The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S2E2 (March 7, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series two of the podcast began on 28 February 2006. It consisted of 6 episodes with the final one released on 4 April 2006. The series saw the return of Karl's Diary and Rockbusters. A new (though short-lived; it was only presented in the first episode) feature was also introduced in order to replace Pilkington's "Monkey News", called "Real Monkey News", where Gervais attempts to present facts about chimpanzees which are factual and scientific.With the start of series two, the formerly free Ricky Gervais Show shifted to a pay model – and as a result the show is now classified as an audiobook. It is available through Audible and the iTunes Store with individual episodes. The reason for this addition, according to Ricky on the podcast, is because The Guardian agreed to pay for the bandwidth for 12 episodes, and any more extra episodes would have to be paid for out of their personal finances.

Welcome to number two in this second series of the Ricky Jove's show, with me Ricky Javais. Hello, Stephen Merchant and Carl Filkington. Well, I've been away. I had a little bit of an express tour of America, Stephen Merchant, and Carl Filkington. Well, I've been away. I had a little bit of an express tour of America, LA and New York. And they're all talking about one thing out there. Carl Pilkington. Really? Yeah. I hooked up with a Simpsons lot.

They all listened to it on their iPods. I went down to the American office to keep an eye on, you know, check it. Well as we get money for old rope for doing next to nothing. I thought I'd show him a face. They're big fans, Carl. I met up with Jason Bateman, you know, arrested development and he knows how stupid you are. David Letterman knows what I need it you are, mentioned on the Letterman show. I mean, unbelievable. David Bowie listens and they're all listening to little Carl Pilton. I think when I think the people like that,

like pretty much geniuses in their field. But when I think Bowie listened to it, I still think of him as 26. Well, it's dressed as Ziggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. With a pair of those big 70s headphones. Yeah. And, Mom, can you turn the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV the TV tie th TV th TV th TV th TV th TV th TV th TV th TV in the Pilkington. I love his cooky outlook, aren't I? And Christopher

Guest, now Christopher Guest, empathises with you a little bit because obviously everyone else sort of knows how stupid you are and not understanding concepts like, you know, the infinite amount of monkeys, but he empathises with that because he thinks that he sometimes doesn't understand concepts that seem obvious to other people. However, I think he's being polite, I don't think you've got a lot in common with him because he did all that other genius stuff, you know. What you did was do the washing up with your pants pulled down slightly, you know? It didn't have the same effect as to say...

It's not being as influential a spinal tap. Oh, waiting for government! No, unless people, maybe that's sweeping the nation now. Maybe if someone sees someone nude in a room opposite their house, they immediately get their cock out. They go, genius. That's genius. Well, I did an appearance at the Oxonian Society in New York. It's a Princeton College run event and they have academics, they have like academics, political figures, they have heads of industry, they had world leaders, they've had Prince Assan of Jordan and there was a Q&I afterwards and one of the questions was, is monkey news coming back?

In that sort of forum, I mean it's, it's... I believe they also asked that of Bill Clinton. I did, yeah, now, Carl, is monkey news coming back? I mean maybe it depends what goes on out there. It's going to be quiet, on it. on the monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I?? Well, I? Oh, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, the the the the the the their, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is monkey. Yeah, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I. It's, I's, I's, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm not, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th out there. It's going to be quiet, aren't it? I don't know if they're aware or whatever that's being covered, but it's just like, you know, there's no point you can't make news, can you? All these news channels, that's the problem with it. They've committed to saying we're a news channel, you've got to find news, well don't do it like that. Sure. I'd say put something else on if now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now. the news they they they they th no no no no no th. th. th. th no that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. It's thi. It's the the that. It's their the thoooooes thoooooooes that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's news in the world on the planet earth with six billion people? Is there every day when they go, no, nothing. But I'm just saying the news is, what is it about half an hour long? That's lens.

