The Scathing Atheist - 502: Train of Thoughtless Edition

Episode Date: September 29, 2022

In this week’s episode, Indiana fails to get the moral high ground on Satan, Matt Walsh wants to fuck a dead fish and it's one of the least offensive things about him, and Anna will be here to help us condemn cartoon animals to eternal damnation. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ To hear more from our intrepid audio engineer Morgan Clarke, click here: https://www.morganclarkemusic.com/ --- References: Here’s the video we’re talking about in God Awful Music:  https://youtu.be/qBE5Z1bXd6Y And here’s the op-ed we’re talking about in the Diatribe: https://www.christianpost.com/voices/3-reasons-to-not-ask-god-for-a-sign.html Headlines: Satanic Temple sues Indiana over abortion ban: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/satanists-say-indiana-abortion-ban-violates-their-religious-freedom/ Orthodox Church leader says Russian soldiers dying in Ukraine will be cleansed of sin https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/orthodox-church-leader-says-russian-soldiers-dying-ukraine-will-be-cleansed-sin-2022-09-26/ Pastor Greg Locke whines after ‘Shadowland’ filmmaker quotes him accurately: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/pastor-greg-locke-whines-after-shadowland-filmmaker-quotes-him-accurately/ Louisiana students were tricked into going to church instead of a college fair: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/louisiana-students-day-of-hope-church-college-fair/ David Barton (falsely) claims that New Jersey students used to have to memorize bible passages in public schools: https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/david-bartons-history-simply-cannot-be-trusted/ ‘Christians Against the Little Mermaid’ Facebook Group Protests Casting of Black Actress: https://churchleaders.com/news/434185-christians-against-the-little-mermaid-facebook-group.html/2 Daily Wire's Matt Walsh fighting The Little Mermaid, plans to race swap Malcolm X in new film: https://insidethemagic.net/2022/09/daily-wires-matt-walsh-little-mermaid-malcom-x-jc1/ --- This Week in Misogyny: Girl kicked out of Christian school for refusing to give them photos of her in a bathtub: https://onlysky.media/hemant-mehta/girl-kicked-out-of-victory-christian-academy-bathtub-homework/ PA bans books series about girls who code: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/sep/26/pennsylvania-book-ban-girls-who-code

Warning, if you don't like profanity, I'm going to need you to go ahead and bring out your fainting couch, lie down on it, and get fucked. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock and by My Willingness to Work All Day on My Wife's Birthday. Working all day on my wife's birthday. You're lucky she likes y'all so much. Seriously. She's got a fucking hammer. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hola, Scatheists. This is Kevin, checking in from the People's Republic of Austin. Just wanted to let you know that, despite all the bad things you hear in the news, there's good people in Texas who know that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.

Peace out, y'all. It's Thursday. Damn right, Heath's back. It's Thursday. Damn right, Heath's back. It's September 29th. And it's Confucius Day. Because it takes many nails to build a crib. But only one screw to fill it. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from Chris Rocks, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Indiana fails to get the moral high ground on Satan. Matt Walsh wants to fuck a dead fish, and it's one of the least offensive things about him. And Anna will be here to help us condemn cartoon animals to eternal damnation. But first, the diatribe. I mean, I guess the headline could have included the words, but I swear we're not lying. Shy of that, though, it's hard to imagine a bigger admission of guilt.

See, a big part of my job is consuming Christian media. I mean, we watch their movies, listen to their music, read their books, watch their TV shows, follow their blogs, listen to their sermons, subscribe to their newsletters, and read their news sites. And it was on that last one where I saw this amazing headline for an op-ed. Three reasons to not ask God for a sign by one Mark Ballinger. And of course, the honest answer is obviously because God doesn't exist and that fucks up our whole thing, right? Like the article might as well just be three different gifs of Tweety Bird saying,

I lose more Christians that way. But don't worry, this op-ed has no intention of being honest. So before he even gets to the bullet points the author shifts the blame it's not that he doesn't want you to ask god for a sign right it's not like his job depends on you just continuing to accept this bullshit instead he offers up three reasons that god doesn't want you to pray for a sign and then he launches into his three reasons which amount to one you'd probably fuck it up two you'd be too stupid to know even if he did and three you don't deserve a sign you miserable piece of shit now obviously i'm paraphrasing a bit here but that is the gist of what the dude says he starts off by distinguishing between signs of guidance right which is where you

ask god what you should do and then you listen you listen to yourself thinking and then you pretend that an all knowing magical ghost just endorsed your fucking decision. And those signs are perfectly fine to ask for. The problematic ones are the requests that are of the, oh, yeah, if you're so extant variety. See, he calls those ones supernatural signs. supernatural signs that even though he makes it clear that god totally could do those if he wanted to you're not supposed to ask him to because that would demonstrate a lack of faith because you know how like honest people don't let you ask for evidence it's like that now granted he made a list of three things and he used bold font and everything but that's the only point in the entire op-ed he dresses it up a

little bit, but for a second point, he just reiterates the same shit about not doubting God and backs it up with a few more Bible quotes this time. But he does offer an alternative here, and I think it's pretty telling. He phrases his second point as, quote, don't ask God for a sign, ask for eyes to see the signs that God is already sending, end quote. And if you think about it, the only point of this is to lower the bar so much that even a non-existent God can clear it. I mean, if you're a former believer, think about that moment. Think about that crisis of faith moment where you begged God to show you a sign that he was listening. Any sign that he existed at all. And think about how little you were willing to accept in that moment.

