The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 126: Fill in the Blankenagel Edition

Episode Date: July 16, 2015

In this week's episode we'll throw down the gauntlet on fat guy in a red hat with an equipment upgrade; the Pope will let us know that Catholic god is voting for Bernie Sanders this time around; and Bryce Blankenagel from the Naked Mormonism podcast will be here to tell us what's going on underneath the magic underwear.

Warning, we upgraded our equipment this week, and these new microphones are 30% more vulgar. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Bond movie double feature for Jehovah's Witnesses. J007 in License to Kill, My Child by Denying the Medical Treatment. And also, Doctor No, We'd Prefer to Let Our Kid Die of Blood Loss. And now, the skating atheist. This is Mark Traphagen of Traphagen's Daily Takeout Order Marketing Podcast. And because there are marketers like me all over the internet in your face, well, that's proof that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy marketing monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's July 16th. And if you want a less sugary alternative to sweet tea, try honey on the rocks with a spoon. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from a bunch of Michael Savages in this town, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll throw down the gauntlet on fat guy in a red hat with our equipment upgrade. We learn from the Pope that Catholic God will be voting for Bernie Sanders.

And Bryce Blankenegel from Naked Mormonism will be here, but he won't be naked or Mormon. Like the Holy Roman Emperor. But first, the diatribe. There's a bizarre throwaway apologetic that acts as the capstone to way too many discussions about Islamic extremism. It's the kind of thing that's rendered completely irrelevant by even the barest hint of logical scrutiny, and yet I've heard at least a dozen rational, intelligent people offer it up. Now, to be fair, it's usually in the vein of like a conciliatory bone being thrown to Muslim reformers, but it's still complete horseshit.

So the apologetic goes something like this. If you were to compare the timeline of Christian development and the timeline of Islamic development, you would see that the younger religion is just acting like a younger religion. If you look at Christianity circa 1400 CE, you're going to find something looks very similar to modern day Islam from a theological perspective. Now, I want to make an important point about this, and I don't want to be accused of strawmanning, so let me make this clear. I've never heard somebody say this as a way of urging people to, like, calm down for another half millennia or so and wait for them to figure it out on their own, and they're not offering it up as evidence that there's some natural development that religions go through, and since Christianity calmed down, Islam will

inevitably do the same. When I hear people make this point, it's usually being offered as evidence that the religion can be reformed, right? I mean, we have evidence of a worldwide faith that was every bit as violent and theocratic that had a reformation and eventually learned to live comfortably alongside a secular government. So people will offer this as evidence that Islam isn't beyond saving and that they may very well be an enlightenment away from getting their shit together all on their own. Now, with all that in mind, let's take this argument apart. And it shouldn't be hard because it's based on a sample size of one and it's colored by a retroactively applied narrative that is demonstrably false.

See, according to the implications of this narrative, there was some internal struggle within the church that ended with this enlightened realization that theocracy was just bad for everybody, upon which the church voluntarily ceded power to a secular government so there could be peace and tolerance. the church voluntarily ceded power to a secular government so there could be peace and tolerance. They act like the Enlightenment led to the Reformation of the church rather than the Reformation of the church leading to the Enlightenment. And I'm not trying to give religion any credit here. The Enlightenment bits were always there. We just needed the church to stop killing all the critical thinkers. The real historic narrative involves the secular authorities ripping power out of the hands of the church for entirely nefarious purposes and humanity being allowed to flourish once their thoughts were freed from the bondage of pre-scientific dogma. Because the kings might not have been benevolent, but they didn't give a shit which celestial

body you thought was in the middle as long as you gave them the pigs you owed them once a year. So what actually happened is that the church started to lose power and, in general, the more power it lost, the better off humanity was. And after all their attempts to reassert power failed, and keep in mind that included wars and inquisitions and shit, they begrudgingly settled into a less powerful role. And they've kept doing that over and over again for centuries now. Now, based on that history, we're supposed to see some hope for Islam being reformed? We're supposed to believe that the theocratic religion is more likely to cede power to a

secular state after seeing what happened to Christianity? We're supposed to believe that the fundamentalist theocrats are going to look at the impotence of the Western church and think of that as something other than an object lesson in what not to do? But look, my biggest problem with this has nothing to do with how it obscures a logical perception of Islamic terrorism. Now, that's definitely a problem, sure, but the biggest issue I have here is that it paints Christianity as some kind of benign force that's been declawed by its maturity. You know, as though Christian terrorism isn't a real thing in the present day, as if Christianity isn't fully capable of devolving into something far worse than present-day Islam at a moment's notice. Think about how hard this poor horse is

pushing on the cart here. The reform the Christian church went through was more like a post-bankruptcy restructuring. They didn't decide to calm down and get with the times. They were defeated by the times. They were defeated by secular authorities, and they were faced with the choice of either rebuilding as something less powerful or disappearing altogether. But even today, they're looking for every opportunity to turn back the clock to a time when they had the biggest dicks on the block.

There are plenty of Christians hell-bent on creating a Christian theocracy where our secular democracy once stood. Look, if there's any lesson the Enlightenment can teach us about how you deal with a theocracy, it's that the procedure for fixing a religion is identical to the one for fixing a dog. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a man with a pop filter, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to pronounce your ploses with properly paleated punctuation, sir?

This thing is awesome. Seriously. Diffuses peas better than a morning after post-coital cum plug. Fun stream thing you get. You took the words right out of my mouth. In our lead story tonight, Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin demonstrated the kind of spectacular idiocy we've come to expect from Oklahoma phobias elected officials with a quote that fits quite nicely into my list of the dumbest things ever uttered by a person without a neurological excuse. Now, a little backstory to start us off. You'll recall that last week the state Supreme Court there ordered the removal of a Ten Commandments monument that sat on the statehouse lawn, violating the shit out of both the federal and state constitutions.

Yes, they did. And Oklahoma doesn't usually take well to Supreme Courts. No, they don't. So I'm guessing the removal hasn't happened yet. Are they instead accepting submissions by all religions that have a Ten Commandments secular history lesson monument that they want to donate? That would be a little too nuanced for Governor Fallin. So she elected to go with overturning the decision by dictatorial fiat.

