Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jessica Kirson

Episode Date: June 24, 2022

Santino sits down with Jessica Kirson to chat about fat camp, coming out in North Hampton, old people on zoom, their hall passes, and much much more. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast ======================================================== ROMAN Get your T up dudes and $15 off your first month and FREE SHIPPING https://getroman.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey DAD GRASS A Variety of CBD products. Get 20% off your first order https://dadgrass.com/whiskey Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #jessicakirson #podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey done say. It was when I was in New York with Jessica Kersten. She is so funny, so quick, so fast, so beautiful, so amazingly talented. Go check her

out. She's running around the country, so go see her live, because she is so beyond funny. I'm not touring anymore, until I shoot a special, hopefully. But, next Tuesday, the 28th, June 28th, Tuesday, we're doing Bad Friends Live. My other show, me and Robert E. Lee are doing Bad Friends Live. Go to momenthouse.com slash badfriends, momenthouse.com slash badfriends. It'll be in the description below as well to watch the bad friends live show. We're doing a live 6 p.m. Pacific, of course, 9 p.m. If you're on the East

ghost, baby. That's all from me until I get back on the road. I love you. Thank you so much for the support. Leave a comment down below for the Al go rhythm. Tell a friend, spread the word. That's how we keep the show moving along. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. Whiskey is $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know if they say that, but one of my guests when I meet him once again today is Jessica Carson.

Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. Now, we were talking about eating box before we started rolling, but let's keep it going. We've never met in person. I know. This is our first time. I know. That's why you're like, she's my favorite person. I know, this is our first time. I know, that's why you're like,

she's my favorite person. I get that out every show. Oh, okay. Because I want you to feel like you might be one of my favorite people. I think I might be, because we have like this connection. You are so cute in person. Thank you.

I've said that five times and I only have met you for five minutes, but you're adorable. Well, I'll say it. I've jerked off to your Instagram. You have? Once. No, you did not.

I didn't come. I didn't come, but I, I'll say it. I've jerked off to your Instagram. You have? Once. No, you did not. I didn't come. I didn't come, but I did jerk off to it. That's one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my whole life. I couldn't. I couldn't come. It was just one of those days

where I was- Do you know how hard that just made me laugh? I've jerked off to my own Instagram. Have you ever heard? Yeah. Have you ever jerked off to yourself? Yes, I have.

I fisted myself to my own bat mitzvah footage. Is that weird? Did you? No. Yes, that's kind of hot though. I've cut myself to my bat mitzvah. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

What an interesting group of people the Jews are. Yeah, yeah. Interesting is the word that I'm supposed to say because all the stuff I used to say, I got in trouble for. I know, I can tell you're anti-Semitic because I was on a text exchange with you and Chris and some stuff came out. Do you want me to show you the swastika tattoo

that I've got back here? Do you want me to show you mine? And I'm Jewish. Imagine if mine's bigger than yours though. No, mine's the whole size of my ass. You have a swastika on your butt? The whole- My entire ass is a swastika

and my asshole is Hitler's mouth. Isn't that weird? Every time I shit, so funny. Every time I shit, I scream out, get on the train. It's so crazy. I have so much trauma. I never met my great grandparents. There's so much going on. Anyway, let's just talk. I was on a text exchange with you and Chris. And me, you and Chris were on a text exchange when I was landing in the airport. And the first thing you sent was, you said, Zieg Heil.

That was how you said hello. I said hello to you. I've never spoken to you before. Zieg Heil. Yeah, I know. That was the hello. And I got it. And I understood it.

Yeah. I sent you a couple of Seinfeld gifs. Yeah. You know. I know. That was so, it was so creative, actually. But we have a mutual love for Chris because, and what is it really?

What is it about Chris that we're both attracted to? Well, Chris is gay. So he and I talk a lot privately, but I shouldn't have just said that. No, no, no. He is gay. He is gay. Yeah.

And that's okay. Do you guys ever have a thing go on? No, you know what's so funny? He's not my type. What's your type? Like Richard Simmons kind of? No, I'm more of like a, I'd want a Tom Hardy.

Oh. I'd want a guy. Yeah. If I was going to fuck a guy, I'd want a guy. I don't want to fuck like a, Chris is a, you know, he's too much of like a-

He's too femme. He's like a lava lamp though. His body is just too like, you know, it's too plumpy. He's hilly putty. Yeah. I want a tight guy. Every time I hug him, I'm like, you got to work out. Because I work out a lot. So I too like, you know, it's too plumpy. He's hilly putty. Yeah. I want a tight guy. If every time I hug him, I'm like, you gotta work out.

Cause I work out a lot. So I'm like, do you want to come to the gym with me? I'll train you. He won't. No, I mean, I want to, you know, I can teach him how to do burpees and all kinds of things. When you go to the gym, what do you really do? What's your group?

Oh, I lift a lot. You lift more than, do you do cardio at all or no? Of course, I mean, look at me. I do a ton of cardio. No, you're in good shape. Thank you so much. I'm very svelte. Do you know cardio at all or no? Of course. I mean, look at me. I do a ton of cardio. No, you're in good shape. Thank you so much. I'm very svelte. Do you know what that means?

Svelte is a Jewish word that means healthy. Healthy. Yeah. Well, I'm very toned and I don't have a lot of body fat. You're fucking tight. Yeah. I'm also, you know, I'm Asian and I also- Which kind?

Which Asian? Do you, that's kind of racist. Sure. What you just asked. Yeah. Well, that's the show. You're admitting? Oh, okay.'s kind of racist. Sure. What you just asked. Yeah. Well, that's the show. You're admitting?

Oh, okay. I'm so glad I came. I didn't know that's what this was about. Yeah, this is mostly a racist show. That's why I have her on the show, just in case anything gets out of control. She can- Oh, I was wondering why you would have an Asian person running the whole thing.

Because I- She's not Asian. She's native. Oh. She's indigenous. What are you? She's Ecuadorian. Oh, native. Oh. She's indigenous. What are you? She's Ecuadorian. Oh, I didn't.

Oh, you are? See, who's the racist one now? Well, I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't like look at her and try to- Look at all the things you're knocking off. Racist, gay, Jewish. Well, I think gay people are disgusting.

Don't you? You are? She's bi too. That's amazing. You're beautiful. Stop. Don't hit on You are? She's bi too. That's amazing. You're beautiful. Stop. Don't hit on her on my show. I'm not hitting on her.

Don't hit her on my show. I'm married. I don't hit on anyone. How long have you been married? Can you imagine if it was like too long? You know, like what people say in the audience. So disgusting. I've been married for, God, I kind of blocked it out.

I've been married for seven years. Do kind of blocked it out. I've been married for seven years. Do you celebrate anniversaries or fuck that? Well, we have tried the past couple of years and it usually ends in an argument. Really? Because we have young kids. Oh. Yeah.

Because they get in the way of celebration. Well, they get in the way of everything. But I mean, I just thank God they're around because they'll take care of me when I'm older. That's kind of how I look at it. Do you think that's one of the main reasons? Plus they're all attractive, thank God. All your kids are good looking?

Yeah, it would be very hard if they weren't. Is one of them? No, they're all, I'm not kidding. If you look at my Instagram or anything, they're all really attractive. Well, I have four daughters. Have you been honest with them? None of them are fat.

Really? No, they won't be fat. Have you been honest with them about which one is the best looking? Well, they're from two baby mamas. Sure. The first is from my ex and she's going to be 16. Rest in peace.

No, she didn't pass. Oh, she's not gone. Not yet. Not that they know. Well, no, she's still alive. Okay. I mean, I don't know if she will be tomorrow, but she's alive now.

By the time this comes out, she could be gone. She may be. Do you have a relationship with her or not? Yes. All right. She's a good, okay. Yeah.

And she, my daughter, Zoe, is gorgeous. She's going to be 16. She's an actress. Just filmed a pilot. She's amazing. Wow. Yeah. She's very thin.

Thank God. Very thin. Yeah. They're not going to get fat. They can't get fat. Do you put that on them a little bit? Are you like, you guys better not get fucking porky. Yeah, they better not get fat.

One of them, one of the twins who's, they just turned three yesterday has a fat lab. She's a fat lab, so we don't feed her. But she, we don't, we haven't fed her since last Tuesday. So she, I think she lost the weight. That's fine. She put on, she put on like a half a pound. What's wrong with fasting your children?

No, yeah. That's a fast. I mean, we were fast in the half a pound. What's wrong with fasting your children? No, yeah. That's a fast. I mean, we were fast in the Holocaust. So I feel like they can go through it. Right. And they'll deal with it. Right. You know?

