Triforce! - Triforce! Mailbag Special #30: Massive Timewasters (and their fanmail)

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

Triforce Mailbag Special 30! Flax opens with remixes of his wonderful Mailbag Jingle, we talk about how we all make custom characters in games, we read a script about a cowboy roulette and we get even more wild conspiracy theories! Go to http://expressvpn.com/triforce today and get an extra 3 months free on a 1-year package! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickaxe jingle last mailbag and people have sent in a couple of uh jingles sort of remixes of the one that I did so right why don't I drag those into the discord you guys can listen to them and we'll get we'll get the editor to play them so that we know which one of people can decide which one they like I don't think we're gonna have a permanent jingle but uh let me just download these real quick well who knows what if one of these ones is a banger and we decide to keep it true i think you're going to like this one a lot all right are you ready we'll play tune one on on three so i'll go three two one play okay three two one play okay wow Sounds almost like 80s Christmas.

But then it ends with this kind of... Boom! Yeah. Okay. So Sip say wow during it, kind of feels like it was part of it, but he's not in it. Wow. But. All right. So Sip saying wow during it kind of feels like it was part of it, but he's not in it. Wow. But I liked it. I liked that.

I think you should add Sip saying wow. Wow. Sample me in. Yeah, that's a great sample. You just give him a clean wow now. Can you just say wow? Wow. All right.

Let's listen. The most unimpressed. Let's listen to tune two. Ready? Okay, yeah. This one's a little longer, so we can dip out earlier, because it gets a little repetitive. It's a minute long.

Yeah, I know. We're going to stop at 20 seconds. All right, three, two, one, go. I'm open to suggestions, and if someone can take this raw version and turn it into something good, maybe we'll do something with it. This is how it goes.

Wow. The mailbag. The mailbag. version and turn to something good maybe we'll do something with it this is this is how it goes wow this is great i wanted this whole thing once again once again okay okay all right i was gonna stop it but that was actually pretty good yes yeah yeah i don't think we used the whole thing no but i think i do like the way it builds and you can hear the wow guitars coming in and stuff it feels like it's going to be an awesome song and then it's just me going here once again. Here once again.

I think they've both taken your fairly tuneful song and made it into enhanced it. It feels like they may have also tuned you a little bit. Oh, I hope so. But that's standard stuff now, right? All right. This is tune... We found a tune three. I found a tune three. Tune three. Oh, you found one? Yeah. This was one i

hadn't found previously ready we'll play it on three two one play it's not you It kind of sounds like music that would be in a documentary about whales or something. Oh, okay. I'm pausing. I'm stopping it. I'm stopping it. I'm stopping it. Yeah, I'm going to stop it too. I'm not saying it's bad because it's not.

It is pretty good. It's quite downbeat. I'll say that. It's downbeat. Yeah, I think you set the tone. I think you set the downbeat tone because whilst your original jingle was tuneful, I agree with Lewis. It is sad.

It wasn't punchy enough. The mailbag. It was a little downbeat, lewis it wasn't it wasn't punchy enough the mailbag it was a little it was a little down i'll work on it the mail back here once again it's very it is a bit sad it's because i've got to read these emails i guess maybe do the mail maybe like i think the bob the builder theme music is pretty punchy right right? You know what? You know what I like? The Fireman Sam theme tune is a fucking banger. Oh, that is a great one. That is such a good theme song. Like that is, that gets me pumped. And I've never watched it before.

So moves I'd make way. It's Fireman Sam. He's rolling in the heat. Fireman Sam you cannot ignore. Sam is the hero next door. What a fucking banger. I know, it's so good. It is the hero next door. What a fucking banger. I know, it's so good. It is so good, actually.

All right. So I had about 30 emails about eggs after talking about eggs. Okay. So, and what was like the general consensus? Well, so I'll say first of all, the emails were very nice. Like, they were not unpleasant emails. Because I did genuinely want to know why. They were nice like eggs. They were almost as delicious as an egg from a mistreated hen. They really were.

Was the tone kind of like a gentle check yourself before you wreck yourself sort of thing? No, it was just here are the reasons. Like, it was like fact checking. Oh, okay. So, this is probably the best. This is Luke, someone who is not a vegan, but interested in the ethics of food. So, number one, making eggs requires breeding hens. This also results in roosters, which are slaughtered as they're useless for egg laying. So, that has been a very common thing. And I know that in large um chicken farms and egg farms yeah they just have a conveyor belt and they're like boy and they toss the boys onto a grinder just instantly like some

dystopian nightmare machine isn't it yeah um although apparently in another email uh someone said that they have developed this thing it's like a laser that very quickly passes over the egg and can tell whether it's a male or female chick in there. And they just bin that egg off if it's a boy, apparently. Vegans can find no ethical argument for keeping animals in captivity, nor for using, and this is Luke's choice of phrase, the fruit of their labours, as animals cannot consent to anything. Consent is required as other animals cannot be morally separated from humans. And it's obvious with humans that consent is required to be the recipient of their labour. So essentially, the argument is, what's the real difference between humans and animals?

We're all animals and we shouldn't mistreat them. That's what it boils down to. So we're essentially enslaving animals just because we're much smarter than them, I guess. Yeah. So I thought it was a decent moral argument. Still gonna eat eggs, because I just kind of think animals are was a decent moral argument. Still gonna eat eggs, because I just kind of think animals are there to be fucked with. Sorry. I think eggs is a... You and several billion other people, Pinkflex. I'm like, well, we won the war. I'm sorry. We evolved beyond you and now we're

gonna eat you. They'd eat us. I'll put it that way. To me, eggs is like... It's not like a like a a very straightforward one like i think that there there's definitely situations like where you could still you could still justify it and it's maybe still cruel but not that cruel you know what i mean like not not like not not as cruel as you know some of the other um applications of animal products and byproducts and stuff, right? Yeah. I think eggs, you could probably, you know, still feel like you could sleep at night. Yeah. You know, and it's not, you haven't really been horrible to the chickens that have laid

them, especially if you keep them yourself. Well, exactly. And you look after them. Those eggs are just going to rot there. They're never going to you look after them. I mean, those eggs are just gonna rot there. Yeah, they're just gonna die. They're never gonna do anything with them. So a friend of mine said that he's got some vegan friends of his who have a chicken called Barry.

