The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S2E4 (March 21, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series two of the podcast began on 28 February 2006. It consisted of 6 episodes with the final one released on 4 April 2006. The series saw the return of Karl's Diary and Rockbusters. A new (though short-lived; it was only presented in the first episode) feature was also introduced in order to replace Pilkington's "Monkey News", called "Real Monkey News", where Gervais attempts to present facts about chimpanzees which are factual and scientific.With the start of series two, the formerly free Ricky Gervais Show shifted to a pay model – and as a result the show is now classified as an audiobook. It is available through Audible and the iTunes Store with individual episodes. The reason for this addition, according to Ricky on the podcast, is because The Guardian agreed to pay for the bandwidth for 12 episodes, and any more extra episodes would have to be paid for out of their personal finances.

Welcome to number four, season two, the Ricky Jovee show. With me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, and Carl Pilkington. Now, there's a lot of talk, Carl, that I bully you. With me, Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, and Carl, right? Now, there's a lot of talk, Carl, that I bully you, okay? You know, it's for your own good. I'm trying to to train train to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to the to the the the the the the I bully you. Okay? You know, it's for your own good. I'm trying to train you, aren't I? Do you know what I mean? Because, and no disrespect, okay, you are what I would call a stupid idiot. Well, can I just ask, because there's been an awful lot of emails

that have said, will you and Steve please stop calling Kyle stupid? Now, they say, oh, he doesn't justify calling him stupid. Now, I don't know thi th thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thu, thu, thu, thu, thu, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's that's that's that's that's th. that, th. th. to to to to to to th. th. to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, that, that's, that's that that that that toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I, that's, th. I, say he doesn't justify calling him stupid. Now I don't know what part of injecting a 76 year old woman in the head so that she lives her life backwards couldn't be considered stupid. Okay then listen, right I'm gonna I've found some things that I think will interest you and I want your first thoughts on these okay. Now these are facts that I've sourced. Okay. What's the actual topic? Well, you love animals, don't you? You're interested in animal facts. Some of them, some of them fascinate me and stuff, but a lot of them also get on my nerves. I don't know how an animal can get on your nerves.

They just do. Sometimes you sort of just think, what are they doing here? What are they offering anyone? Right. See I'm worried that these facts annoy you now, but they're meant to fascinate you and... No, I think anything's good as long as it gets you thinking. It doesn't matter what opinion you have of something. Yeah. But as long as it gets a reaction. Okay, then, here go. There's a frog, just a little frog, a poison, a poison that contains enough poison to kill over a thousand human beings. Why is it that annoyed? It's not annoyed. Why is it going about killing a thousand people?

No it has the potential to, it has enough poison, has enough toxin in it that could kill a thousand human beings. Does it need that, where about is this? where is it living? In the rainforest, I think. And does it need that sort of power? Is it in that much? Is it getting threatened a lot? Is what I mean? Well no, because it's saying don't come near me and it shows it with its

colors, it's got the colors that say it doesn't want to be eaten bit, right, and go, oh, I'm an idiot. It's saying, look at my colours, don't eat me. Don't you don't want to come near me. But then why give it bright colours? Because now it's standing out. Yeah, and it's going, don't eat me. Yeah, but make it a colour that fits in, like camouflage? Why, why make it orange? Of course it's going to stand out, and then they'll turn the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite bite their their their their their their their their their their their their tooome. tooom. tooom. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. th. th. th. thi. tie. tie. tie. tie. tie. tie. tie. te. te. te. te. toooooooooooooome. toe. toe. toe. they'll attack it and then they'll turn around and bite them and kill a thousand men or whatever. No, it doesn't bite, it's the fact that if you were to eat it you would die. Yeah, but who's, I mean, who's going to eat it? Well, things thatto suckle and blur. You have killed me and 999 of my friends. But why is everything like surviving like this though?

I thought it was all about survival of the fittest. Not the one who looks the artist. But survival of the fittest is whether you're chosen or not by nature. No but I'd survive if I could go about killing a thousand men at one bite. It's not fair. It doesn't bite. Well, whatever, if it licks you or whatever. No, if it's not if it's lick it.

Well, I'm not going to lick it. I will not be licking a frog's head. I don't, I will not be licking a frog, I, the it and there's no chance at no point am I going to lick a little frog's head. Not when it's alive or when it's dead. I love the fact it's all about you. It's all about how it relates to you. And he's annoyed that they're like getting away with something. He doesn't like any sly animals. He doesn't like animals hiding, then he was not animals, he doesn't know animals, he doesn't know what he wants. th. And he's. And he's th. And he's th. And he's th. And he's th is. And he's their th is. And he's th is th is thi. And their thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And he's the fact is is the fact is is is thi. And he's the fact, it's all thi. And he's all that it's all that it's all. And he's all. And he's all. It's all. It's all. It's that it's is is that it's is that it's is. It's is that it's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's the fact. It's the fact. It's thi. It's the fact. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all. It's all kill things. He doesn't know what he wants. When they say survival and fittest, they don't mean that, say, lions have been working out in a gym.

