Yannis Pappas Hour - Foosball Royalty (with Kelsey Cook) - LongDays with Yannis Pappas - Episode 29

Episode Date: July 18, 2021

Yanni sits down with hilarious comedian Kelsey Cook to talk the esoteric sports world she grew up in and inherited. Kelsey gives us a long day. Enjoy and follow her on socials, fam!   Follow Kelsey Cook: https://instagram.com/kelseycookcomedy?utm_medium=copy_link   Keeps: https://try.keeps.com/keep-your-hair-fmf?utm_campaign=son-longdays-yannis-pappas&utm_medium=audio&utm_source=podcast PROMO CODE: FUMES   Box of awesome: https://www.bespokepost.com/start?b=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=brand-BOA&utm_content=bespoke-post-test1&utm_term=box%20of%20awesome&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpLu7x53r8QIVBPjICh3wowFtEAAYASAAEgJf1vD_BwE PROMOCODE: FUMES   Hello Fresh: https://www.hellofresh.com Promo code: longdays14   For an additional bonus episode every week and more Yantent, click here and support the show: https://www.patreon.com/yannilongdays   The show goes out every Saturday at 9 PM est. to youtube and podcast audio platforms but while it's being recorded the show goes LIVE on Yannis' Instagram!   Come join in on the LONG DAY & Follow Yannis Pappas   Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/yannispappas/ Twitter - https://twitter.com/yannispappas Website - https://www.yannispappascomedy.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of Long Days with me. You know my name because it's in the title. If you don't, you need help. And I can't provide it. I am doing another conversation episode. I guess you call them interview episode, conversation episode, podcast, with a very, very funny comedian. Somebody is ringing the bell

to try to get in the door to steal packages. I got an alert. So just let them in. Go ahead, let them in. Let them get some Amazon packages. I feel like Santa Claus today. What happens is they come in, they ring all the bells,

and then if anyone lets them in, they just steal all the packages in the lobby. I just got a notice about it. So, yeah, you know, I'm feeling like I want to be an accomplice to a crime today. This isn't my full-time spot anymore, so just let them have some packages. Let's let it happen, yeah. Kelsey Cook, absolutely hilarious. And she's, like, multi-talented in a way that like you never meet anyone ever who tells you that they come from a family of professional oddball sports really yeah yeah your mom is a

professional foosball player and your dad's a professional yo-yo yeah there's also my parents met playing in a professional foosball tournament in the 80s so they both like foosball is the foundation for my life right i literally wouldn't exist without it which is so sad how did yeah was he was she the first guy he spoke to uh and was he the first like was she the first girl they were like virgins yeah just like coming out of a a basement yeah because it takes a lot of commitment to get good at foosball it does first of all yeah most people don't do that sport sober truly that's not one you roll up and you take seriously nobody ever rolls into a bar and goes like starts playing and going

like you know what this is this is what i'm gonna do there's precision focus like that is never part of it it's just people ripping the rods up and spinning and being maniacs yeah but there's a it's a really really intricate sport yeah i don't know if there'll ever be like a color of money movie about foosball that would be really funny though like there is well there's a movie that came out called long shot a long time ago um and then a really great documentary that i'm actually in with my mom called Foosballers. You can get on iTunes. But it's fantastic. It came out like a year ago.

It was in theaters for a little bit. It was fun. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Did you get a little bump from that? Oh, no. That's what the comics always say.

Did you get a little bump? A little bump. A little foosball bump. Yeah, you got a little foosball bump. I mean, when I say theaters like you know like the independent artsy it wasn't like amcs across america right it was uh yeah it was really cool so that's out there it's a great um if you're interested in learning more about foosball and the history of it and what's happening in the foosball world now it's really cool yeah i mean for that for that not

niche for that very popular market of people out there. You can either go see the Fast and the Furious or check this documentary about foosball players. Now, I would imagine that if you're a professional foosball player, I'm not implying anything with this. Reigning pussy. Is that what you're going to say? Well, that's, yeah. Reigning pussy one.

For your dad, it was reigning pussy, singular. Is dad it was reigning puse singular he's like what's up babe i really like your wrist action yeah the strong wrist i'm a little frightened and a little turned on did uh did he beat her or did she beat him the first time i don't know i've never asked i mean they're divorced now i wasn't like you can't base you can't base a relationship on people. Do they see each other at tournaments anymore? Is he just full-time yo-yo? No. You know, so my dad is a, he's a professional trumpet player for a living. And I see that. He does like Missy Ellie. He does like hardcore hip hop stuff, which is so nice. Trumpet Tuesdays on her Instagram. Yeah. At Kelsey Cook Comedy. I just started doing that with my dad in the last year because he his symphony

job got sidelined until like I think September of this year so I could I mean he just wanted to play and I've always wondered if he could listen to hip-hop songs that I played him and then just do it by ear and he did so we threw this video with like DMX songs and Jay-Z and people lost their shit and so then we just have kept doing it and it's so fun. It's been great. Yeah. What was that like growing up with a father who was a professional yo-yo or with like your,

were your friends always being like, he was, he getting a little more attention to you because he was showing your friends tricks and you're like, Hey guys, I can play foosball. They like, yeah,

we can't even reach the table. I don't even, I can't even see what's going on. Were you like on phone books when you were, cause you've been playing your whole life. I've been playing my whole life. So were you on like phone books with adults, like being adults?

They used to stand me on stools. Or like back in, you remember the 80s, those exercise, like where you would step up? I remember AIDS and crack and the Russian scare from the 80s. I don't remember that. But I'm going to take your word for it because you're the only professional foosball player I know who's a prodigy you're like the tiger woods of foosball

i know i really comedy derailed a promising foosball fucking career these god knows a lot of money in foosball i know you know like the top player in the world, he does do foosball full-time, but he lives in an RV and travels around to the different tournaments. So he lives in his car, is what you're saying? That's a fancy way of saying he lives in his car. I don't know, but he's sponsored. I don't know where he's at income-wise, but I do think it's so incredible that he is able to do it. He can afford an RV.

I mean, that's pretty, yeah. Regardless of income, that is a pretty cool life. You're like, I do this for a living. he is able to do it he can afford an rv i mean that's pretty that's pretty yeah regardless of income that is a pretty cool life that you're like i i do this for a living i play foosball for a living that's how good i am at it like i think that's pretty awesome that he does that how many shows have you pitched with foosball in it well i've got the web series risk of fury on youtube which is a great this is all things comedy. All things comedy. Her web series is where she just invites someone on and beats the shit out of them

in foosball. I've turned into one where it was like the former heartthrob guy. Freddie Prinze Jr.? Freddie Prinze Jr. Yeah. Who, by the way,

I mean, he looks like Freddie Prinze Jr.'s dad now because I always just picture him as Freddie Prinze Jr. Right. And I was a little alarmed to see him with some gray hair.

The salt and pepper, yeah. you gotta just kill guys like that. You can't let heartthrobs grow old. Can't do that. You know what I mean? I used to look at Freddie Prince and be like, God, I wish I looked like that. And now I look, I'm like, he looks like a guy. He just looks like a fucking normal guy.

He's such a lovely man. I think he will always be heartthrob in my generation's hearts, you know? What are you, 21, 22? I just know how to throw a compliment out there. I'm like, you can't. I will just walk out and be so happy for the rest of the day. That's the nicest thing you could say.

There is, yeah. Well, that's not Freddie Prinze Jr., Jess. You could tell someone didn't grow up on Teen Beat. Oh, that's Drew? Yeah, well, you could tell Drew. We think he's a Jersey's finest. Yeah, he just pulled up Chad Daniels. Yeah, now he's pulling up a black dude.

