Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 394-Your Mom's House with Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura

Episode Date: May 3, 2017

A lot people have opinions on their dog food like they know what their dog can taste, thankfully one guy dove in for the rest of us and taste tested different dog foods. We have the amazing results.  Plus, single dad, Tom takes his son to the mall and gets some alarming looks. Would you look at Tommy that way?  A "You Know" champ comes to us from the least expected place AND it seems like the Personality Championship can be put to rest. We have audio for you to consider.  JEANS UP!

With the ever-increasing demand for greater speeds and aircraft, it has been necessary to remove every possible projection from the surface of the airway. Everything with induced turbulence, with its attendant fray, must be reduced to a minimum. The usual. Well! Canada has an ice cold melt, and this is a cold melt. Well! This is the trans-continental highway, baby!

Well! Oh, the story of this cold melt! Why isn't the government talking about our story? Oh! F-A-R-E F-A-R-E F-A-R-E F-A-R-E

F-A-R-E This is yours, Canada! But we welcome guests to... I mean, that's just ridiculous. I think I appreciate that clip even more now. I do too, and you know what I actually think? By the way, that is called Canadian Denim. That's by Garrett Herter.

I think that he actually is the ultimate dad boner. And here's why. We can get lost in the reactions. Because you can get lost in the reactions and think that that's really what it is. But it's actually really about the reaction to the whatever circumstance. And so some people are actually reacting in huge ways, but to truly astounding things. In other words, you know, the whales coming out of the water,

and that guy's like, oh my God, or... That's a normal reaction. Because it truly is remarkable. Sure. Or when the guy in the plane sees the eclipse, and he's like, oh, I forget the word. The corona! I mean, he gets excited, but that's a phenomenal thing that he's seeing.

This guy's reacting like this to a fucking highway. So I think he's actually the biggest dad boner of all. So it's the level of dad boner is directly proportional to the stimuli, if you will. Right. So some people have reacted even bigger than him. A few, because he sounds like he's coming. But still, it's to a highway, you know? Yeah, who gets that geeked about?

This is him. Oh, yeah! I mean, it's... Oh, the story that this road tells. Come on. I mean, it sounds like he's drugged. Yeah. Okay.

Do you think it's a mental illness? I think this guy has something wrong with him, for sure. But you know, I don't know if he's truly... Like, I want to say he's mentally ill to kind of poke at him. But I think this guy's really this excited. I think it's actually genuine. Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! That's him for real. Right. Oh! Oh! We're running down the street on the highway. Oh!

And we pointed out that it's very similar to somebody... Oh, God! ...coming, really coming. You know? Do you think it's because maybe he was watching them build it for so long? Like, maybe that's his route to work every day? I think his level, his real excitement is infrastructure, highways. That's his jam.

So when he sees the, where the fucking highway ends or where it meets whatever, he gets that fucking excited. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's got to have something. They do. That's amazing. That is amazing. Yeah.

I'm so, I'm so excited to be here. I spent the last 48 hours in a courtyard Marriott. How was that? Really exciting. I mean, it was really neat just to sit in the brown room and then... I forget how boring the days are for stand-up. Yeah. I forgot about that.

Like, you have to just fill hours of time. Yeah, yeah. And I didn't do a good job. I just sat in my room and I watched Netflix all day and slept. Well, I think maybe you did do a good job. Maybe you're not giving... I mean, how are you supposed to do it? I think maybe you...

You do a lot more on the road. You're like, oh, I worked out. Well, the workout's big to me on the road. I got to do it. I actually at the point... I'm at this point now. I won't do a show without it. Yeah.

See, you're good. That part... But I mean, I do it... I like to do it two hours before showtime. Wow. That's when I start to sleep. That's when I start my nap. Really?

Five o'clock. No. If I have a seven o'clock, five o'clock I'm in the gym. No. This way I can... No. I can work out. I feel myself.

I try to do enough where I'm sweating. Heart rate's definitely up, but I'm not exhausted. And this way I feel really alert. So then I can go back to my room. I don't have to panic, shower, change, get ready. And then it's like, you know, I have 15, 20 minutes to get to the venue. Yeah. That's not how my day went.

My day is I have two beds. There's one that you sleep in and then the other one you eat in. And I ordered Postmates and I ate. I do like the separate beds and the other ones for stuff. Yeah. Put all your shit on it. You turn the air off? No.

You turn it down? No. Now you're very suspicious of that. I am because I saw your insane post on Instagram where you showed that in Sacramento this week, you had the heat on in your room. 76. I like it a balmy 76. God.

Yeah. But that feels good to me. It feels natural, normal. I don't like... I hate cold air. We ever had a dispute in court. They would bring that as evidence. For the divorce?

The judge would rule against you. You'd be like, well, this is a crazy one. Just for that. Yeah. Just the gavel would come down. What about the... And the jurors would be like... Yeah, but what about...

What about what I tolerate as a wife? Like a lot of your box or short sitting... You know what I did do while you were gone and I thought about you? You're not even listening to my arguments. That's nothing. The farting, the belching, the snoring, the shits, the constant shitting. You're always excusing yourself to shit. You've been doing it much more than I have if you want to be honest about it.

How are we being honest about it? Every morning we're hanging out as a family and you're like, oh, I got to go shit. You always leave the shit first. You have to shit at like 7 o'clock in the morning. Because I'm healthier than you. No. No. You're gone a long time.

Healthy people shit quickly. Yeah, but I have to check Instagram. I got to look at the Twitter. I got to post things. You're gone a long time. You really are grinding them out, I guess. It doesn't take long to come out. My road dumps are very, can I tell you what gave me?

Listen, if you're having trouble taking a shit, let me tell you what will kick out your jams. Go to Starbucks, buy the instant coffee at Starbucks. I drink those on the road instead of the swill that they call coffee at the courtyard in Marriott. And I shit like foot long. Really? Yeah, dude. Really proud of you. So what were you going to say though?

I don't know. You kind of lost me in all this. You're talking about the judges. I like to talk more about Starbucks instant coffee in a minute. I slept in your spot. And how was that? It was great. It was great.

And then one night right before I went to bed, I sat like I sat up and I clipped my toenails in the bed and then I just brushed them to your side of the floor. No. That's so rude. Why would you do that? I could picture you going like, ouch. Like stepping on one. That's not nice.

It made me happy. Babe, that's not cool. Let's open this show correctly. Okay, yeah. We got to do this. Here we go. That's so rude. Well, howdy folks.

How the hell y'all doing? Oh, Catfish Cooley coming in till you live, baby. You think this guy's for real? I've been noticing a lot of people. They're talking about my dog going to eat this kind of food or my dog going to eat this kind of food because it costs more. I want to test that out. I think it's bullshit.

This shit is big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone loving to this. Yo, Barbara, the fuck is that? Welcome, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. With Tom Segura. Tom Segura.

And Christina Pajitzic. Christina Pajitzic. Welcome to your mom's house. Yeah. I think our son has more teeth than this guy. This guy doesn't have a lot of teeth, but he's a big burly dude. And he's tired of people talking and comparing dog foods or saying that my dog doesn't like that.

Yeah. I don't think that's not true. Like my dad, my dog doesn't like. I think people, I think that does happen. My dogs have always just eaten whatever slop we put in their bowl. Like you. It's similar to how you are. That's probably true.

But I think some people do are big into that saying like, oh, my dog's a big fan of this. I guess. My dog won't eat that or doesn't like that. Now he's got a number eight on this knuckle. Are there two more eights? Is he a Hill Hitler? The 888. That's what that is.

The white supremacist. Yeah. That's the eighth letter of the alphabet. Remember we learned this blue band taught us this. Blue band taught us? Yeah. Cause there was somebody with an 888 tattoo and he, this is when he was in studio and he's like eight is, it's H.

It's the eighth letter of the alphabet. Well, do we know our ABCs? Hill Hitler. Let's try it. 888. I don't know if he has all three. That'd be really disturbing if he did. Well, I mean, I, if the shoe fits, the key sounds like someone.

Then say hi to Hitler. He sounds like the kind of guy that would have. Yeah. Well, I don't know if that's fair to people that sound like that. There's a lot of people that sound like that. Hey Hitler. See Danny, yeah, Danny's not from the south. No, she says it totally differently too.

Hi. Hitler. Kind of sleepy. Yeah. I got some mighty dog food, some kind of sheep. Mighty. It's a cheaper cat. Mighty dog.

Ew. Ew. Oh. I wouldn't eat mighty dog. At least I ate the gourmet. Oh. Oh. Well, that's, I'm out of the clip.

I didn't know we were going there. I'm out of the clip. I have. I'm out of the clip. Oh. Oh my God. He fucking. Not looking.

Woo. Oh boy. Is it done? I think so. There we go. There we go. The good dog food. He's going in for number two.

It's a different one though. It's a different time. I can't even do this. It's a different time of dog food. Why does he go back? Seconds. Because he's making a video. Woo.

Okay. He's going to eat a little bit. Oh my God. Why are you opening? Yeah. Is this funny? I think, first of all, I didn't. Sometimes I look at clips.

