Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Trouble with Threesomes (w/ Jazzmyne Robbins)

Episode Date: September 28, 2018

Jazzmyne Robbins (Buzzfeed) is on to discuss thirsting publicly on Instagram, the times they’ve contemplated sleeping with fans, and the problematic nature of threesomes.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of my podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? I'm Nicole Byer, and I'm trying to figure out how I'm still single, even though I will let you finger me with your toes. What an awful thing. I was really thinking about that.

It took me a minute to get there. My guest today, oh, she's so fabulous. Jasmine Robbins. You know her from BuzzFeed. Also her Instagram, Jasmine J is her handle. Her outfits,

your outfits are insane. Thank you. I appreciate that. They're gorgeous. You look flawless today. Let's go through it. A red beret, teeny tiny on trend glasses, red lipstick. We got a ferocious leopard print turtleneck or mock turtleneck.

Yes. Then we got a spaghetti strap dress on top of it and a red belt, some Doc Martens. Yas, yas, yas, yas. I love it. I need to bring you with me everywhere and just describe my outfits. I would do it. Pop out of nowhere and be like, look at this. Yes.

Truly, I love it. You look fabulous. Thank you. So may I ask, are you single? Yes. Truly. I love it. You look fabulous. Thank you. So may I ask, are you single? Yes. Okay. Straight answer. Yes, I'm single.

I'm currently talking to someone. Okay. But yes, I'm single. Okay. Did you meet them on an app? No. Oh, no. Okay.

So the weird thing is I'm talking to someone that we have matched on Tinder and had a Tinder conversation. We follow each other on Instagram. We've DM'd each other. We're Facebook friends. We've talked to each other there. And then we finally met for the first time in Miami on a trip all together. And then we just like... That is wild. It's so weird. And it's been over the past three years, we've been like, you know, just like,

oh, hey girl, hey girl, what's up? And nothing came out of anything. That is so interesting. I feel like that's the new, I kept seeing them around town. Yeah, yeah, literally. We just kept running into each other on the internet and then it took meeting in person in a state neither one of you live in nope that's amazing yeah i fucking love that yeah it took me by surprise but she's just a really

great amazing person so oh what a dream yeah I'm very jealous um do you have any dating horror stories oh other than just my dating career in general um I I uh no shade let me preface by saying no shade all my exes are great people I'm sure. But I often tend to date women who have not dated women before. Ah, okay. And so I'm their, like, big, lesbian, confident, like, person. I think sometimes they get stuck in that, do I want to date her or do I want to be her? Ah. Yes.

And then I just date them and then get burned through the time that's shitty it really is that's also really that's something I've never thought about yeah because when you discover your sexuality you're kind of in puberty again literally like I don't I'm a baby at this. That's like a baby, like, yeah, baby gay. Yeah, yeah. Like you want to hoe it up and you're trying to figure out what kind of gay you are. And it's the same.

Yeah, that's very, very interesting. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I've grown a lot. And honestly, I've made some really, I have like a seven year ex that we've been through it all together. Obviously, we're not together, but she's one of my best friends and um I really it sucks because just like my career and my life in general I love uplifting people when it comes to my dating life I love uplifting people but it's to the point now where I'm like y'all need to help yourselves well yeah because

then it's like you have to bring work home exactly when you're like in a relationship constantly it's just like reassuring someone that they're okay wow and they're good it's uh it's too much I couldn't do that no no that's stressful and that's draining on you as a person exactly it's like I'm the constant like quote-unquote therapist and like what am I getting in return you know you're not paying me no you're getting you're getting sex yeah and sometimes it's not that great yeah right okay I'm glad you said it sometimes it really isn't and you're like what are we all doing yeah but what is going on sex is so curious because I feel like people in real life don't listen.

And I think sex is a lot about listening. It is. And intuition and inferring what somebody wants if they're not saying it. Yes. Recently, I've become the type of person. I got out of a relationship. I hate saying I got out of a relationship. A relationship of mine ended.

There we go. In March. And so I was just like trying out of a relationship. A relationship of mine ended in March. And so I was just like trying to hoe it up. You know, I'm like a very emotional Libra though. So I don't hoe it up easily to be honest. But I've gotten to the point where I'm just like, okay, if we're going to do this, like I'm going to tell you like, ow, that hurts. Stop this, that. Like I'm just going to say it because i'm not trying to waste anybody's time exactly yeah it's we have a finite time together i'd like to come so i'm going to tell you things please i've had people men specifically

i've inferred that they think i'm too bossy in bed where they're like oh you got a lot to say and I'm like I sure do eat my pussy right I was wondering how that is with with being sexual with men because I don't do that but I know some of my

friends I don't do that that's such a funny way to put friends I don't do that that's such a funny way to put it I don't do that but I know some of my friends and I'll even get like teens and like younger people asking me like is it bad to say

this is it bad to say that and I'm like is it like damaging to men like that you can't damage a man it's the same thing with reverse racism you can't oppress the? You can't damage a man. It's the same thing with reverse racism. You can't oppress the oppressor. Okay. You cannot damage a man.

