Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Andy Richter

Episode Date: July 1, 2022

Santino sits down with Andy Richter (Conan) to chat about who's better looking; Santino or Conan, his big hands ready for fighting, attractive people getting hurt, 3 time daytime Emmy award winner, and much much more! COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! SIMPLISAFE Get that house secured 20% off entire system and first month FREE https://simplisafe.com/whiskey ROTHY’S $20 OFF your first order! https://rothys.com/whiskey MINT MOBILE Plans start at just $15 a month! https://mintmobile.com/whiskey Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria #andyrichter #andrewsantino #whiskyginger #podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. Like, subscribe, please. Leave a comment down below for the Algo Rhythm. Spread the word. Let people know what we're doing here. I really appreciate the fans. Genuinely, you've been along for this ride for years now, and I hope to keep this train a-moving. So, thank you for coming with me. I'm, of course, not on tour right now. I'm hoping to shoot a special soon. Who knows? Tell me where you want it to end up on Netflix, on YouTubes, on Amazon, on Apple TV. Maybe Quibi might pick it up. The Roku, do they have one? Who knows? Who cares? My guest this week is Andy Richter. So funny, Andy Richter. This dude is a genius. He's got

his own podcast that you need to check out as well. Check him out on this podcast. If you like it, go watch his podcast. That's the beauty of how this works. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth.

I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It is the effervescent, the ethereal, the enigmatic. I've used that one before. The enhanced. Do you always have to do, yeah, enhanced. Enhanced. Medication ones. Egregious, egregious at times.

Egregious, yeah. Andy Richter, ladies and gentlemen. Andy, thank you for coming. Extravagant. Extravagant, oh, you keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you keep going. Extracurricular.

Your praise is effusive. Effusive. Electable. Electric. Uh-huh, electric. You think you're electable? Oh, absolutely. For what?

I was prom king. Were you really? Of Yorkville High School. I mean, it's, you know, it's a small. Look at you. It's a small pond. But who cares? I was the prom fish.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. You were prom king? I was prom king and name prom queen what was her name? Michelle Englehart and we know her very well

of course she's the host of she's the host of Where Am I Now Where Am I Now yeah yeah I'm gonna pour you some Blantons because I bet you Michelle Englehart

is probably somewhere in the Midwest having a lovely full life with the family and so forth. Do you think she's doing better than you, though? Right now, maybe. No chance.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers to you, everyone. We're having a little bit of Blantons. We're sipping on some good old-fashioned Blantons. And Andy said, I like Blantons because you like the fishnet stockings that are on there. Well, yeah.

I mean, you can take those off. No, I never do. All right. It's sexier that way. Don't you think it's like a real... I know, but it's, you know, it's just packing material. All right, man. Can you just let me have my little fanciness?

All right. Whatever. Are you a bourbon guy or no? I am. I am. I like bourbon, and I like Irish whiskey okay. I like rye. Scotch, no thanks.

No thanks. Like a burnt fucking band-aid it's terrible why do people like it so much I don't know do you think people

actually like it or do you think they like the idea of it because it's this noble kind of very like intelligent men

drink it in quiet rooms yeah I think there's part of that but I mean I just think that I guess people like it I mean it wouldn't exist without people liking it. Yeah.

And people, I just can't believe that you, if you have the reaction to it that I do, which is like, yuck. Yuck. I don't, I can't believe, I can't figure someone would fight through that. Yeah, but. You know what I mean? Well, but remember when you were young and you, what was your first, when did you have your first drink? How old were you? Of beer or booze or whatever. Well, I mean? Well, but remember when you were young and you, what was your first, when did you have your first drink? How old were you? Of beer or booze or whatever.

Well, I mean, besides sips. Like when you, when you got drunk for the first time. Oh, I was probably 15. And the taste was what? Do you remember? It was probably beer. Yeah. It was probably beer.

Yeah. And it was not, it was not pleasant. But that's, I mean, you grew into it. Yeah, yeah. So scotch to me feels like, I think if you get really good scotch, you know, like I just bought a friend a bottle of Macallan 15, and I can drink it with him. I just,

I think maybe it's the atmosphere is why people like it, because it's a slow sipper. Yeah. And this is kind of like Irish trash, where we'll just chug this stuff and just go ham. Right. This is also bourbon is, on the range of whiskey, is very sweet. Oh yeah, because corn, baby. We like that corn, man.

But I just, there's something about Scots that I've tried, and we were never Scotch people, and I come from all bourbon drinkers. Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm an Irish scumbag, and all of the Irish on my family like mostly bourbon. Not a lot of rye people in my family, but Scots never made its way in.

My dad tried it a few times and did that thing where we would sit and have one, and I was like, can we not do this? I have a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that I got as a gift, and I got it as a gift as an industry person,

a show that was sold that never went from the producers as a, hey man, this is how it goes. And it was one of my first times. Yeah, consolation prize. And I still haven't opened it. Partially because I don't love scotch that much, even though it's amazing scotch. Also because it's a weird, it's got a...

I feel like I have... That's a fancy one too, isn't it? Johnny Walker Blue is one of the best. Yeah, it's probably $300 a bottle or something like that. But I also didn't open it because I'm like, this has sad remnants to me of a thing that never happened. It's almost like I leave it on the, and people come over and they're like, Oh, what do you do with that? I'm like, it's, I look at it and feel sad. It's a toothache I push on. It just reminds me of, of, of this business. It's actually kind of a, um, it's a microcosm of the business where I know what's in there is good. Yeah. And it, but it's right. It just has something denied to you. It was denied.

Yeah. Something was taken away. I find though, scotch is a wonderful thing to give to people that doesn't cost you a dime when you, you know, like somebody gives you a fancy bottle of scotch and you give it to one of your friends and they're so like, oh my God, I love this. Thank you so much. And you're like, hey, listen, I, you know. Look at me. Yeah, yeah. I basically gave you junk mail. Yeah.

You know, it's like for what it means to me. You can pass it on to somebody else if you don't need it. Right. Here's something I don't want, you know. I want one honest answer out of you to start the show. Am I better looking than Conan? Yeah. Yes. Yeah, yeah, looking than Conan? Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. I mean, you're both handicapped by the whole ginger thing. Okay, sure. Well, you're light-colored hair as well. I know.

You're not one of us. But you're an actual mutation. Correct. You are a genetic mutation. Yeah. I'm just a recessive gene. Yeah. I mean, when I was a kid, I was just a recessive gene. When I was a kid, I was what they call a toe head, a real white blonde. A blondie.

You were a blondie boy. Super blondie. And yeah, that's just recessive genes. So I'm repulsive, but you're just unlucky. Is that kind of what it is? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, that's kind of how it goes. I guess, yeah, yeah.

Neither one of us are meant to survive, you know, the oncoming genetic war. And here we are living in the middle of a place that has sun 300 days out of the year. Ridiculous. It just gets hotter and hotter and hotter, and I just get more grumpy. Same. Yeah. Why don't we move to a place that's colder? Because they don't have fantastic assholes that give you bottles of scotch when they fuck you over.

Bingo. Yeah, yeah. They just say, sorry, Ted, the deal fell through. Yeah, you're not going to get that in Vancouver. That's exactly right. No, you would in Vancouver. Yeah, in Vancouver you would. Winnipeg, probably not.

No chance. What about anywhere in Alberta, like Edmonton or Calgary? No, no. What about in Saskatoon? First of all, they would never give you that nice of scotch, I don't think. That's true. They'd give you some Canadian trash whiskey. Right, right, no. What about in Saskatoon? First of all, they would never give you that nice of scotch, I don't think. That's true. They'd give you some Canadian trash whiskey. Right, right, right.

Which is what, that's what, when you're talking about what your parents drank, that's, my parents would drink the Canadian whiskey. Canadian Club? Yeah. Well, the one that their drink was Vio Dry Manhattan on the Rocks. Which is a V VO blended whiskey, which isn't bad.

It's okay. It's fine. It's great. It's okay. It's a mixer. It's for mixing. It's something if you go to a VFW hall, you'll be safe ordering it, you know? Right after you get Legionnaire's disease,

you'll get a little bit of VO mixed. But then it's, instead of the sweet vermouth, it's dry vermouth. It's dry vermouth. That's right. And they would put an olive in a twist. So it was instead of the sweet vermouth, it's dry vermouth. It's dry vermouth. That's right. And they would put an olive in a twist. It was kind of like whiskey with like pickle juice.

