The Ricky Gervais Show / An Idiot Abroad - Guardian S3E1 (August 22, 2006)

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Series three of the podcasts was released on 22 August 2006. This season saw the return of Karl's Diary as well as a new feature based on Karl's attempts at Poetry. Pilkington was noticeably lethargic during this 6-episode series, having been in and out of the hospital with kidney stones and subsequent complications. This was a major focus of his diary entries during this period with Gervais and Merchant ridiculing him for his histrionics over what they noted was a minor, routine operation.All other known features were abandoned, with the rest of each episode focusing instead on conversation. The season had the same pricing implementation as season two, although the file quality was increased from 32 kbit/s to 56 kbit/s.At the end of the sixth episode, Gervais and Merchant agreed to put the show on an indefinite hiatus.

Hello and welcome back to the first in the third series of the Ricky Javay show with me Ricky Javais, Stephen Merchant, Hello there and the full the round-headed buffoon that is Carl Pilkington. All right. We've been away filming our second series of extras and leaving Carl to his own devices in a sweltering London. About a heat wave here in the capital city, haven't we, Carl? It's been up to 100 degrees, record-breaking temperatures. Yeah. What you've been doing though?

Uh, sort of enjoyed it a little bit, was out and about. Getting to see the place, having loads of walks, and that I like to have walks, you know, watching what people like a dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thoom. th. to to thi. thi- to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. thea. thea. the the the the the thea. the thea. thea. tooooooooooooooooooooo. to like to have walks, you know, watching what people are like. Like a dog. Yeah! When he jumps off the couch and starts scratching against the door, Suzanne thinks it's time to go ahead. It's just good thinking time though, isn't it?

As well having a walk. You've got no other clutter going on around you. And you just think, a lot of insects knocking about. So I've just been watching them. So while we've been filming a TV show, you've been watching insects? Yeah, just seeing, because everybody knows insects are out there, but no one's keeping an eye on them. What are they up to? What are you worried about? Steve, you won't be laughing like that if you'd watch them?

Because they do some weird stuff and that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's them because they do some weird stuff and that is what I mean. What sort of stuff? Any examples? Uh, I saw a B have a heart attack. You saw a B have a heart attack. How are you sure it was a heart attack? Because what happened, I've been... did it clutch its chest with all six legs? No, I'd sort of...I've just been out in the park anyway just looking at, you know, catapapapapapapipipipipipipipipipip-a, I, I, I've their their their their their their their their thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thi, I've thirty, uh, uh, uh, uh, what, what, what, what, what, what, uh, uh, uh, what, what, what, what, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th. other little bee paramedics. No, no, I've just been out in the park anyway, just looking at, you know, caterpillars, knocking about butterflies and stuff. So I was sort of looking at the wetsu, so I went since it goes, Carl, don't

you waste the day just because you don't work at the radio station anymore. I want you to do some constructive stuff. You go, yeah I am, yeah I am, yeah. And so. And so. And so. And so. And so. And so. And so. And so. And so. And so, so. And so, so, so, so, so. And so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so I's. So, so, so I was. So, so, so, so, so, so, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, so. So, the. So, I. So, I. So, I. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. theh! And he goes out and there's a mouth. But the thing is so I've been in the park and I was aware of the insects that are around us more than like most of the time. I come out of the park just crossing like a sort of a busy road and what have you? And I saw this bee to the right of me sort of in the air and it was a big one and I was a bit like, oh let's watch that. And he just fell. It fell from the air in front of me and it was on the pavement. I thought, oh what's going on here? And I looked at it for a bit and it was really still, gave it a little kick just to see if there was any movement, nothing movement Stone, sort of, what's the saying, Stone Cold

dead? Yeah! Stone cold, B dead. So, uh, that was... The fact that this B suddenly saw Carl and had a heart attack. It'd never seen anything that round before. It just thought, it had approached him because he thought it was a sunflower. My God, it's a giant walking orange. Every dream has come to... Ah! No, but it just summed up life for me. I thought that's like us, isn't it, at the end of day. Do you have heart attacks?

