Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 393-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: April 26, 2017

If you're a lady and you're having trouble getting pregnant or perhaps you want some more excitement in bed, there has been a new development that is changing lives - LEECHES. You just need to shove them up inside of you.  Plus, aren't nail clippers incredible? This one dude thinks so and we happen to agree. We'd love to put the personality argument to rest, but both moms are still bickering. Isn't it obvious??? Plus, there's some big Chef John fans writing in and defending his UP-speak AND we have Would You Rather, Fill Her Up and MORE. There isn't enough denim in this world to match up with this episode. 

Y'all shout out Tut Ple flour you know what I'm saying! you know what I'm saying! you know what I'm saying! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy loves you more than daddy Daddy, Daddy, Daddy doesn't know your middle name Mommy, Mommy, Mommy loves you more than daddy Daddy, Daddy, Daddy doesn't know your fuckin middle name Daddy's gonna kill my me in front of you Daddy, Daddy, Daddy's gonna slice a fuckin' tit's off Daddy's gonna kill my me in front of you Daddy thinks it's funny when an Asian man gets his luck smashed Your mom's house, pulling your jeans also tie you if it's shit

I'm drinking water like what in my piss is so clear what's the work Burned crisis so unbelievably fast, suck my pussy on a bloody day Throws Zilla, sent me a LinkedIn request, gonna hook her up with Peter King I drink and do marijuana, 75 isn't one day And if you wanna hear a cool fight, check this blaster from my how do you say? Asshole, never thought I'd get to see the day where I'd be the one to shot God bless is a big word, God bless us into 95 I just need two jars, to store my double five plastics

And then I take those two jars and store them away in the freezer for later use I just need two jars, to store my double five plastics And then I take those two jars and store them away in the freezer for later use It's pretty impressive I was a little nervous in the beginning Because I was a little aggressive It's real aggressive But then we know this guy, what's his name?

This is Lord Columbus, it's called triple pipe montage He does, it's your mom's house, put him up That's Joe Double Are you sure they sound very similar? I mean unless he's got a new name, could have a pen name Yeah maybe, I feel like it's the same guy Yeah That's really good stuff

A lot of references, a lot of old school stuff You worked a lot of stuff in there, yeah I was really impressed, really impressed Jean It's always good How are you doing? I'm alright, I got my fancy green jacket on Yeah, where'd you get that? You didn't even really acknowledge

I mean it's kind of, it's thrown me off so much that my brain's processing it What about it is throwing you off? Just the fucking awesomeness of it? Yeah, it's bold, it's a bold fashion choice Well I was at... Is this part of the new Gucci collection? No, I was at the mall getting my phone fixed and I walked through Macy's, or as you call it, the garbage dump

Yeah It's not really up to your standards Right But I saw this and I thought, why not? So I got it, to Macy's purchase You were in Rwanda and then they had that? Macy's, get over here Do you feel like Macy's is...

It's not as bad as like a Sears No, of course It's not, no, neither one, I mean they're fine But it's fun to mock them Yeah Not Nordstrom, is that what you call it? Not Nordstrom, not Neiman No, definitely not Neiman

Not Barney's Who really shops at Neiman Marcus though, I feel like... That's so fancy Yeah, it's fancy Bartney's too But fuck Barney's, dude I went there once, like in a, you know, in a rush I was like, oh, I need, I forget what I needed, a belt or shoes

And it was one of those things where a quick stroll Through the store, and it's almost like they look at you like Do you really want to get that here? Yeah Like the guy was sympathetic, he's like We have this discount one for $400 and I was like I think, isn't it another store? He's like, yeah, it's other stores, you should probably check them out

Barney's is ludicrous, you can't get out of there without spending For $500 on... Well, that would get you one fucking sock That's, it's preposterous It's fucking dumb, you gotta be an idiot if you're doing that Yeah, that's good Fuck all that But it's for a certain people that want to do that

A certain level of mommy Yeah, well, it's like, I think you want, like your thrill is in spending a lot That's what you want Is that what it is? I think so Even if I had the millions to spend I'm not sure I would do it, like I don't... It's just, it's an ethical thing

Yeah, I don't know, I think that's some people's rush though Definitely, I know it's some people's rush You like to, yeah Yeah, they go like, I spent all... I'm all in, they spent $500 on a belt Yeah, you see them with the shot, you know, 10 shopping bags You see people like that Yeah

What are you doing? They're getting, they gotta, they gotta rush from it Yep, yep Um, alright, we should do a proper show open We did our fitness today, man We'll get into it Fuck We'll get into it

Back into fitness, I've been down for two weeks I know, there's a lot to cover Fuck Um, here we go, let's open the show Proper like Hello, my little munchkins And welcome to my channel I'm Tetsi

And today's topic is, of course, vaginal leaching You came here because you're curious You clicked on the link to see What the heck is vaginal leaching I would, a woman put, out of all things, leaches in her vagina This shit is big time Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this

Your mama in the fucking stand Welcome, welcome Welcome to your mom's house With Don Segura Don Segura And Christina Pajitse Christina Pajitse Welcome to your mom's house

And I looked at all the clips When you were gone this morning And I thought this one, he's really going to get a kick out of And I was just close to asking you Hey, what are you thinking for the opening clip? And I was like, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt That he's going to choose something different Than vaginal leaching

Or, um, reading Vaginal discharge off of a panty line Well, you should have checked your doubt at the door Because that's what we're up to right now Yeah, yeah I think a little bit of I don't know what the word What's the word, like infantilism

Or something happening here Where she's very much a little girl You see Minnie Mouse in the background? That's what she is, that's her little doll in the background Right, she's got Minnie Mouse And then pink, pink, pink, the heart She's got her big ol' hangers I just noticed that now

Her titties? Yeah And she's got a necklace that's pointing It's dripping jizz into her titties, you know Yeah So she wants you to see them That is a thing, um, psychologically When a girl still wears a lot of pinks

And they're an adult I think it's like That's why like those porno girls, they talk Like really, you're all highlighted It's like that you're refusing to be a woman Kind of thing Of course It's terrible

Of course Did you put them in your vagina? The reason women would put leaches in the vagina Is to treat some kind of condition Or to improve their health and well-being Or, um, to improve their sensations Whatever the reason may be Mainly it's health reasons, of course

Yeah, of course Of course it is Duh, it's like drinking your pee to To cure a cold And I just, cause I haven't seen any of this I just noticed that those are leaches right there In that jar Yeah

I think she's a Zyggine You think so? Gypsy She kind of looks like Roma Yeah, I can see it She's like, she's my tribe Yeah Totally

She's my tribe She's somewhere like Romania Or something, right? Mm-hmm Yeah She's fucked up Yeah How do you discover that that's what your vagina needs?

It's not You don't think it would be good? It's not It's for health reasons Yeah So it helps sensations It helps everything It creates sensations

Recently I came across a very, very Interesting, should I say, article Yeah About a woman placing leaches in her vagina In order to conceive a child At the age of 50 So I thought it was quite interesting And I thought I'd bring it to your attention

Yeah Yeah, very nice of you to bring that to our attention Seriously though In the, this would be considered an educational video Right Cause she's trying to Look at the hangers for real But they really are out there, right?

Yeah I mean there's How many unbuttoned buttons do you see? One, two, three, possibly four She's on the fourth one down, yeah I mean Well, babe, did you think that she was a scientist? Well, I think she's trying to give off the idea

That this, that she has knowledge to share This is science So if your video is about Well, wait a minute Well, how dare you, you're so misogynist Well, no, I mean I like them You're so sexist

I like them Why can't she be hot and smart? She should be a doctor and slutty at the same time, Tom She can be, she can be I'm totally in favor of her test Stop painting her with that brush Just because you're, you're funny Doesn't mean you can't be sexy

That's true Sorry And I'm going to also do Real-life demonstration As real as it can get Not using myself Oh, dad But using this little doll

Oh You don't want to see your pussy get leached Yeah, that's the whole thing That's the show, man That's the science This is the pussy leaching show God damn it Well, then do it on fucking live leaks

So we can see your snatch Yeah, man That would get a lot of views I know You could sell that clip Mrs. Gypsy, Teddy Gypsy Mina explained that her first treatment Was like having a pap smear

Okay, that's not That feel good Explain that the doctor used a plastic device Known as a spacculum A spacculum? This is what the device looks like This trick is out of her mind No shit

God damn it, dude And the doctor inserted the spacculum Into her vaginal canal And then proceeded to add three leeches And then allowed them to do their job To do what? To eat to her uterus? That is so foul, man

That's fucking... It makes me cringe Why? What could be more natural? What could be more loving than putting leeches In your vagina? I mean, just... Just knowing what vaginas are like

I just don't think that's a good idea I don't have one, but I can... I've seen a few I don't think that's a good idea Just what do you mean? I don't think it's good to put leeches in your pus What I'm concerned with I think it's okay in your pus

But then it can go into your uterus And then it's like... Well, how do you get the leech out? If you... What if the leech wants to... That's what I'm saying It sounds to me like You're really opening up the vag

And putting something in It means it can go through your cervix And into your uterus And it probably cause massive damage The leech doesn't have a pager, right? You can't be like, hey, you gotta get back here now Do what it wants Unless you're tying strings to all of their necks

And then you pull them down I mean, this is the crazy shit I'm feeling really comfortable with what... Oh, really? He wasn't? He was doing In an interview Leeches basically attracted themselves

To the inside of her cervix Oh, inside of her cervix Which doesn't sound very pleasant When the therapy was over The leeches dropped out Some coming out fatter Than a bottle of nail polish Ew

Oh, so they were really enjoying themselves Suck in the blood So they suck the blood out of your cervix That's... I can't be... I can't be... Sounds like... Nasty

Sounds like those leeches kind of... Bad bites Yeah, yeah A lot of stannema A lot of stannema Maybe just a little bit of glass A little bit of glass Just glass

Damn Bitch, you're crazy Now, why doesn't she do it If she's so stoked about this, man? I don't know Let's see if she explains why There's inside effects For the curious among you

You might be surprised to know That the vaginal leeches did their job After eight months of using them And discovered that she was pregnant At the age of 45 Oh, months She had much more energy than before But that wasn't the only side effect

Of the leech therapy Eight months, what, every day? You gotta explain more than that And I really can't see How that would help fertility That's nothing to do with... Does it give you better egg quality? Does it...

