The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S1E9 (January 30, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

According to Emily Bell, editor-in-chief of Guardian Unlimited, Gervais and Merchant had approached the Guardian with the idea of the show. Bell believes they switched to a podcast format for greater control over content and access to a larger audience. The first 12 episodes were released free of charge through the Guardian Unlimited website.The first series of podcasts began on 5 December 2005, and a new episode was released each Monday for the next twelve weeks. The show relies heavily on the wit and bizarre theories of Pilkington, who was now unemployed, having left his job as radio producer at XFM. The podcast focuses more on Pilkington as a primary figure of humour in the show in various ways, including questions directed at him that have been emailed in, either by fans of the show or by Gervais and Merchant themselves.

The Ricky Jovey Show on Guardian Unlimited. Hello and welcome to another Ricky Jovey's, Ricky Javeys, Steve Merchant, and Carl Pilkington. The ninth in the series of 12 podcast we're doing for free. Absolutely free of charge. We're getting, we've already done over sort of two and a half million downloads. We'll probably do four million downloads by the end of the series. If I had a quid, I don't even want to discuss it, Rick. You are gutting, I'm absolutely furious. Because I said to you when we studied, I said to you when we studied, I said, why, why, you were going, oh, let's give something like six thousand emails as well..... I I I I I I I I I I I I I I. I they they they they, and I. And I, and I, and I, and I th. And I th. And I th. th. th. thirty, I thirty, I thirty, I thirty, I thirty, I'll thirty, I'll thirty, it, it, thirty, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. If, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. th. th. th. If, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We, th. th. We, th. We, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to the. We'll probably, the. We'll probably, tho. tho. We'll probably, the. We want to pay, I want to charge crazy money for it. I've been a fool. We've had about something like 6,000 emails as well. If we channel this to good, because you know what I mean?

This internet has been set up billions and billions and billions of dollars go on this cyber highway back and forth doing good stuff, communicating, sending people into space, commerce and people, hundreds of thousands of people are sending me pictures of Carl as a monkey. I know exactly. I mean it's unbelievable. It's not what this system was created for. Thank you for all your emails as well. That costs us as well a little bit because they're going through the website which costs us a little bit of money. It also costs me and my precious time having to wade through the crap the crap. precious time having to wade through the crap that gets sent to us. Thanks to Kieran Gabriel from Merseyside who sent me a picture of Carlos Bruce Willis.

It's the effort. We'll put all these up on the website. David Weinstein is starting his own t-shirt range, I could eat a knob at night and Paul Devon sent me this caricature of Carl and it's brilliant. Again I think they're wasting their energies. it's actually a their their their their their their their their their their th. It's th. I's th. I's th. I's thease. I's theathea. I's th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm theathea. I'm th. I'm th. I'll th. I'll th. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. I'll. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, the. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's t. It's t. It's t. It's t. It's totea. It's totea. It's totea.a.a.a. It's t.a.a. It's t. It's t. It's ttheir energies. It's actually a brilliant painting of a little round, bald-headed mank, some sort of like freak creature. Whereas he could have done a beautiful painting, but thanks to all those. I mean I have actually waded through the emails and I obviously again like Ricky, I echo the thanks for sending in all the different questions and comments about the the show. And there's so many it's impossible, I it's th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, I thi, I, I, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, their, their, their, thin, the, the, the, the, the, thin, the, the, their, their, their, thin, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thri, thi, thi, thi. thi. thri. thi. thi. thi. thi, their, their, it's impossible to even reply to them or talk about them but a couple of that have struck me Emily from New York has asked Carl this Carl if you were on a sinking ship or you were

in a building and you were with myself and Ricky but you could only save one of us who would you save one of us yeah who would you save would be Ricky or I think it's a two-man dinghy. Right, okay. Possibly. And we're trapped and he knows that if he stays there to get both our legs out from under this thing. The girder, he dies. So he's got room, he's got time to save one. It's obviously me. Um, it's hard to say, isn't it, thrue. to say, to say, they. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thr. th. th. he's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. He. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's th. He's th. the. thr. thr. He's to. to. he to. to. to. to. he thee. thee. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's, no just because we don't know what the situation is. Okay well let's say we're on a sinking ship all right so you're gonna have to rescue one of us drag us into the dinghy. It's going under you know you know in 30 seconds okay this ship's gonna go under and drag you down and you're going to die right and our legs are trapped and you've got enough to untangle one set of legs. to th untangle? Now just because my legs are long does not necessarily mean it's more complicated. No, it's exactly the same amount of time, just have to make a choice. A terrible choice that Steve would not, you know, hate you for. Well,