Teen Del Rey. If it's not Jake Paul, he doesn't know who it is. All he had to do was put Freddie Prinze Jr. in there, the son of a very hilarious comedian who like a lot of comedians died early right uh freddie prince senior right um chico and the man yeah top left so that's that's the one one of the ones i saw you beat up dan soda too has anyone scored a goal on you in foosball on that show people have scored goals on me nobody's um beat me yet. It's been 23 episodes. So what happens is we'll do three rounds.

We'll play the first game or first round normally. And then the middle round, we'll do things to handicap me. So I'll have to play like in handcuffs with my hands behind my back or like blindfolded or with my arms crossed and standing on one leg. We've had to do all sorts of weird shit. So there have been a few people who have um beat me in the middle round like steve rinazzisi beat me in the middle round i think chad daniels beat me in the middle round because sometimes i'll say okay you guys can score on either goal right so if they can just scoot it backward then they get a point i love steve rinazzisi very funny dude that's one of

my favorite i think that's my favorite episode he's a great dude and he's also a 9-11 survivor so that is absolutely yeah absolutely but i do i actually do love him he's a he's a funny dude and uh i gotta check that episode out now let me tell you something if i played you in foosball on this show and one of the rounds you were blindfolded i'm gonna take the ball and throw it in the fucking ball did anyone try that i think preacher did that yeah preacher did do that i mean i'm just gonna clank around with one hand and take the other one and just put it in there yep i'm pretty sure that's what he did that's what i do with golf i just like i don't have the patience for those we were talking before the child just walk it up and drop it in you're like let him do it it's fine it's just me and a baby on the course just like daddy in the hole oh yeah because i'm like we were talking before

the episode yeah about chipper stuff and uh yeah we were it was a really light-hearted oh yeah we were really warm we were doing like the improv zip zap zzo's we're getting ready for comedy yeah yes yeah but um i'm like an annoying new yorker and we are like uh i can't do any sport that requires non-movement or like patience so right foosball i like foosball because it's high-powered action yes and you don't have to be an athlete to play which is also great no oh man some dudes yeah roll in i have like at least 300 pounds just like sweat band wristband and they just rip that shit i mean it's yeah cardio not really you don't need it you got to be able to stand yeah or if your child do one of those things from the 80s to prop you up yeah what was where it's

the aerobic steps how they had those old videos where you'd have to like walk up and then walk back so my parents would stand me on those when i was like two oh so they've been i mean my whole life they've been so one of your parents yeah one of your parents they've been training me tiger mom foosball edition seriously there's a I posted a thing for, yeah, that. That thing, so one of your parents was working out the Suzanne Somers tapes. Yes, absolutely. My dad, no. On Instagram for Mother's Day, I posted a series of photos,

and there's so many of me with my mom showing me how to play when I'm like two and then six and then 10 and going to tournaments and stuff. So are you still competing? and six and then 10 and going to tournaments and stuff. Yeah. So how are you still competing? Well, COVID really destroyed the foosball, uh, the foosball market because nothing is germier than foosball COVID or no COVID. But like, didn't you could do the tournament during COVID and wouldn't it kind of feel the same? Cause the audience would be kind of light either way. Not a lot of foot traffic walking through but you know what's funny so i think the best people watching you can do is at a foosball tournament in vegas because i mean

it's vegas already right but like if you go to a professional foosball tournament in a ballroom of a hotel it is like so many layers out of reality to be in there watching people because we all take it so seriously for like five straight days you see people just like getting pissed people like on coke people just like drunk by 11 and it's it's just a wild time to go watch yeah so it's good it's good people watching but um but that's kind of like the that would be more the milieu is the environment of a foosball i've never seen foosball where there wasn't a beer on the foosball table right so that i found out through you you're the only reason i know that there is like serious foosball that's like finding out there's like a darts like professional darters there are like uh fucking uh what's the game you graduated with beer that's finding out there's like pro beer pong oh

everything and most of the time especially at the yearly um vegas tournament you go into a hotel and it will be ballroom next to ballroom next to and each one is a different tournament going on so there's like air hockey or you know pool or whatever but whatever you can think of there's usually a professional version of it yeah and in america we need all the jobs we can get so that we now do we crush it in that or is that and that's what that's what i was going to say before when i got sidetracked but i was going to say not the puss not it's random puss sure but i was going to say at some point i would figure you would have to compete against an Asian. They just rock those sports. Yeah, you know, Canadians are really good.

Really, really good foosball players up in Canada. But it's very popular. Oh, because it's indoor, like indoor areas. Sure, yeah. Russians, are Russians in there? Finnish? Mostly. Did you have an affair with a guy named Sven at some point

who was like a northern norwegian they have the uh the world cup in not france and every so there's so many countries that are represented because each country has a different style of foosball table so you have to play a match on your home table and then you have to play a match on theirs so there's i mean it's it's really an international sport yeah it's everywhere so it's like tennis like where there's different surfaces like the different yeah okay so what he has pulled up so um certain first of all very white sport right very caucasian no asians then so deeply caucasian um but so certain even here in the u.s um tornado tables and warrior tables are kind of the top two but they are made differently so typically on a tornado table there

are three men on your back bar whereas on a warrior there's only one and then it's the curved edges uh and then if you go to europe it's there's different speeds. Some of the balls are lighter. Some of the men are built differently with thinner toes, and it's pretty crazy. So do you have to practice on different types of games? So when people compete at the World Cup, they have to spend time, yeah,

practicing on every table there is. And yo, a couple of those pictures, I'm just telling the people who are watching this right now, that was an audience. I saw an audience there. Yeah. I mean, it was packed.

So like, have you felt, I mean, look at that dog. That looks like a Trump rally. I mean, there's people there, man. So like, would you, did you have a nickname like Killer Kells or like? No nickname. No, no nickname.

But yeah, at the bigger tournaments even in the u.s there's a an area called um the pits where they have the championship matches held for each event because there's lots of different events there's like singles doubles mixed doubles where it's a man and a woman playing together um and people will there's there's stands of people that will go watch the championship game so that's always exciting when you're playing and you've got a crowd of people do you ever get a pop when like you score a goal have you ever been in a tight match and like the crowd went crazy yeah it's exciting there are a few you can actually watch like some of my matches from tournaments

on youtube because they will upload them there they do like high high res streaming of the games and i always choke in the finals i've gotten second in women's singles like three years in a row i'm so pissed i'm sorry to cut you off but they're why would they separate that sport by sex well you know now let's get into it now i have an issue where you are yeah i have a fucking issue this why is that not a unisex sport it doesn't require um like you like how like what's the difference in rift strength so there are i mean there are open singles events where either gender any gender whatever can go uh play in it but they do also have ones that are just for women um i don't i mean i could i could bulk up if i wanted to i don't want to bulk up but i'm telling you like some of these guys are strong massive massive and will shoot the ball

so hard that it comes back out of the goal got it so it does play a role it there's a strength factor to it the harder you hit it the faster the ball goes yeah yeah i mean there is i think a strength factor to it i i would imagine when you compete in another you've had to compete against your mom we're going to talk about that real quick oh yeah i mean we're not going to make this all foosball although the fans are clamoring for that i'm sure they are people are like oh my god but i would imagine when you compete against a woman two women competing and you win and you shake hands there's a little bit more going on there like guys shake hands it's kind of like defeated they're upset but it's kind of like but

women there's like have you ever like it's a spiciness to it yeah there's a spiciness to it yeah i women just they cut a little deeper so of like have you ever won like a close match against another highly ranked uh foosball opponent and then like there was like a cow head in your bed when you left or something like revenge or did somebody fuck your boyfriend or i mean it doesn't i don't i don't think you guys would take the losses that easy i feel like there's a little bit more more space needed sometimes where like you just like don't want to you like don't want to talk yeah you like kind of five minutes hi good game you that was really good that was really good that was really good you're

