Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 400-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: June 14, 2017

It's here in all its glory - episode 400 of Your Mom's House! And finally we face the question that has been bugging us all - will Christina BaBoey Chusay Oh Tom's B-Hole? A real conversation takes place.  PLUS, will Tina start a side business in a shed?  Is there someone out there who laughs as hard as Top Dog at awful jokes?  We have those answers and more! Pull em up!

Gene. Yes. Big deal coming right here. The podcast, your mom's house, live July 9th at the Sperm Vine Improv in Irvine, California. We're going to be doing this live in front of an audience. Oh my goodness. Come if you will, July 9th to the Irvine Improv and watch the podcast live. It's also happening August 23rd at the Breastballs Beach Improv in West Palm Beach, Florida. So those are two improvs, different coasts, about a month and change apart. Get your tickets now. You can go to TomSugarra.com slash tour. Scroll down and you can see links for both of those. Even bigger news is that your very own Gene is going to be recording a special, shooting a special in just a few weeks. She has one more tune

up week. That's right. I'm running it this weekend. Last call, San Francisco at the punchline June 16th and 17th. And then absolute last call at Flapeyre's in Sperm Bank in the Yuhu room on the 22nd. Burp Bank. Burp Bank. Burp Bank. And then the 24th, if you want tickets to my live taping in Seattle, June 24th, go 2000 ranch.com and you sign up for this. It's like a, what is it? Not a lottery. You just sign up for a waiting list. You say that you want to be at it and then they, they send you the confirmation. Yeah. And that's it. Easy peasy. Thank you to everybody that's come out already. It's been awesome and I'm really stoked to record this bitch. I'm excited for you. It's gonna be a beast. I'm excited

for it. It's going to be a blast. I had fun this weekend. Thank you everybody. I don't go on the road again till July. I have Richmond, Virginia, then Virginia Beach, Virginia, July 11 and 12. The early Richmond show is sold out. Virginia Beach is almost sold out. Next day in Jeansboro, North Carolina at the Cone Denham Entertainment Center. What? Yeah. That has about a hundred tickets left. So if you want to come to that, you should get it now. Asheville, North Carolina is sold out. Still tickets left in Charleston, South Cacolaca. Charles has come, South Carolina. If you're in that area, I'll be there. From there, I go to Montreal to do one show only at Olympia, Just for Laughs, then Hampton

Beach, Wilmington, Delaware, and Fartenhorst, Maryland at the Modell Performing Arts Center at the Lyric. Then I go to Mum's Strelia and then there's too many tickets to list, I do get to announce finally that I'm also shooting a special in September, the 16th of September in Denver, the great city of Denver, at the Paramount Theater. There's going to be two shows. People have asked me, which are you taping? Are you out of your mind? I'm taping both as always. So either show that you go to that night in Denver, Momver, is going to be a taping night or a taping show. Look at us doing our specials, doing our specials. A lot of those shows, those that like the fall dates, they're filling up. So go to

Thomsecure.com slash tour and I'm telling you, I'm going to a lot of cities, some that I've never been to, some I'm going back to, very excited to go back to Toronto, going to Indy and Arbor, Cleveland. Like I said, Oakland, I'm going to Tejas. People keep asking me San Antonio. Yep. Fartnix. It's all there. Thomsecure.com slash tour. Get your tickets. Go to 1000Ranch.com and get tickets to see Chris Jeanza in Manfran Disco and in Meat Rattle. All right. All right. All right. And real quick before we let you go, please visit your mom's house podcast.com. Click on the Amazon banner and do the regular shopping you would do. It gives a little kickback to the show, helps us out. So whatever you were going to buy on Amazon,

just click through that banner first at your mom's house podcast.com. There's a UK and a Canadian banner, so it doesn't matter where you live, you can do it. Also, thank you to everybody that got the I'm making fitness tank top. There are men's and women's tank tops. It's a fitness shirt, it's a summertime shirt. Thank you very much for getting it. There are glasses, posters, glasses, shirts and of course, Stanema as well. People have asked me about vinyl and the answer is there is vinyl coming within the next month for completely normal and mostly stories. They're going to be very limited runs, but I didn't realize how many people really want that vinyl. So that is coming. There's a bunch of stuff.

Go to TomSugar.com, click on the store and you can see it there. Thanks again for all your support. Enjoy episode 400 of your mom's house, Jean. They are loud. Yeah, I know. I just told you that. I told you. Can you turn it down for me? Please. Please, please, please. All right, we're good. Is that good? Yeah. Thanks, Jean. You cry about that. All right. I know your diaper would be exceptionally full. A little exaggeration. Why? It's the truth. It's so loud. All right. You got to turn your bell tones down. Oh man, that's ridiculous. That's rich. We did it. Episode 400. That's crazy. I can't believe we found a way to talk about farting, pooping. You sound like one of the critics. It's not the

only thing we do here. It's amazing though, isn't it? I mean, yeah, there's a lot of stuff that goes on. Far and happy 400th anniversary. Happy 400th anniversary. Happy 400th anniversary. I can't believe it. When we started this silly show in our house in Silver Lakes, remember, we sat at the kitchen table. I'll never forget this. And we had the discussion over what to name our new podcast. Yeah. And we, I forget the other candidates, but it was basically what's the dumbest thing we could call a podcast. And we were like, oh, it's your mom's house. Where are you going? It's your mom's house. Your mom's house. Yeah. And then we got there. Yeah. Isn't that silly? It's so silly. It's so silly. I remember writing down in an old

joke book, some dumb line about opening a restaurant called your mom's house so that you could say that to somebody, like just for the purpose of that. There you go. Yeah. It's your mom's house. It's your mom's house. And here we are. So dumb. 400 episodes. I can't believe it. Living in the house that Brown built. Brown talked built. The guy that used to work in this space made beautiful music. And then we make, we make different types of music here. Different stuff, same strokes, different for everyone. The ruins the same. I'm so excited though. Yeah. What's your favorite thing we've ever done on the show? Oh, you think it's for after the break here? Oh, yeah. You know what,

I'm still caught up on that Brown story because you started to tell me a Brown story. And then I was like, wait, save it, save it. And now I'm still thinking about what happened. Of course you're thinking about it. You ready to do this? Yeah. Cause I have a good story for you too. Oh, you do? Okay. Can't wait. There you go. Let's get it started. I got mute my mom watch. Episode 400 of your mom's house. It's muted. Why is it gay for a female for well for a man to be okay with his female licking his ass during six? She fuck with your her bitch. I'm a ass looker. Don't bring anyone loving to this. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajit. Welcome to your mom's house.

Wow. 400 episodes of that opening song. It never gets old to me. I still like it. Some songs you get tired. I don't know. The sweet sound of your mom's house intro music. I love the intro. The sweet guitar licks. Oh yeah. It's absurd. Oh my God. I almost just spilled my own coffee. You did spill some. I can use this. No. Probably go ahead and do the paper. You sure? Yeah. I could see where this is going to go. Okay. Vamp for a minute. Okay. Let's see. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I could see where this is going to go. Okay. Vamp for a minute. Okay. So yeah. I love, I

can, I think I've told it on another podcast before, but Ryan Match, the match man down in Breastballs Beach, Florida, he created that opening song and a bunch of like the segment intros and I remember sending him clips of being like, here's Mr. T. Right. Here's Coach Ice and, but you know, left it to him to be creative with it. Yeah. And he came up with that. Well, because we at the time were playing that Mr. T. Clip. That was a silly one. Like anything, anything that said mom. Don't be rude to your mom. Yeah. Treat your mother right. That's good. Treat your mother right. Don't get anybody's money because they're like, your mom is so fat and he's like, whoa, whoa, don't get anybody's mother

into this stupid video. And then I went to your mom in the fucking stands and then there was, uh, who's Randy that had nothing that looks like, you know what that looks like? That's your coffee. But the, uh, uh, Randy was, uh, is Randy is Randy that was Hall of Fame, tight end for the Baltimore. Yeah. Um, I can't remember. I just drew a blank on his name, uh, but he had dementia. And, um, let me look, let me look up who it is so I can, I can tight end. It's kind of a gay name for a position in foosball, isn't it? Yeah. The tight end. Yeah. John Mackie. That's who John Mackie. And he had dementia and then his wife and he, he were being interviewed. Yeah. And then, uh, and then the guy was like,

well, what's it like living with him? Isn't she, and then she was like, it's really sad actually. It's one of the saddest things because she goes, you know, we repeat the conversations and when he asked me like, you know, or when are we leaving? I tell him, uh, Randy, who's a made up name of a mechanic is working on the car. And then, you know, that puts him off for a while. And then he asks again, like, are you ready to go? And then they cut to the interviewer and the interviewer goes, John, is Randy working on the car right now? I have to try to like get in on the thing. Right. And then John goes, Oh, it's Randy. Right. It's another hilarious scene, just like Stevie's hilarious, right? Well, you think

that's hilarious too. I think Stevie's really funny and you're really making fun of me. Really dark. You're making fun of me. It is dark, but Stevie doesn't have dementia. He's moderately touched, but he's retarded. Yeah. Stevie's special, but he's not retarded. Yeah. Stevie's got a lot of problems. Yeah. Yeah, we really, I really liked that one. And then I really liked the Todd Phillips. He drinks. Yeah. No one. She's the smartest one in the whole documentary. I know. She's the Yoda. She's like, you shouldn't be with someone that abuses you. And you're like, how does this bitch know? She's the only one that says anything. Well, then her friend that's in the bed and is even more disabled than her has even greater insight. Remember?

