Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Kaitlin Olson

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

Santino sits down with Emmy nominated Kaitlin Olson, to talk about stories from Always Sunny in Philadelphia, her new show Hacks, childhood trauma, her kids, Andrew's future projects with her (She Didn't Say That), and much much more! #whiskeyginger #kaitlinolson #andrewsantino #podcast COME SEE ME ON TOUR!!! https://www.andrewsantino.com ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast ============================================================================== SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! SQUARE SPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey BESPOKE POST Go to https://boxofawesome.com PROMO CODE WHISKEY DOORDASH 25% off and free delivery on your first order! OFFER CODE WHISKEY Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips Produced and edited by Joe Faria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey Dunn say. If it's your first time joining the show, thanks for joining the show. Please like it, subscribe it, click that notification button,

but just for a reminder, we've posted every single Friday since we've started. I don't think we've ever missed, and if we have, we haven't. How about that? If we have, we have not. We have not missed. We don't miss. My guest this week is the incredible, so funny, so talented Emmy-nominated

Caitlin Olsen. Two-time Emmy-nominated, by the way, but she's nominated right now. She's incredible. The Sweet D on Always Sunny. She got nominated for a hack. She had her own show to make. She's done a million things under the sun. She's so funny, so great, so talented. Thanks for being here, long-term fans, new people.

Welcome. Leave a comment down below for the Al Go rhythm. Keeps us moving. I genuinely appreciate the fans and the fanship. It means a lot to me. So I'm trying to bring you new people all the time. And Caitlin is new to the show. Happy to have her on. Enough rambling from me. Let's go all the time. And Caitlin is new to the show. Happy to have her on. Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour

whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger.

My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It is the incredible Emmy-nominated... I was trying to think of all the things to say about you, but I don't have anything else. That's it. That's kind of it. That's all you know about me.

Well, that's all I should know about you. Okay. You know what I mean? No. No? It sort of means like, oh, I didn't do any research and I've never watched any of your stuff before, but that's okay.

True, true, true. Yeah. Okay, if you want to start off on a good foot like that, you didn't put me on your show. Which show? I auditioned for the Mick. I don't know. Was I in the room? Four times. Oh yeah, no, I didn't. I didn't. Um, you know what it was? You were just too handsome. Is that what it was? Do you think that's what it was? Yeah. Sometimes when people are too good looking, it makes the rest of us feel... Sounds like shit to me.

Sounds like bullshit to me. I just don't remember you. It's Caitlin Olsen, everybody. Oh, hi. One of the greatest, most talented improvisational actors working today.

Can you say comedian or no? Do you not say it? I don't do stand-up. Yeah, whatever you want. See, I don't know if that... I don't like that that's the standard. I think a comedian is stand-up. No, it's not true. A stand-up. Yeah, you can, yeah, whatever you want. See, I don't know if that, I don't like that that's the standard. I think a comedian is stand-up. No, it's not true.

A stand-up is, see, I think you're a comedian because it's not that you don't, you can do outside of comedy, but you're probably the best at comedy. I'm funny. You're probably the best. I appreciate, that's very sweet.

That's probably your best, maybe your strongest. I don't know, maybe you have this drama bug that I know nothing about. Maybe I do. But do you? I did a lot of dramatic stuff in college.

Like I can do dramatic theater. I like it. But comedy is just like... University of Oregon. Yeah, University of Oregon. See? Where they're just known for their dramatic... Big.

Well, I went to Arizona State, which is a huge theater school. Oh, really? Yeah. A lot of people have come out of there. A lot of famous actors have come out of there and never made it, but they have come out of the school. But they came out alive. They came out. I didn't do a ton of research. I just wanted to go there because

it was close to my mom and dad. Yeah. And I didn't really want to move away from home too far because I really liked them. Yeah. Well, you're a PNW kid, as we call it, the Pacific Northwest, which I do like. The first time I heard PNW, I didn't really. But who doesn't make the cut of PNW kid, as we call it, the Pacific Northwest, which I do like. The first time I heard PNW, I didn't really. But who doesn't make the cut of PNW? Is Idaho in there? See, no, because that... I think it's just... But they'd want to be, I bet.

You know what it is? Western Idaho is included. Sure. Eastern Idaho should not be included. Yeah, who are they? Honestly, Eastern Oregon should not be either. Just like... You, let's see. Who listens to your podcast?

Mostly people that are in Eastern Oregon. Oh, shit. Oh, good. Okay. Yeah, no, they're like there's going to be a gun in the back of the pickup truck and probably a Confederate flag. It's just different from what you think of. You mean the American flag? Yeah, right, the American flag.

Right. We don't in the PNW really just like, you know, wear the American flag all the time. Well, I found it pretty, I've toured up there a bunch. I literally just did Seattle and Washington back to back. And I got to tell you, so much has changed,

which kind of in a sad way. Since COVID? Yeah, Portland was kind of sad. That sucks because it was sad when I lived there. I went away, heard about how great it got, all the restaurants. I would go back to visit. It was beautiful.

And then it just kind of... I just think COVID really clipped you guys really, really hard. Seattle's kind of recovered. Like Seattle's kind of humming again, which I loved because I like both of those cities. But something about Portland, it just hit a weird wall.

That's sad. Yeah. And anyway, what I found that was so odd over the years as I would go because I had good friends that were from there um it's like it's this like liberal hub this like super liberal hub yes and then 30 miles east seven minutes in any direction it's like the polar opposite I couldn't I was like mind. Yeah, we would go camping in the summer and you would meet people from like a town 15 miles over who were just like, oh boy, you guys have like a skinhead thing going on. My parents are smoking weed.

I don't, yeah. They're like, you want to shave your head? Yeah. Why do they have a Southern accent up there? There is people in- They kind of do. There's some kind of accent going on. Washington does have a good- Troutdale, yeah. They're like, you want to shave your head? Yeah. Why do they have a Southern accent up there? There is people in- They kind of do. There's some kind of accent going on. Washington does have a good-

Troutdale, Oregon, they got something. But why? How did that make it that way? I don't want to be rude. Go ahead. I don't think it's a Southern accent. I think it's just like a dumb accent. Sorry.

It's okay. You don't have to say sorry. I don't have it. The boys I would meet while we were camping that happened to be skinheads just also happened to be dumb. So maybe not all skinheads are dumb. I apologize to your skinhead audience. Not all skinheads are dumb. Not all skinheads are dumb.

There you go. There you go. We got it out. Clip that. Thank you. Let's rotate that around the internet. Today we're drinking a little bit of Blanton's. It's a beautiful bottle.

It's a pretty little bottle. I love, this is one of my faves. It's made from, it's made at the Buffalo Trace Distillery, which has a great history of making good stuff. So let's see if you like it. Cheers. And if you don't like it, don't tell me. Okay.

She doesn't like it. It's not. She doesn't like it. It's not that I don't like it. Is it too harsh? I'm just not a whiskey drinker. Yeah, the bite is strong. Oh, boy. It's like if you took rubbing alcohol and you just added like a hint of brown food coloring and then you cheers with it.

Yeah, is that what it's like? Yeah, it's nice. Now that it's down, it's nice. Now that it's down, it's nice. Now that it's gone, it feels good? Yeah, it feels good. It's like I've been cleansed with fire. What do you drink? I'm a brand new person.

Tequila, mostly. Yeah, what is that? I think I was talking to, I play golf, as you know, with your husband or partner, whatever you're telling everybody. Yeah, I don't want to say, I don't want to assume. We're married. He's my husband, and he's male. He is for now're telling everybody. Yeah. I don't want to say, I don't want to assume. We're married. He's my husband and he's male. He is for now.

For now. Yeah. And he tells me that he goes in and out of the sauce. You know, he takes big breaks. Yep. Meanwhile, Charlie, when we play with Charlie, I know Charlie pretends like he wants to take breaks. Yeah.

But he doesn't. He took a big break. One. At one point. I don't know where he is right now, but he did legitimately take a break while we were shooting. I only know because it was of note because I was shocked. You were like, look at you.

You're in a good mood. Look at you. Your skin looks nice. Yeah, you're rested. He's always in a good mood. But he's a big, like, just beer drinker. Yeah. He likes, well, he told me he likes the late night sauce.

Like, he says at night. After the kid's in bed. Yeah. That's kind of the time where him and his wife want to like do like that. He's like, that's my golden hour to go have something. Not going out and drinking all night. Four o'clock in the afternoon. Yeah.

Well, yeah, which is what we're doing. Right. Right now. Yeah. And so we should. Well, this is a special occasion. Well, you have boys, right? I have boys.

Yeah. Yeah. So who cares? About what? About parenting them correctly. It's like, what would it matter? No, I have all the responsibility because they're going to be white men. So I have to really double down.

I didn't know. And that makes me a little sick. A little sick. That my kids are white? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. It's a little disgusting.

I couldn't help it. I just, we ended up getting pregnant. No, you could have helped it. That's true. Look, it's never too late. It's just that what happened was Rob and I had sex and we're both white. Yeah. Not a fan.

Got to be honest with this white sex thing. You don't have to like it. It's just what ended up happening. It already happened. It's fine. I have so many things I do want to talk to you about. But let me say I should knock it out because, you know, I don't like to give praise at all. I don't love receiving it.

Okay, good. Congratulations on your Emmy nomination. knock it out because you know I don't like to give praise at all I don't love receiving it okay good um congratulations on your Emmy nomination I hope you don't win that's the balance you know what I give you a little bit of love and I take it right back but I appreciate it because I'm super honored and excited and I can't think of a worse thing in the world than having to walk up in front of everyone and accept something. What do you say? I don't know. I'll probably talk about how I'm sweating and maybe my diarrhea cramps.

Diarrhea cramps are good. That's a good go-to. It's just honest, you know? Yeah, what? You got nominated once before. We set off the show a little bit. And then did you have a moment? Have you ever seen For Your Consideration?