She justified that action by explaining that members of the legislature were amenable to passing a constitutional amendment that would grandfather in the monument. So her argument is that she doesn't have to abide by the decision because she plans on overriding the constitution of the united states to change the law later okay here's the thing though has there ever been a good grandfather clause in the history of constitutional law that term exists because of black voter suppression in the south the grandfather from just about every clause is an ignorant old white dude pretty much every time. When you come down to it, yes. Now, as if her lack of understanding of basic government function wasn't already perfectly clear, she further defended herself with a civics lesson straight out of fucking Pogo Possum.

Quote, there are three branches of the government. So far, so good. Pretty good. You have the Supreme Court. That's some of one branch, I guess. I'll give her a half a point. Okay, the legislative branch. All right, one and a half points, not bad.

And the people. The people and their ability to vote. So close. Well, yeah, but I mean, even if she just totally nailed the three branches, be that by answering correctly or teleporting to a parallel universe where that answer was correct, it would still be irrelevant to the whole, do we have to abide by the Constitution when the Supreme Court tells us to question, wouldn't it? Still meaningless.

Yeah, they're not all powerful, each of them sovereign. And in papal bull markets news tonight, Pope Franchise Tagg gave an interesting speech while high on cocaine leaves in Bolivia last week, during which he apologized on behalf of the church for a whole bunch of terrible, not pedophile stuff they did. Oh, that's new. Specifically, the supreme warlock of the Catholic realm expressed that the church is really sorry about all the terrible human rights violations against the indigenous people of the Americas, especially the ones perpetrated by Vatican employees like Junipero Serra, who I'm going to have sainted later this summer. Yeah, right. Exactly. It's like the people that apologize in advance of running into you, right?

I mean, look, you can go outside and embroider sorry about your ancestors on the Confederate flag in your front yard without winning too many brownie points with me. That's all I'm saying. brownie points with me. That's all I'm saying. So, in addition to his apology for white people in general, Pope Franglophile made a few other remarks that probably weren't on his Handler-approved script either.

For example, he also decided to voice his continued support for the Marxist agenda of Jesus Christ, which didn't go over well with everybody. A whole bunch of ignorant American Catholics who've read neither Marx nor the New Testament angrily responded, rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble. Something like that.

Quote, quote, rabble, rabble. Yeah, right, right. And look, I mean, little Pope, little Pope Frant be wrong has had it way too easy in the press for his little non-reforms and semi-concessions. And so far, I've remained immune to his slick marketing charm. and semi-concessions. And so far, I've remained immune to his slick marketing charm. That being said, while he was in Bolivia,

he referred to unrestrained capitalism as, quote, the dung of the devil, end quote. And look, if he's moving into the poop analogy phase of his papacy, I might just get on board. I'm a human being. Give me three or four poop metaphors a week, and I might just overlook the rank hypocrisy of going to an impoverished nation and saying sorry you guys are so poor but don't you dare start using condoms and having abortions now all the kids you can have you poor maybe forgivable with the uh commie poop phase yeah exactly so although the suggestion that god

denounces capitalism was wildly unpopular with the guys that run his pyramid scheme and own about 175 million acres of land around the world. This went over extremely well with Bolivian President Evo Morales, who presented the Pope a crucifix in the shape of a hammer and sickle as like a gift from commie to commie, I guess. Unfortunately for the Vatican PR department, and they're having a tough week, by the way. Yeah. Fortunately for them, nobody was able to tackle the Pope out of the frame fast enough to prevent several photographs and some footage of a bewildered pontiff with his new communist crucifix action figure. Oh, he was just stoked he didn't have to buy the Cracker Jacks to get it.

And in IMD beatdown news tonight, Ray, I never thought about the plantain's comfort, is apparently taking advice on how to deal with film critics from his banana buddy Kirk Cameron. After all, why bother making a movie that's watchable when it's way easier to create a cinematic emetic and then beg for good reviews in the name of Jesus later? And as Saving Christmas' meteoric rise from worst-rated movie in history to second-worst-rated movie in history shows, that's a viable tactic. That works. Right.

And with Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas, we're talking about a feature-length film of 80 minutes. Comfort, on the other hand, he's got like a quick 10-minute skit plus 39 minutes of YouTube clips. Rapid fire. So it's a smart move. Pretty much everyone hates your movie. Brevity is probably good for your score at IMDb.

Yeah, right. A little bonus. So I guess upon seeing his average review on IMDb dip all the way down to like 3 out of 10, Comfort employed a form of logic that's basically like the grown-up version of, well, if it wasn't good, why would mom have hung it on the fridge? And assume that just like a bunch of bitter queer-loving atheists were engaged in a secret conspiracy to trick people into thinking this $14 movie sucked. No, we really liked it. Yeah, right.

It was so hard to lie about how bad it was. Look, in a tweet dripping with denialism, he said, quote, Atheists hijacked IMDb and gave Audacity bad reviews. Feel free to leave yours. IMDb.com slash Twitter slash TT4172400 dot dot dot end quote. So, yeah, somebody call Aflac or fucking Keanu Reeves. Ray's movie done being hijacked. Hijacked.

Get Wesley Snipes. Hijacked as in hijacked by the voters in the election. Right, right. That's how he means that word. And, by the way, it's weird he doesn't have more support. I mean, it seemed like he had literally thousands of people agreeing with him out of context during that montage. So maybe get those guys to review it.

Yeah. And it's also worth noting, by the way, that Comfort does have a list of all the people who actually saw the movie, since you can only get it by buying it from him. So he also could have limited his cry for help to the people who actually saw the movie, since you can only get it by buying it from him. So he also could have limited his cry for help to the people who actually saw the damn thing, but he didn't. So I guess Jesus is okay with a little false witnessing if it's in the name of queer hate.

I guess. Obviously. Ed from the Church and State Troopers File tonight. According to a complaint by an organization called Atheists of Puerto Rico, the police department of Barceloneta City has been deploying Christian-themed roadblocks during which detained commuters get to learn about Jesus whether they like it or not. So, yeah, all the same charm as a subway preacher, plus he's allowed to shoot you with a gun. He would have to shoot me with the fucking gun.