There's news channels that are 24 hours. But you're thinking of one specific news program that's on in your house. Yeah, but I'm just saying it's half an hour, how much of that? no, no,! Look again, you don't, I've told you that not all news programs are half an hour by definition but you go anyway it's half an hour. Again you didn't listen to me. Why do you think all news programs are half an hour? They're not. I'm just saying how much of that do we actually need to know about? But we don't need to know about any news, but I mean outside sort of dangerous situation, it's interesting, it's entertainment, people want to be aware, people want to be hooked up. I mean I don't, you know, watch the news much or read papers, but it's funny when I'm away I do. I

suppose it's because you want to feel connected with what's yours. It's that feeling of being part of society, thi thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thathea that's that's thathea that's thathea' that. that's that. that. that. that's, that's, that's, to be to be to be to be to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, to be, that, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. that. thatea'a'a'a'er's, thatea'a'er's, thatea'a'er's, thatea'a'a'a'er's, thatea'a', isn't it? No, but there's places, say like there's places where they don't have tell, right, and they're not watching the news, they're still getting on with life. Yes, they are. And they're bogged down with their own problems, which is the way it should be. Say like at the moment I've on to get away from all that and you put the news on they go, there's a bad weather in what's it. You go, oh, don't tell me that as well. I like it when you hear about inventions that are coming out or, you know, stuff they're doing in science.

But you told me the other day that you thought everything that needs to be invented, something they said they've in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in in they said they said they said in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in 19 in said in 1900. But, uh, so what do you think? Yeah, I mean, they are sort of playing around now. Like if they've said they've made, uh, like a heart now, that can be bunged into a body if yours isn't working and keep you going. But why is a, why is a heart that you can bung into someone to save their life? Why is that a bad thing? Just because it's another thing, in it, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. That's thi. That's thi. That's the their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. their, their, their, their, their, their life. Why is that a bad thing? Just because it's another thing in it that's, we meant to die. From the year dot, things live, you have your bit, you knock about, and then you die. If you're going to live forever, how do you plan stuff? All right? That's the way I look at it. Sure. How big would your diary be? Well that would become intimidating wouldn't you? If you have to fill that in for the rest of eternity.

And you get bored. You get bored with living forever. You know. But I agree with you. You get bored of people. You'd have to keep making new mates, because you've discussed everything by the time you're about 110. 100. So it's kind of like... the same concepts that you worked out and decided that were true at about 10 I think. I look at life like a like a big book like a big book. Right okay yeah and you know sometimes you get halfway through it and you go even though I've you know I've been enjoying it I've had enough and give us another book. No no no you're metaphor analogy whatever you're trying to create there falls down with let's have another book. No no no no you can you can't. You their. You their. You can. You can. You can. You can. You can their. You can their. You can their. You can the the their. You can the the the the their. You can their the their. You can their. You can their. their. their their. Like. Like. Like. Like a their their their a their a their a their a their like a their. Like a their. Like a big. Like a big. Like a big. Like a big. Like a big. Like a big. Like a their. Like a their. Like a their. Like a their. Like a their. Like. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm a their. I'm a their. I'm a their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their book. You can either opt out of life or stick with it to the end. You can't go,

be someone else now. You can't do that. I know you think you can and I think in your world you can you know you possibly be injected into an old woman's head when you've had enough and you come out a little baby. What I mean is at thethe moment, you know, my life, I'm going to live to 7475, right? So yeah, I'm probably on, I'm probably on, a book that's got about 200, 200, this is painful, this is really painful. Sorry, carry on. I'm on, I save my book's got 300 pages, in it. A a few pictures Matt. It's a picture book, that's a great thing about Carl's like, it's a book.

It's a pop-up book. And it just, every page he pops in and he goes, alright, alright. I'm probably on like page about 170. Yeah. It's been a dead 74. He's reading a book with a few pictures in with 300 pages and he's on 170. Yeah. It's been a diet 74. He's reading a book with a few pictures in with 300 pages and he's on 170. Go on then. So, right, if the book was too thick, right, and there was loads more pages.

Let me tell you, this book is way too thick. If the book was more thick, yeah. The book could not be thicker. If there was loads more pages left, I'd go, I can't be bothered reading on. Right. Okay, that's the name finished anology. He doesn't have known that when he saw the book. You don't got to finish this analogy. Otherwise we're going to be here all night.

He must have known how many pages there were when he got the book the book out at the beginning and you're going this is good and then it gets a bit boring as it goes on don't it? Okay well that works so you're saying that you were young... No it doesn't work because you're just accepted that that's what all books are like? No but there's a little bit of poetry in that because he's sort of he's actually saying that when he was young his whole life was a whole life was a their he he he he the whole he the whole he the whole the whole the whole the whole the whole their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their tho. tho. He was a whole their wo. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. thi is is is is thi is th th th th th th th th th th th th th was th was th was a whole is th was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole was a whole their was a whole th th th th th th th th th th the is a whole the is a whole the the the the the the the the the the thooooooo' the the the tho- tho-he was a whole the was given of this world and now he's a bit jaded and he's more cynical and he realizes that the world hasn't got as much to offer him as he thought it was. Is that what you meant? Yeah. Liar?

