Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 419-Greg Fitzsimmons-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: October 25, 2017

The great Greg Fitzsimmons is here! You know his book, his podcast, his radio show and his stand up. He's absolutely one of our favorites and he will be one of yours if you listen to this episode. Lots of crazy, lots of funny, Machines Within and of course a Dental Update.

Yeah, you're gonna like it. You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it. Yeah, I totally guarantee it. I like your shirt. Thank you. Jean, it's getting towards your favorite holiday. That means October is moving along.

Hollow jeans. Hollow jeans is coming up. I'll be in Taint Loose Tits this Friday. Nailed it. Sold out. First show. Second show. I don't know.

There's a few tickets left if you're gonna be in St. Louis, Missouri. I'll be there. Come see me. Next gay? Next gay? You've been doing too much hot yoga with the guys. All the guys helping me stretch. The next day, I'm in Fartgo, North Dakota.

Two shows at the Fartgo Theater. Same deal. First show sold out. Second show has a few tickets left. Love if you come see me. From there, I go to Albuquerque, New Mexico, San Antonio, Tejas, and Austin. I know that San Antonio had 38 tickets left this morning. So that's not a lot if you're in there.

Austin, I believe, had something like that too. Under 100 tickets. Albuquerque, I didn't know yet, but I'll find out. Probably gonna go soon. Then I go to Jewdork Titties, where there are tickets left in Port Chester. Port Chester, New York. Very limited left in New York City and in Barfalo, New York. That's November 9, 10, and 11.

From there, Riverside, California. Very excited to be going there. And then the day after... No, two days after Thanksgiving, November 25th. I have a show at the Wiltern here in Los Angeles. Not many tickets left for that. It's almost sold out. And we announced Phoenix, Fartnix I'm doing in December.

And also I added a show in Hawaii. I'm not saying you're right. Hawaii. Oahu, the Hawaii Theater. That is two days after I do Maui. I think it's the Cultural Arts Center there. So the whole thing's at TomSugarra.com slash tour. Please check it out.

And that's it, Jean. I am doing actually one show in Pustin on the 18th of November at the Come and Take It Comedy Fartsifle. So you have to go to their website to get, you know, festival tickets. One night, only one show only in Pustin, 11.18. There you go. And then I'm at the comedy store. I'm doing local shit.

Did you hear that? That was my throat. Oh. I'm just doing local spots till the new year. You on that. Oh, I got that new shit out right now. You on that new new. Trying to do that new, new.

Good. Give it to us. Thank you for supporting our stores. If you go to TomSugarra.com, you click on the store. It takes you to Merch Method. I have a bunch of everything from t-shirts, signed vinyl, whatever. Everything that I've ever put out is there. Christina P.

Online. She has a store now and there's a shirt supporting her new special. So excited. I've got a Mama Wolf shirt fully vaccinated for those of you who are annoyed by the anti-vaxxers out there. There you go. And blessing in the skies. Way up there.

Way up there. If you've seen the special, you'll get the jokes. There you go. So that's it. And now time to get into this. We have a Fitzdogs on the way. And you ready, Jean? Ready to have some fun?

Ready. Okay, here we go. Here we go. Pay attention. I'm paying attention. Turn that ring off. I can't because I'm waiting for a very important phone call. Okay, here we go.

Sorry. She's retarded. Keep it down. Don't do it. Where are you going? She's retarded. She's retarded. She's retarded.

She's retarded. I told you, technical, started. Don't bring anyone mothering for this. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura. Christina Pajitse. Christina Pajitse. Welcome to your mom's house.

She's retarded. Is that how you feel when we're out in public? You and I, I'm embarrassing you and you want to tell people that. She's retarded. She's retarded. I think it's a boyfriend of a lady who's acting out and the bus driver asks them to get off the bus. They refuse.