I would get so incredibly arrested. You know how fast you're going straight to hell with your heathenous ways? Yeah. Assaulting an officer, resisting arrest, public indecency, assault with a deadly sense of indignation, forced sodomy with a flashlight, or at least attempted forced sodomy with a flashlight. Yeah. I would break most of the laws. I'd spend the rest of my life in some fucking Puerto Rican prison if they got me like that. Oh, yes.

So here's the thing. Puerto Rico is 97 percent Christian. Right. I mean, obviously, roadblock evangelism isn't necessary at this point. Work pretty well, but it's not necessary anymore. And so I'm guessing these guys just like got bored one day and somebody said, let's pull over a Jew and ask it questions. just like got bored one day and somebody said let's pull over a jew and ask it questions so obscurity checkpoint started asking people bible trivia until they found one of the island's eight heathens he's like hey chief we got a jew boy here what says moses wrote the bible moses yeah

yeah i'm pretty sure cops in puerto rico are all white american so that's how it works the cops step out of the car sir are you sure he's a Jew, Hernandez? I don't see no horns or nothing on him. He's got the hat and the nose. Whatever. Should I ask him the thing? Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and ask him the thing about the babies instead.

No, you ask him. You ask him. No. I'm going to ask him. All right. So, Jew boy, when you eat a Catholic baby, how much extra energy are we talking? Like a cup of coffee? Like three cups?

So with a palpable effort to avoid segwaying out with a one-girl-three-cups joke, I'm just going to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey!

I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. I can almost feel the political apathy for the next presidential race welling up. A lot of liberal freethinkers probably have a race to look forward to between their second choice and whichever Republican candidate winds up in the driver's seat of the clown car when it crosses the finish line. And I'm terrified by the thought of a bunch of polling stations with tumbleweeds blowing through them under the apathetic rallying cry that all the politicians are the same. But I have a glimmer of hope, since at the moment it's really hard to ignore the fact that all Supreme Court justices aren't

the same. As much as I love Ruth, I assume she'll step down while Obama's still in office, but that still leaves a lot of justices that are only going to make it to 2020 as cyborgs. And think about what a difference it would make if we could replace Scalia with somebody who didn't think the Woodnips were trying to siphon away his jizz while he slept. With all that in mind, let's start off this week in New Orleans, where the National Right to Life Committee held its annual misogyny convention last week. Appearing at the convention were Ben Carson, Ricks Perry, and Santorum, Bobby Jindal, and Marco Rubio.

Jeb Bush and Ted Cruz also phoned in with a pre-recorded video message. And each of these depressingly viable candidates competed to see who could promise to better restrict female biological autonomy. Rick Perry drunkenly boasted about the fact that the state he governed now has more international airports than abortion clinics.

Marco Rubio promised to fight against all baby killers, both foreign and domestic. But, of course, when it comes to anti-abortion hyperbole, nobody beats the froth. Santorum explained that the gay marriage thing only happened because Roe vs. Wade allowed liberals to abort all the straight fetuses. And he did it with a cancer analogy. But of course, it would be dismissive to write off all the anti-abortion activists as anti-woman. Some of them are just generally concerned with the meteorological effects. Take Troy Newman of Operation Rescue, for example. During a radio interview on Crosstalk Radio,

he fell into that surprisingly common Christian bigot inability to treat abortion and gay marriage as two separate and completely unrelated issues, and explained that abortion, and all the gay marrying it leads to, are to blame for all of America's ills, especially the very small ones that aren't actually ills, like occasional rainfall and not remaining on the gold standard. Quote, If you look at what's going on in America, we've had some terrible weather patterns lately, our economic clout has been taken away, the stock market is artificially inflated,

the dollar is a fiat currency. End of quote, but not list of random shit. So according to Newman, God saw America legalize abortion in 1973 and said, Okay, I'll give them 42 years to get their shit together, but if they don't knock it off with the baby killing, I'm going to make moderate changes to their weather patterns and artificially inflate their stock market, dammit. Makes perfect sense. And, of course, this week in misogyny is fat lady singing as a Christian blogger endorsing marital rape.

So, we'll finish off this week by boiling your blood with a quick trip to biblicalgenderroles.com and a post entitled, Is My Husband Raping Me? Now look, clearly that's one of those questions where the answer can't be no if you're asking it, but that doesn't stop the miserable shit fungus that runs the site from getting it wrong. In response to a reader whose husband, who, in her words, demands sex against her wishes,

even when the intercourse is painful, Mr. Biblical Gender Roles gets it as wrong as you can get it in only two words. Quote, it depends. End quote. No, it doesn't fucking depend. The term sex against her wishes is just a four-word way of saying rape. But that doesn't stop this misanthropic ass crack from carrying on about biblical duties and how long it's been since the couple had consensual sex. He closes his misogynistic screed with this little nugget of brain shit. Quote, a woman who has sex with her husband, even when she does not feel like it, even when her husband is not doing everything he should, is doing exactly what God wants her to do.

End quote. Or as blogger Vicki Garrison paraphrases, quote, marital rape makes Jesus happy, end quote. So with apologies for not leaving you on a happier note, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. Next up in headlines from the Mendangered Species file tonight, Savage Nation radio host and part-time bridge attendant with Riddles, Michael Savage, took some time during a show last week to discuss the obvious connection between transgender citizens of Oregon getting certain types of Medicaid coverage and the nefarious plot by the liberals to achieve equal pay for women by extincting men. Oh, there you go. It's

not exactly practical, but if we did that That would happen, so Automatically this is a less bullshitty conspiracy theory Than most of the Alex Jones stuff, so go Mikey, way to be at best the second Most insane person talking into a microphone On earth So whilst ranting angrily about the

Homo-fascist feminazis that invented The global warming hoax As his want to do. Right, that could be the introduction to any segment of his show ever right there. That'll segue straight to anything, absolutely. So Savage had this to say about the secret godless liberal endgame when it comes to transgender rights. Quote, I bet more boys will become girls than vice versa, and eventually we could become

a whole country of girls, and then girls will finally get equal pay. Because if they can eliminate males, and the nation is all girls in, let's say, 50 years, then everything will be perfect, won't it? End quote. So, what do you think, Noah? First of all, that's just fucking insane.

