Triforce! - YoGPoD 17: Don't they just go down to their undies

Episode Date: August 26, 2009

Simon is adventuring in London, so I ask him a lot of random questions while he talks into his laptop in his friends lounge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickaxe. won't find anywhere else. Experience the excitement of the casino floor right on your phone. Download the app and play whatever, wherever, and whenever. Your options for fun are endless. On DraftKings Casino, your way is the only way to play. Join the fun on your time, in your space, and within your means. The best part is it's safe, secure, and reliable. So deposits and withdrawals happen when you're ready. Go all in on fun with DraftKings Casino. Head to the App Store to download.

Explore a full suite of games and find your favorites today. DraftKings Casino, the crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario, 1-866-531-2600. 19 and over and physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See casino.draftkings.com for details. Please play responsibly. Well, I had a good idea.

I found a lot of questions that I could ask you. You're going to interview me for a position at the Yogpod and if I fail, then I get sacked? Not really. I mean, we had a letter from a Yogpod listener and

so what I thought we'd do is I thought Well I was I was You alright man? Let's start again Okay let's just do This is like

We need to We need to do something To get online You're just deranged today Aren't you? Hello We need to do something to get online. You're just deranged today, aren't you? Hello, and welcome to TTT. Yorkport Yorkport Yorkport Yorkport Yorkport

So, Simon, hi, how you doing? Hello, you alright? Are you... Hello You're on a laptop in a strange place This is correct, yes Okay, well what I've got is I've had a letter from a guy

Called LXBuddyB419XL And the letter reads Hello Honeydew and Zephos I enjoy the Yoggpod Who would have known a few wow how-to videos Doing the exact opposite of what they are supposed to do would become so popular? I don't know why, but it seems I'm the only one in my state who enjoys listening to the Yoggpod. Right? Well, yeah, that's probably true.

Yeah, I can't really argue with that. I tried sharing it with a friend, but he thinks I'm crazy for listening to this waste of time. Wow. I disagree. Thanks. Thanks, buddy. Randomness is great. Why would he tell us that? Anyway. Why would he feel the need to tell us? I told a mate about it. He listened

to it for a bit and said you were shit. And that I was wasting my time listening to you. That's a glowing review. Anyway, I have a few questions that I would wasting my time listening to you. That's a glowing review. Anyway, I have a few questions that I would like to have answered if you find the time. Okay. You ready for these questions?

I'm just going to hit you with some questions, okay? Oh, Christ. First three. I'm ready. All right. What's the F is a Jaffa Cake? They sound scrumptious. So he doesn't even know what a Jaffa Cake is.

Yeah. Where do you start with that? Where do you start? It's kind of like a 1950s science fiction movie Flying Saucer, but it's a cake. I believe the Queen actually eats Jaffa Cakes herself. In the morning when she wakes up and she performs her daily ablutions, she likes to have a nice cup of tea. And on the side of the saucer in which she has her cup of tea, she has a single pristine Jaffa Cake,

which she likes to enjoy first thing in the morning. Okay. Question two. Right. Before we carry on. Carry on. Before we carry on. You've gone into queen mode. Before one

carries on. Could you try and cut these There's lots of questions to go through. Could you try and be a bit sharper on them and quicker? Okay, quick, snappy. Yeah. Do you guys live near each other or do you just talk online? We just talk online.

If you could pick any name in the universe to be called, what would your name be? Dave exclamation mark, you're not. What do you like to put on your w would your name be? Dave exclamation mark, Yognord. What do you like to put on your waffles stroke French toast? I haven't had French toast in a long time, but I just like it

with tomato sauce. What? Oh, we're talking about potato waffles. I don't think we are talking about potato waffles. We're just talking about waffles.

Yeah, sweet waffles. Do you like tomato... Okay. What's your favourite thing in the whole world? My favourite thing in the whole world... I'm giving an interview... James' housemate has just walked in From his point of view, I'm just talking to my laptop

Sorry, what was the question again? What's your favourite thing in the whole world? Um, Star Trek Do you believe in the theory that while we call colours by their real name, what we actually see varies from person to person? Probably, yes. If I was to meet you, could I hug you? Who's saying this?

Whose point of view is that from? It doesn't matter. No. No. you is that from? It doesn't matter. No. If you could be reincarnated as an animal, insect or something else in your next life, what would it be?