As she's... They're nuts This is nuts I also noticed that my orgasms Were longer And getting more intense In an interview Stating that she had some of the best orgasms

After each different round of treatment That's awesome You know, I know this I mean, we all know why she's crazy But again, I have this theory about the makeup Whenever you see a girl First of all, that color is bananas Lipstick

But when you see the liner of the lip liner Going above the line of the lip there You see that trick And she thinks she's fooling you Out here Yeah That's how you know bitches cray Just on a visual

Like you just glass a bitch And if that makeup goes up over the lip line No good Or she got makeup tattooed on Like tattooed eyeliner We also saw last week The eyeshadow all the way across everything Eyebrows

Like into the eyebrow lines If her eyebrows are too thin I mean, Tammy Pascatelli has a joke about that But if your eyebrows are all fucked up You know, you color them different colors I knew a girl who had purple eyebrows Yeah And like boo boo, that shit does not look good

Nobody likes that No Dudes aren't gonna like that I have my little friend here A Minnie Mouse Not Minnie, what are you doing? It's a Minnie Mouse Who's going to help us demonstrate

Which we understaffed And they sliced Minnie open And I have my jar of leeches And our little Minnie Mouse doll Is going to help us demonstrate Can you imagine if you're on a date with this woman You know, and you're just like Oh yeah, she's attractive

And you're having dinner And then she's like, come over And then, alright What do you want to do? And she's like, have you ever heard about vaginal leech therapy? And you're like, wait, what? She's like, I'm going to show you on my Minnie Mouse doll I sliced her pussy open

So that I can show you on her And it's supposed to help her health And also orgasms At that point, you're like, you know what? I have a meeting in the morning That I forgot about When the woman is laying down What you want to do is

She cut the fabric out of her crew I know The legs need to be put together like this Why? But the knees have to be opened So open up your knees Put your legs, your feet together And if you can

Play some mirror in front of you And shine a light I wouldn't advocate for self-dealing So then you proceed to insert In yourself to do this She's telling you how to do this shit at home Bitch, you crazy This instrument

Oh my god Once it's inserted You will then open it up And tighten the knob Yeah First of all, it's really simple to open yourself up Once the knob is tightened With a speculum, right?

The instrument keeps the vagina Open Entirely open Yeah What's that mean? Even just doing that to yourself? Probably not easy No, that doesn't seem easy

Well, it doesn't feel good when someone else does it to you Let alone doing it yourself Like, there's no way I can't imagine that's just like your Thursday night It's horrible What are you doing? I got this speculum Putting these leeches in my pus right now

Right Where do you even get the leeches? Great question This will come out really, really huge When it's full So with the knees open And feet together I like her smile

Drop it You will then proceed to place the leech All the way, using your forceps All the way inside So Unless you're all the way deep inside Yeah, I got it Don't release the leech

Thank you That is Mom Mom Mom Mom Why did you do that to me? You shouldn't do it

I don't think you should do it I don't think you should do it I'm gonna go ahead and say that I don't trust this lady But what if But what if leeching your penis could make it bigger? Would you do it? Everyone would do it Yeah, if you told the dude

Hey, you see your dick hole? If you put a leech in there, it'll grow Oh, yeah All you gotta do is slice the tip of your dick off And put a leech in there And guys would be like, alright, yep The ERs would be full of dudes with leeches on their dicks 100%

Yeah Definitely, a leech is definitely not gonna make it bigger I don't think so I think it's gonna make your dick smaller What if you could be like, but it sucks the nutrients, the blood It replaces it with whatever You could say anything Yeah, tell them to put it in their asshole

And then they would do it If you put a leech in your asshole, you dick will get bigger What? Honey, honey, honey, help me out here Here, hold my asshole open real quick with this thing Yeah, yeah, tighten the knob Can you see it real big? Good Now put like 10 or 12 leeches up in there

What if I get stuck inside my uterus, my womb? Yeah, that problem It's not gonna be able to come out I'm here to tell you that there's absolutely no chance Of the leech getting inside the cervix Why? There's no way because The walls, the lips of the cervix are like shut closed

Okay And there's really not much passing through Yeah, except when you ovulate or when you make a baby Well, how do you think sperm gets through these cervix, you ding-dong Yeah, but they're small It opens and it gets real They're sneaky and they're small Yeah

These leeches aren't so sneaky I don't know where she got her medical degree I think it's from Harvard I think it's what I was reading in the little And then once they're finished, they will crawl out on their own Girl, don't you to How long does this take? Pry anything open again to remove the leeches

That's not gonna be happening The leeches are gonna crawl out by themselves Okay See, you're just sitting there and then the leech crawls out of your cooch It just slithers out What's wrong with that? I'm done Oh, you're done?

Oh, there's three more in there Just give it a minute And they're all fat Oh, God Yeah So nasty That's pretty gross, man That's pretty gross

I'm so glad you shared that You know that we got a bunch of emails and messages People were like, do not make fun of this guy last week Yeah The cook, the chef Yeah, and I don't even remember I don't even know who he is Yeah

Chef John They're like, don't fuck with Chef John Yeah Because he has, all we're doing is saying this guy has upspeak Like, very Oh, that's the chef Yeah, yeah, this guy Yeah, people are so mad at us

Refried beans are one of the great mysteries of the culinary world Since how can there be a recipe for refried beans When there's no such thing as a fried bean recipe See? Fried bean recipe It's upspeak I'm gonna go ahead and soak one pound of pinto beans in cold water overnight And like everything these days, there's a lot of controversy

on whether you should do this or not And I'll let you do your own research on that It's controversy But I've been a bean soaker from way back Yeah So I did that mind-soaking cold water What's the controversy? Apparently, I love this guy

I don't know, I don't know anything about him I just kept getting I mean, the bean soaking controversy Oh my God, I guess some people don't soak their beans I like to soak mine, plenty You soak your beans all day In your hands Soak like this

Yeah, I didn't know that guy was famous Oh, look how the tables have turned No, no, no, wrong Here You have Azivia No And I have H2O I have my bottle and then Fiji is mine too

So Yeah Mmm Plenty more for me It's probably the first time you drank water today, so I understand Yeah, that's true Very high Um, anyways, so yeah

A lot of people, Chef John A lot of heat for Chef John, huh? Yeah, they were really, really A lot of people love Chef John But then we got this from an Aussie listener of ours Said that this guy, Frank Walker Whatever he talks about, he does upspeak in Australia Well

Hello Frank Walker from National Tiles This week, National Tiles have a beautiful range of Polish porcelain floor tiles Slashed by up to 30% and more See how he draws out every single word Yeah And he was like, whoa It's definitely a hook

Yeah It makes you remember how that guy speaks Yeah Well, to me, whenever any Australian person speaks, I'm like, oh, that's funny It's not American, you know That's what you think? It all sounds different to me when I hear him talking I like it

Well, it definitely sounds different But you go, that's funny That's not American But I think they all talk like this is what I'm saying I don't hear the distinction so much What? Whenever I hear an Aussie speak He's like, uh, tiles

Yeah, it just sounds wacky They all sound wacky because it's not American Yeah, I hear you Yes, until this Sunday only at National Tiles Save up for Tiles and more On a beautiful range of Polish porcelain floor tiles But only until this Sunday Rush into National Tiles now and save

Go to our website for details NationalTiles.com.au If I was a producer in the booth with him, I'd be like Hey, you keep extending these words And you should stop doing that And he would probably be like, that's what I always do Yeah, it's his thing, man I pick a word and then I make it eight syllables

When it's two, do you not like it? And I'd be like, no, I don't fucking like it Stop doing it Wow Hello Hello From National Tiles This week, National Tiles have a beautiful range of

Polish porcelain floor tiles It's weird Yeah, I kind of enjoy it though I like it more than I like Chef Bartlix Yeah, people really like that guy Yeah He kept getting messages about him Well, he sounds like he's genuinely sweet

I think that's what it might be Oh, here we go, I think you said this Oh, great You called him a gay lord Oh, yeah, that's right Hey, do not call Chef John an up-speaking gay lord Chef John was created by God herself To share seven-minute video recipes

He taught me proper knife techniques Like, what is that? Chiffonade? Do you even know what that shit is? Doubt it Well, obviously, no I keep my knife technique high and tight You spit in the face of cuisine and art

Chef John's angelic sing-song cadence Is evidence there is a higher power in this world Comparing his cherubic delivery To vocal fry is an affront to humanity This is the lowest, loosest thing I've ever seen From your mom's house Your balls are dry And I'm slightly sweaty now

Bye, Hitler Dustin P.S. I'm off to make a salt-crusted beef tenderloin And what is that? Mille I don't know For dessert

That you barbarians would not know anything about This guy, see? Die hard Die hard They love him Sorry, Chef John You talk like a retard You talk like a gay lord, retard

A gay lord, stupid retard But you're apparently a great chef Weekend of that Oh, yeah, I was going to bring that up This week, yeah You were in the bathroom You came out and I go, check this out And on my own, I just had the thought

Can retarded people drive? Right And the answer is yes It just blew my mind It really blew my mind, too I did not think that I don't remember why it happened now I went to the Frex to drop off a package

And as I was walking back to my car I saw the car that was parked You know, head to head And I go, is that a retarded guy in the driver's seat? No, I can't think I thought that Is that a retarded guy? And then I got in the car and I looked at him

And it wasn't But at that moment I go I wonder if retarded people can drive He just looked retarded He looked retarded for a moment Right So I just kind of I looked at him and I go

Hold on here I just kind of looked Put together that it wasn't But then the question was in my mind The burning question And I looked it up And here's what I found out There's no rules anywhere

Retarded Preventing them from driving It's crazy Here's the thing If they can pass the test That's what it's all about So if they pass the written test And they pass the actual driving test

Nothing says, well, you pass these But you're, you know Retarded Right Now, Corky Thatcher on Life Goes On Was he able to drive? He was able to act We know that that guy could read lines

And memorize them That's fascinating I think it probably is all All about down to the degree Of your disability In other words, how How retarded you are Well, I was looking for another way of saying it

But yes, how severe Your retardation is So if you're like super Retard Then you can't drive But if you're pretty put together You know I'm trying to think in my

Rolodex of retarded people I'm known if any of them could drive Again, you know, the guy in Life Goes On He was pretty Highly functioning He could memorize lines And do things like that I'm wondering if that guy can drive

I mean, some of them have jobs You know that We talked about this before And so Whether or not it would be Pleasurable to be retarded If you would know that you're retarded What?