Barry is a lady chicken. And this chicken sleeps in their room. And they carry Barry up and down the stairs, and Barry the chicken is like a pet, like a household beloved chicken. And they are vegans, but they eat Barry's eggs because why not? I mean, Barry's just laying these eggs. And I think certainly my point was, why? These things.

I think eggs, they give a lot of people and me a bit of the ick. I've said this last time. Yeah, a few people said that. Like the idea that you're eating this sort of weird embryo that came out of its arse. I look at them and they just look so... They look like purity and life, is what eggs say to me.

And certainly, symbolically, eggs have always been that. You're eating like an unborn egg baby. It doesn't matter. It's just such a gross idea. Like, so, just super gross, isn't it? A lot of people wrote in and said the same thing. Anyway's move on this is about maple syrup oh uh hello period my name is thierry from quebec in episode 279 in episode 279 sips talked about maple syrup production and indicated that sugar and other things were added to the maple syrup.

I must say that this is complete bollocks. The process of maple syrup production could not be more simple. Maple water is harvested from the maple trees and collected into large vats. This maple water is then boiled down into maple syrup. 40 litres of maple water produces 1 litre of maple syrup. The maple water contains about 2% sugar and the final maple syrup more than 66% sugar. You can also keep boiling it to obtain other products such as maple taffy, or maple candies which are still made without any additives. Have a good day, and if you ever come to Quebec...

I've definitely had the taffy and stuff, and the places I've been to, they do sprinkle a little bit of sugar on top. Thank you very much to Thierry from the Canadian Marketing Board. There you go. That was a nice message. Just putting the track right on maple syrup, not needing added sugar. No, I agree. I don't think it needs it.

Because it's sugary enough already. It's 66% sugar, guys. I don't think it needs it. But I think just a sprinkle on top sometimes depending I think it's fine a little sprinkle of sugar just a little tiny bit of sugar on top of your sugar

just to set off that that you know take the edge off the sugar there's still room for more in there we have evolved this way, and several other billion humans love the sugariest, sugariest shit ever. Oh my god.

What about people that put sugar on their cereal? That is- that always- Well, what cereal? I have turned a corner, and I put salt on my watermelon. You put what on your watermelon? Salt? Salt. Salt. Yeah, have you ever tried salt on watermelon?

Not like table salt, like a little bit of kosher sprinkled salt, you know, a little bit of nice... Do you know what? I would rather have a chicken sleeping in my room than put salt on a watermelon. That sounds really gross. You should try it. You really should try it. I've had pickled watermelon as well, it's pretty good.

I would rather the chicken sleep in my room and lay an egg on my face every day then have salt on my water directly into your mouth sure fuck me holy crap last night i gotta i i i've got this uh i've got some it's it's either a pinch nerve or the the doctor thinks maybe it's like a muscle problem i got some muscle spasms or something i don't know but whatever for whatever reason it is i cannot sleep on my side so i'm forced to sleep on my back and last night i actually woke myself up multiple times through snoring because the minute i'm on my back i'm snoring i'm like a foghorn it's insane and uh yeah that's like a sleep apnea thing i think a lot that's that's kind of i think think sleep apnea is similar to that.

Yeah. Like sleeping. Multiple, multiple times. It's not like I'm out of breath or anything like that. I just, just very loudly snoring. Like it was insane. And then my wife was like. You woke yourself up with the volume of it.

Yeah. My wife, like maybe an hour after we went to sleep, she was like, I woke up because like I was like lightly sleeping anyway and waking myself up with the snoring and she's kind of peering over me and she's like are you actually serious and i was like what do you mean she's like you're joking right i was like no what do you mean i was sleeping she's like i've never heard anything like it it sounds like there's like a like a jet engine in my bed next to me it's so fucking loud. Like, I have not slept a wink since we went to bed.

God. So, I was like, all right, well, I'll just go downstairs to kiss them. And I just slept on the floor downstairs. Oh my God. I actually did sleep, but I still have to sleep on my back on the flat floor, and woke myself up about a million times with loud ass snoring. So... Wow. Yeah, I'm cursed at this point. Like, it's a full curse.

So, I think we recorded this the day after the podcast where we talked about you might have a trapped nerve or something in your neck. I got some painkillers, which are quite nice, actually. But still some degree of pain. Like, I think I just- How strong are we talking? Are we talking like opioid crisis? Or are we talking like modern day-

No, we're talking like some- Meth. Like, it's not... Codeine, okay. So it's stuff you can still buy over the counter. Yeah, but it's like probably a bit of a stronger dose. But not strong enough to send me into potential cardiac arrest because the previous times where I've had like high dosages of codeine, I don't take well to it. I don't, like, it doesn't agree with me at all.

I was like doubled over. It felt like I had like a vice on my chest. Like it was crushing. God, it's terrifying. Fuck, I know it's nuts. You spend your whole life thinking, fuck, I'm invincible. And then you reach the age of 27. You're just like, man, I'm fragile. What's wrong with me?

You're just fucking your hot wife and your neck makes a crick. Jeez. And then, you know. God. You're just having full-on gymnast sex and then next thing you know, you're fucking crippled. You can't even- So I was hanging from the ceiling on my sex swing. And I hurt my neck somehow.

And now I can't even lift a glass of water. How am I supposed to drink my cum now? Jesus. What? Sorry, I thought we were- What? I thought we were talking about wild sex. I thought we were getting there.

Yeah. Oh, fuck it all. This is from Warren, which is not a name you hear much anymore. This is called Being a Shithead in Games. That's the title of this email. Now, this is going to anger a lot of people, but I think it's quite funny. Yeah. During COVID, me and my friends would play a lot of CSGO during our online classes. So I'm going to assume that Warren is very young.

Yes. This got boring really quickly. So we started getting randoms banned in CSGO. Right now we have a list in our Discord with over 200 names of people we got banned, ranging from 30 minutes to 7 days. We did this so they would go into a game of CSGO and they would force people to get booted from the server and banned. We did this by first cussing them out like no tomorrow and hoping that they'd shoot us. If that didn't work, we would stand in front of them while they were shooting at the enemy and hope they'd accidentally shoot us.