Lya. Well Rick, you're not the only one who's been away. Well Rick, you're not the only one who's been off working. But I long last have taken a bit of leisure time. And you've probably heard of the Rio de Janeiro Carnival, only one of the hottest, you know, events in the world calendar. Imagine me down there. Oh, God. You can imagine, did not know what I hit it. Oh God. Were you like, poor the party, animal park? He would not have been able to keep up to. What did you do? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh? Oh, the the the the the the the the th. Oh, the the the th. Oh, the the th. Oh, the th. Oh, the th. Oh, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you've their. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh, you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, you. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, the. Oh, you've the. Oh, you've probably. Oh, you've probably. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh, you've. Oh. Were you like, poor the party, animal park? He would not have been able to keep up if he was with me. God, what did you do? What did you get up to? Let me tell you right now, um, day one I almost drowned.

Day two, I got a foot infection and spent a day in the hospital and the rest of time I had diarrhea. So that's, that was a hell, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. That, th. That, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to...... to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to a time. Carnival? Yeah, yeah. I was able to watch some of the Carnival on TV. And it looked brilliant. It looked athe's in. I didn't actually, it was difficult to make out because the TV wasn't actually in my room. Because in an effort to save money, I wasn't staying in a hotel. I was staying with a bunch of other people in some kind of like someone's flat that they let out and so I had to watch a TV, like from my window watching a neighbour's TV and of course when they change the channel

you know often during the juicy bits like I couldn't see anything and um so but they look really good. I'm bunged up in the moment just so I can get through the show but I just been on a 12 hour and it is terrifying being on a flight and it is thrifying being the thi the problem is sometimes the toilet's free and sometimes you've got a queue up and the worst bit is that that sort of half an hour just before you land when they say the toilets are out of bounds now I was because I was really panicky and so of course then on the whole flight as we're landing I'm just I'm really petrified because I'm thinking this could I packed a pair of underpants and jeans in a bag in my hold all just in case it all went and I was just in case it all went and I was really because I hate flying anyone I hate

the most terrifying moment of the journey then it really was rumbling I'm a. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. I th. I was just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just just the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I was just just just just just just just I was just I was just I was just I was just. I was just. I was just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I th. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm just. I'm and I was thinking I got to get out of here. Of course, you know, you know when you're in a hurry, everything, suddenly everything makes you angry. The little old lady in front of me who's just hobbling along off the gangplank, get out of my way! You know, just really, you know, just really were! You know, just really, with no. With your bad hips. Yeah, and you're a z just be wow and so I managed to get there just in time got into the time and it all went off man alive it was it was grim but that was that was not anything compared with the first couple of days because the first day I was I went for a walk and of course I the girl from Epinima Beach is famous and it's even if you know people

people that gather there and it is extraordinary I mean the people are remarkable there there the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th th th is th is th. th. th. th. th. thi. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. thee. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. ththat gather there and it is extraordinary I mean the people are remarkable. There's so many beautiful women in Rio it made me angry. I was angry that these women were so attractive and that you know none of them were even looking at me. So but anyway I'm on the beach because I was shopping I needed a wee and we right and we went for a quick and prompt you swim and I thought all we in the sea. Just think of him on his seat right with diarrhea. Well I'm wearing great big long shorts because I'm not going to try and compete with these boys because they are. And you are, could I say this, the whitest man I've ever met in my life? I mean with his shirt off you can see his heart like a newborn fish. Well this was the thing. As I went into the sea to have a wee. Yeah, well I was a the sea. Well, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Well, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm. th. I'm. I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm not. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, t. We. We. We. We're not, try. We're not, try. We're not, try. We're not, try. We're not, try. try. try. try. try. try. t. And they went into the sea to have a wee? Yeah. Well I was desperate for a toilet and I was shopping and I thought I'm never going to make it back to the hotel. So I'll go in the sea and have a little swim and swim. Just that seems

