Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 386-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 8, 2017

When you're on a plane and you're bleeding from your tumors you just need people to MOVE. Jean and Tom break down their one night getaway and how Tom's browns have changed for the better since he cut sugar (mostly).  Plus Tina gets grossed out by a gagging video and we have some new really boring stuff to play for you.  Some fashion is absurd and we gladly make fun of it. How do some guys tolerate ball kicks? Are you one of those guys? could you drop us a line?  We are more than honored that the President spoke our name. Please enjoy these fresh pressed jeans. 

This is real, a guy called on the, like the 1-800 number for that, you know, the actor Jeffrey Dean Morgan Sausages. He has a, you know, a 800 number where I guess people can leave a message. How would you even? This guy left that long message where he's really upset that they changed the size of the Sausages on the show. Huh. I'm a testimon Main. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Ginny, Ginny, Boon! I'm a- I'm a testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff!

Ginny, Boon, Fuck! Come on! Eat! Goddamn it! Ima- I'm a testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Ginny, Ginny, Boon! Ima- I'm a testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Fuck! Come on! Eat! Love yourself for 30-something years. But I can't take your feet to family of five

on a little 12-ounce roll of salt. I don't mind paying you more money for your 16-ounce roll of salt. But you don't have it in you. You got a 12-ounce roll. And you got three men that weigh over 200 pounds. It's a little plump, tough girl. And a daughter who's 13 and you're gonna try to take a 12-ounce roll of salt. And a couple of dozen eggs can be bad.

It ain't gonna work. And I'm not gonna purchase your product ever again. And as far as you think you can pronounce it later with faith, I don't eat that. Ima- Ima testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Ginny, Ginny, Boon! Ima- Ima testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Fuck! Ima eat! Goddamn it!

Ima- Ima testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Ginny, Ginny, Boon! Ima- Ima testimonндay. Ginny, Boon, Stoff! Ginny, Boon! Fuck! Ima eat! Put it in your pocket, put it in your pocket, roll it across. Don't have it there. Don't have it in your pocket. Don't have it in your pocket. Don't have it in your pocket. Don't have it in your pocket. Don't have it in your pocket.

Fuck this shit up. Amazing. Fade money, yeah. Fade money. Fade money. Fuck! Ima eat. Goddamn it! Goodbye. Michael and Sage. That was Ramsey. We always have fucking...

We definitely have. I mean, that's Ramsey McQueen with Jimmy Dean. I like how he hates the Maple and Sage. I hate that shit too, dude. You do. He's saying that that's a northern... Yeah. That's a northern uppity. Well, he right about that. I don't like him fancy either. I agree.

You know, I don't like... I'm a Texas man. I don't eat that gay shit. I agree. I don't like that gay shit either. And you know, even Traders Joe, they have these fancy fucking sausages, like chicken and deli with the chunks of apple in there. It's fucking nasty, dude. Nasty.

You're nasty. Why you gotta be so nasty all the time? I agree. I like just like... I want it salty and greasy. I don't like the road, the herbs and all that shit. Nasty. This is nasty.

I like classics now. Kind of makes me feel like... Whoa! The board is back. Oh! Yeah. Finally. I know.

God damn, we've been... Sounded? Yeah, you're like on circumcise as I recall. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a sommelier being like, Oh, you like milebacks. Yeah, this is a sommelier.

Is he right? Sommelier. How does he say? Sommelier. Sommelier. It's back, man. Yeah. Oh!

Yeah. I feel like it's a long time. Oh my God. I feel like my dog is back from the groomers. You know, we had the sound engineer come in. We had a great guy. Scott came and oddly enough, knew this space. Isn't that bananas?

That is really crazy. Now, I'll tell you the story. So I was at Flappers doing shows and Scott comes up to me and he goes, Hey, he works at Flappers. He goes, Hey, just so you know, I know the person who owned the house before you. I know that studio. I'm the sound engineer that worked for the guy that owned the studio.

That composed beautiful music. That composed. Yeah. Yeah. Like scored so many movies in this room. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't, he gave me his card and I immediately gave it to, because I know we've been having issues in here.

He scored wonderful music to beautiful films and now you guys are like, I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah. So, Yeah. You gave me his contact. Yes.

I called him and he came out here and he helped solve the mystery. God damn. Yeah. Now, wait, hold on. Back to this meat, flavored meat discussion. Yeah. Now the one caveat. Yeah.

Okay. Now you're just showing off because in the last episode I had a really big burp. Okay. A really big bite. So now here's my one thing I like. A really big bite. I really like a, I like Whole Foods seasoned bacon that we've been getting lately.

I got a bad bite. Yeah. Yeah. That's really good. They have the jalapeno garlic. It's unbelievable. Now that they do at Whole Farts. That's what they do right there.

The butcher does it. I don't know if they do it right there. Yes, they do. They do. Because sometimes they don't have it. Yeah. And I ask them, where's the flavored bacon? Mm-hmm.

And then he says, well, we have the bacon in the back, but we haven't seasoned it yet. And I go, well, fucking chop chop, bro. Yeah. Get on it, dude. I got. You got, you got time to fucking put on that hemp hat. You can't fucking season the bacon.

Well, not like that. I got a 12 year old girl to feed. Yeah. I got a heavy Scotch woman. I noticed that guy kept saying the name wrong. It's Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Right. Sausages.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Sausages. Yeah. You're in an awfully good mood today. Why is that? I don't know. Why is that, Bobby? I don't know, Trish.

Was it Trish last night or Karen that came out? Oh, no. It was, it was a, it was a Trish night. Jews. Jews. Yeah. Yeah. How do you know the difference now in between?

It doesn't take a lot. Karen and Trish. It doesn't take a lot to figure it out. More of a Trish girl was that last night. Hey. Hey, did you wire tap our room? Yeah. Yeah.

It was fun. It was fun. You're big. Look, you know. You're a P-I-G. Well, I had to get, I had to get fucked up, you know. P-P-P-I-G. I had to drink like a whole bottle of Thunderbird and then I can do it.

Oh. I want to love you. P-I-G. Pretty young pig. Yeah. It was fun. Was that, was that what that song was about? I want to love you.

P-I-G. Yeah. That's what it's about. Should we do a proper show open? Yeah. Jeffrey Dean. Now that my board's back. Oh my God.

I'm so happy. I got a bad bite. I got a bad fucking bite. All right. Here we go. Show is rolling. Let's do this. Sound good.

I got a bad bite. I'm going to be open. I'm bleeding all over my vagina. Blood. Straight blood. All over this. So get the fuck off the mother fucker plate so I can get off the plane. There's myself in here.

Because I'm embarrassed. This year's big time. Oh, it's Randy. Totally. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo mama in the fucking stand. Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Don Segura. Don Segura. And Christina Pugettsin. Christina Pugettsin. Welcome to your mom's house. Oh, it's really good now. Yeah. We're going to go to the beach now.

Meet the guitar. Stupid. Real quick before I forget, a lot of people enjoyed and then a lot of people complained about the live podcast that went up. Oh boy. Here's what I can tell you, man. I had no problem playing it on. I listened to it on the podcast app on my phone.

Sound totally normal. Listen to it on iTunes. Sound totally normal to me. And I noticed that all the comments were back and forth. Someone would be like, you can't hear it. And the next person would say, you can hear it fine. I can tell you. It's the file that we got from them.

And I've sent it now, which is, I guess, too late, but I sent it to another engineer to see if they can do some type of treatment on it. See if they can fix it and I'll re-upload it. I'm waiting on that answer also for the late show with Yoshi. So if they can make it any better, I will gladly pay for that and then upload it then. That's where it's at. I got so many messages that said it's fine. And then the other people would be like, it's not. I can't hear a thing.

I don't know what to tell you. So it's weird that that many people are, you know, having conflicting issues with it. Who knows, Gene? I don't know what to tell you. We're just going to have to wait. We'll just wait. We'll just see. Gosh, I'm so thirsty.

Let me see if I have my water. Oh, I do. Where's yours? It's right here. It's called La Croix. It's not as good as Zivia. It's so much better than Zivia. You may have noticed I sabotaged your Zivia and I put in all La Croix.

I did notice. Wait till you see what's arriving at the house later though. Oh, shit. It is the mother load of Zivia. Where do you even get these disgusting drinks? It's over 80 cans coming. Shut the front door. Yeah.

Where do you get them on Amazon? Yeah. Yeah. Using your mom's house podcast.com. Banner. Yeah. Click on it. Banner.

What disgusting ass flavors did you get? I learned. I didn't. I'm not as into grape. I like the grape. That's like the one thing I like. My favorite one is the cream soda. That's okay.

Oh, I like that one. I got the black cherry. I like that one. And I got some Dr. Zivius. I like the Dr. Zivius. That's what I figured you would do. Yeah. I do like the grape though.

I wish you'd up that grape game. Okay. I didn't know. You never mentioned it. You were always like. So that's why I didn't do it. If you would have said it, I would have done it. Show me again.

I want to squish your balls like that. Video. We've been watching. We've been watching that a lot. Send it to everybody. Two hands. Send it to Roman. I haven't talked to Roman in like a year.

Yeah. He just sent me one of those. What is it? GIF? It's actually pronounced GIF. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

You're supposed to say GIF. Shut up. I swear to you. Who's saying that? The guy that invented that code. Well, then he should have put a J. A J. Yeah.

J-I-F is a GIF. GIF is G-I-F. We learned this on fucking Sesame Street. I'm not debating it. I just know I read all about the discussion about it. And it basically is like, it's 100% GIF. Damn. But the world has said, fuck you.

To his request. Yeah. So yeah. Well, then again, I should have been in a J-I-F. I like how you're like, well, yeah, you know. I gotta tell you, you know. Well, you know, it's like you're going to demand that we all say it the wrong way. It's an irrational want.

Sorry. I don't know your fucking pronoun. You know what I mean? I don't know your fucking pronoun. He's demanding that I call him Zimzer. And I don't even know it. I don't, you know. By the way, these fucking cunts.

Okay. So people, you know. Wait, what the video? We haven't talked about the video. What video? That we've been watching. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not get off track too much.

Okay. You're right. You're right. Yeah, so. But don't forget. Put a pen in it, as they say in the corporate world. Mic. Mic.

We'll circle back later. Yeah. We'll have the box. If you don't mind. God damn. I hate all that stuff. I know. It's so oppressive.

So Micronin sent me this, you know, like 10 second video. And I opened it and it shows an apartment complex on fire. And you're like, oh, okay. What's going to happen here? Yeah. And then it jump cuts to a lady kicking a guy in the balls naked. Yeah. And then punching him in the balls.

Yeah. And then, and then kneeing him in the balls. And then it ends with her grabbing his balls and lifting him up by them. And they're enormous. But it's also edited to jitterbug by Wham. You know, wake me up before you go. Oh, is that it? Yeah.

Jitterbug. Yeah. Okay. Wake me up. Before you go. Go. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And they also edit the editing is phenomenal. And then when she grabs his balls and lifts him up, it's when the horn goes. So it, it matches that. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. It's really great.

