Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 389-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 29, 2017

There's a crazy fat kid running North Korea and nobody is going to debate that fact.  Do you know all the U.S. Presidents? We certainly do not. There's a JV squad and we go thru it.  When first class disappoints you, what do you do? We complain, bitterly.  Plus, Jean has a very important dental update (cause she's a show off).  And a LIVE F-A-R-T was captured on the show and it should settle the Fart Champ debate once and for all. 

You know what I'm saying? Honestly, yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Oh, the friend. Like this. You know what I'm saying? My mom lost.

Tell me my aunt. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? The liar. The liar. By that same French excellence. You know what I'm saying? No.

I'm saying that. He wants to be the mayor. Here we go. You know what I'm saying? Frankly! It's like this norm center. You know what I'm saying? What I plan to do.

I'm gonna say, You know what I'm saying? Right. This is you. You know what I'm saying? Like this norm center. Do anyone understand that? Do you, Jean?

It's an all time great right there. That's a ghost crew. Oh yeah, ghost crew. Those guys were one of the original song makers. One of the very few. That's one of my favorites. That's one of my favorite song that they made for us.

Ghost crew has so many great jams. Incredible. Those are my jams. Those are my jams. I have a Midwest mom. Those are my jams. I have officially crossed over into Midwestern mom. I wore my house slippers out twice this weekend with LJ.

Yeah. I was alone with him so I don't sleep. You know, our kid doesn't nap. It's a different level. Wow, the hounds are really going at it. The dogs are chasing. Well, I had on my fanny pack thankfully. Yeah.

But they're going crazy. Schnitzel's attacking me. But I did not. I forgot my house. Smell what you're not smell like at different times of the day. Making sure that thing is on. Oh, you got to make sure you check. You got to verify.

You know, bringing back that song really made me appreciate Dennis Rodman's, you know what I'm saying? Oh yeah. Wait, Dennis Rodman didn't do you know what I'm saying? No, no, he's on there. He, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. But that's not, you know, I'm saying that.

That's different. You can't call that a, you know what I'm saying? That's just Dennis Rodman. That's a Rodman. Yeah. It made me miss him and his insanity. And I wish. Watch this.

Yeah. What's up with him? That's not, you know what I'm saying. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Watch this. That guy, that was the best documentary when he went to Big Bang and Young Bang. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? No. Not, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Watch this. No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm loaded. Yeah. And he, he's meeting with the, the dignitaries or whatever heads of state in

North Korea and he's just ripped. He's completely shitfaced. Yeah. And he's singing, remember? They're singing to him and he's laughing and. That song also brings back the memory of Orson Welles drunk. Yeah. Oh, the French champagne.

Little excellence. That's one of my favorite things ever discovered. That's the, the best thing that the internet did was, was bring things like that to people's attention. Yes. Because before the internet, that thing just lived on a VHS somewhere. Right. And like five sound guys knew about that.

Yeah. With the internet, all of us get to find out that he was out of his mind, fucked up doing commercials for a wine, a winemaker. And at that, at that place in your career where you're having to do wine ads. Yeah. You should probably show up sober and respect. He's so out of it. Yeah.

He's so out of it. And he's still like, I'm Orson Welles. Yeah. You know, he's still running on that cred. I like when that, I still remember that he goes, I haven't seen that in years. And he goes, they go like action. He's like, he doesn't do anything. And they're like, cut.

He's like, he waved. He goes, he doesn't do anything. He's just waiting on the other guy. He doesn't have a line yet. Because he's supposed to be going like, ah, the French champagne. And that same French excellence. So shit faced. Oh man.

Ah, the French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. There is a California champagne by Paul Masson. Inspired by that same French excellence. Uh-huh. Is fermented in the bottle and like the best French champagne is. He's out of breath. Looped. And he's so fat at this point too.

Yeah. Yeah, it's real out of breath. Yeah. God damn it. Ah, the French champagne has always been celebrated for its excellence. There is a California champagne. Ah, yeah, the, the forced. Ah.

There's a California champagne. They had to know by the, you know, third tag that like, this is not going to happen. But I bet they knew the moment he stepped on set and they were like, shit. Yeah, but he's so legendary. I think part of you, even if he shows up like that, you're like, this guy's. He'll pull it together. He's magic for a reason. Yeah, he's going to turn it on.

Right. Like when the cameras roll. And then sometimes they don't. And sometimes they're like. The French champagne has always been known for its excellence. His pitch just went all over the place. It's all over. Ah man.

Yeah. And that Rodman thing is incredible. I miss him. You know what? There should just be a 24 seven documentary crew following that guy. Cause I feel like he's, he's always doing something ridiculous. We should know about it. I agree.

I'm going to do it. Want to do a proper show open. Then the alien guy. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to love this. Yeah. This is so fucking amazing to me.

Why is my chair so low? I don't know. I laughed so hard at this. Ah. They certainly don't. But the point is that China is the one that can, the only one that can control Kim Jong this crazy fat kid that's running North Korea. This shit is big time.

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Don't burn me in the fucking stands. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Don Segura. Tom Segura. Christina Pajitzin.

Christina Pajitzin. Welcome to your mom's house. I have not laughed. I have not laughed this hard in a long time. I saw this on my flight to DC. Oh, nice. So I was, I had, you know, a wifi and I'm just, and I see this thing and I'm like, wait, what?

And this is Senator John McCain, former presidential candidate on, I think it's Greta Van Susteren. And obviously, you know, this topic comes up and he very matter of factly. It stands out so much because people in this position usually maintain a level of diplomacy, no matter who they're talking about. Right. I think some of our presidents kind of kicked the door down on that. Well, yeah, I guess, but it's also, I thought, look, I think that part of this, my theory on this is when you're a POW.

Yeah. For a number of years, you're brutally beaten and tortured. Yeah. So you have a kind of a matter of fact way of speaking. You talk some shit. And let's be honest, he was, he was tortured by the Vietnamese. So I think his whole outlook on the Asian world is skewed. A little different than most people.

Yeah. So it's just to me to hear a guy just like lay right into, I mean, even though he's obviously he is a dictator as a maniac, but he's just like, to say this crazy fat kid running North Korea. Yeah, it's great. I was shaking on this plane. I mean, I was laughing so fucking hard with my headphones in just like loving. Yeah. And then the best part, but we don't even have it here is that he continued after this

and she continued with no, like there was no pause. Yeah. It was just like, you know what? You know what I really regret with McCain is that when he was running for president, I thought he was the wack out, the wacky candidate. You know what I mean? Like now I look at him and I'm like, oh, McCain was president. That guy's great.

I really like him more now. Maybe I was too young to appreciate him, but now you're like, that guy's kind of, he's got his head on right. Yeah. I like him. I like the shit that he's saying now for sure. Well, I like guys that weren't captured, but anyways. You like guys that weren't captured?

Yeah. Right. Right. Right. That's right. I've heard that. That's some kind of a failure on his part. Right.

Yeah. Shouldn't have been captured. Right. Air defense missiles there. They certainly don't. But the point is that China is the one that can, the only one that can control Kim Jong Moon, this crazy fat kid that's running North Korea. Love it.

That's the most magical moment. Love it. That's how I'll remember him for the rest of my life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody is going to defend Kim Jong-un.

No one's going to be. Of course not. Excuse me. Are you fat shaming the supreme leader? Yeah. But amongst like politicians, there's usually like. Decorum. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then they have this, you know, they had this, I forget what they call it with North Korea, patient diplomacy is the tactic, but he's just like, fuck that crazy guy. Fuck these guys. Yeah. Which sometimes you do have to be like, fuck that crazy fact.

Yeah. I mean, he is a fucking world-class asshole, that guy. So I, you know, it's not like you got to be nice about him, but. No. This crazy fat kid. I love it. You're fat shaming. Oh yeah.

You're fat shaming. I'm sure there was some of that. Well, do you think anybody's defending him? Definitely. Too warm in here. What are you doing? Oh, Jean, it's not that warm. It's nice.

What are you doing? You're ruining the dogs are going crazy. Look, Feef's on top of schnitzel. Yeah. Feef has given him the business. Heard the business. I messed up her pronoun. Did you hear that?

Yeah. I'm so sorry, Betsy. I just mislabeled your pronoun. Well, I was in Washington, Dick come this week. Yeah. I did eight shows. That's a lot of shows. A lot of shows.

Thank you to everybody that came out. All our lights are on. Yeah. To the shows. They were a lot of fun and Pat House. Thank you for coming along and opening the shows. Is Pat House fat? No.

Every time you say Pat House, I picture like a really obese person and I know what you have. Guess what? What? There was a guy named Pat House that I was on the biggest loser. Oh. Like a really bad guy. Oh, maybe that's why.

Maybe I've seen him unconsciously. Maybe that is why. Because he talks about it on stage because that Pat House hit up this Pat House. No. Yeah. He did. Yeah. One time he was like, oh, hey man, like, you know, I saw that you have, you know, we

have the same name and. Let's be friends. Basically. I'm fat. You're skinny. Yeah. Well, I think he lost this one. The biggest loser one lost a lot of weight.

