Trailer Park Boys Presents: Park After Dark - Episode 7 - Real Deal Fancy Wine Tasting

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

The Boys break out the dirty ol' cupboard wine for a fancy tasting session - which tipple passes with flying carpets, and which is gonna make Ricky puke? Also: Get banged on a cruise, get a f**king bruise!

Look, there's no fucking way you painted that, man. I'm telling you, that was a toy was in that thing or something. No. And you cut it out, you may have colored it. Two weeks. You didn't paint it, man. Took me two weeks to do it. Late at night.

A lot of drugs. A lot of liquor. A lot of liquor. A lot of paint. Yeah, but you're not artistic, man. There's no fucking way you painted that. You didn't... Okay. You painted that.

Yep. You didn't paint that. Oh, yeah, I did. And then I put it in the oven. Did he paint this fucking turtle? Turtle, I believe. He may have. No, no, no, no. Look at it. That's like... That was made in a yard. Bubz, did he paint this fucking turtle? Turtle, I believe he may have. No, no, no, no.

Look at it. That's like, that was made in a factory. Look at it. Look at how it's, like, glistening and shit. No, I... No, you touched him up. Well, there was paint involved anyway. You touched it up.

See, there's a big fucking... No, no, Ricky, this isn't the one I was thinking of. This one's paint. The paint's under the glaze. Told you. No, I grazed it. And this thing. Did he fucking do that whole thing?

No. Yeah, I told you. That is fresh paint, you can tell. Yeah, but you did not draw it. You may have... I don't... You did not even paint that, man. There's no fucking way.

Don't judge me, man. I'm not judging you. How you feeling, man? I might have a knife, boys. All right. I need to, like, sit down for, like, two or three minutes and not talk. Really? Yes.

Sit here? That's unfortunate timing because the thing's happening there. Welcome to the Perk After Dark. I'm Ricky. Bobbles. Julian. Wow, what a Canada Day celebration, huh? Yeah, July 1st and July 4th, for some reason we celebrated that.

I guess because we have American friends. That's right, man. Just another excuse to get fucked. Wow, we're a lively bunch. All right, I'm gonna try to get through this one. I think it's Friday. Friday, man. Yeah, but what's the date?

July 4th, I remember, was Monday. So how many days would be Monday and Friday? Six, seven, eight, July 8th. July 8th? July 8th. 2022. Whoa. I need a five-hour energy shot of liquor. You need to get in here.

The energy. We got to get into the game here, bubs. Okay. Do you have any tequila out here, Ricky? Uh... Vodka's fine, but a nice nap of tequila would probably wake me up. I like the way you're fucking thinking, bubs. I don't know.

There's gotta be tequila in here, man. If I were a betting man, I'd say no. No, there's no fucking way there's tequila. All right, well, I guess I'll drink vodka all day. Tequila's expensive, man. Good stuff is. Correct. Here's some good wine, some great white.

Oh, yeah. Some white wine. That'll come aboard you. I can't get on a bottle of great white right now. I'll fuck shit up sideways. Let's get into it then. Yeah, what about a little bit of the Berlis, the original? That's an expensive cap right there.

Just in case you want to change your mind. Last time I drank a bottle of great white, I threw up everywhere. I remember that. You were going around, I'm a bottle of Great White, I threw up everywhere. I remember that. You were going around, I'm a shark. Whoa! Oh, there you go. That's the expensive one. Oh, Kelly's.

Kelly's. That's a good bottle of fucking wine right there. Kelly's. Fortified wine. You know what fortified wine is? It means it's tough to break. It's gut rot, man. No, it's red wine that they dump liquor into.

Really? Yeah. An easy sipping wine with a touch of the old blarney. Here's some money. Look at that. For people that don't know, in Canada you can buy Kelly's wine. Look at that. It's Irish. I'll get you shit.

Shit it up. This is what winos drink. You see what he's drinking out of a brown paper bag? There's usually a bottle of Kelly's. And it could be a bottle of London Triple X fortified wine. Yeah, that's nice. How dirty is that? This shit's 20%, boys. So is Kelly's.

And this is fortified wine, Beau Châtel wines from Truro, Nova Scotia, Canada. Never heard of them. Kelly's. That's from Truro. Get out some glasses. We're going to do a sampler. All right.