The cops are right there. She spits on one of them. Oh dear. So then they kind of like, you know, push her back onto the bus to arrest her. And that's when the guy's like, don't, she's retarded. She doesn't know what she's doing. And then somebody, some PC or on the, on the bus goes, it's mentally disabled. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it might be one of the guys. Let's watch it from the beginning. And they're like, let's go. Go. I have to take this. Okay. There you go.

There's Christina just leaving during our show. Okay. That's a fun new way to do this program. Who cares about the co-host? I'll just, and then I can, I can hear her through there. That's awesome. You good? Oh, great.

Great. If you want to join the show, that would help. Well, you know what? I'm waiting for it. I don't know what call you're waiting for. Oh really? No. Remember what I, what, the appointment I went to right before this?

Yeah. Oh yeah. But you didn't tell me that's the call you're waiting for. Oh yeah. That's what I'm waiting for. Okay. All right. Here we go.

So here's the lady round two. You don't do nothing. You don't do nothing. Don't do nothing. You don't do nothing. This is for the face. This is for the face. She just spit towards the cop.

I'm gonna spit on him. She's sitting around. And she's spitting on him. I'm gonna spit on him. I kidding. I'm gonna spit on him. I think he's retarded. That is a good way to get out of behavior.

That's not acceptable. 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,000 I'm retarded. Can you say I'm retarded? That's another one you should try. 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,000 But if you ever do anything, for sure from now on in public, that's not socially acceptable.

I'm going to go. I'm retarded. She's retarded. She's retarded. Yeah, the PC or has to... The word is developmentally disabled. The PC police has to fucking school the guy. The police is on the bus.

I don't think they did that. I mean, the guy who's saying she's retarded is her boyfriend caregiver. He's close to her. He's not troubled by the word. She's certainly not disputing it. I'm not retarded. I'm mentally disabled.

Holy shit. She's crying. She sounds retarded. She's not mentally disabled. She's retarded. Somebody really gets upset about it there. Is that the cop? Is that one of the other cops?

Listen, he gets really upset. See, don't say the word retarded. And then he's like, no, no, she's retarded. She is retarded. If you knew her, you know how she's retarded. I'm with her all the time. She's 24-7 retarded. I told you you were going to lie.

That made my day. That really made my day. Guys, guys, guys. I'm with her all the time. Trust me. She's retarded. She is. Guys, it's developmentally disabled.

Gosh. So, check it out. I just did hot yoga number 12. It's been ruining our home life. Too many, man. It's too many. You're gone for hours every day. Because we're doing 90-minute fucking classes.

Well, I don't get it. Because let's say your class is like one. Everyone's sick of it, by the way. Everyone. I'm sure. It was Joe's idea. He's sick of it. He's so fucking sick of yoga.

No one wants to do 15 classes in a month about anything. It's a lot. No. Now, have you achieved enlightenment of some sort? I do feel like at the end of all the classes, you do have a definite sense of clarity. It's a good place to go if you have a decision weighing on your mind, I think. Like whether or not to call somebody retarded or developmentally challenged?

I would be like, I don't know yet. And then at the end of class, I'd be like, she's retarded. So, okay. You really do. What happens is hot yoga, big room yoga class, a good portion of it is basically meditation. Oh, I love that. You're in a meditative state.

Which I think Burt could really benefit from. Oh, Burt especially. Yeah. Has he been able to silence? I think everyone does. Has he silenced his monkey mind? I don't know. I think so.

I think he is in a different place. We should do it. We should see him again soon. Yeah. We should bring him back and get an update. Yeah, get an update on that. So, you leave for hot. You're like, oh, class is at one.

I'll be home at seven this evening. I'm like, what? You are so funny. Take you six hours to do this shit. Let me break down for this audience what it's like to be with you in this. So, classes are 90 minutes long, 90. Okay. It's hot yoga.

Yeah. On the class schedule, if you go online, it tells you to arrive, please arrive 15 minutes before class. Okay. So, your 90 minutes is now 105 minutes. Class doesn't start exactly on time. Mostly the class would start, you know, five to 10 minutes after the schedule time, which means it ends five to 10 minutes after the schedule time.