really good you know if it was yeah thank you you're great love your shoes too love those shoes do you always play do you always play who's female foosball could be my most it could become my one of my favorite female sports but the one that i really love is watching women try to destroy each other with false compliments that should be in the olympics nice purse oh that's i love you and then the fucking you know you know what i'm talking about true so you've had to compete with your mom yeah i have that's tough when you walk in and you see your mom and you guys are chalking i imagine you're chalking up you're stretching we don't we don't chalk up in foosball but you do people either wear a foosball grip glove or what's more common is um what's on tennis racket handles

so you can buy those at sporting goods stores and then you bring them yourself you can buy them at the tournament but you wrap the wooden handles or the plastic handles with that so you have grip is there injuries in foosball like does anyone ever yeah i mean um there's a really popular shot called the rollover shot or snake shot where people rest the handle on the inside of their wrist and they work the ball around and when they're ready to hit they roll up and catch the the handle before it goes more than a 360 and people if they do that shot over and over i've seen people rip the skin open wow yeah it's just over and over and over i mean i my arm is like i can't move my arm by the end of a tournament

yeah you're gonna you're just doing this for hours yeah you you you may be a prime candidate for uh late-term arthritis at some point there's a lot of yeah yeah your forearms are probably jacked though like i mean i've got like four more years of handjobs in me, and then we're done, man. Yeah, I can imagine. You guys would be like, take it. Jesus Christ. I used to have a joke about that with my ex-husband,

the idea of having a scary handjob, like a nom flashback or something to an intense tournament where you just start going in. It's like, Jesus, you know like i mean rug burn have you uh have you ever dated a foosball player no no you keep business and pleasure okay but you have dated a comic you made that mistake i did not not a mistake but yes i i did it's hard not to date comics hard not to because like we're the only ones who get this type of mental illness. It's such a specific thing.

And you have to kind of commit yourself to try to be normal. When you're with a normal person, you got to kind of try to listen to what they're saying. And that's a big one. And not pay attention to what you're observing. You got to be like, okay, I'm listening. Yeah, we're going to do some boring stuff tomorrow. Okay, I'm going to do that. Yeah.

But then with the comic thing that can cause some issues too i dated a comic for a little while as well oh really okay but your wife is not my wife is not a comic okay and you find that that combo works better for you for me yeah i mean there's not many couples that make it i mean there's rich and bonnie right christine and tom christine and tom um christine and tom rich and bonnie natasha and mosha natasha and mosha yeah um but they're like that's a lesbian couple no i'm just kidding i'm joking mosha i love you um who else is there i think that's i mean in terms of you and your ex notable yeah yeah yep uh so you found it okay you found it okay to date a comic yeah i mean there there's

pros and cons to both sides of that right like we were saying there's you're dating a dental hygienist you know it's like there's a fucking bummer sometimes yeah once you run out of material you're like i've got enough out of this right but then when you're you're dating a comedian then you know you do encounter encounter potentially that competition aspect. And that's not as fun. So there's pros and cons to both. Yeah. I guess one of the pros is that when your husband or boyfriend or whatever hears the joke about his, like, horrible sex, he takes it a little better when he's a comic.

Whereas a normal person, yeah, a normal person goes and they're like, hey, what the fuck? You just told a room full of hundreds of people that got a small dick. But you love me anyway? Whereas a comic's like, that was a good one. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's, I think that is a fun aspect of it.

Especially if you're on the road together that you can both do jokes about each other. Right. And it's like you know everything's okay yeah now you're from spokane you told me before yeah and i didn't know where you were from but i was guessing it was white i was guessing it was very just white you look like a wisconsin or a washington white there's a breed of white that i knew you were like you yeah if you were like nah dude i'm from queens i'm from flushing i'd be like i'm not let me check your papers let me see your papers because

you have that like you have that kind of midwest or i guess west kind of white did you like when you left spokane were you like when you saw other people you're like whoa it was like a gradual so i was uh you know born and raised in spokane went to college over there and then i went to seattle for about four years after i was in that uh comedy scene and then to la and then on the road with norton and you know i always joke like his crowds are just such godless animals so that was another weird social experiment of life for three years is like you're consistently performing for the same group of people and it but it was so fun i loved knowing that wherever we went they were his uh his people and there's just like the least pc people left on the planet and you could say

anything and nobody's getting tied butthole no not a norton no no does it was that how you started was like because i remember seeing you i guess the internet, like with him and like, yeah, that was, he's like my, my comedy fairy godmother. He, uh, he made it possible for me to do comedy full time. Right. So yeah. Which is such a rare, I mean, not all headliners take somebody on the road consistently with them and not all headliners are in a position or even want to pay for their way.

And he, yeah, he, he paid for, for my for my airfare my hotel and then i would get paid for the shows and um for a young comic that's the dream that you get to leave your day job that you hate and go do what you love for a living so yeah absolutely i had a similar thing with donnell rawlings he kind of took me out and it's nice that you get to see like at the beginning you get to see oh this can be something this can be a career and uh because a lot of times a lot of people just lost an open mic and you're going like how do i get out of this but oh my god yeah at least get to visualize and go like oh i can get to that and that this is viable and i can go on the road and perform for animals animals so that was three years of that and then it's been headlining the

last maybe three four years um after that but yeah and you're really funny oh thank you yeah like uh thanks very funny i watched um a few sets and then i watched uh the the most recent one i watched was the um the sing the uh what's her oh lily sing lily sing show that was a good set thank you yeah nice set thank you yeah good set it was uh fun to say gaping butthole on NBC. I mean, Jesus, I never thought I'd get to say that on there. Did they leave that or was that just on the internet? Yeah, because it was such a late, late, late airing. I think it comes on at midnight or something.

When I did the Tonight Show, it was like you had to be so squeaky, so squeaky clean. And so it was a very different experience to so squeaky so squeaky clean and so it was a very uh different experience to go say yeah say gaping butthole and whatever yeah you do the tonight show squeaky clean but if you hang out with Jimmy Fallon afterwards drinking not squeaky clean not squeaky clean no squeaky clean that's my bonus episodes just called squeaky okay yeah um it is uh it's interesting because she went lily singh went from the internet where she was like massive yeah and she got the show a lot of her fans got upset because she went to the show right because they loved her on the internet um we're dealing with that now as comics going like yeah i gotta build my thing congratulations on 300 000 tiktok

followers oh 400 000 now 400 work are you fucking are you hitting the wall or are you just doing jokes on there i saw you live once i snuck into one of your lives yeah oh that makes me want to unzip my skin and crawl out of it that you were just talking i think guys you're telling you were being appreciative of your followers. Yeah. Which is important now to build your audience and do all that stuff. It is. And you also have a podcast with Taylor Tomlinson.

And Delaney Fisher. And Delaney Fisher, who took herself off social. Right. Yeah. Completely off. Yeah. Why'd she do that? I don't want to put you on the spot.

