Triforce! - YoGPoD 15: Halloween Special

Episode Date: August 8, 2009

This is the YoGPoD HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (in August). In which we discuss scary stories, and whatever the hell else we usually talk about. You know the drill. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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at Real Canadian Superstore. music. It's brilliant. Where am I going to use this? Just put it in the middle. It'd be nice. People would love it. I'd be like, oh, that's a nice bit of music. Oh, this is lovely. It's like a proper radio show. Because proper radio shows play really poor quality midis. Midi soundtracks from a website from the 1980s that you discovered when you were looking for pictures of naked Vanessa Hudgens.

Vanessa Hudgens. Why do you say her name so oddly? How are you supposed to say it? I thought it was like Vanessa Huygens or something. I thought the D was silent. Huygens? What, like the belt? The Huygen belt in space.

Space? In space? Why are you mocking me? You're the one who can't pronounce Hudgens Hudgens I do say Hudgens Hudgens You say it like that

I don't You fuck And back to our recording No, we're going to go back to the podcast now Say it again Vanessa Hudgens Why do you do that? What do you mean? Back to the podcast now. Say it again. No. Vanessa Hudgens. Why do you do that?

What do you mean? That's how I say it. What's wrong with that? You're, like, worse than me when I, you know, say sausage. Or raspberry. Hello, and welcome to TTT. Yorkport! Yorkport! Yorkport! Yorkport! Yorkport!

Yorkport! Yorkport! Yorkport! Good evening, Simon. How are you doing? I'm doing very well, thank you, Lewis. I've been reading the SCP wiki. It's like a series of weird artefacts

that have been discovered and are being kept secure and away from the public. It's not real. By who? It's not real. By an organisation. Is this like a conspiracy theory? No, it's fiction. Fictional stories that people make up and they put it on the wiki. This comes from the Creepypasta series of stories.

Creepypasta? Yes, Creepypasta. of stories. Creepypasta? Yes, Creepypasta. Pasta? Creepypasta. As in spaghetti? As in the sort of small pieces of chewy white spaghetti? Look, pasta can come in many forms. There's the ones that are like little tubes.

Penne. The ones that look like bow ties. Bowie. The ones that are like spir ties. Bowie. The ones that are like spirals. Fusilli. The ones that are just sheets. Sheety. Shitini.

Shitini pasta. Ravioli. You can't forget ravioli. I'd like some shitini pasta, please. With some shiitake mushrooms. So, creepypasta, they're pretty good. Well, some of them are pretty good stories. They're like ghost story kind of things.

About weird events or odd things that you can recreate. If you go to this abandoned warehouse at this time and you perform this task, something weird opens. So is this one like if you go to Luigi's Pasta Restaurant and order the double ravioli with cheese? Chitini.

Chitini. You're gonna get a zombie coming out of your pasta and attacking you. Or a ghost. Exactly. Exactly. It's kind of coming out of your pasta and attacking you. Or ghosts. Exactly. It's kind of similar to...

Well, it's inspired by Silent Hill in some places. Where, you know, there are dark, horrible things and you can cross over to this darker world. So tell me about this haunted pasta. The haunted pasta. it contains the souls of little baby pastas that were caught in the wild, culled, executed,

slayed and slaughtered and made into the delicious pasta that we enjoy today. So are you suggesting that pasta is made from tiny little fusilli-shaped animals? Yes. Yes. They make little mewing sounds like newborn kittens. Oh gosh, that's terrible. Yeah, but it's worth it because it's just so delicious. The haunted pair of glasses

Anyone who wears them Turns into a zombie It is kind of like that Essentially yeah But I mean a lot of them are mechanical devices That may have come from the past May have come from the future Maybe from like a different dimension

Some of them look like Ordinary household objects You should browse this future, maybe from a different dimension. Some of them look like ordinary household objects. You should browse this because it is just fucking weird as hell. Oh, there's a coffee machine. It's like a weird magical coffee machine. This is a good good one. You have to put 50 cents into it and you enter the name of any liquid using a touchpad and it delivers 12 ounces of whatever you've asked for. There's like a great example of something that happened. There were two agents that were testing out you know asking it for various liquids and one of the agents is called um joseph and the other agent asks for a cup of joe which is slang for coffee so he says can i have a cough of Joe? And then Agent Joseph begins to sweat, complains of dizziness, and then he collapses.