I mean, you weren't asking him to moon you over a mountaintop like he did for Moses' buddies, right? You'd have accepted a parting of the clouds that the sun suddenly shined through. You'd have accepted a brightly colored bird suddenly alighting on a nearby perch. You'd have accepted a strong fucking breeze. And what this dude is telling you is to ask for less. God already sent you the signs. You were just too

arrogant or prideful or dumb or whatever the fuck he's accusing you of being to see those signs. Now if you ask me, that's on God, right? I mean, if I'm in charge of designing the signage for your venue and nobody can tell what the signs mean, or indeed if they even are signs, I'm a shit sign maker and I should be fired. But the practical effect is to lower the bar from a sudden and auspicious breeze right now to a sudden breeze at any non-specific point in the past or future. It's a way of roping the whole endless scope of mundanity into the realm of acceptable answers for God. You don't need a bird to show up in that moment. The very fact that birds exist should be enough evidence

of God. And then he wraps up by pointing out that you probably don't even deserve the existence of birds. His final point is that, quote, when you pray for a supernatural sign, you are often rejecting the responsibility God has placed on you to steward the life he's given you, end quote. In other words, it's not up to God to prove his existence to you. It's up to you to prove God's existence to God. I guess. I don't know. It doesn't make any fucking sense. The point is, if you ask God for a sign and he doesn't give you one, it's because you did something wrong.

It's not because God doesn't exist or isn't capable of providing one. And it's certainly not that you're being lied to. It's because of an innate character flaw in you. With Christianity, it's always because of an innate character flaw in you. With Christianity, it's always because of an innate character flaw in you. It's not that God is lacking, it's that you are. And if you're lucky, maybe God will forgive you for him being functionally indistinguishable from non-existent. Joining me for headlines tonight are the duodenum and ilium to my jejunum heat that right in eli bosnick fellas are you ready to soak it all in it's funny you don't

look jewish but but you can learn more about eli's ilium in bleeders digest all right hi new listener eli chits blood if you're new that's a fun thing we talk about alright so yeah in case Heath was planning on elaborating

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and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's MySheetsRock.com slash scathing code scathing. All right, well, thanks, guys. I guess that means less nights spent on the blanket dance. And more time spent mourning the queen, if you know what I mean. Okay, is that a euphemism?

Also, no, he just still really misses her. The people's princess! And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the Satanic Temple has filed suit against the state of Indiana over their shiny new medieval abortion law. The law bans all abortions at all time, accepting only a threat

to the life of the mother or cases of rape and incest, and even the latter two are only permissible in the first 10 weeks of the pregnancy. Fuck. It was signed into law in August, making Indiana the first state to completely ban abortion in the wake of the dobbs decision and it went into effect on the 15th of this month which is also when the satanic temple filed a suit claiming that the law is a violation of their religious views on bodily autonomy oh okay so we're probably good then this is settled law yeah everyone has to buy playground stuff for tax-exempt religious

schools and you have to let a Satanist kill a baby if they sincerely want to kill a baby, right? So like, those, yeah, they're not going to just be hypocritical about that, right? I got to tell you guys, I don't love that our best hope for bodily autonomy is the legal version of when Michael Jordan figured out he could do cartoon

stuff in Space Jam. It doesn't feel great. Now, this isn't a new tactic, of course, and the Satanic Temple isn't the only one using it, but unlike their numerous similar suits that they filed in the past, this one adds a couple more claims in the hopes of binding legal purchase with one of them.

So, in the past, TST has sued claiming that access to abortion is central to their faith and should be given the same weight as Christian claims to religious liberty, but this time they've also added a bunch of other arguments. For example, they're arguing that the law violates a pregnant person's property rights because

it takes their uterus without offering compensation. You could rent out your uterus for surrogacy. That's profitable shit, but you can't do that if there's a state-mandated fetus already in there. Yeah, gestation is theft. what are we fucking communist of course that's the rule this is amazing republican brains are going to start

whistling steam like a cartoon kettle yeah trying to think what they have to think to get around this yeah guys guys got to be careful with these arguments around republicans before you know it 80 percent of new uterus owners are giant corporations. Reds are crazy. Boomers are blaming fetuses for killing the umbilical industry somehow. No, that's fair. They also argue that the Indiana law violates the 13th Amendment by forcing women into involuntary

servitude, and they toss a couple of 14th Amendment violations in as well, both centered around bullshit distinctions the law has to carve out for things like in vitro fertilization to make this damned law even palatable to the hyper conservatives of indiana oh oh look they stopped whistling steam that's that's unfortunate i really hope the 14th amendment argument would be a little more compelling but apparently yeah they're having trouble down right right also as if giving the finger to mike pence specifically they claim that the law

violates indiana's religious freedom restoration act you remember that one is the one that ended pence's career in indiana politics and forced him into what everyone assumed then to be a losing presidential ticket yeah i mean say what you will but mike pence definitely lost the 2016 election no that's fair he didn't have a good time vice president and look whenever we cover these stories some listeners chime in to push back against it by pointing out that the satanic temple has never and very likely will never win any of these lawsuits and and well that's almost certainly true it kind of misses the point right yes of course they won't win the point is to highlight the hypocrisy and draw attention

to these issues as their co-founder lucian grave said their legal arguments largely mirror the successful arguments that christians have used in the past and thus quote there is nothing faulty in our strategy there is something very faulty however with our courts end quote. Oh, boy. And in absolution not news, head of the Russian Orthodox Church and wannabe pope without all the modernity patriarch Kirill has a brand new benefit to

offer troops in Russia's ever more hopeless war in Ukraine. And for some war criminals, it's just in the nick of time because Papa K has officially declared that any Russian soldiers who die in the war in Ukraine will be cleansed of all their sins. Going full Valhalla. Yeah, no, it's always a good sign for your recruitment efforts when you're turning to make believe bullshit. Yeah, you might as well start promising virgins.