Lastly, we gave them our secret weapon, a Molotov cocktail. After they threw it, we would rush towards it and stand in it with three or four people, which worked most of the time. Although it was a lot of fun back then, I can't stop thinking now how many days or even weeks we ruined because we had to let out our anger during COVID, that they wanted to vent during this shitty time and we just had to be a bunch of assholes. Indeed, Warren, that is some real asshole behavior.

Yeah. I would say that not only did you waste everyone else's time, but you probably wasted your own as well. Oh, I bet it was a lot of fun though. I bet they had lots of fun. What a school teacher thing to say. It's your own time, you wasted it. Don't get me wrong. I don't mind. I like to wind people up or whatever, but like, I don't know. That's like borderline, like just kind of vindictive, isn't it? I think you love to be an in games though maybe not online games but i've seen you kick dogs in red dead redemption yeah but i mean come on i mean

it's like you know that's a virtual dog it's a virtual dog um the dog in a video game and he's wasting his own time and i'm wasting my own damn time it is it is always sort of surprising to me how many horrible options there are in video games and how, you know, there's a lot of them in Baldur's Gate, there's a lot of them in the Fallout games, you know, you can really, even like Mass Effect. Yeah, but I mean, these are single player experiences. We're talking about going out of your way to get actual people banned from a game who are just joining games with the intention of playing them

the way they're meant to be played i mean this is and they're thinking i've got time for one game yeah hopefully these random people i queue with well those are the people i feel sorry for i mean if if if if somebody if if those guys that you got banned were also doing the shit that you guys were doing then you know fair enough i guess, they were not. The circle of life. But, like, if you're just getting random people banned who are just logging on just to... Just banned for team killing on their server. Yeah, but they might be...

For a week, they can't play their favourite game because of your shitty behaviour. Look, I think... You probably proved their life not playing CSGO for a week. That is a point as well, but... The intention. Please don't email in about that. please don't email me about that please anyway i i want people to tell me why because i whenever i play these games with choices i always find it very difficult to be an arsehole unless for no reason you find it difficult to be an arsehole online but it comes naturally to you

in the real world it's yes i was gonna yes you want to play a different kind of character yeah okay thank you this is why we this is that's why we play games to escape it's escapism i don't know i just always like feel bad like i don't know like i feel bad when i'm seeing like even like watching back like videos of of people like showing me clips of like what happens when you're mean to this guy? You know, what happens if you do this to this? What happens if you kill all these guys and you talk to this guy and he's sad? Like, do you know what I mean? What if you kill this guy's whole family

and then talk to him? You know, it's like- Right, but I think it's because if it's a good story, you get immersed in it. Like, that's it. You become that character. I mean, for example, when I'm designing my character, I can't do what like Sips does,

where I make him look insane with some weird thing coming out of his head, bizarre hair and he's like... I love that though. I love games where they appear in all of your... I can't do that, because I want to be that guy. I love when they appear in your cutscenes though, because they look... It's so ridiculous. It's so ridiculous.

That's why it's so great. Like, you can't become immersed in a storyline where they cut to your character and they're like, you are the only one who can save us, you're just like a naked dwarf with a giant nose and bright green hair and a bikini on. Yeah, but then I made in Baldur's Gate 3, I made my guardian look exactly like me. So it was like a little dwarf, it was a little female dwarf with a moustache. Oh right.

It was amazing. So that's your conscience behind the camera. And I was so pleased the first time i saw them as well did you um p flex when you build when you make a character in game do you make it look like you or do you go with like a specific thing no they're always a specific idea always bold so you always pick bold yeah and if possible i'll make them as tall and as wide as possible. Because I always think it's funny to see, like, you'll have a conversation with someone and there's like an eight foot lad that's hugely fat with like a bold head just sort

of glaring down at people. I always think that's funny. That's your image of what you want to be. Right. If it's a game I take as serious like Baldur's Gate 3, I'll try to make them look like kind of cool, like aspirationally cool, like the way I would like to look. But always bald. Always, always, always, always. I don't really make characters after myself and also not interested in me being

in a game, you know what I mean? I try to get immersed, if that's fair enough. I like to have like a character that I can pretend to be, if you like. Rather than just be myself. Well, of course. I think that's a different one. How do you feel, P-Flax, about scars or tattoos? I'm not a tattoo or scar-haver, really. I've got an appendix scar, that's it. But, you know, I'm not a scar-haver. So, I just kind of feel- I don't think that's an option on much character creation. No. Appendix scar. So, I mean, sometimes I'll add one. You know, it depends on the character I'm playing.

Like if I'm playing like some kind of barbarian type, then sure. But I don't really go in for that. I just go for a pretty default lad. You've got to have like the Braveheart paint, face paint for barbarians and stuff now too, right? Exactly, yeah. Wode. The Wode. Yes. All right, let's move on to the next email anyway this is uh sure this is interesting i'm exactly the same though like you know i've

recently my characters have had a mustache jeremy right um just because i've got one yeah okay this is funny that i can make it look like a hot version of me i usually i honestly for the most part my characters will be female and i i still subscribe to the idea in WoW. If you're looking at the back of a character, I just want to look at some ass. For nine hours a day. Yeah, I don't want to look at some dude's ass. Little cartoon ass. Isn't that like you're ogling yourself though there?

That's fine. That's fine. Anyway. This is from Evan. This is the story of how his dad poisoned himself, but it ended up saving his dad's life. One day, my dad was doing some power washing outside. They're relevant to Sip's interest. He was using highly concentrated power washing liquid

and pouring it into his machine. The bottle somehow cracked and started leaking power wash concentrate everywhere. He grabbed the nearest container to capture liquid. It was a green-colored Perrier water bottle. So he caught it in there, continued washing. Now, at some point, the bottle made its way to the patio. Someone must have brought it into the house, and somehow it ended up in the fridge. A few weeks later, his mum and dad are having breakfast

outside in the patio. Dad walks inside to grab someone to drink, gets the bottle, takes a big glug, and you can imagine what happened next. He immediately realised what was happening and what he'd just done. He felt his throat was closing up and he could hardly breathe. He managed to get to the ER. They intubated him, got him on a ventilator. Took a couple of months for him to fully recover. He's perfectly fine now. This was about four years ago. This is the crazy part. During his time in the hospital, they had to run all their tests and stuff. They found a cancerous tumor on his pancreas. Because it was discovered so early on, they got rid of it.

