Yannis Pappas Hour - Bert Kreischer |

Episode Date: March 17, 2023

Bert Kreischer pulls up in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn to talk about the predators of Florida, the sexiness of going out like a rock star and more. Watch Bert’s Netflix Special, Razzle Dazzle and pre order tickets for his movie, The Machine!Sponsors:Native deodorant https://www.nativecos.comPromo code: fumesJoin for our weekly bonus episodehttps://www.patreon.com/yannispappashour See Yannis live Dates & Cities below All tickets: https://www.yannispappascomedy.comStamford CT April 7 & 8Tampa April 21-22Boston July 8 Dallas Aug 24-26New York Nov 4 Providence Nov 10-11Phoenix Nov 16-18Watch Yanni’s stand up special: https://youtu.be/ArlCFemEDvQJoin our highlights page for highlight clips of every episode: https://youtube.com/channel/UCfMy34qIYYy7XiRaHKO1ykwNew episodes every Friday and new bonus episodes every following Tuesday at Patreon.com/yannispappashour Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up, everybody? Welcome to the Giannis Pappas Hour. We got a very special episode with The Machine. Burt Kreischer coming up. It was so fun. My dates, live. Stanford, Connecticut. April 7th and 8th. Tickets are going fast. Little guest appearance from Marisa after my stand-up comedy show with Jared Harvin.

We'll be there as well. April 7th and 8th. New York Comedy Club. The new New York Comedy Club. Stanford, Connecticut. Tampa Sides, Flitters. Those shows are almost sold out. April 7th and 8th, New York Comedy Club, the new New York Comedy Club, Stanford, Connecticut, Tampa sides, Flitters. Those shows are almost sold out. April 21st, 22nd, the Wilbur in Boston, Massachusetts, the Wilbur Theater, July 8th. Presale is going amazing. Thank you. Get your tickets right now. Code Giannis. Presale code Giannis if presale is still going on. Presale code Giannis if freestyle's still going on. Then Plano, Texas.

Dallas got rescheduled to August 24th through the 26th. New York, Sony Hall, November 4th. Let's go. We're going to fucking sell them out and add shows. Providence, Rhode Island, November 10th to 11th. Phoenix, Arizona, November 16th to 18th. Indiana, Springfield, San Francisco. Those are all being rescheduled. Check back on my website,

yannispappascomedy.com for tickets, patreon.com slash yannispappashour for our weekly bonus episodes, some of the funniest. Now enjoy this episode with the great Burt Kreischer. Yeah. What's up, everybody? Welcome to The Honest Papas Hour. We got a very special guest in this part of Brooklyn, probably for the first and last time.

No, I love it out here. That park over there is beautiful. Yeah. This is great. Yeah, and we're close to the water, too. And I think- I saw the Statue of Liberty. Yeah, you can see the Statue of Liberty. There's a body of water.

I feel like you need to be close to a body of water. You look like you were born on a body of water. I was. Well, yeah, I was. I was born in St. Pete and grew up on a lake. I'm trying to work this bit out. I was doing it over at Rogan's Club, but there's so many predators in Florida.

You mean like sexual? Animals. Crocodiles. Sexuals, crocodiles, alligators, snakes, lightning. I mean, all of it. There's so many predators in Florida that I think it builds into my anxiety. I wasiles. Sexuals, crocodiles, alligators, snakes, lightning. Yeah. I mean, all of it. There's so many predators in Florida that I think it builds into my anxiety. I was trying to tell someone, I never once went water skiing, fell, and was like, that was fun.

Yeah. I was like, feet up, gator, let's go. We're good. Wrap it up. Get me in the boat. Like. Yeah. I always felt like that.

You'd be comfortable. Like, if everything goes underwater, Florida goes underwater, if global warming comes to full fruition, I think you'll survive. You'll build a house on water. You'll be like Aquaman. Yeah, you are Aquaman. This is not going to come out right,

but I look forward to disasters. You don't like blacks. That never comes out right. That never comes out right. I mean, they can be a bit much, is what I'm saying. It's a little, you got to get used to it. They're like oysters. It takes a little while gotta get used to it. They're like oysters. It takes a little while. They're like oysters.

They're like oysters. No, I used to have a joke. I have a sex with a black chick, it's like eating the blowfish sushi. You'll tell everyone about it. It'll be a memory of a lifetime, but if you do it wrong, you might die. That's funny. That's perfect. That's actually a perfect analogy.

Having sex with a Latino chick is like eating ceviche out of a conch shell with your feet in the water on a beach. It's beautiful. It's memorable. But you're probably going to get sick. And then a white chick's like a cheeseburger. It's like a cheeseburger. It's hard to fuck up. Yeah.

It's pretty good. It's pretty good. I mean, if it's done right, you're like, well, it's pretty good, but it's still at the end of the day, it was a cheeseburger. Let me throw you a curveball. Go. Half Honduran, half Chilean girl. What's that like?

Fuck. That's like eating Cobra. Right. Yeah. It's going to be memorable as fuck. Your asshole's going to be burning after. Yeah, but it's going to happen real fast for me. Yeah, the machine, razzle dazzle.

You got a special coming out. You got a billboard up in Times Square. You went from a billboard in Times Square to a junior one bedroom in Bay Ridge to do this podcast. It's so authentically New York. I was waiting for you to come out from one of those houses with a wife beater and slides and socks with some Yankees training shorts. Like, finishing up your coffee.

Over here. Hey, Vinny. Yeah. I should call out the window and be like, yo, burn up here. Come up here and set a fucking floor. See, growing up in Florida, I never had civic pride. Yeah. We just didn't have.

You weren't married to Florida, ultimately. You were like, my parents ended up here. Everyone's parents ended up pride. Yeah. Like, we just didn't have, you weren't like, you weren't married to Florida, ultimately. You were like, my parents ended up here. Everyone's parents ended up there. Right. And so, I looked at, like, you guys as like, that's what I wish I had. Like, an authentic personality based on the city that you're from.

You have that, though. Now I do. But guys like me created that. We created Florida. Florida didn't created that. We created Florida. Florida didn't create you. You created Florida. Well, Florida created us, and then we showed everyone how broken we are. Like growing up in Florida, I knew two dudes without tongues.

Right, right. Tongueless Brett and... Right, right. And that's not abnormal, right? That's just... Yeah. Dude, I mean, one, did you guys get molested a lot? Yeah. Okay, all right. Let's do tit for abnormal, right? That's just, yeah. Dude, I mean, did you guys get molested a lot? Yeah.

Okay. Let's do tit for tat, okay? I mean, I never got got, but it's like COVID. Like, I know someone who knows someone who died of COVID. Yeah. Like, it's like. It's like COVID. Yeah, it's like Catholic.

If you do Catholic, you can basically do like six degrees like Kevin Bacon with priests. I never got hard molested. Right. But soft molested a lot. What is the difference between a hard molested and a soft molested? Hard molested, you're sucking a dude's dick or he sucks your dick. That's a hard molested.

I always thought that was a soft one. I thought a hard one was when you had a relationship with the guy that you didn't consent to, but it was continual. That's rock hard. Yeah. Soft molestation was when it happened to you but it happened to all your friends too oh yeah so it's not as traumatic you guys yeah like an ice cube up the asshole like that they held you down they did it and then you were like and then you and then when you got up that you helped them hold the next kid down. I learned a lot during Me Too. That's actually kind of like a pretty sympathetic molester

because he's thinking, I'm going to molest you guys right into a support group. So I'm going to give you the support. You'll have the support group built in. Yeah, there's nothing like a walk home with your four friends after you've all been molested by the older kids. It does soften it, though.

You're not the only one. There's no secret to keep. You can't push it down and store it away, and then it comes back in your 40s. There's three witnesses. Dude, and that was Florida. That was Florida. I remember we moved into this.

We lived in a redneck neighborhood, really rough. Not rough, but it's the first place I ever heard the M word, like in first grade. Pretty quick. I mean, probably minutes after you moved there. Or minutes after you came out of the womb, the doctor maybe said it. It's not. The doctor probably said, don't worry, sir.

It's not a. Wife's faithful. I watched a dude finger a girl there, like in his front yard. Just there was, he was like. Who, the duck? You? No, two brothers, Daryl and Darren, I think were their names. And I was like, in first grade, we used to play a game.

I don't know. I can't remember the name of the game. You'd throw the ball in the air and whoever caught it got tackled. What was it called? I forget it. Smear the something. Anyway, you never played that game? I'm not trying to. We didn't have that game. Hold on. Are you serious? I don't think Smear the something. Anyway, you never played that game?

I'm not trying to. We didn't have that game. Hold on. Are you serious? I don't think so, yeah. Oh, we did. It was called Smear the Queer. Smear the Queer. Yeah, and so they'd throw the, and by the way, so you'd throw it up, you'd catch it,

and they'd tackle you. My buddy rolled in dog shit on his neck one time when they tackled him. I'll never forget that. He rolled in dog shit on his neck and came up, and he's like, what's on my neck? And everyone's like, fuck, run! And the poor kid just walked home. Mom! But I walked up on this guy, Daryl or Darren.

I was in first grade, and I had my football. All I wore was a Speedo. That's it. Nothing else. Speedo. Still, that's the case. Still this day. And walked up on my football,

and he was full-blown fingering a chick in his front, like making out and fingering her on the grass in his front yard. And I was like, hey, you guys want to play football? And he's like, not now. And I was like, okay. And I just sat down next to them, and that was our neighborhood. Yeah, that sounds like a fun game. Yeah.

Rolling dog shit. Smear the queer. Smear the queer. So what's the objective of Smear the Queer? Did not get tackled. Did not get tackled. So what's the objective of Smear the Queer? Did not get tackled. Did not get tackled. So what's the smear part? When they tackle you.

Oh. Yeah, and then once you get tackled, you stand up, and then you throw the ball in the air. Right. And then someone catches it and runs around. So what was it like growing up in such an inclusive, open-minded neighborhood? Yeah.

