The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S2E3 (March 14, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series two of the podcast began on 28 February 2006. It consisted of 6 episodes with the final one released on 4 April 2006. The series saw the return of Karl's Diary and Rockbusters. A new (though short-lived; it was only presented in the first episode) feature was also introduced in order to replace Pilkington's "Monkey News", called "Real Monkey News", where Gervais attempts to present facts about chimpanzees which are factual and scientific.With the start of series two, the formerly free Ricky Gervais Show shifted to a pay model – and as a result the show is now classified as an audiobook. It is available through Audible and the iTunes Store with individual episodes. The reason for this addition, according to Ricky on the podcast, is because The Guardian agreed to pay for the bandwidth for 12 episodes, and any more extra episodes would have to be paid for out of their personal finances.

Hello, welcome to the third in this new series of the Ricky Jovey show with me Ricky Javais, Stephen Murcho and Carl Pilkington. We've had loads of emails, thank you for those. Sorry we can't reply to them all personally but keep them coming, some interesting ones. There's the one in particular here, and there's one in particular here from a guy who says, I see there is less swearing now you're charging for the podcast. Dumbing down already, question mark. Well, well, interesting. I don't know how that's dumbing down. Well, no, not swearing. That's interesting. Not swearing is dumbing down. And also the fact that he's complaining that we're not swearing enough. What sort of a cunt would bother writing that email?

Don't know, mate. I don't know, but I know he's just some kind of fucking cuck sucker. What have you got, Annie? Well, now, of course, a couple weeks back, you about the heaven and hell doors and there's been a number of responses to that. I know I know I know explain your error. Well I've got it I know I realized as soon as we put it out there that I should have said assume no prior knowledge otherwise you can just say hold up a cat and say is this a dog or you can say what's my name but they don't know anything about you thrown. They's th a th. th. T th. T th and th and th th th th and th and th th th and th they they they they they they they they they they they they their they they th th thu-I tho-I tho-I tho-I their their tho-I tho-I tho-I th. I'm their their their their their their their their their is their their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is their is thin is thin is thin is thin is thr-I thr-I thr-I try. I try. I try today try try. I thoee. I thee. I theee. I the. I the. I the. I anything about you, that's the thing, they only know about their selves and I should have said that. Yeah. So are you willing to just now say that you've embarrassed yourself? I've embarrassed enough, I should have said yeah it's

got to be about, it's only about the, you can ask questions. Well, you know what, it's a bigger man than many that can admit to. Or a man through the emails and find out the kind of people that are listening, get a sense of the different listeners. And I know you, Rick, have met some of the big celebrity names that have listened to the show and it's sort of because you've actually met them. But it's, now we've got celebrities who are just emailing themselves, emailing in, just letting us know. This one is from a guy, the guy's to, and I, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and he, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, th.. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, th. And, the, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, because, because, because, because, because, because, because, sort, because, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort. And, sort, sort, sort. And, sort. It's, sort. It's, sort. It's sort. It's sort. It's sort. It's sort of, sort. It's sort of, sort of, because, it's very good. But it's nice to know that. I don't watch any of those things, but that's... But it's nice that Chief Tyrol, and for those of you, that the Watch Battle Staglactic, I'm sure that means something. But it's nice that he got in touch, but I'm just thinking, who would you, in an ideal world, who would be, the, the, the, the, the, the, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I that, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't the, I don't thin, I don't to to to to to to to to to to to to to that, I don't know, I don't know, I don't, I don't that, I don't that, I don't that, I don't for me. I like the idea that our captains of industry or scientists or people actually doing something worthwhile are listening. That's what excites me because

they hear, you know, we've had a couple of emails from people who are doing, you know, PhDs and psychologists and that, and that excites me more that these academics are listening. Or so, or I mean, who's the weird thisthink that who's got who should have more time on their hands you know Stephen Hawking imagine Stephen Hawking listen to this show you know he's putting together the you know the formulation for the universe but he's gonna listen to a little bit of monkey news from Carl Pilkington imagine Stephen Ordin' that podcast at Ricky Javay dot I mean that would just blow our minds wouldn't it? Oh, he's got time to do that.