Do you understand? It means the fittest gene pool. And the fittest gene pool is a gene pool that's still around. That's all it is. If it's here, if it? It is. You think evolution is aiming towards being human? What? It's nowhere near what we're like. But you're looking at it in terms of like this evolution has a will. It doesn't have a will, it's chosen or it's not chosen by nature.

A slug got it right. What do you mean it hasn't? Well what was it like before it got it right? But I think you think Carl that evolution is moving towards some kind of super being. Perhaps we're like the most advanced so far but that one day we'll also have wings and Superman type powers? No, but something can happen in nature there could be something like there could be less light, there could be more like like the most the most the most thance th once th once th th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like th like that th like th like that th like th like th like th like th like that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, that, that, that, what was like the, what was like, what was like, what was like the, what was like the. What was like, what was like the. What was like the. What was like the. What was like that, what that, that I agree with that. No, but something can happen in nature. There could be something like there could be less light, there could be more like there could be meter storms. There could be something that happened in nature, right? An external force, which means it, it, it, the paradigm goes back to naught. So then something that very unlikely would be the last thing to survive. You know, we don't know what that we don't that we don't that you've got the concept. It's one of the simplest concept. It's one of the simplest models. This is why Darwin's

a genius. But you think that everything, slugs, cats are all somehow, their ambition is to be like us, to be human or to have their attributes like us, they can speak, they can they don't. But only, I only, I I I I I I I I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I only, I, I, I, I, I, I only, I think, I think, I, I, think, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, th..................... S, th, th, th. th, th. th. th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the, thr, the, the, the. the. the. the. you see people with these pets lizards cats whatever they treat them like the humans so I think if you do that enough times they're gonna start getting familiar with again Planet the Apes. No I'm talking say like you with your cat the way you talk to it you give it a little cheeky massage and that when it's stressed out. No no no you made th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. the th. the th. the th. th. the thi the the thi thi. that. that. th. the th. th. the the they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're thi. thi. thi. that. that. try. try. te. try. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they stressed out. No no you made that up that it was stressed out. I'm just playing with my cat right if anything that the cat is to de-stress me. So you're talking to your cat Rick is answering about much how the conversation's going with your cat? Well it's I have

more intensive conversations with my cat than I do with yeah here's one right when my grand died right she And that's all we got left. It's like this little poodle. That was rubbish, right? Right? It's called Fluffy. And like my grand looked after it in a way that it was treated like a human. Do you know what I mean?

Had a little coat on when it went out and all that. Anyway, so she died, we get left it, my dad's like oh bloody hell, right? Before you know it only took about a month, it was a wreck because we weren't sort of bathing it the way she bathed it, we let it out if he wanted to go out. He got covered in oil, it used to go under the car and everything so it went from looking like this fluffy, you know, poodle to just be in a the the the their, you, you, you, you, you, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, to to thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, took, too, too, too, too, t of a wreck. It got it by a car, it ran sideways, like a crab and all that. In the course of how long a month? Probably about two two months or something. Now, so it went from being over-treated to just being treated like a dog. Yeah, but a dog dog isn't, you know, it's not an indigenous species anywhere. We sort of bred those from, you know, jack- and change it, take away the dog thing, give someone a frog and they'll still try to treat it like if you had a frog I mean that lizard thing you've got.

Salamander is it still sort of treated as part of the family. How is it treated as part of the family? Just the way you know it's looked after that if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, if, the the the the, the the, the, the the the the the the they.. they. they. the the the frog, they. they, they, they, they're they're they, they're they's they's they's, they's, the frog, the frog, they's the frog, they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's the frog, the frog, the the the the the the the the th. th. the thi, the thi, thi, the thi. thi. thro, thro, they's thro. throoooooo. they's they's they's throoooooo. they'll they'll they'll they'll they it's looked after that big area that it's got to itself. We stick it in a case and feed it a cricket down again. How is that like one of the family? It doesn't matter because it's in your flat. It's in your flat in it and it's sat in that corner. I just mean as time goes on, things get educated as they get older. How old is that lizard? You don't? How old is it? How old? How old? How old? How old? How old is it? How old is it? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? It's? It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it, it, it, it. th. th. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It's, it. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It? It. It. It? It? It. It's? It. It's? It's? It's? It's? It's. It's? It's. It's? It's? It's. It's. It's? It's? It's? It's? It's? It's, th. It's in. It's in. It's in. It's in. It's in. It's in. It's in tot. It's in th. It's in th. It's in thi. It's in thi. It's in th. It's th. It's that lizard? You don't? How old is it? About 15 years old? Right. Now it knows more now than it did when you got it because it's been in those surroundings, it's had its eye on things. Well no, what's he think it knows? What do you mean knows? What does