Fasting a kid doesn't seem to be that bad. I'm not going to end up in a ditch like my great grandparents. No chance. You just got tense. Well, because I thought, I just had an image of it. I just popped into my, I saw what it looked like. What, just the bones? Just how deep the ditch was.

I mean, I don't know. How was it? Well, they, you know, had a lot to put in there. Yeah. Well, so they say, you know, that's the rumor.

Did it happen? Do you not believe it happened? Did it happen, though? I've seen no proof. Did you bring up footage or did that? Can she cut to footage? Because I think

this is a comedy podcast, right? Yeah. So I think if you put up footage of the ditch. Can you imagine if we go to break, we're going to go to break real fast. We put up a, a la cause footage.

Oh my God. If you could just go to like every every time we just go on a break, just put all the bodies being thrown in the ditches, that would be really enlightening. It's funny because this is going to come back to bite me. Me having fun with you and joking, this will be taken out of context and executive will be like,

can you believe he was fucking, he was saying this? And they'll go, I don't know. She might've been joking, but he definitely was not joking. Yeah, you'll get canceled and I'll get like- Promoted. Right, you'll get a show out of it.

Talking to an anti-Semite, you'll get a fucking- I'm gonna go like this. Could you? Now they cut, they clip this. Fuck, they're gonna clip this and they'll cut this up. You hate Jews. I'm just gonna keep doing that throughout the whole thing. Just interject at any point.

When I'm like, so tell me about- You're a Nazi. I'm just gonna keep screaming stuff like that through the whole thing. Just interject at any point. When I'm like, so tell me about- You're a Nazi! I'm just going to keep screaming stuff like that through the whole thing. No, I couldn't have been. The Irish and the Italians. No, none of us, we were too busy being broke, weird scumbags.

We kind of were, I come from two really poor classless groups of people. So I married an Irish Italian woman. Really? Father's Irish, mom's Italian. Are you Irish and Italian? Swap though. My dad's Sicilian.

My mother is Irish. Wow. She's a little Irish girl. He's a big old Sicilian. I love that. Yeah. But we come from nothingness. Like I asked about like,

cause you know, when you meet people and you're like, oh my God, their grandfather invented the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or whatever. And you're like, that's amazing. I was like, mom, do we have anybody in our family that like did a thing? And she's like, what do you mean?

They like they came over here and they got jobs. I was like, yeah, but did anybody like make it or like do something? She's like, no, baby, no. Look at us. What do you mean? Like, we don't, we're not, we're so, we come from so much nothingness. It's almost shocking. No one did anything. They came over here. they got bad jobs, they worked for the city,

and then they made us. I was like, nothing happened. But you did something. I worked, it worked out. It worked out okay. Yeah. You're like the big, I'm like, I'm the one guy. The only other person in our family that like had a, um, my grandmother's brother, Joe, worked at a car dealership, then saved money, then opened his own little car dealership and then bought the guy that he used to work for. And at one point had like two of the biggest Ford dealerships in Chicagoland at one point. Oh, really?

Yeah. Which these stories will never exist again. You're like, oh, I started at the bottom and then I bought the coffee shop. That's never gonna. That means now that's nothing. What'd you do on TikTok? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Did you, did you show your butthole? Did you show your butthole on TikTok and could it, could it dance? Is there a dance that your asshole does on TikTok? What dance did your asshole do on TikTok? Is it, this is going to be our future though. It might as well strap in.

Huh? The renegade shuffling forward with your tush? Are you on TikTok? Other than getting standup clips? Yes. But do you do other stuff? My standup clips are crowd work. So that's the thing that I do that's different. Yeah.

It's all crowd work. No, I know, I like it. But do you do clips that aren't standup on there? Do you ever do some other shit? Yeah, I started to. What are you doing? Just like to camera, just, but I've always, see, I've been doing stuff on YouTube for years before most comics did.

Yeah. Which is like prank stuff. You know, I did mall shorts, like all kinds of hidden camera shit that most people didn't do. I'm talking about like 15 years ago. Did you build an audience from that? Yeah. Did it transfer over to like seeing you live or no? Yeah, it did.

From years ago. Yeah. I used to do like stuff in stores and crash into, you know, stuff on the street, like all that physical stuff, you know, like crazy. You don't do that now. I'm starting to. I actually am going to have someone start traveling with me

and taping me more doing on the street stuff. Because that's the stuff I'd rather do that than stand up at this point. I know that sounds insane. I love stand up, but that was never my thing. It was more sketch, hitting camera. That was my dream years ago. Was it really?

Yeah. Did you ever land on a show and do it or no? No, I came this close to getting on Mad TV. I had like four callbacks and then the show was canceled. That's literally what happened. Well, yeah. What was your dream? Was it to do stand-up? I mean, I'm still figuring it out. I know me too. I'm still figuring it out. I've always loved,

stand-up was always my dream. And now I act too, but like I, stand-up was always a thing I love. And now as I've gotten older, I'm kind of like, I like stand-up so much, but also all the bullshit that you have to do around it is exhausting. It's amazing. You can't just do comedy anymore. It's almost impossible. That's my thing with it. It's not that I don't mind the standup. It's all the shit that's, it's being silenced. It's the drama, the chaos, like, like it's all the comments

and the industry and the hoops you have to go through. If it were just that I could do my art. Do standup. Yeah. Good luck. No, that'll never be. That'll never. I know. It's okay.

It's okay. But I do think now everyone is finding newer avenues to have more fun. Like you said, going back to that, because everyone gets tired of the, of this weird machine of hate or comments or criticism, or, you know, I talked to Ari about this. There was no gate. There was a lot of gatekeepers back then. There's less now, but for some reason, the people are the gatekeepers. Yeah. You have to be more appealing to them than you do to the business.

But you also have to still fuck with the business a little bit to get parts of the thing. Because you're like, I want the money so I can live. So give me the money. But then I have to make sure I'm not losing my fanship from the people. So you have to touch all these bases. I believe the more real you are and the more you stay true to yourself, the more fans you get. That's what I'm seeing. What about mistakes that you make and how do you bounce back from those? Like you do something, it pisses everybody. Like have you not? Yes. Like have you done

something where I feel like the more people know who you are and, and have your, like, I think people have your back. I think some people have, it depends what it is. Right. Like when you openly said, it depends when you campaigned for Trump, when you went on that road trip that you did and you were out there for Trump fighting hard. Yeah, and I will be again.

And you will be, because we're coming right around the corner, right? Did you, you think you gained more fans on the Trump train? Yeah, yeah, I do. I really do. I think the, it's, it's weird because I am Jewish and the Nazis really came, you know, came there for me and really supported me. Um, yeah. Were they a little surprised to find out you were Jewish when you. Yeah, I think they were because most. They go, this woman's Italian. Yeah. I think they thought I was Greek or Italian or Arab for that.

Because I wore a burqa a lot. Sometimes I wear a burqa because I'm a self-hating Jew. So sometimes I will wear a burqa and just fuck my face with some, I get so nervous when I talk about this because I feel like the Jews are going to judge me. So sometimes I mess up my words. Smamas, smamas. Smamas, smamas. Smamas, smamas. Smamhamas. But sometimes I wear a burqa on stage when I'm doing anti-Jewish stuff and pro-Trump stuff.

Yeah. I don't want people to recognize me. I shouldn't even be saying all this. I'm getting so... We have the footage. Okay. Let's roll the footage. Okay, great. When you're on the pro, when you're on that pro-Trump train, I do think you're on the pro when you're on that pro trump train i do think you're earning a lot more fans thank you people i'm nervous again about it but you know if i get shot i get shot and i think that yeah at this point i think it'll actually it'll my children be set for life if i get shot now because i'm on such a rise you have a life insurance policy of course yeah yeah so your kids will get paid when you do die for real? Yeah.

Yeah. I think they'll be set for life if now, if everything ends now. If it ended today? Yeah. Which it may after this podcast. There is somebody outside waiting for you. Yeah. I saw some guy creeping around, holding up a sign with my name saying, with my picture

saying, if you see this woman, let me know. Let me know. I have a target. He just roams around here, huh? Yeah. That guy. Yeah. He's always, but you're never down here. So why do you, why would he think you're down here? I know. And he's holding up a sign with my picture and he's also jerking off and he looks like my father. It's so weird. And I'm turned on by it. Are your parents alive? My dad is dead. God bless. Yeah. Where is he now? Where do you think he is? I think he's in this room.