And it's such a weird drink. Yeah. And I mean, you know, just they'd get it wrong like 40% of the time. Right. You know, they'd bring in the swing. No, they'd just bring them sweet vermouth because they'd hear manhattan and they'd say no dry manhattan which i don't know where the fuck they got it from yeah that is my mom and my stepdad um but that was their drink and that was you never like that kind of stuff uh no i took it like that i would take a sip of and i'd just be like that is

punishment yeah that is not enjoyment you know know? And my grandmother loved Manhattan's. That was her and my grandfather's drink. And they'd be, you know, they would be left on the table at the family parties because there's a thousand of us. Right. My mom's one of 10. Yeah.

And the family's one of 50. Wow, wow. And my grandmother's like 400 square foot house. And we'd shove in during the holidays. Yeah. And I was in a mix of Irish and Italian or? My dad is Sicilian and that family doesn't come over.

They're busy killing people and running from the police. Vendettas against each other. Vendettas don't make for a big Christmas. No, but my mom's, it's all Irish on my mom's side. And genuinely, it's like just everyone's big drinkers, but

when we were kids, you, you'd get, you know, like a quarter finger left and we would all combine them and then we'd hide in the laundry room and drink it. And someone would throw up and then they would snitch. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's just kind of how it goes. Yeah.

But as you get older, then the parents at the holidays would just be like, just here, just sneak you one. Take a sip. Yeah. That's kind of how I fell in love with bourbons and whiskey in general is because of growing up around that. And beer for me was never, until I got to college, I don't even think I had beer.

Yeah, no, we had, it was, I grew up kind of in the country and my parents were very lenient and everybody had an older brother that could buy them beer. Right. And we'd get, and I mean, they would go to bars and get cases of long necks from the back of old taverns. And then we would have road parties, which is just drive out to the middle of nowhere. And drink. And park and drink.

And, you know, whoever would be—you'd just hear about it, and you'd hear it's like, you know, take a ride on whatever road and just, you just look for taillights. Wow. And then, and it, cause it would be, you know, just like out in the middle of corn and bean fields. What town is this? Yorkville, Illinois. Yorkville.

Yeah. Cause you know, I'm, I'm, I'm a Chicago kid. Right. I know that. Are you, uh, are you affiliated with any of the, the team? Are you a sports fan of Chicago at all? Uh, Cubs still, sorta. But the Bears, I don't get.

Matt Walsh is a real good friend of mine. I love Walsh. He's really big into the Bears. In fact, he and I just went to a Dodger game and he told me that, I can't remember what he was on. What substance he was on?

No, no, no. Like, he was on some show and they interviewed him about something and he said something about his love of the Bears. I can't remember what it was. But he got an email from one of the McCaskies.

Oh, really? Yeah. That owns the team? Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, I've enjoyed you on Veep and if you're ever in town and you want to come to a game,

like, what a hookup that is. That's incredible. The McCaskill people that don't know, the mother is 99? And she's like George Hallis' daughter or something like that. That's exactly right. But it's been one of the, I think them and the Giants are the only continuously family-owned team. Left, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. She's 99 years old. Wow. Virginia, yeah, Halas McCaskey. Yeah. And she just turned 99 in January. Shout out, Virgie. Yeah, yeah.

Virgie Kask, 99 years old. Do you want to live that long? I don't think I do. I don't either. I don't think I do. Such an extensive amount of life. Yeah, and also it's just like, say I'm 55, that like the amount of joint pain that I've gained in the last 10 years. Yeah. Imagine in 30 years what that's going to feel like.

I know. I feel like I've heard that phrase from like my dad and his friends that are like, if I reach the age where it hurts to like just even like move, it's like just take me out back and shoot me. I have – the beginning is of arthritis in different joints, but one especially because I had surgery on this thumb, pretty sexy accident. I was in a golf cart and was making a U-turn and went up on the curb, and when I came down off the curb, the wheel snapped, and I had my thumb over like the spoke of the wheel.

So it hyperextended my thumb back. And then it took about two weeks. What it did is it pulled, a tendon pulled on, you know, where it was attached on the bone, and it detached the bone a little bit, and it took about two weeks for it to finally come off. Oh, my God. And then was flopping around in there, and it was so weird to be like, this pinky would hurt. And then like my whole hand would be numb and then it would be throbbing pain. But I have arthritis in there now just because that happened like 15 years ago.

But I have arthritis in there now. And there's just times when I'm like, ow. Out of nowhere. Fucking thumb, fucking throbbing pain. You know? And it's like, it's infuriating. It's like, wait a minute. Now add 40 years.

I know, I know. It's going to get worse. I know. Just cut your hand off at some point. I guess, I guess. Or cut the thumb off. No, it'll just, you know, have those giant old man knuckles. You know, those big, like, you know, dark crystal knuckles.

That's cool, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because like my father-in-law, he's got a, his hand is a baseball mitt. I mean, it's this big and when he holds your hand, it's like saying, it's like him saying

without saying, you're a little boy all right to me. Right, right, right, right. I'm a man. Yeah. And you're a boy. I built stuff.

Put your hand in a couch cushion. It feels, it's so daunting and he's like the softest, sweetest guy but I'm like, this is,

that's what guys are, I guess. I never. These haven't done nothing. These have done nothing. I used to have calluses from actual work. And they're big hands. Yeah, you've got nice hands. Colin Quinn, every time I would see him, I haven't seen him in years.

But every time I'd see him, all he would talk about is like he had hand envy. Because I think, because then he thought like, because in his mind he is like, he had hand envy. Cause I think, cause then he thought like, because he's in his mind, he's like, I could hit people really well with those. You sure can. Yeah. And I guess, I guess, okay. Yeah. That makes sense. If you're going to be hitting people with your hands, the bigger the hands are, the better. And I do have big hands. Have you hit people with them? I've never hit anyone in anger. What? With a fist in my life. Let's get you mad today you're gonna knock me out on my own show do you need to reset the camera no no leave them let them be let's let's see what

happens what you even when you were young you did like even when you were a kid kid like like like 10 or 12 with my brother sort of and then the last time was maybe like it was in grade school and it was kind of one of those you know goofing around fighting that sort of gets serious because some you get mad yeah and that was the closest i ever came i never ever was i just i don't know i just no meathead in college tried to fuck with you and then you just were like really and i always just kind of i i mean there were you know like there were older kids in high school that were kind of assholes to me. But first of all, I think I was probably like, I was just terrified of getting in trouble generally. Oh, you were a good kid.

I was a good kid. And I don't even so, you know, and looking back on it, I don't, I guess I thought I was going to get hurt or something. But it was like, how much could you really, like, you know. Well, getting hit in the head back hurts. You can hit somebody and it's great. Yeah. As soon as they hit, I've been in fights and I was a kid, I was a troubled kid who fought a lot.

Yeah. You start to learn as you get a little bit older, you're like, well, they hit back and that's the worst part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hitting someone is like, yeah, I got him good. But the next day after you've gotten socked a few times, no thanks. Yeah, I think also too it's like, did you grow up on the south side? No, I grew up, no, on the near north side.

On the near north side. Because all of my friends from the south side, most of them Irish, it was like that was always an option while communicating. Oh, yeah. It was like, oh, I could just punch him in the face. And it was just so common. Just like, oh, yeah. You know,, oh, I could just punch him in the face. And it was just so common. Just like, oh, yeah. You know, like this guy said something to me. I could, you know, rebut it.

I could laugh about it. I could ignore it. Or I could just kick him in the fucking head, you know. Tear a picket off a fence and beat him with it. But that worked sometimes. I guess. For those guys. I guess.

Although, like, just I lived so vicariously through my violent Irish Southside friends, like, and found out things like you can kick the shit out of a human being, but if, like, you break their windshield, you're in trouble. That's when you go to prison. Like, property damage. Oh, yeah. Like, you get hauled in front of a judge. But just a bunch of fucking dummies hitting each other. It's like, go home, you idiots. Yeah, well, the Chicago cops,

that's a very like, come on, come on, come on, cut it out. Yeah, yeah, right, exactly. But if you do something physical to someone's property, right. Right. Now you're in trouble.

Now you've done some real damage. You've got insurance companies involved, and you know. Just hit them in the head. Yeah, yeah. That's why the Irish do it. Just hit them in the fucking head. Just hit them in the heads.