Where are they going to get the gist? But secondly, every step between now and that would be awesome. Are you trying to scare me by telling me that I'm going to spend the next 50 years with an increasingly rare and sought-after dick? If that wasn't already our plan. I'll bring it up at the next meeting. Exactly. We can't afford to have a transgender gap of course i guess i look because i'm still stuck on the whole thing of where like okay how many medicaid benefits do

i have to get before i would trade my dick i'm not coming up with the amount of medicaid benefits that that would take so there might be a kink in his plan but you know what the hell these people think that like everybody's just dying to have this operation once it's more socially acceptable or something. Paying taxes. Right. Almost stupid not to try out the government-subsidized penis removal program. Exactly. What's the point in paying for it if you're not going to use it? And from the, if this is my thermometer, then where is my butt plug file tonight?

The trial of disgraced Catholic diplomat, and by that I mean disgraced for a Catholic diplomat, Joseph Wesolowski was delayed last week due to a sudden undisclosed illness. Attorneys for the child-fucking-child-fucker didn't identify what the illness was or even what the ailments involved were, but apparently nonspecific sniffles were more than enough to bring the first-ever high-level child sex abuse trial in Vatican history to a screeching halt. It doesn't seem like this should be necessary at all. All he has to do is walk in and then have hundreds of rape victims point at him and

then he leaves, right? How healthy do you have to be? Does he need to be feeling chipper for that? If anything, the victims should have to be in top health condition in the courtroom so they can like point emphatically at him. Right, or can't his giant stash of child porn that they found just stand in for him for a day? Now, this trial has been described as a test case for whether or not the Vatican can successfully adjudicate their child rapists.

And if that's true, I think they're clearly failing in advance. I mean, I would think that just the whole this was public knowledge 30 years ago and you still haven't done anything about it bit would be damning enough. But even if it's not, they're fucking up beyond that. damning enough but even if it's not they're fucking up beyond that yeah if your country's chief export is child molester uh you don't get to be in charge of court cases for child molesters your entire legal system has to like recuse itself from itself on this one that would be the only fair thing now keep in mind too that we're already dealing with this like this case where there's these widely disseminated reports along with photos of Weslowski just wandering around Vatican City during his house arrest. And keep in mind, too, that house arrest is basically the same as cushy priest retirement, except that they take away your child porn, or I guess at least the digital stuff.

And by analog porn, you mean child sex slaves? Oh, yeah. They're leading import, I guess, yeah. And finally tonight, from the delayed reactionary file, during a recent appearance on Newsmax TV, former House of Representatives Majority Leader Tom

DeLay voiced his opposition to the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage, especially considering all the farm animals and little kids that are about to get raped. And yeah, here's how he puts that all together. He tries anyway. DeLay claims to know about a secret memo going around the Justice Department with proposals to legalize 12 new sexual perversions.

Now that gay weddings have paved the way for more sexual perversions. They will include, quote, bestiality, polygamy, and having sex with little boys, end quote. I wonder if sex with little girls wasn't on the list or if DeLay just didn't consider that a perversion. It was weird that he was specific about that. Anyway, Heath and I figured that if we were going to talk perversions, we should bring in an expert. So joining us for this story is stand-up comedian, menstrual blood enthusiast, and semi-professional podcast guest, Nick Morganmore. Nick, welcome to the show, sir. Hello. Welcome to you, too.

Make yourself at home. I am at home, actually. Hello, sir. And just a quick question, though, before we move on about the menstrual blood enthusiasm. Is that about, like, what, the aesthetics of it? Or is it more about, like, yeah, I'm not a father. This is a complete misunderstanding, you see. Like, I don't love menstrual blood.

I hate getting menstrual blood on my dick, but I just love knowing that my girlfriend's not pregnant. So, you know, it ends up still being in the plus column not a father's day yeah okay that's a good awesome uh so now before we dive into the specifics of this story i want to satisfy my base nationalistic urges by asking you about the only subject on which america is more socially progressive than australia so where are you guys in terms of marriage equality there nick oh yeah well actually yeah. Well, actually, good time for me to mention this. In August,

I will be marrying comedian Richie Goodacre. We've been good friends for a while, and we just went through the list. We've got so much in common. We're both straight, male, heterosexual, cis men. We're both white. So obviously, we've got a little struggle

that we can talk about together so we're actually going to tie the knot we're going to get married um as part of the brisbane fringe festival so that's going to be lots of fun and look i've heard some rumblings the church is actually very upset about this they think that a guy in a wheelchair shouldn't marry a guy who's not in a wheelchair they think that that's wrong and i just have to say like fuck them and their bigoted views you know like don't you fucking judge me for like you know wanting to marry somebody who i can stand being around you know and or sit being around whatever there's probably not going to be a lot of fucking going on because like if you you guys haven't seen richie he's in a wheelchair he's all fucked

up he'll die but you know like if happens, I'll inherit the wheelchairs. And, like, honestly, like, you know, you guys know me. You know that, like, anything to not walk. I'm so lazy. That's, like, what it's all about in the end. So, yeah, the government's not going to be happy about it because we're both men and they're a bunch of fucking bigots. And these Christians are going to be upset about it because they can get upset about fucking anything apparently so yeah so now is seriously though is it like legal in some areas and not so much

in other areas there are you or are you even further behind the u.s than that way so much further behind that that's uh for a very small period of time, the Australian capital territory, which is the territory that houses the Australian capital city of Canberra. And also all your prostitutes and drugs and shit. Drugs, explosives, fireworks. That's right, that's right. I had to say it right because Jake said it wrong

when he went on another show, who shall not be mentioned. We have a higher standard for accuracy here, I believe. Yeah, that's right. Higher standard for accuracy than Tom and Cecil is not saying a whole hell of a lot. Leaped right over that bar. Yeah, I think me and Jake accidentally hit that level every week. Anyway, oh, mean.

What was I saying? Yeah, camera. But what happened is it was legalized for a very short amount of time. A number of Australian couples were married, and then the prime minister sued them, took them to the Supreme Court. They looked at the standard definition of marriage, which the previous prime minister had hamstrung through parliament, and it said between a man and a woman, so he annulled all of their marriages.