I have no idea this was coming. I swear to you. I had no idea. You said you've seen, right? I've seen just the beginning. Wait. The dog food I tried, that's Feef's prescription. How do you not vomit?

That's the science hill diet or whatever because he's got. No, but that guy that worked at the dog food place said. I know. Don't eat that. Because he said it's got maggots and stuff. But now you got a nice ring. I did get my nice ring. You got a nice ring.

It didn't taste that bad. I don't know what this fucking hillbilly's all crying about. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. Oh my God. It tastes like shit. I knew it.

It's no matter what kind of dog food it is. No shit. It just tastes like shit. Oh my God. But you think he'd be used to eating like raccoon and snake and stuff and squirrel? He'd be fun to hang out with. What does this say on this tattoo here? Can you read it?

I don't know. It's that. Oh, it's Stewie. Isn't that Stewie from the family guy? I don't think so. It is. Really? Oh yeah, you're right.

Maybe it's his catchphrase. I don't know what it is. Well, this guy's... Look, at least I did it for a ring. This guy did it just for the... Come on, man. He just did it for like YouTube likes. Well, that was a very entertaining video.

I would tell him that. Yeah. That was very entertaining. Dog food's not that bad. What's this fucking sissy crying about? Yeah, I don't know. What a fucking pussy. You hit the road and you're hitting the road again.

Yeah, I'm going to Fartnix this week. Fartnix. And then I've been single dad. I've been doing that single dad life. I left you alone for exactly 48 hours and now you're a full single dad. Single dad. 48 hours. What happened while I was gone?

We had a good time actually. It was really... It's fun, right? Sometimes it's good. I mean, yeah. There's obviously really trying moments and the... I think the thing that wears on you, the wears on nerves is when the whining doesn't stop. Yeah.

When you hear like... Oh my God. You're like, do you want this? Do you want that? Do you want the other thing? When you offer everything up, do you want rest? Do you want change? Do you want food?

And they're like, huh. And that goes on and on. That's when you're like, I'm all right. Yeah. Talked out. Is anyone else coming over to help? Yeah. Well, it's hard because he only knows a few words so he can't communicate.

What do you want? Yeah. That part makes me crazy. And sometimes they don't know what they want. That's the other thing. They just want you to fix it. Yeah. And he comes over and just goes, uh, fix me.

And sometimes they're tired, but you think that, oh, do you want to sleep? And they do, but they don't know that they need to work to get to sleep. Shit like that. They don't know how to. Yeah. It's tough. It wears on you. Yeah.

It's so hard. But there's a lot of fun moments. Yeah. So I had a lot of fun with him. You know, the only, the times I get stressed out or like, excuse me, nighttime, like if he doesn't sleep through the night and then I'm up with him all night and then I have to be with him the next day alone, then I'm like, oh, I'm going to blow my brains out. Yeah.

You're gone. It's tough. It's, it's just, you know, forever. But the good news is that you got a lot of, uh, check attention at the mall. A lot of checks. At the country club. I got to tell you something. It's so funny.

It's interesting. I take him to the country club and you know, for people that don't know here out here, if you're like, why are you going to the mall for us? It's like we live in a very hot city and it's the heat has already begun. It's like in the nineties, like today it's 93. Um, let me check my apple watch to confirm it was in the car. So it said in the car, um, but anyways, and then the other day over the weekend, it was really windy.

Like trees blew down. Oh yeah. Um, so that is one of the reasons we go and it's like, it's, you know, it's space. It's, it's, uh, he can, he can run free. There's stuff for kids to do. You can get lunch. You can get lunch. So anyways, we go there and I noticed that I'm getting a lot of different types of looks.

I'm getting like dudes that are like, like, like I'll say three guys are having coffee together at a place looking at me like, you see that guy? Like that's what the look is. The look is like, see that guy with the baby, the kidnapper, the kidnapper or like this guy's like a woman. Right. You know, that's, that's how I read their look and I noticed that it's a different look. Like they don't register a guy with a three or a five year old like that.

Like a kid that's up and running and, but when it's a like our kids, 16 months, they're like, huh? And two would look at me curiously like, cause I'm sitting there, you know, I'm putting him back in the stroller cause he gets tired of running and I'm pulling apart a banana and giving him pieces of banana. Like here's your water. Like I'm doing all the care taking things and doing mom things. And they're looking at me like, yeah, where did this guy steal this?

That's cause mom, mom does every like no offense, but mom is really, I, I get it, but it's an interesting look to get from strangers. And it, it tells you a lot, it tells you a lot about, you know, so society and also these individuals. I mean, some of them are looking at me because they think that I even, I shouldn't even be doing that. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing is that people assume women are natural caregivers and that's

really not true because you have to, I had to learn how to take care of an infant. It's not like it comes out of you and you're like, Oh, I know how to breastfeed. Like no, someone had to come to our house and teach me how and then I had to learn how to change a diaper. So it's learned behavior and men can learn it too. And I don't know why the fuck the default is mom all the time on everything. Well, I know why it makes sense actually cause it came out of me, which yeah, because as a woman and also don't forget, you're the actual food source and I'm talking about

the beginning. Not anymore, but from the beginning, the woman is the food source. So it makes sense because we're programmed biologically for you to have the, the life grows in you and then you, you nurture it. So it's not that crazy, but it's, it's interesting that, you know, obviously people in times have evolved and people are looking at me like, what the fuck are you doing? I mean, he stole baby. Yeah.

They looked at me like I was crazy and I could, you know, I wasn't like one or two people and talking about multiple people throughout this hour at a mall. We're looking at me like, what are you doing? I know it's sad when people, when men are like, I'm going to babysit and babysitting my children this weekend when my wife goes away. It's like, you're not babysitting asshole. Those are your kids. Those are yours.

Yeah. Why is that the assumption that only mom can take care of children? I think men should be offended that it's assumed to be a female role. I mean, don't you get some satisfaction taking care of Ellis? Of course I get satisfaction. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's great.

I mean, like, I know I'm doing women's work, but, but I still, I still enjoy it. Just like if you were to fucking build a deck, you'd be like, oh, this is cool. This is what guys do. Right. Or just what humans can do. Yeah. I don't know. I feel like people can do it.

I don't know. Despite having... I feel like, like if I cook, I'm like, oh, cool, like chicks do this, you know? You cooked. You cooked excellent. I did have a great Sunday cooking day. What? Wait, what was it called?

The brisket? Is that what you mean? No, I did tri-tip. Dic-tip. That was so good. Dic-tip was delicious. I got a big green egg. There's some, I know there's some super barbecue fans out there.

I like to work with fire, so I don't like doing, you know, I like charcoal. I like wood chips, and I like, I like messing with fire. And this thing is, it's really, it's really simple actually, because you control your heat just based on the air you let into it. So you can, you can basically get this thing, if you want to, let's say, throw a steak on and you want to just have that thing go quick, you can make, you can make that thing about almost 700 degrees and just have the vents completely open. Put your penis in there.

It's like a fucking, you know, almost like a broiler. And then boom, your steak is done in a minute, you know, but you can also reduce the air flow and bring that temperature in that 225 to 50 range and slow cook some things kind of, and that's what I did with that. It was so fun. But you, it's smoky tasting, because it's smoky. Yeah. It's really smoky.

You can't, you can't like smoke a cake in there. You can, you can smoke a cake. Absolutely. Really? Yeah. So you were gone. I did a couple of birthday cakes in there. Really?

Yeah. Some cupcakes, like smoky chocolate. People love that, that natural, that charcoal tasting cake is like, it's, it's just such a, it's a, it's un, it's uncommon, but it's a, it's really rewarding. Yeah. Interesting. No, but I actually did do a British baking show treat. I tried it.

That was awesome. Yeah. Cause we found the secondary show, the masterclass. They have it on Netflix and you can watch Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood make the recipes. Paul Hollywood. And you know what I, what I noticed when I was watching it is that Paul Hollywood is like a big show off. Yeah.

Like he cracks the eggs with one hand on the side of the bowl. He does it fast too. Of course. Like, like showing off and he does everything really, really fast to show off. And Mary Berry was like, oh, I've noticed when you crack it that way, all the egg drips on the side of the bowl. And he, you know, she was kind of like relaxed, relax, 83, take it, take it down a notch. I know, but that's the, that's, it kind of contributes to the chemistry of them, right?

Because she's like, do you notice none of the egg dribbles on my bow? And he's like, that's fine, Mary. Like it doesn't even, he's like, yeah, it's just like you are with your mom, basically. Yeah. Okay. Mom. He made a couple of old jokes at her at one point and she did not react like a couple of them.

She was like, nope. She did not like it. So I tried his chocolate volcano, but I missed one small, but key step. Yeah. I forgot the two tablespoons of flour. God damn it. And I could just see him trying it and being like, the flavor's there. Yeah.

It's a good bike. It's a good bike. Yeah. You didn't get to rise. You should have gone. Yeah. You need to get that, that molten lava cake rise. And for those of you like, uh-oh, you guys are back on the fat train.

