Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 134 - Napoleon MF'n Bonaparte!

Starting point is 00:00:00 Legendary French Emperor Napoleon, mother fucking Bonaparte. That is the man we're talking about today. An important historical figure who knew he would be an important historical figure. He once wrote, histories a set of lies that people have agreed upon. Even when I am gone, I shall remain in people's minds, the star of their rights, my name will be the war cry of their efforts, the motto of their hopes. Dude had no shortage of confidence,

Starting point is 00:00:26 which is part of why he became the namesake of the Napoleon complex. A complex characterized by overly aggressive or domineering social behavior, carries the implication that such behavior is compensatory for the subject's stature. Nailed that word! That complex is also known as Little Man Syndrome and Short Man's Complex and Little Fella Baby

Starting point is 00:00:48 Feed Affliction. I did make up that last one, but ironically Napoleon was not short, more on that later. Short taller average the dude left his mark on the history books in a big way. As a military commander, Napoleon fought in one more battles and almost anyone else in history. His campaigns are still studied in military academies today. He was a strategic genius. He also helped discover the Rosetta Stone

Starting point is 00:01:11 and he was directly responsible for doubling the size of the United States. Bonaparte even came up with the system of odd addresses on one side of the street and even addresses on the other. Napoleon's life is actually so well documented. It seems that only God has more books written about him than Napoleon. But with all this coverage, there's come a great deal of divisiveness. Should he be remembered as good or evil? Napoleon might best be remembered for his temperament.

Starting point is 00:01:36 He was arrogant and cruel, but also incredibly charismatic and able to inspire both his troops and the imaginations of his followers. He had a gift for leadership. And despite the vast amount of literature dedicated to Napoleon, the former emperor's life is shrouded myth, mostly because his many, many enemies didn't want to give him credit for his victories, and also because Napoleon himself was a shrewd propagandist who loved to minimize his failures. He was always mindful of his legacy, understood the power of myth-building.

Starting point is 00:02:04 He would write and publish articles about himself that were sometimes the exact opposite of what had historically happened. He believed his destiny was to be a God king and fuck the haters. Dude would crush it today on social media. He knew how to fake it, tell you make it, how to control the narrative, how to control perception in order to project the reality that you want to be known for. For this very French suck, we're going to look at the many reasons why Napoleon is still a household name across the globe over 200 years after his death.

Starting point is 00:02:32 Napoleon is sometimes called the father of modern Europe. He streamlined legal codes across the continent, shook up politics, fought for religious tolerance, reshaped the world, and his life is our folks today on this historical European edition of TimeSuck. Happy Monday, TimeSuckers, you glorious meat sacks! Thanks for attending this week's gathering of the cold to the curious. Do you have your robes on? You get your ceremonial swords in hand? Have you made your sacrifice to Nimrod?

Starting point is 00:03:10 Pray to Lucifina to be spared her tricks and helped instead of harmed? Have you left out a bowl of good boy treats for both jangles, praise him. Okay, good. Set your background music to triple em, y'all rock, relax, and get ready. I'm Dan Comets, the master sucker,

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Starting point is 00:04:05 That was really cool. Thanks to everyone who has rated and reviewed the Suck this past week, almost 7,000 reviews. Appreciate you taking the time to do that. Very, very much. I know we're all busy and sometimes it truly is hard to find the time, or to remember, to leave a rating, or write a review for what you like. I'm bad about it myself. Most of us balancing a lot of stuff, a lot of pots on the stove to make life work in 2019 for many of us, but I appreciate it. A lot of new listeners coming in from a lot of other places. And based on recent reviews, the main theme of the negative ones that do come in,

Starting point is 00:04:38 which thankfully aren't nearly as much as the positive ones, is that some of you wished this podcast wasn't comedic. I don't normally like to address the negative stuff, but I want to address this one because it keeps coming out for the past few months. I get it. You want the info that we're providing, but you don't think I'm funny, which is totally your right.

Starting point is 00:04:54 Well, don't worry, this is pretty cool. I have come up with a way for you to enjoy the time you spend podcasting and not have to listen to my attempts at jokes. Here's what you can do. You can go fuck off and you can listen to something else. Do you see how that works? There's plenty of other shit out there.

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Starting point is 00:05:29 moron. Look at the other reviews, thousands of star reviews, people who clearly enjoy the humor you do not. And yet you still think, huh, maybe if I send this message, he'll change his complete approach to life in general. get out of here captain kill joy fucking weirdo Hail nirrod. I feel good. I feel good. I feel like I needed to get that on my system this week. I like it Forgot to include a go-fun me like we'd like I said Oh, that's what I forgot not the other thing. I forget what I forgot Forgot to include the go-fun me last week in the episode description. It is in there now for a father named Michael in the UK who found that he had stage for a colon cancer weeks before the birth of his baby.

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Starting point is 00:06:30 You don't know, which is one of the most beautiful things that happens with our community here. And speaking of community, I had an amazing time in Cleveland this past weekend at Hilarities Comedy Club. Thanks to all of you for showing up with the live suck, the stand-up shows, huge thanks to Kate and Logan from Access to Parallel

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Starting point is 00:07:00 Thank, or Time Suck podcast. Thanks everyone for being so cool to my wife, Lindsey, Queen of the suck, popped in at the end of the live suck, helps sell merch all weekend. She'll be with me again in Nashville this weekend for the live and Hill kids suck happened there. Also, access to peril will be back with us in Zany's in Nashville, part of the National Comedy Festival in Sunday. Bless to be working with great people and have great fans.

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Starting point is 00:07:38 but you listen anyway and you like it and you say nice things after the show because you're beautiful tolerant people. So thank you for being you. Heading to Des Moines, Iowa. One night only this Thursday, April 11th to meet more of you. Gonna be a nice full show. Gonna be in Kansas City, Missouri this weekend.

Starting point is 00:07:53 Some shows already sold out. Gonna see my buddy Johnny Dare, April 12th and 13th. On to the Texas Deeter in Dallas, April 26th. Bring my son Kyler on the road for the first time. Bring him to Houston on the 27th for the Seeker Group. Yeah, we just added that second show. Man, sweet tea, barbecue, my son Kyler on the road for the first time, bringing him to Houston, the 27th for the Seeker group. We just added that second show, man, sweet tea, barbecue, my son's going to be a fun fucking road trip. Off to San Francisco, Boston, Spokane, Jacksonville, much more after Texas, more info, Dan Cummins.tv,

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Starting point is 00:08:50 That's it. Now let's get historical. Let's get French. Let's get ambitious. Let's tackle the man, the myth, the legend that was Napoleon, mother fucking Bonaparte. What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what All I thought I knew about Napoleon before this episode was that he was really short, pretty angry about it. Dressed like Prince, uh, Prince, he dressed like Prince.

Starting point is 00:09:14 You know, you know, you know, Prince, now he dressed like Prince and, uh, and was a French dictator who fought a lot. Part of him wants to say that he traveled through time and a phone booth to eat ice cream and go to a mall in California, but that part of me should best be ignored. Did you know, by the way, that it was just announced a few weeks ago that Bill and Ted III is being written right now. It's supposed to be filmed this summer.

Starting point is 00:09:34 It'll star, original stars, Alex Winters and Kiano Reeves, and everything works out. It's gonna hit the theaters in the summer of 2020. And Bill and Ted's excellent venture came out in 1989, 30 years ago, holy shit. And Kenu Reeves, he's 71 years old now. It's fucking bananas to me. Cause it's not true, he's 54.

Starting point is 00:09:55 Time flies though. And they're not a sponsor, but they should be. But they probably won't be, cause there's a very good chance that movie is going to be absolutely terrible, right? Let's be honest. Whoa, whoa dude. I don't know if that's going to play at 54.

Starting point is 00:10:08 Anyway, Napoleon, stay focused, come, it's Bonaparte rightly or wrongly compared to other tyrants. And that light he's viewed as kind of a Hitler-esque kind of sociopath. He declared himself kind of a God king more times and then you would like to see in a humble, well-adjusted man of the people type ruler. Napoleon preferred to think that he was, he was following in the footsteps of Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, other guys who were,

Starting point is 00:10:31 who were a little light on humility, two other guys who would make great sucks, by the way. Regardless of whether you think he was evil or think he was a hero or some mixture of both, which is usually where we find the truth, his historical significance cannot be overstated. usually where we find the truth, his historical significance cannot be overstated. We're going to follow the timeline of his life and achievements for the most part, but

Starting point is 00:10:49 we will take some time to delve into his romances, the French Revolution, how his battle with Haiti completely altered the trajectory of our world. The point is, is a crazy example of what one single person can do in a lifetime. Really mind-blowing, if you focus on that aspect in this story, one person born like anyone else, one soul trapped in the same fragile meat sex skin as the rest of us who wasn't preordained for greatness, the universe didn't tap him on the shoulder

Starting point is 00:11:17 when he was a kid, like you, all you gotta do is coast, bro, you're just gonna fucking dominate. Nope, you know what I mean? And then he let a life that would significantly change the lives of millions and millions and millions of people, so fascinating. The people who had so many instances could have just given up, could have stopped when things got really tough

Starting point is 00:11:34 or just never started in the first place, but they didn't. They just kept making shit happen, just force of will, right? Forces of nature disguised as everyday people. Napoleon lived during a tumultuous time when Europeans were murdering each other for liberty, committing coups, fighting with the church, and in France, quite literally chopping a lot of people's heads off.

Starting point is 00:11:53 Viva la revolution! And he somehow kept his own head on his shoulders despite fighting, fighting, fighting, fighting, and fighting some more. Now let's hop into our time suck timeline and see how lazy we will all feel about what we've accomplished by comparison at the end of this episode. Fuckin Napoleon. Shrap on those boots soldier.

Starting point is 00:12:15 We're marching down a time suck timeline. And Napoleon was born Napoleon de Guinopan. Napoleon was born Napoleon de Guinopá. August 15, 1769 and a Yacha, Corsica. It was the fourth of 11 children of Carlo Bonaparte and Latizia Romalino. Just three months before Napoleon's birth. Actually, you know what? I say fourth of 11. I think it was actually eight kids. for Napoleon's birth. Actually, you know what, I say fourth of a love,

Starting point is 00:12:45 I think it was actually eight kids. So I'm gonna, there's a lot of conflicting sources. So pause on the eleventh, perhaps eight, that it's gonna come up in a little bit and go with what I'm gonna say here soon. Just three months before Napoleon's birth, the French had annexed Corsica with military force, and then his father, a member of a noble Italian family,

Starting point is 00:13:04 which I think is interesting, right? I didn't know that about Napoleon, but a member of a noble Italian family, which I think is interesting. I didn't know that about Napoleon, but he actually has like a Italian heritage as opposed to French, really, when you get down to it. His father remained on good terms with the French when they took over Corsica and Napoleon would describe his entrance into the world this way. I enter the earth by way of my mother's vagina, I was so full-cattered. My face was 12 for a time and my mother's body,

Starting point is 00:13:28 but then I did not dry my mother's nibble, was placed in my mouth and I slept upon it all the way. And I thought I was with my mother's nibble. Now, he didn't talk like that. I don't know how he talked. It made me so happy if he did. He said I was born in Corsica, or I was born when Corsica was perishing. 30,000 Frenchmen spewed onto our shores, drowning the throne of liberty and waves of blood,

Starting point is 00:13:52 the cries of the dine, the groans of the oppressed and tears of despair surrounded my cradle from the hour of my birth. No short on drama this guy. Old Napoleon drama pants. Napoleon's parents, Carlo and Latissia, they were considered minor aristocrats. They owned multiple homes. They dressed like silly hat wearin' assholes,

Starting point is 00:14:12 which was customary at the time. They looked like uncomfortable powder dolls. The prep time for leaving the house back then must have been insane. Multiple clothing layers, wigs, makeup, a lot of time spent in the mirror, practicing looking snooty and above everything. Napoleon's parents looked bougie,

Starting point is 00:14:28 but they actually weren't that wealthy with eight kids that, Bonaparte family struggled to keep up appearances. The struggle helped develop Napoleon's ideals about meritocracy. Let the path be opened to talent, you would say. It's a pinnacle of his power. I do love that thought, a meritocracy,

Starting point is 00:14:45 very hard to actually implement. But theoretically, I think the best way to run a country or run a business, right, let each employment position be filled by the most talented applicant. I'm not sure, Napoleon actually did that. Well, look at that later. He seemed to go on to create more of a who is kiss my ass. The hot uh... all the city uh... but i like the thoughts uh... course to go is an impoverished island nation well before the french took over slow-cated in the metatroning between italy and france with the population between a hundred and two hundred and uh... hundred thousand

Starting point is 00:15:15 and hundred and twenty thousand inhabitants uh... court court court court had seen their fair share of invading armies excuse me over the centuries of from and Moors to Genoese, the Corsicans had fought many battles and they'd won a lot of them. But France had developed into one of the world's most modern armies and the Corsicans were easily brought under the French flag in 1769, again the year of Napoleon's birth. Prior to the French takeover, Corsica had enjoyed a brief 14 years of independence after seceding from the Republic of Genoa and an independent nation primarily located in the northwestern Italian peninsula is coast.

Starting point is 00:15:52 Prior to Genoese rule, Korsica had belonged to the Carthidines, Carthaginians, I think is how you say that. Romans Greeks and others during this long, long history of human civilization. According to the ancient 5th century BCE Greek historian Herodotus, the world's original historian, at least to what we know about, the Phoenicians originally settled the island sometime prior to the 5th century BCE. So a lot of people have been there for a long time. After the French take over the island, many Corsican rebels who identified more as Italian

Starting point is 00:16:22 than French fled to the mountains where they would continue to fight on for years against French occupation. Napoleon's parents did not join that fight. When the time came for them to fight or submit Napoleon's father decided he was best suited for a simulation with the new French rulers. He put on, you know, some of their sweet powdered wigs, put on some silver buckle shoes, eight their cheeses, drank their wine, uh... nipoli never forgave his father he considered his father's decision of betrayal uh... to the course of people

Starting point is 00:16:49 which is pretty ironic i think for one of the greatest french nationalists in history to be mad at his dad for bowing down to the french but you know nipoli was course in first uh... frenchman second uh... he'll be really really let friends when he was running it uh... nipoli and dad was born march twenty nine 1746 in Ayacco, Corsica in 1764, Carlo married Latizia and after getting a law degree from the University of Pisa, he would go on to practice law and be elected to the Corsica in assembly.

Starting point is 00:17:18 He would be an assessor to the Royal Court for a Yacht show, still the biggest city on the island, was about 70,000 people. And Carlo dreamed big for his kids. He put a lot of ambition at children. He was his dream that his kids would be recognized as nobles in the French system. Many years later, when Napoleon was crowning himself,

Starting point is 00:17:36 the first emperor of France had seen a millennium. He did say to his brother, Joseph Bonaparte, if only our father could see us now. And he said probably some French equivalent of like, fuck yeah, we fucking did it, bro. We fucking runnin' this shit, bro. While Carlo and Napoleon's relationship was rocky, the future emperor adored and admired his mother. I love you, mother.