And they find this horrible fleshy mixture in the cup. And there is 12 ounces of flesh that, when it's DNA tested, belongs to Agent Joseph. Dun dun dun. How would that work? It's not real. Do you understand this? It's not real. Someone asks

for a cup of anti-water. The machine hums and displays a message that says, out of range. What does that mean? They theorise that it couldn't get any antimatter from

another dimension or whatever. A researcher keyed in a request for the best drink I've ever had. A fluid was dispensed that was similar in appearance to cola. The researcher drinks it,

and he recognises it from something he had during his bachelor party years ago. And at the time he said, Oh, this is the best drink I've ever had. And he didn't know what was in it, other than it used cola as a mixer, and it had rum and some other spirits had rum and so how does that teleport from where if it's like a unique mix of stupid stuff where was that originally does it blend itself like a cocktail does it like extract a little bit from all sorts of other places yeah it must

teleport from somewhere some rum some cola some of the other spirits involved. I think this is really interesting. That coffee machine is really, really interesting, isn't it? You could imagine these police being good plots for stuff, for short stories or sci-fi and stuff. There's loads of these little tests that they run on it. It's amazing. Like there's a test in which someone keys in the perfect drink dispenses a cup containing an odorless lavender liquid the subject drinks the liquid and he appears to go into like shock and he later kills himself leaving behind a note that says i'm'm sorry, but at this point, everything's just one big letdown.

Isn't that brilliant? Someone asks for a pan-galactic gargle blaster. Oh, yeah. From the Hitchhiker's Guide. The machine dispenses a fluid, dark yellowish-green in colour, which ever vests and appeared to give off a vapour similar to that observed in the sublimation of dry ice. Subject drank what he called a single, minuscule sip of the fluid.

He later reported the taste as being somewhere between a gin and tonic, a margarita, a glass of scotch whisky... Oh, and that's it. And then it ends there. It doesn't actually complete the line. That's obviously for someone else to fill in. Upon swallowing... You can fill it in, it's a wiki. What else shall we fill in there? No, no. I'm saying it would be stupid to edit it when it's left out in order to be somewhat slightly subtle about it. I mean it it wouldn't be a very good...

I mean, technically, and saying, oh, it tasted a bit like a fucking gold brick hitting me on the edge. You know, that doesn't really work, does it? Was the person from Yorkshire... Was Douglas Adams from Yorkshire? By the way. I think he must have been. Because I'd love to hear

the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy read out in him a yorkshire accent fucking gold brick it and be on the edge i should do that one day he had a hangover that lasted 18 hours after drinking one sip of the pangalactic gargle blaster it's not actually gargle but it's it's like blackened out. They often black out a lot of the information, like people's names and such. Why? It's classified information, isn't it? You can't go around saying names.

You cannae do that. You cannae. I'm not fucking Scottish. Right, let's get another one. Get another one. You know what would be good? It would be good if the fans of the Yogpod

gave us their own little SCPs. Their own little weird items. Good idea. Yeah, a lot of them are standalone stories. Some of them are part of a sequence, a collection.

On your 33rd birthday, like stand alone stories, some of them are like part of a sequence, a collection. On your 33rd birthday, go to your local gas station and pick up the newspaper. The classified ads will have a small segment commemorating your birth and asking you to turn around. Upon looking behind you, a man dressed in a black cloak will be advancing in your direction if you choose to run away he will hunt you for the rest of your life eventually killing you

however if you await his arrival and show no intent of fleeing he will give you a small package inside you shall find the object you most desire. Right, okay. So you can either run away and he'll hunt you down and kill you, or you can just wait there and he'll give you a present for your birthday. There you go.