I'm going to Ireland soon. As when I worked for a mover, the old movers would say, for a mover, the, uh, the old movers would say, uh, skin grows back, veneer doesn't. Oh,

that's actually really good. So like when you're going, how many times did you chip? Did you chip stuff? Is that why? No, they just, they thought they were clever.

Did you have, did you have, uh, a lot of odd jobs growing up like this? Were you like a, you said you built with these hands. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah. I know. I had a fair amount of, I mean, if you count a paper route, I've been working since I was 13. Yeah, I do. Of course. Yeah. And so I had paper routes. I had a couple of different paper routes. It was like one was a daily where you had to get it, you know, get up and get it out every morning. The Aurora Beacon News, shout out Aurora Beacon News. You know it. You know it and you love it. And then the other was like a weekly shopper that was like 500 papers. Ugh. You know, like that went out once a week, but it was like all over town. Right.

And, you know, and I was doing it at like 13, but of course someone had to fucking drive me. How am I going to take 500 papers on my bike? Yeah. Unless you got really good saddlebags. Yeah. Or just an auxiliary sibling to, you know, just be a pack mule. Your younger brother. You ride next to me. Right, right. All right. Just hand me the papers as we go. Yeah. You pull a wagon. But then I, my stepfather had a plumbing business and I worked for him both in the shop, like, you know, selling repair parts, but then also going out and being – helping plumbers, you know, like – You can plumb.

Yeah, plumbing I can do pretty well. So if I call you over, is that – I mean, you know, my rate is higher than the average. You'd probably be better just to, you know – But what if I like – Dighty-do. I like quality. I want the plumber to be probably be better just to, you know. But what if I like quality? I want the plumber to be someone that's fun to look at as well. And you're a pretty man.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want some uggo cleaning my place. I'm charged for topless, too. In here, we pour whiskey. Today's episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Simply Safe Home Security. Here at the Whiskey Ginger, we believe that the home should be the safest place on earth for every single family. And that's why I use and recommend Simply Safe. Simply Safe is advanced home security that puts you, your home, and your family's safety first.

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dot com slash whiskey for $20 off your first order. rothys.com slash whiskey. Ginger. I like gingers. But yeah, so I, you know, crawling under houses as a kid and I remember,

I live in Burbank and there there's like a little burrito stand. And before school one day, I took my daughter there, and we were getting burritos. And it was – or it wasn't even before school because it was summertime. And I saw like some 8-year-old kid with his dad who was like a drywaller or a carpenter or something. And the kid's eating breakfast, and I'm just like, oh, oh my god that kid's going to work with his dad yeah and it was like such i was like just this abyss of sadness of like how what a bummer that is you know or what a great bonding moment between the son and the father right no oh here if you're gonna do it point it at me point it right at me there it is let me catch that no that is sad whenever see the, like I saw the, I saw that recently too about,

okay, in my neighborhood, I was driving by and these people are adding a second level to their home and they were redoing the fence to put up like a fence. So if stuff falls, it won't hit the other house. You know what I'm saying? Like a guard protection. Sure, sure. And one of the men that was there was yelling down. And as I drive by, I look at who he's yelling at. And it's got to be like a 10-year-old kid. And he's throwing stuff up to him. And I was like, damn, that kid is putting in the fucking work. At 10 years old.

I mean, I was garage hopping. I was stealing and causing chaos in the neighborhood. Right, right, right. Yeah, and this poor kid's putting in the hours with his old man. Yeah, no. I mean, yeah, you could, from the outside, people would go like, oh, what a wonderful thing, you're passing on a trade.

But it's like, no, it's awful. Yeah, he's, yeah. And it's like. That kid wants to be a kid. And 85% of the time, dad's not happy about what he fucking does for a living. Right, he's bummed. So it's not like he's going, son,

let me, you know, open your eyes to the world of tile setting. It's like, get that fucking tile in here, kid. Where the fuck you been? Get your head out of your ass, you know? Don't walk on that. Doing my best. Yeah. Your best isn't good enough.

Right, right. That's why we should have given you away. Wait, what? What? Yeah, we were going to give you up. Now hand me that fucking divider now. But I needed the help. I needed free labor.

Free labor. So I worked for my stepdad, and then my mom, she started, she just kind of fell into the kitchen business because my stepdad kind of, you know, to expand his business, brought in like just some cheap shit cabinets that, you know, were like, and you just ordered from a catalog, like basically what you do at Ikea. Same thing. Yeah, yeah.

And that, my mom just kind of, she took over that part of the business and then it just kind of grew until she, you know, was like a very accomplished, excellent, I mean, she should have been, she's like one of those 50s women that probably should have been an engineer. Right. But was an English major and a mom, you know. Because society restrictions were like, you're not allowed to have real work. Kind of, yeah.

I mean, I don't know. I always, that kind of thing is always like, yeah, but there were some lady engineers, but she just, you know, I don't know. But I think it was so counterculture, right? You had to fight pretty hard to break through that thing. Yeah, yeah. It was not, it was not like, oh, you know, like, oh, you'd like to be a math major. That's good. It'd be like, you want to be pretty hard to break through that yeah yeah it was not it was not like oh you know like oh you'd like to be a math major that's good it'd be like you want to be a math major why yeah yeah well you think about i mean like you know my mother i mean my mom got a divorce from my dad because he was going to jail all the time yeah that's and my grandmother was

like why would you get a divorce he's like that's the era where it's like you gotta stick it out right right he's gonna come around you know yeah he'll figure this out or worse right you're not listening yeah yeah that's right there we do have this the the that i'm glad those ideologies have changed because this puritanical vision of like what you're supposed to be that's a good good thing about society going very progressive where you're like, yeah, let people fucking swing all the bats they want to swing because saying you can only do this thing or you're not supposed to do this thing, it was only restrictive. Right, right. It was never anything good came out of it.

Well, and also a lot of that, like there's – a lot of that is just like it's keeping women down. Yeah. It's a whole system. And, you know, you don't think about it until, you know, the tables start to turn and the way that, you know, things are kind of, you know, now, especially like just sort of the switch from majority to minority white. Yeah. It's like you do realize like, oh, yeah, you keep women out of the workforce. There's a lot more room keep women out of the workforce. There's a lot more room for mediocre men in the workforce.

You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, if you – like, yeah, you should stay home. And I don't know if it's a conscious decision that like, yeah, keep them home because you don't want them as your boss or whatever. that's probably what it is. I guess, but I mean, but it is like, oh yeah, if you're, if you don't want to fire on all cylinders, keeping half of the population out of the workforce is a pretty sweet deal. Easy way to do it.

Yeah, for lazy fucks. I want a woman boss because I do like to be yelled at by women. I am fine with women bosses. Sure. It's just like so much less nonsense. I don't, this notion that like women are too emotional or whatever, it're just like so much less nonsense. I don't, this notion that like

women are too emotional or whatever, it's just like, that's crazy. They're just like, Men are way more emotional. Oh, they're more emotional and just stupid and like,

Angry, quick to get angry. Yeah. But that's my thing. If a woman, if a guy was my, if I have a man boss and he yells at me,

immediately I'm like, I'm going to fucking knock this guy. I'm going to beat the shit out of this guy. Yeah. Because you're like, this is just male ego aggression.

He's yelling at me for no fucking reason. Right. It's just to hold something over. But if I have a woman superior and she says something, you're like, yeah, I probably should fuck this, stop that, cut that out or whatever. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Exactly.

She's probably right. She's probably right. Yeah, yeah. But this guy yelling at me, it's because it's male ego bullshit. Yeah, yeah. That's, you know, that we're strong. Because I had a million fucking annoying trash jobs. I worked, I've talked about it on this show

a bunch, but I've worked so many shitty jobs for so many assholes and only once in a while do you get someone that you like really get along with that isn't, that knows your experience as shit, so they're trying to be a little bit nicer to you because you're like, come on man, I'm getting paid

four bucks a year to do this job. Leave me the fuck alone. That's why I give credit. Whenever I see somebody in any sort of service position in our society, if they're kind of mad and they fuck you off a little bit, like a server or something, if they're just like, what?