straining. Just like a cat. Just like a cat. A cat. A discussion about this because I'm very much of the opinion that you should tak take tak take tak tak th th th th th th th th th th the the the the thi thi thi thi thi thi to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make it back back back to make it back to make it back to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to make their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to make it back back. I their their their their their to me. I their their their to me to to to me to to to me to to to to trunks and let's see the sea just wash it away. What a hell of a carnival! And I think that's, I'm against that, I've always been against that in swimming pools, everything you know, so I, so I, so I, I'm against pissing in swimming pools, full stop. It doesn't matter whether you do getting, the sea trying to urinate and I so I kneel because I'm obviously very tall so it's tricky to get deep enough for the water to mask what you're up to. So I tried to kneel down in the water and I got John Thomas out but then the water swept out again and just left me on the beach. But luckily my back was to the back waltz. I'm. to me to me to me the the the to me. the th. th. th. th. I was. th. th. th. th. I was. the th. the th. I was. th. th. the th. to to to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. to me. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to do it everyone, snow and saw. So, um, so I, so, I don't think of a funny sight and Steve Merchant on his knees with his little John Thomas out. I don't know how I think it is, I've never seen it, but I mean, I imagine this in proportion to the rest of you is it. I know, I know, um, this all I'll of, I was trying to get it out, but what I didn't realize is that the waves just off the beach are really just uncontrollable, you never

know what's going to happen. So one minute they're calm and the next minute they're crazy like a tsunami. So um, so suddenly I see this giant wave coming t and lifts me up and flips me up in the water right and I've floundering around I can't see anything because of course I had to take my glasses off to go in the sea. Ah! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! So I floundering around and I'm genuinely getting scared because I try to get into shore the wave

just pulls me back again. So I'm waving to my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my to my to my to my to my. to to to the wave. the wave. to the wave. to to th. th. I'm waving. I'm waving. th. th. I'm waving. I'm waving. th. I'm waving. I'm waiting. I'm waiting. toe. I'm going. I'm waiting. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going. to. to. to. to. to. t. t. t. t. try. t. t. toe. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm back again. So I'm waving to my friends on the beach. But what I don't realize is that because I'm wearing my glasses, I don't realize that I've been dragged along the beach some way and I'm not actually waving to my friends. So there's like a bunch of these beautiful women on Eponima Beach watching a pasty white man waving with his cock out. and what annoyed me was my friends were laughing and that really angers me if I'd have been there I would have burst but why wouldn't you have come running would you have come running in and help me not with your knob out but what but so even though I was screaming I've thrown a rope or something or there's no way I'd have to

no I couldn't have saved you with your glasses off in your knob out. If I ever saved you, I'd be fully dressed with your glasses on. So you'd have just let me go, that would have been what you'd said to my parents. He had his knob out and his glasses off, there was no way I was gonna... I can't stink of a funny sight. Oh. Oh! Oh, chimpanzee that! He's running it down again! Yeah, this is where we read extracts from Kyle's diary.

We've had to wrestle it from him. He's never happy, but, you know, that's the way it goes when you're doing a show as popular as this. And I'm going straight now to this entry. My man phone has said that my anti-Nora, ah, classic anti-Nora, wanted me to look on the internet to find out what the weather would be like in Spain at the end of November. I don't know where she gets her money from. Two months ago she was asking me, dad, how much it would be to get her back garden astroturfed. Because she's sick and tired of the grass getting out of the grass, turfed. What toy. What th. What th. What th. What their. What to their. What their. What their. What their. What their. What their. What their. What their. What their. their. their. their. their their their their the weather. What the weather. the weather. the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What's the weather. What's the weather. What's the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the weather. What the the the the the the the the the the the the th. What th. W. Wets. Wets. Wets. Wets. I their the. I the. I toda. I tea. I toda. I today's tea. I tea. I the the the the the the the of green look, but she doesn't like the headache that comes with it, so she's just looking into getting that false grass put in there. Brilliant. I don't know how much it is.

Went around to Rickies and had some chicken curry that Ricky's girlfriend Jane had made. Ricky and Jane were going on holiday for a few days and had arranged for was okay while they were away. I'm sick of that cat. I was surprised that they hadn't paid for the little shit to go away with them on first class. Why am you getting a bit vitriolic in the... Why doesn't he like the fact that I've got a cat and I love the cat? Why, why, why... It's just everything that else that you've got to get special treatment and it's special treatment and it? what they. and it gets special and it and it gets on our lap and we stroke it. You don't just stroke, you massage it, you massage it's back, you're stressed out. You're stressed out, you're stressed out. No, I'm not saying you stressed out.