no, listen, all this is all the true and he's going to be drowards. Well,this, Carl, you are going to be stuck in a dingy with Ricky Givais and who knows how long that's going to take. Think of all the head squeezing that's going to be going on, the comments, the wine, and do you honestly think that he's going to, if there's any provisions that he's going to split them evenly with you. I mean, he's going to have to eat, the baked beans that you've got on board. Come on. It's me, you know how generous I am. I'm always sort of ending you out in their own coffin there. You know how generous I am, Carl.

Let's talk about that, Carl. Come on. Think about that one. Yeah, I mean, have you forgot about the 50 pens change. Yeah you owed me 50P and you decided you didn't want to give it to me because it was only 50P and my point was it's not a question of 50P it's the fact that it's not your decision to decide not to give it to me. If I wanted to be generous that's my decision to go oh it's only it's only only only only only only only only only only only only only it's only it's only it's only the th you's only thin I I I I's only it's only thin I's only thin' I's only it's only thin' I's only thin' I's only thin' I's only th so th so th th th oh oh oh oh oh it's only thi I's only th th oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh it's the the the the the the the the the the th th th the the the the that's the the the that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi thi. No, but yes, but that was, that did not come to you and you didn't pay for the free keg of beer, it was a promotional thing that was sent to you. It's the same thing as the way I gave Suzanne my leading present from my last job. A lot of people a job. A lot of people may not be aware of this if they haven't th. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi that that thi thi thi that that that that that that that that that thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi th. And you th. And you th. And you th. And you th. And you th. And you th. And you th. And you didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that thi. And you then gave straight to your girlfriend without telling her that it had been received from people at work. Doesn't matter actually what the camera? It's the same thing as you.

You wanted that lager that I got for free. It hasn't cost you anything. It doesn't matter where I got it from. So you now decide because you've given me a free carlaga argue, you're rocking the dinghy. Carl, have some of my cheese. Imagine if he would, do you imagine he would ever say that? Can you imagine him ever, ever offering you any of his cheese? Are you going to save, Kyle, mate? I don't want to say. Can we say on the website? Can you just do a little explanation of why on the website? Can they, well think about it? I might do a sort of a thahahahahahahahahah. thah. thia. thia. thia, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, do a thi, do a thi, do a thi, do thi, do thi, do thi, do thi, do to to to to he. Do you he imagine he to to to he, do hee, do hee, do hee, do hea, do he imagine he he he imagine he he he. Do you, do he. Do you, do he. Do you, do he. Do you, do he. Do you, do he. Do you he. Do you he. Do you he. Do you, do he. Do he. Do he. Do he. Do he. Do he. Do he, do he. Do thi, do thi, do thi, do thi, do to to to to to to to to imagine he would to imagine he would to imagine he would imagine he would imagine he would to to to thi, do he, do he. Do you would for something and then sort of so the conclusion is.

Okay, all right. Go to Ricky Javais.com. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Well I've been waiting for this for a week. It's a regular feature now when we read from Carl's diary. Carl decides to keep a diary. He's gone through with it. I could see it there. It's massive. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a huge. It's a huge. It's a huge. It's a huge. It's a huge. It's a huge. It's a th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. to goaq. Goaq. Goaq. Goaq. Goaqqqqqqqqqqqqq. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. Goa. th. Goa. th. th. th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a th. It's a th. It's a th. It's a the. It's a t. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's a th. th. th.'s gone through with it. I could see it there. It's massive. It's a huge desk diary that he has to carry around with him and he is if the pages are getting full up you're really

keeping to this. Right? This is a extracts from Carl's diary. Did podcast and went for an Italian with Ricky and Steve. the Italian place is good. We've been there a few times. I always have the same thing, spaghetti. Can't remember what everyone else had. Last time he went there, Steve had little octopuses with pasta. You could see that they were octopuses, they hadn't been cut up or anything. My rule is that I only eat stuff that looks nice when it's alive. It looks like it just shouldn't have been sat in the spigety. some fish. An octopus is an odd-looking thing alive, even worse when it's dead and limp. It looks like it just shouldn't have been sat in the spigae. Yeah, I agree. I agree with that.