These are the kind of things left on YouTube comments, aren't they? Like, chain email things. I guess so. Yeah. I mean, some of them are. I mean, a lot of them are very different from these. I mean, these are kind of like rituals, they're known as. You have to do, you know, certain things and something will happen. Blah, blah, blah.

A young couple have just been married at a large family wedding the reception is held at the bride's grandmother's house after they have had dinner and cake and such they all decide to play hide and seek not that likely a story which has been a tradition in the bride's

family for quite some time ok yeah I can believe that ok the bride knowing family for quite some time. Okay, yeah, I can believe that. Okay. The bride, knowing the house, decides to hide in the attic in a large chest. But when she climbs in, she slips and the lid comes crashing down. It knocks her out and she's now locked unconscious in the chest. Right. Not so believable but possible very just just

about possible okay just just about believable yeah meanwhile the rest of the family is searching for her and they're starting to get worried okay how long have they been hours of calling hours right okay hours after hours of calling for her and searching the house They call the police Who are also unable to find the missing bride The bride eventually wakes up This is like the game This is like some badly orchestrated horror film

Yes The bride eventually wakes up But is unable to get out of the chest So she starves to death What do, so she starves to death. What do you mean she starves to death? Do you know how long it takes to starve to death? Well, she lost a lot of weight before the wedding, so she was a bit skinny. No, you don't starve to death.

You die of thirst before you starve to death. No, she was able to... She took a bottle of water. She was able to lick the condensation from the inside of the box. Right. Do you know how long it takes to starve to death if you've got access to water?

You know it's not real. It takes like seven days. So she received that box for seven days. Right. Approximately. With a husband. She was only in a house They would have torn the house apart They would have pulled the house apart

Looking for her They would have torn down every single wall Everywhere Hello Hello Can anyone hear me? Hello I could really use a sandwich

I've been in here for seven days I'm fucking famished Come on Little bit of pizza Some scrambled eggs, bit of toast Oh come on It takes a long time Sorry, I know I treat these things with a bit of realism

But I can't help it It's my duty to question. Because you're a jerk. No, it's just I'm a scientist. It's because you're a jerk. You're not a real scientist, though, are you? Of course I am. I've got a degree in chemistry.

I'm a master of chemistry. I've spent four years at university studying chemistry. So when was the last time you touched a test tube? When did you last touch a test tube? What do you mean, when did I last touch a test tube. When did you last touch a test tube? What do you mean, when did I last touch a test tube? Mr. fucking scientist. Is that the qualifications now for being a scientist? Yeah.

If you ask any Nobel Prize winner when the last time he touched a test tube was, I'd be surprised if he told you that they use test tubes anymore. I haven't been using them for about 30 years. Oh, it was last week, Simon. It's funny you should ask that. That's how I managed to discover the cure for cancer. I had it in this little test tube all

along. No one uses test tubes anymore. They're so stupid. They're just a waste of time. Anyway, this isn't the end of the story, right? The bride is in this chest. She eventually starves to death Okay, right The next people move in, do they?

To the house No, no, no Years later The bride's younger sister gets married Dun, dun, dun Right And they go through the same thing Receptions at the bride's grandmother's house They have dinner and cake Dun dun dun Right And they go through The same thing The reception's

At the bride's Grandmother's house They have dinner And cake And they decide to Follow the tradition Even though For fuck's sake

Her sister Just disappeared The last time they played They thought This went okay Last time We'll do it again There was no tragic event

Last time Well maybe they just forgot again. There was no tragic event last time. Maybe they just forgot. I don't know. I can see the logic there. They don't want to bring back bad memories or anything. No, it's a tradition. I'm sure the groom must love it. It's the same guy.