At no point did I say you stressed out. You said what the fault you're doing for is it stressed out or something? I like touching my cat. To be honest with you, I don't like Ricky's cat. Oh I can't believe it! Every time I go around there it coves straight from a goolies. Yeah, instantly. Yeah, he'd probably seen you in the sea and thought, well if he's waving it about, I'll have a bit of that.

But it's like the lizard thing you've got. It's kind of, it's just sat there, you've, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, co. co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, co-a, coa, coa, coa, coa, coa, coa, coa, coa, coa, coa, co-a, it a box, it's a big vivarium. Yeah, but what I'm saying is... And if you're going to criticize some up for just sitting there, having a round ed and doing nothing with its life, people who live in glass houses, we've done this one. Do you know what gets me though, right, Steve, when I was there, I was looking at it, and I thought is it dead? Because he's just sat there, like there, like there, like there, like there, there, there, there, there, there, their, their, their, their, their buggy thing. It's sat there not moving, right? And then on the top of the box is like a box full of crickets and stuff. That's, it's, it's food. Right? But they were more active than the thing that it was going to feed. Get rid of the lizard, keep them in there. More entertaining. Don't understand it. A girl who was having a kid, thiithem scans of the kid that was in her. That science gone mad, in it. I couldn't think of anything nice to say as it looked like a frog.

Do you know why we've got to that point? Why? Why have we got to see something that young? Why? Because people can keep an eye on the progress of the baby in the womb? Yeah, but why are they printing it out and stuff? That's something? Surely that's... that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that, that, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the progress of the baby in the womb. Yeah but why are they printing it out and stuff? Surely that's for a doctor to see. Well that's just an added bonus for people who are interested in such thing. That's not saying why do you take pictures of anything? No because normally pictures are like, you know you're in Brazil, you're in Brazil, you're in Brazil, sat in the sea. It wasn't. It's just kind of like, why have you got to see something? You might as well... Well, you just don't do it, why have you got to see something that small? So why would you take a picture of Steve in the sea? No, but what I mean is, why, at what point are we going to stop? Are we going cences for courses isn't it? Some people

like to have a record of their baby and the woman. They like to show the bit excited about it. They sit down and they show the friends the slideshow. That's the birth. Oh that's the conception. Oh look Ron's going a bit mad there isn't he? But why do I need to see this? This is what I'm saying it was an awkward situation because she was happy with it. I was like, oh God. You remember the mean, it was an odd-looking thing. I couldn't say, oh it looks like you, because that would be a diss. Ha ha ha ha! Ha! Oh, Christ!

Met Zuza and I said I would say out the tea tonight, so I called the curry house. The fellow couldn't understand me. I asked for two pop-doms. He kept saying, how many? I kept saying two. He still can understand. I said one more than one. He understood. When we picked up the food and took it home, there were five pop-that sells knobs to eat.

There's not. There is. No there's not. No there is. It says that women can't eat too many of them and if you want a seal's nod for dinner you have to book in advance. Right, it's gobbledygoup. This is the ramblings of a madman again. It's a trend, he writes. It won't last long. It'll be like hummus.

But hummus, when do that happen? What do you mean? It's still going? It's a Greek traditional food. I know, but there's one down the, there's a restaurant down the road, that's all they do. That isn't a proper, that's a proper proper proper, tha proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a proper, that's a, that's a proper, that's a, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thrue. that's a, thrue. thrue. tha. tha. tha'a'a'a. tha'a'a'a. tha. that's, tha. that's, tha. tha. that's, that's a side order, isn't it? That's like having a restaurant just flogging tomato ketchup. Hummus isn't a meal. They don't even try and kid you and get you in and so flog you just hummus. They've actually saved hummus today. Not gonna work, be shut down within a month. Called Ricky and asked what the difference is between the mind and the brain. Yeah, he did. that's a hell of a phone with. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the thue. Yeah. thue. that's a that's a that's a that's a thue. that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a th. Yeah. Yeah. that's a that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. the the the the their their their their their their. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that's a that's a that's a th. th. that's a th. that's a that's a hell of. th. that's a hell that's a hell. that's a that's a that's a hell. that's a that's. I. I. I. I. I. Yeah. I. That. I wondered at what age you are when the mind kicks in. Okay. Ricky changed the subject and said there is an island called Spider Island. There's nothing but spiders on it. I went to visit the island and said there was a thousand types of spider in one tree.