Well, my dad got us out of there pretty quick. Yeah. Yeah, he got us out of there, and then we moved to a more, that was more redneck. And the next one was a little more Cuban influenced. It's not the right way to say it because there was just like two Cuban families, but they had all the boys. And then that one was out further in the sticks. So you'd get other boys from other neighborhoods that were real rednecks,

and they'd come in with like bb guns and be like hey you got to the count of 10 we're gonna hunt you and you'd be like another fun game yeah it was called manhunt yeah and you didn't play manhunt no man how we did yeah but we played with bb guns well that's in florida yeah yeah yeah you could still carry manhunt yeah and they were like and were like, well, we don't want to be hunted. Yeah. And then they'd be like, 10, 9, and you just ran. Who do you think is more Republican, rednecks or Cubans? Cubans.

Cubans. Without a fucking doubt. Because they have that cash row, that recent cash row wound, right? Yeah, without a fucking doubt. Right. Most that cash row, that recent cash row wound, right? Yeah, without a fucking doubt. Most conservative dudes I know are Cuban. The most conservative Trump,

now I'm talking about my best friends I grew up with, they're all dudes who ate acid, smoked weed, finger fucked in the back of a Jetta, party dudes, and they're all fucking Trumpers. Yeah, I always feel like a Romeo and Juliet story in Florida would be like being Cuban and bringing home a Democratic guy.

That would be like... Wait, wait, wait, a dude on dude? Either way. That's just not happening. Yeah, you can't do that. That's just not happening. But just like if you bring home like, you'd be like, hey, he's a good old Obama supporter.

They're like, that's like Romeo and Juliet. You can't, those two families can't get along. No, Cuban chicks are fucking hot. They're hot. They're a little big boned, which I like, but they are big. Well, you build up your back muscles when you swim. I think that and also their cuisine is.

You build up your back muscles. Cubans. Also their cuisine is like, there's nothing healthy in the cuisine. It's like all fried. Yeah, just butter, pork, all that shit. Yeah. Roscoe Pollo, Picadillo. Picadillo is my favorite fucking meal ever.

And it's basically just hamburger meat with some olives. Yeah. But it's fucking good. It is good. We had a Cuban. All our lunch ladies were all Cuban So we just yet we we just ate Cuban food every day in high school that they just made Cuban food They didn't make like any white people food. It's a Cuban food. It's a lot of Hamon. Yeah, I'm on and pickles ropa vieja

Cuban sandwiches always had Cuban sandwich. You know, he's gonna keep a sandwich. Yeah, but man, I love Cuban food Yeah, possibly the okay You can always get a Cuban sandwich. But man, I love Cuban food. Possibly the... Okay, what's the best... If you had to marry a woman based on her ethnicity, only picking what food you'd eat for the rest of your life, she's going to make that food. I could overlook the stash and the hairy legs for the Italian food. If she could cook a sauce from scratch...

Hold on, you said that real quick. Let's think this through. Okay. Because Italian is a good call. It is a good call on, hold on. You said that real quick. Let's think this through. Okay. Because Italian is a good call. It is a good call. But hold on. Like, Asian would be pretty fucking hot. I don't know if I could do Chinese food for the rest of my life.

That's tough, dude. That's going to be tough on your sodium. You can't. I can't do it. I can't do it, no. You should marry a vegan. You should marry a sober vegan. A white chick, white chick, white chick.

Just a white chick with a food page on Instagram. Who's like, this is how you make delicious zucchini linguine with hummus sauce and tahini vinegar. So Indian, Indian chick. Indian chick you can call. Indian chick. I don't know if I could do Indian every day. Yeah, I mean.

Can you imagine? Do you have solid shits ever? I just had a, I had a shit. The shit I just took. Yeah. Pitch black. I mean, the darkest shit you've ever seen out of anyone. Concerning?

Like black? No, like pull it over for no reason at all. And so, and so. No. I thought. No, I don't mind him in the house. It came out of his bowl he just and so but i i was i was i i i it was still in there and i was done but i wasn't really done one more nugget coming out would have meant i was, but that nugget was still in there, and I had to wipe and really dig it out.

And it took a minute. It took a minute, and I had to go inside and come out to get it out. I think that's a lack of hydration or fiber. Lack of hydration? Oh my God. I have not drank any fucking water. I've just

been drinking alcohol. I have just been drinking alcohol. Do you drink? Not as much. Very little now. Yeah, very little. I got kids. I don't know. I got a can of... What are we doing? Are we playing a game? I got kids. Do you? You know, they can't see

when they're like 10 months old, they can't see past their fucking hands. So if you stand over there and drink, they don't fucking know. That's true. You just said that like you just found out I was a communist. Yeah. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. I thought I was, I didn't know I was here with the enemy. Well, it just seems really accusatory the way you said that.

The way, yeah, you're like, whoa. I don't drink that much now. I have kids, Bert. I'm a stand-up comedian. Oh, you took it that way. Oh, of course. No. That's what an alcoholic does.

No, I don't drink that much. I have a i have a career bird no listen no well yeah i mean you got one obviously a great one um no you know what it is your your existence is like a you're i like it's like a it's like defiance what's that defiance of like health defiance of communism yeah you know your, you go over there, you're like fucking fighting Russians. You're like a guy I feel like who I met at a Dave Matthews concert. What could have happened? I have a...

And you were the funnest guy, and then I met you 30 years later, and you were the same fucking dude. You're America. By the way, oh, that makes me feel so good. Yeah, you are. I am... I was telling these guys,

I got an immigrant child for the day. Our friend, I'll explain. Our best friends are Vietnamese and Chinese. My wife's Chinese, dad's Vietnamese. Their best friends in Vietnam came over, and they brought their child. Kevin's his name. I don't think it's his real name but right and so they come bring him over to america from vietnam he's maybe like 10 years old

eight and they spend the week in la like two days before his trip's about to over about to be over they say how's your trip been and he says i gotta be honest with you i didn't do anything american because our friends are chinese and vietnamese they do a lot of chinese and vietnamese shit so they only ate chinese food and vietnamese food like that's what they like making like what do you mean he goes like i don't know like i didn't do anything like really american and i wanted to do something american so our friend sandy goes let's call bert so they call me up and i go they go hey can you show him some American shit? I was like, uh, fuck yeah.

First thing I do is like pick him up. I go, you have McDonald's? He goes, we have McDonald's where I live. And I go, okay. In-N-Out burger. He's like, what's that? And I go, get ready. Double double, animal style, with fries.

Kid wolfs it fucking down. It happened to be the 4th of July. I then take him and I buy him a skateboard. And he's like, whoa. I get him a him a helmet pads he's skateboarding in my backyard i grab him i go you ever seen a gun he was like huh i go come on buddy take him in my room unload it give him a nine millimeter i go put it in your hand he's like i'm like don't tell your mom i was like pull the trigger he's like what i'm like yeah pull the trigger I go turn the laser on point at the cat the cat was So he's the kids like I'm gonna blast I was fourth July, so we have a big parade in our neighborhood

So I go buddy. We're dressing you up American shit all red white and blue Trump hat everything We're putting you in the parade and we're fucking marching through Valley Village. We go through the parade We end up at the park. He has two hot dogs a cheeseburger. We then get in the car I drive and I got my kids withburger. We then get in the car. I drive, and I got my kids with me, too. I drive in McGelson's. I get two tomahawk steaks. We get to our friend's house.

First thing he does is he throws up. That's American. Still there. And then he's like, I need to make room for those steaks. I'm like, now we're talking, baby. Now we're talking. We had the best. We went out in the front yard, lit fireworks.

He left America and was like, I want to come back. His mom, I just talked to his mom. My wife was in Vietnam with his mom a week ago, a week ago, and his mom said, Kevin still talks about you. I want you to play the national anthem over that entire thing, but I want to end that day with you guys went and shot up a school and did fentanyl, and then it was the most American day. Yeah.

And it was the most American day. Yeah. He was like, you got the gun and you're like, all right, now we're going to go find a middle school and really fucking be American. Buddy, he had a fucking blast, that kid. That's amazing. Yeah. It was a fun day. That is a beautiful day.

Did you speak to him afterwards? Did you follow up? I haven't talked to him since. Maybe he tried to sneak in, like stay. It's tough to have a day like that and then go back and eat like rice. After you have an In-N-Out burger, animal style. We went back to his house with two tomahawk steaks,

baked potato, mac and cheese, everything, right? And they were making pho. And they were like, we already bought steaks. I go, these are for Kevin and I. Cooked two medium rare steaks. I sliced them up nice and thin and he was like he was just like and i put rock salt all over it yeah man like i i enjoyed hanging out with that child more than my wife well he kind of yeah when they said let bert handle it it's almost like i feel like if the aliens came and they said all right we're gonna blow you up unless up unless you introduce us to one guy

who can explain America to us or show us America. The first guy I would think of, I'd go Burt Crusher. I'd go, let's get Burt. If we want to live, he can't send me. I'm like, you can't send a New Yorker. We're going to be like, hey, it's like the block. It's like stoop ball. It's like, no, that's not America.

You need a guy from Florida. Because Florida is like America's purple dick. It's got East Coasters in there. It's got Cub no, that's not America. You need a guy from Florida. Because Florida is like America's purple dick. It's got East Coasters in there. It's got Cubans, Hispanics. It's got blacks. It's got white trash. I didn't mean, I didn't do, like, I just meant. No, no, no, no, no, yeah, no.

You got water people. You got crocodiles. You got predators. You got molesters. You got molested. Yeah, it's really the Hunger Games of America. It really is America's dick. It is.

I fucking love it, man. It's Republican. It's Democrat. It's purple. It's pretty Republican. Not a lot of Democrats, in my opinion. Maybe in Orlando? I think the cities were.