Oh, no. It's okay. Did she break Facebook's policy? No. Did she suggest that COVID might have came from a lab and they just fucking nix it like sorry guys yeah no she just was like it's um it's causing more uh like stress than i want and she she transitioned out of doing stand-up comedy and into she's like a full-time sorry this thing just exploded in my mouth oh that's okay yeah sorry about that yeah i was doing it for so long uh my wife caught me smoking cigarettes so now i'm back to swedish snooze yeah you know you get caught when you just get a picture

of her holding the cigarettes i left them in her jeep and i was like all right i'll quit but i gotta i gotta do this way i gotta have tobacco explode in my mouth while i'm on a podcast oh does it like taste like shit yeah no it's bad no it's not good it's not good but you know i'm a trooper just like what a foosball player has carpal tunnel i'll fucking muscle through this guys we're brought to you this week by one of my favorite sponsors keeps Keeps. A lot of people have been saying, Yanni, your hair is looking like you were on Charlie's Angels in the 1980s. How do you have such a full head of hair? It's all about prevention. I use Keeps. It's unbelievable. Here's the thing about hair consultations. You have to go in. It's a little embarrassing. The great thing about Keeps,

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Your first box is 20% off with the promo code FUMES. Go get awesome with Box of Awesome. Sorry. No, it's okay. She transitioned out of being a stand-up comic and became like a full-time creative consultant business coach. So she didn't really need social media that same way anymore. And I mean mean she's

living her best life she's very happy that is so healthy i know can you imagine no when people tell me they quit i'm like congratulations like yeah there's a there's a normalcy that you're going to achieve that we don't get to achieve because we got to be in kalamazoo for five and a sunday where we get ripped off on the bonuses we're getting hip to that club owners i'm getting fucking hip to that the more we grow our own audiences we want fucking door deals none of this fucking bonus shit where you go hi we had to give a lot of comps away you know anyway but you're growing your you're growing your uh social media presence big time and do you see that on the road do you get that bump you get a tiktok bump are there a bunch of kids showing up like what's going on

i'm just is this is this brought to you by bang energy drink it's hard to know i'm like are the of these 400 000 how many of these are 12 year olds right you know i don't know but i'm just now starting to get the touring back up and running and so some it depends on the market some areas i've sold out and then some it's like fine but yeah we'll see hopefully i can keep growing stuff and were you used to the road for because of foosball was it kind of like a easier transition for you yeah i didn't i mean when i was sorry that's just brooklyn it's okay We love it. A little Brooklyn flavor. It's just, that's what you call Puerto Ricans driving by. So they just, the music is loud sometimes.

Yeah. A little reggae tone break. Just a little jam set. Yeah. I imagine where you live, just a little, maybe you hear a little Bob Seger once in a while. Oh, my uncle's driving in. My dad on the trumpet with DMX. It's a very, it's a different vibe now with my dad.

So yeah, I mean, when I was playing foosball more, it wasn't like I was on the road constantly. I mean, we would go to maybe three or four major tournaments a year, me and my family. But yeah, touring initially with Norton, that was like a really big like, okay, this is what it's like to be on the road every week. Oh, fuck, I got a question.

Yeah. norton that was like a really big like okay this is what it's like to be on the road every week i got a question yeah so you were young and like if you were slotted to play your mom you guys had to travel there together oh yeah oh fuck that's a tense car ride or plane ride yeah you sit next to each other like did you ever feel a competitive thing or she always was like you're my daughter i mean she's she's the sweetest person on the planet but she is also super competitive like me so i've talked about it before where it's like it's a lose-lose because if you win you're like i kind of feel like shit because i just beat my mom like my sweet mom yeah who's given me life then the other side you're like fuck yeah yeah but if you like lose to your mom you're like, lose to your mom, you're like, fuck. Right. Damn it, mom. Like, you get mad to lose to somebody that you know you're going to have to be around

the rest of the trip. Right. But. That's weird. It's a weird energy. Did you beat her ever? I have beaten her the last probably three years of tournaments, maybe. Wow.

But, like, you know, it's hard. She gets older, then I'm, you know, I still got that, the young, the reflexes. Right, right. I don't know. But still, you overtook her. I know. But she, I mean, but I can't, like, true, I mean, that woman is in the Foosball Hall of Fame. She's played for 40 years. Oh, she's in the Foosball Hall of Fame?

She's in the Foosball Hall of Fame. There's no, like, robbing her of her throne. Right. But it does, like, it is a cool feeling to be able to beat her could we go to the foosball hall of fame is it a place or is it just something an idea that you guys talk about like do you get a ribbon or like what is your shirt it's in it's in vegas of course i mean where else would it be um you get a really nice leather jacket like a harley davidson embroidered jacket yeah and what does it take to get into the foosball hall of fame there's a committee that votes people in are they fucking all men no okay no um yeah look oh there's my mom

my mom's in the front row that picture which one um she's not the guy in the right to the right of the woman with the um hair in the middle so uh the brunette her yeah that's my mom there you go yep look at that proud group of people mrs cook or does she go by a maiden oh her maiden name yeah but yeah the woman on the far left that cindy head she has won more championships than any player in history more than any man wow she's like the serena williams of foosball yeah she's incredible and she's um she when you were talking about women playing against each other and that sort of weird like tension and rivalry she is so psychologically damaging to play against she's a

she's a um a lesbian ex-cop from alabama okay yeah and she uh refers to herself in the third person i was about to say maybe she refers herself as sir i'm just i'm just a joke but like she she gets so fired up and she'll yeah anybody who you're playing against that refers to themselves in the third person right you just feel so like such a piece of dog shit when you're losing them because she'll she'll score and then she'll go yeah come on cindy come on that's what i'm talking about come on cindy and she'll like slap the table it's such an intense way to lose you just feel berated afterward yeah and you know that you're good if you can refer to yourself in the third person oh yeah because there's i don't know if there's anything more confident or arrogant to, you know, Ricky Henderson,

this baseball player used to refer to himself in the third person. Remember Ricky Henderson? He's like, Ricky Henderson is like, he's like, yeah, I mean, Ricky Henderson is just good out there.

I'm like, you're talking about you, dude. But he was like idolizing himself in the third person. You got to really fucking bring it in whatever sport you are. Look at her yelling in that shot. Yeah. Yeah.

But she's also come on cindy come on she's the sweetest person on the planet though which makes it also hard because then you walk away from the table and she's just sweet as candy to you and you like want to be mad but you can't be she's so good does she have a partner she did for a while i don't know if she still does gotta probably be hard to date a Hall of Fame foosball player. I tell you. Yeah. Or maybe like an absolute delight.

Maybe you're just walking around like, this is my, she's amazing. She's got to hit the road. I'm just, I'm just seeing the movie. I'm just seeing the movie and I'm seeing it sold. If we base a character around Cindy. Yep. We go interrac racial love story the trials and tribulations of their of their relationship based on her foosball schedule then your character comes in as the

young kind of you know what i mean you're the young fucking you just you just offed your mom right so and then you're the up-and- she has to be, and she has to choose. She has to choose between her relationship because she knows her partner is going like, if you go to this foosball match, we're done. You haven't spent any time with our Asian kid that we've adopted and he misses you and he's got violin practice and you're never there. And we're fucking tiger mom in this kid to make him feel comfortable. And if you go play that bitch, it's over.

And she's got to choose. And she chooses. But then her partner shows up at the end and is clapping when she beat you. That slow clap. Yeah. Yeah. She sees her in the distance. Yeah.

Single tear. Single tear. And if you're okay with the villain, I am ready to approach HBO Max right now. And all I require is just like a background. I'm in the stands with these two guys. And that's it. Or do you guys want

more prominent roles? Drew, you want to do something? You want to be the Coke dealer, Drew? Whatever he wants. He wants it to be lit. Whatever it is, he wants to say gotcha and he wants to say lit.

He's a 22-year-old kid that I've never had a conversation with that didn't have a gotcha or a lit in there. One time we had an all emojis conversation. my god he was just throwing fire engines and lits and like fucking jake paul's boxing gloves at me and shit like that so really so you made the transition to comic i did yeah um were you always like uh were you like the entertaining foosball did where'd your wit come from you have a you

have a joke mind you have like a wit it's like they're well-written jokes oh thank you and it's like you see things in a funny way so it's like was that always there or was that something that developed i i think so both of my parents are really funny i think i was around funny people but in terms of pursuing comedy for a career that sounded like just an absolute nightmare to me, I wanted to be a high school math teacher at the high school I went to. Living the dream. Why would you give up that fun?