So, yes. So Australia is almost as progressive as Alabama. That's good to know. And now I've got to tell you, you guys really need to get on your game here because apparently, according to Tom DeLay, we have 12 new legal perversions coming down the pipe. So, I mean, are there any other perversions that Australia is working on legalizing in advance of us or anything that you're aware of?

Have you, like you guys might not have even kept up but like legitimately yeah like legitimately it's fucked so the only other thing that like you guys said that marriage equality is the only thing that you beat us on uh well apparently like we're legitimately miss like and not Mississippi now which is still terrifying by all accounts but like Mississippi when it was bad not good Mississippi if you're a brown person and you're on your way to Australia and you're in a boat

then the Australian Navy is going to arrest you without charge and transport you to a concentration camp where if your kids get molested by the guards which has happened and there's been rapes sexual assaults attacks on children uh repeatedly documented by the human rights commission if you're an australian official you can't comment on it you can't blow the whistle about what's happening uh they've essentially um yeah protected uh child abusers in these prisons because their their official line is that they won't

uh comment or that the government ministers are saying well we won't comment on an ongoing operation it's like well if that fucking operation as has been documented involves raping kids fuck you for that you're doing all of this with our money and our name and like right fucking australia used to have a little bit of high standing we used remember when the australian guy used to be the drunk guy remember when the australian guy used to be the handsome guy at the party like now we're walking in like americans just after george bush like announced that you guys had won a war that you've been fighting for 10 years and we'll go on to continue fighting till present day like that's the level that australians have now reached thanks to our fucking prime

minister wow this took such a dark turn i was just trying to set you up for some kind of new zealand sheep fucking joke here and you turned it into actual, like, raping of brown children. That's pretty horrible. Yeah. But I do want to say, if they ever legalize Australian bestiality, you would have to be such a badass to be an Australian bestial. I mean, like, basically all your animals have, like, fangs or poison or chlamydia. Have you seen how fast kangaroos can go?

Yeah, right? And that's, like, for an Australian animal, that's probably an easy lay, a kangaroo. I mean, you know. And like, just between you and me, the name, box jellyfish, very deceiving. Did you learn that the hard way? One of the mistakes you only make once right there. Yeah, horrifyingly. So let's turn to this here, Revelation by Tom DeLay.

Now, for the record, I don't know if you know the name, but if you're not aware, Tom DeLay isn't just some Christian ass crack that we found on YouTube. This guy served as the House Majority Leader for several years. He's like, that was like top 20 most powerful people in our country, and he knows a secret we got uh 12 perversions i don't know if perversion is the technical legal term or if he was just paraphrasing there but he says he found a secret memo i'd love to know what the hell that

memo looked like it's like just like a note scrawled on there it says like hey guys we came up with 12 anything else you want to legally fuck while we're at it or something that's going around the office? How did they decide on 12? We're going to want a baker's dozen of versions. Gay weddings plus 12 more equally horrible things. Butt sex with animals. Okay, that's one. Small children's two. Ten more.

What if we only go with five or six? Ten more. I'm just for a sec wondering if this guy is, like, getting to the stage where he's a bit senile. And he's just like been checking through his drawers. And he's like, where's them secret documents? And he gets down to the bottom floor. And there's like just the filthiest porn that you've ever seen in your life. And he's been flanking to this film for the past 25 years.

It's on a fucking VHS. Like when VHS first came came out every time he gets new offers he's like i don't want the dvd i want the vhs and the only reason is this fucking filthy spank tape and he gets down to it and he's like it completely forgets that he's been jacking off to this for 25 years and he's's like, it's the secret document. All right, well, I got to say, I'm pretty excited for the campaign that's going to be coming up to get your perversion into the 12. So I think we're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Advertising slogans for legalizing sexual perversions.

Go. All right, I like it. You should see these coming soon. All right, all right, I'll start us off. Advertising slogans for legalizing sexual perversions Go Alright, I like it You should see these coming soon Alright, alright, I'll start us off How about public masturbation? Since when are you guys against open carry? Yeah, well, that's a good one How about bestiality?

Everyone and their dog are playing The bandwagon effect, I like it It's well done What about tossing the salad? Less filling, tastes great. Oh, that gives me a good one. How about oral epiphyllia? Eat fresh.

I just figured Jared's looking for a job anyway. He's got some experience there, as I understand it. It's my first Jared joke. It's been too long. Yeah, well, he's back in the news now, isn't he? Speaking of, ass fisting. Don't be so uptight about it loosen up all right how about incest slowing the extinction of white people since

genesis or or bukkake the carpooling of protein facials yeah or felching bring your own straw because hygiene is obviously important to you. Oh, gross. I'm not going to use your felching straw. All right. What about dog felching? Strawman's best friend. Wow.

How about fluffy hamster? Cheaper than a colonic. Yeah. Give him a GoPro. You got a colonoscopy right there yeah or try our new guinea pig model for that lived in fisted rectum we can combine the rectum fisting one and the hamster that's what i'm saying you gotta be careful you gotta be careful man get a roll of duct tape in case it splits you'll get it anyway exhibitionism exhibitionism not just fucking in our galleries but i guess that

too if there's a crowd excellent well played sir how about um about bestial marriage equality yak wives matter we're literally mammals that do it on the Discovery Channel Yeah, fucking A, where there's a song about us and everything Yep, exactly And going on from there Necrophilia, one of you will enjoy it The other one will just lie there and take it So actually not that different to traditional marriage

Wow By the way, do you think Do you think necrophiles are judgmental about the pedophiles within their group? Like, dude, dude, that corpse was only 15 years old. What the fuck, man? I wonder if that's a thing. She died in 1987. The three years since don't count.

That's not how. That doesn't make her 18, exactly. Is everybody tapped out? Because I've got two more. Oh, go right ahead. Go right ahead. He's an overachiever. Okay.

Coprophilia. Not fucking a cop. Actually getting shit smeared on you. So pretty much the same as any interaction with a cop lady. Not saying Ferguson happened for this reason. I'm just saying that it happened for a reason. Send your emails to Nick Morgan Moore

at wherever the hell he has his email you get shit smeared on you you'll throw a fucking riot that's what I'm saying if it happens enough like systemically generationally exactly sometimes it takes a few generations

just to finish us off gargling menstrual blood because you can't gargle sand. Save the menstrual blood for last. I love it. So, Nick, before we let you go, if our listeners wanted to hear more from you, track your whereabouts, learn your turn-ons, turns-off, et cetera, where might they go?