No, I don't remember what she said, but I do remember her. Yeah. Her friend was like, Yeah. Stevie's a piece of shit. Right. She's the only one that's flat out like, look, Stevie's a shithead. Yeah. That guy's a real shit bird. You need to get out. People gets mad. They get over it. You know, they realize stuff later on down the road. People gets mad. People gets, he always pluralizes the wrong word. People changes. People changes. See, he always gets the plural. I like when he's all people call me snake because I ain't afraid of him and nobody calls him. When you walk up to a rattlesnake, do you stand there or do you run like hell and take a chance again? Better not run. That's like, do I take a chance? Then people in or

take a chance again, stabbed in the back again. I guess that's not the people call me snake, but you get the point. How a lot of problems. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I get my name snake from. I ain't afraid of him. Never have been, except when I was a kid. Right. That would be a big part of when you, that would negate your first statement. Right. Well, yeah. I've never been afraid of him, except for the first 12 years of my life. Like a chance philosophy. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he never implies never. Right. It's either never. Look at you. Or it has been. Symbolic logic. Yeah. You don't even need to take it. You wrote that fucking book right there. Yeah. Well, it's like the Venn diagrams that those types of things

are a big part of the culture these days. The statements that don't make sense. Untruth. Yeah. They're a big part of the news. So I think we're all kind of becoming experts on things that make sense and no nonsense. It is. Can I, and I know everyone's buying 1984, the George Orwell book, but it is double plus good. It's called Newspeak in that book. And it's, there's totally in an entirely new lexicon and it's Newspeak and it's gibberish and it's double plus good. I'd rather focus on whether eating ass is gay or not. Agreed. And get to the important stuff. This lady makes a great point and it's something I really wanted to highlight this. Everyone was like, what's special about episode 400? What's going to go on? Well, this clip was sent in and

it made me think of what would be a better celebration of this podcast than if legitimately in episode 400 we can get you to open up your eyes, open up your heart, open up your mind and ultimately open up your mouth to lick my rear end. Never. It's never going to happen. Can you just, but can you just for this episode? No. No. For the episode, can you entertain the idea? Just for this podcast, entertain the idea. I mean, I guess I owe it to the listeners. There we go. For 400. See, just for you doing that, I think that there's like a need to celebrate that you just, you just, just that you're entertaining the idea. Those are celebration horns and explosions. We got the morning crew. I didn't even see that. No, no, no. But listen,

first of all, can I ask you a real question? Yeah. Is this woman going to threaten our marriage? This is wifey number two right here. Could be. Am I looking down the barrel of the next Mrs. Segura? Uh, this is just, you know what? Somebody that I want you to mirror. It's not the next Mrs. Segura, but I want you to be like, oh, I could, I could be just like this. Just listen. No, I get, I know. You're big on logic. You're big on philosophy. Just listen to what she has to say. Okay. That's all I'm asking. Can I tell you what I'm afraid of with your asshole, specifically? What? It's the heat. Yeah. It's so hot down there. The heat and the sweat and the hair. That's more than one thing. And the smells.

Geez. Well, I hear your dumps. They don't sound good. I can only deduce that the smells aren't good. I've heard you shit. I can't. I can't unknow. What? It's only smells. Okay. It's only smells. It is. It's only smells. But do you think you could get it sterile enough that I won't contract some kind of, um, anal to mouth disease? Yes. Absolutely. Sterile. Let's, let's jump on this journey together. I'm holding your hand. Let's go through this whole thing and see if, uh, this lately can convince you otherwise. Okay. Oh boy. Why is it gay for a female for, well, for a man to be okay with his female licking his ass during six? Right. She fuck with your her bitch. I'm a ass little. Okay. So right

away. Right. You know, she's saying that that's what she does. And let's see why she does it. Yeah. If my nigga would let me lick his ass, I would lick the shit out of his ass like niggas eat pussy. Okay. So right away, you know, that there's ladies out there that go really hardcore into it. Right. But they're not, she's not, she's not saying like, she goes, uh-huh. Right. But those women are mentally unstable. She seems fine. She seems really sweet. I actually really enjoy her demeanor and I like her. Yeah. I'm just not convinced she's right in the head. I don't know her well enough, but I don't think that's normal. I'm not not. Here's an interesting statement. Not that I had this fear anyways, but just

I'm saying she has. I don't think it's gay. Of course not. I don't think it's gay. Any sexual act between a man and a female, right? Um, to go on because it's between a man and a female. I agree. That's nice. And that was never an issue. Obviously for us, we didn't say this was gay, but, but that speaks to a certain segment of the population that does have that apprehension. So I just think that's a very simple thing. Well, I'm offended personally of the use of pronouns. Like she didn't, she wasn't inclusive of all the different binary right genders. So there's something out there. Yeah. I mean, but what is a female? What is a male? What is she talking about? Right. Mm-hmm. So it's, uh, it's disrespectful. Firstly.

But doing it is. It's just like the gaze. It's just like the gaze. Right. But yes, to your point, I don't think, and she's right. And I've never heard it actually expressed that way. She said it perfectly. She's speaking actually to something different. She's speaking to men who don't want to try it. She's not speaking to me. Obviously. I'm not you. I'm on my hands and knees. I'm praying the rosary. I'm making dedications to it. But the rosary she's speaking to you. But please, you sound like your mother. Hey, please, please. He told me, well, what's in it for me? What's in it for me? Let's go there. Remember the dog food ring? Yeah. What's in it? What do you want? Some material thing? I mean, absolutely. I

thought just knowing that you're blowing your husband's mind and giving him great pleasure would be enough. That only works when you're dating. That's not the same as married kid. Doesn't work that way. Really, really disappointing. Come on. Okay. Let me just think about it. I mean, I want to go to Tahiti. That's a bucket list thing. Yeah, but we're not going to do that right now. Right. Well, when Ellis is a little older and we're in the bungalow overlooking the water, the one that I want to stay in, that's when the asylik will take place. So I got to put off an asylik for possibly a decade. Come on. It's hotter there in Tahiti. That's the problem is that I'm actually making more problems for myself. Just come on. Let

me just think here. All right. What I would like. Let's be real. Let's be real. Let's be real. Put a price tag on this, on this sexual act. Let me think about what I really want. Like I said, I want to go on trips. I like trips and I'm not terribly. All right. What about materialistic? I mean, and also, by the way, if you agree to terms on this, you can't just go and be like, I did it. I did it. I did it. I'm so scared. You got to bury your, you know, would you wax it? Yeah. You promise? Yeah. Hairless. Hairless. I'm afraid. Honestly, I'm afraid of the hair and the smell that hair traps. Let's keep it honest and, and the heat. There's a lot of heat because I put my finger in there playfully,

not in there, but are in the area. Yeah. Like to pretend, spread your cheeks and it's hot. It's so sweaty. It's like a jungle. Okay. I'll get it waxed while you're gone this weekend. You're going to come back to a hairless ass on Sunday. From my birthday? Yeah. It's a birthday treat. June 18th. Oh, it's my special birthday. Yeah. I get to lick your ass. How did that happen? It's also a father's day. That's how that happened. That's what's going on. Let me think. What do you think? It's waxed. Okay. So that's out of the, that's fine. Signed off on that. What do you really want? To Haiti. I mean, come on. Fiji, a weekend to loom. I want to go stay on the beach and stare at shit. It's got to be somewhere we're

going to bring the boy right now. Oh God. It's no vacation at all. Is it? I know. How about a day where you watch the kid and I go stare at the beach? Yeah, fine. I went to Malibu or something. Yeah. Check in to some nice place alone. Just fucking. But I mean, we're talking like squat over your face. Squat. Wait a minute. Yeah. And you just, and you do just tongue swirls. Squat. Yeah, tongue swirls. I didn't agree to that. First of all, that's part of the deal. No, but I don't trust that your thighs can, I think you're going to smother me if you do it that way. Well, my asshole's going to, but not, I'm not going to. I don't trust that. You will respect me enough to not. Come on. You're

