Triforce! - YoGPoD 25: Chess Boxing and Other New Years Party Games

Episode Date: January 8, 2010

Simon and Lewis welcome you into the new decade with a lovely scrummy podcast. Featuring an extended Letters From The Yognauts section with plenty of your terrible e-mails. We love you all!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. What's that fucking, oh, I forget what it's called. There's like a sport in which you play a game of chess and then you have a round of boxing and then you play chess again. Then you have another round of boxing. That sounds amazing. Oh, it's called chess boxing. Hybrid sport combines boxing with chess in alternating rounds.

Look it up on Wikipedia. Chess boxing. This is so stupid. This is so stupid. Competitors may win by a knockout, achieving checkmate. A four-minute chess round, three minutes of boxing.

That's how it works, with a minute break between. So if either of them wins on any... It seems to me to be terribly stupid though. Because surely as you beat each other up more and more you're going to get worse at chess. No. No. I think it works the other way round.

As you start beating your opponent in the strategy game of chess their morale drops and so when you're boxing them it's on youtube world oh my god it's on got 73,000 views. How's it not got millions? Oh, this looks really slick, actually. That's in my comment. It's got like really slick intro and graphics. What other sort of games do you think like, complete opposites, could they combine into like a hybrid sport?

Rape Skittles. You want something incredibly nerdy and intellectual mixed with something incredibly violent and physical. Clay pigeon shooting and Scrabble. So Scrabble works, but you have to have something

bad. Countdown combined with rugby. Something bad. Combined with rugby. Rape. Rape countdown. It's just rape anything. Rape Scrabble. Hello and welcome to... Yorkport This is the Yorkport

Yorkport Yorkport Yorkport Yorkport This is the Yorkport Letters from the Yoggno. Can you hear the creaking of my headset? I think you might be ruining the effect.

It doesn't sound very good. It sounds like clicking. Thoughts? Okay, here we go go here's a question it's one question from Harry Shuffley hello Harry do you have an easy way

to provide for my GCSE oh you're here hi Harry hello what does he want help with sorry sorry

he's sending us an email about his GCSEs in June so he's obviously sending the email to us very early in advance because he knows how long it takes

to produce the average job. I've tried loads of ways to revise but haven't really been able to keep any answers in my head. There we are, Simon. How did you revise for your exams? Did you have any good advice? Okay. My tip is you should

do what the guy in Memento did and just tattoo the answers all over your body so that way you can never forget. Even if you've got anti-gradle amnesia, you'll still be able to remember what date William the Conqueror killed Prince Harold of Chutney. You'll remember all the dates,

all those important places and times and facts. You know, just tattoo every inch of your body with information. Unfortunately, on the day of the exam, you're going to have to go into the exam hall wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos so that you can actually read all the tattoos. Wouldn't you be disqualified, though?

I would have thought that would have disqualified you. Because you remember, you weren't allowed to write answers on your arms and stuff, were you? In ballpoint pen. That's the same thing. No, but that wasn't a tattoo. You can say it's your religion that you have to tattoo your life story on your body. I suppose you could tattoo it all really small.

Obviously, the Battle of Hastings was very important to me. Ah, that's true. That could work. Like a micro-dot. Yeah. Do you remember those? Like spy movies used to have a micro-dot. Yeah, with loads and loads of information in it. It's like in the dot of the I

in a message, there would be a secret message. You know, the actual message would be something really, really boring like Chinese Jaffa Cake resupply information. And in the I of the information. You'd probably say, don't forget to dot the I's.

It would be like a secret. And in the cross of the T, it would say, all cross the T's.'d probably say, don't forget to dot the I's. It would be like a six. And in the cross of the T, it'll say, all cross the T's. I don't know. I think the cheating thing is a bit too dodgy. Because in exams these days, you're not even allowed to bring in those pencil cases that have times tables and stuff on them. Well, we weren't back in my day.