Fuck! No problems, and he's absolutely fine. So, the takeaway for this is, obviously, do not use unlabelled containers for dangerous chemicals. No. That is absolutely true. And the stupid mistake, but it did work and saved his life. It is fake, yeah. He got lucky. But honestly- Holy shit.

I've got a bottle of isopropyl alcohol. You can get it on Amazon, it's like a very cheap, a very potent chemical. It's just like 100% proof alcohol, basically. Yeah, basically it comes in like a San Pellegrino bottle. Yes, it comes in a novelty Coca-Cola bottle. Yeah, that's just how it comes. No, but it's like a really plain boring plastic bottle that you wouldn't know what was in it. So, I've drawn with a sharpie skulls and crossbones all over it, so that I know don't drink this and that the kids see it and think, oh gosh, that looks dangerous. But I recommend if you have young children, get this. It will remove marker pens, it will take

crayon, it'll lift off stickers, anything involving adhesive or that sticks to another surface. You get a little bit on a cotton or a makeup removal pad, gone. It'll take the chrome right off your hitch. It really will. It really will. It'll melt all of your pop can tags. But yeah, acetone's the other one that I used to use for cleaning.

That's like nail varnish remover. You got to be careful with these though, because sometimes you can take the surface of the thing off. Yeah, oh no, you've got to be careful. All right, so this is someone who's worked, this is from Kay, who has worked in US healthcare for a long time. And we were talking about crazy baby names in a previous episode. Right.

I've got two name emails. This one had an infant patient whose name was L-A hyphen A. I didn't know how to pronounce her name, and after pronouncing it incorrectly as Leah, the mother very snottily informed me that it's pronounced. See if you can guess how it's pronounced. L-A. It's Ladasha. It is Ladasha. You pronounced the dash. No. Yeah, and looked at me as if it was obvious and I was crazy.

Ladasha. Ladasha. Ladasha. Imagine she becomes a DoorDash delivery person. DoorDash Ladasha. Ladasha the Dasher. We gotta get Ladasha in. I think this is a pretty famous urban myth, the Ladasha. I don't know if this is a real email because I remember this being a...

I've just Googled it and it's like a Snopes article that it's not real. Oh, have you lied to me, Kay? I'm sure I heard this about 10 years ago. Lewis is fact-checking like the guy from Pointless. What's his name again? Richard Osman. Yeah, I just remember this being a classic urban myth. Well, all right.

How about this one then? This is from Brendan. Had a high school teacher called Mr. Com Cannon, who they renamed to Mr. Cum Cannon. Nice. Nice. As you do. Yeah, that's a good one. That is a good one. This is Mr. Cum Cannon.

That would be such a good online nickname for when you're getting people banned in CSGO as well. You were banned by Cum Cannon. You have accidentally team killed cum cannon my wife calls me cum cannon not anymore i had the snip remember so well i mean it's the same you wouldn't know all right this is uh from a cemetery worker a day in the life of the cemetery worker we asked about this i feel I feel like it's like a kind of a gardening job, right? It feels like it's like a lawn care gardening kind of maintenance job with some other little bits and pieces thrown in, you know? Well, let's find out. I work as a secretary for a cemetery trust. So not the gardening type.

I've worked in this position for over a year. Some people may find it morbid and weird, I find it fascinating. The ending to this email gives you a clue as to the kind of person that works in cemeteries. When I get to this bit you'll think, God, that's dark. Anyway, get this. I often get questions about, do I see bodies or do I cremate people? No, I don't do that. That's a funeral director's job. I do a lot of paperwork regarding the authorization of a burial who has the right to the plot, sell plots to people who want to reserve a plot in the cemetery, do the accounting and all that kind of stuff.

Books funerals, does the grave digging with the contractor for the digging. On the day of the funeral, they have to check the coffin nameplate of the deceased and then move away to make sure the coffin is buried, like the load into the ground, okay so all the rest of it yeah you gotta like sell the plots you gotta go for the hard sell sometimes i guess we got uh we got five wing plots left uh you can expect about 63 percent uh sun uh during the day on these plots and uh really nice view of the the church building and the field in the in the back and this ground is consecrated you won't get any any people rising from the dead here this is consecrated ground let me just finish this this one story this this is the kind of person in my opinion that that that

works in death care if you want right the cemetery had one burial in the 90s where a young lad was in a car accident apparently he survived the initial, but when the fire brigade arrived at the scene, they ran him over, killing him. Brackets, I do get a chuckle out of this, but also it is sad, lol. That's crazy. So, that is so dark. And this guy's like, the fire brigade ran over him. I think you've got to be just a kind of a dark person to work in a cemetery. Man, how are you feeling if you're the guy driving the fire truck that day and you've done that? That's got to be...

Yeah, that would suck. I mean, I just think that story is just incredibly depressing, but this guy gets a chuckle out of it. I think that's the kind of person who works in death care, I guess, that finds humour in any situation. Yeah, you have to, don't you? The gallows humour, for sure. It's like if you're driving an ambulance and you drive it too fast over a bump, and then the person in the back goes flying and like, goes up through the roof outside, you know. This is GTA shit. Some GTA shit right there, yeah.

That is some GTA shit. So, do you have a reserved plot or a plan? No. If you died, where would you go? Do you know where you would go? No. I have life insurance. Where would they put you?

That's about it. I've got the life insurance, but I mean, I haven't started planning about where I want If you died today, where would they put you? I would like to be cremated and scattered at sea. I would just- Okay. I would like to be cremated, and I honestly don't give a shit what they do with me post that.