He might have wanted or something. Wow. And then Pat House that I know, you know, just tells a story about meeting the guy. Oh, that's so random. Or interacting with him. Yeah. Well, there you go. Yeah.

But this Pat, no, no. Pat's like fucking 170 pounds. Right. Normal weighted. Yeah. Totally normal. Yeah. Totally normal weighted.

We went to the national portrait gallery. Those are fun. There's one in England. I've been to. Yeah. This one's American. It's fucking way better. American.

They talk English there and it's fucking better. Who did you see portraits of? Stronger. Stronger. Number one. Do you know what was alarming? What's that? So you, you, you know, the, the hit makers of us presidents, you're like, oh, you know,

obviously Truman Roosevelt, you start seeing like, yeah, yeah, you get to this period. Unless you are a real history buff, you start walking by portraits where you're like, never even heard that guy's name before. Seriously. And it's a prep. Let me pull this up for you. A president. Yes.

Are you sure? I've known, I know a lot of things and I've learned my histories. I think you're going to be blown away by this. Okay. All right, Tom. Okay. Presidents of the United States. Did they have portraits of real celebrities like King Assripper?

How about this one? Okay. First of all, you didn't even answer my question. King Assripper does not have one. I left a little note there. Yeah. What was that about the mommies? Well, I was going to say that, that you and I are A-list celebrities.

Yeah. I mean, our internet radio show gets downloaded way more than... Yeah. A lot of TV shows get watched. Yeah. Hello. It seems pretty obvious. This should be easy.

God, that's scary. I got startled. Well, you're supposed to be. It came from this side. I was like, huh, that was terrifying. Yeah. Good Lord. Where are we?

This should be easy. That was so scary. Yeah. That's actually not coach. I said another coach. How many screaming coaches do we have on the show? There's a few. There's a few.

This is a different coach altogether right here. That's a different coach. Now, who's that? That is Horace Morris. Horace Morris. That's his name. That's a cool name. Yeah.

Horace Morris. Okay, so show me this portrait. The Prez. I'm not showing you portrait. I'm going to give you names. Okay. Coolage. No.

Okay. Go ahead. So a bunch of all stars begin... Heavy hitters. Oh, no. My favorite. It's not a president. So you got...

He's not a president? No. So there's George. Obviously a big dub, right? John Adams, Jefferson, Madison. You're like, oh yeah. Yeah. Know that.

Know that. Number eight, Martin Van Buren. Yeah. Martin Van Buren. Never heard of him. The Van Buren family actually went to college with a descendant of the Van Buren. Never heard of him. Okay.

After him... Knew that. William Harrison. No clue. Never heard of him. That's a U.S. president. No. After him, John Tyler.

John Tyler. He's in Duran Duran. I think you got that one. Yeah. Poke after that. How about this one after that? This was my most alarming one. President Zachary.

Taylor. Never heard. Old rough and ready. That was his nickname. Yeah. Never heard of him. President Zach. Wait.

How come... Because then we have to learn these in school. Like you have to memorize them. Never heard of this guy. Who did. I don't remember Zachary. I mean he was obviously not there for long. Okay.

But still. No one ever mentioned President Zachary. Nobody mentioned old rough and ready. Old rough and ready? Yeah. Can I have your coffee? Yeah. That you're not drinking?

The cold one with the straw? It doesn't screw up my whitening. Okay. Give me another. Give me another. This is fun. Okay. I thought I knew...

Right. But that's what I'm saying. Yeah. It's fun. You know, obviously, I mean, there's not that many. So you... Yeah. But one of you saw Zachary Taylor.

Yeah. Rosa Parks. Is she on there? Yeah. She was 33rd President. Thank you. Someone's a history buff. Oh, I love history.

I'm so good at it too. What about Franklin Pierce? Yes. You knew him? Yeah. I remember the name. I don't know. I can't tell you what the guy did.

James Buchanan? Yes. I knew Buchanan. History. 11th grade. Come on. Mr. Talesca. High school.

I don't remember that name. Abraham Lincoln? I don't know. See? Another guy. Benjamin Franklin wasn't a president. You sure about that? Yeah, I bet.

I know he did a lot of other stuff. You sure? Yeah. Electricity. Poor James Almanac. He wasn't a president, Shane. What else did he invent? Let's see.

Pup Play. That was also invented by Benjamin Franklin. What about Chester Arthur? No. Never heard of that guy. Chester. Yeah. Is anybody named Chester anymore?

He's a fucking president. I'll bet you anything. I like that. The gentleman boss. Elegant Arthur. The gentleman boss. But I mean. That's going to come back.

That name. Chester is going to be a hipster name. Mark my words. But he was a president, you know, in the late 1800s. That's one that should be. You were alive. You should have known. Yeah.

I was in middle school. He was fucking. Was your family in this country yet? That was the presidential salary then. Damn. 50,000 dollars a year. Dollars? That's fucking crazy.

Wait. That can't be right. Doesn't seem like it can be right. That's not right. 50,000 dollars a year. Yeah. That's not. That's not accurate.

Because what do they make now? 100,000 a year. No, they make 400 grand now. Damn. Huh. Being the president. Fuck. A lot of money.

A lot of money. Huh. Fuck. You got to be president to make money like that. Fuck. Would you ever want to date your president? I mean, you know, once you get into a certain era, they all are familiar because they're more recent.

But go ahead. Come on. This is super fun. You like this? Yeah. All right. I like to know how stupid I am. It feels good, right?

Kinda. You said you didn't. Did you know Rutherford Hayes? Pfft. Rutherford Hayes. It's in a song. It's in a song or something. It's not the only reason I know it.

But you know the name. I know the words. I don't know what he did. I don't know. James Garfield. Garfield. My favorite cartoon character. Yeah.

Go ahead. Okay. Chester, we went through that. What about Benjamin Harrison? Dude. No clue. Benjamin Harrison. Our president.

Harrison. 23rd president. Nickname. Kid Gloves. Harrison. Or little Ben. What are the nicknames now for the presidents? What was Obama's?

Is it say? Barry. What's up, Barry? Sherry's. Barry's. Sherry's. Barry's. What's up, Barry?

That'd be hilarious if that was. I wish someone could hack that site and put it there. What's up, Barry? Yeah. I mean, after that, I think you've heard of everybody. Are you sure? I'm pretty bad. I'm pretty dumb.

I mean, it's all on you being honest about whether you. Yeah. Why haven't lied so far? Okay. So Benjamin Harrison, you hadn't heard of. No. No clue. Grover Cleveland.

Yeah. For the high school. William McKinley. No. There you go. Dude, he's president. No. Into the 1900s.

The idol. The idol of Ohio. Ohio. Ohio. How much did he get paid, huh? 50,000. Damn. Yeah.

The last jump was 200 grand, I think. I think it was. He was a Methodist. I think it was 200 grand for a while. He was a Methodist too, Gene. Yeah. I'm on America. Okay.

I think you. I will in a second. I think you've heard of the rest, but let's double check. McKinley, you hadn't. No. Obviously. Have you? Yeah, because I know a couple of McKinley high schools.

Gotcha. We all know Rosie because he was in a wheelchair. Polio was a child, I believe. William Taft. There's Taft High School. Yeah, I know. Woodrow Wilson. Wilson High School.

I don't know. Yes, Woodrow. Yes, I've heard of it. How about this one? Yeah, go ahead. Be honest. Be on St. Louis. Warren Harding.

No. Dude. No. We walked by. We walked by this portrait. I was like, who's this guy? Is this like an old senator or something? 29th president of the United States.

Doesn't ring a bell. What's his middle name? Jamil. Yeah, William Jamal Harding. Nickname, none listed. Right. Warren Jamil Harding. Look at this man.

In the 1920s, the president's salary was 75 grand a year. Isn't that in Santa Ana? That's in Santa Ana's because that is millions of dollars. Now, but look at his term. 1921 to 23. Yeah, he died. He died. Oh, he died.

Yeah. So that's why Calvin Coolidge became president. Oh, and I know Calvin Coolidge. Yeah. They used to call him old cool cow. Old cool nuts. Yeah. Old slick dick cool Calvin.

Like to smell his own farts. Yeah. That's why they called him that. Silent cow. They called him. Because he's part real stinkers. That's his nickname, Silent Cow. That's such a liar.

Look what it says right here. Let me see. Silent cow. Oh my God. Cause his farts were silent but deadly. The stinkiest farts in the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Silent but deadly cow. Um, Herbert Hoover. Yes. Of course. Hoover. Yeah. Do you know about?

Do you know about? Do you know about? I remember so little of history. Can you remember anything you learned in high school? No. Not a fucking thing. Very little things have I retained. You said.

Very few things. You said Theodore. Theodore Roosevelt. Was in the chair. Theodore Hopstable was in. He wasn't in the chair though. Roosevelt was in a wheelchair. But not Theodore.