That he's got the inclination to bother doing that. So he's always online though, he's always hooks up. Is he? I'm always got a little computer. Why not? Sure that's one of the perks. You can just bung it an email out whenever. I'm not having a go, I just meet, that's what I'm thinking, he's sat there with his little computer. Out of all the people in the world, to have a chat with, I'd probably like to have a chat with him about space and that, because I can't get my head round it.

Co. You can't get your head round frozen foods. What a chance you can have with the universe? No, but just putting stuff out there, the, you know, I mean it freaks me out when I'm lying there in bed at night and I think about how this world, on Friday I was in bed, Suzanne and I said, could the world fall? It's like something from chicken licking. Wow. That's a hell of a bit of pillow talk that. Isn't four play hell? Oh God. But I'd like to sort of have a chat with him because I reckon he could put it in a way that

I could understand it. Oh, I wish an Inuit was listening. Did I not tell you this? We've had an email from an Inuit. Really? Yeah, I thought I'd this. Have we not mentioned this before? No. It was an email from a guy who said, I think, well I don't think he lives, he lives in Canada I think or somewhere else, I apologize for, if I'm getting there wrong, but I think that there's a so remote that I can't think where they're meeting people who aren't that are also doing yeah oh and who's

going you know other societies are going I'll say what I'm fed up there's no action now I'm stuff to skin? Ah, you know, seals? Seals. Yeah, sure. That's about it, isn't it? Why are they hanging about around that? Why aren't Seals going?

Do you know what? It's windy all the time, what have you? And I'm getting a club on the head. Do you know? Because they're meant to be quite bright in terms of animals and that aren't they? So why are they knocking about them parts? I don't know. Say like if seals died out, right, would that be a problem? We've done this. We've been through this before.

Everything has a knock on effect. Even a seal? That's sort of in between a fish and a dog. I knew you're going to say dog. It's not between a fish and a dog. What do you think evolution does? Do you, fish to dog? What do you mean it's between a fish and a dog? I'm just saying it's a perfectly involved mammal that re-entered the water I imagine and then got streamlined and I mean it's between a fish and a dog. But why not have one and the other, why not have like, you know, you've got a dog, you've got a fish.

No, it's not between a fish and a dog. It's not between a fish and a dog. I don't know what between means. I don't know what... This is it again about saving everything all the time. What is it doing what's he doing everyone's feeling sorry for them all the time save the seal and all that what's it doing why we saving it let's just ask that question what's it doing I don't know what to say it's between a fish and a dog that that bloke that that

that bloke the Eskimo who emailed in in would he would he be in a probably not no well no I mean I don't I I I I I I I I the I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I th I don't I th I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I th I th I th I don't I don't I don't I th th the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. th. th. I th. I don't th. th. the the thee. theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. the. the. the. th., would he be in an Igloo thing? Probably not, no. Well no, I mean I don't think many Igloos have got internet capabilities, I don't know, I don't want to flag them. But why aren't we saving them? Why aren't we? When you build it, leave a little hole. Yeah, that's where the... But there's kind of Igloo internet. Yeah, but they all go to one Ig. they all go they all go they're they're they're they're they're their their they're their their they're their their to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I their their. I their their their. I their their their their their their. I. I. I. I their their their their their their their their their their their internet. Iglooooskk. Ia. Ia. Ia. Ia. I've toooom. I've tooosk. I've toooshueuegueue. I've their to one. Yeah. But why are they being left alone to live like that when it isn't great? What? Well, we're always eager to help everyone in the world, aren't we? We're always like going, oh, look them people are fed up, let's build the city up for them, give them a, you know, coffee shop and all the rest of it. They're being left alone. They're being left alone. They're being left alone. Ta. They're their. They're their. They're. They're. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. their. their. They're. they're. their. they're they're they're. they're they're. they're their. They're. they're they're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. They're their. We. We're their. We're their. We're their. We're t. We're they're t. We're t happy. Well they're not necessarily happy, but they're... that's the way they live. That's the way they live. That's where they choose to live. But why isn't anyone just gone over and gone? Do you know we can make it a bit better for you? Well they have. I've never had a leaflet There's the most remote people in the world, eventually someone gets them some whiskey and fags and that's the end of them as a culture.