Stress. Even if you put it down to stress, do you? Well, but you see in London, isn't it? Everything has stresses from living here. and they are bald aren't they? They've got fur all over but they lose the... And always overweight. It was a fat bald bee! Oh! So what did you, it fell to the floor and you instantly, you just kicked it, you didn't attempt to revive it. No, I waited a second and just looked at it to see if there was any, you know, leg movement or wing and there was nothing and then when I sort of kicked it, it was sort of hard, it had hardened already. It's just the rig of mortis the team. To put you in a bad mood for the day because I know things like that can just send you

over the edge for the day. Death and that does a bit, so whose thin doesn't like me talking about death. What riveting conversations do you come up with? No, just things like one of our mates has had a baby recently and I've th. And I th. And I th. And I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th the just just just had just had just had just had just had just had just had just had just had the thease the thate the thease to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th the the the the the the the the the the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea theeeeeeea theeeeeea to to the the the th sort of our age will nearly be dead. Think of that. That's the first thing he says is a new life brought into the world. I know. But when he's our age, we'll be dead. Yeah. Maybe they let you do the speech at the christening. Yeah it's just you know so like I say just just insect life and that it's interesting. You say it's interesting but do you care about really finding out about them. Do you really care about what bees do or what has you? You look at them and you make up your own world. For example, it had a heart attack, it's stress, it's overweight, you know nothing. I could probably, won't you look something up, you know, honeybees are fascinating. You know, honeybees, they've been around making honey honey for a hundred million years. It's incredible. Their wings beat over 11,000 times a minute.

And he's thinking no wonder it had a heart attack. Exactly. But they're fact, do you know, do you know, um, bees, like ants are actually like specialized wasps? They're sort of, they're sort of developed from the same family. Huh? Family, like, well yeah, yeah. It doesn't surprise me. Doesn't surprise you know. Does it interest you in any way? Um, well everything's linked to something and it's like how they say we're from monkeys and that. Yeah. It's all the same sort of thing. Yeah. Well yeah I've been watching loads of stuff. I've been watching ants, you mentioned ants. Uh,

I've had a lot of moths in the house. They're sort of... You say it was a garden party? No, it's just all these things. You look at them, I mean, you go into the scientific bit saying, you know, it likes honey or whatever. It doesn't like honey. The reason they store honey is to get them through the winter when there's not like nectar or nectar's hard to get in, they store it and they store too much, which is why we can't we can't we we can't we we can't we we we we we can't we can't th we can't th th th th th th th the the the the that that that, which is why we can't thathea thathea thathea thathea their thatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheatheat, th. th. that, that, their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that that that that that that, that, that, that, th get and they store it and they store too much which is why we can skim a little bit off the top. We're like agents. Yeah well but all I'm saying is I look at more about what its life is like as a personal. Well you don't you don't you guess you make it up. You don't look into it at all. No but you can't a bit of guesswork is pretty close to the truth. Why what you can't? A bit a bit a the guess a th of a th of a th of a th of a th of a tha thathe thu. A bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of guess a bit of guess a bit of guess a bit of guess a bit of guess a bit a bit a bit a bit of guess work of guess work thi. A bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a bit a that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. A thi. A thi. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. A th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. that. that. that's that. that's that. that. that's that's that's that. that's that's that's that. that's that. that. that. thi. thi. of the time. What do you mean the way that statement sums you up? A bit of guesswork is pretty close to the truth. Because if you watch something long enough is what I'm saying.