Ricky drew another picture of my head. We've given a few of them away his prizes, but he draws so many of them that they won't be worth as much anymore. Everyone will eventually have one. Like those pictures of a boy crying that caused houses to burn down in the 1980s. What does that mean? What are you talking about? Don't you remember the, I mean if you're listening in America they might not have made it over there. Is it the, what, the sort of like the sugary ones with kids? Like is it Techikov or something? It's just some kid, my aunt in ore had one and it was like, and it was a a th. And it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, th. It's, th. It's just some kid, my aunt in o'er had one and it was just like a kid with like a blue jumper on and he's, it's like a painting not a photo of that and he's just crying. Like a chocolate box, it's really awful sort of sugary. And what happened

is it, they found out that a load of houses were being set on fire or burst into flames, whatever and the weird thing was. Oh it's bollock. Every house that burnt down had that... Yeah, because every house had that picture in the fucking seven is and eight is. Idiot. It's like, we're linking it to sinks. Every house that's ever burnt down had a sink. You're talking shit again. Carry on. Wednesday. Saw a homeless bloke.

I'm surprised that no companies have thought about sponsoring. ..... their.. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. tha. tha. tha. tha. thi. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. thi. thiolk. thoom. thoom. th. their. the th. th. the th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. thea. thea. thean. thean. thiiiiii. thiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th homeless, something like a clothing company. Give them some clothes that have an advert on the back. Everyone's a winner. Good idea. Not bad, is it? Got on the tube to Camden. Read in a free newspaper that hedgehogs could be gone by 2025. I think I've seen more dead hedgehogs than alive ones anyway, so I don't think I'll miss them. Went round to Ricky's house and had a game of Paul. It should have been nice and relaxing, but Jane gave me some cake and Ricky said, I can't

play Paul if my hands are all sticky. From cake. It was some sugar. And it wasn't that either. After he'd finished it, they weren't just sticky. He was licking his fingers, he was licking his fingers, and then was going to pick up Paul Cuse and I was thinking. This turned into an argument when I said I didn't want to wash my hands. Why didn't they? He goes for a piss all the time without washing his hands and then squeezes my head. I know I preferred to have lemon cake crumbs on my head, the knob juice.

Was gonna do a crossword, but I'm tired and have learned enough today. What have you learned? Well, the stuff about edgehogs on that. I was on my way to my mates and I got on a train. Got close to a station but realized I needed a wee. I was about to go in a cubicle when a blind man with a dog who was bumbling his way through the walkway came around. I said, are you after the toilet? He said, yeah. I said it's on your right. I shouldn't let him the the the the the the the the to let him the the to let him the to let him the the to let him the to let him the to let him the to let him the to let him the to let him to let him the to to to to the to to to toe. toe. He toe. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's. He's t. He's. He's. He's t. He's. He's. He's t. He's. He's. He's. He's on your right I shouldn't let him go first as he took ages and it would be my stop soon the dog waiting outside the cubicle I was gonna stroke it but then I remembered someone tellain me that you shouldn't don't don't why not because something to do with

the owner should be the only one who sort of deals with that and you shouldn't stoke it to the to you the No, but just because, you know, if you stroke it in that, it might like me and want to go off with me and he'll come out and be lost and stuff. Yeah. I'm not totally sure, but I just thought... The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. Few people have sent this in, including Paul the party animal Parker. I wonder if anyone else in his school, for some reason we've just assumed he's in school. I don't think there's any actual proof of that. But do you think? I reckon he left in June and he's doing sort of bits and pieces, but he's still not a party animal.