We can't play it on the show because the audio gets flagged, the video will get flagged. Everything gets fucking flagged. Yeah. Fucking flags. Fucking flags. But I fucking flag in your ass. Yeah. Tell him, babe.

Yeah. Tell him. I can't get over is the perfect music that goes with it and how large that man's balls are his balls. God damn. I'm sure we've talked about this before. I'm not against anyone's kinks, like whatever gets you going. Sure.

How do you not vomit? If you're a guy, like women don't understand this. I mean, our son has just stepped on my balls and I'm like, oh my God. And I double over. Yeah. And this guy's multiple punches, kicks. God. I'm saying, forget if you like it.

How does your body not just shut down? I don't understand. I don't know. Hey, maybe we should ask if you like getting your balls kicked and hurt. Does anybody out there like that? I'm sure. Yeah. How do you deal with the pain?

How does your body not shut down? And I'm also amazed at the size of those man's balls at the end. They're huge. I've never seen balls like that in real life. But I mean, one person hits you once with one of those. I'm telling you. And you're down. The end of the population really is shut down.

Involuntarily shut down. You're not going, I think I should not. You physically, you can feel it up inside like your kidneys. Your lower is that what it feels like when you get kicked in the balls. It's usually a delay. It's like you get hit. It's not what you respond to. It's a moment later and you feel nauseated.

You know, I mean, you get hit hard enough. Yeah. You want to vomit your, your eyes roll. It's a pain that they kind of, it just aches everywhere. It's, it's, it's horrible. Oh, that scared me. Yeah. That's what it feels like.

I was so into your story just now, the pain of it. It's the worst. It's the worst. I can't tell you how bad it is. Well, so, so maybe, but here's my thinking. Is that maybe biologically they're not as affected by the pain? I think, I think they have to be. There has to be something different about somebody that signs up for that.

Sure. Maybe that's like, they don't have that much of a reaction to it. Yeah. Well, you can't. Yeah. I mean, I'm telling you, uh, forget getting hit a graze for a lot of, for me, I'm the, I'm that guy where like, if, if it was, uh, like someone had a backpack and swung it around and just graze my balls, I have to sit down and kind of gather, gather myself

before, you know? Yeah. I wouldn't just walk away. I've got to hold on a second. It would take a, it would take like a minute to respond and she's, she lines up her fist, punches them, kicks them, knees, knees, full knees. And then the two handers, my favorite. Cause it looks like she's pulling like a, like a turnip out of the ground.

Yeah. Kind of like that. It does look exactly like that. Right. And then the, his balls are like grapefruits. Oh, they're huge. I mean, I've never seen balls that big and I, I keep watching cause I like that. The finale, I don't really like saying guys get hurt.

That's not why I laugh. I laugh it. I laugh at the size of that guy's nuts and how hard she's pulling. And then you go, who's into this? Like this is such a weird cake, man. It's weird. It's weird. Okay.

Would you rather it's pup play? Okay. For your sexual outlet, you've only two, the sexual outlet of pup play or getting your nuts kicked. Well, does my pup play, is it only with guys or can I have a woman there? Is your heterosexual? I will make an allotment for a woman to be there. Yeah.

Both cases. Now you'll get to have, excuse me, sex in both scenarios, but before you do the four play is either pup play or aggressive ball kicking. It's 100%. I'm a fucking dog. I'd eat out of a dog bowl, take me on walks. I'll piss in the backyard, whatever you want. Grow a tail.

You put eight dildos in my ass before I sign up for ball kicking. Potato, potato, you know. I mean, I would be, first of all, after one of those kicks, 100%, it's 9-1-1. Like I want ambulance there immediately. Ambulance. Ambulance. Ambulance. Ambulance.

Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. One of them you can't really survive. I feel like, I mean, look, nature, nature's protecting those nuts. Nature's telling you, hey, don't fuck with what's in here. What's in here is very important stuff.

Of course. Precious cargo. I mean, first of all, you shouldn't get hit like that in any part of your body. Right. It's not close to. It's not cool to sign up for a beating. Right. You know.

Right. That part? That's the most vulnerable part of a man's body. Easily. Yeah. Why don't you have someone to stab you in the eyes? You know. See if that, does that feel good too?

Fucking idiot. God. So stupid. Brutal. Wow. That hurts. Yeah. Yeah.

All of it, all that stuff makes me laugh. Like all the violent sexual fetishes, like, you know, clamping nipples and like. Yeah. It's so funny. I think what's funny and we talked about this last night after Bobby and Karen made Sweet Love is that, like, who's got the fucking time? How do you have time to develop these fetishes to find out that's what you like? Yeah.

Yeah. Like, I mean, most people don't have that kind of, I don't got that kind of time having a baby and stuff. Like, Hey, guess what? I like to have my nuts kicked, but this certain way and I like to have her pull them at the very end. Give a job, man. Right.

How do you know you like that? Fucking. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a lot of stuff. Like, That's not a random discovery. No.

And especially because society will make you repress those desires a lot. Those. Those are deeply repressed sexual fantasies, by the way. So you really got to go deep. You got to take time. So in a way we really should be celebrating it. Because of course this guy's not being, you know, ashamed, but, Right.

But the time investment, it's like going to therapy. You got to go down, down into the layers and, and figure out, But you know what? Maybe it is a slow thing. Like maybe it is a thing where the guy goes, no, what about this? Like, what if he realizes he likes to be dominated? So he signs up for that. Right.

And then, okay, that goes well, you know, and there's like a little bit of spanking. Right. Or like whipping or something, nipple clamping, and he's like, Oh, it's painful. I like it. And that slowly gets to like a little ball smack or something. Like she's hitting him and then inadvertently grazes his nuts. And he's like, Oh, that hurts. But I like that.

Exactly. Next time, why don't you go ahead and step that up a little bit. But again, the time investment, my goodness. I've seen a video of high heels, like the stiletto heels, where that stomps on dicks and balls. It makes me laugh every time. No, no, no. But that.

Like it hurts. The heel like that. Yeah. That's really, that's, that's really something, man. Yeah. It's intense. I don't know if I could, you know, it's funny because you and I, once we put baby jeans down for the night, you know, you've got to maybe, maybe a two hour window before you

have to go to bed again and wake up at six in the morning with a kid. So it's like, uh, shit in my world and our world. It's like, we just got to, you know, Bobby and Karen got to go quick and then go to bed. Yeah. There's no time for fantasy, you know, ball play and pop play and all that crap. I mean, you got to put your, you got to put your timing. Learn what your ass smells like, what your cock and bulls. Right.

This is, this is single people shit. That's a time commitment. Yeah. This is single dudes. And also to learn what they smell like. God damn. He really is talking about, you know, repetition. Yeah.

It's like a practice. It's a technique. You got to, you got to really dedicate yourself to pop play. Oh yeah. You can't just be like a casual pop player. No, no, no, no. That's, it's really a commitment, you know. Run your finger along your crack.

If you're ass, you don't need to finger your hole. I don't want to come back with shit on your finger. That's a good point. Yeah. The fact that he has to tell, I don't think he has to tell people that. Do you think he really needed to? Yes. I think he did need to.

Really? I think some of those pops were like, oh, finger it. And he had to, he learned that like, no, you got to tell him. Over time he's learned. Run along. Don't, don't go inside. Gosh. Yeah.

Because sometimes I feel like you don't need to be that specific with directions, but apparently you do, you know. Yeah. Yeah. You got to be, you got to be specific. Do you want to see this lady flip out on a plane? Oh yeah. I like her.

I kind of, here's the thing. Get it. She's definitely overreacting, but I do understand. I don't think she is. I do understand when it's like no one, like a traveler, a business traveler, some of you out there are business travelers. You know that feeling of like, well, you just get off the fucking plane. Of course.

Sometimes you're in the back and you're like, wait, are they loading in the next group of passengers? Because I feel like we've been standing back here for 30 fucking minutes. Yeah. It is the most unnerving. Well, and then you get mad at those fucking dilettante Sunday travelers. Yeah, I know. Who come with five loose bags.

Nothing is really tied together. And then one thing is up here. Another thing is under, and this asshole is taking his, their time. You like to get your life, bro. And there's my favorite is sometimes the person will put their bag in the overhead behind where they sat. Yeah. Yeah, dummy.

Wait, they'll go back and get it when you land. And then they'll be like, I'm up there. And they're like, no, now you're back here. Yeah. You came back to get the bag. Dipshit. You don't get to go back to the, what are you talking about? You don't do it.

What you do is you put the bag before you sit down. Yeah. Because there's still more overhead usually in the front. Yeah, but not first. If they load not at first. I see people do that. No, no, not at first. It's a real scumbag.

Because they load the plane from back to front most airlines with the exception of like Southwest or whatever chaos that fucking airline is. Yeah, yeah. So I always put mine in the row before my coach row or whatever the fuck I'm just saying if I'm not in first class. So that way when you're on the way out, you pick up your bag, dipshit. Don't put it back. Let me, let me upgrade you.

And let me upgrade you to the hottest channels. That was Beyonce. I know. She did a direct TV commercial. Can you believe that shit, dude? That's like Madonna doing it. They're like upgrade you. And she was like, I'm gonna upgrade you to the hottest channels on direct TV.

We couldn't believe that. That was in 2008. That was old. That's the year we got married. We had our one luxury was cable TV. And we would laugh at that fucking thing. Let's go. Let's go.

Okay. Move faster. I love it. You're not handicapped. Let's go. Yeah. So that's kind of starting. It's almost like she's talking to herself.

Sure. She has headphones on. Sure. I think she might be listening to music. I feel what this guy looks like here in a moment is how I feel all the time whenever I see. Crazy. Yeah.

Can we get off the fucking plane? Like that. Like that. See that guy? Yeah. I'm upset. Get off the plane. You know what?

Girl. I have tumors and I'm in a lot of pain. Aw. I gotta go. I gotta get out of here, friend. See how he's. Yeah. He's covering his face.

Yes. It's like when you're cringing for someone. Yes. That's how I feel most of the time in life. Really? When somebody speaks and I'm like. That's so true. You know, you do that face a lot.

Yeah. You've done that with me a lot too. With you? Yeah. What do you mean? Just like, oh, yesterday we were at Neiman Farkas. We were in there buying socks for you and I was like, there are these stupid plastic shorts.

Wait, wait, wait. What? You gotta set that up differently though. Why? Because you were doing a bit. You were doing a bit and made me laugh. I'm talking about when someone's serious. But you do that in front of you.

But that's when I embarrass you is when I'm usually trying to make you laugh in public and then you go, oh my God. Yeah, that was funny. That makes me laugh. Yeah. So here's what happened. We have a lunch coming up and we're going to. You can't say with who.

Dress nice. Somebody special. So I had to, I was like, oh, I'll dress nice then. But I don't think I have any, I don't know where they are. Dress socks. So I was like, let's stop in the, we're at the country club. Let's stop in the, one of the department stores and buy dress socks. Neiman Farkas is like, I mean, it is outrageous as far, that is like a tour store.

