Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 395- Orphan (2009)

Starting point is 00:00:00 I'm going to tell them about. Ugh! Alan. You want to tell them about what you texted me today, your realization? What was my realization? About what this month is turning out to be so far? This month, I believe I called it, upsetting parents, rock block? I shall not let this go on the entire month of September.

Starting point is 00:00:33 I shan't. I was like, oh, maybe we could do Stepdad? No. I'm not doing an upsetting parent's month. I can't do it. I just can't do it. At least these parents are just neglectful. I. They they they they they they not. I. I. I. I. I. I they they they they they they they are not. I. I. I they are. I they are. I they are not. I they are not. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. I to. I to. I to. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I to. I to. I to to to to. I to to to to the. the. the. tho. thooooooooooooooooooooooooes. toe. toe. to to to to to to to to to to to it. At least these parents are just neglectful. I do not know what they are. I do not know. Also, do I like Peter Sarsgard?

Starting point is 00:00:51 I don't know. Yeah, he's not a Scarsgard. No, he's a Sarsgard. Yeah, but I did for a long time think he was a Scarsgard. Yeah. It turns out I really like Vera Farmisha? Do you know? When she's not with, what's his face? Patrick Wilson, yeah. When she gets to fly on her own, I'm a fan.

Starting point is 00:01:09 Did you like her in this? I did. I thought she was much better than she was in those movies. Yes. But this movie is so shitty. I feel like I've only ever seen attractive in this movie. Yeah, she's good looking. Yeah. She's a good looking lady. Good looking lady. Oh boy, what are we talking about?

Starting point is 00:01:28 What movie are we talking about, Katie? Who picked this? You wish? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh, we are talking about the 2009 film, or perhaps already prequel. I to The prequel is out now. Okay, great. My first note is, I like that the trailer says, you'll never guess her secret.

Starting point is 00:01:47 I know the secret trailer and I haven't seen the movie yet. Did you know the secret? Okay. See, I was kind of shocked by it and I thought, boy, that's a dumb secret. This film was put up by Dark Castle, before Bloom House was Bloom House. That, yeah, the mid to late 2000s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we start off with a bang of Viroformita being pregnant. Right. Kate.

Starting point is 00:02:11 Kat. Ah, Russian orphan. Adult. Adulter. Spoilers. So fucking dumb. Okay, buckle in. This movie is so profoundly upsetting in some ways that we'll get to you, but yeah, that, woof. So, she's going up to the reception area in the hospital, nurses station maybe?

Starting point is 00:02:36 I don't know what you want to call it. I'm the call a nurse station, yeah. They're like, oh, is this your first? And she's like, oh, why are you going to adopt later? You already already to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to? Oh, to? Oh, to, to, to, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo? Woe, woo? Oh, woo? Oh, woo? Oh, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe, woe? Oh, woe? Oh, woe? Oh, tho? Oh, tho? Oh, tho? Oh, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, woo? Woe? Woe? Woo? Oh, woo? Oh, woo? Oh, woo? Ohthird. I was like, oh, why are you going to adopt later? You already got two. Wait, why are you what now? Why are you going to adopt later? You already got two. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:02:50 Well, her reasons are very selfish. So the nurse starts slow walking her to the OR. So slow. Wherever you get to go into the OR, because she starts pouring blood's the one. They don't, not generally. But she's got to go into the O.R. because she starts pouring blood on the floor. Yeah, the nurse slowly walking through the blood is really something. Yeah, yeah. And that's when she's bleeding so much I go, oh, this must be a dream. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:03:14 This whole nightmare child birth, So she's on the operating table where her husband is the doctor and also her husband filming her giving birth. And we realize it's a dream because the lights keep going, wow. I like that effect though. That sort of like raining effect. Yeah. Yeah. But it was a nice way of saying, yeah, it's not real guys.

Starting point is 00:03:40 Just relax. Then they hinder the baby covered in blood. And wrapped head to to tow in a the the the the the the the the tow tow tow tow tow tow tow tow tow tow tow tow tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, the tow, the tow, the their tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, their the the the the the the the the the the the the the the birth, the the the the birth, the the tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, tow, their tow, to, to, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, to, to, to, to, just relax. Then they hand her the baby covered in blood. And wrapped head to toe in a tow in a tow. Yeah. So which I have the note, oh, you got birth to a tow baby? Yeah. Maybe that's why it was a problematic birthday and a baby wrapped up in a towel inside you. And then she wakes up. She does. She does. And she looks in the mirror. to the th. She looks, she looks, she looks, she's, she's, she's, and she's, and she's, and she's, and she's, and she's, and she's, the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the the the the the th. Oh, th. Oh, you, you're, you're, th. Oh, you're, you're. Oh, you're. Oh, you're. Oh, you're. Oh, you're. Oh, you're th. Oh, th. Oh, oh, oh, oh, a thing? Yeah, generally that's only done in modern days in like serious emergencies where it's like get that baby out. We literally can't wait three minutes. Yeah. So that's a thing had I known that information I would have been more like, oh. Yeah, that means that something went into serious distress and there was an emergency. Gotcha.

Starting point is 00:04:16 My note about this bathroom is fucking hate. Yeah. It's thi that's that's that's a that's a that's that's that's fucking that's fucking that's fucking that's fucking that's fucking that's fucking that's fucking. that's a that's a that's fucking. that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's. that's a that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's a that's a that's a thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiauu. thiau. thiau. thiau. thiau. that's a that's that's that's that's too thin mirrors that barely overlap in the bathroom so like above your sink. Yeah. So you don't get like full head and body view when you're in the sink. Odd. Yeah. Which of course her husband's standing behind her because of course he is. I don't remember if it's here or later but I think it's later. Yeah. And then we see her talking to her therapist about her dreams and her therapist is thera therapists is like theraa, I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I thia is like I don't is like I thia. I thia. I thia. I don't thia. I don't thia. I don't thia. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi. I don't thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi thi. I thi. I thi. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I thi. I thi. I thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. theeeeeeateeat theeat theeeeeat theeeat theat theeeeee. So thi. So thi. So thi see her talking to her therapist about her dreams and her therapist is like, I don't know, maybe you're just sad or something, who cares, anyway, you piece of shit? Her therapist is explaining it to her in like the most childlike terms where she's like, yes, dreams can be a manifestation of your feelings.

Starting point is 00:04:57 No shit did you get a doctorate for this? And then Kate says, we're seeing kids for the first time this weekend, like their house shopping. I don't like the way she says it. I don't like the way any of this adoption chit goes down because the whole thing feels like they're buying a used car. Yes and the message of this film is don't adopt older children, which is an extremely fucked message.

Starting point is 00:05:21 Like it's offensive. Don't adopt older children that will and will not have a Russian accent depending on what scene it's in. Yes, although I did think she was very good. She is the girl, yeah. Yeah. And she was like 13 when she filmed this movie. Oh, I think she was even younger than that. Really? Yeah. She's born in 97 and this is 11 or 12. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. thi is also when. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. the. th. the. th. th. th. o, because she's talking about going, no, you didn't like that? I feel like you're channeling her husband on that one. She's talking about driving past a liquor store and wanting to buy a bottle of wine and not doing it. I like that she, she's like, I drove by the wine store. The wine store. When she goes later she's like th,this dirt-ass liquor store. She's also expressing that she has second thoughts about adopting a child. And it's like that don't fucking adopt a child if you have

Starting point is 00:06:13 second thoughts about it. Come on! Yeah. And also why are sad women always pianists? Or are all pianists sad women? Which is it? Well, well, according to the ha ta tax is to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to? Well, according to Hollywood, the answer is yes. I'll tell you what, my talk to text was having a hard time with me saying pianist. I kept just writing penis. And then I thought to myself, I gotta work penis in more often. Just like, that guy's a penis. I feel like a good way to swear or not swear. Yeah. You're acting like a real real real real real real real real real real real. That just feels like a precocious child. Yeah, you're right. All right, I've abandoned the idea already. Katie, you want to get me to love a character? You make it a sweet, sweet little

Starting point is 00:06:57 girl who's also deaf. I'm gonna love that character forever. That child is adorable. Also her mother's just yelling at her from behind and I was like, does that work? Nope! Nope. And also it reminded me I really want to learn sign language. Yeah, there's a lot of classes you could take around here to get them. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like it would just be an easy thing, not an easy thing, but a good thing to do. Because there's a lot of instances't know what we're saying. Yeah. And we'll put out the worst podcast ever. You thought our last Patreon episode was bad. They did not. So mom's composing.