it learn? It knows when it hears the noise of a plastic case being unwrapped that a cricket's going to fall down any second. That's all he knows. Yeah, but he didn't know that in the jungle. So it's already one up. What else has it learned? Well, I mean it's 15, so presumably it listens to a lot of Lincoln Park, because on the internet a lot. No, but do you know what I mean? You've already proved your point? fellow who kept hitting the dog on the head with a stick. Right, Pavlov at no point did he hit a dog on the head with a stick. But he kept doing it and eventually the dog went,

I'm sick of this. I'm one of the dogs. Yeah, brilliant. Why didn't you write up his experiments? Because he could he did it a little bit different to that. I'd love that. Do you know what I'd to do a program where you rewrite, you write, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the dog, I, I, I, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm the the the the the the dog, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I the dog, I the dog, I the dog, I the dog, the dog, the dog, the dog, the dog, the the the tho, tho, tho, tho, thoooa, thoa' thoa'n't thoa' thooa' thooo, I'm the dog, I'm the dog, I Pavlov's first, we could do Freud. What do you know about Sigmund Freud? The father of psychoanalysis. Right, come on in. I don't know anything on him. Well look him up. Educating Carl. That's your next week, right? Let's do another podcast next week, then they'll get an extra run free, the people who paid for it, right? We're going to hear about Sigman Freud, okay? Hmm. Here's an interesting fact. thiiiiii. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the thi. What thi. What thi. What thi. What's th. What's th. What's th. What's th. What's the th. What's the th. What's the the the the the f. What's the f. What's the f. What's the the f. What's the the the the the the the the the the th. S, th. So, th. So, thi. What, thi. What thi. What thi. What thi. What's thi. What's thi. What's thi. What's thi. What's theeateateateaten. S. S. Sigman's thi. Sigman's thi. S. S. Sigman's thi. S. S. S. hear about Sigmund Freud, okay? Here's an interesting fact. If the frog annoys you, this might annoy you, a blind chameleon will still change colour to match its surroundings. You're aware that the chameleon can...

Yeah, whatever it sits on. But then what happens when you put one of them on a mirror? No, does it get stressed out or what's what's it copying? Well it probably doesn't need to copy anything because it looks it itself and he goes on it looks like it's brilliant. God that was fast that's the fastest I've ever done that that is brilliant. So they can go any color there's nothing you can put them on anything and they'll go to the I I I I I I I I I I I I I I look look look look look look look look look look look that. that. God. God. God that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their th. th. the. that's that's that's that's put them on anything and they'll go to the... I don't want you to have a chameleon because you'd just be trying to see what it could and couldn't do it. I know yeah. Pop it on some tartan. But again say like the frog thing right?

Pop it on the telly yeah couldn't do it fast enough. Why does the chameleon need that to that that that that that that to the to that to the to the the that to be the the the the the to be the the the their their their their their is their is. their is. their is. their is. their is. th. th. the. th. th. thi. th. thi. thi. thi. th. thi. th. th. I can't. I can't. I can can't. I can't. I can't. I is is is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. I is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It's is. It's is. It's is. It's c. It's c. It's c. It's c. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's c. It's c. It's c. It that skill of copying a colour? Because at the end of the day that lizard, a chameleon whatever, that's mainly sticking in the woods and it by trees, by grass. Right. Why can't it just stay green? That's all it needs. That's all it needs. That those colour changes are only for camouflage aren't they? I don't know some of them are for attraction, some of them to show moods, anger. No but I just think we're encouraging them, you see maybe this is evolution or whatever, but at the end of the day because they can change color, they're wandering out of their area. They can be wandering about, you know through a car park and just because they'll go well I don't want to get the their their their their their I get their I get to get get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get to get their their their their their their tho tho the their their the. thoom, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. their their their their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their their, the, the. the. the. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea. thea' thea' the color of concrete. Whereas... Or into the color of the Fiat Punto. But they should just stay green. Stay green, right?