Joker. You're mean. I'm not mean. You'll smother me. No, I'll just, I'll just. No, no. I'll stand over you. I'll just kind of ease into it. And I'll just lick my ass. Lick my ass. Yeah. No, singing to you like. What about I, we do the, we do the dye dye change. That's the only way I would do it. The spread. Oh, okay. Yeah. The Manuel Uribe. Remember? So I lay on my back. Yeah. I pulled my legs. Have you changed my dye dye? And then you go to town. Yeah. I go to town. Let me listen to what she has to say. I'm just not into this, dude. I'm really not into this. I'm trying. I'm really, I'm really trying to round my brain. I, yes. And you got to be honest, fellas. It feel good to have your ass leaked. I bet

it does. Because I don't have my ass leaked by a few and she'd feel real good to me. So I know that she'd feel good to y'all. And y'all just uncomfortable because the shit feel good and it's in your ass. And you know, that's a gay spot. You know what I'm saying? I'm not, I'm not worried about the gay stuff. I know. Yeah. I don't, I don't think anything between a man and woman, I don't, who cares even if it were. I mean, I'm, I'm just honestly, I'm honestly afraid of bacteria. And you know that I am, I'm afraid of vomiting. No, no, I'm talking about ingesting fecal matter. I'm very, you know, against poopy in my mouth. It's too truthful inspection. Yeah, but you can't get that on an eyeball. Like there's

just germs, bacteria. Let's have fucking doctors right in and tell us how many fecal to oral cases they've seen. You get worms, parasites. So that's the major concern? Yes. Honestly, it's sickness that terrifies me. I mean, shit, man. That's how you get like hepatitis when you go to other countries. It's, it's fecal matter and food. So you're just going to let me live with this burning quest. Burning. To get my babuicis aeod. Babuicis aeod. Yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid we're just going to have to not. You just almost signed up for it. I didn't sign up. I'm afraid, listen, if we have doctors right in, if somebody can assure me in the medical community listening that it would not result in me getting hepatitis

or some horrific disease, then yeah, go ahead. If you tell me, it's not possible. It's fecal. It is yours is no, I'm saying after a shower, stop saying like you're like dirty. It's not, it's not finishing. I don't. Here's why, because I get leaky, but all the time I shit. This is why I started brown to shower because I make a brown and then I wipe, wipe, wipe and the brown keeps coming. And that's when I had to start. It's feel good to have your ass lit. Speaking of somebody whose finger doesn't close after childbirth. All right. This is just dumb at this point. It's not dumb. Yeah, it is. It's a valid point. It's bacteria that you shouldn't put in your

mouth. All right. I mean, aren't you afraid of that? No. No. I think your whole thing is nonsense. I think you should lick Feef's butthole. No, I'm going to have him lick mine because can we talk about the brown story? I'm dying to hear the end of it. All right. All right. Episode 400. Next. I love this intro so much. My match. Brown talk coming up.

Really talent. Yeah, it is. That actually really is talent. I mean, yeah, of course it is. Putting the train. Production plop sounds and the audio production, man. Okay. So let's start walking me through the beginning. So, oh, well, first of all, I just had an amazing weekend. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. I started in Tuxon, Arizona, 105. And they're like, just getting started. This is spring time.

And, but... Pooson? Pooson? Yeah. Pooson, Arizona. Brought Josh Potter with me. Lovely. Very funny. Super funny guy. Sweet guy, too. Yeah. Really good guy.

He, he, he killed it. Great shows. So we started there. We did the Rialto theater. So much fun. Thank you, everybody that came out. I had an absolute fucking blast there. Then the next day we went to Reno. You know, I'm feeling like you're kind of glazing over the important points. The story. What were you eating? How frequently?

We went to El Charro, a Mexican steakhouse. Sounds like a recipe for El But Blast. Yeah. Yeah. But no, I mean, it was delicious. You know, I just had meat and veggies. That's what I, that's how I get down. Yeah. And then, by the way, I worked out before every single show. Good for you. Good. That's what I do as part of my routine.

I'm in the hotel, shows in three hours. Cool. I'm going to go to the gym, spend about an hour there. Then come back, shower, get ready for the show. See, that exhausts me. Doesn't. That makes me more tired. I, that would make me angrier. It makes me awake and alert. And I feel like, oh, now I can do this.

I drink coffee around five. I get jacked. I take a couple of dumps and I watch Netflix. Oh. See, I can't, I can't do it that way. I can't lay down and do a show. I don't like it. Oh yeah. I can lay down in the green room and then get up on stage. I go from zero to 100. It makes me feel more tired. That's just the way I am. Like if I'm, if I'm laying around, I feel more tired.

If I'm active, I feel more alert. I always feel like, like when we're done making fitness, I have to take a nap. I'm just tired. Interesting. Now, the only time that I would feel that way is if it's like balls of the wall, you know, blowout workout, but I don't do that. I try to do moderate so that like heart rates up, I'm sweating, but I don't try to go like, you know,

super high intensity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so after that Reno, which I think I'd been to Reno, but I don't even remember, but we went to Reno to the Grand Sierra resort. Such a beautiful, beautiful theater, the grand theater. They, they remodeled it. Unbelievable. I mean, just such a gorgeous venue, amazing history.

They had, I guess this is one of the old school Reno casinos that has been remodeled. Sinatra had your favorite. Yeah. The greatest singer of all time. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, look at that dame at the bar. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, those legs are going on for days. So, God, he scared all day, ba-ba-ba. It's not singing. Anyway, he didn't want, it has the biggest stage,

like actual physical square footage of stage in the world. Really? Yeah. And they said it's- Did you feel it, that stage? Well, the stage that you're on has the curtain dropped and is enormous. If you go behind the curtain, there's a plane. That's bananas. They land a plane on a stage?

No, no, it's a prop. It's a prop for a play that ran for 35 years, but it's a full-size plane. It looks like a bike parked in someone's backyard because that's how big backstage is. It's not even, it doesn't even stand out. Like, whoa, it's just, it goes on and on and on. It's an enormous backstage.

Is it like a football field? It's like an airfield hanger. It's just huge. They have like, they're like, oh, that was part of a play that stopped running 10 years ago, but we just left it here and it's this enormous like fountain-like structure and they're like, we just don't know where to put it.

Anyways, then you see like a shed. It looks like a storage unit and it's all locked up and you don't even pay attention to it. And they're like, do you want to see this? And they open it and they're like, this was Frank Sinatra's room. I'm like, what do you mean his room? And they go, well, he didn't want to stay in the hotel

and have to walk over here. So they built him a room backstage so that he could eat, sleep, congregate, and then walk out and be basically on stage. That's crazy. I mean, I can get that. Imagine being Frank Sinatra famous and walking through the hotel every night.

Well, I thought it was because people would, as I said, oh yeah, so he doesn't want people to see him. And they're like, no, no, because he didn't want to walk that far. Oh, yeah, I thought it was the same thing of him being so famous that people would stop him, but I guess not.

He was just a lazy piece of shit. They didn't phrase it that way, but yeah, I think he just wanted to eat the convenience of it. Like, when's the show? Cool, I'll be here. Can I tell you that? That gives me so much anxiety. There's one club and I won't say where

because I don't want to, I let everybody know where the comic sleeps, but there's one club where they put you up in the hotel. The club is in the hotel and then your room is right behind the stage. There's a few of those that are really weird. Emotionally, mentally, you need a break. Vancouver's not bad, the comedy mix,

because that's in the basement of the hotel, but it's a nice hotel. Oh, so yeah, but it's not, I'm talking about this club, they literally put you in the room that if you open the back door to the stage, there's your room. Oh no, I don't like that.

I don't think I ever did that one. Yeah, you have. I have? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, now I remember too. Yeah, I did that once and then they asked me back and I go, guess what? I'm not staying there though. Not staying there.

So I was able to revise that deal. Well, and what's crazy is that like really famous people have done that room and have stayed in that room. It's nuts. And you're like, wait, how is that possible? And they give you a, and then that room is also the green room.

They're like, just go to your room. Right, go to your room. Yeah. Yeah, cause there is no green room. That's right. There's like a steps to the stage and then you're, it's weird. Guys, like this is not how show business works at all.

Yeah. That's pretty funny. So, but let's get to the importance that, I mean. Well, hold on. Let me finish telling you the story. I'm dying to know. I'm chomping at the bed. Amazing crowd in Reno.

I mean, fucking crazy. It was 2600 people in Reno. Yeah. I didn't know that many people lived in Reno. It was crazy. And then last night, Pachanga, I did a. Spanish word for pussy. That's right.

Let me, let me lick your Pachanga. Well, what is, what is Pinoche? Yeah, that's different. Sounds like Pachanga is actually in the tribal name of that. In other words, they are something. The Pachangas. Yeah. The Harry Pachangas.

Yeah. Yeah. So, but again, another beautiful place. They really have poured a ton of money into that place. I've seen the commercials. I've never been there. It's really nice. I made it there.

And a really, really great crowd. And Amaga Maria came. She was there last night. So I made fun of her from the stage. You know, I've been like there in my show. Yeah. The first thing when I see up, she was like, so I saw, yeah, talk, yeah, I got to talk like that.

And I go, well, you do as you're doing right now. She's like, I don't go like, oh, oh, you kind of do. Oh, she talks like really fast. She's like. She's really fast. But I don't go like, oh, oh, oh, that's what she says. Tom, Tom, I don't go like, I don't go like. But then I pointed out, I didn't say you go, oh, oh,

I just said, you're like, dah, I'll have to try to talk about it. Which she's like, I didn't say like, dah, dah, dah. Anyway, she was there. My cousin Jeanette was there, both of their spouses. We had a great night. Then we went out for dinner afterwards. Yeah.

And had a great time. So anyways, this morning, normally if they hadn't been there right after the show, I would have gotten my car and been like, I'm just going to go back home, right? Cause it's about a two hour drive, maybe a little more. But since my sister's in town, which is rare, I go, well, we should have dinner. So I go, I'm going to spend the night

because then it gets too late. So I get up this morning and I'm like, I got to get back. We got to do the podcast. You know, there's things to do. So I'm in the room and I'm like, when is this shit going to come? Hold on, back up. And I'm finally, finally getting to the part of the story

that I care about. Okay. You said you had a hotel coffee. Now is this- No, no, no, you're jumping ahead. You said I had- Jumping ahead before I get there. And you're saying, let's go back.