Starting point is 00:18:00 Latisia. Latisia was born in August 24th, 1750, also in Ayaccio. She was simple, frugal in her taste, devout and thought. She helped bind her children to the life of Corsica as a mother she was without equal, he said. He praised her strength and toughness and said all of his success is from her. Impoline also oddly described his mom as not being the most physically attractive woman, saying, quote, she had the head of a man on the body of a woman. That's great. I'm sure mom love that.

Starting point is 00:18:30 That's exactly what every mother and just really what every woman in general wants to hear. You can't go wrong with a compliment like that. My mother is a wonderful woman. She has a big meaty head of a man on the body of a woman. She has a how you say butter face. It's if God had placed the hairy lumpy head of a lomba jack on the body of a bikini model.

Starting point is 00:18:57 She gave birth to eight children. It was actually pregnant 13 times. Back when medicine was basically chanting and washing your hands and slapping on some leeches. Maybe that's how you got that man head. Maybe Napoleon meant the mind of a man. Maybe there's some kind of showedistic compliment back when nobody challenged showin' ism.

Starting point is 00:19:14 Like many families throughout history, especially before the advent of birth control, the goal of the Bonaparte was to kick out as many kids as human be possible. Keeping up with the Joneses used to involve just shooting out babies until your vagina waived to white flag. Latisia was a champion birther. Her childbearing hips just pumped out Joseph in 1768, Napoleon in 1769, Lucien in 1775, Lisa in 1777, Louis in 1778, Pauline in 1780, Caroline, 1782, and Bob in 1784. No, it was, it was Jerome in 1784.

Starting point is 00:19:54 Napoleon's been his first nine years in Corsica doing normal things. You'd expect a possible budding psychopath with a God complex to do, blowing his teachers, crushing enemies, declaring himself the first head of his family. And I think it's safe to say that neighborhood pets may have steered clear to this dude. I don't know any sources to say he was cruel to animals, but it feels like he was a guy who probably kicked dog or two as a kid.

Starting point is 00:20:19 And on the web, you'll find a lot of things talking about how he wasn't terribly fond of cats, which is actually not true. His nephew, who had become Napoleon III, was afraid of cats. And over time, this feline fear became attributed to Napoleon I.

Starting point is 00:20:33 I can tell the phone game. That's what happens when everybody gets the same name. Napoleon excelled as a math as a kid, who's a mathematical talent. That math, those math skills would later help his military strategizing. He was considered domineering, not a great trait for a young boy,

Starting point is 00:20:48 as a student, but awesome, awesome trait for somebody with emperor ambitions. Some of his teachers recommended that he joined the military throughout his early schooling, and that's exactly what would happen. Bonaparte began his military training at the age of eight. After reading about Napoleon's early years, it sounds like he was practicing bayonet moves at recess.

Starting point is 00:21:08 While other kids were sticking gum under their desks, Little Napoleon was probably formulating kickball strategies using Sunsew's Art of War. The world is pretty lucky. He didn't have bombs and planes. Or the earth might look very different right now. We'd have, he would have just taken it all over. We'd have flat Napoleon Earths telling us about an ice wall encircling in Napoleonia. Now during the winter of 1778, while America is still celebrating its new station status

Starting point is 00:21:32 and figuring out how to run a country and celebrate 4th July with sparklers, little nine-year-old Napoleon leaves Corsica to be educated at a private military academy in France known as Brienne. It was his father, Carlo, who managed to get Napoleon a scholarship. Napoleon could hardly speak French. Corsicans at the time still spoke Italian, and the French kids made fun of him, which I'm sure added fuel to his fire. All right, his desire to one day rise above them all. He certainly fueled his pride in Corsican heritage, and Bonaparte has said at that time to

Starting point is 00:22:03 have dreamed of liberating his homeland. He spent five years in Breon before he was able to go back home to Corsica for a visit. That's fucking crazy to me. At nine. I think I would have broken me. At nine, how does that, how does that not make you a little cold-hearted?

Starting point is 00:22:20 When at nine years old, you're just, you're taken away from your family and you don't get to see him for five years. I mean, we're all familiar with like a mama's voice. When I was nine, I was a grandma's boy. The sun rose and said on sweet grandma beddy. Saturday sleepovers, grandma's house, every Saturday, Saturday night life, ice cream,

Starting point is 00:22:36 WWF resting with grandpa, papa. Uh, poor little Napoleon had grandparents too. He was shipped off at nine years old, wouldn't see anybody. Did he knew for five years? Man, life was so much harsher in centuries past. No way I would send Kyler, I'm going to row anywhere for longer than a few weeks. Maybe I'm just emotionally weak, but it makes me sad a little bit.

Starting point is 00:22:53 1784 Napoleon's 15 years old. He's promoted to the Royal Military Academy in Paris. Paris. This is where Operation God King really kind of gets put in motion. He begins his military academy life. There's a second lieutenant when he starts his apprenticeship at the best, in the best artillery unit, artillery. I think I add, people say I add an extra syllable in there, in the best artillery, instead

Starting point is 00:23:21 of artillery, unit in the French army. The following year in Napoleon is just 16, there's some trouble at home. His father dies of cancer on February 24th, 1785. Napoleon misses a ton of schoolwork and the wake of his father's death and ends up graduating 42nd out of 58 students. Not great.

Starting point is 00:23:38 However, he did still become the first course again to ever graduate from the French military academy. Pretty great. And he was considered an expert at citing a gun and it deploying troops, maybe even a little more great. So he handled it throughout Bonaparte's early military career. He feared that coming from underprivileged roots, not coming from a noble family, or noble enough would prevent him from promotion into the higher ranks of the military that he desired.

Starting point is 00:24:06 At the time, pretty much only French nobles made it to the top of the military. Feeling uncertain about his military future, he briefly lost focus on military domination. And for a little time, dreamed of becoming a famous author instead. And he would actually go on to write a short story, of course, to come, and also a romance novella that would not be published until after his death called kisone and you genie it currently has four to five stars in amazon if you want to check it out i i previewed it and to me it looks absolutely fucking terrible but um but maybe like it and i'll talk about

Starting point is 00:24:38 revolution killing in the name of yes if we're not for the French revolution we would probably not know the name Napoleon Bonaparte. His romance now, it wasn't that good. The French Revolution made his rise to power possible. The French monarchy had civil wars and political violence erupting everywhere. It was also fighting basically every other nation in Europe at the same time. France was able to pull this off. It's one of the world's most advanced nations at that time. It was quite wealthy and powerful. And the time of King Louis XVI and Queen Marie Antoinette.

Starting point is 00:25:11 But it was also terribly unstable. And heads would soon literally roll 1792. At the age of 23, Napoleon took a leave of absence from the French military to travel back to Corsica. While he was away, France continued to terrorize itself. During a visit in Paris, Napoleon witnessed French riders storming the castle, make Louis XVI, where a silly hat and defeat. By August, the king had been enthroned. Napoleon understood the rapidly changing order of France in Europe and he wanted to be a part of it.

Starting point is 00:25:40 It's our opportunities. To start with, he had his sights on a set on, you know, on rising to local power via some Corsican politics. Napoleon becomes an antenna in the Corsican National Guard, sales home, rallies some pro-French troops on the island. He was no longer a Corsican nationalist after spending years of his childhood in France. And he fights against the governor of Corsica, of Filippo Antonio Piscuali, a day pule, a boyhood, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, as well as he had hoped to start off here. While their home was being sacked by the locals and defeat Napoleon, his mother, three brothers and three sisters took their belongings, got on a boat, sailed away. Napoleon's first time being kicked out of a country for life and it wouldn't be the last. Another interesting moment in the story to me, Napoleon has just been kicked out of his

Starting point is 00:26:38 beloved home country for life. The fight has cost his family, his home, his 23. I'm guessing his mom and siblings are a little unhappy, you know, with what he's done. Just what the fuck Napoleon? You've ruined our entire lives. Why can't you play nice with the governor? We could bet we could be on our sweet little island, watching a beautiful Corsican sunset. Right? Drinking some sort of sweet Corsican beverage, which for some reason in my mind is a Capri Sun We could not be homeless now you fucking moron A lot of people would have folded in that situation Or at least giving up having insane ambition right? I think a lot of people would have just been like oh shit

Starting point is 00:27:14 Okay, I gotta do I gotta do now to make sure the family has enough money to survive. Let's scale it back But a lot of people don't have the steel will of Napoleon motherfucking bone apart. Yeah, like him or hate this guy, I'll be in this episode. You cannot deny, oh man, just the willpower. It's incredible to me. On June 10th, 1793, Napoleon, with barely any money or possessions, his life and shambles rejoins the French army. France was still fighting, but the King, Queen and thousands of nobles, political leaders

Starting point is 00:27:44 and clergy Had already lost their heads great opportunities. Yeah, we're we're To be taken right now. There's a lot of turmoil in France in 1793 The Jacquabins were the most extreme of the various revolutionary groups at the time their their leader max a million Robes Pierre Had become France's temporary ruler as head of what was called the directory among his first decision was to suspend the french constitution and under his rule uh... you know chapa lot of heads off the battle between democracy and monarchy is

Starting point is 00:28:14 full in full swing over two hundred fifty thousand people would lose their lives in the french revolution and will look further into that in a bit for now let's uh... let's continue with an impolian's rise to power. Back to, yeah, so 1793, Bonaparte. Now a 24-year-old officer in the French army sent to southern France in December to take back

Starting point is 00:28:35 from the Allied troops, the French port of Toulon Harbor. And the Allies consisted that time of troops from Britain, Spain, Naples, Sicily, Sardinia, French Loyalists, the French Army consisted of around 32,000 troops. The allies had about 22,000 soldiers, plus 37 British ships, 32 Spanish ships, and a few others. And while young Napoleon was not the highest ranking officer, when he arrived, historians noted it was obvious he was the superior officer

Starting point is 00:29:05 in terms of military mental might. Some historians go as far as saying the other officers in Toulon were completely inept compared to Napoleon. He began to lay out a strategy to retake the fort. His subpoorers were initially skeptical of the plan until another more qualified officer came in and looked at it and basically said, oh shit, oh shit, this is good, this good, we could work with this. Oh, whoa, that's what give me a rock hard war boner right now. And they went with Napoleon's method.

Starting point is 00:29:30 In the end, 4,000 Allied soldiers were killed. At least 10 of the British Navy ships were destroyed while in anchor to save the rest of their fleet. The Allies retreated. The French lost about 2,000 soldiers in a number of their own ships, but they won. They won the battle. Napoleon himself was wounded in the leg by a bayonet, but victory again was his, his plan worked.

Starting point is 00:29:50 And a little fame started to spread as him being the hero of the day in this battle. And I find it interesting that he clearly didn't just plan the battle and then sit back and watch the fighting. I mean, that doesn't happen if you get wounded in the leg with a bayonet. Uh, uh, an unnamed sergeant of the Royal Irish Regiment fighting on behalf of the British was the person who stabbed him. Dude was a musket lengths away. And since Napoleon didn't die that day, I'm guessing that dude did. Uh, sources don't say, uh, but it's pretty easy to infer that.

Starting point is 00:30:20 Can you imagine having that life experience? Guy running at you in the heat of battle. There is muskets firing by the thousands, cannons firing continually from the surrounding land, from the ships out in the harbor. You can literally smell the gunpowder, the blood in the air, and smokey from all the firing. You can hear the death screams of hundreds of men. And then some mother fucker is charging at you with a bayonet runs it into your leg. No, I was not that this way today Right? Wow break it off, you know, I'm fucking jack him in the fate. Whatever

Starting point is 00:30:54 The intensity I've never had an experience in my life that is 5% as intense as the experiences he must have had just that one day The Battle of Toulon Harbor marked Napoleon's first victory on a battlefield, despite not technically being a command, guaranteed, uh, advance enough to ranks, right? Now he makes it to bridge the dear general. Uh, Toulon Harbor would be his first encounter with England, not be his last. Uh, England's going to be a real thorn in his sight. Uh, the people of England, uh, get to know and now, uh, uh, start start to start to hate Napoleon. His name would eventually be used as a kind of the name of a boogie man to scare British children.

Starting point is 00:31:29 Their newspapers were end up trolling him constantly. After Napoleon later commissioned paintings that depicted him as a Roman godlike, you know, war leader, the British cartoonists would portray him as small and weak. And that worked so well. The British were so good at their propaganda. That is why that so many people think he was short still today. When in all actuality, he was a little above average in height for his time. Part of the complication regarding his height and part of why some people also thought he was short is the French and British used a different measurement system at the time. And Napoleon in the French system, the way that they would measure things

Starting point is 00:32:05 just a little bit differently, he would be listed as five two. But that wasn't five two in today's version of five two and inches. It would have been actually a lot closer to five five or five six, which is short by today's standards. I think Joe Paisley's actually like four, eight or something like that.

Starting point is 00:32:25 But it was average for the the time average for the time little above average actually Crazy there propaganda was so effective over 200 years ago that many still believe it today I basically are you listening out there? I feel now. I feel how what are you like? What do you like five years? You're taller Okay He's five nine. He's five nine. Okay. All right. Thank you. They're propaganda was so effective over 200 years when you got them. And he still believe it today, which is why we research this shit, right? Right? Here, this is why it's important to dig into stories. Find out if what you even believe in

Starting point is 00:32:59 and tell another's your whole life is actually true or not. And what we learn here time and time again, time suck. And if you're like, and we love when you send in your corrections. But sometimes like, um, actually there was this many children of that. And sometimes there's a tone of like, how could you miss that? Because there is history is not, there wasn't like some objective arbiter of truth out there being like, this is exactly what happened. It's people riding with different agendas, you know, think about the media

Starting point is 00:33:24 today, how polarized, think about the media today, how polarized, how slanted it is on both sides, and how manipulative. And I feel like, you know, it's always just been that way. So man, gotta, gotta, gotta do it. Gotta suck in hard to get a higher percentage of truth on October 5th, 1795, Napoleon got a chance to earn a bit of trust from the French directory, The five member council now in charge of the chaotic French government. He was called into repellent attack by thousands of angry royalists, people wanted the royalty back in charge and national guardsmen who were against the new revolutionary government. Because yeah, France was a fucking dumpster fire of a country in 1795.