In other words, like high end. Who buys that stuff there? Super, super expensive designer, designer shit. It's ridiculous. There's only a few that are in that company. I feel like, you know, most people know you go to Macy's and then you step up to Blooming Dales or whatever. And then, you know, it goes, it goes on up at like Neiman Farkas.

Jesus Christ. It's like shirts. It's like $800 shirts and stuff. Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's really crazy. So anyways. I feel like Nordstrom's my cap.

It's about comfortable. Right. Some of the stuff there, but then go ahead. Yeah. They always have the range. I know there's a one that I went into. I was in Beverly Hills one time after a meeting and I needed, I forget what, a belt or something. And so I went into the ones that are on Wilshire there.

Barney's. Fuck Barney's dude. Barney's has like, Fuck that stupid shit. $5,000 sweatshirt. Yeah. It's so dumb. And you're like, who would buy this?

Who would wear a $5,000 sweatshirt? Now, even if we had millions of dollars, if we had Bill Gates money, there's nothing on earth that justifies, in my opinion, a $5,000 shirt. No, of course not. It's unethical. It's fucking, it's bananas to even spend that much on a t-shirt. You have to. It's crazy.

I know. That would have to be your world too. Crazy. Like you'd have to work in fashion. Yeah. To be justified. Something like that. It's a fucking nothing.

It's ridiculous. Anyways, there's a whole, they have like normal high-end clothes and then there's a whole section of just designer nonsense where you're like, who the fuck would wear this? And I was buying, I was paying for my socks. It's like tourists. It's a pair of black socks, which by the way, their dress socks were at least the ones I bought were normally priced. Oh.

They were like $16. Well, it sucks. I know, but I'm saying for that store, I was always expecting it to be something crazy too. Anyways, you go and we were making fun of some of the clothes like on our own. And the guy noticed by the way. Yeah. Because we take pictures of each other holding up their clothes.

Well, good. Because he knows it's ridiculous. Yeah. I put it on Instagram picture of me and a picture of you. And yeah, he noticed. But anyways, so we're buying, he goes, I saw you looking at, and it was actually called something jeans. It was like Ruby's jeans.

Oh yeah. And I was like, yeah, he goes, you didn't strike me as the type of guy that would wear that. And I was like, oh yeah, I wasn't. And then he's checking me out and you go, hey Tom, how about these? And you held up like black. What was the material? No, I go, gosh, if only, do you guys have like plastic shorts?

Yeah. Do you guys have any plastic? Because they look like they're made of like garbage bags. Yes. Yeah. But I want to pay like $400 for them. And the guy, I forget even when he says, but that's when you started, your hand went, yeah, I was like, you know, because you go my God, mom, because you also go.

Yeah. You go, seems breathable, especially in the summer, like you're saying, like all this kind of passive aggressive insulting stuff. And I'm like, um, and the other, the lady picked up on it too. And she goes, she goes, they're actually really comfortable. Yeah, sure. And we're like, oh, okay, sure. Who's buying the plastic shorts in the summer?

Crazy person. It is absurd and it's expensive. And yeah, whatever. Yeah. They, um, you know, they have a laugh. And I, and then the guy kind of is like, you know, I go, who does buy this? Yeah. He goes, actually the guy, the designer of that was here and he doesn't wear that

shirt. The guy, the designer of this ridiculous clothes doesn't wear his own clothes. Right. He goes, the designer is French, by the way. Yeah. It's totally, by the way, all those clothes look like foreign cousin clothing. Yeah. Like my Hungarian relatives will be like, this is great.

What nice clothes. There's like studs on it. Oh yeah. And red paint. They would wear that in a minute. Yeah. It's all denim and like different colors. If you showed up at the way you normally dress to hungry, would they be like, what

are you wearing? Yeah. They think I'm a total pig. Yeah. They're always like, oh, jeans, all of a sudden jeans. And they like to wear white pants a lot in the summer and white shoes and I don't fucking rock. I can't, I never rock.

I remember 10 years ago, we took them to Saddle Ranch and they thought that was the best thing ever. They love it. You see the cars drive by. They love it. And they had their tight, they have those tight white sneakers on that look like their foot binding shoes. Yeah.

European style. Dude, my Euro, they love, yeah, they love Armani suit. This is Armani. Armani is the best. This is the best. This is the best. Armani. Armani.

Yeah. They love that shit, dude. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it's flashy. Flashy. But it's too flashy for Americans. I bet you like a lot of tourists go in there and they buy that shit. Probably.

Like my, my lane, like Ukrainian. I mean, you basically, in most circles in this country, you would get your ass kicked for wearing that. Easily. Yeah. Dude, you can't walk up in a place. I mean, you can't walk in and be like, what? Like I got these torn studded spray painted jean shorts on.

What's up? People, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, because we pulled a pair of Jorts that were like painted on and studs and shit. They're absurd. Fuck is wearing studded Jorts. First of all, if you're wearing Jorts, you're somewhere in the South, likely. You know what I mean? Like you're sitting on a trailer or something.

I think you don't, you have a joke about dirt driveways. Yeah. Yeah. I don't remember it, but yeah. Yeah. You're on a dirt drive. Yeah. It's not a good look.

Yeah. Don't dress up a Jort. No. The Jort is casual. The Jort is by nature. Those are probably like $800. Easily, dude. High end fashion is an enraging world.

Yeah. When you're like, you are paying what? Yeah. For this? Well, because I often just, I like to look at that stuff and like Stella McCartney, she always has stuff in Neiman Marcus. And I sometimes I like her stuff, but I'm like, dude, I can't pay. I won't pay rather $1,500 for a pair of fucking sneakers with bedazzling on them.

No, man. Like who, who's doing this? Who's supporting this nonsense? I don't know. I know. I also think about that. I have to buy that to make that work. Five?

No. I'm saying, no, more. Right, right. To justify it. To make that line work. So all those people wearing this fucking thing? It's crazy. You know, I think in the case of like a Stella McCartney, she doesn't have to work for money.

It's one of those things where this is like my pet project. Yeah. You know, daddy set up the estate for me, but I'd like to keep busy. But don't you need a bunch of things that are like $100 so that like a lot of people can buy it? Right. I think it's a little bit lower tiered that regular people buy. I'm assuming.

Yeah. I don't know. But when shoes are $1,000, I'm like, oh my gosh, sneakers, that makes me particularly furious. Yeah. And I know a lot of sneaker heads and it's cool. Like I love, I have nothing but sneakers basically, but I have like a major cap on that too. Well, what's your, what's, yeah, I think $1,000 for Gucci sneakers is ridiculous.

That's crazy. Yeah. I thought you were about to say is that your cap, I'm like, fuck no, way below that. Way below that. Cause we've been in Gucci at the country club and I've been like, who the fuck is buying this? And it is, it's all foreigners. It's all like, you know, Asian, whatever people or Saudi, the Saudi princess that's

here visiting for her summer room, spring or whatever before she gets married off. There's a lot of money actually that, that pours in from tourists. Absolutely. Like in Beverly Hills, I mean, it's not really, it's not the locals who are shopping on Rodeo. There was a, right. There was that. I went, we went to that restaurant that's in a hotel there and that's what the guy told me.

He goes, Oh, he said it's so hot in the Middle East during the summer that they come here where it's by the way, hot, but he goes, this is so much less hot that they'll come here. They'll, they'll stay in one of them, like, you know, like they'll rent out a floor of sweets for us for a couple months, shop, shop, shop, shop, shop, fly back. They love to shop. Yeah. And, and I heard a story. And like we're talking about dozens and dozens of groups of people doing this.

They come, they all come together as a family and what, well, I heard a story. It's like the, those Middle Eastern girls who are about 20 years old, it's like their last hurrah before they get married off or whatever. They'll come to like Beverly Hills and they'll come with their friends and they're quote chaperones and they'll go to Gucci Prada and they'll buy all this stuff that they can't wear back home and they'll wear it out in the streets and they'll go to night clubbing or whatever. Just one time wear.

Yep. And then leave it behind. Just thousands and thousands. They won't, you can't take it back because they'll go, you know, mom and daddy or see it or whatever their customs. I don't fucking know what the deal is, but they don't take the clothing back. That's nuts. They'll wear it all here and then put the fucking Burke on once they get back home.

Wow. Yeah. I know the Chinese too. They're like spending crazy money. Yeah. Great. Let them shit. Yeah.

Anyways, I am buying your fucking crazy Jorts for $800. Someone has to. That shit's up for Jorts. They should give you those Jorts. They should be like, will you take these? God damn. Yeah. You make your own Jorts.

They gave me $800. I would take them, but I wouldn't wear them, but I'd take them out for them. You take them out. Would you wear them? Would you wear these with you? I'm like, I'll take them. I'm not going to wear them. What if that company hears this and they're like, Tom, I know you got a Netflix special

coming up. We're going to offer you, here we are, $1 million to wear the Jorts and the cool shirt, the gold. No. I won't do it. A million dollars. No. I would do it for the cover art.

That's my negotiating tool. I'll do the cover art in your stupid outfit, but I will not shoot my special in it. An outfit like that will change your whole persona. No one could watch what I'm talking. No one would be like, I heard you were talking, but I didn't listen because I watched your Jorts. It's like Eddie is or doing stand up and heels before like, wait, this guy's wearing fucking heels.

It's distracting. It's so distracting. Yeah. Well, that's too bad. Maybe we'll get a nice, really expensive clothing line to sponsor your next special. No, thank you. I just want a fucking shirt, t-shirt. Same here.

Black. Black on black on black. I'm black. I'll murder it out. Yeah. That's all you got to wear. You know, and the older I get, look, this is as flashy as I go. I'm wearing an Adidas old school run DMCJ track suit.

Yeah. Track suit. But this is my Eastern Black roots. This is my Euro trash stuff. I like this, but this is as flashy, dude. I'm strictly black, white, gray. I like solid color stuff as you can tell. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I'm not a fashionista. No. I am like, I, I like, um, if I had a job for it, I would, you know, I would wear nice ties, but I don't have a job, but I don't, but I smell better than I used to. All right. Let's go back to this lady losing her mind.

I'm in pain. So I don't care who you are. Don't talk to me like you know me. Get off of here. Let's go. That's a real. That's one of those lines you can always pull on someone is, uh, you know, you can always pull on someone is, uh, don't talk to me like you know me.

They, that's a big line, um, on the internet. Yeah. You don't know me. Don't talk like you know me. No shit about me. You know, one time, one of the scary, my scariest LA, one of them, LA incident was, um, years ago. This is when I was working at, I forget one of the morning, you know, uh, post production

jobs and I was at a gas station in Silver Lake. It's like eight 30 in the morning, rush hour traffic, everyone's in, you know, cars are flying by anyways. I'm filling up my tank and a car that's that had just, I guess, gotten gas rips through the parking lot. Like it was like, you hate that. So all I did was I was, I was putting gas in and I looked up and I went like, I shook my head and then I go back to, you know, looking at the tank and then I hear, uh, uh, uh, uh,

when I look up and the guy had reversed stopped right like in front of me and goes, what's up dog? Uh-oh. And I go, and it's a, it's a goofy, like a kind of a goofy looking white guy with black hair and a like a bad thin black mustache, like almost like it doesn't grow in. You know, not almost. It doesn't, it doesn't grow in completely and it's kind of a, a tweaked out look in his eyes.

He goes, what's up dog? And I go, what's up? And he goes, you acting like you know me, homie. And this is because I had gone like this, like an eye, like an eye roll. Yeah. I like rolled my eyes at him, ripping through this parking lot. And in that moment, I remember what flashed through my head was like, this guy doesn't seem like a capable tough guy or anything like that.

But in my head, like this is like all happening, obviously a million miles a second. And I go, for him to say this right now to me means that this dude doesn't have a lot to lose. Like he's, and also I think maybe, you know, what if he has a gun on him? That was my thought. Easily. And he's looking for, he's looking for it. He's looking for an exchange right now.

So I just absolutely just went, I just shook my head like, mm-mm. And then I turned back to the, like to the gas thing. And then I just, like a second passed and I heard, and he ripped out of there. Good. At least he left you alone. Oh, I mean, I was trying to diffuse, but it wasn't like a dude was like, where you go like, oh, shit, this guy, this guy is going to fuck me up. I looked at this guy like this dude has to be mentally ill or, or like he's sitting on

a handgun right now in that car, just waiting for me to say like, what's up, bitch? That's what those fucking losers do. Yeah. I learned that lesson in public school too. Don't look, just don't look whatever shit's going down. That's like the New York subway lesson. Yeah. You're like, don't look at a dude.

That's what I did. Eyes down. Eyes down. Don't even fucking look. But I'll never forget those two. Cause I said, the exact exchange was, what's up dog? And it's a brilliant exchange. And he goes, you acting like you know me homie, and I was like, mm-mm.

No sir. I do not know you. No sir. No. I don't know. I don't know. It's funny. Eyes geeked out.

Yeah. He's probably cranked out. Oh yeah. You know what's great is that we're teaching our son about creepers. Yeah. Hey, that's a creeper. Yeah. Tell him.

That's what you've been telling. That guy's creepy. Don't even look at that guy. But you gotta teach your kids, uh, look, eyes down. Don't even, don't look at crazy. Talk about it. Don't address it. No.

No vigilante. You know, don't taxi drive or anything. Just fucking eyes down, dude. Eyes down. He's got these crazy eyebrows. Our cat. He's always like. All right.

He's got your eyebrows. Yeah. I'm a native. I'm from Colorado. Colorado's don't give a fuck. Get the fuck off the plane. Let's go. Right now.

Let's go. We got to go. Love it. You see this guy's hand going like this. You see that? Yeah. This guy here. He's like.

I love it. He's mocking her as she does this. Right now. Let's go. We got to go. She's a real fucking fireman. But I agree with her. This is a real fucking fireman.

I agree with her. I agree with her. I agree with her. I agree with her. I agree with her. I agree with her. This is exactly how I feel. It makes me crazy.

Every time I'm on a plane. So I, if this bitch is on my plane, I'd be like, yes. Yeah, I know. Yes. Thank you. You know that it's. Damn. She's going too far with it.

But she does oddly enough have a point. She's got the right idea, dude. Good girl. I'm bleeding down my leg. I have blood going down my leg. Get off the plane. I got to go to hospital. Let's go.

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm being nice. Yeah. She's being nice right now. Well, especially when you have your period, you got to fucking roll, dude. She broke this guy. Yeah.

He's like, he can't take it anymore. Yes, I do. I have tumors. I'm bleeding. Do you want to see it? Y'all want to see it? You got blood going down my leg right now? My nose.

I need to get to the hospital if I can catch myself up. Get me the fuck off this motherfucking plane. Go. I would just part the way for her. Why don't you guys move aside? What is going on? You know what I would do if I were that guy in front of her? I'd be like, oh, hey, guys, let this lady off.

Can everybody move aside and let her? She's in pain. Why is nobody letting her off if she's that itchy to go? Seriously, she's in pain? I just wouldn't want to hear it anymore. Right. That too. I mean, there's that too.

I would love for you to stop talking. Yeah. Let her go, dude. You can definitely go in front of me. Part the fucking waters. I'm going to be open. I'm bleeding all over my vagina. Blood, straight blood, all over this.

So get the fuck off the motherfucking plane. So I can get off the plane. Girl, I hear that. I'm in serious breach. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I've been there too. You've had blood running down your leg on the plane?

Yeah. There's been times where I've had, like, when I was pregnant and nauseous as fuck, like, get me off this or you have diarrhea. You've had that right where you're like, I got a shit. We got to go, bro. Or you're in traffic. And you're like, move. You know that's the truth.

Right? Of course. Now. So what? They never heard the fuck word. So what? They never heard the fuck word. Every time we go on this plane, you or I and me, like, you, somebody, you want to talk

to me? You want to talk to shit? You want to talk to me? You have to speak and we can talk. Oh, shit. You like that? You know what I love is when people are like, there are children. There are children.

And then your, your child's never heard the word fuck before or seen a crazy person. There are children here. You want to talk some shit? Yeah. Don't worry. If you can explain things to your children, you can explain that this woman is not well and needs help. Yeah.

There are children. You have to stop living your lives because my child is here. There. Yeah. Could you stop? I'm not going out like that. That's what she wants to say. Right.

Poor girl. Guess what? I will talk to you and I will shut you the fuck up. That's what's up, girl? She's on her period. There are children here. Knock it off. Yes.

We all love them. We all know that does not need to listen to you. Guess what? I learned. Knock it off. Can you do me a favor and turn around and get off the plane so we can get off? That's right, girl. Yeah.

I get that. I like that she went back to, can you do me a favor? Yeah. She went nice again. Do me a favor. Do me a favor and get your fucking ass off. There are children. That's my favorite.

God damn it. Have children ever heard somebody act crazy? Look how mortified I am sitting next to you. You are just, yeah, you're over her, dude. Oh, he's just so embarrassed. He's so embarrassed. He's like, please make this one. I love when this kind of shit happens though.

It just, it brings a smile to my face. Oh, yeah. I mean. Ear to ear. You're just stoked. Yeah. Pupils are dilated. Yeah.

So exciting. Yeah. This is my one, the one thing about New York City that I really, I'd move there just for the subway crazy because I feel like there's a lot more action in public in New York City than in LA. 100%. Yeah. We don't get that.

But you're also with people all the time. Yeah. That's why. Here you, you're in your car. Yeah. We don't get a lot of that. No. Fun.

Crazy. Public crazy action. No. Sucks. Public crazy is the norm in New York. And in San Francisco used to be. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Downtown still has, is about it out here though. Yeah. Remember that one time? Yeah. A guy in an alley. But like. Yeah.

This is what I'm talking about. Taking a shit. Yeah. Yeah. We were together. Was that together? We were looking at potential loft. Yeah.

We were considering moving there at one point. He was standing. He was standing. Standing and shitting. And I often think about how strong his thigh muscles must have been. That's what you think about? Yes. Because that was a prolonged squat.

Hmm. And he was like. But he was half squatting. He wasn't even like. He was leaning and squatting. It's hard. But I mean, he was, he was so used to it that he just, his knees were barely bent. Yes.

I can't believe we have the same memory. Yeah. Synergy. That's why we're married. That was real neat. Yeah. Yeah. I do think about it.

And I saw the poo falling down. That's the craziest part is that like we saw a man shitting in an alleyway together. Tom, together. Together. It was really, really something. Special time. Yeah. Not in front of the children.

There's children here. There's children than anybody. Does anybody care that there's children here? We can't explain this to our child. I think one of the best clips ever. Yeah. To grace your mom's house is that, that homeless guy. What's the title?

He shits in public. Yeah. Homeless guy getting raped by gay ghost. Oh yeah. Yeah. I don't know if it's still even up there. It's been so long. What a special clip.

Yeah. Now you had an interesting thing happening. Well, let me finish this. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I thought we were doing it. Oh, okay. Don't you think all these other respectful people?

Watch your language fans. We have families and children on board. Not necessary to drop the F bomb. Okay. Great. And we've already called security. Okay. Yeah.

Security's coming now. She's gonna have a bad, she's gonna bleed out. She's gonna have a bad bite. Bad bite. Yeah. She better get her fucking tamp on it before that. I'm bleeding all over my vagina. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you want to talk about dumps? Let's talk some shit. You want to talk some shit? Let's talk it. All aboard.

Next up, brown talk. Brown talk coming up. So for those of you that don't know, you know, I'm a brown talk. You know, I'm a brown guy, brown master. And for a while, I was like, man, I mean, I even had a standup bit about having diarrhea all the time. Right. And I got to the point where I said, you know, this is, you were like, you know, this is pretty

bad. I hear it all the time. Got a bad bite. Well, and also it is a joke of yours, but the origin is in truth. Yeah. And that one time you had such a violent brown, this is in our home in Silver Lake that I could hear it from the living room and you came out and I said, do we have to go to the emergency room?

Yeah. Because it was so violent and I could still hear it echoing in my mind. I still feel like I, I feel like I still fart like that or shit like that all the time. Yeah. All the time. What do you mean? You're still shitting like that? No, I'm saying I, I never felt like that really ended after that for years and years.

Years. At least I acknowledged it. I don't know if it started in Silver Lake. How long have you been shitting like that? I can't even, I can't even tell you, it's a long time. So it kept going, it kept happening. And then on this show, I told you the, I can't watch you seriously when he's in a bag now. I was serious about the fact that I actually went to a gastroenterologist and I just haven't

heard the King in so long. I'm farting on you haters. Yeah. Gosh, that's good. Okay. So I went and I, I saw this guy and then we scheduled a colonoscopy and they were going to check out my poop shoot, you know. And I had it moved a bunch of times, rescheduled, rescheduled.

We had moved houses, the holidays and touring and touring. So all together I kept rescheduling it anyways at the same time that the rescheduling was going on, I was changing my diet and competing in this weight loss contest with Bart. And then, you know, I kind of forgot about the last time I scheduled or changed it. So, you know, it ends and or, you know, the contest ends and then I'm kind of in this new way of eating, which is, I basically live by an eat with a keto lifestyle, which is high fat, moderate protein, no sugar, no carbs. I get my, my net carbs come from vegetables, right?

Anyways, that's basically how I eat. Well, ever since I've eating like that, I wasn't even really paying attention to it. My browns changed too. And then I kind of realized that I wasn't having these crazy, violent, explosive shits all the time. And then this weekend, you know, I'm mostly a good boy, but I decided like, oh, you know, it's okay to have, you know, have fun every once in a while. You gotta live a little.

Yeah. So we're out and we go, hey, you know, what do you feel like? And I go, I feel like having like a, I want to, I want to have like a, a sugary, I have an indulged in sugar in a minute. So I want to go have like a sugary meal. I want to have like a waffle or something. So that's your go to binge. Yeah.

I think my go to binge is wine. Yeah. Yeah. Wine and cheese. I like that a lot. Well, I haven't had, you know, like I said, the French toast in forever. So since the day you won the bed, actually. Yeah.

Well, you know, it's, it's fine to do it today and then you get back on the horse, you know, and you just do it for a meal. You don't do it all day. Yeah. So, and I also take the stuff that, that helps me afterwards. It's like, has like direct. Vomit. No, I have like, it has ketones in it and everything.

I take it. I want to try that. So anyways, we go. The French toast is delightful. It's, you know, it's great, dude, within 10 minutes of eating it, I can feel the bubbles in my gut and I have to rush home and run inside and I have explosive, crazy, crazy diarrhea. Oh my God.

It's terrible. And I mean, it's, it's, and it reminded me that like, oh, that was more of like a standard shit for me eight months ago. You would have catastrophes constantly all the time. Here's when you would have them. And I remember I would make a record mentally after Snushy, because we would tend to order the fried items, maybe like a tempura, something, um, sometimes rich. Yeah.

Right. I mean, rich can do it to anyone like creams like pasta with cream sauce would do to you. That would do it. I mean, something really rich, something really greasy, that can someone that can fuck with anyone's butt. Yeah. Yeah. I just fucked my ass up pretty bad, but I thought that it was interesting that I haven't

been indulging in sugar. Yeah. I have a sugar indulgence and boom goes the dynamite. Right. Right. Bad. Yeah. Real bad.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I don't think that there's anything. I don't think there's anything funnier to me personally, um, as when I just over the years, we've been together what, 12 years, nothing makes me laugh harder when, when we're driving home from any restaurant and the diarrhea hits you and you're driving and you're like Oh my God. It does make me happy because I know that you're driving at the top of the speed limit and

I can just, I like, I know where you are emotionally and because I've been there too. Yeah. And I know what happens when the closer you get to the house, like it's like your asshole nose when you're pulling in the driveway and then your butthole starts to like spasm, you know? Yeah. And that's even worse when you get the key in the door because you're like, I'm going to shit my pants now.

It's like your butthole nose. Your butthole does know. I mean, it's a miracle that you can make it to the toilet sometimes. I had a belt on. Oh, I remember I got to the bathroom on Saturday and I was like, Oh, the fucking belt. It was just really bad, but it makes me laugh so hard every time I laugh fucking so hard. Well, by the way, you know, damn, that's funny, dude, 12 hours later. Everything's back to normal.

Next, next few meals are back to normal. Normal shits. So you're back on the keto. That must be it. It's got to be the carbs, the sugar. Maybe you're, what's that thing? Everyone has celiac. I don't know.

Maybe what's that shit called, man? The fucking gluten shit. I know you're talking. Yeah, I've heard celiac. Maybe you have this irritant. Isn't that what that is? It's a week. But it just feels like it.

I took care of itself. It's like, I know. Well, you changed your diet. Yeah. No, you stopped eating that wheat, the gluten. Yeah. Cut it out of your diet and not maybe you had a gluten intolerance. I don't know.

Who knows, man, but now I'm back to farting like a man. Oh, wow. Here's a clip of you from last night. Oh, yeah, you nasty fucked. There's you. That's definitely a Trish moment. Gosh, she really gets down that girl. Yeah, you nasty fuck.

No. Does anyone actually say that? I don't know. And they're love making? I'm sure. You think so? Yeah. I mean, personally, it's a little too theatrical for my tastes.

I would laugh really hard if you insisted on being like, yeah, you fucking nasty bitch. I was like, what? Tom. I would love to do that. Oh, yeah, you nasty fuck. Who does this? Yeah, it's a lot. Oh my God.

Yeah, it's a lot. Wow, that's not Trish's body. Trish's body is a lot more abusive. Here's Karen. Honestly. That's Karen. It wasn't until, and this is like, this goes for almost all the moments in the scene. It wasn't until some time ago.

It wasn't until somebody was actually there telling me, you have two in you or you have three in you that like, it actually kind of clicked and I'm like, oh my God, this is actually happening. I'm proud of myself. Did you see, by the way, this was amazing. Proud of myself. That the president of the United States called us out by name. He did?

Yeah. How did I miss this? I don't know, but somebody sent it to me and my mouth dropped. You got to be kidding me. Especially with everything going on right now to be directly mentioned by name. It was, it's pretty remarkable. I can't wait to see this. Wow.

I want to start by thanking God and I want to thank my whole team. Yeah. Who helped me through this. I want to thank Tom and Christina. Wow. Of your mom's house, Palmcast show. Of what? Uh, yeah.

The what? Yeah. The mom's house what? Yeah, he got it pretty close. They'll try nice. Tom and Christina off your mom's house, Palmcast show. Palmcast. You know?

You know what Palmcast is? Um, no. Yeah. You don't know? He does. Palmcast. Wow. I can't believe we got a shout out from old Trump 90.

I know. That's amazing. I feel like we're. We really made it. Follow me all over the streets. I want to thank BB and W booty love for all the big booty they love. I want to thank 518 street just all over the streets. You see, he's, um, uh,

Wow. I feel like we're in such a good company with these little booties. And he's signing a revised travel ban. Oh, um, and a new, uh, I guess there's a new policy about deportations as well. Have you seen this? This is a new truck nineties. Oh, That's a good, that's a good law.

Well, I think we should suggest this to the press. He's right. I mean, yes, suggest. It looks like it's, it's already about to become long. Oh, okay. Fat people got a nerve to be standing up in front of you with their pants down below their ass and have a draw down too. And you can see the crack of their ass.

Truth. That hair is amazing. The hair is standing. It is amazing. That's a really good way. Yeah. I don't know where he got it. It's good.

You no longer have to look at this. Cause we is now deporting their ass. And like I told you America, I got your back. Thank you. I love the president. I love the president too. I, you know, his outfit's gotten better from nineties and he really seems to be getting into character.

This is great. My favorite thing is that, you know, now him and us together, we're running the industry now. You know, we're running this industry. How great would it be if this guy really did give like all the talks, all the speeches, take over the Twitter account. I think the approval rating would be much higher. Yeah.

Much higher. I would love this guy to be president actually. That's amazing. We're going to keep the motherfuckers out. That's what's up. Close from nineties. That's the new, uh, that's the new travel ban. Anybody from any of those countries.

We're going to keep the motherfuckers out. Keep them out man. Running the industry now. I love it. He's really the greatest. I think little Trump nineties is growing on me now. You do like it. We got a shout out and everything.

It's pretty crazy. Maybe it's my vanity, but he appealed to it. And I like it. You remember the guy that taught us, uh, Oye, Mandem? Oye, Mandem. Of course. Yeah. He's got another one out.

What's on it? Fam. Blood. Blood. Mandem. Oye, Mandem. Yes. You're like a lush today.

You've got new daps. I'm off to Astle to get some cider. I've arrived in Bristol. Cheers. Drive. Hello everyone. This is Billy. I'm going to talk about Bristol dialect was Bristol stool chart words.

Yeah. Bristol. Bristol. It's the same Bristol, by the way. Right. As a Bristol stool chart came from. Yeah. Wow.

Is that? Wow. I did not put that together. How do you think Bristol is proud of that? That they 100%. Of course. Is there a museum commemorating the chart? Oh, possibly.

Possibly. Yeah. All right. Let's share it. You need to remember that Bristol is called Bristle by local people because of the accent. Bristle. Bristle. Bristle.

Bristle. The first one is a phrase and it's our beast. It looks like a different language, right? Yeah. Our beast is from the phrase how beast and it means how I. Oh. Our beast is used for the second person in Old English. Our beast.

I think in Bristol still use this. Bristle, you mean? In Bristle. In Bristle. Our beast. Our beast. Our beast. The next one is Gert.

Gert. What it means? In Bristolian, Gert means very or big. Good. Also, people in Bristol often say Gert Lush, which means very good. Good. Lush. Good.

I've got a good noble on me, mate. I guess Gert sounds like good. Is that why? Good. It's good. Gert Lush. Gert Lush. This is really specific.

Jeez. Man them. My whole thing is, do you think the people, the most hilarious thing would be people watching this video in, what? Korean? He's Korean? Yeah. I'm like, oh, Gert Lush.

Like two. How do they say it? Gert Lush. Gert Rush. No. I'm trying. Gert Lush. Gert Rush.

Nope. You're doing it wrong. Then let's take a look at an example sentence. Hey, how are you? You look very good today. I'll bitch. You look Gert Lush today. See.

God damn. But nothing is more absurd than a foreigner trying slang, you know. Right. He's working at a double deficit. Well, and the people he's teaching are definitely, should not be trying this. No. If you're traveling there. Negative.

And then they're going to be like, oh, Beast, you look great. Gert Lush today. Yeah, I wouldn't say that. You're going to look like a fucking asshole for sure. Douchebag, yeah. Yeah, it's, I mean, it's entertaining. The next one is, Ark E. What?

This place is also from Old English, and it usually means look at him or look at you. Okay. The word Ark is from the word Hark. Listen in Old English. Oh, Jesus Christ. And the word E is from the word he or these. Can't they just talk normal? Ark at E.

Ark at E. Ark at E. Ark at E. Is that really what's happening here? No. I feel like, I feel like it's learning slang from the internet. Like, you know, when you're like, fleek and you're like, yeah, but nobody's really saying that shit.

I don't know. I mean, or whatever. Yeah. I feel like this is the internet equivalent of what's cool. Cause whenever we air this guy, we usually get emails like nobody really says mandem or that's so nineties or that's not what really is happening. What's really happening? The next word is daps.

Daps. You might think of fishing when you hear this word. Dappers? Not that related to fishing. In Bristolian, daps means clean souls, which are canvashes with rubber. What's a fucking clean soul? And it is believed that daps is the acronym for now love athletic clean souls made in Bristol. Oh, for fuck off.

That's okay. I want him to die now. Oh, fuck you. Do you think his sweatshirt looks like he's on a new season of Star Trek? Like you told me. Oh my God. I tried on a zip up jacket, you know, like a casual zip, zip her upper. And you're like, you're on the new season of Star Trek.

You look like seven of nine. Yeah. Or whatever a fucking stupid character name. Seven of nine. Is that what her name is? I don't know. Is that really a name? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. And then there was that guy from reading rainbow and he had on a banana comb on his over his eyes. And that was his like thing and you're like, did you put a fucking banana comb on that guy's eyes? Yeah. That's what he always wore too.

That was his jam. Yeah. That's not even a thing. Here we go again. Here we go. It's my jam. With the jam. Jam.

Remember when we found pictures of Garth Brooks with his first wife? Greetings, all my prettys. This is Julie Moon and this will be my Wicked Witch laugh video. Oh yeah. Hold on. I mean, you can't just. What happened? I feel like you needed to set me up a little.

I don't know what it is. Why are you not preparing for this shit? I don't know what it is. I know it's Julie Moon now. God damn it. Hold on. Let me get comfortable. I gotta like sit back a little and fucking ease into something crazy like this.

Yeah. You didn't tell me we're going full crazy. Yeah. I used to be famous for doing this laugh in college, Karen. You'll remember. Oh, shit, Karen. And this is my Maleficent headdress that I'm wearing, which I like to put on Halloween and scare the crap out of little kids.

What is there? Yes. Really? What's going on? There's a pronoun. Yeah. And this is what having a stressful day does to Julie Moon. Oh, and I'm naked, but this is all you're seeing up here.

Oh, okay. So it is. Okay. Just be like, hey, hi. How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? Because there's a little, there's a little confusion.

I'm confused, but it's not a, it's Julie. No. Now we know because I'm naked, but this is all you're seeing. Julie. Now you know. It's a woman. Yeah. But there was a little confusion.

I was. If you're listening only, you can't tell you, it definitely sounds like a woman, but if you're, you're viewing you, you know what I mean? What's your pronoun? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Get ready. That's a good cackle. That's really good. Yeah. What's up with the dental update? You know, uh, I got to tell you, you got to get those teeth fixed, man. That's the thing about the great British baking show I'm into right now on Netflix. Yeah.

I watched one with you last night. Finally I got you on board. Now it almost feels like you indulge in sweets after you watch that show. Right. Since we don't eat carbs anymore, I feel like at least I can watch people baking them. Jesus. So, but their teeth are so fucking gnarly. Julie's on it.

Yeah. Julie, I support you, but I support a dental visit. And just for your viewing pleasure, I'm throwing in a bonus, generally evil doing maniacal type of laugh. I like the, the first laugh was good. The first laugh was better. The second laugh was better. I like the, the first laugh was good.

The first laugh was better. The second, the second lap wouldn't know. I'm thinking from an animation casting standpoint. Right. That's not a strong voice. No. The first one was good though. Yeah.

You know what? It looks like someone took hammers to her. To her. To her teeth. Yeah. Doesn't look good. Doesn't look good. Now the thing is you can get those Invisalign's now.

And I think they're a fraction of the cost of what braces were. Yeah. So now there's really little excuse people. You gotta do it. You gotta do it. Why not just get the perfect smile? Yeah. I mean, you can't, you can't wear it on a date, but you can, you can't eat.

You can't eat. You can't smile too hard. You can't eat. You can't drink. Go to 1000 Ranch.com and buy some tickets to see those big, mushy purples. Yeah. So, big shows, big shows coming up for, for Zim. And I'm going to be in Bethlehem PA this Thursday.

Where Jesus was born. Where Jesus was born at the Sands Casino. There are still some tickets left. Come out. If you didn't make it to the Philly show or the Atlantic City show, make the trip. Come see me at the Sands Casino. What else? I am going to be at Foxwood's Casino in Meshantucket on Friday.

It's sold out. Three shows at the Wilbur in Boston. Those are all gone. But the following week, Green Bay, Wisconsin, then two shows in Detois, Royal Oak, actually. And then four shows in Chicago at the Vic. There's only tickets available to the fourth show, which is on Sunday. Holy Sunday. Yeah.

On a Sunday. On a Sunday. All eight shows at the DC Improv are sold out. Jesus. And then I have added shows in Titsburg, Pennsylvania, in Burlington, Vermont, in Fallis, Texas on 420. And a few more. Portland, I added a show in May because of the April shows being sold out.

And I've added a show in Meat Rattle, Seattle, Washington. Very excited about all of them. They're all at TomSegura.com on the tour page. Thank you guys for supporting me and coming to these shows. They've been, this tour has been an incredible amount of fun. I also have a bunch of dates that are to be announced. And as soon as everything is signed and dotted, I'll announce all those. Oh.

Yeah. And concluding, some international jeans. International jeans. Yeah. It's exciting. It's exciting. Very exciting. Oh, Houston.

Houston's also on sale. It's in April. Oh. So come on out. Houston Improv. Five shows. All right. Well, 13th and 15th, I'm at the Brea Improv.

April 28th through 29th, Sacramento at the Punchline. May 4th through 5th, Phoenix at Stand Up Live. May 19th through 20th, Jewdork Titties at Gotham Comedy Club. June 1 through 3, Denver at Denver. Denver, come on, you works. The downtown. Best club in America. I'm so excited.

Best club in America. And then my Smurf Day weekend, June 16th and 17th, Manfred Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. Come see me do Stand Up, please. Yeah. Also, check out That's Deep Bro. What's up, bro? What's up, bro? If you're interested in that, go to that'sdeepbropodcast.com.

Yeah. Awesome. If you're shopping on Amazon, use our banner. Please go to your mom'shousepodcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Your shopping, as you normally would, just kicks back some change. And now we've added to UK as well. Yeah.

So if you're there and in Canada, do your shopping, eh? Shop there, eh? Yeah. Looking hoser. Hey. Hoser. Hoser. Hoser.

I don't know if we covered. We didn't talk about double pipe classic. Right. I know we mentioned it last week, but I didn't feel like we really got into it. I mean, I don't know. Maybe we did, but it's big enough to emphasize that it might be that you just have to dehydrate yourself. No, we did talk about this.

But I don't know. It was just such a revelation that I... Yeah. Did we talk about our week, our night off? No. We didn't. No, we haven't even got there. We did it.

And we got, we got to encourage you to do it, especially if you're new parents. Not new new, but especially if you, you know, if you have kids, not that new, new shit, but you got them kids. Once you're kids a year old and you can lock them in a crate, leave them a bottle. Yeah. Leave them a diaper change. Easy peasy. Take this one off clean.

Put this one on. Big deal. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. It's good. We slept, slept until eight. It's awesome. That was, that was amazing.

Yeah. I fell asleep. We fell asleep at 10 and woke up at eight. That's the longest I've slept in, I would say easily two years, and I mean that. Yeah. But you know, especially because you can't really relax with the kid in the house. Yeah. You got to get out of the house.

You got to go to a hotel or go or someone take the baby because if I hear him even like running around, it's, you're still in, I'm still in mom mode. Of course. You can't even nap when you hear a kid like make a noise really. Oh, it was great. Yeah. So anyways, we made a reservation again next month. Once a month, we're going to spend the night away and we're going to just rest and I drank

during the day. It was fucking awesome. I never do that anymore. I mean, by that, I mean like I had two whole glasses of wine before sundown and then one with dinner and I was like, I'm ripped. Yeah. I'm hammered. It was really, really fun, man.

God damn. And we were only, you know, 20 minutes away. That's the best part. Yeah. Is that it's really close to where we live and then we had sushi for dinner and the best part is that we ordered a fuck load of sushi. Yeah. And our waiter didn't judge.

Didn't judge at all, kept suggesting things, gave us things that weren't on the menu. Created things for us. Yeah. And at the very end, he goes, thanks, James. Yeah. We're like, what? What? This whole time.

He's like, yeah, mommy. They're like, this is fucking amazing. First of all, we're always pleased to meet a mommy in any corner of the world, but your sushi server, come on. That's perfect for us. It's symbiotic. Yeah. It was, it totally changed the whole, you know.

Well, just finally to not be judged for the amount of food that we've been ordering at sushi because we've been ordering a lot. It was real cool. Yeah. And he gave us dessert and everything. Oh, so good. It's crazy. God damn.

Crazy jeans. I'm having a lot of laughs too many. The missile knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't by subtracting where it is from where it isn't or where it isn't from where it is, whichever is greater. It obtains a difference or deviation. Yeah. Wow.

That was boring. What do you think? That didn't even make sense. Yeah. The guidance subsystem uses deviations to generate corrective commands to drive the missile from a position where it is to a position where it isn't and arriving at a position where it wasn't. It now is.

This reminds me, the voice, that voice over guy reminds me so much of school, right? That's a school. It's a school video voice. It's a boring guy voice. And then, would you ever look back and go, was any of that worth it, any of those things I learned? Because some were, but don't you feel like some of you are like, I didn't need to learn any of that shit?

No. There's a lot that is not practical knowledge, but I will say it makes your brain, it's like brain gymnastics so that you can retain and understand things. It's just gymnastics. I guess so. But you don't remember any of that shit. I like this. They would teach you something like this and you're like, this fucking sucks.

This sucks. I don't know why they have to phrase that way from where it is to where it isn't, to where it was, to where it were. Consequently, the position where it is is now the position that it wasn't. No shit, asshole. And it follows that the position that it was is now the position that it isn't. Dude, this is like Kierkegaard. This makes no sense.

That's a missile. In the event that the position that it is in is not the position that it wasn't. The system has acquired a variation. The variation being the difference between where the missile is and where it wasn't. If variation is... I feel like this is... That's how an engineer's brain works for something. Well, yeah.

This is why smart people work with missiles. And then they go, this makes sense. And this is fun. Yeah. This is why dum-dums like us don't have our finger on the button of these things. And smart people do. This is more our speed right here. Imagine if some dookie got in here.

I'll fuck it free. Yes. Yeah. So he lit a torch to loosen this pipe, you know? You'll be alright. And the guy doesn't... Dude, heat it up. Stop talking about it.

Stop talking about it. Is that J. Larson? That's the coconut sucker right there. Oh, no. Yeah. There's some pipe in the basement. Yep. Yep.

Yep. You can see it's leaking already. Here it comes. Here it comes. Yeah. Maybe stand back. Dude, there's no time to throw up right now. He's not going to throw up.

Don't lie to me. He doesn't throw up. Don't lie to me. I don't like dry heaving clips. He's just grossed out. He's just grossed out. Dude, bro, work through it. You got this.

I hate dry heaving clips. Why are you showing me a fucking barf clip, dude? It's not a barf clip. How? His friend's just laughing at how grossed out he is. Babe, that's an evil cat about it. That's a Maleficent cackle. Why are you showing me the fucking vomit?

He doesn't vomit. He's bending over. Well, he's grossed out. That's the whole point. Yeah. He doesn't vomit. I promise. Next clip.

I feel like he does. What? That guy. Oh, you feel like him? Yeah. What do you think's in that pipe, dude? His friend's just fucking with him. It's the best.

I don't like dry heaving clips, babe. God damn you. Can you imagine? But isn't it funny that that's his line of work? Sewage? Well, I mean, the guy's so grossed out by his line of work. It's not like this is the first pipe he's done that to. Is this his line of work?

Or is this a novice? He knows what he's doing. I guess. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, he took the thing off. He's cleaning it out now.

Your shirt on the floor. There's dookies just sitting on the floor. There's dookies sitting on the floor. Dude. I'm fucking basement. There's just dookies on the floor. Shut the fuck up. I mean, what are you wearing, Matt?

Okay, I'm out. I'm fucking tapped out of this clip, bro. Why? What is wrong with you? You're ruining the show right now. You're ruining the show. You're ruining the show. You know I hate

me. Hello, and welcome to another edition of Hariba Ramen Academy. In this installment, we'll discuss ramen spectroscopy, and specifically, micro ramen spectroscopy. Jesus. As we apply it to molecular electronic material. You'd rather watch this than the dookie guy? Yes.

All day. Of course. Air day. Jesus. The effects of orientation and crystallinity. There's videos like this. Hariba Ramen Academy, what in the world is this? This is just a short talk, and we will cover just these topics.

First, an introduction or reintroduction, I'm sure to many of you, of the field effect transistor. You know, my dad called me this week, and he read me jokes. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I got to get him on the phone. Did you record it? No, he called me like I was driving.

He was laughing so hard, and I was like, where are you? How are you memorizing these? He's like, not guy, email me. My girl. Great guy, email me. Yeah, and he was getting them wrong as he read them. I go, that's not how that joke goes. He's like, oh, well, yeah, you know, yeah, like stumbling over it.

He's like, more or less, that's the joke. More or less, yeah. Isn't that funny? That's not how jokes work. You got to get it right, though, for it to be funny. Jokes are all about precision. Yeah. You know, it's so funny, dude.

I was thinking how stupid I am, how you were saying, like, do you remember any of this shit from school? Yeah. Like, if our son were to ask me, hey, why does it rain, I'd be like, I don't fucking know. Like, I don't even know why it rains. I'm not. I don't.

I really don't. I'm not sure how to do long form division. I can't fucking do that shit. Yeah, I'd be like, I remember you think you got to carry something. Remainders? Is it remainder two? I bet you want to see a funny video? Show this in class tomorrow.

This, uh... Why is this guy blue? I don't know. Something about the ocean? I don't fucking know. Just because the light in the sky, because light hits the sky and it turns blue. That's what I would say. What causes rainbows?

The sun. The gaze. Hits the air and it makes it blue. The gaze. It's just like the gaze. Or in the sky and they love blue. So that's why. The blessing in the sky.

Here's a dad boner. Oh, yes. Getting excited. Oh, yeah. There's a chicken in the pool. They float! Chickens float! I'll be there.

They float! Chickens float! This is freaking cool! There you go. There's an excited dad. That dad's can't curse too. Dad's got to say freaking. Freakin' cool.

Freakin' cool. This is freaking cool! Your dad doesn't talk like that. Come on now. My dad's a real man. Yeah. He doesn't say freaking at all. There's no such...

I don't think my dad knows the word freaking. Yeah. He'd say like, why the fuck do you say freaking? Of course. Yeah. You know, I kind of am of that school. I don't know. We'll see how my kid turns out, but...

Yeah. Who cares? Let me say a fuck word. What's somebody right here? Hey, mommies. I'm writing to let you know that Rick with the Zanis is almost 100 percent. I can't believe this person is better than we are. The same guy who texted you a few months ago sticks on deck.

Oh, shit! In my opinion, he should have gone through LinkedIn as a favorite of mommy and you could text Rick and let him know I need 10. Keeping him high and tight from Virginia. Dude, I didn't even put that shit together. Thanks, bro. That's so true. Damn.

Dude, I didn't even realize sticks. What were the sticks again? Zanis. Shit, man. LinkedIn is helpful. So, there you go, Alex. Thank you very much. Dude, thank you.

Damn. Hey, mommies. I don't have anyone that I feel I can ask about this in my personal life. Here we go. And you always seem to have rock solid advice on things like this. I have issues with my ass. It itches sometimes, which I think is kind of normal, but I also have issues making brown. The cleaning up part more specifically, I noticed when a coworker comes in to make chocolate

next to me, they wipe way less than I do. It could just be that they don't require the cleanliness that I do, or it could be the amount of hair I have on my asshole. I need a good four or five pieces of toilet paper and I average a good three wipes per piece. Others sound like they wipe two or three times total. It seems like I work way harder than them to not, not to mention smashing hair into my asshole is like rubbing it with a, what, a pad causing it to bleed sometimes with shaving

my ass be a recommendation you would recommend at this, well, you would make at this point. Thanks, jeans. Love the podcast. Joel, Joel, interesting question and I think this is really your lane. Oh, it is 100% my lane. You're an expert. I've been down this path many times. There's two things I can tell you.

First of all, the answer is yes. I think, I know I've done it before. Sometimes you hear me talking about it like, I got to make that appointment again. I got to get that done again. It absolutely changes your cleanup game, your cleanup game. When you have a hairy asshole, it's not fun. It's time consuming. It's, it's honestly, it's stressful and losing all that hair.

I mean, you'll, you would be amazed. I would consider, I wouldn't, I would actually wax it and here's why. It sounds scarier than it is. You think it's going to be like this unbearable pain. It's not, it just feels like, like just, yeah, you just feel a little tug. It's not anymore. It's not someone stabbing your asshole. The hair has come out like anywhere else.

It feels fine. I would recommend doing it. The other part of it though, I think the drawback, some people will tell you, you're going to maybe sweat more or cause there's nothing there to collect it. No, I think it's definitely a reasonable thing. But as we mentioned earlier in this podcast, maybe a diet change. That's what I was going to suggest. Can help what's coming out of asshole.

Your asshole. Yeah. Let's start with the root cause here. Because all you feel like waxing his butt hair is, it's, it's an effect, not the cause. Like let's get to the root. Well, but it's still either way it's going to change, either way it's going to change. It is. And also I recommend ask somebody who went shit to shower for years because I have a

clean asshole. I have a hairless asshole, more or less. And my wipes were disastrous for a long time and I would just go shit to shower as we mentioned. Maybe consider investing in a total wash let for your home for your home, but then you get to work and it's like, well, why are you shitting? I think you should move your shitting schedule. Shit in the morning, drink your coffee and then you're not shitting at work. Can you, can you move around your dumping schedules a little?

Yeah. I mean, that's possibility. I would say that I think just for a life experience, try waxing your ass once if you're a hairy guy. Yeah. And I would say since it's a work toilet and who gives a fuck if you clog it, bring some wipes. You can bring wipes.

I think you can do an easy way. Bring a bottle of water with you into the bathroom. Oh my God. Top dog. What are you talking about? Yeah. Why don't you just spit in the toilet paper? You can bring water into the bottle of water with a cap on it.

Why not? That's disgusting. No, it's not. That's disgusting. You pour a little bit of that on there and you just, you lose. I do it all the time. What? When I'm traveling, of course.

What are you talking about? Like in an airport? What are you talking about? Well, you're shitting in a stall. I don't even know you. What are you talking about? I feel like you're a stranger to me. Well, I do spit on the paper if I'm in there and I don't have water, but if I have water,

I'll pour it on the paper and then wipe my ass with that. Yeah. Okay. Let's also discuss the inferior quality of office toilet paper. It's horrible. So horrible. Don't judge. First of all, never judge your cleanup amount with your neighbor's clean.

I agree with that. And I hear you. I agree with that. You got to stay on your own cleanup line. It sounds like the person next to you is doing less, but maybe they're lazy. You don't know. And inferior toilet paper, they're different. So you've got to cover those balls?

Yeah. They've got to come in their balls and maybe you don't. Now your cleanup is going to be different at the office because of the inferior quality of toilet paper. Keep that in mind. Try not to judge yourself. Try not to be so hard on yourself with how much toilet paper you're using because you've got to use double the squares if it's a single ply.

Everybody knows this. Yeah. There's a lot of toilet paper at the office and an airport. What if he brought his own role? I mean, the thing is you got to manage that role. But I would definitely bring water or wet wipes into... Wet wipes. Yeah, in there.

Wet wipes. I might even suggest, you know, going to Rite Aid and getting a little thing of personal Kleenex. Yeah. Because that's thicker than office toilet paper. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting.

I like your idea of bringing water. It's just kind of, I feel conspicuous. Will people notice what he's doing? Oh, I don't think they'll... I don't think they pay attention at all. They won't. No. No.

You just drink it. You walk around with your water and he's going there. Take it in the can. Yeah. Asshole. Now, somebody emailed this. Well, thank you for that very thought-provoking question. I could spend all day talking about that.

It's a good question. I am an insurance adjuster for property, casualty, and liability claims. Unfortunately... Is this a boring video? Unfortunately, I could not record this for legal reasons, but I was in a house yesterday and it was a good two-hour drive to get to the location. On the way down, I was listening to the podcast and almost out of reflex, the misses of the house offered me a water and I thanked her saying, thanks, Jeans.

And she said, sure thing, mommy. A look was exchanged and we started laughing. Just to say, the inspection took longer than expected as we proceeded to use most of the cash frangers while discussing her claim. If my son wins his regional wrestling tournament this weekend, I will send the video because it is bound to be a huge dad boner on my part. Stay classy and Tom is the water and personality champ. Wrong.

Wrong. Love you, Jeans. Wrong. Wrong. Well, Rob, good luck to your son. I hope you have a huge dad boner and lose your mind if he wins. I hope so too. By the way, we got sent in, of course, more, do you want to see some, hey, mommy, thanks,

Jeans? Of course. I love these. These are my favorite. First of all, there's also been some chatter out there on the interwebs that I might be the burp champion. Who the fuck is saying that? Just people from last week's promo on Instagram, a lot of, just a lot of activity, people insinuating

that I might be the burp champ. Just glassing. They're just thinking about it. I don't think they're. I don't know. I'm not encouraging it. Yeah. I'm not saying I'm the burp champ.

Okay. Just whatever you guys, you know, I'll leave it up to the audience. You guys are the big deciders. Let's see what we got here. I haven't seen any of these. I'm so excited. I think I'm the burp champ. But if you look at the video or the playback of this podcast, I've definitely, well, you

cheated with your Laquan. How did I cheat? Can I have some of your Laquan? No. Please. What can I get for you today? Scratchers. Can I have a little brown time and get a chocolate milk and then I'll go double pint classic

and probably get two hash browns and then I'm going to King of Improv, but can I get a number 10 as well? Breakfast? Yeah, no problem. What's the drink with that? I'll do coffee. Coffee? King of Improv.

And would you like mild or hot sauce? Yeah, no problem. That's it. That's it. All right. So we'll be 9.50 here on the first one though. Awesome. Thanks, James.

King of Improv is a great reference. Great. Great reference. Yeah. For those of you that don't know, that is a Seagal reference. He in an interview once said that he was the king of Improv, if you don't mind me, my saying so. I believe it was something like that.

Crazy person. That was a totally insane thing to say, but definitely on brand for him. That was really good. Thank you very much for that. Good job, Logan. Good jeans. Really good jeans. Gosh.

Let's see if there's another one here. Leah, who do you want to say a special hello to? Hi, Hitler. Give me a second. I'm just glassing. Thank you. Wow. Leah, how do you spell fart?

I'm an archie. Nice job. Okay, mommy, I'm ready. Yeah, can I just get a strawberry magic? A large? Okay. Anything else, please? No, that'll be it.

Okay. All right. Thanks, James. All right. Thanks, James. Well, I love getting the next generation. I know. Here's the...

Good job. Good job. Good job. That was fantastically. You're adorable. Hi, Hitler. I mean, I am the king of improv. I feel forgiven by saying so.

Oh, my God. Jesus. Here's Paul. What's up, Sherry? Wow. Honestly, I think I would like to say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow. I think I would like something that isn't greasy and doesn't smell or burn. Just give me one second. I'm just glassing for a bit and I'll be able to let you know.

Okay? Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. Okay. So I do want the four for four. Four for four. Where is he?

With a double stack and a sprite to drink. Let's see. What else? Sharkation. No. So I'm sorry about that. So I've got, oh yeah. And then a number six.

I'll go full Bert and make it large with Dr. Pepper and that should do it. That's outrageous. All righty. Here's how it will be at the first whistle. Okay. Thank you very much. That's really great. Wow.

Thank you. That's Paul. What is amaze? There's a maze. Really good stuff. Look at this. Oh, my God. They're doing jeans.

They're police. If I could just have a license for insurance, please. What? What? I'll just glass on the avenue and come down to a 40 and a 25. I got a nice car. We can't be doing this slick stuff. Need stuff.

You know what I'm saying? You feel me? No. What? All right, mommy. You got an updated insurance card? No. That one's expired.

No way. All right. No way. All right. Same policy. Give me one second. All right. No way.

Yeah. This is... No way. Yes. This has to be a voiceover. A dub over. All right, jeans. I'm going to give you a warning.

Just do me a favor. Slow down. Stay hydrated. All right. Be the water champ. No way. This was sent in. That's hilarious.

I mean, I guess it could, but I don't know. A new band told me this had come in. It was a dash cam recording where the guy did a full pullover with jeans language. I had no idea we had such fans and law enforcement. I had no clue. Hey, doing jeans also. Oh. I think it's real, Gene.

I'll just class on the avenue. Come down to a 40 and a 25. Oh, my God. What? That's a nice car. We can't be doing this slick stuff. Need stuff. You know what I'm saying?

Feel me? Oh, my God. It sounds like the sound is picking up real. That one's expired. That's true. It does sound like it. Yeah. Hilarious.

Same policy. Holy shit. Give me one second. All right. It's bananas. That is unreal, man. This is... All right.

This is a dash cam. All right. Just do me a favor. Slow down. Stay hydrated. All right. Be the water champ. Wow.

That's a whole fucking... That's a whole new level. That's amazing. We just up the Hi, Mommy. Thanks, Gene's game. Now, you understand that this tape opens up the category. Yeah. I mean, you can incorporate Hi, Mommy.

Thanks, Gene's. Basically, Gene's speak. It's basically Gene's speak is what we invented. You can incorporate Gene's speak in all your professional lives. That is unreal. Unreal. Unreal. The improv, right?

Just answering the phones. Yeah. We had the liquor store clerk doing Hi, Mommy. Thanks, Gene's. Oh, my God. So now we're in law enforcement. We have infiltrated all corners of the world. It's amazing.

Do you know how to make a double pipe classic? Is that a bar? Two full turns with your body bent over right there. No, it's a shot of Cincinnati Fire bourbon. A little bit of burp liquor and a shot of Patreon. Holy shit. What's going on there? Yeah.

It's pretty good. They're very rare. Yeah. It doesn't sound clear at all. Yeah. Double pipe classic. Yeah. I think Hitler used to drink that.

Yeah. Fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, it does. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. He drank them. I don't know if it's something to you.

Yeah. That's unreal. Assripper drank them, too. He's like, huh? Who is that? Oh, King Assripper? Oh, he's big thing. He's the king of farts.

See him on YouTube. Yeah. You should look him up on YouTube. He's so amazed. So amazed. So amazed. He's got asses. The farts come out.

Oh, my God. It's... God damn it. Yeah. He's right. I mean, this is... this is amazed. Like, we've started what was started, like, as a drive-through joke, as now a face-to-face bartender joke.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's now law enforcement pulling people over in cars. It's bananas. It's just, it's so funny. Where is it not going to go? It's so funny. Congress? Attention, jeans.

We're voting on this bill. This is so funny. God. I'm real. Oh, my goodness. It's in Spanish. Hola, mami. Dame un momento.

Estoy glazando. Yo quiero dos barbeque burritos. Do you have two barbeques here? De pollo. De pollo. Actualmente... ¿Cómo? Desculpe.

Sí, sí en combo, pero solamente uno, porque no estoy gordo como... Papita, por favor. No estoy. Con agua, con unos botellas de agua. Oh. They're impressed. Supiste que estoy el campeón de agua. He told her.

He said, do you know if I'm allowed to? No. Desculpe, no importa. What? What? What did he ask for? Piste que estoy el campeón de agua. Water champ.

¿Tienes violetas majadas? Purple mushes. Desculpe, no importa. Si puede repetir, quiero mantener que está alto y apretado. I want to make sure you're high and tight. Sí, está todo. Gracias, jeans. Amazing. Wow.

Spanish order for Dan. Spanish jeans now. Thanks, Spanish jeans. This is unbelievable. That's okay, mommy. Can I get a queso rito? Oh, that sounds good. Beef, chicken or steak?

Beef. Is that the bell? Beef. Does that come with any pup play? Any pup play? I'm sorry. One more time. Pup play?

No. I don't understand. All right, it's not sexual, it's okay. All right, thank you, mommy. I like that. That's how he got her to calm down. No, it's not sexual, it's all right. Oh, my gosh.

That was Maria and Jean. Good job, Maria and Jean. Good job, Jean. Real good. Taco Bell seems to be high on the menus today. Yeah. A lot of Taco Bell. And finally, some you-knows.

Oh, yes. This is for a week here. I feel like you can kind of rest your minds a little bit. Yeah, I mean, you can kind of, you know, you know, obviously get all your clothes washed and, you know, get comfortable a little bit and, you know, just get back to the basics and, you know, what's made us, you know, good so far.

I got a 2001 Chevrolet Suburban, you know what I'm saying? Well, I mean, I think every game you just got to put behind you and move on to the, you know, the next one, you know, we got, you know, a nice little homestead in here. You know, we just got to focus on, you know, this first one and, you know, just get back to the basics and, you know, continue to find the points that we need. How many you-knows is this guy going to drop?

Too many, you know. You know, I feel like we played this guy before. Yeah. His name is Dustin. And I think we couldn't say his last name before and I still can't say it. His bi-fuglian. He's a hockey player.

He's a maple leaf, right? He's got to find a way that, you know, makes every guy in here, you know, what are they called? Push on the same way. Well, that's the team in Toronto. It's not easy. Right, the maple leaf.

You know, something Paul, you know, looks out a lot, you know. How do I make this team the best we can be, you know, with the guys we have. That's a lot of, you know. They're guys, you know, made different. You know. You know?

You know. It's just, you know. Here's the, you know, Super Cut. You know, you know, you know. You know, you know, you know. You know, you know, you know, just, you know, you know, I think, you know, you know,

you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know. You know, we know. We know, we know, just, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, I don't know. He's not, he's a Winnipeg jet.

He's not a maple. Oh, oh. Yeah, those are the jets. Oh, but he's wearing their hat. No, no, that's a jet. See, it's a jet within that leaf. Oh. It's a Winnipeg jet.

The fuck. Hey, I'm talking about you filming at me. You know? You know? God, he really, he really did a lot of, you know. You know? You know? You know?

I mean, he's almost at top dog's level. You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know? You know?

I couldn't believe, I knew that my dad was bad, but. He FaceTimed us on the toilet the other day. Yeah. Yesterday, we were having breakfast with little jeans and your dad was FaceTiming on the toilet. Yeah. I didn't want to look at him. Yeah. I pretended like I couldn't see him, but, you know.

But, you know, you could. You know? You know? Yeah. It was way more than I wanted to see at that time of my dad. You've seen him shit a lot though. Yeah. I didn't want to, I didn't want him to, to shit in front of me.

No. Nobody does. He was nice enough to, he was nice enough to hang up to wipe though. I don't know if you remember that. I do. Remember when we were talking to your mom on their anniversary last week? Yeah. She was lubed.

She was kind of drunk. Yeah, yeah. She was like, we're going to go do it now. And I was like, gross. Remember this here? Hey guys, I don't have a video in a while, but I'm going to make it up to you because this year I've come up with something called the Super Burp. And Super Burp is where I saw it in a lot of air.

I wait until it sinks down into my stomach. I remember this chick. Awesome. So I'm just burping it right away. So give me a little bit, be patient. It's really painful too. And why are we watching this? I don't know because I just fucking found it.

What do you mean? Oh, oh, I thought there was a purpose. There is a purpose to watch it. Oh. What do you mean? Okay. She's the burp champ. Yeah.

It's hard to watch this part. That's why. I like to use that for one of your promos for your stand up. Facebook is taking them down. You know, those assholes are taking them down. They're making it so that. Injustice. Yeah.

You know, I don't like that clip because it's like she's vomiting in the beginning. I don't like that. You think so? I just like the burping part. I don't like the vomiting stuff. Yeah. I don't feel like it's that. You don't because you don't have a sensitivity to it.

I do. Yeah, but you shouldn't. Yeah, I know that. It's a mental problem. I know that. We've covered that you're the psychology champ already. I have fucking problems with things that most people don't. Can we?

Irrational problems with things. I know that. Can we change it? I've talked about it with my shriek a few times. It's gotten better. Has it? Yeah. How so?

Well, I'm a little like when baby jeans throws up, I don't go into a full panic. Oh, yeah. What I really care about is how I react around him, you know, because I don't want him to get weird. Yeah. So that's gotten better. Good. So it sounds like progress.

Yeah, but I don't, if I don't have to see it, I don't want to. I got you. You know. All right. All right. We should go. There's a lot of fun. Thank you guys for listening as always.

Go to your mom's house, podcast.com. TomCigura.com, 1000 Ranch.com. Anything else, Gene? I'm hungry. I'm hungry too. This is a, it's called ultra humongous whale penis. Oh, cool. By a gaping dad.

I love that. It's always dropping the hits. Gosh, gaping dad's crushing the song game. Yeah, it really is. God. Thank you guys. Thanks, Gene. We'll see you in a little while.

Gene. Oh, sorry. Can you hold for a second so I can show the penis? God, that is massive. It is massive. This is a whale's penis. God, that is massive. It's actually probably the most amazing penis in the animal world.

I know you love the penis. It's actually probably the most amazing penis in the animal world. Unbelievable. This penis, this is the sheath holding the penis. There's no bone in this penis. This penis is completely flexible. This penis is prehensile. Guys, come on.

God, that is massive. Unbelievable. This penis is prehensile. God, that is massive. This penis is prehensile. Unbelievable. This penis is prehensile. This penis is prehensile.

This penis is prehensile. This penis is prehensile. This penis is prehensile. We have to stop. We have got to get this whale off the beach. Are you finished at the node end? Yes. Unbelievable.

God, that is massive. God, that is massive. Guys, come on. It's actually probably the most amazing penis in the animal world. There's no bone in this penis. It's completely flexible. I know you love the penis.