Is he marrying the sister now? Yeah, probably. Okay, so it's the same guy. I can marrying the sister now? Yeah, probably. Okay, so it's the same guy. I can see why he'd be happy with this. I can see why he'd like to do this. Guess where her sister decides to go and hide. Is it the box in the attic

that nobody knows about? Yeah, the chest in the attic in which they didn't decide to look in to try and find where her sister might be. So she picks the same chest. She opens it, even though it was locked. And inside, she finds...

Nothing. Much to her horror, her sister's rotted remains still wearing the wedding dress. Dun-dun-dun! But now, the wedding dress is covered in blood from her frantically trying to claw her way out of the chest. And then she slips, bangs her head, falls into the chest, and the chest falls and locks shut.

Excellent. Well, I mean, this is really worthwhile, isn't it? But, I mean, some of these stories are pretty good I mean that is funny isn't it It's a funny little story because it is kind of so ridiculous It's stupid If you bathe naked a whole night Under the light of the full moon You'll be able to attain

A three hour erection The following day Right that is definitely read Directly from YouTube Yeah that's pretty Piss poor following day. Right, that is definitely read directly from YouTube. Yeah, that's pretty piss poor. If you link three articles on YouTube to your profile

in two hours you'll meet the love of your life and you'll be happy forever. Your crush will kiss you. But if you don't you'll die tomorrow. Dun, dun, dun. Precisely.

In Berlin, after World War II, money was short, supplies were tight, and it seemed like everyone was hungry. At the time, people were telling the tale of a young woman who saw a blind man picking his way through a crowd. The two started to talk. The man asked her for a favour. Could she deliver the letter to the address on the envelope? Well, it was on her way home, so she agreed. She started out to deliver the message, when she turned around to see if there was anything else the blind man needed.

But she spotted him hurrying through the crowd without his smoked glasses or white cane. She went to the police, who raided the address on the envelope where they found heaps of human flesh for sale.

And what was in the envelope? What do you mean for sale? What do you mean for sale? What do you mean for sale? Because people are hungry. There's no food. There's no money. Did it have those little wooded sides in it, like 50 pence per pound or whatever?

Was there like a special offer? Human arse. On arse. Arse, buy two, get one free. One little bit of the story. Inside of the envelope, there's a message and it says, This is the last one I am sending you today. You see?

Because she was delivering it and she was going to be made into a heap of human flesh. I guess she already is. Delicious. Very nice with creepy pasta. Do you reckon there's like a gourmet restaurant nearby? You know, because wherever you find these speciality meat shops, there's always like

a restaurant that uses it nearby, you know, to like get cheap meat and stuff. Like halal meat. Yeah. Scary stories, Lewis. Are you going to be able to sleep tonight? Yeah. Halloween! Is this like the horror special? Yeah, this is our Halloween special. It's quite a while away, but...

The phone rings. Hello? Yes, hello. May I have a few moments of your time? Sure, I guess. The phone clicks. You feel a little older. Oh my god. The Ockport Halloween Special. This is ridiculous. This one is just ridiculous. An unpopular young med student had been particularly annoying one day, and some of her classmates decided to play a trick on her. They snuck into her room after she had gone to bed and placed an amputated arm into bed with her. The next morning they waited anxiously for her reaction, but they got none. Eventually they went up to check on her and they found her sitting on the bed, moaning and gurgling as she gnawed on the arm.

What noise was she making? Gnawed on the arm. That's brilliant. Lovely story, isn't it heartwarming I would say so oh yeah I would say so if we do a Halloween special

you've got to have some really stupid fucking sound effects okay like laughter and light well not lightning thunder

wow did you like that no no I didn't why not what's wrong with it Jesus Christ I just Wow. Did you like that? No. No, I didn't. Why not? What's wrong with it? Jesus Christ.

A little bit of wee just came out of my willy. Oh, God. Don't do it again. What do you mean? I have to staple it shut. What the fuck? Don't do that. Peeing all over the place.