Tina Barrett's bicycle seat. What's the craziest thing you'd want to do but you're too afraid to do it? Make love to a beautiful woman. If you had a dragon, what would you name it? Jeremy. Who was your favourite cartoon character?

Probably Shaggy and Scooby-Doo. They're such a good duo together. How many stamps do I need to send a mail from New York to Lincoln, Nebraska? Over 9,000. Can you tell me what colour a mirror is? No. What would look better in a pink

suit? A cantaloupe or a watermelon? Aren't they basically the same thing? Do you prefer cheese in chunks or slices? Slices. What is the colour of your underwear whilst you're recording this Yogpod? Um, black and grey. Who would win in a tag team battle, Superman and Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris and Wolverine? Chuck Norris and Wolverine. Who is your favourite philosopher? Patrick Stewart. In which ways do you position your hands on the

steering wheel when you drive? 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock. If you could meet anyone from the distant past, who would it be? It would be Charles I riding on a T-Rex, carrying the recently dead

body of Jesus H. Christ in his arms. Right. What is the most gangster thing you've ever done? I once gave a black person a high five. What is your favourite ice cream? Chocolate. Do you like Harry Potter so far? I can't actually have a proper opinion of Harry Potter so far? I can't actually have a proper opinion of Harry Potter

because I haven't read any of the books or watched any of the movies, but it just doesn't particularly interest me at all whatsoever. A 31-year-old man shouldn't be an avid fan of Harry Potter because that just isn't right. What would you do if the North Pole melted? Um, I would cry. Aren't humans 11-dimensional beings? No, they're not.

Do you have any role models? Patrick Stewart! Do you ever get bored of all the flattering emails and comments you receive From listeners to the Yoggpod Never I never get bored Have you ever broken anything Or had a serious accident

Broken any of your bones I mean Oh right So I was just thinking I broke a nail clipper Yesterday I'm not sure if that counted Oh my god were you trying to cut your nails at the time? No, I was trying to break my way out of a door. I got locked in the living room and there isn't actually a doorknob. So the door was closed. I didn't see a door handle and I thought, oh okay, so it's

obviously pushed to open. I pushed it and of course it goes further in and i had to somehow try and pull it open so i tried getting some nail clippers to like pop the little knobble out of the washroom to call it so the door would open okay let's just gloss over that and move on So the door closed and there was no handle on one side. I don't understand. Why do people say the alarm went off when it just came on? Because it went off as in it let off or emitted a noise. If you could invent something, anything at all what would it be? What would it be called? It would be a device that cleans toilets You know that there's like those robots

that go along the carpet so it just happily shuffles along, bounces into things and just keeps going Have you seen Wall-E? Little robotic vacuum cleaners. Yes. Yes. Kind of like that.

A Wall-E, but one that cleans your toilet. And it'll be called... Poo-E. That is the thing you want to invent. I want to invent Pooey What is the scariest thing you've ever seen?

I once saw a man eat his own head What's your favourite Pokemon? The one that is a cross between A turtle's head and a pinko boat. Do you get hate mail?

I don't know, do we? Do we get hate mail? No, not really. If you discovered a planet, what would it be called? Dave. If you could be any mythical creature, what would it be? I would be A centaur

I wouldn't be a centaur at all That would be horrible You'd withdraw that It would be awful wouldn't it I mean just imagine You want to like sit down Have a cup of tea You can't really sit down Because you've got sit down, have a cup of tea.

You can't really sit down because you've got the arse of a horse. But I guess it would be kind of cool to be a centaur because if you needed to have a shit or something, you could just do it in the street and people would love it and they'd come along with a shovel and they'd pick up your shit just to throw it on their roses later on. They are hungry for shit in these parts. What would be your least favourite way to die? I would hate to be eaten by piranhas

that have had their teeth removed. So they're just, like, gobbling at you with their horrible gummy lips. But they keep doing it that eventually your skin falls off and then your flesh starts dissolving. So it would take days for you to die. And, you know, your skin and flesh slowly falling apart. Wow. If God could give you anything you wanted, what would it be? Pooey.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? I'm not sure I know what a Klondike bar is. If everyone in the world was going to die, which three people would you save? The Queen, of course. Of course. I mean, let's be honest, right? If you ask any man that, what they should say is just three of the most beautiful women in the world. Because that way, you have to restart civilisation by repeatedly banging those three beautiful women for eternity. So let's choose them then.