No, no, no. Miami is predominantly Republican. What about the old Jews? The old Jews there, they hold short. Okay, like Boca, Stewart, all down the coast, up top, from Hollywood up. But once you get to like Cocoa Beach,

it's going red again. And then it's all the way up to Jacksonville. That's where Leonard Skinner's from. Oh, Jacksonville's Georgia. Jacksonville's pretty badass too. Those rednecks. Those are like broken down cars in your front yard rednecks. Those are like broken down cars in your front yard rednecks. My wife's family

are fucking red. Like rednecks. You can't understand her dad. Her dad will be like, hey boy, how you doing boy? Hey, I don't know. No Diet Coke. Right? I'll tell you right now, I'm with Captain Dave out in the boat.

No fish you gonna grab? No, I'll tell you. No one's driving to spill Diet Coke. No, I ain't drinking no Diet Coke. I ain't drinking no Diet Coke. I'll tell you right now, if I want to have Captain Dave out on the boat, no fish are going to grow up. No, I'll tell you, no one's going to spill Diet Coke. No, I ain't drinking no Diet Coke. I ain't drinking no Diet Coke. You understand that, boy? What the fuck did your dad just say? Daddy said, when I met her, she was embarrassed to introduce me to her family.

I hope they'll never hear this. She was embarrassed to introduce me. They won't. They'll never hear this. They'll never hear this. No, they won't. That's why we started about podcasts, too. You can bury the worst.

You can bury the secret of who killed JFK in a podcast. Nobody's listening to all four hours. Put it right in the middle of the road, and at two and a half hours, nobody's getting there. There was a guy who was doing Opie and Anthony, and at the end, they're all being crazy, and the last five minutes, he said he cheated on his wife. And she found out. And his defense was, you listened the last five minutes, he said he cheated on his wife. And she found out.

And his defense was, you listened the last five minutes. I want to bury hints for my daughter so when she gets older, she does a treasure hunt through podcast. Oh my God. I'd be like, I'd put money somewhere

and then I'd be like, you got to listen to every episode of Two Bears, One Cave. And I put a clue in each one. my god does we when i met her we were flying home to meet her dad meet her her family she was terrified and i go what's the matter she goes i know you came from money i didn't come from money but i definitely came definitely i was the rockefellers compared to her right i mean she grew, went to school barefoot until like third grade.

Wow. Like, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, dude, redneck. Like, redneck. She goes, I'm nervous that you're going to, this will turn you off meeting my family. And I go, I'm going to be fine. And she goes, I don't think you quite understand.

My dad lives in a convenience store. And I was like, huh? I was like, what are you talking about and she goes i know i just he built a room in the back of a convenience store he bought the convenience store and he just it's easier for him to live in the convenience store i go that's fine she goes hold on we're staying at the convenience store and i went we're staying in a convenience store like i'm i was like okay and now i love this woman i love her this is incredible she lit he lit so he works at the convenience store he owns it and then he lives in the back lives in the back it's called kemp's corner wow and so we uh we get there and we walk in the

convenience store i meet her dad for the first time i'm like it's really nice meeting you she's like daddy where do we put our bags daddy and he And he's like, oh, man, I don't know what I'm going to do. And I go, what? He lives in the freezer. So we go back. Converted it? He converted the freezer into a bedroom. Put up ice fucking cold. It was ice fucking cold in there.

And I'm like, part of me is going, I'm not judging. I'm open-minded. I love her. So she goes, you sleep on the couch. I'm going to sleep in the crannier. Daddy's going to sleep in the bed. And it was all in the freezer. All in the freezer.

So they were all kind of right there. It was bigger than this room. It was bigger than this room, but it was in. He had built a false wall. He built a wall, put up sheetrock, and built a wall to close off the back of the freezer. So we go in there, and it's a little weird because you either hang out in this room by yourself

or you hang out in the convenience store. Is it a 24-hour convenience store? Not a 24-hour convenience store, but it's a small town, so people come into the convenience store because Leanne's in town, and they want to meet Leanne. She had written a script. Her dad had printed copies of the script and sold them for $5 a copy, and he made loot off them.

Wow. Yeah, it's a weird neighborhood or area, Georgia. He was hoping she was going to be his meal ticket kind of. I mean, so we're in the convenience store, and we're just sitting in the tables of the convenience store, and everyone's just coming in, hanging out, and everyone's hanging out in the convenience store. There's a washer.

He also had a washer and dryer place like a laundromat attached to the other side of the convenience store that he owned so then we go to dinner at cracker barrel we come home at the end of the night it was swear to god and uh just like he locks up he's like that's it and i was like what do we do now and he's like well you want a beer i was like yeah and he goes go grab one i was like i can just grab him out of the thing he's like yeah so i go and i'm like oh grab a tall boy i was like i eat like whatever i want in here and he's like yeah i was like shut the fuck up dude i've never been happier in my entire fucking life i ate like a fucking lunatic i tried shit i had never tried i'm just sitting in the field like

pig's feet let's eat one fucking's feet, let's eat one. Fucking deviled eggs, let's eat one. And it was ice cold and it was pitch black. There's no windows. So like you were in a cave. You'd get into that freezer, go to sleep, wake up, get up, have a cold beer, have a fucking Snickers bar, shut the fuck up.

My heart broke when he sold that fucking convenience store. That does sound like having to have carte blanche at a convenience store. Yeah. Yeah, one night you have ramen, then you have a little beef jerky. Oh, yeah, the beef. Then you smoke some Salem cigarettes, some menthols. Put a dip in, put a chew in.

Yeah. I was just loaded up. I was doing everything at that time. It was the best. And then people would come in, and they'd be like, I want to meet his boyfriend. And so I'd come out in my underwear in the convenience store what's up it was awesome it was the best man i'm i got so bummed that he sold that place but yeah that that area i mean that was like that it's fun it's funny shit i i

love going back there because it's almost like i don't know there was like no rules. It really is off the grid, like off the grid. It's like a very small town in Florida? No, in Georgia. In Georgia. In Georgia. It's called Bowdoin, Georgia. Which is sort of like Georgia and North Florida blend in, right? There's no difference.

It's all one area that Bobby Bowdoin is the king of. Right. And so this is more on the border of Alabama and Georgia. Her dad, at one point, my wife, true story, you're not going to believe this, went to a family reunion and ran into her boyfriend and said, what are you doing here? He was like, I'm Kim with the Gentries. She's like, I'm Kim with the Gentries. And she's like i'm kim with the gentries and her

daddy goes shit you can but you ain't blood you fine yeah you can but you ain't blood you can fuck first they didn't have sex they were just dating they were younger but that's the that you can but you ain't blood so you can you can have sex there's you'll probably have a kid yeah well i guess it's first cousin, it's possible, right? Is it like... No, okay, so... First cousin can go good, but it can also go bad. You can't do first cousin.

You can't do first cousin. That's blood. But it could come out okay. So, like, if... So... I mean, I know God says no, but you can't do it. No, no, I don't think so. I don't think blood is what...

On our marriage... No, but I'm saying you can actually perform it. You can do it. Oh, you can do it, No, no, I don't think so. I don't think blood is what, on our marriage. No, but I'm saying you can actually perform it. You can do it. Oh, you can do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a chance that the baby will come out with one head. Yeah, no, you're going to get a Habsburg. You're going to get a Habsburg.

You're going to get a Habsburg. Yeah. So you're going to get hemophiliac with no chin. That's definite. That's definite. And you do not want one of those. Yeah. You, on our marriage certificate, in her hometown, when we got married,

the third question on the thing was, are you blood relatives? And I said, lady, what do I put for three? She goes, is you? I said, I don't think we is. She goes, then put down the chain. I go, I'm definitely not writing ain't because that means we is. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy. There are places like that in the world where I go, I'm definitely not writing ain't, because that means we is. Yeah. Isn't that crazy?

That is crazy. There are places like that in the world where it's like there's just not a lot of options. You can't. You can't. In a town of like fucking 1,300 people, it's going to happen. That's why I don't know if like does true love exist, or is it more just about like what's available to you? Oh. You know what I mean?

I mean, I look at, you know, I mean this respectfully. You know what I mean? I mean, I look at, you know, I mean this respectfully. I didn't have the same options that you have to date. Like, my options were extremely limited. And I had to meet the person. I had to physically meet them to date them. Like, someone had to go, oh, you know who you should meet?

You're talking about because he's younger. Jared's younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because he's black. No. Yeah, of course, because he's black. Just wanted to make sure. Yeah. talking about because he's younger. Jared's younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, because he's black. No. Yeah, of course, because he's black. Just wanted to make sure. Yeah, but your options are wide open. You can get on your phone.

Of course. And you can scroll and date a woman that never would have gotten in your circle if it wasn't for that phone. Right. So it's interesting when you talk about that because I think it does exist, but I think with the presented options,

I think it's actually harder because he's not, I don't mean it's disrespectful, but he's probably not willing to settle as quickly as I was. The best thing you could ever do is settle for something that is not the ideal

thing. It is so much more rewarding than holding out and being that guy that's waiting for your aaron rogers right yeah waiting for your tony romo waiting for like that's net that will never happen and the biggest problem is aaron rogers and tony romo are just as good you're gonna always be looking for tom brady you're not gonna find tom brady. Brady, I got Taylor Heineke, and I'm really happy. I don't think your wife's going to hear this either, right? No, she'll never listen.

I got a solid quarterback with a great arm. Big heart. Big heart. Fun as fuck. Yeah, yeah. Fun as fuck. Great sense of humor. Yeah.

Good Instagram presence. Yeah, yeah. I met Taylor Heineke. He's a fucking. He's a cool dude. He's a badass motherfucker. Dude, yeah. Yeah, but. So met Taylor Heineke. He's a fucking badass motherfucker. Let's put it this way. If I said to you,

if I said to you, She's out of the league next year. Oh, she's retired, bro. She is retired. She's a journeyman. If I said to you tonight, you get to go to dinner with one football player, who do you want to go on? It can be Aaron Rodgers, Tom Brady, or Taylor Heineke.

You're never picking Taylor Heineke. No. Right? But I did, and I love it. Yeah. I love it because guess what? Guess what? No one else wants Taylor Heineke but me.