Not Teddy. Teddy Roosevelt. Franklin Delano. Roosevelt was in the wheelchair. Delano. Delano. Um, you heard Truman? I've heard of that guy.

Truman Capote, writer. So the rest of these. Gay. Let's see. Let's see what Barry's nickname was. None. No bullshit. Imagine the black guy doesn't get a nickname.

How shitty is that? The injustice of it all. I bet some guys on the south side of Chicago could fill in that gap. Come on, Barry. Come on, Barry. Old mom jeans. Old mom jeans. He used to wear his mom jeans.

That's them. That's how that stuff came around. I think cause he was making, they're making fun of his like denim. Yeah. Yeah. So let's see this real quick. What's up, Barry? I want to see when it changed here.

Yeah. So 200 grand a year. Damn. It was through Clinton and then jumped to 400 grand. So Clinton was the last. Of the 200 grand. To make 200 large. Yeah.

Wow. But 50 grand in what the turn of the century sounds like a fortune. That has to be. Yeah. I mean. So much money. That's not, that can't be accurate. Maybe it was.

They just made you really rich at that point. God. Yeah. Don't you want to travel? These guys now get a $50,000 expense account as well. Wow. On top of their 400 grand. Okay.

If you could time travel, you have to go back in time. You can't go forward. Where would you go? What era of American? If I go anywhere. American history. Let's start there. That's a good question, man.

I mean, wouldn't you want to just kind of drop into every era for a moment to see what it's like? It's hard to pick one. No. Fuck the caveman stuff. I don't want to see that. I'm talking about US. Those dopes.

The last few hundred years. Yeah. I guess. Can I tell you what I don't, I'm not interested in. What? I hate cowboy anything, like with all the dust and dirt and the gun stuff. So you'd like to. I don't want to go to the Wild West.

Like to jump into 1960. Is that what you're telling me? Yeah. Oh, I will love the 60s. Okay. Put me in like London in the 60s when Beatlemania comes. That's what you want. That would be fun.

I'd like probably fun, right? To be a mod, to be all cool. I'd like to take my current, um, like physique to the 1930s NFL where I would be considered probably bigger and faster than at least 80, 90% of them. God. Yeah. Or even the NBA, like before they let black guys play. Yeah.

I would just be like, fuck and run this shit, dude. Yeah. I've seen how they dribbled back then. Now I'd show up and they'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. Yeah. Modern way of playing. You know what I would do?

I would go to like 19, yeah, 59, 58 in America and be like, I'm a female standup comic. Oh, right. And they're like, what? I'm all, watch this bitch. And then fucking blow minds and get arrested and stuff. Like Lenny Bruce. That'd be awesome. Drop both hits on their heads.

That's what's up. Yeah. You have fucking seen these mushy purples. And they're like, oh, obscenity. It'd be great. It'd be so fun. Mushy perps. And you have the newscast.

She's been like, Christina, mushy perps. But just he today was arrested outside of the purple onion. What's wrong with saying mushy purples? I can say what I want. It's disgusting. And they would cut the people being like, it is horrifying. Yeah. I'd love it.

Tell you about her perps. Yeah. Yeah. I would really like to do that. That'd be fun. Yeah. So I did that. I went and I learned about presents I didn't know we had.

And then I also went to the Nat Geo Museum. And do you know what they have there? Pictures of soggy tits. They actually had a lack of that. And that's really, that's all that should be at the National Geographic. They basically have two exhibits, like the first part, second part kind of thing. It's pretty small, but you know, whatever. The first section, so half of the Nat Geo Museum is their Instagram account blown up.

Oh, it's stupid. So you walk in and you're like, this is your Instagram account. Yeah. And they're like, yeah. Could have seen that on my phone. Right. And I have to fly to Washington. It's blown up here.

And they're like, yeah, exactly. That's super gay. You know, Washington DC, we went to that stupid CIA museum. We were all excited about spies and stuff. Spy museum is for fucking fifth graders, but they don't tell you that. It was terrible. I like spy stuff. Of course.

But it's like for children. This one is too, by the way. This is not for adults. It's for kids. Super weird. Because in Berlin and in Hungary, you can see like, you want to see some shit. You want to see the KGB museum where they tortured people. We have that in Budapest.

Yeah. Legit, just like spooky. You'll cry. You'll leave crying. Yeah. It's so real. That's the kind of shit I want to see, man. We don't have that in America.

We have it. They just won't show it to us. Right. We need more tragedy. More time. More time. Now what's really upsetting, you told me a story today about your experience in first class.

Let's talk about that because I, it really bothered me to hear this happened. This is so annoying and so, I'm probably upsetting for someone to hear me complain about, but it still is irritating as shit. It's not, Tom. It's not. You've earned first class. Well, here's what happened. And this happens all the time.

You get on for any of these, especially for me, breakfast is really all I care about. No, I'm sorry. This happens in coach too, by the way. This is not just a first class problem. Yeah. No, you're right. You are. When you're on a flight that's over three hours, serve a meal.

Complimentary. Of course. Yes. And you know, you get your booze, whatever. I don't drink really on a flight. Not at five in the morning. No. I mean, I know some people that do, but yeah, I don't.

So anyways, I get on and they're like the lady hands out menus. You basically have two options, but they printed out, right? Right. And it says this omelet with chicken sausage and blah, blah, blah or oatmeal and fruit. So you know what I'm going to have, right? You're going to go for the keto friendly option. Yeah. I'm going to have it every time.

So I'm sitting there. I'm in the last row. I'm in the aisle and I watch you're in the last row. Yes. That was go ahead. Go ahead. Fourth row aisle seat. Oh, geez.

Now I watch her go from left to right across row one. Left to right, row two, left to right, row three. When she comes to my row, the fourth row, she looks at me and the guy sitting next to me and then across the aisle. So in other words, the last two that she'll hit two women. She looks at the four of us and goes, we have omelet and we have oatmeal. And then I go, so I'm about to say omelet. She goes, ladies first turns, like skips the whole way she had been doing it.

The two ladies go, we'll have omelets and then she turns to me and she goes, I guess you guys are having oatmeal and I go, no, I'm not. She goes, no. And I go, no, I don't want oatmeal. And she's like, oh, when I go, so is there not another omelet? No. And I go, okay, then I'll just, I'm good. You know, I didn't make like a big stink about it.

I go, I'm good then. You don't want. And I go, no, I don't want it. And she's like, I'll see if I can find another one, which is a weird thing to say. Where are you going to find it? Yeah. Aren't you saying that there's none left for a reason? So I just go, I kind of zonk out for a minute.

And when I wake up, she goes, oh, I found something. Oh, you did. And I go, okay. And she puts in front of me like some scrambled eggs. Ew. Which is weird because. From where? From coach?

I don't know where the coach option. I was like, no, they don't serve that. They don't serve that. They might serve like a wrap with egg and coach. I don't know. I just, I looked at it and I was like, this doesn't seem like what is on this plane as an option. It just seemed bizarre to me, but it is always super annoying when they have, we have five

of these and four of these. Yeah. Have more. Yeah. And then you go, I don't want that thing. It kills me. You got the wrong seat. And then sometimes these, uh, flat tents will pick their own path like that.

Yeah. Yeah. It's arbitrary. They go like, yeah, we're going to start in the back row today. All right. We're going to start over here. So then she did the, you know, ladies first thing. I seriously in my mind wanted to go like, excuse me, you went like this the whole time.

Right. There's a lady there. You didn't jump over to her. So fuck these ladies. What's up with the reverse sexism? Huh? Yeah. I mean, what, we're not talking about, uh, they get to, uh, you know, putting their

bag in the overhead, which I've gladly do for them. Right. We're talking about what, why do, why do I get leapfrog for that? No. Fuck. Well, there's a lot of flaws. Here's what happens now. When I'm in first class, I always try to pick a seat in the first two rows for this exact

reason. I swear to God. I am so afraid of being passed over on the food options. Yeah. When I sat in economy, I would always try to get premium economy so that I can get the snack box of my choice because many times I want the cheese box and then by the time they get to me and I'm in row 25, they're like, oh, we're out of the cheese box. I'm like, well, why don't you get more?

If you know it's a popular item, why the fuck wouldn't you have more? Get more cheese boxes, get more meals, build bigger overhead compartments. Yes. For our bags that every fucking flight I get on, they go, there's limited space and you got to check your bag. We'll build a bigger, doesn't this happen every flight now? I know. Why can't you build more space?

Who's the genius that designed this? I have fucking two feet above my head. Right. Make that shit bigger, man. Or don't allow any, then make everybody check them in. Then there's no fucking problem. It's so irritating. And then you see people carrying their entire lives on the airplane.

You know what makes me see red too? Yeah. It's always a guy, some douchebag guy will board a flight, puts his bag in one of the front compartments and then walks to the back of the plane. I do that. You do that? I've done it. Oh, man.