Starting point is 00:34:02 It was chaos. And right after fighting the British and the Spanish, Napoleon just now asked to fight his own people. And he does with gusto. The man was not above a brutality on the battlefield, even when it came to his own people. In this case, he was dealing with the protesting French mob. And he decided that the best way to kind of quell the mob

Starting point is 00:34:20 would be to fire cannons into the crowd. And he killed around a hundred people with a single round of cannon blasts and that ended the uprising. They were like, okay, oh shit, all right. Didn't know you wouldn't take it that far. Also did not make him popular amongst the common precizes, you can imagine. Can you imagine something to that today? Can you imagine that the White House is like, ah, enough fucking fire and the just fire

Starting point is 00:34:41 fire a row of cannons against protesters. My starter revolution, but the people protesting that moment, we're like, okay, okay, okay, we're good, we're good. We're fine, we'll leave. The directory rewards him by making him now full general and commander of the army of the interior. And the polling later recalled, they put the matter in my hands

Starting point is 00:35:03 and then set to discuss whether or not I had the right to repel force by force. Do you intend to wait, said I, until the people give you permission to fire at them? You have appointed me and I am compromised. It is only fair that I should do the business my own way. On that I left the lawyers to drown themselves in their own flood of words and got the troops on the move and I lit those motherfuckers up. He didn't say that last part, but that's to me where the quote was going.

Starting point is 00:35:33 He wrote his brother with these sentiments. He said, the enemy attacked us. We killed a great many of them. Now all is quiet. I could not be happier. So you know, you didn't feel bad. At only 26 years old, Napoleon had gotten Project God King back on schedule three years after being kicked out of Corsica.

Starting point is 00:35:48 Having his family home taken from him, he's now in charge of the French army, right? He just didn't, he didn't let that shit slow him down a bit. Before we delve further into Napoleon's rise to power, many exciting tragic and bloody wars he'll embark on with basically all of Europe and beyond. Let's take a look at this dude's love life. It gets pretty weird and we love weird here. Before we take a look at his love life, let's check in with today's first sponsor, Hey, dude, suckers. Hey, penis based meat sex. I have a question for you. Do you like pants? Do you like pants that fit? Well, if you don't like pants, don't, don't, don't skip. Do you like clothes? Do you like any sort of

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Starting point is 00:38:10 Once you go custom, you do not go back, link in the episode description, or push the Indochino button within the time suck website or app. Now let's talk about getting it on. Let's talk about getting horny a couple hundred years ago. Napoleon was into sexting way before it was cool or even remotely convenient. He sexed with his first wife Josephine by pen and paper and then those notes would travel back and forth via horse and boat. Actually, say back and forth, they just traveled two.

Starting point is 00:38:39 One more of a one way is we're going to find out. The future emperor had to be a very patient fapper as did a lot of people back then. His romantic life consisted mainly of two wives and a third engagement. He also had some mistresses, but maybe not as many mistresses as other successful and powerful French men. Because it was reported that a lot of women

Starting point is 00:38:56 found him a little off-putting. His second wife, Arch Duchess Mary Louise, is believed to have said something to the effect that the mere side of him would be the worst form of torture so you know it wasn't for everybody which i get believe me i get that uh... his first wife josephine well-known aristocrat in paris

Starting point is 00:39:15 she was embodiment of a french party culture like a old-time in paris hilton uh... josephine was six years older than the polian already had two teenagers by the time they met so like a older Paris Hilton. He was immediately smitten with her. She didn't think he was completely repulsive, at least not initially. He was powerful and persistent

Starting point is 00:39:33 and she ended up marrying him. Josephine was the widow of another revolutionary, Alexander, a day bull Arne, who had been imprisoned and beheaded as so many people were at that time by way of the guillotine. She was also arrested in prison and almost beheaded, escaped with her head when the French Revolution's reign of terror ended. When Josephine met Napoleon in 1795, she was already the mistress of a man who was arguably the most powerful Frenchman in England, Paul, Francois,

Starting point is 00:39:59 Jean, Nicolas, Baris. Really hoped that son of a bitch didn't insist on being addressed by his full name, right? These guys, can I just, can I call you Paul? No, you may not know. You may call me Paul. Oh, Francois, Jean Nicolás, Jacques Pierre Barras, Ashole. And then randomly, this dude encouraged Napoleon to marry his mistress.

Starting point is 00:40:23 Super weird to me. Just you know, how does that, how does that happen? Hey dude, amen. I can't talk to you. Can I get real with you for a second? Look, look bro. Tired of banging the chicken aside, all right? Is there any way you could please marry her

Starting point is 00:40:39 so I can get her off of my dick? I don't know how that happens. So what sort of husband was Napoleon? Well, he certainly traveled a lot for work with all his concrete and such. He also wrote a lot of interesting love letters, as you'll see in a moment. Josephine would go on to create a number of public scandals for Napoleon, excessive partying, very public affair with another officer early in the marriage. He may, John Pollan may have convinced her to shorten her name, which is kind of a weird thing, but he clearly didn't control her.

Starting point is 00:41:09 Josephine was also a bit on the fiscally irresponsible side. And by a bit, I mean, instead of buying some expensive shoes, she would buy one of the most lavish palaces in France. Franchise it with gold, everything, then buy expensive shoes. Josephine and Napoleon were married in a civil ceremony on March 9, 1796, two days later in Napoleon deploys war, and then he would write to her often. And it is some of the creepiest should ever. Partly because of the actual words he writes could be the translation to be fair.

Starting point is 00:41:36 Partly because of his massively wavering emotions and mainly because keep this in mind, newly with Josephine is not answering any of these letters. It's just so weird to me, and probably just keep it spreading over and over, and they don't get back to them. Like you ever dated somebody, and then you end it, and then have them continue to text you, it's so sad every time. And it gets creepy when like after months, you know, you look at the text, the thread, it's this long and sane series

Starting point is 00:42:01 of just unanswered messages. What you're doing sexy, just thinking thinking about you we should meet up soon. Nothing, no reply, nothing for a week. Hey Sawyer just in Kansas City, I was the other week before LOL anyways just thinking to you, hope you're well. Nothing for like a month. Hey do you want to see Queen's a storage? I know you love them, I have an extra ticket, hit me up. Nothing, like two months, and just a series of drunk texts late one night. So fucked up how you never get back to me, you could at least say hi. Hit me up. Nothing, like two months, and just a series of drunk texts late one night.

Starting point is 00:42:25 So fucked up, I never get back to me. You could at least say hi. 15 minutes later, just, I saw you read my message. Text me back, asshole. 30 minutes there, fuck you, you're so dead to me. And two days later, hey, sorry about the other nights. Too much vodka, you know how I get, LOL, hope you're well.

Starting point is 00:42:41 Ha ha ha. And just, I'm not from months. I have had this type of thing happen. No part of me understands why people do that. If they're not writing, if you're a LSD, if they're not writing you back, move on, move on with your life, it's over. Or I guess that doesn't work for you, take some solace. And the fact that Napoleon was just as tenacious and creepy as you are. Remember that romance novel Napoleon wrote?

Starting point is 00:43:03 It was a fictional account of his life with it with a previous lover a former Fiancé Desiree Clary Apparently it read something like the following snippets of his correspondence with Josephine and one letter Bonaparte writes I hope before long to close you in my arms and cover you with a million kisses burning as oh beneath the equator million kisses, burning as oh beneath the equator, beneath the equator, million kisses. I think he's thinking about going down there.

Starting point is 00:43:30 I think that's what he wants to do, right? Uh, in a different letter, uh, as he's begging her to join him in Milan, he says, uh, shall be alone and a far far away. But you are coming, aren't you? You are going to be here beside me in my arms, on my breasts, on my mouth, take wing and calm, call my kiss on your heart and warm much down low, much lower. He for sure wants to go down, can't wait for that cut of lingus much lower down. Maybe he wants to toss or salad. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:44:01 Maybe he's looking for that back pussy. Yikes, by the way, rim jobs at the end of the 18th century. No, thank you. That does not appeal to me on any level. I mean, they had baths, but they didn't have hot showers. They didn't have antibacterial soap and they didn't have Brazilian waxes. Another letter reads, how happy I will be if I go to this you at your undressing, the little thumb, white breast, the adorable face, hair tied up in his scarf And then his letter start to start to hint a little bit of clingingness your tears rub me of reason and inflame my blood Believe me. There's no see my power to have a single thought which is not all the or a wish I could not reveal to thee

Starting point is 00:44:40 Historians seem to agree that these explicit letters that usually continually said standing excuse me send these like a few snippets from so many letters and they think that turn Josephine off just too much, right? And then the drunken text by horse continued, you know, I write you my beloved one very often, you write very little, you are wicked and naughty, very naughty. As much as you are fickle, it's on favor to deceive a poor husband, attend a lover. Napoleon continues to write, write, she continues to not write back without Josephine, without the insurance of her love. What is left upon the earth? He says, but like all good romantic correspondents

Starting point is 00:45:20 involving a dictator, things do get a bit more aggressive when he gets pissed off, you know, at do a Durable Jossal thing one of these nights your door will open with a great noise is a jealous person you will find me on your arms Right sounds a little like a threat. He's not happy Continues the right. I don't love you. Not at all on the contrast. I did test you He writes your a naughty gauky foolish slut Uh, what is this whole time? Turned out, he just been sent into the wrong address. Right? Finally, that one makes it the right one.

Starting point is 00:45:52 So like, like some other ladies just getting these messages over like, who is this creepy? You ever done that? You ever text somebody several times. Start to get really pissed off. And then find out you just had the number like, like, they change numbers or you wrote the number down wrong or whatever and you just been texting the wrong person I have also done that super embarrassing right really just fucking ghost in me now fucked up dude this is not this is not the right number I don't know who you are please stop texting me whoo awkward but that's not what's happening here she is to not feel like right in your husband he's starting to creep her out. No responses after so many attempts. He writes his brother, after his about his failing marriage. He writes the veil is torn. It is sad when one in the same

Starting point is 00:46:34 heart is torn by such conflicting feelings for one person. I need to be alone. I am tired of grandeur. All my feelings have dried up. I no longer care about my glory. At 29, I've exhausted everything. It's really hitting him hard. This last letter causes a major embarrassing issue for Napoleon. The British intercept it and publish it in all of their newspapers. How embarrassing. Like this is basically the 18th century equivalent

Starting point is 00:46:59 of like a dick pick getting leaked out to the press, right? Like a little dick pick. His enemy and entire nation having a good laugh at his expense. He's ridiculed pretty hard by the British people. British humor at one time, literally a weapon of war. Napoleon's marriage will continue for several more years, despite constant cheating on her part and her not giving him a son, which is interesting.

Starting point is 00:47:21 You know, you can be one of the most powerful men in the world and still have a wife who despises you. In January of 1810, after 14 years of marriage, Napoleon wants out, but a divorce will invoke the ire of the church. So instead, he has their marriage annulled on a strange religious technicality. Apparently, somebody was wearing the wrong funny hat at the wedding, which was, after a lot of exploration, they found out that that was a loophole. They could void the marriage. Napoleon would go on to marry a second time in March of 1810.

Starting point is 00:47:49 As time he married Maria, L'Ouvica, L'Eoporina, Franziska, Teresa, Josepha, Lucía, not kidding. All of those words in one name, aka Marie Louise Duchess of Parma, daughter of the Archduke frances of austria uh... a shape shifting multi-dimensional lizard illuminati member of the austrian hopper world dynasty at david ike has been trying to tell us and again that got the names uh... uh... her father frances second actually was the very last uh... holy roman

Starting point is 00:48:21 emperor that's why conspiracy theorists get all into the Hopsburgs and all this. And a nice enough guy to be end up being known by one name. Fun fact about this guy, Napoleon will end up beating Francis's ass at the Battle of Osterlitz in 1806 and the lost will cost this guy his Holy Roman Empire. Napoleon will end it. And then four years later, Napoleon takes his daughter,

Starting point is 00:48:44 ain't that a bitch. I can only imagine how much this dude hated Napoleon. He had to have known about the old love letters, right? In a much more proper time, he knew that this dude, the man who would beat him in battle, the man who had taken his crown, was now going to cover his daughters vagina in a million kisses. But enough about Napoleon's love life back to what Napoleon does best firing cannons at people. Now we return to Napoleon's buddy military career. So as I stated earlier,

Starting point is 00:49:10 Bonaparte left for Italy two days ago after he was married to Josephine during Napoleon's voracious letter writing campaign to his not at all interested first wife. He was also in charge of fighting his neighbors in the name of France. In this case, Italy and Austria. He was appointed the commander-in-chief of the French army of Italy in March of 1796. 27 of this time is his military reputation. It's growing. Much of his infamy, his growing infamy comes from a battlefield brutality. The weapons and tactics of Napoleon's time are quickly changing and Napoleon passionately

Starting point is 00:49:44 embraced new, more destructive methods of warfare. His willingness to cross moral lines had been drawn for centuries, gave him a huge advantage in war. The army in Napoleon was put in charge of, and this Italian and Austrian military conquest campaign in 1796 was a poorly fed, ill-equipped lot, far shy of the 43,000 men he'd been initially promised. However, Napoleon, a man who believed, you know, he had success as part of his destiny. He knew he could win despite a shortage of men, despite them being hungry. If he brought up their morale, soldiers, he said, you are naked, badly fed, rich provinces and great towns will be in your power. And in them, you will find honor, glory, wealth. And Napoleon was one of those guys who was, you know, very pro-rape and pillage, right?

Starting point is 00:50:29 We're going to kick some ass. You fucking do what you want to do to these villagers, you know, take your spoils of war. Despite a lack of resources, Napoleon managed victory after victory against several much larger Austrian and allied armies without the normal provisions. His troops were lighter and moved through the Italian terrain quickly although hungry and very cranky i was a complicated campaign at one point the french directory proposed to divide Napoleon's army place another general in charge of a second contingent and Napoleon though sent two letters back to paris and which he didn't

Starting point is 00:50:59 formally threatened to resign but made it clear he didn't want any interference he's the commander and uh... he doesn't want to interference. He's the commander and he doesn't want his forces divided and you know he might just abandon this whole thing if you try to make him do that. The directory backs down Napoleon continues his siege of Italy. Throughout the campaign Bonaparte would plant trees of liberty to symbolize his revolution taking root in Europe. Dude understood the power of symbolism right? He knew how to how to sell a dream. He knew that it was important for people to see things, see reminders of success. In the end, he would get his first victory as a commander. He was basically undefeated in this campaign.

Starting point is 00:51:36 Bonaparte's army would take over 150,000 enemy prisoners. They would conquer most of northern Italy, and Napoleon got the Austrians to submit to France's negotiations, negotiations which gave Bonaparte and France control over thousands of miles of territories stretching from Belgium to Greece. Europe was now at peace for a few moments, kind of. Peace was formalized with the Treaty of Camp Formio in late 1797 and then the countdown to more fighting began. Through victory Bonaparte became the de facto ruler of Italy, and only 28 years old, and

Starting point is 00:52:07 for much of 1797, he would negotiate as a sovereign with the Austrian emperor. Probably didn't hate that, right? He returned to Paris and God damn legend, who still haven't trouble with his lady. The French Revolution was turning France upside down when Napoleon was fighting Italy, and upon returning Napoleon found himself a green with French nationalists who cried liberty equality and fraternity. Part of the reason Napoleon is remembered more than say other God King wannabe star history is his ability to write direct and star in propaganda pieces. During his first campaign in Italy, he created newspapers in which he would write articles

Starting point is 00:52:42 about himself. They would say things like Bonaparte flies like lightning and strikes like a thunderbolt. How great would that be? If you were like an artist or in this sense military, but what if you were like a musician, comic or whatever, and you also were in charge of what videos you know, what videos get promoted on YouTube, what programming goes on Comedy Central. And, you know, you could just put out like a, whatever kind of comedy special

Starting point is 00:53:11 and just thunder, subplot, no matter what, you play it seven times a day, you're always the featured video on YouTube, and it's always like, you also control like have a bot's just putting nothing but amazing comments. Even if you were truly terrible, if you just did that long enough, there's no way you wouldn't become just incredibly famous,

Starting point is 00:53:30 right? He did that like a military equivalent of that. He commissioned paintings of himself as an almost mythical character. He would skew his report from the battlefield to show his valor while diminishing all the raping and pillaging, he'd kinda keep that quiet. Napoleon's controller was own image and myth was brilliant.