A man is already in this world on top. So for you to insult him, guess what? He thinks about it for 0.2 seconds and then moves on to the next person and never thinks about what you said again. You're correct. Unless he thinks about it in the moment and then is like well that dumb bitch said this right and it's like you're not the person who's helping him with some you're just a dumb bitch damn i never thought about it like that

you are so correct trash yeah but i'd like a boyfriend with that being said or girlfriend truly i've talked about it before like at this point i do not care keeping all the doors open okay so you're open to anything you're open to love yes i'm open to love because i feel like love comes in all forms it's the truth and why why say no have you never been with a man okay i have never like had sex with a man um i'm fine with saying that um i have dated maybe two guys and the thing is is i i don't want to i don't know i hate putting myself in the labels majority i'm going to be with a woman. If I so happen to come across a man that I completely fell in love with, I would not deny myself of that. So if that were to ever happen, I'd be down for it. But I am never actively looking for a man.

Fair. Yeah. I feel like I want a very specific man. I either want a very masculine man with a sensitive side or a very effeminate man. Like one who's like, I was gay until I met you. Right, right. So I could dress him up, put him in drag. Yep.

Ooh, that would be so perfect. I would love that. And I don't know where that person exists. Yeah, I don't know either. I'll keep an eye out. Please do. Please do. So you said you've been on tinder yes have you been on bumble yes uh raya no what's that raya is this weird secret thing that you have

to like apply to oh i've heard of that whole fucking thing are you on it i finally got on it after being on a wait list for two glamorous years what i got an email and they said you're in baby and everyone on it's terrible really are you on hinge no i the furthest i went was bumble fair fair um and then how do you fare? Do people message you? Okay. Honestly, I'm also going to peep that like Instagram. Instagram is my first place. Really? Oh my gosh. The amount of people that hit me up on Instagram. Yeah.

Well, you look good all the time. No. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I can step up my Instagram game. Your Instagram's great. It is 100% you. Thank you. And your freaking makeup of the day that you post and shit.

I'm like. Thank you. Today I woke up too late. I was like, I couldn't possibly put on any makeup. You were literally wearing no makeup right now? None. Wow. Really?

Stop it. No. I've been trying to do skincare stuff because my skin is, I have a lot of acne scars. Okay. And I'm trying to like, I'm doing like Mederma. Oh. Bio oil. Damn.

And I had this like dermatologist fade cream. Oh. Where she was like, are you okay with skin bleach? And my response was, I like the color of my skin, but I guess. And she was like, no, I'm not trying to change the color of your skin we're trying to lighten your acne scars and I said oh okay so this was not a philosophical question about my identity as a black woman and she was like absolutely not but it dried out my skin a little too much so I don't use it oh no it does because that's what bleach okay that makes sense that

really dries it out so I'm trying maderma kind of but it's a little bit better because it's like a gel, if you will, and then putting oil on top. It's a whole process. You look great, honestly. Thank you. I very much appreciate it. So people slide into your DMs on Instagram? Yeah, and I'll also slide into DMs. Okay, that's the thing.

I don't slide into dms I will leave public comments of me just thirsting out until they message me that's what I do that's ballsy I mean I guess so but I just like my lifestyle like I literally just go on everybody's whether you're my friend or I'm thirsting all my comments pretty much look the same where i'm just like oh my gosh with like a thousand tongue emojis or just like holy shit like damn and i'll just go off on everybody's maybe i'll start doing that i don't get hit on in my dm no i don't get hit on sometimes on a rare occasion i'll get a dick pic from a man who will be like, oh, I'd love to, you know, use this on you. Oh, my gosh.

And then I'll look at his profile and he'll be married. It's happened like three or four times where I'm like, how dare you? Yeah. I should find your wife's Instagram and send her a screenshot of how disgusting you are. It is nasty. I hate those messages. Oh, I don't know why people send dick pics.

Truly. And then I kind of get, um, not excited at those, but I'll like see, you know, when you're like unopened DMS and I'll go through them and then I'll look and I'll be like,

Oh, someone sent me a picture. And then I click on it and it's just a dick. And I'm like, well, cool. I've never needed one. I think there's an old saying. It's like a woman needs a man like a fish needs a horse. Yes.

Or something like that. My therapist says it to me a lot. I believe that. I also believe it. I love that. Yeah. so you have a very public persona yeah you have like you have a solid instagram following buzzfeed videos you get lots of hits yeah has that been hard with dating um i, I think so. Honestly, I'm not really like, um, okay, well now that I'm thinking about it, probably.