It happens all around the world. They can be this idyllic, idyllic world where there's no stress and soon they're watching, come dancing on tele, knocking back some whiskey and smoking 40 fags a day. But they're not moving that they're not theoday. Surely dancing on ice. But what I mean is like Oxfam collects clothes for people in Africa where it's warm, probably don't need a jacket, nothing for Eskimos where it's freezing, where they'd be quite happy to get a jumper in the post. Right, okay, so what you're suggesting? To Africa we send parasols and bikinies. Yeah, yeah. You're an idiot.

Out of all the people in the world, so I have a chat with, do you know, what's his face? That German doctor? Which one? The guy that displays the human body? Guns, someone. What's his face? That German doctor? Which one? The guy that displays the human body? Guns, someone. The guy's Traven or something. Oh right, yeah.

He's pretty good. Just like the way, you know, he cut stuff up, shows you how the body works and that. Sure. And have you learned anything from that? Well, I don't, is he, is he a proper doctor? Because it's just that he's always, I mean I could cut a body up and ever see him sort of put it back together. Is anyone keeping an eye on him sort of going, well who is he actually? I'm sure he's a proper doctor. Well, well he's, he sort of, uh, cuts bodies up on the tele, and uh, sort of goes, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to cut, to cut, to cut, to cut, to to cut, to cut, I've, I've, I've, I've, I've to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, I to cut, he, he, he, he, he, he, to cut, to cut, to cut, to cut, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to on the tele and sort of goes, here's how like the intestines work

or whatever. And he just, he holds them up, fills them with food. And he goes, look, they go fatter. I mean, he doesn't answer everything, like he doesn't say, I don't understand why the intestines have to be that long. I don't know why it just can't go from the throat to the belly, exit, straight. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the inte. theintent. thentaute, the inte, the inte, they, the inte, the inte, the inte, the inte. And, the intentent. And, the intent. And, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, threathea, teaneteeaneteeaneteenauncteauncteauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauaughea, and tree.eaughea, and tree., and t intestines have to be that long. I don't know why it just can't go from the throat to the belly, exit, straight down, out the art. You must know. Well no, because the way he dragged it out and it was like miles long. Yeah. Pointless. No, it's not pointless. Just have a straight, do you don't mean straight down.

It's to increase the surface area for absorption. So a foot long intestine you wouldn't absorb much food, whereas you go down, you know. Yeah, but just have more points in it where it has to go through some sort of filter. What are you talking about? Again, the evolution sort of work this out for us, it really works. I don't think you you th thn't think thn't thn't thn't thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin. thin. thin. thin. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. th. thi. thi. tho tho. tho. tho. tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's not tho. It's not tho. It's not tho. It's not thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. don't think you're going to improve on it. In your mind you were some kind of what some kind of kplunk? No but what I mean is that's probably that long because years ago they were eating dinosaur and that might have took a lot of indigestion or something. I

don't know how chew it was. It might have been quite fatty dinosaur and it needs to go through all that now. We're eating that that that that that that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that. that's that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that long that long that long that long. that long. that long that's that long. that's that's that's that long. that's that's that's that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's probably that's anything that, you know, is doing that much work anymore. All her food is mashed up. And in aura, right? All her food is mashed. All her food is mashed. All the teat. She doesn't have to chew anymore. She's got teeth, but she doesn't need them.

that's how we're moving on. No, but this is what I I I I I I I I't have intestines removed then? That's sort of our other problem wouldn't it? We're changing everything all the time, aren't we? I mean there's some fellow who was looking at on the internet, identical twins, right? They were sort of sick of looking like each other. So they were like, what can we do? And one of the twins said saids, their, their, he had his arm taken off and stuck on his twin, so

his twins got like three arms. No, it's not true. It's on the website. No, it's not true. What for a laugh? They were bored to leave enough for a laugh. So what doctors doing this then? Well, they're old enough to do that. What sort of practice is this doctor going around and go Dr. Jackal? I mean Carl think of what you're saying but where would he have stopped can you put his in on my knee? It's up to you. If you sign this if you sign this you make it my consent? But but you know it is annoying. What do you think these doctors are doing? Just to do as they told. They don't do as they're told. They do if someone wants it and twins sort of that it can get you down can't it? Being a twin because it's like... Sorry, what would this solve though? I thought you said he gave one of them a bigger nose or a beard or two front teeth to make them look them look them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them them to make them to make to make to make to make to make to make them to make to make to make them to make to make to make to make to make to make to make to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the. the. the the thin. the the the. the the thin. the the the toe. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to make them look different right not I tell you what we could do go on