In 1962, the popular crayon men were captured by the US government. They were placed in a maximum security prison, but they escaped. You can find them. Maybe you can recruit.

The A-Team. So we'll never find out what happened in 1962. Oh, sorry, in 1962. You've ruined it. No, you've ruined it. You've ruined it by No, he's ruined it. He's ruined it by doing the 18th. Which is pretty terrifying.

In 1962. Now I'm doing it like the fucking guy who does the voiceover at the start of the 18th. Do it like the X-Files. Okay. In 1962. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm glad one of us thinks so. In 1962, the popular- IN 1962!

Just say it with your tongue hanging out. In 1962, the popular clay- You sound like you've got a cock in your mouth. That- a very large, thick girth of a tongue came out of my mouth. This is ridiculous- Why am I doing this?! Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this?

What am I talking with my fucking tongue? Hang it out of my mouth. It's a creepy white... Just read the story. In 1962, the popular crayon manufacturer, Crayola, was forced to change the name of its flesh colour to peach. Many people believe this was a response to the Cyril Rights Movement. Whoa. Who's that?

The Cyril Rights Movement. What the fuck is the Cyril Rights Movement? It's a chap called... He's a big fella in Yorkshire. He looked like he was the mayor. The mayor. Cyril Wrights. It's a chap called... He's a big fella in Yorkshire. He was the mayor. The mayor. Cyril Wrights. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hello there, Mayor Cyril. Eey up, lad. So can you hazard a guess why Crayola would have changed the name of a crayon from flesh to peach? Try and guess the end of the story. Alright, well I reckon if children... Creepy children

were using the flesh-coloured crayon to draw things... No child has ever spoken like that. ...toward their grave alive. Oh God! That's an old lady! That's an old lady! That's not a child's voice.

That is a creepy old lady. Hello. The hell are you doing? I'm a little child. Oh fuck. Is that better? Oh god, that's horrible. Hello.

I don't know what the opposite of an erection is, but I currently have it. Right. I don't know. I don't know. I'm using a smartphone. What the hell is that? To draw with. That's horrible.

Oh my god. That's horrible. Oh my God. That's horrible. I drew a picture of a kitten and it came alive. I'm sorry? And killed me. How did that happen? How does that happen? How does a kitten come alive from a picture?

I don't know. I don't know. So what? Is that not true? Is that not true? That the kitten came to life? That the flesh coloured crayons were somehow No

The reality of the situation The reason that Crayola Changed the name of flesh coloured crayons To peach Is that they were running out of Skin donors Skin donors I went a little bit cross eyed is that they were running out of skin donors.

I went a little bit cross-eyed when I said that. I don't quite know why. I made a weird face. For no reason. Skin donors! Make this weird face. For the radio radio That's brilliant Nice work there

Perfect cross-eyed Oh my god I could just imagine you just It's not a nice mental image is it Oh god What are we doing Cross-eyed and I'm patting my belly It's a terrifying image

with my tongue hanging out my mouth as I'm trying to speak hello hello don't do that don't use that voice, it's horrible do an introduction to the Halloween Yogg an introduction to the Halloween Yoggpods.

Welcome to the Halloween Yoggpods. Hello. Brilliant. Help me. I'm trapped. You're trapped in a chest in an attic. Yeah. I think what happened was,

after the woman, the second woman got, after the woman, the second woman got trapped in the attic, her daughter was going to get married. And they went to the... They could have put a room in that fucking chest after

a few decades, wouldn't they? Well, no, but obviously they're just going to keep compacting people down in there. Oh. It's like all this squishy, dried,

desiccated flesh. Dusty old bones. It's weird, isn't it, that the word desiccated is only ever used in the context of flesh

or coconut. Oh, no. Oh, this is a really bad one. It's based on an urban legend. It was the day before a couple's wedding. Oh, not again. Yeah, yeah. If you ever get married,