Starting point is 00:07:33 Oh, their house is very nice. It's beautiful by the way. I think he's like an architect or something. Yeah, because she said something about his designs. And she was rich. Yes. Because if their th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi thi thi tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho tho th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You th. You're thou. th. th. th. th. thou. th. th. thou. th. th. thou. th. th. th. th. designs. And she was formerly teaching at Harvard. Yes, so she was rich. Yes. Yes, because if you teach at Harvard, you're rich. Yeah, is that what goes? But Max is shooting hoops and it's bothering her.

Starting point is 00:07:52 And I was like, oh, is that child playing? You have a hard time with that child playing? Also, I would kill a man, I can't even shit by myself. Did I tell you about how she's been standing outside the bathroom door chanting, no privacy, no dignity? No privacy, no dignity. It's pretty radd. Yeah. Yeah. Who taught her that?

Starting point is 00:08:18 Well, I was in there once and she just busted and I was like, no privacy, no dignity! And now she just has adopted it like a- Yeah, like a protester. No privacy, no dignity! Whose streets? Our streets? Whose potty? It's my fucking potty.

Starting point is 00:08:36 Wipe your ass, let's get this started. Anyway. Also when we see things from Max's perspective, they do the sound dropout before the Quiet Place did it, but they still play a score, which is a... I feel like this is one of those movies where the score's like, I'm just going to do all the heavy lifting. I got this guys. Yeah, it really does. So bro and dad come home and they're all playing basketball together as a family. He's a regular dad. He's he he's he. And she's like, ha ha, I love family. Yeah, let's add to it.

Starting point is 00:09:09 And they want a girl child and a girl child only because we're told that the lost baby was a girl that they were going to name Jessica. And they have a fucking book for Max called, uh, something like I am glad my little sister went to heaven. Which is fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's. But it, but it, but it's, but it's, but it's, but it's, but it's, but it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th. th. th. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. tha. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's also like, oh boy. Also, just note for people making things. Yeah. Baby Jessica was a very famous baby. Yeah, baby Jessica was a very famous baby.

Starting point is 00:09:35 She lived, to be fair. Oh, Missy told me a fact about baby Jessica. She grew up to be Jessica Chastain. What? That's not that's that's not that's not that's not that's not that's that's not that's that's not that's that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's not that's that's thi. to be that's to be to be to be to be told me me me me. told me. to be to be to be told me. told me. told me. told me. told me. told me. told me. told me. told me. told me told me to be to be to be to be to be to be to be to be thi. Yeah. Yeah. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. to that's th. to to to to to to th. to to to to to to thi. to thi. thi. thi. thi Jessica Chastain. What? That's not true. No, it's not, but Missy tried to convince me what it was. That's not right. How did she ever, did she get you at any point? No, because she goes, she grew up to be Jessica Chastain. But she can't lie. It's great.

Starting point is 00:09:58 Yeah, so yes, a girl child and a girl child only. Yeah, because she wants to give the love that she didn't give to her dead baby, to a living baby. She says, I want to take the love that we felt for Jessica and give it to someone who really needs it, which is fucked. Because one, so obviously a replacement child. Yes. And two, like, that's about you. It's not about the child. You're framing it like it's about the child,

Starting point is 00:10:26 but it's about you. It's about you having a hole from this and needing to fill it. And that's the wrong reason. I think, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I didn't, I've never adopted a child. No, I had so many thoughts about this because like, I. Oh, I can't even stomach the thought. I will never have children and it gives me nightmares. Yeah. So it's just seem, and like, and that gearing up and then it not happening must just be fucking unreal. Unreal, yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:56 But then like this movie handles it in a way then, all thiii. All the mike, I'm gonna make th and I'm gonna, th and I'm gonna, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, and then, thi, thi, and it's, and it's, and it, and it's, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi... thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi, thi, thi. And, thi, talk all this shit Just like I'm gonna make sure this movie does not take it seriously And I don't know why it feels like that because her grief is palpable right? So why do we think it's not like why are we I don't know it's just so There's just something about the interaction between the the the lead parents yeah and then the fucking cede of this movie that's? Yeah, and the f-fuel the the the th, th, the the th, the th, the th, the th, the th, th, th, the the th, th, th, the the the th, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the, the, the, the, the, the, the the, the, the the, the, the the the the the th, the th, the th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th th th th th the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th movie that's... And then just the do, the second chance child, you know? Spoiler alert, the fact that the conceit is so stupid made me like it that much more. Okay. Because I was like, you know, this is mad, dumb, and I'm into the fact that this got made as a movie. I also don't love that they go to like a child open house. Is that how they, is how they, they, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is how, is they, is what it felt like, right? Like they were going to-

Starting point is 00:11:45 It was the mattresses they had to offload. It's just like bump in, they're like, yeah, we have a party where people come and meet the kids. I mean, maybe that is how they do it with older children. I really don't know. But is it just like, yeah, I'll think that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, that one, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, tho, thi, tho, tho, tho, tho, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the yard and he goes, look at that snow orphan. Sir? I did not notice that? Maybe I misheard, which is entirely possible. I wish he had adopted the snow orphan. What a joke to me. And the rest of the movie was just them slowly watching it die. Oh, like the snowman. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Heartbreaker. So he goes upstairs and has a meat cute with a child. First of all, I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did th. I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did not, I did not, I did not I did not I did not I did not I did not I did I did I did, I did, I did I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I the. I did, I the the s. I the s. I the s. I the s. I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did, I did the s. I did not, I did not, I did not, I did not, I did not the s. I did not, I did not, I did not, I did not, I did not the s. Oh, I did not, I did not, I did meat coot with a, meet cute with a child.

Starting point is 00:12:26 First of all, this is a school for like a school for girls. Yeah, it's an orphanage. He just walks away and is just leering around the upstairs of this house for girls. I don't like that one fucking bit. Yeah. And she's like, hey, how are you? I forgot. I'm Russian. Yeah. Where is Esther from? She says nobody ever talktalked to me before. I guess I'm different. You're like, what? It's okay to be different? How is the child never pulled the scam before? How long has she been there for without pulling the scam on parents? Well, as we learn later, she's pulled it a ton of times.

Starting point is 00:12:59 But she has been, it's my impression from CCH Pounder, Sister Abigail. CCH Pounder. First of all, best name. There will never, the best there is, the best there was a best there ever will be. Second of all, she has strong buckflower energy. She shows up in a movie, you're like, this movie just got better. Better. C.C.H. Pounder. the sister Abigail. My impression from her is that Esther has been there a while. Right. So how would this like very bright well-mannered mature child not have been adopted prior? Why did she choose them? Why aren't the

Starting point is 00:13:33 nuns taking her to a dentist? Yeah. Oh, because she has a... Oh, got it. Got it. Nones are not... It's such a dumb, it's such a... Oh, got it. It's such a dumb, it's such a dumb conceit. Nones are not known for letting you say no, I don't want to do that. That's true. Oh yeah, I refer to their house as a modernist monstrosity when they arrive back with her. And Danny looks like a little punk.

Starting point is 00:14:02 You're a little surly when you're watching this one. Yeah. I also got mad that they gave her a room with a fish tank in it, because I just felt like I don't know that I would like to sleep in a room with lots of fish. Blacklight fish tank? Like you need it for the black light, I guess. But like, sleeping in a have a fish tank. Can we get a black light in that room? Right, it's dumb. It's dumb. And also when they meet Esther she's like, you know you can only hard-boil an

Starting point is 00:14:34 egg once. Chickens never roost twice in the same basket. She's like spitting this like country wisdom out of them. They're like oh man I love it so much. Thank you. Thank you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you. you. you. you. they to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to th. the to to to to to to to th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. the. to to to to to to to to to me me to to me to to to me theeea. I thea. I the. Esther, you're so smart. I think you're gonna be our new baby. We'll take this one, we're gonna kick the tires, take it outside, ride around for a little bit, see what it does. They're like, can we get a receipt for the tax deduction? Do you get a big adoption credit? Oh, she's not feeling this. Oh, she's. and they're giving her all these gifts, which is really sweet. Oh yeah, make her feel lough. Make it feel live. Uh, Daniel is not feeling this?