You had to have a transparent pencil case. So they're pretty tight on those sort of things. I'm thinking of more like Derren Brown style tricks to like input stuff into your

brain, you know, remember stuff. Have you got any of those? I think something like a mnemonic, you know, coming up with mnemonics to help you

remember things. So you have little songs and little rhymes. With your own ones. Yeah, you make your own up so that you can remember them and make them about you so as you go into the exam and you're thinking oh god you know what date was the battle of hastings and you'll remember it because you'll have like a song to do with the battle of hastings derren brown's way of remembering things is really quite good what he does is you know about this don't you simon the deron brown way of memorizing like

series of words and stuff series is what he does is he like chooses things like for example your routine that you have when you get up in the morning because people tend to have a routine when they get with the morning they can draw it into their mind very close you know you get out of bed you look at your alarm clock is that so he doesn't forget to take a shit in the morning no no no no no but people have like he has a little mnemonic to help him remember what to do no listen okay darren darren brush your teeth darren have a poo darren eat some toast la la la la do no it's not remembering what to do in the morning when he gets up he sings when he gets up in the morning. It's like, so, for example, you have to remember, like, you know those games that you have where your mum, I played this when I was a kid, your mum brings out, like, a tray full of stuff, right?

And it's got, like, a button, some paprika, a whisk, a corkscrew, a hammer. Paprika? Paprika! In my house. There would never have been paprika in that house. A paper clip. Salt. A rolled up ball of paper. A packet of pork scratchings.

You know, all this stuff. And then you have to try and remember as much of it as you can within like a minute. Okay? And then she covers it up again and takes it away. And you have to write down as much as you can. like a minute, okay? And then she covers it up again and takes it away and you have to write down as much as you can, yeah? Do you remember those memory games?

Yeah. Theron Brown, the way he would do this is, right, he would, this is literally true, the way he would do, remember this, is he'd think of

his normal bedroom routine. So he'd wake up and the first thing he'd see on his pillow would be a packet of pork scratchings, okay? And then he'd turn over and his alarm clock would be on top of his alarm clock. What? There would be like a paper clip. Is he a goon? That's how he would remember it. What the fuck? He wakes up in the morning and there's pork scratchings

on his pillow. Right. And then he'd go into the bathroom and he'd take a shit. He looks down into the bowl and there's paprika. A little jar of paprika there. Yeah, right. Okay, you get the idea. So what you do is, when you're trying to recall this stuff, because you've associated it with stuff, you can look back at your little story that you've written in your head and you can think of it as, you know,

I roll over and there's the pork scratchings. Well, I hope that helps you Barry Harry even Harry Shuffley so

now you'll remember the pork scratchings and paprika I hope the exam that you've got is something to do with pork scratchings and paprika otherwise you're fucked do you remember any other I hope the exam that you've got is something to do with pork scratchings and paprika. Otherwise you're fucked.

Do you remember any other mnemonics from your childhood? I don't really remember. That's the funny fucking thing. I don't remember any mnemonics. Isn't that ironic? I remember one for remembering which way the compass goes round when I was a kid. It was naughty elephant squirt water. That's north uh east southwest naughty elephant oh so if people have mnemonics for stuff that you remember

um send them in we want to hear them because i think that would be pretty interesting right here's a long um message from from someone called cj tollins wow that's a long message from someone called CJ Tollins. Wow. That's a pretty cool name, isn't it? It is, isn't it? Hi, I'm CJ. Do you want to go home and I can fuck you? What do you say about that?

Yes, please, CJ. And now it turns out that he's like a 14 year old Massive nerd He plays WoW Right it says Dear Simon and Lewis I've been an avid fan of the Yodpod since the beginning But that is not why I'm writing to you today

I live in America And yesterday I had a surprise guest come to my house Living in America Sorry He had a surprise guest When my sister was young, she had this best friend who moved to England

and she was sad. And guess who arrives at my house yesterday? Yes, it was her. But it seems she brought her boyfriend. He was a man who draws Spider-Man comics for Marvel.