I haven't even gotten there yet. So I'm sitting there and I'm thinking- Stupid, huh? Stupid. I'm thinking, I got to get in my car and get back home. When is this dump going to come? I know it's, I go, is it going to come during this drive and ruin this drive for me?

Of course it is, yes. So then I go, should I try to, like it's not ready to come. Should I try to force a dump out? You know, I'm like, no, I know what I'll do. I'll make a little hotel room coffee and see if I can get the engine started. So I brew it. I'm putting stuff in my bag.

I'm packing. I'm kind of like, and then you know, you're thinking like, how long is this drive going to take? I have a sip and I'm like, you know, I could sit here for 15 minutes, drink this coffee and probably do this. But I don't want to wait 15 minutes right now. And it's not ready.

Now, may I, before we continue, may I give you my travel tip? And this is for the listeners. Whenever you're traveling, go buy the Starbucks instant coffee. Go to Starbucks before your trip or on Amazon using our banner, your mom's house podcast.

And you buy the instant packets. I'm telling you, that shit is white, it's brown lightening. You'll drink that and you're gonna shit. You're gonna shit. If that doesn't make you shit, nothing will. And that's great for travel, but continue. I should have given you some. That's what I was trying to say.

I feel badly that did not. So anyway. So you're like, do I stay, sit here, finish this cup? Yeah. No, did you finish the whole cup? No, no, no. That's what I'm saying. So I have a sip.

And I go, oh my God, like I can feel the beginning, like the oil getting greased, but it's not ready. Or do I go? Cause I want to go, I want to get back. Right. So I just go fucking. I'm leaving. I go downstairs, get the car and here's a big decision.

Well, it's not even a decision. It's actually kind of made for me. I got to put gas in the car and I go, is there a Starbucks or a coffee bean or someplace to get coffee for my drive back? I don't see one for the first half hour of the drive, which is really annoying. But then I realized that's actually doing me a favor

because if I were drinking it, I would have to dump. So I actually, now I'm like, I don't know, 10 minutes from the house, two hours plus into this drive. And I realized, oh, it's a good thing. I didn't find coffee. So I do find some when I'm like a, right around the corner from the house.

And as soon as I get in the house, I say hi to you, I have a couple sets of coffee and then boom, ready to go. And it was like a nice four. That's interesting. Do you want to, what's interesting is that when I travel and I go to Barstux and I get a double tall soy latte,

it doesn't make me shit anymore. It's not strong enough. Oh yeah, because that's mostly soy milk. Double tall? Yeah. Yeah, it's mostly soy milk. It doesn't make me brown. You got to go for the fire, man.

You got to get some of this espresso. Expresso. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Can I share my story with you, please? Sure. I mean, you just go, I'm moving along.

Like nobody else has a brown story to share as long as no one else is talking. Yeah. Oh, well, okay. So anyways, last night I made eggplant and I ate a whole, almost a whole eggplant to myself. And then I went to sleep. And I didn't have any farts all night,

which for sure is like eggplants. Yeah. Eggplants make me fart so bad. Yeah, I know that for sure. And I didn't have any kind of farts and I was like concerned a little, like what does that mean? Does it mean that, like can you make your body immune? I don't think so.

No, because I eat Brussels sprouts now and I don't really get as many farts as I used to in the beginning. So anyways, you know, I'm serious. I think you can build a resistance to the food that gives you the farts and you get less farts over time. So I'm having like no farts.

And then this morning I drank my coffee and I took the biggest shit of my life. I mean, it was so much brown. And I thought, isn't that weird though that I didn't have any like. Very good, very good. Yay. But I didn't have any warning shots.

Like there was not nothing to indicate. So what's your theory on this? Cause it sounds really interesting so far. What's your? My theory is that I've grown it. You can build an immunity to fruit. But you're not having that every day. Eggplant.

Not every day, but I've had it enough to build an immunity, you know? It's like, when you take a little bit of the poison every day, your body builds an immunity to it. Interesting. I don't know if I believe that, but. I do. No, I believe that in theory.

I used to believe that that theory applies here. Cause it's not like you're like constantly eating this stuff for you to build the immunity. I did enough. You think so? I do. Brussels sprouts to dried apricots. Those made, used to make me fire really bad

and they really don't do that anymore. Okay. I'm in the shed. Yeah. There's a reason. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. I think I found out her reason. That's why she's in the shed. Geez. Interesting. I have a bunch of girls here. If you see my regular sites, you'll see there's suddenly all kinds of pictures of

me and other girls and videos. It's going to be shilling up very shortly. Other girls and I. I'll be here this weekend. Yeah. We're taking videos and the problem is, I got kicked. You hear the rooster growing?

That's the problem. What would have taken for you to go down this path, you think? Not a lot. Like how close could you have been to like, oh, there's videos on my site and you're just like, they're going to be up soon with me and some other girls. I have gas.

And then you turn on, you fart into a camera. 2009 could have happened. You think so? Like had nothing picked up for us. Yeah. I mean, we were. Us. I wouldn't be with you if this was going on. I'm saying you're alone for sure.

You wouldn't support me in my business venture? Definitely not. No, no, no. Well, I mean, 2008, we were at our brocus. We'd be no money. Yeah. Newly married. I mean, this is easy money, dude, as far as I'm concerned. Okay. No, I think no.

Dude, easy. I'm not married to this. I mock this on our podcast. I'm not married to it. You know how fucking I could do this in a. Let's say 2007, instead of getting engaged, we break up. A year later, are you in a shed farting into a camera? Yes.

Well, possibly because look, when I married you, I mean, I had just transitioned into being a full-time feature act. I had no money and I leaned in on you and, you know, we, because of you had a show would have been like, Hey, you, you know, you're a pretty girl. You ever think about other ways to make money and you're like, Oh my God, no, come buy my shed this week. And don't forget to eat plenty of eggplant for you.

Where your pajama bottoms too. That's a weird choice to pajama bottom. She eats veggies. Yeah. And those are swollen. So yesterday I thought, you know, we're being healthy. I made a whole bunch of vegetables. It's a rooster.

Yeah. I'm not sure that was the best idea because now she's a Christian at least. Do you see her cross? Yeah. Ah, so she's smelling a hundred dollars with that fart. I know. How much do you think she gets?

But she, she's in the veggies just like you blonde, healthy, big cans. Just like you. Healthy diet guys. I could do, I could so do it. It's really not a big deal. Okay. I'm going to go try to go back to the party and put an outfit

on and do some pictures. Yeah. I might be back though. Cause I don't think this is real. I love that she got up on her tippy toes for that one. She got up. She was like, Oh. I wouldn't do it that way.

I would make mine more playful the way King Ass Ripper does. I create more scenarios, more oopsies. Oh yeah. Different locations. The shed is not exciting to the viewer. I don't like the shed that she's out there making that like this, uh, yeah. I don't like the shed aspect of it.

Listen, I know. Oh my God. Yeah. I like that lady. I would, I would be a little more fine about it. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Yeah. Oh my God. I know that she's like, can you believe it? Oh my gosh. I'm so embarrassed. Oh my gosh. Now in a response, we came up with a very serious topic

discussion. We normally don't get the serious on the show, but we were wondering what do you call it when you have to dump, but only a fart comes out. Yeah. That was a big, big conversation that started last week. A number of them came in here. Oh wait.

Can I get you one that I've gleaned from Twitter? Sure, sure. Okay. At real big Kong writes, a no shit, but a fart should be called a Chinope, shit and no combo. All right. So again, just to make people clear on this. Sure.

We've said that when you think you're going to fart and you, and you shit, it's a chart, but what about when you think you're going to shit and you only fart? Why isn't there a word for it? Right, right, right. Okay. This one is from at Geryl B, dump fake, ghost shit, countershit, shartlatan.

I like that one. I like that one a lot or imposter. That's funny. All strong suggestions. I like countershit or shartlatan. I'm kind of leaning towards shartlatan. I had an imposter. Imposter.

Pretty funny. Okay. Just watch the latest episode, mommies. This is from at secretmoves MMA. What if the opposite of shart was farsh, which also sounds like farce? Yeah. I mean, that's a suggestion.

A foop. I heard that one. That's not bad. Someone said there's a seduce, a pseudo-duce. A pseudo-duce, that's good. At Chase Leopard writes, when you think you're going to shit and you only fart, it's a sharent.

That's pretty good. Somebody said there's no word combos for this. It's just simply a solid fart. Or just a disappointment. A brown downer. Oh, I like a brown downer. That came in, Rachel from Portland. Good one, Rach.

Yeah. Somebody calls it a Macbeth. Macbeth. Yeah. It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Very good. Douglas said that.

Like that. Moms, when you go to take a shit, it only turns out to be a toot. It's called a shoot. Oh, I like that. Harder. Tibs said it's a pooltergeist. Wow, I like that one a lot.

Ectopuzim, spirit poo. This one said, you're not taking a shit home when you're frowning. Fart failed plus brown. Frown. That's Kate, the resident fart channel. Thank you for all your... Can I say where I'm leaning?

I like pooltergeist a lot. Pooltergeist is really funny. Shartleton, and I like Imposter. That's really good. It's really hot in here too, because it's like the 90 outside today. And yeah, so I'm in a room that's been closed all day, so it's a shed.