Stay in the woods and stay safe. I love this public information for camellians. Where is their advice for chameleons. Oh God. Why are they blind chameleons around? I'm assuming that the blindness has no impact on the color change presumably is an automatic... It must be. But then that's not going to wonder about much anyway, is it? It's blind. It'll probably stay where it is. So it doesn't need to keep changing.

You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean now. I never do though. Right. The only time a turkey whistles is when it panics. Christmas time then. Yeah. What do you think of that, Carl? It goes from one extreme to another, don't it? You've got a frog who's going mental. It's not going mental. Killing thousands of people. No, that's got that sort of power. Then you got a turkey who's whistling for help. You think that you should redress the balance a little bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit bit a little bit a little bit a little bit a little bit bit a little bit bit a little bit a little bit bit bit bit a little bit bit a little tha little tha little thoanananananananananananananananananananananananananananan's a th sort of power, then you got a Turkey who's whistling for help.

You think that you should redress the balance a little bit. You want to give... What would you do? Give the frog the ability to kill 500 and the Turkey 500? I don't think it should be killing, I reckon 10. 10 because... You've made your point with 10, haven't you? Do you think that he's got a thousand to kill. I don't think you understand. I just think he doesn't really kill a thousand people. That that stat is about that if you were to boil up a frog decanter the poison there would be enough poison to split between a thousand people and kill them. It doesn't mean someone goes, Frog, you have the power to kill 1, thousand people in your lifetime. Choose them wisely them them them them them them them them them them them the thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thoomomorrow thoomorrow tho------------------------------------------------------------------a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that is is th. that is that-in. that-s. th-s. thoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-s. thoa-s. thoauuu-s. that's that's that's that's that's that-s. in your lifetime. Choose them wisely. But I just think if it needs that sort of power. It should be fighting evil? Well it's not, it's knocking about the wrong area, isn't it? If it's under that much danger, move. Ha'a'er. Ha'a'er. Thanks very much indeed for all of your emails, podcast at Rikijvase.com. It's lovely to hear your feedback. Many of them obviously responding to the inanity that

Carl has spouted over the various shows. A lot of people just want your opinion on things. They just throw things out and they just want to know what you make of them. For instance, are you familiar with multiple dimensions, the idea of multiple dimensions. Go on. Well, you know, there are theories which state that we are just in one of an infinite number of dimensions and in all of those other dimensions, every possible variation that you could imagine exists. So there is a Carl in one of those other dimensions that's both man and woman. There is a Carl that's got hair.

There is a Carl that's got a penis growing out of his face. There is a car, there is every conceivable Carl. And this is a scientific theory, not science fiction, it's a scientific theory. Is it a planet? No, it's a multiple dimension, it's another dimension that exists in parallel with the dimension we are living in now. So we're living in our dimension and right next to us intangible, unable to communicate with it or touch it or interact with it, there are multiple directions.

So I'm still doing what I'm doing now but I'd be sat there with a knob on me up. Exactly. Exactly the same life, but with the knob on the head. Now because there's an infinite number of dimensions, there's another one where you're not doing this. You're sat there with a knob on your head, but you're talking French. you're talking French, but you're talking French, but you're talking French, and you're talking French, and you're talking with your mouth? Exactly. And no one can make a head andell of what you're saying. No because it's it's pigeon French anyway. Exactly. But who came up with this? Well it's because there are phenomenons that happen at the subatomic level that people are explaining as being that for instance atoms or very very small molecules are disappearing and

people are saying... I don't know the fact that we try to dissect this theory and you said very very small molecules. Well yeah, okay, atoms, neutrons. And is the anything that we look at on this planet that we go, that's weird, but it would fit in normal in another dimension? It's just so happened. I think we have. Say like the elephant man.

Yeah. Was he all right, but he was just in the wrong dimension. Well it's an interesting thought. I mean of course there is one dimension that where you are the ruler of the world and everyone thinks you are a genius. Yeah. I'd hate that though. I just don't understand why we're worrying about this though. No, nor do I. Well we're not worrying about it. Well they are because scientists and that are sat in a room somewhere going, what's going on? What's happening in the other dimension? But we can't get to it, can we? So that's why I don't worry about it.