No. Oh, you must. Okay I will. Christopher Guest great great movie basically about like a you know a poorly put together film

that ends up changing shape as they're filming into something that becomes even worse of an idea and the cast is kind of who gives a shit maybe this won't be anything and then of course

they get nominated and then it dynamically changes how everyone's attitude becomes yeah yeah yeah like did you when you first got nominated did you kind of get the little thoughts of like what if this is this the do i start my award train now oh god no because it wasn't for sunny so for me i had to really fight to take it seriously the first time and this time i first of all, I had no idea that the nominations were even coming out. I had just dropped my kids off at camp and made it back. I was getting ready to go and do something.

And my phone was, the writers, Paul and Lucia and Jen Statsky, were FaceTiming me. And I thought it was a mistake. I was like, why were they FaceTiming me? Because we have lunch scheduled for next week. I thought they were confirming. And then they were like, congratulations.

And I was like, what did I do? Drop my kids off on time? I really had no idea. And honestly, my first thought was like, oh, God, this is my second one for something that's not Sonny. They're all going to die. Like, it's just I have to actively not treat it as a joke because it is. I'm very honored. Yeah, it is cool.

But in my home, it's kind of a joke. Oh, Rob talks shit. Yeah. Fuck him. He's happy for me. Has he been nominated? No. Well, then fuck Rob.

Suck a fat one, you dork. Yeah, you dork. You got nominated twice. You know what you should do? Is make, you know, make like banners and stuff like that. Yeah. That's like twice Emmy nominated. Yeah, yeah.

We get a lot of that. Like, there's a lot of, like, Craig Mazin, who is a genius, and he also works with Rob on Mythic Quest. Yeah, yeah. We get a lot of that. Like there's a lot of like Craig Mazin who is a genius and he also works with Rob on Mythic Quest. Yeah. And our friends who created Game of Thrones. Like we get a lot of group texts that are like just kind of congratulating me but more making fun of Rob for not.

It's great. Yeah. This is what needs to happen in that house. It's the reason I enjoy it. Well, you are the strongest character on Sunny. Oh, that is so sweet and I'll take it. It's very honest. It's very, very kind it. Well, you are the strongest character on Sunny. Oh, that is so sweet. And I'll take it. It's very honest. It's very honest, you know. Your husband's good.

He's good. He's got some work. He's got some work to... He's awesome. He's okay. But he's also very smart. So, like, his job is go write me something funny. Yeah. And then you show up and do whatever you want. Go pen it. Yeah. And Charlie's everyone's favorite. Yeah, that's...

You can't help it. I agree. And Dennis is like the most talented actor I've ever worked with. But you have so much heavy lifting on the show. Don't you think? Truly. Yeah, but it's so fun. It's hard being the only female lead on that show.

Is it? Yeah, I've done it. You have? Yeah. Yeah. You have a tough time? It's different just because you're the only redhead on your show. It doesn't, it's not the same thing.

That's true. I'm the only redhead on every show. But they feel the same, every show. Yeah. You know, my niece and nephew are very redhead, redheaded. Oh, poor kids. They're cute. I love them.

How are they, though? Very cute. Are they going to be okay? They're great. Like, do they look like they might have a future if the redheaded thing doesn't hinder them? Oh, no, no, no. They're going to have to lean if the redheaded thing doesn't hinder them? No, no, no. Okay. They're going to have to lean into the redheaded thing.

You really got to go for it. Yeah. And initially, I thought it was going to hurt my career. No. Yeah, but when you're young, you don't know. You're like all these handsome, dark-haired, tall guys. And I was like, they don't—it would be me in a room for auditions. It would be me and seven other guys who kind of have my average face, beard,

but nice brown or black hair. And I was always like, well, they're not going to go with the sore thumb in the room. Well, you could be like the wacky neighbor. They did try to put, yeah, the wacky best friend. The wacky best friend. I've always been the wacky best friend. It's the best role. It's crazy because I don't have any friends in real life so it's kind of like, I really have to research. You don't know how to be a friend. No idea. Well, just start making big loud noises and

burst into a room. That's all the wacky friend needs to do. That's what wacky friend does? Yeah. I'm here! Yeah, that's right. This guy's so good. Suck up all the oxygen in the room. And then take stuff and leave. Yeah, right. Move stuff around, take it. Put stuff in all the oxygen in the room. Yeah. And then take stuff and leave. That, that's, yeah, right. Move stuff around, take it. Yeah, put stuff in your pocket and leave.

Very Kramer. Very Kramer. Yeah. Whatever happened to him? Well, he, what did happen to that guy? What happened to Kramer? Huh, he was so good. He had such promise.

Okay, look, let me get back to, so Hacks is the show that you're nominated for. Yes, great show. Is it? I've never seen it. It's okay. I'm being genuine. I love that. I love that.

Thank you. Only because I'm always jealous when a show has stand-up as the score. Oh, I get it. It's hard for a stand-up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Well, imagine how Hannah must feel who plays opposite Jean and is a stand-up in real life. I know.

Well, but they- I wonder if they like, if she gives her tips. You think Jean Smart has taken notes from Hannah in real life. I know. Well, but they... I wonder if they like... She gives her tips. You think Jean Smart has taken notes from Hannah? Probably. Yeah, maybe. To a degree. To a degree. But then is also like don't tell me what to do, you young bitch. She probably is doing it just like as an icebreaker and then she leaves and she's like, did she really

think I was serious? She's great. Jean Smart is very cool. Very nice. She's the best yeah legitimately like a good from Seattle

another PNW really did she get nominated oh yeah yeah she did yeah everybody did on that show right

who's gotten nominated from Sunny for Emmys nobody just me I love that yeah yeah not for Sunny

but just from Sunny isn't that cool yeah what do you think see this is my whole thing so I'm ignorant to the whole award thing. Me too. I don't have any business in it.

Not me neither. It'll never happen, and I'm glad it'll never happen for me. You don't campaign, all you hear is people like, you're campaigning a lot. You didn't at all do anything. No, I think, I mean.

But now you have to. You mean now that I've been nominated, I gotta do this stuff. Don't you have to do the rounds and do the thing? Yeah, I think you, yeah, you've got to do that stuff. Yeah, that's kind of strange. See, for me, that's hard because my big thing, I always want to show up to an event not looking like I cared too much.

I never want to be too dressed up. I'd rather be underdressed. That means you kind of can float in between, right? Yeah, but I just mean, like, in general, that's just my personality. So, like, going out and, like, campaigning to, like, try and win an award is so upsetting for me. Like, I don't know. Like, can't this be good enough? Thank you.

I mean, the nomination, I think you could just be like, I did it. This is it. I did it. Thank you so much. Goodbye. Yep. Bye. Can I have more money for the thing then?

Oh, yeah. Hey, Paul and Jen and Lucia, do I get more money now? Do I get more money because of the thing? Maybe, yeah. I think you do. I'll talk about it. Can I send it to Quick Text? Hey, guys.

Been talking to Andrew Santino about money. He has an idea. He's got an idea about getting paid. I think it's daunting. I read a good friend of mine, Jake Lacy who i did uh a show that tanked called i'm dying up here about stand-up we did that show together um and uh he just got nominated for uh white lotus oh yes and i sent him a text that said um you know i know you're getting a barrage of texts of congratulations but i would never say those words to you so fuck you and he was like

love you so much that's nice because it meant. So fuck you. And he was like, love you so much. That's nice. Because it meant more. Yeah, yeah. You know, because instead of like people from your past, you know, he is a good friend. We do still communicate. So it's not like someone I worked with once and never talked to again.

Yeah. We're like, we're like a family. No. You'll never see them ever again. Yeah. But with him, I know he was getting a lot of texts from people that are like, hey man, congratulations.

Yeah. And that's what would bother me the most about that thing. It's like people clapping for you. I hate it so much. Or just like, I don't know, when everyone's looking at you and you're not in character and they're like, let's just pretend.

It feels yucky, huh? Yeah, I don't like it. I don't know. Yeah, but I mean, you know, look, if you do win it, the one request I do have is that you say my name on the podium, which I know you'll do.

You want me to thank you? I think you should. Okay. For all that you've done name on the podium, which I know you'll do. You want me to thank you? I think you should. Okay. For all that you've done for me? Well, this will be your career. You think this is going to be it? This will be the campaign. Okay.

We started off talking about skinheads. I think this will campaign us into winning an Emmy. Well, I lost their vote, so hopefully they're not voters. It's a bummer to lose the skinhead vote. I know. But you have to pick. That's true. You do.

You've got to pick, don't you? You do. You've got to pick a lanehead vote. I know. But you have to pick. That's true. You do. You got to pick, don't you? You do. You got to pick a lane. I'm so sorry. Yeah. It's so funny that that's like a true, honest thing that the country avoided talking about for so long was they're like, you got to denounce racists. And still people were like, well, do you?

All the way? I'm not here to be political. I don't want to pick sides. Oh, it's very easy to pick that side. I don't want to pick sides. I just want to be me. If the racist likes me, they like me. You know, what are you going to do?

No, but I do think I am very happy knowing that someone of your ilk is getting those things. Because I do feel like sometimes I see names and I'm like, I don't know who that is and I don't know what that show is. Well, I think that there's a thing that happens. I mean, look, there's just entirely too much television right now. There's so much I can't pay attention. But something will just hit and for whatever reason, it just checks all the boxes and we've all decided this is the

show you're going to watch this year and hopefully it and it really legitimately is a great show with great writers and great actors which it is i've heard it is yeah like i'm i'm i'm proud of it good yeah more proud of that than sunny you heard it here first kaylin olsen more proud of hacks the show that she's not a regular on than Sunny. I didn't say that. Well, yeah, you did. I didn't. You said it. Well, you're going into your 48th season of Sunny.

Yeah, it's 49. And congratulations. Oh. Thank you so much. I did talk to Rob about, we'd have like a kind of a candid conversation about, I was like, how long do you think you'd want to do it?