Okay. Sprinkle me on some watermelon or something. I don't give a shit what they do with me i post that sprinkle me on some watermelon or something i don't give a shit okay sure i mean i i think about death a lot when i when i i did a podcast with dr k a while back the healthy gamer and talked to him about how i fear death and he was like well it happens to everybody so don't worry about it i was like okay doc thanks yeah um i think it's just uh imagining nothing is impossible like you can't we can't as humans imagine yeah that but the way i've had it put to me is that you can imagine life before you were born so it's just like that but after you've died so i guess you know just imagine you not exist i always feel like it's just like you know when you when you're super tired and you just

fall asleep randomly, but like you're out cold sort of thing. It's got to just be like that, right? Yeah, but that's... One minute you're there and the next minute you're not. And hopefully, when you're going... Yeah, but you imagine darkness. When we think of death and nothingness, we think of darkness, but it's not even that. It's the absence of anything. Well, that's it. But people are imagining... the thing i think they're scared of is they're imagining darkness but they're imagining being conscious for that darkness but right it's obviously not you're just you you just don't exist anymore but that's terrifying to me

it's terrifying to think that you know the people that you you love and stuff and the effect that it would have on them and you won't get to see um people again and all that kind of stuff but at the same time you are just uh not non-existent anymore so like you you'll never feel that pain beyond while you're alone yeah they say all fear all fear comes down to a fear of the unknown right like not not necessarily knowing what will happen or what is there you know and i think that you know it's it's it's understandable when you've got a it's understandable when you've got a complicated life full of people that you care about that you would worry about them after after you're gone yeah but i think that

from my point of view you know i think i think it always comes back to the idea of there was nothing before right there was nothing before There was nothing before I was born, and I will go back to being that. Right. But it's scary. It's not like I'm owed anything else, do you know what I mean? Or I deserve anything else. I just fear it. I mean, you know what? I think there is definitely all fear is fear of the unknown. I don't know if that's true, because I know what would happen to me if

I got attacked by a deer. And it would be, I'm scared of it, even though I can imagine that the deer would, of course, beat me in a fight. To go back to an old mailbag story that I still get mails about saying that. I mean, this is if the deer was actually interested in having a fight. We've stipulated the criteria of the fight. They are flighty. They are, but this one's going to fight to the death. Talking of animals, I was trying to segue neatly into this next email.

Right. This is an interesting title. Horse versus car. Brackets, not clickbait. Right. And I didn't think it was clickbait with the title horse versus car, but sure. Hi, my name is Max. And if a magical genie appeared in front of you and offered you the following which would

you choose and why this is a really weird question all right a moderately high-end car that never broke down needed gas or servicing or the ability to summon a tame immortal horse with the snap of your fingers like in elden ring or the witcher that's it i i the few times i've ridden a horse in my life, I've had exceptionally sore balls following. So I'll take the car any day of the week. Yeah, I'll take the car. I don't need no fucking Elden Ring horse. I don't need no weird immortal god horse. Hell no.

It's weird, everyone would say this is a horse guy. The horse would overshadow your personality. You'd still feel like you wanted to feed it and take care of it, even though you would not have to, you know? Who's going for the horse? If it's immortal, you could really just neglect it a lot. Right in if you'd pick the horse. I don't want to have to look after that horse.

Yeah, I'd feel bad. I wouldn't even look after the car, honestly. It's a slave. It's an ascension being. No, so you just snap your fingers and off it goes, like after that horse. Yeah, like, I'd feel bad. I wouldn't even look after the car, honestly. It's a slave. It's an ascension being. No, so you just snap your fingers and off it goes, like in The Witcher. You just go, you know, or like... Shadow facts, go to bed.

Right, he just disappears. Snap your finger, he's gone. Sleeping. Before we carry on using the internet without express VPN, it's like walking your dog in public without securing them on a leash. That doesn't sound safe. They're going to poop everywhere.

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All right. So someone sent me a script. I'm going to be honest with you. It's not good, but I thought it would be funny- Oh, don't read it if it's not good. I don't want to hear that. No, no. What, you don't want to read this? Well, fuck. All right, fine. Let's do it. No, let's do it. We don't have to. You guys are going to read out the characters.

Is this being written by AI? No, this is some lab. I can write my own bad scripts. I mean, I don't need somebody else to write a bad script for me. This is his practice for his film course at uni. All right, okay. All right, I've got it open. How long is it practice for his film course at uni. All right. Okay. All right. I've got it open. How long is it?

Two characters. It's three pages. I'd say. As scripts go, it is far too much stage direction. It's a huge amount of stage direction. Okay. So one of us could be the narrator. One of us will be Chuck.

I'll be the narrator. All right. I'll be. But these are clearly American, Sip. So it'd be nice if you did one of the voices. Well, I can't do an American voice. It's close enough. Your voice is-

I'm just chucking the oots and aboots out, like, all the time. That's fine. And sorry. That's fine. Chuck, in this story, Chuck is a Canadian cowboy who's traveled down from North, and now he's down South. I don't want to be Chuck. All right.

Be Calvin, then. All right. And he's Calvin. All right. I'll do the right. All right. Interior tavern back room, night. You don't have to read those bits.

That's not the- Yeah, you do. That's how people know where we are. All right, okay. We open in a lively Wild West saloon. It is loud and filled with people dancing, singing, and chatting loudly and indistinctly amongst themselves. There is a piano being played in the corner. We travel through this scene towards a secure steel door at the back of the room with a slider that can be opened to see through. As we get nearer, a man opens the door and walks out shaking

his head. He is looking annoyed, but with a hint of worry, clearly he is eager to leave. Travelling through the open door, we reveal a dimly lit room with a table in the middle a poker gay there are five people around the table calvin meeks he puts his heart cards on the table grinning knowing that he has just won a big pot of money and he goes to scrape the poker chips towards him before the man opposite him chuck hobbs slams his fist into the table god, you cheated. I know you did. You ain't gonna get away with this, Calvin. Chuck leaps up from the chair and rushes over to Calvin, throwing him off of his chair and onto the ground. The other men jump up from their chairs, taken off guard. Chuck lands one punch on Calvin for being hauled off him by the others.

Get that stupid son of a bitch off me. I didn't do nothing. You know what you did. You've been stealing from us all evening. I don't know how you did it, but I know it cheap when I see one. You don't know shit, Chuck Hobbs. You're as dumb as dirt. I heard people saying about you that if your brains were leather, you wouldn't even saddle

a flea. Shut your mouth, Calvin Meeks. I'm going to get you for this. Chuck enraged, struggles against the people holding him back, tries to get at Calvin. Failing to do this, he spits on the ground in front of Calvin.