I really like it. Because I'm kind of like, yeah, you deserve to be mean to me. I'm coming into the thing and you got to do the thing. There's some of them that I agree with you most of the time. I'll take the hit. I agree with you most of the time. And I don't need to have smoke blowing up my ass when I'm getting a plate of enchiladas somewhere.

you know, getting a plate of enchiladas somewhere, you know, it's like, um, but there are, I, there are times when I, because I don't know, I guess it was just instilled in me. Like even every shitty job I had, I, I, I did a good job. Me too. Like, it's like, if you're going to pay me, I'm going to do a good job. And that's not for you. That's for me, you know, because it's like, that's the deal. That's what being a professional is. And that's not for you. That's for me, you know, because it's like, that's the deal. That's what being a professional is. And that's like, there's a coffee place near me. And there was this woman that worked there who I just, I just was always hearing her talk to industry people. Like, I think she wanted to be in a filmmaker of some kind. And she'd always be talking about, like, she has a shoot on Saturday or something like, and, you know, somebody would come in and say,

and she'd say, what are you writing? And they'd say, screenplay. She'd brighten up and, like, what are you writing? So obviously, and then kind of felt, but then I also had this attitude of, like, well, this coffee place, this is just, I'm just filling time here. And then she consistently got my order wrong.

And I was like, I actually might be in a position someday to give you a job. Yeah. But you, at the thing that you're getting paid for right now, don't give a fuck. Right. And I, and so it just, and I mean mean and i'm not like i'm not a princess but like at least three times i've had to come back to you and say it's oat milk yeah god damn it wrong god damn it and so it's it's like if you want me to think that you're like a good worker show me good work yeah no matter what the work is well i had that mentality but i think that's

that's us that's's a Midwest thing. Yeah, probably right. My parents were always like, it's McDonald's, but it's a job. Yeah. And I was like, I don't want to fucking do it. Right. And it's like, well, what other jobs are there? And I'm like, I don't know.

This is all I could do. Yeah, yeah. Except, I will say the laziest, I've always put in a lot of good effort, except when I was a lifeguard. I let an old man drown and die. Did you really? No, but it was was a lifeguard. I let an old man drown and die. Did you really? No, but he didn't die, but an older man drowned and we saved him.

Mr. Barker, but he's dead now. He's dead now. Well, you know, I was always looking at the other girls. I was always looking at the other girls. Club? What the fuck is that? Flip over.

Yeah, yeah. I just was not paying attention, and he was, I think he, something, he had cramped up or something, and he couldn't swim. He made it. He's a lot, he's dead now. He's dead now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not good to swim.

But he was old, right. Yeah, he was going to go anyway. Right, right. But they would make me do the later shifts after I already went to school, and I was tired, and I had basketball practice, and then I would do, like, sometimes the night shifts at the YMCA. And I fucking hated it. Which is like when to when?

I think the night was like 9 to 10.30 or something like that. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. I was miserable. So I had gone to school. I had done basketball. And then I had gotten something to eat and then I would go to the Y and I would do either kids basketball, which I love, the kids basketball coaching.

That was so fun because I just fucked around. Yeah, yeah. But then when I had to do life basketball coaching that was so fun because I just fucked around yeah yeah but then when I got to had to do lifeguard it was so fucking miserable because it was only older people swimming laps

yes and it was monotonous yeah I mean it was like just staring at like the same like right right

oh I hated it so much yeah yeah and so yeah I let a guy almost die on my watch and they fired me did they really yeah they started

well I got fired as a lifeguard, but they kept me as a basketball coach. Because the kids. I'm good with the kids. They're harder to kill. Yes, way harder. You can throw them really hard against the wall. An old man on a pool,

he's halfway into the ground. That's what he wants. Literally. That's what he wants. Now that you're not doing that show with the other orange freak, you're doing your own podcast now, which is great. It's called. It's called the three questions.

And I was doing it before we ended too. I, uh, and it was in classic, classic form. I, I had had people tell me you should do a podcast for a long time. You got a great voice. Do something, anything. Just do something. But that was one of the things that people would tell me, do a podcast. Yeah.

And I felt like, I was like, again, Midwestern. I felt like, what do I know about podcasts? And also I had friends like Jimmy Pardo and Scott Aukerman who were like truly there at the beginning of podcasts. And I would have felt like such a fucking asshole. I'm on TV. Put me on one too. And so, you know, I was always kind of leery. And then I finally thought, you know what?

Why not? Like let's start saying yes to stuff more than saying no to stuff. So I said, yeah, you know what? I will do one. And I had this one in mind too, the one that I'm doing. And then like, I mean, it had already been in the works, but I just hadn't heard about it. Like literally three days later, there's this big announcement.

Conan's doing a podcast. Asshole. And I was like, motherfucker. Why didn't I think of this like a month ago? Fucking Conan. Always. And we hate Conan, right? Fucking cock blocking me. Oh, so much. motherfucker. Why didn't I think of this like a month ago? Fucking Conan. And we hate Conan, right? Fucking cock blocking me. Oh, so much.

We hate Conan. No, I don't hate him. I don't hate him. I'm just teasing. If I hated him, I wouldn't say shit like that. I wouldn't tease him. No, I love him. That's why I can tease him openly in public. But yeah, the podcast is called The Three Questions. And it was, I love him. That's why I can tease him openly in public. But yeah, the podcast is called The Three Questions.

And it was – I basically wanted to have the kind of conversations that I like to have, especially like in commercial breaks at the Conan show because that's when I would always – and like the stuff that would interest me are kind of like workplace kind of things. Like when does your day start? Like that kind of like workplace kind of things. Like, when does your day start? Like, that kind of thing. Like, if you, you know, you talk to a soap star, I want to know, like, what's your day like? What's it like being a soap star? Like, that shit's always interesting to me.

And how did you get to be that is always interesting to me. So, and I also, I've done a ton of therapy in my life. So, I like it when people can think about where they come from and what they've been through and why it makes them who they are. So these three questions are where have you been, where are you going, and what have you learned? Wow. And where do you come from is technically what I always say. Where you come from, where are you going. Where you come from, where you're going. Where you come from, where you're going, and what have you learned?

From Chicago, nowhere, not enough. Right, right. That's kind of it for me. Don't pee on a live wire. That's a good one. That's a good one. Have you ever grabbed an electric fence before? With both hands.

Idiot. And fucking got thrown off it. I was about six years old. I was about six years old fence before? With both hands. Idiot. And fucking got thrown off it. I was about six years old. I was about six years old, grabbed on with both hands. Because you're from farm town, that had to have been around you. Yeah, absolutely.

My stepdad is from the mountains in North Carolina and his parents had cows and all this shit. And I touched an electric fence one time and holy shit. Yeah. It fucked me up. I thought I was like, oh, how strong could it... You think it's not that strong. It fucked me up. I thought I was like, oh, how strong could it be?

You think it's not that strong. It gets your ass. And especially, like I said, I grabbed on with two hands. So it. Conducted through your body. Shoot. Right through me. It like circled through you.

And it did kind of throw me off. And I, you know, I went into the house crying. And of course, like what moms do, they put me in the tub. And like my. Both of the palms. Oh my goodness. you finished just a little bit to finish you know the both of the palms of my hands look like like gin blossoms you know like the no like in an alky's nose yep like every blood vessel was like to the surface

it was crazy it was i was like your hands were radiant that's where the thumb thing started could be could be you said it was from a golf cart are you a golfer or no i am i am are you good Your hands were radiant. That's where the thumb thing started. Could be. Could be. You said it was from a golf cart. Are you a golfer or no? I am. I am. Are you good? I was better. But, you know, I mean, by better, I mean mid-90s kind of.

It's fine. That's the average. Yeah, on a good day, 90, you know. But I just don't play that much anymore. My attention span for it, like golf is too fucking long. It's long. It should be 12 or 13 holes. Yeah, Brooks Koepka, I think.

Or no, not Brooks Koepka. Yeah, maybe it was him. I can't remember what golfer said this. Fuck, I wish I remember. Yeah. But they were like, yeah, I think it was Brooks. And he was like,

he's like, Because he's kind of funny, isn't he? Yeah, and the host was like, do you think golf is too long? He's like, yeah, man, I kind of, like, I black out from like 12 to 15. He's like, I disappear.