I do it if. I fucking, I can feel my blood pressure. Yeah. I do it only if, only if I know that they're loading back to front and I'm like screwed and I'm not in a good zone, a boarding zone. Yeah. I'm going to get fucked on it. So I won't put it in first class.

I know that's disrespectful, but I will, on my way back, boop, drop that up and row 10. My ass is in row 20, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess what? My bag is up here. And also when I'm de-planning, then I just boop, grab it and I'm out. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I've seen guys just drop it up and first and then walk back. That's not cool. That's not fair. And it's always when like, of course, when like a flight attendant's not looking. Yeah. And then, because you want to be like, excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me. This loser.

Just, no. No. I can't tolerate it. Do you tattle? No. That's the thing. Don't tattle. No, I don't tattle, but you want to say.

Don't snitch. You want to. That's the thing is you're like on the vert. You're like, oh. No, you can't snitch. You can't snitch, but it's always like the time when you really actually want to is when you see the person board first late and they're like, there's no room. That's yeah.

Yeah. Well, Dick head. Yeah. In a 34 C actually put his bag right here. Yeah. Took your shit son. Yeah. So there is room.

Yeah. If you get his, his fucking. But the food thing always bothered me because like, you know what the ticket items are that people enjoy the most. We don't have that, but we've got salty ass Pringles left. We've got this a couscous wrap with Feta like no one wants that. That's why you have those left. They always seem completely blown away when you don't want their dog shit snack.

Yeah. Yes. They come by with the basket and they're like, yeah, chips, chocolate. And I'm like, I'm good. Are you sure? Yeah. You're shitty. I don't want it.

And they're like, it's free garbage. You don't want it. I'm like, no, I'm good. We've pulled this out of a dumpster. You don't want this. You can have all the free garbage you want. Well, cause the thing is those aren't high ticket items. Like you can buy your own bag of Fritos.

Yeah. Like give me the good stuff. Give me stuff that like I can't get normally. And then I'll be geeked about your fucking snack options. Fucking fuck, fuck. Or do something healthier, dick breath. You know that. What's going on?

It's a major announcement. This is big time. You don't know what's going on? I was in the middle of a great thought. What do you mean you're in the middle of a great thought? I'm saying something good. Say it. I forgot now.

What did I do? It's about the snacks and I forgot it. Oh, you said you wanted the primo snacks. Yeah. Give me good snacks. Yeah. I agree. I agree.

It's like, give me hummus with like crudité or whatever. You know what I'm saying? Salamis. I feel like Virgin has hummus. They do. But it's like pretty strong. I remember being real farty after that. Yeah.

Or what about like fresh items, chips and real salsa? Not that shit in a jar. That'd be kind of exciting on a fucking plane. I know. Or snackadamia nuts. I like those. The disappointing thing is that you're on the major carriers and they have the most dog shit.

Yeah. Like Delta American. Dog shit food. Really bad. Virgin's got the best food options. You're right. Of all them. Yeah.

Now if you go international. Oh, international is another fucking story. It's another. How come? See, they can do it on the international flights. Remember on our way to Africa. They take pride in that shit, man. We had hot fudge Sundays on our way to Africa.

Why can't we have hot fudge Sundays on the way from DC to LA? Yeah. We what? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Yeah, only on.

Why do they do that that was so, I used to get the laid out's from Atlanta, to LA that was that's on accident basically. Yeah, that's an international. Oh, right. That they're using to get here before it goes overseas again. Oh, those are great. So basically, by chance. And I would always sit with rappers.

There would always be like some miscellaneous rapper on the National Laneous. What? I don't know who they're like Tim Leucوت. learned easier is not miscellaneous. I don't know who it was. I know I sent you a picture on this guy's Bay. TrackGod, right there.

Sure. Okay. Sorry. What was your big announcement? Well, the big, the big announcement. Our big announcement that is it's happening. August 23rd jeans and I are going to do the podcast live at the West Palm Beach improv West.

It's very rare that we get to travel together and do this, but we're doing it Wednesday, August 23rd. It's as rare as a double pipe classic. It's very rare. We should call it the double pipe classic tour. Yeah. It's so rare. It's just going to be a one off.

There's not, there's not going to be a second one. No. No, but it's going to happen. So if you want to see the podcast or Palmcast live August 23rd, we're going to do it. Yeah. We're going to be doing it at the breast balm beach improv in Flowrider. That'll be it. That's just a one and done deal.

I mentioned this last week. If you don't know, I'm coming to mom's Australia and I'm doing Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne and Perth. No, I'm not doing Adelaide. That is not my choice. Adelaide. Adelaide. I'm not doing it by choice.

It's just, this is, you know, I'm working with a promoter. This is the run they set up. So people have asked me on emails. That's why it's not Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth, the Prom, promoter, that's it up. So I'm very excited to be going there. I have an added show in Titsburg, Pennsylvania next week. It's Thursday. If you want to come, the early ones sold out.

And then I'm in New Haven, Connecticut. And I'm also in Burlington, Vermont. I have two shows there. To the Coat Factory? Yeah. That's right. Burlington Coat Factory. Added shows in Meat Rattle, Washington.

That is going to be on the 14th at the Moore Theater. The first one is gone. And then, uh, uh, Portland, Oregon sold out on the 15th. So I'm coming back May 13th. I also added a show in Dallas, Fallis, Texas, April 20th. And then I'm doing the rest of the weekend at the Houston Improv in Houston, Tejas, Jeans, the Houston, April 13th and 5th through 15th. I'm at the Brea Improv April 28th through 29th Sacramento at the punchline May 4th

through 5th, Fartnix, Arizona at stand up live May 19th through 20th, Jew Dork titties, Gotham Comedy Club, and then Denver, June 1st through 3rd, Denver Comedy Works, and then June 16th and 17th in Manfred Disco at the punchline. And then I tape my hour. I'm so excited. Holy shit. This is the ramp up. Wait, did you just announce where or anything yet or not yet?

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. But I will. And I hope you guys come to watch it live. Taping? I'm so excited. I'm doing two shows.

And I would love if the mommies could come in and laugh and, uh, and support. They will. So I'll announce it when I can, obviously. Of course. It'll be in June. I can say that much. There you go. So excited.

Excite. Amaze. All that stand up. You got to have. Stenema. To do it. Stenema. It's so dope.

Takes a lot. Stenema. Stenema. Stenema. Stenema. Stenema. Stenema. Oh, this is from, uh, I remember last week, um, I don't know if you remember last week,

but, uh, the, um, big star of our show was this, this lady. No. I don't want to talk about her. She smells her butt. Finger. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just raunchy ass and it should smell. We're going back to her again. No. Well, there's an email about her. Oh, okay. Inhale. My ass fumes.

I remember. Okay. So she made the point that she hadn't showered in days. Three days. Yeah. To be exact. So the, uh, email says the asshole lady is a liar. Hey mommies.

What? And due to the nice lady in the opening clip, the, how you say asshole lady, don't believe a word she says when she tries to make light of her non-shower situation, I camp for a living. In other words, goes camping May to December. I'm in camp. I'm camping Monday through Friday. So I'm sure you can imagine that means no showers when she is voluntarily stuffing that

nasty pudgy finger into her B hole after three days of non-showers. You trust me. Around day two of my week, weekly ritual, it gets bad. Don't listen to the lady when she says she wants a dirty asshole in her face. She better get her life because nothing about the must is a good thing about the, maybe the musk is a good thing. As Tom said, she is gnarliest fuck. Thank you guys for keeping my weeks in the woods high and tight.

You guys rock Travis. I mean, Travis is making a good point, which is that he's saying there's probably some bullshit when it comes to this three day minute. Now you guys are comparing, Yana, when it comes to butthole smells, you're comparing apples to oranges. Meaning the feminine posterior is different in consistency and activity level to the male posterior. My point being Travis could be running, jumping, doing things.

Real camp stuff. Camp stuff. Whereas our girl is probably just sitting in her room. Taking dumps. Taking dumps. Yeah. So you can't compare those two things. Plus we've discussed hair.

I hear what you're saying. I do hear it. I do. The court recognizes your point. Yes, Yana. She might not be on Travis's level of gnarly, but this is three days of no shower. It's not a good situation. No.

It's not going to smell okay. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I went one day without showering because our son has refused to nap lately. I didn't shower on Sunday. By Sunday night, I was out of my mind. I was exhausted, but I had to shower because I'm like, you know what, dude? This is disgusting.

Yeah, I feel the same way. I cannot go more than a day. I go. It's unacceptable. Yeah. The most I go is like unacceptable. You wake up. You know, if you're running late, you go to where you go and you go to bed that night.

The next morning you're like, I got to get in the shower and that's what I feel. I don't know. What's I mean? Yeah. A 24 hours max. 24 hours is usually the max for me. Dude, this is gnarly. It's gross.

You want to be hygienic. Come on. I do. I like the way I shower. I don't like to feel funky, dude. For me, we're different though in that you're more of a kick your day off. No, no, you're like a get the day started shower. Absolutely.

