Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 384-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 22, 2017

If you haven't ever seen a whale penis, you don't size and you don't know Penis.  Tommy hung out with Top Dog and Charo this weekend and he has tales to tell.  Plus Gene had a dream that Tommy was bad and now she's mad at him in real life. Does this nonsense happen in your life as well?  Tina's phone got a new text. Anyone interested in DRUGS?!?!  AND, more boring videos, Hey Mommy and much more!

Frank Sinatra. Yeah. I'm not entertained. I don't think it's great. It's also not singing. Why you say that? He's singing. He's not singing. Okay, sing like him. I guess he kind of sings that one. But most of it is like, you're like, that's not really singing, man. Man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man. There's ladies at the bar. Great, man. Yeah. That's a what is that? That's Wank Sinatra. Nice. That's really good. Yeah. By who is that? Flow something. I can't see.

Yeah, really good song. I like it. Sinatra's terrible. Terrible. And it's a very, it's just, it's too overexposed too. Like I feel like you hear Sinatra in very corporate environments too. By that sig flow. Sorry, sig flow. You know, like when you go to a bar stux, it's like a corporate approved type of music. Yeah. I think because it's just, it's been around for so long. I also feel like it's fake nostalgia. Right, right. The guy that tried, he's like, I just, you know, I love that throwback feel. Yeah. Right. But it's been so overused that it's not even authentic anymore because they'll play Frank Sinatra, you know, at the McDonald's or whatever. And you're like, well, this isn't cool. Yeah, I know. You know,

you know what I'm saying? If you don't know what I'm talking about, you usually hear Sinatra in like yuppie places like our Creighton Barrel or Sir Latabla or Williams and Sonoma. Like when you're buying your $100 pots and pans. Yeah. People like to force that. Yeah. That feel. I think maybe actually I just realized that's my issue with it is that I feel like the person people act like they're into that whole thing. Right. Like when you meet somebody authentically playing Sinatra at their house, like that's what they relaxed to. Yeah. You're like, oh, it's all about the authenticity. Right. Like a 70 year old guy likes to not like my dad. Yeah. My dad does likes Frank Sinatra. It doesn't feel, but it's, it feels, it feels like it's fake.

Right. Like love for it. I think you're right. I think you're, I think it's a manufactured. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. A fake nostalgia. At that point, it's not neat. It's not cool. It's not raw. You're absolutely right. Yeah. What the fuck is she doing? She's looking for, she just went behind it. I'm surprised she got up on the couch. She hasn't, well, maybe she's lost a few pounds. She has, because I've been cutting her kibble. What's she doing, man? She's looking for things to get into. I cut her kibble intake. So she still eats the table scraps to fall, but it's actually, it's only been like a week of doing that. And she's already dropped some LBs it looks like. Oh, for my audio people, I get a lot of people that, you know, ask questions and make suggestions

about, so I have an update on this computer. Yeah. So we do a show with two pooters. Oh, wait, open the shop. Well, I was wondering if we should watch the Evie Mike guy because this discussion you're about to get into sounds about as interesting. I don't know. I don't have him queued up. What I'm saying, it sounds like a real boring. Are you going to get real technical on this? Well, it's a little technical, but I think we have a lot of people that have, have written in about it. Okay. So, so I, we do the show with two, two computers. Right. This basically becomes the, the video computer, the one I'm sitting in front of, and it's like a backup audio thing, but the, the majority of the audio stuff plays from

the second computer. Right. So that one for the second time got butt fucked and stopped working. I took it in. They have already replaced the logic board on it. And I go, what, she just did a code on it. She reset the PRAM and then the PRAM. Yeah. Then I pray to bring it back here, plug it in. Not the same issue, but not playing. So now I think it's actually the jack that I plugged in there. So that's what I was saying to you that I'm going to get new cables. It's the plugging and unplugging. Maybe it's the cable that plugged because you're messing with it. And then something else. Interesting how I kind of answered it. Yeah, you kind of, you kind of solved it. I think that there's also a, there's a software that somebody told me to

download to, to do, to streamline this more. So I'm going to try that too, but we still don't have it today because today I couldn't hook it up. Okay. Still an issue with it. Kind of, it just fucking, it's so annoying. It is annoying. It sucks because we do our show off of that and all our drops are on there. I had to transfer some. It's like, and then I have that, that version of the show open that doesn't sound the same for whatever reason. It doesn't sound the same on this computer. I don't understand that at all. It doesn't work. It sucks. Yeah. So weird. So weird. We're just going to have to power through. Glass it through. Glass through. All right. Should we open the show? I, should I put on my leather mask or my vinyl mask? Let's fucking do

this shit, man. The penis is being averted out from its shaft there, from the covering, with the tension of pulling on the tail. Those muscles are actually being squeezed out into pushing out the penis. This year is big time. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house with Don Segura. Welcome to your mom's house. I came here. So I know it's like distorted and it's the, it's all funky sounding. I don't, I have no idea. It's a real lo-fi version. I don't get it. I don't get it, man. Anyways. That's the way it goes. Sometimes abroad will not take your offer. So you hang with the fellas

and you have a drink go six. I'm the most popular singer of the 20th century. Right. And it also harkens back to a time, like, isn't that the fifties? Isn't that a time of like total sexism, racism, when the white man, well, still does dominate, but like a time when whitey really fucking lets you know that he was in charge. They had a real special black with them, you know? They had one, right. They're a loud one. They're like, you are cool. And he, right. He was black and he was Jew. So he met both quotas and then they're like, the rest of us are white. They're like, we're not racist fucking sammies here all the time.

Right. Yeah, totally. And I, but ironically, that time in Vegas is where those guys were performing. That's back when Vegas was about, it was Sodom and Gomorrah was, you know, hookers and drugs and really changed boozing. It's really nice now. Yeah. It's getting so crazy. Like Nevada now has, uh, I think they're, I think they passed recreational marijuana, not like that you couldn't find it before, but imagine to add that into the mix. Like now weed is legal. You could walk on the streets with open beverages. Great. Uh, the Raiders are probably going to be there. Are you being serious? Yeah. That's chaos. You should not have the Raiders there. Of course, but it's also

perfect. It's perfect. It is no better town to have the Raiders. That is where they should be. Yeah. Just amazing. It's amazing. There's just going to be people shooting guns in the air, like we want. Totally nuts. By the way, thanks to everybody that came out, um, Huntington, Long Island, Montclair, New Jersey, and Atlantic City. Another Atlantic city, isn't it? Atlantic City. Really fun shows. My parents came to Atlantic City show. I know because your dad called this morning and he never asks to speak to me directly, but you handed me the phone and I got really excited. He was demanding it. He was really demanding it. And I got super pumped because I was like, Oh, we're going to do some brown talk. I mean, the dog and I, and what he does, and he

does this every time is he just talks about how proud he is of you and how much he loves you. He's like, you know, Christina, I'm so proud of Tommy. He's just such a great kid. And he just talks about how proud he is of your, of how well you did the show and your performance and your routine. And then, um, notice lately. Oh my God. Nothing makes me like start to cringe more than after he goes, I, you know, I, I watched the crowd. Okay. I watched them and, uh, you, uh, you, you know, you talk about things that they also can relate to. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, it's called that's what we all do. I think they're, because if you don't, people don't laugh. You got to hit a common ground, but you, you have, uh, I don't know. You know,

you, you really just, it's really neat. Can I tell you what he said to me? That was the best too, Gene. He goes, uh, uh, uh, uh, audience was, uh, really excited to see him, like really excited. And, uh, this girl next to me was just dying, just dying, everything Tommy was saying. And I just really laughing. And I was so tempted to tell her, that's my son. And at the end of the show, I leaned over and I said, that's my son. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, she really, you know, flipped out. Yeah. I told her, he was telling me that he was like, I, uh, I said to, uh, somebody that's my son. And then the guy goes, top dog. And I go, that's me. Yeah. He goes, I couldn't help myself, Donny. And my mom was like, Tom, please. And she told me, she was like, I said, please, Tom, please,

please, Tom, please. Now your mom, you said, um, has been having a better, excuse me, time at your shows lately because you've been, uh, encouraging, actually demanding that she drink before the show. Right. So that has been a huge, huge help. Uh, I tell my dad, give her two, because she really can't handle her alcohol. Yeah, it's the best. So I go, give her two, um, and, and make sure that, you know, she's good and sauced. It works so well. First of all, she gets lightheaded and loose. Yeah. She didn't remember what the show is about. So best. Well, then she can't criticize or critique her. Not even, I'm not worried about that. I just don't want her to like really internalize anything really. I mean, like she just, at this point, she feels like,

so, because she'll, if, if she's sober, she'd be like, that thing was kind of, you know, that wasn't very nice to say that. Yeah. At this point, my dad was like, you know, that was true. And then my mom goes, what? He's like, that whole story he told about me, what story? Like didn't even. Remember amnesia? None of it. Yeah. None of it. None of it. I love it. Lately whenever. So I was like, this is the only way she's allowed to come to the show. Yeah. Well, we instituted this policy when she came to visit last time. Yeah. Uh, she came in and we immediately gave her a drink and it ended up being the best time we ever had with your folks. Cause every time she'd come over, I'd be like, Charles, you want, you want your Pina Gries? You want your Pina

Gries? No, no, I cannot. And then I would just pour for her. Remember, you would like, tell me, like just pour for and pour her a big one because she'll never take a second pour. So I was giving her like, you know, tall boys of Pina Griesio and it was fantastic for us. Like, remember they were down on the floor with Ellis laughing, fighting for his affection. It was the best time. Alcohol is the best. Oh, this is, this is the other thing I want to tell you. The last time she went to the, the, the live show, yeah, she drank, she goes, you know what I have to tell you that I, I love the show. He says, no more. You don't do the F anymore. And you don't say your master bathing and my dad looked at me like, like, what are you talking

about? Of course he talked about that for like 15 right? What show are you at? But then we realized it was the, the sauce, the sauce, you know, alcohol and drugs are great for some people's personality. Like my father is off the booze now and he's a miserable cunt. Right. And I don't like him over because he's not fun. And my dad's so much better than when he's drinking. Yeah. Some people are like that. I have friends too that are, I mean, obviously, you know, everyone knows this. Some people it's fucking toxic to the point where you see that second drink go down someone's hatch and you're like, here comes. Yeah. I had friends like that even at high school. Yeah. That I recognize. Like once this dude has three beers, he headbutts people.