I never really thought about it to be honest because like, okay, I don't know if it's the day and the age, but like I'll go out to West Hollywood often. I'm usually looking at women, right? So there are usually two type of women that are there. Probably 50% are their gay guy's best friend who's straight. Probably 40% are with their significant other. May it be a girl and they're just like on each other the whole time. And then the other 10% are like the people that want to take pictures of me or just like be like, oh, is that her? And so I don't really get like approached often, to be honest. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess that does hinder trying to get your fuck on. Right? That does hinder trying to get your fuck on. Right? And then on Tinder, I will get some people that either think I'm a catfish or they'll just start off the conversation being like, oh my gosh, I love you. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to fuck a fan.

That is an issue that I've talked about a lot because it's so nice that you like me yes it is so nice that you are a fan but this is not the time or the place no you could find me on instagram and let me know i'm obviously i'm looking for a connection with the human being yes sexually yes. So for you to be like, I like you and that is it. Yeah. Well, it's apparent that all you wanted to do was like connect with me and you didn't care that that was the, the platform. Exactly. When someone in person says,

I don't mean to bother you, but can I have a picture? It's like, you did mean to bother me. You did. You want the picture. I'm fine taking it. For sure. Just don't lie. Yeah. No, no, no, no, thank you bother me. You did. You want the picture. I'm fine taking it. For sure.

Just don't lie. Yeah, no, no, no. No, thank you. Yeah. I would rather someone say, I'd love a picture, and I know I'm bothering you. Because then you go, yeah, but it's okay, because you like me, and that's fine. Yes. No, you're so right.

It's just, it just leaves this awkward, like, okay say thank you and then you're like well and then you're like i've i wasted precious minutes of my life literally going do they like me right or are they just trying to say they like me and that's it yeah i think i could fuck a fan i think I could fuck a fan. I think I could. There's a few. Not a super fan. There's a few that have reached out on me on Instagram that I've been tempted. But then they live far away and I'm like. That's another thing. You know.

If you're going to try to fuck via Instagram, a lot of people aren't in LA. Exactly. But I think about after my shows, I very rarely get hit on. A lot of male comics fuck on the road all the time. They fuck everything. Really? Yes. Because women who like men, all it takes is like, he made me laugh.

And you know, that's good for me. You're right though. Until he's got a dick. So I guess I reward him by making me laugh with my pussy. So like male comics fuck all the time. Female comics do not fuck. Wow. Because men, or at least what my understanding is,

men are like, I don't really like funny women. Or like, I'm the funny one. And I guess she was funny for a girl. Yeah, like I don't get hit on. The only time I've ever been hit on after a show is by the strangest men. Oh, okay. Very strange men. I did a show in Naples, Florida.

Don't recommend going. And I did a joke about, so I talk about my pussy a lot. And I did a joke about eating a pizza, but it didn't have anything to do with my pussy. But I did this meet and greet after and this man was like, I'll eat your pizza. And I was like, you'll eat my pizza? And he's like, yeah, I'll eat your pizza. And I was very confused until I got home and I was like, oh, I think he was trying to like hit on me by mushing two jokes together. No. Like eat my pizza pussy pie.

Yeah. First of all, won't share pizza. Second of all, will share my pussy. So we need to be specific here. Yeah. Like I'm not giving you any of my pizza. All I like is pizza. Right?

Yeah. He was very, very strange. do women ever hit on you at your shows no oh my gosh that would be the first thing i would do really yes i don't get hit on i don't get hit on that makes me mad i don't and i i think i don't know why because I say at all my shows I usually talk about how I'm single. Right. And I guess my audience who comes are like straight women, gay men, and then couples. I don't think I have a lesbian demographic or a bi demographic or pansexual demographic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think I have that. And I don't know. I don't know how to make the women come to me. Would you ever do one of those like looking for a third? I don't think so. Really? I don't. I've been in threesomes.

Okay. And they're fine. Okay. I feel like at one point there's always, you're always like to the corner being like, when am I going to get tagged in? Am I? Okay, I don't want to press into this. So say no if I am. What was the situation?

Was it like three random people? Did you know the people? Were they a couple? No. One was two random people. Okay. And then one was my friend and a random man. Okay.

Okay. So nobody was in a couple. I want to be in a threesome with a couple. Really? I feel like that's the best. I feel like that is... I feel like, I don't know, I feel like it's a little fucked up. It is.

And I feel like it could be the catalyst to breaking up a couple. Yeah. One, two, a couple then like deciding that both of them like you too much. Oh, yeah. And then something happening after the threesome. I never thought of that, but I really don't care because it's like, to me, it's like you're with this couple, right? That always have sex. So they're used to each other.