Yeah. up the numbers. Yeah, he might as well start promising virgins. Yeah. Speaking from his cartoonishly sci-fi villain looking church in Moscow, the Red Daddy had this to say, quote, The church realizes that if somebody, driven by a sense of duty and the need to fulfill

their oath, goes to do what their duty calls of them, and if a person dies in the performance of this duty, they have undoubtedly committed an act equivalent to sacrifice they will have sacrificed themselves for others and therefore we believe that this sacrifice washes away all the sins that person has committed end quote not adding which is damn handy because if you guys seen this stuff about the mass graves of the civilians they're fine yikes

hey really hey if your system lets people do war crimes and then go to heaven, maybe don't announce the policy ahead of time so they all know. That'd be great. Yeah, right. Fuck. Right, Jesus. Well, in fairness, it is, though, a sacrifice for others. Putin is the other.

He counts as another. He's another. He is another, yeah. And look, first of all i'm only kind of joking about the war crimes thing that is one of the motivators of this statement the other is that the russian military is undergoing a crisis of confidence rarely seen in modern history right putin's promise of 300 000 more troops prompted what can only be described as a mass exodus of military aged men from the country and politically tied as the

russian orthodox church is to the state this is yet another attempt to scrape people into the senseless invasion by any means necessary even if that means spiritual blackmail and next up in headlines we have a story about hate pastor and beard leper greg lock it's like his chin just the chin is getting chemo it's rough when he's not giving us hate crime sermons or teaching nunchuck moves to unwilling strangers in dunkin donuts parking lots he spends most of his time spreading a plague and that was the focus of lock's coverage in a new six-part documentary on peacock called shadowland the series follows the spread of conspiracy theories by idiots also known as uh most americans and the series spends a good deal of time shadowing lock and

telling his story and then greg lock got mad because they told his exact story that they shadowed it must suck when people carelessly spread a thing that might harm you without taking the proper... You know what? No. No. You don't even get the benefit of that analogy, Greg, because they're all the way right and fuck you. Never mind.

Okay, but between this and the recent Hillsong movie, I feel like if mainstream television networks just gave us a call, we could help them plan out their next five years of documentary. How'd you guys know about Kenneth Copeland? Oh no, let me tell you about Kenneth Copeland. You're gonna like this. Oh, it's an airport,

man. An airport. So, apparently, the producers of Shadowland spoke with Locke and asked him if he wanted to be featured in their genuine Hollywood streaming docu-series thing that they were doing. And he was like, fuck yeah. And he did a nunchucks move and he hurt himself. But he very enthusiastically took part in their filming as

they followed him around and documented his job. The show included footage of Locke hanging out with convicted felon Roger Stone, who then spoke at Locke's church. And footage of Locke leading a book burning party, the aim of which was to lower the amount of gay in the country via the immolation of the gay paper inside of gay books, mostly. Right. Which he very clearly bought for that purpose. He made purchases and it also included footage of lock telling the producers of a show about conspiracy idiots that covet is a hoax and that bill gates and george soros and the jury were behind a secret plot to steal the 2020

election got footage of that too right and to be clear he was pretty sure he was gonna come out looking great after all that well right yeah the craziest part of this is that he still thinks there's some way to acknowledge his existence without it being an argument against said existence so shadowland finally released and greg lock is furious about the documenting nature of the documentary. And he gave an extra twitchy sermon last week to yell about it. Here's what Locke had to say. Quote, anybody got Peacock? It's like Netflix, you know, pay to play subscription.

No, not really. Our show drops today. Six part series called Shadowland. We're going to lay in bed with some ice cream and watch it tonight amen and okay so far it sounds like he's gonna masturbate to himself in this like no judgment but that's what it sounds like so far it's not your show that made it about it yeah it's a jeffrey dahmer documentary he's very confused my show is out he continues they did everything against us that they promised they wouldn't do made us look like He's very confused. My show is out. He continues.

They did everything against us that they promised they wouldn't do. Made us look like idiots. You're idiots, though. That made us look like insurrectionist QAnon conspiracy theorists turned mics on backstage, tried to get me on a hot mic tried to do anything they can they ain't got nothing on us but it's interesting how they take a narrative and they spin it wildly out of control greg greg greg if someone can make you look like an idiot insurrectionist and conspiracy theorist by capturing you on the medium of film i've got some bad news for you right yes you knew they were it's a hot mic my ass you knew they were there you let them be there that's not what hot mic it was on it's an on mic in a thing you agree it's on your shirt wow it's just running into locker room safe

i'm safe you're not allowed to. So two important takeaways. First of all, Greg Locke is very confused about the concept of microphones and cameras and how any of that works. And apparently he's desperately looking for exposure. So if anyone knows G-Lo, please let him know that we have a genuine Hollywood podcast and we'd love to have him on. It definitely will not involve a prank. The fact that Andrew's on vacation right now, total coincidence.