Yeah. Storage. How much money could she make? It's really hot in here. $50 a video to ruin your life. That's a thing. Is it really worth it? Oh, gosh.

Is it really? I think she might be pushing a little too hard at this point. I heard it. Because I think she's gotten a few out. She's like, I gotta get a few more out, and the body's like, um, there's gonna be a little extra on the end of this one. That sounded like, God.

You think she gets paid? All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Oh, nasty as hell.

She's all winded. Yeah. All right. My work here is done. Oh. Can you hear that? It's like growling out of my tailbone. Tailbone?

Oh, that stinks. God, it's like rotted broccoli. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck. Ugh. I mean, how much could she make?

Seriously. I don't know. Ugh. I mean, $50 a video, dude. In this second. Because there's gotta be multiple, you know, viewers, guys that, so you think they're paying, you don't think they're paying $50 each.

Oh, so it's a subscriber based thing. I don't know. I'm trying to guess, like to figure out, like if she's putting this up somewhere, and she's obviously speaking to an audience, group of people that are used to coming there, maybe they pay, I don't know, $10, $20 each. Well, the demand to put out content.

I mean, she's really gotta be farting every day. Every other day. So now I'm rethinking being married to you if you're doing this. Now I'm thinking maybe this is a good idea. I'm thinking of the potential. What's the pros, just the sheer volume? Yeah, yeah.

As long as we can get a decent, because you're just, the upfront costs are just the food to make you fart. That's it. And I already know what makes me fart. See, there's a thing, there's no trial and error. 40 years of doing this, I mean, I've been in this game long enough.

I know it works for me. What do you want to call the site? Fartmistress. Oh, that's probably taken, I'm sure. Want to look? Yeah. Fartmistress 40, because then I combine like the milf genre and the fart.

Yeah, no, I mean. What? Fartmistress. Did you mean fartmistress? Yeah, I meant it. Mistress fart porn, two mistresses. Yeah, but there's not fartmistress.com. Is what I'm saying.

Fartmistress 40, yeah. Because then it combines the milf and the fart genre together. Yeah, you're right. I think that's smart marketing. Mistress. The farting milf, that's another one from a marketing standpoint.

No, I typed it in as URL. No results for fartmistresses. Hello, I mean, buy it up now. Well, now someone's going to buy it. BlueBand, but Fartmistress. Fartmistress is here. Now, how much content do I have to put out? Is it once a week or daily?

Like how do these porn sites work? Tell me. I don't know. I don't know how that stuff works. Oh, sure. I don't know how the uploading content. You need to ask our friend Yoshi. He knows all that stuff.

Oh, right. But I mean, to keep my subscribers engaged and happy. I would think at least a couple of week. Right. And then I have to tweet the videos. But then you're just giving away for free, right? Teaser, she's going to do a little teaser. Yeah.

See the whole thing. Well, that's the thing, that the teaser is the whole show. Pretty much. I mean, a fart is only a few seconds. We could be, the teaser could be like, oh, guys. Some big ones coming. See, that's what I worry about in that genre is it's so limited creatively.

Like how many setups can you? Why don't we get more creative with it? But I mean, it's like, oh, I have to fart so bad. We need to really think of a way to reinvent the fart mistress genre. Yeah, that's true. I mean. What if it's an accidental thing?

We set up these scenarios where I'm at jury duty and then I'm like, oh my God, I have to fart so bad. I'm afraid to let it out. And you're like, just let it out. And then I fart in public and stuff. Could that be a genre? That could be a genre. Yeah, of course.

What about the car fart? It's like a hot one and then you leave, you come back, it's still there, that kind of stuff. See, you're getting more creative by the moment. And the other cool thing is that as you're doing that out there in the world, you know, that a bunch of guys are enjoying it, you know? Can't look at him.

When you squeeze, he's all, guess I'm coming. He's so gross. He's the worst. He is not the worst. Ew, he's so gross. He's like a granddad. Oh my God. When you squeeze, it's all guessing coming up.

Dude, that's all guessing coming up. Now, have you been doing your exercise? I've been doing my exercises every day. I love doing my exercises. 50, 50, 50? How's it going for you? Rub it, yeah, yeah. Rub, rub.

How's your 50, 50, 50? 50 times. Now you get the penis out. You pull the skin. A lot of people, they never circumcise. So they have the skin. Never circumcise. So you pull the skin and you get the oil in the hand

and you rub. Hand goes like this. You rub, rub, rub, rub. Especially on the grand penis, rub them. 50 times, rest. Okay. Because you make them strong and not sensitive. He's so gross.

50 times, one right side. I can't watch them. 50 times left side. 50 times front. 50 times back. 50 times down. That's why they walk. Okay, how often am I doing this?

You have to do every day until you can control. Every day. Every day, just jack your dick 300 times. That's what he's been doing. That's why he's the expert. The dick jacking expert. He is the dick jacking guru. He's just a pervert.

I love that you call him just a pervert. Well, that's what all these clowns are. They're like, I rub my dick. Maybe I can teach to other people. He is so nasty. I hate his hands. I rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub, rub. Tom, will you try it once?

Rub, rub. Try it. It's 300 strokes total. Yeah, I'll try it. You go down and then you had to pull the fort. He says, some people want a circumstance. I know. Well, you know, it's just language.

He's all foreign. But we don't have any means. But I mean, yeah, 50, 50, 50, 50. It's just down, down, down. It's not down back. You know what I'm saying? Right. Right?

So you're just. You're, you're ding dong to be less sensitive. He's trying to get everybody to throw up. From coming so hard? Yeah. He is so nasty. I don't know. I seriously.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Would you rather. Okay. Kiss Shaq's tootsies. And we saw what they look like. We saw what Shaq's feet look like. Okay. Well, no, now you got to bring it up.

You can't do that. Not sure. Hold on. You got to bring it up, man. We did in the last episode. I know, but you need to be talking about it. If you're listening to this, just on the podcast, please Google Shaq's feet.

Foot. Foot, you're going to die. I mean, it doesn't even look human. The poor guy's been playing for his whole life. His feet are just mangled. Oh, here is a, a shot from dead spin. This shit is nasty. Oh.

All right, so kiss that. Kiss that pussy or yeah. Every time you're masturbating, you got to have the Chinese guy coaching you. And he's like, rub, rub, rub. And then you play the audio of him ejaculating as you ejaculate. So every time I jack off.

Yeah. You have him coaching you. Rub, rub. And then when you come, he goes, with you. He comes with you to the hotel room. It's like when you're on the road. Rub, rub, rub.

Every time you do your 50, 50, 50s, he's coaching you. He's coaching you from the chair. He's like, Tom, rub, rub, rub. I think I would deal with it. I think it's fine. I think I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I think I like that he's an expert

and I'd be like, am I doing it right? And I'd like to have like a little, a little expert opinion in there. I think I'd be into it. I like it. You're sick. I like it. I think he would be like, you forgot the left side.

I'd be like, oh yeah, I forgot. He's like, Tom. Like he's, rub, rub, rub. He's like a trainer that goes, Hey, I saw you put your knees down. Get back up there. Right. So.

And you definitely wouldn't come fast because he's really a boner. Like I would have major control. He kind of would, you know what? Come to think of it, he should be like a concierge service. Like he should come to your house and teach you how to rub, rub, rub.

Cause that way you won't come. I think it would be mildly difficult to stay hard. If he's sitting there looking at you like, Rob and you're like, um, dude. Why? I can't really get it up right now. I can't believe you feel that way. Yeah. I think I would have a little bit of difficulty with that.

Terrible. But I would take Shaq's foot any day. Especially on the grand penis. Now would you rather have sex with him? Nope. Other option. Or you have to put Shaq's whole foot in your coochie. Yeah, done.

I mean, it would hurt, but I'd find a way. Why? I would squeeze the person out of there. I don't care. Why would you do that over that? Because that guy is so fucking gross, dude. The Chinese guy is the worst. He's not gross.

Dude, he's the worst. That's the worst? Yeah. He's a nasty pervert. He really is nasty pervert. You're so. I'm not into that guy at all. How about Steven Seagal or him? Steven Seagal.

Really? He's not that repugnant. Steven Seagal is just like a sweaty, fat, older guy. He's not that bad. I mean, he's got that silly hair, but that's nothing. He's probably way more annoying. Yeah. Yeah.

I have to listen to him talk about himself all day. Of course. I mean, I am the king of improv and I feel forgiven by saying so. You want to deal with that? He'll tell you all about sex. You think that guy is annoying about sex? The moment you choose Seagal, he's going to be like, I've made more girls come in the last 126 years

than you've ever even imagined. And then he'll start doing like, hmm. He would have had this in Japan. Wait a minute. Hold on. Let me just, uh, let me talk to you pussy for a second. It's nasty. It's both nasty, but.

Right. I think that the Chinese guy is the grossest. Why is he the grossest? I'm not attracted to him at all. I just think he's gross. I don't like his hands. I actually can't believe you find him grosser than Seagal. Yeah.

Really? I think because the old Chinese guy could be like my granddad. I feel like he's too old. He's not that old. Yes. He's like your sweet old Chinese granddad. I don't like him. He's too nasty to talk about jagged his dick and stuff.