That's horrible Why is it horrible? Is it genuine questions? Pleasurable to be retarded Well, maybe if they don't know They're retarded And they're just kind of living in a land Full of funyons

And candy corn There's no such thing as not knowing Then all they do is eat a lot of sweets They all know Stop saying they don't know They know They don't know what they're missing though By not being retarded

Um, alright Maybe to a degree Like they don't They don't know other pleasures Besides masturbating And eating too many sweets Ultimately, that's all you want That's what I'm saying too

I agree But there's other There's more refined things Like enjoying a film Reading a book You don't think I can watch films? Retarded? Yes

But they don't understand They're not going to watch The same white bummer movies That we watch Or you know Yeah Yeah You were watching a real bummer

The other day Oh my god It sucks Well, I was sick So what could I do And I got roped into 13 reasons Why the Hanna Baker Suicide Show

And they roped me in Because they played Joy Division On the first episode And I was like Oh, fuck, I love it I love depressing teenage shit That's my jam It's to me

I didn't watch the whole thing But I watched probably Half of one episode And then Half of another episode with you It just seemed like an after-school special Like the way that the Writing and the acting

Yeah, it's It was telling a story But it was like It was really Like, you know Kind of doing it for Kids, right? Prevention

Well, yeah I mean, the show is about teenage suicide And have a moral obligation To make it palatable, I think To that audience Yeah You know So when I walked in

I was like What are you watching? Like a fucking after-school show? That's interesting that You're like What are you watching? This is depressing Where your favorite stuff is like

And she came home And found her husband murdered And there was blood everywhere Becky was terrified Little did she know The murderer was still in the house What the hell is that? That's your show that you watch

What show? That's what I hear As I'm falling asleep at night It's all your murder Whatever murder shows you like It's always about like Re-enacting Or the

They haven't found the killer yet Which is even more terrifying for me Are you talking about What I mean, some of those are reality Like those are Yeah Crime reality Yeah, you love that stuff

Like the real depressing Like I watch fakes Suicide Like fake murder But your jam is like I like real killing Like real human suffering You know

That's true Real hardship I started the new Fargo Yeah, you did I fell asleep so fast during that I gotta tell you I don't have as much of a hard on For that show as you do

God Maybe it's the middle You relate a lot to that place Because you lived in the In Minneapolis Yeah, it's your It's your tribe I'm telling you

I really feel like When you break down the whole thing The writing The storytelling The cinematography The directing And the acting I don't think I've seen a better show

In ten years plus than Fargo I think it's the best show What about the Great British Baking Show I mean, it has drama Stakes, cinematography That is a roof off Christmas Marry, Barry We finished it

We did finish it No, wait How was the fart go? How was the first episode? It's fucking awesome Should we have better call Saul, dude? We haven't even fucking seen that The new new

Yeah Season three just started Americans, can I tell you something I'm watching the Americans I'm not dazzled this season The Americans has maybe turned a corner Yeah, it's not First of all, last season

We had so many compelling stories But they did on this On the episode that I just will finish The one you started to fall asleep on They did just hit a holy shit moment A good storyline But I feel like they kind of dropped A lot of the storylines from last season

Like Paige putting them in jeopardy By talking to that asshole pastor And her fucking the neighbor boy And it was like I didn't like that they never killed that guy I know they should have killed Pastor Tim Yeah Fuck him

Doesn't make sense It makes sense that they would give the diplomacy a shot But then that should have failed And they should have fucking killed him I agree, because like he's going to keep the secret Yeah, it's much more intriguing to have that happen Now, I was very excited to see the outcome Of season three, spoiler alert

If you're watching on Netflix Yeah Of the victor was Nadia Yeah And you and I were rooting for Tamal and Nadia We were The two outliers Yeah

Both young, both Muslim bakers She wears her full hijab Her headdress Makes her look very different than everybody else But I liked her because she was an outsider And I liked that she's like a housewife And the best part is the bummed out husband When they did her package, like her interview

And the husband was like We've all been missing Nadia She's been doing this biking show And I've had to do everything for the children You can really see that he's like I respect her a lot more now No, she has to come home And stop baking on your bullshit show

But also he's like I didn't realize what she did He was like I don't realize how much shit she does It's crazy Yeah He was more upset that she wasn't Still cooking and cleaning at home

It was nice to see that she won Yeah And it really meant a lot to her That's the thing that I took away from her She cared so fucking much about that I didn't think I could do it And then I did Do it again

She goes, oh, I didn't think that I could do it And then I found that I could do it And now I say to myself I can do anything She speaks with a 100% British accent Yeah But I did British So I was British Pakistani

Yeah, you had a little bunjab in there Okay, she's from Bangladesh Yeah You know what you're hearing is bang-bang-ladesh-y Hmm I was throwing it in there But see, she's She doesn't really have a bang-ladesh-y accent

Yeah, she does a little bit Hmm Well, you do her then Do her Vic her speech Hi, hi I just want to win this with chocolate There you go That's not how she sounds

I think so That's how Mary Berry sounds More You're doing Mary Chocolate Do Paul Hollywood He does I don't like it

I don't like it I don't like it, mate I don't like it No, he goes I don't like it I'm not tasting the rhubarb I'm not tasting the almond If you're going to put pineapple in it

I'd like to taste the flavours I like your layers Nice bake It's under bake I'm not getting flavour And the coconut wiped out everything Too much moisture in the bake I love when they say

He's gone I'm going to host that show Yeah, he went to Channel 4 To do like a rival show Yeah, yeah, big controversy And you see, you know Yeah We'll see what happens

Paul Hollywood I really hope there are more seasons That we get to see Because I'm just It's such a great show It is a great show Now we started watching The zombie show

That everybody's fucking was in love with We're good at this We're good at a show becoming a hit Like a really big smash hit And we go so And then six years later We're like I'll check it out

Okay, I see what you're saying So we just started The Walking Dead Yeah, and it's fantastic We're like Yeah, I guess people had a point Those 12 million or so people That said to watch it had a point

Now here's the problem with the show Is that we like to watch before bedtime And I find that it stresses me out It is a stressful show Can I say my least favorite genre Is like we have to keep running From the evil thing Because I have nightmares

About running And I don't like that And also those evil running And chasing things I hate chasing Shows usually end on a cliffhanger So they end with like Wait till next week

Yeah You're like And then you feel like starting the next one And that's what the whole fucking thing Is going to be Is them running for the next 10 years This show is years and years in now Right, so what

They've built like a human land Like on the matrix In the center of the earth We don't know We're total newbies now Oh man We're fucking two episodes in What can possibly happen

They have to kill all those That show is so big That they started another show Where they talk about that show Right That airs regular Like it's called like After or Beyond

Talking Dead Yeah, something like that And then it has I think it doesn't Hardwick Coast at Yeah Yeah, it's first Hardwick show Jesus Christ And they're just talking about

Another show And then the network's like That air us talking about that show It's bananas Yeah Well, we have to stick to it I guess If I watch it early in the evening

Maybe I can do it I wish there were more movies I like movies Because my heart pounds so much When I watch that zombie show Yeah I get really emotional Like you guys have to run

You have to keep going Like I hate it But yeah I agree The movie selection are fucking crap shit Yeah When is fucking John dipped my wick dick too

Coming out You know, we bought it We bought dip my dick in the wick too Yeah And I remember it said April I don't know I can't wait to see that one I'm excited for that one

That's a good one Dip my wick in my dick, cum Um, we asked you And we'll continue to ask you To write reviews on iTunes Because it's what's fair And we deserve it Here's one that somebody sent into us

What, what, what, what's this? Um, it said Mommies, I thought you would appreciate My review Here's what he wrote Calling all cum dogs And ugly suck pigs Your mom's house podcast is here for you

Have you ever wondered If there's any cum in those balls? Ever wanted to fluid bond with Jesse? Yes Ever wished a mentally ill girl Could talk to Hitler? As a child Did you make your own poop pile

For the neighbors to admire? Do you have big old mushy purples? What about sloppers, meat hangers, tits for days? Do you have dick for days? Do you find cops to be all bald and shit? When you're Puerto Rican, you are just Puerto Rican Uh, excuse me, when you're Puerto Rican Are you just Puerto Rican?

Are you dirty and disgusting? Do you find yourself farting on all the haters? How do you feel about LinkedIn? What's with the jeans? Do you often instruct strangers to kiss your pussy? Have you on occasion bellowed bikes In the presence of strangers? Do you ever wonder which Braxton you are?

If you answered no to any of these I don't give a shit Listen to your mommies and you'll find That you've been the water champ all along Stay thirsty cum dogs, Ryan So Ryan wrote that Ryan, that review made me want to listen to our show Yeah, that was really good

Me too, I was like, I'm intrigued I like all these subjects Good job Check this out Have you seen this? This is, um, this came in With regard to our discussion last week About taking a pilot's license off the table

Oh, for fuck's sake, here we go Dear Mr. Tom Segura, my name is Barry Brown From the law office of Brown and Yellow Family Law Attorney I am Christina Pazinski's official negotiation representative This letter is in regards to the negotiation Of ceasing and desisting from acquiring a pilot license We would like to officially reject Your first offer of one blowjob per week

For the sum of three years This would equate to 156 blowjobs To be delivered over a sum of 1,095 days This amount of fallatio is extremely unreasonable We consulted a professional on April 20th Dr. Throatzilla, she deemed this activity To be excessive and dangerous for an amateur And only to be attempted by a professional sex worker

My client and I would like to present a counter offer To be paid over the sum of three years 50 blowjobs to completion These blowjobs will be accompanied by verbal stimulation With such sayings as, where's the cum? Do you have any cum in those balls? Five of these said blowjobs will be Wake you up in the morning, BJs

50 handjobs to completion With a lubricant of your choice And as a bonus On Tom Segura's birthday in the third year of the agreement Christina participates in pup play This will include fitting Tom for a tail And a walk around the neighborhood on a leash In parentheses, nothing sexual

You feel this is more than generous We'd like to remind you that your relationships are about compromise And look forward to finding a resolution The two parties can agree upon it sincerely Barry Brown from Brown and Yellow Family Law I love the name of the firm I didn't know you retained counsel I did retain

Yeah, he's working on retainer It's, you know what, we sat down long And we came up with these I hope you're okay with these terms Well, you'll be hearing from my attorney Fair is fair This was also very surprising to me We had that pretty impromptu

But in detail conversation with each other And then with my dad And with Charo about folding or scrunching paper Yeah, I mean, it's a no brainer in our world Guess what I found out from my mother And they called me Little Jane went home She's a scruncher

No Yes No My mom called me, she goes, you would not believe this No And she said she No Poked in, you know, Jane's on the can

And then she's like, she uses a mountain paper No Like just tons of it No And she's a scruncher You know, I don't have a... It's not a moral thing It's not a waste or a thing

It's about scrunching versus folding I don't care about the environment My problem is it's not practical Because the poo can touch your fingers If it's scrunched Yellow, brown, all over your fingers But guess what? Yeah

This is apparently a worldwide discussion You're kidding Have you seen this? You mean we started a worldwide debate? There'll be square Scrunch The fabulous fold Scrunch like me

Number three Folder by lover I'm all scruncher He who folds wins It's got to be scrunchy We are a nation divided Some scrunch, others fold Isn't that crazy?