We'd have the Queen. It would probably be the three girls that I saw last night taking their clothes off. They're as good as any. What did you do last night? I went to a burlesque club in London town. The Boom Boom Club. I went to a burlesque club in London town. Mm-hmm. The Boom Boom Club. Did these...

They don't, like, totally strip off, though, do they? Don't they just, like, go down to undies? Well, they have things covering their nipples, like tassels or pasties, I think they're called. Pasties? Pasties. like tassels or pasties I think they're called pasties pasties not Cornish pasties it's fun it's all good fun stop clicking

I wore a bowler hat myself I thought I'd dressed apart it's the only it's the only effort I made did you actually wear a bowler hat? I did, yes God

It looks a bit like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons What would a badger sound like if it was being mauled by hundreds of tiny caterpillars? Would you rather live in Germany or France? Ooh, that's a hard question. Probably Germany,

because there's not as many French people in Germany than there is in France. How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a Tootsie Pop? As many as it takes. Would you rather be eaten by a panda with rabies or your closest friend? A panda with rabies. When you're at a movie theatre,

which armrest is yours? I don't know, really. It's a bit odd, isn't it? You know that there's some poor person who doesn't have any armrests because the person on their left has got the right one and the person on the right has got the left one.

So they're just kind of sat there with their arms squished together. Who rules the most? Obama for swatting the fly, or George Bush for dodging the shoes? The shoe dodging was pretty impressive, but I really wish he'd been hit by them. How long has your hair been at its longest? Probably about three and a half feet. What's the weirdest thing you've ever done in public? Sorry, I yawned in the middle of that question. The weirdest thing I've ever done in public?

Urinated? That's not really weird, though, is it? I guess it's weird if you're like at the theatre. I once walked down Chelmsford High Street dressed as a worm from Worms the video game.

Were you doing it for fun? Was it for charity? Were you singing the Worms music as you were doing it? No. What's your favourite gross food? What's your favourite really gross food? Oh, I guess my toenails. I like eating my toenails.

That is gross. That is, shut up. Quite gross. If you could be a household object, what would you be? Tina Barrett's exercise bicycle seat. What's the best Your Mama joke you can come up with? Oh, God. Oh.

Yo Mama is so fat that when a warlock summons her, he has to use two shit. That doesn't work because they removed the fact that it takes a soul shard to shit. That doesn't work because they removed the fact that it takes a soul shard to summon someone. Now you just have like a stone that you put down. Wow.

Wow, that's brilliant. Sedated joke now. Okay, your mum are so fat that an epic ground dated joke now. Okay, your mum are so fat that an epic ground mount that she

rides only travels at 60% speed. Not 100%. Well... Even with Crusader Aurora. So your two your mama jokes

are both related to World of Warcraft. That's nice. Yes. What would you do if you were a woman? I would lock myself away somewhere

and just play with myself. To be honest that is just a normal day for me anyway. So there's no real change there. How tall are you?

Five nine or something. Last question. How much interest would you have made if you took the current price of a one ounce postage stamp, subtracted the number of tyres that come with a car, add one, divide by two, multiply by a hundred and invest that money in a CD that pays 5% over one year? to multiply by 100 and invest that money in a CD that pays 5% over

one year. That's the sound of the badger. What was that? That's the one, yeah. Oh, God. Well, there we are. That's all the questions that we've had

from that. Amazing. Let's go through some of the other things. all the questions that we've had from that. Amazing. Let's go through some of the other things, just the little comments that we've had from your pod listeners. So we haven't done it for a while and they've sort of built up. So do the intro.

Letters from the Yognos. Nods, nods, nods, nods. Okay. This one's from Raxix. And he says, love the show. So I'm just re-watching the podcast and my mum is in the room talking to me. She asked what this is and I said it was just radio, obviously not wanting to explain the show.

So I tell her it's the radio. to explain the show, so I tell her it's the radio. The Dragon Quiz episode is on, and Honeydew says, I would put my testicles in her mouth. Very loudly. Thanks.

Colon, close bracket. Now my mum thinks much less of me. Thank you. That's pretty good. I love that. That's a good story story i'm glad that he told us about that so yeah so in arena news unrelated arena news there's another level 80 death on our battle group called zephos and he's now higher rated than i am not awesome um So that's one of the Yoggpod fans overtaking me there. Also, there's

some guys who've named their arena teams after us and stuff. This guy contacted me Bright Longsword saying they had called their arena team the Spackers.

