The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S2E1 (February 27, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series two of the podcast began on 28 February 2006. It consisted of 6 episodes with the final one released on 4 April 2006. The series saw the return of Karl's Diary and Rockbusters. A new (though short-lived; it was only presented in the first episode) feature was also introduced in order to replace Pilkington's "Monkey News", called "Real Monkey News", where Gervais attempts to present facts about chimpanzees which are factual and scientific.With the start of series two, the formerly free Ricky Gervais Show shifted to a pay model – and as a result the show is now classified as an audiobook. It is available through Audible and the iTunes Store with individual episodes. The reason for this addition, according to Ricky on the podcast, is because The Guardian agreed to pay for the bandwidth for 12 episodes, and any more extra episodes would have to be paid for out of their personal finances.

Hello and welcome to the all new Ricky Jovey show with me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, Hello and Carl Pilkington. You say all new Rick, in what way is this all new? I mean it seems very similar. It's me and Carl. I suspect we're going to be talking bollocks. I tell you what's new about it. This time you have to pay for it. Ha ha! Well that is a nice new development. Yeah, but what about within the content of the show? Any of the classic features, Monkey News? Well I think Carl retired Monkey News? I don't know why.

So that's been axed. It's I think there'd be a campaign, you know, if I know our listeners and I don't want to, then they'll be doing an internet campaign now to bring back Monkey News. I just want a quick question because it's a little bit confused. Is this show 13, because we've just done 12, or is this show 1 of the Ornia Ricky Vase show? Right. Is it the hell? What's it, what's it? Is it, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is it, is, is, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the internet, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, mean? Well that's like that question that I put to you about say if like we I don't know we do something wrong to this world runs out of whatever we need I don't know how it works. You put yourself down I think you do and I think you probably just whatever the reason is if it you're talking you are talking yourself having a job with NASA putting yourself down like that. I think they know exactly how the world works.

No, no, but you know, just like say if we had to go to another world, right, what year would it be? Yeah. I explained, I told you, it depends because it doesn't matter where you start, right, it it depends what a year is. A year is a year because that's how long it takes our planet to go round our sun. A day is a day because that's how long it takes the world to revolve once. I know but you can't, you can't go to another world and then start changing everything because people are going to be a bit unnervy about being on different soil. But it's not going to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be the to be the their their their their their their their thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi thi. thi thi. thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. ta. it's not their choice. You can't go to a planet and go and we've got to speed this planet up. It's not all going through the space quickly enough. Yeah, but everybody's, you know like, especially older people, they're setting the ways, right?

I don't think older people set in their ways are going to pack their bags and go to Mars. No, but if they have they have to. they're they're they're they're they're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to go going. to go going to go to go to go th. thoing. thoing. thoing. thoome. thoing. thoing. thoing. thoing. thoing. thoing. thoing. thoing. th. th. th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. that. that. tha. to to to to toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. But, toea. But, tha. tha. tha. But, tha. tha. tha. that isn't a point all I'm saying... What are they going to be moaning about days are shorter here or days are longer aren't they? Yeah you know what they like? But all people don't care they like short days, they don't get out of bed do they until late? They've got nothing to get up for and they're going to bed early?. Right. So what do you do? If I was in charge, I'd just say, yeah, carry on. It's 2007, it's September. It's a Thursday, get on with it. Brilliant. I think, because people are going to be...