And I think, is he with us? I do. I think he's been around me a lot. He died a month into when COVID started. So it was a perfect time for me. Not from COVID. My anxiety and depression disorders. Not from COVID. No, no. Yeah. He, no, he died from jerking off. He died while jerking off. He was watching my show. He was watching your Instagram like me. Yeah, he got really excited when he watched my- Yeah. And that was it. Yeah, he couldn't get off.

He couldn't get off while he watched my shows either. And his brain exploded. This is so sick. You said it. I'll do anything for a laugh. I know. So if no one's laughing right now- No, they are.

Someone is in their car. They're imagining your father jerking off to your stuff. Anyway, no, he died of an aggressive kind of cancer. Yeah. Congrats. Yeah, anal. No, it wasn't anal. It was pancreatic.

Oh my God. Yeah, he got it in October It was pancreatic. Oh my God. Yeah. He got it in October and he died in right after COVID started. Started in March, died in April. So we did a Shiva on Zoom, which was fucking hysterical. A Zoom Shiva? Yeah. All these old Jewish people in the box is like,

Jeffrey was a wonderful man. Like they couldn't figure out how it worked. They're facing the other way. Just yelling at the kitchen. Jeff was great. We love Jeff. You're like, guys, in the computer, look at us. They're facing the other way. Look at us.

Where's the screen? Herman, get in here. It started. What? Who's Jeffrey? Where are you? I thought it was Seymour that died. He did. He died as well.

They died together? No, no. Right after each other. What? Do you want coffee? Yeah, but could you get the Alka-Seltzers? I don't feel good. Do you want coffee?

What? What? Bingo. God damn it, I love you. God. So that's what the shiver was like. I'm not kidding. They were like, is it on?

Can they see me? Then my mother, I did this with yamanika on stage but this was the funniest thing my mother who they got divorced but everyone gets along in my family my mom was on my dad shiva zoom thing in her in her condo and while people are sharing like the rabbi starts talking my mother in the zoom you know like jews can't not eat while anything's going on i think you're italian you know same thing yeah it's food so my mother gets up while the zoom i watch her i'm watching my mother in the box and she's like watching and then she gets up during my father's shiva and my mother gets up and goes to the microwave and starts cooking her salmon. No, no. So I'm watching my mother

eating my salmon. You hear it humming in the background? Eating my salmon. In her huge kitchen. And comes back and starts eating salmon during my father's shiva.

I'm like, you can't make this shiva. No. It's like curbing your enthusiasm. But what would you say to her? You can't stop. No, you can't do anything. So I start texting her. I'm like, but her phone's not there. I mean, they're all out of it. Where are their phones, say to her? You can't stop. No, you can't do anything. I start texting her.

I'm like, mom, but she's not, her phone's not, I mean, they're all out of it. Where are their phones, by the way? Where are their phones? Oh, my mother doesn't even, my mother came to my house on Long Island from Jersey yesterday and looked for her keys for an hour. They were in her raincoat in the car,

but for some reason they didn't, she couldn't find them in the car. Couldn't find them. They didn't start, her car didn't start. They were hidden in the car. At some point, they shouldn't have access to keys. No. They shouldn't have access to keys.

They shouldn't have access to anything. Almost anything. Did you ever live outside of New York? I grew up in New Jersey. Okay, but I mean, New York area, this area. I lived in Massachusetts for a while. Why? I moved to Northampton, Massachusetts to come out

because I had to get away from everybody. And I sold pot there for four while. Why? I moved to Northampton, Massachusetts to come out because I had to get away from everybody. And I sold pot there for four years. That was how you came out? Yeah. I just, I was a mess. I just did drugs, sold pot, sold pot, and just was just a complete lesbian. What did your, what did your parents say when you came out, when you were selling pot? Well, they didn't know I was selling pot. When I came out to them, they knew. I mean, they were like, I was with my friend, my friend, Melissa, 24 hours a day. And I'm like, oh, I'm with Melissa.

And my mom's like, well, obviously, he cried every time she left the house. My mom's a therapist. Oh my God. So she knew, I mean- She's very aware. And they were very accepting. I mean, my dad thought it was his fault.

I'm like, it's not you. But it was. Yeah, it was. It was. Well, he, he never molested me. I was heavy. He was not, he was into thin. And if he did, you'd have been straight.

Well, a hundred percent. You'd get some good molestation. If I would have joined it. Yeah, then you would have loved it. Right. Um, but this is so crazy. In here, we pour whiskey. And now a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp.

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get $15 off your first month of ED treatment. Make sure you're ready to have confidence and control this summer. Roman ready. Ginger. I like gingers. Oh, my God. Yeah, no, my parents,

you know, non-religious Jews are very accepting. Yeah. For the most part. They really are. The Orthodox, on the other hand, we were talking about this a little bit before we started. Yeah. You know, they don't accept it because you're a sinner, but they, again, you know, a lot of the Orthodox men will get it in bushes and, you know, behind buildings and stuff like that. That's how they feel. You're a sinner. That's like a hardcore Catholic to us, like, because I'm not a church guy at all. And we quit many, many years ago. Right. I mean, it's a sin. Basically you're living the sin. So you can be gay. You just can't act on it. That makes perfect sense. Right. So you just, but you get married, so you marry a can be gay, you just can't act on it. That makes perfect sense. Right. So you just, but you get married, so you marry a woman anyway. And you just sit. And you have children.

You just sit. Right. You're not even allowed to masturbate because you waste seed. Did you know that? Wait, what? You waste seed? You never heard that? You waste, you waste the seed. But it's unlimited. Right, but you waste it. You can't waste it. Oh, so I should be saving it. Right. So when I do jerk off, I should put it in something and take it home with me? To go contain. It's to go? Do you guys have a doggy bag for my jizz? I need to take this back. You gotta get a Tupperware container and take it home.

Heat up the pasta in the fridge. There's two containers. One has jizz in it. The other has ziti. One has tortellini and one has semen. Don't heat up the semen. It could explode everywhere. Do you waste the idea of wasting ziti? That's true.

So my friend Danny, who's one of my best friends, who's a comedian, I lived with him for a while and he was very religious, trying to be very religious and he couldn't masturbate. And I said to him, I swear to God, six months, he's one of the best. He's hilarious. He works at the cellar. He's hysterical. What's his last name? Cohen. He's brilliant.

Danny Cohen. And he's gay and he doesn't act on it. And it's not easy. And he didn't masturbate for six months. And I said, if you don't jerk off soon, I'm going to jerk you off because we're going to lose our friendship. I'm like, you're a fucking nightmare. You're a nightmare. You're an asshole. I said, I'm going to jerk you off or we're not going to be friends. You're like a brother to me. He just wakes up. Yeah. It was bad. Is there, and I'm too stupid to know this. You can look this up. Is there, if you never come, can you, would that make, would you die? You think you'd die? You would have to or something it should

just come out yeah there's got to be it must just come i don't know it must just spill out at some point wet dreams yeah i do know wet dreams or i do know that is what the manifestation of wet dreams is because of it's too much buildup and it's got to come out at some point but i do wonder sometimes you would have like the celibacy thing you know like uh right there's no way that they well you know you know what they do when they're celibate oh there's something here what happens when they when they can't come god do you guys have to ejaculate this is scientific no they don't die they can go years without ejaculating but you know phd someone made this up a long time ago see this is all is all made up. No one knows.

Nobody knows. We'll never find out if you can die from not coming. Why don't you try? I can't, I have to jerk off. I'm thinking about it right now. How often do you jerk off? Honestly, genuinely, not often. Honestly, it's because you're, because you're not 20.

Yeah. But also, yeah, maybe like once a week. Yeah, I get it. I mean. How much time do you have? Some, you like once a week. Yeah, I get it. I mean- How much time do you have? I know. And if you have a family, it's like, where are you going to go to jerk off? I know.

Where are you going? Well, I mean, when you were a kid, you did a lot, all the time probably. I did. I think I had a streak where it was insane. I used to jerk off when I came home from school and I would wake up and have basketball in the morning, school all day.

And then sometimes we'd have a post school practice or like meet up. So I'd be exhausted. And then I would smoke pot with friends and then go home and take a nap. And then my mother would come home and she woke me up one time and she was so mad at me.