I don't want to hear that. Dad. Buddy. Hey, I got to tell you something. I'm, I'm Paulie and I'm by what's that? I'm Paulie and I'm by one of my favorite moments of the show. Was that? Yeah.

He goes, okay, buddy. All right. Batten from both angles. All right. So email came in. Paulie and I'm by audio issue with the podcast. Hey Hitler, I've noticed on the past few episodes that every time you say that you are playing a clip

of someone puking or farting, I never actually hear someone puking or farting, but I'm even an even more obnoxious sound that turns out to be Christina's voice. It's a complete turn off for me and I'm sure it is for others also. After glassing through the internet for hours, trying to troubleshoot,

I came across a webpage dedicated to this type of disturbing problem. It said that this issue actually stems from a complete lack of personality from whoever is causing the audio interference in parentheses, Christina. This makes perfect sense as Christina's personality is as dry as an old ladies of a gene

in the Mojave Desert. I suggest adding more of Tom's refreshing and sweet personality as well as his water champ skills to combat Christina's obnoxious and embarrassing personality. Please fuck my triple D slut wife, Chris from Kansas. Well, Chris from Kansas, you can suck my tits and my ass.

Yeah, tell them all about it. Well, I mean, this is silly. This is silly. You think it's silly? Yeah, the whole thing is silly. I'm the personality champ, I'm the water champ. Everybody knows. Oh, come on.

Who brought the water to you today before the show? And by the way, you haven't even cracked yours open. That's true, that's true. Because you're so fucking deep. Babe. Babe, you know I fucking hate that. I know, I'm sorry. No, I'm not gonna listen.

I know that you've done it, you pushed the button again. I just fucking saw you, I'm not listening. All right, we're done. You think I was born yesterday? We're done. I'm not putting my headphones on. Why? Because I know you got some nasty shit lined up.

No, I don't, I don't, I promise. Lies. I promise. Let me see your hands. No, you just push something. Because I'm setting up the next scene to play. Uh-huh. I have to play something else, Gene.

May I? Go ahead. Okay, so we had, oh, this lady that was in this, a UK lady who tried to make a. I don't trust you yet. Here, I'll pull it. Show the clip and then I'll. Okay.

This lady's standing there. She uses her hair dryer as a make-believe. When you've got cars and bikes going meow, meow, meow, all up and down the road, it had to stop. How many cigarettes does she smoke? Will you describe her for our listeners? This woman I can be related to,

this is also a very Eastern European look. Yeah. Not good teeth, soggy mushy mushers, and they're mashed into a tube top, which when you got big hangers, you cannot wear a tube top. Tube top's not a good look. It's just off the table for you.

Yeah. I mean, there's a lot going on though. You're leaving a lot off the table. I can't, you do it. Well, I mean, it's a bit of a weathered look. Haggard. Full life, I prefer. Yeah, there's, I mean, if you were to just crop out

everything else, you could definitely make this a Zim. Yeah. How old do you think she, they are? I think they are much younger than they look. I think so too. I worry that they are like 55, and they look 85. They don't look good. They have been, you know.

When you have costs, you can zip me down to route. Yeah, she's been riding it hard, drinking hard. So what she does, when you go bikes and costs come on by. I do love shit like this though. So she holds out a hairdryer. Hilarious. And it has the effect of making these cars slow down. I love it.

I think when you go on our streets. You've got cars and bikes going meow, meow, meow, all up and down the road. It had to stop. It's a deep voice. Yeah, and those. All up and down the road. Those chompers are something else.

Listen, we're not even, I'm just listening to the voice. Quite simply, by picking up one of those. I love it. And going like that. I have never seen so many people's brake lights go on. And all it is, is a hairdryer. I love her. I love vigilante shit like this.

What do you think of that? Ooh. I think we have L1, L2, L3, and I'm gonna score them five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five. Yeah. Those look like artifacts. Those look like if you were in a museum, they'd be like, we discovered these

and they're over 60,000 years old. The Paleolithic woman. I think too, she reminds me of those gypsies we used to watch a lot. Gypsies age poorly as well. Yeah, she might be gypsy. Yeah, always for, yes. Yeah, actually, that would make more sense.

Definitely, two guys. Here I am calling her she over and over. So rude. The thing is, is that you know you're on television. Yeah. And you think you wouldn't wear the tube top, mashed your tits down, no makeup. Like just clean up a little.

She's got good traps. Look at her shoulders. Vip, vip, vip. She's got traps like yours, dude. Hitting the old hex squat, huh? If they don't like it, that's tough. I love her. I live here.

My friends live here. My friends' children live here. And if we can't be safe in our own streets, how the hell are we gonna be safe in the world? Right. Yeah, good point. I do like her. What about Tartar?

Method. What about, what's happening behind her? The sail rack? I think there's, yeah, it's like a yard sale. Oh man. It can't be safe. She's like 41 years old. That's great.

I'm 38 this year. What if she was that young? She could be, sometimes these folks don't age very well. They live on a diet of like Wonder Bread, hot Cheetos and booze. Oh, Mario, let's see, let's see. Do you prefer, should I go to check it, huh? Cheetos and Takis.

That's what she's eating. Do you want her here at three or four? Whatever you want, Jean. Well, it's 10 after two. So what do you think? Well, I need to take a swim after this, but as long as I can do that. Okay.

Right. Sure. Okay. So keep talking. I like her initiative with doing this with a hairdryer. I feel like we need to do this on our street because so many assholes just whish, whiz by, and we live in the burbs, man.

You shouldn't be doing that shit. There's kids on bikes. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Are you filming? You know what I'm saying? No, I have relatives that look this bad. Definitely.

I got a couple right now that look like that. That's just hard. I have some rough looking relatives. Yeah. Hard living. South of the border. Right. Right.

Yeah. No dentistry or medical care. No access to it. Yeah. Yeah. She's not doing Pilates twice a week, sticking to a primal diet, stuff like that. Meow.

Yeah. I like her sounds though, too. Yeah. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Wait, just call us and bikes. Go boy. Meow, meow. My goodness.

Yeah. This is one of my favorite things that I saw on Instagram. I think it was, was it that Scotty Piffin page? Anyways, I think that's who posted this. This dude posted this video of, it's kind of like that, what's it called when like the court shows, where like they confessed,

like they let the TV judge decide that it's in Spanish. And this one was just outrageous. Meow, meow. But it's all in Spanish. But just to highlight that somebody said this on TV. Okay. So. So this lady with a studio audience is telling the judge,

he told us to uncover our backsides. And as we were still wearing those transparent ropes. Okay, I was the fourth one down, right? Yeah. Okay. I was the fourth one down, right? Yeah. Okay.

I was the fourth one down, right? Yeah. Okay. I was the fourth one down, started hearing heavy breathing. No one. Weird moaning behind me. Mm-hmm.

Out of nowhere, I feel someone's tongue licking my butt. Oh my God. I tried to hit him, but he grabbed me and said I was ruining the ritual. Oh. So this guy told me that he was going to heal me, right? Wow. So she's saying that like I was supposed to let this guy

lick me on the ass and that was supposed to seal the deal like on the ritual. Tossing people's hands. Yeah. So this guy is. Is that the same saying in Spanish, tossing salad? No. What would they call that?

Is there a root phrase? I think she said one here. She said someone here. I don't know. Like the black kiss, is that what she's saying? I don't know. I think that's what she said. That's what it sounds.

Here's the guy. Oh. So this guy, who looks like a quirky spiritual guy, right? Sure. Like you can see him being like at the top of his head. Oh my God. So this guy, who looks like a quirky spiritual guy, right? Sure.

And he's going to be sitting like at the top of a mountain and be like, yeah, spend a month here. Don't talk. So he has this, he's bald. He's older. He's got this weird white shirt that has like no collar, right? And he's telling the court now that dogs and cats

heal themselves with their tongues. Jesus cured a blind man with his saliva. I never read that one. Why the anus? El anus. El anus. Yeah. Why the anus?

Why? Because all the bad stuff comes from out of there. True, true. Okay. So he spits on their anus and cleans it. Why did you show that to me? Is it upsetting? Yeah.

I feel like so many things on your mom's house have never faced me. That's like one of those things, really. And because it's a holy man and he's taking advantage of people's religion. Whoa, whoa. He's not taking advantage of anyone. He's healing people.

I hate that. I hate that people trust him. It's so sad. Thanks for bumming me out, Tom. Maybe you wanted to feel a little, that's what I feel right. But I like that these people were like, this is church. And they're like, OK, pull your pants down. OK.

Now spread your cheeks. Gotcha. Like, wouldn't you be like, fuck you. I'm not pulling my pants down. Crazy train. I'm going to lick your ass for a minute and make you feel better. Right, but you wouldn't protest at that level.

Well, let me ask you this. I kind of feel like this is actually great evidence for your honor's case in getting you to kiss Mike. Give me the black kiss. Yana is a holy man's ploy. Yeah. Cleans all the impurity. Yana, as you can see, this very spiritual man

has cured many people by spitting in the unhealthiest of places. And I feel that counsel would best serve me by cleaning my filthy, dirty, evil hole. I think we should take you to a yoga class so that you can learn to lick your own butthole. OK, that is not what I signed up for. That's not what I want.