26 hours later, with a new day, and 480 days later, oh, it was another year, 2008. I was trying to explain to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to him to was trying to explain to him yesterday in a cafe about the telescopes that can see back to the Big Bang. Why did you do well I was trying to explain what a light year was then I was explaining that you know you sit down you put it telescope on you're looking at a star the star the star explodes a million years ago and he he couldn't have it I was going you're literally the you you the the the the the to to to the to to to to the to the to to to the told. told. to told. You told. told. told. I told. I was. I was try. I was try. I was try. You're tel. I was that's that's that's. I was to me. I was to me. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I's is. I's is. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I's. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm a t. I'm a t. I'm a t. S. I'm. S. I'm. I'm. S. S. I'm. I'm. S. I'm. S. I'm. I'm. So. So. S. I'm. I'm. S. I'm. S. I'm. I'm. S. I'm. S. and he couldn't have it. I was going, you're literally seeing it explode a million years ago because that's how

long the light. And I started telling that you know someone on another planet far far away could be watching the 1980 World Cup final if they had a strong enough telescope because that's how long it took to get it. Look at his face. I can see his head bleeding. I just don't, so are you saying... Why did you start doing this in a cafe? Was it a 24 hour cafe? What are you thinking? But are you saying then, there could be an alien fella?

No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that just like we can see things happening in other planets, other solar systems that happened millions of years ago, there could be a little alien fellow with a telescope watching the battle of Aistings if he was far enough away. Do you understand the concept of what Rick is saying that light is traveling at a certain speed which means it hasn't necessarily arrived here yet? So we could all really live history though is what I mean. No we couldn't because we're backwards. We're backwards. Well no, one you'd have to travel faster than the speed of

light. Yeah I know but say if we can do all that. Well that's the big thing you you can't. No I know but you know it's only a matter of time time to do it? thrown. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their time. their time. their time. their time. their time. their their time. their time it's only time. time. their their their time time time time time time time time time time time time is. their time i's their time. their time. their time. their time. their time. their time. It's only. It's only. It's only. It's only. It's only is is is is. time. time. time. time. It's only is's only is's only is's only is's only is only is only is only is only time. time. time. time. time. the time. the time. It's only time. It's only time. time. time. It's only time. time. time. It's only time. It's only time. It's only the time. It's only the the time. It's only time. It's only to do it because we can just go back in time. Well, but if time travels possible, right, eventually, then it's already happened and they've come back. Yeah, no, but what I mean is, it's one of those inventions that we're not in a rush to do because... No, what I'm saying is, if it's possible, then it will happen, and if it will happen, it has in the future. Yeah but we don't know about that yet do we? No but you see my point? Not really. Okay.

Yeah but it's not that great just because you're seeing that far because there's nothing in the way. You're looking at nothing, space is nothing. What you're looking at? They say? What do they say? What do they say? What do they say say? they say? they say? they say? What do say? What do say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? they say? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What they say? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?. th say?. th say?. What?. What?. What?. What?.?.?. What? Is? What? Is? What? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is? Is they say? Is they say? Is they say? Is they say? Is they say? Is they say? What? What is? What is? What is? What is? What is? What is, what? What is? What is, what? What is they say? What is, what? What is they say? What is they say? What? What? What? Is they say? Is they say? Is they say? I don't know. What if only had a saying there at your fingertips? What I mean is the universe, they say it's non-stop, there's no sides to it. No, they don't say that. Scientists have never said that.

He's hens of it. Now, Carl, I know you're fascinated by the concept of the doppelganger of seeing someone who looks exactly like you. Jake has emailed in, he says, Carl, th, the the the the the the the the the the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi' thi' thi' they' they' they' they' they' they' is they' is they' they' is they' they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they's they's they's they's they's they's they's thi, thi, thi, thi, their thi, their thi, thin, thin, thin, thin, tho-s, thoanan, thoanan' thoanan' thoanan' thoanan' thoanan' thoan' thin, they're they're they're concept of the doppelganger of seeing someone who looks exactly like you. Jake has emailed him. He says, Carl, if you could spend a day with an exact replica of you, okay, so somehow they've cloned you, Carl and you've got him for one day, what would you do with this? What would you, what would you, what would you make him do, what would you, what conversation? What would you do, there anything you could you know how would you utilize him for one day well they'd both say I'm not bothered and that would be the end of conversation what would do me adding is does it does it think