So, if you're talking about driving to this thing, arriving a little bit early, doing the full class, when you're done, it's 104 degrees in the room. It's like you jumped into a pool. Yeah. And then you got to let all those farts out that you've been holding. You got to let the farts out. You got to take a shower. There's a single shower.

Wait a minute. What? You're like, no, because you were like, you came home the other day and you're like, I'm late because I showered there and I go, all of you shower there. I mean, what yoga? I've never heard of a yoga. A studio, honestly, where you could shower after I have, I have never heard of it, but you haven't been to a Bikram yoga class, not Bikram, but that's what I'm in.

So I understand, but I'm saying that you, you're like me and the guys, we shower together after and I was like a group shower and you're like, yes, a group shower. And I thought that was a little fishy. Yeah. The ladies shower too. So everybody showers. Everybody showers. Yeah.

I think the only person that I've seen not shower there is Burt because he just gets in his car, soaking wet, but it's not really a group shower. She's here. Oh, okay. All right. We, we just hit pause. We're back. Fitz Simmons just came in.

Fitz dog. Oh, the great Greg and we were talking off Mike. He's actually a hot yoga, Bikram yoga practitioner as well. He loves it. Greg, isn't it pronounced Bikram? It's Bikram. Yeah. Okay.

All right. Oh, should I open your mic or no? Yeah, that would be good. I can't hear anything. Can you hear now? Can you turn his headphones up? Maybe turn those probably number two. There we go.

Yeah, that's good. Is that good? Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I haven't done it a ton, but I used to do it every year. I went to San Francisco because that's where it kind of started, I think. Yeah. And I would go up and I would do the punch line and I would always go in on Saturday and do a hot yoga class and.

Whoa. Hey, you know, and so it was once a year, but then I started doing it with a buddy in Venice. They got one in Venice. That's really good. I mean, so I've gone to, I went to my 12th one of the month today. You're supposed to do 15, right? Yeah.

So I have to go tomorrow. I was number 13 and then just two more. Okay. Thanks for adding that up. I wasn't sure. I don't know. It was 13 and then it goes 14 and then 15. That's if you know, like all.

Yeah. Right. And you do that off the top of your head. I can just throw another number at me. Seven. So you go one and then you get good two, three, four, five. No, no, no. You started seven.

Oh, up to 15. Yeah. Right. But Christina. My favorite kids joke of all time though is why, why is five afraid of six? Cause seven, eight, nine. Okay. Why is six afraid of seven?

Cause seven, eight, nine. Is that it? Yeah. Come on. You never read bubble gum wrappers? No, no. And then you can see more of these if you watch Christina's new special mother inferior.

It's on Netflix right now. It's got a bunch of them. Watched it. Loved it. A lot of dad jokes too. Yeah. Yeah. So wait.

Now is it customary for there to be a group shower after she thinks it's crazy that I shower? I'm like, I'm, I'm, I jumped into a pool after this thing. No, that's what happens. As a matter of fact, I had never seen my friend Matt, Matt Malloy. I'd never seen him naked before. Yeah. And I was okay with it because it wasn't like we had just jumped into a cold lake and

then we're doing it. Right. This was like, I had some nice hang. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I had some nice puffy flesh going. Sure, man.

Proud. Sweating for a while in there. Yeah. I know that it's weird cause like we have a, it's a very small locker room and it's a single shower. So people have to wait and like some of the guys walk into the shower stall with their shorts on. Yeah.

And I'm a dick out guy. Like I take it off. Sure. I stand naked in the locker room and it's kind of really a separation of like who's a grown up in here. You know? Cause like I feel like the, no, I'm serious. Or who's an immigrant.

It's a real Russian immigrant style. It is. My tribe just to be naked with your dick out. Yeah. Yeah. Not give a shit. I was a very skinny kid and I had, I had, I had puberty at like, I was close to 15 I think when I hit puberty.