We literally, we did it like bakers. We had a couple of bites and then we fucking threw it away. I made fitness today. I rained it in. Yeah. We're all good. Got to make fitness and make it all the time. I made it.

Yeah. I made it four times last week and I'll make fitness in the morning. I'm going to do, I'm going to do twice with the trainer and I'm going to do a couple solos this week. Running into like that mom life that I got going, you do Pilates twice a week, take care of the kid alone now. Pretty exciting. Yeah.

It's pretty exciting. Now, there's one thing that, you know, we got a lot of emails, things to go through. One thing that's been coming up is like personality wise, who really is the champ. You're not going to read listener emails, are you? Because those are always really slanted towards one of us or they don't really know us. It's in real life. So how can you say? I got one better for you.

Okay. I have actual commentary. No. I was listening to this podcast, Contest Personality, and for me it's not even, it's not a contest. It's by far, by far, by far, you're the best. Christine has a really nice personality. There you go. She's really smart.

She's smarter than you, but a father charming, amazing, funny, articulate, and all the things around, you win by far, and you win by far. Wait a minute. Great, great, great. There is no contest there. You're the winner. Now. Bye.

But wait a minute. That's not some random caller. That's your biological mom. That's the woman that raised you. How about somebody that knows us both? She's supposed to feel that way. How about some people that know us both? You know?

I mean, there's other people that know us. Yeah, but that's your mom. What's up, Teddy Loans? Hey, I was just listening to this podcast. Stop it. Stop yourself. Look, you know I love Christine. I've known Christine for, what, a dozen years?

Ryan Sickler. Yeah, I know. I know who this is. Beautiful girl. Great mom. Hilarious comedian. Yeah. Great friend.

Great daughter. But when it comes to personality, cardboard. Absolutely. Just dry shit. Sandpaper. You know what I mean? Yep. Really nothing there.

Definitely marry it off. I mean, when it comes to personality, you definitely have a better personality. I can't believe you solicited these. That was Ryan Sickler of the crab feast podcast. What a traitor. I can't believe it. There's different. I mean, people are calling in.

No, those aren't people. Those are two biased people that you set up. Hey, buddy. Listen to the show. Interesting question. Who has the best personality? Well, I think that. I think that's the best personality.

I think that's the best personality. I think that's the best personality. I think that's the best personality. Well, I think that Christina is clearly the more intelligent. Educational background. He's so into that. I think in terms of personality, after all, you're my son. Yeah.

Yeah. See, I mean. Awesome. You got most of your personality from me. Yeah. He's so cognizant for you. So I think that my vote has to go to you. Unreal.

Yeah. Unreal. I mean, it's obviously skewed. I don't know. I mean, there's people. I mean, obviously my parents are going to vote a certain way, but there's people. Hey, Tom, it's Matt Pulsar on the full charge.

I was thinking about this lately. I don't know why I was thinking about it. Your wife Christina is so funny on stage. On stage. But off stage, I kind of think you have a better personality. This is terrible. You're fun to hang out with. You've got the joke.

Yep. Like off stage. I like hanging out with you, man. Yeah. You should know. Yeah. Please don't tell Christina I said that. Wow.

Wow. This is really quite a coup here. Well, so I mean. I'm devastated. I can't believe it. It is kind of alarming. No. I was listening to your podcast and I thought about what you said on there.

Oh my God. At the end of the day. And listen, you're taking a, I'm a guy in it. That personality. I'm not the number one on any of these words. We're having a party. So Tom didn't say that. But you do have a nice personality.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Christina is a great mom. Good looking broad. You know, funny comic. Her personality is kind of like, ah, you know what I'm saying? They don't get anything. They got the gulash and the sores.

They're jumping up and down and shit. But your personality is kind of smooth. Christine, you know, I don't know if you're going to stab me in the head. I don't know what's going to happen. Wow. That's what I think. Thank you for what it's worth. Take life.

Wow. So do you feel like. I can't believe this. I know it's kind of, it is crazy. This is crazy. But you feel like this is because these are all people that are more connected to me. Is that what you're saying? I'm saying, I just have a feeling that you solicited these comments.

These are just people that called in and said these things. I, you know, so weird that they, that everyone, all of our friends are listening to our pie gas and then felt compelled to call and leave a voicemail about those issues. That's interesting. I mean, but how do you, do you think, like, do you think if you had, if we had like your people call in, it would be different though or no? Oh no. You think so?

Don't tell me what you did. Hey guys, this is Shauna. No. I think there was like a discussion about who's the personality champ. No. I mean, I've known Christina since I was 15. Yeah. And I love her for her personality.

Of course. She's a lover to death. But then when I met Tom, I mean, when they got married, I was like, wow, this guy's got a great personality. I mean, I got to say personality champ. Tom's a girl. There you go. That's your best friend.

That's terrible. That's your best friend. I can't believe you did that to her. How much did you pay her? I didn't pay her anything. You did. I did not. I'm going to find out how much you paid her to say that.

I didn't pay her a dime. Oh my God. She called me. I know you did. You sent them glass and t-shirts for free. No, I did not. You sent her and her husband Jimmy free t-shirts and that's why they did that. I got that.

I know. I did not. No, I know why. I think it's pretty much, it feels settled to me. Those are the people that know us both. Even the listeners obviously side more towards me. They don't know us the way everybody who commented knows us. That's interesting.

And they're voting. They're voting with their voices, baby. Okay. I think it's time to throw in the towel on this one if I were you. Something tells me you've manipulated the data. I haven't. Hi, this is Steve Collin. I'm just listening to the podcast.

Steve. Steve. My buddy Steve. I must say when it comes to looks, Christina is by far the much better looking person. That's obvious. Yeah. No contest at all. I understand that.

However, personality wise, I got to give it to Tom. This is so stupid. There you go. This is so stupid. How is it stupid? I mean, it's so obviously manipulated data. It's not manipulated. These are alternative facts.

Everybody knows. No, it's not. That is so stupid. Don't you feel done with it now? No, I don't feel done. In fact, this compels me to continue the dialogue. I'm going to take it to the streets and I'm going to really, really interview people from now on.

Really? Yeah. Do you really think that anybody would side with you? Yes. Who knows us both? Unbiased people, maybe not family members or best friends you've manipulated. Yeah. Well, it seems like one of yours sided with me, one of your best friends.

You paid her in free t-shirts. I did not pay her. You paid her in free. She sent me a picture in our glass and shirts last night and I thought, oh, that's weird. That's odd. No. She doesn't normally, you know, buy merch from us and then it makes perfect sense. You sent her those shirts and you bribed her.

That was pretty great though. Do you want to know the funniest part of this? I can't believe you did this. You're so sneaky. Hold on. This is too funny. You are so... No, no.

Bring it down enough. A two-carbon compound reacts with a four-carbon compound to produce the six-carbon compound citric acid. Oh my fuck. In subsequent reactions, two carbons are lost as CO2, electrons are stored and ATP is produced. God damn it. Do you know, I never even took chemistry because I couldn't get past the first week

of it. And the guy fucking loved me and that's why he gave me a deed. He loved me. That shit is so hard. He didn't love you. He probably loved how hot you were in high school until I pedified. No. Was it father so-and-so?

I was somebody that treated him like a human being. You know, I treated the teacher like a person. I had a real conversation and you could tell that nobody did that. So he was so engaged with me and I really, this is like an extension of my awesome personality or manipulation. Some might say a manipulative personality. Go ahead. He loved me and I remember he could not get over how bad I was at chemistry and he did

it in a subtle way. He wasn't obvious, but you could see it on his face like, don't you get this? And I was like, no. I could not get it to save my life. I mean, in high school, I could not, I had to drop out and take two different classes to count as chemistry. If that's what you had to do in order to, I don't know, be of value in this world. Oh my God.

Yeah. I mean, it would just be, I'd be living in a cardboard box, in a gutter, Bangladesh. Yeah. Why? Because that's the dirtiest place I know. That is not the dirtiest place. No, it's the worst place on earth. Why do you say that?

Because I've seen photos. You're horrible. No, where do you think the worst place of your personality, where do you think the worst place on earth is be real and, and no, obviously Toledo. How dare you? The Paris Berg? Erie. Funny bone.

I've not been to Erie. No, I don't know. I don't know what the worst place is. I mean, on earth, not, not USA, nothing's that bad in the US. I think Bangladesh. Don't you? I mean, no, I wouldn't have said Bangladesh. Kyrgyzstan?

I've been there. It's terrible. It's not as bad as Bangladesh. You know what's funny? When I was in Hong Kong, which is amazing. Yeah. A lot of native people there were telling me, don't go to mainland China. I don't think.

Seriously. You think? No, no. Seriously. They don't go. I think outside of the cities of China. Shanghai. Yeah.

They were like. I've heard that too. Fucking rough. Yeah, it's real. These were Chinese people telling me this. They're like. Don't go. Because they thought, they thought we were going there.

You guys going to Shanghai and stuff. We're like, no. And they're like, well, don't, you know, don't venture outside of there. Yeah. I've heard there's a lot of like toothless people. Yeah. People with five legs and two heads. Yeah.