Oh! Oh my God. I was amazed at how laid back he was anyway throughout the night we were all relaxing and stuff and we decided to go to mcdonald's for a burger during the ride i decided what the heck and started to ask him questions about jaffa cakes jammy dodgers tina barrett and all that stuff since being from america i haven't had a chance to experience any of it firsthand. Oh my god. He laughed and told me all about them.

So basically, we're teaching Americans all that they know about England. It's just from us. They're a single source of information about England. So this is a really odd situation. So what we've got is we've got a 14-year-old, probably, Yognor, sitting in the back of a car in America, being driven by, I guess, an English man who writes Spider-Man comics. Stan Lee.

Oh, Stan Lee. Yeah, the 55-year-old Spider-Man comics. He's a bit older than that. Who is the boyfriend of... Some teenage girl. Of his sister's friend. So the sister is in the back, and her friend,

another teenage girl who moved to England, is his girlfriend. The girl's probably thinking, oh god, listen to this kid, he's just going on about Jaffa Cakes and stupid shit. You know, this is why I moved to England, and I got myself a mature man

who drew comics for a living. Okay, maybe not that mature. Did he have a question for us, or is he just bragging that he's met someone? At that moment, in the car, I played the yog pod over the car speakers, and we spent the rest of the ride laughing our

asses off. Well, me and him did. The two girls in the back looked like they were dying of plague oh god that's what happens when this is a warning we should have it at the start of all of the podcast warning warning this podcast can give girls the plague oh dear we don't want to be that terrible news. If any girls have got the plague... If you're a girl... And you've got the plague... Stop listening now.

Just stop listening right now if you're a girl. We don't want you to catch the plague. It's very contagious. So... If you think you may have the plague, seek medical attention immediately. Megatil. Drink lots of water.

Shut up. Okay. Okay. Jeff Jarzina sends a message. He continues This is the part of the email where I ask you a really dumb question. What is your favourite spoon? No.

He's not asked any questions. What does he say? He says, the reason for my email is this. I recently watched your video on Arthur's Baby and now I have it lodged in my head. I don't think anybody else has noticed that I keep mumbling the lyrics to myself. He's got a crush.

Do me a favour. He's got a crush on Hannah. Do me a favour and do not reply to this email since this is an open work business email which I probably shouldn't be using. Huh? So if I reply to him, will it just go to his help desk at work?

There should be a way that you can email everyone in his department all at once. Say, hello, I hope you realise an employee of yours is listening to podcasts at work instead of selling insurance to old ladies scone insurance pink wafer insurance

in case they like trip over as they're coming out of the kitchen with a tray of pink wafers they trip over and they fall on the floor and the pink wafers go everywhere where are they going to get new pink wafers. They trip over and they fall on the floor and the pink wafers go everywhere. Where are they going to get new pink wafers from? That's why they need pink wafer insurance.

Those really dry biscuits that are like... You can only eat about two of them before your mouth totally dries. They are so dry, aren't they? Jesus. I think they're made out of sand. Sand.

Tom Nicholson. I am Dave! Hello Dave. Salute. Thank you Dave. My friend recently came back from the Xmas break at uni and we had a brilliant idea to make a Yogpod drinking game.

This would involve listening to every Yogpod in a row with a couple of friends with typical drinking game rules. I was wondering Oh god. Or whenever anyone says, brilliant, take a drink. I do realise by the time you read this email, my friend will probably have gone back to uni, so the whole thing is a bit pointless. Amazing. Amazing. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Hello. So, I mean, what additional rules do you think we should come up with, possibly? Every time we mention Jaffa Cake, you have to eat a Jaffa Cake. Oh, God, but you can't go over the... Every time you eat a Jaffa Cake, you have to eat another Jaffa Cake. Hold on, hold on, this is becoming dangerous.

It's not so much a drinking game, it's just sitting down, listening to a podcast and just scoffing a whole load of Jaffa Cakes. That's it, really. That's a good one. What was that game that I played one time? Oh, for fuck's sake. Let me guess, you have to sit upside down

with two spoons balanced on the backs of your knees and you have to sing the national anthem and the first person to fall over and say Oh Geronimo! loses because that's the stupid kind of fucking game you play.