Right. Right. Yeah. And then when, then there's people who just are fun all the time. Like Bert's a great example. Like exemplary drinker. Yeah. Burnt, Burnt Chrysler. Yeah. The unfortunate problem is that he's great when he's drunk. Yeah. Yeah. And I've been drunk just drinking. Yeah. You don't even know that he's drunk. No, you don't know. Like he's so fun. Yeah. He's a fun, fun guy. And my dad, the same thing, like a party drunk. Like he's actually kind of a fun dude. Yeah. I'm sure. When he's had a few in him, he used to crank up the Abba in the house and dance and like Hendricks. Oh, Hendricks. That was on the darker days. That's when he was. Turn the lights off. Yeah. I'd come home from like high school. No, I was like 15. I come home

at night from like hanging out with my friends and he'd be sitting in the dark listening to Hendricks. By the way, how loud would you be listening to it? So loud that I was like, oh my God, did somebody break in and turn up our stereo? Like I would walk in and it'd be like blaring. And he would also have the television on muted, which makes me crazy personally. Like if something's on and I can't understand what's happening, I can't do it. And he would just mute the TV and then listen to Hendricks and just sit in the fucking dark and like get weird. I was like, cool. This is normal, right? Yeah. Functional family. That's just how he used to get down. That was his unwinding, right? Yeah. That was a weekend. That wasn't a weekday.

That was like a Friday night kind of wind down. But that's the end of the night. Definitely. That was like midnight. I'm rolling in. And I remember he was into that Marley mix too. You know, I'm sorry. Yeah, there was some song that he played. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is he likes that stuff. Yeah. You know what really made me laugh that he used to do with my ex stepmom is she fucking hated German Christmas music. And my dad would play this one CD that we had. And there was one song high G boom by G and she would fucking, she would never get mad. But when high G boom by G came on, play it just to irritate her. Of course. That was the whole fun is that my dad will look at me because he had a few in him. And he was like, you ready for

the Christmas music? And I was like, yes, because I knew that she was going to get fucking. Why did she hate it so much? She just, she would say, no, I hate these songs. Again, like folks, she hated folks. Like you with red, red wine. I hate red, red wine, but you don't play it to agitate me like on Christmas. No, but I mean, it's not a bad idea. I'm not going to not start doing that. That's terrible with the boy. That's terrible. Yeah, that's the fun part is pissing mama. What's your red song? I'm trying to think your makes you see fuck. I definitely have some. It's just I can't really access what it is right now, you know, but you don't get as angry on arbitrary shit like I do.

No, you get angry at people like pro like incompetence makes you angry. I get mad at like irrational like songs make me angry. Yeah, I'd say I'm healthier. What that's about. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say, I'd say the diagnosis. Probably. Yeah. Well, definitely. One of us had a dad that drank in the dark. Yeah. Definitely. You're definitely the mental health champ of the both of us. I work a lot harder to stay. I heard that one. That's a funny one actually. Yeah. My dad. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's they're so sweet. They're going to come back and visit soon. I can't wait. So I had my dad and my mom when I married my mom asked him, will you ever date your mom?

I married her. That's so true this weekend. That's so true. Yeah. You married her this weekend in Atlantic City. I did. I married my mom the other day. What was the ceremony like? Oh, it was real nice in Atlantic City. Yeah. We did it right there at the Forgata. Oh, that's cool. Very cool. Yeah. It was fun. It was actually really fun. You had a good time hanging with her. I hung out. She's the slot champs. She's in the sluts, loose sluts. She's in the loose sluts, but she's not really good at it. So that's kind of real funny. That's hilarious. And the best thing is she has, she's somebody who really sucks at it, like is a perennial loser, but has all the advice for you. So I always like the whole time I'm with her, she's like, this machine doesn't pay, this

machine pays. And so you go like, okay, sit at her machine and then you're betting too much. I'm like, uh-huh. Like everything she says, I just, I keep telling her, I go, whatever your instincts tell you, do the opposite. You're the fucking cooler. Like you just kill a room. Well, I mean, is there such a thing as a strategy for slots? Well, I don't know if there, I mean, probably not, but there is, I do know this just from somebody I know who has, I'm sure he's lost a lot of money, but I know that's a lot, that want a lot of money as well. I mean, I believe you go, you get into your range and you max bet. There's no point in minimizing the bets on those things because all the, if you do hit something, the payout is if you bet more. So get like, get on a fucking penny

machine, max it. She's like, don't bet so much. Which one's the max bet on a penny? Well, I mean, some of them, no, they, they'll, it might be like a dollar a spin. If you go to like that, you know, or you can do $3 or five, or you can go to the high limit slots and bet $50 a spin, but I just don't see the, I'm like, you never win and your betting strategy never works. So try the one I'm telling you. No. No. Yeah. I shouldn't listen to you. Of course not, but I still had fun watching her. And then if it would, if she would hit something, it would go like ding, ding, ding, ding, and it would, uh, it would go like, you know, payout like $1.50. Look at you, you're fucking killing it. And do you get paid in pennies? Does it come out in pennies? No, I just, it just adds up

in, you know, it doesn't pay, it doesn't, pennies don't drop. Right. It just adds to your bank. So it'll be like, it would hit and it'd be like 70 cents. And we're like, look at you, you're probably killing it. Well, I can see the, the logic. I mean, if you're not in it for the money, just the excitement of the win. Yeah. That is it. She gets a rush, but she's always complaining that she never gets like, and it never wins any real money. Like, cause you're not betting real money. You gotta take the risk. You can get a pony up. Yeah. She won't do it. No. She's like, no, it's too much. Maybe it's good that she's not into aggressive gambling. She's so bad. Yeah. She's so bad. But your mom's good at bridge. Yeah. Well, there's no, look, there's no real,

like you are luck, lucking out on a machine. Yeah. There's no strategy. Just pressing a button. Yeah. But I just think that like, whenever she thinks it's time, I go, whenever your body tells you to get up from this machine and move, stop. Yeah. Yeah. And whenever your body says, go to that machine, walk away. In other words, stop trusting yourself. You're bad at this. Yeah. It's like when my mother used to give me advice, I'd be like, okay, I'll just do the opposite of what you said. Cause I know you're fucking crazy. Do the opposite of what you think is the best advice. And I literally would. And then my life was super happy. She told me not to marry you. She was like, you should get back together with your lawyer ex-boyfriend. I was like,

that means I got to marry Tom. Yeah. Tom's definitely in the winter. Yeah. And see, worked out. Yeah. She didn't like you at all. She didn't know you though. She's crazy. She heard voices telling her that you were, you didn't like her. Really? Sort of God. Yeah. She heard voices, but sometimes you got to trust those voices. She did. Sometimes you do. Where's that? I'm trying to find the whale dicks. No, whale dicks is right here. I was trying to find something else. But okay, we can get in the whale. I love this clip. I was just so taken with this. I remember now. Okay. What is it, Gene? No, I remember what I was looking for. Go ahead, Gene. This lady here is our whale. Look at the penis. It's coming out.

I guess it's massive whale. Yeah. It's beached. Yeah. It's so enormous. It's so cool. It's so huge. And she is an expert. And then there's like, there's a, there's a, what is that, a forklift? I mean, a tractor? Yeah. But this thing is so massive that, you know, there's a, there's a team of people on the beach and she's the scientist obviously. She's the one that that knows about the specimen. And then, you know, they stumble on the penis. Can you see the penis is being averted out from its shaft there, from the covering, with the tension of pulling on the tail. Those muscles are actually being squeezed out into pushing out the penis. It's so big. Can you hold for a second so I can show the penis? Yeah, yeah. Guys, don't pull any more

until I tell you, because we're just looking at something. He doesn't say what. Yeah, it was something. Do you know what I? It's massive. Oh, I love about her. Look at this. Look at this. I know. It's bananas. This is the sheath holding the penis. Look at these guys. All right. I didn't cut it off, guys. Come on. Do you know what I love about her? Is that everybody's like, I'm a nerd. I'm an, I play video games. I'm a nerd. Like, no, no, no. That's a real nerd. Yeah, she's a real nerd. But she, like, it's an, it's awesome. In a great, yeah. But that's a fucking nerd. She knows. Not Pharrell or whoever cool rapper. Right, right, right. A black guy with glasses isn't a fucking nerd. That's a nerd and a sweater. Well, I'm such a nerd.