I always shower a lot before bed. So if I'm like ready to go to bed, I'm like, I got to get a quick shower first. You know why? Because my mother taught me that showering at night is kind of bullshit because then you go in your bed and you're like sleeping in all your dead skin or you're still, you're filthy overnight. I'm a sweaty sleeper. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I like it nice and warm. So I sweat at night. Yeah. I get all that funk off. Yeah. I don't have the same problems. So.

Well, you're a bear. Yeah. You hibernate. I like showering before bed. It feels, I feel ready for sleep. Here's what I like to shower before bed. I like to shower in the morning too. Maybe I should start doing two showered.

Yeah. Oh. Sure. You want to do that, big spender? Talk about big spender. So much money. You're going to spend it on that. Oh my gosh.

Talk about a big spender. You blew my mind. I've been meaning to bring this topic up for four weeks now. I know. You keep forgetting. Because you blew my mind, dude. You know, every morning I put on Pandora and we listened to nice music in the baby jeans, daddy jeans, mommy jeans.

We all have breakfast together and it's in the background. And the ads come on with Pandora and I just whatever. Yeah. You ignore it. I just pushed through them. And the other day we used your phone, right? Plugged it in. Oh, this was my Pandora account.

And you're like, I have no ads. I go, wait a minute. You have no ads on your Pandora? You go, yeah. I pay for it. Yeah. And you were like, your brain exploded. I was like, what?

Yeah. You could, what is this like $3 a month? I couldn't believe how. I couldn't believe you paid for Pandora. Who does that? You don't pay for Pandora. You just suffer through the commercials. No way, man.

It's so much better, right? It's, so here's the thing. I started doing it. Well, first you were like, I don't know if I could even do something like that. I really, it was such a mindblower, Jean, that you pay for Pandora. I'd guarantee people listening to this are like, who pays for Pandora? I think it's such a luxury. Like it's bananas.

How much is it? I forget. I think it's either $3.99 or $4.99 a month. It's a lot. Yeah. A lot of scratch. It's something though, like on that station, and then every few things that gets an ad, it's terrible.

And I listened to Brazilian music. So they'll play like Spanish ads, which isn't Portuguese. I know. It's really weird. Not even, it's insulting, but yeah, I couldn't believe it. But now I'm on board. You converted me to a paid Pandora listener. It's worth it.

It kind of is. I don't know though. It's that whole four bucks. That's a lot of money. I know. To be spending. Oh, are you sure you want to spend that? I know.

That's Christina for you. I seriously did have that. Like $4 for that. Can we afford that? I don't fuck with Lincoln. See? Joey, I bet before it. Joey would not pay for it.

No, he wouldn't fuck with Lincoln then or Pandora. I probably didn't even listen to Pandora. No, not a chance. Not a, there's a 0% chance. Anyways, that fucking blew my dog brain apart. Yeah. Well, that's fucking funny, man. That you can pay for Pandora.

Too funny. Whenever I'm using power tools in my workshop, I can't hear the doorbell ring. So I modified a wireless doorbell so that it turns on a light instead of just playing a toad. Here's how to make one. Oh no, please, no. Start by finding a wireless doorbell that works in an AC house. I don't need to know.

Oh shit, this is boring. Immediately next to the AC plug will be an AC to DC converter. How boring is this? This is terrible. Oh, there's a chart now. Dear God. This is four more videos. This is too complicated for me.

That's the whole idea. I don't even know the presidents. How can I figure this out? It's trying to bore your brain's dead right now. Oh no, circuit board. I'm losing my mind. How did you understand how this stuff works, people? This is so hard.

How do you do this? By the way, I just got in from DC and I walk in the house and our nanny is here and she goes, you look tired. And I go, oh yeah, I am. You look very tired. And I go, thank you. She's like, she's nods. She told me I look tired this morning too.

She told me that. Thank you. Did you sleep last night? I'm like, no, not really. You look tired. Yeah. She's very old today. Very sick.

Thank you. Are you dying? To die? To have cancer? AIDS? To have problems? No, when I go, I go, hey, so don't forget this week is our getaway, Tom and I. She goes, oh, that is very good, very good.

You guys need to sleep. I'm like, I get it. We look like shit. I know. Yeah. You need the rest. Thank you. Have you seen, by the way, have I played for you this guy that dresses up like a hippo?

Have you seen it? You haven't seen it in the wild to get close to hippos? I've seen a piece of it. Yes. This is amazing. Yes, I've seen it. Yes. I'm on the trail of a giant, the hippopotamus.

When it comes to land mammals, they're terrifying. They're the largest. Oh, yeah. Weighing up to 6,000 pounds. Oh, my life. That's two tons. On this adventure, my plan is to get within a farms reach of these formidable gladiators. You know, they're crazy.

The hippos are the deadliest animals in Africa. I believe it. I mean, the deadliest is in terms of the kill the most people every year. Really? The hippos. More than like. Than anything. Really?

Far more. The shit that can run fast. They can actually haul last, you know, for not for as long, but these guys can chase a person down. They can just come after you and bite you. They can chomp you in half. That's crazy. Like split you in half.

Well, and that's the misnomer or whatever, mis, whatever, what they do in children's books. You grew up thinking that hippos are like the friendliest, coolest animals. No, they're not cool. No, a Chuck E. Cheese. They used to have a singing hippo. These are dinosaurs, man. Yeah, they're fucking lethal. Yeah.

You shouldn't be teaching kids that they're friendly and wearing dresses and singing. This motherfucker, by the way, is this guy? Is this bad bite? Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like a bad bite. Let me see if this says it. Little bad bite.

Yeah. It is guy. Yeah. It is this guy. Oh my God. Wow. No way, you guys. Part two of the bad bite guy.

I got a bad bite guy. Yeah. Is it an extraction to get hippo sweat? That's what it is. No one's actually. Hippo sweat. It's actually, I think, a captured hippo sweat from a hippo in that, like, in the moment was four.

Uh-huh. Is there a reason for that? I don't know. Why do we need the sweat? Maybe it's because nobody gives a shit. It's assumed that their sweat has antibacterial properties scientists want to research. Oh, okay. So he makes a fake hippo body.

That's bananas. Yeah. That's a total crazy thing. I got a bad bite. I feel this. I got a bad bite. One of my favorite clips, by the way. I feel I got a bad bite.

I love that he just keeps saying it and he doesn't move. Oh, over and over. Yeah. I got a bad bite. Covered him back. Here's what he's done. If the secrets of hippo sweat are unlocked, some scientists believe it could result in powerful new antibiotics and sunblocks for humans, but no one's ever retrieved sweat

from a live, undruck, wild hippo. Well, yeah. I'm going to give it a try. No, you're not. Look at that. No, you're not. That is not cool. Stupid.

One thing is clear. Oh, no. I need an innovative approach. Don't fuck around. That's one thing that's clear. Just the idea. That's big. A hippo hideout.

Are you serious? This guy's out of his mind. This guy? I'm building a new suit to approach wild hippos. No. So I can get near enough. To capture their sweat. Dude.

Fucking white people, man. I know. So fucking stupid. This is so dumb. This is so dumb. Yeah. This is such an old white guy thing to do. This is how fucking Steve Ruin got killed doing stupid shit.

Have we not learned the lesson? Stop fucking with them. Stop fucking with them. Look at that thing. Operation hippo stakeout is ready for deployment. Here's the thing. This guy had a... Our strategy is to carry the hippo...

Had like a, you know, a real production team make this thing. It looks like some shit you'd see at a kid's birthday party, you know? Like shit. I mean, if the kid was like, I like hippos. You'd throw that in the pool and be like, there's a hippo right there. You know? And then he's going to go out in the wild in Africa with this. I'd try harder.

And leave me alone inside. Right here. Oh, no. Get your life. Get your entire life, bro. No fucking way. Dude, how much would they have to pay to do this? Oh, I would be so terrified.

Untold millions. Look at those fucking things. No, dude. No. This guy's crazy. This guy's insane. What are you doing, dude? I mean, what do you think it would take for that hippo to run through that thing?

A lot? A lot of effort? There's a giant hippo near shore. Hippo. I just need to get close enough to open my hand to extend the scraper. What? A scraper. This guy's out of his fucking mind, dude. You think a hippo can't smell that you're not a hippo immediately?

Well, it's funny you bring that up. Oh. Because... Do you have a bad sense of smell? At least hippos can take a dip for relief. I've got to tough it out on land. That's pretty nerve-wracking. You saw him, he got up with it.

Yes. That was terrible. Just sitting inside this thing and not knowing what's going to happen. You know, you really... Yeah? I have to rely on my video monitor to even know what's going on outside. It's just scary. It's just scary.

Yeah. Here's what I meant, though. Maybe don't. How much do you think he does get paid? You can't make that much. No, no, no. It's not for the money. This is like...