Starting point is 00:53:46 He made sure he was depicted as God's chosen hero, the savior and protector of France. He would dictate every detail of paintings, he'd commissioned for his victories. You know, I mean, history really is often written by the winners and Napoleon knew that better than most. He was a brilliant battlefield tactician and an even better at hype.

Starting point is 00:54:08 I was thinking for like a modern kind of sports celebrity and analogy. It's like he was like LeBron James if LeBron had Kim Kardashian's Instagram abilities. She has over 120 million followers by the way, and Instagram or 120 million. As Nostradamus predicted when he prophesized about the apocalypse,

Starting point is 00:54:23 LeBron, someone in who in my opinion has more tangible talent in one finger than she has in her entire body, roughly 48 million followers, right? If he had her, he'd have like a, he'd have somehow, he'd had somehow more followers than there are people on earth. To understand Napoleon's transition from kick-ass military leader and propaganda is to emperor of most of Europe, we need a bit more context about this French Revolution and the reign of terror, so much going on in this little period of history. The French Revolution is the backdrop for Bonaparte's rise to power. During the revolution, the leader of the French directory is a man named Maximilian Robespierre.

Starting point is 00:55:00 Maximilian Robespierre had argued that he needed to suspend liberty to save liberty and Napoleon agreed and as expected People didn't really like having their liberty suspended People revolted Robes fear is government fell in the end. They cut his head off with the very guillotine that he had terrorized France with very much I live by the guillotine die by the guillotine story There's a lot to the French Revolution I'm not gonna go super deep into detail because that deserves its own suck. And even now it'd be hard to

Starting point is 00:55:28 get all the necessary info in. Just know it basically was several complicated coups one after another. The replacement, you know, so the government is constantly being replaced. The revolution would run from May 5th, 1789 to November 9th, 1799. And it was a lot of fun. It was basically like a big, Marady Gras celebration with a lot of wine, plenty of beads, so many boobs, just flappin' out in the streets. It was glorious. Hell, who's the fena?

Starting point is 00:55:51 I know, it was terrible. Replace boobs and beads with so much blood. The fighting started partly because a lot of French people didn't like the tyranny of the monarchy. So they went on to kill each other in the streets for a while, only to put Napoleon in power, who by the end essentially became, you know, another king and formed a different type of monarchy. It was this goddamn, this is exactly why we started this in the first place. Now we're back here again. The French Revolution began with the way the

Starting point is 00:56:18 French government, or began over the way the French government collected taxes. Essentially, if you were rich or a member of the clergy, you didn't pay them. If you're anyone else, you paid the fuck out of them. At the end of the 18th century, France found itself deeply in debt, mostly from financing the American Revolution, which thank you, by the way. I know Americans, some of them love to talk about saving France's ass and World War II, tend to forget that France saved our asses in American Revolution. So appreciate it. Sorry if I fuck up 70% of your super stupid names.

Starting point is 00:56:52 Lewis XVI was spending half of his wealth on the debt from the war and it bankrupted him in France as this lack of funds. Also coincided with multiple seasons of bad weather that hurt food production, which left France broke and hungry, which is a bad combo from a row. Good recipe for a revolution. I feel like people, you know, the poor historically will put up with a lot of shit from the rulers. They'll take beatings, unfair taxes. Sometimes they'll put up with getting their land taken from them.

Starting point is 00:57:21 They'll even tolerate various forms of indentured servitude, but starvation? Nah. That seems to be the straw that breaks the poor people's back, right? Because hanger, hanger is real. Mass hanger usually equals an uprising. With all the unrest in France, King Louis XVI assembles what is known as the estate general. The estate general in June of 1789, consisting of three estates or classes to convene in Versailles.

Starting point is 00:57:48 The nobles in one, the clergy in another, all the working class schmucks in the third. They all gathered to figure out how to reform the government, get France out of financial trouble and make everybody happy. They're all supposed to work together, rich in poor like to figure everything out, and that's a nice thought, but it didn't happen. The king decided to lock the not cool kids, the poor and the landless out of the meeting and make their presence basically symbolic and not really listen to their frustrations about bearing the brunt of the tax burden.

Starting point is 00:58:15 Well despite being shut out, the commoners continued to meet up. They meet some tennis courts, then some other locations. They refuse to leave until the king takes them seriously. They start drafting up legislation for a new government. They form what becomes known as the National Guard. They essentially organize themselves into a militia wearing the colors that now make up the French flag, red, white and blue, just like ours. Less than a month later in July 14th, now known in France as Bastille Day, the commoners

Starting point is 00:58:40 decide to attempt to overthrow the French monarchy. They storm first a hotel in Paris, looking for guns guns and then the best deal in Paris, a fortress being used at the time as a political prison. Not many people are actually be staying there at the time, but they rescue seven prisoners. They load up on guns and in response, this rebellion, August 4th, 1789, the French national assembly is like, hey, guys, wait a minute. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Did you say you wanted less taxes? Oh, we just, we didn't hear you correctly. We get it now. So let's

Starting point is 00:59:12 put an end to the silly writing. Okay, let's put an end to the weapon taking. The government listens to some of their demands abolishes huge pillars of French life like tithing, noble privilege, unequal taxation, futile rights, massive shift that culminates in August 26th with the National Assembly's Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen. This is the king's attempt to give every French citizen liberty, prosperity, and security, while also remaining king. So Louis XVI still king, but he has to concede a lot of his king power. Then in October of 1789, a rumor was spread that the queen, Marie Antoinette, is holding grain in the palace of Versailles.

Starting point is 00:59:50 And King Louis's report to him said, oh, fuck me! First Versailles, now this got damn it. I don't like it! Let it be known that I do not care for any of this! Somebody screamed that after blasting some trumpets or some shit. Now, I didn't say that, but he he wasn't happy and then you really wasn't happy

Starting point is 01:00:06 You want a massive group of armed peasant women known as the women's march stormed the palace and forced the king and queen to move 12 miles away The Paris hey loose the feena they got him You know take away some of their more royal powers, but he's still king There's still a still king and queen Things are shifting away from a regular monarchy, though, to a constitutional monarchy. Then France continues to argue and riot and things start to slide further into a true civil war. During a gathering of one group of revolutionaries, because there's numerous revolutionaries

Starting point is 01:00:36 thinking that I know best we could do things this way. One of them is known as the Jacobins. French national assembly troops killed 50 Jacobins and that sends France in general into an uproar. The national assembly, they were also revolutionaries. They were a group to comprise that third estate, the commoners who met at the tennis court, the people who saw on the best deal. And now they're killing other revolutionaries, not good.

Starting point is 01:00:57 Things start to get really complicated. On August 27, 1791, the declaration of Pilnitz occurred, basically the other kings and sovereigns around Europe, not excited to see what was happening in France. France had been annoying for a long time to them, you know, constantly starting battles and shit, but they didn't want people to get the wrong idea in their country. If they see France's people overthrow their monarchy, they're like, shit, we could be next, right? They like being kings and queens.

Starting point is 01:01:21 They got nervous about a revolution. So they decide to the to meet and make and support, you know, the French monarchy. Then the French national assembly who still hadn't overthrown Louis XVI, they work with him to invade Austria, to plunder Austria's wealth and steal their grain. And that pisses off some of the kings trying to help Louis, you know, like the like the king of Austria, who by the way was Francis II, father of Napoleon's future second wife, guy who got fucked over by France in so many ways, this attack on Austria leads Prussia to align with Austria to fight to French. King Louis offered his support to Prussia then, he was like, hey man, that shit with Austria,

Starting point is 01:01:58 that was the poor people's idea. That was the mind. I'm just trying to survive. I'm having to make a lot of deals. Things are crazy over here. Help me out, bro. Let's squash these peasant fucks and keep them from raiding anyone else's treasure and grain.

Starting point is 01:02:10 So sorry. Well, doing that makes Lewis look like a traitor to the revolution because he was. He didn't like the revolution. So in the National Assembly, it takes away all the power from the monarchy and calls for another constitution. This time the people were able to vote in new elections. Well, at least the men people anyway, sorry, ladies suckers. Also the assembly has a trial for Louis XVI and they elect to remove his head from his

Starting point is 01:02:31 neck by way of guillotine. His famous queen, Marie Antoinette, who famously did not say let them eat cake, and so many other nobles also get put to death this way. The execution of the royal family in 1793 would spark a period of more chaos in the French Revolution known as the reign of terror. Hard to pinpoint exactly the day the reign of terror began, but historian site September 5th 1793. This was the day that a French asshole ended the French assembly by saying, quote, let's make terror the order of the day. Right? This is when the story becomes a real life fucking purge movie.

Starting point is 01:03:07 These people after executing the royal family thing, this feels good. I like this. Why stop here? Let's kill so many of these motherfuckers. They're bloodthirsty. They were drunk with power. Terror did become the order of the day and eventually 16,000 heads would roll by way of guillotine, you know roughly sixteen thousand that the passage by the french national

Starting point is 01:03:28 convention of the law of suspects was a was a major part of this coming chaos the law of suspects now made it cool to kill enemies in the state whether they were declared rebels or just suspected rebels under this law you weren't innocent until proven guilty you were guilty until proven innocent which i can say gotta say reminds me of the growing witch hunt culture of today, right? When one person can make an online accusation about somebody else, no trial, no scrutiny, no cross examination, and suddenly that person's just guilty,

Starting point is 01:03:58 at least in the court of public opinion. I mean, I guess we're not literally cutting people's fucking heads off based on unfounded accusations, not yet, but got to be careful with that shit. When discussing the the new law of suspects and the subsequent executions, Max a million Roast Peer said it was nothing more than speedy, severe, and inflexible justice. That's one way to justify the purge. I wonder if he thought that when his head would later roll. Two factions of thought emerged during this reign of terror. There was one group who didn't want to stop the killings, but instead sought moderation. Maybe we should have a little better trials. Maybe slow down just a touch. And then there was another group

Starting point is 01:04:33 who was like, more death, more death, more heads, make it happen. In a fun twist of history, the leaders of both groups end up getting their heads kind of. To make things even more interesting, the national assembly turns on Maximilian Robe's pair and he and 21 of his followers are guillotineed. Chaos, chaos, one day you're leading the rebellion, the next day you're looking back at your body as your head hits the fucking ground after being brutally and quickly cut off.

Starting point is 01:04:58 And it is thought by the way that you can retain consciousness for at least four seconds after having your head locked off. Thanks to some weird decapitation research. Some Dutch scientists did with mice in 2011. Those four seconds, they have to be, not only the last four seconds of your life, but the longest, right?

Starting point is 01:05:15 How surreal, just oh shit! That's my body! That's my whole body up there! And I'm down here, I'm tired. So in summary, during the revolution, political dissonance killed, plus the king and the royal family killed, ton of nobles killed, the leaders of factions that were down with the killing also killed, the guy who was in charge the most of the killing also killed, well played friends, very thorough revolution. After mopping up the rivers of blood from the reign of terror,

Starting point is 01:05:46 the revolution will be pulled back a bit. The rain ended in July 1794, we claim between 18,000, 40,000 lives. And then another new constitution is drafted, and then this time it ends up being super nice to rich people. Isn't that funny how that works? All this death and chaos to basically get kind of back to where they started. Rich people never underestimate how good they are at staying rich.

Starting point is 01:06:09 It's very impressive. And then this new constitution also has a last number of kuzakir, the French continue their revolution. That's why the French revolution is so fancy. It was just a series of so much fucking, it was like a thousand revolutions packed into one revolution. And then finally Napoleon makes his move and his pronounce the first console of France, which basically meant he was dictator-ish. He's like dictator light. And then yet another new constitution is needed, great time to be

Starting point is 01:06:33 a person by the way who gets paid to write out copies of constitution. Man, a lot of job security, a lot of work. So like I said, they began the revolution with the dictator king and then when it's all over, they have another dictator in power military dictator. Okay Let's jump back a bit now. Let's jump into some military conquest. Let's jump Actually, let's jump ahead. Let's not jump back. Let's go ahead 1798 fallen a polling into Egypt right after a word from today's final sponsor Today's time suckers brought you by the great courses great courses plus I'm always trying to become a smarter version of myself And that's why I love watching and listening to the great courses. Great courses plus. I'm always trying to become a smarter version of myself, and that's why I love watching and listening to the great courses plus. There's so much information

Starting point is 01:07:07 available on this streaming service from some of the best college professors across so many areas of interest, like ancient Mesopotamia, astrophysics, forensic history, just to name a few. I've learned so much from the great courses plus lately. I've been enjoying the Black Death, the world's most devastating plague. Lecture 23 covers later plague outbreaks that would occur all the way up until 1666. And then we will soon see some smaller outbreaks occurred in the time in Napoleon would affect some of his battles. So just interesting to get more context that helps understand even other sucks that have nothing to do with the plague.

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Starting point is 01:08:10 sponsor link button in the time suck app and on the website. Now let's get to Egypt. I always hungry for advancement glory and fucking with the British Napoleon sets his site on Egypt. His mission is to block British trade routes to India via the Nile and to raise funds by plundering the mythical lands and all their treasures in the lands of the Ferris. Bonaparte was also interested in the mysteries and secrets of Egypt. He sought his way to strengthen his legend, right? His god, King Destiny, he said, Europe is a mole hill. There were never great

Starting point is 01:08:40 empires or revolutions except in the Orient, right? And this guy is fastened out of the great. He knew the ax and the Great, you know, kicked ass knee to P. He wants to do the same thing. And Juno 1798, Napoleon on his way to Egypt decides to sack the little island nation of Malta, give it to France. Most of that siege takes just today, pretty small place without much loss of life on either side. He takes over the capital city of La Vallette.

Starting point is 01:09:03 I got to make it to Malta someday by the way. Tiny island nation, the Mediterranean, beautiful. Less than half a million people total, been inhabited since roughly 6,000 B.C. so much history. One of the smallest countries in the world, also one of the most densely populated, less than 125 square miles in size.

