl Pilkington. The Ricky Javey Show on Guardian Unlimited. Thank you.