I excited by that. I didn't tell you that. No I locked it up after talking to you. Oh right, is that true? Yeah, there's loads of them. What do you think about that? What do you think on an island that's just full of spiders? It's a bit, it's a bit daft, isn't it? What do you think they should do then? Um, I don't know, because you need spiders. I don't, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I, I, I, I don't, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, th. th. th. th. th. What, th. What, what, thi, thi, what, what, what th. What th. What th. What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, th. What. What. What. What. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, thi. What do, thi. What do, th. What do thi, what do th. What do thi, what do thi, what do thi, what thi, what thi. What, what, what, what they do, but they say a whirl without spiders, like wouldn't be good. Who says that? I don't know, someone. But they sort of, they do something, there's something about if you did get rid of them all, it would have an effect.

Well of course it would. Get rid of anything it has an effect. Not everything though. Like I've said, you know, jellyfish and what have you. Well, no, the world wouldn't change. Well, it would. No, it wouldn't. Because it's part of an ecosystem, so there's something's food, aren't they? No, but it's 97% water or something.

Yeah. So, how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% make them water? And that's more useful. Give another three percent and make them water. Oh God. The rain ain't stopped. The old woman with the bent neck. Now, we're not really about the old woman with the bent neck. Before she's old neck.

It's incredible. She's, um, she's really old. And she's got a bent neck, yeah, but tell her the neck, that's th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thin, thin, thin' thi, they's their, their, their, their, their, their their their, their, their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thin, thin, the, the, the, the. And, thean, thean, thean, thean, thean, their their thean, their their their, their, the. And she's got a bent neck, yeah, but tell her something else. I don't know what's up with her, but her head sort of comes out of here. It's radio, they can't see what you're doing. It sort of comes out of a chest. So from behind it looks like she hadn't got an head. It's really weird, right? I mean, she's old and I don't know it's sad and everything. Yeah.

But she's just, she's wandering up and down the street. Always looks fed up, but you can see of her. You have to sort of bend down a little bit. But our head's just, I thought I'd told you about the today. She finds a lot of challenge. neck is struggling in the weather. The rain must be running down her back. Don't know why she went out in this weather. My back's doing my head in today. It does this every time the weather turns a bit grim. Ever since I tried to kick me height. I remember that? We've heard this before, kicked me height and landed on my arse. Was going to treat Suzanne to a trip to the pictures to see break break break break break break break break break break break break break to to the break to the break to the the the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to a trip to the pictures to see Breakback Mountain, but then remembered there is a program on about two-headed kid tonight. What two-headed kid?

It's just a two-headed kid knocking about. I just wanted to talk about. What would you mean a two-headed kid? It was something on the tell. I only saw the beginning of it, I thought, oh, it seems a bit heavy this. The program about the kid with two heads was a bit sad. They never go into the good sides of these stories. I asked Suzanne what happens if they sit in exam. She said she didn't know. So, rockbusters, you gave out three clues last week.

Have we got a winner? Yeah. OK. Now, this was the first first first first first first first first first first first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the first the the the the the the good the good the good the good the good the good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the good to the good the good the good the good the good the good the good the good the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good. the good the good the good the good the good the good good the good the good the good good th. th. the. the good good th. the. the good the good th. the good. the good. three clues last week. Have we got a winner? Uh, yeah. Okay. Now, this was the first person to email in, but you pointed something out, didn't you? We're going to do it this week, the first person, but we think maybe it shouldn't be the first person, because some people are up in the world when this comes up and some people aren't up in the world. So we're just going to pick one the thape've got the whole week, but we're going to pick one random. But this is the first one we got with all the right answers to be promised. Well, that's the first one with the right answers.

Yeah, so well, give us the clues and the answers. All right, so last week's clues, it was three of them. I give you an initial of a artist or a band, a band, a band, a band, a band, a band, or a band, or a band, or a band, or a band, or a band, a band, a band, a band, or a band, or a band, a band, or a band, a band, a band, or a band, a band, or a band, and a band, and a band, and a their, and a their, and a their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the win, a signed picture and that. First one was, well, I don't want a house that far away from the water. I want to be right on top of it. Go on. Right, so that was B. Yeah. That was, you know, that was B.Onsey. Yeah.