Total coincidence. Alright, well it sounds like we've got some coffee to spike, so we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Creamer to spike. Spike the coffee with just coffee and you know given the well-earned reputation religious institutions have for pedophilia, you'd think a religious school would know better than to approve a second-grade homework assignment

that includes a picture of you in the tub. And barring that, you'd think that at least have the sense enough to get rid of that requirement when someone pointed out how disgusting it is. But if Christianity was a learn from its mistakes kind of thing, they wouldn't still be waiting for the return of Jesus. Which is why I'm not remotely surprised that they A, issued the assignment, or B, kicked the little girl

who refused to do it out of their school. So yeah, this damn near too sinister to be true story comes to us from the Victory Christian Academy in Jacksonville, Florida. And holy shit, is it as bad as it sounds. See, nestled in the homework schedule between stuff like practice Psalms 24 or 3 times and practice spelling less 5 was the assignment

to quote, send a picture of you doing reading homework in bathtub. End of quote. To be clear, there's no context that makes this less perverse. so needless to say a mom saw this shit and sent a way more polite than warranted note explaining that no her seven-year-old wasn't going to send her teacher nudie pics and the teacher's response according to the relevant police report was quote we have been sending this homework assignment home for years and you're the only one complaining about it. Just cover your child in pillows or pajamas then, end quote. Needless to say, the kid's parents contacted the local sheriff's office to document their concerns.

And then, for reasons unexplained, but definitely weren't retaliation for calling the cops on their creepy bullshit, the school kicked the student out of their school altogether. Which, don't get me wrong, is probably best for the kid, but is a pretty fucked up ending to the story. And by the way, I should point out that all the MAGA fucks that accuse teachers of grooming every time they acknowledge the existence of LGBTQ people were curiously silent about this one. So weird.

Now, like I said, I'm happy the little girl is out of the Ask Picks Please Christian school, but it's not like public schools are nailing it at this point. Case in point, according to a nonprofit that tracks banned books in American schools, the Central York School District in Pennsylvania recently banned a book series called Girls Who Code, which is designed to encourage young women to get more involved in computer programming and STEM fields in general. Now, the school district actually disputes the claim and says that those books are available in their libraries. There's a lot of reason to believe that they were banned up until the media got a hold of this information. See, the Central York District got into trouble for this bullshit a couple years ago

when they decided to ban pretty much every book recommended by their diversity committee this was of course part of the national republican push against whatever they've scared voters into thinking critical race theory means and the end result is of course coming out against diversity no doubt this series was banned however temporarily because its goal was to increase diversity in STEM education. And if that diversity went beyond gender balance, using only the genders on their abridged list, it would still be forbidden. And on that quick reminder that Republicans are literally pushing for a white men only approach to educational material, and it's the central plank of their political platform.

I'll wrap up for the week and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Day of Nope news, in one of the most egregious violations of church school separation we have ever reported on for this program, last week, thousands of high school seniors

in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, believed they were taking a field trip to a, quote, college and career fair. But they were actually transported to a massive church service representing truly everything poisonous about religion. Ironically, this event was called the Day of Hope. Yeah, I think Hope you were elsewhere. They get there like gotcha turns out it was a job fair huh job now it should be pointed out that this was a deceptive venture from the start right several upset parents have since shared the permission slip from the event and

it makes absolutely no mention that it would be taking place in a church it very clearly describes the event as a college fair with free food fun and games and special guests not a fucking trauma fest that ends in an altar call yeah they might as well have a trail of like dank memes and vape pens leading to a church box held up with a stick trap kids fuck got a new tiktok filter for you here in the baptismal font. So look, there have been several accounts of the event so far, but here are some of the lowlights, if you will. First of all, the students were separated by gender. And while the boys went outside for the aforementioned fun and games, which turned out to be shit like pushup contests for prize money,

the girls were stuck inside listening to three speakers on the subject of virginity, not dating in college, so virginity again, and a graphic description of a woman's son's suicide. Jesus. But to be fair, I feel like at least two-thirds of this podcast

would have chosen the latter over the former if they were offered the choice. I have tender triceps, Noah. i have to be careful with them anyways from there students were and i gotta admit i kind of like this part forced to register to vote in order to get water after push-ups nice yeah they did like a bunch of exercise and then they had a big thing of water and they had to fill out their like attendance slip to get to the water and it was a fucking voter registration they all have to sit down at a desk there's an interrogation lamp on so then they were reunited boys and the girls for a proud tradition that i think i have to admit we all experienced as kids which is a speech from a

crazy liar who was in prison and has now found jesus yep the speaker in question is actually not new to the scathing atheist this is pastor trell webb who among other things claims to have cured his own paralysis and been sentenced to life in prison without parole while not being in prison when he says that yeah yeah he tells that same story lie during an interview and he says yeah i got shot when i was 11 years old as by myself while i was playing with a gun and i was paralyzed and all these doctors were doing a long series of all different surgeries on me whatever blah blah nerd i had a praying grandmother and she got jesus to heal me so that's what happened right yeah so that i could go on to commit the kind of crimes

you go to prison for life for. Yeah. Mysterious ways. And now I'm here to give you advice, children. And last, and let's go ahead and say least, this may be my favorite part of the afternoon. The event ended with an altar call or pizza what yeah according to a student present quote at the end of everything the host made the audience make a choice he said quote if you

want to eat pizza is right outside those doors for you if you choose change if you want to get better come toward the stage towards me end quote and in case you're wondering yes that student did just go get pizza because they're fucking i was already gone yeah absolutely and the pastor's like wait don't just ah that backfire if you get three times yours in heaven you can sublet the extra two oh how do they fuck that up so bad right like if anybody knows about withholding the free food until they've agreed to join your religion, it's the Christians. Right. This seems like an or got typed instead of a four kind of deal. For sure. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, wow, Eli, that sounds really terrible.

I bet the school was super apologetic to all the parents and the students they upset. Nope. The school released a statement defending the event calling it a quote elevation of a traditional college and career fair and quote adding we look forward to seeing what our over 2,100 student participants will continue to achieve with the resources and knowledge gained from this event end quote and. And I got to say, so am I, you know. That said, the school probably doesn't have the FFRF lawsuit that I

and several of the parents and involved students have in mind when they say that. But yes, I am, I'm looking forward to see what they continue to achieve with your checkbook. Those are still resources.