um would you like one arm Go on what are you thinking well Me three you one therefore not twins novelty I mean you are a mental man, but they can do it. They's no line drawn any more they don't go you crazy if we're not gonna do that. Yeah in saw too not in the real world. They don't do that. No, they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they do. to to to they to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their to do do do do do do do. do do. do do do. do do do do. do to do to to to to to to to to to to to to no line drawn anymore, they don't go, you're crazy, we're not going to do that. Yeah, in sore too, not in the real world. They don't do things like this. All right, there's another bloke, right? I don't know the sort of full ins and outs of it. Go on, you surprised me. But what he asked for, something happened, to the too, something, the, the, the, the, the, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, something, is, is, something, something, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, is, is, is, to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to, to, something, to, something, to, something, something. to, something. to. to, something, something, something, something, right? Um, so he was at the doctors and they were like, oh, what can you do for me? It's a bit embarrassing. I've got nothing down there, right?

So they were like looking at it going, yeah. Doctor, I don't know if he started like rubbing his chin with his finger or something. Look down. You're thinking. Got an idea. You've, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, the their, their, their, their, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, that, that, that, that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. What, th. It, th. What, th. It, thi. It's, that, that, ta. So, too. So, too. So, too. It's, too. So, that, their, their, their, that, that, got an idea, you know, you've got a lot of fingers, how many of them do you use? The patient's like, yeah, I see what you're thinking. They cut off one of his fingers, sewn that on to where his tackle is, he's happy. Well that's different

though, isn't it? That's where they've taken tissue. But've I assume they they fashioned it into more of a knob than a finger no I still think it's there with like a little knuckle and a and you know finger nail and that well I'm I assure you it isn't they've probably used the finger as a basis to then build up some sort of knob based organ if you were doing that use a sausage I mean why lose a finger well I tell you tell you thi the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they they the they they they the they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they'll they're they're they're they're they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they they they they the they the the the their the their the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their te te ty ty ty ty ty ty ty ty. try ty. toge. I te. toge. I te. I te. I te. they're they're they're they're they, use a sausage. I mean why lose a finger for... Well I'll tell you why, because your finger has your tissue, your blood type, and therefore would graft to neotesticals. A sausage is a thing that's made by a butcher out of awful, okay, that really can't be grafted onto any part of the human body. That's why they very rarely use any meat products in surgery.

I know, yeah, use, well, I mean, why not use a sausage, you're a mental case. I saw some bloat the other day in a meeting, and on his desk, he had a picture of his kids who were twins, right? And they did, they looked alike and he did that thing of dressing them the same, that sort thing that annoys me. And I sort of said, you know, you've only got a small desk, just have a picture of one of them. He looked at me like it was mental. That's amazing.

It's not. I think it's a, you know, it's a common sense. You know what you've come up with there? No solution to anything. That's what you've come up with. You've come up with the best no solution I've ever heard in my life. Or it's solutions to problems that don't exist. No, because more room on to a problem that didn't exist in the first place. Well done. There was a picture on the, when I was on the plane coming back from here, there was a picture of this new luxury hotel.

It will be I think $10,000 a night to stay there. It looked extraordinary. It was a hotel and the best rooms were built under the water, under the sea, the water, under the best hotel we've ever seen, but surrounded on all sides by glass and out of it you could see the sea, the sharks, the fish. I don't think I'd like that. But that again, that's just one of them hotels where it's over the top, for the top sake, in it, like where they have 12 course meals. Well, just have two you know, snails. Yeah, it's just, for me all that is...

Don't eat one snail, I have one, eat one big tortoise. If you want slow food, don't have loads of little snails, he has a giant tortoise, tuck into that. Feeds 10. But, but, but it's what you were saying before, when you start having to take a risk with food like the fish that can kill you if you eat it Don't bother. I've there's apparently a delicacy in Japan again someone could verify this where they eat a live little octopus and it can stick to your throat because it's obviously fighting for its life. I mean good again you don't need to eat a live octopus what you think in? How cruel is that? How fresh do you need food? It's I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I? I I? I? I? I? I the the the th. I, I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that? that that, that? that? It's th. th. that, but, but, but, but it is, but it is, thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's there. It's there. It is, it, it, it, it, it, it. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It is th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that. It's th? How cruel is that? Well how fresh do you need your food? It's just not, it's not, you know what I mean? But I always remember this story when I was a kid about some bloke who, a bit sad story

but weird. He had throat cancer, right? And his doctor said, uh, carry on with your life, right? It's not going to be that good. But just carry on, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not th, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not the th. It's not the th. It's not that, it's not that, it's not that, it's not that, it's not that, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it's not, it, right? It's not going to be that good, but just carry on. But don't eat meat. And he was like, I love meat. He's like, yeah, but just don't, you know, have your veg, you know, plenty of vitamins and stuff, keep yourself strong. But don't be eating that anyway. He was fed up because he loved his meat.