How about we settle this right here, right now? I take my revolver here. I remove all the bullets except one. Then I spin the chamber so we don't know where the bullet is then we're gonna take turns putting it to our heads and pulling the trigger and whoever survives wins and how do i know you ain't gonna cheat can't cheat a bullet in the head okay you got yourself a deal who's gonna be bystander number one? Lewis, obviously. Oh, now hold on, fellas.

Why don't we settle this down and talk it out instead? No, we're settling this right now. No, yeah. Calvin and Chuck are let go by the other people in the room, return to their seats, and the others watch as Calvin takes his revolver out and removes all of the bullets except one, then spins the chamber, allowing it to stop before pushing the chamber back in. The revolver has six cylinders, and we can see that the bullet has landed in the cylinder at the bottom. Now, do you want to go first or should I?

Since you ain't enough of a man to offer up yourself, I think I'll go first. The room is deadly silent as Chuck takes the revolver to the side of his head. The only sound we hear is the clicking of metal as Chuck cocks the hammer of the revolver, turning the chamber and readying the weapon to fire. He takes a deep breath before scrunching his eyes closed and pulling the trigger. Click. Chuck opens his eyes and exhales, throwing the revolver onto the table. Woo! That's what I'm

talking about! Feeling nervous, Calvin? This is the longest piece of stage direction ever. Sorry, alright, I'm gonna skip some of this. Um, Calvin takes the revolver, rotating the next cylinder into place, and pulls the trigger. Click. Calvin opens his eyes and exhales, throwing the revolver onto the table

and Chuck suddenly looks far more worried and concerned as he reaches for it. Chuck places the revolver to the side of his head. Moments before he pulls the trigger, he thinks he sees a small smile creep onto Calvin's face, but it's too late and he pulls the trigger. Bang! A bullet pierces Chuck's skull, and his brains fly out the other side, his lifeless body falling, as Calvin stands up to leave,

taking his money and his revolver with him. Calvin walks out into the noisy saloon and sees that everyone inside is none the wiser to the events behind the steel door. One of the men from inside follows him out. I saw that smile on your face before he pulled that trigger! You knew he was gonna die, didn't you? Of course I did. If your revolver is as pristine and well-oiled as mine, no matter how many times you spin it with the bullet inside the bullet will always end up at the bottom because it's heavier so as long as i let him go first which he so graciously

offered to do i know i have nothing to worry about well i'll be dead oh dearie me it's it's like a bodega it is a bodega yeah it really really was oh god um we could fix that we really could fix that it needs a little work it needs a little work but i like the premise of course with of the end of that greased up revolver that that's you know the the well maintained spinning the problem is if you have to explain it that much like it's like well of course you expect calvin to like push his glasses up on the bridge of his nose to explain how he won it just kind of sucks the cowboy out of it do you know what i mean yeah you see as the weapon is his oil sounds so effective just gets a bit silly yes yes yes yes well i think you're he's only got this it's only a little throwaway yeah it's just

yeah but you got a little assignment it wouldn't it wouldn't work without that little explanation that little that little spin you know then you need to find an elegant way to describe it if he just literally describes it it's it's a it's too expositionary would be my... Yes, yeah. But what are your choices, you know? Where can you go from there? I liked it. Thank you. That was fun. It was pretty good. It's better than I could ever do anyway. Send us in more of your scripts.

Not AI generated, please. People send in scripts. You can tell it's not AI generated because it had that little gimmick at the end. I don't know an ai could come up with that i think i don't know if it could come up with that i think that's like a signal that it's like ai is too generic yeah it doesn't it doesn't come up with like those little clever twists and clever solutions true all right this is from jake uh we were talking about prices

of pints we talked about a bit over the years. You mentioned someone paying £9 for a pint. So, this lad in Brighton, lived here his whole life, the pint prices are even ridiculous down in Brighton. Paid £7.90 for a pint the other week. Not only is that insane, but it was in a plastic cup. Oh, that's fucking stupid. This pub is one I used to go to all the time, but it's since been overrun by students, and they don't even do student prices. Even the Guinness, which is just shy of seven quid, came in a plastic glass, which is a disgrace. Some pubs in central London aren't charging the prices we've got down here. That is true. You don't have to pay those prices in London.

It doesn't make any sense. So this is who they blame. I blame Mr. Lion. Brighton residents will know who I'm talking about. From what I gather, he owns a lot of pubs and businesses in Brighton. He's known for being driven around by a paid driver in his fancy Bentley GT or other silly luxury cars. He even has a number plate that says Mr. Lion. Right. I don't know why I'm blaming him, but it feels like he's got something to do with it. The smarmy kid.

Last little question. What do we think about Guinness and what's our opinion on Brighton? I have, I've never had a Guinness before. I'm aware of what they are. I've just never felt compelled to even try one. So I've just never had one. I've had, uh, I've had Guinness before. Um, I think generally speaking, if I'm in the mood for something like that, like a nice slow pint that you can sip at, I'll have a Guinness. Um, good Guinness is, is, is good. good. Bad Guinness is terrible. Like, I can't drink it from cans and stuff like that. It just tastes awful. But a good pub with a good Guinness... But I can only ever have one. I'm not someone who can like sit there and drink Guinness all evening. I know people who can. I just have like one Guinness and then it's like, that's

enough. I'm just not a very big drinker, honestly. Like, if I go out, I'll have a beer or, you know, I'll have a couple of ciders, but I don't go like crazy, you know? I guess I've never really understood why I would order a Guinness. Like, I've never had like, enough of a motivation. I don't know what I'm looking for, either. Like, it's just... Yeah, I guess I'm... I have tasted Guinness, I've drunk Guinness, but usually it's someone else's pint, you know?

I don't even really order... When I order beer, I don't even order it by name. I just say like, oh, can I just have a pint? And then they just give me something. Wow. Is it supposed to be like an extra smooth or something? Like a John Smith's or something? Yeah.

It is. As I understand it, until you've had Guinness... If you have Guinness in Ireland, it'll ruin Guinness for you outside Ireland. That's just the way it is. It is like, as I understand it, until you've had Guinness... If you have Guinness in Ireland, it'll ruin Guinness for you outside Ireland. That's just the way it is. It's better there. Well, that's the same with many things. Yeah. Well, indeed. So, it's meant to be much better there, but it's very smooth, it's quite hearty, and it's not something that you would sort of down. So, it's a perfect

sipping pint, I would say. Sort of thing you'd have if you want to go for a couple of pints. You maybe don't want to get bladdered, if you want to go for a couple of pints. You maybe don't want to get bladdered. You just want to sit for a couple of hours and, you know, watch a game or chat with your mate or something. Guinness is a reasonable choice because it's quite hearty. You don't need to bosh it down. Whereas with something like cider or lager, I feel like you can just slam them down pretty quickly without even realizing it.