Okay, I've actually got a good list up. Right, so I am Nick Morgan Moore. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel. You can follow me on Twitter, and you can like my Facebook comedian page all under Nick Morgan Moore. That's my name. Additionally, if you like the sound of my

voice and some of the ideas coming out of it, you can listen to the imaginary friend show, Dote Comb Podcase, the one true podcast on science, skepticism, and a bunch of other crap that Jake comes up with on the fly. Oh, by the way, guys,

Jake says hi. He wishes he could be here, except you've never invited him. Yeah, right. Other than that, though. And finally, finally, I have a brand new podcast coming out this week. It's going to be a long-running series. It's called Good Advice.

It's basically a rip of a morning show. It's my comedy contribution to the world at the moment. That and doing stand-up all over the place and doing a fringe show, but basically being a massive baller. But a humble one. Doing my best. Right on, right on. We'll have many, if not all, of those things linked on the show notes

for this episode, of course. Absolutely. Cheers. And thank you very much for lending us all your perversion expertise. I guess that's going to wrap up headlines for this week. So, Heath, thanks as always. Jumanji! And when we come back, Bryce Blankenagle from the Naked Mormonism podcast will be here to talk about what's going on beneath the magic underwear.

And, word of warning, I conducted this interview before we upgraded the mics and everything, so there's going to be a brief hiatus on our new and improved sound quality. If you know anything at all about Mormonism, it's almost certainly some really crazy shit. After all, as Newton demonstrated with his third law of motion, a group cannot simultaneously be known for magic underwear and sane stuff. But I'm willing to bet that even if you know a lot of crazy shit about the Mormons, you only know the tip of the iceberg. You see, as I'm fast learning, thanks to the Naked Mormonism podcast,

there are more layers of lunacy underlying that church than a sane person could possibly imagine. So to give us a little taste of the crazy, I've invited that show's host, Bryce Blankenagel, to tell us about one of the most significant moments in that church's history, the death of its founder. Bryce, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me, Noah. You bet, you bet. Okay, so now before we get to Joseph Smith, tell me a little bit about your show. In a nutshell, what is Naked Mormonism? So Naked Mormonism is basically just a show taking on the history of the Mormon church. I try and rely heavily on quotes from people that

were there and try and advance the storyline in a basic chronological format, starting from Joseph at a young age, advancing slowly as we progress through episodes, up to the release of the Book of Mormon and the beginning of the church and so on and so forth. Okay, so now are you aiming this show at Mormon believers or at maybe like the apathetic half-ass Mormon? Or are you just arming atheists with this knowledge? Who's the show for? What are your goals? Honestly, I didn't really start the show. Stupidly, I didn't start the show with a target audience. I just kind of created it for whoever the hell wanted

to listen to it and wanted to know more about naked history of the Mormon church. So I do it from basically, not to bum the term, but a scathing atheist perspective. I try and add in as many rants and cuss words that I can and get into my own feelings of what happened and how I feel like the church has wronged me in the past without it being too heavy-handed in the narrative. And I kind of wanted to just appeal to the atheist crowd so they can have this knowledge, so they can debate a couple of missionaries riding bicycles down their neighborhood street. Oh, I'm dying to see one now. I am dying to see one. Me too. I haven't met a single one since I started yet. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, right.

And I got to say, what really impresses me about the show is that you do a very deep dive. You talk about the original sources. You talk about what points the apologists like to throw out, et cetera. And okay, so let's move on. We'll kind of give a little taste of your show to our audience. Now, I would imagine that most of us, you know, know about at least the basics of the story of Joseph Smith and his bullshit golden plates. But if you don't mind, give us a bit of an overview of the pertinent story between the start of the church and that fateful day in 1844. So they started up in Fayette, New York, and that's where Joe started his original church on April 6, 1830. Very soon after that, moved to a place called Kirtland,

Ohio. So after a fair amount of persecution from the locals there, everybody, all the Mormon congregation, which was almost a thousand people at that time, packed up and moved to a town called Far West Missouri. So upon arriving there, Joe was given or gave or came up with revelations that would guarantee that Missouri was the place that Mormons would have their free theocratic reign of the area. So now this is where the whole Garden of Eden being in Missouri thing comes from? That is correct, yes. That's how it all started out in Jackson County, Missouri.

That's amazing. Just two states over. It's just two states over, guys. The Garden of Eden right over there. Okay, I love it. Yes, it's great. So that's why the Mormon church owns more property in Missouri than the state of Missouri itself nowadays.

Oh, wow. Yeah, they're getting ready for it. Well, okay, they're going to need it after the rapture. I got you. Right, exactly. So the Mormons had kind of taken to telling people that were living in Missouri before them that this was the land promised to the Mormons by God. And, of course, God was giving them control of the region.

Yeah, right. Well, this is barely half a century since America had been liberated from British control. half a century since America had been liberated from British control. And of course, the people were still understandably scared of somebody like Joe coming along and establishing his own theocratic kingdom. Right. So the Missourians kind of just drove the Mormons out. I mean, literally torch and pitchfork, they chased them all out of there. So Joe and his brother Hiram Smith were actually captured during this chasing out, and they were taken to a place called Liberty Jail in Missouri.

Okay, and obviously we don't have time to get into all of his exploits, but this was not Joe's first trip to a jail. No, not his first and definitely not his last. So Joe and Hiram escaped from Liberty Jail, literally escaped, And they ended up rejoining with the Mormons in Quincy. Well, Quincy wasn't big enough to accommodate this burgeoning cult and all the people that were moving in. So Joe and Hiram decided to move everybody 50 miles north along the Mississippi to a town that they called Nauvoo, Illinois. Mississippi to a town that they called Nauvoo, Illinois. And this is where Joe went completely apeshit and kind of embodied the theocrat that he'd always dreamed of becoming. Oh, okay. Now, so I've been listening to your show up through the first 20 episodes. And for you to say this is when he went ape, I mean, he was pretty apeshit before this as well. So

what kind of control was he taking here? So some of the things that Joe was doing there, this town had its own bank that ended up going bankrupt, and it had its own proprietary notes. There was a library there, a bar. There was a communistic-like supply storehouse that was referred to as the Bishop's Storehouse. There was actually a brothel there. They had their own newspaper. Wait, the Mormons had their own brothel? Yes, their own brothel. The name of it eludes historians.