Me and Taylor Heineke, he's my fucking dude. He's very unique. And he's like, and you know what Taylor Heineke looks at me now, now where I am, and goes, hey man, I really appreciate you not picking Tom Brady. Yeah,

yeah. This is a good fucking analogy. Yeah, it's a really good analogy. So what did you get? Who did you draft? Oh man,

I, well here's the thing, my wife's 14 years younger so I got a franchise. Oh my God. I got Kobe. You got a franchise player? Yeah,

I got a franchise player straight out of high school. Holy shit, what the fuck were you thinking? We started recruiting her in middle school. She had a great fucking upside. Physical came back good.

We're rebuilding the franchise. We got rid of the veterans and we're going young. Oh, shit. Let's hope she doesn't blow out her knee. Yeah, she doesn't blow out her knee. What's her ethnicity?

She's Greek and Italian. Oh, shit. Yeah, she's half Italian, half Greek. Yeah, basically, you know, we're building around her. I like it. So far, so good. I think we got knocked out of the first round of playoffs last year,

but this year we're hoping to go all the way. I hope people listening understand that that is the best thing you can do. Now, that's interesting because having too many options is sometimes a bad thing, right? I had no options. I had a physical picture of her that was on our refrigerator. She had gone to Vegas with my roommate and a bunch of people. And he had taken a picture with her.

And when I saw her in that picture, I went, she's fucking hot. And he's like, oh, yeah. And then one day we walked to Runyon Canyon. And she was working in the office at the base of Taylor of Runyon Canyon with her roommate they were writing a script and I saw her and I went in and we tried to talk to her and she was a cunt I mean like a real fucking cunt my wife is legit like if you don't know her she can she can come off pretty aggressive and so I tried to talk to her and she just was like we're working and I was like okay and then I went to a yoga class with her, and her ex-boyfriend showed up.

He just dumped him, and he brought flowers to the yoga class. And she dressed him down in front of a fucking yoga class of, this is why we will never happen. You are sad. Did you think coming with a set of flowers in front of all these people, you're embarrassing yourself, and you're embarrassing me. Get the fuck out of here. And we were all like, ooh.

And then I sat next to her in yoga on accident. I put my Mattel, she put her down in Mattel next to me. I was like, stay away from this woman. And I sweat so much in that yoga class that she was laughing at me. She's like, what is wrong with you? And I go, I'm a sweater. And then we went bowling.

And like a week later we all went big group went bowling and she was like who is he he's cute and she gave me her number and i was like i'm not fucking with her i was like i'm staying the fuck away from her i was i also thought all women were whores at the time and so and i was like she just want to fuck you and get on because i was like she just had a boyfriend what's she doing doing? Probably because you just got hurt by a girl who did that, right? Yeah, that's how yeah, are you a therapist? Yeah Nobody goes to that full extent or they just go all in their whores unless there's some sort of burn And then I didn't call her. I wouldn't call her. And then she called my roommate.

She goes, hey, what's up with your roommate? He was supposed to take me out. And he was like, I don't know. And I just walked in from spin class, 186 pounds. I look fucking good. Wait, you're doing yoga? You're doing spin? Dude, have you ever seen me skinny?

No. Yeah, just pull up Bert Kreischer skinny. Skinny Bert Kreischer. This is what my wife got into, OK? And you're going to be like, shut the fuck up. You ever see those skinny pictures of Bobby Kelly? Yeah, right next to him. Yeah, look.

Let's take a peek. This one here? Yeah. That's you? Oh, yeah, look, that's Bobby. And look at Skinny Bert. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

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No aluminum. Good for you. And so that's when my wife met me. And then we went out. We went out. We went out, and she did this thing. My wife does this thing. I'm trying to explain it.

This is why I picked Taylor Heineke, okay? My wife does this because I had been around with some prospects. And in New York, I come out to New York. And this girl that I thought I was going to marry, I thought I was going to marry, she This is Lamar Jackson. Lamar Jackson. So talented. So talented. And I've been

watching her for a while. I've been watching him for a while. What am I doing? I was like, that sounds creepy. I'm trying to do the analogy, but I'm fixing up analogy and reality. But Lamar Jackson was always looking to get traded to a different team. It never felt like he was happy at the Ravens. He was always like, I would love to play for the Falcons.

It would be fun to live in Atlanta, wouldn't it? And you're like, well, easy. Why don't you just enjoy the Ravens? And my wife was playing for the fucking, for the Colts. Yeah. And was like, and was loving the Colts. I love Indianapolis. And like every time we'd talk, she'd look me in the eyes and she was present and she forced me to be present.

And it was so cool to be with someone who didn't want something else because that's what I want. I want to be with people that want to be with me. You know? Anyone, it's the thing that sucks about this business when you, when you're not making money or you're not successful or you're not famous, people don't give you, they don't value you. They look over your shoulder and they're like looking down the hall. Oh, what's up Bobby? Hey, Bobby Kelly's here. And you're like, oh, okay. I thought we were talking that. I hated that about this. Oh, it's the worst. Well, you never got it.

I got it. I'm not saying that disrespectfully, but you'll never be a 44-year-old failure. Like, I was a 44-year-old failure. You're looking at one right now. Dude, you're one of the fucking biggest comics in the country. You're fucking one of the biggest podcasts in the country. You're one of the biggest, yeah.

But I was fired from Travel Channel and didn't have a career. And no one respected me. And I was a nice guy. But the only people that looked me in the eyes and talked to me when we were at the store were my good friends, like Rogan, Joey, Tommy. People would look over my shoulder. I knew that feeling. I remember talking to one guy.

I won't say his name. I was talking to one guy. Jay Moore. his name but i was talking to one guy jay moore no that's not that guy jesus i was talking to one guy and uh and he just in the middle just i was talking he just walked away from me and i was like and i was like and he was like oh are you done and i was like wow i was like but that's my value that was my value and i had to assess my value at that moment and realize that that's what I meant to the community. I was saying this to someone the other day. I might have been saying it to Stefano, but there was a moment where I realized

if I quit comedy, no one would care. No one would be like, whatever happened to Bert? Everyone would just be like, well, he's gone. And there's a lot of guys that are still like that, but I had that. I had that opportunity to feel that. Because now if I quit comedy, people would be like, what the fuck? there's a lot of guys that are still like that but I had that I had that opportunity to feel that because now if I quit comedy

people would be like what the fuck what are you doing yeah yeah but my wife gave me that presence when I talked to her and let me tell you something

I know Taylor Heineke he does too he is awesome right so the analogy and the reality are true for Taylor Heineke for your wife

it all works together so you say it to all the kids out there having said that I've hung out with Aaron Rodgers he's pretty fucking awesome and the reality are true. For Tyler Heineken, for your wife, it all works together. So you say it to all the kids out there. Now having said that, I've hung out with Aaron Rodgers. He's pretty fucking awesome. He's pretty cool too, yeah. God damn it. God, am I going to cheat on Heineken

with Aaron Rodgers? Like if I meet an Aaron Rodgers, what do I fucking do? Well, are you the Jets? Because if you're the Jets, you're gonna. Yeah. Yeah, because I think

if you get the call from, no, your wife's great, she's gorgeous, you got a great family. Are you too? Now it's getting really like therapy. Don't cheat on your wife. No, she's beautiful.

I love her. She's the greatest. You got a prenup? Oh, no. No, so you can't leave now. It's like Chaz Palminteri in Bronx town. Now you just can't leave. No, no, no, I can't leave.

No, she's got, she doesn't. She probably wants you't leave. No, no, no, I can't leave. No, she's got, she doesn't, she knows. She probably wants you to leave. She probably goes, Bert, do something. She would fucking love it. She would start the second chapter of her life. Are you kidding me? She'd probably go, Bert, look at that hot piece of ass. Go get it.

Go, go, go, go, go, go. Just make sure you like and film it. Yeah, she knows where all the money is. I have no idea where the money is. I don't know how to do anything. Yeah. She just, she buys houses. I don't, how to do anything. She just, she buys houses. I don't fucking.

You know, that's, I just want to say something earnest about that though because that is, it really feels, like that's the best thing

when comics help you out. You LA guys are really great about that. You've been great to me about that. Yeah, but you're funny. Thank you.

But it's, you guys don't, I think in New York sometimes everyone's like, I want to be the goat. I want to be the goat. I want to be the goat. It's like, dude, nobody's the goatAT. I want to be the GOAT. I want to be the GOAT. It's like, dude, nobody's the GOAT.

Everyone's funny. Just help each other out. We have control now. It's such a nice, welcoming, warm vibe that you guys, you know, you come in here. It helps me a lot, so I appreciate it. You didn't have to make this stop on the way to JFK. I know you just did it because it was convenient. You were looking at the road.

You're going, all right, that's on the way. No, there's people that it's selfish, but I operate out of a customer operation. So I look at everything as a customer, as a fan. But if I take in a lot of content, and if you make me laugh, then you're on my radar. And then I go – and you made me laugh very early, very, very, very early. I think even before your live special, like well before that. And secret time, there was – my bar I went to in college was called Yanni's. Oh, there you go. So when I heard your name, I went, oh, I want to check them out.

It brought out a warm feeling. But I loved your live special you did that you put on YouTube, and I loved you on any time you're on a podcast, you made me laugh hysterically. Thanks. And so I was like, and so that registers on my radar,

and then what I do, and this is selfish, is I find the people that I know that make me laugh because I know they're making other people laugh. And then I try to be associated with them. And so that's why I do that fully loaded festival. That's why I was on Rogan. Dude, Rogan, I loved Rogan's show fucking 12 years ago. When he was doing it with the snowflakes coming down, I loved it.

I loved it. I listened to it all the time on Travel Channel. And when I had an opportunity to do it, I was like, fuck yes, because I knew I loved it. So I figured other people must love it too, and if I can be in that situation, then maybe they'll love me. So that's the way I looked. Hot Ones, perfect example.