And it's 2.30 and you're pissed all of a sudden. Oh man, I find that especially in Germanyany like their beard goes down real smooth oh yeah you're just slamming them back no problem and then you're shit-faced before you know it so yeah not not a big guinness no boy this is someone uh someone who had a colleague um who was a conspiracy theorist these are the things that they believe right this is a long list. Some of these I hadn't heard, but some of them are pretty incredible. The Earth is flat, covered by a glass dome, surrounded by an ice wall. We're talking vanilla conspiracy theory right there. Yeah.

McDonald's and other fast food chains are matrix food, and they use adenochrome, a substance only found in terrified babies and children. And when you consume it, it keeps you young. I don't know why they put it in McDonald's, but apparently they do. Babies and children are of course being kidnapped at large by the elites to farm their adenochrome and their blood. Right. Which we discussed blood boys, where apparently people use the blood of the young. This totally sounds like a real thing that people would do, though, and genuinely, like

the billionaires are doing this. I'm on board with this conspiracy theory. Okay, but they're putting it in McDonald's, you think? Yeah, they're trying to... I don't think it's in McDonald's. I know kids... It's in Wendy's. ...do love McDonald's, but I don't think they like it because it's keeping them young.

Yeah, it's weird. It's kind of the reverse, isn't it? Yeah. that mcdonald's was sucking the adenogram out of kids well yeah it's evil to let your children believe in santa because santa is an anagram of satan and santa was a pedophile that's part two of that conspiracy right any famous person ever to exist is a pedophile proven or not and the emailer says, one of the less outlandish beliefs, which is true. Church bells have healing properties due to their frequency,

but the government wants to keep us sick. That's why you don't hear bells anymore. Which is a weird one, because as they point out, I hear church bells all the time. All the fucking time. Me too, yeah. And it drives me crazy. Actually, I think they do bell ringing practice, or you can pay to go do bell ringing there. All the fucking time. Yeah. Me too, yeah. And it drives me crazy. Right. Actually. I think they do, like,

bell ringing practice or, like, you can pay to go and do bell ringing there. And so all Saturday it's just discordant nonsense from across the road. Drives me mad. They believe in chemtrails.

They believe in smart meters make you sick. And the effect they have is exponentially worse the older you are. Whatever. Smart meters make you sick what the ones that like you attach to your thing to i mean they probably make you

mentally like the dads who've got them installed are like oh my god look how much electricity we're using turn off that nintendo switch you little bastard exactly um they drank bleach to cure their cold uh they take ivermectin to kill the parasites that live in their joints. Right. They believe electricity- Well, ivermectin is an anti-parasitic. Well, ivermectin is used to kill specific parasites, I think, that you can catch

in... Is it river water? There's some kind of... I mean, ivermectin is a real drug. Yeah, it's like a deworming thing. Yeah. But you don't use it to kill the bugs that live in your joints, I don't think. Things electricity isn't carried by wires, and it's just free floating in the air, so therefore we don't need to pay bills. What does that even mean? Who knows? They think the world is ending every year, and then when it doesn't happen, they have some excuse.

They also think that we live in a simulation, and that, of course, the COVID vaccine alters your DNA and implants a microchip. So there you go. That's a pretty interesting list. Imagine walking around all day thinking all this stuff. That'd be pretty nuts. Yeah, I don't. It doesn't sound like a fun existence.

No, it doesn't. It actually just sounds like somebody who is hellbent on sucking the fun out of everything yeah at any cost like it's it does it is it is again like this fear of the unknown the future is unknown right and i think that people worry that the world is fragile because we're constantly told like oh you know if a solar um if a solar flare happens all the electricity will go away in that voice to eat their own shit uh it's like oh okay you know i mean like there's always these apocalyptic ideas right floating around and there's so many of them because they they make gripping news you know asteroids volcanoes i mean they were 20 years ago but you know and the cold war before that you know nuclear war nuclear

armageddon it's all of this is still in the back of everyone's mind. There's so many ways. But, you know, if it's not that, it's a, you know, a virus. Take it down the internet. You know, how are we going to do stuff? Yeah. You know, there's a lot of paranoia. It's a weird mentality, though, to truly believe that all of these horrible things are going to happen and then not really make the most of it while things are still, you know, good.

It's true, you'd think that, you know, exactly. You would go out and you'd be like, holy shit, if this is really happening this year, man, I got to go out and sniff some flowers and I got to go try that. here, man, I got to go out and sniff some flowers and I got to go try that. Yeah, I got to start crossing stuff off my bucket list and stuff, not sit around and think of even more miserable shit that you can get depressed about. You're exactly right. It's completely ass-backwards. Yeah, if they genuinely believe this stuff, you know, why don't they just give all their shit away if the world's going to end? Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

Just give it all away? Give it all away? The world's going to end yeah it doesn't make sense give it all away give it all away the world's going to end anyway what are you it's just like i don't know like i don't i don't understand i'm not a psychologist i don't understand the psychology behind it but it has to be rooted in some weird form of mental illness right like this obsession i think humans are prone to it though i think we've always been prone to this idea this in the same way we like to um like collect things i think there's lots of things that have more helpful for us as to survive in the early days be very paranoid be very scared be very like not not not diving into an unknown pool of water i don't know like you know the stuff that kept us alive it's in our genes so here's the question if it is mental illness, it's the most widespread mental illness that has only really appeared in this volume in the last, say, 10 years, right? I mean,

there've always been a few conspiracy theories. It was like the, you know, JFK was an inside job, and there've been a couple of others. But there seems to be an awful lot more. I'd say the last 10 or 15 years in particular, and what has happened? The vast spread of information and the internet into everybody's everyday life. I've said before, I think the main reason that people believe this crap is because they're deeply confused about the world. They're quite ignorant people, but their ego refuses to allow them to accept, I'm just not that smart. So they have all this misinformation. They absorb that easily because it's bollocks. And they're like, oh, I'm actually