I'm not sure if anybody knows what the name of it was, but they had their own brothel there. When we get Heath back on, we'll put 30 seconds on the clock for that, a Mormon brothel. He'll be good at that. I can't wait. That's fantastic. So beyond that that they had their

own newspaper which was called the times and seasons and then most importantly of all they joe had his own armed forces that were called the navoo legion he had an army he had an army not not a little army so to get some sort of idea of the perspective here, by 1844, the year that Joe died in Carthage, the population of Nauvoo rivaled that of Chicago, which was obviously the biggest city and still is in Illinois. And that was around 20,000 people at that time. And it was just exclusively Mormons in navoo so the navoo legion was somewhere between five and seven thousand men strong whereas the entire united states armed forces was less than nine thousand so honestly when i say that joe was king shit he was the theocratic king of his own little kingdom with armed forces and all wow and basically his own money so you are not using theocrat in a hyperbolic sense here.

No. He was literally trying to create his own government, his own theocratic government in Illinois. just so he could be king of it. But, I mean, right before his death, he actually held the title of prophet and president of the church, then mayor of Nauvoo, and then he liked to be referred to as General Smith. Of course he did. Not necessarily prophet, but then he signed letters as lieutenant general of the Nauvoo Legion.

Oh, he got promoted there. Okay. All right. Then he was a U.S. presidential candidate. And then he was ordained as king over the House of Israel forever by his secret council of 50 in April of 1844. And he died in June. Wow. Okay.

So if he had gone beyond June, we would have had even better titles than i'm sorry what was it king over the house of israel yes and that was just one quote there's other quotes from other people that were in this secret little council that called him king of the nation king of all rulers called he was ordained as the king of kings in the united states i mean does it make any sense why people were afraid of this guy yeah no kidding so i mean joe was kind of just this polyandrous cult leader slash theocratic dictator that was literally setting himself up to take over the united states and honestly if he wanted to do so by military force, he probably could have made a hell of an effort at it. I mean, if he didn't succeed outright. Well, this leads us to why he was in Carthage jail in the first place. All right. And from what I know of Joseph Smith,

I'm betting this at least somehow involves him wanting to fuck somebody's wife. Correct. You are correct. All right. Awesome. Amazing. So so beginning here there are a few characters we need to introduce these characters here are william law and jane law husband and wife okay joe wanted to fuck jane and emma joe's wife wanted to fuck william so neither william nor jane liked this idea very much i can't figure out why. So they decided to leave the church and they took a whole bunch of polygamy related incriminating documents with them. So when William attempted to print these documents and expose Joe and the child fucking polygamy ring, Joe and his buddies decided to blow up Law's printing press. This is the actual order from Joe to the city marshal of Nauvoo to destroy the press,

and it marks Joe's undoing in just one little paragraph. Quote, You are here commanded to destroy the printing press from whence issues the Nauvoo expositor and pie the type of said printing establishment in the street and burn all the expositors and libelous handbills found in said establishment. And if resistance be offered to your execution of this order by the owners or others, of the city arrest those who threaten you and fail not to execute this order without delay and make due return here on. So let it be written. So let it be done. So yeah,

that's all. That's exactly what it is. Joe told the Marshall of the city to go fuck up the press, destroy the equipment inside and burn the remaining of thehal of the city to go fuck up the press, destroy the equipment inside, and burn the remaining of the copies of the newspaper in the middle of the street in the dead of night. Apparently not knowing that mayor of Nauvoo doesn't outrank all three branches of the federal government and the constitution combined, I guess.

I don't think that mattered to Joe whatsoever. So destroying a printing press was considered an act of tyranny, of course, in direct violation of the First Amendment. Not only that, but a lot of people in Illinois were really pissed off about it. A lot of members of the church that were dissenters had cobbled together with the other break-off factions in the area to demand resolution for this act of tyranny and oppression. Sounds fair. Yeah. Well, out of fear for his own life, of course, Joe declared martial law in Nauvoo and had the Nauvoo Legion roam the streets

armed and ready for a fight, should anybody make an attempt on his life. This was like trying to put a fire out with kerosene, and it really just pissed off more people and created more dissenters and more fear i can only imagine holy shit yeah right martial law he was the governor and the or sorry he was the general and the mayor and the king yeah and he declared martial law on these people for something that he did because he was afraid of rioting or people trying to kill him or whatever so then we have

on june 12th 1844 a guy named david bettisworth arrested joe with a writ of indictment that was written by thomas morrison who was a judge in illinois at the time joe was pretty pissed off about being arrested so he petitioned governor thomas ford with a writ of habeas corpus asking to be let off the hook until he could be properly charged and tried. For whatever reason, this Governor Ford complied and Joe and Hiram took off running after, of course, the arresting officer let him go. So what ended up happening was Emma Smith, Joe's wife, wasn't a big fan of how many times Joe had eluded the legal system. So she sent Joe's childhood friend, Oren Porter Rockwell, with a letter to give to Joe, urging him to return and face the music. So Joe ended up reading Emma's letter and replied to them, quote, If my life is of no value to my friends, it is of none to myself, end quote.