What'd he say? And he genuinely was like, honestly, it's so much fun with my friends and my family that he's like, I don't know, man. Which is the first time

I've ever kind of heard someone, look, of all the people that we know in a business, at some point, a lot of people go, hey man, it's seven years,

I want to get the fuck out of here. 100%. And now that I've worked enough on other shows, it just is, I don't think we ever really appreciated what we have. I mean, we, we, we did, we've always appreciated it, but it was like, what was it like in the seventh or eighth season where we started taking like a year off or Charlie did a movie and

that was exciting. And we had to take a year off and we were like, Oh, what does that mean? And then we started like, I did the Mick, which I loved, but it had its own challenges. Cause being on a network, sorry, but it was really hard. Fox, started like, I did the mic, which I loved, but it had its own challenges because being on a network, sorry, but it was really hard. Fox, right? Yeah, Fox. It sucked. Networks are hard. Really hard, and you're trying to,

you're writing the episodes as you're shooting them, so I don't have my showrunners on set with me, so I feel like all the burden was on me. If a scene wasn't working out, I'd be the one that's trying to like rewrite it. It just, it's too much. So you go off and you do something else and you realize how many challenges

other people have to deal with that we just don't. Like our dynamic truly works so well. No one is jealous of anyone else. We all really love working together. We have an amazing crew. No one is an asshole. We shoot really quickly. We're home to have dinner with our

families and we shoot for, you know, eight weeks. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, are you building a site? You trying to sell something, publish content, blog, post just cool photos of you on the internet and talk about how dope you are? You can do that too. on the internet and talk about how dope you are. You can do that too. Squarespace is the place to do all this stuff. It's the all-in-one platform, building your brand and growing your business online.

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that bummed me out because I I have been a fan of the show for so long uh and now knowing you guys is kind of

it's tough now now I don't want to watch it okay you know just because I know what kind of scumbags you guys really are in real life

oh oh that part that's what you realized just yucked me You know, I lived in a fantasy world where you guys were wonderful people off camera, but then you sat down with Robin Charlie and then I showed up. Yeah. It's a major yuck fest. I know. I'm so sorry. No, but one of the things he said, because I told Charlie I was going to Ireland and I just got back and, um, the, the Ireland episode that you guys had. And I don't know if somebody in our group had talked about it when we were playing and was like, that's awesome you guys went all the way to Ireland.

We didn't go to fucking Ireland. We met you. It was like Marina del Rey or something like that, right? It was Bodega Bay up like Northern California. Oh, it was up north. Yeah, and so they had these beautiful cliffs, but they were, because it was California, it was all dry and brown.

And then they added the green in afterwards. Posted all that green. beautiful cliffs. But they were, because it was California, it was all dry and brown. Yeah. And then they added the green in afterwards. Posted all that green. Isn't that so sad that we're living in California? Yeah, it's all fake. Like we had to green it up. It was fucking repulsive.

California is dying, so it was very dead. Opposite in Ireland, by the way. It's very much alive. I was just there and it was... Beautiful.

I don't know. You also are in this fantasy because you're across the globe and you're like, I'm in this foreign place. And you fit in because of your coloring. Well, finally.

Yeah. Finally. The amount of people I saw applying sunscreen made me feel so at home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we went to go see one of these castles

in Kilkenny and honestly, outside watching the whites put on sunscreen, I was like, look at us. Yeah. Look at us.

And we're going inside, by the way. We're going inside. And we're still putting on sunscreen. You just never know. No, because it could get through the window. There might be like some light peeking in. Stained glass does reflect light. Absolutely.

And you can get burned. Good for you for taking care of that skin. Had to. Yeah. Well, by the way, I'm going to call him out one more time. And I don't care that he wants to fight me over it. But Rob always does say, I better reapply. My wife will be pissed if I don't reapply sunscreen.

Because he's whitey-whitey too. He's very white and he is covered in freckles and we both have had things cut off. Oh, have you really? Yes. That's my biggest fear. Yeah. Well, it's coming. It's coming and it's fine if you get it in time.

Would you get it back? No, I've got like a little spot right here. Oh, yeah. I see it. It's red. Um, hence the bangs that way. Um, how recent is that? It's not that recent. It was like a year and a half ago. Okay. It'll come, the redness kind of comes and goes. I don't know what's happening. My grandma had like a whole chunk of her leg cut out. See, this is the thing about us. My dad's had some nose shaved off just a little bit. It looks great. Shave the nose? Well, you shave it so you don't have to go cut like a hunk out of it.

Yeah. But your mom or your grandma, the whole leg? The leg? That was a bit of a divot. Yeah, you could see that. But listen, I don't know what kind of doctor did it. I think they went just hacked away. They were like, listen, you're 70. You don't care. Isn't that funny that sometimes you hear these experiences with doctors where, like my wife's grandmother, they fucked up her surgery so bad she lost a part of her leg. What? Yeah, legitimately. Like the circulation had been – like something during surgery went wrong and then her circulation got cut off to her leg and then she lost fucking – Oh, God. Yes. She should have just not done the surgery in the first place.

I don't know what the problem was. That's, no, the problem, well. Was she going to lose her leg from whatever was going on? Yeah, she was going to lose her leg. Oh, wow. No, no, no. It was something else, and I can't believe. This is a lose-lose situation.

It was bad. And I was like, didn't you guys sue the doctors? And apparently there was no suit for malpractice because it was like, I don't know what the loophole was. But I was like, I had a suit until I died. I had a, when I was 12,

this story's out there, but I had a bike accident. I fell over, I flew over my handlebars, slammed on the front brake, landed on my face and my face was like gone from here down. My teeth were like shoved in the back

and the bike landed on my head. And we went to, now again, I kind of said I was from Portland or you did. I want to be very clear. I was, I'm not from Portland. The internet said that. Yeah. I'm from a town called Tigard, which is like 15 minutes outside of Portland. Way less cool. Yeah. So whatever emergency room in Tigard, Oregon I went to, they were so concerned with my face that they, my head was bleeding and they were like, well, heads bleed. They sewed it up. They took an x-ray, but they never looked at the x-ray. Just wanted to take the picture?

Yeah, they were like, we'll just take it for good measure. But let's throw it, you know, on a table somewhere because we're very concerned about your mangled face. And then that whole night went by. They sent me home. And the next day they had to call my mom and go, hi, where is your daughter? She was like, she's sitting up on a counter. Okay, can you go help her off the counter and put her in a chair and then come back to the phone? They looked at the x-rays and they were like, she's a giant hole in her head. We just missed

it. What? We missed it? We missed it. So you had, did you have like a contusion? The, the handlebar landed on my head and punched like a big hole in my head. So there was all these like bone fragments and like dirt sitting on my brain that they sewed up just to allow the festering to start. Dirt sitting on your brain? And yeah, and probably some rust. I don't know how old that bike was. Yeah, it was an old bike.

Yeah. And so then you go back. Do they have to like scoop it out, fix it up? Oh, I went right into the hospital. Yeah. How was your brain afterwards? Pretty bad. It was pretty bad before, but you know, it's pretty bad.

Do you think it helps your comedy? Are you one of those people like an accident made you a savant well not from the hit on the head but just from like being horrifically hideous for going to junior high school what do you mean you were ugly as a kid i i was ugly as a kid but then i my face was like reconstructed so the swelling was like out to here i had a fryer tuck shaved head they kept the bangs because i was like out to here. I had a friar tuck shaved head. They kept the bangs because I was like, please don't shave all of my hair. I'm a 13-year-old girl. So I had bangs and like periphery. And then all of this was bald.

What did they call you? Walking into junior high school. They didn't call you? Did they get a name for you? They probably did. I think they were kind enough to keep it from me. Because that's pretty brutal. That's brutal.

Oh, yeah. I didn't feel so good. She could have died. We can't make fun of her. Yes. But at one level down, you're's brutal. Oh, yeah. I didn't feel so good. She could have died. We can't make fun of her. Yes. But at one level down, you're open season. No, no. They didn't make fun of me right away, but then, you know, your hair doesn't grow back in a week and a half.

I spent all of junior high school just trying to grow that thing out. So you were bald in junior high? Yeah. Damn. Day one. Was that tough? Yeah. Yes, it was.

Thank you for asking, Andrew. Were you dating were you dating a boy dating no I was just gonna say I don't think that's like on the checklist did you have a boyfriend

prior to that no in 6th grade no what do you mean 6th grade is when you start to kind of that's true that's when you get

into the thing I was not I was very shy and very not cool I was not interesting to boys okay what about when you got to high school

were you cool and hot no you weren't cool and hot in high school no no no I was still recovering. I think it took— It took about 10 years to get through all that?

It took a good long time. Yeah, because then what I did was I went a little overboard, and I had, like, a lot of hair, and I got it permed, and so I had, like, real permed hair. And then I was hiding my face in all of the hair. A lot of bangs. Just bangs? With, like, a sausage curl.

Bangs for life for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever makes me hide. And then eventually, when did you fall into being who you are? Well, in college, I discovered alcohol and fraternity parties and then suddenly I was really funny and cool.

Were you in a sorority? No. You wouldn't be. I can tell that you wouldn't be. No, that's not for me. What fraternity did you party with a lot? The Beta house was God, no. You wouldn't be. I can tell that you wouldn't be. No, that's not for me. What fraternity did you party with a lot? The Beta house

was right across the street from where I live. A bunch of Betas, huh? A bunch of Beta Cucks. Beta Theta Chi. Yeah, Beta Cucks. Beta Theta Chi. Yeah.

I wasn't in one. I couldn't... It was not for me. It's just that... What we did was become friends with a couple guys and then we were just friends. That's what we did.