Starting point is 01:09:19 Smallest island nation, by the way, for random trivia, even I know we're getting a little off track just for a second, the island of Na'a-a-na-uru, the Republic of Na-uru, and the South Pacific just over eight square miles, less than 12,000 people, it's its own country. More random trivia, trivia on top of trivia, this little tiny island has the highest rate of obesity in the world, 97% of the dudes there. 93% of the women are medically obese. So if you're average sized and you're frustrated, you're not just getting checked out as much as you'd like

Starting point is 01:09:51 to on the beach, get your ass to the, not Uru and you could be a swimsuit model. Back to friends. After lickin' malt in the afternoon, Napoleon continues to Egypt, much like his hero, Alexander the Great, Bonaparte wanted to follow in his footsteps, right? What better way to do that than to conquer Alexandria?

Starting point is 01:10:09 The city named after him, with between 35,000 and 38,000 troops known as the army of the Orient and an entire French fleet. Napoleon does just that. He arrives in Alexandria to find that it's not actually Egyptians who are running Egypt right now, but Muslim warriors known as the Mammalook. The Mammalooks, Alexandria was taken with little resistance. The Mammalooks have a unique story and will continue to play a role in his Egyptian campaign after their defeat.

Starting point is 01:10:35 Quick note of the Mammalooks, in the 13th century, the Egyptian Sultan purchased 12,000 slave boys from the Caucus Mountains near Armenia and raised them to be an elite fighting force and trained them so well an elite fighting force and train them so well they overthrew him. Ah, damn it. And then they ruled Cairo for the next several hundred years. So note to self, do not purchase, I'm going to cross that off my to do list right now, do not purchase 12,000 Armenian slave boys, do not raise them to be an elite fighting force.

Starting point is 01:11:01 Glad I found that info. The Mamalooks were fierce warriors who were fearless fighters. They believed that they would be instantly transported to paradise if they were killed in battle, but Napoleon still whooped him. After Alexander and Napoleon led his soldiers to Cairo and learned a little more than he wanted to about how terrible it was to move troops to the Egyptian desert. They marched to land. They could hit high temperatures of 130 degrees Fahrenheit. Today's modern travelers are told to drink a quarter of water every hour, wear light

Starting point is 01:11:28 clothes and hats. Well, the French had the hats, but we're not dressed light and didn't have enough water. They were dressed in thick wool uniforms and they didn't even carry water bottles. Napoleon was a brilliant tactician and commander, but he did not really care about the what hardships physically his men had to endure during the fighting. His poor soldiers spent three weeks in the sand and heat with limited rations on top of not nearly enough water. They were also harassed and attacked by Bedouins, those Arabic nomads. The soldiers suffered from starvation and dehydration as the hot sands burned their feet, irritated their throats. Some soldiers broke down, went insane, just tore

Starting point is 01:12:03 off their uniforms, just fucking ran out, died in the desert. Some soldiers also dunked out their rations, too thirsty to eat their drained cakes and dehydrated and died. Soldiers began to see mirages that have visions of bodies of water in the near distance only to find that there was none. There were several suicides when they finally did come across a well. It would be trained in minutes and then by the end of the journey dozens of soldiers would die of thirst You know just laying around these dry wells When the Polines Army finally makes it to the Nile the soldiers break ranks They just dive into the water and they drank and float for hours

Starting point is 01:12:36 Which ends up killing so many more of them right they find watermelon patches they gorge themselves and then a lot of them come down with Dissentarian die quite literally a very shitty three weeks. Good old McGill's pop. Just pop it off French buttolls blowing off left and right, pooping into the mouth. The demoralized and that's a call back to a lie from an old episode for new listeners. The demoralized and barely alive French troops arrived near the pyramids, Giza, not far from Cairo in July 13, 1798 Met by 15,000

Starting point is 01:13:09 Mamaluk warriors and despite being sick and weary They kicked their fucking asses in fact like a cat playing with the mouse Napoleon toyed with the enemy army to get a sense of what might be awaiting him and Cairo On July 21st waiting him in Cairo. On July 21st, 1798, Bonaparte led his 35 to 50,000 French troops and 400 ships to Egypt for the Battle of the Pyramids. Napoleon loved to give his battles exciting names. Bonaparte's armory is said to have went up against 40,000 Egyptians, at least as Napoleon's count. Historians seem to think it was less than half of that. The British think it was six guys in a camel. Propaganda makes history

Starting point is 01:13:45 hard sometimes. 3pm on July 21st, 6000 Marmalukes, Charge, or Marmalukes, Charge the French army. I keep want to say Marmaduke. That's not that. And things go really, really well for them. Almost every single one of these fighters instantly transported to paradise just like they wanted. First instantly transported to paradise just like they wanted. Yay! Yeah, yeah, yeah! These guys are no match for Napoleon superior tactics. He organizes troops in the simple formations known as the square. Put all of these troops into five squares.

Starting point is 01:14:13 They slaughter the Marmelux. The square, which was more of a rectangle actually, featured riflemen on the outside, Calvary on the inside, Artillery, Artillery, whatever, on the outside corners. Virtually the entire army faced a French set day were mowed down into a few hours, five to six thousand men killed in a few hours. The French lost a total of 30 soldiers with several hundred others wounded. I mean, this was a landslide victory. The French soldiers who were promised riches stripped the bodies of the fallen foes for

Starting point is 01:14:42 jewels, gold, and their fancy weapons. After the battle, the Egyptian leader, Merad Bey, burned his remaining fleet before fleeing from Napoleon. The smoke created by the burning ships caused even more panic in Cairo and Bedouin mercenaries who were hired by the Marmelok's to protect the citizens of Cairo began to steal and kill the people they were hired to protect. Coslil and Arche over there. July 25th, 1798, the French march into into Cairo a city now essentially that belongs to Napoleon

Starting point is 01:15:07 He was blown away by the architecture of Cairo it was under Islamic rule at the time and instead of trying to convert the city to Christianity According to folklore Napoleon tried to tell them that he wasn't Christian that he and his men actually wanted to become Muslim They didn't he just wanted them to think they did so to be easier to rule them Couple problems with this so. Couple of problems with convincing the local Muslim population is Islam, uh, uh, Islamic law for a bit alcohol and requires men to be circumcised. And Napoleon's troops, they weren't quite ready, uh, to cut some skin off their dicks and stop drinking to make things easier for their fearless leader.

Starting point is 01:15:40 You know, just seriously, you, you almost kill us in the desert when you forget about fucking water Then we five thousand dudes don't care if they live or die and now you want us to stop Celebrating and take some skin off our dicks no one of the British hate you you're an asshole On August 1st 1798 and Napoleon is man would end up fighting a more formidable opponent than the Gosh dang it the stupid word of the Namova loops in the Egyptian desert they would actually end up going head-to-head with none of this is in Hulk Hogan Hogan manias running wild brother

Starting point is 01:16:16 Napoleon was like what does that mean? Who's the man? Yeah, and then Hogan body slams some knowledge on him He was like I promised each and every Hoganiac when I went to that great battlefield in the sky I would bring the WWE with title with me brother and the poem was like, what is this? WWF and Hulk was like negativity and Hulkomania two things that don't go together brother What you gonna do when Hulkomania destroys you? And that's nonsense,. But that was fun. That pumped me up. Whole mania always gets me going.

Starting point is 01:16:48 The legendary British admiral Horatio Nelson had been hunting a Napoleon. So much better though, if it was a time travel in Holkhogan. But this is still pretty good. In the summer of 1798, but hunting down there, he didn't want, you know, and he's not gonna just let the French fuck up their trade routes. And on August 1st, he finds the polling.

Starting point is 01:17:05 The Battle of the Nile would be a very one-sided fight between the French and the British. It would go down as the most decisive victory up until that point in European naval history. Nelson piled drives Napoleon's fleet into fucking oblivion and stranded Bonaparte and his men in Egypt. Each side started off with 13 ships and the British ended up with 22 ships by the end. The French lost 9,000 men and all their ships were either captured or destroyed. The British suffered only roughly 200 to 900 dead

Starting point is 01:17:35 depends on the source, I mean, just a blow out victory. The battle also cost Napoleon a little Malta. The British kicked them the fuck out of the islands, now controlled the Mediterranean, which limited France's ability to retaliate against the UK. The loss of the battle of not as a night was huge loss for Napoleon historians agree that the Abu-Kir Bay was a poor place for him to have the French fleet lay anchor for three months.

Starting point is 01:17:58 Friendships had remained exposed in the shallow waters of the poorly guarded port. The French Admiral and charge of the fleet knew that wanted it moved deeper and safer waters, but bought apart and sisted they stay. The crushed Napoleon, Admiral Nelson, threw out the gentleman's rules of warfare at sea, instead of lining up ships and firing until one side just gave up, the British Admiral surrounded the anchored ships and pummeled them from all sides. Napoleon had his ships can as pointed towards the sea, so when the British trickled around behind him, they were just sitting ducks. A few historians have called this massacre Napoleon's Pearl Harbor. At one point in

Starting point is 01:18:29 the battle, the world's largest ship at the time, the French Orient caught fire and literally exploded. With 118 cannons, and when I can only assume, was a shit ton of gunpowder on board, the ship's explosion was supposedly hurt up to 50 miles away. Pretty safe to say, none of those soldiers and sailors had ever heard a noise that loud before. Despite this terrible lost propaganda, Napoleon was able to spend the battle in his favor. Despite losing ships, this monopart still had thousands of troops, and he also still had the 167 French scientists and scholars and artists he'd actually brought to Egypt to study Egyptian culture. And since he wasn't going anywhere, he just decided to do the best of the situation.

Starting point is 01:19:07 He found the Egyptian scientific institute, named himself Vice President, the French Academics and artists he brought over worked tirelessly to sketch, paint, record, discover everything they could about the ancient world of Egypt. Bonaparte himself was obsessed with the history of Egypt and he turned being stranded into a great excuse to explore his curiosity so much to explore like the great pyramid tallest building in the world of the time It would remain the tallest building in the world until the French built the Eiffel Tower in 1888 uh Napoleon scientists pumped out a 24 volume description of Egypt that will be published in 1809

Starting point is 01:19:41 and these 24 volumes basically founded modern-day Egyptology in 1809 and these 24 volumes basically founded modern day Egyptology. Egypt was a special place for Napoleon, but maybe not quite as special as parts of the internet believe. Some websites say he had a profound experience when he asked to be left alone in the King's Chamber during a great tour of the great pyramid. At least one website says in that chamber, he met illuminati aliens from another dimension. Most legitimate Napoleonic scholars don't think he even stepped foot inside the pyramid. Napoleon's greatest achievement in Egypt was probably his army's discovery of the Rosetta

Starting point is 01:20:13 Stone in mid-July 1799. The Rosetta Stone is a 1,500 pound granite tablet that has an official decree about the Greek pharaoh, told me the fifth carve into it, right? Told them is one of the, one of those in bread told me bastards, we learned so much about in the Cleopatra suck, so much in breeding, skinniest of skinny family trees. And there was that a stone was basically just a lot of pictures of the told them is fucking each other. No, no, the stone tablet was one of many copies that were supposedly placed in every

Starting point is 01:20:44 temple in Egypt at one time. And they were all written in three languages. That's what makes this thing so important. The languages carved into the stone are ancient hieroglyphics, and also an almost as old Egyptian language called Dymodic, and also Greek. The language the French were familiar with, and this was the treasure of all treasures. Because now, thanks to the, you know, the hieroglyphics being translated on the stone in degree, you know, they could unlock the mysteries of all the other hieroglyphics. The Rosetta Stone was found by a French officer named Pierre François Bouchard while he was helping to rebuild a wall during the reconstruction of the town of

Starting point is 01:21:20 Rosetta. The military sent the artifacts to the French science guys who immediately started bustin out those Greek phrase books, they decoded the stone before the British or the locals or both made them leave. A task which was pretty hard considering there was a lot of damage done to the stone. It was missing a large section of hieroglyphics at the top and pieces from the other two languages but they figured it out. By the end of Napoleon's run in Egypt, the French scientists had amassed one of the greatest collection to historical treasures ever seen. All these antiquity treasures after Napoleon had left for France amassed one of the greatest collections of historical treasures ever seen.

Starting point is 01:21:45 All these, you know, antiquity treasures. After Napoleon had left for France towards the end of the French occupation of Egypt, the British defeated the French and the English went on to preserve and protect the Rosetta Stone where it can be seen in the British Museum in London today. Okay, now back to battle. Still in Egypt, 1799, Napoleon and his army still stranded there. The locals rebel against their foreign oppressors in late 1799 Napoleon is army still stranded there. The locals rebel against their foreign oppressors in late 1799. Napoleon is taxing them to death to pay for his war efforts.

Starting point is 01:22:11 On October 21st, 1799 at 6 a.m., a large gathering of Egyptians began to attack the French. The French retaliate with a 12 hour cannon assault on the city's mosques and temples. Damage from those attacks can still be seen today. After Bonaparte regained control of Cairo, who was off to start more wars, and early March, Bonaparte's army marched across the Sinai Peninsula and into Western Syria to a city called Jaffa. The French laid siege to the city from March 3 to March 7. It was a quick victory, but when Napoleon sent in his emissaries to negotiate John Fist surrender, the Jaffins lopped off the Frenchman's heads and displayed them on post for all to see.

Starting point is 01:22:50 Not smart, bad move guys, you just lost, you just got siege, not a solid plan to cut the heads off the guys negotiating your surrender, right? How is that going to work out well for you? It's not like their army is just going to leave after that. Just oh shit, shit. They cut jocks and pierce heads off. Oh, God. You know, I don't think they want a surrender.

Starting point is 01:23:10 Okay. All right. I wish they would have said something. Let's just pack up our stuff and get out of here. They know they don't want us to be here. Now, when the French troops entered the city, after these beheadings, they go nuts. They rape and murder thousands. They gather up to 3,000 Joffaffee and troops executing with bayonets.

Starting point is 01:23:26 They don't want to waste bullets on them. The mythology says it took three days to kill them all, but they did it. They even hunted and executed those who tried to run or swim away. The next target was a city further north called Ocar. The French attacked it on March 20th. Ocar was defended by the Ottoman Empire and had a strong defensive wall. The city was led by General Jazar Pasha, known as the butcher, and he had no interest in surrender either.

Starting point is 01:23:50 The French had two options to win this siege. They could put up some tents, hang out, they could starve the city of provisions, or they could attack the well-defendant walls. Well, Napoleon chose to attack because the British were kind of helping them get some provisions. They had stocked them up. This attack was brutal. Over the siege, 9,000 French soldiers die.