Starting point is 00:15:06 No. And Peter Sarsgard is treating him like he's very, very boring. Which is true because all kids are boring. 100%. But, flip side, you know your son's going to struggle with this shit. Also make this day about him. Yeah. Make it about all your kids. Make them the family you want to have all together. No, they treat Danny like shit. I got so excited because he's like, come on, guys, let's stop playing guitar hero and go out to the fucking porn hut. To the death tree house. They have to climb not one but two ladders. Let's get up to the tree house. When I saw the death tree house. When the the the the tree. tree. th. th. tree house. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. th. the. the th. the. the. the. their their their their tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. try. try. the the the the the the they. they. they. try. try. try. try. try. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree. tree house I was like it's a good son which I was so certain we had covered on this podcast no never searched through our old episodes yeah no we've never discussed it because that's a movie I absolutely love yeah we

Starting point is 00:15:52 we should we really should I'm gonna spoil the ending of it in this episode okay so if you guys don't want to hear it I'll give you I'll give you a a little snap McCulloch can get sung by bees yeah I forgot to mention that a grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma grandma that I that I the the to the to the to the to the the to the to the the to the the to to to the to to to to to to to to the to to to the the to to the to to to to go go go go go go go go go go go go go go go I'm to go I'll to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the their I their I their I their I their I their I their their their their their. I their. I their. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I by bees. Yeah. I forgot to mention that grandma Barb is a fucking terrible actor. Oh she's a terrible actor and a real bitch. Just where it looks like your mother-in-law's a bitch. Oh so I was gonna say I was excited when they went out to the tree house of death. Yeah. Because they pull out a perfect 10 magazine. Yeah. And I was like that is such a specific porn reference. Okay. Short-I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's. It's. It's. It's th. It's like. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it looks. It's like, it looks. It's like, it looks. It's like, it looks. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, I's like, I's like, I's like, I th. It's like, I th. It's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. It's like, th. It's like, like, like, like, like, like, th. It's like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. It's like, like, like, th. It's like, All natural okay. No enhancements perfect ten well No wonder it was short-lived I suppose I just have a note that says perfect 10 classic classic

Starting point is 00:16:31 I wrote a note about how didn't we recently come up with a good name for porno magazines, but I have no idea No way to remember I don't know if you all are on the Reddit but you should because it's very fun, and I'd like to see more people interacting with it. It is fun. Somebody posted the other day, what was the episode where Alan's talked about standing and saluting while the National Anthem is playing and taking a shit? Someone else was like, odds polter guys, episode one, whatever. And then I went and listened to it, you're the one one, you're the one, the one, the one, the one, the one, th an to, th an to, to, th an to, th an th an to, th an th an th an tho, than, thin, thin, tho, tho, tho, tho, thin, thin, tho, tho, too, too, too, the a, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what is, what is, what is, what is, what is, what? i. the episode, what? What is, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? Oh, what? is. th. to. to, th. th. th. the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th the th the thooan, the the the the thoan, the the the thoan, was, was, was, the the the the the thooan. the. th th went and listened to it, you're the one who says that. Really? I said, yes, I always stand from the National Anthem. Luckily, it's never happened when I was in the bathroom, and you said, yes, then you'd be standing saluting and taking a shit.

Starting point is 00:17:12 That's great. And then you said it's the most depressing image we've ever painted on the podcast. See, they think up from that bug. Stick around at the end of this episode for a blooper real about me getting a praying mantis on me and what I just fucking did. I can't imagine how loud the mic drops could be. I'm so sorry. So we see all these things we find out she's Russian. We find out that our other family died in a fire. We find out that she's excited about that she's excited the the the th a th a th a th th th th th th we see all these things. We find out she's Russian. We find out that our other family died in a fire. We find out that she's excited about a piano.

Starting point is 00:17:51 Yes, she asks, she said she's always wanted to learn to play. Yeah. And Kate teaches her. And then, oh, the thing that drives Danny out of the house, Daniel out of the house, forgive me. I got too too th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th got th tho tho th. I got tho th. I got that that that th. that th. to to to to to th. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. too. to to to to to to to to to to to to too. too. too. too. too. too. too. th. too. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. too. too. the. too. too. too. the. toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. She's, too. She's, too. I thought it was Danny but okay. When she's thanking her the her new father for the gift she's hugging him and staring at Daniel like oh yeah. I'm hugging your dad. He's my dad now dog. Yeah I mean technically yes he is. Yes. We see Chekhov's diary because Vera Form Formicia is hiding her diary. Mm-hmm. And then she's sucking Peter Sarskardstick.

Starting point is 00:18:30 All right, because earlier she was not ready for sex, but after they adopted a child, she's ready for sex. It's just like this weird level of horniness that only adopting an orphan can give you. They say it's the greatest step for Duchy. Yeah, seriously, you get an orphaning, you just want to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to fuck to f Duchyac. I hate myself. You just want to fuck. I don't hate you at all. Yeah, she crawls up under the blanket and gives him a blow-away and his reaction is, Ah!

Starting point is 00:18:54 Is that not how one would react? It was like he was taking a dump. It was real weird. Yeah. And then, uh, suddenly... Esther wakes up like she got dick-dar. Yes, she's like, someone's touching a dick in this house, and it's not me. Because, by the way, she's 33.

Starting point is 00:19:13 Oh, God. She makes up Maxine, and they go into the parents' room. We are scared by Thunderstorm. I don't know why I'm making herself like Bjork. Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. Hang on kid, Daddy has a boner. He definitely puts his dick away while he's talking to his children. He's like laughing and putting his dick away.

Starting point is 00:19:33 Which is, I... That's a very real thing that I was gonna do, yeah. The way they handle sex in this movie is very realistic and I really appreciate it. Yeah. When they're fucking hum sex the the the thx yeah. Uh, they bump heads and I was like, oh yeah, that shit happens all the time. Oh, I don't know. I'm just kidding. That's a joke. I'm just saying, we can both acknowledge that we've had sex at some point in our lives. Oh, I'm a virgin. I'm a virgin. I just really love Jesus. Katie, I just want to have a to th. th. to to to to to to to to to to to tho to to to tho tho to tho to to to tho to thi thi thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that that that that that that that that that that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that shit, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that shit, that shit, that shit, that shit. that shit. that shit. that shit. that's, I'm that's, I'm that's, I'm that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that that that that thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, that's thi, that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's thi. that's that's that s sex with you right now. I really have to go. So Esther wants to wear like a pin of four to school. Why? I don't know. I want to fit in, but I want to look like little people.

Starting point is 00:20:13 I don't know. And so Kate is like, thrown. Kate is like, thrown wasn't anything wrong with being different. And Kate just looks at her with it. She's like, yeah, no, you're right. But she's looking at her with this look like I wouldn't have adopted you if I'd known you were going to be a weirdo. You know, I, ugh. Yuck. That little girl, when she walks in the class, goes, hold on. Hold on. A little bopepepe th th th th th th th th th th th th th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. th. Oh, thi. tho, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, th. Oh, tho. Oh, tho. to. to. to. to. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. my girl Brenda? Fucking Brenda. Fund Brenda.

Starting point is 00:20:45 Could you imagine an eight-year-old in 2009 being named Brenda? Your mom liked 9-0210. And fucking the orphan just gives her this look like, you will die first. Yes, she does. She does. So Daniel is outside shooting his paintball gun. That child seems young for a gun even in a baseball gun. Yes, a baby gun at the most.

Starting point is 00:21:11 Right. Which I killed a pigeon with when I was a child. Did you now? Very similar to this. I shot it, think he wouldn't do anything to the pigeon. And I had to kill the pigeon. You killed the pigeon. And I have never killed another animal. Bullshit, you just swung at that praying mantis. Nobody was uttering it off before you got a hold of it.

Starting point is 00:21:31 You grabbed my knife and went after you. Pick your pocket. I went to stab it. Look, don't fucking tou tough. Now, I feel like everything is tou-I We're so squirrelly right now. I'm so sorry. Oh my God, no, it's my fault. So Daniel shoots a pigeon with his high-powered paintball gun that he has. I mean, really, yeah. And he wounds it and it's going to die.

Starting point is 00:21:54 Yeah, because of exactly that. That's why children shouldn't have a gun. For sure. With that's parental supervision. Parental supervision. And then Esther comes out and is like you have to put it out of its misery. With Maxine. She picks up a brick and kills it and everyone's like oh but like that's what you have to do. That's the right thing to do. She's from the mean streets of Estonia she knows what's what. Yeah it's such a like it's meant wildly, you know.

Starting point is 00:22:27 And at this point, I'm like, a little baby Maxine should not have to see any of this. A little baby. A little baby. A little baby. A little baby. A little baby. So the cut too, she's got take a shower and Vera Farmeja's just like, I want to be able to get to you in the bathroom. Yeah, because she's been locking the door. Yeah, she's like, no, but I will sing for you. Yeah. She's like, everybody, Wang Chung. She's just like, what does she say?