basically that's it. It was the night before a couple's wedding. Anyway, it was... Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woo like Brian Blessed in the Star Wars movie he was in. He's like the king of the fish people. The year was 2009. The date was tonight. Dun dun dun. Oh my god. Go on. It was the day before a couple's wedding. The bride-to-be wanted to look beautiful in her white wedding dress so she went to a local salon to get a healthy-looking tan pale. So she lathered herself up with deep tanning lotion and visited every tanning salon

in her town. Now how many tanning salons would that be? She visits every tanning salon in town. I mean, how many would that be? Like two or three maybe? Yeah. So she went to two or three tanning salons. She went to Ted's Sunshine Salon which is just next to the bakery and then she popped in at Lucinda's

Orange Jaffa Emporium. Oh, I know Lucinda's Orange Jaffa Emporium. Oh, I know Lucinda's. Yeah, Lucinda's orange Jaffa Emporium. It's quite a popular... It's opposite that fried chicken place, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Crunchy Fried Wings. Crunchy Fried Wings, I think. Crunchy Fried Wings. Yeah. Wings. Crunchy fried wings I think Crunchy fried rings Yeah Yeah Wings It's a good

Wings not rings They only They only ever sell wings there No other part of it Yeah they do a good business On wings The The other

People like wings People like wings Well what can I say I don't like wings Actually Um No so she pops in At Lucinda's

Lucinda's The Jaffer Empor No, so she popped in at Lucinda's. Lucinda's Jaffa Emporium. And she popped in at the other one as well. Okay, so she's been to these other... Yeah, she's been to two tanning salons. Yeah. Okay. Because that's all there are in any town, right? The next day, right after the couple said,

I do, the bride fell over dead. Well, I mean, hang on, hang on, hang on. So, I mean, I don't think that's excessive. Do you go to tanning salons? I think that's fine. I think that's perfectly fine. I mean, maybe, maybe if the first one didn't give you enough of a tan,

you know, you need a good tan. You need a good orange all over. Is it good look? Maybe the first one was, you know, missed a few spots. Look, good luck? The orange, skin, missed a few spots. Look, look, good luck. You can always have two. There's no problem with that.

No, no, that's fine. So she's had her wedding and she's dropped down dead. Oh dear. That's bad news. Oh dear, oh dear. Oh dear, what happened? She's dead. She just died. Oh dear. Oh dear, what happened? She's dead! She just died! Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear!

What happened? Did they ever find out what happened? Apparently, the autopsy reported that her organs had been cooked. Oh dear! What? What? What? What? Did she accidentally go into crunchy fried wings? For a tan? Because that might have been the problem.

I think I've identified the problem. She went to go to Lucinda's but she went in the wrong one. She went in the deep fryer. And she didn't notice until the wedding day. All of her organs are covered in the secret recipe. Delicious batter. Of crunchy fried wings. Delicious.

Yes. Their secret recipe. It's the general's secret recipe. I think it's known as. He's a general. A general. Yeah, yeah, yeah. General crunchy fry.

Yeah. It's quite a popular brand in England I don't know whether you've heard of it Yeah, yeah A lot of our American listeners Might not be familiar with General Country Fry The General?

Oh, he's a good man His face is all over the place Oh God Oh dear So yeah, her organs have been cooked. You must have heard that urban legend before. It's so bad. So bad.

I've not heard that one before, but that is utterly ridiculous, isn't it? It's, um... Yeah. It's one of those things... It's like a story that you can... Her orchids got cooked. Her orchids got cooked. What do you mean her orchids got cooked?

It's like the outside... She only had like a spray on tan. Her outside's fine. She did go in a microwave. She got a lovely tan. But the inside is just all cooked. And she was fine. She was fine for like, I don't know,

12 hours or something You know And then suddenly She just thought it was a little bit Of pre-wedding nerves That's all you know I think you know She was feeling a bit of butterflies

In her stomach Little did she know That she was actually All crunchy and crispy inside The butterflies are like Landing on her liver And nibbling At the delicious

Crunchy fry coating Oh my gosh Goodness me their liver and nibbling at the delicious crunchy fry coating. Oh my gosh. Goodness me. Well that's a good one. It's awful isn't it? Awful. Oh god, you must have heard of this one, right? A young couple had to resort to a new babysitter one night because their regular sitter was ill. The girl came highly recommended Common thing.