Yeah. And in Barton is such sweaty sorrow news tonight. Fantastic. It's been so long trying to come up with anything for this fucking story. David Barton lying about American history and the service of Christian nationalism isn't exactly news.

In fact, him telling the truth about any historical fact more consequential than what he had for breakfast that morning would be. But he did trot out a new new lie and since that'll no doubt be showing up at a thanksgiving argument near you i figure we should mention it on the show so according to david barton you can tell founding era americans would be appalled with our exclusion of religious teachings in public schools because back in new jersey in 18, no, reject the premise of whatever. Don't care.

Public school students were expected to memorize large portions of the Bible as a routine part of their education, even in the first and second grades. And of course, the only true words in that sentence are the conjunctions. Right, exactly. Solid argument. Well, unless maybe I can think of something we were doing in 1816 that we aren't doing now. What would that... Come back to me later. Maybe I'll get it.

I'm sorry. He's using my home state of Jersey as his model for America. You're going to tell us next about how not knowing how to fucking merge is in the Constitution? Just go. You go first as much as you can.

Yeah, right. No, you win. You try to win. That's what George Washington won. You win this traffic. So, yeah, this first appeared apparently in a speech that he gave in the Calvary Church in Moline, Illinois, and he cites it to a bona fide historical document. So, you know, it's true. historical document so you know it's true he quotes at length about how most first and second grade students had memorized the entire gospel of john with many of them going on to also memorize

a bunch of psalms and if you're thinking wait a second did they even have the same numeric grading system that we have now in public schools all the way back in 1816 congratulations on giving this more thought than barton did and if you're thinking wait did they even have public schools in 1816 you've given it way more thought than barton did because the answer to both fucking questions are no yeah they also learned about treating a minor rash with leeches at school the founding fathers would be appalled at Neosporin at this point. If they saw that... Okay, guys, let's give David credit where credit is due. Sure, it wasn't a

grade or a school per se, but it was still a English sentence? Shit. What were we crediting him for? What's left for it to be? So the document he quotes is from a report from the free school association of elizabethtown which is an association of fucking sunday schools

sunday schools church fucking schools like seriously he could have learned that with a search on google books but more than that the students in question weren't in first or second grade the school divided the kids up into five groups based on how much shit they already knew. Right. So first and second grade meant they were in the top or penultimate quintile of the class in terms of reading skills. So now six year olds weren't memorizing the fucking gospel of John as a matter of course back then. And while it's at least that like that part is at least somewhat new us. The fact that the public school system, as we know, it didn't get started until the 1830s isn't right. That's the kind of thing that nobody claiming to be a fucking historian of America could be reasonably unaware of.

So either he knows he's lying or is so deeply doesn't fucking care that he's lost the ability to think in any meaningful sense of the term. Okay, well, lying. And I guess it's good that he was lying, because I still can't think of any antebellum bad stuff. I've been thinking this whole time, and I just blank. I mean, at the very least, they were against bellums. You know this about them, right? And look, it's

kind of a signature feature of Barton's lies that even if he was right, the argument would still be stupid and useless. Right. So first of all, there was exactly one book you could count on kids having access to back in the 1820s or whatever. So it would be an endorsement so much as an acquiescence if public schools used Bibles. But also, how well served is your side when you say, well, if we did it my way, we could be as well educated as a seven-year-old rural New Jersey from the 1810s.

Regardless, he's so wrong it would be difficult to be wronger, is the end of the story. And finally tonight, in hypocritical race theory news, there might be a black mermaid. Anna?

What are the guys talking about? It's the newest, the greatest Christian freakout. There it is. Yeah, that's right. The Christian white is having a freakout after Disney decided to cast a black person, Grammy Award winner Hallie Lynn Bailey, as the little mermaid in their remake that's set to release next year. Not even a real mermaid.

Okay, you're maybe thinking you're making a joke. We're going to get to that argument. This includes the freak out. It includes a Facebook group called Christians Against the Little Mermaid. That's a real thing. And that came along with a slew of talking heads. All in a very confused panic about the proper ethnicity for a fantasy hybrid of human and fish.

Yep. Yeah. And as friend of the show, Dietrich Von Doom pointed out on Facebook, we don't really need mermaid commentary for people whose ancestors once looked at a manatee and thought, I'd fuck that.

Yeah. That's excellent. And damn wokeness ruining the passive aggressive fairy tale a bisexual fuck boy wrote to a guy who didn't know he was in love with him to get back at him for getting married that's the backstory yes that's how this got written they should all have to be in a room with hans christian anderson for one Never mind. You can do whatever you want. Yeah. So the absolute pinnacle of the freakouts came from Christian Wright commentator Matt Walsh of The Daily Wire.

That's the site run by Ben Shapiro. For those who aren't familiar with Matt Walsh, well, good job. Yeah. He's a... I envy you. He's a professional stupid bigot who tries to play a smart, stupid bigot on TV. He's a Catholic anti-choice activist. He's an anti-trans activist who rented an apartment in Virginia last year for one day just so he could give a speech at a school board meeting about a bathroom bill issue.

Jesus. He made a transphobic documentary called what is a woman and he wrote a children's book this year that compares being trans to identifying as a walrus yeah no idea what the fuck that meant because we all know a real man identifies a walrus as a woman because he's been on a boat too long and fucks the shit out of it we're just listening also worth noting on his twitter bio matt walsh describes himself as a theocratic fascist but like as if he's winking at it but he is in fact exactly a theocratic fascist yeah you can't just say like neo-nazi in a different tone and make it ironic. And now you're not a neo-Nazi. Yes, you are.