It's like, you know, definitely I play it with people called you know, Rollo and Jenny and they have like a Land Rover. Tarquin and Felicity the Felchers that's Rover. Tarquin and Felicity. The Felchers. That's their surname.

Tarquin Felcher married a Felicity fuckface. It's a bit less subtle. But I think it still works in the theme. Okay. There's another question for Hannah. You ready, Hannah? It's from Tyler Williams.

Okay. In Alabama, US. I would like some advice for Lamadia. See, people call you Lamadia. They don't quite understand. I don't know why that is, but a lot of people do. Can't they just call me Lom? Isn't it just easier?

My girlfriend has sent nude pics of herself to another man via text message. See, Hannah, this is the sort of thing that's now equivalent to, like, second base. Back when we were young, you know, first base was, like, kissing. Second base was, like, put your hand down their pants. No, no, no, no, no, no. You got it wrong.

God. What? This explains a lot, Lewis. A bit forward. Sorry, sorry. Well, don't take my my advice Anyway, the point is that this is now This is now the equivalent Oh, was it hand up the jumper? Sorry, the cardigan Second base is now sending nude pictures Of yourself to someone else's boyfriend

You know, or whatever Sexting, it's called Is it? A hip new thing So if any yoghurt Rece receive naked pictures of their 14-year-old girlfriend, please don't email them to lockscast.gmail.com. We will be arrested and have to go in prison for ages. You'll be arrested because I think that's...

It's like your name on that email account. Oh, yeah, you'll be arrested. We'll report you to the internet police. When I confronted her about these texts, she denied it. I confronted her again and she confessed.

She said sorry tons of times and swears to never do it again. Should I forgive her? I really care for her but I've never been in a situation like this. So his girlfriend was sending pictures of herself? Yes, herself, not him. She hasn't been sending naked pictures of her boyfriend to her other ex-boyfriend or whatever. No, she's...

Why would she be doing that? Why is she sending naked pictures of herself to an ex-boyfriend? I don't think she's an ex-boyfriend. It's just a random man. No, hang on. It's not her ex. It's just another random man. So, hang on. It's not her ex. It's just another random man. So, Hannah, what would you do in this situation

if your boyfriend was taking pictures of his knob and sending them to... Another girl. How would you react? The thing is, I've known this to go both ways. You go both ways? No, I have known this situation to go both ways no i have no situation to go both ways you could you could forgive her um or you could just say fuck off um i would suggest forgiving her and seeing how it goes for a week or

two um is that what she's like really sorry she sounds kind of kinky she does doesn't i mean she sounds like the kind of person who Is fun to be going out with For at least you know your teenage years Is she actually putting out That's an important question But I would assume so if she's sending Nudie pics to other people

She sounds like the kind of quite sexual Girl This is just a little bit creepy isn't it I mean how old are these people Hang on I've got the solution I've got the solution Take some naked pictures of yourself And send them to one of her girlfriends

No To her mother What you want to do is You want to write your girlfriend's name On your willy, take a picture of it, and then send it to her mother. Try and put a bit of lipstick on the end of your knob as well. Oh, my God.

Write it on your lipstick. God. Well, there you go. That's brilliant advice. Great advice. Make sure you follow that advice. Can possibly fail jimmy sandell has sent us a message saying i thought i learned you some swedish so here it comes feel free to use these words in your show does he actually show how to pronounce any of these words? No This doesn't really make any sense

He's just put a load of things He's put a column of words Under the heading Swedish And a column of words under the heading English But under the Swedish column It says Slut And then in the English column

It says end Now I don't know whether that means that... So he's like teaching us words in Swedish that sound like swear words in English but actually mean real words. At the end of a Swedish movie at the end of a Swedish movie you know like French films

it says fin at the end of a Swedish movie, it says slut. Yeah, end. Right? That must be what it is. So, apparently, the English word... Swedish word for edge, like the edge of something, is kant. Oh, my goodness.