And his wife was feeling a bit sorry for him one day and thought you know I'm sick of him looking fed up and all he wants some meat for God's sake give him some meat so she goes to the butchers gets him a big piece of like steak and what have you he can't believe it he's like oh brilliant cheers for that anyway um he's got the meat on his plate just about to to tuck in and the cancer comes out from his throat. What?

No, he's something, I know, he sounds really weird but it's something that I was told about years ago when it was growing up. What are you talking about? It was just some bad illness and cancer thing and it sort of, it was sort of dying. Again, a lot of your medical knowledge is from, it's from, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's th. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. thi. tha, is's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, it's,. Again, a lot of your medical knowledge is from, it's from the film alien. So this guy with throat cancer, okay, as opposed to it being a disease of the cell. It was like a living... The alien. It was, it was, it was, it was, it was the animal. It was the little animal cancer. That's why he wasn't allowed to eat meat. So it's sitting there, so it's actually sitting there and so I'll tell you what I did and if I'd have had some cancer in my thought, I got, oh there you go, rid of that.

What are you talking about? So what happened? He choked to death on this thing and the wife was like that there is in medical stuff. Well the terrible thing is you if you if you got testicular cancer and you eat meat your bollocks come out of your trousers and they're they're all over the plate and you have to be asked to leave the restaurant. The other thing that I was told when I was. Geez. Because she always says to my dad that he has too much meat and she's always like, you know, remember the feather with the, and he goes there. But, um, my grand, she had something wrong with her eyes. And they sort of took him out and they were just dangling on a cheek.

And she could still see them. They were operating on her. They sort of say... No, no, no, no, she wouldn't have been conscious though. No, they were then, because it's something to do with the eyes and it is like... No, it's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep. What do you mean your eyes are asleep? What do you mean is they don't keep them awake? What do you mean is they don't stop the heart the heart the heart the heart their their to keep their to keep to keep their to keep to keep their to keep to keep their to keep to keep their their to keep their to keep their their to keep to keep their their to keep their their their their their their their their their their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thoes thoes thoooooooooooes. thooooooooooo. the. thoooooooooooes. they're they're they're they they they you want to keep them awake? What heart surgery is a bug's awake? Stop talking shit all your life. What I mean is they don't stop the art, the disorder. They don't stop your heart because it kills you.

Yeah, I know, so what I mean is it's like the eyes, they wanted to make sure they were working. So the only way to do it is keep her awake. What do you think, you can plug something in and see what people are thinking? It was something like that. No, no, it wasn't something like that. Well, she could see. No, she could see. How like, you know, you can see her knees. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is only going on and written it down the little...

That's the little... That's the jingle for Carl's Diary, excerpts of which we read each week. Get straight into it. A band from the Conger have won the best newcomers in a radio three competition. They use pots and pans for instruments. It says that the Conger is a poor, sad place. So why do people do that happy dance at the end of parties called the conga? Right, one is the Congo.

There's no place called the Congo. They come from where do you come from? Okay, okay. It's a terrible place. We don't know whether a left leg in or a right leg in. Sometimes we shake it all about. We're not sure if we should. But um...

Konga! Fucking out! How are you a fudge. Went into the gadget shop today. It's full of stuff that we don't need. Gadget used to be a good word that made you think of James Bond with all his gadgets. The best thing I could find in the shop was a clock that ran on potatoes. We are definitely going backwards. I agree. Well, who cares about that? A little electrical impulse, so what? Add a night out with old school mate. Find out about more of the other lads I went to school with. One is living underground.