Do you think, I mean, do you think he can hold down a job? Is he just partying so hard? He can't th can hold he can hold he can hold he can hold he he he he he he he he he he he he he he. He can he. He can't he. He can't th. He can't th. He th. He th. He th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. I th. I he. I he. I he. I's he. I's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there there there there there there. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's thi. He's thi. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's thi. He's thi. He's thi. He's the boss who's in an overall go Parker you're late again he goes yeah talk to the hand I think that he's a sort of guy that you know he'll just happily say listen I can I survive on four hour sleep yeah I'm not slept at all but I think he comes in with his headphones blaring right on a on a skateboard and the bloke the old bloke the old floak the old fuddly bloody bloc goes you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you th th th th th th th th th th th th I I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I I I I I th I I th I th I I I I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I th I thin I thin I think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think thin I thin I thin I thin I thi thi to him the old bloke right the old fuddy-duddy bloke goes you you you stupid idiot you can't were there he goes he goes chill out man and in two minutes he's got him dancing oh I know what he's like yeah he is just like you just can't resist it because he's just he's just a fun guy yeah anyway to throw the thi to the thi too-he the the the the thi thi thi thr-I thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. the theeee. He's the. He's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. he's the. he's the. he's the. he the. he the. he the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee he's he's he he he he th information they've discovered from one of the more respected news networks. The headline is this, female kidney turns Lumberjack onto housework. Right. Now a Croatian lumberjack apparently has

claimed that he started enjoying housework and knitting after he was given a female kidney. He claims he's going to sue his local health authority because he says he's become a laughing stock. He used to enjoy heavy drinking concessions and things. The kidney transplant saved the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their toe. their their toe. their their their. their. their. their. their. He's. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. He's. He's. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. Hea. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's t. He's te. He's. He's. He's. He's. He's to enjoy heavy drinking sessions and things. The kidney transplant saved his life, but they never warn me about the side effects. I've developed a strange passion for female jobs like ironing, sewing, washing dishes, sorting clothes and wardrobes and even knitting. Well if he likes it, what's the problem? It's nonsense. Hold on though, what makes me laugh

is he's become a laughing stock. So what do you do when you become a laughing stock? Tell the newspapers. Tell the newspapers about it because then that keep it completely under wraps. But it's the sort of medical nonsense that Kyle would normally come out with. Absolutely, that you know you take on the personality of the person who certain medical things that would change the way you think and would change you as a person say like how they can do face transplants now yeah right I mean I don't quite understand how this face transplants work because do you get a choice of who you have if you have something done to your face and you go you know you

it's burn or whatever something done to your face and you go you know you know it's burnt or whatever or something happens to you and you need a face transparent. Well if you change if you totally changed your appearance then you would eventually change because of how people reacted to you. Yeah but if you gave yourself the head of an elephant soon you wouldn't you wouldn't you wouldn't be yourself because of it I wouldn't have that's what I'm saying if they had a catalog and they said here's some faces you can have pick which one you want yeah would you be looked upon badly if you go do you know what I don't really like the look of any of them can I just wait for a better face or at this moment in time have you just got to set what's on offer Carl there's no one looking through catalogs at faces they might be able to have in the face no they they no no no no they no they no they no they no they no they no they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they to to to to try to try to try to try they're they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they're they they do now because of the face transplant thing. But who are these people putting their face up for, they wait till someone... Yeah I know but at some point,

well I tell you what, I would not have a face transplant if I haven't seen the face before I'm going to have it. You, you have had to have it. I want to know what I mean? Whose head are they going to use? Is it the latest thing that's died? Oh well this got run over before? Yeah, I'll stick this on your head. But where is this come from? Where all his mind? Where are these faces queuing up to me popped on a skull? Where do you think they have got time to put all these... Maybe this is why it won't catch on. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. this head the existence of this pamphlet and now you're defending it even though we don't know even exist. You're this skull on a hospital bed going on that. I mean that, I don't like the look of him, he looks a bit shifting. I don't like that, oh no. Can I ask this now? Let's say you, we were both, we passed away sadly in something terribly tragic. The nation's, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, the nation, then, then, thininat is, th thirty, and thirty, and thirty, and th th th th th th th thirty, you, you, you, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, and you're, you're, and you're, and you're, and you're, and you're, and you're, and you're, and th th th th th th th th th th th thi. And, and thi. And, and thin. thin. thin. thin. thin, and thin, you're, you're, and thin, you're, and that that that that that that that that that that that that, and you're, you're, and you're, and youned, you know, it's terrible, it's like one of the great national disasters, but you, at the same time, you survived the accident, okay, but your face is hideously disfigured, you can take either Ricky's face or mine to have...