What country is that? Obviously, that's fucking the UK You just looked in the title What country is that? How many could it be? Because it could be Aussie, it could be Kiwi Because that was a playful UK accent It wasn't a strict royal British accent

I mean you as the quote master Of all people should know Of course I know But it's in there They're usually uptight I thought for sure Australia Because you know they're kind of more fun About stuff like that

But you could tell that accent wasn't Australian I don't know, like I said it was very playful Very playful Fuck, you live there and you don't even know No, no clue It's hard And then you got your Welsh, you got your Yorkshire Good Yorkshire last accent

By the way, just keeping it going Ireland I'm soliciting for the benefit of our show To your mom's house Nice We want you to write reviews on iTunes It is a benefit to this show We want it

I'm asking you to write a review And... We're running the industry now So stupid We'll keep running the industry Fucking retarded Can I tell you the thought that I had while I was sick Sure

Now I, first of all I just want to share this that So I was sick for like fucking 14 days I wasn't getting any better Yeah, you got really That was weird It was gnarly And then one morning I woke up

And I blew my nose And it was like fluorescent yellow It was like a highlighter marker, dude In 40 years of existence I wanted to show you so bad It was one of those things I was so proud of And I panicked and went to the doctor immediately But in the interim of like having this cold

I was picking my nose an awful lot And it was like almost to a point where Like I knew something was wrong Like I was definitely, it was becoming too much of a habit And then I saw it to myself like Am I going to stretch out my nostrils forever? You asked that, right? I googled it

Because my text to my friend And she was like, oh my god, dude I've been picking my nose a lot too Because of allergies And I'm wondering if I'm going to permanently Stretch out my nostrils And my dad told me when I was a kid that He's like, don't pick your nose so much

You're going to widen the nostrils Yeah And what did you find? I was like, you're going to look like your uncle Steve Because he used to pick his nose You had big nostrils? That's what my dad said Because my uncle picked his nose a lot

His nostrils became bigger And you know, you hear something in your formative years And you believe it Yeah So I googled it and it said no It's not possible You'd have to be doing it like all day Every day to make an impact now

See, I could see I disagree I mean, I feel like you Look at my nostrils now Aren't they enormous? Yeah I think pregnancy made them bigger Because your cooch can get bigger

Your cooch You can gauge your ear lobes, right? Right People stretch out ear lobes Why can't your nostrils get bigger? That's what I'm saying That's what I'm saying Who has bigger nostrils?

You or me? I have enormous nostrils Yours are big and hairy But I feel like mine grew in the last I'm serious, since I got preggers My nose grew Yeah And I feel like my nostrils

Look how big they are Yeah, yours kind of look like You look like what Looks like you have a prosthetic nose Really? Yeah, it looks like it's so, you know Like Steve Martin in that movie Yeah

What is that movie? Rapunzel Rapunzel Rapunzel Yeah It's just like yours is so big No, yours is big and uneven It looks like the right nostril

Is twice as large as the left Well, actually everyone's nostrils Are different size No, my face is perfectly symmetrical No I'm the symmetrical champion I don't know about that Yeah, my body, everything's symmetry

I'm like a model, I'm perfect No, do you know that One of my legs is significantly shorter Than the other You told me that My right leg is about an inch or more Shorter Yeah

And I went to the chiropractor Are you going to get one of those Handicap placards for the car now? It sounds like you deserve it I wish God, do you think I can? Does this qualify me? I hope so

It's about time Yeah I wonder if retarded people need retarded placards To let everybody know Jesus Wait, so you agree with me That picking your nose a lot Definitely

I feel like if you do it enough Yeah I mean, I guess it also depends On the size of the finger I mean, you shove a big dong A bunch of big old dong in your cooch You can stretch it out Why can't you shove a big of finger

In your nostril and stretch it out? Well, here's the difference, Tom And I like your reasoning I like your train of thought Yeah The vagina, however, is a muscle And can go back to it Some kind of

But they can get looser They can get looser Like poundings, yeah Yeah Multiple poundings all day Every day But this isn't a nostril This is cartilage and skin

Yeah I just... Again, the earlobes Seems to be more... Most similar to this Yeah If you're a doctor Can you write and let us know

If I've made my nostrils bigger By picking And if pregnancy can, in fact Make your nostrils bigger I feel like it... I feel like it's... Yes Yeah

Hey, it's just intuitive Of course Of course It's one of life's biggest questions It feels like it should be an easy answer And I think that answer is yes This is kind of a dad-boner thing Where I kind of...

I gotta tell you This is one of the first dad-boner clips Where I feel like I align with this person Really? Yeah, I feel like I agree Look at that Look at that Look at the shininess of that

It's a nail clipper Isn't that amazing? Isn't that staggering? What a feat of engineering It is Yeah And it's only 85p 85p

Hell yeah, dude That is, um, staggering Staggering He's holding up If you're listening He's holding up nail clippers But I feel like I've had this... That type of thought before

About things like that And maybe even nail clippers themselves Where you're like This is an incredible tool That is mass-produced That we would have no idea how to Do this without that And none of us could build one of those

Dude How can we make it so cheap? Get a shininess of that metal Look at the engineering I know I agree The inclined plane It's amazing

Oh, shit He's so excited That's a start in a day You're saying go and make one of them Be there for a week I know For a month I know

Making it as good as that I know That's a metaphor for life That's what's up It's amazing It's staggering It knows no bounds But it's cheap

Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap Cheap like chicken Cheap like fucking chicken Oh Oh

Oh Doesn't it blow you away? Look at that 85B That's what life is worth That's what fucking life is worth Look at it Look at it

Yeah Look at it It's the first time a dad boner I've nodded a long time I agree I love his enthusiasm I share his enthusiasm for that That was rad

I mean, what other things are there where you're like Holy fucking shit A fucking ballpoint pen, bro That was my first thought when I was thinking What else? Is that like You take pens for granted And they're amazing

Paper clips Some motherfucker was like Let's make this shit thin And then do that like that And now I can hold fucking papers together What about a stapler? Stapler, scotch tape A maze

Hairbrush A maze Like everything we use A maze Band-aids So that your boo-boos don't get infected That's right Toothbrushes

How low Everything But that That is a feat of human engineering for sure I mean, he's right If someone was like Hey, build a nail cutter Go figure it out

No fucking idea And it looks simple That's why it's deceptive Remember on The Great British Baking Show Because everything leads back there When they're like Make a pretzel Yeah

And that's something you see A hundred times in a mall Right? Because we're there like I couldn't recreate the shape of a pretzel I don't know exactly how But you see it so often You get like some version of it

Be like Doesn't look right Right, it's like the thing you take for granted All the time It looks so simple, but it's not Coffee I want a coffee right now I know

You drink a lot of coffee Does your pee smell all the time? Like it does Because one time you peed in the shower with me And it smelled like someone I'll be honest though Back then I was probably drinking too much coffee And I focus on the counterbalance more now

You balance it out more Yeah, you have to rehydrate After you dehydrate Oh, you nasty Oh I love this guy I love him Yeah, he's right

I love it I had the horrible misfortune Of all the millions of times I've dropped my iPhone Yeah And I do it a lot I can't believe it Go ahead

That it finally shattered I broke the screen on my iPhone And you know when you do it at first Like there's a moment of disbelief Like it took me about a week To come to terms with the fact That I broke it, you know Like to just

It was like the stages of grief Like I have to do something You know why I had the stages of grief The Kubler-Ross thing Because I don't want to go to the fucking Apple store Like that's my nightmare Is making the fucking appointment

Showing up and then The search for who works here And then just making eye contact Hoping that that person's an employee With a ponytail And then just go stand over there That's my favorite I know

Just stand over there You said that by the way Fuck you The lack of structure God damn it Is what is upsetting At the Apple store It gives me so much anxiety

We're not a regular store We have our own thing going on here No, no, no Give me the regular store Let me stand in line Yeah, am I next? Yeah And let me know where I am in line

How much time I have What kind of ice go to that table? Fuck you, yeah And I'll tell you what else Irritated the shit out of me So when I had that audio trouble with this one I was also having audio trouble with my other one So I go, I'm gonna bring both

When I pick up the one that's fixed This one I go, can you take a look At this other one? Mm-mm You gotta make another appointment Why? At that table and sit there

I'm like, you're right here Can't you just Can I just leave it with you? It's fucked up Just fix it The way you fix this one Mm-mm Because that's outside of the wacky way we do

We don't do things traditionally We don't do things the way That would make sense to do them No, I like tradition, guys Let me know where to go And where to stand in line And then the worst is when you activate a device I activated my mom watch

Yeah And then you're Go stand at that table And then it's one employee And then five old people like me Like, I don't know how to put in my password Oh, man And then she has to divvy up her time

Between the five Of course, poor girl Old people Yeah Some poor millennial has to help you figure it all out And then the guy's like God damn it She goes, I've been there sitting next to the guy

Since she goes, and then you know your password? No You don't know your password? No Hi My granddaughter's name's Brandy And then they're like, okay, let's try that And then I saw this old lady who had the tiniest iPhone

There ever was Like the first one You know, it's like just an inch of this And she's like, but I wanted to work again Like she was some foreign lady And the guy was like, oh, yeah, no Your motherboard is fried You need to buy a whole new phone