What? Yeah. So I remember freshman hockey, I used to go, I used to go to practice not making this up. I was so embarrassed to even take my pants off that I used to strap my shin guards and put my, my pants, my hip pants on over my jeans. What? Oh wow.

And I would play hockey with my jeans on underneath. That's crazy. Cause I was so embarrassed by my twiggy little legs, my hairless twiggy little legs. Really? You thought you were going to be mocked by others, like the other kids? I was horrified about my body. And so, and then I would hitchhike home because the rink was like 20 minutes away and it was, this is New York in the winter.

Hitchhike home. I would stand on the side of the highway in January. That's fucking nuts. Drenched in sweat. Yeah. Oh my God. Who raised you? Where were your parents?

And then one of my teachers picked me up on the side of 287 and they drove me home. It was, it was way out of her way to take me all the way home. And then they called my mom the next day and they were like, do you know that I picked your son up hitchhiking last night at nine o'clock on 27 and my mom went like, well, how else was he going to get home? It's like, you should have picked him up and driven him. Not only that, never bought me any hockey equipment. I used to bum like old skates off friends.

And I remember going through the garbage in the locker room and finding broken shin pads and then taping them on with tape. I'd find tape rolls that were thrown out that weren't completely gone. And I would use those because they never bought me a piece of sporting equipment in my life. And I played sports. How did they not buy you a, I mean, while we had money, that's even worse. That's even worse because my mom grew, both my parents grew up in the Bronx and they didn't have any money.

And my mom especially, like my grandparents were from Ireland. They came over here like literally off the boat, nothing. And so my mom grew up with seven brothers and sisters and just like Penny pinched. And she couldn't, even though my father was in radio and he made good money, she couldn't spend the money. Yeah. The same way. How many, how many kids, how many siblings did you have a brother and a sister, brother

and sister? So everybody had this experience then that your siblings, yeah, that's, that's wild. Yeah. Is it something you guys talk about a lot or no? There's so many other things to get to, you know, that doesn't, that's at the bottom of the list. Really? No, it wasn't that bad.

As a matter of fact, my, my sister has said to my wife, she doesn't get what me and my brother are complaining about so much because she thinks that everything was bad, but fine. But isn't that funny? She's the baby. That's why siblings though. When you talk about the shared experience, I always find that like I have two sisters and I've heard in different, in different scenarios, either one of us having the, you know, the totally different version.

Were you younger or older? I'm a middle. I'm the middle. You're the middle. But like I, I think I'm, I mean, I'm the most even tempered of the three to begin with. And then like my version of something will always be usually more like a recollection will be like, that was pretty normal. Yeah.

And theirs will always be like more heightened, you know, like the more emotional exaggeration of something. I'll be like, no, that wasn't, I think, I think you guys know this as parents. You guys have gone through some pretty major life changes in the last couple of years. And I think you deal with a different set of parents at any given time. And birth order, they say has a huge effect on how you're treated. You know, the first one, they're, they're nervous. They're scared that kid can be neurotic.

They could end up being hyperachieving because there's so much pressure on them. And then the middle kid can get lost a little bit because then the younger one gets the, it's the baby. You know, and they're the younger one generally gets treated the best, but they also feel the most pressure to not cause any issues. They tend to be super likable, not have needs. Oh boy. I think that was me and our family.

Yeah. The middle kid, because they were like the older kid had more like, you know, shit going on and acting out. And then the baby was the baby. And they're like, the good thing about you is that you're, you're not demanding. Like to me, you know, they were like, that's the good thing about you is that you're a nice kid. You're easy.

Easy to deal with. And you're not causing us any trouble. Yeah. I used to hear that too. That's a really good sound. And they look you right in the eye when they say this. Yeah. You're nice.