You can see that it's a bit clueless. It's the same way about ants or you know the hard workers and all that I watch one. It's going back and forth all the time. They go one way and they stop and they go the the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way the way they're go their their their their. th. th. their. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho. th. th. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to's to's watch. try. try. to. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It's. It's to. It's watch one long enough it's back and forwards and it's like it's done nothing there I'm gonna carry this twig back and forth until like a knock off at four there's a lot of that going on is there? Because there's not there's no there's no like to say the moth depressing little sort of thing why is it depressing why is it just just the way I'm got eyes is it just look at it hasn't it I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I don't they I I don't they I don't they I don't they I don't they they they they they they they they they they don't they they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't they don't th they don't they don't they don't they don't they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they don't they don't they they don't they don't th th th th thi thi thi thi the the thi the thi thi thi the thi thi eyes, is it? Just look at it, it hasn't he doesn't know what's going on. I just don't think, if you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't

have wings. That's a rule, if you haven't got eyes, you shouldn't have wings. That's a rule, if we can put that into practice please. That's a great rule. That's a fantastic rule, isn't it? Yeah. He haven't got eyes and you shouldn't have win. It's certainly true of people thinking of becoming an air pilot. You know, whilst you've been working on that, I've been travelling about a bit, just seeing... I've been... The Country and that.

Went to, um, Dorset, right? Nice beach there. And do you know those huts you get, like a hut on the beach and you get changed? You can get changed. But they're better than that. It's like you can put a telly in it, a sofa if you want. Oh, you don't mean the Victorian changing that. Yeah, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th, th, their, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. that, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Nice, th. th. Nice, th. Nice, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. A, to, that, to, that, to, that, that, that, thi. A. And, thi. Nice, th. Nice, th. Nice,the Victorian changing match, do you mean like... It's sort of bigger than that. Yeah.

And we're walking down there and it was a really sort of big fat family in one of them. There's about four of them. And you could tell that they've never had a game of anything. Do you know what I mean? They just sit down there, eating ice cream, looking at the weird thing is the little fat kid, the youngest one who must have been I don't know about eight. He was really fat to the point of you couldn't see his neck. And he sat he sat at the front of his mom and dad and his older sister. He sat there and he had a Frisbee and I thought look they don't want to play with him. I mean that's that's an active game to play in it Frisbee. As a as theirin-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-in-inter, the the the the the the the the the the the the to-up, you couldn't-y, you couldn't-you-you-you-you-you you couldn't the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their, you you you you you you you you you you you you you you theirc-niiiiiiiiii-niii-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-ni-n'-n'-cunct to-cunct th-cunct th-cunct to-y cc, you couldn't-y ccunct to-y cune, you couldn't thcunct thcunct, it was just using it to eat Malteseas out of. I just felt even again, you know, the one active thing is got is using it to eat out of.

Yeah, extraordinary. And that just sums up what people are like when it comes to keeping fit and activities. Oh, that's fantastic. Were you sporty Rick? I was, yeah, I loved it, absolutely loved it. Were you good at it? I was good at some things, was never good at rugby, never good at cricket, it was all right of football, but those things were the more competitive things that were scary. So at my school, when you're surrounded by like people who are the funniest hurting someone. Well it's weird you said, because I remember the first day I went to play cricket my mom said as I was leaving I was really excited about playing cricket she went be careful I was walking across a playing field once a cricket cricket I was trackle. I was walking their trackle.

Freak me out. I waite. I wa. I wa I had to play rugby for the first time as I was leaving there she went, be careful with rugby, I knew a kid once broke his back playing it. I was terrified of rugby. I was terrified of rugby. Yeah, it's a terrified. I was terrified. I mean, yeah. It's such a scary game. The ball came to me I got rid of it immediately. I remember, I remember what I remember I remember I remember I remember is is is is I remember is is I remember I remember is I remember is I remember is I remember is I remember I remember is I remember a the the the the the the the the the the the the to remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember a the the the th. I remember a th. I remember I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember I remember. I remember I remember. I remember. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a th. I remember a the the the th. I remember a the th. I remember a th. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember. I remember a the te. I remember. I remember. I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, I remember, be crippled for life. I remember thinking why are we allowed to still play this game at school? I was worried about cracking heads and a finger in the eye. How is it not bad? That worried me all the time, a finger in the eye. But they removed the asbestos from schools in the 60s and 7 years, but rugby, I know, this is about to play it, it's mental. See, I had a thia, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had, I had thia, I had thia, I had thia, I had th. I had thin, I had thin, I've, I've, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm th. I'm thrack, I'm, and thre, and thre, and thre, and thre, and thre, and th. Yeah, and th. Yeah, and th. Yeah, and th. Yeah, and a th. I, and a th. And, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, I, and I, I, I, I'm, I, I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thr, and, I'm thr, and, I'm thr. thrown. thrown, thrown, and, thr. thrown, and, thrack. thr. thrack. thr. thr. And right and when I used to say to my mom or can I'm just want to go out with Mark and his dad to play cricket and she never used to let me go she'd go I prefer you know you didn't and I used always think that you know it's because it's a dangerous sport you can get it on the head by the ball it's hard put an eye out or whatever but it was because his dad his dad used to drive us to to to to to to to to to the to to to the to the to to to the to the to the the to to to the the the the to the the the to the the the to the to to the to the to to to the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. th. the. the the the the. the the the the the. the the the. the. the the. the. the. the. the. the used to drive us to the place to play cricket and he had his