Get out. We're going to do a wine tasting today. I like that this is called Great White Fine Wine. Oh, it's... Look, I mean, have you ever seen a finer white wine? A Great White Ch shark on the label? That, my friend, is a... It's basically got one purpose, to fuck you up.

Yeah, this is just to fuck you up. We're not really... What kind is this? This is great white. Oh, my God. The smell of it brings me back from getting sick. Yes. I got P-S-T-E from that fucking ordeal. Cheers, man.

Cheers. Now, let's just imagine we're in high school. I don't know if I can do it, man. I'm seriously having a flashback. Fucking easy. Projectile vomit. You could drink this in jail. This is like...

It's nice jail wine. Angel piss in jail. It would be great jail wine. If you could make that in jail, that would be a hit. Oh, my God. Oh, God. I'd throw some fucking tangerines or something. I might throw up.

She's not the greatest. It's something. Tastes like turpentine. It's worse than I remembered. Yeah. I don't mind it. All right, it's growing on me. If you don't imagine it as wine,

if you think of it as like one of those shitty fucking... Like a spritzer. No, if you think of it as just, it's a means of getting drunk. That's it. Yeah, but if you imagine, oh, it's a means of getting drunk. That's it.

Yeah, but if you imagine, oh, I'm drinking one of those new, fancy, you know, pre-made, hard lemonade spritzer things. If you imagine, that's what it is. Okay, but would you sit on a deck and just drink two of these and say, oh, those are good. If I had a little bit of 7-Up or Ginger Ale, I'd fuck with this. But I'm not fucking with it straight up. I can't. It's not bad, you know. Oh, God.

Okay, pass me another cup, and then we'll dump these out. Dump all these into a cup to get rid of it. This is like a fucking real deal fucking fancy wine tasting thing, boys. Oh, yes. All the fanciest wine tastings use solo cups. Yeah, but this is... You guys are ruining my weekend liquor spot. This...

Yeah, as if you're not gonna drink all that in the next two days. This one was already cracked. Drunk. Okay, now let's sample... Oh, this one was already cracked? I may have... Let's sample the red wine. Mmm.

This is gonna be nasty. It's not real red, is it? It's very... It looks good. It looks kind of like a rosé. It's very see-through. Now let's see if it really has a taste with a touch of the old Blarney. Oh my god, this reminds me of going to church. Yeah, that's church wine.

That's worth big time. Yeah, that's the taste of the Blarney you're smelling. What does Blarney taste like? Is that a rock? Yep, the Blarney you're smelling. What does Blarney taste like? Is that a rock? Yeah, the Blarney stone. You know what? Whoa. Cheers.

I already did it. It's better than the Great White. I'll give it that. That's not saying much. Oh, my God. Woo! It's got a bite. That reminds me of Junior High. Yeah. That tastes about of Junior High. Yeah.

That tastes about as much like wine as my fucking right nut on a hot day. Get her out. That does not...but again, if you imagine that, oh, I'm drinking one of those newfangled, pre-made, cold streamed gin and soda somethings. What a buzz on it gives you, though, huh? It's not bad. That's what I'm talking about. You drink that to get drunk, Bob. Don't fucking try to sugarcoat it.

It's not bad. I mean, if you're a fucking wino that lives down by the train tracks and you get a bottle of that in a brown paper bag and you just lay in the field looking up at the sky and suck the arse right out of that bottle, you are fucked. That's definitely drink it out of the bottle kind of wine. If you finished that whole bottle, you would be a fucking wreck.

How much is in there? 1.5 liters. That's a good buzz. That's a liter. That's a good buzz all right. That's a 60 ounce right there, baby. That's a 60 ounce of fucking dirty old Kellylly's wine 20 alcohol per volume it's very reasonably priced drunk you know what that cost the solos for how much eight bucks

that's eight bucks right there i might i might switch to that don't turn into a fucking dirty old wino man i've been a wino before. No, man, you'll be drinking that. I did a stint as a wino. Yeah. I like it. You were a great wino. I thought I was a pretty good wino.