Definitely not. 1,500 a week. I mean, it's more than that, but he's not making... He's no president. Let's just say that. Right, right, right. The stench is just overpowering in here. Since I covered this with hippodon.

It's making in the sun and it just... So the hippos think he's a hippo. It's overpowering. It's eye-watering. Goddamn it. He's not. He doesn't. He doesn't do anything.

I swear. He's just... It's so dramatic, this guy. Because it's overpowering because there's hippo shit all over this fucking fake thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just cooking. Cooking. So, but that proves more to your point of, you know, the hippos would be able to smell

them. If not, for sure. Make it smell that he's a human. Of course. Yeah. Oh, God. I hope he gets attacked. I think the mud has definitely helped the believability factor of my hippo decoy.

The first time I deployed it with mud on it, man, I had a hippo come so close. My decoy definitely holds promise as a stationary blind. The spirits have been read. Man, I wish this had footage of him scraping sweat and a hippo just fucking annihilating him. Look at the sweat. And it paid off with a close encounter. Oh, boy.

I feel like I got a bad bite. Wait, so did he get the sweater on? I didn't put it together. I don't know. Yeah. That is the bad bite guy. That's hilarious. God.

What a dipshit. Yeah. The stench is just overpowering you here. Guys, why would you put yourself in harm's way? I don't know. It is entertaining though. I'm glad he's doing it. Yeah.

Thank you for entertaining us and putting your life on the line multiple times for us. And that's Steve Ruhman. I loved him. I mean, he was the original guy who was doing all the stuff, right? Yeah. He was so cool. It's such a bummer. He's gone.

Well. Yeah. It is actually, right? Yeah. I missed that guy. Yeah. He really was. He was so enthusiastic.

He had a real enthusiasm for all these animals. Remember, he was such a dork. He was always like, oh, it's beautiful. Crying. Yeah. His kids are doing it now. Yeah. Yeah.

Bindi. Yeah. And the son too. Bindi. I don't know. Bindi and Mindy. The two children. Check this out.

We have the female version of this now. Oh, women's last time you got off. Oh, boy. A couple of days ago. A couple of days. Wow. See, probably have a nice big buildup in there, don't you? Oh, boy.

Yeah. A lot of sticky common-nose balls. Okay. All right. Wait a minute. Right. So you got common-nose balls. Wow.

Seems to be the question. Yeah. Nobody knows the answer to that. Of course they come. So anybody wants to know. So you got common-nose balls. A lot of detectives looking for the same answer. Same thing.

Everyone's looking for it. I hope we find it. Me too. You have a lot of sticky common-nose balls. Where's the common-nose? Geez. Yeah. So everyone's, you know, it's like these people are like that guy in the hippo outfit.

Right. And they're just hiding in different things trying to find this stuff. Right. People scientists. Wow. Geez. I sure hope we get an answer when it's asked. So far, everybody just asks where it is and they can't seem to find it.

Poor guy. Right. We have to, maybe President Trump can put some money towards it. I know he's working on his financial plan right now. My fellow Americans, there's one mystery we have not yet solved in this country. And that is where all the come is. If you have hot sticky common-nose balls, please step forward. You know how many people would come forward?

I'm sorry. How many dudes would come forward? Mr. President. I've got some. I definitely have a hot sticky common-nose balls. Thank you. Thank you for serving the country. A proud American.

You know, these guys, they could have kept all their come to themselves. They thought about the rest of us and they came forward. Wow. Patriots. Patriots. Patriots. The gate that I'm going to demonstrate now is the hemiparate gate. This gate, if we were to demonstrate, we need to be able to show the extension of the leg

and internal rotation. So the leg is too long. We get circumduction with the paratic side. Very importantly as well is that the upper extremity is very much involved. Hemiplegic. So there's an abduction of the shoulder, flexion of the elbow, pronation of the wrist, the thumb is tucked under, and a cortical fist. So this is the position of the hemiparatic gate.

This is what we used to make fun of. Grade school. And you make fun of like retarded people. Is this how you pretend to walk? Yeah, it's called a retard walk. You can actually hear. And then you go, uh, yeah, yeah. As well.

As we have circumduction. What? You're terrible. This is what we used to make fun of, retarded people in elementary school. Upper extremity postured into the cortical posture. Retard. Extremity is a chart conducted. This is hilarious.

I don't feel like I'm appreciating it for the moment because it's so good. Why does the video even exist? Who's he? Is he teaching you to walk like that? He's like, guys, we all want to make fun of retarded people. But here's the technical terms and ways to do that correctly. If you're going to mock somebody, you got to know what you're doing. Now, once you find the cum that we've all been looking for,

I want you to pay attention and I'll show you how to walk like a tart. Ready? Right. The hemmy. Yeah. Hemiplegic gait. The hemiplegic gait. Hemiplegic gait.

That thing got a hemmy. That's right. That must be what it's in reference to. That must be it. That's a really good. Because southerners are retarded. So there you go. There you go.

And there you go. Oh man. Do you think they let kids make fun of retarded kids anymore? No. Definitely not. What do you think of this shit? We used to say to each other and we call each other faggot retard. I've noticed a casual retarded on stage.

It doesn't fly. No. It's not like there's a huge backlash, but people don't react to it. Yeah. It's not cool anymore. Yeah. It's definitely not. It's on the no fly list.

Wow. It's so amazing. A lot of sticky cum in those balls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I almost wish we could make a t-shirt. Where's the cum?

Oh, we could. I feel like that won't be a big seller. Wait, why? Because you expand on your I thought for a second. I don't know. I just feel like. Guys, why aren't you buying the where's the cum shirt? Wearing it to church.

Wearing it to your. Family functions. School. Yeah. Duh. Yeah, we invested in this really cool design. It's a designer shirt. It's actually a James Perr shirt.

Would it be like a guy, like, you know what I mean? Yes. Explorer. Yes. Looking out. Maybe some binocs. He's glassing for them. Yeah.

Where's the cum? Are we shrugging? Shrugging your shoulders? Where's the fucking cum in? I can't find it anywhere. Such an important, thoughtful question. No, man. It's very true.

We're having our mommy getaway tomorrow. Are you excited? Mm-hmm. What are you doing? Sleeping. Me too. Chilling. This is sleeping.

Yeah, we do it. We try to do this once a month where, you know, we don't go far or recommend it to any young parents. If you can, you have your folks or your, you know, trusted loved one come over and watch your child for one evening and you go, even if it's down the street, you have like a little getaway. Yeah. It's a definite necessity, man.

We put our kid in a little crate and we put a bottle in there. Well, you put the water thing. You can lick it. You put the water thing in there. Yeah. You leave them some diapers. You go, just change yourself when it happens. Change yourself.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to sleep too. I'm really excited just to do nothing. Oh, yeah. I like to just sit and stare. That's my favorite. Yeah. Staring is a lot of fun.

Or just TV, watchings or, I really want to drink during the day. That's like one you can't really do as a parent. I know. I'm a young child. Yeah. You're very good at parenting if you do. Yeah. You can have a simple one.

Yeah, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not fun when you're like, I got to take care of another life. I'm responsible for somebody. It takes a while. You got to do this, man. Everyone's got to do this.

But I mean, I think it's also, by the way, it has nothing to do with parental status also, whether if you're single or have no kids, everyone, I'm a big advocate for a vacation, a time away. You got to find the come. You got to find that come. Yeah. You got to take a break and just look for it. I agree.

If you don't, no one's ever going to find it. Well, too, because the thing is, you realize how short life is and you're like, dude, what are we doing? Just grinding, grinding. Dude. Take a day, man. Absolutely. Madonna said it best.

Just one day out of life. It would be so nice. Wow. Holiday. She's right. We're talking to my manager about that when you're like, where'd you go on vacation this year? He's like, God, I didn't go anywhere.

I don't know. You got to take a vacation, man. You got to. You can't just do this shit every day of the week, all the time, every week, every month. No. No matter what you do. No, it makes life miserable if you're just working, working, working. And actually, you know, I realized that I, I get happy when I see photos of people on

vacation. I see it. Other people's vacations. Yeah. Like I go, that's all. No. Just cause I see them enjoying life. Yeah.

You know, like when I, when they're, I don't know, they're in the mountains or they're in Hawaii or this and I'm just like, oh, these people, like I, I feel like all these people are doing it right. Yeah. It's funny because I never, I never think about life as something to enjoy. That might just be like my Eastern block upbringing. Like it's just not there. So when we do these things, that's a little weird.

It forces me to like, oh, this is what it's for. You're supposed to laugh and like have fun and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I feel good. And you know, do fucking yoga. I love it. It was really good.

Yoga fart. I like her deck. Yoga fart. Have you farted during yoga? Uh, I've had to fart during one of the few yoga classes I took. Yeah. I've had to fart during pilots too. Oh, we're, we're a trainer.