I agree with Carl. It's largely pointless. It's academic. It's like when a person does some of it. It's like when a person does some philosophy and the first lecture he ever goes to he comes out and he goes in the Student Union he goes up to someone who's doing English or science and goes oh you're right mate that table's not there they go what I go the table's not there because what do you know it's they go what what are you talking about the table is there isn't it bit of philosophy and you try to spell off because of course I told you before I'm like when

Stood a school play and There was a girl I was trying to crack on to her, but I was going through my sort of you know the fifth form phase of sort of reading Catherine the ride all the rest of it rebellion against the system and I thought well, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I th, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, I tho, that, and I tho, tho, tho, because tho, because, and I was tho, and I was tho, and I was tho, and I was tho, and I was th, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was, and I was th, and I was th, and I was th, and I was th, I was tho, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was that, I was tho, tho, tho tho a thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, thoan, there's there's there's there's there's there's there's she's going to find me appealing if she realizes how smart I am. So I... Can I just ask you one thing? Is this before or after the phase when you thought a bowtie would sort you out? This was before the bowtie phase. There was a phase I should say for new listeners where I, for about six months, wore a bowtie

because I thought it made me look sort of like I was from a Jeeves and Worcester book book book book book book was very urbane and sophisticated. But yeah we're doing the school play and there was one point where everyone was hanging out in one of the rooms, music rooms, getting changed, joking, laughing, cracking on to each other, right? I was sat in the room next door, empty room, on my own, right, reading Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, the sort of kind of, you know, populist philosophy book from the 70s, just sat reading that in the hope that she would walk in the room, see me, think, my God, he's obviously wise and presumably, you know, get off with me. Must have sat there for about an hour and a half before anyone came in.

And, uh, she came came in eventually and I thought ding-dog this is it she came in and said have you seen Martin Wells? I said I think you might be next door she disappeared again I gave another 15 minutes on the hope that she'd come back she didn't wait in the next room she was getting off with Martin Wells oh no because he'd been dancing he'd been dancing around with no trousers on. So all I'll say is there's a valuable lesson learned. I think this was the same girl. I was at a party once and I was at a party once and I was this girl, I'm a an impressor and someone lit some jostics.

You know just going to give it a kind of hippy vibe right and I didn't know what justics were I thought they were some kind of drug like cannabis so these jostics are like I started I started going because I thought we were all supposed to be getting high on these jostics I started going whoa oh man these were all supposed to be getting high on these Jostics. I started going, whoa. Oh man, these Justics are really doing me in man. And everyone said, what do you mean? I went, oh, they're good stuff. It's just good shit.

And they said, what do you mean? Jostics? They're not, it's not, they're not drugs. They're just saying. I. drugs they're just, there's an incense. I went, yeah, I know, I'm just saying they're, I'm just saying they smell great, is what I'm saying. Meanwhile, Martin Wells on the table, trousers down, everyone just throwing in money. Yeah, exactly. I don't know if it was, I mean it was another party where I, um, I don't think it was the same girl, but there's inevitably, there's inevitably, there's a a a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, their. their, their, their, their, their, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, the same, their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th that I'm trying to, you know, impress. And I went up to, it was a house party in someone's house, I didn't know anyone there really. I suddenly... Steve, you come without trousers?

Well it worked for bloody Martin Wows. And I, um, I went up to the toilet and I had to do, you know, number twoos. Brilliant. And I was like, I was scraming around in this bathroom thinking what can I use, there was nothing. And I was thinking, oh God, what can I do? And as I recorded in the end, I couldn't make anyone here. I didn't want to sort of go out into the hall and stuff. So I had to shout out the window into the garden where everyone was.

No! And so I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was liked I was I was liked I was liked I was liked. I was to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was I was the the the the th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was that that thou th th th th thou th th th th to that to that to that that that that. No. Yeah, and someone had to come and bring me some. And once again it didn't... Well I wish I'd fucking had Zen in the ironmost that makes it that I could have written some fucking pages out and white my arse. Oh! Chimps is that? He's gone and written it down again. That's the, uh, the ever-changing jingle for Carl's diary, exits of which we like to read each week. Suzanne said today, it can be my day because she has been a bit of a pain with her illness and that. So she said I can do what I want today.

We went for a walk around Green Park. Loads of tourists were about looking at the Queen's house. She was in because the flag was up. I wouldn't want to live there. Why wouldn't you want to live there? Just because it's right in the center of the table. It's just not in a good place, is it around about that? Really busy.