And one other detail. He wants the DOJ to ban porn if it's too horny. Yes. He's advocated for that too. If the fucking God of fun ever needed a nemesis. Right? When Matt Walsh dies, they should like run run splash mountain over his torso for a couple years just to like put the universe back in balance all right so here's the intellectual commentary

from matt walsh about the proper race for a mermaid quote from a scientific perspective oh good such a bad start no matt walsh here let me tell you about mermaids from a scientific perspective it doesn't make a lot of sense to have someone with darker skin who lives deep in the ocean if you look at deep sea creatures they're like translucent what they have no pigmentation whatsoever that's not accurate accurate. They're just like these, I don't know, these horrifying they look like skeletons floating around in the ocean. That's what the Little Mermaid should look like.

Totally pale and skeletal where you can see her skull through her face. What? And that would be a version of the Little Mermaid that I would watch. End white power quote about why Disney should have cast a white person.

Alright, you know what? If that's where my fantasies took me, maybe I would want porn banned too. Can we just say, even in their stupid pseudoscientific argument about mermaids, they're wrong. Mermaids don't live at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, Matt

Wall. They don't live anywhere. Not every the marianas trench matt wall don't live anywhere not every animal that touches the sea floor is an angler i hate that i am participating in this to the third degree i'm so deep you got stuck i'm so just 28 grams be my guys i need out and by the way here's the latest follow- up on this whole thing by Walsh. Last week, he announced that he's working with the Daily Wire to make a race swapped movie about Malcolm X starring a Cuban-American conservative political commentator in the title role of Malcolm X. Walsh tweeted, the left keeps casting black actors as white characters now we're fighting back yeah so in our face i guess you got us not right yeah if this doesn't work they're gonna cast white people to play gandhi and jengis khan oh but man doesn't it tell you everything about conservatives that they think they need revenge for black people existing yep sure does so just to recap

matt walsh really wants to watch a love story between a human prince and a translucent skeleton fish with a lady top but here's the most broken clock twice a day he Heath. Move on, move on. Here's the most important part. That was coming from an American Christian commentator, a white guy. Walsh's religion is based on Jesus Christ, the most egregious example of race swapping in the history of art. Yes. Jesus was not a white guy. Nobody pointed that out to Matt Walsh. Really?

Benny Shaps, fuck. Talk to your boy. i know you know that he needs matt walsh needs ben shapiro to be the voice of reason in his life and that's terrifying that's rough all right well i guess we're on the verge of getting all the way through a ben shapiro mention without heath mentioning that his wife his wife told him a wet vagina is a disease there it is okay so i guess now we can close the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Ben Shapiro's wife told him a wet vagina was a disease and he believed her. It's good to have you back, man.

And when we come back, Anna will be here to make sure our descent into madness at least has a catchy soundtrack. Too much. They were waiting for it. They wanted it. They were waiting. They wanted it. One of our goals here at The Scathing Atheist is to make sure that we leave you with something each week that stays with you after the show's over. Sometimes that can be a joke that still makes you giggle hours later.

Sometimes it can be a thought that you're still chewing on days later. But when we have Anna on, you can bet it'll be a song so damn catchy you'd need a regimen of dewormer to get it out of your head. So without further ado, Anna, welcome back to the show. Hey! So tell us, what song are we going to be breaking down today? Oh, buckle in, boys. There's a visual aid for this one. This train, written by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee, Sister Rosetta Thorpe. Really?

Yeah. Covered and edited by many a white male musician and absolutely obliterated by Christian youth groups across America. All right. So now the question on everybody's mind, of course, is where the fuck did you find this song? Sir, I have a two-year-old. This is a song that first came to me at one of Max's music classes, secular music classes, mind you, along with the songs about farm animals and the days of the week and how to find your goddamn belly button. There was this cute little song about a train. Now, you may have heard it in this form or maybe a slightly different melody,

but we heard this train is bound for glory. This train is bound for glory. This train is bound for glory. Children get on board. No more weeping and wailing. No more weeping and wailing. No more weeping and wailing. Children get on board.

So this is like a post-mass infanticide song, right? When you need a train to get all the dead babies this is the song that christians think the younglings heard when anakin was done with them right this is terrible it's a song about thomas the tank engine leaving auschwitz that's funny good song for kids well it is though it kind of is i mean i heard this and i was like fucking dark bro yeah for one year olds and two okay so i looked it up and i learned that there are so many versions of this song like the tree of life version of this throughout all of the lyrics except for this train and then changed it to jesus has a place in heaven for me what yeah i know j Jesus has a place in heaven for me.

What? Yeah, I know. Jesus has a place in heaven for me. Just over and over and over. Anyway, and there's another version where they play the instruments in the left speaker and the voices in the right speakers

the entire time. You feel like you're going to rip your goddamn eyeballs out. But then through it all, I was like, what's Mumford and sons doing here oh hey johnny cash uh what's up bob marley like sorry bob marley covers bob marley covers this song until i got to the original version of the song which is that's so weird i know which is a

lot darker than the fluff that you've heard so far. Sister Rosetta Thorpe, one of the grandmothers of rock and roll, wrote this song in 1939, and it was a vastly different tune. She talks about hustlers, gamblers, conmen, masturbation. Really? Yes. You have to go watch her performance on YouTube. masturbation really yes you have to go watch her performance on youtube she plays with the audience and jokes and like heavily implies that her pianist is a masturbation addict which is hilarious jokes with the audience is generally a great performance and obviously the torrent of white men

and bob marley who covered it after her we're trying to like get a little bit of that like capture just the essence a crumb of what she had but don't worry i uh combed through the internet and finally after hours of sifting through cocomelon and terry mcmillan covers i found the kids version that stays the truest to the original version of this song god our audience deserves a lot anna but I don't think they deserve you. That sounds like, that sounds fucking terrible. I know. Here we have This Train

as performed by unnamed child with strange accent hired by Christians.net and uploaded to the YouTube playlist Christian songs and videos.