Pissed myself a couple times. Yeah, you gotta pace yourself with that shit, man. When you piss yourself on Kelly's wine, the best thing you can do is lay in the sun and just let it bake dry. Jesus Christ. And then just crinkle your pants to get the flakes off and then get right back at it. Well, when you piss Kelly's and it hardens, it hardens your pants. You've got to crunch them apart so that the flakes come off. It's like a salt.

It's like a salt. It crystallizes. It's like a crystallized salt piss crust. Don't get into drinking this shit, man. Don't, you don't wanna have- You've never had a crystalline- No, you don't wanna have- Piss crust on your pants before.

No, it's, that's not what, no. Just no, man. Yes, you have. I'm gonna get a big dirty glass of Kelly's going. This is a medium sweet one. That's the, I wanna, what's that one taste like? Let's get a full glass. This is almost 100 years old, so it's got to be good.

It's fucking plastic, man. That is not 100 years old. 100 years old, Ricky. It's in a fucking London triple X. It's a 1925. Oh, it's a medium sweet wine. Like, look, that's wine. Look at that colour.

That is disgusting. Look at all the light. That is about... Looks like whiskey. It looks like piss. Looks like whiskey. Looks like a bottle of piss. Dehydrated piss.

Did you guys hear about the big brawl on the Carnival Cruise ship? No way. Can you unscrew? I can't get it. Oh, of course you can. Come on. I need another glass, please. You guys all need one, too. I wonder if he can take off my lug nuts with his bare hands.

Get a glass for yourself. We're all... What? I wonder if he can take off my lug nuts with his bare hands. Give me one for Ricky. Oh, man. No. What is it?

Can I smell this one first? You could unscrew the lug nuts off him. Oh, this one smells not bad, actually. I think this is what you start with, and then you work your way up to the other. That doesn't smell bad. What are you talking about? It doesn't, actually.

It smells kind of fruity and delicious. It smells better than the other ones. All right, cheers. Okay, cheers. Is it London, Ontario? No, London, England. Ooh. What the fuck is that?

She's tangy. What the fuck is it, boys? It tastes like a hard liquor. Like a... I put hair in my nose. Yeah. So, London Wines. Oh, no, it is London, Canada.

Really? This is made in London, Ontario. International blend from imported and domestic wines. Jesus Christ. Contains sulfites. That's all it says. Is it named after the dog? London?

Littlest hobo? No, I don't think so. I think it's named after the city. Was London from London? He should have been. I don't know if London was from London or not. He was a good dog. He was a hobo.

He was from everywhere. That's got a... That's a hobo. He was from everywhere. That's got a... That's how weird it was. That's got a real... It tastes like... You know what it tastes like? Sour apples and rhubarb. It's got a rhubarby kind of... Yeah?

She's sour. Yeah? Sour apples. I get a bit of one of those notes. See, sour is not... Sour. You don't want the word sour associated with your wine. It's got a sour, fruity note. All right. Could you get drunk on this shit? Yes, I have many times. You're on an island in prison.

You start with this, then you switch to this, and then you finish with that. Just wait. You know what? I'm getting off the Kelly's now. It's got... You're into the that. Just wait. You know what? I'm getting off the Kelly's now. It's got... You're into the London Triple X. No, this is Kelly's, and this... You know what? That has tones of... dessert.

That doesn't have tones of... If you put that in a bottle and told somebody it was a fucking $30,000 bottle of ice wine... I bet you'd get some takers. I bet you they'd drink it and go, oh, I'll take a case, please. I'm bailing it out. Where would you have to go to do this now?

Well, you'd need to be around some real richies. All right, like what? Is there any, like, local clubs? No. I bet you could get Elon Musk to buy a bottle of that. 30 grand if you told him it was, you know, I bet you could get Elon Musk to buy a bottle of that. 30 grand if you told him it was, you know, limited edition ice wine. Limited edition ice wine.

Would you have to like do something with the label and shit? Oh yeah, no, you wouldn't, no, no. Oh, is that the whole fucking, the cool thing about it? Oh no, you repackage it. It looks cheap, but it's not. It's worth six grand. No, no, he would just Google it and go,

that's just garbage wine. But if you made a nice label and put it in a fancy bottle and told him it was made by elves. A tall, skinny bottle. Yes, a liqueur bottle, long and thin, and you told him it was made by elves or whatever. All right, so let's get on it. Let's start doing this shit.