This letter from Emma and the words of Rockwell, Kuhn, and his brother Hiram Smith convinced Joe to return to Carthage and turn himself in. So Joe knew that he had fucked up in the situation, and he had to stand by his own pile of shit and own up to the smell. He also knew how much the people of Illinois hated him. So he was certain this would be the death of him and his fellow Mormon brothers. So let's go to the jail scene itself. All right. So it's a Joe and Hiram. Now who else gets arrested with him? So we have John Taylor and then we have huge fat ass Willard Richards. Um, they were all responsible just by association for blowing up the press on June 7th, 1844. They all ended up turning themselves in

under Hiram's request and this leads us to the day of June 27th, 1844, the Day of Reckoning. The jail wasn't like how we picture jails today. Basically, it was just a two-story house in the middle of Carthage, Illinois, with three different rooms for prisoners. So the four men, when they were first brought to the jail, had started in the upstairs dungeon, it was called, which was just a dark room with no windows and a deadbolt on the outside of the door. bolt on the outside of the door. After good behavior, they had moved to the main floor jail cell, which kind of looked like the living room of a house, but the windows had bars on them and they couldn't be opened. Well, the men were fearing for their life that assailants might come to the windows and just shoot them like rats in a cage. So after a few days of good behavior in that room, the men were moved to the upstairs jail cell, which was basically just a large bedroom with a couple of beds, chairs, and a desk. The windows didn't even

have bars on them, and they could be open to allow some airflow through the room, which of course was appreciated for June in Illinois. The door to the room was also in ill repair, and it wouldn't even latch shut. The only thing keeping the men in the house at this point were the downstairs jail guards and the lock on the front door to the jail house. But respectively, the only thing keeping out the assailants were the jail guards and the lock on the front door, which was only latched during night hours. Oh, wow. So during this imprisonment time, a few of Joe's little minions had been given permission

to visit Joe for the purposes of tending to their food, tobacco, and wine needs and relaying letters to the church in Nauvoo. Okay, now I know this is kind of minor at this point compared to all the other crazy shit that Joseph Smith has done so far, but I find it hilarious that the founder of Mormonism is sitting in a prison, smoking a pipe and getting drunk. You know, it's, it's something that isn't really talked about in the real history. Um,

or sorry, in the reported history of the church, they, uh, for some reason they kind of omit those details. Can't figure out why. So one of these guys that was granted permission was a guy named Cyrus Wheelock. And this is another quote from the history of the

church volume 7 page 100 recounted by john taylor quote elder cyrus h wheelock came in to see us and when he was about leaving drew a small pistol a six shooter from his pocket remarking at the same time would any of you like to have this brother joseph immediately replied yes give it to me whereupon he took the pistol and put it in his pantaloons pocket after taking this pistol from wheelock joe gave a derringer that he had to his brother hyrum saying you may have use for this end quote this is a hell of a jail they got going here. It's not like they didn't bake it into a cake here or anything. And the idea of it is just kind of ridiculous. Hey, we know that a big mob is probably going to come and kill you.

Do you want a single six-shooter pistol? It might help. And six bullets, yeah. So the day slowly commenced with multiple confirmed death threats on joe's life joe gave willard richards a dollar to give to the jailer in order to bring some wine pipes and two papers of tobacco to the cell the jailer obliged and just as joe and friends took their first drinks of wine they heard a rustling downstairs there was a loud cry for surrender and four shots fired indoors to intimidate the jail guards. They bailed and the prisoners were left to the mercy of the mob that

had gathered outside and at the bottom of the steps leading up to the second floor jail cell. Hiram ran for his pistol and John Taylor and Willard Richards both grabbed their canes. I feel like there should be some ominous music that plays at this point. Okay, so now i hate to say this since we're just getting to the tarantino-y bits but we're way out of time here and this sounds like a perfect spot for it to be continued so so what say you stick around and then through the temporal magic of podcasting we do the second half of this story next week oh that sounds good to me yeah absolutely thanks for having me on this week i appreciate it awesome awesome well thanks for wetting our appetites. I'm going to give it a quick hard sell here. Will Joseph Smith and his pals shoot their way out? Will God intervene

and save his beloved prophet? Will the My Little Ponies arrive in time to rescue them? No, but find out what does happen next week in the exciting conclusion of the Bryce Blankenagle interview. Before we ski daddled tonight i wanted to thank all our patreon donors for kicking in on some new equipment over the last month you're hearing us through new and much higher quality mics and mixers this time around we're going to be making a few more improvements to our studio

over the next few weeks so hopefully you'll hear a continued improvement huge thanks to everybody who a made that possible and b was patient with us while we did all the research and shopping around and all the other stuff that we had to do eventually i'm going to figure out what all the buttons and shit on this mixer do and when i do i'll thank you and flange and arena echo and shit anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but we're back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a new episode of the skeptocrat which makes its triumphant return on monday at 8 a.m eastern time might talk about donald trump a bit. Who knows? Obviously, the outro just can't move into Phase 2

until I thank Heath Enright for being the best damn buddy a guy ever had. Need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for being the best damn wife a guy ever had. And I need to thank Nick Morganmore for being the best damn menstrual blood enthusiast a guy ever had. Also want to toss out another huge thanks to Bryce Blankenagle. His podcast, Naked Mormonism, comes highly recommended. If you enjoy serial history podcasts as much as me, trust me, there are few historical stories with more meat than the one he's tackling. If you want to trust but verify all of those claims, you'll find a link for his show on the show notes. Also need to thank Mark Traphagen of the Traphagen Takeout Orders podcast for providing both this week's Farnsworth quote and the mental image of a filthy monkey marketing department.

If you've got an interest in marketing and you'd like to check out his show, you can find it on iTunes, Stitcher, SoundCloud, or, of course, link to the show notes for episode 126 at scathingatheist.com. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Farron, Curtis, David, Brian, Scott, Faye, Kellen, Lynn, Radha, Micah, Justin, Goffin, Sprites, Parent, Lee, Will, Hans, and Paul. Farron, Curtis, David, Brian, and Scott, whose erections would have been happy to take pictures of Pluto if anybody had just asked. Faye, Kellen, Lynn, Radha, and Micah, who are so sexy their very presence is technically classified as foreplay.

And Justin Goffinsprite's parent, Lee, Will, Hans, and Paul, who speak softly but carry a big dick. Together, these 15 feloniously fuckable freethinkers forewent a fraction of their funds to facilitate the furtherance of our fight against faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the jousting and or broadsword skills it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, and if you do so, you'll get an extended version of every episode before they're released to everybody else, or

you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage, and you don't get any extra stuff, but I'll still compliment your sexy bits. And if you'd like to help with the thought of everybody knowing how impressive your dick and or pussy is terrifies you, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes

sharing the show with a friend or shouting Jumanji at random strangers if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com

all the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes I did have my permission joining me for flabbity-dabbity slip-slop-divity oh we already did that sorry line flabbity come in on the flabbities you're supposed to come in on the flabbities