It's awfully close to the rudest word possible. The English word union... Union, like the British... The English word union. Union. Union like the British. The union of Britain. Great Britain and the Commonwealth. Is um. Fack. F-A-C-K.

You unioning edge. You unioning edge. Um. The union is facket. Speed, you know, speed, is fart.

Oh dear. Entrance, entrance, is infart. Yeah, yeah. The Swedish word for pee is kiss. I'm not sure this is true.

This can't be true, can it? Kiss is the Swedish word for pee. I'm just going for kiss. I just googled the phrase Swedish kiss. Sounds a bit odd to me. Har. Har.

What the fuck is that? Pronounced whore. Kiss. Sounds a bit odd to me. Haar. What the fuck is that? Pronounced whore. Haar. Apparently means... Oh. Hair. Yeah, I should have just said whore, shouldn't I? But spelled...

Hair on your head. In Sweden they call it whore. Yeah. Yeah. So now we've learned some Swedish, Simon. Can you remember any of this Swedish lesson? Wow. Hedge. Well done.

Good. Which means yes, doesn't it? Hedge. No, it means hey. Oh. Hey. Hello. You're answering my question. Oh, there we are. Thanks, Jimmy, for that Swedish lesson. Yeah. for that. Yeah, thanks a lot. That's a Swedish lesson there. It's 2010.

It's a new century. No, decade. It's a new decade. I like how you actually pronounce the year correctly. You don't say 2010. You just say 2010. Which is how you're supposed to do it yeah i think a lot of people are going to be saying 2010 for a while but it'll catch on like 2010 the other thing which we've heard a lot about recently is what people want to call the last decade because a lot of people are saying they don't want to call it the noughties whereas i mean

that's the only thing you can call it really isn't it the noughts it just seems a little bit insipid it's a little bit silly isn't it other people want to call it like the 20 hundreds i just think that sounds so stupid it's the 1900s you, it's just not catchy at all. I mean, if you were making a pop album, a classic pop album, right? It's like classic hits of the 80s, classic hits of the 90s. It can't be classic hits of the 20-0s. It can't be that.

It cannot be that. But what's this fucking decade going to be called? People are saying it's going to be called the teenies. The fucking teenies. I don't think it could be called the teenies Well that's what people were saying about the noughties They were like oh there's no way It's not going to catch on

But nobody came up with anything better So it stuck It's not really the teenies though is it Because that doesn't include the first three years The eleven teen 2011 teen 2010 teen 2011 teenies 2012 teen The 11-teen 2011-teen 2010-teen 11-teenies

2012-teen It's got to be the tens The tenies The teners We have to add fucking, you know, ease at the end It's the tenies It'll be followed by the twenties Ease

I don't know. Fuck me. This is too difficult. I can't. This is too big for one man to solve. Happy New Year, everyone. Yeah, Happy New Year. We started off with a massive rant from Lewis. It's a typical start to the year.

There we go. Did you hear? This is topical news here, right? This is important, relevant news. In England, we've had an awful lot of snow over Christmas and New Year. And we have... God, that was a bit distracting. We have...

There was a New Year's Eve party that took place in a pub, which is apparently the highest pub in the country. So it's on top of the, like, the highest point... Well, where there's a pub. So it's up on top of some fucking hill, where it's been snowing heavily. Oh shit, it's um... Hello. Welcome back. Right, so resume the story.

Um... We just got kicked from Mulch's Vent. That's the, uh... So where the fuck were we? So yeah, these cross-country runner guys from Leeds Uni went up to this pub on the top of a hill for New Year's Eve. They got snowed in for two days,

with snow drifts up to seven feet tall. Good Lord. So they were completely... All the roads were impassable. Some people joined them who got stranded in their cars up there as well. So, I don't know if they had enough beer and pork scratchings to survive for two days.