It's pretty good. bit of a mood about it. A bird shout on my ear once. I left it for about 10 to 15 minutes until I got home. I washed it off and in that 10 to 15 minutes it had corroded my ear. He's had a lot of problem with ears. He told me the other day. He got up, washed, at a bath, had some breakfast, went to the shops,to get a newspaper and add a chat with a woman in the corner shop, got home, put her in around, looked in the mirror, he had a cotton bud sticking out of his ear. He went, what annoyed me was, she didn't say anything. Like it's her responsibility. Yeah, but she knows me well enough to go, you've

got a cotton bud in your ear. No, she knows you well enough to go. Carl's got a the the the their a their a their their their their their their their their their their their their to to have got a cotton their to have a cotton to have a cotton their to have a cotton to have a cotton to to to to to to have a their to to to to to to to to to to tooom. tooom. tooom. tooom. tooom. tooom. to say, I. tooom. tooom. tooom. their. their. their. their. their. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I's. I's tooom. I's tooom. I's their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their cotton bud in your ear. No she knows you were enough to go. Carl's got a cotton bed and his ear I've seen worse. When you got a cotton bed in your ear, what interrupted you? I think Suzanne called or my dad called or something and then because I was running a little bit late because I've been talking to them their bud was in I just popped my coat on and went to the shop. Carl, you got a toothbrush in your mouth. Oh, walked through Covent Garden. There were five of them mimes knocking about. I don't understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture. That's so true. That's really true.

If the point is their staying still, if that's their skill, a picture won't tell that story. That's absolutely true. My dad took the cat to be put down today because it kept bumping into things since losing its sight. My ma'am said she's not going to get another one. She said the parrot is looking worried as it's seen the buddy and the cat go in the space in the space of three months. Your mom said the parrot's th. What happened to the cat then? It gets into a lot of fights. It lost one eye and then it got into another fight and lost another. And it was just walking around bumping into stuff. I mean the vet sort of said, oh we can't do stuff to keep it alive and all that,

but it's a bit out of order, because it costs a fortune, they shouldn't tell you. But... My mom-dad can't afford to have eyes put on it and stuff. No, you can't have eyes put on a cat anyway. No, but he said, oh, we can do something here. We can't have its eyes sorted out. But it, well, I don't think it's allowed cats. I don't think're still knocking about. It's just that we get through them. It's a good job you're not going to have kids. Oh God, Almighty.

I can't believe it. The cat that kept throwing up. So his mom shaved it. Unbelievable. Dry wipe cat. A mate sent me a story on email about a bloke in China who has this weird illness that means he can't have his picture taken. That's not the weird bit. If he tries, his body doesn't appear in the photo.

Don't talk shit. He has had group pictures taken and everyone appeared apart from here. Don't talk shit. The story had a picture next to it of a family photo and it said he was stood at the back but you couldn't see him. Right, he wasn't in the picture. He wasn't in the picture. No he wasn't in the picture.

We've done loads of tests and stuff on the tests. No, there's don't. I haven't done loads him tell us, you're talking shit. Suzanne watched a film You've Got Mail tonight for about the 14th time. I don't think you could properly fancy someone without seeing them, unless you're blind. I think it's odd when blind people have affairs. Why is that odd? Just because most stuff is based on looks and it. So you think once they found someone, they're happy with them.

Stick with them. But no, it's not true. I mean most things are based on looks. What I mean is when you first meet someone and that. Well, initially it's only looks because you don't know them. So that's what I'm saying, I'm not saying that's what I'm saying. But that's a ridiculous thing to say, isn't it? Well, no, it's just what I think, I'm not saying that, that's, like, facts or anything. I'm just thinking, if you're blind, why mess about? You're still basing on it if it's only Lux, that you, people find what?

Yeah, I'm just saying, so why is a blind person isn't basing anything on looks. I just, alright, I mean maybe that's not, I mean more like... Do you want to cross it out? Should I cross it out? Because he follows? It's just the same way, I think I've put how, you know, people, I've read something in a Sunday paper once with some bloke who was going out with some woman, he ended up going out with a sister who was a twin. If you're going to have a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change a change to have a change a change to have a change to have a change to have a change a change a change a change a change a change a change to have a change a change to have a change to have a change to have a change. thi. thwin. If you're going to have a change, have a change. Spoke to Ricky about trips to the moon. He was up for going just to see what the world looks like. I came up with the idea of a giant mirror on the moon that would reflect the world

back. He had a few questions, but I had the answers. Yeah, he changed the subject. I won. Right. My first question was how would you get it up there? He said, he. He th. He th. He th. He th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, th. that, tho, tho, thi. Spo' thi. Spo' thi. Spock thi. Spock thi. Spock th. Spok. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. Sped. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. S. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. I the. I the. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thoooooooo. Sot. Sote. Sot. subject, I won. Right. My first question was how would you get it up there? He said bit by bit. That would be a good mirror then, won't it? I said, how big would it be? He went, you'd still need a telescope. I said, how would you get it on the right side of the moon always facing the right, he went, what? He went, does the moon? I went, yes. And if we don't like the mirror on the moon, we can always war paper over it. Ha ha ha ha ha! It's Suzanne's birthday tomorrow, so I've got to get her something. I sometimes think it would be best if we didn't celebrate birthdays. I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were.