So their main focus is going to be you and pleasuring you. I never thought of it like that. Yeah. I'll take anything afterwards. Like, whatever. I mean, no. So fine. But as long as I get.

Yeah. Maybe I would, yeah. Maybe I would. Yeah, you could just be the main focus, the star of the night. That sounds like fun. I've been having a lot of issues hoeing it up. It's hard. I think my, you know how you, how old are you? Do you mind?

I'm 31 or 32. Okay. I truly don't know anymore. But I think I'm like an old person now. Do you mind? 27. I'm 31 or 32. Okay. Truly don't know anymore. But I think I'm like an old person now. Oh my God, no. Because I was like in a bar the other day and I was like, it's loud. And then like two nights ago I was swiping and I was like, oh, I'm horny. But meeting someone seems like a lot of work.

Okay. I agree with you. Because the thing is to me, first of all, I'm glad you said that you were 31 or 32 because I'm always like, because that's not far away an age for me. And I'm like, who are people that I want to be like? And now I can put you in that category. I'm very excited. Okay. So regardless of that, I feel like I don't want to get to know people.

I don't want people to figure me out. I don't want people to figure me out. Same. I don't want to tell you my fucking life traumas. Same. I don't want all this. But also for me, I need to have an emotional connection with someone before I hook up with them. Really?

Yes. Did you know that's called demisexuality? Is it really? I just learned it. Oh, I didn't know that. Someone on, I did an episode where I talked about that and then Judaism. So this woman sent me a very long message about Judaism and homosexuality. Okay.

And I was like, okay, I'm here. I get it. Cool. I thought that was just like dating. I don't know. Okay. Everything has a fucking label. It's very confusing. It it does can i ask you a

question about your body yeah sure so you are pretty body positive which is a term i truly don't like yes because i think everybody should be comfortable and happy in the body they have and if you don't like it you're well within your means to change it for sure when did you just because it's such a stupid thing that people decide to be okay with their bodies yeah when did you decide that you were okay with yours I feel like for me I moved out to LA like four years ago and I feel like that was the big step up for me um being 100% comfortable as I was because I came from a really like small town cornfields um white people long blonde hair um looked nothing like them and i've like especially in the fucking

midwest like tried to straighten my hair as much as i could tried to eat nothing but salads for summer so i could come back to school and look like this. Went through bulimia, anorexia, blah, blah, blah, blah, everything to the point where I was just tired, honestly. And I was like, first of all, I'm gonna be, I am six feet tall and I'm a thick ass person. You're gonna notice me regardless. So I might as well wear and look like how I want

to look because I'm being noticed like you're gonna see me so I think when I came out to LA I was like it's a new start it's nobody knows me I went to a school I went to the fashion institute where majority everybody's young and i came in at like 23 and so i was like i'm gonna start this out as who i want to be i'm not moving 2 000 miles to act like someone else oh i like that yeah i like that like you had an opportunity at a fresh start and you truly took it yeah i remember it was one fateful day. I was going to Palm Springs. I only packed bikinis. And I said, these bitches are just going to have to deal with it.

And I do not care. Because I was smaller. OK. I was like a size 14, 16, which I mean, in the grand scheme of things, isn't small. Right. But for me and my body, that was the thinnest i think i'll ever be same or become and at that time i was like you're so fat you are so fat you better put on a cardigan because what if someone sees your arms yeah they may throw up and die and then i went out one day

in a tank top and no one passed away and i was like well what was i doing yeah i was just spending my time hot yeah and i used to fuck with the lights off until i was like i was with this dude who like wanted to keep them on and i like turned them off and he like kept them on it was like a stupid scene in a movie and i was like oh he's keeping them on because he wants to see my body because he knew essentially what my body was going to look like naked. You kind of know. It's never really a surprise. So then I was like, well, if he wants to see it, then I guess I guess I should want to see.

Yeah. Yeah, totally. Then I had a teacher in college who was was like if you're not comfortable with your body you have to be it's your instrument acting school or whatever okay and uh he was like look at your body naked and look at all of it so i was like maybe dan daly was right so like i started getting naked i do this a lot and i'll look at my body in the mirror and i'll be like this is it this is my instrument this is my body i love it yes and whenever'll be like, this is it. This is my instrument. This is my body. I love it. Yes. And whenever I like got messages at first when people were like, you inspire me. And

I was like, you should inspire yourself. Right now I get it. Yes. Yes. Yes. Like you don't see fat people in the media. No. And all of them want to change their bodies. Yeah. No one is just okay in it. Just being chill. Which is why I like your Instagram so much. Thank you. Because you're super, you're super chill. And it's not like, and you're, I don't know, you have a message. Right. But it's not, it's not like a long paragraph about like how you love your body today.

No. What is the hashtag you use? Lil snacks? Lil snacks. Yeah. Lil snacks. It makes me laugh so hard. I love it.