And she was like, I know you're doing fucking drugs. You're tired every fucking day. i know you're doing fucking drugs you're tired every fucking day i know you're doing fucking drugs because my dad my my biological father was a drug addict and she was like i know you're getting fucking high i can tell what you're up to i can know i know the symptoms you're getting fucking high and she goes because she lived with it she knows and i said i'm not getting high she said then why are you so fucking tired every day when you get home i couldn't tell her it's because i was jerking off because basketball wore me out I was like when I come after basketball

I'm the moment but I was also getting high said that yes I'm like mom I'm jerking off after working out I'm exhausted but I was also getting high it was just it was two for two I was like I was yes I'm getting high to say I was like I'm getting high. That's a good thing to say. I was like, I'm getting high, but I'm also working out, you know? But when I was in high school, I told this joke on my like first album, but this is a true story. I used, I had the Catholic thing in my head. Yeah.

Not in high school. When we were kids, we were Catholic. My mom got a divorce. They kick you out. Yeah. I used to flip a fucking coin. They kick you out. Isn't that amazing?

They kick you out. You're not allowed to be, if you're divorced, my grandmother didn't talk to my mom. For a year. My grandmother talked to my mom for a year're not allowed to be, if you're divorced, my grandmother didn't talk to my mom. What a nightmare. For a year. My grandmother took to my mom for a year because she got a divorce. Her mother. Yeah, my grandma, because my mom got a divorce, but my mom was like, he's a drug addict. He's in prison. He's a drug addict in prison.

And my mom. And your mom's mother didn't talk to her. For a year. For a year. My grandfather had to sneak. God, this is hard to hear. My grandfather had to sneak her money because my grandmother was just stern and was like, fuck that. And my grandfather, who had the biggest heart on earth, was like sneaking her money,

being like, I'm going to help you out. She was a single mother. She wasn't making any fucking money. Of course. But that Catholicism thing was still sneaking into my brain. So I used to flip a coin to determine if I was going to jerk off.

I'm not kidding. And if I would get heads, I wouldn't jerk off. And if I got tails, I would jerk off. But the joke was, you know, I would keep flipping until I got tails. I would flip it. I'd flip it and I'd be like. That's great. I'd flip it and I'd go, best two out of three.

You know what I mean? You kept doing it. Yeah, I just kept doing it until I decided. Of course. But I literally would flip a coin to be like, can I jerk off today? Because I had so much weird guilt over like. Yeah, yeah. It still stayed like, it's bad.

Am I bad? Is this a bad thing to do? So I'd flip a coin and then I would go, well, this must be a sign from the someone. Yeah, I know. I do stuff like that still. It's like something must be telling me it's okay. Yeah.

Like, are you superstitious? Yes, me? Yes. Very. Yes. Very. Like there's things that you. I do things in threes a lot.

I have a thing with threes. Upset, very big upset since I'm a kid. I'm not joking. Really? This is my lucky number. Me too. When I would get out of the shower, this is very OCD. I have OCD too.

When the drain goes down, when the cup goes down, I would spin it three times with my finger. Yeah, so I do that stuff with threes to this day constantly. I have to take three pieces of toilet paper, three paper towels, three, I do everything in threes. Oh my God, why is three our thing? Well, I don't know because three is the number in comedy too, which is fascinating.

Cause in my high school yearbook, it says obsessed with the number three. Like that's part of what I put under my- You were obsessed. Like it was everything to you. Yes. I mean, it's not, of course I don't have to take like three, but I count threes constantly. I have OCD with you. Yes. I mean, it's not, of course, I don't have to take like three, but I count threes constantly.

I have OCD with three. Yeah. And comedy, three is the number in comedy. Three is my, well, it's the perfect, yep, yep, yep. Yep, yep. It is so nice. Right. But I was always obsessed with three for some reason.

Isn't that interesting? Because it's the number with comedy. I mean- That's the rhythm that we know. Yes. I think it also is like, um, odd, odd is really nice. Odd is not, I don't like even numbers. I don't either. Yeah. And you know how gross this is? Every time I set the alarm, it's two, it has to be to a three number. Like

it has to be the 309. And then I love 12 because two plus one is three. When we bought our house, I, I, the, this is so stupid. I was like, I really want an odd numbered house. Yeah, of course. But I was like, how could that be the determining factor over getting a fucking place? But I really needed an odd number house. No, but I get it. And I don't, if I don't set my alarm to an odd number,

then I feel like I'm going to have a bad day. It's really crazy. Really? Yeah, I have that kind of superstition. And then if the bad day does happen, do you blame it on the thing? Are you like, that's because I fucking- Sometimes I do.

But then I have to get myself centered and be like, that's insane. Is your wife the opposite? Does she not have any of these tendencies? She has a lot of other OCD stuff with cleanliness, which is great because my place is immaculate. That's amazing. My house is immaculate. That's amazing. My house is immaculate.

But you're not, you don't seem like you'd be a dirty person anyway. I'm not a dirty person, but I am not like her. Like it's crazy. Like crumbs, she can't have anything. Like militants. Well, not to the point where she works on it, thank God, because it's when she, when life is out of control,

she'll get more like that in the house. Right. So she works on that because it can get, you know, crazy. Like it can drive me crazy. And then the fight begins. Exactly. What's the core of all the fights? The kids.

Always the kids. Yeah. So what if you just get rid of them? Well, we've tried. We've tried to just leave them outside, but no one will pick them up, even though they're so good looking and they're very well behaved. Yeah, but if they're good looking,

they know that they need a lot of attention and love. Right, exactly. I know, I know. Because an ugly kid, I got put outside. I wandered for months until I found my way back. Really? My mother would just let me go. My mother would let me fly.

Yeah, I wish no one took care of me when I, I mean, my dad was around a lot. My mom, she was a therapist helping everyone else. So I just took care of myself. Were you the oldest of your siblings? No, I was the younger one. So my sister got taken care of a little bit more. I was just out taking care of myself.

I was a mess. By the time the siblings were gone, you were the rogue child that no one gave a fuck about. Yeah, I was really just like scrounging around for change to pay for food. I was really, and we lived in a nice house. Like I grew up with money and not like a millionaire, but like I had some money, grew up in upper, you know, middle class, but I was literally just like taking care of myself. Upper middle class Jersey?

Yeah. But I mean, like really just taking care of myself. Like no one was home at night. It was insane. Have you voiced this to them over the years? Oh yeah. We went to, I, again, my mom's a therapist. So I've been to every kind of therapist, every kind of seminar, every kind of program, every, I mean, I, my life was in therapy. I married a therapist. Are you still in therapy now? Yes. Now you're, you're Now you married a therapist, but you cannot. But, so my mom is an old school, everything is about feelings.

Like I do this in my act, but when I had a toothache, she's like, that's because you're chewing on a decision. Like that kind of crazy therapy upbringing. My wife deals with teens with addiction and behavioral problems. So she's like, buck up, get over it, shut up, like deal with your problems. So I, not shut up, but like, they're completely different therapists. You have the whole spectrum of the sensitive and also the, we need to just really grow up and get through stuff.

I mean, like Danielle's sensitive, my wife, but like if my kid is crying, she's like, walk it off. Like she, so I'm, they're different therapists. If you got into a fight, who'd win? A fist fight, you and Danielle. Oh, she'd kick the fucking shit out of me. She'd beat your ass. Like she's-

But you're going to the fucking gym all the time. No, I know, but I don't, like she's like a, she can do like kickboxing. She had three brothers. Like we're, they're all cops, firemen. Like she, yeah. So she's been hit a lot. Yeah, she's had the shit kicked out of her.

Yeah, brothers that are cops and firefighters. They had to hold back. Yeah, yeah. No, she, I mean, I'm like, I have 10 black belt. I mean, I'm really like- You're a fucking black belt? Yeah, jujitsu. I do all the jujitsu, you know, jujitsu.

Yeah, like I just fight Jews. That's it. Yeah, that's why I don't fight her. I was going to say, you must win most of those fights. Right. Well, I mean, I'm friends with all the Nazis,

so I know how to fight the Jew. The Trump campaign gained you some fucking jujitsu. That was the best thing that came out of those white nationalist parties was getting just people that you could spar with.

Do you get those too? You should come with me. I started my own. Oh, really? I have one that I just, that's really why I'm in New York. People are like, what are you doing here? I'm like, oh, comedy podcast.

But there's a white nationalist meeting that I kind of started in East Orange. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's right near, I grew up in South Orange. I know, yeah. So I just- Oh my God.

Yeah, it's right near you. Yeah, in East Orange, yeah. There's not a lot of white. No, no, but that's, but it's orange, East Orange. And that's why. Oh, because you're orange, yeah. So East Orange but it's orange, East Orange. Right. That's why. Oh, because you're orange. Yeah. So East Orange.

Oh, that's so cute. Yeah. That's amazing. And that's part of our gitch is, you know, we hate with laughter. Do you want to do a show together there? Yeah, I would love to. Really? Me, you, and East Orange.