Everybody likes you. You're not causing any problems. Which is great. You keep your grades okay. You don't get drunk. You're just taking it all in good. Those are my marching orders. That's right.

Of course. Yeah. And I don't think they consciously realize that they're telling you to do that. You know, I think they think part of them thinks like they're just like telling you how it is. Yeah. But they're actually telling you what to do. You know, I don't know if they process that at the time.

I think subconsciously you tell your kids a lot. And I'm starting to become more aware of that because my kids are so different. My son is like, boom, straight A's, captain of the soccer team, captain of the club soccer team, girlfriend, steady friends, the nicest, most even kid, like I literally couldn't tell you what I would change about this kid. And then sometimes I wonder, am I, is he being that way because we're subtly demanding that of him? Right.

The perfection. Oh, right. Because he's almost too good. Right. Yeah. And you're not aware of it. Obviously, you know, you don't know until later when your kids tell you that you were a bad parent.

God damn. There's no way you were bad. You weren't bad. I travel. I feel like maybe that has an effect on them. I mean, I've gone every other weekend. But your wife is there, right? She's been a full-time mom for 17 years.

Yeah. She's always there. Yeah. Same with Tom and I. We take turns traveling, but one of us is always there. Yeah. I think that's the key, right? Yeah.

No, we don't. Both. And don't let your kids hitchhike. Don't you love how that, that, that, that, our gender, but that, people hitchhiked. I grew up here in the San Fernando Valley. I just saw somebody. You fucking hitchhiked. I just saw some, uh, like a grown man.

Yeah. Who's doing that? Who's doing that? What the fuck are you doing? I hitchhiked. I used to, I used to work as a caddy at a golf course that was like 15 minutes away. Yeah. And I used to get up at like six o'clock in the morning and I would get out on the road

and I would hitchhike to work and then I would caddy like two loops. I was like 14 years old and I would carry two loops, two giant bags. I told you how skinny I was. Yeah. And then I would hitchhike home. Who would pick up? Like who would pick? Cause you got a bunch of rides.

So sometimes it took a long time. Really? Yeah. Was it, um, questionable people picking you up usually or? I never had a bad experience. Really? Not once. My friend, Pete, who is my best friend, we hitchhiked together a lot and, uh, he had

a guy, he went, he went to school in the Bronx and so he had a guy pick him up, two different guys, twice picked him up that were jerking off. Wow. Yeah. I could see that happening a lot. But for guys, here's the crazy thing about this whole, um, uh, what's his name, uh, Harvey Weinstein thing. And not just, you know, and you had some very interesting opinions on it when you, Christina

did my podcast the other day and I thought you had some very brave takes on it, me, meaning she would blow a guy for a job. Yeah. And her husband would encourage her. Yeah. A movie? A starring role in a movie? Not even starring.

I mean, if it's a big enough film. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Like a big Hollywood movie. I gotta show me the dick. Film for some film. Are you kidding me? Yeah.

If a guy jerked off. If a guy needed a ride and he gave me that ride still, I wouldn't mind if he jerked off. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And so I know a comedian who was kind of mentored by another comedian and, uh, the older comedian brought him over his apartment one night and he just started jerking off in front of him. And the guy just left and he fucking still considers him like a mentor.

Still. Oh yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What? Believe me.

I'm not belittling the Harvey Weinstein thing or any, but do I need to even say what I'm in the middle of saying? No. No. I think it's funny thing about guys is like guys forgiving guys doing, like guys can also feel like somebody could act violently, right? Yeah. A man and a woman be like, I'm going to stay away from that guy for the rest of my life.

And a guy can act violently in front of another guy, like a friend, I'm saying. And he'll still like, he'll get over, he'll be like. Oh, I had fistfights with all my friends, like, you know, you guys externalize your anger. He, you know, he punched the hole in that wall and broke that guy's job, but like he's a good guy. Yeah, we don't do that. No, I used to have fistfights with my close friends and we would get over it.