But then they would do that thing where there's like a sorority and a fraternity and they have a party and then we were like, cool, we're here. And they were do that thing where there's like a sorority and a fraternity and they have a party and then we were like cool we're here and they were like you can't be here

the girls were like this is not this is for us and we were like we don't know how this works and they're like we're sexually assaulting them tonight that's right

you guys come back tomorrow you guys have to wait yeah you get in line to be sexually assaulted yeah yeah that's right that was my whole beef with the whole thing

was like it was so it was gross looking back it was also the authority like just cause a guy is two years older than you that he gets to bully you and you're like, it's like, dude, you're supposed to take it. It's a part of it. It's like, no, that's not. That's an

awful way to be. Yeah, it's just bad. I don't want to drink piss to be buddies with you. No. Like, maybe if we become friends, I might drink your piss later. Well, that's funny that that's my choice. If I do that to surprise you, that's hilarious. Fine. That's right. When you graduated, when you gradumated,

summa cum laude, I'm sure. Mm-hmm. Theater arts. What this was going to say before is I didn't really do a ton of research on the college. I was like, it's got a great theater department. It was a great Shakespeare department. It is a good school. It's a great school. Yeah. Yeah, but... But I just remember going to the department head and being like, hey, we were having a lot

of guest Shakespeare actors. That's great, but what if I wanted to going to the department head and being like, hey, we were having a lot of guest, like, Shakespeare actors. That's great, but, like, you know, what if I wanted to do TV and, like, move down to— And they were like— Why would you want to do TV? These big, flaming, closeted gay department heads were just so upset with me for wanting to do TV. Because TV is disgusting to stage people. Disgusting. Yeah, theater people are like, television?

That's right. They were so upset. You want to sell your fucking soul? Yeah. And you're like, mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, I do. I can't wait. For a lot of money yeah i cannot wait sell me out baby sell me now that's why i never was welcome in the i did a couple of theater things in college and uh they knew right away they were like you're a fucking clown you don't want to do this for real

and i was like well i just want to be funny well i want to have fun yes i wanted to have too much fun and i could tell that they didn't like it. They were very much like, you need to take this more serious. Yeah. It's like, but it's not. It's Shakespeare. Like, we don't talk like that. This is bullshit.

This is silly. Yeah. And I kind of got fucked off. But I was rewarded by some of the either teachers or instructors or whatever that were like, you're good if you really gave a fuck. I was like, I know, but I care about it this way. And they didn't like any of that stuff. So then when I left, it was very obvious I had no space in theater.

I'm always impressed by actors who are in our world but also do theater. I'm always like, how the fuck do you have that balance? Because I feel like they're so different. And the cultures are so different that it's hard to blend with both. You know? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I, just to be clear, I hated the Shakespeare part

because I was like, okay, but this just feels silly to me. I'll do it. But like I, on the smaller stages where like the graduate students were directing stuff, that was fun. Like that stuff was fun to do.

That is cool. Yeah, like I loved doing those plays and stuff. And it's nice for me. The nice thing about doing theater is that you start and then you build up and you go all the way through to the end of the place. There's no like stopping and starting. Yeah. Which I think if there's anything emotional going on, it's really helpful to start and like finish it because you just naturally build up to being emotional. Comedy comedy I can kind of just turn on and off yeah

well that's why anytime I'm shooting anything that has too many takes yeah at some point you're like I just don't think I'm done

I don't think we can do this anymore I don't have anything else to give you and it's gonna be bad now yeah just put three cameras on me I'm doing this four times we've dulled the blade at this point

yeah that it's like this isn't even a knife anymore that's that is the hardest thing about very particular or really you know specific directors with a vision is when they want something and they want to get it over and over and you you can't hide it i'm always like i start to get self-conscious because i'm like okay you're back again giving me another note and i should i quit

yeah i i feel like i should just quit because either you're not being clear or I just don't know what you're talking about. This is all I've got. I'll do it five different ways. Can't give you anything else. Yeah, you're tweaking weird stuff. Also, I hate you and I disagree with you. What I just did was great. I'll direct it. Go home. Fuck out of here. Yeah. Where's the editor?

That's right. In a cage. I gotta take a turn. It's just a self-preservation thing. When you came down to LA, where's the first place you lived? I lived in Manhattan Beach. Oh, so that's nice. Well, only because my boyfriend at the time had a cousin who was living in Manhattan Beach and I moved in with her because I had a place. A boyfriend you moved from college to LA with?

It wasn't the plan. We went through like this very elaborate breakup because he was going to stay and I was going to move to LA and of course we were gonna break up for a while but we'd probably meet back up.

Of course you'd end up together. Oh yeah, and we had this, we spent like a weekend at the beach and had this long goodbye and then he was like, I think I'll come with you

to LA and I was like, what? It was the most unattractive thing that's ever happened to me in my life. Go do your own thing,

loser. Ew, yeah, we just had a whole, I'm going to LA. You're following me? What was he doing? He wasn't an actor. He, um, hadn't, he was

a couple years older than me, but still hadn't graduated, and so he was gonna graduate and, um, Was he gonna graduate? I don't think he ever graduated. Yeah, no. No, and he's a, let me just say. He's listening to this now. He might be listening. Polishing a gun, just putting on lipstick. This is right up his alley. He was very funny.

I think he went on to do, I know he does improv in his hometown now. And you did too. I did a little bit, yeah. I didn't do improv, he does like improv shows, like improv games. You did improv at, where were you, Groundlings? I did the Groundlings, yeah, which I liked the sketch comedy part. I was like dreaded the improv part. Oh, why?

Because I am a perfectionist and I like to write something hilarious and know that what I'm about to walk out on stage and do is going to be the best thing that anyone's ever seen and then go home. I don't like going out and going, oh, I might fail out here. I'm too insecure for that.

Don't do standup. No, I won't. But also because we write as much as we can, but then there are moments when you're like, well, I've got to work out some shit. That's the part. See, I can do like, I can hit bullet points. That's fun.

That's why I love doing, I like messing around with dialogue or doing Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is all improvised. I like that because there's a storyline and I don't have to come up with the storyline or the ending or the, you know. You're finding what's there. Yeah, I'm. I like that. Yeah. Because there's a storyline and I have to come up with the storyline or the ending or the, you know.

You're finding what's there. Yeah. I'm good with like dialogue, but I don't want to be responsible for, I just, I don't want to let anyone tell. Did any,

do you do improv with anybody or sketch, I mean, with anybody that blew up? Like you? Dax Shepard and I were in the same. Never heard of him.

Oh, he does a very successful podcast. You should listen to it. Never heard of him. Andrea Savage yeah yep she and I were together also

super funny yeah um Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone were a couple no idea okay this is fun

give me a lot of nobodies okay good good good good she's incredible she's so great they're both wonderful I blew an audition with them more than worse than I've ever

oh no and they were both kind of like wanted me to do well. Oh, yeah. They're so sweet. Yeah. What happened to you?

Same thing that happened on the mic? I had a really bad day. Like something went awry and I finally made it late to the audition and I was just too honest. I was like, this is going to suck. Oh. And they were like, why? That's not a great thing to start with.

I was like, this, I'm not, this isn't, and I ate the fucking biggest bag of shit. Oh, no. It was fun. Are you a good auditioner? Do you like auditioning? If I like what it is, yeah, I can kill it. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's so strange. If I like what it is, there's one of those moments where, you know, like with Curb, I knew there wasn't a doubt in my mind. That kind of thing where you're like, I'm going to kill this fucking thing. That's how I felt in the Curb audition and in the Sonny audition. You knew in Sonny you were like, who the fuck is going to beat me? Yes. And then also Rob was like, she's okay. No, he had no interest.

Zero? Have you talked to him about this? No, zero interest. That was all me. Oh, really? Yeah. You pursued him? Yeah, but I wasn't interested in him in the room because I was like,

who's this very tiny little boy who's running the show? Good for him. And you're a waiter too, right? Oh, cool. But no, it was after we started shooting and he was just so good at his job. And like showrunners, that's a hard job. It's impossible.

It's impossible. He's so good at it. Yeah, he's really good. And then you were like, hey, do you? Yeah. Do you like the way I look? Yeah.

You don't seem to be paying any attention. You're laughing at what I'm saying, which I love. But like when we're not rolling, you still want to hang out, right? And he was like, no, I'm busy.

Oh, really? And he was. Did he reject you when you guys first started kind of going for it? Well, look, if I'm being 100% honest, I had a boyfriend. So he was being very respectful of the fact that,

and I wasn't doing it on purpose. This is all after like five drinks at a barbecue. I would just find myself accidentally leaning into him to talk, you know. He was like, you've got a boyfriend. Get away from me. What are you doing? Get away from me. I was like, we're on a break.

Something like that. There you go. Yeah. And then away from me. I was like, we're on a break. Something like that. There you go. Yeah. And then I broke up because I was like, I like someone else. What did the boyfriend say? He was not happy. Is he still around? Like, am I still dating him?

Oh, is he still alive? He's alive. Yeah. I didn't have to. No, I killed him because it was just too uncomfortable for me. For him to know. I need a break. He's like, I don't want to.

I need a break. I'm telling you. don't want to... I need a break. I'm telling you. I tried to tell you. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, summer is here, baby. It's summer time. Take your summer adventures

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that meet the minimum subtotal terms. Apply. Ginger. I like gingers. Then, first come love then comes marriage. Yes. And then comes any, did it ever present issues when you guys were working together? Be real. No, but we were scared that it was going to.

I didn't actively consciously pursue him. I just really, really liked being around him. And then we would go to like a barbecue and I would drink too much and just, you know. This is a woman's way though that you're like, I really like you as a human being. Yeah, yeah. I want to be near you. Yeah, I want to be near you. Where guys are like, I want to consume you and bite you and kill you and eat you.

And when he didn't want to do that, I was confused. Yeah, don't you want to fucking kill me apart? Yeah, so then I had to get near her. Right. You know what I mean? So once you enticed him. Then he figured it out. And then it was all downhill.

And then it was like, it was just casual. But then he was coming over to my house every weekend and like during the week and then it got away from itself yeah it got away and then we were like this is a bad idea

so then we kept it a secret and told nobody on the cast no cause we I felt this is only season two and like we were all doing really well

and to go through a breakup or like have something go it just would have been a bad idea yeah but it was good for the show though I think it well if they wrote it in maybe but yeah that would have been a bad idea. Yeah, but good for the show, though. I think it, well, if they wrote it in, maybe, but.

Yeah, that would have been fun. Oh, God. No, we were, I was not looking forward to that. No. So then you finally told people, though. Who's the first person you guys told? I want it to be Danny, whether it is or not. I don't think it was Danny.