I know. I'm a girl who plays video games. Like, oh, okay. I've read two books. I'm a nerd. Right. No. This lady knows everything about whales. Everything. Her life is whale cocks. Yeah. I don't know about just the cocks. She just loves licking them, holding them, sucking them. No. Getting them on her face to see them on her face. I love whale time. She loves that. This is a whale's penis. Oh, my life. This is only part of it. Notice, by the way, there's no bone in this penis. It's completely flexible. Wow. Wow. To give you an idea of the size of this cock, it's sitting on her lap as she's bent down. Yeah. And like she's holding basically, I don't know, not even half of it with one hand,

and then flapping, open-handed, the end of it, flapping it around. It's like a fire hose, but I mean, like they've already engorged it. It's actually bigger than that, you know? It actually looks like a safety cone, painted black. Or like a black person's leg. There's... Doesn't it look like a leg? No. Yeah. No. No. I think the safety cone was a better... Like imagine a safety cone, but a black one. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Not a black person's leg. It's actually probably the most amazing penis in the animal world. I love her so much. Yeah. Now here's why. That's probably... And she makes a really good point of why it's the most amazing penis. It's because they can't stop to mount. Oh, right. Because this

penis is prehensile. And when you're a whale, you can't grab another whale with your flippers and hug it and make love to it. And you don't really have very good hips. You can't really do that motion. So you got to reach the female any way you can. And this is what they use. A penis that's completely flexible that can penetrate from almost any position. Wow. So crazy. It is an amazing piece. She's right. They can't hug. They can't thrust. Like how do dolphins fuck you? We should try it. We should try this approach. What's that approach, babe? Just like no mounting, no thrusting. And what do we do? I don't know. We just have to experiment. It's just science. Jesus. Don't you like science?

So whales don't have a favorite position. You know, like there's no such thing as missionary position. All the whales are one of the few animals that do mate belly to belly, like primates. But it's because of this ultra humongous penis that they can actually even have babies. I love her so much. Wow, man. That thing is just... Don't you love chicks like this? Yeah, she's cool, man. She's like so into it. She's like the only person that knows this much about this whale's penis. Yeah, she knows everything. Super stoked about it. It goes back to about here. So that's a little bit... Damn. Joy, I know you love the penis, but we have to stop. We have got to get this whale off the beach. Are you finished at the node, then? Yes. Okay. All right. You're

steamed up. You've got so hot and dirty playing with the penis. Look at the state of you. You're unbelievable. Cute. That's cute, right? That's their little comedy. Yeah. He had to go in and, you know, look at the penis. It's coming out. Yeah. God, that is massive. It is massive. That is massive. I like the workers laughing. That's my favorite. They're like, ah. We don't change from fifth grade on. We don't change. Of course, you shouldn't. Look at that big old dick. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. It's never not something you laugh at. No. A dick? Of course. Especially because she's super stoked about seeing a whale dick. If my dad was on that beach right then, 100% would lose it. Of course. Love it.

Seven years old. Love it. Gluten-free laugh dances. Love those jokes. Oh, I got a little bar joke. Crazy. Oh, you mentioned... I figured I would, you know... I have come all over my face. I have come all over my face. I have some all over my face. We played this lady last week. That same guy will never even touch his own com or taste his own com. I've seen this happen so many times with guys. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. You posted... You posted... I are on your... No, it was the Instagram teaser that... The weekly teaser. So here's the thing. I think we should go on strike against com, a com strike. Somebody... I noticed that you noticed it. Right. Somebody was like, hey, is that... And they actually tagged this woman.

You know her name? Oh, I can find it. Yeah. Hold on. So, God, it's always weird when you play a video like this. Yeah. And then you talk a lot. Yeah. And you're a total asshole, you mean? Yeah. And then it's like, oh, it's a real person. Yeah, I hate that. I fucking hate that. And I've always felt horrible. And I'm like, oh, jeez, we shouldn't have been such... But I didn't realize something. What is her name? Oh, here she is. She's on Instagram. Charzad. Charzad. Should we get out her lap? I don't wanna... Yeah, it's okay. Okay. Charzad Morgan. Yeah. And she's written a book, which is why we wanted to kind of write... Yeah. I mean, look, she's... Here, Charzad... What kind of name is that? I don't know. Charzad Morgan. But it says... Oh, she said in that comment

that she's an escort. Which explains everything. Yeah. Because we were like, wait, why does this woman have this problem in life that these guys are just coming all over her and asking her to taste it? And well, that makes sense. If she's an escort, then she's a professional cum dealer. You know what I mean? Don't you see it in there? It doesn't say in that comment. No, here's what I have. She wrote a book called Pleasure, a memoir, and you can get it at mypleasurebook.com. So just to give her a shout out, since we shit on her so hard last week. Sorry. Charzad. We didn't know you were an escort. If I knew that, then it would have changed the game. And she has a new book coming out called What I Did for Sex and What It Can Do for You.

Oh, that's cool. So now we totally... We thought she was like a new divorcee, maybe? Yeah. Which might be true also. Yeah, who knows. But that totally changes the whole nature of the beast here. Yeah. And she did... She was nice enough that after we fucking absolutely shit all over this, where she said, well, thanks for the compliment on my teeth. Yeah, she does have really nice teeth. I know. And we complimented her. And of all the things she said, she pointed that out. She's nice lady. Yeah, she's nice. She says here, mother has a bachelor's science and computer science, MBA, and she does a TM. I know. Just like me. Just like agent genes. Just like agent genes? Agent genes. Oh, our agent does TM. Yeah. I'm the only one that's not on

yet. You're not on board the Colt train. No, but I'm going to do it because you guys got me both thinking about it so much. Girl, you got me thinking about it. Got me thinking about how much I love you. I love you. Yeah, it's good. You should try it. Just check it out if you like it. If not, then you don't have to wipe come on your face. I am. I'm meditating right now thinking about the calm. Remember, didn't the white tiger say that that she would like to draw in the essence? Yes. She would put the calm on her face and meditate and feel. How beautiful it is. Yeah. I want to talk about the white tiger's practice. Hoding the penis. Yeah. Hoding. And she was hosed by some fucking guy like the, the guy, the twin goddess activation. Some guy like that was like,

do you want to be a white tiger? And she was like, I guess. If she get a special title like white tiger. Yeah, you get a white tiger's title. Oh, do I get an award diploma? Yeah, please. So here's the thing. I think we should go on strike against calm. Okay. Well, if she's an escort, then yeah. Yeah. Okay. I think you should always wrap that thing up. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Right. Gosh. That's a whole other. That's a whole other thing, man. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah. Totally, totally not. When you use escorts, do you use a condom? Always, always. You can't play that game. Otherwise. Get burned by gonorrhea. They used to say that all the time. Yeah. When we first started dating and I was like, do you have any diseases I should know about? And you're like, well,

I got burnt by gonorrhea one time. Twice. You got burnt twice? Yeah, I did. I got burned by gonorrhea twice. It's true. But that's bacterial. So that's fine. Yeah, exactly. You can treat that. Yeah, but you still don't want it. I didn't like it. What's it feel like? I don't know. It just, it doesn't feel good. It feels better than it used to. And then good. Yeah. Does it hurt when you pee? Is that gonorrhea? Yeah. Yeah, it hurts when you pee. It doesn't look good. What's it look like? It looks like you got an infection on your dick hole. Yeah. What sluts gave you that? Oh, just fucking dirty road beef, man. Cheese, Tom. Yeah. I had a dream last night that you had sex with one of my close friends. Yeah, one of your real close friends. I

hate that because then I wake up and I'm mad at you all day, even though rationally, I know I shouldn't be unconsciously. Every time I look at you, I feel just like a shiver of hate. And then I go, oh, wait, he didn't really do anything. Yeah. But I do hate you just a little bit today. By the way, it's real cool. And it's happened throughout the course of our relationship where I would say today's definitely one of the better days. There's days where you carried anger throughout the day from your dreams. Like there couldn't be a more irrational reason to be upset. And you've been like, it's fucked up. You've, you've cited your dream as the reason you're in a bad mood before. Well, it's logical. I mean, dreams put you in a bad mood. And then I just have to remind myself

constantly that you didn't do the thing you did. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I hooked up with my friend. Yeah. I hope you liked it. I did. You gonna sex her later? In your mind. Whatever. No one's hugging up with any of your friends. You always say that. Why would you say that? That's true. No one's hugging up with any of your friends. Yeah, that's true. Why are you saying that? Because you're fucking, your friends are dog the bounty hunter. Why would you say that? They're not dogs. They're not. You gotta find it. You say that all the time. It's like a rescue clinic. That's so silly. What breed are you into? Oh my God. Christina's got him as a friend for sure. You're so crazy. Wait, just because I don't hang out with superficial Kardashian types. Yeah.