You know. Two heads. Well, I see that a lot on the, on the Instagram. Like I follow Nat Geo on Instagram. You're such an elite. And they're, and they're like, this baby was born with five legs and two heads from India. It's never America that the five legged baby.

Yeah. I'm really, I, I have to say, I'm really amused by your quote consensus of who's got the better personality. It's very funny. It's very done. Very amusing. Do you want to hear the funniest part of this whole thing though? Yeah.

So when I called and I told my parents to call in. Yeah. So here's like to manipulate the data. Go ahead. Here's the setup and do it. So my dad calls and he acts like he's just a regular caller. So I had to have him call twice because the first time hilarious as if the listeners would not know who he is.

Yeah. So he first time he goes, Hey, Tom, just want to offer my opinion on who the personality winner. And he can't, he can't say it right either. First personality winner. And he goes, Hey, Tom. So I called back and I go, what was that? And he goes, Oh, your mom said to, so that the people don't know it's, uh, it's me.

Like so that we don't, I go, do you guys don't think that, that not only would the listeners know, but that like we wouldn't play and be like, Oh, that's your dad. You can hide who that is. And he goes, I thought so, but he just left it as, I'm just, Hey, Tom, just wanted to offer my opinion. Hey, Tom. Yeah. Thomas.

I go, you've never called me. Never. Not even one time. I've never heard him call you that. It's always a buddy. Buddy. Buddy. Tommy.

Yeah. Big dog. Yeah. Never. Tom. Now the funny part too, actually is that our interior designer was here this morning. Yeah. Showing us plans and.

She weighed in. She weighed in and we're really good relationship with her. She's very funny. And, and I go forgive Tom. He's, he's late. He's just not a very good personality. And I go, and I go, Shana, that's her name. She, what, who do you think has a better personality?

Tom or me? Yeah. And at first she gave the very considerate like, well, you guys are both. And I was like, man, come on. And here's what she said. She said, she thinks I am a, have a better personality to, to more people. She said, I bet you're kinder to more people. That doesn't mean better personality are more selective of who you are kind to.

In other words, you withdraw and restrict being kind. Yeah. Selectively. Yes. Whereas I am that way with more people. Jeez. I wonder which of the two of us has a better personality. Hold on, Yana.

Allow me to defend. Here's why. A, I'm a woman. If I walk around being all googly star eyed and kind to every A hole out there. Guys think you're hitting on them if you're nice to them. And I had to learn that in my twenties. I think you learned it this weekend too. And I did.

I got hit on actually twice in the airport. My wedding ring is not big enough. So the second part to that is I grew up in a major city with a lot of. Hey, how are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? Is that what happened? The second part is that when you grow up in LA, there's a lot of nut bags here that

come from other places. So you got to put up the shield first. And then if you're cool, then I'm nice. Now, but I'm nice to servers. I'm nice to, to everybody. I just don't go out on my way to be kind, kind of like, Hey, I'll be my friend. Yeah. Not until I know you.

Okay. No, but I'm not rude to like service people though. I never said you were rude to service. But that's what I'm saying. Like I would never, ever be shitty to like service. You're obviously not very kind to the Bangladeshi people. Oh, they're not listening. They don't think so.

They don't have iPhones. Like they don't. Oh, I'm just kidding. No, I know they do. No, they don't. They're no, no, no, no. You sound like Yoshi. No, they don't know.

They don't know. By the way, oh, I got to make this announcement. So the live Yoshi episode went up. I saw some complaints about the audio. Luckily we got an email from a guy named Malcolm in Seattle who volunteered an idea to fix it. Yeah. And a blue band did it and it was a thousand percent improved. Well, thank you Malcolm.

So if you tried listening and you, and you're like, I don't like this audio. This sucks. You stop. This is another shot. Here's what you have to do though. This is what I've been told is that if you downloaded it, you have to delete it and download a second time because the feed has a new file in it. So that's a, it's the live episode.

It went up on Friday. Yoshi joined us and it was, he's crazier and shit. Crazier and great guests. Great, great guests. Now back to this Bangladeshi thing. Just so you know, I had an Indian stepfather for 17 years. Oh, I'm allowed. I have a black friend.

It's not the same. And he hated India. He only ever told me horror stories about growing up in Bombay, Mumbai. Horrible. Horrible. Did not hit me mommy. Yeah. So all I ever heard was what a dump India was and how much better America is.

And so just seeing, you know, I've got a fucking witness. I'm not, I'm not in the stance. It's fine. Your mom's fine. No, but really, where do you think the worst place on earth is? Let's, let's go. That's a really great question. I mean, I think the worst place on earth is hot.

India. Go ahead. Check. There's hot and dirty. Check to and undeniably really poor. Check three, three for three. It could be like that. Yeah, it could be.

That could be the place. I don't know. Sounds terrible. I probably a lot of central African places like that. Oh boy. Oh boy. That's gotta be rough too. Fuck yeah.

Or war torn. Clearly. Yeah. That's gotta be the worst. Because we're talking about real, like real, like you go there now, right? Yeah. Shit's real right now. It's fucking terrible.

Yeah. Like you're drinking the water that everyone's bathing in kind of stuff. If there's water. And then a side of all, like when you take away the, the, the, just the punishing heat. Yeah. The unfair extreme poverty. Yeah. The, the, the disease, the filth.

Yeah. So you get away all that and then, and, and bullets flying overhead. And let's say you get away from all that. You could still turn around and have a rhino bite you in half. True. This is in Africa. In certain parts of Africa. Sure.

Tigers can swim and, and, and molly you. Yeah. You know what? Tigers, that's more of an India problem. That's an India problem. Yeah. I thought it was an Africa thing too. No.

India. And also the civility. I've heard stories where a pedestrian will be hit in the road. Yeah. In India somewhere. And they'll just keep driving over them. Like people don't pull over. Well, that's also has to do with populations.

Human life is not valued. Because of how many? Yeah. Yeah. Once you get, once you have a country with over one billion people. Imagine if we had. Yeah. Like right now we had four times as many people as we have right now in the states.

You would, they would report things less. You'd report murders less. Not too bad. Yeah. You'd be like, it's a lot of people, people are fucked up, people die. That's how you'd be. You wouldn't even have to tell somebody if you hit a pedestrian. No.

You'd be like, no. Just keep driving. Just go. Which guy? Oh, the guy. Yeah. That guy's dead. Yeah.

That's nuts. And you know what I noticed too when I was like in the Middle East is that people just walk on the freeway. Yeah. There's a lot of that too. Like camels just run next to the freeway. Yeah. People walk when they're not.

They shouldn't walk. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. We're going to get some emails next week. Sure. Sure. Once you tell people you got a lot of stuff coming up.

I do. I'm just going to be camping up to take my hour special. So I'm running it now. Please come see it. Is that loud enough? I mean. Yeah. Sorry.

May 4th and 5th. Fartnecks, Arizona at stand up. Rive. May 19th through 20th. JewdorkTitties at Gotham. Come on, you club. June 1 through 3. Denver.

Momver. Hangver. Denver Comedy Works. The downtown location. Yeah. June 16th and 17th. Manfriend Disco at the Punch Rhyne Comedy Club. Oh, and I just added June 22nd.

I'm going to run it one last time here at Flappers in Burbank in the You Who room. You Who. June 22nd. So come check that out. That's great. Flappers at You Who room is the shit. I love that. I love small rooms.

Yeah. I know you're not supposed to, but I always prefer them. Is that it? That's it, Gene. All right. I'm going to be going back to Oregon, the great state of Oregon. Oregon. Oregon.

New Genes, Oregon. Blue Genes, Oregon. Blue Genes. I like that one. By the way, we added a show May 12th in Eugene. Go Ducks. So Ryan Sickler is coming with me. He'll be on both of the shows on the 12th in Eugene.

Sickle Cell? Yeah. Sickle Cell is coming with me. Great. So back to Portland, Oregon. And the reason I did that was because the first two I did sold out really far ahead of time. So we're doing two more on May 13th.

Get your tickets. The early show sold out, but there are tickets available to the late show. I believe that's at 10.30 on May 13th. Then I go to Tuxin, Arizona. Rene, no. Nevada. Rene, no. And Simecula, California.

Pechanga. Simecula. No, I got it. I got it, yeah. That's June 11th at the Pechanga. And then I go to the Dirty Dirty. I go to Richmond, Virginia. Virginia Beach.

Virginia. Jeansboro, North Carolina. Jeansboro. At the Cone Denim Entertainment Center. Oh my God. And I know you did that on purpose, right? Of course. You requested that venue.

July 14th, Asheville, North Carolina. Asheville is Asheville. Got it, yeah. And July 15th, I don't know what to call Charleston, South Carolina. Oh boy, that's a tough one. Charlestink. Charlestink, I don't know. Denver's 27th.

Charleston. Tampon Beach, New Hampton. Tampon. Wilmington, I don't know. Delaware. Oh, Wilmington. I don't know what that is. Balls and Horses, Maryland on July 29th.