I'm surprised you're asking this though, Steve. I mean, I mean, it's just, it doesn't seem like any of them is like a great option. Oh, thank! And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the their, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their. the the th. It's, thr. It's thr-I. It's just, thr-I. It's just, th. It's just, th. It's just, th. thr-I. th. thr-I. It's, th. It's th. It's just, it doesn't seem like any of them is like a great option. Oh thanks. And this is what I'm saying about the catalogue. If those two were on offer, I might go, do you know what? Popping again tomorrow, bringing another booklet. The Ricky Javais Show on Guardian Unlimited. This is from Anne-Marie Melvin in Amsterdam. She says that she loves the podcast. She listens with her seven months old baby.

That cannot be a good idea. And she says this to you, Carl. If you had children, what is the most important lesson you'd want to teach them? Uh, I mean, in a way, if you sort of look after a kid too much, it doesn't learn that much. But if you let it learn by its mistakes, it'll probably grow up all right. But there are some mistakes you can't afford it to make to learn from. Yeah. Driving a car the wrong way down a motorway. Testing if the fire really is hot. No, but say like the term... Does broken glass really taste horrible? These are lessons you don't want it to learn from mistakes. You can tell them th. You th. You the the the the the the th. You th. th. the th. th. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. the the the the the the thi. that. the. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. But thi. But thi. thi. th. It's th. It's to th. to th. to the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. too. too. too. too. too to to to too to toeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. tho. It's tho't want it to learn from estate. You can tell them that. But what I mean is, but what I mean is there's certain things that, I just think

there was a kid who grew up in our avenue, right, on the estate, who, when it was born, right, we kind of thought it's got no chance you know, she like going out and having a fag and like having a drink and she's never at home. It's the one who had the horse in the house. Sure. Which I don't want to go over. It's all new to. It's out there, isn't it? If you want to find out about the horse in the house. But she was a good-looking kid. She was a surprise because like you know the man wasn't that good looking the dad was a bit rough but it came out and she was showing it around the avenue going look at this I've had and she was she was chuff with it because it's probably like one of the newest things she's ever had because everything else was always

sort of second down and what you but suddenly she's got this brand new little baby. Anyway, as it grew up, right, those looks went. And I'm not talking getting old, I'm talking by the age of about three. It looked rough already, right? And all that, that just happened because that's the life it was in, right? Yeah. So like, it used toto it had like a patchy head. It's a... It was what? It had a patchy head? It's just sort of... it wasn't it was a patchy, he used to chase sort of cars and stuff. It's just... It's just that's what he did? It was patchy, he used to chase sort of cars and stuff. It's just that's what he did his... Sorry, did she later get raised by wolves? No. But all I'm saying is that at the end of the day, what is it that makes a person?

Do you know what I mean? Now I don't know what state he's in now, but maybe you learn all these mistakes by the age of four. I'm guessing he's not chasing cars now, but at least he's done it. I'm guessing he is. Yeah, do you know what I mean? At least you can go yeah I've been there done that and you don't go back to it and you can get away with doing daft of things when you're a kid, can't you? I nearly killed a man once. Oh, okay right? Well that time when I was in Wales and I was having a walk with my dad on the cliffs and that I just picked up a rock right. Chucked it it it off off off off off off off off off off. I the edge it the edge I I I was I was I was I was a the edge it off. I was a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the tooked. I was I was I was a the the the tooked. I was the the the the the the the the the the the their. I was their. I was their. I was their. I was the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I was. down below and I missed his head by like inches. Now I've never tuced a rock off a bridge or like off a cliff or anything. And it only took one man to almost lose his life for you to learn that lesson. Yeah but that's how you learn your lessons. See a lot people would have said maybe your dad should say, wait, they're doing it. No. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I I've their, I I I've their, I I I I I I I've their, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I, I I I I I've their, I've their, I've their, I've their, I've tuck. I've tuck tucked. I've never never never never never never never tucked. I've never never never never tucked. I've never never never never chucked. I've never never never chucked, I've never never never chucked, I've never never tuck doing it. I didn't say I'm going to chuck this off there. I just picked it up and chucked it and like