Garden gnomes. Garden gnome squeezed from the legs of garden gnome. On the briny. Casticle of a garden gnome. Well, the blarney one could be squeezed from leprechauns. Maybe. There's some nice wines here on the table, boys. Anyway, this brawl on this cruise ship was pretty fun.

It was over 60 people. 60 people yeah lasted for over an hour and i guess it started because there was some kind of a weird threesome that partners weren't very happy about and they got drunk and then it all came out yep started on like the fifth floor and went all the way down on the first floor after where was it on a cruise ship a brawl floor after where was it on a cruise ship a brawl fucking 60 person brawl so it was like a four level or six level fucking fight yeah wow jesus what was it in the main foyer i wonder you know we're in a dance club and just went on from there jesus magic being on 60 minutes is a long fight that's a long you're're usually pretty tired After a few minutes Oh yeah

If you're I mean unless you're Yeah that's a long fight No matter how you look at it Imagine someone like him In there just throwing Fucking haymakers You know what I was just thinking

It would have been like A good old fashioned Fucking beat down You know what I mean I wonder did anybody Try to throw anybody overboard That would be a move That would suck

That would be a move That's a finishing move That That's a finisher. Now you wouldn't want to do that. No, you couldn't do that. You'd kill the person. That might be going a little too far. Yeah. But you could say, keep it up and you're going over, bud. Yeah.

Settle the fuck down. Settle the fuck down or you're going in the drink. I wonder who the people were in the threesome. Didn't mention that. Oh, it started over a threesome? Yeah, and the partners weren't aware of it. They found out and they were not happy. I bet you a finger went somewhere. Some shit happened.

A finger went somewhere it wasn't supposed to. What are you going to do? How do you break it up? You just got to let them go. Right? Let who go? The people fight. Oh.

I thought you meant the other people. Oh, the threesome people. Yeah, they should just fucking fight it out. Or whatever. Were the threesome people not in the fight? The partners of the threesome people were fighting, I guess. Oh. Well, I'm sure some of the people in the threesome were probably part of it.

So who do you think got in the fight? Three dudes? Could have been three ladies started the fight because their dudes were all making out with each other. That's what I was thinking. So three dudes were in the threesome? They might have been. Wow. And the ladies come in and said, what are you doing with your wiener and doggie? The three ladies were in a threesome and the fellas got pissed off pissed off yeah no what no there's gonna get pissed off over that there had to be

some there had to be some ladies might have been said what are you doing with your wiener and dougie yeah we're going wow well that's a fucking you don't know really it could have been any combination could have been any well. Could have been any. Well, there's only three options, isn't there? No, I guess there's more than that. No, Ricky, you got to look at the permutations. So you got three dudes or three ladies. Or a combination.

You got permutations and combinations there, Ricky. There's probably hundreds of thousands of combinations if you start involving specific orifices with... But see, you didn't have to go there with that. I'm just saying, it's not three options. All right. There's many combinations. Either way, you got a minimum of three mouths

and three rear points of entry. Or three fronts. There's... Boys. Yeah. It's... Combinations and permutations, boys, yeah. It's combinations and permutations, boys. There's many, and then you factor in, you factor in a couple of hands. Keep drinking, man.

You know, you're up to hundreds of thousands of combinations of possible. Oh my God. Entry exit points. Oh my God, the Kelly's is just like a punch in the face every sip. The London X is fucking tearing my throat apart. The Kelly's is like, it literally is like a punch in the lips every taste. So somebody smacks.

So the good thing or a bad thing? You're just hoping that the taste is going to go away. Is that where you're at? You need it on ice, first of all. Oh, my God, the London X is really tough to get down to. He needed it on ice. See, that's not good. Not for wine.

Anytime you need wine that's on ice. It's not good. Just to get it down. It's not a great. Who would drink Triple X, London Triple X? Me. So would I if I had to. Yeah. Depends on the budget.

You heard of the band Kiss, right? Yeah, Ricky. Yeah, man. Kiss, yes. They're massive. You know, they originally wanted to call themselves Fuck. Yes. But the record label was like, I think it might be too hard. Yeah.