So you good at math? Yeah. I can tell. You have like a structure. I can tell. Yeah. I always admire people that can go up with just a premise

and like see where it goes on stage. And I'm so, I'm like, I write everything out very. I always admire people that can go up with just a premise and like, see where it goes on stage. And I'm so I'm like, I write everything out. Very lazy. That's me. Yeah. I'm like, I got to sit down and write this.

It's brave. I mean, I it's, that's terrifying to me to think about doing that. Yeah. It's brave. I think as a result of laziness, because there's been times that I've written jokes out and they go so much

better. Even when I kind of, even when I riff with them a little bit, if I just work it out before I would save myself like 20 years of figuring out what the joke is. Cause I can sit there with no pressure and be like, eh, and then, but I just am lazy. I mean, it's hard. Yeah. It's hard to dedicate that time to just like get quiet and write shit out. Especially when we've got our phones. Phones are way better than anything.

They totally are. Yeah. Why sit and write when you could just scroll? But you do. You do do that. I do. Yeah. I try to.

Do you riff with it or you just go straight up? I'll riff with it sometimes once I get up there, but I like to know where the beginning of the joke is and where it's going to end. They, yeah, get freaked out where the beginning of the joke is and where it's gonna end yeah they yeah get freaked out of the thought of not knowing i tell you in this era that's just a safer way to do comedy to know where you're going so you don't get caught up in the moment and just blurp something and then you're like oh i wonder if people who do that know the moment they just go fuck yeah like everybody's phones out i should have written this out

and made sure i didn't put that word in so you never have that situation not really i mean i will i'll riff and i'll do crowd work and stuff but generally i try to i just i there's something i think too about when people start to buy tickets to come see you for me there's a pressure to give them an actual performance like a well-written show i don't want to be the person that goes out and even if it's a new joke i don't want them to be able to tell it's new right you know i wanted to at least feel like in the delivery like i've done it a bunch of times it's a very professional perspective thank you yeah so what's it like being a woman on the road but yeah i think it is that math background though i'm more i really like the idea of having a lot of safety and structure just like i'm gonna go get my math degree i'm gonna teach these kids

i'm just gonna stay in my little small town but yeah i'm gonna like bigger bigger dreams called yeah i got into like calc i was in a calc three class and my brain was just leaking i fucking hated it so much i was like it's calculus three yeah yeah i couldn't do it anymore yeah math to me is like there's calculators so i'm like i just go like that way yeah what well true i mean you get to a point in life where you're like oh you don't need any of this shit there was no need for so much of the stuff we were taught in high school yeah it's i try to it's interesting because like i have a daughter now and like i try to the world she's gonna grow up in yeah is so different from

the world i grew up in as someone in my 40s um that it's like i try to figure out how i'm going to even relate yeah you know what i mean yeah like how do i even relate she's gonna have like her tests on ipads and she's got like three screens going at the same time it's actually a little intimidating like the confidence of young people and that's why i love having drew around he's not that young i mean he's four twenty six twenty two twenty three just graduated from finger painting school too i call finger painting school because he likes to play with cameras and shit his dad was a firefight firefighter. I thought you said finger bang school. I was like, wow, that's a whole new thing.

Guys could use that, though. That was an elective. That was an elective, I think. Yeah, guys could use that, though, because a lot of times I was just doing that. You can't just do it. You can't just press elevator buttons. You can't. You've got to hook and pull.

Absolutely. Yeah. Because there's no button straight back. No, there's not. There's nothing there. You're not cutting. It's a cervix, and you're not, we're're not we're not gonna yeah yeah i feel like you're getting an iud put in you don't want this is a procedure move right this is not yeah that's if you're taking if you're trying to rescue britney spears you go in and then take it get that little lego out of there yeah

yeah she's got a situation down there yeah um yeah so it's like guys could benefit from that a little bit i think guys could benefit from uh sexual education if we weren't such a protestant repressed do they have that in france is that why they're good lovers they cheat a lot they like they like all sick we have that kind of. Right. We don't talk about it. You just get out there and fumble around for a few years. Yeah. And then, you know. And the worst part is like guys get raised on porn.

And I don't even, his generation, porn is so accessible. Yeah. And that's the wrong way too. Right. I mean, that's the big wrong way. That's the worst teacher you can get. That's the other end of the spectrum. That's the other end of the spectrum that's the other end of the spectrum

where you're going and that's how we learned when we were kids was like by porn and that's not right women aren't into that you can't just you can't just stand up and go okay ready for the money shot like what the fuck you know no that's not how it works 2 p.m on a tuesday yeah no we can't do that my mom's upstairs we're sneaking this so guys got yeah i wonder about i go like how am i gonna relate like if you were a math teacher a lot of kids are just gonna be like i got this i'm a cyborg i don't need to learn this they're pretty much cyborgs at this point like yeah it's part of them like the internet is like part of them yeah my mom was my high school french teacher and so before she retired i would go back to her class once a year um to talk about being a comedian

for a living and like just encouraging kids to follow their dreams because it's so much still that standardized career testing in high school where it's like you do that dreams because it's so much still that standardized career testing in high school where it's like you do that shitty thing it's like you could maybe be a doctor whatever there's no nobody's ever like be a clown right especially spokane especially from spokane yeah but i don't know i just always think it's good to show kids that you don't have to go do that if you don't want to and if if you feel like you could do other things but yeah just even i was more nervous talking in front of her classroom of like 20 kids who would just like occasionally look up at me from their phone than like performing for 2 000 people i was sweating bullets i fucking hated

every second of it i was like oh teaching in this environment be a disaster i had that same experience for my uh senior thesis i did it on magnet schools okay and i got to teach a class and that was even that was uh you know i grew up in the 30s so there was no there was even no internet like the kid like trying to talk to kids and keep their attention was like and i was trying to be hip and cool and they were just like fuck this loser like they just wanted no part of it smell it they can smell the desperation to just try and fit in oof toughest crowd probably kids yes yeah so very happy for a million reasons that i did not become a high school math teacher yeah and a lot of fans are happy for that too thank you it is

intimate the thing about it is i don't know if you found this like when you when you talk to younger kids who grew up with the internet they have this sort of scary confidence that i find that i don't have like i don't know how old you are i'm not gonna ask but like you did you grow up with the internet i'm 32 i don't care 32 yeah it's young so you kind of you were like in between or a little bit but mostly internet mostly yeah mostly internet because i i would like the internet like came out when i was like in college like my first year people were like different like a dude had a computer we were like yo man this dude's got a computer who are you bill gates it was like nobody had him right so there's this and now with the phone it takes to another level where these kids are so confident because they know they have every answer to any question they

can learn how to do anything like i don't even know he could have just been like he could have been just in jail and learned how to do all this from youtube videos absolutely right he goes like he was like i was like you know how to do this he was like he wasn't like no and sweated he was like yeah dude i'll just watch youtube tonight and figure it out and that's it and they just do it and they learn it and that's i that's foreign to my generation like i gotta go to school for it i gotta and that's why you see a lot of these young comics just get up there and they're like yeah man i watched kelsey clook i could do that shit i watched her let me just do her yeah and then they just learn it it's like they're it's like it's

like the matrix where they just download it real quick things that we had to take a long time to kind of crack the code of they just take your shit and then they download it and then they they're off to the races are you afraid as a parent for um can i ask how old your daughter is um yeah okay that's not an edgy question i don't know that was very polite and spokane well some people are so private about their kids. Yeah, no. My daughter, first of all, we think she's a she. I haven't asked her yet. Sure, okay. So, I mean, that could be, that conversation's one that has to happen now. Right, right.