Starting point is 00:22:57 Very inappropriate for an 11 or whatever she's supposed to be. She's supposed to be nine. Nine. It's just very strange. It is. And then Vera's going through her drawers, finds her Bible. Yeah, I've been through her adopted child's stuff. I don't think that's appropriate. Oh, I would go through my child's everything. Would you really? Oh, yeah. You think I should go through Lucy's stuff? No. Don't be me? Don't be me. Don't be me. I. me me me me me me me. I. I. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. V. th. th. th. the. the. the. theeea. theea. the theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeea. V. Vira. the the thea Don't be me. All right. I'm not saying I'm the hero in this situation. Fair enough. I would be an awful helicopter parent. Do you think you would? Yeah, ask Missy sometime about me in the dog park and why I'm not allowed to go to the dog

Starting point is 00:23:34 park anymore. I'm just going to ask you why you're not allowed to go to the dog park. by your harness and tragging her. And I was like, hey, whose fucking dog is this? I started off at 60. Yeah. And it goes like, oh, yeah, that's my dog. She hates harnesses. And I was like, well, don't bring him to the fucking dog park. Yeah, we're dogs. We're harnesses, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:53 He's like, well, man. And I'm like, no, you don't, you, you, you, you, you, you, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's, that's, that's, that's, that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. that's my. the dog park. Yeah, well she hated it too. Probably she's getting dragged around. Anyway. Win-win. No, I'm the guy who's like, no, um, I'm coming out of the little league field. Oh boy. Speaking of making it all about you, Kate shows Esther, Jessica's like burial plaque, which the tombstone is all about her. She's like, I never knew you but I know you. I never saw you, I never saw you, I you. I you. I to to to to to to to to to to to to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to go to to to to to to to to to to the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th the the the theeeeeee- thoooooooo. I the. I the- I was the- I was like the. I was like the who's the guy the tombstone is all about her. She's like, I never knew you but I know you, I never saw you but I see you, I never heard you but I heard you. No, that's about you. I realize this person didn't have much of a personality, but like, come on dog. Sure. Just, yeah, again, I again, I do not know what it would be like to lose a child. It's my literal worst nightmare in the whole world. But in this movie, where you know bad things are going to happen based on this orphan? Because it's called Orphan and it's written in squiggly letters.

Starting point is 00:24:51 And because sometimes when she looks in the camera there's a music sting. Blocke. And she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, the, th, th, th, th, th, th, tha, tha, tha, tha, th-a, that, th be alive with us. Which is a fucking wild thing to stake your child's eternal soul on because like I don't know if you've ever had flower bushes die, I sure have. They sometimes just fucking die. Sometimes they get root rot. Sometimes they get a fungus. Sometimes they get a pungus. Sometimes they get a pung. You cannot know, madam, no. And I understand she's upset, but I just, the whole fucking movie makes me so upset.

Starting point is 00:25:25 Don't adopt this kid, just focus on the other two. Focus on the other two. Give them the love that you felt to the other tile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Seemingly you have a limited amount of love, so go ahead. It's like, the other two, so I gotta find another kid to give it to. Those kids are just enough loved. The one outside with a gun unsupervised, he's enough loved.

Starting point is 00:25:49 The deaf child that I scream out from behind. Yes. At one point also Esther's whispering in her ear. I was like, she's deaf! She got those hearing aids though, they're the help their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their mom and dad are getting frisky in the kitchen. It's actually pretty raunchy, I thought. It's very raunchy. Yeah. And but again it felt very real. Sure, yeah, it's not like, yeah. And I was like, oh man, that must be like, it's hard enough with like dogs and cats in the house. They can just look at you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've had a cat hop on my back. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the the the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It th. It th. It th. It th. It th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's the. It's to to to to to to to to to to toeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. It's the. It's the. It's had a cat hop on my back. Yeah, no, you don't want that to happen.

Starting point is 00:26:25 I close the door. What's wrong with you? Anyway. So Esther, you know, with her dick dar, peeps them out. Yes, someone's touching a dick again, so here she is. And she's just watching, she's just standing on the steps like, uh-huh. They see her, they stop. And when he tries to talk to her about it the next day, she's like, when my mom and daddy's really love each other, and Esther's like, I know, they fuck.

Starting point is 00:26:54 I'm 33. Yes, so, so here's what's happening here. Either she's completely let her guard down enough, or not her guard, her, her, dropped her disguise enough to say, I know they fuck, and still a Russian accent. Well, I guess she is Russian, never mind. Yes, yes. Or like, she thought that that would fly somehow?

Starting point is 00:27:16 I just don't understand the whole thing. So I think the thing is to make Kate feel like she's losing her mind. I see. And she's lost her grip on being a good parent. I see. Because she wants to eventually get Kate out of the picture. She is furious that she said this word. She's nine.

Starting point is 00:27:36 I say, like, I know I'm not the greatest parent in the world. I curse in front of my kid all the time. Sure. I don't think there are worse things than than than than tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha tha thin thin thin thin thin thin thin thin th time. Sure. I don't think it's that bad. Yeah. I think there are worse things than saying bad words. Yeah. Yeah. We also skipped over the part where the mean girl at school touches her collar. Yeah. And she's... Oh right. She wears a collar, a velvet rope, tie ribbon, tie ribbon, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I love that story. Yeah, that's not what happens. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the th. Yeah, th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. th. th stories to tell in the dark where she unties and her head falls off. Is that the green ribbon? Yeah, yeah yeah I love that story. That's not what happens though. Sort of. Yeah. Fair. When she shows her the roses, I was like there's no way this kid isn't ripping these roses out of the fucking ground like next scene. Of course she is. Oh so they're at the park and dad's talking to the

Starting point is 00:28:26 the neighbor lady who's like throwing him at dad. Pretty chilly to have your tits out like that. Dad fuck her already? Yes. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes. Or he's he's fucked around. I mean he's clearly cheated at something. Yeah. But he's like, because I think he has, because she's like, yeah, I was wondering if you would come over and help me move a chair. And he's like, yes, Kate and I would love to come over and help you move a chair. Definitely been a dolliance of some kind. Yeah, but also then he is just standing to smoke at a kids playground with kids playing nearby. Yeah, 2009 that would have been frowned upon.

Starting point is 00:29:07 It's frowned upon. So you're just like, fuck you, Peter Sarasgard, what are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did I say Scarceard? Yeah, I said, Scarceard. That's fine.

Starting point is 00:29:17 I just, they are inseparable in my mind. So what does Esther do to Brenda? Brenda, she's following Brenda around. Somehow Brenda is suddenly by yourself and the playground is very lonely. Why is Brenda freaked out like she's being stalked? It's just, yeah, it's just because she can't see Esther, I guess. Which she's acting like Michael Myers is after her. She's acting like Esther has been the one bullying her. Right, and that's not what happens. But Esther shoves are off the toppester off topops topops topops off to to to to to to toe off toe off toe off toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe toe too tooes tooes to Right, and that's not what happens. No. Esther shoves her off the top of a slide.

Starting point is 00:29:46 Also, if you're worried about getting hurt, don't go to the top of the slide. No, no, no, no. Esther shoves her off and she breaks her leg. Yeah. And I kind of felt like she deserved it. Like, at thio. the, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, th. th. th. the, the, the, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. te. te. to, to, toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. toea. to. toea. tea. tea. tea. I really am fine with it. What do you call those things at the playground? A slide?

Starting point is 00:30:08 No, no, no, like the structure that she's climber is like a play castle? What would you call that? A slide? No, no, there's like the whole thing that she's on. Uh, slide. The playground, I don't know, well, we'll call it a play castle. Play castle is really cute. I guess, I know, I think I know what you mean. I've heard people call them like big toys.

Starting point is 00:30:28 Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm sorry, it's a slide. Is there a slide up there? Is there a slide, though? Sure. That's like calling your car a tired of work. What? What? So they're at dinner. And Daniels yelling at Esther about not eating normal, but I also can't figure out what she's doing wrong? She's just cutting up her food? She's expertly cutting her food up. So she's good at eating. Yeah, yeah. That's great.

Starting point is 00:30:58 Why can't you eat like a weird kid like me? Why can't you just put your face on the plane? And he says she's not my fucking sister, so clearly these kids are cursing. Yeah, exactly. Maxine lies for Esther because she is idolizing her a bit when Esther when Esther prays, Maxine also mimics prayer. Yeah, she's doing a lot of mimicking of Esther. And I love that the felon's reaction to prayer is, huh? What? That's what I would do too, honestly? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? the? th? th? th? th? th? the what? th? th? th? th? th? the th? th? th? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? th. th. th. th. th. So? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th? the the the th? the th? th? th? th? th? the? the? the? the? the? the? the the the the th? the the th.? the th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thia? thia? thia? thia? thia? thia? thia? thia? th the family's reaction to prayers, huh? Yeah, what? That's what I would do to, honestly.

Starting point is 00:31:27 Who with the what now? And then also, you think about how fucking Kate's been in counseling all this time. Do you think she considered counseling for the children before they adopted a third child? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. Or family counseling? Where everyone can talk about this? Oh God, Kate, you're selfish bitch. You're a selfish bitch. Oh, what a new car, child, child, what did I say? Either one's fine. The mileage on these tour is getting a little high.