eyelids were too big so he used to have to sort of have his head right back. Look, talked about those old-fashioned dolls right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she didn't like me getting in a car with him. So yeah, his eyelids are too big So growing up, you had a woman who had a head like a bag of spuds. You had I didn't know her. No, you had two kids at school with web downs and feet and big heads. You had a pigeon chest boy. Nowadays you're walking around with insects and moths like something from James and the Giant Peach.

Yeah, and you had a bloke whose eyelids were too big. One thing I've noticed, because I occasionally go to the gym, and you know those guys who work out constantly to give themselves extraordinary physiques, just they're on the trip, they're on the weights and they're really, and I notice in the summer particularly, those guys cannot wait to get their shirts off. Yeah. Every where you see they're they're. I. I. I. I. I. I. they're their. they're they're their. their. their. their. they're their. their. th. their. thi. their. thi. thi. tho. tho. their. they're they're work. their work. their. they're they're they're they're they're their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. theat. theat. theat. theats. to. toea. toea. toea. thea. thea. thea. theats. thea. thooooooeso, they are walking shirts off. Even I think if you go to nightclubs, I know it says always one guy who's thinking, well I have put so much work into this body, I have got to get my shirt off on the dance floor. A best yeah.

You know, it's come straight off. A brand new ta. Exactly. I've paid a lot. We've got to a point in science now that you can change your head. No, well that doesn't make any sense at all. It was a programmer and it was done in the 50s or 60s where they stuck a monkey's brain on a stick and had it wired up and it still worked, right? Right, okay. And that was in like the 60s or whatever. Well, to say the change your head makes no sense at all, because if you put a different head on a different body, you're changing the body.

Yeah, I know, well that's what I'm about to say to you though. What? That I'd be more confident if I had someone else's body. Because if anyone dissed it, I can go, I know, it's bad in it. But it's not bad. What, it's like, say, um... As opposed to someone else's head? Yeah. Well, well, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the head, that's the head, that's that's that's that's the head, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the th. the the their. th. the the th. the the the. the thi. thi. that's what. that's what I's what I's what I's what I's not that's not. that's As opposed to someone else's head? Yeah. Well, it would it?

The head is me. Well, of course it is. That's what I mean. So what do you mean? You'd be happy having someone else's body. What then your own? What I mean is, say if you're wondering about, for some, for some reason, there's for some reason there's an incident. you have to take your top off and that and everyone's looking at you right and you're a bit sort of you know you haven't got the muscles and that you

haven't got the six pack right which isn't that nice anyway I don't know why that's become a nice thing really seeing the insides of you you might well I mean I not came up with the see, no, it's the muscle in front of the... No, it's not. It's not. It's not the outline of your organs. No, you can't see tubes. You can see tubes and veins and stuff. Yeah, well I don't want to see that. That's why we've got skin over it. It's what I mean? is, say for some incident happened, I'm walking about with my top off. Right. Girls are laughing at me, right? Why? Denali might. Yeah, go on. So wouldn't look at your body, they'd all look at your head.