And she's like, but you can't make this one work Like, please, please make the one work that I have Like she couldn't come to Jesus on it Like, please don't make me spend $800 Please Please Just let me have my old ass phone, make it work, please And that's all you're thinking when you go in there

Just please make this, make my life right again Please fix this for me Yeah, just make my life okay No, no, I can't Oh, by the way, I wanted to mention this So I was, when I, a few weeks ago Maybe at this point a month or so ago I had these shows coming up that were for Seattle and Portland

So I reached out to this great artist in Philadelphia Paul Greenies, and I go I go, hey, do you want to do a poster? We've worked together before on other posters And he said, yeah, like he goes, any ideas Because he always says, like, is there anything you want to incorporate? And at the time I remember that Everybody has been mentioning that whenever I put up

Photos to promote my shows They're all pre-weight loss So they're all like, man, none of your pictures look like you Yeah, and like, you know So I just mentioned, I go Well, you know, I haven't had anything that reflects my weight loss Like just nothing so far Everything has been like photos that were taken before

That's all I gave him And then he made this I love it, I love it And so it's me with binoculars So I'm glassing and I look like I'm 130 pounds It's gaunt Anyways, it's a beautiful poster I had some left over

You're the mom's sheenest From, yeah, I look like the machine From that tour It's screen printed It's super high quality paper And I signed a whole batch of them So if you want them, they're in our store Right now

It's a great poster He really did amazing stuff And there's a bunch of, let me see if this is There's some other things that are in there But check it out, there's a bunch of things But that poster is brand new And the Stanema shirt, don't forget that one And jean, I tell you that sweatshirt

The jean sweatshirt is my favorite thing ever It's beautiful It's always in the hamper I wear it so frequently Yeah It's my favorite It's pretty fucking awesome A lot of people have been getting

Stanema The Stanema shirt The problem with Stanema is that now That's how I say that word It's 100 I've been in conversations Words about to come out naturally Like I'm not thinking about our show

And I'll be like, you know, you kind of got to wonder If you have the, you know, the Wherewithal Right To do it I'll stop and I'll be like, I'm not sure I can't, I'm not sure yet Well, now I have to go

I say the word Stanema in my head And then I go, Stanema, oh it's stamina I have to reverse it I have sent in, like one guy sent in a video Of him at the gym He's like, I'm going to kill this lift I have the Stanema And you know that people in the gym

I think our shirt is all fucking wrong That's the best Well look, since we're here Might as well do this right now too, right? So You got some big stuff coming up, James I do, man I'm gearing up to shoot my first hour

And I'm so fucking stoked Come see me and see the hour That's going to be immortalized forever I'm going to go to Sacramento this weekend April 28th and 29th Sacramento punchline May 4th and 5th, Phoenix, Arizona Fartnix at Stand Up Rive

May 19th through 20th Jewdork titties at Gotham Come On You Club June 1st through 3rd Denver Come Works Dongver Dongver, the downtown location And then Manfred Disco at the punchline June 16th and June 17th

And I'm just, I'm okay I'll hold off on the actual Yeah, you gotta wait Press pause on that I'm not going to blow my load now And that's that Tickets at thousand ranch dot com Spelled out thousand ranch dot com

Thank you My sexy summer tour has just started I'm so dumb I know Here's where I'm coming June 9th, Tuxin, Arizona The reality theater June 10th, Reen Ho

Ho, Reno What is that? What's Reno? Green Ho Green Ho, Nevada June 11th, I'm at the Pachanga Casino In Temecula, Temecumla, California That's it for June July 11th, I start

A little bit of a Southern run I do Richmond, Virginia Then July 12th, Virginia Beach, Virginia Then July 13th, Greensboro, North Come and Alina And July 14th, Asheville At Harry Asheville And then July 15th

That whole week's in the south It ends at a big show In Charleston, South Carolina That should be a lot of fun In that month, the 27th I'm in Hampton Beach, Tampon Beach, New Hampshire 28th, Wilmington Dickelware

And July 29th In Baltimore, Hoors, Maryland The city that reads Of course you know I'm going to Mumstrelia, Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne And Perth How fun And then the final episode of summer

Is we are doing the podcast live In Breast Falls Beach At the Improv, that's West Palm Beach, Florida I'm calling you out Indian River County Port St. Lucy Stewart Okeechobee

Palm Beach Gardens Broward County Dade County All of you Cocoa Beach Sure Right near there Nope

Jupiter Yeah, I mean it's close enough If you're in any of those areas Melbourne Make the drive And it's going to be a fun, fun night We're going to do the podcast live in Florida So it's not often that we get to travel that far

And do the show No But we're doing it That'll be fun Indian River County I forgot it was called that dude Yeah Florida's so fucking weird, man

I mean from the minute you get off the plane I love Florida by the way It's not LA I mean, you know, nowhere besides But I do like if I enjoy it Yeah It's so weird I'm so happy just hearing about it

Yeah, I like Florida, man I like the weather I like the people It's like a swampy and spooky You're so happy Weird That I Oh, shit

You want to change that Robert Bruce Thompson This is the Home Scientist video series This segment continues our look at chemicals on the cheap Sulfuric acid is essential in a home lab Both as a reagent And as a precursor For synthesizing other chemicals

Until recently I recommended battery acid as a good source Battery acid is about 35% concentration And relatively pure And it was cheap What? A few years ago Five gallon jugs sold for $15 or $20

And gallon jugs were only $6 or so Is this almost over? Well recently He rounds a lot of art stores And found a price at skyrocketed To about $15 or $4 Can I tell you what makes it extra boring? Him?

His face? Yeah, the fact that he hasn't moved a muscle And he hasn't blinked the entire time How do you stay that still? Yeah Just dead eyes Goggles over his eyes Yeah

God, looks like Candy Rogers I bet he's done some fucked up shit That's what I feel like I think he molests children too Jesus, I wasn't going that far I think he molests retarded children That's creepy What is wrong with you?

He looks creepy And we're going to get emails like Hey, that's Rob the chemical gun Yeah, I know And someone's going to be like That's my dad, you asshole Well, your dad's creepy as fuck Oh, Jesus

Scissors, another amazing adventure Scissors are incredible You'll notice I'm wearing very heavy rubber gloves Yeah, you should It's sulfuric acid Even I know it God, his voice is so monotone By an acid reaction

It's also an extremely strong dehydrating agent So it literally sucks the water out of your skin And charge it Wow So don't mess around Is this in Fight Club? With concentrated sulfuric acid There you go

I think that's what happened in Fight Club Don't concentrate on sulfuric acid Yeah, he pours it on Tyler Durden's hand Tyler pours it on Jim Norton's hand Is that what they do? Jim Norton, you mean Ed Norton? What's wrong with you? I do that all the time with people

And then we heard Jimmy Dean Stanton Yeah On the radio the other day Oh, yeah The sausage Jimmy Dean Morgan sausage Jeffrey Jim Dean Morgan's

Jimmy Dean Sausage That's who it is Jimmy Dean Sausage Jeffrey Dean Sausage Morgan's Sausage I have some would you rather Come on, man Are you there? Really?

You want to do a would you rather? What? Do you have something else to do? No, go ahead, go ahead Drink the top layer It's time to play real sexual predator It's time to play chunky It's time to play just naughty filled toilet paper

The urine from two dirty homeless men It's time to play my butt with your mucus Homeless jar of beer I've been of sex with your sister Take it in the face Then understrikes The grandmother walks in on you masturbating Never have another orgasm

It's time to play with you rather It's time to play with you rather It's time to play with you rather You carry ready? Yeah Okay, would you rather Every time you see somebody And this could be like you're walking the dogs

Which never happens But you're out with a kid And just a neighbor passes by you And every time you see another human being And they get within your shot You rip a loud fart Like one of your morning farts Like you fucking blasted, okay?

Or every time you see Ellis You get so excited that you vomit Yeah, that's what you do Okay Or every time you see Ellis You get so excited that you vomit all over yourself I don't even see how you have the nerve To pitch something like that

Being that you have such a ridiculous phobia For even that concept I mean you get so Yeah, I know, but that's why it's called Woodruff's Game, Babe's Game It's not reality, rather No, I'm not listening to this I'm not listening

You're playing the game They're losing chingles now Not listening You're so happy that you're able to take them off I took them off Lies and lies I closed it No, I'm not

I know you lie I promise you I'm not So either I fart with an earshot Anytime I see anyone So you're at the airport So every new person Checking in Welcome to the planet

Whenever I see my son, I vomit Yeah, you get so excited that you eventually vomit on yourself No Fart I would eventually learn to deal with that Like the embarrassment would become second nature You know, it's like somebody has like a fucking goiter on their neck And it's like, oh my god

But after they have that for like a year They're like, yeah, I got this fucking thing on my neck You know, I'm like, people look at it It's embarrassing, I don't care anymore That's how those farts would be And on the positive side You know, every time you come out on stage You rip a huge fart

Into the mic Right, and it's Tom Segura Farting comedian Farting comedian And it becomes a hook Plus chicks You know, chicks would be like, this guy's pretty fucking cool Women love farting guys

Yeah, like the guys that fart openers Now, I don't have to keep farting, right? So I can, you know And now, you don't keep farting, but every time you see somebody Here's what I have a question about that Sure Because you said it like every new person So at a show, do I fart like a thousand times?

Well, yes, now that I think about it Every time you look at somebody, so you got to pick like five people to look at I have to be like, hey, make the showroom pitch black I don't want to see anybody That's your work ground Of course I'm farting What are you doing? Is it even worth asking this?

But then every time our nanny comes in She get used to it She'll be like, yeah, he's a nice guy We go to the playground with Ellis And you see another parent, you fart I mean, it's going to ruin your life That's great Did you come up with that?