the same way look the same way exactly the same yeah how would I know which one I was? Because you'd be you that's amazing how would I know which one I was no no because That is the most stupid thing ever said by a human being. Can we get the Guinness of Records on this? I mean out there, listen people, have you heard anything more stupid than how would I know which one I was? It's the most stupid thing any human being has ever said by definition. But think about it, this other person's going, all right, thanks for meeting up in that? Hang a hang a th. th. th. No. No. No. No, that. No, that. No, that. No, that. No, that. No, that. That that. That that, that, that, that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is th? That is th? That is th. th. That is th. That is th. No, th. That is th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi? the most the most the most the most the most the most the most the most thi thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi. other person's going, all right, thanks for meeting up and that. And I go, hang on a minute. No, you came to me. And then Susan would come home and she wouldn't know the difference. And then suddenly you start doubting yourself. And you go, should I be leaving? Or, so how do I know if I am that, if he knows what I know? that? And then, you know who I'm that........ So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, the. And, th. And, the. And, th. And, they. And, they. And, th. And, th. And, to. And, to. And, to. And, to. be saying that because he'd say, yeah it's a bit weird, isn't it? You know the

truth, you idiot. How would I know which one I was? So anyway. But bear in mind, you could pass him off as yourself? What would you do? Would you playass? No because it would only end up getting me into trouble on it because people won't believe that is another one like me otherwise everyone would be saying that when they get caught robbing they go oh it wasn't me it was me a doppelganger. It can only I wouldn't want it to be honest it's a again it's a bit of a headache can it because he could be going off going mental causing all sorts of trouble and you go you pack it in and he's going what what you're on about but then that wouldn't happen would it because he's being me so he'd be sat wherever I am anyway because he'd want to do what I want to do so pointless but I still won't

want it. It's unbelievable. That was unbelievable. That was like experiencing what it would be like there was too yeah we could have left in that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that the the time th time th time th time th time the time th time th time the time th time the time th time thi the time thi thi their their to be to be to be to be to be to be th. to be their their their their their their their their their their w. their w. their w. their w. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi thi thi. thi. thi. thi thi to be to be to be to be to be to be te. te. teea. tea' to to to thea' to thea' they're they're they're the like there was too cold. Yeah we could have left in that time and come back and he'd be arguing still. That is officially the most stupid thing. If the Guinness World Records did it, as anyone anywhere in the world said anything more stupid than how would I know which one was me? But does this mean does this mean does this mean though that I could just sit at home and not do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do to do th do th do th do th do th do th do th this mean, does this mean though that I could just sit at home and not do anything and just send me out on... Yes. And when he, when he's seen something happened, I'm seeing it.

No, no, no, no. You're separate people. But then he's not a doppelganganganer, is he? Well, you're identical twins and he's got exactly the same input as you. I mean, it, no, no, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. Does, th. Does, th. Does, th. Does, th. Does, th. Does, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Does, th. Does, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. Does, thi. Does thi. Does thi. Does thi. Does thi. Does thi. Does, does, does thi. Does, does, does thi.'re identical twins then, you found out identical twins and he's got exactly the same input as you. I mean it's not a real question is it? It's just a little again. But I said to you the other week about twins and that, how, it's a, I wouldn't like to have a twin. It's all right when you're a kid but unless you're a Siamese together. You don't go, don't they look like each other? They have different aircuts. They don't carry that thing on, do they, that normal twins do? Like normal twins, the man say have the same hair cut, wear the same shirt. Siamese twins, never look the same. They've just got their ass stuck together. It's unbelievable. Okay, we're trying to get more cerebral now in this podcast. It's a lot of science here, real science. Maybe we should call it a spodcast. Okay, Carl. This is a logical conundrum. To a certain extent, there's a little bit of lateral thinking because

but there is only one right answer. Now the pressure here isn't to get this right because I don't know anyone who's ever got this right. The pressure is, one, asking sensible questions, and when I've told to the answer to then understand it. Because I've still, when I've explained this to people, I've laid out from them, they still can't quite get the concept. Um, okay, so there's two doors, Carl. Yeah. One leads to heaven, one leads to hell. Okay, they're identical.