And then I come back at 16 and he's like, we could have just knocked out those holes. Well, what about just play nine? You know, that's a whole campaign. Just play nine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, and that was because I played golf as a kid but never learned how to play golf. I mean, I just basically had a baseball swing and adjusted but played sports and was athletic enough to just kind of be able to play golf

and play a wicked slice, like aim really far left and sort of judge it and know about what's going to happen and kind of use a five iron 12 different ways. Sure. But then I stopped in college and didn't play for a while. And then it was actually when I was on the Conan show, our executive producer was a big golfer and other people started playing. And so I, on a whim, at Paragon Sports one day, bought just like a set of like, you know,

Habushibas or whatever, some, you know, knockoff brand of clubs. I was like, well, you know, maybe we'll get back into it. But I realized it was as if I had never played before. You're starting again. Yeah, totally starting from scratch and had to really learn how to swing a golf club and really do it right.

And then, and was terrible for a long time and had to really learn how to swing a golf club and really do it right. And then, and was terrible for a long time and used to get mad and then, you know, like would be furious and then wonder, why am I doing this? And then, but I mean, I always, you know, like when I was a kid, I'd be furious and then I'd be, you know, an hour later, see, drive by a golf course and go like, oh man, I wish I was out there. Yeah. Yeah. In here we pour whiskey. Hey, after years of fine print and contracts and getting ripped off by big wireless providers, like I've been doing my whole life, finally make

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Like just be okay. Yeah, be fine. Yeah, like have around like three shots where people like hey good shot or like nice nice putt or nice chip yeah um and so after after i came out here and uh and and did my the first sitcom andy richard controls the universe and then it got canceled and you get a bottle of scotch? I don't think I got any. Fuckers. You got a phone call?

It's over, kid. I think I got the sign from my parking space. How old were you when you got Andy Richter, the show? Well, 34. 34? Yeah, 34, 35. Where'd you come from? You said that was from Illinois or no?

No, that was, I had, I went from Chicago to, well, we did a show called The Real Life Brady Bunch in Chicago. They went to New York, then LA. Then I was with Conan from 93 to 2000. And then I came out here to do Andy Rick, to do Andy Richter controls the universe. Wow. Um, and you stayed since, and I stayed since. Yeah. But I, after it was canceled, which like hurt me way more than I was willing to admit, like really kind of fucked me up. Wow. And, and I, there was, and also too, it was like, it just kind of coincided too

with, uh, 9-11 and the, the hit that the economy took. And there had been a threatened strike of some kind, writer's strike or whatever. So they had like pushed a bunch of production through. So right when the show got canceled, there was just nothing happening. And I didn't work for like 10 months. And I had a, I had a kid that, you know, like I drive to daycare and stuff or to preschool. And instead of, you know, going and writing a screenplay or whatever, I'd go to Roosevelt in, in Griffith park and work on my golf game. That's good. Like a genius. That's good too. Yeah. Cause that's really where the fucking, that's where the money is. That's where the money is.

That's where you get all the good ideas. Yeah, yeah. Actually, but it depends on if you golf with some people that are in the business, maybe something falls in your lap. That's what I tell myself. Usually what happened was is I would golf with old Korean men who would give me a tip that made a difference, where I'd be like, you know, that would help me understand the golf swing.

Right. You know, that would help me understand the golf swing. You know, this, and it is, it does get to be a weird, a weird obsession of this one, this one very particular gesture that ideally should not change. And that you, and that you, and that there's like a dozen parts that can go wrong. And you're just trying to replicate this thing over and over and over uh and it it can be very like it can be a compulsion oh yeah and i definitely was it was a compulsion for a while um and then i did i got good and that was even better. I mean, I got like, you know, pretty good. And, but then I could never maintain it. So now it's over now. It's not over.

I was going to invite you golfing. I was like, let's go. Oh, I would love to play golf sometime. But I mean, but I have friends now that invite me to play golf. It's, it'll be better now because it's not school time. But like, because I got a kid to drive to school either in the morning or pick up in the afternoon. And you can't, you know, all my, everybody, I play mostly with Conan crew guys, and they're all out, you know, Moorpark and out there.

Chatsworth. Yeah. So it's like I can't drive to Moorpark and back, drive to Moorpark, play 18 holes and be there, you know, for a morning drop-off or an afternoon pick-up. We'll stay local. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do something local. But my daughter, my daughter's 16 now, so she she and she'll be able to drive herself from now on

so you're gonna buy her a car i already leased her a car yeah a nice car it is it's a i mean it's a it's a it's a a simple car but it's a volkswagen it's like a little volkswagen station wagon oh no it's a little volkswagen um suv it's called a taos and it's like the base model and it's a little Volkswagen SUV. It's called a Taos. And it's like the base model. And it's, you know, it wasn't very expensive. You did the right thing. She's really thrilled with it. I also, I got it for her mainly because I knew that if she finishes driving, you know, like, I got her AAA driver's lessons. And I knew that if she'd finished and then it was like, all right, let's go get your license, she would be like, can we go next week?

She just like because of the anxiety would have pushed it off. So I was like, if there's a car sitting outside the house, and that's when I gave her the car, which I – because my son, there was no point. You're not going to surprise him with a car. He's like, he gets his his license let's go get a car and my son also too he's so reasonable there was no I want this I want that

it's like what do you think about this safe Subaru Impreza it's cool is that what you wanted? yeah yeah yeah that's what I said this Subaru Impreza it's awesome I love it do you care it's not leather seats?

No. Don't give a shit. No. Yeah, yeah. When you're that age, you just want something that moves. No.

Well, some. Some. Some kids. I came from a place where like, someone bought, getting bought a car was insane. Like anybody,

I knew a couple of kids growing up that someone bought them, their parents bought them a car and I was like, holy fuck, they bought you a new car? Absolutely. That was crazy. We got, we bought a bought them a car, and I was like, holy fuck, they bought you a new car? Absolutely. That was crazy.

We bought a used car that my brother and I share, which was a 1973 Buick Century. Hey, Century moved, man. Buick made some good ones. No, it was a huge V8 engine. We had the Park Avenue. We had a LeSabre. We had a LaSalle.

Name a fucking Buick, we had it. Cutlass. We did have to, by the time we even got it, the vinyl seats were all crispy and broken. So we went to some cheap shit reupholstery place. It was always reupholstered. Crack, dash, and everything. Crack, dash. But it fucking went.

Those things were cruisers, man. But it was also, too, like, say this is the range of the accelerator. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Full on! Yeah. This is the range of the accelerator. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Full on!

So whenever we'd loan it to other kids, we'd have to be careful with the accelerator because it was like, whoa! Fuck, you know? It goes zero to holy fucking shit. We hit a pole. And the brakes were the same way. Just like all gush and then grab. And as hard as you can. Yeah, yeah. Did you learn stick when you were a kid?

I did. I did. I learned my aunt. Did you learn stick when you were a kid? I did. I learned my aunt got divorced and moved back to our hometown in her diesel Peugeot.

And I learned on a diesel Peugeot which a diesel car is like so forgiving. You can take off in third and it'll chug. It'll figure it out. It's not going to stall. It's going to go. Yeah, the car's like, this is not right. It's not going to stall.

It's going to go gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I had a few, I owned a few over the years. Like my first car was a, my first personal car was a Toyota pickup that All those little Toyota's were stick. Yeah. And the box was kind of showing. The cheapest one. Yeah, like the cheapest one, sure. But then, and then I had like a, my ex-wife called it a midlife crisis, but I got a Mini Cooper, John Cooper Works, which is like the souped up Mini Coopers. Oh, sure. And it had a six speed, or a five speed, I think.

That's not a midlife crisis. It was really fun. No, that's what I said. I said, no, this is just- That's like a Porsche or like a- This is a fun car. This is a fun car that's reasonably priced. It's not a midlife crisis. It was really fun. No, that's what I said. I said, no, this is a fun car. This is a fun car that's reasonably priced. It's not, you know. But I did have to get rid of it when my daughter got big enough.

Because there's five years between my kids and my daughter. And also, my ex-wife had the big family car. So it's like I'm going to and from work mostly. Why don't I? I could just have a little car. Right. But then my daughter got to the point where she could kick me in the back of the head car so it's like i'm going to and from work mostly why don't i i could just have a little car right but then my daughter got to the point where she could kick me in the back of the head because i had to keep the seat so far back it's like okay i gotta you gotta switch it up i gotta get a grown

up car now so if you ever did have a midlife crisis yeah what's the thing you would splurge and buy that's ridiculous if you were ever gonna have that moment of fucking, what am I doing? Did you ever have something? No, no. I've always been pretty reasonable. I mean, like, I – and certainly, you know, my ex-wife and I were married for seven years before we had kids, and I made a good living. So we bought shit. You bought a lot of bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. Like I would, I would, you know, I would make the joke. I'd say, you know, um,

you know, most of my money or most of my money is, uh, I put it into small electronics, which just meant I bought shit. I just bought a bunch of bullshit. Yeah. They're like, Oh, you have Apple stock. No, no, no, no, no. I just have, I have four cameras, you know? Yeah. I have six watches or just dumb shit like that. And then you have kids and you don't do that anymore. And you look back on it and think, that was dumb. Jesus Christ. I could have put in some of that.