I don't even remember telling Danny. I remember telling Charlie and Mary Elizabeth in an elevator in New York because we were sneaking, we were traveling a lot back then. Were they married at the time? They were married. They had just gotten married, yeah. Between season one and season two. Okay. And when we would travel, we would have hotel rooms, but Rob would

always be in my hotel room and then they would randomly, accidentally bump into him on my floor. Aren't you on 14? I know. We were like so we were like they're gonna know because you went out for coffee you had two coffees in your hand and like they of course had no idea i'm not paying attention to what floor he was on no nobody cares they were like oh weird really great that's so weird for how long why wouldn't you tell us weird okay nobody knew like that no and also didn't care. Because usually people, someone picks up a clue. Someone usually goes, they were leaving at the exact same time.

But he's, Rob's so good at appearing disinterested in anybody. Trust me, I know. Yeah. I felt that a lot. Yes, me too. Yeah. I was like, wow, he's really good at pretending not to care about me right now. Yeah, that's the thing that I think that your husband does is pretend, like he'll send me a lot of texts being like, lose my number, disappear.

You're an awful person and a bad comedian. You're not good at golf. And it'll go on and on and on and on. And then it'll hurt. It'll really hurt. Yeah. And then a day or two later, he'll be like, what do you got going on this week?

Yeah, he loves you. I think that's just a, yeah. That's how he shows love. Right, right. Yeah. Well, his like core group of friends who he went to high school with, some of them even before that, like maybe middle school or something, they're all really good friends still and we all get together

and they're just like digging at each other the entire weekend. You have to. Yeah. That's that. But they also like hug and kiss each other. They love each other. That's an East Coast thing, I think. You don't do that on your side,

do you? No. In fact, I would go over in the beginning and see them and they would all like hug and kiss me on the lips and I was like,

I don't, okay, are we all lip kissing? I don't like that. I don't love it. It's like saved for boyfriends and parents. I've talked about this show

and it's gonna, at some point, it's gonna bite me in the ass but I've talked about a friend of mine in our friendship circle. he kisses you she kisses oh she kisses you hold on i do i don't like it i don't like that either there is one but i love her of the wives i love her too there's one of the wives the wives don't do it everybody kisses on the cheek there is one who kisses on the mouth and it's very uncle i just i throw my

cheek i come in with my cheek at this point yeah yeah i like my arms are going up for a hug and my head is completely to the side by the time i get there just this yeah and i just i just want to make it very clear like i don't want to talk about it but i'm okay if she's like oh she really doesn't want me to kiss her on the lips because i don't. Yeah. It's a cultural thing too depending on who your family – Like my dad, Sicilian, all of them would kiss people. And I fucking hated it. Yeah. But when you're little, they grab you. Yeah.

And you're like, God, fuck. No, that's gross. I hated it so much. And they have bad breath because they're old. Always. Yeah. Always. Yeah.

Why do the elderly not get it together? I don't know. I will say this for my dad who's not elderly at all, but he has always been so very, he's like obsessed about having clean teeth because he understands that like as people age, for whatever reason, they have bad breath. Well, you know what the reason is.

They don't floss and they barely brush. That's disgusting. Yeah, I know. You don't get to just stop flossing and brushing just because you're old. Yeah, but doesn't it fuck you up? I always see people with bad teeth or like it's not bad like jagged. I like jagged teeth.

No, jagged's fine. It's not that at all. It's the cleanliness. You can see them and you're like, what do you got going on? And doesn't that, don't you taste it? Yes, they do taste it. You've got to be able to taste it. And smell it?

I don't think they can smell it. I think people with bad breath can't smell that they have bad breath. COVID's good in that regard. Yeah, but, oh, yeah. Also, I never thought, I mean, I'm obsessively clean about my teeth. I'm also. You do have really nice teeth. Thank you.

I'm also chewing gum like 90% of the time or I have a mint in my mouth. Be careful. Is it xylitol gum? Does it have xylitol in it? Oh, I thought xylitol was good for you. Is it? See, fuck, I don't know the difference now. Xylitol's the good one because that's like an, like, if you're not using fluoride, xylitol's good. Oh, I thought xylitol was good for you. Is it? See, fuck, I don't know the difference now. Xylitol's the good one because that's like an ant, like if you're not using fluoride, xylitol's good.

Oh, shit. But you don't want like, are you, erythritol? Is that what you're thinking? No, I don't chew gum. Aspartame? Oh, aspartame. You don't want aspartame. That's what's in Coke, Diet Coke.

Yes, you don't want diet gum. Xylitol's the only good one. Diet gum. Do you need diet gum? Do you have diet gum on you right now? Can I get some diet? I saw in the airport in Italy, they were selling. My favorite thing is when they take, when a product in Europe is pronounced the way that they would say it.

Do you understand what I mean? Like the bubble gum was called bobble. Bobble. Like a bobble. To blow a bobble. And you're like, that's how we would joke about them saying bubble. Oh, bobble gum. Yeah, a bobble. Yeah. To blow a bobble. Oh, uh-huh. And you're like, that's how we would joke about them saying bubble. Yeah, oh, bobble gum. Yeah, a bobble gum.

Like, or they had the chips in, or crisps. Crisps. In Ireland at the pub, and I said, we hadn't eaten dinner, and I was starving, and dinners there aren't until fucking, the fucking Euro, especially. It's awful. 10.30. No, I'm asleep by 10.30. What the fuck are we?

So the dinner, the only time they had a reservation, which was their prime slot, said the concierge, was 9.45. No. I'm like, dinner? No. I want to be. I'm eating for the third time by 9.30 at night. Yeah, so of course I'm at the pub and I'm like,

do you have any crisps behind the bar? He's like, oh yeah, we've got Taito. Taito? And I looked at it and it's. That was the flavor? And it was a little potato. Oh, that's cute. And it was called Taito. And I was like, and it's... That was the flavor? And it was a little potato and it was called Taito. And I was like, this is when they hit it. That's adorable. They hit it right out of the park.

I do like that. Little Taito. They have good candies and yeah, weird names. Yeah, the dinner late fuck off. No, I'm not into that. In fact, I'm happy joking, like even friends now who want to go out to dinner with us, we are like, make fun of us for being old all you want. I want to eat at like between six and seven. What do do you mean that's the number now people are like we make

reservations for 8 15 i'm like i want to be done right around 8 15 that means i don't get my food till nine no no no no no no do you see what i mean i'm digesting it 8 15 to me i know what that you're sitting down you're someone's gonna be late i'm ordering a drink now it's 8 30 also by the way i've probably been drinking since like 6, 7. Yeah, because you made it too late. So now I'm drunk. Yeah, you made it too late. And then the server comes over, and he's in a bad mood for some reason.

And he's like, are you guys, do you want apps? And then someone at the table goes, you know, we're still waiting for Mike. Starts to walk away. No, don't walk away. Don't walk away. Also, don't ask me for my drink order and start to walk away if it's that late. Like, I'm going to put it in and I'm also going to give you some sort of food order. I want food

right now. Yeah, I'll take my drink first. Make no mistake, but that appetizer better be very quickly right afterwards. I just order everything at once. Yep, I love it. And people are like, I'm not ready. I'm like, well, it's not my problem. I don't care if you're ready. Yeah, that's okay. I'm not going to like walk up, I'm not going to get up and leave before you're done. But I'm going to finish before you. Yeah. I learned all that from my problem. Yeah, that's okay. I'm not going to like walk up, I'm not going to get up and leave before you're done.

But I'm going to finish before you. I learned all that from, my mom is one of 10. And so eating was like, it was not a privilege. It was like a luxury. You got to get it in. You had to get there in enough time

that you could get a good piece of whatever's there and eat it fast. So one of the brothers wouldn't eat the shit out of you and take it. So it was like, you had to fist fight for food. I like the idea of your mom the brothers wouldn't eat the shit out of you and take it. So it was like you had to fist fight for food. I like the idea of your mom's older brothers beating the shit out of her and taking her pork chop. 100%. The brutal people.

Like the most brutal. But these little Irish angry give me that. We're all fighting for so my mom will eat so fast and I'm the same way and I see it when we go out and I'll be reminded. Yeah. Oh. Because I'm like. By your mom or your friends? No, my wife. But my mom should be there. You're right. Yeah.

No, she'll always be like. She did it to you. It's kind of her job. No, because when we eat at home, I love it because we all just wolf it in. Yeah. When I go back to Chicago and I see my parents, it's like, it's awesome. Everyone's allowed to just vacuum their food in their throat. Yeah. And no one judges. I'm a fast eater too. Yeah. A big eater and a fast eater. You eat a lot? Yeah.

You do? Mm-hmm. Do you? Yeah, at one sitting. I don't eat a lot like all day long, but like dinner, I eat a, yeah. Because you're in phenomenal shape. What, do you just work out all the time? I don't work, well, I-

Or you don't eat bad shit? I don't eat bad shit. Yeah, fuck that. I'm sorry. No, no, no, it's fine. I grew up, listen, this is the one thing about growing up in a tiny little town outside of Portland with not a lot of money. My mom, well, the money thing doesn't really come into play here. She loves a garden.

She's like a live off the land kind of woman, whether they had money or not. But we had like a gigantic garden. She still does. But if you were hungry, you'd just go outside and grab the hose. Do you have that? I have a garden. It's not anywhere near as impressive as hers. Does she see it and she's like, this is shit?

Yeah, she shits all over everything I do. No, she's like the greatest. She's the greatest. I just took a picture. I have a peach tree for the first time that's giving me actual peaches. And it's so exciting for me. And my kids don't care at all. And Rob's like, oh, cool.

But that's all I'll get. So I'll text my parents with, like, pictures of my peach tree. And they're so cute. They're like, oh, my God But that's all I'll get. So I'll text my parents with like pictures of my peach tree. And they're so cute. They're like, oh, my God, that's so great. How does it grow in such a hellish place like L.A.? Gosh, I thought you guys were in a drought. When are you moving back to Oregon? Yeah.