Everybody wants. I don't hang out with girls that spend all their money on lipo suction and... How about just a good friend that looks kind of like you? Would that be such a problem? Are my friends with any blondies? Yeah, sure. No, I'm not. You know what I like? That's so funny. I like grumpy brunettes. They're all my friends. Yeah. And you know what I like. So stop fucking around. Oh, that's right. You're like blondies. Maybe there's a reason I'm not friends with any blondes because you'll start sexting them. Yeah, maybe those are your... P.S. Speaking of texts, I got a very interesting one. Holy shit. Yeah, it's not Salome. So to recap, Christina changed her phone number at this point, what, a year and a half ago? And you started at first getting job

offers for a nurse. Yeah, Shanaz. She's got a lot of nursing opportunities in Florida. Boca Raton. I get the calls weekly. We're hiring in Clearwater. Yeah. God, she never gets those calls. Then out of nowhere, it was like, where are you? Aiden, where are you? Adis. Adis, where are you? Yeah. People love you still. Yeah, like that. And then it was like, you weren't at your AA today. Right. And then there was the calls when Adis checked himself out of the rehab clinic. And I got calls from his shrinks. And it was like, Adis, you can't just check yourself out of treatment. I really need to speak with you. This is Dr. Bababa. And then it was Salome. And then Salome, which is slowed down. It's been months since we've gotten a Persian voicemail on him. I feel like...

Oh, sad. Salome knows or something. Lady knows that called Salome. Well, we don't know because just when you lose hope with Salome... Yeah, then she's like, Salome, I don't know. That's somebody, by the way, I think I put it together because it's an older lady. It's somebody that has all her friends' phone numbers written down. Interesting. Every phone number in her life is written down. Yes. She has a digit off. And that's why. Interesting theory. I like that. I think it's just... Every time she hasn't called, she opens her little booklet. Her old school handwritten shit, possibly. It's supposed to be a three and it's an eight or something. Yeah. Remember that time she told Salome to put

plastic bags in the trees for the squirrels, that it warrants off squirrels. And somebody found photo of that. That's something that people do. Crazy people do. Of course. And it is a squirrel problem that severe and pervasive in California. Poor fucking squirrels. Trying to get some food. What do they do? What damage do squirrels do? I mean, at least in city life, like, okay, they're kind of annoying, but... I do have this... Wait, can I tell you what happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. So for Adis, I get a phone call yesterday from an area code. I'm not... I know I don't have friends in. Like, this is not for me. And I just let it go to voicemail because I'm with little jeans and we're riding a train. It's cute. And then I get a text from

the number. It says, hello. And I was like, do I... Like, you know, who is this? And I write back, who is this? And this person just sends a photograph of a $20 bill with just bricks of pills and writes back, Rick with the Zanis. And I was like... Man, you know who he's looking for. He's not looking for Salome Orsnaz. He's looking for Adis. Yeah. So I was tempted to write back, like, bro, this isn't Adis' phone. But then I started my maternal instinct, has kicked in, where I'm like, I don't want this dealer to know that Adis has changed his number because then he's just gonna fucking try to find him. So I'm just gonna not... I'm doing radio silence on the drug dealer. Radio silence works. Yeah. Let him figure this out on his own. I'm not gonna help

Adis get pills. Of course. It's a ton of Xanax though, if you guys are... It's a ton. Yeah, wow. I didn't know that's... I mean, I'm such a square. Like, I'm not even sure what Xanax looks like really. Rick with the Zanis. I'm like, this guy's in for it. I know the folded 20 and then just a hundred of them in the middle. That is so amazing. I gotta really cherish that one. Yeah, it's really great. So that was pretty exciting news. Yeah. We watched a good movie last night for once. What do we watch? And I fell asleep. It was a good action movie. It was fun. English people. Yeah, I really liked that one. Yeah. And there were a lot of chabs in it. Yeah. The lead is a chav. Rodeman. A lot of Rodeman were in it. Rodeman's... Oh, man. Oh, man. There was a couple

blood and fams in there. Really? Yeah, yeah. I couldn't even understand it. So the henchman would be like, blood boy. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was drinking wine last night, so I don't... I can't understand things. Yeah, you tapped out. Oh, yeah. Better watch the rest of that soon. We rented it, you know. I know. We should have bought it. It's a good one. Told you. We buy all the shitty movies, then we rent the good ones. All right. We own Jack Reach or two. Reach all the way back. Yeah, it wasn't available for shitty rent. Fuck that movie's terrible. Fuck that movie. I didn't even... I still am not finished it. I think I'm gonna finish it just to get... I'm gonna finish it just to get angry. Watch the rest of that pile of shit. I want to...

I wish I... Watching that movie really makes me wish I knew Tom Cruise just so I could be... Call him and be like, how disappointed are you in the way this turned out? You would not do that. If he was my friend? You would not do that to a friend. You don't do that to people. Do you? No, but he's so... I feel like he's the type that would be like... He would be like, yeah, the fucking director fucked this one up. Oh. I feel like he would leave with that. I think he's the kind of guy... That he's really... Because he's in Scientology and he's super positive. He's one of those people that you don't want to say something negative. That's true. Well, I think it was really positive experience

because he's one of those... Overall, there's a lot of people who worked on it and I'm so thankful that all of them came in my life. One of those fucking horseshit. Whenever people in Hollywood credit the crew, that's when I'm like... The main thing is I'm just happy to have this crew back and I'm just happy that these guys get to work. They start doing that. I'm sure that's what your main concern is. Yeah, my eyes can't roll far back enough into my head when I hear that. That's what Garth was doing last week where he's like, you know, it's really great. Is it? Everyone gets to see the grips and the light guy. Like, no, you don't... No one gives a shit and neither do you. No, yeah. You're the star and believe me, you're the ego. When shows get renewed, they're like...

The main thing is that this crew gets to work another season. That was the main... I'm sure. I was so worried about like, what are they going to do? Like, I'm taking care of... But like, these guys, that was my main concern. Right. Yeah. I'm sure you're... You wanted to make sure Wardrobe still had another... Yeah, Mother Teresa of Actors, huh? I did find this from when I did get gonorrhea. The first time I got gonorrhea. Yep. Yeah, it was me taking a piss with gonorrhea. You never had an STD at all? Not once. I mean, who knows? We'll see what happens this year. Never in college or anything like that? No, never. Never. Not one. Never at Bar Stux? No, no, never. I never have...

Because I never had sex with strangers like you. I had sex with people that I had a relationship with. One time I had one. What happened was... I got a bad bite! I got a bad bite and I got sick. And you got diarrhea? Yeah, that's true. You always knew your partner. My suitors? Yeah. Yeah, I was friends with the people I fucked. I never fucked strangers. Generally as a rule. Yeah. Still. My... I guess my numbers are pretty split on that. Some strangers, like some half strangers, half I know you. Okay. Yeah. That's so gross. Oh yeah, I know one of your special strangers. You do? You reminisce about her like once a year. No, I don't. Oh yeah. You reminisce about this one night time. I won't say it on the air,

but I'll say this. It was in a foreign country. Oh. Oh, see, look at your face light up. I talk about it in an act. I talk about it in my act. She made it into your act now? She's in my act. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm fucking talking about. You're still reminiscing. You put her in your act now? It's not positive. Yeah, but you're still like ruminating about this wonderful woman you met. I'm making a greater point when I talk about her. I'm making a bigger point. I'm going to have to watch your new hour now to see what's going on. I haven't watched you do Santa in a while because you've been out of the, you know, we've been different cities, but wow, look at that. See, I was right. She's always on your

mind this girl. She's not always on my mind. She's so special to you in your heart. She's not special to me. For real though. For real, girl. Damn, girl. Yeah, no. You're in my heart. What about her? It's not her. Do you bring out like what makes you? It's not her. Reminiscent fondly. It's not that. I'm making a point about women giving guys the go ahead and how women have to basically be more vigilant than men. Because if you're a guy, there's just a point where you don't rationally think. Now, is this the pig you got gonorrhea from? I never got gonorrhea, babe. No, that's just the point that I made though. The point that I make is just about that. It's not about it. Right. And you're absolutely right because I remember as

a young woman that dudes, all they want to do is come in you on you. And she wasn't the only one who was like, yeah, don't worry about it. Oh, hell no. Yeah. No, no, no. She wasn't the only one. Right. Which is so dangerous. There's other flusies that I was with that were like, don't worry about it. Hussies. Yeah. Heese. Yeah. Remember when you used to call your sisters, Luddy and Scuntie? Yeah, they're still saved in my phone. They got so mad. Maria was just like, whatever. Jane was like, that's disgusting. She thought this whole time. She brought this up last week. She thought this whole time I had her saved in my phone as Cunt. She goes, she goes, it's just like so fucking rude. They used to call me Cuntie and I go, I never called you Cuntie.

No. Yes, she was so adamant. I go, the nickname was Scuntie, like a Scuntie. Yeah, you dumb Cunt, do you tell her? Yeah. And she was like, oh, really? I go, yeah, you thought it was Cunt? She goes, yes. I go, no, it was Scuntie and Luddy. Well, that makes sense now. I wish she was so upset about that. Yeah. She was like, that is so fucking rude. Gosh. I know you're a Scunt, but now this scares me for our son because all these hoes will be like, you can just blow loads in me and then, uh-oh, I'm preggers. Now your life is over and you're an 18 year old boy or 16 year old boy. Well, how do you convince a young man to wear a rubber? It's gonna be tough. I don't know, man. We got to use scare tactics, I think. That's what I was just thinking. Now, what can we say to

him that'll scare him enough, Erash? It's got to be deep. We got to start now. We'll take him down a skid row. All these people didn't wear condoms. He's like, what? You start doing it like six, seven years old. Yeah, early. Which is really impressionable. And every year you're like, you want to go to no condom, bro? You're like, no. That and drugs. Do you want to take pot? This is what it looks like when you take pot. You can be homeless. Yeah. We're pregnant. We see pregnant people like, they took pot. They took pot and they smoked drugs. And then the babies grow inside of you when you do that. What? Yeah, happens to guys too. We'll say it makes your teeth fall out. We'll show them to those people and be like, if you don't wear condom, teeth fall out.