No, wait, you have to answer it though What's yours? Well, obviously, farting because of my severe phobia of vomiting God damn A little severe metaphobia I'll balance this with yours Go ahead With listener ones

Okay So people have been submitting them as well Okay So then we'll go back and forth Somebody writes, would you rather read The entire iTunes update agreement from top to bottom Every word, no skimming It's so funny, oh my God

Or listen to Frank Sinatra and Garth Brooks One after another for the amount of time It would take you to read the iTunes agreement Nolan from Winnipeg, Manitoba You know, I'm one of those people who might find it interesting To try and understand the iTunes agreement What? I get very angry at auditory assaults

Like that, it would enrage me to listen to Garth And then you throw in UB40 and I would just be like How long do you think it takes to read the iTunes agreement? I mean, it's possible You have to scroll when it's on your phone Do I have to understand it? You don't have to understand it, but you have to read every word I'm a quick reader, I'm not like you

I don't have to sound everything out and move my lips when I read To myself It might take ten minutes, it's fine I went to law school for two weeks, don't forget That's like reading an iTunes agreement every fucking day See, the iTunes agreement just upsets me The whole thing, the idea of reading it upsets me Yeah

Yeah, it's all like legal jargon Yeah, and I was a paralegal, so it doesn't bother me Please, please Like you have any qualifications for that stuff No, I don't, but I was an immigration paralegal And so what, it still intrigues you? It doesn't intrigue me, but I mean, I've read boring stuff Yeah, no

So, 100% I would listen to Garth and Frank For that amount of time Not much of a reader, huh? Yeah, well, not reading fucking iTunes agreements I believe you're signing up for that I'd do it for fun right now You read the iTunes agreement No, just pull it up, I'll take a look

I'll let you know what it says God Okay, right? Yeah Okay, would you rather, every time you leave the grocery store Are you listening to me or are you paying attention? Yeah Every time you leave the grocery store

Okay And someone's pitching some nonsense You have to stop and fully give them your presence And listen to the whole The other one Save the children Save the bees, save the tsunami, whatever The other thing

And then you have to donate the money Oh my God What's wrong with you? This is so good You have to do this for the rest of your life Every time Every time They're out here everywhere

Everywhere, I know Trader Joe's Trader Joe, sorry, Trader Joe You gotta go to Whole Foods And you gotta listen to the whole spiel And then you have to do whatever it is they want you to do Every, so there's no hurrying out of the grocery store Is what I'm saying Can I tell you that lately, by the way

I've noticed that I must be giving off a Do not even think about fucking with me Don't fuck with me, yeah Because I've noticed them skipping me a lot Yeah Like I walk out Good And there'll be two of them

And they'll be like, let's go talk to another person Not this guy Well, your beard makes you look angry and menacing And you probably just look angry Yeah Yeah, you're not Like I've told you this before You're not fun

You're not engaging You're not friendly You're not social That's what a personality champ is Other people see me You're so full of shit And they approach me They want to talk to me

They want to hug me No I'm very huggable, kissable Enjoyable as a human Okay You know that that's not true about you That's so true I'm so much more

You know that that's not true about you I'm so much more Between the two of us Likeable, huggable Everybody would rather spend time with me It's not true, babe That's not true Oh my god

I'm talking about like in the comedy club world Never They're always like Never How's that fucking Does Tom hate me? No, you don't Tom doesn't hate you

He hates everybody Okay So it's either this For the rest of your life Every time you go to the grocery store You have to do that It's a really good By the way, a really good one

Thank you Or once a week You have to go to the Apple store To either have something repaired Or to buy something But without an appointment Oh my god Once a week

Or every time you go to the grocery Well, they're both robbing you of time Yeah, that's the whole point Yeah, they're both robbing you And aggravating And they're going to They're going to wear on your last nerve And it's a hassle

I'm trying to think which one Would I rather do It's horrible That's an excellent would you rather Thank you Because you're They're both equally undesirable They're horrible

I think I might end up Murdering a parking lot petitioner I mean at least in the Apple store I'm acquiring A toy You know Like in the grocery store

I'm acquiring a necessity You know You have to have food And things for the house like that But it's a toy So maybe I can look at the toy reward As like that's the payoff here I'm going to get some cool gadget here pretty soon

And every once in a while I'll land in there when there isn't A crazy three hour line to do something Right And here's your workaround too You could You can game the system Find out when the low traffic times are

Right Maybe it's right when the store opens At 9 a.m. at the mall So yeah My problem with the parking lot petitioners Is that I feel like they work from this They like to It's a worse job

They come from a guilt place Yeah So it begins with Yes Sometimes they'll say like Yes I'll be walking in my car And they'll say

Do you know that there's 300,000 kids in Los Angeles They don't have a place to sleep tonight And I'm like No Yeah Wouldn't you like To be able to do something about that

No No Well now you can So they're just like They're just guilting you They're not like Sharing information with you Of course

To try to make you feel bad Of course It's all manipulation You want to donate a dollar To save the teachers Now I give money to teachers I do But I feel like saving children

Like dude I'm saving my kid right now I'm wrapped up in a toddler Yeah I've got this one It's a full-time job Yeah I'm taking care of my children

Okay Someone else submitted one Wait Oh yeah What did you choose I told you Apple 100% man

Apple I have to say that I don't enjoy the Here's what I hate so much about The Apple Store I don't like the mall Driving to the mall Parking at the mall

And dealing with it I would rather do The parking lot Solicitor Fuck that Yeah I don't like them Because I'd make friends

And because I'm friendly with everybody Oh my God Because I'm such a good person And No I'd make it fun You should We should talk to people

Who've met both of us And And fold them aside And do interviews Well we just see like Who really Really who they think has A better personality

Can I tell you Why I mean it's obvious It's me Because I I actually don't believe That you believe that No

People are You have a much More cold No Yes You have a much more cold Much more cut off Much less engaging

And warm personality You know it You're always like Tommy you go talk to them Not because You're a better personality But because sometimes I don't want to deal with that person

No Because you're just You're more of a curmudgeon You're more like a recluse That you know You kind of You Oh I'm a loner

For sure yeah I don't I don't enjoy a lot of people's Company So was Ted Bundy I mean You have that same kind Of persona

And the alone champ I definitely But I'm very selective Of who I spend my free time With I have a handful of friends 14 People don't like you in general

Though I would say That's not true I think But I think I make a great impression Like a cursory Sort of Surface friend

Absolutely Ask anybody at the comedy store Who do you like better Tom or Christina Not comedy wise Like who's funnier But who do you like as a person Who's a better personality

Hands down I'm going to win that No you're not going to win that Yeah Okay Keep going Okay Okay

Okay Okay would you rather Be skinny And eat whatever you want You can eat whatever you want And stay thin And not have to exercise Yeah

But you're poor You're going to stay poor For the rest of your life Or You're rich You can eat whatever the fuck you want You can exercise But you'll always stay fat

So you're fat But you've got like Stacks Like you're a multi-millionaire And you don't have to You don't have to work You can work when you want So it's skinny and poor

Or rich and fat And you can eat what you want In both scenarios I feel like for many people This is so easy And I think the only reason That I find it intriguing to me Is because even though I'm not skinny

I've recently lost some weight Yeah Well this one I designed Especially for you Right because you go This is your psyche You just You just started to

You know Lose some weight You're looking better You're feeling better And you know how good that feels Oh it's the best But Would you like to be

The best version Like the best version of that But you're poor Poor and you can't There's no hope Like you're And let's How poor am I?

Let's qualify Yeah okay I mean you're not talking about Like I can't pay bills And I can't do anything Right? I mean it's gotta be like

You're okay You're not bang ladeshi poor You're not living In a cardboard box And And defecating And shall I Put it in Los Angeles terms

Yeah Korea town 2008 Okay When we were living Like getting by You're getting by Getting by in the barrio But that's it

I mean you're You're locked in the Rampart division You're living in that apartment Jose's your landlord That's as high as It's ever gonna get

But you look amazing And you can Eat Anything you want You don't have to exercise And you stay skinny And healthy And that's the thing

You have all your health Or Or rich rich rich Yeah Stacking it But fat Fat as fuck How fat

That's the other thing Okay What's the heaviest You don't have to say the number But whatever your heaviest is Yeah That's what That's what it's gotta stay

That stays at That's where it stays Now Definitely Oh sorry Cause I have my answer Oh you do Yeah

100% rich 100% Why I mean I You know I remember being that fat It's not that bad I mean

People actually Honestly Until we invited Fat Shaming No one really gave me A hard time about it Like one person Every once in a while

Would say something On social media They'd be like You look fat in this pic I'm like alright It's not that bad So because I made the number

Something you've already Been Okay let's Then let's No I'm saying Even if you look I could have gotten In this scenario

I'm even fatter I would rather have the comforts And the perks Of that lifestyle Right And know I guess That I'm gonna die At any moment

But you have enough money To kind of do some I mean I can take medicine That's right And I can You've got the best access To medical care Now you're fat

You're not Manuel Uribe Oh come on Fat No no listen You're bad You're five bills No you did not say that No I know

This is a different scenario So we've done that We're changing scenarios No this is an additional question So that question's gone New scenario Okay Same stakes

But you're five hundred Definitely not I'm not doing that That's too much Yeah that's too much Who's five hundred? People on TLC On those shows

People that they're like Hey maybe in a week or two You'll die You don't do something Okay so hold on that's too fat You wanna know that's like For my height And frame

What would be like What would be punishing For you yeah I mean well Definitely the upper two hundred Three hundred Three hundred would be like Really heavy

Yeah yeah Okay For my frame For your frame Yeah you would be like Jesus man You really need to drop some weight How fat was like

Mama June Who? Okay you don't know how that is Dom Delewi's fat Oh yeah he's over three hundred Would you be Dom Delewi's fat I mean I wouldn't want to Okay what about

God you're still doing this Well cause I'm trying to I don't know men's weights Like I don't know what three hundred Pounds is on a man I can kind of guess on a woman I just don't know your weight Three hundred pounds would be

Who? Like my Okay picture my heaviest Another thirty something Thirty five pounds basically That doesn't seem like a lot to me Fucking hey really Thirty five more pounds on that

How fat was Ah the French Excellent Orson Welles I mean at that point He was probably He looked like he was over three hundred pounds Yeah

Okay your Orson Welles fat Jesus Go that's the level of fat At the end of his life Let's look at it Let's look at it Let's see what we have here Fat

Orson Cause you would take So what's the lure It's the money That you'd rather have money Is what you're saying You know I'd rather have The

The comfort and the security Of money That money would provide Yeah I mean keep in mind I've been Very broke And

And I I have no shame About having been that broke And I feel like Yeah That period taught me a lot About myself And about life

But I never want to go back To being that broke again That sucks I mean yeah that was terrible So But you could Be the best And you'll never

Age Shitty Like you'll You'll just be hot Fat Orson Welles Kind of looks like me Let's see Not at all

He's older Ah Holy shit Well now that That's his leg right there That's kind of It kind of looks like a gut Cause that picture's small

No I see that I'm trying to I mean He doesn't look good That's him thinner No that's Yeah that's definitely fat Yeah he's definitely fat there

I don't know Let's How about this though How fat is he You'd be fat and rich So here's the thing I mean yeah you could die anytime But you

Turn the camera And these commercials 102 take one How fat is he here Yeah he's He's real fat He doesn't do anything I remember

Chin out Actionless That drunk underbite Actionless please He doesn't do anything No he's a Sorry cat Yeah really

102 take two I mean Yeah this guy's He's gotta be like three bills So that's how fat you are Just so you know I would do that rich It'd be awesome

Cause the level of rich you're describing It sounds like it's so much fun You're just like Richard Branson Ballin out of control Some big fat rich guy So what Okay

It's fun Yeah I mean you start Driving it up Like you're saying I mean that's the thing Everyone has their Their limits for things

They're a thing If you go up to 500 I'll be like no But okay but here's the thing You're skinny Yeah And you can eat as much As you want

So you can I get the satisfaction Of all the food I want Without exercising But I'm poor So what But I've done it I've told you I've done it

It was a thing It was a phase Of food again But I know you love to Eat Imagine you could just Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat

Eat Eat Eat Eat Eat Okay, would you rather, every time you fart, it's a shark, or every time you burp, it's a burp. Every time you fart, it's a shark. Yeah.