You can't tell them apart. Okay? Obviously you want to go to heaven I see. Right, there's two guards, identical guards guarding each door, okay? The one guarding hell always tells a lie. The one guarding heaven always tells the truth. You have to ask one question to find out which is which and then go through the door you want. What question do you ask? I've only got one? Yeah.

And what, one to both? No, one to either of them. You don't know which one's which, though. So what question do you ask? Why can't I ask, like both of them, one? Why can't I ask, like both of them, one? Because it's... the rules are rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the rules, the the the the the the the the the to. to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to...one. to...one. to...one. to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... too. to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to... to't actually two doors labeled heaven and hell Carl that's this a leap of imagination here. And I've I've definitely got a once I've got to ask them a question I can't just sort of have a feel of the door. So if he's any heat or anything.

They're identical you stand a few yards away you cannot tell from the outside of these doors which they're identical You stand a few yards away. You cannot tell from the outside of these doors which is which they're identical. The guards are identical. But the one guarding hell always tells a lie and the one guarding heaven always tells the truth. What question do you ask? I can't look through the keel or anything. There's no keel. Let's imagine there's a small rope that prevents you from getting anywhere near rather like actually the nightclub. Yeah. What do you ask?

What question do you ask? Come on, you only got one. Quick, this is it. So, they stood there. They both look the same. They're both smiling. Yeah. But one of them's not really smiling really,

is trying to make me make a mistake, in he. Well it's just going to lie when you're asking a question if you're asking him. So what's the point in asking a question? Do I know one of them is going to lie? Yeah, well you want, the one guarding hell always tells the truth. These things you know. But would they be neighbors be the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to be their their their their their their their their their their their. their their. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their things, things, tie. tie. tie. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. tea. te. te. te. te.. But would they be neighbors like this? Would they be that close? Why... I mean we're not sure if these two guys get off. I'll give you a clue. I'll give you a clue. They know who they are and they know that the one guarding hell always tells a lie and the one guard in heaven always tels the truth. So I know that. No, they know it as well. It doesn't really really really really really really that, that, that, that, th th th th really really, that, that, th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th a lie and the one guard in heaven always tells the truth. So I know that? No, they know it as well. Doesn't really come down to this Carl. This isn't what's going to happen when you die.

But when is this useful then? Because it's a logical, well, I'll tell you the answer. No, no, no, I wantthere's no shame in not getting it. It's a really hard one to get. I mean the shame is the ridiculous questions you asked. And now I'm going to tell her the answer. Right, right, so you go up and you go, um... Right, well let's imagine that, let's imagine Ricky and I are those two guys, okay? Right. Well, I, let's imagine, look, look, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous is is, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the ridiculous, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. thria, tha, the tha', the the the the the tha' the tha' the tha' tha' tha' tha' tha' tha,, uh, well, me and, me and Steve will decide which doors we're guarding, okay? Right.

I'm... Look away, God. Okay, then. So we've decided, okay? One of us is guarding heaven. Which question you're going to ask and who you're going to ask it to? Right. I'll just say to you, Steve, I'll go, uh, uh, got some, I, the the the the the the the the the the the the to, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm, th. I'm, I'm, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. I, I, th. I'm, I, th. I'm, I'm, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. Right, th. Right, th-I'm, th-I. Right, th. Right, I'll just say to you Steve I'll go, got some post for God here. I'll go, uh, got some post for God here. That's not a question. That's not a question.

Maybe the question's coming. You got some post for God here, yeah? You got some post for God here, yeah? Uh, and it needs to be signed. It's not a question. Still not a question. No, let him finish. Is Godding because I need him to sign for this post. Is he in? Well, I can answer that as well if you want. Go on?