You know what I was thinking? At the end, you could stab me in front of the crowd because I think they would laugh so hard at that if you just janked me. Thank you. Good night. You're like, yeah, I would totally take a stabbing to get a laugh. I don't care enough about myself. When you were a kid, did you anything for a laugh? Was that your thing? Anything. I shit on my mom's lawn for a laugh. Go on. I did it in my comedy special. Wait, you shit on your mother's lawn? I did in front of all my friends when I was 14. And they saw

your butthole do it? No, I did it in the corner. Like I did not literally, but I had to shit. Who started that? What kid in the neighborhood was like, you won't shit in the lawn? My friends came over. It was the first time I ever got drunk. And it was, we were there all day. So it wasn't like I did it on demand. Like I, when I had to shit, I said to my friends, like, cause my friends were peeing on my mom's lawn. We hung out all day at my house and we were smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I drank like two six packs. I had never been that drunk.

I think I got alcohol poisoning. I didn't go to school for days. And then the next day, my mom got banged on my door. She came home from when she was away and she had the dog by the collar when she opened my door and then she screamed to me I told you not to let the dog shit in front of the house and then she took us both outside and put his nose in my shit oh my god your dog had a nose in your shit you think and your dog knew too he to look to I this is part of the joke he it's not a joke though he looked at me like so confused like

I'll never forget that look because I you know I had doritos and all this it was like did you make up for it with the dog did you do something yeah i put peanut butter on my vagina you got it let him lick it off yeah years later and that feels great she just got freaked out by that oh big deal you've thought about it that's a that's a thing that they do that's a jewish thing the jewish thing peanut butter on your fucking clit yeah jew and utter. Somebody did do that for the first time and it spread around because it's a joke that we all know. Yeah.

But the guy that did it, that dipped his dick in a jar of peanut butter was, in my mind, he was fucking the peanut butter. And he was fucking it. Oh, probably. And when he was done, he took it out and he was hanging out. I'm sorry, that's so gross.

Just took it out of the peanut butter. And then the dog, I just got like literally nauseous thinking about it. Oh my God. It's so unreal to think of a dog doing that. But I'm sure there's people who are watching who really think I did that. Yes. No, no, no. There was, well, you know what?

My fans know that they know that this, this circus of chaos, when we do, when we do bits on the show. I'm assuming that's why I'm just going off. No, they know. I know your fans. No, that's the best part is that they they're wet they're wacky and they love when it gets obscure because the part of comedy that's missing not to get annoying is that like it's not annoying that it's like of course we're fucking kidding god damn like are you what the fuck do you think we're doing everything i every single clip i put on tiktok people say what do you mean you did it?

And I'm like, no, no, really, I did. I jumped off a bridge and broke my back. Like, I just keep going with it. I like to go deep in it. No, me too. I always, I keep adding to it and then freak out. And they're dumb because people are so dumb. It's amazing how dumb people are.

And that they get offended by a thing that has nothing to do with them. It's meaningless. It's not even real. But they're able to like hone in on it emotionally and get really bothered by it. Because they haven't done their own work. Not to get too deep, but it's really true. Give me the depth.

I like it. Okay, this is the depth. Because I've done a lot of work seriously in therapy and I'm very grateful I have. They project their shit onto us. We talk about our stuff and they haven't done their own work. So they put all their own shit on us. Right.

And it's very frustrating. When I talk about my weight stuff or my food stuff, I can laugh at it. I went to fat camp for years, okay? I can laugh at it. I went to fat camp for years, okay? I can laugh at it. I'm writing a movie about it. And it's hilarious to me. I'm not traumatized by going to fat camp.

It's funny to me that I went to fat camp. There's nothing upsetting about it. I'm still friends with people I went with. I had a great time. It's funny. But people in the audience go, ah, and they get upset and they write to me and go, that's not funny that you're making fun of fat camp. I'm like, yes, it is because it's my experience. You just hate your own body. You fucking hate yourself and you're upset.

You ate too much today and you hate what you look like in the mirror and you're upset. You're fat and your parents called you fat when you were younger, go to therapy. Fix it. Deal with it. This has nothing to do with me. Right. Go on a diet, you fucking animal. You are fat.

I'm losing weight. I gave up sugar and flour. I'm in a program. Sugar. I get it, but I'm working on it. You're a fat fuck. Go work on it. You hate yourself fat fuck. Go work on it. You hate yourself.

Your father called you fat. So did mine. My father mooted me. And you know what? He mooted you? Yes, he did. I went through a hard time. But I go to therapy and I deal with it. You go to your own fucking therapy and don't tell me what I can and can't talk about.

It's my life. Fact. Go deal with it, you fat fuck. In here, we pour whiskey. It's summertime, baby. I know you want to chill out all summer long, and I got to tell you something. If you're someone like me that's got a little bit of anxiety,

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I have been doing this for 23 years. I've had bottles thrown at me. I've had people call me fat 700 times on stage. I've been abused in this business. Yeah. By audience members, drunk people. I don't need people sending me messages, telling me what I can talk about that I went through.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Go deal with your own shit. You hate your body. Right. You hate your body. Or you hate yourself, whatever it is. Same thing.

Yeah, you hate you. Yeah. And that's why they go, I don't like that you joke about that. Right. Whatever it is. It's different if you say, you know what? I relate to what you're saying

and maybe I should look at it. And I had a hard time and my father was abusive to me. Or you know what? I went to fat camp and it was hard and maybe I should look at it and maybe I should learn how to laugh at it. And yeah, it is hard being heavy. And I'll totally listen to you.

It's horrible. It's a hard life. It's hard to be a heavy kid. It's hard. I get it. Let's talk about it. I feel for you. It's horrible. It's a hard life. It's hard to be a heavy kid. It's hard. I get it. Let's talk about it. I feel for you. It is hard,

but stop telling me what I should and shouldn't be talking about. Right. Don't try to silence me. You'll never do. The more you try to silence me, the more I'm going to talk. We're defiant.

The more you try to silence us, the more most of us are going to talk about it, and some of us won't, and those are the comics that I can't deal with anymore. Yeah. You want, you have to say it. When somebody says you can't do that, you're like, Oh my God. Is that true? You think I can't? Cause I will do it. I'm going to talk about it more now. And in fact, I'm going to work on a movie about it now. And you are writing a movie about it. Yes. About Fat Camp. When you said you still, do you still know people from Fat Camp when you were a kid? The ones who haven't died from cardiac arrest.

You still know them. I still talk to. Did any of them get fat again? Most of them. Right. Because you don't learn anything when you, I wasn't even fat when I went to fat camp. I was like 10 pounds overweight.

I was Jewish fat. I was jat. You were a jatty. Yeah. A little jatty jappy. A little jappy jat. Look at that jappy jat over there. The little jappy jat you were a jaddy yeah a little jaddy jappy a little jappy jat look at that jappy jat over there the little jappy jat and i wanted to go like my parents didn't say i was like i wasn't that yeah

i was a fat kid at like 10 pounds overweight so i wanted to go yeah and i had a i really had fun because the kids were nice because they were all fat. So they were very nice. Well, yeah. You're all in the same arena. No one was hot enough to be mean. I was very hot in fat camp. You were the hottest one in fat camp. Yeah, I was the thinnest. Right.

Out of the hundreds of guys. Were they mean to you? No, I mean, I was funny. I was always, well, some of them were jealous, but I was always funny as a kid because I was so miserable and traumatized. I was very unhappy as a kid. So I was always funny.

Was the root of your unhappiness the weight stuff? No, it was family stuff. Family shit. I was very unhappy at home because my parents fought like hell and I was just an unhappy child. And you watched. But I played sports.

You played sports. So sports saved my life the greatest escape i the i'm i always have said sports saved my life because it is you can get away from the stuff and then the adrenaline and the endorphin rush that you get from playing yeah it kind of washes away a lot of the negative shit in your world that you're like i can forget about the you know so funny is i i is I didn't mind the idea that my dad wasn't present for my sporting events because I enjoyed playing so much.

Oh yeah. You know that idea that you're like, dad didn't come to my games. It's like, I liked the game so much. I didn't give a fuck if he showed up. I didn't care if my parents showed up either. My dad did, he was tough on me, but he showed up. But I didn't care about that either

because I had so much fun playing. My stepdad showed up a lot. That's nice. He was a I had so much fun playing. My stepdad showed up a lot. That's nice. He was a nice guy. That's great. Yeah, he became like a coach. That's great. Yeah, that version was kind of nice.