Yeah, I mean there's nothing odd about that so far. Happens all the time. The girl came highly recommended but the couple were a little put off when she arrived and they discovered she was a hippie. Dun, dun, dun! Lightning sound effect...

Thunder sound effect goes here. She was a hippie. So how... Dun, dun, dun. Who recommended her, do you think? Was it just the neighbours or the other babysitter? Okay, that's me, right. I mean, that's... So the baby... Who recommended her, do you think? Was it just the neighbours? It was an agency. The babysitter? Yeah. Okay. I mean, that's how you get babysitters from.

Because, you know, they check, don't they? They do background checks and things. Yeah, of course, of course. Of course. These babysitters have been heavily vetted. Yes, yes. Okay. So, they discovered she was a hippie

But being a young and open-minded couple They decided to go ahead on their trip to the theatre That they would call and check on the baby in the sitter During the intermission Good idea, good idea Okay, I mean that's pretty reasonable Hold on, hold on What do you mean? They're going to the theatre.

How far away is this theatre? It's right next door. Well, it's not next door, is it? They'll phone. They won't, you know, call around. Oh, right, right. They're not going to go back home. They're going to phone, okay, during the intermission.

That's fine, that's fine. It's a very nice thing to do. Very thoughtful. A lot of people wouldn't do that. A lot of parents wouldn't do that. A lot of parents wouldn't do that. Well, I think many would, because they want to check. I don't think many would. I don't think many would. To mention they have a bit of ice cream, they don't want to...

Well, you know, they're worried. They're nervous. All right. Well, I mean, I can give them that. How old is this baby, by the way? It's a little baby It's like I don't know A month or two It's a bit ridiculous

That they're going out And they're leaving Such a young child At home I don't think they would Do that Would they It's a really good play

At the theatre You know It's something really What is it It's Hamlet With With David Tennant And Patrick Stewart

Oh well I wouldn't miss that For anything No so I can totally see No But they couldn't get the normal babysitter They've gone to see They couldn't have scheduled it for another time No

Only tonight So during the intermission They call And there's no one they could have left a baby with No family All of their family is on holiday They're all on holiday Everyone is on holiday

It's the summer holidays So They phone the babysitter During the intermission Who tells The mother that everything Was groovy And that she felt a bit hungry

So she Stuffed and roasted the turkey For a nice dinner Okay so I mean she couldn't have accidentally She couldn't have accidentally stuffed and roasted the baby. No, of course not. That wouldn't happen, would it?

Of course that wouldn't happen. I don't think that could happen. That mistake, I mean, that never even crossed her mind, probably. I mean, they don't really look alike, do they? A turkey and a baby. They're quite different things. Did they possibly have a turkey

in the fridge when they left? Is that something that the mother would have left in the fridge, a whole turkey? No. In fact, the mother was a bit surprised because she says to her husband I didn't think that we had a turkey in the refrigerator.

Oh gosh. Well maybe they have one in the freezer. That's weird, isn't it? Oh yeah, that'll be it. Yeah. Although a frozen turkey would take a long time to roast and I very much doubt she would have managed to heat up the oven. It takes about 20 minutes to heat up the oven. Even just an unfrozen one. Put the turkey in the oven. An unfrozen one would still take a couple of hours. Even an unfrozen one put the turkey in the oven an unfrozen one would still take a couple of hours even an unfrozen turkey takes a couple of hours yeah

yeah so strikes me it's a bit odd that that's maybe it's a bit odd is it

it's a bit odd maybe it was one of these quick cook turkeys or something like that maybe she microwaved it I'm just guessing no no it does say roasted

it says roasted stuffed sometimes you can get these microwaves that have a sort of roast she stuffed it lewis she stuffed you know the turkey what did she stuff the turkey with did the mother ask that no probably i don't know a bit of sage and onion maybe a bit of pasty or apple okay okay breadcrumbs you know usual and she's eating it did you say, usual. And she's eaten it, did you say? She's eaten... So the hippie's eaten...