My mom always is amazed that we even have any sort of resources here. Yeah. Just because she hears that it's like my parents are both like, you know, we'd like to come out in a couple months. It's probably on fire. I know. The news really a couple months it's probably on fire i know the news really does it my i just talked to them it's gonna be at some point i have had to evacuate my home once have you yes holy shit in the middle of the night wait really yeah where were you guys far far like way up like bell canyon that kind of shit no no no because that's where i've had a few friends like getty center oh yeah yeah right that one always yeah yeah we're kind of yeah somewhere around there and i woke up in the middle of the night

for no reason went downstairs and oh i opened the i like let the dogs out or something i don't know what i was doing i just my brain just woke up and it was like so smoky and i went up and told rob i was like it's smoky and i also I was aware that there were fires going on, but there hadn't been one that had started anywhere near us. Just up by Bell Canyon, that one was going on. It was like two or three years ago.

And he was like, I'm sure it's fine, go back to sleep. And I was like, I don't think so. So I texted two of my neighbors and they were both like, oh, we're already packing and evacuating.

So I packed us all up, including two dogs and two children. Whoa. Put them all in the car. Rob's still asleep. Yeah. Woke Rob up and I was like, you're packed. Come up, including two dogs and two children. Whoa. Put them all in the car. Rob's still asleep. Yeah. Woke Rob up and I was like, you're packed. Come get in the car. We're going. That is so funny that your neighbors are like, oh, we're in San Diego. We're halfway down. We're nowhere near you guys. Get out of there. I always feel bad for that. And my dad always has the same thing. He's always like landslides, earthquakes, fires. I'm like, you

guys have tornadoes. Yeah storms that paralyze the city that's right I was like what do you mean we're fine but a European said to me some dude in Italy said it's funny how

every natural disaster happens in the United States in at least one portion and I was like I guess that's true like everywhere you go you can either get hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes,

wildfires, winter storms that collapse. And I was like, God, I guess we are the best. I guess we're number one. What do you got, Europe, bitch? Rain? Yeah, that was the one thing.

We were hoping for rain by the time we got to Dublin because I thought we had spent all this time in the sun in Italy we live in the sun out here I kind of wanted Dublin to be dreary

yeah yes sunny yeah the whole time god bless global warming yeah that's what I said I said turn it up dude

yes yeah turn it up more sun bum on me yeah no I was kind of bummed that we didn't get rain I guess in the night we got like a little bit, but.

When was this? Like what month? I got back two days ago. Oh, okay. I literally just got back. Because it's their summertime, right? Yeah, but also it's never not rain. I mean, you talk to them and they're like, like my other, our other friends that we're

on the trip with, they went to London because they're British. Ugh. Ugh. I know. I know. These people, it's like. At least they aren't French. Ugh.

Ugh. The worst. God. My one French fan is just like, throws down his iPhone. No more. No, but they said it was shitty. They were like, yeah, London is all over the place. It's up and down and shitty. And I thought, maybe we'll get rain in Dublin.

It'll be great. And then we'll take a drive out to the cliffs and it'll be really dreary, fucking hot. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that's not what you want no that's like um every time we go back to my hometown for christmas we're like hoping for driving rain if not snow and every time we get there i mean it's december and my parents are like we're so sorry it's so rainy i'm like we use first of all stop apologizing yeah it's oregon it's supposed to be raining and it's christmas time that'm like, first of all, stop apologizing. It's Oregon. It's supposed to be

raining and it's Christmas time. That's what we want. You want shitty weather in Christmas. Fly out of the sun to fly into more sun for Christmas. People do that. See, we have friends that go on vacation for Christmas. To like Florida? Well, they'll go to like the islands somewhere. They'll either go to like

the Virgin Islands. Do they celebrate Christmas, these friends? Not really. Yeah. But I mean, kind of. But it's just not important to them to do the thing with the tree and all the bullshit. I gotta have the tree. I gotta have a tree.

And the stockings. I know. And PJs. You gotta get all bundled up in pajamas on Christmas morning. Do you take a family photo in all the same PJs? No. Kids won't do that. I don't think, I think they would do it. I don't think I would want to do it.

Oh, that's not true. I'm lying to you. I don't think, I think they would do it. I don't think I would want to do it. Oh, that's not true. I'm lying to you. I got. Everybody does it once. Well, because my one kid was obsessed with the dogs having matching stuff. So we got the whole family plus the dogs. See? Yeah.

You got to do it once. It's like anal. You got to do it. Take a photo of it. Take a photo of it. I didn't do that. You didn't do that when you do anal? No.

Oh. No. With the, with the Christmas trees we did. Oh. I didn't know you were supposed to. Yeah. I didn't do that. You didn't do that when you do anal? No. Oh. No, with the Christmas trees we did. Oh. I didn't know you were supposed to. Yeah, you have to document it. Oh, wow. Put it in the cloud, baby.

Yeah, that's true. Let somebody find it. Then you can look back on it and be like, oh, remember? That's what I think. I just got a notice that said your cloud storage is full. Because of the anal? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Every time I upload an anal photo. Yep. And they're huge photos. I bet. You've got a huge anus. Six gigs, yeah. So it's big. And every time I do, the cloud is like, And they're huge photos. I bet. You've got a huge anus. Six gigs, yeah. So it's big. And every time I do,

the cloud is like, you're running out of space, man. Take it easy. But what I think Apple should do if it really wanted to threaten me, because I'm never going to buy more space. When it sends me that thing, I'm always like,

get the fuck out of here. No, deal with it. I already have too much. Yeah. Every time it does that, I think it'd be good if it goes, you're running out of space. We're going to start leaking

some of your photos at random. Oh, that's a great idea. You don't want that. But you don't know which one it just on the day of it randomly algorithm selects and goes this one's going out oh it shows you yeah that's smart that'd be fun yeah it's like blackmail we're about to get into the um to that little world of like you know this the idea that's like oh computers are taking over machines are taking over i think that is the real scary version. Like actually where they're like, not they're going to beat the shit out of us and kill us. I think that's like this dystopian weird.

That's a movie. I think they're going to start doing stuff like this where it's like, we've decided we're allowed to. Because you know all this data stuff with Facebook? Like what did I just hear? BMW just announced, and I don't know if it's in the States yet, or this was just Europe. If you want to use their heated seats, you have to pay a subscription service. It's already installed in the car, right? Yes. Look it up the steering wheels and the seats. They're going to start charging subscription service. In fact, Tesla's are going to do

new subscription services for fully, um, you know, fully self-driving. Yeah. Yeah, the next year. Oh, it won't just do it? Uh-uh. You have to pay for it now. Even though it's in there, you have to start paying a subscription fee to use it.

That's not fair. See, that's what I think this is. It's not a cheap car to begin with. I know. That's not cool. But I think this is what the clever, this is the true takeover of machine over over human is they'll start going okay we just you just can't use our use our technology anymore and it's really shady damn

it i know god like i think sometimes the camera just won't work you know what i mean the camera will just be like no we don't take pictures on tuesdays right and that's my anal day that's your of course it is so how am i gonna upload yeah it's not taco Tuesday for you it's anal Tuesday we started the taco oh that's what gets that's what gets it all going taco Tuesday

tushy Tuesday it goes back to back oh yeah yeah you go front to back front to back yeah that's important always always

dangerous to go the other way yep I learned I learned the hard way the other way when you got married or I got a yeast infection I wiped

oh you did I'm sorry back to front and it was what a bummer. Those are the things having a sister that you hear as you're growing up that you're like, you hear your mom say something and you're like, front to back. Your sister's like, shut the fuck up. Shut up.

Yeah, it's just so embarrassing. Is she older or younger? She's my younger sister. Oh. But she's 30, so I say younger. Like in my head, she's my baby. Yeah. Because when she was a baby, I had to put her on these breathing machines.

Oh, why? She smoked so much pot as a baby. Yeah. And it's just bad lungs as a baby. Yeah, that's not good. I know. We got her off of the pot. Was it on your baby register?

She was born with these shitty nodules, something wrong with her lungs. So we had to put a breathing machine. And I remember holding her and of all the memories of me physically hurting my sister over the years, because I did often. Yeah, on purpose. I dislocated her shoulder a few times. Oh, jeez. Yeah, I threw her down the stairs. Oh, wow. You hurt her bad. Abusive relationship.

I loved her, hurt her. But that's the one image I see the most is me doing that. So in my head, she's a baby. Yeah, she's your little baby sister. Nah, she's 30. That's cute though. I like that you like her like that. I love her to death.

That's great. Do you love yours? My children? Your siblings? Yes, yes. You do? I have one older brother. You stalled.

Well, because I thought you were talking about my kids. Well, just because they're younger than me. He's older than me. I was the little one. I don't care about your fucking kids. No, nobody cares about people's kids. Yeah, I love him very much. What is he?

He is, right now he's an EMT, which is super cool. What a giving job. I know. Here you do, you take away from society. Do I? You go, give me the money and look at me do my thing. Right. And then he's just like, I need to help and save and help and save.

Yeah. I guess that's the balance. Yeah, yeah. Every family's got to have one, you know? Yeah, mine is give me give me give me I feel like I was the giver but now that you're now

what are you giving I mean I brought a lot of joy a lot a ton of joy joy is so overrated I was so sweet were you yes

I was the sweetest were you a really good kid mmhmm I was a rule follower I got good grades I mean I instantly forgot all of the information that I retained to get the good grades? I was a rule follower. I got good grades. I mean, I instantly forgot all of the information that I retained to get the good grades, but I just had to like check off the box.

What's your shortcoming then? What's your, what's the, what's your worst quality? Oh, I have a lot of bad quality. Well, I mean, look, part of me being like such a sweet person and a people pleaser was I was like deeply insecure. I just wanted to like fly under the radar. We moved in third, like the middle of third grade to like a, to me, a big school. And like, there were all the popular kids were already, they found each other. I was new. I just remember going like, oh, there's all these rules that you have to remember. Like someone came up to me and was like, oh, you can't, don't play her. I started playing with someone. They were like, you can't play with her.

Can't play with her. I was like, why? And they were like, look at her. And I was like, oh, shit. There's all this stuff I have to know. What was wrong with her? She just wasn't popular. I don't know.