Right? Jesus. Balls and Horses. Yeah. And then I go to Mum Australia. And that's all at tomcigura.com slash tour. Of course, we do the podcast live one show only August 23rd. It's a long ways away, but it is moving.

And that is in West Balls Beach, Florida at the Improv in Palm Beach. So make sure you get your ticket now. So you were strutting that ass, strutting that ass at the airport. How dare you. And guys were like, hey, and you were like, hey. No, I wasn't like, hey, what happened was I'm wearing, I don't wear a big chunky garish diamond ring. I just, it didn't work.

I have a very tender little wedding band that says Mrs. I love this thing. Yeah. It's cool. It's subtle. And I don't think it stands out enough because twice I got kind of talk to. So how does it work? Cause I imagine, I'll just tell you, I imagine that, that, that happens to you in my mind

all the time. They guys, I know how guys operate. They see attractive woman. You just go, Hey, right? Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what's a really big cock shrinker is a one year old in your arm. Well, I know when I'm assuming when I'm talking about when you're not with. I know.

Child. Um, I usually look like hell when I travel and this time I had gone to Allen. I got my hair done and it was, it was blown out nicely. Yeah. So I think like I was not made up, but I looked like a civilized human and, but I don't send out any kind of signal. Like I'm eyes down, eyes forward, usually earbuds. I'm very shut off.

Like I'm very cold in public. That is true. Like I don't, I'm not kind as you say to everybody. So I'm in the security line and that's the first guy who's about my age, you know, he's alone and he's doing the whole was Burbank airport. It's really easy. Huh? And I'm like, yup.

Yeah. Oh, this is so much better than Texas. Where are you going? Like doing the whole Chattie Cathy stuff. And then you're like, yeah, I was like, what has been what kid? And I hid the, uh, screen photo I have you and Ellis, like immediately I changed it. Yeah. Yeah.

I changed it. Um, and then I, you know, I'm, I shut it down though. I don't really want to get into it. And then I was on South worst airline and we were lining up like animals. And the guy behind me did a, where are you going? A business or pleasure? How long are you staying in Sacramento? How do you handle it though?

Well in California, first of all, we don't do that. Like that's a South, a Southern thing. Maybe not a LA. Nobody talks to people and that like, it's just forbidden. It's against the rules. You don't. Yeah. I wanted to fight.

Okay. So I don't, what I do is I answer politely, but tersely. I don't give a lot of details. And by the way, I don't like people knowing where I live, where I'm going. I don't like that either. I'm big on like, don't ask me. Don't ask a lot of questions. I fucking lie to people all the time.

Now the driver, um, who drove me to the airport yesterday, didn't, he's like, so are you here for business or pleasure? And I was this close to lying and being like, Oh, business. I'm a paralegal. And then just glass and just glass and he looked at the sheet and he goes, Oh, you're a comedian. And I was the punchline arranged. Right.

And I was two seconds away from just lying to this guy. So I don't want to talk about comedy for the next hour. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm glad I didn't lie to him cause I normally do. And he did the whole thing where he, he looked in the rear view mirror as he was driving forward the whole fucking time, which to me, I panicked. Like, bro, look at the road.

I don't like that either. I don't need to make eye contact with you. You know, there's one worse than that. And that is the full turnaround to see. Yeah. Stop that. Yeah. Yeah.

This isn't a movie. Like you're really driving. How long you in town for? Yeah. And you're like a couple of days. Look at that. Truck up there. What's that there?

Oh, the road. You fucking idiot. Yeah. So do you like, do you, do you kind of flirt back? No, I'm telling you this whole not kind thing is I'm polite. Yeah. But I certainly don't invite a dialogue. I don't come all over my face.

That too. Yeah. I don't like small talk. I really can't tolerate a lot of like, where's I, where are you from? What's that? Like, please, can we talk about, let's talk about anything else. Yeah. I hate small talk.

I can't do it. Yeah. Fuck, I can't. And I can't be polite. I can't answer things right. You know, right? No, I know. You've been hit on when you were with Alice, live girls.

No. I usually what they do is they're like, oh my gosh, as they're looking at him, and they look up at me and they go like, they kind of get out of it. Must be mom. Yeah. Okay. Are you supposed to be with this boy? I'm telling you.

You mean to tell me that after shows now, cause I hear stories from male comics who are like, dude, out of fucking my set was so killer. I had a four way afterwards. I swear to God. No, like there's never been a set and then some fucking whore afterwards is like, you text and you're like, yeah, give me your number. I love sexting. No, it doesn't work like that.

No girl. No woman's ever been like, you know, I heard you talking about farts up there. No. I was wondering if you would fart in my mouth and my face. That happens. Yeah. That happens. No, they, they, they don't really, it doesn't really work like that.

I mean. F-A-R-T. They, girls don't come solo to my shows and they don't come in. You don't get the bachelorette parties like I do. And we don't get like, like some guys like three girls might go see this guy. They like, it doesn't work like that for me. It's not that. For me, most of my audience, yeah.

Like a Dane Cook would have like a gaggle of girls going to stand. Absolutely. And there's a bunch, there's guys out there now. I'm sure draw women, like single guy. But for me, I'm telling you, this happens every show. Guys are bringing their girls like a guy's doing a lot of dates, right? Like guy takes his girl to the movies. And then in the meet and greet lines, the guy will take a picture.

And this happens every show goes, babe, and she goes, I'm good. And then I go, and then he's like, no, no, come on. She says, I'm fine. No, thanks. No, thanks for like, I don't want a photo of this memory. That's interesting. So you think that you're on stage persona, your personality is so unlikeable. Pretty much on stage.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I have it all the time. And no girls do not go like. Hey, it doesn't really know. Never. Not even like sometimes.

No, not even real. Sometimes there's jokes like they, they will listen to our show. Yeah. And they'll, yeah. And they'll be like, I'll like your ass. Like there was a whole time. There was a whole time of that. Yeah.

People were offering to eat. I'll take something every time. Very exciting to hear. Very exciting to hear. I was always pleased to hear it, but, but on a regular basis. No, I don't get like. Hey, were you? Sometimes groups will say like, where are you going afterwards?

Yeah. Um, and won't get hints that I don't want to hang out. Yeah. We're not social. Yeah. I'll be like, I don't know. And then they go, uh, do you want to wait here? And I go, no.

No. I don't know how long I'll be here. And they're like, okay, we can wait outside. I'm like, don't do that. And then it's like, they still be like, so there's a bar across the street. Yeah. Which one is that? And then I'll be like, yeah, yeah.

I might go there. Of course not. I don't like to hang out. Well, it's so late. By the time I was done with my shows, it was like 1230 and the audience is tired. I'm tired. I want to go home. I was thinking about that.

I think I told you Bert posted some photo on his Instagram. Yeah. Him with the bachelorette group. Oh my God. He was carrying one of them. Oh my God. Here was tonight. And I almost texted him like your idea of a fun night is my idea of a panic attack.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like that is anxiety inducing. Yes. 100%. 100%. For me too.

He's partying with a fucking group of people and like for him, that's a show. Can't do it. Can't fucking do it. Can I tell you what gives me the most diarrhea about an exchange like that? Jesus. The amount of small talk that would have to ensue. Yeah. Of like, so what's it like being a comedian?

What's it like being married? I would have to. No, I can't. I'm not really a big drinker. You know? Yeah. Yeah. To hang out like that.

With a bunch of bachelorettes. Oh my God. With anyone. With any group. I'm saying because of the small talk. Yeah. Since I can't do it sober, I'd be like, well, I'll just fucking knock back some shots and do this.

Yeah. I'm so uncomfortable in large groups too. Yeah. I've never functioned with large groups of girlfriends or parties. I never had a fun. I'm better like in a smaller situation. Dinner. Like let's actually talk.

Of course. Yeah. I also wanted to. Like, but Bert likes to hold court, you know, to like, I can't do, I, nothing makes me more comfortable than like hold a court. I can't do that. Now let's do that. And now it's like, he has all these ideas of how the fun can continue.

And I will say though that our audience is so wonderful in that, like the, every time I work somewhere, the staff goes, God, you have the best crowds you guys. You guys get. And I'll say it because our crowds at live shows. So respectful. Podcast listeners and stand-up fans, right? But I feel like the reason I keep getting compliments from venues on the audience is because of podcasts.

Absolutely. Because I get it. I got it on this whole tour. Everywhere I go, they go, you bring in the most amazing people. Yeah. And at first I'm like, oh, you just mean like, because they laughed at the show, like they like a show. He's like, no, they're like so respectful.

Oh yeah. You know, if it's a. No heckling. They don't heckle. They, they tip well. They're, they're, they're nice. They didn't, you know, start any shit with anyone. They're just like good people.

So they're the best. And I would say that they're the type of people I actually probably would have a drink with like one on one. Generally, when I meet mommies, I'm like, oh, like you're actually a normal human being. Yeah. Be friends with you. Yeah. It's kind of weird.