Yeah, he's behind my door. Do you want to answer it? Well, yes. Do you want to get him? Well, do you only got one question the question the question the question to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to to the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the tho? tho? tho? tho? tho? tho? tho? tho? tho? tho? thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo? the thoooooooooooooo? thoo? th Steve is God in? What's the answer? Yes. Ask me? Yes. Look, lads, I'm just trying to do a job here. What am I going to do with this?

Well, give it to me and I'll give it the God because he's behind my door. Steve? Yeah, give it to me and I'll take it into God because he's behind my thoom. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. tho. th. th. tho. to. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to me. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to th. th. th the the the th the th th th th th the thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. to tho. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to That doesn't help. Let me tell you the answer. You ask either one of us, you say, if I was to ask the other one, what door he was guarding, what would he say? Then whatever they say is the door they're guarding. Because if you happen to ask the one guarding, right? I'm guarding hell, by the way. I'm the devil, Steve's God, okay? So you asked me what Steve would say if you asked him what door he was guarding, and I'm going to lie. I know he'd say heaven because he'd tell the truth, but I'm lying, so I'd say,

he'd say hell. So you know I'm guarding hell. You asked Steve what door I was guarding, he'd tell the truth, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, the the the the the the the the the the the, the the the, the the, the the the the the the the to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, the the the to say, to say, to say, to say, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, to say, to say, to say, to say, to say, told told told toe, toe, toe, the they. they. they's theyy's they's theyanananananananananananananan, theyananananan, theyanan, they's they's they. they. the th what door I was guarding, he'd tell the truth, right? So he'd say, he'd say heaven because he'd know I'd lie. So he's guarding heaven. So the question is, if I was to ask the other one what door he was guarding, what would he say? And whatever the person answers is the door they're guarding. Steve, what door are you looking after? Well, heaven. Yeah. Why should I believe you? Because you don't know, no that doesn't work. Because you ask me the same and I'd say heaven as well. Right, so who do I believe? This is where you use your gut feeling though, isn't it? This is what...

Well as opposed to the pure logic that Ricky's just used. I just think because there's a lot of questions questions the questions the questions the questions the questions the questions the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. th. th. their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. thu. thu. thu. thu. the. the. the. theateateateateateat. thooooooooooooooom. their their their their their th. the. the. the. the pure logic that Ricky's just used. I just think because there's a lot of questions in life where you don't know the answer and you go, do you know what, I don't like the look of him. So... They're identical? Yeah, but there's still identical twins. You always get a little snidey one. Ha ha! Ha! Oh, chimpanzee, that's a jing there there, there, what there, there, what there, there, what the, that is ruining down!

What? That's the jingle there for Carl's Diary. Still a very popular feature on Show 1 slash 13. Here we are. Got a book sent to me called Freaks. It's a bit heavy, but it's got some interesting pictures in it. Read a bit about the two-headed Nightingale. She slash they was on tour in London years and years ago. It cost two shillings to have a front row seat.

She slash they had two heads slash two arms and four legs. They are called Siamese twins because the first twins that were born stuck together were Siamese. On one of the pictures they are playing chess against the doctor, that hardly seems fair. Two heads better than one. So it's two heads, two arms and four legs. That's just two women in one dress. Yeah, that's two women with an arm missing. Spoke to Ricky and his friend Glenn about art. I just don't get it. Ricky had some odd pictures on his walls. I don't have any pictures in my flat because of the mirrored

wall but I can't sound bothered. The mirrored wall we should just explain what that is. When you moved into your flat there was an enormous mirror on one wall. Was that right? We just got this flat and you know it's not a big flat so I think the people who had it before us he was a gay fella right which was a bit like what you've been doing with that mirror and that but what? What? What? What has he been doing with the mirror? What is he been doing with the mirror? What is he doing? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? they're the stuff what what what what chemistry said out they be doing experiments what no just doing what seeing I am what I am and just checking out there each other I'm not having to go to anyone but just saying like they're doing what they're doing which is annoying well you know I'm not I'm not this is what