Age puts restrictions on things. She she she she she she she she she she she she s she s she s she s she s she s she s she s she s she s she said s she said s s s s s s s s. know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things. She said something about wanting one of them posh badges to put on her coat. I will look for one later. I know the fact that around the time that you've got to buy Suzanne her birthday present, you think that birthday presents are a bad idea. Got up early at Suzanne's birthday, gave her the card, present. She was well happy with her posh badge. She wore it to work. It's quite nice, quite nice to hear a moment where she was actually happy for once, in your company. They always say when you get someone a present you should buy them something they wouldn't buy themselves.

Daffed rule. I want something I would buy myself if I had the money. When I was young, me Auntie Nora gott got th the present the present the present the present th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the to Looked at what's been going on in the world. Someone has found some people who live in an old town somewhere where they are so old-fashioned, they still walk on all fours. There is a picture of them and they use shoes on their hands. That's not old-fashioned. Why is that old-fashioned? That's some kind of regressive evolution.

Yeah. Really old-fashioned. Why is that old-fashioned? That's some kind of regressive evolution. Yeah, really old-fashioned. Yeah. It's not true is it? It is true. It's somewhere in... Well I believe they have found a group people that are living and walking around on all fours but I don't believe they're wearing shoes on their heads. And I don't believe it's they haven't't seen other people walking on two feet. Don't talk shit all your life. That's all it's about though, isn't it? You copy. When you're a baby, if you were stuck in a room, you'd wander about on all fours because that's the way, that's an easy way of getting about.

So you only walk on two feet, because you only walk on two feet. their to know there's a forthcoming documentary on the BBC so maybe we should watch that and then we'll all know what's going on. Instead of just leaping to conclusions because you read half of it on the internet and then skipped on to something else. But all I'm saying is though you would wear shoes on their hands. So you just confess there that you leapt from fact to fiction did you in the space of one diary entry? It's just that, I saw a little picture. And you assumed that they'd be wearing shoes on their feet? If they got shoes on the feet, they might as them on their hands because their hands are doing the same as the feet. If you're not going to wear them on your hands, don't put them on your feet then. I'm beginning to thin. I to to to the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thin. I'm throwne. I'm throwne. I'm thoomoomoomoomoomoomoomorrow. I've their shoes. I've thoomoomoomoomoom. thoomoom. I've their shoes. their shoes. their shoes. I've their shoes. their shoes. their shoes. their shoes. their shoes. their shoes. their shoes. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've their. I've thrown. I've. I've throwne. I've throwne. I've their. I've teaa. I've tea. I've tea. I've tea. I've tea. I've tea. I've tea. I've tea. I've tea. I've her a curry from the shop opposite. While I waited for the food, I read a story in the Metro newspaper about an alien gang that kept appearing in someone's garden. The bloke moved, but when he used to pass the house

at night, he would still see the aliens knocking about, hiding underneath his old shed. There was other alien stuff, but I had to go as the food was ready. Brilliant. Yeah, a load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load load. tholk. tholk. th. tho' th. th. tho' thiolk. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho' tho' tho' tho' tho' tho'. Brilliant. Yeah, a load of bollocks again. Well good. More drivel from Carl's diary next week. Right, rockbusters, quick. Right then, so last week gave you some initials again of artists or a band. Quick. Cryptic clue and that. Yeah. The first one I gave you. The initials were N. D. Yeah that Jamaican fella, he doesn't want anything, right? So you gotta think about the accent there. He doesn't want anything, so so he's not, it's not sort of demanding anything. Okay. No, no sort of demand, nil demand. NILDAMDAND. So it's like Neil Diamond. They'd say Neil Diamond. No, no. We have some