Starting point is 01:24:09 Many from battle, many others from an outbreak of bubonic plague, fucking plague. The bodies of French soldiers had begun to stack up, and sadly not one was catapulted inside the city. Hi, you guys. Lo the shock, aim the shock, inside the city. Hi, you guys. Lo the shock aim the shock. File the shock. As the siege continues, Napoleon gets solo on weapons and ammo that he, he starts paying

Starting point is 01:24:32 troops to sneak onto the battlefield at night and recover used cannonballs, right? The bigger the cannonball, the more extra money they get. France would eventually abandon the siege head back to Egypt. This would be Napoleon's first major land defeat. I mean, obviously the British kicked his ass. See, he ends up having to leave many of his sick and wounded on behind an occur. And legend has on the way back to Jaffa, he may have also decided to poison other sick and wounded soldiers. Right? These guys are kind of fucking slowing us down. Let's say, let's poison if we can. History not clear on whether Bonaparte had

Starting point is 01:25:01 his troops poison secretly or if they volunteered during the poison I highly doubt that or even if there was poisons because history is tricky bastard You're dealing with propagandists and then the Poland returns to Egypt as if he had won the battles, right? Ah, he knew how he knew how to spin shit. He spoke of only victory in the Middle East You know many French citizens They bought his words when he traveled back to france many friends were in throw by the young general he could be brought to school antiquities treasures you know it was like his mythical trip to this land of pyramids and the Egyptian gods uh... later bonaparte would meet his to f would admit to his defeat and occur

Starting point is 01:25:38 uh... was a big disappointment and an important loss you later say if i had not been defeated in occurcar, I would have conquered all of the East. During his time around the plague, at least according to legend, and again, it's hard to tell what legend was not in this story, but supposedly Napoleon showed some serious fearlessness

Starting point is 01:25:56 to his troops, or I guess ignorance. At a medical hospital in Syria, he declared that the cause of the plague was fear, and that the cure was courage. He demonstrated his courage by picking up a dead soldier from the floor, a soldier who was covered and busted open plague boils, and he carried him to a more suitable rest in place. You know, ass it's not about fine. Dude, he did know how to inspire.

Starting point is 01:26:18 He also clearly did not know dick about the plague or who had never done that. When Napoleon returned to Egypt, he learned that France was in political chaos. The French Revolution was about to hand him the keys to the castle now and Bonaparte knew it. Problem was, he couldn't get his army home without his goddamn ships. Fucking ships! So he just snuck away by himself. He didn't tell his army or even his replacement officer.

Starting point is 01:26:40 He was going to be leaving and heading back to Europe. He didn't even tell his mistress. He left a letter and just hopped a boat back to France. And if you're wondering what happened to the French army he left behind, they would eventually be brought back to France by the British army after defeat in 1801. Back in France, despite ditching his army in Egypt, Napoleon, he's received as a hero.

Starting point is 01:26:59 He's a legend. Super famous. Has plays and paintings commissioned about his victories. He doesn't really talk about his losses, you know, he skips over, leaving troops, that whole part of the story, uh, folks is on the sports center highlights. Let's focus on the dunks, not on the turnovers. Operation God King, almost complete. After a sneaky return to Paris, Napoleon helps plan a bloodless military coup to replace

Starting point is 01:27:21 the existing French director, uh, directory now in charge. It would go down as the coup of 18, premiere, uh, uh, or bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri- bri Bonaparte was immensely popular. He also had his popular brothers Lucien and Joseph help him take over France. Bonaparte's plan was to get the directory to quit, to convince both houses of the French legislature, the council of the ancients, the council of the 500, to make a new constitution declaring him in charge. Lucien, his brother, who is the final president of the council of 500, persuaded the council to meet at the Chateau de Saint-Claude, and the suburbs of Paris, Lucien was able to persuade the council then to move to a less populated

Starting point is 01:28:07 location by falsely warning them of a Jacobin coup plot against them. This meeting was basically for Napoleon and his army to show up and intimidate and threaten the remaining government. It almost didn't work. He fucked up his speech, I guess, talking about God of War this and following me through the dangers on that. And he's ridiculed by the council and they see through his plot. So then to pull in, you know, he's basically like, okay, all right, if you don't like the

Starting point is 01:28:30 speech, here's the deal. I'm going to fucking kill you. We're going to do this. I will fucking kill you. And they're like, oh, all right, okay, I do get that speech. They dissolve the directory now, replace it with the three person consulate. Napoleon of course is declared first counsel he's in charge you be essentially becomes the or new dictator of france

Starting point is 01:28:50 uh... many historians consider this the end of the right french revolution uh... wouldn't wouldn't be long after this through the amendment to the constitution and pulling would be uh... come the first consul for life and then later name himself emperor very cesar s moves he is pulling out he's a big fantasy this is a complicated time in france in europe in general but but now the emperor could form an empire his own way okay now is a good time to look at one of bonaparte's most significant contributions to history and uh... uh... the Napoleonic code as emperor he did actually seem

Starting point is 01:29:20 to know how to run a country what makes Napoleon a legend goes well beyond his battlefield wins he contributed to a wide variety of fields. Under his direction, France built world-class buildings, monuments and bridges, push science, law, art, and founded many new schools, including the University of France in 1808. Perhaps more than anything, though, or at least for this second of the show, the most important thing he influenced was the way legal systems would run forever through a code. We think he helps develop uh... he may have just taken credit but we think he actually probably helped the whole new legal system would initially be called the civil code of the French and then it was changed to the napoleon i called nipole nipole is like oh hey

Starting point is 01:29:56 does that uh... how come that doesn't have my name in it had no no everything has my fucking name it uh... bonaparte's new law of the land was developed initially by a commission of four eminent jurists or law scholars. Other jurists would contribute a little later and Napoleon himself would contribute. Historians debate to this day about how much he contributed. The author started writing this new code in 1801 and spent years getting it right. The Napoleonic code was put into effect on March 21st, 1804, and it would go on to inspire

Starting point is 01:30:27 the legal systems of most of Europe, including Italy, the Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Portugal, Poland, pieces of Germany, some 40 modern nations now, O'Peace's or more of their current legal systems to Napoleon, including modern day France. The Napoleon at Code was derived from bits of Roman law, the French Revolution and other half-assed European attempts of governance. Napoleon's main objective was to make the law clearly written and easily accessible to all people of the state.

Starting point is 01:30:56 This would be a huge upgrade from the legal system of the French, to the authoritarian kings and queens. Within the feudal system of France, there were different privileges and special charters for kings, the clergy, and aristocrats. There weren't distinct laws, but hard to define customs and random decrees that were constantly changing.

Starting point is 01:31:11 The feudal system often consisted of whatever the monarchs wanted and or could get away with at the time, and this led to this crazy hodfodge of 42 different legal systems existing at the same time in France. Napoleon tore them all up and replaced them with one easy to understand code. The Napoleon and I coves a very nice step forward towards a more just and modern legal system. People tended to like it more than a king just making shit up on the fly. Okay, so now on to the next phase of this crazy guy's life or this guy's crazy life rather. February 23rd, 1804, big day for Napoleon. He crowned himself emperor in front of Pope Pius VII at the Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.

Starting point is 01:31:51 He was the first Frenchman to become an emperor in a thousand years. Project God King was officially a success. Napoleon started off as ruled by restructuring the French system of nobility. I created the Legion of Honor and rewarded his favorite ass kissers by choosing 3,000 people to play dress up and become nobles. 3,000 people loyal to him. As a boy, remember, he dreamed of a meritocracy and now he was kind of making one.

Starting point is 01:32:16 He was picking people with strong leadership qualities to help run the country, he's picking people with great military valor. But the main criteria was how loyal were they to him. Mostly picking people based on loyalty. So I guess he, you know, in a way, he kind of gave up on that meritocracy. These people were a mixture of the revolutionary elite and his friends and family. And he didn't give them any real power, by the way, outside of kind of being in the cool kids club and not getting taxed nearly as much as the common folks or not getting taxed at all. The idea of becoming nobles from the rank of common folk was unheard of.

Starting point is 01:32:47 Sons of tanners and inkeepers and millers are now part of the French elite. Napoleon creates a hereditary monarchy essentially also and places his family, his heads of state all over his empire. So they're right back to where they started. As we know, Napoleon understood the power of propaganda, his ability to rise to emperor was made possible by his ability to narrate his own mythology and by crushing notes who opposed him. He had a secret police force created to spy it as enemies and the people in general. He waged war on the press, reducing early versions of French newspapers from 60 and 1799 to just four by 1814.... and of course he continued to write and produce his own uh... you know legend

Starting point is 01:33:26 through place articles monuments paintings nipoli was so aware of the power print he would say that this isn't very interesting quote to me for hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets right and this is a guy who knew something about a bayonet

Starting point is 01:33:43 uh... nipoli was also very aware of the French peoples. What have you done for me lately, attitude? So he quickly goes about reminding them of why he was in charge in the first place by waging fucking war. Let's get back to that. It's a matter of debate between historians, even to this day, whether Bonaparte was just a war monger or a war hero. Most of them seem to agree though that despite row. Most of them seem to agree though that despite the reasons for going to war, he is real good at fighting. Yeah, yeah. Oh no, he ended up fighting in a 12 different military campaigns and anywhere and anywhere from 43 to 60 total battles. Records show he lost five to eight of those battles, depending on which the story you'd believe. Sixty and eight, by the way, solid record for any type of fighter. That's a Hall of Fame win-loss

Starting point is 01:34:24 spread for a boxer or MMA fighter. Most of his losses would come at the end of his military career, but so would some of his most impressive victories. Napoleon ended up fighting in more battles than his heroes Alexander the Great Julius Caesar and Hannibal combined. He also started two major wars. One was on the Iberian Peninsula against Spain and Portugal and one in Russia. Additionally, seven major war coalitions would be declared against him. All of them, by the way, funded or led in some way by the British. In 1803, the era known as the Napoleonic Wars began when Britain declared war on France. Now that Napoleon had his crown, Britain, and most of Europe became focused on taking it away from him. And to fund all of his fighting against the British,

Starting point is 01:35:04 Napoleon made a monumental real estate deal to change the future of the world. It affected America, Gray. Let's talk about the Louisiana Purchase for a second. The acquisition and quick sale of the Louisiana Territory is a really interesting part of Bonaparte's history that intertwines Napoleon and Thomas Jefferson. I've heard of him. It also includes the future of America, a selfish Spanish king, and ex-slave who became

Starting point is 01:35:27 a victorious general during a Caribbean revolution. Basically, like all of history, if a thousand different little things didn't go exactly the way they did, the world would be drastically different today. To Napoleon, though, Louisiana territory was a wasteland. Just 828,000 square miles of worthless and uncharted swamps and forests. Louisiana has been claimed by the French way back in 1682 and named by the Spanish for the French king, Louis XIV. For over 100 years, it remained almost as empty as far as Europeans go.

Starting point is 01:35:55 It was populated by a lot of American Indians and just a few kind of French military outposts for the most part. After the French Indian War in 1762, the French gave the entire territory away to Spain as a diplomatic gift for fighting with them. Spain didn't really want it. When Napoleon took power, he didn't see the potential of Louisiana alone, but he did see the potential of the economic combo of Haiti and Louisiana. Bonaparte cared about Haiti.

Starting point is 01:36:22 France was making a lot of money in Haiti, but they were having problems with Haiti. They were fighting back against French rule, and Louisiana was still owned by Spain. Deploying thought if he could have that, he could build up troops on the Louisiana territory, and then those troops could help keep Haiti in check. So he could keep making their money. So Napoleon went to work and secretly pressured the Spanish king, Carlos IV, to sign a treaty to swap Louisiana for a plush principality in French, French controlled northern Italy. As part of the seemingly sweet deal, Bonaparte promised he wouldn't sell the Louisiana territory

Starting point is 01:36:51 to any other countries. The might end up fucking with Spain later. You can see what this is going. King Carlos IV, he was a man whose country was slipping out from under his leadership when he took the deal. Across the Atlantic and the US, a pretty sharp guy, fan of the spirit of the French Revolution by the name of Thomas Jefferson. He was president. He got wind of the secret treaty and the swap between the Spanish and the French for the Louisiana territory. President Jefferson, not a fan of Napoleon, possibly the complete

Starting point is 01:37:16 opposite of him in temperament. He asked the minister from France about the secret French treaty with Spain. The minister said all that swampy bullshit, belonged to Spain. TJ knew that wasn't the truth. So President Jefferson decided to bluff the French and Napoleon. As part of his bluff, he wrote a letter that he knew would get back to Napoleon without actually saying his intentions for the U.S. were to join the British and fight in the French. He implied it and his deception was believed by Bonaparte. Napoleon rethought his Louisiana deal.

Starting point is 01:37:43 He didn't have time to fight America. He needed to focus on kicking all of Europe's ass. Finally, make the British pay. The emperor knew that war was on the horizon. You're a big, big war and he needed cash badly to fund his war efforts. Perhaps the most crucial part of this whole situation was the French territory of Sondomang, aka Haiti. Sondom, was known as the Jewel of France, and responsible for two-third of all of France's foreign trade at its peak production. At one point it was the richest colony in the world, at least in profit per square mile. Sugar was the main commodity, the African slave labor was the workforce, the French

Starting point is 01:38:19 slave drivers were brutal and literally worked the slaves to death by 1787, around 450,000 slaves were on the island, and estimated 40,000 slaves were brought to slaves to death by 1787 around 450,000 slaves were on the island and estimated 40,000 slaves were brought to Sontema and 1787 alone. Haiti had begun liberating itself from France starting in 1791. They would eventually gain their independence in 1804. Britain, of course, was backing the Haitian Revolution, fighting alongside the X-laves, Britain, man, constant th yeah, in the pulling side. Emperor Bonaparte sent ships and the largest amount of troops overseas at the time, 27,000

Starting point is 01:38:51 men to try to quell the Caribbean rebellion. He thought I would take a few weeks. He was very wrong. The war in San Demong used guerrilla warfare tactics against a pulling that they had never encountered. The Haitian forces led by X-LAVE, now general to Saunt, La Verteur, was super mobile and they fought in small groups. They attacked the highly regimented French, right?

Starting point is 01:39:13 They were fighting those squares. By fighting behind trees and rocks, fighting at night, attacking and then fleeing and then poisoning the French soldiers' food and water supplies. And I'm always surprised this type of thing didn't happen more often, old time warfare. Like, whoever thought it was a great idea, just to march your guys straight ahead in big lines, right into cannon or muscular archer fire. You know, you know who thought that leaders who didn't give a fuck about losing thousands of men?

Starting point is 01:39:40 They're meant to just cannon fodder. They were all too willing to sacrifice 10,000 men in army of thirty thousand for example to kill like you know twenty thousand of the enemy if they thought they could get the jump on so insane i would like to think if i was one of those soldiers i would at least try to bring up the possibility of maybe hide behind some trees and rocks just to excuse me excuse me general excuse me uh... yes coming to what is it

Starting point is 01:40:01 i i'll get hit me out this might sound great what if what if instead of just standing in easily targeted kind of lines, slowly walking into Canifier? What if we hid behind some treats and some rocks? And then the other guys, they marched toward us and we kind of just, you know, pop out and shoot at them from time to time.