All right, so let's just dive into these lyrics. So over and over and every verse, we'll start with this train is bound for glory. This train three times, right? Yeah.

So we'll just, we'll skip through that. So then the first verse we get that. And then it says, don't carry nothing but the righteous and the holy. This train is bound for glory. This train. Right.

And it's at this point that we should point out that what the pattern of this, again, children's cartoon will be is the train pulls up to the platform the door opens a tiger who by the way shows no signs of being jewish or muslim doesn't get on the train well i mean proboscis just right yeah the tiger starts crying and then the doors close in his fucking face yes this is the children's cartoon pattern honestly this tiger though someone should tell daniel tiger that he has got a libel suit right he could he could seriously win this case but to be clear about the symbolism here we're watching daniel tiger get condemned to hell for his various trespasses right and we're gonna see so many cartoon animals burn in hell we are 29 seconds

into the video okay at this point 29 seconds in i'm just rooting for a bunch of christian people to show up to this platform and then get mauled by a Jewish tiger on the platform. That would have been fun for me. Jiger. No. All right. So now we're going to hear about how this train don't carry no gamblers, this train. Right.

It's a good thing there's no gambling in the Bible. Am I right? But the visual we're going to get this time, the train pulls up and there's a monkey who's carrying his bags of money into the afterlife okay i like to think the monkey is a commentary on nfts right there you go so the lyrics give us this train don't carry no gamblers and then it says liars thieves nor big shot ramblers sorry okay big shot ramblers yeah yeah ramblers. Sorry, okay. Big shot ramblers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rambler means just person who likes to walk around like on the countryside. They have

preeminent big shots in their community? That's weird. Yeah. And they go to hell? For that! They go to hell for that! Yes. And it wraps up by saying this train don't carry no gamblers, this train. Also, let's just be honest here we've been

doing this show for a while with the amount of money bags this monkey has he is definitely going to be allowed to ride on christianity's train it is interesting to consider the reordering of priorities though over the last 80 years right because it's hard to imagine this song written today starting with gamblers yeah i like to think that after being rejected from the heaven train the monkey went off with his winnings and became a patron of dnd oh there you go one of the fine shows of puzzles of thunderstorm so then we get the train pulls up at a hippo the lyrics say this train don't carry no liars this train, really disappointed that they didn't show us how the hippo was going to be depicted as a liar

because it's just a normal hippo and he doesn't... It feels hipposys, right? Yeah, right. It feels like, you know what hippos are like. The hippo violation. Groucho Marx glasses? Yes. Coming for a second sample at Costco. Oh, there you go.

So yeah, so it says this train don't carry no liars she's streamlined and a midnight flyer really they couldn't think of any rhymes with liars they just went back to describing the train that's all they could do apparently yeah she'll take your eyes out with a needle nose plier don't drink the milk after the point of expire. Oh, okay. This hippo will take your job and force you to retire. The late milk drinker going to hell would be less

offensive than some of the messages they do here. Right. The ramblers. Yeah. And then it wraps up this train. Don't carry no liars this train. And I got to point out the unintentional commentary of the overbearing nature of Christian morality that exists here because there is no one on this fucking train. There is currently no one on the train. There will never be anyone.

No one will be good enough for the heaven bound train. Yeah. It is as empty as the last train to Long Island. Yeah. This is the good place problem. You just can't now. You can't. You had, you know, Chick-fil-A or something and you're fucked.

So, okay. And now we're going to get, audience, I'm not making this up, to make this segment more interesting, a pig with a cane, a pipe, and a top hat. And the lyrics are going to tell us, this train don't carry no

smokers, this train. You hear that, Noah? You do get to ride the train. This is the best pro-smoking argument I've heard since I quit. It doesn't carry no smokers, no two-bit liars. We already did liars. Come on, new shit. No small-time jokers.

So you don't get to ride the plane after all. I guess not, yeah. They carry big-time jokers, potentially, though. Oh, the plane after all i guess not yeah they carry big time jokers potentially though all right yeah sure it's gonna say i just need to get into the bigger time well first of all this pig is a little businessman yes yes he's a little businessman pig and all he wants to do is do a heck in business and second of all this lion ass train just made him late for his fucking ice cream social and now he has to take an uber if he wants to get there before the raffle starts so like yes okay root this pig is a delight right like how do you not love this pig he's got bon mots he's going on

ice cream social he's got stories for you like that i Truman Capote at the Met Gala. Let me tell you, he sounds so interesting. Fuck this train. Oink, oink, motherfucker. I also have to point out at this point that I suspected that the plot of this cartoon is that the train pulls up. The singer of the song yells these insults out at the people on the platform and then they drive away. It sort of has a drive-by harassment. Yeah, there you go.

All right. So, okay. Things are about to get fucking weird, audience. I know you thought they were weird, but now we're going to get, the train is going to pull up on a couple of panda bears wearing sunglasses with shotguns. Yep. Oh, they have weapons.

They're going to have arms with shotguns and it says this train don't carry no con men this train nobody expected firearms incredibly modern realistic looking shotguns yes they're also like the only way i can describe it is like do you ever see a cartoon of psy the gungam style guy they look like they belong in a Gungam style music video. They have just World War I. And he's holding a shotgun rifle. Yeah, it's very, very upsetting. Okay.