I'm not sure what happened. Can you imagine only eating small packets of mini cheddars and drinking fosters for like two days? That's kind of what people do at New Year. They buy loads of party food. They have a bit of a party.

And they have to eat the leftovers for the next two days. So it's not that atypical, really. It must be mental, though. The thing is, we've got some of these pubs around where I live in the countryside. It's like pubs that you have to walk to to access.

You can't drive to them. And that's sort of, to me, it's quite astonishing that these pubs actually do business, you know, when the only way you can reach them is by having a half an hour walk. So I can totally appreciate that this pub does exist somewhere in, you know, the fields of Northumbria or somewhere. These poor guys getting stuck in...

I mean, it's a little bit like a zombie apocalypse scenario, isn't it? You're saying it's like Shaun of the Dead. That's basically what you're getting. Yeah, yeah. They're stranded in the pub, surrounded by zombies. Except it's not zombies, it's snow. Seven foot snow, Geoff? Which isn't quite as threatening, is it? I mean, is that totally

insurmountable then? Yeah, I wouldn't fancy walking through a seven foot tall snowdrift. No. Not even with those shoes that have tennis rackets strapped to the bottom of them. I wouldn't even try it in those. No. Well, you'd probably be alright.

I don't think you'd sink through. These things do compact usually fairly well at least from my experience going skiing i found that you know large amounts of snow isn't you don't just sort of get sucked up in it you know so you like your skiing you're used to the snow you love it instead of going on holiday to a beach you go on holiday to where it snows where the weather's shitty and you're like oh this is lovely mmm i love being cold let me put another jumper on oh this is the way to relax you know what though sometimes you can't have coziness simon you can't have that feeling of lovely warmth and being cozy if you don't have a little bit of cold to begin with you know like for example if you know it's it's really cold in a room and you snuggle up in

your bed and you're all warm and it's like really oh it feels so nice but you can't have that if it wasn't cold if it was always you know mild weather you'd never have that pleasure so what you're saying is there can't really be light without the dark. Exactly. And in the same way, as you know, you can't enjoy a really nice tasting steak if that's the only thing you eat.

You have to eat some baked beans occasionally to make the fillet steak taste delicious. Man cannot live on Jaffa cakes alone Exactly You have to space them out You know You have to have them on a special occasion

You can't just continually stuff your face with Jaffas You have to ration yourself to Like just one packet per day Yeah You can't like have a packet for every meal Because that's just too much So what did you You have to just have the twelve

Get up to Space them out throughout the day like have one an hour oh it's one o'clock jaffa cake time oh it's two o'clock jaffa cake time you have like a special alarm that goes off every hour to remind you it's jaffa time it's jaffa o'clock uh so what did you get up to at New Year man? you were in a pub weren't you as well? but you weren't sleeping I went to a little pub in Putney

where it was £5 to get in which isn't a lot of money really and for that £5 there was a buffet which I didn't eat anything from there were lovely barmaids in tight little nurses' outfits which I didn't nibble on.

And there were jelly shots which I may have partook of. Jelly shots? I don't really know what they are. It's like vodka. Vodka jelly. So you've got like a little shot of vodka in jelly form. It's amazing. Have you've got like a little shot of vodka in jelly form.

It's amazing. Have you never had a vodka jelly before? I've never had vodka jelly shots, no. I think I've missed out on that. Oh my god. Yeah, I was at my friend's house in Oxford and there was about 11 of us. So we were sitting around playing games like Balderd's Dash, have you ever played that? Chess boxing?

No, no, no, no, no. Playing chess boxing? Pictionary rape? We were playing a little bit of Pictionary, but we were playing an alternative version of Pictionary, right? And what you had to do was, you had a team of two people, and one of them looked at a picture of something so say for example like a pie okay and then they have to put a blindfold on and tell someone else how to draw a pie so the other people want and and the drawer have to guess it

um without using the word pie or or any pie related like crust. You can't say anything like that. So you have to say, draw a round flat cylinder and then draw a crenellation around the top of the cylinder edge. What's a crenellation? I don't understand.