Teeth fall out. Yep. Did you do drugs? Teeth fall out. It does, right. Enough. We got to get on that soon, showing him pictures of bad things. Don't tell him that, stoopes. What's wrong with you? It's good, man. Don't, please. By the way, I think of anything, this is one of my favorite things that come in a while. You remember, obviously, right? Dug date. Of course. I remember it's duct tape. Dug date. Dug date. Dug date. So fired up. So fired up. Can we have Korean food after this? You're always into Korean food. I know, because I have to shit. Check this out. Yeah. This is crazy, man. I mean, he probably had every opportunity to put a brown paper poke over his head and poke holes in it or a plastic bag, you know, but duct tape. I mean, it's just unbelievable.

People don't think this really happened. This guy robbed a place with his face wrapped in duct tape. In duct tape. Isn't that insane to you? Something tells me drogas were responsible for that decision. Yeah. A little bit. Of course. But I mean, duct tape, man. Dug tape. Dug tape. It's bad. Yeah. And it gets even more unbelievable. During a jailhouse interview, the suspect said, police have the wrong guy. Yeah. Here he is. They call you the duct tape bandit. That's not you? Look at me. I look like a duct tape bandit, baby. I'm not no duct tape bandit. You have me. Live one on one, asking the turkey, you know, this is not me. Now look, do the math, do the homework, man. Dug tape, your ass the date. Dug tape. Yeah. Dug tape. Dug tape. I mean, this is an insane.

Police say the suspect was somewhat lucky. Apparently, the bandit was sweating so much, the duct tape didn't quite stick. But of course, he's not all that lucky. Police say they have enough evidence to make the charges stick. Yeah, that's definitely duct tape. I like his approach to denying it. Hey, man. It's not me. Look at me, man. Look at me. You know me, man. You know that's not me. Live one on one, asking the turkey, you know this is not me. Dug tape. Yeah, that is a good defense. Dug tape bandit. It's unreal, man. Judge, you know what I'm saying? Right? That shit ain't me. I'll tell you right now, one on one, man. Is it? He said one on one. Yeah, one on one, one on one. I didn't know that. I thought he said

live one on one, like maybe it's his radio station. One on one, asking the turkey, you know this is not me. I don't know. I don't know. All I know is, but all I know is that this is another guy that it's in a duct tape. That is an insane. Can you imagine all things you could cover your face with? How much that would hurt to take that off? That would hurt so bad. Yeah. I mean, don't picture just your face. What about when you're, when it's coming off the back of your head? Oh, shit. I was even worried putting on that fetish mask. You were going to wear it when you wore it at the live show because I thought it's dripping down the back. Oh, well, and also it's, you know, it's sticky. Yeah. You could, I thought people put Vaseline on their hair or

something. I don't know. But duct tape duct. There's no way you put it on. Yeah, it hurts so bad. Yeah, that's even a bandaid hurts. Could you imagine duct tape? Can I see this? That's your pronoun. Oh, just, may I plug my show this week? Please do. So I actually spoke to a non-binary person on this week's episode of That's Deep Bro. It drops Monday night at midnight. So by the time this is up, it will be there and it's on, I have a YouTube video. It's on my YouTube channel. So listen to That's Deep Bro and it was pretty, pretty informative and it makes a lot more sense now. I'm interested to actually hear it. Yeah, they did, I asked for the pronoun and they did say they'd prefer to be for Tuesday. So they were very kind and generous and very cool.

Good sense of humor about it too. Yeah, that's great. Super cool. Check it out this week. Just like, hey, hi, how are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? So we'll check that out. That's Deep Bro. All right, so big announcements. On the live date front, this week, my shows are sold out in Edmonton, Calgary, and Van Cunter, British Columbia in Canada. Here's my big add-ons I'll just tell you about. A fourth show, fourth and final show has been added at the Vic in Chicago, March 19th. That is it. There's no more. Thank you, Chicago, for all your support. If you haven't gotten tickets, now is your chance. There is three weeks until the show, so we need to scoop those up while

you can. A second show has been added April 6th in Titsburg, Pennsylvania. That is a Thursday. We added a late show. A third show has been added for Portland, Oregon, May 13th. I had to move it to the next month because the original next day would have been Easter. So I'm now coming back May 13th. Seat Rattle, Meet Rattle, Washington, also has a second show on that Friday. So that's an added show in Seattle. And there's going to be, let's see, there was one more show added in D.C., because those previous ones sold out. And there's one coming up that's going to be added that's not confirmed yet, so I can't mention it. But those are all the added shows. I also promoted Green Bay today, so I know Green Bay is coming up. Bethlehem, Pennsylvania is coming

up. Check those out. TomCigarette.com slash tour. Go to TomCigarette.com. Jean? Jean, I'd like to also announce that That's Deep Rowe has a t-shirt that you can now buy on TomCigarette.com slash, what is it? Store. Store. It's up there if you want that. Thank you everybody who came out to see me this last weekend, especially during a torrential downpour in LA on the 17th that was bananas and it was so fun. A lot of mommies. Anna at Flapper. Thank you guys. So April 13th through 15th, Brea in Prave in Brea, California. April 28th through 29th, Sacramento at the Punchline. May 4th through 5th, Fartnix, Arizona at StandUp Live. And then May 19th through 20th, Jewdork titties at Gotham Comedy Club. June 1 through 3, Denver Comedy Works at the downtown one.

June 16th through 17th, Manfran Disco at the Punchline. Tickets at ThousandRanch.com. You got a bunch of shit coming up. Well, I got something coming up. You know what I mean? I can't announce it. It's coming up. You got a bunch of shit. Finally fucking coming up guys. After years. That's great, James. Yeah, announce it officially. Yeah, but that's really great. I know. I'm so excited. It's about time. There were so many mommies that came out. The LA mommies really represented. Yeah. It was fun. Go to ThousandRanch.com and buy some tickets to see those big, mushy purples. There you go. He really enunciates. Yeah. Your dad's got a broadcaster's voice. Yeah. I was in Ranch.com. It was big, mushy purples. Yeah. He really says it well. Yeah.

You're very handsome. I love you. Thank you. I love you too. I'd like to be with you. I want to be with you. Don't give me gonorrhea. Don't fuck with my friends. Dude. Don't you have bad dreams about me and then hate me a little bit the next day? I've had yes, but not if it's never carried in because I've woken up and be like, oh, that was a dream. Yeah, but it's unconscious. It's just, I can't help it, Gene. Gene. I know Gene's my new favorite. Unless you make some new friends, you have nothing to worry about because no one's going to be... Come on. Stop it. You don't like my friends because they're not blondes. No one's going on the dog pound. Oh my God. They're not dogs. They're just brunettes. They're all grumpy brunettes. Dude, we're just having two. They're

the best. The question I get asked all the time is, what makes Monati's pizza so different? And it's not really that easy of a question to answer without going into a little bit of detail. Oh, no, please don't. Let's go behind the scenes and take a look at what we do with our cheese, what we do with our dough, what we do with our tomatoes to make this pizza unique. Our cheese is an important piece of the puzzle. It's the middle child bridging the gap between the crust and the top. It's the glue that holds it all together. It's, it's delicious. It is a beautiful thing to watch a master cheesemaker preside over a new cheese and just watch every step of the way to make sure it's perfect. And they have made us great. Great. When we talk about mozzarella cheese,

we're talking about a product that needs to be creamy. Duh. Yeah. Yeah. What's the fucking say? It's like, I don't know. Cheese is good. His cheese is really fucking, I do want to try it now, right? Don't you think this guy's probably, it's probably pretty good, right? What do we know is this LA? No. No. Somewhere in the Midwest. It's creamy, buttery. Oh, look at that little tootie-rootie. Malnotties. Ew, stop it. Stop it. Really, really good. You're annoying. I mean, really good. Stop it. Yeah, it's malnotties. That's gross. Yeah, it's really, it's gross. It was super boring and it's like a, it was boring and he's a boner. It was an exciting topic that he made boring. How's that possible? You can make pizza. That's what we look for.

My favorite one of these was the one we did at the live show where she's like, dry ponds. Now, you may have heard of dry ponds, but the dry ponds in this dry pond is a dry pond. Oh my God. A dry pond is where there used to be water. It's also, it was like really obvious. It was like, you know, when there's water, but then there isn't. Now it's a dry pond. Yeah. No, I got it. Yeah. It was so boring. Dry ponds can be either dry or ponds, but they're not both dry ponds. You're like, what are you talking about? So when the water goes away, now it's a dry pond. You're like, yep, that's how you do it. Teaching us about dry ponds. Can we talk about sinkholes for a minute? Yeah. I don't understand what's happening with a sinkhole. Why don't you understand?

Well, we had a huge storms in LA this last weekend and then in studio city, they said there was a sinkhole and that just means that what the earth just collapses and sucks in everything around it. Well, in that particular area, I mean, the answer is simply, yes. There was a sinkhole that it opened on the street level and below it was, you know, the, what's it called? Like the, the water, what is it that runs through underneath? Like a flood? Yeah. But at the tunnel, the, you know, I forget what it's called. But anyways, it's sewer? Yeah. It was like sewage lines, basically. Like an open flooded. So the water, it was raining so much that I guess that area was just susceptible to it. Swallowed two cars. Did you see that?