Neil Diamond. No, like NIL Demand. But just now it was all to do with I've got no demands. Now it's a Jamaican person going in and asking for Neil Diamond in a Jamaican voice. Yeah, I know, but it's a cryptic clue, doesn't work. The second one was the initial was E. I asked him to pass me the ball by using the red. What do you do if you took someone a ball? They head it back. They head it back. So you'd say editors, editors, editors, that's that's editors. What is it? It's a band? It's a band called the editors but there's no the editors. So the editors. So the editors. Ed editors. Ed editors. Ed editors. Ed editors. Ed. Ed. Ed. Ed. So th. Ed. Ed. So that. that is that is that is that is that is th. th. th. the edit. the edit. the edit. the edit. the edit. the edit. the edit. So you'd the edit. the edit. So you'd the edit. So you'd the e. So you'd to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. I. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E? It's a band that I don't know. No, no, there's a band called The Editors, but there's no band. Editors, what's that? Is it a Greek band? Again, cryptic. Just, you got a thin' bollocks. Then the last one, uh, TR with it was the initials. Yeah. The cryptic clue, he's got the woolly ones, but I've got the ones the ones the ones that, the ones that, th. that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the ones, is the ones, is the ones, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is thi, is it's their, is it's their, is it's their, is it is it is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is their, is th. Is it, is th. Is it, is th. Is it, is th. Is it, is th. Is it, is th. Is it, is th. Is it, is their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their the the, ep, something to do with sheep. Right, something to do with sheep. They're the woolly ones. Yeah. What are the ones that run and charge at you? Oh, are they're woolly? The ram's. No, not as woolly, the ram's, right? Right, right? Right, right. Right, the ram ones. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's not right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. It's. It's. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. It. It. It. It's. It. It. It's. It. It's. It. It. It. It's. It. It's. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the. It's the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the ones. the ones. No, but it's so you say it, isn't it? It's not, because it's not. No, no, it sort of changes about a bit, just cryptic.

Mark, but you're understanding of the word cryptic is it can be anything? What am I thinking, cryptic? Cryptic clues in the crossword, have a logic to them. That's why people are able to answer them. Well done to Neil Fenon, who's in Canada. Well, I've that's that's that's that's the nice. Well, I the nice. Well, I their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their s bololossed. It's their their their their their their sundic. It's their their their their their their cry. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their. It's their is their c. It's their their their c. It's their c. It's their c. It's their c. It's their c. It's their c. It's their c. It's their c. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. It can just get it over with. We've got to stop this. Monkey News is coming back. No, it's not coming back. There's nothing going on. We're not doing it. Right. S. C. The initials of the artist of the band. Go on. S. C. The cryptic clue. Just stop saying cryptic because it's not. The clue is I went into the restaurant on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and Friday and the fella the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the a the a the a the a the a the a the the the the the the the the the the the the a a a a a a a a a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a the a thauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauauaua.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.a.aaaaaaaaaa a the a the fellow making the food was there each time. Right? S.C are the initials. I went into the restaurant on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday if you want, Saturday and Sunday if you want, Saturday and Sunday, if you want, Saturday and Sunday if you want. The fellow making the food, he was there the, the other try to worry it up. And the second one, go into the the the the, was was was was was was was was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was he, was, was he, was he, was he, was he, was he, was he, was he, was he. Was, was he. Was, was he. Was, was he. Was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was he. Was he. Was he. Was he? Was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was?? Was. Was. Was. Was. Was. Was. Was. Was. Was. Was. Was? Was. Was. Was? Was. Was. Was? Was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was, was? Was. Was. Was, was there. Was it. Was it. Was it. Was it. Was it. Was it. Was he? Was he? Was he? Was he. Was he there there there there there, was the. Was he the S, was he the S. Was he there there, was he the the the S. Was he. Was he? Was he? Was he? Was he? Was he. this is like pulling teeth. I try to worry it up and the second one go into that woman's store and rip her off, right? That's C. Okay. See, go into that woman's store and rip her off. Okay. If you're gonna do that. Oh don't mumble at the end of it. Go on. Just do the clue. And the last one, the initial E. Last one ever had a the the one, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. That's, that's, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's, that's. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. C. That's that's that's that's that's that's that's C. C. C. C. C. That's down a track, but it ain't perfect, right?

So you're sort of making a track. No, just do the clue. You're making a track. You're doing it down, but it ain't perfect. Right, the initial is E. What's the clue? You have had a go at laying down the track, but it ain't perfect. Fine. A music trick? Yeah. Well, no. their music true. the. the. tr. the. the. tr. the music. the music. the music. the music. the music. the music. the music. the music. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the true. true. true. true. the the the the the the the the the tr. the the the tr. true. the the the the the the true. the the true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. tr. true. tr. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. Music. tr. tr. tr. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. true. the the the true. the the the the the the the true. the tr no, no, no, you can't, no, these people can't ask questions. Well I can. Oh God. Send them in, podcast at Ricky Jovey. dot com. Right, that's the end of another Ricky Javeh show. Oh thank God for that. Another one next week, we've got to give value for money because this is so, we've got to, what we do is, because this is this is this is this is th is th is th is thi is thi is thi is thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thr, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, thin, thin, the, thr-a, thr-a'''''''''a''a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a'a, thr-nit, got to, what we do is, because this is such dreadful bollocks, we're giving more of it. That's each of them. Yeah.

So it's Cheerio from me, Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, and Carl Pilkington. Bye. Bye. Bye.