So what I mean is, rewind that, right, and imagine all that happens again, but I've got someone else's body. Right, whose body? Just some fella who's died and my body was injured and they said, we've got a new body in. You can have it, we'll stick your head on it. Yes. Now say if... They're laughing at you. They're laughing at the body. But at least I'd be able to sort of go, I know it's a mess, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, the, tho, tho, tho, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, tho, tho, thoooooooooooooooo' thooooooooooooooo' their, their, their, their, their, their, their, they're laughing at the body. But at least I'd be able to sort of go, I know it's a mess, but it's not mine. At least I don't have to claim ownership. So all of this extraordinary technology that can make a head, put one head on another person's body's so you can go, yeah, it's not my body. But, but, but look down, lovely penis

in a set of testicles. Yeah. Right? What do you do with them? What do you mean? What am I doing with them? Well, do you like them? Well, you wouldn't mess about with them as much as if they were your own. But if you did mess about them, would you feel guilty that you were messing about with another man's testicles and penis? And it's the full body? Yeah. No, because they're not my hands either. You're a genius! You're a fucking genius! So what you're doing is watching someone else wank?

Yeah. P. Yeah. Well, one thing Carl has been doing over the past few months is writing his diary, he's kept that up. I don't know what he's had to write about. All he's been doing is looking at moths and ants and bees and going for walks, but I'm sure it's all in the diary.

So let's have a look at that. Oh, I don't believe he's under going to write it down the... We went to the park and out the br br br br br br out a the br out a the br out a the br br br out a the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the park and out of brew. Suzanne read the paper while I played with a ladybird. I mean it's like a child, isn't it? It's like what a child was doing. Suzanne read the paper while I played with the ladybird. His only friend is a beetle. It climbed up my arm.

It struggled on my arm. It struggled on me hairs. This is in detail then! Yeah, yeah, yeah. It kept stopping every now and then and was rubbing its head with its right arm. It did it about four times and always used its right arm. It rested for about five minutes, then flew off. Sunday, had a bit of a to-do with Suzanne because she wanted a lion today.

I ate this. Once you're away, you should get up. I got up and put the radio on really loud. She eventually got up. I told her insects don't have lions, so we shouldn't. I don't want to keep going on about them because we're a bit insect-heavy. I mean, you must be fucking unbearable to live with. But at the end- the the the the the the the the the the the the the the of the of the of the of the of the of the of the the the the the the the the the the the. I the. I've the' the' the' the' the' the' the' the' the. I' the. I' the. I' the. I' the. I' the. I' the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I the. I've to to to to to to toean. I've toean. I've toean. I've toean. I've toean. I've thean. I've thea' the. I've just started, because I've watched insects a lot, I don't want to keep going on about them because we're a bit insect heavy. But at the end of the day, if we copied insects, we wouldn't go far wrong. I don't know what you mean, no. One minute you're saying they're great, then the next minute you'll slag them off. Yeah, I'll slagg some of them off if if if if if if if if if if I they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they're they're they're th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thoged. theree. thoged. the. thoged. theree. theree. theree. theree. they're they're they're they're they're doing but because I've studied them a bit longer I just think they do it right. You haven't studied them

though. He thinks he's like Darwin but you just slagged them off again no you think people that insects are doing stuff they're not it goes there and it goes back again. The aunt was messing about but only that one the others were carrying stuff that's what I'm saying. Theing they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they th saying they they th saying th saying they's saying they's saying th. T's saying th. T's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's they's they's they's they's they's they's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th but th th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's th's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's thi's they they's they's they, you get a hierarchy. Oh, long words. Ooh. The bookshelf was dusty, so Suzanne asked me to dust it if I get a minute. I ended up looking at every book. Just the spine. Just for a few seconds each.