They were going to be called Fuck. I don't think they would have been as popular. They went with the softer name, Kiss. I think they were going to be called Finger, too, at one point. Anyway, they fucked up pretty bad. How? They were playing in a show in Vienna, Austria. When?

Well, I'm assuming. Recently? Pretty fucking recently. Okay. The news. All right. They projected this big thing that says, Kiss loves you, Vienna, but they put up the Australian flag.

Uh-oh. Shit happens, you know what I mean? How many fucking times have they played around the world? And it wouldn't have been Kiss that was making the graphics. It would have been some dick we got fired over that one. Oh, fucking

guaranteed. Bye-bye, bud. Bye-bye. Gene Simmons would not approve of that. You see any fucking kangaroos here, dumbass? Gene probably slapped him around with his big tongue. Do you see any fucking kangaroos here, dumbass? Gene probably slapped him around with his big tongue. Do you see any shrimp on the barbie? Fuck. Gene Simmons'

tongue is, how long is it? I don't know, man. I don't give a fuck. How many miles on it, though? How many miles? Like it was on a treadmill? If it was on a treadmill, from all the this it did, I bet you he licked himself 6,000 or 7,000 miles. Around the planet three times.

I'm surprised there's any skin left on his tongue, actually. Well, he must be some wear marks. Oh, man. I'm sure there's some damage to it. There's no damage to it, I guarantee you. If anything, it got stronger. Yeah, maybe. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it could be all calloused up. Exactly. You think he's got tongue callouses? I think, you know what, I think he's full of shit. Could be. Could be all just a big... Although they did have the Kiss Mansion where they just paid ladies to... Get licked? Lay around and, you know.

It's not a bad gig, really, I guess. No, I would have worked at the Kiss Mansion if I was a lady. Is that a police helicopter? Nope. Too fast. Yeah, it's not hovering. If it was hovering, I would start getting... That's when you have to get out of the building and run. Boys, I got a buzz on from Kelly's wine. I'm feeling good, man.

Sticking with Austria... I might keep drinking Kelly's wine all day. I don't know if this guy was at the show or not, but this guy in Austria Went to Cambodia Got busy with a little hooker Yeah, and he brought back gonorrhea But it wasn't just normal gonorrhea. This is new shit called super gonorrhea. Oh What's that? No, it can't be treated by normal medicines yeah and they're saying that

it's becoming like almost untreatable this super gonorrhea what do they what's it do they wrap up your little weasels okay all right man thanks so we went to camb, caught super gonorrhea, and brought it back to where? To Austria. So what kind of, what helps, what, you said? He was able to finally find some sort of penicillin that did get rid of it, but he took, like, seven different kinds before it went away. Oh, medical people will figure that out.

No, the doctors are concerned. They're saying there's some cases now spreading around the world, and it's really hard to fucking treat Within a few years Nothing's gonna work on it It's like a superhero of penis problems fuckovers Fuck it. Okay, super gonorrhea. Well

you should make a t-shirt that says that ricky yeah it's not the fuck i don't want to get super that's a good shirt fuck i don't want to get super gonorrhea gonorrhea fine i'll take that but super i guess the moral of the story is if you go to Cambodia and you're going to sleep with a hooker, wrap up your sausage. Your Vienna sausage. Wrap it up in an Australian flag. Actually, that's pretty funny because he was from Austria. Was it Vienna sausage? I said Australia, didn't I?

I don't know, man. I was throwing back to the Kiss story. Wrap his Vienna sausage in an Australian flag. Yeah, but he's from Vienna, man. I was throwing back to the Kitsch story. Rap is Vienna sausage and an Australian player. Yeah, but he's from Vienna, man. It was a Vienna sausage that got fucked over. Oh, my God. Whoa. That's amazing.

It's Vienna sausage. You guys are fucked. Okay, this is... Boys, I'm enjoying my Calis here. This is a really dumb story, but I'm only talking about it because of one word. This couple in Seattle bought a fucking house. It's right in the middle of the city. No big deal.

They called to get internet hooked up. I'm like, no. Can't be done. Anyway, $27,000 is going to cost them to get fucking internet for their house. Why? Because there was never any cables running. That's what they said it's going to fucking cost. They said it's actually $80,000 total, but we're only going to charge $27,000.