Yeah. But I never gave a fuck if people showed up. Yeah. When that old thing where they're like- I didn't either. They didn't watch my games. You're like, but it was for you. I didn't give a fuck if they came.

And other parents were supportive. I didn't care about that either. I really was like so in it. It was my outlet. I mean, it really saved my life. And getting didn't care about that either. I really was like so in it. It was my outlet. I mean, it really saved my life. And getting out that anger and that adrenaline really did save- Did you put your kids in sports too or no? Well, my oldest is more into acting and singing and that shit.

And they're more, I mean, the youngest are three. So they're not into anything yet. You've got to get them into sports right now. Oh, I know. And my second- Street fighting. Yeah. Put those kids in a street fighting and killers.

Animals. Yeah. Give them a weapon, put them in the yard. Yeah. So them to kill you. But 16, she's the actress, right? Oh, yeah. And she's on my Instagram.

I mean, all the comics are like, she's like a star. She's unreal. She's a singer. She belts out. Were you a singer? I can sing. Let's hear it. I want to sing. Oh my God. You can sing, you fucker. I can sing. I've never, my dad could sing. Um, but I never took singing lessons. No. I never took singing lessons. No. I never took singing lessons. You never had any kind of coaching? Were you in like, you weren't in a band or anything like that?

No, and I'm not a trained singer. I think if I were trained, I could really sing. You would fuck shit up if you were trained. I love singing with Josh and the band, you know, the goddamn comedy jam. So fun. It's my favorite thing. Well, you actually do. Well, this is why it's unfair

because you're actually good at it. So for you, it's a display of talent and comedy. For me, the comedy part is so much fun talking shit, but then the singing thing, I always want people with me. I don't want to do it alone. I think it's more fun when people are with you. I got to have the whole thing because I don't like it. When Josh is always like, come on, man, fucking just do it.

Do you know that I literally shit myself when I do it? I'm never as nervous as when I do that because I'm not used to singing in front of people. You get so nervous. I just get,

well, that's why I guess I fill it with people because I get anxiety. Me too. I'm just, I don't want to be alone. It's weird. And they're going to look at me like,

why is this fucking dipshit singing? He can't sing. Yeah. So I need to make it fun, funny and goofy for it to be normalized in my mind. Right. Well, he can't sing. Yeah. So I need to make it fun, funny and goofy for it to be normalized in my mind. Right. Well, I don't, I guess maybe if I made it goofier,

it would be more fun. What song do you sing? I sing It's Raining Men. So it's hilarious. So good. So people love it. It's raining. Yeah.

And I'm like, it's raining men. Like I scream and the whole crowd gets into it. So it's fun. Imagine if that really did happen though. Just like big bodies and dicks flying down from the sky. If it were dicks, it's fine. I always say, I don't see, I'm not, I'm not fully a lesbian. This is my act.

So I, but I, cause I never minded giving head. Right. I don't like, I don't, I never minded sex with men. It's just, I couldn't fall in love with men. So I'm not like completely like gay gay. Could you still fuck a guy? Yes. You could?

Yeah. Wow. I just couldn't fall in love. Like I never wanted to like spend a lot of time with a guy and be in a relationship. Kind of the perfect harmonious balance of you're like, I could get dick if I needed it. Right. But I just don't want it at all. If you said to your wife, I want to catch a dick.

Yeah. Would she be like, absolutely not? Or would she go, whatever, go do it? No, I don't think she at all. If you said to your wife, I want to catch a dick, would she be like, absolutely not? Or would she go, whatever, go do it. No, I don't think she would be into me doing that. You have no attachment to it though. Right, I know. Yeah, I think, cause she's very traditional. Like her parents are still together.

She's very like, you know, but she's like, if she said, if I had the chance to be with Mariska Hardige, you know, from, is that how you say her name from Law and Order? Oh, oh. She's in love with her. It's Mariska Hargitay. I know, I never say anyone's name right.

Well, get a fucking normal name to say, first of all. I know, her name is fucking annoying. Annoying, Mariska Hargitay. What the fuck is her name? What the fuck is your problem? And I'm like, that's who you choose? Her? That's her hall pass or whatever?

That's her, that's her woman. Like, let's say she does meet her. who you choose? Her? That's her hall pass or whatever? That's her woman. Like, let's say she does meet her. Would you let that happen? Yeah. I kind of would because it's like, if it were one time, I'd give her that. She thinks she's hot. She's hot.

Yeah. I think Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez. Okay. These are your go-to. Jennifer Lopez is hot. I mean, from now she's getting old, but. But she's almost. She's hot. She's a little too hot. It's been too good for too long

where you're like, what's the other shoe? Drop it. Yeah. I love Latino women. You do? Yeah. Is that your weakness? They're hot. Yeah, they are. I mean, that ass, the whole thing. They'll also beat the fucking shit out of you. Yeah, I know. They'll fuck you up. They'll fuck you up. Yeah. You want to be killed a little bit. Yeah. So you're famous.

What would your hall pass be then? Would it be J-Lo? I mean, Angelina Jolie, but she's so skinny. Is she really, really skinny, you think, in real life? She's real, real, no, no, very, very, yeah. I don't know, she's too skinny.

She looks uncomfortably skinny. Yeah. Would you never be attracted to a really heavy woman? No, I will not be with a very fat woman. What about a thick girl? Yeah, I love thick women. You want thick?

Yeah. But too skinny is yuck for you. Yeah, I need something. Structure. Yeah. Like Gal Gadot. Hot. Hot. Stunning. Because she's a full woman.

She doesn't look like a paper thin. I mean, I like thin women, but someone who's like really, really bone thin, I don't like. No. Feed them something, then fuck them. No, yeah. Gal Gadot was kind of my-

Who's your, who's your? I mean, Gal Gadot is stunning. She's like one of the top. My, mine, mine probably is like- I think, you know who I think is gorgeous? Edward James Olmos. You know who's hot to me? Halsey.

Halsey. She's hot. She's hot. Hot. Hot. Halsey is so hot. Dua Lipa. No, Dua Lipa, top of my list.

So hot. She might be number one. Now, how do you stand on like a Taylor Swift type of girl? Not my type. Fuck that. Not, completely not my type. Sun dresses? That's not your thing. No, no. Get Taylor Swift type of girl. Not my type. Fuck that. Not, completely not my type. Sundresses? That's not your thing.

No, no. No, get the fuck out of here. I want to kill her with it. Wicker, you know? It seems like wicker is involved for some reason. I want to burn her alive. No, Dua Lipa, I think is number one right now. She's so fucking beautiful.

That's my, that, she's number one. So I've always had a crush on like girls who can fucking wail, like girls who can like any, any singer in a band. Yeah. Any girl that's in a fucking band that can wail. I'm, I get such a fucking hard on.

Yeah. Like, do you know the band metric? Do you know who that is? No. Will you bring up a photo of metric? This is a band I went and saw a few times and I have, I just,

she's so sexy. Also, because she's so like, the passion when she sings is so heavy that you're like, look at this fucking chick. She's just,

and she's, she's beautiful. She's gorgeous. And she's also just like a badass bitch and just fucking rocks and wails and she can play

so many instruments. She looks like she cries a lot. She cries a lot. She cries a lot. I just like that she can fucking wail and she's so so many instruments. She looks like she cries a lot. She cries a lot. She cries a lot. I just like that she can fucking wail. And she's so hot to me. She has no tattoos too, which is interesting. I mean, not none.

Because I want her to be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery. That's the whole thing. She does have one right there. Oh, wow. That's me. I left that mark. It was when I put my head down on her chest after I cried. I just like girls that can sing.

I always was attracted to like band people. That was kind of my, if I had a hall pass thing, it'd be someone in a band. Oh, that's interesting. I totally, I understand that. Someone in a band for some reason. All right, if you had to pick.

Because they're powerful. Well, and their cockiness. I like their confidence must be through the roof to be able to do that stuff. It's like us, why people are like, comics are so confident. People are attracted to that in women. In a way.

If you had to fuck one of the two, Amber Heard, Johnny Depp, which one are you fucking? And this is pre- Amber Heard. Amber Heard. Johnny's just not going to do it. Yeah, but I'd have to put a big dildo in her mouth

and shut her up. I can't- Just plug it. Yeah, just snap it in there. Is it a double-sided dildo in case you want to suck on it just a little bit? No. No, it's just a one-sided.