I fell in love with Hot Ones like fucking six years ago, seven years ago. We used to talk to Sean Evans before anyone knew about the show. I was like, I know I like it. I know cool people like it. That's the way I operate. Right now I'm trying to figure a thing I can do with girls on only fans because I know that I like those girls. And I, and so I know that there are cool people that like those girls too. So if I can come up with a show to associate myself with a TV show, because I have the

opportunity to do that. I have an opportunity to make a TV show or something that, that they would want. And then I could associate with them, and then all those guys that like them would see me and go, oh, I love, like, it's kind of a selfish way to operate a business, but it's also very mom and pop-like. Like, just, it's like open up a fucking sandwich shop next to a great butcher.

Yeah. You learned that from your father-in-law. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You had the laundry man and the convenience store. Yeah, it's like, they're gonna spill food on their clothes. Let's wash them. the laundry mat and the convenience store it's like they're gonna spill food on their clothes yeah well i mean it's selfish but it's also you're helping people out i mean yeah we're not social workers you're not a social worker but someone's got to be funny or yeah but i know i can be funny around a funny person also like i'm like trust me there's

people there's people i like like i won't say their names but there's podcasts i listen to where i they're not they're not funny but i still listen to the podcast and i and they ask me sometimes and i go i'm gonna i don't know if i don't know if i'm i'm not serious dude like i don't know if i'm gonna be good on it right so i just like i can't do the analogy i can't say shit that i can say to you right you understand it's a joke yeah and they understand it's a joke sometimes they're like like, so wait, do you love your wife? And I'm like, shut the fuck up. I cum in her, okay? Yeah. I don't cum things I don't love.

That should be a shirt. I'm sorry you had to hear this, Victoria. She's so comfy on the beanbag. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Beanbags are underrated. That woman will change your life. She's fucking Aaron Rodgers. You want me to leave my wife?

She will change. Man, if you're a comedian, if you're a comedian and you're listening to this, you should wife up Victoria immediately. Here we go. She is a game changer. Will you marry me, Victoria?

I'm looking for something new. My wife won't hear this either. Trust me. She stopped listening to my shit a long time ago. That's the good thing about being with someone. Me and me my wife been together nine years I stopped being her favorite comic like eight years and nine months ago. Oh, yeah

I am so far from my wife's favorite comic so far her favorite comic without a doubt is David tell Without a doubt got great taste. Yeah. Well when she first met me she said You're not my wife's pretty brutal. She's like, you should be funnier than that. And I was like, huh? She's like, you're like, it's really dumb. What you're saying is really dumb. You should be, I think you're smarter than what you're doing on stage.

And I was like, it works. It's like, you can't explain to someone, I'm young and it fucking works. And I'm trying to figure it out and so i didn't know i didn't know if i should i didn't know if i should value her sense of humor and i could not love her because i agreed with her a little bit but i if if she was just a bad taste of comedy and was like god you know who i love have you heard of yakov smirnoff and i'm like oh my fucking god so i put in skanks for the memories in my car didn Didn't say anything. I was testing her.

This is how I was going to find out if I could marry this chick. I put in skanks for the memories in the car. And she was crying laughing. And I was like, she's like, what is this? I go, this is David Tell. And so I test her out. I put in Brian Regan, crying laughing. Her favorite comics are, she's not a fan of toms she she she does not like

two bears one cave she uh but she loves ian bag she loves uh david tell she loved mitch headberg and it's funny i did i introduced him to my daughters my oldest daughter adores david tell right very analytical brain my youngest daughter's like analytical brain. My youngest daughter likes him. But my youngest daughter's favorite comic is Mitch Hedberg. And then I said, my older daughter said about Mitch Hedberg, she goes, is this guy high? And I said, yeah.

She goes, so he does drugs. And I said, yeah. She goes, is he still alive? I said, no. She goes, how did he die? I said, drug overdose. She goes, so this is sad, technically. And I was like, well, you're taking the fucking fun out of it. I was like, Jesus, don't follow my career. Yeah, you don't want to think about the sausage being made when you're eating the sausage.

Yeah, Jesus Christ. I mean, the heroin helped him for a while. I mean, it helped him do that. I mean, there's, look, I don't know, whatever. I'm not going to say anything. But like, I. I want you to say it now. Whatever that is, it's going to be good.

All right, let it out. Let it out. There's something sexy about it. Yeah. Like, okay, let's take a, let's take a. Shit, yeah, maybe you should have kept that in. Don't kill yourself, kids. There's something sexy about it.

Like, I mean, you probably, were you doing stand-up when Mitch was alive? Yes. Okay. I was young in it, but yeah. So I was not young in it but yeah so i was not young in it i was on the road and you would hear story there was an allure about him he had no social media presence you know you just hear stories like you know they pulled him over at the fucking houston airport and he almost lost his leg and you're like what there i don't mean

this in a bad way but there is something sexy to someone who's out of control, and there's something Google-able about it. I mean, I'm being serious, and I wonder if in therapy I've been drawn to it because, like, John Belushi, right? Chris Farley. Like, these legends that have – there's something – Artie, there's something sexy to hearing these stories. Yeah. Jim Morrison.

Dude. Same with rock and roll, right? Same with rock and roll. Oh, okay, you ready? You want to get right? Same with rock and roll. Oh, okay. You ready? You want to get deep? You want to get deep? Okay.

Very deep. I brought this up to Pete the other day. Hold on. Do we all like Foo Fighters? I do love Foo Fighters, yeah. Did you like Nirvana? Yes. Okay.

It's amazing that he was the drummer of that band. Two legendary bands. It's like nuts. Yeah. However, had Kurt Cobain never killed himself, would we have ever gotten Foo Fighters? And, and. No, we wouldn't.

What if, what if, let me go even further. If we didn't have slavery, would we have rap music? Would we have great art? We have great art. Would we have great music? Would we have great art? We have great art. Would we have great music? Would we have break dancing? I think the beauty is people can turn struggle into something beautiful. That's what's allurable about it.

Yeah. Even if they kill themselves and die in a bathtub. Or even if they get whipped for eating chicken. But take a look at all those bands that were big at the time and then just kind of just... And then you're like, I don't know. I'm not a fan. I don't really follow them anymore. Look at Hole. Great fucking band. And then you look at her now and you're like, I don't know. I'm not fans. I don't really follow them anymore.

Like, look at Hole. Great fucking band. And then you look at her now, and you're like, okay, that's great. But like almost what's crazy is in the most legendary way, Kurt Cobain preserved all this art for the rest of your life.

It will be one of the greatest rock bands ever. And then selflessly gave us another great fucking rock band selflessly i think when he was pulling the trigger he's like i can't keep holding david growl back anymore i'm doing it for you dave i'm doing for you dave growl but like there is a thought bubble in that right you go without without that act he he cements himself as a legend. Right. Cements himself.

Cements himself and then gifts the world, there goes my hero. Ordinary! Dude, what a fucking, like... I can't hear that song without opening my windows and screaming it out the door. If Tom Segura overdoses on Ozempic. And then we start one bear, one Greek. And it's the greatest fucking thing of all time.

Tom did a selfless act by making us fucking do one bear, one. What would it be called? One Greek bear. The fig and the. The fig and the... The fig and the orzo. What do you guys call bears? Yeah, I don't know. Probably orzo.

Orzo, maybe, yeah. That sounds right. I don't speak Greek, but I speak make-believe Greek. Wait, was I speaking make-believe languages the other day? I don't know. Let me call Leanne. Yeah, Jameson will do that to you. Wait, what?

Oh, I was doing it. I was faking make-believe Spanish. How much of your life do you remember at this point? I have a lot going on, so I remember a lot of it, but I don't remember stories. Like, my closing bit on the special, I did not remember it. Like, I was on stage, and George, my oldest, called.

FaceTimed me. She's in college, so I answered immediately. I was like, what's up? She goes, what are you doing? I said, I'm on stage. She goes my oldest, called and FaceTimed me. She's in college, so I answered immediately. I was like, what's up? She goes, what are you doing? I said, I'm on stage. She goes, oh, okay. I love you. And I go, she goes, what bit are you telling?

And I said, I'm not telling anything. I'm talking to you. And she goes, you should tell the escape room. I go, what's that? She goes, you remember when we went to the escape room? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what happened? She goes, well, we brought Papa because Isla and I wanted to see him lose his shit.

I went, oh, yeah. And then everyone laughs. And she goes, and we wanted you to have a panic attack i go yeah she goes and then we you guys thought we were in a serial killer's house and i was like oh yeah yeah yeah and she was like and then papa threw nana on the floor and i go yeah yeah yeah she goes mom solved all the clues and then you shit in papa's mouth and i'm like oh my god no keep going keep going keep going and then and i go how did it end she goes i don't don't remember, and hung up. I went, fuck, it isn't ending. But like, so I don't remember. I can't really tag good stories while they're happening.

I need someone to go, oh, you know what you should tell is that. And I'll go, oh, yeah, yeah, that would be good. It sparks your memory. You do got it. You like being this busy? Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't imagine not.

You're on the road every day. You're doing the festival with all those funny comics. You got the movie coming out. You got the movie coming out. You got the special coming out. Then you fly into Austin. You do Two Bears with Tom. Then you party with everyone in America all the time. Yeah.

You're a busy guy. I'm flying to Vegas tonight. Tom and I are doing a show tomorrow morning. Then we fly back to New York. I saw that. It's going to be awesome. Producing Shane Torres' special out at the Salton Room. And then we fly back.

Tom and I do Two Bears from L.A. Monday, Tuesday. I go back out on the Sultan room. And then we fly back. Tom and I do two bears from LA Monday, Tuesday. I go back out on the road. I am on the road for three more weeks. Then I go to Australia. I come back from Australia. I got the movie premiere. Nice. But I love it. I love it. I mean, look, here's the thing.

And I don't mean to harp on this, but I was blessed to be a failure in this business. Because once you know no one gives a fuck and you've got to carve your way out, then when shit happens, you're like, I'm not letting go of this tiger's tail. Right, right, right. If it fucking bites, I don't give a fuck. Right. I'm making hay while the sun shines.