We should find out who they are and offer to do it for $25,000. And then we just put in a fucking, you know, a satellite hotspot or whatever. How much would that cost? You'd get money passed by. You could set up one of those. Plunk it on the roof, charge some $25,000. Would much would that cost? You'd get money passed by. You could set up one of those... Plunking on the roof, charging 25 grand. Would you do that?

I wouldn't, but if I gave enough... Well, they had one of the porty ones, but they said, like, that you gotta use video calls for working shit, and they said that after four or five hours, they got no fucking data left.

Anyway, the only reason I... It says in the thing, she was flagergasted. About what? I thought, isn't it flabbergasted? Yeah. Okay, there's another article in the big headline that said, I was flagergasted.

F-L-A-G-G-E-R-G-A-S-T-E-D. Bubs? Why? Flagger or flabbergasted? Flabbergasted is the proper word. So they fucked up. Flaggergasted. So newspapers are dumb.

Flaggergasted. Oh, did you see one of the political ladies there in the United States? Did you see? She used a fucking word that Ricky has used before. Give it to me so I can borrow it. She was in the, wherever, the government place there,

the Senate or whatever the fuck it's called. The White House? No, it was like, you know, Congress or whatever. I don't know. I mean,

I just picked my finger apart. And she said, she said that people's rights are fragrant, fragrantly being denied. No. Fragrantly? Fragrantly. Like a smell? Yes.

That's amazing. That's awesome. Instead of flagrantly. I thought it was vagrantly. No, flagrantly, but she said fragrantly. That's amazing. And she said it very loud and clear. She over enunciated the word fragrantly. That's amazing. Made me think of you, Ricky. Yeah. We'll see who got born on July 8th. Nope, John Pemberton. Oh! John Pemberton! Awesome. He was a pharmacist.

Right on. I don't know who he was. He vented Coca-Cola! Whoa. Wasn't that when there was cocaine still in it? Mm-hmm. Fucking awesome. I wish we could find one of those originals. Well, it wasn't like,

you wouldn't get all repped up on it, Ricky. You just had a little bit of the coca. No, the guy that invented the airship, Zeppelin Airship Company was Guttmort. What was his name? Ferdinand von Zeppelin. Hence the name, I guess. Maybe it wasn't named after him.

Bob, did you know that Elvis Presley was a germaphobe? Yes, I did. Do you know how he used to drink out of cups? With a straw? Nope. Don't know. He would only drink out of the mug, like that had a handle on it.

But then he would drink out of the handle part. So he'd have the handle and drink like that because the chances of someone drinking from that position were very slight. Oh, fuck off. Who was this? Elvis. Did you go see the Elvis movie yet? No, I didn't.

I want to go see it tonight. Let's go see it. Wolfgang Puck. Don't know. Ricky, you want to go see the Elvis movie tonight? Yeah, I want to go see it tonight? Let's go see it. Wolfgang Puck. Don't know. Ricky, you want to go see Elvis movie tonight? Yep, I want to go, I guess. Well, since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell. Angelica Houston or Angelica? Angelica. Angelica Houston. Kevin O'Leary? Bacon. Kevin Tenderloin Kevin Tenderloin

No Kevin Bacon you're right Kevin Rabbi Tubby Keith Or Toby Keith What is he talking about over there Born people Back What is he talking about over there? Born people that happened. The born... Beck.

Oh, I like Beck. Yeah, me too. I met Beck. Let's crank loser. I met Beck one time. I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you... All right, we got to figure out how we're going to get into the movies tonight. Easy.

Why can't we just pay for the tickets? It's like 15 bucks each now or something. It's like crazy. What? Yes. 15 bucks to go to a movie. Yes. Not if you have an orange vest and a hard hat and a name tag.

Then. Free. Popcorn inspector. Popcorn inspector. All right. With a hard hat. You can do the talking. Popcorn Inspector. Popcorn Inspector. Alright. With a hard hat. You can do the talking.

This, today's episode has been brought to you by Great White and Kelly's Wine. Don't forget London Triple X. And the Great fucking White. I said that already. Oh, fuck off. Fucking white. I said that already. Oh, fuck off.

To see the video version of Park After Dark in Ricky's trailer, go to SwearNet.com or download the Trailer Park Boys SwearNet app.