I love it. Can I ask, when did you come out? Oh, there were two times. Before I start this, I'm just going to say your favorite pictures on your Instagram are the ones in your swimsuit for me. Your swimsuit game. I have like three swimsuits. I have like 30. I know you do.

And well, first of all, I met you at the Torrid swim party. But other than that, you're freaking, you have so many cute suits. Thank you. Here's a tip and a little secret. Try everything on.

Because I have swimsuits that are a large and I'm not a large. I'm bigger than that yeah but if there's a spandex there's a way yeah that's true you look great in them okay thank you um okay so I came out first when I was 17 to my family um I kind of was forced to my parents found me holding my um girlfriend's hand and then like called me into the living room and conveniently it was the super bowl where katie perry was singing i kissed a girl and i liked it and i had to tell them that i had a whole girlfriend so yes that was the first time and then the second time i came out again in college because i wasn't like fully out to

everybody okay so yeah i came out twice honestly that's maybe my favorite coming out story that katie perry's i kissed a girl and i liked it was on your parents were like this yeah you identify with this and you're like well yes yes how can be thank you katie yeah thank you uh i feel like coming out is such a weird thing and i can't wait till 50 years from now where i feel like it won't be a thing i know where you just bring home someone and your parents go great yeah it's one of those about, but it's also so ingrained in society that you can't not. I mean, you can not, but also, yeah, I don't know.

It's hard. It's like gender is decided upon arrival. They put you in pink or they put you in blue. Before you're even born. Yes. Fucking gender reveals. I don't like them. I hate them.

I hate them so much. I don't like them. I think if I ever have a kid, I'm just going to call it baby until it gets a personality. And then I go, oh, this name fits your personality. I just, I don't know.

Or like maybe like a non-gender specific name or something. Yeah. I just got a dog and he. Congratulations. Thank you. He is a boy. But I called him Aubrey after Drake, of course. And everybody's like, oh, she's so cute.

Because I also, like, decked him out in pink. Because, like, he's going to like pink. And so everyone's like, oh, she. And I was like, well, honestly, their name is Aubrey. So take that as you will. I like that your dog's pronouns are they and their. Yes. I mean, it's a dog.

Right? My dog, his name's Clyde, but he wears a little purple collar and has an ombre orange tail. And people are like, she's cute. And I go, eh, it's a boy, but she is cute. Yes. Clyde's pronouncer is she and her. Okay. Makes sense.

Even though she got a dick. Yeah. It's all good. It's all good. Yeah. I truly don't. Both my dogs look like truly both my dogs like little girl dogs a little white one whose tail is purple oh really i need to my dog's black though i don't want to bleach it hard but i go to this woman her name is jess rona okay jess rona grooming if you don't follow her instagram, you should. It's just slow motion videos to music of dogs being blow dried. And it's really therapeutic. Yeah.

And it makes you feel good. Okay. I like it. Okay. We have to take a break for a quick hot sec. And we're back! Had to do an ad break. Okay, I want you to look at my Tinder.

Ooh! But just describe to people what you see. Okay, first picture, you're holding a very big dick. Mm-hmm. Which, like, I'm into it, to be honest. That is my type of dick. Thank you. Also, your makeup looks great.

You look like your highlight is very well, thank you i love it and it's cute i mean obviously you're having fun but you're also showing a sexy face i like that um second picture is one of my favorite pictures you've ever posted Is the Kim K remake. This is so good. Thank you. This is so good. Thank you. Her picture, honestly, is the funniest she's ever been. Yeah. It's the truth.

Noodles. Really? Okay. Second picture. Oh, is this the same one? Wait, do you have two? Oh, no. Then it's you holding, what is this?

An award. An Oscar. An Oscar, duh. It's you holding an Oscar, which is just as good as the dick, honestly. Highlight's still on point. Thank you. Wait, I love this one. Thank you.

It's, um, specifically I was like, I need to show my body because I do not want it, anybody to get it twisted. I don't want anyone to be like, well, you only had one chin in your pictures and now you got three. It's like, no, I got a fat ass. I got chins for days. I'm a big bitch. Oh, my gosh. You have so many pictures.

Am I? Is that bad? No, it's not bad. I never put this many pictures up. How many do you put? Maybe four. Actually, I could be lying to you probably um no i love this picture of you in this tight ass body suit thank you no that looks great also your expression i

can't then you would i love i love how this picture just keeps coming up yeah my friend ben green uh photoshopped the dick out and put other things in. I love it. And Ghost is my favorite movie. Okay. So it's good. And I also just like how it shows your personality like throughout as well. That's great. Oh, this is a cute picture. Yes, me holding a pineapple drink with a little topper on my head.

My lord, what dog is this? That's my dog, Clyde. Oh, she's so cute. Thank you. She will bite you. Really? Yeah, he's a little asshole. Also, I love this.