Yeah. But I didn't, I didn't fart. Obviously I held it. I've had to fart too. I've been like, eyes bugging out. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

You know, I've been seeing a chiropractor. Your body gets in some weird positions. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I went to see the chiropractor today and I had to fart when he, he's like, okay, now we're going to, you know, when he starts to do the adjustments and I was like, oh dude, I got one in the chamber. Like he could push down on you and yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wish you farted like that in front of him. He'd be like, where's the fart? Yeah. He'd be like, I found the fart.

I found him. I don't know. Do you really wish I would in front of him? 100%. Speaking of farts, we got an email, uh, double pipe classic secret recipe. Oh, oh. I drank a kombucha to loosen up the pipes for my keto baby browns and then followed it up with my first Xevia ginger root beer about half an hour later, the Xevia gave me wicked

burps and my third burp was matched by an accidental fart that had some serious pressure behind it. They were both so loud. I didn't know which was which, but all I know is that it was the second best moment in my life. Second only to the birth of my children. Try it out. Happy double piping Mario.

Wow. Mario with the formula there. Now I'm interesting. These are two very, uh, gas heavy beverages absolutely, absolutely. And Xevia. Absolutely. You know, people have different ways of achieving their goals and, um, you know, this is this guy's going heavy on the beverage and just seeing like maybe that makes sense.

So cause all that gas has got to find a way out. Maybe that is a secret. You double up on him. But no, it's really, uh, thought provoking about Mario's plan is that kombucha is designed for intestinal health. That's the whole point is that it creates farts and the Xevia, as we know from this show creates burps. So you're really looking at increasing your chances of a double pipe classic.

Now there's no such thing as a perfect recipe for a DPC, but you can definitely up the probability of having one with this formula. I'm, I think this is genius. Yeah. Really serious. The whole, I feel like here's, there's like very few topics in life. I can really get excited about like philosophy, a reality television burping and farting. I could talk about those four topics, hours, days, you could, and you are, we have, and

you have, and you do all the time and therapy. I love talking about mental health. I think it's fascinating. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh.

Yes. Yes. You got a major. Major. I'm excited because I'm going to follow your, your lead. You're going to do it? Yeah. Well, here, here, what it's like before you do.

Tell the people what happened. So number one, I had my crown replaced now, just like our refrigerator store. It's a dental update brought to you by teeth. Right. Yeah. I had a crown that was bothering me for five years. Every time I would eat, food gets stuck around the gum under it. And I'd have to go to the pains, the floss, and it was hurting every time.

Five years. A long time. Much like the thing of like, why don't we just buy more phone chargers instead of having one in the house that you and I would take turns with. I was like, oh, I should probably just get this changed. Yeah. And it's fantastic. Yeah.

I'm happier already. I haven't had any problems. You too. It's a thrill. Yeah. Now here's what I did. I got my teeth professionally whitened at the dentist. Here's the thing they don't tell you.

It's one hour and it's fucking excruciatingly painful. Yeah, man. That sucks. It sucks so bad. But let's see those choppers though. One hour. Yeah. Did you hear the ding?

Like, yeah, it looks rad. Here's what they do. And you pulled the plug at a certain point. Here's what I did. Yeah. Because, well, here's the fucking thing. So I got two veneers in the front. Those can't get darker or lighter because they're fake teeth.

Right. So I have to bleach the rest of my teeth to match the two fronts every couple of years because your natural teeth darken with normal stains. So I tell the ding dong, whatever assistant there a couple of weeks ago, hey, these are veneers. I'd like to whiten the other teeth to match them. So three quarters of the way through the treatment, by the way, they put like hydrochloric acid on your teeth.

It's bleach. It's fucking high powered stuff. They, you know, they put the laser on it and then you sit there with that spreader in your mouth for an hour while they apply it four times. You have the come dog apparatus. And it doesn't feel good and it hurts. And then what happens? Is it stinging that whole time or it breaks?

No. It hurts the whole time. Really? Because like when you do it at home, that jelly you take home, it's like 10%, 15%. What they use in the office. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wow.

Smells bad. My tears come to my eyes. That was perfect. It doesn't smell good. Sorry. That was a perfect fart. Thank you. You've really got to be proud of yourself.

Yeah. I'm pretty proud that you cut that on, on, on show. By the way, no disrespect to your story. Can you please go back? Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Yeah. No disrespect to your story. Can you please go back? Okay. I'm just amazed that you got the sound and the pitch. I flew today. It's always.

Wow. It's spectacular. And in the professional mics. Yeah. And it was right up to the area. We got to find in the time code and save it for Ellis. Yeah. Okay.

Back to my story. Yeah. Here's the thing. The gel that you take home to do your shits and your trays. It's like a fraction of the, the power at the dentist's office. So what they're doing is they're using the highest amount of bleach. Yeah. They put some shit to protect your gums, but that doesn't matter because it leaks out.

It'll get your gums. It'll hit your tongue. It'll hit your everything. Yeah. And it feels like hydrochloric acid burning it fucking hoites. So anyways, I'm fucking there at 45 minutes. I got to tap out. It's hurting.

And I say to the lady, the assistant, I go, Hey, how wide are we doing this? Because my veneers can't lift. So it's got a match and she goes, Oh, you have bondings. I was like motherfucker. I told, this is what? This was the conversation we already had. Did you tell the doctor? I go, he knows.

I told you, bitch. Yeah, dude. So I go, listen, wipe this shit off. Let's see where we're at because if I get the rest, Steve Harvey white and then the front two, we've done this mistake. I've done this mistake. I know. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. So we wiped it off and I was like, done. I'm done. Tap down. Are you sure we have one? I'm like, don't worry about it. I don't want to whiter. I'll come back.

Now here's the thing. It's pain and suffering, but it's one hour of it and then you're done versus fucking your tea. Look amazed versus taking that shit home, doing it over weeks and weeks and weeks, burning the shit out of your gums. Anyways, you may as well have the dentist do it. I mean, are you trying to be perfect? Well, I know who's trying to win.

I'm not even drinking a carbonated drink. Isn't that something? Yeah, but you forget, you have the perfect storm of travel day. Oh, I know. I'm not saying it didn't happen. I traveled bacteria in Washington, DC food. You've got bacteria on plain food. You have bacteria in LA food.

You've got three different cities in your guts right now, flying over them and then, yeah. Anyway, massive dental update. I'm glad to have this new crown. I'm just, you know, I'm thrilled and I can't believe I waited this long and you know what? It's 1500 bucks, but it's worth every penny. Yeah, I'm going to do it. Not, no, not the whitening.

The whitening is not 1500. The crown. No, I know, I know. The whitening, you know, it's like, yeah, but fucking do it. A professional does it. You're only doing it every couple of years, right? Of course. You can only do it so long because it burns a shit out of your mouth and you're, you're

going to hurt. Oh, and then the receptionist goes, now you can't have red wine or anything that could stain a white t-shirt because your teeth are very porous. Some people don't even want to do the treatment because they're like, I got to have my wine at night. I'm like, well, those people are alcoholics. Yeah, they can't do it for one night. Yeah.

Or drink white wine that night, you algae. I'm trying to get out. Yeah, they always do, I'm fine. This video is pretty funny. It's a guy in Singapore. Have you been flossing lately? Yeah, I've been flossing. You said that with conviction, so I trust you.

Your teeth do look good, but dude, you should profess white. I'm going to. Yeah. Yeah. Now that I know you've done it, this guy in Singapore thinks that a foreigner is taking too long at the ATM, so he starts to verbally berate her. It's pretty intense actually. Really?

Yeah. Hello. What are you doing? This thing. I am losing my patience with you. You don't know how to operate this machine. Get out. I don't think of Singapore like that.

This guy has some NYC flair to him. I do like it because he's saying what I think. He's saying what the other people want to say, but they're not going to say it. No. That's a difference. It's called social restraint. Oh, by the way, if you've been stuck in an ATM behind someone who doesn't know what the fuck's going on.

Yes, and I've been the person that doesn't know what the fuck's going on. I know, well, we all have, but it can be nerve-racking when you keep hearing. But you're like, Hey, you're either withdrawing or you're depositing, like one of the two, right? What are you doing right now? I know, pick a lane asshole. You're being fucking inconsiderate. Where did you come from?

Oh shit. Which country are you from? Oh. You come to Singapore, you behave yourself. Nice. What the fuck do you think this is? Nice. Turn it up.

Damn, dude. Well, he's right. In Singapore, they got stricter rules on stuff. Can't put them on the ground, you can't take your time at the ATM, right? Yeah. Demigrate motherfucker. Yeah. It's good.

The fucking thing this is, you cannot behave yourself, you go home. Okay. Do you understand that? I'm not understanding you. And don't shout at me. You are shouting that. Fuck off. I cannot put it in.

Fuck off. You're annoying me. Check out. Damn. You fucking spit. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wait, this is the climax here, ready? I'm ready. Get out. Get out yourself. Hello? You dare? You want us to slap? Try to slap me now.

Yes, I will. Do it now. If you are inconsiderate, I will. Do it, do it. Slap me now. No. Get out. Oh, shut up.