Because she was ugly. She was not an attractive little girl. That is so mean, but that's real. Yeah, it's so real. Girls are really mean. Yeah, who's meaner to women than men? Women. It's crazy. Women are so mean, but that's real. Yeah, it's so real. Girls are really mean. Yeah, who's meaner to women than men? Women. It's crazy.

Women are so mean to other women. They're awful. Rob and I talk about it all the time. Awful. It is really strange how like we're entering this world of women empowerment and feminism has taken another wave and you're like- They all want to take each other down. Most people with, I would say, this is a broad, stupid phrase, but like most people that are educated at some level will be like, yeah, I'm absolutely for women's rights. And of course I'm pro-women.

But then at some point you're like, are we going to start talking about how women are fucking really mean to women and how they fucking bury each other? So mean. So mean. You grow up, there's just this sense of competence. Well, especially, I don't know why it wouldn't be the same for men in an acting world. But like you're so competitive with each other. There can only be one who's going to get the part. And it's typically, you think when you're young, it's going to be the cutest and the funniest. And the, you know, so you're just like wanting to tear each other down.

But because of your intellectual level, usually women mature so much faster. Scientifically, we know this. But it's true that when you're a young actor, I imagine the emotional manipulation that women have to go through with each other. See, that's the real hindrance. With guys, it's just a letdown. You're like, fuck, and you're bummed.

And that guy, fuck that guy. And you hate that guy. Whereas girls, I think you guys know how to plant emotional time bombs. It's horrible. But you know enough to be really sweet to their faces. But then behind their back. You just hope for their failure.

Oh, God. It's so horrible. That is really what happens. I mean, I see it all the time. To be fair, I get that feeling. I've had that feeling. Yeah. I will actively recognize and i get that feeling i've had that feeling yeah i i will actively recognize and

fight against that feeling i do truly believe there's room at the top for everyone um but i see i i know how that feels i think i think as you get older you you learn in our business or almost in life that you're like everyone's got their own chance to do their own thing. You're not taken away from anybody. Totally. And everyone's got something special about them that's different than what you do. It's also like you could get together and do something together that would be really cool. People are just fucking, people are, women are weird. Well, people, I mean, everyone's competitive in our bullshit business too, because it's like, I need to get all of it right now because the mentality is it's going to run out. They not going to want me anymore I'm going to be I'm going to be old I'm going to

be ugly I'm going to be stupid I'm going to be out of touch I'm going to be all the things that you're like they're not going to want me but they will yeah they will yeah look at us they will they will right thank you you're saying that they will there's no way that they won't isn't that true look at Jean Smart she's nailing. How many awards did she win last year? I don't know. See, that's the thing. I don't keep up with that stuff, and I feel like I should.

No, I should. I only know because I went to her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and they were listing them, and I was like, oh, geez. Oh, but also I saw Mare of Easttown. I was in Hacks with her. Was she... Oh, God, I'm blanking on a couple key ones, too.

Was she in X-Files, maybe? What did she do? Whatever. It's just Y-Files. It was the Y-Files. Okay. Let's actually see because now I'm feeling stupid because now I did that thing mentally where I'm like,

I know, but I don't know. No, look it up because, I don't know. 24. 24, she was amazing in. That's the one. Garden State, also amazing. I Heart Huckabees, boom. All that, but I mean, recently,

she just, like, cranked out a bunch of great shows. I mean, you know. Fargo? Is that crazy? I don't know. I mean, I don't see it on here, but I see Veep, and I see Watchmen. Watchmen, that's it.

Huge. Fargo? Fargo? I'm an idiot. No, no, no, you're not an idiot. Fargo's a great show, but I was talking about Watchmen, that's what I thought. But see, I don't see anything else on here that's

Well, Mayor of Easttown, Watchmen, and Hats. Huge. Oh, no, Fargo, you're right. Was I? You're right. Nine Eps. God, I'm good. Nine Eps. Oh, God. She was also on a show that I love that I bragged about on this show many times called Getting On on HBO with the talented Niecy Nash and Alex Borstein. Oh, yes.

Cannot recommend it enough. Literally cannot recommend it enough. So many people have never heard of it, don't know what it is. It's so good. It's so good. It was a British show and it's better over here. I've seen the British show I've not seen though. Oh, you've got to see this one. Laurie Metcalf. I love her so much. Fucking so good.

Also nominated for guest star on Hacks this year with me. Oh, really? On Hacks? Which is why I'm not going to win. Oh, shit, right? She's in your category? Yeah. You're fucked. I know.

Good. That's when you go, it's just such an honor to be nominated. Yeah, but she's won. She's won a lot. Yeah, so maybe it's your time to shine. You think I'll get like a pity vote? I don't know if it's pity vote. I think it's maybe it's like we need to give this young lady her comeuppance.

It's true. I'm much, much, much, much, much, much younger. And so that's probably what they'll say. Yeah. You're only going to be 29 for a couple more years. That's right. I should probably have more babies. Yeah.

Why not knock that out? Yeah. I want to ask you about this. I did joke about the mic, but leading your own show like that and then going back to Sunny, do you still even have any wants to go do another lead your own show thing again and then going back to Sunny, do you still even have any wants to go do another lead your own show thing again or no? I do.

I learned a lot and I would love to do it again. I just want to do it on like a streaming. I want to have all the episodes written. On your terms type of thing. On my terms. Yep. I want to collaborate.

I mean, I did it with John and Dave Chernin, who are such brilliant writers. Pretty talented. They're so good. They just wrote a movie, and they're directing it right now. I just had a couple days on it this week. What's it called?

It's called Incoming. Why wasn't I in it? I'll get you in it. It's just at the very beginning of the first week. Okay, because I'd like to be in it. Okay, I'll let them know. You heard it here, Chernins. Yeah.

They listen all the time. That's all we talked about on set. They're big pod. They're big pod. Big pod fans. Big whiskey ginger fans. And they were fantastic. And so, I don't know. Yes, I learned a lot, and I would love to do it again.

It's really hard to find good showrunners. I got really spoiled with Rob. John and Dave did an amazing job. So every other show you do, you're like, okay, I don't like this. All right, I don't want to work nights. You know? So, yeah, I want to be in charge. You want to do the lead thing again, though?

Yeah, I would love to do a great ensemble, or I could be the lead. It doesn't really matter to me. All right, I'll do it with you. That's fine. Oh, I didn't— Totally fine. I'd love to be in it. Yeah, I didn't ask. We could absolutely play cousins. Yeah. We could be the lead. It doesn't really matter to me. All right, I'll do it with you. That's fine. Oh, I didn't... Totally fine. I'd love to be in it. Yeah, I didn't ask.

We could absolutely play cousins. Yeah. We could be related. Well, you would never think so, but I could just bring a picture of my niece and nephew and then be like, oh, I guess it could happen. Grandma Alice, she had red hair, so... Which side is that on?

My dad's. God bless. We love her. My dad has a red beard, or he did before it was gray. Wait, really? Mm-hmm. Handsome man. Is Grandma Alice alive?

No. She died really young because she smoked her whole life. She looked the same for 30 years. She looked like a 90-year-old lady for about the last 30 years of her life because she smoked pretty much every day since she was like 18, I think. Cigarettes? Mm-hmm. But you said mom smokes weed.

Your parents are potheads? My parents don't really smoke weed. My mom doesn't smoke weed at all. My dad enjoys it. Doesn't do it that often, but he's proudly likes it. I hate it. I wish I liked it.

It makes me paranoid. It makes everybody paranoid now. I just feel very, yeah, like I like to come across as like, I don't give a fuck. And truly,

I very much do. You give a lot of fucks. A lot. Many, many of them. Is there anything you give a fuck. And truly, I very much do. You give a lot of fucks. A lot. Many, many of them. Is there anything you give no fuck about? Yeah. Well, not that we want to talk about my kids, but I'm a really good mom. You are a very good mom.

I'm a very good mom. That's very important to me. So I don't really care. Like, you can critique my parenting all you want. I don't really care about that. Because you're the shit. Because I'm pretty good. Are they homies?

Do they get along? They, the pandemic was awesome for them. Really? Yeah. Sometimes the opposite. Totally. I thought it was going to be a disaster

because we had a hard time even going on vacations together because the older ones was just not that, always that nice to the little one. That's, well, that's okay.

That's normal. Yeah. They're going to be just fine. But yeah, they like to play video games together, which is why video game time has skyrocketed in our house because I'm like, you're getting along, you're laughing, you're hanging out with each other. Go nuts.

But you guys don't participate ever? No, I do. You grab the controllers? Yes. I don't want to, but I pretend like I do. What are we talking, Call of Duty? Oh, God, he would love that. No, but I sit next to him.

He's got some sniper thing that he's playing right now. It's always good to have kids on gun games. In the beginning, we were like, we're never going to do that. And then it was like, what? He's going to find it. He's making a gun out of every stick he picks up. We're like, go play in the backyard. It's the most fun when you're a little boy.

Go nuts. He's not a violent kid. He's a sweetheart. He loves people. He's kind. And he loves blasting computer men's heads apart. It's great. Famous last words.

Oh, God. We had no idea. We had no idea. He just loved blasting computer men's heads apart. He loved it. He loved to do it all day long, but, you know. But other than that, he was— He thought he was getting it out, getting it out of his system.

Getting it out. Yeah, well, that was our generation of like uh these games are dangerous they're gonna turn into no like this is this is just a fantasy town it's fake honestly you know what's dangerous is kids being in their room alone being filled with anger not talking about their feelings the parents going oh well i'm sure they're fine i imagine the majority of the kids that break that do bad shit like you know what we're talking about, the parents for sure— They've got to be checked out. Yeah.