Thank you. Me crouching next to a Barbie Jeep. Yes. And the outfit is what I'm really looking at. That's a dope outfit. Thank you. It's like a little overall dress from Simply B. Okay.

Who sometimes kills it. Sometimes. But then sometimes you order one thing and it takes a month for it to get to you. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You're right. I don't get it. Also, did you do your makeup in this photo?

I do my makeup almost all the time. Honey. In the Barbie G picture? Yes. Thank you. You look flawless. After flying to New York and driving five hours to do a show at a college. This is my favorite photo of you.

Oh, thank you. I love this. I love your face. Thank you. Wow. That was a simple beat. A simple, simple, simple makeup beat. This looks great.

Okay, what's your... Okay, I guess the wildest fact about me is eating cake pays my mortgage. That's the truth. It does. Right now, that's the job that's paying my mortgage. I love it. I love it. And I honestly... Okay, when I'm on Tinder, should I show you my Tinder?

Yeah. Ooh, no one's done that. Really? Yeah. Let me show you. But to be honest, I love the one-liners. Because it's like, okay, there's a good chance people are going to know who you are. And if they don't, do you have your...

My Instagram feed? No. No? No, because my Instagram has, like, my life. And I don't need you to know about my life until I'm ready to tell you about my life. Oh, okay, okay. Which is, like, a very strange stance to take. And I know it.

It is, but they're probably gonna find you right okay okay okay this is a fabulous picture we got you bleach blonde very short hair good brows good nose highlight big ass hoops we got titties for days this is great oh yes we got you in some underwear oh yeah like a teal white-ish color are these is this savage by fenty yes yes okay is that what it's called savage x fenty yeah yeah yeah uh so your tattoos popping which is cute thank you and then we got these very cute sunglasses that are like kind of triangular. Yes. Is your hair blonde right now? No.

Okay. Ooh, now we got halfsies. So half blonde, half black. Also very short. You wear your hair shaved most of the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah, most of the time. I like it. I like a bald head of beige.

Thank you. These sunglasses, also teeny tiny black lipstick we got an adidas oh this fun holding a martini outside by a pool holding a hose we've got a like i can't what is it like a a sheer short robe with fur on the collar you know what i'm talking about in a black bikini. This is ever, yeah! I am done with you. I really, I wouldn't,

I wouldn't message you. Really? Nope. You look too cool. What? Yep, you're too cool. No.

Like, this is too cool. We got a hat. We got a wife beater crop. We got some camo pants. We got some Tims. We got tattoos for Daisy Red Lipstick. for days oh yeah that's

my that's my like i'm about to teach you choreography look one and two yes i mean and then we got i think you in new york in a white athlete ff leisure short set. Yes. It says better than ever. Yeah. Cute little glasses. We got some Nikes on. Confidence and personal style are the two hottest things one can have. Kiss. I mean, yeah, I would never message you.

Really? Mm-mm. No, I'd be like, this person's too cool. Wow. I'd be like, this person would think I'm stupid. Oh my gosh, never. never but also I will say a lot of do you get a lot of messages yeah yes because you look so cool and I think people are like shooting their shot with a very cool person no but see the thing is most the time it'll be well I don't know if it's shooting their shot but they'll like comment on my outfits or something instead of just being like I want like some thirsty ass shit said to me

not like you look cute in picture four I mean yeah I would if I was to shoot my shot I would I would probably comment on that pool picture and be like, I'd like to take you inside, take the robe off and fuck you. Yes. That's probably my first message to you. I would respond to that. I would. Because like your profile is very like it oozed sexuality. Okay.

It oozed. Did I say oozed? Oozes. Oozes confidence. Maybe I should be more confident in mine. No, because see, well see well i think yours if you want people to approach you you that to me you look like someone i can talk to okay that's what i'd like to yeah to seem like yeah i don't think it looks off-putting it looks very inviting okay

yeah i didn't mean to say that yours doesn't look no. No, no, no. You just, I don't know. You just, you look too cool. Oh, my gosh. Which is, like, the highest compliment. Actually, maybe I would message you. I would match with you and wait for you to message me. Oh, see, that's also the thing. I don't.

See, I don't really message people either. I will not. Even if I'm like, wow, this person needs to have me. Same. I want to give you everything I can. I will never message someone. I think that stems from women are taught to be chased, not chase, which is also kind of difficult when you are dating women. Because it's like, well, we've all been taught not to chase.

So somebody has to step up and chase. Yeah, you're right. I was messaging this guy on Bumble. Ooh. I was going through a run where I was sending men fun little openers. I sent this guy, what's better, skipping or rolling down a hill? And then we just started talking, and it's like we started talking July 14th. Okay.