as I let go of it I noticed a fellow was down there. You live and you learn. That's a little mantra. All right. And you learn. So the woman who's had the t. There's the advice for you, Anne-Marie. Good luck, just let your seven-month-old baby roam about. Carl, a lot of people are absolutely fascinated to find out how you met Suzanne, your girlfriend of how long? Uh, ages. Yeah. And they just they can't comprehend how, well I suppose that there's any woman out there. Well there's someone for everyone, isn't they? That's always my thing. And it's reassuring I think, you know we're chatting about the face

transplants and that, you know, there's a face for everyone. It's philosophy, isn't it. I mean it's really unbelievable. No, there is someone for everyone no matter what condition you're in or whatever. Because I read on the email, someone emailed in an old Chinese proverb. Is it old though? You know the Chinese proverbs don't age well. It's something about, uh,, everything, no matter what it is, it's got one talent. And that's the same way in a relationship, in it, that everyone, you know, there's always someone out there and that.

I like the Chinese, there's another Chinese proverb that I learned on an email. Go on. Um, he who cuts the Chinese, there's another Chinese proverb that I learned on an email. Go on. He who cuts the wood up, warms himself twice. Yeah, that's good. And then someone sent in that one about too many Chinese cooks spoil the broth. What, well why is, well that's, I don't know, I don't know who slipped the word Chinese in there, but I heard it as too many cooks. Well it was all, it was just all sort of Chinese proverbs and that. One of my favourite on the same subject is a camel is a horse designed by committee. What do you mean? Well, I mean it's having to go at the camel and it shouldn't, but it's just, you know, it's just a metaphor. If you wanted to design a horse and you had that vision, but you let 12 people in the

room have their say, it wouldn't come out as you wanted it to do and it wouldn't be as good. A vision is more perfect than committee because everyone having their say it becomes andine, it becomes compromised whereas the best things you can do is have an idea and have a vision and Oter that Rick can I just say now I can tell from his look that he's thinking which committee design the camel? Well I'd just say I'd say you why would you request the ump but because that's just going to get in the way in it? I mean I've always I've always said that about a lot of animals it's like we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've we've th we've th we've th we've th we've th we've th we've th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to have to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I to. I've to. I've to. I've to. I've to. t. I've to. to. to. I've to. I've to. I've to. I've to. I've to. I've to. to. to. t to get in the way, isn't it? I mean I've always said that about a lot of animals. It's like we've doubled up on a lot of them.

We've chatted about elephants and mammoths, one or the other. And that's the same with a camel, I'd have that up there as what they're doing. They were good years ago in the Jesus times and that. Don't need them now. You them them? We've moved on. Well not people who use camels to cross deserts. What other? I'm going to throw some animals at you and you tell how you'd have improved them if you'd have been designing them. Okay? The octopus. The octopus. So I can now go back, I can look at them and go, what are they doing? And where are they gone wrong? How could you improve it? Like the camel. they're they're they're they're they're they're? they're. they're. they're. they're. they're. their. they're their. they're their. their. their. they're their. their. their. their. th. th. to to th. th. I'm to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to throw. I' their. I' their. I' their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. could you improve it? Like they can or you go lose the amp. I'd probably give it a bit more of a body, cut down on the arms, and give it some bones. Because I don't understand all this, it getting in a jar is good.

When does it want to get in a jar? It says... Well it only wants to get in a jar according to your stories. No, but there's something that says it can get in a jar because it hasn't got any bones, but I don't know why I want to do that in the first place. Easy. I can't even begin to answer that. Once again, you've said, you've claimed that you've read that they like to get in jars in in in in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars in jars the their the like to get in jars. Oh God, I love it. You can improve on an octopus. Millions and millions of years of evolution, making it perfect for its surroundings. Okay, another animal for you then, Carl. Um, giraffe?