I could still have some of that money now. What would you do with it now? I would have, you know, well, now I would buy a house of my own because I live in a rented house because I got divorced and we still are holding on to our family house until my daughter gets out of high school. Right. So, I mean, I could swing buying a house, although it's a terrible market to buy a house in, and I could swing it and do it and then have nothing. Like, like literally like not be able to go to Chicago to visit my family.

Right. Just because the money would be spread so thin and so on liquid. Um, but in terms of like, I would, I would love to have a boat. That would be probably, I would like to have a midlife crisis. And that's, yeah. And it is like a thing that's like you really got to be devoted to the boat. You got to be a boat guy. Yeah, it's like buying a family or something that, you know, you have to visit it.

You have to clean it. You know, you have to make sure that it stays out of the storms and stuff. And you got to fix it all the time. Yeah. So much repair. Well, and the shit too is like it's always amazing to me because I like to fish. Well, and the shit too is like, it's always amazing to me because I like to fish. And every time you go fishing to someone, you realize they have to, you take a boat on the ocean, you have to hose that entire motherfucker down.

There's like an hour and a half of work. They haven't figured that out though. They haven't figured out a way to like make it so you don't have to do that. I don't, I guess not. See, I just like cars don't rust like they used to. Salt is so corrosive. Yeah. I know, but they figured, cars don't rust like they used to because they figured out

a lot of ways to like plate it so it doesn't. Right, right. You tell me boats can't do that? But I guess because it's a floaty thing. It's a ocean. It's a floaty thing.

Yeah. And the ocean is pretty serious business. I know. Boats, I always love being on a boat. I like, there's a comedy club

in Madison, Wisconsin, the Comedy on State's run by this amazing family and they have a fun little boat and they took us out last time on their boat when I was up there doing shows. And the whole time, my buddy, Chris O'Connor, who I was with was like, dude, we should go somewhere where we can get it. Like you can get a boat, like you should buy. And I was like, yeah, this is being on someone else's boat. Heavenly. Yes. Being on your own boat, anxiety, stress, anxiety. It's a nightmare.

Absolutely. Anytime you have a boat, you can tell they're always like, guys, it's always, it's like when you host a party and someone's like, are you having fun? You're like, no, you're at my fucking house. I'm cooking. This is a nightmare. I'm cooking. I'm thinking about shit all the time. I might have one beer when I, and it's over and you're gone. And then I'll be bummed. Cause I found out that, you know, I've got to go get more propane because you ran out. You know what I mean? Exactly. Yeah, no, it's not a – being on other boats, phenomenal.

Having your own boat, everyone I know is always like, it's a fucking headache. Yeah, yeah. You know what I would have, though? What? A WaveRunner. Yeah, those are pretty fun. Oh, my God.

Those are pretty fun. And those you don't need to do shit to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if they break, you're like, yeah, what are you going to do? It's a fucking WaveRunner. I do get, like, what are you going to do? It's a fucking wave. I do get nervous. There is something about going that fast

over the ocean, over waves, where I get like, no. You get nervous. Yeah, yeah. Do you feel like if you fall in,

you're going to die? Something like that. Yeah. I'm not, yeah, it's weird because I love being on the ocean, but being in the ocean

is terrifying to me. That's funny because I'm the opposite. Really? I'd rather be in the water than on the boat. Oh, wow. Because I feel for some reason I'm like, I'd rather be that on that thing feels like something bad can happen, but I'm in there.

I'm like, what's really going to, so the shark's going to get me, I guess. Right, right, right. But is it though? Yeah, yeah. Maybe. Yeah, but if the boat goes down, you'll be in your sweet spot. That's exactly right. You've bulletproofed the whole thing. Let's sink this thing. They is it, though? Yeah, yeah. Maybe. Yeah, but if the boat goes down, you'll be in your sweet spot. That's exactly right.

You bulletproofed the whole thing. Let's sink this thing. They're like, what are you doing? I'm just digging a hole in the middle of the boat. I'm more comfortable this way. I like it when it sinks. You've seen those videos of spring break or whatever, and there's one famous one that's gone viral many a times

of a crew of hot women on a speedboat. And the guy's got his glasses and his hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and they're cruising by. And then they hit a bump and everybody does this. And they hit another bump. And then they hit one. They all fly.

So violent. It's like the camera goes out. It's like and their heads all smash. And it goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I think of on boats. And also, too, like the aftermath of that is they're all getting up. They're going from being hot influencers to being like, ow!

Right. You know? See, that's what jackass, that's what Johnny Knoxville was missing, was that whole premise was watch people get hurt, but hot people getting hurt is so much funnier. Do you know what I mean? like regular looking people is fine but I want a show where it's really beautiful people getting fucked up

then I'm tuned in because if a normal looking person gets hurt you're like oh that's funny but it also looks painful to see those guys get kicked in their car like when that goose flew in Fabio's face on that rollercoaster if that had been I don't know, pick anybody if that had been like Like when that goose flew in Fabio's face on that roller coaster. Amazing. If that had been, I don't know, pick anybody.

If that had been like, you know, Regis Philbin, well, no, that actually would be so pretty good. Funny again. But let's, okay, let's, I don't know who. Just pick someone like. Anybody on the evening news here. Yeah. Or like a baseball player. Sure. You know, just, you know.

A normal baseball player. Yeah, a normal average, you know, baseball. You know, like Ryan Sand know. A normal baseball player. Yeah, a normal average, you know, baseball, you know, like Ryan Sandberg. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. God bless.

I hope you never get hurt, Ryan. Ryan. By the way, it took me my whole life to know it was Ryan, not Ryan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because my dad

got me a picture of him that he had signed at like a conference that my dad went to and he gave it to me. By the way, dad, you still owe that to me. It's in his basement and it's framed and I'm like, isn't that he had signed at like a conference that my dad went to. And he gave it to me. By the way, dad, you still owe that to me. It's in his basement and it's framed.

And I'm like, isn't that mine? He's like, it's mine. I'm like, didn't you give it to me? Fucker. Fucker, that's what I say to him. But it's Ryan Sandberg. And I, for years, thought it was Ryan. I thought it was like Norwegian shit.

Ryan. Yeah, yeah, Ryan. But also your name is Ryan, so cut it out. At some point you should have just changed it to Ryan. Just changed it, right, right. One of the greatest copiesbies of all time. Yeah. But forever now, if I do sell this show of hot people getting hurt brutally,

it'll be presented by Andy Richter and Andrew Santino. Oh, that'd be great. That'd be great. We should host a show where we watch people get hurt brutally, but they're beautiful. Yes, yes. Scorgeous. And who's hurting them?

Ugly people. And one that I always love is that when they go like, they're fine, though. Everyone was fine. Like, they always have to say that so you can't feel bad. Nobody died. But then there's some, the really cheap shit shows, they don't, you know, there's some where they don't say that. Yeah.

You know, it's like. What happened? You see people, like, fall off a roof and then like, ooh, that's gotta hurt. Anyway, coming up next. It's like then like, ooh, that's got to hurt. Anyway, coming up next. It's like, oh, yeah, that person's dead. Grass is soft. Yeah. Let's go to commercial.

Yeah, whenever I see that kind of – whenever you see people getting hurt on those shows and they cut away. And like Just for Laughs used to have that where they show people getting hurt and they're like, ooh. They do wacky sounds. But you're like, I think that guy broke his neck. And they're like, ooh. It's like, no, no., I think that guy broke his neck. And they're like, whoop. It's like, no,

no, he's, his spine is, is inside of his asshole now. Yeah. But God bless. If we can tell a show about people getting hurt, uh,

to, you know, if anybody's watching, any executives wants to buy it, um, please let us know. There's a lot of executives watching this show. Tons. Tons.