Or every time you burp, it's a burp. Yeah. Hoof. Um, God. Yeah. That's a, that's really gross. I haven't burped in a long time since I was pregnant. Burping is the worst.

That's really gross. I feel like you, I burped a lot when I was a kid. Here's why I think you'd have to choose burping though. Okay. Because, okay, they're both gross. They're both uncomfortable. Sharding ruins that part of your day completely. Like you're going to have things you need to be doing that you're like, I have to, I

have shit in my ass cheeks right now. Whereas while the burping is disgusting, you can at least be like, however gross this is, I can still walk into this place right now. You know, I can spit on the sidewalk or whatever, but you got to change underwear, you know? When you start, it's fucked up time. The ruin takes up time. It does. Yeah.

Well, I like that. That's your concern is that it takes up time. Oh, dang. It's a lot of damn moments. But listen, but listen, here's why I choose shark because, um, You choose shark. Because you can prepare. You bring wipes and you bring panties with you on the road.

You pack yourself a diaper bag like we do for the kid. Basically, our kid sharts and you just wipe it up. Tell me y'all, he's nasty, you too. Nasty. Or I would wear adult diapers and that way, dude, that's how you do this. So you just wear adult diapers, you shart in the diaper and you wipe your ass with fucking moist towelette and then you're done, bro. You're just nasty.

He's just so nasty. You can hold in a fart and that way you wouldn't have to shart. But a berf, you can't. He's barf everywhere. That's all right. You just wipe and you're done. I hate berfs. You go back to kissing.

Fine. Hey, somebody sent in this clip. This is audio only of your favorite thing. Barfing. No, it's a pornographic film. But this one has a very funny line in it. Okay. Yeah, tell me what you think of this.

Yeah. Huh? You ready to be a single mother? Oh my God. Say you ready to be a single mother. I'm ready to be a single mother. Huh? Me and some mo-tees in that pussy round?

Yes. Huh? Say I'm ready to be a single mother. Say it. I'm ready to be a single mother. Say it. I'm ready to be a single mother. Say it.

I'm ready to be a single mother. Yes. You not gonna call my phone after this, right? No. I'm gonna block your number. You not gonna come to my crib, right? Right. Here we go.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Wow. That's pretty clever. As far as writing, I'm sure the writers spent some time on that. You know, I'm amazed that he could get out that dialogue as well as he did and the jack-o-lantern. Perform, yeah. That was really a lot of work on his part.

I mean, that's a strong performer. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. But I mean, you ready to be a single mother? That's a funny. It's pretty funny. It's very hard. You ready to be a single mother?

Yeah. I mean, anybody that's known a single mother, been a single mother. Yeah. Not easy. I wouldn't, I wouldn't take that ejaculation. Poof. I know. No thanks.

He's basically telling you never, ever. I get it. Yeah. Don't contact me. I heard it. It's pretty funny. Yeah. We got an email here.

I feel compelled to weigh in on your wiping style conversation from episode 392. Yeah. I believe that both bunching and folding have benefits and drawbacks. Okay. The bunch picks up more. But as you said, leaves you open to poopy knuckles if you aren't careful. The fold is more civilized and protects your knuckles, but has been known to require more wipes and is prone to punch through with a finger.

If you are thorough and a committed wiper such as myself, this is why I employ a hybrid strategy. I will take a length of paper, perhaps eight squares or so, fold it once, then bunch half, allowing the flap to form a tail like the train of a wedding dress. That way I enjoy the superior wiping power of the bunch while protecting my knuckles from collateral damage with the fold. I hope this helps. And if you choose to read my email on the show, that can, that I can change a life.

Stupid classy jeans, Zach from Texas. Now, Zach, there's some, I hear some flaws in your logic. Hey, how do we know that the folded wipe leads to more wipes than a bunched wipe? I don't know. I mean, we need to see some scientific evidence. Well, yeah, there's some empirical data to back up this claim. I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know that that's founded on anything. Check out this lunatic. I used to, uh, have a joke about this in my act and never made it onto like a special or anything, but I used to make fun of people that did this. What's up guys? So people have been asking me, Alex, how come in the recent training videos they've been posting, I see you wearing jeans.

I mean, I've never seen a fucking guy wear jeans in the gym before. So why are you the exception? Is there a benefit to wearing jeans? So I want to answer that question today. Why does Alex Malthus Destiny wear jeans? Well, I'll tell you why. It's because a long time ago, your man used to be a professional climber. And I'm not talking about one of those climbers that you go in a facility and you climb those

fucking rocks. No, I was a ghetto climber. I used to climb fucking buildings, legit buildings with my fucking fingertips, yo. And what happens is that if you wear shorts or track pads, they're going to rip. So for many, many, many years, all I did is I trained with jeans. I used to do wall runs with jeans. I used to do everything with jeans, flips with jeans, the whole fucking nine yards. And I know that sounds a bit unusual, but I don't think this is that uncommon in the

parkour slash climbing world. But if you gave me the choice, whether or not I could train with jeans or with track pads, I would choose jeans 100% of the time. Every fucking great. I love it. I can go ATG on a squat with jeans. I can get much tighter on a deadlift with jeans. It's like, it's almost similar to multiply, you know, you're having that extra thickness.

I think you look so crazy with gyms at the gym with jeans. Like I used to make, I used to have a joke about how, you know, like, what are you a fuck? I forget the joke, but I was like, are you a communist? Is it like a Romanian fucking infiltrator wearing? Cause you look like a lunatic. You look like it looks like an episode of the Americans, like the, the person just arrived and they're doing fitness and my tribe is the Hungarians.

I just think you're kind of low and loose when you say things like that. Given that we're in your mom's house, do you think you could have some fucking respect? Just so you know, I'm having Pilates pants made out of denim right now. No, you're not. Yes. I used to do everything with jeans. I don't like spandex. I want them to be denim.

We've both been doing pilots. I know. We both did. We made fitness today. Wish I never had to work out. My, this is the second time I've never had this happen. As I'm making fitness, my right tricep goes into a full cramp. It was so bizarre.

It's just, it's just one of those things I've never, I've had it happen twice. Cause you're not wearing denim. You should wear denim shirts and then we're just looking at it. It's going to like clamping up and releasing. You're not used to making fitness as hard as I do. Yeah. I think that's part of it. I'm also the fitness champ.

That's right. That's right. Um, all right. What, anything else? I have a filler up. Holy shit. That is big time. That is fucking.

Hi Fifo. Hi baby dog. Okay. Look at Bitsy dude. By the way, I wanted to announce that this Friday, we are releasing the Yoshi live podcast episode. So the late show in Irvine will come out this Friday for all you jeans out there. And sperm vine.

The sperm vine show with Yoshi will be out. Oh, by Yoshi. All right, fill her up. Jean, what do you got? We know it's been so long since we've done this show and I thought, you know, we've never really done a super mega celebrity edition. I thought, why not do the most famous people in the world? Okay.

The Kardashians. Wow. Why not? We know, and there's a whole new school now. So let's get into it. Okay. Fill her up, seal her shot. Let's start with the, with the ladies.

Okay. Is it Kim or Kylie? Wow. Cause those are kind of like the two, they're all famous, but those are the two probably most famous. Those are the two, the two hotties. Right. Well, they're, you know, Courtney and, uh, no, they're lesser Kardashians.

No, no, no, they're lesser Kardashian. They're not as hot as Kim and Kylie. Those are the secondary third dairy. Technically, she's a Jenner. Just so you know. Well, Kylie Jenner. That's what I'm saying. Well, you know, it's all the same clan.

You're right. But so Kim is like the two point, the two point O model and then Kylie's the two point four, whatever. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Is it 2009 or 2017? I mean, I'll tell you, I got a problem right away with like, she looks like, I like snakes.

I know, but she looks like a, like a little doll or something. You know, what do you mean? She looks too juvenile. Oh, she's too young. Yeah. Yeah. She is too young. She, it's, it's not that like, you know, I mean, this looks like a little kid.

Yeah. She's still pubescent is what you're saying. Now, is she, I don't know how old she is. So I'm, I'm assuming she's over 18 for the purposes of this important game. No, she's 19. Okay. So she's a teenager. Yeah.

All right. I don't remember my mind. I'll go back on that then. So, uh, You feel better now? Yeah. So it's basically, do you feel like teaching someone a few lessons or do you want, I guess, you know, the most famous post post in the world that has just

been beaten up left and right by monstrous black dogs. That she'll be like, so are we going to, are you going to come in me? And I'm like, I'm in there. And she's like, no, seriously. And I'm like, oh, really? And we've seen what she's capable of. If you've seen the Ray J video. Yeah.

Yeah. She's used to like some massive black dogs. Yeah. Now keep in mind, and let's throw this into the ring before you make your decision. And so is this one, by the way. She's into the black guys. Yeah.

But let's keep in mind that Kim's very insecure. Right. She's the type that you could really abuse. She's kind of a Karen in this situation. And I don't know what Kylie's emotional state is, but I know, I know for a fact that Kim's not as confident as we think she is. She's been a victim of a violent crime pretty recently, a year ago or so, or however, she's traumatized.