At a certain point, I'm like, have I been misgendering this whole time? But she is eight and a half months old. Oh, okay. Yeah. Baby, baby, baby. So, yeah, do you you because i feel like for parents the phone is such a blessing and a curse because you can set it in front of your kid if you need a break oh it's the best but then when they get older and have their own i feel like you

have no longer have any respect as a parent because they're just like fuck you this is all i need like don't tell me what to do with this boring compared to this right right yeah i it is um it's a it's a that's an interesting thing because the phone like you said you feel like is this right to just put it in front of her but then when she they just like they become manchurian candidates they're just like and the thing i mean el, I don't know what that dude tapped into, but he is the fucking Beatles for kids. Like, he's Beyonce for children. Really? She just goes crazy? Dude, they just, like, Elmo pops up and she doesn't even speak yet. But like Elmo, there's something about, na-na-na-na.

There's something about his voice. And I don't know if you remember this. He got me too'd. He got me too'd early. He was one of the first me tooers. You don't even know about it because parents were like, na, na, na, na, na. Parents were like, uh-uh. You ain't fucking taking Elmo from us.

I don't care until you find another dude who can hit that, na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na. Yeah. So he got, what is it yeah yeah oh yeah i mean it wasn't elmo like elmo wasn't touching the puppet didn't do shit i thought that's what you meant he got caught up in all this shit oh he was just the the messenger yeah yeah so the guy who plays elmo is this dude and uh yeah who that's got to be weird when you walk into a bar you're that famous here's the deal there's a let me this is what i know about being a parent you'll find this

interesting um the fame from that is fame like billions so it's like frozen elsa now that i'm a new parent i'm not like elmo it's like we'll think like who's the biggest comic kevin hart there's like 100 million people who watch kevin hart it everyone has kids all over the world and they all fucking watch these things yeah so it's like elmo is famous dude elmo is fucking famous so imagine being this dude walking into a bar and nobody knows who you know there's been a couple drunk guys he's like i'm fucking elmo i'm fucking and they're like shut up dude you're not fucking elmo and then he does the voice and they're all like oh yeah it's elmo dog i don't think i realized that it's been the same person for 28 years yeah oh he's not letting that he's i mean the money and the amount of money these things generate like disney right like

dude children's like because children you know children don't watch something once and go like what's the next they go put it on again and again and again and again my my my little girl has been watching coco melon like it's over and over and over and over again so yeah this kid he did he did a bad thing i think he pulled like a kevin spacey right or something like that not in that he had people killed but god he uh yeah he got caught in a situation sexual relationship uh when the man was 16 wow yeah oh jesus that's no bueno horrible but i think people looked the other way am i wrong about that or is he is someone else playing elmo right now i mean he says he stepped away from it at the beginning of that article. He needed to take a little time.

You need to take a little time. Yeah. They did let, you know, when Michael Jordan got caught gambling, they're like, you know, we just need you to step away and play baseball for a second.

There's no way you're going to not let Michael Jordan come back. Right. You know, it's, I think they did the same thing with whatever his fucking name is. Yeah. They were like, look, dude, yeah, what you thing with whatever his fucking name is. He came back in 2018. Yeah, they were like, look, dude.

Wow. All that you did is called statutory rape. Yeah. But you're Elmo. So. So. Take a vacation. That is just insane. Yeah.

And he's back. And he's very important to us parents. And I will protect him at all costs. Oh, my God. I mean, I could come into my house, and there'd be a dead body on the floor, and that dude's standing over with the Elmo puppet like this because he's like crazy and lost it. And I'd be like, dude, we will figure this out.

We need you because you provide my daughter and me and my wife with such a reprieve. I mean, I think me and my wife, we could reprieve i mean i think me and my me and my wife we could go to like we could go to miami for like a week and come back and my baby would still be just glued to elmo it's really you really what we do as comics is so first of all we're like the lowest rung of entertainment right we're like it's like no doubt yeah no doubt no doubt i mean it's like us booze and prostitution are like the three most recession proof it's like even like during the pandemic we were on roofs oh my god you could we were cockroaches you could not kill us yeah you couldn't stop us we're on zoom shows we're in people's fucking living rooms we're just we

invaded everywhere we were like we need to tell these insane jokes. I mean, it is insanity. Yeah, Armageddon, it's going to be like roaches, rats, and some guy going like, so this is what happened. I went into Costco. Costco's are all gone because the world's blown up. Isn't that fucking weird? And there's just nobody there.

The guy's talking to himself. It really tells you the mental illness of this business because even before covid it's like let's have shows in laundromats really like that's how badly people are like i need to say this yeah to anybody i've done backyards i've done coffee shops i've done bagel stores what's your worst gig i performed at a foosball tournament hot crowd huh it was so bad it was i mean it was all with the best intentions the woman running the tournament was like this year like we want you to be the entertainment well we'll pay you it'll be great but when it's somebody that has never run a comedy show they don't know that there's a there's an ambience to it you know you can't just give us a microphone and go go right dance you know and um they that

speaks to how low we are as entertainers that that's what they think they just go truly there you're like wait can you put the people together you're like no just roam around and do your funny thing yeah do your skits it was called skits yeah they um they had like a little bit of a platform i stood on but then lighting wise they didn't know what to do so they just turned all the lights off in the ballroom so you just performed in the dark and then they put like uh you just held your phone up like this and did it yourself turn all the lights up but then this like weird kind of like wash of pink light on me it was like performing in a terrarium like what you put like an iguana under or something it was just this like really weird

like nobody could see me and um i don't even think that everybody stopped playing foosball i think that people were still playing in the background so you're like hearing clanking and then um these are people that have seen me since I was a child and not everybody knew that some of my comedies dirtier and my mom's in the crowd. And they also didn't know that my mom's okay with it being dirty. So I would like get into like a sex joke and I would just feel everybody like get real quiet and look at my mom and see how she's reacting. And, um, it was, they build me for like like it was 30 minutes i had to do it for 30 minutes and i just knew two minutes and i was like oh this is gonna be a fucking

disaster yeah and then i had to be around i bombed i ate a dick so hard for 30 minutes and then i had to be around everybody for the rest of the tournament yeah and just oh like people giving you that look like oh i hate that look so much of like so you're doing this huh so you're doing this yeah we caught your skit that was nice it just felt oh it felt so bad that reminds me so my ex-girlfriend was jesse i mean i think you guys are friends jesse yeah yeah two and a half years yeah i had no idea so um and you know we're friends now she's great yeah and um so the that reminds me of a gig i did with her once where um she she had some gig in fire island it was like a gay show okay yeah and they love her i mean she was like so i was basically opening for

her okay maybe i did know that you guys i just think i forgot it's great to know she doesn't mention it at all no i think maybe she did at some point i just forgot but yeah no i'm kidding so um we went to fire island together and um like i went up right and it was like gay marriage had just been passed in new york so and there's two guys in the front row who were in clear high heels and they're tipping right so it's the show opens with a drag queen who crushes i mean went, went up there and did like Tina Turner. He's like a six foot four guy doing splits and shit. And he's like sweating. Then he goes up and they're like, okay, guys, we're going to do comedy now.

And I was going like, you just know. You're like, this is not my room. I shouldn't do this. I knew before. I was going, and maybe I psyched myself out, but I was like, I shouldn't do this. And there was two guys in the front going, yas, daddy, yas. And they were clapping like this and they were in heels. And when they like something, they just, have you ever been to like a drag show?