Starting point is 00:31:53 So dad puts a lock on the tree house and no more perfect ten for Daniel. Right, because he's been a dick. Being a little shit. Right. I do like what he's with his friends up there. He's like, check out page 34, you're going to lose your mind. Gross. Like he's a porn connoisseur.

Starting point is 00:32:10 He's a Somalia of porn. Oh, this says notes of horse blanket and titties. So this is where, uh, oh, they're in the grocery store. Mom gets a phone call from CH Powder, who's like telling her shit. And what? First, wait, first we find out that Esther's a piano prodigy. Oh, is that before? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:35 Yeah, yeah. Because he gets, she, she's like, you lied to me about not knowing how to play the piano. And she's like, thought you wanted to teach me I know you used to teach I thought you would make you happy yeah I also like that she was playing Chuckovsky yeah I'm like Russian appropriate nailed it there you go there you go and then she gets into a fight with Peter Saras guard about it right because he's bringing up how she put their child's life in danger because she was drinking right then this is where we learned th in th their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their. their. their their their. th. th. th. th. I was th. I was th. I was their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their thi. I was thi. I was their toy. I was toy. I was th. I was th. I was th. I was the. I was the. I was th. I was th., this is where we learned that Maxine fell into the little pond that they have. Yeah, and nearly drowned. And I was like, oh what is don't look now? What's happening now? Also the good son? Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yes. But CCH Bounder is like, I'm afraid I may have made a mistake.

Starting point is 00:33:25 I think there could be something wrong with Esther. Yeah. Yeah. But I love that Esther like employs Maxine and was like, okay, read your mom's lips and tell me what's just saying. Yes, that's very good. And I was like, this kid is a master spy. But also like this entire movie hinges on the fact. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. th. th. to. to, to, the the the the the the the the the the the the they. the they. the the the the the the the th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I'm. I. I'm. So, th. So, th. t. t. t. te. te. te. to. to. te. te. to. t. t. th. th. th. th. So, this entire movie hinges on the fact that Esther is present for every conversation that ever happens ever, because they never look to have a private conversation. You don't just talk in front of your kids like this. Why not?

Starting point is 00:33:54 I don't know. They're terrible. They really are. They really are. They're upsetting parents. Yeah. I also like that Esther ratted him out for Joyce Patterson. Yes, Joyce Patterson. He's definitely fucked Joyce Patterson. I haven't noticed this, he a cheater,

Starting point is 00:34:07 and he throws her alcoholism in her face. Damn. Yeah. There's no like compassion between the two of them. It's wild. And also, neither of them deserves it because they will suck. So Esther tells Maxine to find the key to to to to to to the to the to the the to the key to the key to to the key to the key to to the key to to the key to the key the key to the key toe the key tooom tooom tooom too find the key to the tree house. Right. Which she does. And then she does like a Russian roulette on her? Why?

Starting point is 00:34:30 Do you want to play a game? Why does she not keep Max on side? I don't know. I mean, she's Russian kids game. Yeah, Russian kid game. All right. She immediately. She's like, Maxine, she was already on board.

Starting point is 00:34:45 She was already on board. You didn't need to do this. And this is where the movie goes from being like creepy, if a bit stupid, to just downright trash, I think. Yeah. When she goes full-on bad, you're like, oh god. And I think this is around the first time that I have a note that's like, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, this this this this, th is like, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, thi, thi, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th. th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And th. And this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this is, this, th. And th. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi. And thi, th this movie this fucking long? Strong agree. Over two hours. Good sun does it in like 90 minutes. Yeah. Also, the amount of notes that I have in this movie. Ooh, what's your final number there? Are you in the two hundos? Yeah, 248.

Starting point is 00:35:12 Jesus Christ. 248 is this front house. And Ricky comes out to me with the beer. Listen to me. I had these hiccups that I could not get rid of. I tried all my tricks, all of them. And then I started to think about the movie also on Haunted Hill, the remake where the premise was that what would make a sane man madman thought well what would give me hiccups shotgunning a beer so I shotgun to beer and I saw the hiccups but I made the

Starting point is 00:35:48 rest of the movie a little draggy this is the movie because how like this not great this is where I shot shotgun wow I just wrote it myself a no time to shotgun a beer this movie this movie broke your logic mechanism this is when I started fantasizing about them on tying the ribbon in her head falling off. So they take her to Dr. Browning at this point? Well, they, this is, is that before she kills the nun?

Starting point is 00:36:16 Uh, CCH Pounder? Uh, yeah, no, it must be after. Is that your friend again? You're a thuno bitch, it's back. I'm gonna just stand over here. I'm fine standing. No! No!

Starting point is 00:36:31 No! Oh, God, no, I'm gonna get away from me. Why is it so fucking big? Go home. Go to your home. Ah! Ah! Ah! We're going to wrap this one up early. Anyway, it sucked.

Starting point is 00:36:50 Goodbye. I think it's gone now. I think it's gone. All right, all right, we've got to finish. I'm going to go. No, I hope yours is working. Hello? You see how it happens? Just drop it on the ground. Yeah, so yeah, you're right, she does kill CCH Pounder at this point.

Starting point is 00:37:09 So CCH Pounder has been in their home and has been talking to them about them not being able to find records of where she came from. And I thought she was gonna put all the cigarettes in her mouth like Daffy Duck and just light them all. I was so excited They don't call her C-stage not pounder It's true For Peters get heaters So Esther's thing to get the get the none to stop her car is to throw Maxine in front of the car. Yeah on an icy bridge. Jesus age Christ. Yeah, which causes her to wreck her car. Yeah, she crawls out out out out out out out out out. th. th. th. th. th. th. T th. They th. T th th th th out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out they th. They're th. They're th. They're th out th out the the the they don't the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their they their they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're they're their. They're th. They're th. They're tho. They don't tho. They don't to call. We don't call. They don't call. They don't call. They don't call. They don't call. They don't call. C. C. C. C. They don't their th. C. C. an icy bridge. Jesus age Christ. Yeah which causes her to wreck her car and she crawls out of the car and she's like max max and then

Starting point is 00:37:50 then she gets beaten death with a hammer. Sorry she gets hidden the head with a hammer dragged down a hill then beaten a death with the hammer. Right. Then she wraps the hammer in something in her dress in her dress and puts it in in the hammer in something. In her dress. In her dress and puts it in, um, in the porthole. In the pornhole. Yeah, in the pornhole. You say porn hub? Pornhub. Pornhub is coffired.

Starting point is 00:38:13 Pornhob is copyrighted. Pornhole is not. This episode brought to you by Pornhub. Our new game, pornhole. It's like cornhole, but you're throwing dicks into holes. Sorry, I'm a virgin. I don't get it. Somewhere Esther just woke up, what? So somehow Daniel finds out what has happened. And she threatens him.

Starting point is 00:38:40 She's like, I'll cut your hairless little prick off before you even figure out what it's for. And you're like, holy ghost. Yeah. Yeah. She goes to Dr. Browning, lies to Dr. Browning. And Dr. Browning says to Kate, your feelings of inadequacy as a mother. If my therapist said that to me outright, I'd fucking fire him. And she does, she does fire Dr. Browning. Listen you alcoholic piece of shit. Yes, yes. Meanwhile sister Abigail's car is just out on the road. No one finds

Starting point is 00:39:10 it no one runs the registration. It's 2009. Dad drives by the car. Yes he does. It's facing the wrong way on the road in a ditch on an icy bridge. Sister must stop for some fishing. Just stop for some ice fishing. Anyway. Oh my God. So Dad and Esther have a day together. Yeah. Because he's like, you don't have to go to the dentist.

Starting point is 00:39:36 Yeah. We want to stay here and play or whatever. But she's been making this art. This cool art that I wish I had in my black light weed cave. I did love the sanitarium on fire in dayglow paint. I thought that was wonderful. I mean, yes, but it's also just such a shitty way to show that she's like deep down bad, you know, she likes the fire. I mean, compared to the art that gets revealed on the wall later.

Starting point is 00:40:01 Oh, my god, she's talented. She's really really really really really really thi I I I I I I I I I I I I I I's thi I's thi I's th. I's th. I's thi thi thi thi thi thi. I's thi's thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. thi. thi. thi's thi's thi's thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thiiiiiiiiiiii. thiiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi., she's talented. She really is. I mean, she's 33, she's had time to practice. I don't know if I could do a full-blown painting of myself getting fingered on a wall. Sure. Never know till you try. Missy, let me get a wall. So she takes all the dead child flowers and gives them to mom. Yes, Peter Sarsgard says that, because oh my god, she has this line where she's like, it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own.