Either way, if two pandas wearing sunglasses, carrying old timey shotguns want to involve me in a ruse because they're con men, I'm on board. I want to be in on that. Yes, it's worth it for the fucking story. It's going to be so fun. We're going to blow Truman Capote. You got to have something to tell the businessman pig.

Yeah, exactly. It feels a lot less con man-y and a lot more funny games-y. Well, I'm just thinking like, man, the train to hell is going to be fucking lit. Right. Oh, do you think they were going for bamboozler? No, no one associated with this cartoon was that clever. Yes.

This train don't carry no con men. This train. No wheel dealers here and gone men. This train don't carry no con men this train. No wheel dealers here and gone men. This train don't carry no con men this train. Yeah, I just want to say that the fact that we haven't gotten an Ocean 16 starring these two stunning twins

is a crime. I would watch the shit out of that. It should be a miniseries. Involve the pig? Yeah. Reacher season two. And speaking of characters that deserve their own miniseries, now we get a lion who also has a

shotgun. Also has a gun? Yeah! And it says this train don't carry no rustlers this train. Again, an armed ant. I feel like this song has made some wild leaps from smokers and liars. Yeah.

So in my head at this point, this is when Kyle Rittenhouse shoots the line in the face, strides onto the train and goes to heaven. If they were being honest about modern American Christianity, that's what fucking happens right now. Yeah. In the original song, this verse is about the wankers. Really? I was expecting a puppy to be on the thing, furiously humping a couch pillow. We're just like staring at a couch

pillow from across the room. So it says, this train don't carry no rustlers, this train, side-streak walkers, two-bit hustlers, this train is bound for glory, this train.'t carry no rustlers this train side street walkers two-bit hustlers this train is bound for glory this train so what did the lion actually get caught doing though if he was lumped into the street walkers and the hustlers like he has a sheriff badge yeah he has a little like bandana and a sheriff's badge well cowboy so and and then it ends, right? That's it.

That's it. That's the whole thing. So I've got to admit that the animation left me with more questions than answers, really. It made it so much crazier. Yeah, I know. I know. It's so fucking awesome. I love this thing so much.

I'm not going to show it to Max yet. This is worth a watch. It's like two minutes. Yeah, we'll have it linked on the show notes. So like I said, a lot of questions, a lot of questions. A lot of them are about pandas. But for most of my questions is how Anna fixed it. So Anna, how did you fix it?

So this song is about Christian judgment at its heart, right? And the lyrics suck, but honestly, the tune slaps. So I figured we needed a song about atheist judgment. It's about goddamn time. Nice. All right. Well, I guess hit it. All aboard! Ooh!

Now this is gonna be a real humidest train. I wanna see y'all get ready. This train ain't buying your story, this train. Cause you can flush it right down the lavatory on this train. Take your pendants, pairs, and and baguettes, holy water, and tinfoil hats. You're making the air smell like cowpats on this train. This train don't carry no boosters.

This train. We all got our COVID boosters on this train. Crystal healing and Reiki do not work as well as a fucking flu shot. Take your homeopathy and do not get on this train. This train don't carry no Christians. This train.

No Muslims, Jews, or Mormon missions on this train. No Hindus or evangelical Trumpers. Catholic spoon and survival thumpers. No sister wives or handmade humpers on this train. No, this train is just handmade humpers on this train. Oh, this train is just for realists. It's this train. We don't want no conspiracy theorists on this train.

Take your pins and yarn out of their placement. Consider moving out of your mama's basement. No spreading lies about white replacements on this train. Ooh, ooh! Almost there! This train is headed for the station. This train, this train. Ooh, ooh, almost there. This train is headed for the station.

This train. Hope you had a good vacation on this train. Ain't it nice when no one tries to sell you fake medicine or tries to tell you your whole family is going to hell on this train. Thank you, Anna. Now I'll have that stuck in my head for the rest of my natural life. Appreciate that. But honestly, it'll be worth it for the looks that I'll get from people when they realize which lyrics I'm singing under my breath to the tune of that

children's Christian song. Anyway, that's all the Blast Weave we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 p.m. Eastern on Tuesday

and an even newer episode of our half-sister show, Saturday, Sunday, and Sunday debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't earn a spot in the archives if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for triumphantly returning. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for triumphantly just still being here. I want to thank Lucinda Lusions for recording a twim on her birthday of all things.

I want to thank Anna one more time for bringing the skills. I also want to thank Kevin from Austin for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, he said that before I did the diatribe on how many awesome people lived in shitty states. And there's a little bit more evidence in case you weren't quite convinced. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most delightful diploids, Richard, Steve, Amy, Hellriders Industries, The Abyss, Shape of Thought, Christopher, Notre Lemus, and Star Shark. Richard, Steve, and Amy, who are so captivating, hurricanes move on shore just to be closer to them. Hellriders, Shape of Thought, and Christopher, whose fists are so fast, the National

Weather Service designated them as Category 5, and Notre Lemus and Star Shark, who would have been happy to kick that hurricane's ass if Florida had just asked. Together, these eight delectable disbelievers date to donate dollars to our devilishly divisive dissection of deism this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation

at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingalias.com. And if you'd like to help, but all your spare money is going to help victims of all these fucking hurricanes, good on you. We get it. We understand. We'll wait. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres,

Tim Robertson, and Handler for Social Media, and our audio engineer is Martin Kirk, who has all the old music news used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadeus.com I don't love masturbators. You love some masturbators. Yeah. I love a masturbators. You love some masturbators. Yeah.

I love a masturbator, and that's all that matters. Thank you. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2022. All rights reserved.