How do I draw that? That's the kind of thing we're talking about. They just end up with a perfect watercolour of a Jaffa Cake. Is this it? Is this close enough? So that was quite fun, because it's quite a fun game. And we did a lot of, you know, fairly entertaining games like that. There's a couple of other games that my friend George has, which are sort sort of like physical games so one of them is um

you get like a broom okay like a long broomstick okay and you hold on to it uh each end with your hand so you hold it out in front of you and what you have to do is you have to keep holding onto this broomstick with both hands your left hand and your right hand. And you need to put it... The whole night. That's the game. No, the idea is to put it around your whole body. Okay? So you step over it while you're still holding onto it, and then you twist it round so it's back in front of your body again. Oh, God.

And it's really difficult to do. You have to, like, twist your body really awkwardly. And some people can do it, some people can't. So that's one which we have the other one is what you do is you get

these are sort of drinky games I guess in a way where did she get that game from I don't know was there a book games with brooms

yeah it's like scouting games you know like that kind of games dangerous games for boys or something scouting for boys yeah that sort of thing

the other one is you get like a cereal packet like a packet of Coco for boys or something. Scouting for boys. Yeah, that sort of thing. The other one is you get a cereal packet, like a packet of Coco Pops or something. Other cereals are available. And you put it on the floor and people have to take it in turns to go down, like bend down to the

Coco Pops packet and pick it up with their teeth. And every time someone picks it up with their teeth. Okay. And every time someone picks it up, they can rip off like an inch off the packet. Okay. So it gets shorter and shorter. So people are like trying to pick it up off the floor with only their teeth. And, you know, different people have different strategies on how to do it.

Like you can do the splits or you know, that's quite fun game. This is so weird this is so strange just people 11 people sat round sitting around in a living room in Oxford sitting around

just picking up a box of cereal with their mouth that is so odd why don't you give everyone a little box of cereal with their mouth. Yeah, yeah. That's just... That is so odd. And then... Why don't you give everyone a little box of cereal? Like the variety pack thing. Just everyone can have one of those.

And they can eat it. They can have like a bowl and some milk. There's another game. What's it called? I can't remember what it's called. I can't remember what any of these things are called. But this one you get like

a pack of cards. And the cards have on them things like elbow to elbow um knee to nose ear to shoulder whatever right ass to ass some of them would be like that and what you do is you have your team so you and your partner have to trap the card between those two. So if it says elbow to elbow, you have to trap the card between your elbows, and then you pick up another card. And you have to, like, contort your body. Jesus Christ! What was the theme for this New Year's party?

Was it, like, the 1800s? What the fuck? What do you mean, what the fuck? We played some gramophone records, we got out the hoop and a stick we caught a ball in a cup a few times the ball in the cup game is fantastic oh my god just you try it i guess it beats you know being sat in front of the telly watching jules holland his hooter nanny oh my god yeah that's so terrible

why that's the only thing he's famous for he's still doing it we checked before we went out and it was on I checked as well

I thought is he still doing this and he was like man I mean that's the only thing he's possibly even like known for anymore

I guess he was known for something before he started doing it he did the tune but he's done it every year since which is like a music show

because he's a musician he plays the piano and stuff he's quite an accomplished jazz musician

do you play any instruments I play the lute I lute perps oh did your

did your did your parents make you play any instruments when you were younger like Like, the flute or anything? No, no. I asked, I wanted to get like a keyboard for my birthday or something many years ago and they just wouldn't get me one. Aww. I don't think they liked noise very much.

Aww. They didn't want me playing anything. They gagged me a few times. Threw me in the cellar. They wouldn't let me make any noise. Well, maybe one day, Simon, we'll be able to get you a keyboard in your childhood dream. Everyone had to speak in the quietest whisper

in the house. If we ever had guests around, they weren't allowed to speak. I mean, not even't allowed to speak. Or... I mean, not even shout. No way. Everyone had to speak in the lowest, quietest whisper.