Right. Well, you are. The movie, you know, Machine, it's based on the viral clip, The Machine. It looks fun and fucking funny. It's fucking awesome. I mean, it's a fun movie. It's an adventure comedy, so I don't think anyone expected that. It's a reimagining of the story.

So, like, when I sold it, I went into the room and I pitched three other movies that were all really good. I pitched one last night to one of my directors, and he was like, can we make this? I had three good pitches. And then the guy, Cale, goes, all right, I'll make one. I go, what? And he goes, I'll make one. Which one do you want to make? I was like, what?

And he goes, I'll make a movie with you. Let's do it. And I was like, ah. I go, well, fuck. I go, honestly, man, if you're saying I get to make a movie, you're giving me $30 million, then I'm making The Machine. And he goes, why not? And I said, because i'm afraid

if i make it that it'll be big and it'll get popular and the mafia will see it and they'll get mad and they'll fucking kidnap but there's some sexiness and he goes sold yeah i said what he goes sold sold that's our your movie that's your movie it's the hangover meets the godfather too oh i was like i didn't even understand it. When I walked out of the room, I went, what the fuck did we just sell? And then we made it. And it's fucking, what's crazy is there were two trailers. The trailer, well, there's a teaser, which I leaked on Rogan. There's a trailer.

And then they had another trailer that had all the jokes from the movie in it. You know when you see one of those and then you go see the movie you're like oh man well i wanted that one because it was such a good fucking trailer and our director is like no we're not using that one because it'll ruin the movie and i and i even though i hate when they do that i wanted them to do that i didn't give a fuck and they didn't they did one more but there's only like one joke from the movie in it and the trailer was really popular it went viral viral. Everyone was really excited. And so, yeah, Memorial Day weekend in theaters. You can go to themachine.movie to go see it.

Get your tickets pre... I'm also doing a thing where we're pre-selling tickets so that we can sell it out before it even hits theaters so you don't have to wait day of and see what your box office numbers are. So if you want to support the movie, go to themachine.movie. It looks really fun.

It's exciting, funny. You look like you're great in it. It's a great story. And Luke Skywalker's in it. Yeah. That's tough. His real name is Bruce Hamill? Mark Hamill.

Mark Hamill. Shit, that sucks. That sucks that I called him Luke Skywalker. God damn it. He doesn't care. He's cool as shit. That's fucking,

because I know Harrison Ford's real name. That's what sucks about it. Why did that happen? Why did Luke Skywalker, he's a star of the show, and why is he still Luke Skywalker? If Harrison Ford killed himself, he wouldn't know Mark Hamill real name. That's what sucks about it. Why did that happen? Why did Luke Skywalker, he's a star of the show, and why is he still Luke Skywalker? If Harrison Ford killed himself, he wouldn't know Mark Hamill's name. Right.

That's true. Maybe that's what happened. But there's a dangerousness about Harrison Ford that Tom Selleck didn't have. Like, Tom Selleck's great. He's great. Right. But there's something. They wanted Tom Selleck to play the part. Great.

Right. But there's something, they wanted Tom Selleck to play the part. And you can see, I think you can see Mark, Harrison Ford read with other actors who they wanted to play. There's like. Solo? Yeah, yeah. Mark told me, Mark Hamill, he told me everything. He told me so much behind the scenes gossip that I was like, shut the fuck up. And then finally they were like,

I think there's audition tapes of Harrison Ford reading for the other parts for the other people, like running sides with them. And I think they wanted Tom Selleck, but there's nothing, there's something dangerous. There's something like, that's the thing about art. I'm not going to use comics names, but I wish I could because then you'd get it you go say we'll bleep it Promise you believe it poor problem. I don't want to get of course like a bleep it right so fucking talented

So fucking talented, but he works out really hard. He takes care of his body And you know like there's no drugs. There's no alcohol. There's no you need like a little flaw need a fucking flaw Yeah, yeah, you need a fucking flaw yeah yeah you need a fucking flaw you gotta be broken a little bit right people go god i kind of want to catch it you know but you can't have too much of flaws right like you can't be like you know obviously there's some people who had some big flaws that came out and everyone's like so but yeah you need a little a little something a little razzle dazzle. What's me? If you were analyzing me, what should I play up and what should I play down? Am I broken enough?

What's the problem with me? Sell me. Sell me. Fix me. Be my manager. Tell me what to do. The thing is, you're really dangerous and you're raw. Because you grew up here, there are things that the way you behave is very localized

to this area. And people in other parts of the country are like whoa he said that you're like and we grew up around everyone you know like whoa there's a dangerous and you're smart as fuck that's the other thing you guys are all a hundred times smarter than any of us like especially out in la and even my generation of comics i don't buy that though you're very smart you guys give a fuck oh i'm smart in a different way you guys are smart about everything. You guys know

Harambe shit. I don't know who that fucking is. You know? Jeffrey Epstein. I don't really give a fuck about him. I don't know personally. No, but you guys know his thing. Ooh, did you hear about the financial crisis? I was like, is that a big thing?

You guys know about COVID. And I was like, I'll say he's had a big thing. Like, you guys know about COVID. And I was like, I got it seven times. Right, right. So, but do you think New Yorkers could benefit a little more from marketing or thinking about that shit? Like, what do people think about us? No, it's why you guys are so successful is because you guys are unapologetically you. You're unapologetically who you are.

There's a part about LA Comics, and I'm one of those, but there's a part of me that is a little apologetic, that I definitely don't take big swings on big topics because I don't like the heat and I don't give a fuck. I'm also not interested in a lot of shit. You'd be shocked what I'm interested in. Spice Girls or something like that? HBCU cheerleaders.

That's my big thing right now. Gay dudes on TikTok. I'm really into gay dudes. Boat launch videos. Boat crashes. I'm a real... Puerto Ricans getting their hair cut. I'm a real simple guy.

I'm a simple guy. That's just so fucking specific and niche. You just sit there watching Puerto Ricans get their hair cut. Yeah. You just love it? I could go to Spanish Harlem right now and sit in a barbershop and just be like, can you go tighter? Can you go tighter?

No, I'll pay for it. I just want to watch. Is there something oddly soothing about watching a boat pull in? Oh, my God. Are you being serious? Yeah, no, I'm serious. Oh, you should follow Tug Life. Yeah.

Tug Life is like the best fucking, Tug Life, I literally this morning, I definitely this morning, I watched every single one of their videos. I got to the end of Instagram on Tug Life. Like all fucking, dude, pirates trying to attack a boat. A boat running into another boat.

A boat sliding under a boat. Oh my God. You love it, huh? Dude, and do not get me started on hbcu cheerleaders by the way i want to oh dude they all started following me because i because i love it i love it i love it it is so fucking uh it get it's the energy I want to bring into every one of my days. You kind of do. An HBCU cheerleader squad, it'll start with one young lady who instigates the cheer.

You say you want no problems, but you talk like you do. And then two more girls will stand up, and they'll be in unison. You say you want no problems, but you talk like you do. And then the whole group pops up. You say you want no problems, but you talk like you do. You talk like you do. You want to get bucked? You want to?

I mean, it is fucking so. I mean, dude, I watch HBCU cheerleaders battle back and forth. Go to my Instagram. Go to my Instagram right now. Go to my Instagram right now. Jared, do you know about these? Yeah. Oh, dude. I mean, and by the way, they all follow me now

because I've been talking about them so much. And my algorithm is littered. It is all it is. Go to my Instagram and go to my stories, and you'll see one of the ones. Go to my stories. And this is...

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I think it's Bowie State, just outside D.C., I think is one of the ones that is... Black people just take something and they make it better. Oh my God. Yeah. Can I tell you something?

We were talking about that on the road, me and Jared. It's like, there's just music. It's just they do everything good. Yeah. Yeah. Music, style, fashion. They've created genres. Kissing.

Kissing. I've only kissed one black chick and it was pretty fucking phenomenal. Yeah. I mean, you know, they just throw some flavor in it. I mean, so this is. Kiss And it was pretty fucking phenomenal. They just throw some flavor in it. Kissing my wife is like licking an envelope. Or scissor lips. So these are

Howard University cheerleaders? I'm telling you right now. They do these things at basketball games where one side is one team and the other side is the other team, and it is a straight-up fucking dance-off. And there is attitude, and there is razzle-dazzle, and there's so much going on that I stopped a woman in a coffee shop in Queens yesterday. I was talking about it, and this woman was overhearing it. And I said, hold on.

And she goes, what is HBCU? I said, Historically Black Colleges and Universities. She goes, oh. Now, we're in New York, so she's like, oh, yes, yes, I support, or whatever. And I go, hold on. Do you know what I'm talking about? She goes, no. And I said, so can I show you what I'm talking about?

And I showed her. I showed her. I think I just showed you on my phone. I showed her this video, and this woman went, oh my God, I want this in my algorithm. Oh, okay, hold on. We'll put it in post. Take a look at this. Don't give up, don't give up.

Don't give up, don't give up. Dare to give up, or to step up and get fucked. Okay, that's one. Look at this, look at this, look at this. Is this, it seems a little borderline illegal for me to be looking at this. No, no. These are college. Okay, cool.

I mean, it's fucking addictive. It gets you hyped up. It gets you hyped up. It gets you hyped up. I wish I had that. I wish I woke up to that. Is that what you... Did you name your special Razzle Dazzle because these girls got Razzle Dazzle?

No. I named it Razzle Dazzle. I try to name specials based on things that come out of my mouth a lot. So Secret Time, I say Secret Time to everyone. Secret Time, Secret Time, Secret Time. I've been saying that my whole, I love telling secrets. I love talking gossip about comedy and us and all that.

So I named Secret Time, Secret Time, and I thought a nice little thing would be to sprinkle in secrets throughout the special, and then that way I could get little – it was a quick way to get jokes. That's cool. Yeah, and then that was Secret Time. Hey, big boys, what my daughters would say to me, and I thought that was a good name for a special. Razzle Dazzle is a phrase that I learned probably like 14 years ago.