No, it's just clam her up and just go to town. I can't have her say one word or else I'm done. I can't. Or I'd have to blast music if she wants to talk. I just can't. As loud as you can. Yeah. In college, we used to,

a girlfriend of ours worked at Spencer's Gifts in the mall. It's the best store. And we used, she would give us dildos and we would go to the dorm halls and, you know, everyone was doing laundry at the same time on Sundays. And we would throw dildos inside people's laundry. Because you'd hear it.

It was so loud. It's amazing. So the whole hallway would go, what the fuck? And they'd hear it. It was so loud. It's amazing. So the whole hallway would go, what the fuck? And they'd go down and open up the dryer and there was just cocks in almost every single dryer. That was one of my favorite. I love dildo stuff.

I love dildo stuff. Oh, it's the best. Big, funny, weird, veiny cocks are just so funny to me. They're crazy. It's, they're just, there's so much fun you can have. You hand someone a cock, they have no idea how to ride it. The cheap ones are horrific. I mean, some- It's so bad. They're crazy. It's a, they're just, there's so much fun you can add. You hand someone a cock, they have no idea how to ride it. The cheap ones are horrific.

I mean, so bad. They're so bad. But I was a big dildo collector in college because of this girl. It was just so fun. She was like, I can take anything from the store.

And I was like, they had sex toys. She's like, do you guys want sex toys? And I said, yeah. And she brought us like pocket pussy type of things. I was like,

this is fine, but I want something to have fun with. Go get me a bunch of fake pockets. I mean, there's all different things. Lesbians, I mean, some- Well, you guys have the most toys. Well, some are not into toys at all. Some of the women I've been with, some exes,

and some are into a lot of toys. I mean- When you try to propose a toy to someone who doesn't want a toy, is that kind of the beginning of the end where you're like, you don't want to have any fun with this stuff? I can't, I wouldn't be able to be with someone again.

I mean, now I'm married, but like with someone who's not into any toy, it's not fun. Like you got to be into toys if you're two women. Something. That's my thing. It just, I've been with long-term relationships with some women who are just like,

I'm not into any toys at all. I'm like, come on. There's only so many holes. You know, I gotta be able to pound my way through that ear. I gotta, you know, I gotta be able to put my big black dildo in your ear. Gotta.

Yeah. Have you ever been with someone that likes to get like smacked around? Yeah. That's, yeah. It gives you free reign. Yeah, of course. You ever feel like you might go too far?

Yes, yes. I was with mean, I was- You ever feel like you might go too far? Yes. Yeah. Yes. I was with someone, I was with one, cause I'm into femme women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can be athletic or whatever, but I like femme women.

So I, and I find butch women attractive. They're just not, it's not my thing. It's not your flavor. So I was with a butch woman once which i don't know what was i think i was just on drugs at the time whatever um and her name was ty and she and she drove a motorcycle oh sick i think i'm in a really weird fucking point in my life why am i dating this girl but anyway she would drive me on the back of the motorcycle and we um barely knew each other and we were fooling around and she literally just smacked

me across the face. Now it was like, we were just kissing and she like smacked me across the face. And I'm like, did you just fucking, like there was no anything else that happened. I don't know what the fuck she was thinking. Was it a backhand? No, she went and I go, I go, did you just smack me? Like I was in shock and she's like, yeah. And I'm like, get out. I literally just kicked her out of my apartment. I was like, get out of my apartment. Why would you just smack?

There's no, you gotta talk about that stuff. It's like, you can smack my ass. You can smack, like don't fucking smack my face. What if she slapped one of your tits? That I don't mind. That's fine. Smack my fucking tits around. I don't, I'm not, I don't get tense about that kind of stuff. I don't mind. That's fine. Smack my fucking tits around. Yeah, that's fine. I don't, I'm not,

I don't get tense about that kind of stuff. You don't care? No. No. But the smacking on the face is just- And I know some women do, but I don't, I, no, I don't care about that kind of stuff.

Smack my tits. Yeah. But like, I wouldn't do that to someone else unless I knew it was cool at first. Because that's a tough, that's tough. Yeah, you don't just like, I wouldn't just like, without knowing it's okay.

Smack a fucking stick. But if they're okay with it, I'll do all that stuff. You'll do anything? Yes. Have you ever had someone ask you something that you were dating

that you were like, I don't know if I can do that? Did it ever go too far? No. You never, you never had any experience? I'm pretty open. You'll do all of it?

I'm trying to think if there's anything anyone asked me to do that I said no, and no, there isn't. One time in college, a girl was like, we were hooking up and, you know, there's this shitty term called dead fish, which is when they just lay there. Yeah. And they don't kind of react or do anything. And I stopped and I was like, are like, do you not want to have sex? That's weird. And she was like, no, no, no.

So you're going at it and she's just laying there dead. Yeah. Dead fish. You've heard of dead fish. Have you ever heard of that before? It's a shitty term. I just find that's very strange. But I said, are you okay? Is this you not want to hook up? And she was like, what? Like, I was crazy. She's like, what do you

mean? I was like, I thought maybe you weren't enjoying or having and she was like, what? Like, I was crazy. She's like, what do you mean? I was like, I, I, I do. I thought you, maybe you weren't enjoying or having, I was like, I, and she was like, it's, I love it. And I was like, oh, okay. And then I just kept going. And that was the last time I was like, cause I actually really liked her. And I was like, oh, I can't. So she just was like this. Oh, I'm not kidding it. Look, it was like corpse. It was amazing. And I don't know if that was a thing for her. That, it sounds to me that that would be a thing for her. Like a corpse type of shit where she just-

I find that so horribly unattractive and such a turnoff that I would never be- It was so strange. It made me sad. It made me really, really sad. Like I was just, I was bummed the whole time. Yeah. I came. I came harder than I've ever come in my life.

I came. But it still, it still affected me. But I immediately was like, she must not be liking this. And she was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Keep going. She's like, I love it. I was like, you got to do something back. You have to fuck me back a little bit, something.

Otherwise, it's just like a, it was like a sex doll. I think that in her mind, now tell me if you think this is wrong. It's a weird thing that she maybe is like, that she's putting her mind in a place of like, she's not into this and someone's doing it to her and she's being, it's like a weird thing. It's like a weird fetish thing. Yeah. Yeah. So I had to, I had to stop. I was like a weird thing. It's like a weird fetish thing. Yeah. Yeah.

So I had to, I had to stop. I was like, I'll never, this is the end. That's not okay. Yeah. No,

I cannot, I can't. No, I can't do that. And then she's on the way out. Well, she, on the way out,

she's like, will you tell me to make my bed? And I was just like, no, we use, she's, will you tell me to make, tell me to make my bed?

And I'll say, yes, uncle Ron or whatever the fucking sad, hardcore trauma that that was the? And I'll say, yes, Uncle Ron. Or whatever the fucking sad, hardcore trauma that... That was the... That was... That was the worst weird college. I also had a girl in college that said she wanted to put stuff in my tush.

That was the first time I ever got asked to put stuff in my tush. What did she want to put in there? Like a... Like a letter opener? Like a... Chopsticks? For a letter, like a chopsticks. For some reason she loved chopsticks and she wanted to just peel me apart. No, it was like a fortune. It was a little, a little tiny, a little butt plug, like a little tiny, like a, it wasn't really a butt plug. It was like a little butt vibrator toy, a little tiny toy.

And I said, no, thank you. You know, and I think was that like, maybe she did that with someone else and the guy really enjoyed it kind of thing. Cause there's no way she got anything out of it. Right. Exactly. That's the first thing. I mean, yeah. But I mean, I mean, I've been with a couple of women who are much more into anal than they are into the vaginal. Really? Yes. Like that's the one I like. Yes. I just- Much more into that. Such a sensitive butt. My best friend growing up was very into anal and in high school.

Isn't that weird? Now, I know it's common now, but it was not- Back in the day, no. Back in the day. Back when dinosaurs were- Girls were not into anal. And Sylvia was. She was straight though.

Oh yeah. And so she just was like, forgot, was she Catholic? No, Jewish. That's part of our thing. You know,

we don't let them, the Catholic girls, they don't let you fuck them. So they, you fucked me in the asses. I know. They get away, you know,

because God doesn't know the buttholes there. Right. Yeah. He's looking at the pussy, but if you sneak around the backside, he has no idea you're back there. He loves the pussy. Yeah, God loves the pussy.

So he stares at the pussy all the time. But if you just go around the backside and slip it in the ass, he has no idea it ever happened. Or they soak. You know what soaking is. No. Kids do this now.

Soaking is big in like the Mormon community, I think. They put it in and they let it sit because the act of sex is the friction of going in and out. So they say, if they do that, they're not violating the rules. Oh my God. Get soaked, baby. Soak.