And then July, August 4th is the last time we spoke. Okay. So like a month almost of speaking via Bumble. Yeah. So he said the rest of this week is bonkers and next week is kind of what the fuck, but I'd love to cram some time in somewhere if you're into it.

And I was like, oh, that's cute. He's telling me he's a busy person. If I say I don't want to hang out with him him he's already like put in things that it's okay yeah he's like i'm busy so like if you say no it's fine yeah but then i said yeah let me know when you're free and then he never got back to me well first of all the moment like thank you for thinking and reaching out like that but the moment someone says cram some time to hang out, I am not about to be crammed in any way, shape, or form. Oh, boy.

He could have been like, I feel like he could have worded that a little better and been like, I would love to, I'm really busy, but I'm going to make some time for you. That would have been nice. You know, I think if he was really like a decent person, he would have said it like that. But instead he wants to act like you're a fucking, I don't even know what, responsibility? I don't know.

Let me cram it in there with you. See, I wish I had read it like that. I was like, oh, well, he's just like softening the blow for when I say no. But no, he was just being an asshole. Yeah, I'm just like, don't talk about cramming me anywhere. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't deserve you.

God, I gotta think better of myself. He doesn't deserve you. I think very few men deserve me and they'd be so fucking lucky. It's the truth. Like the longer I'm single, not the angrier I get, but the more I'm like,

it's all you. It's you people. You people are fucked up. I'm more i'm like i it's all you it's you people people are fucked up i'm fucking great no it's the truth and i come across a lot i was just talking with my friend freddie who also works at buzzfeed she's like fucking amazing can't get a guy to save her damn life and i'm like what is it what is it with like strong bold awesome fucking women who have jobs who have money and i can't get any but well you know i think it has a lot to do with just la in general it that's the truth where we are i I think it's like a lady buffet for gentlemen. Yeah.

And I think, oh, this is going to sound really mean. I think LA is a desperate city and there's a lot of desperate women who are willing to settle for shit. You're right. And I think men here get to be very shitty and then end up with what they they believe is like the cream of the crop, like a beautiful blonde, thin, big titty, big butt lady. Yeah, small waist. Yeah. And I think, and then in comedy, I think a lot of dudes grew up being made fun of, found

comedy, and then attractive women started throwing themselves at them and they're like, well, I deserve this. No. There's been years and years of women not wanting me. And now I get it. And then you're served toxic shit like King of Queens. That fat motherfucker had a beautiful wife. And you never saw it the other way around.

Yeah, you're right. Never. Never. Like Roseanne, she was married to Dan. Dan was also fat yeah yeah and then monique on the parkers was chasing a man oh my gosh she couldn't get a man yeah same with what lisa lisa and sister sister yeah could never have a decent guy a man because like fat women can't have men in media you're right they can't be happy and they can't have men yeah media. You're right. They can't be happy and they can't have men. Yeah. And it blows my mind.

Yeah. And it's so fucking unrealistic. It's so unrealistic. Side note, have you been to like overseas on Tinder? I feel like I haven't like swiped

while being overseas. Oh my gosh. London. London is it. Really? Yes. I mean, granted I was just talking to women,

but they are all, I mean, if you want, go for it. Oh, because it is the best London people. First of all, are the hottest ever.

Second of all, London specifically, the black queer scene is insane. Hotties everywhere. So if you ever want to maximize anything, go to London. Put your gender as open and do it. I often think about maybe importing a person. Ooh. Have you watched... Importing a person.

Going overseas, getting me somebody, bringing them back, giving them a little visa. Yes. And do you ever watch 90 Day Fiancé? No, but I've heard enough.

Oh my God, it's the wildest show on television. And I love it. I can't get enough of it. None of the relationships are anything I want. All the people are out of their minds. But finding someone and importing them is an idea that I like.

Okay. But I think I'd have to meet them on vacation. I don't think I could do it. All these people have had relationships on the internet. And there's this one couple who i love so much she lives in brazil he lives in like kentucky they do not speak uh portuguese and she does not speak english and they just text each other via this like translation app wow and their relationship is bonkers you have got to watch this show. That's insane.

It's one of those things where you watch it and you go, no one would accept this script if I sent it to them. They would say, this is not based in any reality. The dialogue's insane. Wow.

What is the goal of any of these people? And you're like, I don't know. I'm gonna have to watch that. It's honestly perfect. Jasmine, can I ask you a question?

Yes. Would you date me me I think so honestly first of all let's just talk about how our photos on Instagram would be the fucking best we would have such an aesthetic yes other than that

you seem like a fucking dope person thank you and yeah we would definitely have to work on the fact that like we i think i would date you and also be your wing woman you know like i would make this i would find you the best fucking person out there to make sure you got what you needed that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me i'm pretty good at being a wing woman but i'm also very good at like not even like helping like okay so if my friend meets someone they're like i think i like him i'm like i found you someone better this one this one over here is

the one you go home with which i think is just a pimp yeah Yep. Oh, that is true. I think I'm just pimping my friends out. I think you are. But I mean, pimp is fun. If they're happy, yeah. There are happy hoes. There are happy hoes. Cardi B said something in one of her Instagram videos that made me laugh so hard. She was wearing this teeny tiny outfit.