I was on Travel Channel. I was working for a show called Trip Flip, and we had this guy on our team named John Burstyn. He was a straight dude. He was our production manager, so he handled all the money. He was a straight dude, but he had a gay affectation. I hope he'll never hear this. But, hey, just throw money at it. Oh, just, you got to make money to spend.

You got to spend money to make money. So our first night of eating dinner was like a group of 11. The lady goes, what can I get you? And she goes, you guys want some appetizers? He goes, oh, just razzle dazzle. She goes, what's that mean? He goes, what do you think it means? Razzle dazzle, honey.

Bring it out. And she brought out the best appetizers. And from that day on, I've said razzle dazzle. Anytime I go to McDonald's, I put $200 down, and I go razzle-dazzle. They go, what does that mean? I go, what do you think it means? What does it mean to you?

Razzle-dazzle. I've said, and I love that energy. I love the energy of being a little outside the box, not giving a fuck. Like, one of the bits is in the special about a raffle, but I'm really big at raffles and auctions. Like, we went to a silent auction not a silent auction but an auction for our school the girls school and the head nun sister donna sat down

next to me and goes i've heard stories of how you do this i want to see it in person and i got and i was like sister donna you ready for a little razzle dazzle and she goes yeah what's that mean i go what do you think it means i go first thing trip to cabo you ever been to cabo she goes no i go ten thousand dollars for cabo and everyone's like ten thousand dollars i go it's what it's worth ten thousand dollars it's all going to a good place and they go what i go sister donna and the nuns are going to cabo she goes wait you sending me to cabo i go you said you wanted to see how it works let's do it i bought three tennis bracelets i went bananas the day first day he worked with me, we did a function. Comedy Gives Back.

Out in L.A. It was a golf tournament. All the comics were out there and some actors. The actors were squares. And they did a raffle at the end of the night. Caroline Ray was hosting it. And at the end of the day, and I'm a little drunk, and I go over to the raffle. I said, how many tickets have you sold?

She tells me. I said, cool. I go, razzle dazzle. She goes, what does that mean? I go, what do you think of me let's do this i go here's uh here's three thousand dollars put me in for the rest she goes you put it i go it's going comics the money goes to comics to help comics pay rent over covid i go yeah five thousand let's do it she's like huh i bought all the fucking tickets and i didn't

tell a fucking soul and i sat there when they called the first prize i go oh i hope i win one of these huh jim jeffries is like, oh, you bought a ticket? I go, a couple. And boom, I won all the fucking prizes. And it was, and by the end, everyone's crying, laughing, except for the actors who were like, what the fuck? I have a bit like that in the special. And then the best is, at the end, they go,

trip to four seasons, and everyone's looking at me. My business manager's there. I text him. I go, price point. And he goes, 10 grand. I said, done. Jim Jefferies goes, all right, 4,000. I go, 5,000.

He goes, I'm out. Ben Bailey goes, 6,000. I go, 650. He goes, it's going this quick. 7,000. I go, 750. He goes, 8,000. I go, $10,000.

Ben goes, $11,000. I go, it's yours. He spent $11,000 on a trip to Maui at the Four Seasons. Razzle Dazzle, Netflix, special, the movie, the machine. When you do the sequel, would it be the machine fights AI and you're like the human machine trying to save humanity? I just wrote the fucking sequel for you. That's number seven.

It's yours. That's seven, okay. I'm going to speak it to the universe. I want to the fucking sequel for you. That's number seven. It's yours. That's seven. Okay. I'm going to speak it to the universe. I'm going to speak it to the universe so everyone hears it and that this happens. I believe in this. My wife believes in it too. Say it out loud.

Speak it to the universe. Manifestation, yeah. Manifestation. I want the machine. The machine is going to have a huge opening weekend. $140 million. I agree. $140 million.

$140 million. And then I'm going to sign up to do Machine 2, 3, and 4. We're going to do four because we'll gang shoot them like Lord of the Rings. Yeah. And I'm done.

I'm done. I'm just doing machine movies. That's it. Like Fast and Furious. I'm doing machine movies. The machine franchise. Oh, dude. And we can go fucking huge.

It's going to be like Rocky. Yeah. We're going to fight the Yakuza. We're going to fight the Yakuza. We're going to fight the Mexican mafia. I'm taking on the Crips and the Bloods. Right. I mean, we're going to franchise this baby. Yes.

And then Aliens is seven. Oh, that's when the AI comes in. AI. Oh, not Aliens. AI. Machines. You got to do the machines. We'll get Lex Friedman in it.

Oh, yeah. He's already in AI. Yeah. Can I play like a Greek restaurant owner or something in there? Just, good to see you again. Something like that. Of course.

Dude, I wouldn't mind fucking with the Greeks. Greek? Yeah. The Greek mafia. Yeah. We go to Athens. Have you performed in Greece?

I have never. I just did. It's awesome. I heard it's great. You know who's telling me about that? Louis? No, not Louis.

Jim Gaffigan told me about that. He went over there. He's like, they all speak English, and they're great, and it's like they love it. And my opening joke was, I'm so fat when I jog my ass hairs tie in a knot, and they went crazy. And I was like, do you guys have a lot of ass hair? And they're like, hey, everybody has ass hairs. I'm not going to accent. Keep going with the ass hairs.

Is this happening in your underarms too i go yeah was it a big turnout too in greece big big theater yeah that's awesome it was all i love greece man and i was not anticipating liking greece because it was such a why european tours are so are basically kept up in scandinavia and uk and then a little bit Amsterdam. I just figured the more south you got, the less English you'd speak. The flight to Greece was fucking six hours.

Wherever we were, passport control was a fucking nightmare. Man, I'm going back. It was that much fun. Man, you would fucking love it. They all speak English. Everyone spoke perfect English. It was that much fun. Man, you would fucking love it. I got to get over it. They all speak English.

Everyone spoke perfect English. It was the day the king died. Oh, it was? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's when we were there. He had just died, and they were having his funeral. And so it was crazy.

It was gorgeous. I love Greece. Yeah, Greece is great. Well, guys, go. The Machine's May 25th, right right there's pre-sale like you said the machine dot movie you can pre-sell and buy your tickets and and i and i say this i put this in the universe but i do believe if the machine does well you will start seeing all your favorite comics making movies absolutely because that's all you need is just one. Just one to convince Hollywood and then all of a sudden, I mean, I'm not even joking,

you'll see Tim Dillon will have a movie, I actually can guarantee that. Me and Tom will do Fat Astronauts, that's already kind of in the works. And you'll just start seeing people being able to make movies because you can do it at a low price point for a comic, our brains are so different than theirs. And we provide such a valuable insight. I'll give you a small example. On my movie, the opening scene takes place on a set. They built it.

So we shoot it, and then I go, I mean, I rewrote it that night. And I was like, it should be hard. Indies come in hard. It's got to be really hard. So I rewrote it that night and I was like, it should be hard. It needs to come in hard. It's got to be really hard. So I rewrote it, gave it to the director. I go, can we just do that as an option? And he was like, let's just do that.

I like that better. And I was like, fucking great. And so then I go, I get done. We had done the scene and I go, hold on one second. Are we just done done? And he was like, yeah.

I go, can you just leave the cameras up and then let's just shoot one more scene maybe for the end of the movie or in the middle of the movie like let's just use this set let's milk this set and get it again and they're like what do you mean i go like if we start here wouldn't be cool if we ended here or maybe maybe something like that and they're like i yeah i guess and i go okay let's shoot an ending in the movie and so we did and they fucking used it and so you like, and our brains work like that. Right, right. We're sitting in a former living room kitchen making a show that has a huge income profit

based off of this. I mean, this is how our brains work. You're right, yeah. Our brains are like, hey man, we've got our investment, now let's just make money. Put us in a movie set and if they said to you $10 million,

can you make a movie? You'd be like, easy, easy, easy. $5 million, easy. We spent $30 million on the machine. And I mean, there's parts you're never going to get away from with that. But like our brains, we at one point, me and Tom almost signed a fucking 10 picture deal. Because they were like, you like you guys can you guys should be like cranking these out like you can have like a movie come out every fucking year

for the next 10 years and because your our comics were creative as fuck we are we are hard fucking workers we are would love the opportunity we're all like give us a chance so i think if the machine does well from my mouth to god's ears we will all be doing movies for the next. We're all like, give us a chance. So I think if the machine does well, from my mouth to God's ears, we will all be doing movies for the next 20 years. We all have an investment in this movie doing well. I see what you're saying, and I like it. All it takes is one. Maybe this is what's coming next, is comedians just fucking making movies the way.

And you're right. Look at what we've done with nothing. We've created these podcasts. They're all profitable. People love them. Dude, we are bigger. We create our own acts. We do it all. We market ourselves. We do these podcasts. They're all profitable. People love them. Dude, we are bigger. We create our own acts. We do it all.

We market ourselves. We do fucking everything. We do. Dude, they've let me market the shit out of this fucking movie. And you know you're doing. It was on a fucking, it was on a shelf. And I leaked it on Rogan. And then it got picked up by Sony.

And then they were like, hey, do you want to make an announce video for it? I was like, fuck yeah. I post it. It goes viral. It's like, dude that they are seeing this on such a micro level right now that the second that the second this does well they're gonna go and here's the other thing we've got authentic voices that are not being represented in movies right now every i don't know if you've noticed this every fucking movie that just came out, guess what the occupation of the guy

that is in the lead is? A fucking podcaster. Jonah Hill, you people, podcaster. And they're all fucking podcasters. They're all goddamn fucking, to one that B.J. Novak just made, where he has to, What's it called?

B.J. Novak? Yeah, he just did a movie. He's a podcaster in it. His goal is to be a podcaster. Novak just made where he has to... What's it called? BJ Novak? Yeah. He just did a movie. He's a podcaster in it. His goal is to be a podcaster. They're making movies about people hoping they have an authentic voice when the authentic voice is right fucking here. No shade on BJ Novak.