What do you mean living underground? Not like a mole. Do you mean he's got a basement? Or do you mean he's got a basement? Or do you mean he's got a basement? Or do you mean he went down here? Or do you mean he's a hole in the ground? My mate went to him? He said, oh, come around to us. And he's th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin. thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' thin' th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thin. to mean. thin. to mean. to mean. to to mean. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thin. thin. th that? That's an old in the ground? Yeah, come in? He just said, oh, come around to see us and he's living on the ground. What do you mean he's living underground? He wanted to be in the army but was turned away and that's a closest thing you can sort of go to sort of. How is that similar to the army? Oh, that's exactly like a trade, true. their their their their their their hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. hea. He's hea. He's hea. He's hea. He's hea' hea' hea' hea' he's he's hea' hea' he's he's living he's living he's living he's living under he's living hea' hea' hea' hea' he a he a he a he a he a he a he a he a he a he a he a he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's he. He's hea' hea' hea' hea' hea' toy. He's toy. He's living toy. He's toy. He's living he's living he's living he's living in he's living he's living hea' hea' hea. He's down there. He said it was really muddy and what have you. He said he won't be going back to visit him. What's he got down there? Just stuff, just like a sleeping bag, a lamp.

He dug, he's dug himself a subterranean cave. Near my old infant school, they knocked it down because it was like a wreck. You'd be in a class and you could lean on the wall. Yeah, subsidence. And they knocked knocked thovedk knocked they knocked thovede knocked they knocked they knocked thovede they th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thuu. thu. thu. thu. thoom. thoom. thoom. thoom. He's tho-hea. He was tho-he's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He's th. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He. He's th. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's the. He's thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. He's the. He's th. He's th. He's th wall. Yeah, subsidence. And they knocked it all down and I think that's when he was at his most happy, this bloke. I believe this though. I believe someone he went to school with now lives in a hole. That doesn't shock me. When the tales I've heard of horses and houses and big-headed kids with webbed hands and feet and you know and him. I believe that someone he went to school with now lives in a hole. That isn't that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. I that's. I that's. I that's. I that's. I's that's. I's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. I's that's. I's. I's. I's. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I's th. I've th. I've th. I've the. I've the. I've the. I the. I the. I thi. I thi's thi's thi believe that someone he went to school with now lives in a hole. That isn't bizarre to me.

That's tot- that's... He spent far too long with him if that, now you're just happy to accept. I totally accept that. I'd be surprised if I walked around where he lived there were more people living in holes. Its dad said let's throw it on the fire. I mean, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, tho, thoom, thoom. I'm, tho, that, that, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, th, th. That, th. That, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, th. That's, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho. And, thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. And, the, the, the, throw his budgy on the fire. True. Its budgy died, his dad said let's throw it on the fire. I mean, his mum, what did your mum do when your budgy died? She just was worried about the other bird that was left. So she made it a bit accompanied by getting a rock, getting a feather off the dead budgee, sticking it on the rock, putting it in the cage. So a man living in a hole is not that bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre bizarre. It is bizarre. It is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not that is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It is not thi. It's to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to their. their. their. their. their. their. the their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi. the thi. thi. thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. thrue. to to to the. to to to to to to the. the. the. All right, carry on. I read me science magazine. Some things I learned from the science magazine.

Number one, space is running out of space. We should stay out of the sea because shark attacks are up. Yeah. Probably four a year now. He just says, yeah, we should just stop going in the sea. Why is there no need for going the sea? Just because there isn't now, is they, we, we, we, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, tho, tho, tho, thi, to be, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to be, thi... So, thi, thi, thi, is thi, thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is thi, is not, is thi. So, is to tooooooooooooo. We's, is thooooooooo. So, is too. too. to, is to the sea? Just because there isn't now, is there? We've got loads of land. So just, you know, one or the other. We walked out the sea. This is what I mean about going backwards, getting back in it again.

We came from the sea originally. Now we're going back in it. Don't go in it. Unless you're in a boat. The rules. The rules. to Carl Pilkington. Oh God! Did the podcast and then went for a walk around Manchester Square. Years ago a woman lived around there who had a head like a pig-longeatheed the pig-headed square. That made me think if there were other pig-headed women knocking about London. Do you know what I mean? Why was she nicknamed that, why not just the pig-headed woman? That suggests to me like there was loads of pig-headed women and that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th, the the the th, th. Oh, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tog, their, tog, tog, th. thog, th. thr-s, th suggests to me like there was loads of pig-headed women and that's the one of Manchester Square. Right. Well now it was more to do with identifying her, not amongst other pig-ed-women but go, have you seen the pig-woman of Manchester Square? I, go down there and see the pig-woman, it's in Manchester Square. What happens if always come back if you rattle the feed. Watched a film about Hitler.