She's fragile. There's a lot of things you can get away with in a girl like that. That's really good coaching. Yeah. And I think ultimately she knows like, oh, don't neglect the balls. You know, like. Do you think Kim knows that? Yeah, because Kylie doesn't know that stuff yet.

She's 19. They'll be like, ooh, balls, theirs are gross. I'm like, no, no. You got to pay attention here. On the other hand, Kylie's young and dating rappers and those guys are like, bitch, put it all in your mouth. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Those guys are kind of savages, I'm assuming. Right. Like she doesn't even know that not swallowing is an option. Right. You know, because she's, is she dating Tyga? Was that?

I think there's a big scandal right now. Oh. I think he got photographed with that with another girl. Oh, well, see, I don't know Tyga, but I've seen him. Yeah. And I think he's, he looks like a savage sexually. Really? I'd assume he's covered in tattoos.

That's what does it for you? You think that means savage? Yeah. He's a rapper. Yeah. Tattooed rappers. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I know.

I mean, I don't think he's rapping about rainbows and fucking lollipops. But I don't think Kanye is like put my balls in your mouth all the time. Yeah. He seemed, he seemed a little more oddly enough, more normal when it come. You know what I mean? Like I would believe that. Right. I mean, I don't think he's a stable, normal guy, but I don't see him being like,

look, bitch underneath, I'm going to fart in your mouth. Right. Well, because he's done that before Kim. Right. That's, that's your baby mama. Right. You got to give her some respect. Right.

Right. Put some respect on my name. Put some respect on it. Yeah. Um, so there's a lot of variables here we're dealing with. Yeah. I still think you got to go with Kim. I do.

Old school. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's a better story. Yeah. Um, you know, I like, I like a good story. And, uh, I, I feel like it's legendary in there. Who knows what could happen? Maybe I could find one of those rings she lost in Paris or something.

You know, so I, I would go for that. I think that would be more fun. But she's got two babies that came out of there. That's cool. I like bitches with babies down with that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to go Kylie.

Yeah. Um, I think that's better for you. For me personally, I think it's better for you. I mean, she's kind of a dope. She's 19. And I could really traumatize her and, you know, she, oh, she wants to talk about it as like selfies and her new cosmetics line, whatever. I feel like we screwed up though.

Why? I feel like the other, the next most famous female gender is actually Caitlin. Well, let's go there. That's the next one. Well, that's a lady. Yeah. But the, not the way I frame it.

Okay. Let's go for the guys. Yeah. Old school Bruce Jenner. I'm talking in his prime. Cause I didn't think you'd want to bang a 70 year old woman. Okay. Like, did you really want to fuck Caitlin?

And you don't know what her downstairs thing is. Right. She's still as a dog. I think she still has a dog. So that kind of rules it out for you. I know. Right. Yeah.

Okay. So is it, it's old school, Bruce Jenner and his prime. I'm talking like eighties, athletic or Kanye. Oh, man, that is really tough. A lot of variables to deal with here. Yeah. Ego versus some guy who's like, I think I'm a woman inside, you know, that unconscious weird shit happening with him.

I mean, look at this guy. Look at those muscles. Look at that. Damn. He was the fucking man. Damn. Brucey. Yeah.

Well, that's a really tough one. He's got a good, good woman because physically I don't really care. I feel like it's the mental instability and I think they're both have a good bit of that instability, but maybe it's just that like with Bruce, the only thing is like, you know, he wants to do this thing and he's kind of trying to come to terms with it, but you wouldn't know that at the time. Right. You wouldn't know that he might not know it, but it's going to manifest in other

ways. He might be like, can I just do mine if I wear a wig and pantyhose and you're like, okay, yeah, whatever. But like with, with Kanye, you're just dealing with this in unbelievably out of control ego. The porno, he likes porno a lot and he's acting out a lot though. He's like, he's so annoying. You know, he's having like knee or mental breakdowns and stuff.

See, cause Caitlin's annoying as fuck now. Right. She's annoying, but as Bruce, she probably stayed in line. You know what I mean? Like her ego is on there. I don't know what his ego was like when he was, this is a good question for you. You should answer this first. Yeah.

But so sexually, you know that like he can do it. I mean, he fathered a bunch of kids and, you know, right. And I'm looking for that fertility game. But then Kanye is not going to treat you like baby mama. He's going to treat you like, like a little piece of trash on the ground. Yeah. I don't like that. I don't like Kanye's.

I'm just putting this on him. He might be brutal. He might be disrespectful. Yeah, that'd be fun for you. Bruce, I feel like he'd have the unconscious sensibility of a lady. Here's he is coming right now. He's smiling like that. You know, there's you.

No, that's his come face. Look, here we are with him. Oh, there we are in the 80s. Yeah. Look how cute he was. See, I look, there he goes. That's more of a con face. Look at them short shorts.

No, I like him. You know, he athletes, you can't go wrong physically. He probably looks great naked. He's got the Stanema. He has Stanema, not a lazy lover. He's going to have a lot of weird stuff going on. And it's more interesting. I think ultimately Kanye would be very toxic to be around.

So annoying. I'm such a fan of him as a producer. Right. And I think that would be the thing. I'd be like, I'll just deal with it. And then he would give me, you know, first listens to these things. He would not. You're just a piece.

You're just a slam piece, babe. You're talking relationship. I'm talking about filling up. Yeah, you want a grilled cheese? He's like, yeah, come check this out. And then he'd play a song for me. I was like, oh, that's such a good song. Babe, he's filling you up and sealing you shut.

He's not letting you listen to his music. Like his raps. Who's coming over? Oh, uh, Ross is here and 21 seven. What's up fellas? And he was like, go make them a sandwich too. You dumb little bitch. We're like, all right, I'll make you sandwiches.

Uh, well, I guess we agree to disagree. Yeah. I think we chose, I would chose who was right for each of us on that one. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Um, look, we got to wrap this up. Jean.

Okay. Hold on. Can I do another one? Another one. Caitlin or the mom. Oh, what's her name? Christ. Chris, right?

Hmm. Kris Jenner. Hmm. Chris, Kris Jenner or Caitlin. But they're about the same age. Yeah. Let's walk through it. Wow.

Caitlin's a new lady. She's probably going to want to. Definitely. You more Chris, man. Well, okay. Let's say Caitlin has a vision, a new freshly made vision. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't have any problem with it, but I just feel like. Yeah, you do. You'd have to have a problem. You wouldn't have a problem with it. No, I'm saying I don't have a problem with a doctor made vagine. You know, it probably feels funny, you know, feels weird, right? I guess. I don't know.

I mean, I've only had real vajines, but what if I don't know? I don't know. It's just Dick turned inside out though. That's what I'm saying. And so when as a straight guy, wouldn't you still, you'd be like, oh, this is like a dick. Like it's still a dick, right? It's still a dick.

Yeah. I'd be like, you have your dad's dick, but where are your dad's balls? You'd still have that in your head that you were still having sex with another dude's dad. Oh yeah, of course you would. It'd be tough to get inside out dick. It's still a dick. Yeah. I think Chris would be, um, I don't know, something about her would be fun.

She seemed like a fun lady. I think she's a fun time. Savvy, smart, business oriented. Yeah. I mean, look, she built this family. She did career. It's pretty miraculous. She's high maintenance as shit, but I mean, I think you would.

I don't know. Now let's go through this because she's just been dumped by a husband of how many years converting to being a woman. She's damaged goods too. Yeah. She's had her spirit broken. Do you think you're like just putting your mouth? Yeah.

Yeah. I think I would definitely rather fill that up though. Yeah. The, yeah. The mom. Caitlyn's going to be annoying. Oh my God. So high maintenance.

She's more high maintenance to me, I think, than the other lady. And we don't even know actually that Caitlyn likes men. I don't know. That was a big thing about that. Oh, was that right? Yeah. It was like, no, I like, I mean, at the time it was like that she likes women. That she's transitioning.

Oh, to be honest. It feels like a woman, a woman, but likes women. Oh, I didn't know that. So she's going to be a lesbian. Well, I mean, this was what I first heard over a long ago. Oh, Caitlyn. It's a lot of process. Call me Caitlyn.

It's so complicated. I can only imagine how horrible it must be to go through. It's a lot. God, poor woman. All right. All right. Well, there you go. There you go.

Uh, please go to a lot of hard-hitting questions. I mean, this one really broke me down. Does picking your nose make your nostrils bigger? Can retarded people drive? Would you rather fuck Caitlyn or Kris Jenner? These are the questions that we answer on your mom's house, on the promcast, the Trump 99, please shop through the Amazon banner. He'll Trump 90s.

Sorry, little Trump 90s gave him a bad shout out. Yeah, you didn't. And, uh, Trump 90s, Trump, stupid. Oh, this is huge. I can't, but I forgot it's all the way till the end. Oh, today, uh, this week, the 28th, the 28th of this month. Yes. Mostly stories.

My album based on the last Netflix special comes out. The audio release comes out. Here's the thing. It has two bonus tracks, two pieces of audio, two tracks that I just recorded. Um, last month that I told them, uh, instead of keeping these for myself for the next special, put them on this album. So if you get the new album, it'll be on iTunes, of course, Amazon, wherever you can buy and stream music, it'll be there to bonus tracks.

I would love for you to get it. If you're interested in hard copies, I ordered a limited edition, um, bound to hard copies, they'll be autographed and signed next week. And if you're a vinyl collector, the vinyl comes out in June. So there will also be a limited amount, limited run of vinyl, which I'm going to do a signed, uh, version of those with a poster, but that's in June. But the album, you can download, you can buy a hard copy in the next week or two. All right.

That's it, Jean. That's it. I love you. Love you. Bye, guys. A lot of people, a lot of people. I don't know what jeans are. Please explain.

He's explaining at our core, at our core. We are denim specials. At our core, at our core. We are denim specials. Jeans is you, jeans is me, denim, jeans is a term of affection. Jeans is like bae, denim, jeans are jeans. But they're also everything. The jeans are a way of life.

That's what really what this show is about. At our core, at our core. We are denim specials. At our core, at our core. We are denim specials. You want jeans to be high and tight. Loose would fly that thing aren't well. Jeans should always be high.

That's what really what this show is about. We are denim specials.