It's a great fucking movie. It's a great fucking movie. I wish I could remember the name of it. It's a great fucking movie. Have you seen it? No, I haven't. It's a great fucking movie. It is a gangster fucking movie.

What's the name of it? Vengeance. He's a podcaster. They're all podcasters. Every lead's a goddamn podcaster. Does that clock not move? No, that doesn't move. That's so funny. I'm like, God damn it, am I high? I'm standing still.

It is 11.42 in the morning. I'm so bad. I didn't even look at the time. I'm telling you. I'm only here, it is 11.42 in the morning. I'm so bad. I didn't even look at the time. But I'm telling you. I'm only here one day a week. Imagine. Look, I'll use Nia Vardalos as an example.

She was a brilliant talent with an authentic voice. And that is when they were allowing that to happen. They were making indie films and giving authentic voices to people. How much fun. Let's not use us, Andrew Schultz. If they give him $20 million to make a movie, how fucking hard

do you think you're gonna laugh? You're literally, there will be moments where you grab each other's chest like, the fuck are they doing? What the fuck are they doing? Because that's his sensibility.

The only thing is if you gave him $20 million, I would be scared that he wouldn't make the movie and he'd just start a pack for a presidential campaign. Yeah. That's the only thing. He might be president.

I think he could take over a country with $20 million. Yeah. He's a unique fucking he's like you man just unique dude. Unique fucking guy. Make it happen.

You're right. Comedians make it happen. Schultz made it happen. Just creative. Dude, look at us. Look at what we did with specials, right? We, when I started this, when I started in this business, 2009, I got a special. I got paid 10 grand and went on Comedy Central.

That's how it was done. 10 grand. Comedy Central. They aired it once. And then. Was that the hour? It was an hour. It was an hour.

It was called Comfortably Dumb. No one's ever seen it. No, it's now sitting. Yeah, Comedy Central is a great place to hide your special. Yeah. If you want to hide it. Yeah, that's how it was done. That's how it worked.

And then all of a sudden, we were all like, huh? And then fucking Netflix shows up. We all start putting out Netflix festivals. And then guys like you and Schultz are like, wait, fuck that. I'm not waiting for somebody. I'll make my own special. And now the game has changed so much that, dude, I really honestly don't know. I'm sure my special is probably competing with fucking Sam Morrell's special that he just released.

I guarantee you that's the way the game is, is the bars, the fields even. I mean, Netflix used to be the destination for specials. We just said, fuck it, let's do our own thing. Moment House, YouTube, Nate Bargossi's on Amazon. It's a fucking, and that's going to happen with movies. That's going to fucking happen with movies. It'll happen with sitcoms first. Yeah, you know, I've never heard it put like,

but that's probably what's coming next. You're probably right, yeah. You're probably right. And Machine is ushering it in. Let's go. I hope so, I hope so. what's coming next. You're probably right. Yeah. You're probably right. And it's, and Machine is ushering it in. Let's go. I hope so. I hope so.

It's the Trojan horse. It's going right into your asshole. Dude, I am the finger before the dick. You're the finger before the dick going in the asshole. Yeah. Going in the, well,

I'm going to do the front hole, but yeah, I'll do the back hole too. Obviously, Bird Crash, thanks for coming. I love you, brother. Yeah,

I love you too. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. This is funny shit. This was great, man. Thank you. Thanks for coming i love you brother yeah i love you thank you so much i appreciate this is funny shit this was great man thank you thanks for coming fuck yeah what's up everybody want to give a shout out to jared harvard's favorite sneaky beverage brooklyn cannery.com brooklyncannery.com yannis pappas all one word for 15% off your order. Go get these healthy sodas. Healthier. Healthier. Healthier. Go get them.

Spring is coming up. Summer is coming up. You're going to have these outdoor barbecues. Get them for that time. If you like soda, get rid of the high fructose stuff. Go with this all natural sweeteners and prebiotic. It's the best. They're delicious.

Also, we want to give a shout out to Nate Linder, our favorite social media manager. natelinder.com. He will help your business rank number one on Google. He will help you build your brand. He will help you profit from social media and much more. Online sales, whatever it is, Nate Linder is killing it. Go to natelinder.com and let him get a free console from him, I think. That's the deal.

All you got to do is click and go viral. That's it. Chrissy Minetti. Chris Minetti out there. He just likes to check in once in a while. You want to get a check cash, you call Chris at 215-750-3730. Simple as that. Simple as that.

He'll meet you at a Wawa. Do it in a hushed tone. Yes. Then we got Aaron Lee for the free dot art. This is music in Hawaii. They list shows. They tell you about bands. It's a really great website to just peruse.

So go check out for the free dot art. If you're going to Hawaii, definitely go find out about events in Hawaii. Manlygirly.com. Now, I guess these kids, their podcast's on the run? Because now they're in North Carolina. They're in North Carolina. They're in North Carolina. They were in Miami. They came to our shows in Miami.

Yeah. So they were located in Miami. Now they're in North Carolina. And they're very supportive. So they have four hilarious podcasts you guys should check out. Gringo and the Rough, A Side of Fries, Casa de Thinking, and The Manly Girly Show. It's thought-provoking and an unscripted comedy

with Artie and the the boys and their interesting friends. So check it out, their website or on YouTube, manlygirly.com. Then we got, of course, exclusiveautoshipping.com. If you're buying a car out of state or if you're moving, give them a call. You'll get a free quote, military and student discount supply, exclusiveautoshipping.com. Keep that mileage down. Keep it down, Jared.

Keep it down. And then, okay, so this is fun. This is the girl who's a piece, right? She's a little bit of a piece. Sam Gubera. Sam Gubera, you are para Roma. Let me just say, so we tried to narrow it down a little bit, and she still gave us a paragraph.

But I want to read it verbatim here. Are you an equestrian, or more likely is your girlfriend an equestrian? The chances of that, I hate to say, what's her name? Sam. Sam, I hate to say, the chances are about.7%

that you're with someone who is an equestrian. I don't know how big of a market that is. Does your girlfriend ride fucking horses? Hell no. I don't know how big of a market that is. Does your girlfriend ride fucking horses? Hell no. I don't know if I've ever met a girl who rides horses. But if you happen to be in horse country and you listen to this podcast and you or your girlfriend have a horse,

if you come from a multi-million dollar family who owns the color yellow and you have a horse farm, if you're Georgina Bloomberg, if you're Mike Bloomberg's daughter who's a professional horse rider and you're listening to this, this ad is for you. Are you constantly having problems with your horse

that leaves you drowning in a sea of obscene vet pills? This one is worth the comedy. No more of that shit. Okay? An estimated 80% of equine lameness. What the fuck does that mean? I'm trying to fucking do a commercial for you here. Nobody knows what equine, what does that mean, equine? Yeah.

Equestrian, right? So how about this one? An estimated 80% of horse lameness is hoof related. I don't know. You got to, I'm happy to do these reads for you, but you've got to work on the reads. Typically caused by their inadequate farrier costing than more money in the long run.

You need a farrier with new fuel. You know what? We've got to go on a date. Don't tell my wife. And then you can explain to me what your business is so I can better sell it. You could go horseback riding. We'll go horseback riding.

You need a farrier with no fumes and over 10 years of experience. If you're in the Nashville area, okay, so first, if you're from Nashville, you're a big Nate Bargatze comedy fan. You also probably have a horse. You also probably are at the very least apprehensive around African Americans because they're from Nashville. True.

And if you have a horse, those two things usually go hand in hand. Hand in hand. So, if you're in Nashville and ready to have more money in your wallet and a horse girlfriend without the horse problems, that's a good line. And a horse girlfriend without the horse problems. Kohler Tech, Sam's Farrier Service.

So, Sam has a farrier service here and she'll save you a lot of money on vet bills. Very simple. This is the number you call. 864-200-9007. And if her mom picks up, just say, can I speak to Sam? Or visit sporthorsefarrier.com for more info. See, I know you think it was a bad read, but these are the ones people tune in for. They're going to remember Sam and her fucking horse farrier business.

This is why I do this. For fun businesses like this. So it's sporthorsefarrier.com. And just call her. She's a fucking piece. Go, Sam. Yeah, what else we got? Okay, now we got displaypros.net. These guys actually got something cool here, right?

So they are the real deal when it comes to custom trade show booths, retail fixtures, and promotional items. What sets them apart from the competition is what Jesse's asking, and I'll answer. Well, first of all, their fast turnaround is unbeatable, Jess. You need a custom display in a hurry? Well, guess what? They've got you covered.

And when it comes to design, they offer a completely free professional service that will blow your mind. So go to displaypros.net, guess what? They've got you covered. And when it comes to design, they offer a completely free professional service that'll blow your mind. So go to displaypros.net. Okay? You can expect excellent customer service. Use the code WHATSTHEDEALIS with the T. WHATSTHEDEALIS for 10% off your first purchase at displaypros.net. Like we said this last week.

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All right. This kid wrote a novel. All right. He wrote a freaking novel. Literally. It's about an aging crime load and his fall from grace in a dystopian megacity. It's a graphic novel. It's a graphic novel.

Here's a brief summary. Wars in the air once again in organized crime syndicates of the inner and outer cities clash to fight for power and vengeance. Jericho, an aging ex-militia general that kept the peace of the city, finds that the heroic feats are long forgotten, while Kay, a charismatic leader from the slums, rises to seek revenge. As guerrilla warfare ignites and unimaginable terror blazes through the city, Jericho begins to realize that it may not be as simple as it used to be. It's free to read online at sarazard.com. S-E-R-A-Z-A-R-D.com.

Yes, but you can purchase physical print issues if you want to support him and his team. You can purchase them. And follow the Instagram handle, The City Graphic Novel. Currently, they have two chapters online, but three will be uploaded shortly. Go support this kid's novel. Maybe it's amazing. Yeah.

I mean, people, you got to do something different now. Just scrolling on videos has lost its luster. Go read the kid's novel that the kids novel that Burke Rager will turn into a movie