Starting point is 00:40:30 Yeah. That's a fucked up line to put in your movie. Yes. Yes. And he's like, oh, she loves you. Just, why don't you do something nice for her? You can prune a rosebush, right? They'll grow back. Yeah, yeah. It'll come back next season. I've got a rose bush that I've been trying to kill for 10 years now. Yeah, so it's just dead for now.

Starting point is 00:40:49 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That child, your child is still around. Also, I think if you cut flowers, generally you get more. You know, I mean. Yeah, I think that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that. What does Esther do? She puts her arm in a clamp and breaks it. Yeah. It was pretty good. And then puts the poking bone back down. Yeah. And I was like damn Esther, this is not the first time you've done this. I broke that bone in my arm and it was pokey like that. It was very upsetting. I'm good. It's very good. And she's biting on a screwdriver the whole time she's doing this. Like this child is wild. She is wild.

Starting point is 00:41:28 And this point I still thought she was a child. Again, the good son. So Kate runs to the bodega. Yeah, because the husband has yeah, you shook the child, her arms broken, you're, there's a... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:50 So she runs to this store, yeah, she's like, I'm having guests for dinner. Like anyone would ever ask, lady, what are you doing with two bottles of wine? I can assure you that as a woman who's bought in many bottles of wine. No one was it really like, hey, buddy, what, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th's, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi, the thi's thi's thi's thi, th. So, so th. So, so the the th. So, so the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the their their their their their their their their their their their their their they they they. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thi's thi's thi's thia' thia' thea' thoooooo. So, yeah, yeah, hey buddy, what do you do with that six pack of beer? You got five friends? You get a shotgun them all? Apparently I wrote, this is a fucked up thing to write to a recovering alcoholic drink, I'm doing it, feels good, man. Shit. I had a rough time in the second half of this movie, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:42:16 I like that. You thought you were writing that note directly that note directly that note directly that note directly that note directly that note directly that note that note that note that note that note that that that that I wrote, hey, you're the better for it, I guess. Well, see, you came around in the end. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so then next day at school, Esther puts the car in neutral, with Max still in the car, Roll Santa to Hill. Yeah, this poor good Samaritan guy who's chasing the car down so fast, he bites it so hard, and I laughed, like uncontrollably. I wanted there to be a Foley guy doing sound for this guy going oh oh oh oh blah blah

Starting point is 00:42:50 just making that Kelsey Grammar oh lord. I love that. So now there's a big issue because Max was almost killed right because also when Max when Max is rolling backwards, there's a guy he's pulling into the school parking lot, I don't know, 70. Yeah, you can't do that. There's kids everywhere. But she just runs backwards into a snowbank and is fine because she's got that five-point harness. Yeah, she's fine.

Starting point is 00:43:17 Like a NASCAR driver. And so now they're going to put Kate in rehab. Yes, he gives her a bottle of wine. He gives her an ultimate, which Esther has led them to. Did Esther show you that? Yeah, but whatever, shut up. Yeah. He read it and she read in her diary. She, um, they give her, he gives her an ultimatum of like go to rehab or I'm divorcing you and I'm taking the kids. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man, at some point Esther says I'll shoot mommy if you tell to Maxine. I was like, why are you doing this to Maxine? Poor. Sweet baby, Maxine. I also love that sester has mastered ASL. Yes, she does it so quickly. I also love that scene where she's just sitting there in an armchair like the godfather. She spins around. What?

Starting point is 00:44:06 Maxine has documented all of Esther's crimes in child drawings, which I fucking love. Yeah. Yeah. And Dan just like, no, we've got to tell mom and dad. Right. Meanwhile, somehow they find out that Esther had been at the Sarna Institute? I don't remember how. Because Kate finds her, it it it it the Bible, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it was, it, it, it was, it, it was, it, it, it, it was, it, it was, it, th, it, it's, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi, is, is, thi, thi, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tha? thi. thi, is, thi, that Esther had been at the Sarna Institute? I don't remember how. Because Kate finds her Bible.

Starting point is 00:44:28 That's right, it was in the Bible. Yeah, yeah. And she is talking to a man on the phone about it from Sarna. Yeah. And no one has a private conversation in this movie. Every word is overheard. The entire movie hinges on Esther hearing every word. Yeah. And the guys the guy the guy the guy they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they the. they they the. they tho. the. the. the. the. the. the. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi thi thi thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thi. thi. thi. thi. th word. Yeah. And the guy's like, oh no, this is not orphanage.

Starting point is 00:44:46 It's mental hospital. I wanted to see more of him. I wanted a little more of his story. I was interested in him. How do you have perfect English? Interesting. Yeah. Estonia, huh?

Starting point is 00:44:55 Lakeovich Schumann. Oh. So, Esther's going to burn the evidence that she, of the drawings that she got from Maxine, she's stolen the drawings and she's gonna burn her clothes with Daniel in the treehouse. She's gonna burn this child alive. Burn him to death. Yeah. Also, grandma's over because she's supposed to be helping Kate watch the kids. What the fuck is Grandma doing? Barbara? Barbra? Usel, how could they miss a fire that big in their backyard? It's huge. Uh, Katie, she was on the phone with Estonia.

Starting point is 00:45:30 Oh, true. In front of Grandma, too. Just go and close the door. Go with the shitter. The what? The shitter? The shitter? No dignity. You talk to Estodia in front of me. No prophecy, no dignity. Wow, you're a great protester. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:45:47 Oh yeah, I've been a lot. Always thinking up those rhymes. That's why it go. I don't care about the cause. So this is where Max turns on Esther. Yes. But I forget what she does. I think she like knocks her out of. tackles Esther, she's good because Esther is going to... Daniel has fallen from the treehouse and hurt his leg,

Starting point is 00:46:07 so Esther's gonna beat him to death at the rock. That's right, she's got to put him out of his misery. Max shoves her. Yeah, tackles her. And then Kate comes running down and just starts cradling him and it's like, please's got a serious neck injury. All right, bye. Like nothing, nothing is 12 seconds.

Starting point is 00:46:30 Get in, get out, thief in the night. We stop the adomitable bleeding. You're dumb if you think that's a problem. His neck is also real fucked up. No, they never say like to what extent. Is he paralyzed? paralyzed, is what's going on. They never, they don't ask a question, they're like, ah, serious neck injury. Anyway, we got this orphan we gotta do it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:46:49 Yeah. But there's also a seed where after they have that big fight and he kicks her out of the house and all that stuff, they show them sleeping in bed and I'm not sleeping in bed the bed with that non-trusted motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, really, really, yeah, yeah, really, really, yeah, yeah, really, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, thi really really really really really really really really, yeah, yeah, yeah, in the bed with that non-trusted motherfucker. Yeah, really? Yeah, it's a big house. You can find somewhere else. So Esther, of course, overhears that he's going to be fine. Of course she does. I'm so sorry.

Starting point is 00:47:13 She asks to go get a soda. Yeah. Even though, the grandmother's like, your mother said, you need to wait, and then, to, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, to, to, to, to, to, to, to, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to the the thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi., thi.a, thoooooooo. If your child is small enough for a five-point harness, a child is too small to walk around the hospital by themselves, I would not let my child Max's age out of my sight like that. What if you're shitty Barbara though? I mean am I a bitch? Did you think? Yeah, Yeah. Fucking Barbara. Yeah. So what does Esther do?

Starting point is 00:47:46 Esther goes and smothers Daniel into cardiac arrest because Max once again comes and saves the day. Yes. You think for a moment she's actually killed him which is very good. Yes. She's also taken his pulse meter off and put it on her own fingers. Yeah. And her heart rate is not going up as she's murdering someone, to,, I think, a nice little touch. Real psychopath.

Starting point is 00:48:05 Yeah. But I was also like, movie, Don't Kill a Kid? Let's not Kill a Kid. Let's not Kill a Kid. I just like Stakes. Yeah. Sure. Oh, for sure.

Starting point is 00:48:15 But I'm also like, don't kill the phone thrown. Mm-hmm. Lockscreen is a starry night. She taught at Harvard. She got that at Pier 1 imports that lock screen? She bought the poster in the college store. Yeah. So John. Oh, but he's not actually dead, by the way. He comes back. Yeah, yeah, he just had cardiac arrest. He's just a stupid cardiac arrest.

Starting point is 00:48:43 He'll be fine. Fine. And Kate smacks the shit out of Esther. And so orderlies sedate her and put her in a hospital bed. Is that the way things work? I don't think that's legal. Oh no, orderlies are like cops. It's fine.

Starting point is 00:48:59 Yeah, they are. And also, I don't think orderlies can give you an injection. Why do they have it on their persons? They must be given it to themselves back in the lunchroom or something. Start sneaking up on each other like, gotcha Berry. This is enough to knock out a middle-aged mom. They had to keep testing amounts until they could figure out the middle-aged mom. So John takes Esther and Max home and Esther steals Max's hearing aids. Yeah. Can we not?