this is what why are you worried about what a little gay fellow tho you're not wo-I'm front of a mirror? I wasn't worried about it. Why are you thinking about what he's doing? Why are you fantasizing what a little gay fellow was doing in front of your mirror in your... I'm not bothered. I'm just telling you what why it was a bit the mirror in there, right? But forget the history. But you've got a mirror in there now, no, because what I was, because I their their their their their their th is their th is their their th is their their th. their th. their th their th th their th their th th th th th their you're th. Why are you're their their th. Why are th. Why are thirty their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. Why are that. Why are the the the theat. theat. theat. theat. theat. theat. theat. theat. theat. theat. it could crack and because it's the size of the whole wall it took up a whole wall so like when he's moving about everywhere he's got a good view of it and that but he's got this full wall of mirror and I thought I can't take that down and I thought what can I do so I've just put wallpaper on it brilliant and it looks all you wouldn't know have you but it means that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that's that's that's that's took that's took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took took it took me me that's that that that that that that that that took me me took me took it took it took me took it took it took me, you wouldn't know, have you? But it means that I can't put any pictures up. That's all that's all I'm saying. Because if I put a nail in it. And what don't you understand about art? What about art don't you understand? The concept, specifics? Just the way some people like, you know,

the ones you've got, it's just like a block of color on a bit of canvas. It's like, what's, like, you know, the ones you've got, it's just like a block of colour on a bit of canvas. It's like, what's that? Abstract, it's just abstract. It's, you know, it's a vibrancy of color. It's an attack on the senses. Or it could be, or it could be, or it could be, you might be, you know, you might not see first time round no windows and you want a better color, but you've got a window to look out of and you've got like just a big block of...

But I'll explain this to you, the photograph where people, before, you know, art was photography, it was realistic and they had to make it look like the subject, but then when cameras came in, that's when people started doing surreal stuff and I understand that. Otherwise there was no point to it they had to find a new way to represent things that photography couldn't do as such. No I don't know that's that's like when we were in London having a shop around at Christmas and there was that picture of fruit for 700 quid. We'll just get but you can get some real fruit for three quid. I understand that but there's nothing wrong with like having

a... But we'll get, don't invent cameras then, one or the other. Do you know what I mean? That's what annoys me. Someone invent something and then they go we've got to invent something else. Like the abstract thing. Why is someone gone, oh I can't have paintings anymore? Because... What is it a Darley? Going, mounting clocks and stuff? I th, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, they. I's they. Don't, don't, they. Don't they. Don't th. Don't tho, don't they. Don't they. Don't they. Don't the first one was all right when he did the first clock but then all the time he's just like oh I'll draw something and it's got a melting clock on it. I'll do a sheep put one of them on it. Have you seen his lobster telephone? That knows me. Why? Because it's just, it's not, it's not, I mean what I think what annoyed me more with that is when he heard about how it happened, he had

some artist mate round, right? And I don't know what happened. They were eating. That's a hell of an anecdote. No, no, but they were eating. They were eating some food and what have you. Lobsters? Yeah.

And, uh, yeah, they were eating lobster. That's Andy. The other artist, whatever it was, thi. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, I, I, I, I, I, I th. And, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I. And, I. And, I, I, I, I. And, I, I, I, I, I, I'm. And, uh, th. And, uh, th. And, uh, th. And, uh, th. And, uh, th. And, uh, th. And, uh, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, whoever it was sort of started saying, oh you and your clocks and all that. Brilliant. This didn't happen. He started arguing and he chucked some of the lobster. Bollocks. He found off his mate's head, went on the phone and they both looked at each other like,

like, you're thinking what I'm thinking? And they brought out that phone as a bit of art. Things like that annoy me because it was then just messing about. That didn't happen. Just telling you what I know. I saw his work, each other own if that's what he's doing. I'm just saying I'm not putting my stamp of approval on it. Hemp of it. Well, you know, as you mentioned in your diary, your favorite artist is Larry because you can look at them for ages and see someone different every time you look at it. All I'm saying is, art should be there to tell a story, not just have a splash of colour.