But then I wouldn't because the anxiety of the social interactions too much. And you got an email about that, by the way. Well, you really, I swear, I go away. We talked about this one. I go away for two days and it's like a fortress. You've just built up all this ammo against me. And no, this is not against you. It says actually to the two of you, but then they kind of single you out.

Yeah. It says I've been a mommy since way back, so no disrespect, but you guys see the two of you. Yeah, but it's not about you. It is. This person really fired up. They got real fired up against me. Sounds so dumb, low and loose when you talk about retarded people.

Yeah. I'm working on my degree in teaching special ed. Work at a center for adults with intellectual disabilities and my kid has specialty. Every retard you meet is a different person with different dreams and desires, just like you retards. Okay. Yeah. Some do like white bummer movies.

Some get married. Okay. Some have jobs, live independently and yes, they drive. No, it's not pleasurable to be retarded. You sound dumb mommy Tina. I'm sorry, but no, wait a minute. Are you saying on this comedy show, this not serious show? I sound stupid.

Well, that's weird in the email. Yeah. Uh, some of my students fully understand the world around them as well as their struggle. I don't know about fully and I don't think it's fully, uh, they retarded, babe, whatever they go. People think they don't know shit and all they do is, um, masturbate and drool. Right. Shut the fuck up with this.

Oh, Sarah. Sarah. Sarah. She's got a point. Sarah. All right. Well, they're tired. Hey, I didn't, but we, we, we knew that they had lives.

We're not saying they don't have lives. We did. We did. We just didn't know they could drive. That was the big, uh, surprise. Well, the drive thing. And that's all on me. I, I, first of all, I thought that your comment, um, was insane, which one that like, do they

not know that they're retarded? I wouldn't. I did. I genuinely, uh, didn't know. I didn't know that you genuinely said it, but I still thought it was crazy. But my thing was, I really didn't know if they could drive. I really didn't know that. Okay.

Well, yeah. I know I'm saying like, I'm volunteering that she's saying that like, yeah, some of them drive. Like in other words, you're stupid for not knowing that. I really didn't know that. I asked genuinely, I didn't think it was possible that I think so either with that level of disability, diminished mental capacity, which you need some mental capacity to drive. Yeah.

React. You know, read signs, whatever it is. Yeah. This is legit. What about like junction? You know what I mean? Like where things come together and you're like, oh yeah, it's a lot of rules. I mean, um, I thought that that would be more complicated for me.

I'm barely not retarded, but the, the question is to whether or not they are aware that they are retarded. Of course they are. No, no, no. We'll hear me out. Let's look at this philosophically. If you are this thing and you don't know, maybe you don't know another way of being just because you are that way.

It's just like the gaze. Does a, does a dog know that its consciousness is a dog consciousness, that it's separate from that being human is different? I don't know. I feel like I want to bail you out now. An animal has different consciousness, retarded person with different consciousness. Letting me help you. I don't care.

I really don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck. No, not really. Zero fucks given. About what? About whatever. If somebody's upset that I, I, you know, if I have a genuine, I'm telling you how come, how come, why, why come, why can't I be curious about this?

You can be curious. You can be curious. This is fun. Oh, somebody says you're cheating. Cheating. How? I'm furious. This person writes, I'm not going to take it any longer.

Christina Pachitsky routinely cheats at would you rather no stop and her husband, Tom allows it because of sexism and nepotism and Obama. It is an outrage and a tragedy on par with the worst crimes in history. She's basically pull pot and the options in would you rather are poor and skinny or rich and fat. Yeah. You cannot say you'll choose skinny and find a rich guy. No, no.

Why? The option is skinny and poor. So even if you did find a rich guy, you would not be able to enjoy any of his money or the trappings of his wealth. You would remain in a shed in the backyard like a proper poor person. How dare you allow this cheating to continue? How dare you? I demand reparations.

Yours forever in love. Bert, but Shinsky. Wow, Bert. That's a, that's a really good point. It's a good point. You made a good point. Thank you for bringing that to our attention. Yeah.

You're like, I'll just find this way. That's the whole point of would you rather is to find the caveat, the loophole, Yana. I went to law school for two weeks. No, because you're present. You're like, you're skinny. Like this is your life or this is your life, which life and you're like, well, you do it this way. There's always a work around in life.

Don't you get it, Tom? No, that's not how what you rather works. I think your honor would send you to the hole for 30 days just for pitching this idea and come on. That's all. That's how you play the game. You have to find your work around. I have another email critical of you.

Oh my fucking crap. Who's picking these emails? I leave for two days and all of a sudden it's how much I suck. Who's picking the email? Hey Hitler, I've known as Christine says plenty of, can I say something? Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yeah.

Because he never listens. Tom never listens to me. Can I just say? Yeah. Do you think this is the Midwest or mom translation of, you know what I'm saying, you feel me or you know what I mean? Finished and done shorty George PS chef John might as well be a member of the Wu-Tang clan because he ain't nothing to fuck with.

Wow. I didn't still upset about making fun of you. I did not know. Can I tell you why? Yeah. Can I tell you why I say, can I say something? You're right. Because you just talk right over me.

You've done it this episode like two or three times. Oh, come on. Yeah. Yeah. Listen to the tape. I have to interject. Otherwise I can't get my fucking thought in there. You really feel that way?

Hello. Now, why am I saying? Can I say something? Because it's always because you don't let me. You move on. See, like right now I'm talking to you and you're looking at the sound board to look at the next thing. No, but I'm still listening to you.

No. I am. Can I say something? Can I just say something? The thing is we watch Sesame Street and what does Cookie Monster learn to listen with whole body? Whole body. Whole mind.

Eyes. Body. Watch. Yeah. Eyes watch. Ears listen. Ears listen. Body.

I can still listen to you. No, not fully. Cookie Monster listen. Why does it have to be exactly that way? Can I do it? Would you rather real quick? You want to do it? Would you rather?

Yeah, go ahead. Just go for it. It's simple. It's not, it's not too complicated. Okay. Okay. Would you rather live in a courtyard Marriott? Where you did.

Where I did. Yeah. It's like those, for those of you who don't know what that is, it's a Marriott that you can actually, like it has a kitchenette, bathroom, you know, like kind of like living in a, in a crummy apartment. Yeah. Okay. That's your living situation.

Tiny communal pool, maid service, or it's an RV. You live like, like I did on road rules, road rules life RV. Now, keep in mind the RV, yes, you can park in RV parks. You can't really park in RV just anywhere. Don't think you can't. And if you take a shit in that RV, you have to unload the sewage system in it. Yeah. But I think like you could, you could learn that pretty quickly, right?

Yeah. But it still stinks and it cooks in the summertime, the shit. I mean, maybe now it's better, but back in the nineties, that's how it was. Hmm. But so wait, what is the, how long are we living in each situation? The rest of your life. So you're either living at the courtyard Marriott or in the, in the RV. Yeah.

But it looks like with the RV, you have mobility. Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, let's change it up. So let's change it up. No, no, no, I'm making the courtyard Marriott more appealing. You can live at any courtyard Marriott location. Oh.

Now, as you know. Can you have one built just for you? No, but I'm saying like, if you go, let's say you go, oh, I can, I want to live in, you know, New York city and they don't have one. Can you say New York city? No, it has to be an existing location. Okay. And as you know, the locations are generally across from like a nice Chili's or maybe

down the street a mile from a red lobster, generally not a sidewalk in front of it. So you're usually on a busy highway, the views are of parking lots, things like that. Um, I think I would still choose the RV because you can move it. You can drive it. Right. That's part of the appeal to me. So I think I would, I would get, um, I would get comfortable. I would learn how to dump my sewage and maybe real stinking.

I'm sure it is. I'm sure it's terrible. Um, that's the only thing I asked Brian Regan, by the way, because he has a tour bus, a really nice tour bus. That was your first question. Yeah. I go, the rules on tour buses is like no shits. Like, right?

It's always like, I was like, no shits, you know, you piss in here, but you can't shit in here. And I go, so isn't that, he goes, well, no, I, I shit. And I said, well, he didn't say, he actually was like, no, I can't. I go, well, so doesn't your whole bus smell like shit then? Yeah. And he goes, no, cause it's like, they have new technology now where it's like this grinding thing and it's like a whole, he goes, I wouldn't get one if I couldn't take it down.

He was like, this is all you want to talk about? Cause I kept talking. Well, it's fascinating because airplanes, they have to unload the septic tank too after every flight. And if you ask anybody that tours, that is like the, one of the first things it's always like, Hey, especially if it's a group, you know, a band touring or friends, you're like, we are not dumping here. No.

Yeah. You can't, you can't have five guys constantly shitting on your tour bus. Forget it. And see, now here's the other thing with the RV park that are the RV that you don't maybe not think about as a professional I've lived on when you can't, like I said, you need electricity to plug into at night. So you're not, you're not parking your trailer necessarily in just in front of any residential street cause someone will call the cops.

You have to go to RV parks to plug in, to get your amenity to shower. You know? Yeah. Now RV parks sometimes are not that nice. You're, you're amongst special different people. Yeah. Some of them are nice in Australia. Like some of them were super nice.