Get out. Go home. Fuck yourself. Oh, man. How long do you want me gay? Wow. Wow. That's uncomfortable, right?

Yeah. I mean, that's excessive. Yeah. Do you want to slap? Yeah. It's not cool. It's pretty funny though. Yeah.

He's worked up. Mr. Singapore is. Yeah. We have some people listening to Singapore. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, hello. Hello.

I haven't provided, I didn't have anything carbonated. Hello. Hello. Hello. What the fuck do you think this is? I like that accent. Yeah. There's a guy on Instagram I follow.

He's got a little Maltese. Little Ching Ching. Mm-hmm. He talks like that. He's from Singapore too. Yeah. A little gay Singaporean dude. Oh, hello.

Little Ching Ching. Ching Ching's the name of the dog? Uh-huh. No, no. It's not a Maltese. It says something else. It's cute as fuck though. The name is Ching Ching.

Ching Ching. He goes, oh, hello little Ching Ching. You got to go out tonight and get wasted. My dog Ching Ching. This crazy fat kid. This crazy fat kid. This crazy fat kid running North Korea. I know.

That's how like your friend's dad would describe it. Yeah, I love it. You know? I love it. Somebody was like, who are you talking about? Oh, this is crazy fat kid running North Korea. But that's how our senator described him on the news. Love it.

I do too. Huge fan. Um, so we have a mirror. Last week there's just this masterful. Uh, hi mommy. Thanks jeans. It was, I've been thinking about it. And it was like a hill.

That guy went back and doubled down on it. Yeah. How could you improve on something perfect? It's pretty. It's pretty impressive. I saw it. It's like your jeans are already as tight as they can be. And then you tighten them.

It's, uh, it's another, yeah, it's, I mean, it's not possible. It's really crazy. Let's see. Uh, he outdid himself. It says, uh, he goes, hi blue band. Thank you for passing along my last video. Um, he, he had me said, uh, honestly, his motivation to try and outdo myself. Um, I got a bunch of other classic gems in there, but I'll let you discover them

yourself. A girl through a, uh, through me a few curve balls. So I had more pauses than I hoped for. Um, thanks for considering me, Jean Landon, but the second week in a row that he just, well, I mean, it's just a, hey mommy, thanks. Jean's master. It's inside the high mommy studios. It's like, yeah, it's crazy.

Okay. Let's see it. Ring, ring, ding, dong, ding, ding. Ding, dong, ding, dong. Ding, dong, ding, ding, ding. And he's not even at the teller yet. Reconnection. Wow.

It's gotta do, it's gotta do, it's gotta do. Look at him. Look at him. Projectiles. He's got somebody filming him. So can I get fresh for you today? Salome, how you doing today? Good, how are you?

Uh, you know, same shit, different toilet, but, uh, I've got, uh, I'm sorry. Can you hold on one second? I'm sorry. Hey, case, when are you gonna bring back my staple gun, man? I'm trying to finish a gazebo. God damn. You remember that? Yep.

Yep. That's cut man. Right, right, right, right. If you guys have a case. Yeah. I can see bro. You can have my staple gun, man. I'm trying to finish a gazebo.

God damn. Yeah. If you go on Ryan Sickler's YouTube, where you type in either of our names and cut, man, it's on his YouTube page. It's broken down into like 10, 11 episodes. And it's a, we made that in 2005. And bananas. I'm so sorry about that.

I had a phone call there. It's not orders for a couple of different people, but it's all on one ticket. Is that okay? Yeah, go ahead. Like that you ask permission for that. Like as if, like, hey, can I order food for a bunch of people on the same ticket? Like they're going to be like, no. Right.

And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I love that. Yeah. Okay. Let the conversation begin. I'm going to start with the buffalo chicken tenders or the spicy chicken tenders. Now, do you have two in you or do you have three in you?

Wow. Listen to her. She's like, oh. Like the pieces? Yeah. Yeah. We have a two-piece backpack or you can get a four-piece or an eight-piece basket. That definitely threw her.

Cause he's like, do you have two in you or three in you? She's like, pieces. Let's just do a four-piece. Yeah. Okay. You know, I'm going to have to do a thousand ranch with that. Yes. So then I'm looking here on the crevice of the menu.

The store down on the hundreds block has chips in a bowl. Do you guys have that? Jesus. I'm sorry. Do we have one? Chips in a bowl. You guys don't have that? We don't.

Okay. Probably don't have hot dogs and Gatorade either. Yes. That's fine. You know what? God. I saw that Moto Sensei recommended something for me here. He's been coming here like 67 years.

So I trust him. It's like the original butter burger with cheese. Is that? Sure. And then our butter burgers do come just to order. So what would you like on that besides cheese? Let's see. I'm going to get that with, I'd like everything on it except onions and pickles.

I have a dental update later. So I don't want. I think the really impressive part is that this is, he's not like reading it off of something. No. This is all memory. Tomato lettuce tomato. That's okay. Yeah.

I'll update later. So I don't want that onion drop. You know what I'm saying? Well, it's fine. Okay. So then for my dad here, let's see. My dad, he needs, have my dad's dig. I need my dad's balls.

The cheese balls. Are you calling cheese curds here? I'm sorry. Oh, I know this place. Butter burger. He's nothing. I want 1000 ranch for that. Oh my God.

And then my mommies, let's see. Is there one of just like a cup of soup? You guys have like soup, like beef cream, chicken cream. Oh my God. Thursday lane stuff. Thursday lane. It's like a creamy soup. And then we have chili.

Let's just do the cup of chili. Okay. Yeah. That's beautiful. Guppy. God damn. Sorry. One last question.

The kids meals. You guys, do you guys still do the pup play kids meal? I'm sorry. The what? The pup play. We have the cheeseburger, cheeseburger, corn dog, grilled cheese, chicken tenders. Okay. It's nothing sexual.

That's fine if you don't have it. And then I think I just need to get just one drink. I need a large diet Pepsi. Can you put no ice in that? Last time I, I don't know why. Last time I came here, my ice smelled like a butthole. Oh my God. This guy's going deep in the vaults.

Anything else for you today? And then I think I need to finish up. There's two young gentlemen behind me and they're looking to order. So I think I'm going to fill her up and seal her shot here. Wow. Wow. Amazing. 35.

Okay. I'm just looking the menu. Let's see. I got the tenders, the chili, the drink. You do the math. Something's missing here. Oh no, wait. I see it.

I see it. Your drink and your chili. Yep. I see it in there. I mean, this was great. Really well done. Thanks Gene. This lady definitely knows something's wrong.

And he is definitely on their list of don't, like maybe, if, if there's a lady working alone, have a guy also stand at the cash booth when this guy drives up because something's not right. Right. He's talking to himself. He hears voices in his head. Yeah. She's a little worried about Landon.

When was you do the math? You do the math as King Ashrapper. Right. All right. I had four breakfast burritos, 250 calories. Yeah. Sausages has 500 calories. How much is that?

You do the math. You do the math. Right. Right. Dude. Whoa. It's their dinner time. Oh my goodness.

It's because the nanny's out there. Oh, okay. Hey. Quiet. They're pulling the fan string again. Damn. I'm having a big ass fucking breakfast. Hey.

Oh, four bean and cheese burritos, lathered with two big ass eggs. Stupid. And fucking six sausage and cheese patties. That's so nasty. Oh, look at that. Four bean burritos. That's about five or a thousand calories right there. They need sausage patties, 150 calories.

You do the math. There you go. There's the origin of it. Shut up. Quiet. Quiet, Bitzels. Shh. Quiet.

Come here. Come here, stupid. Come here. Schnitzel. Come here. Dummy, dummy. Come here, schnitzel. All right, Gene.

You do the math. You do the math. I will say, and the amount of forethought that went into Landon's pitch, whatever presentation was was startling really good. I mean, they all do. I, you know, I don't mean to diminish anybody else. Of course you've all done incredible work. This guy, he really went into the vaults.

He really amazed. It's all amazed. We're rocking our gene. Of course we are. Hoodies. Singular gene. Gene. This is my, I love it.

It's soft. It's like a spring hoodie. It is not too thick. It's really soft, really well made. I think you'll love it for spring times, spring evenings. And they've, they've moved a bunch. That's for doing that. We appreciate it as always.

Again, for those of you don't know, we do a live video on Facebook at the end of every episode. So it's good. It's on our Facebook page. That is facebook.com slash your mom's house podcast. We'll be live here in a moment. And then you do math genes tickets are at 1000 ranch.com. I'm at Tom cigarette.com.

That dumb dog is staring and barking still. And yeah, thank you guys very much for listening to the show. We'll be back next week with another one. This is a, this is who is this Ramsey McQueen again with his song cucumber. So I'm sure it's influenced by a kumba, but that's it for today. Thanks, Gene. Bye guys. Bye mommies.

Thank you guys for listening to the show. Thank you guys for listening to the show. Thank you guys for listening.