We know colours out there, there's loads of colour. We don't need to be reminded of it. But colour is part of our evolution, and so it does something to us. Just like sounds, just like sounds. Yeah but I'm saying do a picture, smell it in. Still use the colours but draw something with it rather than just going, a yellow, a bit of red, when you've got just red and black, what what's that meant to do? Well it does something? Well I like it, I enjoy it so it does something. Yeah, you have it then. I'm just saying I prefer it if it, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, just, th, just, just, just, th, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, th, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, th, th, just, just, th, th, th, just, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. I, thi, thi, I thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi, it, I enjoy it so it does something. Yeah, you have it then. I'm just saying I prefer it if it was something.

And so you, let me just get straight, you had a mirror on one more so you padded that wall. It's just sort of, it's just sort of wallpaper on it. Right. Amazing. And there's no other art in there. It's just a their that, Suzanne's not allowed to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch to watch the their. their. their. their. their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's just, I'm just, the the the the the the their. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, I'm the uh, it's a, Suzanne's not allowed to watch tele unless it's a favourite thing, otherwise she's got to talk to me about stuff. There's no art, there's no point, just wallpaper. I'm just saying we've got three, three windows we can look out of. Right? Right? Stop looking at the walls, look out of the window. Some new words have been introduced into the dictionary. Too many words.

We should have some system where we can get rid of words if they aren't used a certain number of times. Well, that we do. They do die out, don't they, eventually? Like what? You don't have to use them. No, but they don't, do they, they keep adding them. And I just worry about, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi eventually? Like what? You don't have to use them. No, but they don't, do they? They keep adding them. And I just worry about, you know, this is the problem with, like, your head can only hold so much, can't it? Yeah.

It's all very well when Adam and Eve was knocking about, there's no history, they don't have to remember anything. All I'm saying is fine bring out a new word but once you bring out a new one, bin another one. The dictionary is getting bigger and bigger no one's keeping an eye on it. Well I think they are. They're not. They just keep adding. It doesn't grow. They don't just dig it up one day. So what have you know? You're happy for them to stick in iPod let's say. But we pride ourselves on having more words in English language I think we've got twice as many as the second I think maybe Russian I'm not sure about that someone I'm sure someone emails but but we don't talk the most so there's a lot of clutter there which mean we don't talk the most well you'd have to you'd say that

nothing as expressive as the English language. Yeah, I know, because we've got a word for everything. I'm just saying that I don't use all these words that are coming out and I just think, like I say, keep an eye on it, some sort of, I don't know how it can be controlled. But Shakespeare invented words. I think Shakespeare invented about 12 hundred words. Yeah, and we probably still using a lot of it, so why don't we keep sticking more in the pop? Right. Stop using a load of words. People are panicking in New York about the snow they're getting.

It's two foot deep. They are saying it's to do with global warming. I don't get it. Two days ago, they were saying the world's getting warmer, and the ice, and the ice, the the the ice, the the the the their, the their, the their, the the their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the the the the their, their, their, their, the their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their, their, their, the their, the their, their, their, the the their, the th.. their, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thooooooooooooooooooooooooan, to. to. to. to. People, thooooo. People, th world, does it matter where it goes? Read on the internet that heads are bigger now than they were years ago. Brains are getting bigger apparently. This is because we're being told too much information. We are told too much stuff about things that we wouldn't have known about years ago. You've just made that leap, haven't you? Maybe heads and brains are getting larger, but the fact that it's because there's too much information cramming in them.

Well it is, as time goes on, isn't it? It's that thing of, we've been taught more and more every day. As the time goes on, something's happening every day. You've got to remember that. No, you haven't? You have. It's the same, like I said, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the, like, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. We, th. We, th. We, th. We. We, tha. We're, tha. We're, the. We're. We're. We're. We're. We're. to. We're, the. We're. We're. tha. We're, tha. We're tha. thing. They didn't have that much to remember. They come on the world to go, what happened yesterday? Oh, not much. Well, in the all-new Ricky Jebani show, there is no monkey news as such. That's going to come back, Carl. You've got to bring that back. But we show, there is no monkey news as such.