Do you feel, do you feel, uh, a sense of like more freedom or relief now that the show is done? No. No, not really. You know, it was weird because I definitely— So much of your life. It was so much of my life, and I'm a bitch. You know, like I am—

That's the name of this episode, by the way. Yeah. No, I mean I can be a real malcontent and I can get bored very easily. And, I mean, for me to have done one thing for so long, I would never have guessed. Like I liked the freelance aspect. Like when I got out of college and I worked in film production in Chicago, I immediately was like, oh, I like this freelance thing

because it's always different places and different faces. Right. You know, there's this constant change. So it was kind of, and I also too wanted to be an actor. I didn't necessarily want to be myself. So it was kind of a, you know,

it wasn't like what I thought I was going to end up doing. I mean, obviously it was fantastic and it gave me a life and a career. But there were definitely times when I would get itchy and I would get antsy and I would get bored. I mean, like the first time when I left the first time in 2000, that was just kind of like, I was just kind of bored. I just felt like I'm going to, I wasn't doing anything different. And I also too, I was younger, my kids weren't older. In fact, I didn't even have kids at that point. I think my ex-wife was pregnant with our first

right at that time. But so I still had this kind of of, let's see what I can do outside of this thing. But then going back to work for him on The Tonight Show, I was happy to do that because I had been developing and developing is just like pearls before fucking swine. Yeah, it's sad.

It's just annoying and it takes so long and you just end up hating every idea that you have because they make you look at it for so long and read and, you know, configure it a different ways until you just hate it and you're bored with it and you want to move on. And that was a good idea when I had it. Right. So I was really happy to go back to making TV for that day, like thinking of something in the morning and putting it on TV that night with very little interruption from anybody, anybody. Yeah. Um, but I would, like I say, I would get bored. I would get antsy. I would

get like, I want to, you know, I even, there was a point at one time where, and I didn't seek it out, but, um, there was a pilot that came to me and like it was an ensemble cast. And like Eva Longoria was the star of this thing. And I said, sure. And I, you know, I went to Conan and I know he was upset about it, but I was like, hey, I'm going to go do this because, you know, if I can do this sitcom and they hire me, I'm going to need to go do this sitcom. But that's kind of more what I want to do anyway. And I also too will make a lot more money. I'll make a lot more money. Right. Um, I mean, I was well paid, but it was, you know, not the same as what it would be if

you were on any other show for 11 years. Right. You know what I mean? Um, but then the way that it ended was the way COVID hit and then we kind of were at home and then we moved into Largo and at first he was in Largo by himself. Yeah. And then I kind of slowly came and then we were there for, I don't know, like almost a year or something. And there was like eight, nine people there making a show every day. And it was just so much fun. And, and he and I got to spend a lot of uninterrupted, like just lazy, smooth, casual time together. That was really nice. So it was kind of the perfect way for it to go out. Cause, and also too, it, it changed the framework of it.

It wasn't like if we just stayed in that studio and there'd been no pandemic and the show just kind of petered out, that would have been a bummer. We have been sad. Yeah. So this was more sort of like the circumstances had changed. And I mean, and I don't know for, for a fact that if there had been no COVID that we wouldn't have ended. But it's probably, you know, it was kind of time. It happened when it was supposed to happen.

Yeah, and TBS is, you know, just TBS is kind of petering. Just everything is petering out. And nobody's watching, you know, the numbers that like the Tonight Show gets. This show probably gets the same. It's crazy. It's wild. Just the numbers that television in general gets is just, it's so small. And it's, I don't, nobody knows how to make money off it anymore.

Right. There's so many other things to watch. So I was sad to see it go. watch. Um, so I was, I was sad to see it go. And I was, but I was also really proud of kind of the way that the way that we went out and kind of looking back on things and, and the amount of kind of nice things that people said about the show and about my contribution to it. It was really nice. I'm really, you know, there's a lot of things that I can do now that I didn't have a lot of time for. Like I directed some television commercials with a company in Chicago,

actually, from all people that I worked with when I worked on commercials. And I've maintained, you know, friendships with some people and directed some. So, I mean, I have more time to do that if I get off my ass and do it. And I mean, you know, and I have more time to act, you know, if the fucking phone rings. But it's just it's all I ever hear is, oh, it's so dead right now. It's so dead right now. That's my favorite phrase when they say that to me,

when the agents are like, yeah, we're out there fishing. I mean, there's not a lot of coming through on the thing and you're like really because i feel like is the rock doing nine movies this this week yeah isn't there like a security guard role and there's gotta be some bullshit thing i can snap into and they're like i don't know yeah you wouldn't want any of that stuff yeah you're like yes i do yeah yes i fucking do yeah give me the thing where i walk up and go you guys aren't allowed to be over here and then i walk away right right exactly that was uh you know al magical don't you know him yeah al uses it when we did i'm dying up here together

on showtime he used to say all the time i'm trying to be fourth banana brown guy and he would say that all the time he go give me fourth banana brown guy where I walk into a sitcom and I'm eating something and he goes, and I break the scene by going, we're out of hot water and then I leave and he's like,

if I can be fourth banana brown guy on a sitcom, he always loved saying that and then sure enough, he's had a great fucking career which the irony is staggering because he was like, I just want to get on a show

where I don't have to do shit. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, no you don't. Yeah. But he was always fishing for that. He's like, I would tell my agents, can you find me the, I come and I go. No one really knows that I'm there.

I don't gain a bunch of traction from it, but it doesn't hurt me. It's just a steady check. Yeah. He's like, that's what I wanted for years, which is a lie because Al, obviously, fucking, you know, his movie was with fucking ben affleck and shit i was like shut up out yeah fucking you want the thing everybody wants everybody wants everybody wants part of the thing yeah i yeah a manageable as you get older you realize you don't want the full thing well the full thing is what a nightmare oh you know because then you gotta you know then

you have to deal with all the then you have to deal with like them uh making you whatever that like they create who you become in a public fashion, which you're like, that's not who I am. They're like, you are to us. Yeah. Uh, the phrase, I don't even know who said it, but someone said to me, you are who they say you are, which means you are Andy Richter is your own being the way you feel about things, but who they say you are to them is you regardless of what they find about you. Anyway, they're like yeah but you're still xyz to us right right which is unfortunate but it's part of the business it's part of the giving ourself for entertainment yeah which is strange it's very odd there and there's

you know the the part that you know about and the part that you think about before you do it, like acting in movies and, you know, being in a movie and people knowing who you are and then getting more movies and or getting TV shows and getting to be funny. And even some of it, you know, like going on talk shows and stuff, like it all seems fun and stuff, but there's so much extra shit that you have to do and that you're expected to do. And that, you know, like, heaven forbid you are in something where it's up for awards. Like, when I first started having friends that kind of were coming close to like Oscar contention. That's wild.

The fucking like parties and dinners and you have to campaign for it like you're running for office. Yeah. And if you don't, you're a traitor to the cause. Like if you're like, okay, yeah, I did a good job in that, but I don't really care. cause like if you're like okay yeah i did a good job in that but i don't really care say i don't care about you know getting an oscar so i don't want to go to 15 different dinners and you know kiss up to and they're like you know whatever lot being journalists or whatever you know uh and and you know and it's like well we're. You know, it would really help the movie. It would really help the movie to do that.

Right, that pressure is daunting. I don't think I want any of that. And I have said I'm nowhere near winning any kind of award, so I'm fine. But if it even were to come down that route, I don't think I would. I think I'd be like, I don't know if I want it. It would be real, you know, I mean. You got to kind of do some of it. Yeah.

Like we were on, the Conan show won a posthumous Writers Guild Award, which was really nice. That's nice. The last Writers Guild, we won the Writers Guild Award, which we were not expecting at all. And that's really nice because that's like, you know, like really from your peers. And that's really nice because that's like really from your peers and the writing of that show was such an important part of that show and a big chunk of its identity since the fucking main guy is a comedy writer. That was like – that's where he came from. When you think about winning an Emmy, it's like, oh, man, I had one of the best fucking showbiz experiences. Or just perfect showbiz experience when it comes to this. My aunt and uncle lived out here.

My aunt has passed away since, but they lived here. They lived in Long Beach, and they were getting from being people, adults that could live on their own to people that needed help. And I had to help them with that transition and got them into assisted living. And then the assisted living where they were became untenable so we had to look at other places so i i have spent i i know a lot about the assisted living facilities in about a 50 mile radius and having and i've toured a number of them and there was this one particular honestly uh belmont village it's a chain and they're very nice they're very nice shout out to belmont village yeah the belmont owner is going a chain, and they're very nice. They're very nice. Shout out to Belmont Village.