I think one time, yeah. Yeah, they stand up and they just throw money in like a thing in their heels. And they kind of saunter over and they just put money in the middle of your show. So not only do I know that this is going to go bad, I'm going to have proof because they're not going to get up and put money on there so they're just sitting in the front and I start doing my straight jokes right and gay people do not like that

they like lip singing and divas and that's all they fucking want so I'm up there and I'm like you know Derek Jeter right and I'm just focusing on these two guys in the clear heels and I'm like when you know, and so I'm just, and I'm just focusing on these two guys in the clear heels. And I'm like, when are they going to tip me?

When are they going to tip me? And at no point did they get up. And at one point, one of them goes, he goes, oh, he goes, oh,

he goes, can you please, we, okay. Gay marriage. We just got gay marriage. And I was like, yeah,

gay marriage. It's great. You got congrats. And that was just silence i just said congrats and they were just like can you please we just got married like we don't want to deal with this so i bombed like you you know when you bomb you can hear it echoing off the fucking oh yeah you know the only thing that was absorbing was cum on the walls or whatever and then i got off spider man just like yeah i got off and that's one of those gigs like yours where we're on fire island oh so i just went and stood over there so i'm just like standing there

and like everyone's like you know that when they look over you when they go like they just pretend not to see you and then jesse may goes up in heels and she's going like, woo. You know, she's doing like, yeah, Kegels. And they're going, yes, queen. And they're fucking throwing money. And they're going, stop it. Stop. We fucking love you.

And then she got off and we just stood together. And everyone was just coming to her. And they were kind of just glazing over me. And I was just like, we were just stuck there. And they were going, we love you. And I was just standing there in the back. Oh, the worst. And I was like, yeah. It was like, I think I got mad at her for it i was like this is all your fault she was like you know you gotta yeah you better just figure out how to you know be better at

comedy but that's the worst when they're when you just go i'm gonna be over there and you don't for another 48 hours for another i'll just be yeah we were on the island i think we're there two days yeah and so like we were at a like a resort thing so like all the drag queens i had to see them all the time and i just had to that's how humiliating comedy is yeah it's huge it can be humiliating did you have any bad zoom shows did you do any i did not do zoom shows thank god i'm at a point in my career where i just made a hard no on that yeah good for you yeah i did a thousand deaths last year but how can you even do good on a zoom show well you know actually some of them were were fun i did have a

great time actually on a few of them but i had to do some college gigs where there would be like eight kids that would show up to the zoom link and i would have contractually i had to do like an hour and i would get on and i would see that they were all muted. And so I'd start my set and go, hey, guys, so thanks for being here. I would love if you guys could unmute yourselves. So I don't feel like I'm performing in an insane asylum. And then I would watch one kid unmute themselves and the rest of them just like. Nope. Yeah. Watch one kid unmute themselves and the rest of them just like, nope.

Yeah. And so I would have to do an hour for one person. And seven muted people going, this bitch sucks. And I would have to do it for, like, they would laugh at maybe 30% of the things. And the rest of it, I mean, you truly are speaking to nobody. Yeah. I'm going to go kill myself. This is terrible.

Yeah. Yeah. The colleges, they have those budgets and they're just like we're gonna do these shows yeah yeah at least in those situations you're looking at the clock going and you're just like thinking of the paycheck that's coming at the end of it like i can do this i will get through it for that but yeah some of the same ones were rough yeah i mean a lot of people say life is short but uh when you're bombing life is it's the longest it's the it's longer than a Yanni Long Day. I'll tell you that right now.

Kelsey Cook, you have a special out. I do. It's on Epix. It's called Unprotected Sets. It's part of a series. I see what you did there. I wish I could take credit for it because I do like that name. And your mom supported that name.

She's like, yeah, call it fucking licking balls. Get out there. Call it anal. By the way, who's that porn star you say in your set you look at jesse rogers jesse rogers i only watch male porn so i don't know yeah i don't know i'm not familiar with the woman do you know who she is jesse rogers yeah that was a fucking guess that was a fucking guess she's actually brunette now but she was blonde she only did porn for like a year no she's she's not old she's um she's about my age she's 30s but she was doing it i think like 18 19 but she only did it for a year that's how good she was that she got

that famous just in that year but like amazing ass she's yeah she's she's beautiful but my yeah my friend jay had told me a long time ago he's like you know who your celebrity look-alike is it's this porn star named jesse rogers and i googled her and like the first picture that popped up was of course you're doing this like hardcore anal and so that's the joke i then do on stage and i was like i got so like creeped out realizing that my friend Jay saw that and was like, you know what this reminds me of? Fucking gaping butthole Kelseru. You're like, what the fuck?

Why did that make you think that? Yeah, let's pull her up. I want to see. I think I look like her in that top left a little bit. A little bit? Yeah, I see it a little bit. Yeah. You guys? Yeah.

Yeah. I see it in the face for sure. Yeah. The face and labia apparently i don't know what our labia looks like just i've just seen uh her asshole yeah so she's out of the game now she's out of the game yeah she's delightful we had her on our podcast oh we had her on self-helpless um she talked about kind of the behind the scenes of the porn industry and as you can imagine very wild yes but um yeah she's doing great she's she's so sweet um i want to actually meet her in person yeah but yeah she's she's awesome and um who knows she'll probably just end up doing comedy who isn't

doing comedy she'll retire she'll become a comedian yeah she's very popular on only fans oh she's got her only fans yeah i, I think that's where it's at. A lot of people went to OnlyFans. Yeah. Who knows? I just got to figure out what I would sell. Can you do your character on there with the wig? Yeah, I might do that.

Okay. I think people might, yeah. Maybe I'll just start, maybe I'll do an OnlyFans with Marisa. That's what I'll do. Yeah. You could do like a foosball instructional on there. Probably, yeah.

That would get low hits. For what people want on OnlyFans? Yeah. Yeah. But I feel like the foosball audience would be on OnlyFans. Yeah. The guy wants. There's some people who are wholesome and genuinely want to learn more about foosball.

And then, you know, a lot of dudes just want to. And that's Gary. That's probably one guy named Gary. And that's one dude in Minnesota named Gary. And everybody else wants then you know a lot of dudes and that's gary that's probably one guy named gary in minnesota named gary and everybody else wants you know tits and assholes well thank you for doing this so how do they access the special on epics is there a place they can go to yeah so you can download the epics app or if you have um a certain cable package it's just streaming uh on on epics there but um yeah i've also i've cut up the special into clips and it's on my tiktok and on my instagram so it's at kelsey cook comedy um and then i'm touring now uh if you go to

kelseycook.com i've got a bunch of tour dates coming up where um i'm sorry when is this coming out this will be uh probably this week yeah nice yeah so a bunch of dates um i mean it's like every weekend in august and september um oh look at that yeah yeah there's a bunch bunch coming up so um kelseycook.com kelseycook.com for her tour dates her podcast with taylor tomlinson and delaney fisher delaney fisher um you and you and taylor thompson tomlinson are killing it thank thank you very funny i don't know the other girls i guess she doesn't do comedy anymore but she's amazing super so check out the self the self helpless podcast follow you on tiktok where you're fucking dabbing it up and hitting the wall and

you'll go live once in a while which is always fun yeah hey guys i caught you on it yeah it's so it is like a little humiliating yeah but you feel like you're supposed to do that i've heard that that helps get more engagement or whatever it does and your clips are up there your clips are funny thanks go watch your clips you're super super funny and i'm really happy you did this thank you for coming in you're fucking hilarious i laugh out loud at your clips all the time so i'm happy to come on yeah let's fucking foosball yes guys it's time for our small business shout outs. The lifeblood of long days.