That part of my leg is English. like yeah like a cryptic thing they got that second one I stand I see Beyonce that part of my leg is English the initial was B that was Brittany right Brittany yeah so it's like British Brittany so you only take you're taking the one half of her name are you know well she's known as that now I think she's known more she is but fine. More as Brittany than Britney Spears. They don't really call that.

Also British isn't the same as English. Yeah, I know, I realised that, but it was too late. Brilliant. That's what you have against. Just like that only was a millionaire. The last one was the initials were KW. And the clue was the fitness teachers the fitness the fitness the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher was the fitness teacher the the their the their their their their the clue was the fitness teacher has got a speech impediment, right? So you've got to sort of think about that, you've got to think about a fitness teacher, he's working out and that, but he's got a speech impediment.

So when it comes to like... Well no, you didn't say all that. You didn't say all that. You've got a speech impediment, and he's been saying, that's, that, that, that, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've got, you've got, you've got, you've got, you've, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you've, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th... to, th. th. th. th. th. to, th. to, th. th. th. th. to, got, got, got, got, sort, got, to, sort, to, to think, th.? Because he's got a speech impediment and he's been, he's been working him out, they've built up a sweat and he's like, right, you want. Well, don't you didn't say all that, so it doesn't matter. But even if that is the case, what is he's saying that? He's saying, no, like, can we're, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, can, the and he's adding words. Okay, but apart from that, it works perfectly. That is bollocks, you're an idiot.

So that was the first three. Who won? It was Gwimlin, How Jones. Right, let me have a look at that name. There's no such name as Gwimlin. What is Gwimlin? Is it something from Lord on the way to him. Lucky you, I don't know why he wants that, but well done, he got the clue.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not to get the clues, but there it is. Well, there you go. So are we going to do some clues for next week? Yeah, right. Again, same sort of system. three of them email in and we'll pick one at random. First one, the initials, RP, right? Right, right? And the cryptic clue. Not cryptic, well. Steal that woman's flower.

Right? If you're going to, like, nick a... Well, no, it's different now. If it's a cryptic clue, what is the clue and stick to it? Steal that woman's flower? thrown. the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. the initial, the initial, the initial, the initial. the initial. the initial. the initial. the initial, the initial, the initial, the initial. the initial, the initial, the initial, ri. R. R. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Right, right, right. Right, right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, right. Right, th. Right. Right. Right, th. Right. Right, th. Right. Right, if, thi. Right, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the it. What is the clue? What is the clue and stick to it? Steal that woman's flower. Fine. Okay. R.P. Right. All right. Second one. B. Is that the clue or the initial? Right. And a cryptic clue, um, keep whacking the cucker with a stick. Keep whacking, you know,

kept whacking the cooker with some sort of stick. What is it? Keep or kept? What is it? Keep or kept? What is it? What is the clue? What is it? If it's the clue? Everything, the clue? Well, it doesn't, the clue. Well, it doesn't. Well, wait, wait. The issue is wacking the cucker and the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the initial is B and the clue is keep whacking the cooker with a stick right fine but it doesn't have to be a stick though it could be like an eye well okay let's do the clue again okay so the initials B what's the clue keep whacking the cooker fine the last one the M, and then the clue is Venice, it's all water, right? How would you describe it, right, when...

Oh Jesus, is this the one? Let him finish the clue! I want to go home, I haven't slept, I just come back from Rio. He might never finish the clue. It keeps going, oh, I'm not, I'm a stupid, right? Oh, no, no, no, I was... I mean, he might never finish. Not if you're going to interrupt him.

What's the initial? M? What's the clue? Venice? It's all water. There's hardly any land. sort of worked. M is the artist that are a band, emailing podcast at Ricky Javais.com and we'll pick one at random. We win some stuff. Well, that's the end of episode two in this second series of the Rickinjave show. So it's goodbye for me, Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant.

And sorry, I just wanted to explain why that, that's a greeting in Brazil. Is it? You see someone? Hey! Oh, okay. Yeah, I wasn't. Why is it? You see what's going on? And Carl Bukington.

All right. Audible hopes you've enjoyed this programme.