Yeah. The Belmont owner is going, yes. Yeah, their pricing, everything's a la carte. So it can get pricey. If you say, yeah, sure, I'd like to have someone come in here and help me organize my pills, that's like wealth. $12,000. Yeah, that'll be $1,200. Right, right, right. For today.

So I was touring this kind of shabby little one. I won't say where. But it was like just a warehouse. Just like a big walk-in, and it's just this big open room. Fox News, deafeningly loud. And then just like old people staring off into space. Tucker Carlson yelling. Just a warehouse. Are Jews real?

Everyone's just drooling. And the woman and the people that sell it to you, they're like realtors. They're like, let's show you. Here's a pamphlet. So we're walking around and she's all chipper and all this.

And then we walk by a woman sitting in a hallway staring absolutely into space. And we stop for a second and she points to her as if she's pointing to a potted plant and goes, three-time daytime Emmy winner. Oh, my God. At like a completely like comatose human being. Three-time, daytime Emmy winner. And she's like that. And she turns just for one noise.

And she goes, no. She just didn't even register. Three-time, daytime Emmy winner. Three-time, daytime Emmy winner. Like that pitch was going to sell you. I was like, I need to sit down. I need to sit down and stare for a while myself. Did that give you a little bit of foresight?

Is that what that feels like? It felt a little bit like, oh, nothing means anything. See that guy at that bus stop shitting himself? That's Andy Richter. Do you remember Andy Richter? Andy! Yeah. What?

I'm still shitting. I'm busy. But that is kind of a microcosm of the business is like, you can't take yourself that serious kind of the, that's kind of a microcosm of the business is like, you can't take yourself that serious. Cause this thing, you're just going to be a drooling daytime, three time, daytime Emmy winner in a thing anyway.

So might as well fuck it off and have fun. That's why I think all that stuff is bullshit. Yeah. The fucking, you know, the whole like, I don't know the, the,

this, this self jerking off of each other. Like, Oh, we're so great. Cut it out. This is fake. This is fake.

It's for fun. We're supposed to make people laugh and feel good and goof around. Right. And it's a scam. It's a scam. It's a scam. It's a scam.

We get paid to do this? It's a scam. That's ridiculous. I was doing a bit about that on stage for a while that I melded into something else about how I believe everyone either does a scam or bullshit. So you're either a scam artist or you're doing something that's actually bullshit. And then occasionally someone will throw in something where they're like, you know, I help kids with disabilities and I'm like, okay, we need you. That's also bullshit, but we need you.

We do need you, but everything is fucking, is bullshit. I've taken it less and less serious as I've gotten older in it because I used to get so emotionally attached to it. And, you know, like when shows got canceled that I did, every show I've ever done got canceled, either first season or second. And so I used to be like, fuck, man. What the fuck? Is this how it always goes?

And at some point, I guess maybe I grew up enough to go, yeah, whatever, man. It's gone out of your control, you know, you're alive. You're, you know, it's working barely, but it's working. So just to cap off with your three. So I know where you're from. I know kind of where you're going. I'm stealing your format, you know, but what have you learned? Do I know where I'm going?

That's the thing is, uh, I don't, I'm not quite sure where I'm going. I really am. I mean, I, but isn't that, that's probably nice. It's the thing is, I don't, I'm not quite sure where I'm going. I really am. I mean, I, but isn't that, that's probably nice. It's, it's fun.

It's scary, but it is kind of fun. You know, I mean, yeah, I mean, I did, you know,

the Conan show, I, I got, I, you know, I was married for 25 years and we split up and then the Conan show ended

and now I'm kind of like at a point where it's like, I, I don't know. But you're free. Kind, yeah, free like at a point where it's like i i don't know but you're free kind yeah free-ish you know i mean i don't want to change making you go you need to you have no no no but i mean but i mean i do i'm free but i you know i still have kids that i want to be here for and i you know and i still have bills to pay and you know you don't have to pay them i stopped paying all these fucking things years ago. Oh, yeah.

And they call, oh, you have to pay. Where are you? Yeah, good luck. Yeah, yeah. I'm not me. I'm my roommate. Roommates. One of my roommates.

Hang up the phone. Did he say S? Is there many people living there? But then if you don't know where you're going is kind of good. That's okay. It's okay. What have you learned? I'm stealing from you're going is kind of good. That's okay. It's okay. What have you learned? I'm stealing from you.

I like it so much. Yeah. What have I learned? Honestly, well, I mean, there's all different ones. Because, like, I have different things that, that like i'm not a big slogan guy but like i there are things that i've like told my kids like work for peace is one that i work for peace work for peace which means mostly in your personal life like are you for war are you for peace like with the people in your in your life are you are you working towards a peaceful coexistence where you both

appreciate and love each other for who you are or are you trying to win something? So that's one I try to keep in mind. Get better is another one. There's no like get perfect. There's just get better.

Yeah, perfect's impossible. Because I have seen people who achieved their dream and then they're like, whoa, perfect there's just get better yeah perfect impossible yeah just and that because i have seen people who achieved their dream and then they're like whoa fuck you know now i gotta live the rest of my life what do i do now yeah and so it's if you make if you make your goal a process it's much better um but one that's you know and i, it's easy for me to say, cause I'm a white man in a white man's world. I didn't assume by the way. But be nice.

Yeah. Be nice. Just be nice. Don't be an asshole. Just, if you got, if you got shit, keep it in your bucket. Don't slosh your bucket on anybody else. All right. You know, like everybody's got their own thing.

Keep it, cause, and I, cause I see this so much in workplaces and like on sets where people, it's like grown adults that need four people to tend to them at all times. It's just like – to me, it's just – and as I get older, it just gets more and more infuriating where it's like you're not a baby. There are real babies in the world. You're not a baby. There are real babies in the world. You're not a baby. You're a grownup. Why do you need so many people to be tending to you at all times? Why do you need to stop the day so that everyone listens to you for just one second when really the only point of what you're doing here,

it isn't because you don't know what your motivation is or because someone's been stepping on your line. It's because you just want everyone to stop and you want it all to be about you for just a moment or two. So you can go, delicious. Oh, that was all about me. Okay. Continue. You know, uh, it makes me bananas. It drives me crazy. And it's just like, oh, just, just, you know, it's so easy to be nice to people. Yeah. I had, you know, just the stories that I hear about, like, I don't want to, you know, an actor, like a third AD told me, you know, who was in charge of the, you know, like the home base charge of the home base, where the trailers were, got the star of the movie out of his trailer, walked his dog, picked up his dog shit, got him out of the trailer, sometimes with an umbrella, got him into a van, got him back into his trailer, used an umbrella, for six weeks, and he never said a word to her. Never said one, like, good morning.

How are you? Didn't bother to learn her name. Didn't just, and I just, I'm just. Jason Bateman, you're a piece of shit. You're a fucking piece of shit. Bateman would have known her birthday and, you know, like what her mother did for a living. No, Bateman would. No, no. Bateman would have known her birthday and, you know, like what her mother did for a living.

No, Bateman would have been all over that. No, I like saying bad things about him because he's a golf buddy and I do like talking shit on this show about him. He's also just one of the

most fun people to make fun of. Yeah, he's awesome. Well, because he's so, he's handsome and he's good at everything. Right, right, right. He's a fucking loser.

Fuck you, Bateman. Like he'll ever see this. Matt Walsh is another one. Matt Walsh is just making fun of Matt Walsh. Because he's the best. Oh, he's just the best. He's one of me, by the way. And he is?

He's a scumbag, genetic freak. He is, he is. But what I took from that, what truly was, it's a lot, the bucket thing I liked. Don't let your bucket slosh on other people that's great yeah

just fucking dump it out when you get home right hit your wife that's what you're saying or your husband yes I'm not a sexist

no no hit each other hit the shit out of each other you know it's interesting that you say this honestly because we we end the show the same way every time I have you look into your camera

alright and I usually say you say one word or one phrase we end the show the same way every time. I have you look into your camera. All right. And I usually say you say one word or one phrase to end the episode. And you've kind of done that organically with a little phrasing. But look in your camera and say one word or one phrase. It'll be cemented in history forever for the rest of time as Andy Richter's last word or phrase. Because I did word for a while and people were like, I don't know, one word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they gave a phrase.

So whatever you say, whenever you're ready, you can do it. Okay. You go ahead. I like it greasy. In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.