The king of the long haulers. These guys are those COVID symptoms that don't go away. And we appreciate and love each and every one of you, especially the absolute pope of the long haulers. My boy, Mike Milanov, the Bulgarian with the big glue gun, the cat strangler.

Okay. The best dressed psychopath you've ever seen in your entire life. Mike Milanov, go to his Instagram page, fix nation, T H I X nation, Mike Milanov, go to his Instagram page, Thix Nation, T-H-I-X Nation, because his gear is Thix and his glue gun is Thix. Mike, we hope you enjoyed your video, brother. It finally went up across all my social media platforms. All the fans of long days have to go to Thick's Nation on Instagram. And I want you to put funny comments underneath all his photos and you tell me what he looks like

to you. And I will read the funniest comments on this podcast. He's the big time glue gunner. He gives more money than the rest of you. So he gets the most time, even though he doesn't promote a business. He's just a kid with money that's promoting his Instagram and he's done well in life. He came from nothing and you got to respect people like that. And he's also a huge fan and he's appreciated the most by me and Jesse and even drew if he was here. Okay. But he's got a haircut. So go to fix nation on Instagram, Mike Milanov. You're best, dude. Hope you enjoyed your video, and we hope you continue to support us. And whatever else you need me to do, I'll do it. Of course, the great Eastside Cheesecakes. I am so glad to be promoting these guys.

You can get them at Uncle Pauly's Dolly. Uncle Pauly. Go to Uncle Pauly's in LA and get yourself Eastside Cheesecake. Eastsidecheesecakes.com. It all starts, like I say, at the gram. Go follow him on the gram. Eastside Cheesecakes, all one word on the gram. Go support Julia and Gregory. They've started an amazing business and their cheesecakes are fucking mind-blowing. To be honest with you, it surpassed my expectation. We got another long hauler, Omar, who went and took a picture with them and got a cheesecake. And he told me he couldn't handle how good it is. That's what happens when you cook your cheesecake yourself and you just care about it.

So get it now before they blow up and they start caring. You know that's what happens. They blow up and then they just stop caring. And then you got to go to Julia and Gregory's house to get a fucking good cheesecake. Because they're blown up and you're going to some chain spot and some dude's making it who doesn't care about the cheesecake. So get your Eastside cheesecake now before they blow up. There's a discount right here for long haulers. If you want to buy a cheesecake, if you're in the Los Angeles area, go and get yourself Eastside cheesecake. They make everything from scratch

and it is absolutely delicious. I tried it. Of course, Joseph DeMonte, if you do not go to Blue Agave on 3rd Avenue in Bay Ridge, you're not having a full Bay Ridge experience, okay? Blue Agave on 3rd Avenue, my boy Joseph DeMonte with his spot. The food is incredible. The drinks are even better and it's just a cool small spot where you can take your girl and get a drink at night and have a real Brooklyn nightlife night and feel like a real kid from Bay Ridge. Joseph Damati. Blue Agave. All one word on the gram. Blue Agave.

Bay Ridge. All one word. So long to our last guy. We miss you. Hope everything works out. Go. If you're moving your car, dudes, you know what you got to do. You got to go see this screwed in kid, Jared Z from the Stinkbox over at exclusiveautoshipping.com.

Go for your free quote. If you're moving and you want to move your car, whatever wheels you got, he will move them. He will move them anywhere in the country. You're moving to another spot. You're like, how do I move my Lex? How do I move my Tesla? I don't know what your income is. Maybe how do I move my Toyota? You go to exclusiveautoshipping.com, get your

free quote, and they'll move your car for you. Rob's Mental Playground. We should have theme music for Rob's Mental Playground. Guys, go to Rob's Mental Playground on YouTube, robsmentalplayground.com. Go buy art and print his shirts, his prints, his art. Have him custom make something for you. If you want a hyena in the bathtub, cuz, you can sell these. You have my permission. You have my permission to sell these fucking hyenas in the bathtub, cuz. Thank you for my fucking hyena in the bathtub on my suit, on my set. We love you, Rob. You got to follow Rob. He's a wild, wild kid. When he watches Squeaky Clean, he hops in the bathtub and he sends me photos of him twinkling his toes. The kid is

fucking wild and that's why it's a mental playground. Rob's mental playground, all one word on the gram. Go follow him. He's a fun follow. He's in every live. He's just a funny kid. He's just a funny kid. Then we have, of course, a new sponsor, ForTheFree. ForTheFree.us. Am I correct in that? Yeah, it's ForTheFree.us. Yeah, go support these guys.

Find out about all the local artists in Hawaii. Hawaii. Hawaii. This guy is all about supporting The local scene in Hawaii Go learn about all the Upcoming artists Is there anything funner There's nothing funner

Than exploring And finding somebody As they're coming up That's the best feeling in the world If you're a music lover And you want to know What kind of pop in musicians There are in Hawaii

Which there are a lot It has a booming scene Go to fortheFree.us. Check it out. You can't go wrong. You cannot go wrong with this kid. They're also doing some cool stuff. I just want to get to it because they're doing, this is what I want you to know about.

If you want some free songs you want to listen to, forthefree.bandcamp.com slash track slash suits dash two, go listen to some free songs. And they are, they support dozens of local Hawaii artists with their live events. But they can't play musician, they can't play the music without permission.

So whatever that means. But forthefree.us, it's all free. They got videos of their events. You can go check out the artists. They got merchandise, tour information, all that stuff. It's all free, guys. tour information all that stuff it's all free guys so go over to their website for the free dot us um and they do once hawaii opens back up which i think i don't know if it is they're gonna do a new gala um in hawaii so you gotta follow them dude and support these artists that's a

real fun thing this is like exactly what the small business shout out is about. So I hope you go find some cool new bands and go support for the free.us. Just go to the website and take a gander around. You know what I'm saying? And we got one new sponsor. He hasn't sent his copy yet, but don't worry. We'll always make sure you get the reads that you signed up for. So as soon as you send me, oh, look at this. that you signed up for. So as soon as you send me, oh, look at this. Look at this.

He just came in. My boy, Reese Ormond. Okay, what is he all about? Listen to this. It's techvera.com. Techvera.com. Facebook.com slash techvera.it. This is amazing, dude. Small businesses turn to them rather than hiring internal IT staff so they can get an entire IT department for a fraction of the cost of hiring.

They offer 24-7, 365-day coverage and unlimited support to our flat-rate sponsors. Wow. Larger organizations with existing ID departments turn to them to help with cloud projects, their co-managed IT program where they extend their best in-class tool stack and automation to internal IT departments, driving automation, efficiency, and security efforts. So this is a real tech, tech, screwed-in, egghead business here. This is really great. So are you going to let a nation-state hack your network, encrypt your data, demand a ransom? No, you're not because you know who to call.

Who do you call? Tech Vera. Techvera.com. Go support this company that supports small businesses. The small businesses actually go to them to help with their IT stuff. Instead of hiring IT staff, you just hire them. Techvera.com. Very simple. Okay okay reese you're the man dude he's the ceo of techvera go check it out go to the website techvera.com and if you're a small business and you need it support instead of hiring individual tech individuals hire techvera they'll do all that for you they will protect you they will not let you get hacked. They'll encrypt your shit and you'll be good.

So we may use Techvera so people don't know what I'm watching. Peace out. Thank you, Reese. Also, guys, I want to tell you, I'm going to start reading the funniest reviews on iTunes. So go leave a five-star review and make it funny. And the funniest ones on Apple, I will read. So please, all of you, go to iTunes. Go to Apple, rate and review the podcast. I'll read through all of them. And the funniest ones will be read on the podcast. Thank you as always.

Tell friends. you you you you you you you you you you you It's been a long day