That's what I'm saying. So, okay. So basically it gets, But sometimes there's sinkholes, like in that area, it was above like a functioning, you know, sewage system line. Okay. So then that breaks down and then it sucks in. But there are sinkholes that happen just, you know, terrain opens up. That's what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah. Like when we used to live by the beach, I would walk to the ocean. There was one, one time on the beach. Yeah, dude. Like just out of nowhere, the sand collapses and you're like, how does that even, why and how does that even happen?

Yeah. We're just, shit is, is, uh, just crazy. Just crazier than motherfucking man. You know what I'm saying? Boo. This is gray. Yeah. We need, um, we need a boring video to explain sinkholes to us. Let's look one up. Let's see. I thought you was one. Boo. What you talking about? Crazy. Let's see. Let's go. Um, this one seems very... Earth scientists have discovered evidence in rock layers to date Earth's history on a geological

time scale at about 4.6 billion years old. Sorry. These scientists have internal and external energies that continue to alter the various land structures of Earth. These energies are for shorter versions constructive from this map of the United States. Sinkholes occur in different regions all across the USA and beyond worldwide. Oh, did you see that one? Look. This one's called How Scary Sinkholes. Sinkholes are freaky. They can happen at any time. Yeah. I don't understand. During our intro. This guy's gonna break it down. Yeah. We're gonna learn. Words I can understand.

Crazy here for DNews people and sinkholes are now in my list of things I fear most right under trapped by a wildfire and above giant spider attacks. Prison. Sinkholes. This week a man was asleep in bed in his Florida home suddenly. The Earth gave way under his house. That's what I'm saying. It was a sinkhole. He screamed for his brother who rushed in to save him, but even with those few seconds it was too long. God. He was gonna help. I know the best way to get over a fear of something is to get to know it. So here it goes. All right. Sinkholes happen when the bedrock of the Earth is slowly worn away by erosion. It's particularly common in places that are built mostly on limestone because it's so susceptible to that erosion. Under the topsoil

is a layer called the overburden. Then under that is bedrock, which sounds tough and solid, but it's actually filled with cracks and crevices. Oh, shit. That water is constantly leadling. See the water. Fuck the water. The water eats away at the rock. The overburden starts to fall down into the space. So wait a minute. The fucking water comes in, huh? Wait a minute. Not even. You're saying like if it wasn't so much water, then it wouldn't. Yeah. We got to deport the water. It's raining too much, man. We got to get rid of all the water rounded up. Oddly enough, everyone's always complaining about a drought here. Yeah. The surface is a thin crust of soil. Until a person walks over it, of course, because

it all collapses. Sinkholes. In 2010, Guatemala City was hit by Hurricane Agatha and after being slammed with 45 mile an hour, winds the rain finally proved too much and caused this gaping hole, an entire factory. The thing is 60 feet across and like 100 feet deep, it looks photoshop, but it most definitely not. Whoa, dude. Scary. Luckily, no one was injured. Guatemala City is built on ancient volcanic ash and pumice, just kind of like gravel. And when it erodes, this happens. That's nuts. And it could happen anytime. Anytime a hard rain comes or whatever, there's nothing they can do. Sinkholes. Sinkholes aren't always caused by rain or nature. Sometimes human screw things up. We're pretty good at that. Yeah. Broken sewer pipes, flooded mines. That's what you said.

Broken sewer pipes. It's all been known to cause. You know what's crazy too is like there's always this illusion that everything's fine. Don't worry about something. Oh, we're in constant chaos. At any moment, you know, it's a weird way about how the earth, the world, even in modern times, is susceptible to its origins. In other words, the natural state. That's deep, bro. No matter how many buildings, right? With, you know, big right, bro. Tron signs, you go like, well, now it's modern, but like the earth can still open up and swallow you. That's right, bro. That's fucking deep as fuck. And you're right. Yeah. Because we can build technology. We can say that we have control. We have no control over mother nature. Yeah, you can fucking zero do a tornado, make a

tornado, fucking earthquake, dude. Forget it. Good luck with your fancy freeways and your buildings when that shit happens. When the earth opens up. That's what's up, bro. As you're taking a walk. Dude, yeah. Yeah. No shit. I remember in the big earthquake in 1994, when that happened here in LA, freeways just collapsed on top of freeways. And guess what? If you're fucking under it, like you're just dead, you're gone. Of course you're dead. I know I have a, you know, the one thing about that is as much scarier is that there's sudden, I live through a bunch of hurricanes in Florida. That's terrifying. At least you have warnings, you know, the warnings that changes a lot because they're like a hurricane is coming. Then you're just fucking dumb if you're

around for it. Why do people stay? Cause like there are people that fucking stay. Well, I've learned over time and it's a, it's a mixture of dumb people and poor people because poor people really think about like, I don't have the means to travel or stay somewhere. I never thought about that for a long time, but it is true. But then there are dummies. Like there are ones who are like, I don't give a fuck. You know what? I didn't get killed last time. Like shit like that. And then they stick around and die. Like don't, they risk it. Yeah, they risk it. And then they just get screwed. I wish we could, I mean, they've tried forever. They've been trying forever to develop an earthquake system. Like they could give us warning at least like a few minutes because that would help

tremendously. But you're, you're just fucking screwed, dude. It's fucking, yeah. It's a nightmare. That's why I don't like doing much. I feel like the less I do, the safer I am. The better you can do is like just stay home all the time. All the time. Our house is super safe. We're safe in here, I feel like. I think so. Unless there's a sinkhole beneath us. Fuck. So I think about that every night. Put that in your dreams. Put me with one of your friends having sex in a sinkhole in your dreams. Oh my God. Real scared. The good news is you have life insurance. Please make some better looking friends. Babe, they're all good looking. They're just brunettes. No. You like blondes. No, you got a bunch of fucking. What about you?

Not true. Whatever I hear that, I'm like, oh, your friends are here. What about your dog pound? Your fucking dog friends. Oh, your friends are Bowser's too. I got GQ, Q squad. Oh, bullshit. The BD, GQ. You guys are a derelict. The hobo squad. That's your fucking squad. That's what you're into. You like that. You like that hobo. I am actually wanting to do it for you. Hobo squad. Whenever I see a hobo looking guy, I'm like, my wife would like you. Come over. Do it for you, man. Just like the game. Stupid. It's just like the game. I was like, would you ever want to date your mom? Gosh, I hope those people fall into singles and dum-dums. You want to see a dad boner

lightning strike guy? Always. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. We got it, baby. We got it. We got it. We got it. Yes. Listen to that. Listen to that. Oh, baby. I know. Excited dads is my favorite thing. Me too. Blueban, can you put a compilation together of all excited dad footage that we've had? So many excited dads. We need a master compilation of this shit. Oh, again. Again. That's a twofer. That's a twofer, baby. Yes. That's a twofer. Twofer, baby. Oh my goodness. Is he a professional? Yes. He's a professional lit. I don't know. He looks like he's in a broadcasting kind of jacket, you know? Right. And he's outside. It's snowing like crazy. I mean, there's, I don't know how

much snow is on the ground and there's lightning and that's his reaction every time he sees lightning. Yes. Again. That's a three. You've got to be kidding me. You've got to be kidding me. Why is he so stoked about lightning? It seems like he's, it's a television guy, right? There's somebody behind him and he's lit and stuff. It's not like a home video. This isn't a home video. I've really picked up in here and there's another one. That's number, you've got to be kidding me. Wow. How can this guy have a job? How does he have a job? Looks terrible out there. I would go inside. Yeah, it's horrible. You can have your $500

million jackpot in Powerball or whatever the heck it was, but I'll take this, baby, four, four lightning strikes, four episodes of ThunderSnow. Okay. ThunderSnow, huh? That's his show. That's his jam. ThunderSnow. These people watch lightning strikes. He would rather not have a half a billion dollars, he just said, than see lightning strike. You can have your jackpot. I just saw lightning strike four times. Yeah, I don't feel like it's that exciting. I feel like I've seen it. It's definitely not that exciting. I mean, I'm excited for him, but I'm not that excited. Neither am I.

I would stab him in front of his children to get $500 million. So would I. Yeah. He's crazy. I mean, this is just a total change. Literally within an hour. Was that another one? What's up? Oh my God. Dude, that's number six. You've got to be kidding me. Dude, I'll tell you, this is Chicago. Put stuff, this is Chicago all over again. We're just sitting in the middle of it.

Just like all over. So he's already, wow. I've never seen someone get this excited about lightning. It's really exciting for him. There's nothing more exciting on earth than that. What is, is there anything you could get this stoked about? I mean, you know, it's like he has one passion and it's fucking lightning. That's his jam. You know what I'd be excited about? Dude, that's number six.

I'd like the baby. I'd like to see the Aurora, the Borealis. Yeah, but there's nothing that you ever react like. I mean, I've seen you go about them trying to think. I get excited about the dads. Yeah. You get excited about seeing them. But I don't know if there's anything that you feel that passionate about. Like that, like that.

Like that time I met Kim deal from the pixies was pretty amazing. I was really excited about that. You're fun to surprise because you get excited on surprises. Yeah. The time I flew your friend out. That was the best day ever excited. That was the most exciting time. Yeah.