Like there's one in Malibu that overlooks the ocean. It's like a million dollar RV park. Elitist. Yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah. Not LA. So anywhere that's not LA, who knows what the situation will be like, you know?

That's true. That's true. How do you feel about tour bus? Would you do it? Yeah. Yeah. So do you think you are though the, can I say something? Can I just say something champ?

Oh, let me guess. Cause is there a super cut? No, there's not. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting. There's not. Preparation for today's shit on Christina episode.

There wasn't a super cut man. There's not a shit on Christina episode. Sure is. How? It sure feels like it. People like my personality. Nelson is a shit on Christina episode. I just, you've just been really, you know, you, I think you're a little angry that I left

you this weekend. No, no. A little vindictive. A little vindictive. That's just a little bit of you right there. It's not me. You don't say. That's you.

You know what I'm saying? That's you. You don't say. You know who the, you know, champ is? It's a kid from Harvard. He's a hockey player. Tyler, thanks for being here. How about the keys to the game and facing Duluth tomorrow?

Yeah, I think, you know, the main thing is just going to be managing the environment. Obviously, we've got a great opportunity here and, you know, a lot of fans and Tyler Moyn and everything, but, you know, just managing that. And what's been the key to this role here and, you know, to, you know, to create that kind of culture where, you know, we hold each other accountable, you know, and to, you know, really get up for big games. And I think that that's been something that we've been able to draw from. And, you know, like I said before, we've got a great opportunity here.

You know, you know, we've, you know, we've got, you know, but, you know, to, you know, you know, you know, this, you know, like, you know, you know, right now I'm just trying to say. Not a communications major, I'm guessing. You know, you know, we've, you know, we've obviously got a great opportunity here. Cool. Wow. So we had an Ivy League.

Yeah. You know, that's a big, that's a big step. We never had a Harvard one. No, we haven't. That's a, that's quite a unique thing to have a Harvard level, you know, champ. Very special. Can I, you know what I'm saying? Just say, you know, I'm saying that thanks to everybody that downloaded mostly stories,

the album, you, you made me number one on iTunes and I got the physical copies. I signed a bunch of them today and they're at the, in the store. So if you want an autographed hard copy of the album, it has two bonus tracks. I put that in the store. It's in the store right now. I also went to re-sign or sign the remaining glass and posters. I like that one. So if you wanted the glass and poster, it's autographed the, the rest of them, I autographed

the rest. You certainly offered me an autographed copy of mostly stories. Thank you for that. Yeah, I did. I offered you that. It's really neat. And, and I keep getting asked, everyone says vinyl, what about vinyl? There is going to be a vinyl release in June of mostly stories.

So if you're waiting for vinyl, I'll announce it a big thing then, but it is going to be in June and that'll come with a little side, a little present with it. Oh, a present. Hey, do you want to hear my new foreign voicemail? Is there any way we could listen to it? Yeah. You can hear it. Set, tell me which voicemail it is.

Let me just make sure it's the, it can't, it can't transcribe it, Apple. That's fine. That's fine. It's the top one. The top one? The two on three number. Okay. Yeah, I got a brand new, looks like I have a brand new Salome because we lost her.

Salome's gone. Yeah. Oh yeah. Salome finally figured it out. I think so, but now I've got a new one, which is kind of exciting and I hope it keeps up. Yeah. I hope so too.

I should have it here in a moment. Salome. Someone weighed in here. I think my counsel weighed in on the pilot blow job offer. Oh, Jesus. You had your, you, you retained counsel to, to negotiate with me. Right. Right.

Right. So this is the email that I think your counsel received. Okay. Dear Mrs. Pajitski, this is the water champ, personality champ, pretty much everything champs representation. We have picked up Mr. Segura on a pro bono basis because of said championess and such. Find that he is fully deserving of everything he wishes and such now down to brass tax. We counterpropose since the main mommy has to do something he doesn't wish to do refrain

from obtaining his pilot license. So should you in likeness after all justice is eye for an eye. All I'm sure as I'm sure Mr. Segura is sickened by the fact that he'll be missing out on his license and the 40, 40 hours of instruction we counterpropose that you must watch and listen to 40 hours of vomiting and try to be completed and no later than one year time. Furthermore, you must listen and watch vomiting and dry heaving for at least two hours per year thereafter to counterbalance all the splendors that Mr. Segura will be missed by being not becoming a pilot sincerely.

Don't frown white, brown and associates while your counsel's really got a stupid argument. Well let's see what your counsel replies with. Now here's what I'm thinking. You are in the midst of negotiating for the blow job pilot license and we know that there's going to be a lot of back and forth and no one's going to settle on the first offer. Wondering if we could throw this into the mix as well. Introducing the Model 1 service droid from Arlen Robotics, engineered to perform the most intimate, pleasurable human interaction, discreetly at a price you can afford.

Yeah, and this way you don't have to do as much, right? Does she get to wear the hiking boots and the rain here? Whatever you want to put her in. I love that parka, that winter wonderland blow job. Why the rain boots and the parka? I think it's probably because it's hard to get blow jobs out of ladies after a long hike. Is that why?

I think that, because if you go like, let's go on a hike and camp and then it's like, oh man, we just hiked all day and you're like, hey, can I get that BJ now? She's like, I'm tired. Pretty tired and pretty dirty. I'd really like to, you know, can we wait till we get back to civilization? Yeah. And you're like, oh, it's a pitch all into the fucking excuse. Yeah, that camping fantasy is top on the U-Porn stuff.

But when you strip all that stuff away, all you got is this, so, you know. I'm not as sexy. The droid features a fully adjustable body, hiding in plain sight disguised as a cushion and model robot warrior. It's designed to be assembled in seconds. All it takes is a folded blanket over the body. Oh yeah, there you go. The outer clothing garment of your choice to create a model so realistic.

And gloves too. It will feel like another human in the room with you. Oh boy, that is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Ah, really? I thought it was so joyful. Fingertip control allows speeds ranging from gentle foreplay to a punishing 120 cycles per minute. Punishing.

But with enough system latency to be safely stopped with a simple hand. The soft, flexible entry gives smooth access complete with semi-hard teeth, the tongue and throat contours. Oh there she is. It's a realistic experience. Gosh. It seems like a lot. Isn't that funny?

This is all we think about. Yeah. Men use their intellect to create things to make them come. That's how the internet was developed. It's just, I need to come. I need to come, man. It's pretty maize. Just glassing.

It's really disturbing. An internal tubular system allows free flow of air that promotes unrestricted movement. The exit tube can be covered with a fingertip during use to provide toe curling suction on demand. Oh, so you can, it's like hitting a bong. You know? Like a pipe. Right.

You just cover up the air there. I'm so disturbed. The up to 100% human hair is attached securely, flowing directly from inside the model scalp. This can be washed, shampooed, ironed, cut or styled any way desired. Plunging your fingers through the thick, luxurious, soft hair. Beautiful. Forget hard plastic containers, vibrating balls or rings that provide such a natural sensation. Nothing can imitate that gentle, rhythmic caressing motion, the head on the chest.

It kind of makes you sad a little bit though. What are you talking about? I mean, it is the happiest doll ever. For how many people are like, fucking finally. You know? How many? I just want them to find someone. But what's the price tag?

I mean, that's, that's got to cost like 10 grand. That looks like it's expensive. Super expensive. Reasonable. We didn't get to the real price because my, my thinking is if you can pay for that, why not just pay for an actual woman to do that for you? That's a good point. Yeah.

I guess I said this thing, you know, you can just have it for, you don't have to call again. Here's the thing. It's like, you can wash this hair. First of all, you know dudes aren't going to wash her hair and they're not going to clean out the mouth. That's the problem. That's the real problem.

Yeah. They're going to nut in that thing and they'll be like, oh, no, it's growing mushrooms. Why is it rotten? Yeah. Why does it smell so bad? It smells. Oh. Oh.

Yeah. It's not really. No, no. You can't really trust men with this sort of technology. I feel like this is not a good idea. That smells is going to be horrible. No. Here's the, here's the real, here's what you need.

A service. Yeah. Really? It smells bad. That's what I'm saying. Well, here's a service that needs to happen. There needs to be an app and you can order the machine to be delivered and then taken away.

You can just jizz in it and then you leave it out front, like in a hotel when you leave the, the takeout with the dining services stuff, just throw it out. I'm done. I'm done. Yeah. That's the service. Disposable one of these. That's another.

Yeah. Disposable heads. You take the head, you throw the head in the trash and then garbage comes on Monday and they're like, there's six female doll heads in the trash with their mouths open, the eyes are, uh, and there's cum just dried all over them. That's the solution. Yeah. Crazy weekend.

Jesus. Feel better though. Feel way better. Right. Yeah. That's the solution. Um, there's no way that dudes are maintaining that thing's hair and mouth now. No, no, guys are real, real fucking animals.

Yeah. Come on. Especially the guy that's going to do that. You think he's a real neat freak, real socialized person. No. Thinks about stuff like that. Hell no. Hell no.

No. He's cutting up cats in a basement somewhere. Oh yeah. For sure. Going on here. What's going on here? So what did I want to play for you? Oh, you had an email to read.