That's what they call it. The kids call it. Are you kidding me? Yes, that's right. And so what they do is, then they have someone else that like jumps on the bed a little bit or pushes the bed. Are you kidding me? No, this is real. do is, then they have someone else that like jumps on the bed a little bit or pushes the bed. Are you kidding me?

No, this is real. This is fascinating to me. And it's like, so they're involuntarily fucking, but they're like, we didn't do it. Someone else was pushing us into each other. This is a real thing. That is so, this is insane. Soaking, that's what it's called.

The kids do, they figure out the best ways to get things done. These kids just, they found a way right around the rule. So another friend will bounce the bed. Yeah. Yes. You're adding someone else. It is a threesome.

It's a threesome. It's sex. It's sex. Yeah, you're having sex, but it's not. It is, but it's not. It's a threesome. It's sex. It's sex. Yeah, you're having sex, but it's not. It is, but it's not. It's so sad. I mean, I know we're joking, but it's so sad that religion does this.

No, it's very sad. It is really sad that it forces people to feel- It's also hilarious. It's so- You're forcing people to not do things. Do they soak in the ass? Maybe. They call it something else. They call it drowning.

That's drowning. Drowning. You soak in the pussy, you drown in the ass. That's just how it goes. That is a real thing. Religion has tricked people to feeling so bad about how they're inherently born, the feelings that they're born with.

I know, that's what I'm saying. It's so crazy. You're not allowed to feel this stuff. That's why with the priest stuff, when my mother explained priest to me, I never got my, wrapped my head around it. I was like, they can't marry a woman? Why?

And what did she say? They're servants to God or whatever the fuck it is. And nuns too. Well, nuns married, that's the weirdest one. Nuns say that their, their husband,

they're the wives of God or Jesus or whatever. So like they, they are married to God, which is the fucking craziest shit on earth. That's much crazier. Much crazier. And then the priests, you know what they did to figure out their whole thing.

Yikes. These guys. I mean, there's no proof of it. And it's all based on S&M. This is what an ex explained to me. I'm really looking at all of it. Like all the shit with the church. Yeah.

The Roman Empire. I mean, like the Vatican. It's so S&M. Have you ever been to the Vatican? Yeah. The Roman Empire. I mean, like, like the Vatican. It's so S&M. Have you ever been to the Vatican? Yes. It's, it is. It's insane. It's insane. It's the creepiest, it's most beautiful, creepy place I've ever seen. Right. But you go there and you can tell, you're like, bad stuff came out of here. Yeah. This is where it started. This is like the, don't tell anybody we do this thing. Right. And they were all like, well, we better get our own police. And they're like, good. well, we better get our own police.

And they're like, good, we do. We have our own cops. You know this. They have their own banks, cops. Everything. Everything. So if you get killed or anything happens bad in there, they just investigate it internally.

Little shady. The Jews don't do that. Yeah. They do. Well, the Orthodox and the, not the Orthodox, the Hasidic. There's a lot that goes on. They keep it inside, huh?

Everything is an inside thing. I watched a documentary about that. The woman trying to escape. Mm-hmm. Fascinating, right? It was, it's wild. Wild. Their community is wild.

They were bullying her into leaving. Yeah. Like it was like, they'll kill you if you leave. You fucking, it's kind of like how I assume when they talk about Scientology, when they had said that, like that, what's her name? Leah Remini was like, if I left, they would have killed me. But you got it.

I got to watch that documentary. I didn't see that one. It's a lot. It's heavy. It's too much. Yeah. It's too much. Yeah.

I don't, I mean, the Hasidic, that whole, I don't even know. It's so beyond anything I know. Could wrap your head around. Yeah. It's completely. Well, because you're a sinner. You're a bad, bad girl.

Yeah. You're a bad, bad girl. I know. It's completely- Well, because you're a sinner, you're a bad, bad girl. Yeah. You're a bad, bad girl. I know. It's so, their whole thing is like, it's a cult. It is so far beyond anything. It's not Jewish. It's a completely different religion. It's not Jewish to you?

No, not at all. Right. It's nothing of what I grew up around. Well, we'll get them to stop somehow. I'm just glad that like, you know, the orthodox, like the women cover their elbows

and, you know, collarbones and knees because I, you know, and their heads because that's what they have to cover. You know that

so that men don't get hard and don't get excited because I, you know, when you see a woman's knee, that's the hottest part of their body and their elbow. I come when I see a woman's knee.

When I see women in shorts, I just, I can't stop coming. Yeah. Their knee. Yes. Not their anything else. When I see a woman

wearing shorts and her knee is out, I am just, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. I saw a woman's elbow the other day

and I fingered myself in the bank. I was like, I couldn't even make it. Yeah, I couldn't even make it to the bathroom. I saw her elbow

and I was like, yeah. What are you looking at? And I was like, just right at her elbow. Are you on tour? Are you doing a tour right now? Yeah, I've been on tour for months and I'm touring more. I mean, I'll be touring all fall. It's at jessicacurson.com.

You're in it. Please don't go to my website. Don't go to her website. Don't come to my shows, please. Don't go to her website. Don't come to my shows, please. Don't go to her shows. Yeah. It's, listen, I love, I love touring because I love being at these shows and doing them.

I hate the travel. You know, it's the same thing. It's so shitty. Yeah. But you're flying private jets all over the country now and that's just how you do it. Sometimes I walk because, again, I'm so healthy. So sometimes I just walk from state to state.

Oh. No, not even to the venue, from state to state. Oh, from state to state. Like where are you next? Or jog. I am, I have a couple of one-nighters. Like I'm in Dallas for a night this week in upstate New York.

And I'm doing a weekend in Dallas coming up. You're going to walk to Dallas? Yeah. I jog part of the way, sprint. Sometimes I do, I set up. You ever trot? I trot. Yeah.

You trot sometimes? Yeah. When's Dallas? July what? Do you know? I think it's the 6th to the 8th or the 7th to the 9th. Go to her website and go watch her fucking shows. I think you are so fucking funny.

I'm glad we got to finally sit down. Oh, you're amazing. Honestly. I've heard the greatest things about you. You're just, you're so cute. Well, I think you were so fucking funny. I'm glad we got to finally sit down. Oh, you're amazing. Honestly. I've heard the greatest things about you. You're just, you're so cute. Well, I love you. And I told Chrissy,

I said, I said, do you want to do the show? And he goes, yeah. And I was like, well, will you ask her? Because it's so funny.

It's like, with New York comics, it's always when LA people come out here and we do shows or trade shows. Now everyone's starting to really get to know each other. We used to kind of just be ships in the night. Like maybe we've been on the same show if I come out here. We wouldn't know.

We would just pass through. Oh, yeah. But I admired you from afar. Oh, I've always admired you too because we have the same friends. Yes, we do. And we should get rid of some of them. Yeah.

Well, they'll die soon. I mean, people are in bad shape right now. Yep. Look around. Yep, it's bad. Yeah, yeah. It is very bad. I think you're great and everyone loves you.

Ditto. Yeah. Ditto. Thanks for having me. Go see her on tour. Her website is smackthostits.com. Yeah, lick it. Lick it, smack it.

Yeah, fuck my ass. What is it? Is it jessicacurison.com? It's jessicacurison.com. And then I have a TikTok with crowd work clips. You should go on Jessica. Watch. And we'll put it in the description below

so you guys can watch that stuff. Go see her. Youporn.com. Is it Youporn now? Yeah. If you put in face-sitting Jew, I come up on the first 11 pages. I'm very big on TikTok.

I mean, not Youporn. Same thing. Yeah. Owned by the same people for sure. The Chinese. Look into this camera right there and we end the show the same way with one word or one phrase.

It's going to be embedded in history forever. So I used to do a phrase, I used to do a word and people were like, okay, do one word. So then I said one word or a phrase. It's up to you whenever you're ready. Look in that camera.

Anything? Anything that makes, it's going to be the end of the episode. So this is how they're going to remember you, the fans. Um, oh my God, this is hard. That's it. No, no, no, no. You can go ahead and pick. You can take your time too. I can just ramble on until you think of exactly what you want to say. It is hard. I like putting, um,

putting comics on the spot to think of what the, and it doesn't have to be hilarious. It doesn't have to be genius, but it's got to mean something to you. A way that you want to end an episode. Well, I have a, it's kind of corny, but it's my hashtag for years. And it's always be silly. Even after all the joking around, be silly in life. It's important. I like that. It's true.

Thank you. I hope you die. In here, we pour whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.