Can I just take a rag on a stick and wet it and then mash it against your butthole and be like, that's my tongue. No. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. What's Mario saying?

Maria just said, I challenge you and Bert to a water challenge. I will win. And if you want a bigger challenge, we can do a pull-up, push-up, post-Tito's challenge. And I'll still win. Love you. First of all, the water challenge wouldn't be with him.

It would be with you and me. That's the. She's not getting it. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand that. No. Would you want to take her up on that challenge? No, because I've never been a showboater like you are.

Well, you guzzle a gallon and then, oh, the water temp. It's not about that. It's about hydrating constantly throughout the day so that I don't need to binge. I understand. You're a binge taker. I'm not. I'm a consistent.

You're jumping ahead. Would you want to have a day-long water challenge? I don't need to challenge. I know exactly who I am and I am the true champion. So you don't want to compete in this? Why would I? OK, because to be the winner. Well, what's the point, to say who drinks the most or who drinks?

Who drinks the most in a day, not a binge moment in a day. OK, but that's the thing is, you're going to binge. You're going to push yourself farther than you normally do. I could drink it all day. Do you want to prove that you're the water champ by partaking in the competition with Maria or with you with the two of us? So it's a three-way competition. What is, but what does she have?

She doesn't have anything to do with this. She's not a part of this thing. She's saying that she's the water champion and that and wants to dethrone us. I don't want to do this. No, why, why, why would I want? I don't like doing contests like you and Bert. I don't like putting myself through suffering for the point of what? No, I don't like it.

I know what I know in my heart who I am. I don't need to fucking compete. I know in my heart who I am. I already know that I am the champion. Why would I even need to compete to demean myself, to base myself, to compete with fucking peasants? You and Maria are jokes. You guys are fucking.

You're not even in my league. Why would I compete with the dilettante drinkers? OK, you guys are fucking Sunday drinkers. But this thing, you know, know this when you say things like that. You can back it up with what you do. That's what that's the whole point. Yeah, I know I'm hydrated. The doctor says I'm perfect.

Everything's perfect. I've been to a urologist. The guy told me to stop drinking so much. So you won't take place, take part in the competition? No, I don't believe I don't like doing stuff like that. That's the fucking waste of my time. OK. I would like to accept Maria's challenge for the water drinking competition.

Oh, my God. What? When are you going to do this tomorrow? OK, OK. Or I don't know, the next day. Wait, why is that so weird to you? I mean, no, it just sounds like a torture because you guys are just going to gorge and drink too much and it's going to be miserable.

I don't have that kind of time right now. I got to do stuff, man. You don't have that kind of time? No, I'm busy the next two weeks. You know, I'm shooting my special. I'm going to San Francisco. All right. How the fucking go do shit tomorrow?

I don't have time to fucking do that. Yeah, but you know, you realize you're not allowed. Like when you say that you won't participate, you're not allowed to be part of the conversation. Great. But I mean, you're no longer even allowed to call yourself the water champion. That's fine. I know in my heart who I am.

I'm secure with who I am. Yeah, big L. That's what you are. It's fine. So be it. So be it. You can just step up. I'm great at this. I don't need to compete. It's a silly. This is childish.

I'm an adult, your children. Oh, God. All right. Speaking of great, fun things. My to send this in. I'm not sure who sent this in, but this is a majorly baseball player reading his own mother's jokes to a teammate of his. And the teammates reaction is almost unbelievable.

It actually feels like top dog is in the room. It's a it's Monday. We're going to do mom joke Monday. Phillips and Wilson has a lot of corny jokes. So we're going to tell a few to Mr. Brett Phillips. Seriously, we can't get him to laugh. So this is his mother's jokes. Okay.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? Because it was hot just like my dad's left. Look at that guy's laugh. Is he fucking with him? I don't know. I don't know. I think they're both. I think they're both think it's pretty funny.

I think this guy is is questionable up top. You know, I don't think he's all there. The guy on the left. Yeah. I think he's got real problems. Like maybe maybe he used to play football before he played baseball. That kind of problem. Yeah.

It's not so good. How do you make an egg roll? You push it. Oh my gosh. Like he's really he thinks that's really funny. You think so? I think he knows that one's corny. I think he does.

And he's like, oh my gosh, that's good. Funny. No, it's not. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it didn't have a peg. It was too tired. Two tires. Did you get that one?

I think he's really like that. He's touched you a little bit. Sweet guy, but you know. Retard. He got all the genes to play a sport. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot left.

None to think about anything else. What does the duck say to the bartender? Whack. Put it on my bill. Oh my God. They really laughed. I like that one. Oh my God.

They're both laughing at that. Look at him. Look at him. Oh my gosh. Oh my God. What's happening here? Oh my God. Oh, he really thinks it's funny.

He does. Oh my God. He really thinks it's funny. I guess like, is it maybe that there's so much more innocent than we are? Like they probably don't sit here and talk about, you know, farting and fist fucking and coming all day long like we do. Did I miss a couple of segments? You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. These guys don't talk about the horrible things we do. They must be not as do sensitized. Yeah. Is that what's going on? Yeah. I mean, this guy's probably a really sweet guy and yeah, he's probably, I think it has a lot to do with the kindness of his heart.

Just being nice. I remember raining these jokes off of popsicle sticks when I was a child and I still was like, like I never thought they were funny. It's an intelligence factor. It is. You think so? Of course. Of course it is.

I don't know. Or, you know, intelligence as in the real world experience. Yeah, maybe that's it. This guy's not street savvy. You know, he's not street smart. He might be, I mean, this is for what did the duck say to the bartender? Oh my God. Put it on my bill.

Right? That's what I mean. Put it on my bill is. On my bill. Okay. So you're like, all right. He laughs. But then.

I like that one. Really? I mean, come on. He can't keep it together. I mean, that's. I wish I were that easily amused. Thumb broad. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Right? That'd be so much easier. I'd watch sitcoms every day. We could watch Friends and think it was the best show ever. Oh man.

You see what Ross did? That was so funny. He did that hand gesture and the thing and then. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Will Smith, that's you. Oh boy. You look for his fresh prints. He doesn't get it.

He doesn't get it. Prints? Prints. You're right. He's not that bad. Yeah. Dude, this guy. Yeah.

He's been hit with a ball. Yeah. On the head too. Maybe with a bat. Maybe a couple of bats. One of his story is like this guy when he was 15 was beaten relentlessly with a bat. Yeah. He's got brain damage.

Somehow he was able to maintain his ability to play baseball. Oh. He's in a coma. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Now we're shitting on him. Yeah. How do you know if you're in front of a Polish firing squad?

The guns are faced at the guy. Dad. Just saying. Dad, do you not understand how these jokes work? You're not supposed to actually try to answer them. Yeah. That was the best day ever. That was such a good day.

Yeah. And we got them again here when I had them in studio. Yeah. God, I love the blind. That was so weird to me that they laughed that hard. Yeah. It's weird to me too. That she laughed.

She laughed that hard. Well, I think your mom, I mean, you have to forgive her because she's working on a second language thing. Yeah. And that's really cultural humor. Yeah. But I guess this is like when certain people like certain comedians that you're like, that is so not on my radar.

Yeah, that's true. And you're like, why are people laughing? I don't, I don't get it. Jean, you remember the Shibuya roll call last week? I was trying to forget that. My name is Cindy. Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Yeah. I like donuts. Yeah. They're real sweet. Yeah. They're really neat. Yeah. And it's so nice.

I shoved my hand in my ass. Yeah. Some of you wrote in about it. I was hired two years ago at a large biotechnology seed corn company and we had a toned down version of the Shibuya cult chant before taking the job. I spent seven months in Afghanistan getting shot at, sometimes shooting back, sleeping and jacking off when it came to my turn in the Shibuya ceremonial, ceremonial circle. I was zoning out and I froze and yelled, Hey, my name is Andrew clap, clap, and I killed

a man. It got super quiet and they canceled the rest of the orientation to lunch. I do appreciate not having to attend these dog shit retard festivals anymore. I had to talk to HR a couple of times after that. I appreciate it. It's too, keep them high and tight. Thanks mommy. Andrew.

That dude's improv in that moment ended their entire orientation. It did. And that's effective. And do you realize that, I mean, cause that's an unconscious thing, like that Shibuya experience was so traumatic that it unconsciously led him to think of his war days. Do you know what I mean? Right. Where he's like, there's nothing worse than this.

Oh, wait, Afghanistan. Yeah. And also the fact that it's chant like, you know, so you go like the same beat rhythm. So your brain goes into that kind of stream of consciousness. Yeah. And then he was like, what can I say about myself? I killed a guy. Yeah.

They're like, the record stops and then Andrew, aren't you guys going to clap again? And they're like, no, because you realize that some, someone there could have, could have thought also that, uh, that was a confession. Like he killed a civilian. Oh, right. I killed my roommate. What? What?

I got his body up. Yeah. Oh, Andrew. Oh, Lord. Yeah. Well, I'm sure Afghanistan was better than this fucking Shibuya roll call. Thanks for your service, Andrew. And thanks for writing in.

That is an amazing story, actually. This dad boner thing came in that, um, I actually find it to be more, it's one of these interesting, you know, sometimes you're like, yeah, that's pretty cool. It's, I don't know if you've seen this yet or not, but this is a dad boner. Wait a minute. This would be a great place to skip a rock. Dude, it'll never go in. And look at that.