Didn't watch all of it as it was subtitled. Can't be doing with that. Ask Suzanne if cinemas are full of deaf people when they're showing subtitled films. She said, shh, I'm trying to watch it. I say, what do you mean, shh! You must be a joy to watch a subtitle film. I mean the concentration is up there already. I mean it is hard to concentrate. It's not as easy as when you're hearing it because you know you really think it's possible. If you had a buffoon going I'm just going to sit here and make as much noise as I want, what's the point of that? What is the point of that? I mean it's possible. Do that in a cinema? Just walk in the the, right everybody, let's all do the Congo. Well yeah or during ballet you know

in ballet they're just dancing you don't need to listen to the words just just have a conversation. We're having our bathroom done. The bathroom man was around at nine this morning. We weren't allowed to use the shower because it all had to be bone dry before he could use his waterproof Not about waterproof then. Went for a brew with Ricky. We talked about monkeys and how they are closer to humans than they are to apes and how bees will drink cider to get off their heads. Now and again there is a bee that lets the drinking get in the way of the work and other bees sting it to death.

Blamey. Yeah, well, there are, there's bees, they love a drink and they can just, they will drink pure alcohol. They drink anaerobes, they drink ethanol, I don't know why. They love getting off it and they fall down and they're drunk. A bee can take in the equivalent of like 20 liters of wine, right? But some bees get addicted in the same sort of percentage as human addiction, like 10% of bees, they can't get enough for it. They take ethanol, they take cider apples and that. And then when they get back to the hive, they go in a bit pissed, and they've got guard bees,

and they go, come on with all other trips. Yeah, they're sort of alright, and they. I saw his face but I knew that he was thinking of that bee with sort of like eyes rolling round his head a little bit belligerent with his jacket on backwards. Yeah, you know and the bounce are going come on, come on some, we've all done and laughed, move away. You're not coming in, right, you're wearing three pairs of trainers and I'm sick of it, you know. But what I did find out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out, I'm their. I'm their. I'm, th. I'm, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, th.. I'm, th. th. that, I was, that, that, th. th. th. I's, th. I's, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. th. thr, thrown. thrown. thrown, thrown, thrown, thrown, the. thrown, their, their their because I went home and went on the computer, try to find out about drunk bees knocking about, they're not actually meant to fly. It's only because they don't can fly.

Well no, but if they were told that you're not actually designed to fly, they wouldn't bother. No, this is that thing that goes around that aerodynamically, on the face, on the face, on the face, the face, the face, theiricicicicicicicic, the face, the face, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, their, their, I, I, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr, their, thr, their, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, drunk, their, their, their, their, their, their, this is the this is that thing that goes around that aerodynamically on the on the face of it looking at the size of the wings and the and the body proportions and everything that it's a surprise that they can fly okay it's not that no one's ever told them they can't and since someone tells me not meant to fly they all fall out this guy going oh what we're doing? Like thi., that's something about the confidence in that. At the moment nobody's saying to it. It's not the confidence. There is no such thing as confidence in bees. A bee never loses his nerve. That's not what he drinks. Because what you're drinking for? I'm just not confident anymore. There's no one turn to the bottle. I can't go up there again. I th again again again again. I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th to th to thu thu thu the the. I the. I the the that to to to the that's no that's no that's no that's no that's no that's no that's no that's no to that's no that's no the confidence. I the the confidence. I can't the the confidence. I can't the the the the the the the the the the the the the th th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thin th. I the. I thin. I the. I the the the an the an the an the an the an thean the an that's no that's no that's no that's no the an that's no the the that that that time, isn't it? What?

What? What? Yes, the time that no one looks forward to? Simpancy that rockbusters. Right, so, uh, gave you three clues last week, three cryptic clues. Some initials of a band or an artist you emailed in. Rob Arden got it, right?

Oh, nice work Rob. So well done. The three clues, the first one was R.P. for the initials, and the clue was steal that woman's flower. So that woman's flower. Right? So that was a cryptic clue. The answer there is, is Robber Plant? Robber Plant? I don't know who that is though, is it?