Yeah, didn't open them. I looked in the dictionary to see if the word dictionary would be in the dictionary. I didn't think they would bother with it being on the front page, but it was in the book as well. It's a good point now, isn't it? It's not a good point, because you didn't tell us anything. Dictionary is in the dictionary. Well, of course it is. Why? If you go, how th. If you go, if you go, if you go, if you go, if you go, if you go, if you go, if you go, if you go, how, the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tho, tho, thi, thi, tho, tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. thooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. It's th. It's thooo. It's th. It's th. DIC to see you know what does what does Dixm mean it's a book for the words isn't it that's what it means all books are full of words

you idiot how to spell them and if you don't know what it's not how to spell them all right then well I'll just look at something no no it's not a book for the words to tell us but the meanings are. But if you didn't know that... Well, sorry, what was that sentence? Yeah, but what I'm saying is if you didn't know that, then you wouldn't be looking in it because you wouldn't be looking at the book is about that. So if you don't know the word dictionary, you'd be looking at an A-to-Z. Yeah, I'm not the thr. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Because. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. Why. But? the. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, what I. What. What. the. What. What. What, what I, what I, what I, what I, what I, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, that?. What. What. What. What. What. What?. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What. What? the. What? the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the so many words in the world, I would have thought they wanted to cram as much as they can on a page and if dictionary is already on the front. Is that why you suddenly used the word hierarchy for the first time ever? Did you find that in there? Did you look, did you see hierarchy in the dictionary? I feel that that big word is pushed out about 26 other useful ones? Yeah, well, Suzanne's been going on about me. th. th. think your brain has only got so

much room on it and the rest of it's filled with lard so if I've got to learn everything I know again but in a different language it's taking up space in it you don't learn everything oh god it's all storage in it but you don't have to learn it again you don't have to learn the concepts again. You're merely learning vocabulary. Do you know how many moves there are in the human brain? Really? You don't worry, you won't use them all up. I feel that he has reached his capacity though.

Yeah, well you need another sort of, you need an update. You need some more memory. I woke up to some interesting news. It's good when this happens because it sets me up for the day ahead. If it's miserable news, it affects my day. It said on the news that they have found two new flies. Fucking owl insects! What have you done? Is that all you've done this summer? Bong?

Probably the Middle East. Bongong the UK and they were found close to each other. Maybe this happened because they were different than the other flies and weren't expected to hang about together, so that's why they knocked about with each other. That would happen, won't it? What do you mean? There's two new flies? Does it mean they're two new flies that are different species?

Yeah, but they didn't mean th didn't mean they didn't mean they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they didn't they they they they they they they they they they the the two new flies that are different species. Yeah two new species and they found them close to each other right. Yeah but they didn't mean there was one of each. No yeah yeah they did they found two different ones. No they have seriously I know, say that's orange. This is just... B. This is painful. This is painful. This is painful. No, that's just making it easy for you. But fly B works a little hat. Right, yeah, fine. Now, they found the orange one, I went look at this over here. This is a bit weird. And they've got a new species. the other one went, oh, oh, th. th. th. th. th. th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's they they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they's they're they're they're they're they're they're they're their. they're they're their. th. th. they're tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It. It's. It. It. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's the th. It's the th. It's the. It's the. It's just just just just. thee. It's just just just thee. It's just just just just the. It's just just just the. It's just just just just. It's just. species, log it, whatever. And then the other one went, oh, keep your pen handy. Look at this one, it's got at on.

So then they found them both within the same distance. I don't know what that sent is the same distance. They found them both within the same distance. But we're not interrupting him, let him finish this point. Let me just make thi tha tha tha tha, tho tho tho tho tho tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, they're they've they've they've they've they've they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they they they they, they they they they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're tho, tho, tho, tho. tho. tho. they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they're they've they've they've they've they're they're they're they're this point. Let me just make one thing clear. Carl Pilken just said they found them both within the same distance. Think of that! Don't know what it means, but go on, let them finish this point. So, what I mean is, they weren't knocking about with other normal house flies because they were probably sort of going, oh he's a bit weird, leave it. Yet because the other one was also odd, they're hanging about with each other.

Don't you understand that? Why is that such an odd concept? Because you think of it as like two little new kids in school? They find out, they're both goths, so they start hanging out together. And this was on the news, was it? Yeah, just on the radio, yeah. I know if I looked into that story. It would be 90% wrong. Bit tired let it go because Suzanne wanted

to go to sleep. Looked up some interesting news. Some people dug up an old body in Ireland. Turns out it's well old and was here when dinosaurs were here then. The really weird bit is it had hair gel in its hair. Right, what is it? Fella. Well, no, it wasn't around where dinosaurs were then.