Starting point is 00:49:28 Can you not? Can you not. Leave her alone. And then he opens the bottle of wine. You can't have wine. Oh, you can have wine. He's smoking in the house. He's a shit person.

Starting point is 00:49:37 He's a shit person. He also crushes that bottle of wine. Yeah, I mean, who wants us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Esther gets dressed up, she cuts a dress to fit her, slinky back black outfit. It puts on all this eyeliner, straightens her hair, yep. And she says, this is so upsetting. Unbelievably upsetting. Even knowing that this is a 12-year-old child, that they're making pretend is a 33-year-old woman.

Starting point is 00:50:08 And at this point, I still thought she was nine. And I'm like, why don't you explain to her that you love her and the way a parent loves a child, if she's truly put this on her. And then my next note just says, she's a grown woman, what? This movie is weird, is a note that I have. She's 33 years old, I'm sorry, but this reveal is what? What? I think, can we talk about a timely thing real quick? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:38 Leonardo DiCaprio is in the news right now. ask, he has recently dumped th who turn 25 and people did some digging and he's never dated a woman over 25 years of age. Like Minuto, he just drops him? Yes, exactly. He's like about your age maybe? I think he's 44, a few years younger than I am. Okay, okay. And so... What's that? That's bad that he's doing that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, th. So, he. So, he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he's, he's, he. he. he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he. he's he's he's he he's he he he's he he he he he he he he he he he he he. He's he. he. he. He's, yeah. So, two things about that. One, keep credit where credit is due. Ben Shapiro had the best fucking joke about it. No, I hate this. Which was, Linao DiCaprio has dumped his girlfriend to go to the birth of his next girlfriend. That's a good joke.

Starting point is 00:51:23 No, it isn't because I hate him. He's never made a woman wet in his life. Second, Leonard of the Caffrio produced this movie? Did he? I didn't know that. Yes. God, so he's... Oh. So it puts this real weird spin on this little girl being a not a little girl. It sure tas. Ooh, I'm not a fan. Oh, I'm not a little girl. It's short to us. Ooh, I'm not a fan. So Dr. Varva calls after John deals with her coming on to him and it's like, hey, no, we can't, no, it's not, handles it really poorly as you know. Really poorly.

Starting point is 00:51:55 He's also very drunk, which I guess is whatever. Yes. Yeah. And Dr. Varva calls Kate and is like, hey, she's 33, she's not a child, so whoops a doozy. She has a rare hormone disorder called hypopaturism or something. That's what my talk to text says. That has caused her to become a proportional dwarf. Yes, as the movie says. I don't I don't. I don't think it is a thing. I think so. Knowing nothing about nothing I don't think so. Because there's a movie called Burial Ground that at some point I'd like to do on the podcast but it's also it's a zombie movie that's also part soft-core pornography. That's how I like it

Starting point is 00:52:48 but there is a person in that movie who I've always heard him called a primordial dwarf okay and I don't know if that's a medical term or just the thing that's thrown around him through shitty dudes talking about movies or what but he is a proportional little person. Okay th and th and that that that that that that that that that th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th. I thi tho tho tho tho tho-it tho tho thi tho-like tho-like tho-like tho-like tho-like tho-like that's tho-like that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's th. that's that's th. th. th. th. th. I I I I I I I I th. I th. I's th. I's th. I's thi thi thi thi thi thi tho-s tho-s the theeeeeeole-s thooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo' thooo-s tho' tho-s term or just the thing that's thrown around him through shitty dudes talking about movies or what. But he is a proportional little person. And he's playing a child in this movie. And it's wild. Okay. And so it's like, okay, well, you know, that's a thing. Fine.

Starting point is 00:53:14 That's that documentary burial grounds. I don't know why I've gotten in my own head and can't say burial ground anymore. I go burial ground. Burial ground. You sound like Mitch McConnell. Oh, clearly. Why would you clear it? So we see that she has scars on her throat and wrists. From trying to escape from straight jackets? Yes.

Starting point is 00:53:39 What? What are your strait jackets made out of barb wire? And, um, we see that she has real mangled teeth. Yeah, she pops out her little flipper and she's got all fucked up adult teeth. That's like you're 33, you can't brush? Seriously, I'm five years older than you. My teeth look great. I always said that about you. And also Peter Sarsgard goes into her room and somehow sees that she was making porn on

Starting point is 00:54:06 her walls with a black light. I forget how he like manages to make it work, but holy shit. It's her getting fingered. Well, yeah, we see all these paintings, all of her paintings that are like these innocent child paintings when the black light light is turned on them are just violence. It's so stupid. But like when it happened I was like oh that's why the dark castle was covered in Dayglow paint at the opening credits of the movie. Thank you so much movie. But yeah and there's like two scenes of she and John writhing in

Starting point is 00:54:37 sexual ecstasy on the wall and one of them is just full-blown fingering her and it's just like what is this movie? Why is this okay? Yeah. Please tell me Maxine has never been anywhere near this room. Right. And so for some reason the fuse box is sparking. Oh, she's smashed it.

Starting point is 00:54:57 Okay. And he just like goes down all drunk looking at it like, what am I going to do this? What is this is is is is is is is is this? Is is this? Is is this? Is is this? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it? th? th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thoing? thoing? thoing? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th? th. th? th. th? th. th? th. th? th. th? th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thi. theea? thea? thea? thea? thea? thea? thea? thi. thi. thi. thi? thi. to do with this? How is this doing? Was it always sparking? Because the lights go out. Right. And meanwhile, Kate is driving under anesthesia. Oh my God, yes. And it's like, okay.

Starting point is 00:55:13 I was having a swirl of thoughts at this point. Like, first of all, how annoying to keep having to go to third grade. Yeah. Second of all, this is what he gets for not believe in his wife. Exactly. That's what I think the true moral tale of this movie is. And then third of all, driving into your own home to own the libs. Oh man, I love you.

Starting point is 00:55:34 So she, um, so she gets into an accident at some point and I have you. Yeah, the best thing to do is speed away from next. Yeah, sure. She just peels out. Yeah. She calls the cops, tells them there's an intruder in the home. There's a bunch of fighting outside by the lake, the pond. First she, uh, Esther kills John. Oh and Maxine has to watch John. Yeah, poor fucking Max. So sad. Yes. Yeah. And then they, they show Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. Esther. the the the they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. they. the they. they. the the cops. the cops the cops the cops the cops the cops the cops the cops the cops. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She. She they. She's. She's. She's they. She's they. She's they. She's they. She's. She's. She's. tells. tells. they. they. they. they. they. they. the. the. She's the. She's the. Yeah. And then they show Esther she has like wiped off her makeup and she's 11 and they're trying to make her look in her 30s by painting on like old lines. Yeah she looks 70. No she looks like a child dressed up for the hundred-day of school as a hundred-year-old lady. It's absurd. Absolutely absurd. It looks bad but I appreciate it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:28 Oh man. So there's the gun, I don't know. Esther's not a great shot for being 33. Kate finds John dead and goes, oh no. Yeah, you're kind of a dick. She somehow gets her hands on the loaded gun and just puts it in her underpants. Yeah. I don't, that's, it's kind of hot. Well, fine, but that's what shot Plexico Burrus, you know, putting a gun in his sweatpants and going to the club. Fucking idiot.

Starting point is 00:56:54 Yeah. In his sweat pants. Um, when she finds Don Dundet, I said, is this what turned her into a demonologist? Mmm, could be. Could be. Uh, Esther shoots through a bathroom window. Yeah. Uh, they have a real tiny toilet. That's a note. Oh, interesting.

Starting point is 00:57:15 Yeah. Is it a kid potty? I don't think so. I think it's frozen. Max must be feeling pretty confident to shoot her shot right next to her mother? Which then cracks the ice and sends the two of them through it? Yes. Yeah, Max, you're probably better off of neither of them being in your life. Extremely good son. The swimming around underwater, it's thia, thia, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, it's thi, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi thi thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii thii thi thi thi thi,'s terrible. What a nightmare. They can't get through the ice. Yeah. Kate pulls herself out, Esther comes up

Starting point is 00:57:48 behind her and says, please don't let me die mommy. With a knife behind her back. With her knife behind her back. She's just fucking spectacular. And what does Kate say? I'm not your fucking mommy. And kicks her in the fucking the tucked the fucking tip thi. thi, th. And, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, their, their, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, their, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, their, Esther, Esther, their, Esther, Esther, their, Esther, th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. ttttha, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, Esther, th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, te., I mean I guess they have to have her be an adult to justify this type of violence against her. Right, sure. You can't have this kind of violence against a nine-year-old and a little. Oh man. But come on. Because there's part of your brain that's going no she's really 11, she's really 11. She's really 11. Yeah, she's really 11. Yeah, she's really 11. Yeah, she's really 11. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I I I. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I. I. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah. Yeah. I the. Yeah. I the. Yeah. Yeah. I the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the to have done it. What could have potentially saved it is to have had like Max and Danny somehow team up and kill her and be the heroes? Because I feel like children can kill children? I don't know if that's true. I might need to think that through. I was a little drunk when I wrote this.