Starting point is 01:40:21 It just is not. It seems like it's worth trying. The French soldiers had never seen this type of fight in before, plus the Haitians in their general had a secret weapon, mosquitoes carrying yellow fever. Man, first the fucking plague and now this. The locals were immune to open the French got hit hard of the nearly 30,000 French troops and Haiti, only 4,000 of them would be strong enough to fight by the end of the battle. They were so sick or dying or dead from yellow fever. Haiti with the help of the British and Spanish liberated itself in 1804, yeah, and then ruined

Starting point is 01:40:49 all of Napoleon's plans in the Caribbean. I found a recent historian who called this Napoleon's Vietnam. Right? First Admiral Nelson hits him with his own Pearl Harbor, and now these mosquitoes and dudes hiding behind trees are hitting him with Vietnam. In total, during the Haitian Revolution, France would lose 75,000 men, and the Haitians and British lost 200,000 and 45,000 respectively, despite losing more troops overall. They'd just still beat the French, so it wasn't a quick couple of weeks easy victory.

Starting point is 01:41:17 The French loss of Haiti made the Louisiana Territory undesirable to Napoleon, and that couple to gain with his concern that America may want to fight him, his need for more cash to fight Europe, all of that helped him convince him to get rid of the territory. So to help fund the war efforts against those pesky English Napoleon sold more than 800, thousand square miles to the US for 15 million on April 30th, 1803. Initially came out to be about four cents a square mile. And a lot of people have called it the greatest real estate deal in the history of the world. The Louisiana Ter real estate deal in the history of the world. The Louisiana Territory immediately doubled the size of the U.S. six states and pieces of

Starting point is 01:41:51 nine more would be made out of it. And it would also help fuel Napoleon's war machine in Europe. Back to the European theaters of war, your pre-Land Napoleon of course lasted for over a decade from 1803 until 1815. This dude fought so much. Fought so many different nations. Basically fought all of Europe over. And over again, the fighting got bloodier and bloodier and bloodier as artillery gun technology

Starting point is 01:42:15 and tactics pushed the battles harder and harder. Initially, mostly since British laid to the west of France and not to the east, and he didn't have to worry about naval battles. Napoleon was able to steamroll over the armies of Europe by 1805. Much of the continent was under his control. With so many victories, he was feeling invincible. Napoleon was fighting multiple wars, battles in multiple places. He was winning most of them.

Starting point is 01:42:38 The peninsula war, though, was one he would not win. Napoleon invaded Spain and Portugal at 1807 and the conflict wouldn't end until 18014. The regimented French army was once again put off balanced by enemy guerrilla tactics this time from the Spanish and Portuguese. During the peninsula war in 1805 his fate would have it and Napoleon would have most of his fleet destroyed by the British Navy for a second time. Man he had to be in piss, just motherfucking boats! God damn it, I hate boats! If those bangers and mash-eaten cock-sockers

Starting point is 01:43:09 just didn't have boats, I would rule the world. Choke on your beans and toast, you boat-loving bastards. And what do you know what? It was the same guy who beat him in C, who beaten him back in Egypt. In the Battle of Trafalgar, just like in the Battle of the Nile, the famous Admiral Horatio Nelson commanded a British victory.

Starting point is 01:43:25 Nelson destroyed all of Napoleon's ships again. Admiral Nelson, however, would die in this in battle. So at least Napoleon didn't have to worry about the same dude getting a three-peed on him. The British Navy that would continue to dominate the seas for the next 100 years. And for a Bonaparte, would end his Napoleonic Wars with zero allies, the United Kingdom and every nation in Europe would end up joining in one of the Several military coalitions against him including the Holy Roman Empire Russia Sweden Naples Sicily Prussia Soxony Hungary Spain Sardinia

Starting point is 01:43:56 Austria Portugal the Netherlands Bavaria Vutemburg bottom Even Switzerland even Switzerland joined in even Switzerland was like you, usually we try to stay neutral, but fuck that guy. Despite so many nations joining forces to beat him, Napoleon initially was kicking all of their asses, other than Britain's. And he might have somehow eventually been able to take over the entire continent, but he pulled a Hitler and he tried to invade Russia on top of fighting everybody else. After Russia pulled out of a shipping blockade agreement called the continental system, then

Starting point is 01:44:28 Napoleon had set up against Britain, Bonaparte tried to punish him for it, just like Napoleon underestimated the devastating heat of the Egyptian desert, he underestimated the might of a Russian winter. He ignored his advisors. In a June of 1812, he took his men to war in Russia. He actually assembled the largest army in the history of Europe to attack Russia. Estimates range between 450 and 650,000 French troops ended up fighting against 200,000 Russian soldiers.

Starting point is 01:44:58 Napoleon's goal was to fight Russia near their western border, Croschenquik, and that was not Russia's plan. The Russians knew they'd have a hard time fighting the massive border, crush them quick, and that was not Russia's plan. The Russians knew they'd have a hard time fighting the massive French army face to face, so they fought unconventionally attacking, retreating, attacking, retreating, drawing Napoleon deeper and deeper into the forbidden Russian terrain as the weather grew colder. And then just as disease had ravaged Napoleon's troops in Syria and Haiti, once again, his soldiers are dying by the thousands this time of typhus, dysentery, and diphtheria.

Starting point is 01:45:32 Estimates put the French deaths at well over 100,000 who died of disease. And yet we have a growing anti-vaccination movement today. Fucking history turns out it's important to know some shit about. Why do we have vaccinations, anti-vaxxers, so we don't die of shit like diphtheria? You fucking emotionally thinking idiot. God damn it. Okay. On September 7th, 1812, the French emperor oversees the bloodiest battle of the Russian campaign

Starting point is 01:46:01 at the Battle of Borodino. Not far from Moscow, the village of Borodino was the best place for the Russian army to make their stand. They weren't going to lose Moscow without a fight. When the smoke cleared, the losses on both sides were immense. Russians lost around 40,000 troops while the French lost an estimated 30 to 45,000. 35,000. Most historians put the official number at around 70,000 dead in just one battle.

Starting point is 01:46:25 By September 14th and pulling watched the Russians burn three quarters of their own city of Moscow to make sure the French didn't have enough food or supplies that they needed to stick around. Bonaparte was forced to retreat with around 21 to 23,000 soldiers. Think about how many he had brought. Despite the French Emperor's heavy losses, he quickly recruited more men now fought Germany. He's not done. Ah, lose a couple hundred thousand dudes, fuck whatever, malchip, Biden. Several battles were fought between French forces and an allied army that would grow to over 360,000 men. Not to be outdone by the battle of Bordino, the

Starting point is 01:46:58 battle of Leipzig in Germany, also known as the Battle of Nations would go on to be the bloodiest battle in European history until World War I. Nearly 600,000 soldiers are involved. Well over half a million men fighting, ends up with between 80 and 127,000 total casualties, over 2,000 artillery weapons fired, over 200,000 rounds of ammunition. Napoleon's forces had 38,000 men killed or wounded and another 15,000 were captured. This loss really put a dent in Napoleon's invincible God King self-described spiritual successor to Charlemagne persona. Right, student of the fight he would make its way back to France and Napoleon's first reign as emperor would come to it and you can't propaganda your way out of getting your ass kicked in your own country. Right, at March 30, 18, 14, the Allied armies pushed Napoleon all the way back to Paris within a week on Iprosix. come to it and you can't propaganda your way out of getting your ass kicked in your own country. Right? March 30, 18, 14, the Allied armies pushed Napoleon all the way back to Paris within a week

Starting point is 01:47:49 on April 6th and Napoleon is forced to abdicate his throne. He is exiled to Elba. This part of the story makes no fucking sense to me on any level. He's exiled to Elba, an island in the Mediterranean, just six miles off of the coast of Tuscany, South of France, right? Or remarkably, Napoleon able to negotiate his own terms, his own surrender terms. He himself chooses Elba and he's supposed to be paid two million francs annually and be given a guard of 400 men. What a great way to get kicked out of your country.

Starting point is 01:48:21 Like I would love to lose like that. That's the best way to lose ever. Dan, we're kicking you out of Idaho. All right. Uh, son of a bitch. We're fuck, we're tired of it. We're tired of you shit. So get ready for this. Uh, I can't wait to see you weep. We are going to send you to Hawaii where we're going to force you to make do with about two million dollars a year and just have a staff of a few hundred. So take that. Enjoy time on the beach with all your money. You fucking idiot.

Starting point is 01:48:47 How fun does it feel? Is it to lose? Good, this is great. Napoleon will also be considered the sovereign of Elba. He's playing charge. Why, why would they do this? He used to be called Emperor. He's Emperor of Elba now.

Starting point is 01:49:02 Instead of 70 million people, he always ruling about 12,000. Also about 1,000 of his most devout supporters are allowed to live with him on Elba. Why would you do that? Somehow this seems like a good idea to the Allied forces to let Napoleon keep living, to give him a lot of money, just surrounding with his closest, most high-ranking supporters, give him essentially a tiny army, let him rule the small nation. The British provide him with an official babysitter, some officer named Neil Campbell, who does a whole lot of dick. Napoleon essentially ignores

Starting point is 01:49:29 him and starts preparing to fuck Europe up again. Napoleon, a customer being in charge, takes his rule in help, but seriously, he changes their legal system, fixes their schools, instigates infrastructure improvements like new roads, the draining of marshes, boost agriculture, develops minds, even redesigns their flag and it still flies today. I roads, the draining of marshes, boost agriculture, develops minds, even redesigns their flag and it still flies today. I mean, the guy was really good at running things and when he wasn't just deciding to try and take over everything. Bonaparte spent 300 days really in Elba.

Starting point is 01:49:56 His mother was able to join him there. His second wife Marie Louis and his son Napoleon Jr. They don't join him, but his Polish mistress Marie, well, well, Lusca does join him. Of course, of course she does. It was there that she introduced Bonaparte to the son they'd had together, Alexandre Joseph, who legend has it at four heads, which was the average amount of heads for Polish people that time.

Starting point is 01:50:21 Uh, through, through his many visitors, Napoleon had been gathering intelligence on his enemies. He learned that the French people were already getting a little tired of their new king. Louis the 18th, they got a fucking king again. Why? Why? Monopart's followers still in France were planning a rebellion. He learned that the British who are weary of his constant guess wanted to move him to a much more prison-like atmosphere. Moving to an island called St Helena, a little island of less than 50 square miles, roughly 1200 miles off the western coast of Africa, roughly 1800 miles from the eastern coast of South America.

Starting point is 01:50:56 It's in the middle of fucking nowhere, in the middle of the land up between South America and Africa. Well, we'll talk about that a little more in a bit. Bonaparte begins planning his escape. The elbow dictator isn't discreet about it either. Even announced he's leaving to the other elba officials because the english did not pay the money he was supposed to receive he feels justified and it was like a breach of the treaty

Starting point is 01:51:13 so he just uh... he escapes he builds a military force of two thousand men six hundred imperial guards puts together a small fleet of ships he calls his navy painted fleet to look like big british ships uh... or uh... look to look like big British ships or I'm just going to be look to look like British ships packs 1150 followers in them set sail for France and sneaks past the British on March 20th 1815 he makes it back to French soil immediately rallies another army of supporters regains control of France. Right?

Starting point is 01:51:40 Nah, it's now time for emperor the sequel. Part of his speech goes like this soldiers in my exile, I heard your voice. Your general is restored to you. Come and join him. Tear down those colors, which the nation has prescribed and which for 25 years served as a rallying signal to all the enemies of France. Mount the cockade tri-color. You bore it in the days of our greatness. He's good, man. He's good. March 25th, 1815 upon learning, then Napoleon returned to France and taken it over again,

Starting point is 01:52:10 Europe collectively sighed and thought, why the fuck did we not kill him? Europe, your bonds again together, over their common enemy, they prepared to fight him again. Napoleon's second-run at Emperor God King, only lasts 100 days,

Starting point is 01:52:24 but it's packed full of a lot of violence. You know, I became known as the Hundred Day Campaign. After several battles, Napoleon is finally defeated once and for all at Waterloo in Belgium. Finally, unreal how long it took for Europe to beat this dude for good. On June 19th, 1815, 72,000 French troops versus 68,000 British Belgian Dutch and German troops fight in the Battle of Waterloo. A deciding factor in Napoleon losing once again is weather.

Starting point is 01:52:50 This time it's rain. It was Napoleon's choice to either wait until midday to attack or attack early in the morning. His idea was to wait, wait until the muddy terrain dries a bit. And his choice proves to be a fatal mistake. The delay gives upwards of 30,000 pressure troops just enough time to join their allies and outnumber the French and time for the battle. The French forces are defeated. Napoleon reportedly, at least told by the British, rides back to France and tears. Allied forces capture an defeated, Napoleon

Starting point is 01:53:17 again and decide, hey, maybe we shouldn't let him be emperor anymore. This time he isn't given an island to be ruler of this time. They're going to put him to that St. Helen Island, but they still don't kill him, which is crazy to me. They do send him out to this remote St. Helena Island to live his final days as the prisoner. I do not remember ever hearing about this little teeny island before the suck. It is so small and so remote. Napoleon called his new home the cursed rock.

Starting point is 01:53:44 Bonaparte would spend the rest of his days playing cards and dictating his memoirs. This little island was found, little extra trivia here, I'm just fascinated by this place. Found by Portrie's Explores at the dawn of the 16th century. No indigenous people were found living there, but the island had plenty of fresh water and soil, good enough to grow fruit and vegetables, so they build a few structures, plant a bunch of fruit trees and vegetables, import livestock, and they basically use it as kind of a 16th century truck stop for boats headed between Europe and South America or between Africa and South America or basically for any trade routes. It took sailors through that remote area.

Starting point is 01:54:18 Today, a little less than 5,000 people live there full time and I so want to visit this place. It just got an airport a few years ago. It is so isolated. Many rescue attempts were allegedly planned by Bonaparte supporters, even one involving early submarines, but nothing came to fruition. And Napoleon would die of apparent stomach cancer

Starting point is 01:54:36 on in St. Aaron, St. Helena, May 5th, 1821 at the age of 51. He requested to be buried in France, along the banks of the scene amongst the French people. I've loved so much, but the British buried him on his cursed rock. And then in 1840, his body was finally dug up, taken to France, although possibly not all of it. Couple interesting pieces go missing allegedly, more on that just a second. Even the French did not honor his burial wishes. Instead of burying him by the river, the river scene, he was entombed in the hotel day in Valais,

Starting point is 01:55:11 in Deso Valides, a cemetery for honored French military leaders. And that takes us out of this, was epic, time suck timeline. Good job, soldier. You've made it back barely. I know I may have messed up some words, but I do feel like compared to earlier French-based sucks, better this time, better this time, feeling the French a little more. Before I wrap up with final thoughts and take with us, talk about those missing body parts

Starting point is 01:55:43 for a second. The main one, of course, is his penis. It's almost certainly a myth, but it's the nursing myth. The French doctor working on Napoleon's corpse in St. Helena and perhaps one of the most brazen cases of malpractice in human history. If it did happen, supposedly took a couple souvenirs, including the Bonaparte rib and the emperor's wean. And he was not secretive about it. The myth states that there were apparently 17 eyewitnesses that watched a doctor cut off the Emperor's, rotted up manhood and just put it in a little box. Which, you know, that seems legit.