She's like, hoes don't get cold. Yes, yes, yes. A hoe never gets cold. And that makes me laugh so hard because I'm like, they don't. No, they really don't. Like a real hoe, you won't see her shivering. You'll just see her strutting. Exactly.

I try to, I want to be a hoe. Yeah, it's hard. That's what I want to be. Sometimes when I go on tour, I'll set my Tinder to where I'm going. Oh. And then try to pre-swipe. But what I've learned is there's a lot of ugly people. There are.

In the rest of this country. Where do you travel to? Well, next week. Oh, no. This week I'm going to Albany. Oh. And then the second week in September I'm going to be in Vegas. Okay. And then...

Are you going to be out there for CurvyCon? No, when's that? In New York? The first week? I don't think so. Are you going to go to CurvyCon? Yeah. What is CurvyCon? It's like, you know how there's like BeautyCon and VidCon? Yes. So this is all like plus size

events and panels and people. And I've never gone. It's the first time I'm going this year. That sounds like fun. Have you been to BeautyCon? Yes. I didn't go this year. Did you?

I went to the one in New York. Yeah. Oh, in New York. In New York, I would go. Am I a liar? No, I went to the one in New York. I didn't go to the one here. Yeah.

It was a little overwhelming. Yeah. All of those cons are very overwhelming. They are. I'm jealous, though. I wish I could go to the New York Beauty Con because that's like, you see like the fucking business like professionals show up. LA, I love LA Beauty Con. It's also very like Instagram famous people.

So it's a little bit different demographics interesting yeah yeah i feel like there was it was a lot of makeup artists yeah new york one and then there was like just good things to take yes like i got this like brush cleaner that's incredible really yeah you like stick it in and then it spins it for you. And then it spins it dry. It's great. It is. I love it. I swear by it. I can't remember the name of it. Okay.

If I washed my brushes, I'm sure I'd do that. You'd wash them more often if you had this. Yeah, probably. When I get home, I'll look it up and I'll send it to you. Okay. But it's fucking fabulous. I love makeup. When did you discover makeup?

I didn't start wearing makeup until college. Yeah. And then I worked at Sephora while I love makeup. When did you discover makeup? I didn't start wearing makeup till college. Yeah. And then I worked at Sephora while I was here. Well, there you go. I like the highlight on your nose. Thank you. What is it? It's called, it's by Pinky Swear Cosmetics.

Okay. Super small brand. I got them at like some random Teen Vogue event. And it's called Lucid and I swear by it I like it so much because it's like a golden-y shimmer exactly I put Bobby Brown on first and then I put this on top and it is my everything I like it do you like Fenty I fucking love Fenty that's the lipstick I'm wearing it's very cute I like the foundation it does dry me out a little bit so I have to put a little

oil on before I put it on okay and then I love Trophy Wife it's just straight up glitter honestly Trophy Wife is one of those things where you like you know that it's probably not like the best look but

if anybody tells me wrong I'm like this is trophy wife by Rihanna like are you dumb? You'll shut the fuck up okay? Like no. Riri told me that I'm a trophy wife. Exactly like it's the look. Jasmine we gotta wrap this up. Okay. Do you have anything you

want to promote? Me? My Instagram you said my instagram is at jasmine j also i do have an instagram called lil snacks do you yes um i repost people's photos every day and we just like all thirst out on each other's photos so yeah that's fun and I like it. Yeah. Well, if you liked this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe. Rate it five stars. And if you send me a nasty little message, I'll read it. This message isn't nasty, but I would love this person to clarify what they mean.

On Point said, love it, but it seems like Santa Fe is the place for her. That is so fucking random. Why Santa Fe, On Point? Why? Please comment or Twitter message me. Okay, this one's a nasty one. This is Last Slice. They said, Nicole, I want you waterboard I want you to waterboard me

with your vagina until I'm begging for release. Do things to me that are only legal in Guantanamo. And then W3K3R5 said, love the show and always have a blast to listen to. Told so many people about it.

Nicole, I want to drink your bath water. Then I want you to squat over my face so my eyelashes can tickle your sweet, sweet love box. Then I want you to jerk my junk from behind, behind between my legs as I rub baby oil on my nibs. And after a bit, I would yell at the top of my lungs, choo, choo, all aboard. Then we would ride each other into the sunset.

That might be the best one I've ever gotten. Wow. It's very specific and very wild. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.