That was super fun. Yeah. Yeah. That was a good surprise. Yeah. That was so clever. She's cute, by the way. She's totally cute.

I know. Kidding me? She doesn't live here. You know, you can't bring her. Exactly. Fly around. But exactly talking about your accessible dog pound. You're so stupid.

Which one of your friends is a winner? Dude, they're all. Which one of your friends is a big catch? Let me see. Huh? They're all fucking. Your friends? Yeah.

Was that another one? We got it. Fucking nerd. Yeah. He's a super nerd. What can I? I'm not. I mean, Brussels Grafane.

I'm so our son. But even like, what could Alice do that would make me that? Yeah. No, the boy makes us pretty excited. Yeah. Yeah. With a good reason. Yeah.

But no, I don't see us. I don't know. I definitely don't get you always make fun of me for not. Oh, you have no feelings or that's not true that I have no feelings. You don't have excitement or you seem to get excited watching football games. No, there was you know what you get excited about? Yeah, football killers, like serial killer murder shows. I don't get excited about them.

You never get. I mean, it's literally like, Tom, I'm pregnant. You're like, oh, yeah. No, that's also a lie. You're a fucking liar. You exaggerate. You weren't as excited as that. Big news, big news.

You weren't as excited as I thought you'd be when I announced like pregnancy. You're like, well, that's great. Yeah. And then I know you're like, great. Yeah, I'm going to barbecue. And then you barbecued. What? You went outside and you barbecued.

That's not true. Yeah. I didn't go. That's great news. I'm going to barbecue. That's not how you went. You went, oh, neat. I didn't say that.

You didn't get super stoked. And then you're like, all right. And then you just started barbecuing. You're so full of shit. What do you get? You don't get excited. You know, you like rappers and stuff. Like you get stoked when you meet rappers, not like that.

But yeah, I get excited. Come on. I got excited when we were having a baby. I was like, oh baby. Okay. That's how I was. Toy. Please act like I wasn't excited.

Please. Speaking of babies. What's this? Somebody said in a baby doing this. Let's see how it is today. I'm discussing this stuff, doing stuff. I'm a good kid. This baby is just glassing.

Just glassing and stuff. All right. Is that Tanya? I don't know. Tanya said that maybe? Yeah, it's just Tanya. Excellent work, Tanya. Getting them young.

I'm just glassing them stuff, doing stuff. It's a cute kid. Cute kid. Doing stuff. Cute little glassing kid. Totally. Oh, so apparently this is you. Oh, God.

Doing stand-up. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see it. Whatever it is, it's stupid. Having vocal fry. Oh, shut the front door. Yeah. Let's see what it says here.

Oh, stop it. Please don't. Submitted evidence of Christina's vocal fry. Oh, stop it. Snippets of her old stand-up. I don't want to watch it. Okay. You're so shitty.

I won't put it up, but let's do here first. Please don't. Wait, let's see if you have vocal fry. Oh my God. Please don't play whatever you're going to. It went like this. Okay, fine. Great.

There's my vocal fry. So you had it there. Well, I was probably like this. I was probably going low in the register to do a joke about like that. That's true. All right. That's on a punchline.

Yeah. You're like, yeah. Yeah. Now I have the video. Would you like to see the video? No, I don't. Thank you. I don't want to see the video.

You have old stand-up especially. I don't want to see. It's so painful. Yeah, I'm not the kind of person that enjoys everything I do. That's so old. I love your bank. That's like 10 years old, babe.

I love your bank. That's when we lived in the Rampart Division. I had banks. Let's take a quick look. No, I don't want to watch my old jokes. Let's take a quick look. You're an asshole and I'm going to get you back. If you do it, we're watching your first year.

I'm going to find it. You got all your stand-up, by the way. Every fucking thing you've ever done on CD or VHS. Can we do this though? No. Let me finish my sentence. Whatever it is, no. No, that's not okay.

Can we pull it up and pause it just so I can look at you? So I can look at your hair. You're lying because I know what you'll do. I've known you for 12 years. So it's muted. What's muted? The volume on the clip? I just want to look at your hair.

Oh my god. It's so embarrassing. This was a badge. Oh, I had good teeth though. And look at those gold earrings. What phase was I going through? God, that's so old. I love that hair.

And I like those earrings, too. Look how skinny I was. I was wearing a name plate. My mom gave me from Brooklyn. Oh, yeah. I was wearing big gold hoop earrings. God, I was going through like some kind of... I was wearing rock aware a lot that year for some reason.

I don't know what kind of phase this was. Oh, man. Yeah. Not look good though. You look great. Skinny tan. This is when we first started dating. You look great.

It's like 10 years ago, boo. God, you look great. Wait, more. Really? This is when I was... When we first started dating, I went to Korea this year to do stand up. That's...

Yeah, you went to Korea after we... I mean, not more than 10 years. This is right when we... I was working as a writer still. You look great. I was working at... Bank... I don't want to say the name of the company,

but I was working as a writer. I got my spank bank ready to go. Great. Nice. Banks are not a good look for me. I thought they were great. I love those banks. Are you fucking serious?

100% serious. Yes. I like them a lot. They're really uncomfortable. I don't care about that. I care that it looks really good. It looks so light. I was uncomfortable.

It's uncomfortable because they grow past your eyebrows really fast. And then you have to constantly get them trimmed. It's like the never-ending quest to keep your banks the right length. And if they get too long, then they're in your eyes. It sucks.

They get hair in your face all the time with banks. What was I thinking? A nameplate? Oh, that was the time the sex in the city was big and everyone was wearing one because Sarah Jessica Parker had one. Look at your tits situation. That is so old.

My tits were great. You know why? They weren't that big. They were Cs because I was skinnier. I was about 10 pounds lighter than I am now. And my tits were manageable. Maybe Ds, 1D, 10, no wrinkles yet. Oh, man, that was a good time.

Look how cute I was back there. You're confident too. Look at how you... For that long ago, you're super confident. You think? I could tell when I've been listening to it. I hated myself. Yeah.

I could tell like the way that you're performing. Who's wearing rock-a-wear? That's a rock-a-wear jacket. Look at that fucking eye contact. Jesus, Jesus. This was a disaster this comedy time. So these people would tape your sets and everyone signed away their rights 10 years ago.

And if you bombed that night, they didn't care. I didn't give a shit. So, and then you'd ask them, can you take that fucking down? They're like, nope, you signed the paperwork and they fucked over so many comics who ate shit on comedy time. And they also stream it now.

So they get paid on that. Such fucking turds. I would never do that again. I think we didn't know. It was like the beginning of the internet when people were putting stand-up up. Yeah. We didn't know.

Signing away. Yeah. So bad. Scumbags. Total scumbags. Scumbag. Well, I'm glad I had vocal fry on their fucking thing. Yeah.

Comedy time, douchebags. I don't know. So that was sent in. Thanks, guys. Thanks for scouring the internet, finding shit 20 years ago and road rules or 10 years ago. This here is a, it looks like this lady

seems to have accidentally taken the wrong drink at Starbucks. In other words, they put something, I think she took the wrong one and she fucking loses her mind. I am. You know, the first week that she took that drink, they're like fucking lying to him. So I feel like there's something.

Look at everybody else's face. They're like fucking white people. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. She's having a panic attack. Dude, white people are the worst. Yeah. That's such asshole.

That's a great title for a special too. White people are the worst? Yeah. I'm writing it down. Yeah. It's a really good title. You got it. Let's see.

Holy shit. She's mentally ill. Yeah. So do you understand? I understand. I think what happened now. She said, you said that the next thing was going to be mine. So, and then in the second or in the third week,

so they keep saying like your drink's coming. But your drink, she's never paid. Yeah. And look at this, this person right here. This is the best. Laughing like, look at this psycho. Worried about a fucking drink. Starbucks.

Crazy person. And that's Starbucks employee. You got to give credit. It's like really patient. Really understanding. Great company. Yeah. I've always liked that.

Because part of you wants to go like, hey, are you fucking serious right now that you're freaking out that I said your drink was next and it's not. You see these cups? Yours is one of these. Chill the fuck out. I know. It's called just placed anger.

She just takes a, she just takes one of those 160 degree cups and just throw it in that lady's face. That was your drink to fuck out of here. Lick it out, bitch. Yeah. She's, well, she's got other problems. You can tell by the outfit. Something's not right.

I feel like this type of behavior is tolerable in about seven countries in the world. And everywhere else, somebody just sticks a straw in your neck. Just like drink out of that bitch. Well, yeah. Could you imagine doing this and like in Guatemala where the sinkhole happened? They'd be like, what?

Why are you stressing? You're retarded. So we'd yell at you, throw you on the street. There I am. I'd rest you. Crazy person. Someone would beat you and no one would stop it. And then when the police came, someone would be like,

that bitch was going crazy about her drink. So I kicked her and they'd be like, okay. Yeah. Cause I don't even think in like Eastern Europe, this shit would never have in Hungary or Budapest. If you didn't get your drink right, they'd be like, fuck you. Get out of here.

Oh, okay. There's no such thing as the customer being right in other countries, by the way. That is what the problem is, is that the customer's always right. And that is a lousy mantra. It's a stupid mantra. It's the, they're not always right, dude. And if you've worked in customer service, you fucking know

that there's a lot of crazy people out there. Too crazy. Really? Yeah. That's what's going on here. No, no, no. Customer's not right. See, calm down.