There's just no way you don't notice. They're abusive as fuck, which is typical. Or there's an undiagnosed thing going on, and they're really, really frustrated and angry and misunderstood and getting bad grades and feeling stupid. I think that's a big one too. That is very true because I was totally angry, misunderstood misunderstood and all upside down but my mom was really supportive of it she was never like you know like teachers would be like he's disruptive yeah she's like yeah he's got an active brain and he's going through a lot of stuff yeah there's a lot of stuff going on in there but i think she was ahead of the curve because i think a lot of times that

back then was very much like oh oh, he's a fucking idiot. It's like, no, he's not an idiot. He's not an idiot. I mean, I was, yes. Well, you were like a social idiot. Yeah. But you weren't like a dum-dum. No. No.

I just needed someone to go, he needs a direction. Yeah, or like he needs you to explain it in a different way or he needs a little bit more time or he's getting too distracted. He needs to take this time, you know. Distracted, big time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just if I could make a fart noise or like a thing but that's funny

everybody needs it yes who's the most distracting on Sonny's set getting a day done distracting yeah like who on this there's always like a few actors

or at least one person on set who makes the days a little bit longer Danny yeah he turns into god forbid we have background actors in the scene

he just turns into he's just like I'm like have you not had enough days where you're turns into, he's just like, I'm like, have you not had enough days where you're the center of attention? He just is like. Is he like, fuck it with everybody? Oh, yeah. Putting on a show. He gets a 50-year-old woman to laugh at him and he's in heaven.

But think about what that feels like for the background person. Oh, they love it. I mean, come on. They love it so much and it's really great, but if it's, we're outside and it's 100 degrees and I'm like, it's almost time for me to go home. I'm like, can we just do the scene or did you want to make more butt jokes with the background person who you're never going to see again? Definitely Danny for sure. See, he's like the most wild on his own.

Yeah, he'll just get in a mood and he'll just start like fucking with the director and being like, that doesn't make sense. Make it make sense. It's usually like a guest director that's one of Rob's and being like, that doesn't make sense. Make it make sense. It's usually like a guest director that's one of Rob's friends. Yeah. It just slows everything down. See, I think they deserve that though. When somebody comes in.

Oh, they get it. I like that. Yeah. Yeah. Light them up a little bit. Yep. Yeah. Have you ever, have you guys ever had to fire a director that's come, that's done such a poor job that it was like, we can't do this anymore.

And you don't need to say the name. No, but there's plenty. I'll tell you the name um there are plenty of people who've come in and rob it usually rob but often charlie not as much glenn i don't think but they'll be like yeah that doesn't work um let's start here then it makes more sense to move like they just take over yeah but at But at this point, every director comes in knowing that you're joining people who are already kind of going to be directing it.

And so it's got to be hard because you guys are so seasoned. It's almost like what, you know, I've never been on a show for a long period of time. So for me, every time we get someone new on anything I've ever done,

you know, I'm like excited, but then you see how the internals are working with them and the DP and, you know, executives. And then you start to learn very quickly who's malleable and who's not over who's like, all right, yeah, we can try it that way. Or when people are like, no, we're doing it like this. This is what we like to do. Because at you guys' level, it's kind of hard to change stuff.

Why would you fuck with the thing? It's also, yeah, it's a very specific look. There's a specific formula. Yeah. It works. And also, we all have. It goes cock, fart, laugh. Yeah.

Cock, fart. Cock, fart. Sometimes you throw a vag in there, you know, because. Not often, though. Not often, but that's what makes it so funny when it does pop up. That's exactly right. Right? Throw a vag in there.

That's throw a vag sometimes. It says that right on the script. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throw a vag. Toss a vag. Here's where we stick in a quick vag. And then a little barf every once in a while, yeah. Throwing a vag should be the name of an episode, and I don't need credit, but it's fine. It should be the name of one episode. Alright, I'll come up with something.

Okay, so when you win, all I want is a thank you. When you win, all I want is a thank you. Uh-huh. When you win, all I want is a thank you. Okay. For anything in particular that you— You'll know. You'll feel it.

When you're up there, you'll go, I'm not feeling it right now. You will then. Okay. All right. And I want you to thank me and then turn to Laurie Metcalf and go, take that, bitch.

Oh. That's how you close the show. You don't want me to say, take that, Metcalf. You think it'll be clear who I'm talking to? I think the camera will hit you. They'll look at your angle. They'll know exactly who you're going. She'll be front row.

She'll be sitting, yeah, yeah. She'll be near the front. Way more front than me. Oh, yeah. You'll be in, you might be two tier, second tier. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah. Am I going to have to take an elevator down?

Yeah, for sure. To walk up the stairs? Escalator. Escalator. Jesus, it's going to take a while. And I'll guide you to your seat. I'll get a head start. Because I'll to have to take an elevator down? Yeah, for sure. To walk up the stairs? Escalator. An escalator. Jesus, it's going to take a while. And I'll guide you to your seat. I'll get a head start. Because I'll be ushering.

That's so nice. Thank you. Caitlin, right this way. Thank you so much. That's what I can thank you for is just helping me up the stairs. Thank you for getting me to my seat. Yeah. Andrew Santino, thanks for getting me to my seat. Not letting me trip over my dress.

Hey, Metcalf. Oh, you should say, hey, Metcalf, like it's elementary school. Hey, Metcalf. Uh-huh. Take that, bitch. That sounds right. That's crush. That sounds good to me. And if you feel it, if you're catching the hey, Metcalf, like it's elementary school. Hey, Metcalf. Uh-huh. Take that, bitch. That sounds right. That's crush. That sounds good to me.

And if you feel it, if you're catching the vibe, take the Emmy and fucking throw it at her. Throw it. Well, not throw it. Just underhand. No, toss it like I don't need this. Hey, bitch, don't need it. Oh, that's so good. Because they'll mail you one anyway.

Yeah, that's just a prop. Take that, bitch. God, that's so good. Yeah. And here's her. She's like crying. She's like upset that you hit her with a fucking Emmy. She's not upset about losing.

She's upset that I hit her with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it'll hurt. Yeah, because they're fucking solid. Physically and emotionally. Because she did lose. Yep. So far, so good.

We got to give entertainment tonight something to talk about. I know. I know. We got to give them something to get some zazz. Well, the Will Smith thing really kind of is dominating right now. What are you doing? I said that to the TV. To the TV, literally.

I literally went, what are you doing? What are you doing? I was shocked. Where's he going? Everyone was shocked. Yeah, but I was also, I don't know. Yeah, I was just kind of like real sad. So sad.

It wasn't impressive. It was gross. It was embarrassing. It was like me watching a family fight at the holidays yes I was like what happened

we're all what happened you guys why did you fuck up a thing that we were all plus you guys like each other yeah you have to really yucky stuff

that's so gross he'll make it out he'll be fine he'll be fine I'm just I'm not worried so much about them as me needing to have

more of the attention okay look I say here's the things you should do thank me throw it at Metcalf so much about them is me needing to have more of the attention. Okay, look. I say, here's the things you should do. Thank me, throw it at Metcalf, blow the light. I mean, when they're trying to get you off, fuck that. No, I'm just going to start talking. Steamroll it. Yeah.

And you know how to get through that, right? You have to be making a— You know how to— The way to blow the light to go longer than your time, you've got to talk about someone having an illness in your family. Yeah, yeah. Someone's dying. Yes, that's good.

Even if they're not, it doesn't matter. They won't know. No, make it up. They're not going to know. Somebody's dying. Say something very like heartfelt about your kids. People, we've covered this. People don't care.

Okay, so somebody's dying. Okay. And also make a big announcement. You got to do one of the two things. Or just say, I have a big announcement you gotta do one of the two things or just say I have a big announcement and then just wait for a while

because what are they gonna cut me off then yeah and this is the biggest announcement I've ever made in the history of my life and I'm glad my family and friends are here

to hear me say this yeah and then I'll just give them little angles so they can take lots of pictures lots of photos big big pause and then walk off

maybe that's when I throw the... I have a big announcement. Take that, bitch. Yeah, that's my announcement. Got it. Oh, God. Thank you for helping me work through this. Well, listen.

I hope you do win. I'm so appreciative of you coming on the show. I know you don't need to be here at all. You don't want to be here. I didn't want to be. I don't want to be here. Are we done? And we're done.

Good. In here, we pour whiskey. And I didn't want to be. I don't want to be here. Are we done? And we're done. Good. In here, we pour whiskey. And it means a lot to me. I am not mad anymore about the Mick. I'm glad we talked this out. I needed the guest star. You really did. I needed it.

No. You know what's so funny is I talked to our mutual agent. You're not with my agent anymore. I don't think we're not with the same guy anymore. I don't know. What's his first name? John. Yeah. Oh, we are still. You are yeah oh we are yeah okay good god i'm so sorry no when i talked about it no no i'm kidding when i talked to him about it um i think it was one of those things where he's like you're i don't think this is for you who'd you audition for how could

i remember how could i yeah but it wasn't like a main thing no no no no no no thing then did i i didn't see you in the room. No, you weren't there. Okay, well, I probably didn't even see your tape. No, no, for sure not. I was very, very busy. I apologize. For sure not. I made a mistake.

No. Now I know. I didn't know about that. I didn't care even a little bit. I was, the only reason I had any interest in this show genuinely to get on it was because I, because I think you're great. Thank you.

Yeah, really. I think you're great too. I think you're great. I want to fucking be a part of it. But we're doing this next part of your life. I'm going to be your cousin on that. Thank you. Yeah, really. I think you're great too. I think you're great. I want to fucking be a part of it. But we're doing this next part of your life. I'm going to be your cousin on that show that you star in and we already said yes to it. Yeah, I didn't say yes.

You did and you did. Oh, wow. So we end the show the same way. You're going to look in that camera right there. That's called your single in the biz. Yeah, I know I sing that song early on. We end the show the same way. It's one word or one phrase to close out the episode.

Now, this is cemented in history. At some point, I'm going to get an email from the Smithsonian being like, can you give us all the last one words from your show? Shit, and this is coming just from me? One word or one phrase. I used to do a word, but people were like, I can't do one word. So you can do one phrase if you want, but right into that camera. When you're ready, this is to end the episode forever.

All right, well, thank you for having me. I love camera. When you're ready. Okay. This is to end the episode forever. All right. Well, thank you for having me. I love you. That's not it. Okay. And throw in a veg. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers.