Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 387-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 15, 2017

Dearest Jean,  This is a great podcast. Today we recap our lunch with Dan Pena and Tom's ill-fitting suit. Plus, Jean got an iWatch and boy does she love it (more than she loves Tom).  Some French guy wants to teach you about loving your lingam and the mommies saw Get Out - go see it! How often do you run into massage therapists that are also smokers? I guess Tom's just lucky.  All of that, plus vocal fry, dental updates and more!

I'm leaving all over my vagina. There are children on this plane. You want to talk to everybody on this plane? Because we can talk. Because guess what? I will talk to you and I will shut you the fuck up. There are children here. We all need to listen to you.

Guess what? I learned. Turn around and get off the plane. Let's talk to them like you don't. Get off of here. Let's go. Off the fucking plane. Please. I'm upset.

Get the fuck off the plane. Let's go. Right now, let's go. We got this. Let's go. You didn't want to sit? You wanted to see the flag going down my leg, right? Why didn't you get off the plane and tell them to drag themselves?

Watch your language, man. We have families and children on board. Not necessary to drop the F-bomb. Oh, security's on the way now. No, it's just a lady on her period saying fuck. Your kids don't know that. Have you ever seen somebody kick that? That was from last week's episode. The lady was really losing her mind bleeding out of her vagina on the plane.

Have you ever seen someone lose their mind on the plane? I feel like the answer is yes, but I can't recall. I feel like I've seen it all on planes, haven't you? For sure. Have you seen one like that? I've seen a couple people get accosted by the flight attendants. I've returned to the gate before to have someone thrown off the plane. Wow.

What were they doing? Well, I learned later. I think I've told the story, but this was a lady on a small regional flight. I guess she kind of was short with the flight attendant. Right before we were going to take off, and the flight attendant then told the pilot, and the pilot was like, no, so we went all the way back to the gate. And as they were getting her off the plane,

is when she was really flipping out. Because when she learned that she wasn't going to make the flight, she lost her mind. Because I had the police waiting for her and everything. Wow, because some flight attendants don't play. I was on a flight this year where, so this is the weirdest thing. I was in first, of course, like I'm not a piece of shit.

And a guy was hanging out in the galley. And I heard the flight attendant go, I've told you to go back to your seat. And the guy, it was an older guy. He was like, I want to stand here. I can't. And he's like, you can't stand here. You have to go back.

And then somebody in first that he knew was like, the older guy goes, he said I could have his seat. And he goes, you can't. And he goes, why? He goes, because I said so. You don't get to decide that. It got heated. Then they had a pilot come out.

This is already, this is midair though. This is during the flight. And the pilot was like, you have to obey this guy. You have to go to your seat. And the guy kept hanging out. What? He was defiant. And I was like, this motherfucker is going to cause us to land.

Don't you think that's enough? I'm so afraid of that kind of authority. When there's no exit for you, you're on that plane, bro. You're under their mercy. Just follow the rules, dipshit. He was like, my back hurts. Then they'll take the flight. Yeah, he was like, get the fuck back there.

But can you imagine? You know, I've talked my share of shit on a flight of 10s. Talk some shit. Talk some shit. But real talk, that's got to be such a hard job. I mean, you're dealing with. Yeah, of course. The general public who can't seem to figure out simple shit,

like put a fucking bag under the seat in front of you, or put it up there, or consolidate your goods, things like that. People are dumb as fuck. One time I was boarding and I stopped to help a lady, like an older lady put her bag up, and a girl, a woman behind me goes, are you kidding me right now?

And I turned around. Because you helped someone? Well, because I was stopped. Oh, God. And I turned around and I go, what? She's like, I'm helping her put her bag. She's like, all right, but come on, man. This was like as I'm boarding the flight.

Yeah, I'd probably say something like that to somebody. Really? Yeah. It's crazy. It is crazy, especially if it's like an early morning flight. Because I'm real grumpy and I might say things. I don't know if I actually say them out loud, but I say them in my head.

Yeah. Does that count? No. No, you can say it in your head. You can say all kinds of things. I don't think I've actually said out loud, but I've definitely thought it. Yeah.

No, it's, yeah. I think that's why I have so much respect and admiration for the period, lady. Because I've had thoughts like that, but for someone to just say it, I really respect that. I really admire it. The fact that she was like losing her mind, talking about bleeding out of her spine and everything?

That level of upsetness is like, you're at the brink. Yeah. And I've been there emotionally. I just have never let the damn burst like that, but I feel like I, you know, I get it. I respect a bitch who can. Good for you. I respected the guy who was trying to cover his face

and cringe. That's, I identify with that guy so much. Just like, oh man. And then his laughing too, because he was cringing and then shaking, laughing. Yeah. I felt like I was that guy. It's a good time.

That, that one you have to see, but that guy, that guy is me for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Should we play our show open here? Yeah. Should we do this correctly? Let's do it, man.

Let's do it. Jaya. Welcome, beautiful beings. The topic for this video is how to activate your lingam. For those who don't know, the word lingam is relating to genitals, the male genital area. And, you know, another way of putting it in this video would be how to activate your cock power.

This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving for this. Fucking scumbag. Don't ruin the fucking stand. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

With Tom Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house. All these guys are the same. Yeah. They're all the same.

To rag it. My favorite. I mean, you can always identify them by their stupid jewelry. Yeah. Like the arm band. Stupid jewelry is part of the fucking brand. Right. Right.

Right? Yeah. Don't you feel like that's the, that's how you can identify a douchebag like this? Yes. It does he have a thumb ring? He upped the game though. An arm band.

With paint on his forehead too. God damn it. Because that other guy, the Indian guy, remember the, the finger in two girls at the same time and how to hug. Got his twin activation. Put my hips on your, yeah, got his twin activation. Yeah. This fucking guy.

Yeah. This fucker. He's got it. Yeah. He's got his third eye highlighted. Yeah. And then it's always like the ropey necklace with some bullshit thing on it. You know, how to activate your cock power.

I have a few ways that I can activate mine. I don't know if I need a lesson, but let's see what we can learn. I feel like guys know that, right? Of course. Our one year old knows that. This is just a lane to get your cock into someone else. Yeah. Yeah.

The whole idea here is as man to realize that your genital area, your lingering cock is a very sacred place. We know that. We all know that. And then, you know, do I have to point out the obvious critique here? What? That it's a white guy talking like a Rastafarian dude. Well, he's French.

Are you sure? Definitely. Oh, I'm sorry. I heard Rasta. I thought he was pretending to be like a Jamaican bro. Please. I'm the master fucking ass. I'm sorry.

This whole time I was like, oh, come on. I swear I hear that. I thought I heard Rasta. He might be living there, but he's definitely French. Wow. This dude's first language is French. Aria. That makes sense now.

Because I was like, this motherfucker pretend like he Jamaican or some shit. What the fuck are you Jamaican? For most men, you might have a relationship with your linga, which is a little bit abusive. It's like, give me pleasure. Give me pleasure. You know, it's very demanding. It's very rough in the approach. Yeah.

And let me guess. We should have someone else kind of take care of it for us. What should we do with it? I don't know, but I wish he'd put his fucking arm down. I can't stand that he's doing a video hanging like an arm up. You don't like his arm pit? I don't want to see his fucking smelly arm pit. I want to see a stupid fucking gold band.

You dirty fucking frog. Put your arm down. Yeah. And one of the core practice that you can bring into your life is the practice of self. Love. Oh boy. Touching yourself and activating your whole genital area through a self nurturing massage techniques.

I mean, so far the distinction that's been made is that a lot of us are too rough with our dicks and he's like, you should be nicer to it. Be nicer to your dick. That's the lesson so far. Right. And again, I don't, I don't think you need to teach men. It seems pretty innate because our son who's a year old is ferociously attacking his penis. Yeah.

He didn't need us to tell him. No. Some guys like it rough. What's wrong with that? What if the guy goes, I don't like to do nice touches. I like rough touches. That's founded. Like that.

Stupid gay. Like the, uh, what, what about the, the wham video though? That's not a soft touch. That's very rough. Yeah. Yeah. She power cleans him from the floor. Yeah.

By balls. That's the best. For those of you, it's on our Twitter feeds. Oh, you have to search back a little ways. A little bit there and, um, yeah, it's out there guys. It's on my Twitter feed. How can I get my lingam to be my friend? And, uh, so this is very different than masturbation.

It's very different and wanting to go for ejaculation, watching porn, you know, all that stuff. We're talking about giving your cock your lingam. Oh boy. Some love. Some real love. Okay. That's all this fucking nonsense. Those are all his, uh, lesson plans, I think.

All of his, uh, ancient Sanskrit bullshit. He has drawings all over the wall. And all this, you know, that is this Kamasutra. Yeah. Fuck swings and. Now what's your guess though? Let's say I go, this guy, you meet this guy, you're on the beach. Yeah.

Do you think, uh, he knows how to show you the time at least. This guy? Yeah. You know, I have to tell you, I'm sure he kind of lived with a lot of women, but personally, this kind of sensitive energy stuff, it repels, it just repels me. But you don't think this guy knows how to eat a box though? I don't know, man. I think he's probably the.

I think it's too emotional for me. I think he wants to maintain eye contact while he does it. Oh, definitely. 100%. So uncomfortable. You're looking for more like of a sport fuck, right? I'm not looking. That's what you're looking for.

I'm looking for a dude. I feel like this guy is not. You want it more like. Masculine. I don't like his feminine energy. That's what you want. Not necessarily, not necessarily that. Yeah.

I just think he's a little too sensual. It's too, too many feelings. I can't, I can't handle feelings. You know that. What? You can't handle feelings. Well, like his too emo for me. He's way too emo.

You say that. He's going to start crying. This guy's lingam is. Which I feel like he would, he would cry and want to hold me a lot. And we'd have to talk about our feelings. Afterwards. Shit. Yeah.

I don't want to cry after and hold each other. All right. So I'm saying. I'm Karen. You want Poundtown. Trish. I'm Karen. Yeah.

So the way it works is very simple. Some coconut oil and start pouring it on your lingam and spend, you know, five, 10 minutes, half an hour just nurturing this area. Could you even do that for five or 10 minutes? Or half an, he jumped a half an hour with coconut oil with nice touches. How long do you think you would last massaging your lingam for with the coconut oil? Wouldn't be five to 10. Much faster.

As I imagine most humans. But he would tell me, that's the problem. You know, he's like, give me pleasure. Why? Where? Where? Yeah. It's true.

As soon as you start touching your lingam in ways that are more nurturing and more healing and more loving, then eventually what happens is that there is a massive expansion of this area. Is that there is an energetic and emotional release that happens. It feels in your penis. Potentially traumas are being released and there is an energetic expansion that happens in that zone. I would say that, you know, it's not so much about the techniques.

You will notice that as soon as you start touching this area, you will notice that there are movements that you can make. There's more wacky jewelry that are going to be. So much jewelry. You know, that are going to come naturally. So many rings, bracelets, necklaces. Musical instrument and you start playing with it. You start playing with your balls, with your testicles, you know, your testicle area.

The same with the perineum, which is between the base of the lingam. Hey, man sister. I'm tapped out. Your anal area. You spent plenty of time down there. And then there is all the anal area as well that you can play with, that you can release. And so, you know, this whole base chakra area needs your love, a very simple base to do just that.

To start cultivating a relationship with that zone, which is nurturing and loving. Thank you. Again, this is... Women are very lucky because they already have these circles. They already have these circles where they cultivate love for the young. They look at each other. What? They look with mirrors about the anatomy.

Oh yeah, pretty good stuff. They do breast massage and all that stuff. Guys who are a little bit behind, okay, it's time to catch up. Let's catch up. And start bringing those techniques, right? You know, I have an idea, Tom. You've got a neat group of guy friends. Do this with them?

Why don't you invite them over and have a lingam appreciation night? Get a bunch of coconut oil. Spend a good 30 minutes just massaging each other's balls. Why each other's? I think it's self-love he was talking about. Oh, sorry. And then you can bring out the mirrors and just watch each other. I'm saying sit in a circle.

Right. And I mean, Burt would obviously be on board. Yeah. Sickler. Yeah. Yeah, he would do it. Definitely Matt. Full charge.

Matt, yeah. Awesome. Who else could do it? He's probably on board. What do you think he'd bring to the table? Joey probably wouldn't be on board. I think it would be. I think it would definitely bring a new level to the excitement to the situation.

Yeah. You think Joe would want to do that? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah. I won't send out the e-bike. Give me pleasure. Give me pleasure.

Yeah. Cock power. Cock power. Yeah, it reminds me of this guy. It reminds me of like the Geo's at Club Med. Yeah. Club Med's a French vacation spot. There's a good chance this guy was a G.

Yeah. I think he may have been. Yeah. Yeah. They all are like that too. I didn't have a party. See you at the disco later. Why don't you remind our audience.

Speck-o-tack-o. For those who are unfamiliar, what the Geo said to you. Oh, I don't want to talk about that. Really? Okay. Trying to forget it. I mean, you brought it up. I just figured, you know, yeah, I don't want to talk.

I mean, look, I went, I went when I was 28 with my dad. That's the last time I went to Club Med. And my dad's been taking me to Club Med since I was like 11. Party. Fun. Party. Fun. Dancing.

Dancing. Freak. Beach. Everything's included. I don't have to fucking pay more. You know, everything at the bar, I can get what I want all day long. It's the best. It's the best.

Buffet. Buffet. Buffet. Buffet. Buffet. You know, one of the Geos just hit on me grossly. It was like, you want to come back to my room? I have a bottle of lube in a mirror.

That's a real aggressive line. You think? Well, yeah. Who takes, that can't be the first time he said that. I mean, was he sourced to say something like that? No. Here's the odd part. That's even crazier.

Is that this dude, I was, I was at breakfast and I was alone and I was working on jokes. At the time I was just writing jokes. Yeah. I mean, sitting by myself with a plate of fruit and he sits down next to me because the Geos are encouraged to socialize with the guests. Yeah. And they seat you with strangers at every meal, which is horrible. Horrible.

It's terrible. But it's French. It's European. The whole thing is that you should socialize and meet new people. So I was sitting alone, which in Club Med World is considered bad. And he sits down next to me and I forget. I mean, we're talking about the most banal things, you know, like, oh, you're here with your dad.

Getting angry, thinking about cruise ships. Those are even worse. No, I'm saying because it's the same arrangement. Right. Oh, when they seat you with people. Oh, is there anything worse? I hate it. I hate it too.

Fucking hate cruise. Because it's energy to speak to strangers. Yeah. What do you do? What do you do? Where are you from? Where are you from? After I've gone with family, my siblings, one of us always, the first thing we do is try

to locate the dining room manager and say something like, we can't sit with another group. And then like, and then sometimes you have to like really push to make it happen. Well, you're there with your family, which implies I don't want to sit with a stranger. Why would you want to talk to anybody else? Yeah, it's terrible. And again, it's just small talk, which I deplore small talk. I don't want, I don't want you to know where I live. How about that?

Yeah, terrible. How about I don't tell you what I do for a fucking living? I don't want to talk about my job when I'm on a vacation. It's terrible. Terrible. Let's just float. Yeah. Everybody you shut the fuck up.

If I want to talk to you, I want to. If I don't, you know. I know, it's forced it. I want to be like right away to you. God. You meet people. You're like, I don't want to have dinner with this person. No.

That's what they're having you do. No. Have dinner with them. I don't want to have dinner. A meal, which is sacred. I mean, you break bread with your family, with your friends. They're all fucking strangers. Some douchebag, fucking dad boner.

Where from Shraveport? Where are you from? Oh, fuck. LA, huh? Yeah. You're earthquakes. Yeah. Then they go, they're always like, no, we're from Cleveland.

And you're like, okay. And they're like, hate LA. Right. Cool. Everybody hates LA. Yeah. Thank you. Everybody hates LA except for the people who live in LA.

I know. But that's the only, that they feel the need to tell you. I know. No one, no one goes like, you don't go. Are you from Cleveland? I fucking hate that place. I know. That would be rude.

Yeah, you wouldn't say that. But if you say, I live in LA, people go, I hate that place. You're like, all right, cool, man. It's my home. Yeah. It's one of the few cities where everybody can just openly say that. And there's very little pushback. Yeah.

Well, we do have a lot of douchebags. I mean, in, in those people's defect, like show business, there's nothing doucheier than show business. Yeah, but it's also not just, I mean, this is a massive city. I know, but most people don't know that there's like regular people. Yeah, they'll be like, people always like, all these like small town fucking dorks that you meet that say stuff like, they'll go, I'm not into Hollywood. And you're like, what do you mean Hollywood?

They're like, ah, show biz and the red carpet. And you're like, do you think that's everywhere? I know. Do you think when I go out to dinner, it's a red carpet event? I know. It's just a restaurant, man. Yeah, it's a very small section of this business, I guess, too. And there's, you know, I'm not into movie stars.

So people tell me that all the time. And I'm like, okay, do you think it'll be hard to avoid them? Well, and also it's just a business when you think about it. It's just a Kate Hudson. I'm sure there's night she doesn't want to put on a dress and go to some boring asshole word show for hours and hours and, you know, put the makeup on and all that fucking shit. It's a business.

Yeah, it is. Selling a fantasy, guys. That's all it is, man. So I guess we should, we should get our cocks ready, but also we should tell people, if they don't already know what happened last week. You're a cunt, Brian, not me. God. Right?

I mean, you're a cunt, Brian, not me. Yeah. Yeah. We, uh, we gave it to you. We, we brought them into your world. Yeah. And then we had them in our world. And lunch with them.

We had lunch with the great Dan Pena. Can you believe it? Yeah. I mean, like you said, when, when you met the guy, the bikes kid. Yeah. You were like, it's amazing. The ex-girlfriend. The ex-girlfriend.

Right. Of the bikes kid. I mean, this is just the magic of the internet that we, we see this guy's video. You knew I would immediately be fascinated and drawn to and love with Dan Pena. Yeah. And then I kept it. We, I, he had, he came on the show with a Skype interview. Skype interview.

From Scotland, right? I was in Scotland. Sorry, we're England. Scotland. Scotland. And then, um, I kept, we kept in touch via direct message and he said he's going to come out here in March and then, you know, we made an appointment. We, uh, had lunch with Dan Pena.

It's crazy. This is why you're fucking poor. So crazy. The best part is that you and I dressed up. Well, that was part of our thing. It was like, I mean, we thought about it and I go, I got to do it. Um, you know, we wear T-shirt and jeans every day. Of course.

Comics and. What else is there? For meetings and for everything. That's just how it is out here. But it was like here, this will be fun. Why don't we surprise him. Yeah. By dressing for the occasion.

Cause I knew he, I know he has a big thing about, you know, jeans and. Yeah. Uh, dressing like a fucking bum. So it's like, let's, let's, let's do it up. Here's what happened though. I first, I bought a suit over the summer and a nice suit. I put it on and it was like, it was like a little boy putting on daddy's suit. Yeah.

It's from the weight loss. Yeah. I couldn't even cinch it with a belt. How many sizes, how many sizes did you go down? Um, at least two full suit sizes. Jesus Christ. So I mean, it looked comically ridiculous. So I was like, fuck, it was kind of throwing my whole, you know, idea into to shit.

Right. So I found another suit. It was also oversized, but I go, uh, it won't look as bad. I don't know. I just put a belt on, I tightened it, put the jacket on. Here's the thing. You can back me up on this. Cause you've heard me say this many times.

It's one of my pet peeves. So when I watch TV and there's a, you know, a guy, especially of means, you know, a coach, athlete, Trump, some, yeah. And they're wearing a poor fitting suit. Oh my God. It kills me too. It makes me crazy. Well, when Donald Trump wears his fucking frumpy dump, he wears doing bro.

He wears, um, expensive suits that don't flatter his body type. It's terrible. That's what that's, that's the, because he is of the mentality that, that if it's expensive, then it's great. Right. But the, the fabrics that he wears don't, don't do anything for him. He should be wearing thicker. He's wearing like shiny.

Oh, I see. More luxurious fabrics. He should be wearing like thicker wool. And the tailoring doesn't look. Tailoring doesn't look right either. He doesn't look like he has some tailoring. And I tell you, it bothered me so much when I was looking in the mirror and I was getting ready to do, even when we got to the hotel and I was like, I hated the way it sat on

the shoulders, uh, past the wrist, the pant that looked so goofy. You felt like you were wearing daddy's suit. I did. I felt like I was wearing daddy's suit, like little boy wearing daddy's suit. It bothered me so much. I'm definitely going to go get another suit. Yeah. Well, we went across the street after lunch and we picked one.

No. We looked at them. We got you a jacket. We looked it. But I also had to give the people that I bought the suit to back and he was like, this is going to take days. Yeah. Because we have to basically recut the, the jacket and the pants because you've lost.

It's like, it's not just a modification. We have to recut and resew this thing. So I don't know. I'm definitely getting another suit. Uh, one that fits me like, you know, for my size, but it made me crazy. That's just all I wanted to say. It made me crazy. And it still makes me crazy when I see it in other people and you go, why wouldn't you

just have the tailor bring that in half an inch here? Yeah. Why wouldn't you have them bring the, you know, the waistline in just a bit? Just, it costs you. Well, it costs nothing. Nothing. You go to the dry cleaner and they do it. Now what's really upsetting to me is my art teacher jacket, which by the way, we've offended

many an art teacher. I know. My best friend is an art teacher. She's very upset. Yeah. Uh, I had that jacket altered. It was just an H&M jacket, but at the time I was real fat after giving birth and I wanted to look nice even if I was fat.

Yeah. And I was upset because I felt like I made an effort with that jacket and you still were like, no, that's hideous. So I tried, you know, I tried. Yeah. Yeah. The art teacher jacket had to go. I did.

It's gone. I know. I gave it away. Our nanny's sister has it now. You really gave it away? I did. Well, it's my husband. If you tell me, you don't like it.

Why would I wear something that you hate? Wow. Then you have to look at me and you hate how I look. That's, you're the only person who really looks at me, you know? Really? You know what I mean? On a daily basis, you're the, you're the one whose opinion matters. I don't fucking look at myself.

Yeah. Um, so Dan Pena, what was it like? I had, I texted some friends, family, and they were like, Oh, is he an asshole? And it's funny because I don't think of him as an asshole at all. No. I think the affection that I have for him is directly tied to, um, youth football because I, I was drawn to coaches that were like that because the people misinterpret the yelling for like that.

So he's an asshole. He's mean for me. It was like the guy trying to get the most out of you and a lot of the times, my, I mean, my favorite coaches ever were guys like that. Oh yeah. And then they would always, you know, they're the guys that you, you die for, you do anything for those guys. I always say beware of the, the bullshitter of the one who pretends to be nice all the

time. Yeah. The people who pretend to be perfect and not curse and be holier than that. Those are generally the ones you should watch out for. Yeah. It's not the guy that's going to tell you what's up, you know? Yeah. But we had a delightful lunch with Pena and, um, you know, we really, I mean, we just kind

of shot the shit caught up. He was, he was extremely, uh, gracious and asked questions about, you know, what we're doing. He asked questions about our business, how things like, you know, how touring works and all that and seemed interested in that. And, um, it was just, it was, uh, it was a nice time. We talked about family, his family, our family life a little bit, what he likes to do and you know, he, he's been speaking a lot at schools, he said, touring, speaking, and

mentoring and also a bunch of charity stuff, charity stuff, orphanages and stuff. This is why you're fucking poor. Yeah. Uh, but really pleasant, pleasant lunch. Yeah. It was fun. Yeah. And then he did Joe's show too.

He did. He did. Um, yeah. I got in touch with Rogan. He did Rogan's podcast. Uh, I got, I got caught a little bit of that. I was on the road and I remembered that they were doing it Friday. So I, I was at the gym and the hotel and I, I pulled up the live feed and I was, yeah.

Did he wear his tux? He was wearing like kind of like what we wore to lunch. Yeah. With bow tie and. Yeah. His outfit for lunch was a, it was like a, um, a vest that was like, what was the word for that? What kind of vest is that?

I don't know. It looks like a tapestry kind of like what they do on. Yeah. Quite colorful. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

And then nice slacks. And then he had on these great slippers. They were like leisure. Ridiculous. I mean, like in the coolest way, I mean it looked like a Versace kind of slippers. Yeah. Which is so cute. It was great.

You got to have balls, you know, and swag to pull it off. Massive swag. Yeah. So I guess he's visiting LA for a minute and then he's going to go back to his castle and teach a seminar. Yeah. And, uh, yeah. Doing, doing some traveling and, uh, yeah, teaching the seminar.

He only does a few of those a year. It's not like a year round thing, you know. I get the emails. Yeah. The QLA seminar. Yeah. That's an intense thing. I, part of me feels like I would do that to have like for the experience if I had the

time. Yeah. But it's really intensive to, I mean, apparently to go into that, you fill out hundreds of questions and indeed to, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you, because it's a limited class size is like no more than 16 or something, 20 maybe. Yeah. Sometimes smaller. And so he knows you really, really well, but I don't know.

I just feel like it would be something I, you know, I would enjoy. I'd do it. You have to wear a suit every day to class. Be fun. I go shopping first. Yeah. Can't wear your fucking jeans. You bum.

Yeah. Look at the fucking losers. It's really crazy. Hours. He was saying. Yeah. They started at eight a.m. and they don't go to bed till midnight. Yeah.

This is why you're fucking poor. Did you even push that? No. I think my arm kind of bumped. Yeah. That was the soul of that. I mean, that I don't want to get up early and go to bed late. And then he goes, this is why you're fucking poor.

He just lectured me. He just did. Yeah. Now he's so strong and he had all kinds of knee surgeries and yeah. Big guy too. Yeah. Big frame. Yeah.

I was taller than I thought. Yeah. Taller and his skin looked amazed. Yeah. I got to say his, his face, no wrinkles. I know. I was like, damn, Jim, hang on. Doing this thing and stuff like that.

What's going on? Yeah. You eating that unicorn blood? You staying young? Yeah. There's a thing though that people should know. I mean, you should know this too. If you're a big guy, oversize clothing in general, not just suits, is worse looking

than too tight. Taller. No, than too tight. I mean, when you wear something too big, like way too big for you, so if you're a big guy, you might be like, I'm going to buy a shirt two times bigger than my size. You look terrible. Terrible. It looks like a dress.

It actually highlights your fat. Yeah. It looks terrible. Just like on television, when you're on television, you should be tailored. Just how to fit you not too tight so that your titties show. People message me all the time that after we said that you should, you know, it's real easy to get jeans tailored just a little bit and they love it. It's the easiest thing to do.

When you buy jeans, doesn't matter, you go get a pair of Levi's or whatever, then you go to a dry cleaner or just whatever tailor and you just have them make a little, you know, maybe the hem a little bit up, maybe you need the waist adjusted slightly just so that it fits you well. They look totally different. You know, because back in the olden days, you couldn't buy ready-made clothing. Everything was made for you. It was super expensive.

So now everything's off the factory, but if you can just do like you said, little fucking little modifications, then you're going to look tight. You are. I am fucking tight, man. Yeah. So I went out of town. I went to Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Masha and Tuckett, Fox Woods, the Fox theater. Yeah.

It was the weather was cray-cray. Yeah. I was getting real cold and then I did Boston. Amazing time in Boston. The city always is fucking incredible. I love Boston. I like all those places you named actually. Very nice.

Shit. And the Wilbur, it's just like, it's a magical place for stand-up. I don't know what it is like. It's a smart city. Yeah. Savvy. Savvy, fun. The crowds are awesome.

Yeah. I had a great time. Great time. So thanks to everybody that came out to those shows. I was here with LJ this weekend and we went to the country club and I made a little. Yeah. Why don't we, yeah. I've never heard you this excited ever about anything.

Jeanne got herself a eye watch and you would really think, you'd think she'd been in a cave for the last 25 years and she wasn't aware of, I don't know, any smart technology because I've never heard you like, you're like, I'm texting you from my watch, I'm calling you from my watch, I'm checking the weather from my watch. So excited. Well, here's why. When I was a little girl and you dream about the year 2000, I mean, we were promised these fucking 17 years ago.

I know. The funny thing is that they've been out for a while now. How long? The eye watch? I mean, at least a few years. Well, look, I grew up watching Inspector Gadget and I always, and like James Bond said, and I always used to love when Gadget would, you could take fucking phone calls. But how did you miss it the last few years?

I just, you know what it is, is that I don't wear watches generally. True. I was like, man, I don't give a fuck. I, you know, when am I missing out on? That's why I thought you, when you were, when you started showing interest, I was like, you're definitely not going to wear that because I've bought you watch. Nice watches. And I'm like, I wear it for like a week and then I forget.

You still, well, occasionally put one on and you'll wear it, you know, for a minute, but you don't regularly do it. But here's why my life changed is that with baby jeans. Okay. Here's what I do because when I go out alone with him, when you're out of town, baby jeans and I go to the country club, I have to take the fucking diaper bag, which means I can't carry a purse. So I got my fanny pack.

Yeah. Now I got the fanny pack and then I got the phone and I got the baby. I got the store. I got the shit. And every time you're texting me or let's say something, you know, I don't want to dig for my phone every two seconds. It's so irritating. I'm constantly looking for my phone.

So this way it's on my wrist and every text that comes in and I can call you like you called us and I was on the road with baby jeans and I just want to show me how you're driving. Like this. I was driving like this and I went boop hi jeans and I could fucking talk to you and I didn't have to look for my phone. Wow. I mean, I just like anything that prevents me from having to obsess about where's the

phone? Where do we go? Yeah. It's one less thing in my life to fucking do it. It is fun to see you this excited. Honestly. You mean you like my joy? I do.

I do. I don't think so. I do. I like it when I'm miserable. Why would I like it when you're miserable? I'm just kidding. I'm in love with it. Now Apple store can go fuck itself.

Yeah. I agree. Every time I've ever stepped foot in there it is an absolute misery. God forbid if something should break and you should want it fixed because that's another fucking quagmire of inefficiency. You know what happened when they did fix the computer, the pooter here, the sound drop one. Yeah.

And they fixed it and then I realized that I had an older one that has an issue, not the same issue, kind of an issue like that. So when I picked this one up I go, can you look at this one? You got to make an appointment. I'm like, come on man. You're right here. He's like, hmm. Why?

I don't know. Just help me. Help. Please. I know. There's a store where you walk in and they have to go like, what do you need? And then you're like, I want to talk to someone about this. Go wait at that table.

Then the table is eight people sitting around it. It's the coolest product and it's the absolute worst customer service. I fucking walked down there at Baby Jeans and if you have a toddler, you know that you have exactly 20 minutes to do anything before that kid has a meltdown. Those are the rules. So I've rolled them in there and I go, look man, I got 20 minutes. I'm alone with this toddler. Get me my watch.

I know what I want. I picked it out in advance. I stood there, nobody was helping me and I'm begging. Can I please give you $400? I have, I have the money. Here's my, can someone take money and no, I put you on the list. I said, no, that was 10 minutes ago. Help me.

Help me. Oh, I got busy and they're not. They're fucking doodling on their thing. Oh my God. I could have just, I have almost blew a gasket and then finally they help you and then. Do you judge, are you an agist when you're in the Apple store and they have an older employee? Never.

I would never go to an older employee. Never. Of course. Of course. Yeah. I'll take the non-binary thing with person with braces. I'll take this fifth grader over and talk to you grandpa. Of course.

They don't know what they're doing. No, I want a millennial. You're looking at a mankman? Yeah. Give me a millennial and then the worst part is I go, do you want to activate the watch now? I go, of course. What do you mean when?

I'm going to come back. So then of course I go to the, go over here. There's again, 10 people like you said and then one fucking employee helping all us old fogies activate. So every 10 seconds when, you know, then she has to come back when she fucking can. And then he's, of course, he melted down. He started screaming and crying in the middle of the store. Everybody stopped.

They were doing and stared. It's terrible. I had to give him goldfish and, you know, put him in my lab. It was terrible. It's the worst thing. But the products are so cool. It just keeps me coming back for more. They're like an abusive boyfriend and they're so mean to you.

They're a drug. They're terrible. They start getting tied into your products being tied to each other. Of course. That's, that's the real racket because you might go, oh, I want an, I want an Android. I want a different phone, but then you start to think, well, you can, but you start to think, well, will this be a headache and do I want to deal with that? That's the problem.

I know. And I want to break free. I want to try other things, you know, you do. Yeah. Wait a minute. I thought you were an apple loyalist. No, I'm not. I'm just, they, I just have products and like I said, they're tied together.

So I go, oh God. It's easier. Easy. He is convenience, but that doesn't mean I don't want to try like an Android, you know? Yeah. I still want to try it. You know what I miss is a blackberry. I know.

And I love it with the, I like the pushy button. Me too. With the actual keyboard. I'm so sick of everything I type. It never comes out accurately. It's everything. It's enraging. Yeah.

And it's, you had girls night out too. I did. I was in Boston. I did. I had dinner with girl, with girlfriends. How was that? Good. Cause I never have fun.

Like I'm, I'm really. My boy. From your, from your dinner. Babe. Babe. You recorded us talking. Yeah. Yeah.

It's terrible. You know what I think? Why I can't shit? Why? Cause of that dinner. I had pasta and meat and cheese and I didn't, I haven't had enough veggie since. Yeah. That's why I'm not shitting.

God damn it. You haven't had enough veggie you think? Yeah. It's a fiber. So I had two bowls of poop soup and a mango and some coffee. I'm hoping that I'll drum up some, some fours and fives. That dog barking bit was so funny that I feel like I have to slow it down. Well, Acton and Myosin myofilaments lie side by side and the H zones and eye band are at

maximum width. During contraction, the Acton and Myosin myofilaments interact. You bored? The Actons are at the center of each Myosin myofilament as a result the sermon is short. I like your honesty with that. Just got there. You were like, it was interesting and I'm bored. Yeah.

Didn't take very long. Yeah. Yeah. We should do this while, while we can. Um, Ros, dude, blood dunza, the instrumental. Um, You know, a lot more topics, Gene.

We got a lot more to cover. We're doing our instrument or doing our live dates. Oh, I know. But after that we got a lot to dive into. We got a lot of, We barely even scratched the surface. Who said that we're fucking done? God damn.

I'm going to be in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Jeans. Hey. Jean. Gay. Gay jeans. Wisconsin. Uh, one show this Thursday.

Come out if you're in Wisconsin, uh, Friday at the Toa Royal Oak. I'm doing that. And then Saturday and Sunday, Chicago, the Vic. There are still some tickets left. If you live in Chicago, Chicago, Illinois for the Sunday later show, um, then after that, I'm going to a bunch of places, Burlington, Vermont, Titzburg, um, New Haven, Connecticut. Come Neticut. Come Neticut.

I have Washington. All these cities. Well, Washington, Dickham. Those are all sold out. Um, I added a show in Portland, Portland, Oregon, May 13th, Eugene, Oregon, May 12th, uh, meet rattle, Washington, Seattle is, uh, has been added as well. I added a late show there April 14th. So you can get tickets to that shit dog and, uh, oh, next week, next week I have a big

announcement. It's already, it's already signed. You know about it already, but I can't announce it yet. I do. Yeah. Okay. Where I told you I was going. Remember?

Oh yeah. Yes. Yeah. Very good. That'll be fun. Yeah. Go ahead, Gene. Um, April 13th through 15th, I'm at the Brea Improv.

Now what would Brea be? Fuck. There's nothing for Brea. Diabrea. There you go. Genius. April 28th through 29th, uh, Sac Twisting Mento. Yeah.

The Punchline. Great club. Great club. May 4th through 5th, Fartnix, Arizona at Stand Up Live. May 19th through 20th, Jewdork Titties at Gotham Comedy Club. Yeah. June 1st through 3rd. What's Denver?

Monver? Yeah. I think. Denver Comedy Works, the downtown location. And then June 16th through 17th, Man Friend Disco at the Punchline Comedy Club. I can't wait to see you guys there. It's going to be fun. Yeah.

Also, check out That's a Deep Row. This week I talk about feeling like an imposter. And then you'll have an announcement to make. I will. But I'm not official. Save it. Save it. Oh, and I supposed to say that, uh, 420, bro, uh, Dallas, Dallas, Texas at the house

of bruise. How do you say bruise? I added a show and then I go to Houston, Texas in the next few days. All right. How do you say bruise? How do you say bruise? As-oh. As-oh.

Um, this I thought you might like. I don't know if you'd seen this or not, but I, I had this pulled for you. Oh. But you might enjoy. Would you consider a grown-ass man a shit-in into an adult diaper and you having to clean it up? Gross? What do you consider those hangers?

Low. That was some big old slaps. Damn. Yeah. She used to get those slap wagons under control. Yeah. Those are mushy burples. Yeah.

Damn, bitch. Get it brought. She's not wearing a bra. Well, look how big those are. She's crazy. Yeah. That's got to hurt the back, right? She's not even sitting like that.

She's crazy. She's not even sitting in a chair. Dude, look at those dumpers. She needs to fucking harness those pigs. Disco tits. And I'm a feminist ex-waka and an autist. Sure is disco tits. Disco tits.

Those are hangers. Look at those milkers. Oh, she's got, uh, what's it called? Piercings. Piercings in those. Yeah. Dude, those flappers are nasty. Look, I can see that she's got, she's got tattoos on a teddy too.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you nasty girl. Chespis. Disco tits. Man, what do you think those weigh? Uh, I'll tell you, as somebody that's got big mushers, I don't know. I feel like they're five each at least.

Yeah. She's got a nice face. No, she's, she's beautiful. She's fine. And just big old hangers. Big old sloppers. Yeah, dude. I just, I, can I tell you, as somebody that has huge hangers, not wearing a bra, it's,

it's just so uncomfortable for me. I can't imagine it being a regular thing. Maybe she's got them working and she's like, oh. Yeah. That's the best feeling when you get home from a long day. Yeah. You take your bra off. It's the best.

Is there something equivalent for men? Um, I think pants off for men is like a big thing. You just walk around your boxer. I love walking around my boxers. Yeah. You do it all the time in front of the nanny. In front of everyone. Hi, Mr. Tom.

I don't need to see your penis. Your lingam power is very strong. You want coconut oil massage? No. No, I don't. I'm a pimp. I guess I'm my own pimp. I meet most of my clients online through websites that I have profiles on.

That page is like Craig's List, but most things like services, like sex work. I have a hook of Twitter and I get clients from that. Funny enough. Twitter. Twitter. You can get clients from Twitter. Yeah. I think that's actually the safest place.

You can kind of vet them a little bit and see. Where's this egg from? Yeah. Yeah. This egg from exactly. Yeah. I did it. I did it.

London roots. Damn. Kind of like 150 from Ireland. It's not bad. But also I do discounts depending on my clients, so if they're regulars and things like that. Kind of sex work I do ranges from webcam to escorting, making porn and domination services. Maybe some bowl. Kickin, punchin.

Mm-hmm. Your favorite. Gerabuggin. Yeah. Radfems. I.e. Swerves. A swerve is sex work or sex work exclusionary feminists.

Exclusionary. Who basically also turf, so trans exclusionary radical feminists. What? A swerve would be like someone who's like anti-sex work, who's a feminist, who's anti-sex work. It's a lot of whorephobia basically. That's why. What's?

Ho-phobia. Oh, ho-phobia. Yeah. If you're anti-sex worker, then you're, you're ho-phobic. Yeah, I got it. Hey, I got it. I agree. Yeah.

You agree what? If you're anti-sex worker. That you're. As a feminist. Yeah. Yeah, maybe it's a little ho-phobic. Yeah. I don't know what that means.

You're phobic. I'm pro-sex worker. That's why. Yeah. I've always been pro-sex work. A lot of women don't have many options. Yeah. It's a pretty decent, I mean.

Sure. Especially if you're not getting beaten by a pimp. Yeah. You open your own shop. Me too, man. Roadbeave. Like, I don't understand a feminist who will say that they're like pro, like, women's movements and they're pro, like, women have an agency.

But then when it comes to sex work, they're completely against it. When in fact, actually sex work can give a lot of women an agency, it's better than being in like. Oh, she's got a slut test. A women's job, right? I don't know about that. I mean. I don't know about that.

I've always chosen the minimum wage job, bursal, like, in sex work. I was really looking for. Anyone. I just hate women. Under. He was like this really old man who was like in his like 70s or 80s and he wanted like hardcore spanking and he was going into surgery the next week and he was like, I might not come out of it alive.

So go for it. Okay. But he was super lovely. I never saw him again. So I don't know what happened. The Brits love that spanking shit. Yeah. You know that they're hard.

And I really applaud an old guy going in for surgery. Doing that. Oh, yeah. You realize that guy was probably like, this really might be my last hurrah. Yeah. Give me a good old spanking. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. Yeah. Well, there you go. I was looking for the, I don't see the clip for, she asked them what's the, they asked her what's the weirdest request. I definitely have had difficult relationships in the park. People, I don't even date men anymore. So I'm polyamorous and I only date queer people.

I don't even date men anymore. So not dating men has made it a lot easier. Oh, that's cool. Now a lot of my partners are also sex workers or have been sex workers or also just generally open-minded and polyamorous. Yeah. Polly's the way to go. Polly's the way to go.

Polly's the way to go. Obviously. Obviously. But they, okay. They asked her what's the craziest request. That's what I was looking for. Oh yeah. Yeah.

If somebody asked her to suck off their dog for 10 grand. No, there's no amount of money. Oh, she did. She did? No, she didn't. Oh, that's good to say. You wouldn't suck off a dog for 10 grand? No, bestiality is off the table.

I have boundaries, babe. Yeah. But you're not hurting the dog. They're just kissing his penis. No, stop it. They're innocents. They're like children. No.

You wouldn't suck off a child for $10,000? Why? Would you let your granddad jerk you off on a Ferris wheel? Of course. If it meant I'm not retarded. Oh, that was the best part that we forgot. In at lunch with Dampania, he said retard. Yeah.

Retards. A lot. Loud in a nice restaurant many times. Yeah. And it nearly caused me to lose my life. Yeah, so funny. Because it was during bites and he'd be like, yeah, you know, I'm just, I'm just kind of hauling these retards all over the goal line.

And I was like, like, I could not control myself. You know, what I like Dampania, like, I mean, I've said it before is that you just remind me of almost everybody in my family. Sure. He's just Hungarian. Like that's an old school Hungarian person the way he talks. Mentality, yeah. That's just everything I've heard.

No nonsense. Yeah, like, actually I would say even my stepdad was like that too, just hardcore immigrant style, dude. It's old school. That's all that is. I like it. Hard knocks kind of shit. Hard cocks, definitely.

Hard knocks. Hard dicks. What? So you had a really, you had a really neat massage. Yeah. Man. I was all, please talk about this. I love this so much.

There's an app you can use. You're going to put this in your app because I think it's so funny. Yeah, there's an app. I don't know if I want to, should we tell, should we say the app? It doesn't matter. Don't say the app. Don't give them a free fucking. Okay.

So there's an app. They can pay like everyone else. Yeah. There's an app where you can, you can be anywhere. You can be home. You can be in a city. I mean, not everybody, not every city obviously. So it kind of like Uber.

You can be in your hammock. Yeah. You can be in your hammock taking a dump. Costa Rica, but I don't know if they have them there yet, but anyways. So massage therapists, scientists who basically work anywhere can also join this. And then they're on, they're basically, they get a ping just like you would if you were an Uber driver. Do you want to go take this appointment?

Like that. So you put in your request. I want 60 minutes, 90 minutes. This is the time. And this is the. That's how prostitution should be by the way. Yeah. I'm probably, I'm sure it's going there.

Don't they have an app? They should have an app where you can just be like, I want a dom. I want a girl to change my diaper. I want to be spanked. Bang, show up. That's great. That's not happening. That's probably a whole legal issue.

The law. The law is probably their problem. Not in Nevada though, right? No. So anyways, I've had a long week. I'm in a hotel and I go, you get a nice massage, go to bed. So I use the app. A person can send you a confirmation.

Someone's coming at this time. You know, that's all. Whatever. Then the person texts you. Oh, you're at this hotel. Yeah. Cool. Shows up.

It's like Karen and Trish came to life. Both of them together. Yeah. Morphed into one. I kind of feel it was, yeah, it was Chris. Traren. Yeah. Chris and Traren showed up at the same time.

Oh my life. You know, a little beat down, a little down on life. One of the first things that I noticed, which you don't always notice, which you always get with a massage therapist, was the strong smell of cigarette smoke. Usually that profession brings in a more health-conscious person. But I was really flattered that prior to her coming up, she had a nice cigarette. Yeah. I got to tell you, because I've had it happen too at the Thai places, you know, you literally

see them in the alleyway, like, but not that cigarette looming up and coming for you. Like, dude, you know, and in the food service industry, in the massage industry, doctors, dentists, if someone can smell your hands, you probably shouldn't smoke immediately before touching them. Well, also too. It's not okay. It's just a little bit painful. If you're even when you're facedown, especially when you're face up, that person's face is

also right next to you. So they're breath. A lot of times you pick up on their breath. You know, if they ate something, you get a whiff of it. The best part about cigarette smokers, because I was a smoker for 17 years, is that it just comes out of your pores. It permeates. It's out of every orificis, and comes out of your nostrils too.

You just, you're a dragon, you smell like shit. You smell terrible. Yeah. It's a horrible smell. I loved smoking, and I still... So did I. I enjoyed it. If I could, I would.

I was a more social smoker, but I really enjoyed it. I love it. It's a fantastic habit. Yeah. Now, it's terrifically bad for you, but I enjoyed smoking for a long time. But go ahead. So Trish. So Trish.

So Trish. So Trish. So Trish. So Trish. So Trish. So Trish. So Trish, you know, massaging, and then I heard her go, and had like a big throat clearing collar about Smokers cough, and then would go, excuse me.

And I was like, it's okay. It was alarming. It wasn't okay. What were you going to say? Did her phone go off, or did she silence it? Because you've also had that one. It went off, and she apologized, turned that off. She was nice enough, but she also was, she's tried, she tried to start conversation.

That's rule number one. You know, and I'm like, oh, and so she was like, where are you from? And I was like, Los Angeles, yeah, in town for work, or, yeah. What do you do? I said, I'm a consultant, just tech stuff. Yeah. You got friends here? No.

You got kids? Where's this going? Yeah. She wants to date you, dude. Because you have a minor older. Yeah, interesting. Is that why you smoke? Fucking, they're all gone, huh?

I just was like, please stop. She picked up on that. I hate it. Wait, can I give you what I'll tell you, what I do to preempt any sort of conversation during a massage? Yeah. What I do when they go, any areas troubling you, I tell them the areas and then I go, oh, but I'm just looking to fall asleep.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm probably going to pass out. You warn them ahead, I'm going to pass out here, so don't fucking say anything. That's a good point. And that helps a lot. She also, when I was falling asleep, see a lot of times if you get, if you get massaged regularly, you'll know that sometimes when, especially if you're face down, they can't see your face.

So you thought the massage therapist will whisper to you in a very calm, soothing, almost halfway asleep voice. They'll say, you're doing all right? You okay? So that you feel it gently, the question. Yeah. Tom, it's time to turn over now. Oh yeah, just take your time.

They're going to take your time. So I'm in that, that part where you're not quite asleep, you're definitely not fully awake. And then I hear, you're doing all right? I was like, oh my God. I mean, she said it so close to me and so loud that I almost shit my pants, I almost shit on her table. And I was like, yeah.

She was like, all right, turn over now. Yeah. And then did you get a whiff of her breath when she whispered to you? Oh yeah. She got close to you. Oh, the breath. Yeah, all right. The extra cigarette breath.

The cigarette breath was hard. The hands, luckily, because I was also like, oh, sometimes therapists start with their hands under the table so you can smell them, they'll have aromatherapy on them. Right. And I was like, oh man, her hands are going to stink, but right away she had some lotion on them. So it was masking the cigarette smell there. It was definitely on the breath.

There was no, there was no attempt to mask either, which I also appreciate it. There was no gum. No mint. Yeah. Again, that really is an occupation where generally your health comes out. What percentage of the time do you think do you normally run into a non-smoker? 98%. Yeah, it's pretty rare.

Very rare. Like I said, the Asian ones, sometimes in the alleyway, they'll be smoking. Yeah. Or the worst is when you go to the Thai place and they're cooking their smelly food in the microwave and you can smell their food. Wow. It's racist. Their food stinks.

Yeah. And you smell, you can smell them or you can hear them eating in the break room. That's depressing. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. But I was going to tell you, generally, yeah, you don't really run into those types. Yeah.

So last week after... I had a really good point to make about this about momsage. Oh, you did? About momsage? I'm not smoking. It'll come back to me. Yeah. We've both been a while now with no cigarettes.

10 years for me. Yeah. 10 years. Yeah. 11 or 8. Crazy. Yeah. I started to smoke when I was 25.

Which is late in life. It is. You got to start early if you really want to go. I started to enjoy it more around shows. Oh, it's the best time. Or before is that? No, it's the best time. But I just, at a certain point, I was like, I got to stop doing this.

It's, you know, I hit 30 and I was like, I can't do this past 30. Yeah. I'm going to die. Because I started when I was 13 years old and it was great for stand-up too, you're right. Because the nerves that I used to get, like I would just chain smoke before and then after the relief smoke was great. And then also the beer smokes.

Drinking and smoking together. Coffee and smoking. Fantastic. Yeah. All really good stuff. Wine is everything, man. Shit, man. Come on.

Don't, you know. But I don't really miss it. I used to miss it when I would smell it on other people and now it's not the same. I'm over it. Right. The last week after the mom cast was done, I think you all know we love the movie. We went to a movie that everyone's talking about. I've been dying to see it since I saw the trailer a couple of months ago and that is Jordan

Peele's movie, Get Out. I really, really enjoyed it. So did I, but I wish I would have been given a heads up. Why a heads up? Because you're like, let's go to the movies. There's this thing I want to see. And I was like, yeah, great. What is it?

You're like, oh, best if I don't tell you. Yeah. I thought so. Is it like a romantic comedy? Is it like a fun thing? Yeah. It's fun. And it's much like when, when I watched 12 years of slave and you told me that was a

comedy and then about halfway through it, I wake you up and I'm like, babe, this is not funny. This is not a funny movie. Yeah. Well, there's a couple of things we should, I guess we could start at the 12 years of slave. I thought with the name of the movie and the press that the movie was getting, no idea that, that you might have known how not funny it was going to be.

But I thought it'd be like a dark comedy. Nope. Maybe like Django. There's, there's moments where it was, it was, you know, horrible and then Tarantino. Yeah. Yeah. This is not that. Anyways, when you asked me, I remember I had just gotten back from overseas and so I

was, I was so jet lagged, I couldn't keep my eyes open. I was like, you'll love it. It's really funny. And I passed out. And then when you were like, there's nothing funny in that. I couldn't believe, because it's the point in the movie where you asked me if the movie was, you're like, this is fucked up was in the beginning, there's a murder. One of the, why, you know, it's the kills a guy and throw him off the back of the ship.

You're like, Oh my God, is this going to be like this? And I go, no, it gets really funny. Yeah. You told me it was going to get funny. Yeah. I know. But I really didn't think that you bought into that. I believe you when you say thanks.

I believe you. I didn't realize. You're the worst. So, but this time I didn't come on. This wasn't that level of, no, but I, I have to, I tell you that I really enjoyed this movie. I really liked it. But I always like, I always hate when people are a wrongfully accused, like those type

of movies make me nuts. And then I, I hate when people are so victimized, yeah, like this movie, I get so like good out. Like I feel, and I feel so bad for them. I hate it. Yeah. We don't want to, I definitely don't want to ruin this movie. It's a good movie though.

Go see it. It's really good. I mean, yeah, the, the, the setup is that it, you know, I would say it deals with race and it deals with race relations in a really clever story. And there's so many small, you know, subliminal things and suggestions and metaphors throughout the movie. Yeah. It's what kind of movie.

People are seeing it twice because you do catch it. I want to see it now. I would like to see it a second time. Yeah. I just took, see the stuff that I didn't see the first time. And it's Jordan Peele who, you know, a lot of people know from Key and Peele wrote it and directed it. And it did, it was made for four and a half million dollars and over the weekend it crossed

a hundred million dollars. It's amazing. Excellent. Good. Yeah. Do it. Go see it. Help support another comic.

You know, as the best part too is that we saw it with a lot of black people in the audience. We did. Which was way fun too. It was really good. Because there's a lot of cheering, there's a lot of screaming, a lot of like, damn, boy. So I was like, homeboy.

It was really funny. Laugh. It's a theater experience. Yeah. This will be different if you rent it. If you rent it out and when it gets to iTunes, if you, you know, if you see a screen or something, it will, this is a fun movie theater experience. Yeah.

My advice is that if you're considering going to the movies, see that movie, because it's going to be out of the theater soon. You know, these movies don't, it's already done a run. If you, if you think about it, movies now are in theaters for like two weeks. Right. So I would go see it, try to go see it at a black theater because it really does change the entire experience. Do you remember the guy that was kept yelling homeboy?

Oh yeah. That was the funniest shit I've ever did. Or when, when certain things happen to certain characters, I don't want to give anything away. Man, the cheers, the screams, it was, it was really, really, really fun. It was fun. It was cool. Yeah. Really cool.

Yeah. That's really good. People were really going crazy. Now the only thing I've never done, I've never seen a Medea movie in the theater and I'd like to do that because they know me. I love the Medea movies. I love to see one. I want to go to like a black theater though and see it.

Yeah. I'm pretty cool. Yeah. That would be, that's something we can, we can set that up. I think we can. Because I ain't going out like that. Yeah. Well, this is for you because obviously you don't know how to do this.

Oh, Christ. Oh. You can crack them this way. You can crack them that way. And we've all done this. No matter how you crack them, you'll always end up picking out eggshells. Yeah. Alright, Laura.

Introduce the Easy Cracker. Yeah. Finally. The ingenious new product that lets you crack open eggs, separate eggs, even crack hard boiled eggs easily without the mess. I need it. So easy. Simply insert an egg into the cradle and squeeze to instantly crack and release.

I can't believe this is real. This is real because it's a problem. It's a problem. Did you see the examples? Like they're every... Ah. They... You can crack them.

Just smash it. Stupid. I'm so stupid. Fuck. It was you right there on the counter. Fuck yeah. Biggest cremation, babe. No more messy.

Oh, God. I gotta clean up everything. Fuck, I just keep wrapping it in. The cracker separates any size egg from its shell in once. Oh. So you crack them neatly right in the pan. Don't fuss. No mess.

No fuss. I ain't fussing over it. Hey, you can wear your khakis too. Mom, will you make more eggs? Separating eggs are a habit. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Separator attachment too. Just place egg in the cradle and squeeze to divide the yolk. Wow. Oh, and it catches the yolk. Wow. If it works that way. What would get me? You think that it doesn't work that way?

It never works. I guarantee it. Oh. Shells and everything. Fuck the shells. Easy cracker. Easy cracker. That reminds me of a new show I got you.

Why don't you make a new album and call it Easy Cracker. You should do that. Fucking cracker. Oh, my God. You call me that? Yeah. I just got you into the Great British Baking Show. You did.

I've seen bits and pieces of one of the earlier seasons you were watching and it got enough. I got enough interested where. I'm into it, dude. Season two, I got, I love it. I like it. I like baking because it's so hard and it's so scientific and the. There's a really perverse satisfaction that I get from watching them make it, showing it, wanting to eat it and then not eating it.

Yeah. Well, you know what I like to do. It's like pornography or something. Yeah. Like we have a fragrance maker. What is that called in the room? Jane, the diffuser. Yeah.

Yeah. And I put in sugar cookie oil and vanilla oil and I diffuse that smell in the room and I like candles and that way I feel like I'm, I'm being a bad girl without actually eating the treats. I feel like I had a dessert when I. Yeah. You know. That's why I watch it.

We were off the carbs. We're off the sugar, but I can watch someone else bake it and I like that. Yeah. And some of them make it. It's an artistic element where the things are, are beautiful and all those British teeth and it's just all so nice. Yeah. Season two's teeth were horrific and we just started season three and those teeth are way

better. Yeah. But season two. Wolf talk about the dog pound and those teeth really bad and that's the stereotype with, you know, British people and I hate to say it, but season two really fulfilled that stereotype. True. Really exciting dental update guys. Please, please.

Now, and as irony and fate would have it, this segment started Tom when I had a root canal a few years ago and had to put a crown on this bottom back molar. I remember. And that's when this started dental updates full circle. I'm having this crown replaced again because it was done incorrectly the first time and it didn't line up with the rest of my teeth. So I have a temp in there. Can I see?

Yeah. Can you see it? Is it? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the wrong color.

It's all white. Yeah. Like really, really white. Yeah. Steve Harvey's going. And the lady told me, the dentist told me, he goes, now, you don't want to chew anything hard or sticky because it'll tear it out. And if that happens on a weekend, don't call me because I don't want to open the office

to just put a temp back in. What you can do is go down to the store and get some denture cream and just glue it back in until Monday. Hmm. I was like, well, that's a really neat thing to say. Thank you, doctor. Yeah. We don't really do that for you.

That's what that means. I would do that for Steve or a friend. Yeah. But luckily, knock on wood. I haven't ripped it out yet. The thing is, every time I've ever had a temp tooth in, I've had temp teeth in a few times. They always fucking fall out. Always.

But you know what he told me, which was interesting, is that because I've had this tooth root canaled, he's like, if the crown falls off, it doesn't matter. It can't rot. Right. If you can't get bacteria and it's already dead. I'm like, that's neat. That's kind of an interesting story. Yeah.

Now, the struggle for me has been though, I can't floss around the temp. And I've been eating, I ate some meat the other day, got wedged in there, baking this morning. It's all wedged in there and I can't do a fucking thing about it. Just wait till they take it out. It's going to stink. It's going to stink really bad. And I've been flossing all the other teeth, but it's nasty.

It's all nasty. God damn, you got to be so nasty. Here's the good news. Now, listen, here's the second part to my update. So I found out that my veneers actually can't be stained. So this whole time I've been worried about that, standing my veneers. But my natural teeth can be stained. So I'm going to whiten my teeth to match my veneers.

Because it's been a couple of years since I've whitened. And then when are you going to do that though? I'm going to do that the day I get my new crown next week. I'm going to do bang bang. The crown takes 15 minutes and then I'm going to have him whiten in the office. It's very exciting. And you're going to be super jealous when you see how beautiful my teeth are. I don't know.

I'm most thinking I might actually do my whitening trays tonight. You always say that, which you never do. I'm going to do it tonight. You always say that. I'm going to do it tonight. I'm going to do it tonight during the show. You always say that. They're the Great British Baking Show.

Yeah. Okay. And we took Ellis to the dentist for the first time too. And he had a dental check. Yeah. He had flying colors because mom's been brushing his teeth already. Yeah. He got a really good report.

Yeah. He really loved having his teeth checked too. He hated that. Yeah. It was fucking terrible. It was horrifying. Anyway. You've been having trouble.

Yeah. Are we going to talk about this really? Next up, brown talk. Brown talk coming up. You've been warned. What happened? What's going on with you? I've been, I'm not trying to show off, but I've been doing so well.

No, you are showing off. I don't know. It's just so easy. I don't know. You've been bragging about your browns all day today. Yeah. And you had, I mean, you made changes yesterday because you had trouble yesterday. And then you said, oh, I'm going to have some, what's some fruit?

Okay. So yesterday, yesterday is when it happened. I had some ones. I made a number. Oh, that's rough. Yeah. They're kibbles. And then I thought, if I have some mango that usually pushes down the brown.

Yeah. Didn't work. That's usually a go to. So today I made. Coffee to start the day. Of course it did nothing. It pushed out a few kibbles. Yeah.

And then I made poops. Yeah. You made poop soup. And you had two bowls. Two bowls. And a third bowl. We're going to start to see some action because I'm already feeling the fart. Yeah.

And I had a mango and more coffee. And when I got back in here, you were farting on the couch. Yeah. I had a fart. Yeah. So we'll see. Do you know what the problem is? What?

Saturday I broke the diet. I had a ton of sugar. I had wine. I had pasta and cheese. So my body is fucked. I got to get back on fiber. It's all about the fiber intake. No, last night we were laying in bed and you go, what do you think?

Do you think I'm going to fart or do I have to shit? Yeah. And I said, judging by your, it's your travel day. Yeah. And usually when you announce it like this, when you, when you question it, that means a shit's coming. Yeah. And you, but you were breaking it down for me.

I started to laugh. Yeah. And the laughing prompted me to go. Isn't that right? I got to go. I got to go now. Yeah. And then you had a shit today when you got home.

Oh, and one this morning. Yeah. Why is God blessing you so much? God blesses you. Why don't you rub off some of that chocolate on me? No, no, no. Just the way it goes. The way it goes.

Pretty lucky guy. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. I feel bad for you actually. I do too. I hate being cost, I hate number ones. I hate type one.

It's not even a shit. Oh, we should talk about it. The Facebook page. Oh my God. Oh my God. Dirty and disgusting. Um, so you guys know that we have a Facebook page and we post some stuff there. Um, we've been doing actually Facebook live videos after the podcast is done recording.

So like when we're done with this right now, we'll post a video live from here. Um, hopefully I'll be browning. Yeah. So that's something that we started doing. And anyways, there's that, but there, some fans that listened to the show started a live or a Facebook group. It's called, um, you have to Facebook group. Yeah.

Facebook group. So you don't, there's, there's your mom's house podcast page. That's us. And then your, your mom's house podcast group. So search under groups on to go to the group tab on Facebook and put in your mom's house. And that is some of the funniest shit, man. It's fantastic. They are killing it.

I mean, and people are posting stuff all the time and the comments are fucking hysterical. Um, there's, I didn't realize people really like the Jimmy Dean sausage bit so much. There's a lot of people posting that people are like, I took a brown today, like just posted. Yeah. Uh, Oh, here's brown talk. Uh, this was really, this made me laugh really hard.

This is, uh, somebody posted this. This is my mom's mushy perp, mushy purple patty here. I just wanted to say that I saw my mommy last night, Tommy Buns in boss come at mom's Massachusetts. We drove two hours to see the champ. We're not disappointed. I was pleased to see that he finally took Christina's advice to perform his jokes as a mentally challenged person.

His performance put to shame. Tom Hanks in forest gum, Sean Penn in I am retarded. The man can do anything. Yeah. It was overwhelming to be in the presence of greatness. He was perfection in human form. Tom was so good at one point. I forgot that he wasn't retarded.

Game changer. He is paving the road for a future comedians. I wouldn't be surprised if you saw other people trying to copy his act, just don't have the Stanema to pull it off. Hopefully we can, he, he can, he just keeps pushing and training. You know what I'm saying. Tom Segura is retard champ. Wow.

There's a lot of posts like that. Just funny shit, man. Well, I tell you. Memes, photo shops, videos. They found the thing that I love about this is that I've been wanting this since day one is a place for mommies to go and meet each other and make new friends. Yeah. I wish we could do a dating site.

That's just people who love our show. And then they can meet other, you know, guys, gals, non-binaries who are just came out with this too. There's, there's like 3,500 people. Yeah. And that grew over the weekend. Yeah. And they're doing like dad posts, brown posts.

One person wrote, it was my favorite. He's like, I figured it out. This is just, your mom's house is a place for immature adults. They're right. And it's totally true. Yeah. It's totally true. It's true.

Now I'm a member of the group, but, but I, I, did you join? Yeah. Did they accept your membership? Yeah. Of course. And whether or not to join cause I'm like, Oh, is this going to be weird for people? Will they be like, this is like your parent looking at your Facebook page? Oh, right.

No. Yeah. I know what you mean, but I don't think so. I don't think that's happening. Um, pretty funny though. It's, it makes me laugh a lot. There's some really funny stuff. One person posted something recently.

They were like, Hey guys, real talk. Does it bother you ever that they talk about brown talk? And everybody is like, no, the only thing better than brown talk is burping or what? I saw a guy, some guy wrote in like, what's going on with this group? I thought this was something else. Like what's this all about? Yeah. Yeah.

He got lit up with 300 plus comments. I mean, I love it, but I really funny stuff. Like people like your jeans are low and loose. You need to get your life. Uh, you don't have any cum in your balls. Like nobody actually answered. They just used all jokes. Uh, it's so funny cause somebody was like, I have to quit my job because it's getting

in the way of enjoying this Facebook group. It's true. I'm on there and I keep looking at it. So funny dude. Oh, there it is. For a long time, a long time, people always asked us to do something besides. I think I feel my brown building. Oh good.

So we finally did a hoodie. This is a super, super soft hoodie. Like, you know, there's that material that's very soft, kind of lighter hoodie. It's a lighter, like a spring hoodie. Yeah. So when you're kind of in between the seasons, maybe this is a good, it's not like a super heavy one or a summer Eve. Really great material.

And it says Jean. Singular. Singular. Because that's our new name. Jean. In denim lettering, but very well done. It's on the, it's in the store. So, uh, thank you as always for your support.

I think you'll, you'll very much enjoy it. Jean. For those of you who don't know this, the references, at first we call each other Jean's, Mommy Jean's, Jean's. Yeah. And then we had a worker in our home. Was it the carpenter, the old man who shit in my house? It was the electrician.

Electrician. He came here and he, within five minutes of meeting me, took a dump in our bathroom. Yeah. But he heard Tom calling me Jean's. And so when we answered the door and the intercom, he goes, hey Jean, it's me. And I was like, did he just call me Jean? Yeah. And it happened.

And then the, the name has morphed. It's Jean. Yeah. So. Jean Saint-Jean. And when you went to Canada, I called you Jean Saint-Jean. Jean Saint-Jean. Jean Belgian.

Yeah. When you're in Canada. Very exciting stuff. So we're very excited about the hoodie. Check it out when you get a chance. All right. Jean Saint-Jean. Jean Saint-Jean.

This came in. I haven't heard it, but I'm already excited. Mila Kunis. Yeah. Mila Kunis. I like her. She's my tribe. She's not Hungarian, but she's like.

She's Ukrainian. Yeah. Yeah. Apparently she has some really profound vocal fry. Shut up. Inside the rack houses of Jim Bean, thousands of barrels lay silent. Oh yeah. And that doesn't mean anything.

In fact, inside each and every Jim Bean barrel, the bourbon is aging, building a fuller, smoother flavor. Yeah. That only comes from being aged for long years. Oh yeah. Our history is made from the inside. I'm guessing that she's trying to sound more sultry. Yeah.

So she's going lower. And maybe that's why it's coming out. She speaks Russian. She does speak Russian. Yeah. She's a smart broad. I like that. That doesn't mean they like idol.

She's here to idol. She's ready to ask for a kutcher. Kutchner. Yeah. Kutcher. Flavor. Flavor. They're there.

For long years. Yeah. Big time. Yeah. Inside. Oh. Oh my. Dragon those octaves out.

Play silent. Play silent. Yeah. It's pretty good. It's pretty good. There. It's always there. How about this?

Yeah. Hi everybody. I'm Stase Ho. And today I'm going to teach you how to fanny fart. Oh Jesus Christ. It's a fanny fart. She's queefing. Yeah.

She's going to teach you how. No thanks. How do you get the air in? Yeah. Oh. Because I don't just queef when I lay on my back. It doesn't just come out. Well how would you teach someone to do it?

I don't know how to do it on command. I don't know how. I mean it's only accidentally that that's happened. Accidental queef. Why don't you pay attention? All right. So get in a nice position while you're in a nice position. Now elevate your legs and your bosom.

Now first of all we need to get air into your feel. That's the sucking. So you use your whole. Yeah. And use your muscles to tense. Yeah. I got it. And then it will come in.

Right. That's good instruction so far. So now we can push it out. And it might spark some sound which is a fanny fart. A fanny fart. I'll give you a few examples. This girl's great. She's great.

What do you think her friend's situation is like? What do you think her dating situation is like? What do you think her parenting situation is like? Go. I think her friends say she's the best loyal friend. Yeah. Good girl. Yeah.

A lot of guys feel like she is too gross. Yeah. She doesn't have a lot of long term relationships. No. No. Well look. It's one thing to know how to do this. She's closer to her dad.

Yeah. What else? Well it's one thing to do this in front of your buddies. Yeah. Like drunk. Yeah. It's another thing to actively make a video and put it online. That's a really bold choice.

Yeah. I mean. It's far. Also elevate the sound of your fanny fart by moving your legs in different positions. Fanny fart. A fanny is your cooch. Yeah. Oh yeah.

That's a bit of a sloppy one. Yeah. Now is she Australian or English though? No. She's Aussie. Yeah. She's using the same principles of changing the pitch of your butt farts with her fanny farts.

Well that's an interesting idea. Yeah. She's telling you if you move your legs like this and up and down. God. Remember last night when we were getting the snack? Yeah. A goddamn snack. Yeah.

You were walking towards me in the kitchen and you went, you burped and then you lifted your leg up and you farted. Yeah. That was really special. I was really disappointed that I couldn't get them in sequence. All right. Because you go together. Because you went, you went, it's not, it's not a double pipe.

It's not a double pipe. Yeah. Maybe. You were like, it was seconds away. It's not like you kept. Half a second away. Yeah. You were emphatic that it wasn't.

And you know, I wasn't even thinking that. I was just like, look at the choreography on that. That leg. You did a leg lift. You burped. I was blown away by your moves. I could tell. You were very turned on.

I could tell. You were very sexual. Let's see. That's a bit of a sharp one, as you see, and that tends to hurt some girls' vaginas. All right. So. Oh, right. I keep forgetting that sort of vagina.

Oh, you forget? I just forgot. I can't stop thinking about it. I just forgot about it. How'd you forget? I don't know. I just, for a moment, I got distracted by the story of my great fart and then I forgot. I'll just show you some more.

Oh. You know, it just releases all your pain, your angriness, so your stress. It just helps you to relax, get the air out. You think it smells? No. All right. Not at all? Her vagina?

Well, just in general. In general. I don't think so. It shouldn't. It depends if your pussy smells. Right. If you have a strong odor down there, then the wind coming out of it probably. It's going to smell, right?

But I mean, you know, if you have a, keep it clean, you shouldn't. Yeah. Oh, and I hope you learned something from today. Yeah. Bye, everybody. That was really nice. Thank you, lady. Yeah.

That was kind of a sweet video. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. You know, I'm glad we can't make out her face too much. For her benefit. Would you date the Queef Girl? Be honest. No, let's say like, I'm the Queef Girl.

What if I made that video when I was 20 years old and everybody in the club was like, listen, Tom, have you seen Christina's Queef video? I know you guys are dating. Oh, yeah. I don't know. No, I wouldn't be a deal breaker. I mean, you're a comic and I would probably find it endearing and funny. You know, I would still go out with you.

Would you demand that I do the Queef? I'm sure it would come up. I'm sure it would come up. I don't think that you could have that out there and me be like, I'll just overlook that completely. No, I would ask about it. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you want me to learn how to do that? I think it would add a little spark. Something fun. If two wheels are locked on an axle so that they are not free to turn separately, one or the other has to slide. So engineers had to find a way to connect both rear wheels to the engine without sliding and slipping on turns. The device which makes this possible is a part of the rear axle.

The differential looks complicated. But once we understand its principle, it is amazingly simple. These two wheels are mounted on separate. And I should find that interesting. My dad was a mechanic. Of course. Yeah. But I just don't care.

I don't care. Yeah. I kind of want to know how cars work, but you know, not really. You want to see a dad boner before we get out of here? Yeah, I love dad boners. This is a dad boner. I think he's feeding birds. Let me see if this says anything here.

Dad boner goes to the park, feed birds. Aw. And he's stoked by how many there are. Aw. I love it already. I don't know if y'all can see or not, but there's a bunch of damn birds out there in that mud. They're all over the damn place.

I got me a little soccer bread in here. See my bread? I'm gonna see. Can I throw this bread up in the air? See that some of them birds see me over here? I bet that they will. Whoa. Something tells me he's not from Boston.

Jesus. Uh-oh. Good Lord. Look at that. Look at that little bird. See me coming with all my food and everything. No. Look out.

Oh, look at him. Good Lord. That's a bird, girl. I'm telling y'all. Look at these damn things. Locking down me and all my bread. That's hilarious. He's really excited.

Oh, look at him screaming and me and all for this bread. What the hell? What they screaming? They want some old bread. Look at them all coming in here flying around. All of them. They don't laugh. They don't laugh.

They don't think it's over here. I don't know what the hell they're doing. It's a bunch of them. Look at them down there. Look at them down there. Look at them down there. Look at them down there. Look at them down there.

Look at them down there. They don't laugh. They don't laugh. What the hell are they doing? It's a bunch of them. Look at them down there. Look at them down there. Come on, get that bread.

I don't know if I constitute him as a dad-boner or necessary. No. I'm excited. I'm about as excited as he is right now. Yeah. I mean he's definitely excited, but he doesn't have that dad vibe necessary. No. Now it's there.

Yeah. He's a gay black dad-boner. He's on the road. Yeah. That's dangerous. That's cool. I like breedin' birds like that. Yeah.

I get excited over that. That's some birds, girl. That's some birds, girl. Yeah. They're coming over here. Gene, for our closing song, somebody did a freestyle over the Fill Her Up. Oh. Let me see.

Okay. Girl. Up and Cumber reached out to Ollie Zezer. Oh, okay. So Ollie makes a lot of great songs. Yes. Yes. So the Up and Cumber got the beat to Fill Her Up from Ollie Zezer and rapped over

it. Very cool. That's what this is. Very cool. I'm looking. I'm like looking at, I'm waiting for the video to come out. Dummy. It's Ramsey McQueen.

Oh, okay, Ramsey. As always, thank you for listening. Go to your mom's house, podcast.com, tomcigura.com for tickets to shows. Also the store is there if you want the Gene hoodie and thousand ranch.com for Gene to get tickets to her show. I think that's it, Gene. That's it, mommy. All right.

Bye guys. Bye, mommy. Make my party, darling. I was just watching you. Saw you off me and my crazy looks were down the spiral. Couldn't help. No, is it fishy? Wonder what the evening could be?

I don't want to sound pushy. But come here girl. Let me tickle your pussy. Yeah, you could be my carrot. I could be a Barbie. Oh, yeah. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie.

I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie. I could be your Barbie.

I could go chill in the hotel lobby. Then go to your room. I fill you up, seal your shot till the sheets don't soggy. You were doing it soggy. No pot play plan. That ain't stupid. And I love to say I'm sorry. Just understand.

All I want to do is do this. Oh, yeah, there it is. Look at that. Wow. Oh my god. Here it comes. God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Hey, sounds good. Yeah, the time was right. Jeans are high and tight. I was pretty sure that I could get that pussy talking to me by the end of the night.

But it went nothing to get too excited over I kept my cool, because Lord knows. I ain't no dad boner. No, I ain't no fool. I was like, hey, hitler. It was like yo, watch your Prono. I was like, let's just say, mister. You can be my misses. We can go now and we can do cool stuff.

But she wanted it raw. I asked, when shall we meet up? She said now on the 14th floor. Oh yeah, there it is. Look at that. Wow. Oh my God. Here it comes.

God. Oh. Absolutely gorgeous. So we got to a door. She looks so damn fine. She asked, you got any coming those doors? Yeah, baby, it's about time. She said, if you want it, here's the deal.

See this pussy, you better kiss it. It tastes like a succulent Chinese meal. OK, baby. All right. I ain't going to put up no fight. I ain't going to scream like bikes. I just want to mash purples all night. It's just like the gaze.

Help me in the days. I'm always truly amazed. I hit a double pipe classic as soon as I came. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man.