Perfect skipping rock. Listen to this. Whoa. That's cool as shit. Yeah. Whoa. Damn, I gotta do that again. So he went to skip the rock and I guess there's a bunch of ice on this lake.

Yeah. And then it, the pitch turned into that. That's crazy. I didn't unite as possible. Neither did I. It's really cool. Skipping rocks on ice. This is awesome.

All right. It's realistic, but I understand it. Wow. He's so excited, but I get his excitement. Yeah. So I'd feel the same way. It's not unwarranted. It's beautiful wherever they are.

Yeah. Looks nice. Yes. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. That's a big rock. Bombs away. Big one.

Wow. His face is priceless. I know. If you're watching this on YouTube. I love this. This is awesome. I'm getting way too much joy out of this. It's awesome though.

I think it's really great actually. Yeah, that's fun. Can't make fun of that boner on that one. No. That must be a perfect thing. The acoustics of the mountains and the ice. That's special. It's pretty cool, man.

Yeah. I like his face. He had a little kid open face. Oh, he was so happy. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. 50 time. Oh. 50 time. Oh, I'm so excited. Sometimes we're just exciting things that happen. All right. Here we go.

First time going over the new bridge. This one's crazy. Wait for this for three years. Oh. Oh. See, this doesn't add up. This doesn't make sense. Oh.

It's mental illness. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, look at this. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. All right. Look at the river. Look at the river.

Yeah. Yeah. Look at the river. Look at the river. Look at the river. Oh, look at this. Oh, look at this. I mean, that's for driving on a bridge.

The trance Canada Highway. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Story that this road tells. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. So crazy. That's one of my favorite things we've ever discovered. Oh. I wonder, I wish I could know the story. That's one of those things. Yeah.

I wish I could know why, why the excitement. I just don't get it. I just meant a littleness right now. It feels like it. Yeah. It's got to be craziness. Yeah, it feels like it. I'm trying to find this.

Is this the pronoun song? I was trying to sing that. Hey. Hi. How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? That's a different one.

That's a different one. Hey. Hi. What's your pronoun? It's like, hey. Hi. How are you? What's your name?

What's your pronoun? How are you? I like this song. Yeah. What's this? I heard you talking shit about me at the bar last night. What? That's not the one I thought it was.

Here. Here. Say, Zim, sir. Yeah. Ah, there's so many options. Fuck your man. Man. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Zim, sir. Zee. Throw them in the dungeon and they're butt, butt, butt fucking. Jesus. Fuck your man. Fuck your man.

Tell me what that is. Hey. Hi. How are you? What's your name? What's your pronoun? Hey, I just wanted to confirm. What's your pronoun?

What's your pronoun? Zee. Here. Here. Zee. Zim, sir. What's your pronoun? What's your pronoun?

So good. Yes, sir. Fuck me. Yes, sir. Fuck me. Yes, sir. That is a man getting fucked in the ass by another man. Sure is.

All right, let's fuck right now. Yes, sir. Fuck me. Yes, sir. Fuck me. Yes, sir. Fuck me. Yes, sir.

Wow. Well, this reminds me. That was DJ Boy Butter, by the way. So good. San Francisco in the nineties. This is exactly what it was like. You saw some wild shit. You told me once that you saw.

Yes. Yes. They're guys fucking in the streets. That's crazy. Just still crazy to butt fucking each other all the time. Any two people fucking in the streets is crazy. Yeah. So back then I feel like SF was way gayer and wackier and more fun.

Yeah. Now it's the upstairs like us. Yeah. It's douchebags going to Whole Foods with their kids. It's a little different. Not that I don't love San Francisco, guys. I'm not saying that, but it's just culturally very different since the dot commerce came. So it's a.

There's people like us now. It's not the weirdo. There used to be a real beacon for weird beards. It was really fucking far out. It was really fun. You liked that. Oh, I had the best. We had the best time.

Those minibuses get high. Just won't drink beer, walk around Haidt Street. Yeah. See fucking weird shit. These dudes to be a guy that dressed up like Sherlock Holmes under the freeway. Yeah. And people would be like, what's up, Sherlock? Like you just yell hi, Sherlock.

You know, there was a guy in a pink unitard on a fucking unicycle that was on Haidt Street all the time. Yeah. Just the pink guy. Shawna used to see him all the time. Woo. He'd go, woo. I mean, just, and they're always there.

Just straight weirds. Just all kinds of weirdos. All kinds of weird shit. Now it's, I don't know where the weirdos. The weirdos are in Portland now, I think. I think Portland's the new San Francisco. There's a lot of weirdos in Portland. Yeah.

They all kind of went for it. And there's a pride about it, which is interesting too. Which is awesome. Yeah. They're like, we're fucking. They are weird. They're rad. Yeah.

I just pulled up this page. I'm thinking, you know, there's 400 episodes in. Remember when we found this? Yeah. That was great. That's from like a special edition episode of cops. We did a, I mean, obviously it aired on a regular episode. Then they put it on like a best of type of cops tape.

And it was a random YouTube find. Yeah. Going away. It's gone. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. It's not there anymore.

I mean, we were randomly watching it and then we were like, wait, what did that guy just say? Did you say? Doesn't he sound like, say my mom's house? And we're, you know, this is like the early days of your mom's house. We're like, how perfect is it that it's like a weird thing? It's like playing weird segment, weird audio. And this guy's like, I'm at my mom's house.

So weird. And then our first sponsor of this show was stamps.com. Right. And then this guy says, so then we would be like, this episode is brought to you by. Dot.com. Dot.com. And then if we want, we want you to use our website shop through the Amazon banner, check out the clip.

See where you can see us live. Go to our website. That's the website. The best actually that's not in this is the cops with him because when they're like, how are you doing today, sir? Uh, what you doing out here? Okay. Um, go ahead and get me that license and a registration for you.

And then he goes up. You have, uh, you have, uh, look, anything to drink today while you're sitting down? You have anything to drink today? I'd go ahead and do me a favor. Turn off that car. Just step out for a second. Like that's the guy stays like so like treats him like he's actually speaking. It's like a toddler.

Yeah. Go ahead and turn that off and step out for me. And they're looking like, uh, this guy is definitely coming with us. That's got to be the hardest part of law enforcement is dealing with nut bags, which is the majority of law enforcement. Yeah. And you're just like, sir, sir, could you step out of the car? Could you just be normal?

Okay. Like, like the guy actually said something. Sure. So babbling. You got that registration? Yeah. You got that registration on you right now? Sure.

Lent. Yeah. It's lent. Um, anyways, it's been so crazy. I tell people this at live shows. I say it all the time when they go, you know, listen to the podcast. I love it. And that's, you know, that's why they come out.

This is the most fun thing we do is podcast. My far because it's really, it really is all the stupid shit that you and I have enjoyed over the years. And it's all about silly. And it's great cause we come in here and we seal the world off. Everything is sealed off. And it's just talking about stuff we really, truly care about. And genuinely, I want to say, uh, we do appreciate everybody that listens to the show,

downloads the show, um, and, and tells us that they enjoy it. It helps. I, I, all the time it sounds like really goofy to say almost, right? But people are like, Oh, it helps me get through my work day or it helps. It's a good distraction from whatever mundane thing I'm doing. Uh, you know, I never, we never expected, but anybody would say that. And I think it's, uh, it's very cool that people enjoy it like that. I think it's so, it's, it overwhelms me at times when we do the show live or I go do

stand up and all the mommies show up and you're just like, this is crazy. Like this started just out of us talking about farts and shit. Like it's not that we normally would talk about and to think that it's really touched the lives of so many people. Yeah. It's so silly. The house that farts built. Um, so anyways, we're going to, you know, there's no, there's no sign of us slowing

down with this. Um, we're going to be having, like I said, we've had guests lately. We're bringing some, we have guests lined up coming up. Some episodes will have them. Some won't, but there's, you know, it's one of the most fun things we do. So there's no way we would slow, slow down or stop doing this. Um, 400 and hopefully 4,000 more. Um, that's it man.

So silly. Oh, um, I don't know. We were wanting to do a glossary of terms from your mom. Didn't somebody start that already? I don't know, but if you, I know the Facebook page, you guys do that. Can someone start a glossary or maybe a Wikipedia page of all the terms that all the terms are some localized place that fans can go. You know, there's got to be someone who's in charge of all these things.

There you go. And, uh, I know we said it at the top, but obviously, uh, go to thousand ranch.com for tickets to the San Francisco shows and, uh, the link for, uh, Christina Seattle special taping that's coming up in just a couple weeks. And, um, I announced a bunch of dates. You already know that we announced that, but, uh, they're at Thompson gray.com. So go there.

And of course your mom's house podcast.com. That's it for us this week, Jean. Anything else? No, I think that's it. Yeah. Thank you guys. I just, uh, I just want to say thanks to everybody for listening and supporting us.

And, and, uh, I hope everybody's jeans stay tight and high as minor. I wore my highest, highest pair for this episode. Did you see? Yeah. Look how tight these are. Was it really tight? Nice job. This is a doctor butt trumpet by bananas.

Um, here it is. Thank you guys for making 400. So fun. Fart hundred. I can see. I can see. That's a good one. That's a good one.

Yeah.