Yeah, she's eaten, you know, the turkey. The whole turkey? Well, some of it. She's eaten some of the turkey, I imagine. I find turkey a bit dry. I find it difficult to eat. Shall we read on? Quite a lot...

Go on, go on then, go on. All right, all right, let's read on. Let's see what happens, shall we? When the parents got home, they were shocked to find the babysitter lying on the floor, staring blankly into space, tripped out on acid or something. Gosh.

Right? So the parents, naturally, they panic, and they start looking all over the house for the baby, but it's nowhere to be found. Oh, gosh. That's a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah, that's very, but it's nowhere to be found. Oh, gosh. That's a bit weird, isn't it? Yeah, that's very strange. What's happened to it?

Maybe someone snatched it. I don't know. I think that's the logical conclusion to come to in that situation. So, of course, they call the police, and they say, our little baby has been stolen. Our incompetent babysitter's here.

She's eaten a turkey that we don't have. stolen. Our incompetent babysitter's here. She's eating a turkey that we don't have. Well, they wouldn't say it to the police. They wouldn't say it to the police, would they? Actually, I feel a bit hungry. Can I just put you on hold for a minute? What do you mean? Can I just put you on hold?

I'm a bit hungry. They're not hungry. Their baby's missing. They can smell the roast turkey. They can smell. They're blasting there. They're not hungry. They can smell the roast turkey. Of course they're not hungry. They can smell the roast turkey from the kitchen.

Well, are you sure it's... Except it smells a bit odd. It smells a bit funny. It smells a bit funny. It's like, well, that smells nice, but I'm pretty sure turkey doesn't quite smell like that. And so, you know, they pop through into the kitchen and they see a little package wrapped in foil.

They unwrap it and inside is the baby roasted and partially eaten, filled with stuffing. That's terrible. Oh dear. It's a true story. eaten, filled with stuffing. That's terrifying. That's terrible. Oh dear. Duh!

It's a true story. That happens. Logscast! Logscast! Horror story! Logscast! Halloween special. You're listening to

the HorrorPod. Logscast! HorrorPod the HorrorPod. The Oxcast. HorrorPod. HorrorPod. The Oxcast. HorrorPod. When is October? October.

Oh, it's in October. Ages. We might have to release this sooner. August, September. It's three months. It's three months away. I guess that's not that long away, is it really? We might have to release this sooner.

Just an early Halloween. Early Halloween, released in August. Yeah, I can see that. That's brilliant. Brilliant. So when are we going to have the Christmas one? In fucking September? Well, we've never been particularly accurate on the old dates and shit, have we? Let's record the Christmas one now, whilst we're at it.

Get it all out of the way, and then we can take the rest of the year off! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Christmas special! Ho ho ho! My sack is bulging with gifts for my delightful Yorknords! Ho ho ho! I need a bit of a very pat, Lewis. Can you give me a bit of a very pat, please? No. On this month's show, we're going to talk about Christmasy things. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la If you know what I mean I went from a fake laugh To a real one That was so weird Oh god That's something the listeners Have got to look forward to

So am I going to have to find a site With lots of Christmasy stories No we're not going to do the Christmas one For god's sake Do the Christmas one when it's Christmas It's July We totally should Christmas one when it's Christmas. It's July. We totally should. I think July. It's hot outside.

I'm a bit sweaty. It is quite hot today, isn't it? Tonight, even. You have been listening to the Halloween special in August of the Yodpod. Thank you for listening

and don't have nightmares.