God damn it. No, you were going to read an email. All right. For once. You said that you read an email and. Well, look, for once in, in my life, being an asshole really paid off and I'll show you why. Yeah.

Tell me why. See my wonderful demeanor, I've saved lives as it says here, mommy Tina saved my life. Wow. Yep. My dearest mommies, nothing but love T buns, but this email is about how my main mommy Christina saved my life. I can't reference the episode, but Christina made a comment then changed my life. I am paraphrasing and I'm far too lazy to find the episode, but a comment was made that

if you are 400 pounds, you either need to get your life or go for a world record. At the time I heard this, I was 406 pounds. Wow. Wow. In the heat of the moment, I hated her for the comment. That opinion quickly changed after a good night's sleep. I couldn't shake her words and decided for the first time in my life, I was going to make a positive decision.

I decided that I didn't want to be one of these fat fucks that needs to be fork lifted out of their home after a series of heart attacks and decided to actually do something about it. That morning I joined a weight loss program for men. Huge shout out to Harvey Brooker in Toronto there, couldn't have done it without you started to take my diet seriously and got off my ass and started working out. At the time of this email, I am pleased to say that I am now down 100 pounds and pushing for 100 pounds more.

I send this email to simply thank Christina for the inadvertent motivation to get my shit together. She honestly extended my life by making an off the cuff remark and is directly responsible for improving my quality of life. That's incredible. I'm only my more active, confident and a straight up pussy slayer, but my dong looks significantly bigger and I can fuck for a straight three minutes without breaking a sweat. There you go.

Congratulations. Let's see. What's his name? Johnny. Johnny, congratulations. Thanks, Johnny. That is great. You're down 100 pounds.

A succulent Chinese mayo. That's fantastic. That's amazing. 100 pounds, dude. Congratulations, Johnny. You said this is the shit on Christina episode. It's the celebrate Christina episode. Sure.

Yeah, I mean, you know, sometimes I just even with drop pearls, you know, your sour personality. You helped that guy out. I would say because I help people, I have the better personality and definitely a personality champ. Well, somebody did nothing but helping people right in. Here is the real champ breakdown. Oh, Jesus. Listen here, you greedy mommies.

You both can't be the champs of everything. So I went and did you as a favor and broke it down. I listened to your podcast in the car and when I get carts of at food line, so I got this shit. Okay. Burp champ. This is Tom wrong. This is evident throughout the podcast.

He has variety volume and that oh, so perfect pitch F. A. R. T. Champ. Christina. Thank you. Listen, Tom had that one fart on the mic. He did recently that was immaculate, but mommy team Tina seems to have her farts down. Thank you. Water champ Tom wrong. I shouldn't even have to explain this one.

We know he downs gallons of water every day and even Joe Rogan does a witness to his water madness. Right now. Personality champ Christina. She just seems Pfizer Pfizer. She just seems nicer. I am. I don't know.

Fuck you. That's what he wrote on that. There you go. I am nicer. Glass and champ Christina. Thank you. I know this hasn't been brought up. Thank you.

But come on. Tina is always writing down notes. Thank you. Very observant, which is a necessity for glass and if I miss the championship, please let me know and I will analyze the evidence. Thanks for the show. Love you. I'm motherfucking tight.

Davis. Now, we never brought up the glass and champ discussion, but I like it. I'm definitely way more observant than you. That's like you are not. Oh, I'm so observant. No, you're not. You miss everything. No.

Literally everything. You're not observing. I'm so much more observant of my surroundings. I know what's happening. You don't pick up all things. I pick up on stuff all the time. You're you're really. I pick up on that.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I don't like a nail to the head, but like you don't pick up on subtle cues. You don't pick up on little behavior nuances of voice of inflection of saying this and they meant that the looked you don't pick up on any of that. I just like, I care for a toddler a lot and I pick up on what he needs. He can't talk. Yeah.

I'd say I'm very sensitive. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, look at you. All of a sudden I'm staying at home dad for two whole days and I don't, I'm the mom champ. I don't think you're the very observant person. I'm so much more observant.

Oh, there he is. Yeah. He's our guy. He's doing new food videos. He drenched like pizza and ranch. Yeah, pizza and ranch. It's not bad. It's good.

Yeah. He's fatter definitely. He sounds like he's in public. There's like. Sure is. It's weird to make this video in public, right? Well, maybe that's the new thing, you know. He always evolves.

And he's letting a strip on his shirt. We're listening to King Ass Ripper eat, by the way. He's like, there's some fried chicken. He's definitely in a public setting. Yeah. Yeah. You can hear that there's people around. Yeah.

It's kind of weird that he would do this in public. He's showing the gut. Wow. He's just stuffing food in those. It's hard to watch him eat. I know. Honestly, I'm not really into the eating videos as much as I like the farts and the burps. I don't like it because I feel like he's getting.

Yeah. He's really crazy. Interesting. He's eating. Fascinating. He's burping with a full mouth. Fascinating. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. Making eye contact with the camera. Oh, look. Is that a restaurant? Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's in a restaurant. Oh, he got like the back table.

Yeah. Good thinking on that one. Okay. Leaving the buffet now. Leaving the buffet now. So he went to a buffet. So he's still making videos. Yeah.

God bless him. I miss him. I know. I'm glad he's back. I didn't see him not wearing tidy whiteies. I know. It's weird to see him out in public. I didn't think he did that.

Yeah. I thought he just stayed in his basement all the time and just farted on stuff. Yeah. Farted on credenzas and such. I feel like that's like old now. That's just, it's not the same anymore. Well, he evolves. He's an artist.

He changes. You can't expect him to stay the same. Somebody wrote, thanks for making me dream. I am pleased to inform you that for the first time in my entire life, I had a dream. I had a dream about taking a shit. And it's all thanks to you. Oh, wow. Listening to episode 392 on a long, late car ride home last night, I got home.

I promptly fell asleep and had a very involved dream in which I was a young, I was in a yoga class and had to make brown. The toilet was in the middle of the class for some reason. And not only did the instructor call my attention to my shitting, but I was so embarrassed that I went to wipe with my bald up TP and absolutely got shit on my hand. I've been a lifelong toilet paper water up until today. You've gotten into my psyche inception style. And now I feel I can finally get my life.

Thanks, jeans. Caitlin. Wow. I wasn't even expecting that to be your lady. No, me neither. That was a lady. No. Yeah.

Or maybe it means Caitlin. Maybe it's. The Caitlin. Maybe. Which is obviously still a lady. I didn't mean to suggest anything. Oh my God. Save the hate.

So offended. Please. Please save the hate mail. Oh my. What's your pronoun? What's your pronoun? Okay. Anything else, Jean?

No. Thanks for whoever came out to see me and thank you to those who will come out to see me. Absolutely. Go to 1000 Ranch.com to get tickets to see Christina. Tom, cigarette.com for my live dates. Also my store is there. If you want to pick up anything I mentioned, there's some. So excited.

I might even listen to, uh, is it mostly stories? Yeah. I have two bonus tracks. Really? So there's, there's material. Can you say what they're about? I recorded them in Chicago when I did the Chicago show. Where?

Chicago. And what are they? Can you give me just one is the follow up to that? So in the special, I talk about meeting Mike Tyson. Yeah. And he always gave me like, but email me what happened next. So I tell the follow up story. Oh, that's fat.

That's wonderful. You should have said that earlier. That's exciting. So you give, give kind of the, the insider scoop on, on the whole thing. Yeah. Because I end the special with the phone hanging up and then like, well, what happened next? And I tell the story. Okay.

And then the other thing is I talk about, um, I talk about making a murderer. Your life story. Yeah. The Netflix, uh, show. Very cool. Well, that's exciting. Very exciting. Very nice.

Um, yeah. Uh, so Tom's girl.com go to the store or you can download the album. If you want or Lord stream it. I don't know. However you do it. Um, the glass and poster at your mom's house podcast.com. Please don't forget to check that out. Amazon, please do your shopping using our banner.

Go to your mom's house podcast.com. Click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage. Do your shopping as you normally would. As always, I remind people that there is YouTube, uh, of this. If you want to watch the show, people seem to not know that for some reason. Um, And I'm always going to solicit that you write a review of the show on iTunes. So if you don't mind just write a review of the show,

only five and jeans it up, make some jeansy write ups about it. Check out that's deep row too. If you're so inclined, I actually am very nice on that show and help people with their lives, help people get their lives. Even with a sour personality, she's doing good work. All right. Uh, thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.

Here is champion of the wall by Ramsey McQueen. We don't give a damn. We don't give a fuck. We don't give a fuck. We are tired of looking at people. And I've been lying in front of you. We depend below the ad. And they throw stuff in their booths.

We is now important. Champion of the wall. Champion of the wall. Champion of the wall. Champion of the wall. Champion of the wall. Champion of the wall. Champion of the wall.

Champion of the wall. I'm here to fuck y'all. Touch y'all no. Trump's just taking over now. Feel the step, as you can see. Wall is getting high. I'm called Ramsey. Ramsey.