Starting point is 01:56:13 There's a big group of people gathered around a doctor cutting off a rotten dick, right? Would there even still be anything there like 20 years later? And then this weird ass doctor supposedly gave the Emperor's man route to Napoleon's personal chaplain who took it to Corsica. Chaplain is killed in some unrelated blood feud, but the 1.5 inch, the mummified peepie,

Starting point is 01:56:35 of the God King managed to stay in his family for 100 years. Napoleon's tiny rotted dick apparently has passed then down through several generations of the same family that a 1924, an English book requires it puts it in a jar and like a proper English gentleman labels it a mummified tendon. And then later it sold for 400 pounds finds its way to Philadelphia in 1927. The French art museum in New York apparently gets a hold of it displays Napoleon's dick for a bit tries to sell it back to France. They don't want to buy it probably because it's not Napoleon's dick.

Starting point is 01:57:05 Then eight years later, one of the world's most famous neurologists, John K. Latimer buys Napoleon's dingle dangle for $3,000. This guy also worked as neurologist at the Nuremberg Trials when I'm to become somewhat famous for collecting creepy shit. Part of his collection was a bit of blood soaked fabric from inside JFK's limousine, a bloody collar worn by Abe Lincoln on the night of his assassination, assassination, and the Latimer family is still allegedly in possession of Napoleon's mud hammer.

Starting point is 01:57:31 I can imagine someone in the Latimer family just waiting for their grandparent to die, so they can just get their hands on that Wang. Just come on, come on, nena! I want that sweet, clean Napoleon Wien. So that's that, that's legend. Probably not true, but interesting story. So what a life Napoleon lived though, right? People died pretty much everywhere he went.

Starting point is 01:57:52 He also helped modernize the military, law, education, accounting, and banking. He pushed science in the arts. He was responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of men in his effort to take over the world. But our world has also benefited many ways from his influence. Some historians like to lump to point in with the most vicious tyrants in history like Hitler and Stalin. Others place him in the highest theme with great men like Charlemagne, Alexander the Great,

Starting point is 01:58:16 the guy who invented yoga pants. Hey, I was the Fina. Recent article on towards data science.com ranked all military generals created a list of the best work commanders ever and based on whatever stats they use Napoleon blue everyone away number one by landslide more than double in the runner up in the list usually cesar i mean he was i mean he was he fought like basically all of the rest of europe for a long time

Starting point is 01:58:39 uh... Napoleon bought a part was brilliant innovative also brutal and petty you reshape the world be let a lot of corpses behind behind him, famous for being able to inspire men who fought him into battle, but also very reckless with their lives when they did so. Talented propagandists, part of the reason we talk about it today is he used propaganda to exaggerate his mythology. Perhaps more than anything, Napoleon, like I said earlier, showed what a single life can do. What one little shaved-up with tools can accomplish in a lifetime with a lot of ambition, dump load, truck, a self-confidence, and a bit of luck.

Starting point is 01:59:12 You can fester away into a place in history forever. Pretty amazing what meat sack. What one meat sack can accomplish for better or for worse, with one short life on this planet. Interesting. What Napoleon himself thought of how his legacy would be remembered, he would write towards end of his life in spite of all the libel, so I have no fear of whatever about my fame. Posterity will do me justice, the truth will be known, and the good which I have done with

Starting point is 01:59:37 the faults which I have committed will be compared. I am not uneasy for the results. Had I succeeded, I should have died with the reputation of the greatest man that ever existed. As it is, although I have failed, I shall be considered as an extraordinary man. My elevation was unparalleled, because unaccompanied by crime, I have fought 50 pitched battles, almost all of which I have gained. I have framed and carried into effect a code of laws that will bear my name to the most distant posterity. From nothing, I raised myself to be the most powerful

Starting point is 02:00:10 monarch in the world. Europe was at my feet. My ambition was great. I admit, but it was of a cold nature and caused by events and the opinion of great bodies. I have always been of opinion that the sovereignty lay in the people. In fact, the imperial government was kind of a republic. Call to the head of it by the voice of the nation. My maximum was my, oh, my, my maximum was the career is open to talents without distinction of birth or fortune. And this system of equality is the reason that your oligarchy hate me so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, kind of an interesting perspective on his life. Man, his ambition was to be the greatest man

Starting point is 02:00:49 who world it ever known. And I think the people hated him so much because you continually fucking kill people and you're up everywhere. You were the worst in that way. And that way you're a worse than every serial killer we have ever talked about combined. Okay, a lot of info.

Starting point is 02:01:05 Let's hit the high notes again, resummerize some of it and learn a little bit more with today's top five takeaways. Time, suck, top five takeaways. Number one, Europe should still be thinking a great Britain for stopping Napoleon. Every time he got some momentum, they were right there to sink his battleships. Number two had the British not sunk Napoleon's battleships. While he was in Egypt, there's a chance he would have still, we would still have no idea what hieroglyphics, you know, what they mean. Number three, France, Fathlie, bloody French revolution, specifically to remove

Starting point is 02:01:37 a royal dictator. And when it was all said and done, they ended up with another dictator, Napoleon. If you're going to fight for change, make sure that if you win, you actually truly change some things. Number four, Napoleon was born on one small island, not bothering anyone. And 51 years later, he would die on another little island, not bothering anyone again. In between, he would wreak havoc on Europe, unlike anyone ever had for over two decades number five new info lot of people died because of Napoleon like so many some possible to determine exactly how many total

Starting point is 02:02:11 but it's estimated that anywhere from the three million two hundred fifty thousand two six million five hundred thousand died in the Napoleonic wars and that total includes you know military of all sides civilians of all sides uh... and that total does not include Napoleon's Egyptian or Haitian or Middle Eastern or other pre-Napoleonic war battles. Lot of death. Time to suck.

Starting point is 02:02:34 Tough, five take away. So that's it for this week. Wow, Napoleon, big suck. We sucked it. I know there was a lot we didn't get to. The dude lived way, way, way, way too much life to have it properly investigated in a couple hours. You know, you could do an entire podcast easily dedicated

Starting point is 02:02:54 to just Napoleon, you know, and run it for a long, long time. But I think we give a nice overview today. No shortage of info out there on the internet if you want to suck further out there at your library, the bookstores, Andrew Roberts, New York Times best-selling 2014 Napoleon biography, simply titled Napoleon a Life, has gotten a ton of excellent reviews.

Starting point is 02:03:13 I haven't read it, they're not a sponsor, but it did win a Los Angeles Times book prize for biographies. The great course is plus a sponsor, also has an entire course devoted to Napoleon and the French Revolution. So a lot more to suck out there if you want to find it. Big thanks to the time-slug team. Thanks to the Queen of the Suck Lindsey Cummins high priestess as the suck harmony valet camp,

Starting point is 02:03:33 Jesse Gardin of Grammar Doebner, Reverend Dr. Joe Paisley, time-slug high priest Alex Dugan, the guys at Biddelix are danger brain, access to peril. Thanks to the Lily Twins for kicking off the research this week. Awesome is ever and huge, huge thanks to new full time suck dungeon employees act flannery for as immense help when this will get him a nickname soon. It's insane work week this week in the suck dungeon. Got to give him a proper, proper intro later when I'm not touring with the happy murder tour stand up for a week. And by the way, you know, going to be in Des Moines, Kansas City, and Nashville, you know, coming up here soon this week, and then Dallas and Houston soon after.

Starting point is 02:04:10 Next week on Times Like We Head North for more history, suck the Vikings. Hail Odin! Get on that spider horse! Well, the Vikings, much more complicated than just the brutal sociopaths they're often portrayed as, wasn't just raping and pillaging. We're gonna find out how the descendants of Viking warriors evolved from international pirates and slavers to some of the modern world's most advanced in the gallitarian nations. We're going to cover a few thousand years in North history and a single suck.

Starting point is 02:04:34 We're going to try not to humiliate our growing group of Scandinavian suckers in the process. I know in Sweden, especially, we're getting more and more suckers. We're going to talk about the zerkers. The Viking discovered at North America Gonna look into the lives of some famous Vikings such as Eric the Red leaf Erickson and Olaf some last fucking name crazy Asward. I hope to have a better handle on next week and many other Vikings We're gonna revisit some of the North mythology from our North mythology suck and a lot more time now for today's time sucker updates Updates, get your time sucker updates Okay, first update talking about a lot of war today have an interesting World War one suck update coming in from Cameron Wilkinson

Starting point is 02:05:20 Cameron writes dear Luciferin is chief conquisted a horror Cameron writes, dear Luciferous chief conquisted a horror. Just wanted to thank you for a wonderfully dark and informative podcast. It's really helped me bond with my brother after not seeing him for two years. Hail Nimrod. I love that. I talked to a lot of time suckers after the Cleveland live suck. I love hearing stories about people getting closer with family, friends, making new friends, forming new bonds because of just just had an interesting shit to talk about every week.

Starting point is 02:05:45 I just got down with the World War I suck and thought it was awesome. If I could just add one thing, I'd like to talk about the aviation innovations that took place. Before interruptive gear, or even the protective plane on the back of the propeller blades were thought of. Now, this is that interruptive gear is what allowed, you know, the fighter planes back on what one to shoot in between the propellers as they're flying so they can, you know, have these mounted guns shoot at the other planes. Well, before this German and French reconnaissance aircraft would try to shoot each other down by firing

Starting point is 02:06:12 rifles and handguns, most likely revolvers at each other while passing by, kind of like jousting in the near. Thought you might find that interesting. I do. If you don't read the whole email, if it doesn't make any of the what this big deal, keep pumping out that sweet suck, see you in Nimrod's nuts. Yes, there, that's awesome. Thank you. Just lean out the plane, shooting at another plane with a rifle.

Starting point is 02:06:34 How do you like that job? That's insane. Thanks for sharing that. And yeah, hope to see you in Nimrod's ball sack down the road, buddy. We mentioned McGill's pop today, and we have an interesting butt update from Time Sucker goes by, uh, canicus.

Starting point is 02:06:47 Hey, Dan, I listened to your Donner party suck. And I just wanted you to know you weren't too far from the truth when you joked about McGill's pop. It's actually called prolapse. And can happen if you push too hard when defecating. It's the tearing of the anal wall, which makes the anus fall out. It's caused by too much anal sex. Uh, actually, I would correct in that, the wrong kind of anal, or, or makes the anus fall out. It's caused by too much anal sex. Actually,

Starting point is 02:07:05 I would correct the wrong kind of anus or hard pushing when defecating. PS, don't research that word alone or you'll go to websites that are unsavory. Love always soon to be space lizard canicus. Yes, anal prolapse is no joke. Absolutely should not be Googled unless you are a masochist and you have a strong stomach. And for sure, definitely do not, as I did one time, I just couldn't help myself. Someone's like, dude, you've seen those pictures of dogs who have pro left spot holes. And I'm like, no, they're like, just look it up. And I wanted to just like fucking smash. I wanted to throw up on my computer and then just smash into a million pieces.

Starting point is 02:07:39 It was so gross. A little more poop knowledge coming in from TimeCaker, Brittany K. Ready, right? Dear master suck, I recently listened to your order of the solar temple suck and had a hilariously interesting conversation with my spouse who would not let yet listen to it. Just a little background for you, I am an answer apology major with a health emphasis.

Starting point is 02:07:56 So I have looked up a lot of weird medical things for school. When you were talking about Dr. Luke Jure, using homeopathic curers and how he might have tried to convince someone to let me, to let me defecate in the mouth because he had a healthy poop to cure the person with unhealthy poop. It made me think of a fecal microbial transplantation, FMT. And FMT is where someone with healthy poo donates it to a clinic. They mix it with a saline solution and then inject it into an unhealthy

Starting point is 02:08:25 person's colon. Via a colonoscopy to cure some bacterial issues. It's actually a brilliant way of fixing some very terrible diseases, but still, when you said this, it reminded me of this. I was telling my spouse about this and he jokingly said that while Dr. Lucia Ray went to defigate in the patient's mouth, he must have thought, whoa, wrong hole, wrong hole. Anyways, very good laugh from this and just thought you might too. Yes, attaches a short video explaining a fecal micro microbial transplantation with some

Starting point is 02:08:53 cute cartoons and a boring narrator if you're interested on how it works. Well, thank you. Oh, no, she's the end. You say, thank you for all you do in making the world a better, more learned place. You're soon to be space. There's once I finally graduate and get a real job, Brittany. Thank you, Brittany. I've not watched the video yet.

Starting point is 02:09:09 Maybe I will soon. It sounds better than the other images I could have seen based on the previous update. And we also had a lot of time suckers riding about fecal transplants the past few weeks. So thank you for sharing that info all of you. I totally believe it's real. I appreciate the kind words and hail, Nimrod. And finally, last one for today, I got Time Sucker Cassandra with one of my lies,

Starting point is 02:09:30 and she also sent in a great meme regarding more of my lies that I'll share with you. Dear motherfucker, Time Suck Master of all, love the podcast, wanna let you know that you got my ass with the Ombria Sinoans and the's and the monster of the and East time suck. And that Pedro lo Pes one I was driving home from work listening to it and started to freak out especially when you said that Southern time suckers would know what you were talking about because they were appearing down there.

Starting point is 02:09:54 I was starting to call some of my friends who had just moved down there when I heard you say it was all bullshit. What followed was a very awkward conversation. I usually see through your bullshit but this time I really thought it was true. Also, I saw this pic on Facebook and it made me think of how much you hate to polish scum as a joke, obviously. I don't know if you will trust this link or if it'll work for you, but it did when I tested it.

Starting point is 02:10:17 I hope you get a kick out of it like I did. Keep on sucking. I'll keep on sucking you. I like it. Mutual suckage, Cassandra. Cassandra. Yes, I did click the link. And also a lot of time, sucker sent in this via either Instagram or the email. I'm so thankful for it. There's

Starting point is 02:10:30 a meme out there like Reddit and some places. And it starts off like a big, it's like a kind of a hard picture to post because it's very tall, but it, it starts off with headlines of crimes committed by Polish people or, or just things you know um... silly things polis people is done so it says polis man finds bullet in head five years after party polis man tries rafting to australia polis man electric you to the wall peeing uh... polis man tries to rob bank with spoon and then the meme says florida man

Starting point is 02:11:03 and then uh... and then florida man says finally a worthy opponent our battle will be legendary uh... yes of course so many horrible article start up with floor man was arrested today so i love that thank you for sending that in thanks all of you and thanks for listening to our show continuing to let us what we do uh... here on time suck that's all for today's updates. Thanks, TimeSuckers. I need a net. We all did. Have a great week, everybody.

Starting point is 02:11:32 Don't try to take over all of Europe. But if you must try, you know, do your best to avoid pushing Eastern to Russia in the winter. And most importantly, keep on sucking. music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music music

Timesuck with Dan Cummins - 134 - Napoleon MF'n Bonaparte!

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