That's going to come back, Carl. You've got to bring that back. But we're going to do some of that we used to do on our local radio show called Rockbusters. Sounds a bit like Blockbusters. A television program. We used to be on television where they gave sort of cryptic clues, yours aren't cryptic clues, yours are ridiculous. So explain rockbusters? Um, give out an initial of an artist or a band, yeah, knocking about like now or ages ago and I give a cryptic clue. Not a cryptic clue. Very rarely cryptic. Sometimes it works, sometimes it's nonsense, but... Well as we once said I think it is more accurately described a craptic clue. Yeah. Well, what am I thinking?

Well, are you going to give an example or we just do them? The classic example, of course, for me is a woman, she's an artist, the initials are W.H. She was wandering around in Texas. She fell over, part of her leg, fell in a puddle, wet knee, Houston. That is the level. That th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. the. the. tha. tha. tha. tha. Well, tha. Well, tha. Well, tha. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. Well. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. to. the. to. to. to. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. to. the to knee, Houston. That is the level. That's what you're working with people. So it's going to give three of these. The first email that gets them all right, the first email we get, and it's timed, isn't it, email so we can know that gets all these clues exactly right, can win, what,

a sign photo of Carl? Now that is exclusive. There are not very many, I don't think they even exist, do they? There are no sign photos of Carl. So this will be a collector's item. Right. So, uh, yeah, there's three different ones. When you send it in on email, podcast at Ricketts.com, just put in the subject thing like rock busters, so I know what I'm looking for. Right then. So three, three different clues for you to work on. to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to work. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that. that. that. th. th. th. th. T, th. th. th. th. T, th. T, th. T, th. T, th. T, th. T, th. So, th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. That. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. clues for you to work on. First one... Oh, shouldn't I do a jingle for this? Please. Okay. Oh, that sounds cryptic! I'm not written!

Rockbusters. Right. First one, the initial, right? The initial B, band or artist, beginning with the letter B. The cryptic clue. Well, I don't want a house. That's that far away from the the the the th. th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho that's that's thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. So, th letter B. The cryptic clue. Well, I don't want a house. That's that far away from the water. I want to be right on top of it. Right? That's the cryptic clue. Well, I don't want a house that far away from the water. And I want to be right

on top of it. B. Artist or band? Who is it? Right? Work on that one. Second one, it's B again. B, letter letter B for the band of the artist. All right. Cryptic clue, right? That part of my leg is English. That's it, is it? Yeah, right. That part of my leg is English. Initial B. What is it? What is it? Part my leg is English. And then the last one, KW, it's the band, and the cryptic clue, the fitness teacher has got a speech impediment. What's going on there? All right, KW, the fitness teacher has got a speech impediment. Work on them, right? Send in the answers, podcast at Rikajvace.com and just win some sign picture on that.

A sign picture of Carl Pilkington. Also when you're sending in your answers or indeed if you don't have the answers but you just want to get in touch. Podcast at Ricky Javace. If you've got anything that you think might be of interest to Carl, we're looking for, as Ricky was giving him earlier, scientific facts, stories you've read about, you know, if anything which you think might just peak his interest, send them in podcast at Ricky Javais. to come. Well, that's it.

Well, that's it. That's the end of the first episode of the all-new Ricky Gervais show. And it's very similar to the old one. Yeah, yeah, it's quite a winning formula. Why, you know, exactly. And if you're missing the old ones, the complete archive of all our podcasts are available from next week. Go to AudibleDoha's. Go to Audube's podcasts's podcasts or the new shows.

It's all there. That'll explain it. So that's goodbye for me. Goodby from Steve Merchant. Goodbye. And Carl Pilkington. All right?