Um, what are they adding? Um, what are they adding? What are they doing? Well, it's not like what they add to the world, is it? I thought that's what everything's about. It's about things are here for a reason. Well, they, no, because they work. The only reason is that they survived, they passed on their genetic material and evolved and was chosen by nature. It was selected. But there seems to be a lot of... The reason they're here is because they're the reason, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, they, they, because, they, they, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, they, because, they, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, they're, they're, they're, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they're, they're, because, because, because, because, because, because, they No, but they seem to be a lot of animals that are like... Do you think there's a lot of cheating, is that what you're saying? There's a lot of doubling up. Yeah,

so you want, you want, you get it down to like eight animals that represented all other, okay, who would get in your in your team? You can choose eight animals. This is what I'm saying. If I was Noah, I would have gone like, I've to to to to to go, I've to to to go, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, I'm like, I'm like, like, like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm like, I'm like, to to to to to to get to, I, I, I, to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. I, th. I, th. th. thi, thi, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th seen something that looks a bit like this, let it drown and have a clear out, but he didn't. He was messing about saving everything. He was instructed by God to save everything, to be fair to him. Yeah, but if he's been given that job, for me, he's sort of manager of that job, with management. So you believe Noah as well. You believe Noah happened as well and he built a boat big enough to two of every species. You actually believe that as fat, dear? Well it's out there in book form.

Brilliant. All right. We haven't answered the question that we started with. How did you meet Suzanne? Does that work? Thanks. Oh, chimpanzee that market! There was this airline and um, it's having a lot of problems and a lot of the...

What, pilots too tall? The cabin was so tiny. Only bananas were allowed in the cockpit for fuel. Anyway, there was a lot of strikes going on, right? Because, um, I don't know what it was about, it was over or whatever and the... Well gets to get some it doesn't need money yeah but but what else could you pay something in well Rick can we even one but so if he's peanuts so if he's a the boss of the airline they had like one pilot who he could trust right and that was his son right but the problem is with a lot of these planes you need two pilots of course you do and he's like like like like like like like like like the the the the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their. their. I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. the. I. the the the the the the the to. I'm. the the their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I. I. I's. I. I. But. But. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I... I...... I. I.........................................................................................................................., you need two pilots. Of course you do. And he's like if I only had two sons, but he didn't, there's no point hopping on about it.

Right? Sure. Is it, he runs an airline? Yeah. But how many pilots are there? But how many pilots are there? There's loads. But the pro that were striking was it? Yeah, the pilots were striking, yeah.

So all the ground staff and luggage handers and all that was okay and the care of the try. They were fine, it's just pilots. We're not happy with the deal and what have you? We just, just close it down. No, no, no, no. You can't. line is it? No, no, it's all the planes. Yeah, I know exactly, so if he's only got one person you can trust, knock it on the head. No, no, no, what's the point? You've got to keep going. You can't just nip stuff in the bud like that. If you've got a dream, keep it like that. If you've got a dream, keep it alive. I know. I know, but not with one plane, if he's a. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. If you'. If th. If you've th. If you've th. If th. If th. If th. If you've got. If you've got. If you've got. If you've got. If you've got. If you've got. If you've got. If you've th. If you've th. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. If. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to fly the country. So the son is flying the planes and that is getting worried for his dad because of his business it's thrown apart. He's like anyway, listen. One plane would make any difference. Don't worry about it. We've found someone who you can

work with and he's like, but I get past the picket line because you know, they know I'm your son anyway and they'll leave me alone but any other pilot they're going to start to start to start to start to start to start to start to start.... to start to start to start. He. to start. to to the to over the heads of all the strikers. He said he's staying over near the sort of quarantine area where all the animals are kept and stuff. Oh, yeah. They won't be looking in there. They won't bother. So he's like, all right. But there's no animal that could be a co-pilot, that's why. I'll that's why. I I I I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's why. I's why. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. He's staying. He's staying. they. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's they. He's they. He's they. He's staying. He's they. He's staying. He's they. He's they. He's they. He's they. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's they. He's they. He's they. He's they. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's staying. He's they. He's they. He's the the the cockpit. And we are in the cockpit, yeah. So anyway, he gets in there, he meets them, at first little bit of a shark who is going to be working with, but he's thinking, as long as I can keep my dad's business alive, I can keep a job. Not with one plane. So anyway, what happens is the strikes going through the roof, he's flying. He's flying. He's got them. They can't believe how smooth they are. Sure. You know, the shares are going through the roof, everybody's like what it's the