There's no artist called Robert Plant. That's like Robert, Robert, Robert, no, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, no, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert, Robert. the What do you do say? Do you know if it means like... In your album buying a rubber plant? They wouldn't go what? I don't know who... Are you saying rubber plant? What are you saying there, Carl, though? The second one was, uh, the initial was B. It doesn't work.

The initial was B. the the the they. And that was keep whack in the cooker. Yeah, that was B, that was B-Ovon. Beat Oven. I don't know that is, is that a group. Beat Oven? Is that the Beatles? Who's the Beat Ovens? Classical sort of stuff, Beethoven. Beat oven. Beat oven, beat oven. B M, right? I just want to know who rubber plant is. Don't be worrying about rubber. No. It's not the one in Leifpland, is he? So M was the initial, the clue was Venice, it's all water in it. How would you describe it? There's hardly any land, right? So if there's hardly any land, right? It's more water, what sort what would you get? Right? And then, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their, their, their, their, the, the, the, the, the, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, they... It's, they. It's, they. Don't, they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. It's, they. It's, they. It's, they. It's, don't, they. It's, the, don't, don't, the's hardly any land, right, it's more water, what sort of water would you get? And then, what? Wetville? No, but just like water in Venice, what sort of water is it? It's sort of... Muddy. Um, no, not. Muddy waters? No, but how would you describe Venice? What's the, what's the, what's the, um, if the, what's the, uh, muddy waters? No, but their, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the, what, what, the, what, the, what, what, the, the, what, what, what, what, the, what, the, what, the, the, what, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, what, what, what, the, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, the um... If there's more... But what's the... What's the... An issue again? M. M. Muddy waters?

If there's more C than land... What would you say? Would you say, you probably say there's... More of it is C, more is C? More is C? More is C? More is C? So that's the answer. Morrisy. More is C? Morrisy. Mori. Morr... More. Morr... More. Morr... More? More? More? More? More? More? So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. that's. that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. the. the. the. to uh... That's the worst one you've ever done well that's ridiculous that's the worst you've ever done. It's ridiculous. Morric see right if they're that shit don't do it anymore so well done to a rubber Hardin

he's in he's in London right this week's another three so oh god have you've even come to this week so this is the last time we do this monkey he's back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back back this this this this this th is back back th is back th th th th is th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th thi thi's th th th th th th is th is th is th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th is th. th is th. thi thi thi thi's thi's thi thi thi thi thi thi to to to that's to that's that's that's that's that's that's thi thi thi thi thi's thithis week so I forgot there. This is the last time we do this, Monkey News back next week. No. Yeah, well this is shit, this is pathetic. Really, it's making a bigger moron than you are. More is C? Robber, it's possible. They don't fucking work. Let's do monkey news. They're getting them right. They're getting them right. They're getting them right right right right, right? ND, who is it? You sing songs on that, right? ND. The clue, that Jamaican fella doesn't want anything. So you've got to sort of imagine,

oh why is it a Jamaican fella? Yeah. Right? That Jamaican fella doesn't want anything. ND. Second one, the initial is E. I ask them to pass me the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the him to pass me the ball by using their head. Right? It's a band of an artist again. I ask them to pass me the ball by using their head. And the last one, T.R., the initials, T.R., he's got the woolly ones, but I've got the ones that run and charge at you. So what forgot? What forgot? What the one? the the the the the the the the the the the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball the ball? th. the ball is. th. the ball is. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. th. th. th. the ones that run and charge at you. What forgot? What? He's got the woolly

ones, but I've got the ones that run and charge at you. So what forgot? And what's the... TR? For the initials. All right? Email in, podcast, at Ricky Jovece. Call me just pick a winner, send you some stuff. It's rockbusters. Well, that's a end of another half hour of... Could I just say this? Absolute drivel. Yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean... Can I be honest with you now Rick? I'm embarrassed to put my name to this week's show because the amount of twaddle there's been true-it. It's my name on it, which is the embarrassing, but you know, let's, the village idiot that is Carl Pillceton, uh, uh, uh, uh, he's got an Ed like an orange, he's got a fucking IQ of an orange. So it's goodbye from me, I'm not saying my name, goodbye from Steve Merchant.

Well, okay, but mostly goodbye from Carl Pilkington. Mainly his fault.