smart because I know all this stuff. And you guys don't because you're sheeple and you just are idiots it's a combination of information that people don't understand that is widely available like the fact the earth is fucking round and how we know that and their massive ego that means that they cannot possibly be stupid uh because they're constantly told they're not stupid by other idiots yeah well i also think the the so often people say i've done my research and when they when they say that they mean they've watched a youtuber or even worse someone who makes a living on facebook who makes a living right off scamming you like yeah those youtube channels actually get paid that they don't believe

the shit they're peddling in the same way that these pastors, these super churches, don't believe in any of their shit either. If they did, they wouldn't have fucking Ferraris or private jets. Right. It's the ultimate cynicism, but then you've done your research, which means you've just put your trust in someone who is scamming you. Yeah. It always shocks me. It's amazing as well, I think, because these people make out like the truth is out there

and how foolish we are not to have believed it. But they've believed some unresearched bollocks, some obviously fake bollocks that is easily, easily debunked because they saw a meme on Facebook or they watched a video and they believed it. And apparently we're the gullible ones. But again, like I said, it's their ego. I don't know how they set themselves so apart from everybody else when the only thing that they do different is believe nonsense that they read on something that's accessible by

billions of people. Like it's not some private information trove that they're accessing that only they have access to or whatever and then for the most part they're just still living the same lives as everybody else they're still consuming they're still going to work they're still you know what i mean like they're still doing all the same shit it's not like you know these people aren't migrating off grid en masse and uh and really sticking it to everybody like it's it's it's it's just laughable it's just oh it's a they're time wasters massive massive time wasters like they're not even worth talking

to it's just a complete waste of time it's and on that note let's move on to the final email which is hopefully all of the people literally what this podcast is and what the emails are but i mean there's degrees of it though holy crap there are degrees there's time spent you know doing something that you enjoy and then there's this shit isn't it like this is clearly time wasted anyway this is from someone who wishes to remain anonymous this is a very very old callback and lewis this is up to you whether you want to proceed with this or not okay big fan been listening since day one finally have something worth emailing in for i'm bristol based i was re-listening to an old episode

where lewis mentioned his trainer by name turns out my housemate is good friends with one of the coaches at lewis's old gym no this gave me the idea that I could ask, through my weak ties, to answer a few questions about Lewis, like, does he remember him? Has the therapy been successful to get over this traumatic time? My first thought was that he wouldn't remember Lewis, but I thought, you wouldn't forget a client constantly accusing you of having gay sex and how many cocks he's sucked. So I figured the odds are good he'll not have forgotten. Ultimately, I understand this would be a very weird thing to do, and it probably wouldn't go anywhere.

So I leave it up to you. Should I bother this fitness professional to get his side of the story or leave him in peace? What do you think? Okay. Well, for a start, you've got to understand that a lot of stories we tell on this podcast are not necessarily exaggerated for comic effect, but cherry-picked. we tell on this podcast are not necessarily exaggerated for comic effect, but made up for comic effect.

Like cherry-picked, do you know what I mean? Like, obviously, we had a lot of very normal conversations and other stuff as well as these funny things that happened. I don't think you should ever stalk people from the podcast. Agreed. Or try and find them in real life or ask them about this stuff. You can, but my advice would be to not. And I think over time, certainly I'm trying to anonymise the interactions I have with people. Like when we were talking about the bands I'd seen at the weekend.

If you wanted to, you could look at the Simple Things festival line-up for Bristol 2024 and find out who I was talking about, right? Probably quite easily. But I'm not going to... I wouldn't advise it, right? And I don't want people... I don't want the word getting back to this band that Lewis thought they were shit or whatever. I mean, that's not going to help anyone, is it? And I

don't think talking to my personal trainer from seven years ago about if he was weirded out by a weirdo on the internet is a good thing to do. But you know, you do you. No, you can't you do you it. I think you made a good point. We should definitely not do it.

Just accept that this podcast exists in a little bubble where we talk bollocks, you guys listen, and sometimes you email in and tell us facts and stuff like that. Or in the mailbag, you give us interesting stories. We don't need to do any work outside of that. We don't need to go and do any special investigations. We don't need to follow ups. It is what it is.

Let's just leave it to die here, rather than trickle into the real world. I think that's going to be our mantra henceforth. Let it die here rather than trickle into the real world. I think that's going to be our mantra henceforth. Let it die here. So no, please do not contact this guy. Let this person live in peace, not knowing that any of this stupid shit made it online, please. Maybe he's very aware of it and this episode is going to trigger him because he's like in a brace for having to speak to somebody about it again. You know, he's only just gotten over it. He checks in every once in a while to make sure that he's not being mentioned

and stuff. You know, it's been years, probably like I'm off the hook, they haven't mentioned me and now all of a sudden, the doors are open again, the investigation's been restarted, it's open. Good lord. Oh man. All right. Well, that's our mailbag for this week. Give us some interesting stories. What an amazing podcast. Yeah, it was incredible. It was really good. It was a really good time. Not at all a waste of time, unlike some other stuff that you could be listening to.

Yeah. Give us some stuff we haven't talked about before. Maybe instead of thinking about callbacks, you've got an interesting story, send it in. We don't have to ask for it. You've got something interesting, send it in. One small request. I will for it. You've got something interesting, send it in. One small request. I will make it again as I do every week. Please don't send me three-page essays. They're not going to get read out. And remember, this podcast exists as an audio podcast. So, sending me 30 images to go alongside it, that's not helpful. Just write words that we can read. But an outro theme tune. Outro theme tunes keep it coming. Again, that's audio.

Music and stuff, if you send it to us and it's original music, it's not at all copied, you might hear it on here. It's possible. We have the technology, so. Yeah. Or your three-page at most scripts. Yes. Preferably with slightly fewer stage directions or truncated stage directions.

I think like 70% less narration. Yes. Okay. There was just too much narration in that one. Too much. Yeah. Too much. You know,

you get to hear my voice more. That's true. That's the downside. That is true. That is one of them. That is true. All right. Well,

all right. Thank you everybody. We'll see you next time. Bye. Goodbye. thank you everybody we'll see you next time bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

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bye bye bye bye bye the sound of the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the music to the