Starting point is 00:58:37 Quick rewrite, have two kids spoil themselves forever and murder this child. They're not my kids. Katie. Yeah. Wait, then there's a sort of like lascivious end scene of her painting her nails. Oh yeah, over the credits. It's all fucked up. Like she, you're 33, you know how to paint your nails.

Starting point is 00:58:59 It was like she went to the Robert Smith School of Lipstick. You get it near your face and just, It was like she went to the Robert Smith School of Lipstick. You get it near your face and just, go, go, go whole hog. You're so sad. Uh, do you want to go to the racing face? Yeah, that was the best accent anyone has done in regards to this film. Although I really think that girl was great. I thought she was fantastic.

Starting point is 00:59:21 Yeah, um, again, all the children in this movie were great actors. Maxine is just I just want to just hug her and put her in a sweet potato eat her for dinner. Yeah just put in her pocket feed her sugar like a sugar glider. You always want to do that with small children. I do. Oh boy. I was born to be a giant at the top of a beanstalk what do you want for me? You really were. This movie's shit. I mean it's just an it's just who is our hero? Max? I think Max? Oh no, Kate. No, she's absolutely not. She's a terrible mother. She drove her car into her house to own the lips. Yeah that is pretty good though. No, it's I think it's very bad. Yeah, I thi. that's a th. th. tho. tho. tho. tho. that's pretty tho. that's pretty that's pretty that's pretty that's pretty tho. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. t. to to to to th. to the to to the the the the the thi. the thi.. Oh wow. Yeah, did you like it? Okay. It's two hours. Spoiler, it's too long. It's too long. It's way too long. And you know what? I'm gonna say a little

Starting point is 01:00:10 bit higher than that. I'm gonna say four. Okay. Because the first act is good. Yeah. Despite going to an orphaned open house. Yeah. When I was like, oh this is just dumb. thum. It it it it it th. It th. It th. It th th th th th th th th th th th thi. It's th thi. It's th th thi. It's th th th thi thi th th th th th th th th th thi thi thi too too too long, it's too long, it's too long, it's too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's too. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's thi. It's too too too long, it's too long, it's too long, it's too long, it's too long, too long, too long, too long, too long, it's too long, it's too long, it's too dumb, I got real on board with it. Did you? Yeah, explain that to me. I was like, oh, this is just dumb, let's do dumb, let's do dumb. You're gonna do dumb stuff? Just keep being dumb. I love the dumb. Tattoo. Mm-hmm. Did you look at your tattoos?

Starting point is 01:00:35 I just looked at your, very dumb tattoos. Yeah. So, me too. She, she, uh, yeah, when I realized it like, it's a movie about a child, although there was that case a few years ago, maybe 10 years ago, where that guy in France said he was a kid who had gone missing in the United States. Oh. And like, there's like a whole documentary about it.

Starting point is 01:01:04 And he came back to the states and the family was like, I guess. Interesting. And it turns out it was totally a scam and that he had done before to other people. So he's like, he's a little bit like Esther. Brutal. But Esther's goal was just to seduce Peter Sarsgard? Yeah, because we saw in her Bible that she had other dads that she had tried to... Yes, she's doing a dad collection. And Varna was like, yes, when she doesn't get to seduce, she murders? How do you know that? Because she'd murdered all these guys? I guess so. Also, doesn't Estonia the death penalty? What the fuck are we doing here? And also doesn't Estonia like report someone? A lot? thaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? tha? tha? tha? tha? tha? tha? tha? tha? tha's is tha's tha's thoosa's thoosa thoosa thoosanananananananananananananananananananananan't to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to do sa to do sa to do sa to do sadususus? She toa toa toa toa tooes sed tooes sed tooes tooes tooosuuuuuuuuu. Sed sed sedusususususususususususususus? Shea. She does sedusususususususususus? She's tooosuu. She's to mental hospital? Oh no, the boat.

Starting point is 01:01:45 The boat's back. Oh, he's on the sidewalk. That's the place for a boat. Yeah, keep going. Chog on. Anyway. I will give this movie a solid 6.75. So much more than it deserves.

Starting point is 01:01:59 But you're in the mood for something stupid. I'm actually excited for orphaned first guilt guilt because I want to learn more about her. We're going to be doing that in the next month or so aren't we? I have a feel. I have a feeling. I do something tell me. Maybe we can do the good son too and then just bring it all around. Because it is really this fucking movie, the movie, theyn't. Sure. the end of it. I wanted. this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this th th th th th th th th th th the f the f really really really really really really really really th th th th th th. I th. I th. I th. I thu f. I the f. I th. I th. th. th. the the the the the the the the the the th. the th. th. the th. the th. the th. th. the the th. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I the th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to And just the end of it, like I wanted to, I thought you had seen it and I wanted to discuss the end with you of that movie because why it's so much more powerful than this movie. Sure. But we'll we'll get into it. I don't think this movie was going for power though. But I mean it's a grieving grieving grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving, it's a grieving mother, it's a grieving mother, it's a grieving mother, it's a grieving mother, that's a grieving mother, that's a grieving mother, that's a grieving mother, that's a grieving mother, that's a grieving mother, that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's that's that's that's that's that, that's that's that's that's to, that's to to that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a that's a th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. the. th's not handed handled flippantly. Sure. Fair enough.

Starting point is 01:02:47 All right well whatever it's trash. Let's get the hell out of here before more bugs attack us. I know let's just wrap it up. No no no notes, no notes I'm out of here. No no it's got to go great time. Listen it, uh Alan's probably edited it out so you can hear it at the end of this episode. We've both freaked out about praying mantises. I'm so itchy right now. I'm so sorry. Oh my god, I'm freaking out. I'll be recording inside from here on out. No, it's fine.

Starting point is 01:03:09 I like being outside. I just need you, like I said, kill the praying mantis. We're almost to autumn. Pray mantis will kill them soon. I think thatouch us. It did it on purpose. We love you all. We love you. Stay well. Um, be kind to each other. Yeah. Okay. I'm done. Thanks to listening to another episode of WhereWif Ambulance. Bye-bye. Avoid praying mantises. Yes. Keep your life empty of praying mantises. Empty. CLEE. CLE. Maybe Axe and I did rules, Savini's sightings at the pool. No, we do in Finland's to fulfill reviews.

Starting point is 01:04:10 Killing the clouds and let the face, King in their aerospace, Apiritz I cast in case. Please make I continue to break. E&T. EFT. A road and comedy reviews hungry, Brian from Wayne's and Stephen King. ENDT. We live deliciously at tend tree so he's crazily gone today. A paranormal act of TV's from Mr.tea, E.T. P. E.T. You can't see without its glasses.

Starting point is 01:04:52 So, uh, I have a note that says, Ah! That was a giant moth. Did you see that thing? I am not okay. I touched my skin. I am not okay. I touched my skin. Turn that light on to the request of that, not to you.

Starting point is 01:05:10 It's my inner glow. I'm still talking into the mic. I always do that every time I put on a light bulb. I don't want to say, oh, I always do that. Every time I put on a light bulb. It's still there! It smells like a brain mantis! Oh God! It's gone! It flew away. No, I'm not doing this anymore.

Starting point is 01:05:38 It's not my mic. I'm so sorry. I'll adjust to your cousin, it's his mic. Yeah. Talk it to him, let's cousin, it's his bike. Yeah. Talk it to him, let's make sure it's still working. Check, check, check. Ah, it's touching me. What is it?

Starting point is 01:05:52 Is it working? Is it working? It seems to be. Uh, actually, it's a bug. It's just a bug. She's looking so disapprovingly at me. Check, check, check, check, check. Yeah, it seems fine. You're going to cut that? You should put it as a blooper reel at the end.

Starting point is 01:06:13 F-F-F-F-Fa-Fa-Fa-Fa-Faeupe of the end. Fn't, fuck! F-Fu-Fack, what was that? Is it praying mantis? Never again. Right, next time we will not record outside. It's okay, I don't mind me outside. I need you to get rid of all the praying mantis is in the city. Okay, all right. This is so concerned.

Starting point is 01:06:37 I know why I was screaming and I made the dog spark. Oh, oh.

Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 395- Orphan (2009)

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