She's definitely crazy though. Yeah. Yeah, she's going to fucking email us this week. I saw that I was on your podcast and I was very excited. And you look bad. I, can I admit something? She's making me so crazy. I can't even handle it anymore.

I know. But can I tell you something? Like honestly, deep down, when that happens to me, I panic a little too. And I'm like, when's my drink coming? Like when you see other people getting theirs before you and you know you were here before them. It's definitely something you recognize and a feeling, but reacting like that's not okay.

I don't let it out, but I have it. I do have it. Of course. I have panic about it. You're like, but that's what you do is your eyes are like, and then you go, is mine like that? Is there one there for Christina? Is there a time?

And then they go, what is yours? You're like, it's, I think it's that cup or something. Your eye's gone. That's totally. Oh yeah, we'll be there in a minute. Okay. You don't go like, you don't do that. Cause that's too far.

That was a child's temper tantrum. Yeah. You know, it's how children react. That's how I feel. I feel that way a hundred percent. Four year olds feel like that. Right. But then as an adult, you go, oh, that's not appropriate.

Yeah. You can't, you can't react that way. It's dead face. It's so great. You thought that was yours and now you're flipping out. Crazy white lady. Crazy white lady. That is, by the way, a crazy white lady thing.

Crazy white lady. Crazy white lady. Right in the doubt. I like crazy white lady. That's pretty funny actually. Oh, I guess I would play a cup before. Crazy white lady's good. Before we leave.

But I need to have a joke about it. Yeah, I know. You can't just have a close. You fill your mind with different idea names, you know, and then you figure out. Crazy white lady. White people are the worst. White people are terrible.

They really are. The reason everything sucks. It's so true. We try to culturally dominate everybody else. We think we're the best. Yeah. We're just douchebags. We've ruined the world.

Absolutely. Hey, mommy. How's it going? Good. Just glass and numbing. I'm saying I just get a medium iced coffee with toasted almond, coconut. Could you just fluid bomb that with some skin milk?

Yes. And I'm going to be fat like Bart and get whipped cream on top. And could you just fill it up and seal it shut? Sure. Awesome. And that's it. Sure. How's it going?

Thanks, Sheen. That was an exemplary. That was Sammy. Sammy. Holy shit. That sounded scripted. Yeah, it was great. She got so many in there.

So many. She closed it on fill it up and seal it shut. Can you fluid bomb that? Amaze. And he like the timing was perfect. He didn't do it. Uh, what? He's like, yep.

Yep. Nope. Problem. Yep. You got it. That was perfect. Thank you, Sammy. Wow.

Jerry here. I see your Jack Munchie meal. And I was wondering if that comes high and tight or if only in the medium size. Sorry? I said I was glassing in my hammock. And I see your Jack in my hammock. And I was wondering if that comes high and tight

or just in medium. It's just one size. Just one size? Okay, I'll take that one size. And which one is going to be? I'll take the chicken and tender double pump classic. Chicken and tater? Yeah.

Yeah. That'll be it. And what size of plate will you take? I'm the water champ or the interim water champ. So I'll take a water and I'll take a power aid. So it's about a water and a power in the side? Can you do the water in a cup? Thank you.

So it's a power aid? What flavor? What flavors do you have, Jeans? Cherry, lime, raspberry, orange, grape, strawberry, lemon, and fruit punch. Definitely do cherry. All right. Cherry? That'll be a maze.

Anything else? I don't want to be fat like Bert. So yeah, that'll be it. It's amazing. That's Jerry. Here's Zach. Okay, hey, hey, hey, Larry. Can I get any of the four for four deal?

It's always crazy. The junior bacon cheeseburger. It's always crazy to hear that. And a coke high and tight. Yes, please. Okay, I'm going to talk to the nuggets. Some ranch. Okay.

That's going to do it. $5.96, something like that. Thank you. All right. Thanks, Jeans. Love you. The Hay Hitler. Fuck, man.

I know that Hitler's are just, and he did one of those. Sometimes people go like, hey, look like that. It's real. They kind of like kind of hide it. Yeah. He did a clear one, you know, full. Okay, hey, hey, Larry, can I get that? So that's like on that super cut.

That guy goes, thank you, Hitler. It gets me every time. This doesn't, it never gets old for me. I know. I could watch these all day. Somebody did one of these. Hey, mommy, can I get a Bristol stool chart, number two sausage shaped olympic?

Whoa. Yep, number two. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Jeans. Wow. Hey, can I ask you something? Would you ever date your mom?

Would you ever date your mom? I mean, it's just like the gaze here. It's just like, it's just like some crazy people out there thought that. Yeah. Well, they were, no, they were like, they were in love. No, no, I'm talking about dating your mother. You can. So they said, no, I would not date my mom.

Oh, no, I would. I would say no. You say no? Yeah. Okay, I'll mark. Physically dating. All right, I will mark you down as a no. I mean, the woman that gave birth to you,

that nurtured you in her womb. Once you come out of that, there should be no going back. Yeah, you don't go. Yeah, I say the same. I do. I'm hungry. I like it with a knife. Oh, he makes it crazy brown.

All right, thanks. Oh, no. Wow. Is she threw in a thanks Hitler? Rachel and Sean, she ran into what people are not used to running into, which is somebody engaging. A person. Yeah.

Instead of someone being like, no, no, I wouldn't, whatever. He was like, wait, what? It was like really thoughtful, articulate guy who was like, what are you saying? Yeah, what are you saying? How is it like the gaze? Yeah, exactly. That guy didn't throw that away. He was like, that is a dumb thing.

That you could possibly say because it is. It is, it is, it is the dumbest thing. Well, yeah, I mean, that's why that's the dumbest comparison. So that guy goes, how is that? Which is exactly what you should think when somebody says it's like the gaze. But I love how she really plays it off. And she was like, it's just, it is wrong. It's what some people say.

Like she really was like, wow. She sold herself like asking the question. She sold herself like asking the question. In other words, she made it seem like it's a worthwhile. She's like, they're saying. They're, it's a debate. That it's a debate in the world. I'm going to mark you down as a no.

Right? Right. She's taking a survey. Holy shit. Genius level. Yeah, that was really. Genius, Sammy. That's her name?

Sammy and Sean, I think it said. I don't know. Genius, genius level. No, Rachel. Sorry, Rachel. Rachel and Sean. Genius, really good stuff. And then this guy.

I'm taking a survey. Hi, welcome to when you go ahead or whatever you're ready. Cheese. Could I please get a number two in the mouth through a hammock? Just the sandwich. A number. Sure.

Sure. One. Cheese and ketchup only. Suber-sized. Suber-sized. With a throatzilla to drink. We don't have Coke Zero in the drive-in for your regular Coke. Oh, that's fine.

All right. And I'm sorry. What did you say about the fries? Suber-sized, please. Do you want regular-sized? Suber-sized. Well, our largest size is large. Does that work?

Oh, yeah. Yep. Okay. Anything else? Oh, my God. Five-piece nugget. We have four or six. Oh, sorry.

I'm not glassing. I can't see. Just a six. Six? Any sauce aside? Oh, Bert's going to want lots of ranch, please. Lots. Lots of ranch.

Yep. All right. Anything else? Nope. That'll do. All right. And do you want anything special on that double? No, thanks.

Okay. All right. Let me 1547 at the first window. Thanks, mommy. Unreal. Suber-sized. Suber-sized. And then stuck with it.

Yeah. Didn't go with the large. No. Suber-sized. That was a maze. She's like, I think large is there. And then he said the, oh, it was the other one he did. That was good.

Throatzilla? Throatzilla. Yeah. That was crazy. She goes Coke Zero. We don't have that. God, that's a maze. This is, I'm Taking a Shit, Homie by Ramsay McQueen

as our clothing song. Oh, wow. Okay. It was a lot of fun today. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Gene. We enjoyed you as always. Thanks for listening.

And we'll see you next week. It's fluid bond soon. Your mom's house podcast.com. Thousand Ranch.com. TomCigarette.com. We'll see you next time. Thanks, mommies. It's just dude.

This kid crawls under a stall in the bathroom. But I'm thinking that look in his eye is revealing. He's touched? I think so. Either he's touched or he's on drugs. Like he's tweaking on something and he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. You'd never crawl under a stall.

I don't think he did shit, Homie. Hey, what's he doing? What's he doing? What are you doing? Hey, my boy, I'm taking this shit, dawg. I'm taking this shit. My boy, I'm taking this shit, dawg. I'm taking this shit.

What's he doing, my boy? I'm taking this shit, Homie. He's definitely taking a shit. I actually can't believe how much this kid kept it together. That's taken a shit. I think 98% of the population would not be able to view it this way.

I know I would. I would. I'd be like, dude, I'm shitting. I'd be like, dude, I'm shitting. Bro, I'm shitting. I'm taking this shit, Homie. Dude, I'm shitting. Bro, I'm shitting.

Bro, I'm shitting. All right, here comes Rob Rod. What are you doing? Hey, my boy, I'm taking this shit, dawg. I'm taking this shit. My boy, I'm taking this shit, dawg. I'm taking this shit. What's he doing, my boy?

I'm taking this shit, Homie. I'm taking this shit. He is taking a shit. It's kind of scary because at the end, the guy that crawled under the saw is really close to the camera. Yeah. He didn't walk that way. He didn't walk towards the door.

He walked towards the door. And then it abruptly stops.