The Spackers. So props there. I want to see more of this. I want to see a bit like how Leroy leaked everywhere. I want to see people of this. I want to see... A bit like how Leroy leaked everywhere. I want to see people called Tina Barrett, Dave Yogg now. I want to see that stuff everywhere. Get on with it, people.

God, yes. Okay, this guy is called Krasmonster. And he says, Hi, Honeydew. Hello. Yogg's cast is fucking badass. Five exclamation marks. Hey, Krasmonster here.

Just wondering how old you guys are and what you do for a living. Because in the last episode, you said... Zephyr said that he went to university for chemistry. Thanks, guys. Love you. I'm 31 years old, which I'm sure to most people who listen, that is just... That's about how old your mothers are, probably. So if your mothers are single,

please just Oh my god. And I am a journalist. Okay, next question. Hang on, you didn't... This one is from LLs L and L Pandas L. Sorry, it's from who? I need your help, please read.

It's from who? Please say again who? L Owls L and L Pandas L. It just blows the mind, doesn't it? Dear Lewis, I've run into an issue with which i need your help with basically i ran into this girl on the internet and want her to meet up and have sex this is not a joke good god but there is a problem my mum won't take me on the two-hour drive to see her so basically you need to pretend to be my friend's dad and say like oh yes we're going to the natural history museum it will be great then my mum will take me drop me outside it and then i can go to her house

success that's it's a little bit disturbing i'm not entirely sure we should have anything to do with this you hear all sorts of stories, don't you? So basically, because you sound like an old man, they need you to ring up his mum, who may well... This may well lead to something, Simon. And pretend that you're a friend

of his dad. In order for him to get hooked up. It's like getting a mate at school to sign a sick note or something saying oh sorry it's like paying a bum outside an off license to buy you some four pack of skull yeah that's probably more accurate analogy yeah okay so what would i what would i have to say for this i think i need some kind of script. It's alright, don't worry. We're not going to do it. If he wants to send

in a script, then... If you want to send in a script and a phone number to ring, we'll do it. Oh Jesus, we don't want to have to phone... Oh God. We'll do it on Skype. That's a bad idea. This one is from someone called

Ms. Horny4U with a four instead of a number four. It's eighth year. I love you guys. Dear Lois and Simon, I love you guys. Your Yogpods and Yogscast are amazing. You guys are so funny. I love Simon. He makes me feel orgasmic.

I love his laugh. When he laughs, I start rubbing myself because it is so sexy I can't help it I would give anything to meet him and I thank God made him choose he name honeydew for a reason like he is dripping with honey

arrow three can you please ask him if we can meet up one night and if he can fill me up with his honey? Arrow 333. I love hairy men, they make me feel weak, and I, like I have to submit, love Brooke.

What do you say to that? Wow. I mean, the thing is, with the name Brooke, it's like she's in America, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think there are many English the name Brooke, it's like she's in America, isn't it? Yeah. I don't think there are many English people called Brooke, no. This one's from MugsAFC07.

Hello there. I'd like to put in a complaint to the peoples of the Yogpod, because when I have my iPod earphone in too long, it hurts my ears, And you made me listen to your Yodpod for a long time because it's funny. And now my ears hurt. Well, my answer to Dan is you should get some in-ear headphones. Because to be honest,

the iPod earphones that you get, the white ones, are just the most uncomfortable things ever. Aren't they, Simon? Yes. Do you own an iPod? I don't actually have an iPod. Okay, they are very uncomfortable. P.S. I would gladly TP Tina Barrett's house if she lived near me. What does that mean?

It means you throw, like, toilet paper all over it. So, like, the toilet roll unfills. So you get, like, kind like a streamer of toilet paper. Wow. Okay, we should do that. That's what people do in America. The other thing is lastly, I guess lastly,

we want to get people to vote for us on Podcast Alley, don't we? Which is tinyurl.com slash vote for Yogpod. If we get enough, I think, what did we say? If we get 100 votes in a month, we'll put Hannah's bikini pictures on YouTube. For the month of August...

Did she agree to this? Kind of. For the month of August, if we received 50 votes, then she would post a holiday picture. Anyway, do that. That would be great. The other thing is is we want to do some more podcast related videos on youtube so i want to find out what people think their best bits of the yog pod are

i know we haven't done that many episodes but because we haven't got hosting for the older ones it'll be good to sort something out where we can put some of the best bits you know on YouTube as videos or something and what I was kind of thinking is that people could either do an MS Paint of their favorite bits or maybe if you just let us know what your favorite bits are or if you're any good at animation as well, get in contact with us, and we'll sort something out, because it might be cool to have some of that stuff on YouTube.