one plane they've got. Oh, one plane they've got. Everyone's saying, you know, it's only a small plane but it's worth getting on there if you can't. Because it's a great, it's a great experience. Oh, gone under, I'd I'd tho. I their their their their their their they. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's their. It's their. It's got. It's got. It's got. It's got. It's just. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. This. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. It's one. This. It's one. This. the air and what I view and everybody's you know booking the holidays it's almost like the favorite bit of the holiday they love in the flights that much. Why? Because it's really good flight. I don't understand what difference. It makes. So anyway everyone's happy then one day what happens is a little bit of a problem. You're not you're not going to tell us that that sort the the the the the to you to to to to to to to to to to the to the to to the the to the the the the the the their. their. their. their. their. their their their their their. their their their their. their. their. their. they're they're they're they're they're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. Because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because because to be a to be a to be. I I I I. to be. their. their. their. their. their. t t today. today. today. today. tell. tell. tell. their. thepilot Cocoa is he's not able to make it to work, is he? Well, what happened is one woman who was on the plane got a bit peckish, right? And said, said to the air host, this woman, said, oh, that little bit peckles, have you got any sort,

a little nibbles and that? She went, uh, no, we've got a sandwich you want something you know like the usual stuff that planes give out just like a bag of nuts or something what are they not giving those out yet so no they don't give it for some reason she was like look we've we've stopped giving out the nuts we can get your sandwich and the one was I don't their sandwich I just want some nuts I just want to their sandwich I just want to to some nuts their nuts what you know what their their they's was was was was was was was was was was was was was was they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're not not not not not not not they're they're they're not they're not so so so so I I I can can can can't can't can't can't can't can't you can't you can't can't can't can't can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't you can't I I I can't get the their you can't get you can't get you can't get you can't get you can't get you can't get you get you get you get you you their you you their you can't get you you can't get you can the cutbacks we've never took the nuts back on it. So she wouldn't just leave it she wanted a nuts right she's having a lovely flight and everything she's they can't can not complain about the flight the flight no job whoever is up there their great job but I need some great job but I need some not I need some there there aren't any there so there aren't any. Look she's paid big money, right? She's probably in frisk class. She wants nuts, she's going to get nuts. There aren't any, leave it. She has to force her way into

the cabin to get nuts, she's going to get nuts. Well she can't go there because she will be shot. With security problems and that, there's no way she could ever go to the cockpit. That would never happen. So she said, well you're saying the saying, you saying, you saying, you saying, you saying, you saying, you saying, you saying, you saying, you're saying, you're saying, you're saying, you're saying, you're saying, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their way their their way their way their way their way their way to to to force to force to to to force to to force to to force to force their their their their their their to to to to to to to to their to their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. She's th. She's th. She's th. She's thea. She's tha. She's tha. She's tha. She's tha. She's tha. She's tha. She's tha. She's tha. She two coaques and two bags and nuts. She said, so you're saying there aren't any, but the pilots get it. Well aren't he now? That was the last two buckets. Done. No, no, no. So she's going to, you can't. the last two. So she's going, you know, so. told you're going to. So she said, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, they, so, they, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, they, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. there, the. there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. once and I'm going over I know this is it she was saying you can not go over she's going listen yeah I'm gonna go over because no no you can't no you can't so she goes so I'm not in the pilot can they all this chat about the nuts and what have you and he's thinking what's going on out there yeah he opens a door yeah she gets a glance in a little monkey the monkey sat the tho the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their monkey their fucking their fucking fucking their monkey their monkey their fc I'm their mc I'm their mc I'm their mc I'm their mc I their mc I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th th their their toy toy toy toy toy toy toy tttttoy their their their their their their their their their the end of another podcast. Do register on Ricky Gervais.com where we have an email you and tell you what's happening when we finish this run of podcast. We might have some downloads at the moment we're

working on animating all the monkey uses. So look forward to that. The absolute bullshit that is monkey use in all its glory. This was hosted by positive internet. Great guys. The great guys that host the world's number one podcast. Cheerio from me, Ricky Javais and Steve Merchant. Goodbye. I'm Carl Pilkington. The Ricky Gervais Show on Guardian Unlimited. you know,