Just a bit after. Right, fine. A lot after, yeah, go on. I think any hominid, anything that could even be linked to anything that may become man is only about a million years old and I think Homo sapien is probably only about 150,000 years old. Dinosaurs are about 150 million to 250 million. Yeah, yeah, no, it's not the age bit, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, they. 50 million to 250 million. Yeah, yeah, no, it's not the age bit, that's amazing. It's the fact of, there's a fella, won't have even had shoes on his feet. Right. And yet he was worried about his air style.

Right, well that's definitely not true either. This is unbelievable. Well, there was a man on the radio doing poetry, says Carl in his diary. I thought I'd have a go at doing a poem about to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the poem a poem a go at doing a poem about today. Not really. He had to see, I'm a little bit of queasy. He hasn't really written a poem. He's written a small poem? No he hasn't really. Yes. If Moths had eyes...

Let me read the poem, okay. Okay. If moths had eyes, would they be happier? How do they know they're not dead? Cave men hunting for food, but not before they style the hair on their head. What would last longer in dinosaur times? A blind man didn't stand a chance. Not with all them rocks about. I'd rather be a blind moth.

It may be the greatest poem, no ever written. Just, you know, dissecting it briefly, you attempt to rhyme in the first four lines but abandon the rhyming system in the last three is there a creative to speak of that? Can we have Carl read that by the means just just you read it as you would like to so this is imagine this right okay this is going out all over the world this this podcast and now I'm Carl Pilgden a new poet from Manchester Now living in London England would like to read the the the the the to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the to to the to the to the to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. I the the the thean. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. th. I thean. I thean. I thean. I theannenenenea. I theannea. Ia.a.a. Ia.a. thea.a. thea. thea. theannea. theannea. thean now I'm Carl Pilgden, a new poet from Manchester now living in London England would like to read her a poem. If moths had eyes would they be happier? How do they know they're not dead?

Cave men hunting for food but not before they style the air on their head. What would last longer in dinosaur times? A blind man didn't stand a chance. Not with all them rocks about. I'd rather be a blind moth. He said it as though the last one was going to rhyme. Oh God! It's amazing! It's amazing! I think he feels as though the final line, I'd rather be a blind moth. It's going to be one of those great, you know, a summation. That somehow the moth is a metaphor, the caveman. There's no metaphor in that. He really just means he'd rather be a blind moth. Yeah, well I'm just because I've locked up the day's news. Can we always do that, Carl?

Can we always find a day, right, and always sum it up in your thoughts a poem? Just like that. I love that structure. I love that structure. If there's any English students or professors or novelists or poets listening, please email us what I thought of that poem, why it's good, why it's bad. So, you know, give us your thoughts on that. I mean, we would love expert opinion, poet, English professors. Just email us at podcast at Ricky Joveys.com. Now, Carl, apart from being a poet, you are an author now. You have, you've written a book, you know, which surprised me and Steve

because as Steve said, we thought you'd read a book before you actually wrote one, but you've proved us wrong. And all your teachers wrong, and everyone in the world who thinks you're an idiot. It is actually a very good book. I mean, a lot of it is transcripts from, you know, the podcasts. But you've answered some of your critics, and you've, their, th. th. th. It's, th. th. It's, th. It's, th. th. It's, th. th. th. th. th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, thr. It's, thr-a. thr-a. thoueea. th. th. thouea. th. th. thea. the. you've you've tried to prove some of your theories it's everything about car it is it is like all the drawings all the drawings there's new stories isn't there I mean there's so much effort I can't believe it's been working on it for months and it's out on the 18th September but you can order it now can you on Amazon dot call it's called the world of Carl Pilkington.

Well, thanks very much. Goodbye for me, Ricky Javais. Goodbye from Stephen Merchant. Goodbye. And goodbye from the little hollow egg-headed moron that is Carl Pilkington. All right.