Could I have another cup of tea and a java cake, please? Shh! It's like being in a library. Really? That sounds terrible, man. Did you go home at Christmas as well? Was it like that when you went home? It was, yeah.

Just had to sit in silence and watch Buster Keaton on TV. Because it's silent. Did you play like a gramophone record as well? No, it was too much noise. Oh, sorry. Of course. The scratching of the needle is too loud Why is that? Do they have headaches or something?

We've got a dog at home And they had to remove its bark How was that operation before? Had to have an operation Yeah, at the vet And they took out its bark This horse Br rasp of hot air comes out of his mouth when he's excited it's like it's like that instead of barking

let's look at a wheezy old man that's such an odd thing to have this silent house god no but for me like my dad's slightly going deaf and my my gran's a bit deaf so it's sort of always at high volume you know every conversation is held above normal volume if i put like earplugs in the conversation is normal you know god it's like the exact opposite to my house maybe if we like combined the two it would be it'd be chaos our parents meeting for the first time simon what would that be like they'd probably like end up being swingers and just cop off with each other and we'd be stepbrothers what what i've seen a picture of your dad, and he's quite a handsome man.

So, it would be like that time you met my uncle, and I was like, and you said, what did you say? What did you say when you met my uncle? What did I say? I made a really funny voice, didn't I? I did a funny voice, and I kept talking in it to embarrass you. Hello. Like that. Hello.

Yeah. And he said he doesn't normally talk like that Simon doesn't normally talk like that Do you Simon Do your normal voice Simon Do your normal voice I went This is my normal voice

Hello Like that Yeah I remember that very well And you were just so embarrassed Oh god That was terrible That was very very embarrassing

You were bright red Oh I'm remembering it now Good god Simon Your uncle loved it though He didn't think it was weird So anyway that's all we've got Time for this week Oh okay

Letters from the Yoggnaughts Please send us your stuff. Yoggscast at gmail.com Yoggscast at gmail.com Send us your idiotic questions. Maybe someone's got an interesting anecdote

about meeting the Queen and having tea with her. Or maybe a friend of yours is choked to death on a Jaffa cake and you had to give them the kiss of life or maybe

you're Tina Barrett and you've got nothing better to do than download podcasts from the internet because your singing career is in the toilet we want to hear from you. Points at you. Salute. You.

Yognauts. I'm still pointing. Point. Point you. There we go. You can use that. That's good. Yeah.

Definitely. Okay. I think that's it. We're all yogged out. So, thank you for listening, and see you next time. Goodbye, everyone. Thanks for listening.

Farewell. Goodbye. Take care now. Careful. Careful, that bus is coming. Get out of the way. Come on, move back a bit. That's it.

Watch yourself. Do you think anyone's actually died listening to the Yoggpod? Well, we wouldn't know about it, would we? Yeah, they've... They're listening to their iPod. Well, yeah, I mean, I guess they wouldn't email in. Angry from Cheltenham.

I'm writing in to complain about your podcast. I was listening to it whilst waiting for the bus and I accidentally stepped in front of it and died. I'm most disappointed. Well, Angry from Cheltenham. I'm sorry to hear about that. I hope you get well soon. I hope so too. I think that would be brilliant. Good.

Good. Farewell Your majesty Saying bye again We've already said bye We need to sort of check in How's she doing Oh god I don't think she's been well

I think her majesty Her madge She likes to be called Her Madge with the Vag She's had swine flu recently So yeah she's been a bit sick She's been coughing and spluttering And vomiting

And she's had a bit of diarrhoea Oh good lord As well It's been terrible Terrible If you walk into Buckingham Palace And she had a bit of diarrhoea as well. It's been terrible. Terrible. If you walk into Buckingham Palace, it smells like a fucking abattoir. Oh, for Christ's sake.

That was a bit too blue. I'm sorry. How do you think we're doing with the swearing? We haven't been doing too badly. I don't think we've been swearing that much. Oh, I did say fuckface earlier. That might be... Yeah.