I would love to see an animation of us chatting away merrily, getting up to all sorts of adventures and scrapes. I think that would be amazing. What do you want people to Envisage you as

If you were a cartoon character What kind of cartoon character would you like to be Shaggy from Scooby Doo No no Fat Shaggy And who would I be then You'd be Scooby Doo Who would Lamadia be

I don't think we can rip off all this crap. Scrappy-Doo. We can't. She'd be Daphne. Hannah would be Daphne. We can't rip off

Scooby-Doo. I'm just not saying you should be a literal cartoon character. I'm just saying, like, start again. Wipe all thoughts of Scooby-Doo

out of your mind. Okay. If you had to make, if there was, because remember I did that horrible little animation for our original Yorgon promo. It was a good animation. You did alright actually

with that. I just sort of used... tried to use the faces that were on our wow. But we'd really like us to have sort of different characters I think. I can imagine you as being sort of an old man in a wizard hat kind of thing.

Why would I be in a wizard hat if I was a paladin? No, we don't have to be anything related to WoW, man. Just forget about WoW. Forget about Scooby-Doo. Okay. I'm just trying to pick... I mean, how, if an animator had to draw you, how would you want him to draw you?

What would be the best way to draw you? I would have the body of Atlas. Fucking hell. Just think of a fat Ricky Gervais. Right, that's Simon. You wanted me to give an answer. Wow, well great. That's brilliant.

What about everyone else in the Yoggpon team? Can you please describe us as well, so people know what to animate? Or draw when they MSP? Christ. Well, I think part of the fun is that they would draw how they imagine people. Ah, yeah, that's better. So, from how people sound from their voices, if you haven't seen a picture of them, you kind of get an impression of what they might look like. And of course the reality can break your heart, utterly shock and appall you, make you want to cry. Like the first time you saw Chris Moyles.

Yeah, yeah, that was pretty bad. So yeah, that'll be good. Yeah, that was pretty bad. So yeah, that'll be good. People, seriously, so I want drawings, people who can animate to contact us, and also just fans to message what their favourite bits are, and we'll chop those out and make a sort of best bits video. That's the idea, anyway.

Oh, we have to make sure that we thank the people who donated. Oh, yeah. So actually the people who donated oh yeah so actually some people have donated yes we've had a couple of donations from a gentleman by the name of Rasmus which is very generous of him that's helped to pay towards our

hosting he's donated how much? very good of him I don't think we need to get into specific details but you know it was a nice donation, thank you very much thank you very much this one called Juha from Finland has also donated

so thank you very much Juha, apologies if I've horribly mispronounced your name as well is there any way when people make a Paypal payment they can like send you messages or something is there any is that possible can they like add a little note it is possible but i haven't actually set it up so they can do that right well that's excellent

so what are we gonna do we can just say hi to them? Or, right, fine. Just, hi guys. Yeah, we say, you know, thanks. Thanks a lot. You guys are awesome. There we are. I mean, isn't that enough? Yeah, that's fine. The other thing, last time I checked, the Yoggfoot League, Hannah was number one in the league, which is kind of embarrassing.

It's like 20 guys, 24 guys. Hannah's pink ladies. She's at number one. I'm not sure she'll be there much longer. I think I'm fifth, but I might have dropped down. I'm not sure. Anyway, that's all going all right.

We'll talk about that a bit more maybe later. Yeah. Yoey, are you here? Hello. Joey, I need you to do me a favour. Can you end the Yogpod by saying goodbye to the listeners of the Yogpod? Goodbye. Joey, are you on some sort of major downer or something? No.

You alright? I said like a normal goodbye. That was miserable. It sounded like you were like fucking depressed. Try to do it a bit more cheerful. Goodbye. Could you like elaborate? Not just goodbye.

What do you mean you want me to say a goodbye? Like, goodbye, Yorkport fans, and I hope to, like, you see, you hope you're listening again. Something like that. That's great, thanks. You're not gonna use that one. Yeah, I am. What's wrong with that? No.

What's wrong with that? Do you want to do another one? Uh, yeah, it's fine. Just take it. You think it's fine? Whatever. It was fine, it was fine.