I mean, it would take a week. Yeah. And then we'd be over it. Yeah. Yeah. But I hear stories about guys jerking off in front of each other too. Like sleepover parties when you're young. You've heard those stories?

Yeah. Like I never heard those stories. My guy friends were like, yeah, we used to have sleeping bags and we'd sleep on either side of the bed and then we'd watch some movie and then we both jerked off. Babe, that's me. Serious? You did that? Yeah.

No. I used to go over across the street to my friend's house, I won't say his name, but, but we would, he would have, you know, everyone would be in sleeping bags and then we would put on the spice channel, but spice didn't come in. You would, it would snow. You're right. And then you'd get like some, some. Get a random shot.

Yeah. Get a random shot. And then everyone, no one would be like, hey, check me out, but everyone would be like humming the floor or like, you could, you could feel, you know, all the wrestling and the sleeping bags. And then people would be like, and then we're like 10, 11 and then everyone passed out. And that was like a sleepover on like a Friday, Saturday night for a year or two that was happening.

No way. All the time. And you never talked about it. No one talked about it. It was, yeah, it wasn't like people haven't, cause it was at the age of like starting to do that. In other words, like it's not like you're 15, 16, you've been doing it for a while. It's like 10, 11 years old.

You wouldn't even know. That's early there here at puberty. I guess I guess so. That was 21. Yeah. That's, I was the poor, poor Greg, I mean, 15 years old when that kicks in, like, did you have some kind of pituitary thing or, or why don't you know, I know, I'm just like, I'm not even, I didn't have hair for a long time.

And you know, I have kind of a high voice. I'm a, I'm a feminine man. And what I've always tried to overcompensate, but I've always tried to overcompensate by being tough and like being aggressive, like a little cocky, sharp tongue, little sharp tongue. But you know, that's all hiding a, you know, early years of having a shame with my body. Yeah. Do you know what?

In our high school, so I switched high schools and when I arrived at high school, I'm a freshman. I switched during my freshman year and after the first football practice, I'm a, I'm a freshman, but I'm playing with, you know, I'm on the varsity team because we're, we're doing a spring ball. So I'm, I'm, I'm playing for the first time in spring football on the varsity team. So people are getting after practice, taking their pads and their stuff off and I noticed all the guys going into the shower with their boxers on and like it's so weird.

So what happens is nobody wanted to shower naked, but why just they were just, it was like, I don't know, but here's the thing, like I'm a freshman. So I came from, I switched from a school where everybody was showering naked because it's a shower, but since I switched and there's upperclassmen wearing boxers in the shower, I just kept my boxers on too, because you didn't want to be the person who's insisting on being naked. Yeah. So people showered with their boxers on and then took their boxers off once they had a

towel around them. How interesting. Yeah. And this is, this is like, I'm 14 and these are like 17, 18 year old guys show, shower wearing in their boxers. You think actually for the shower, the, the most integral part of the shower is the asshole on the ball side. It is the only reason.

Yeah. And those boxes are so net football boxers. Like they've, you just ran around and just, you know, it's just gnarly. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And nobody, except for like, by the time I was a senior, the one kid who we suspected was gay and definitely turned out to be gay was walking around without boxers.

That was it. That was the only kid who took his box and he had a big fucking dick on him too. Wow. So he was like, Hey, what's up? It's out here. I've spent so little time around naked guys at the Friars Club. I used to belong in the Friars Club in New York. Yeah.

And they have the best steam room in New York city. It's like this old marble and this is going to sound crazy, but I swear to God, this is true. You go in and it's so old school Jewish that when you walk in, you put on a towel and you sit down and then this, this Yugoslavian guy comes in, this old Yugoslavian guy and he brings you ice water and a towel that's been dunked in ice and he hands it to you. And so you sit there and, and it's completely bald. Once you get in there, it's balls out.

And so it's all these old dudes and their sacks are like hanging over the bench and down towards the floor. Yeah. They're, you know, they're penis. You can't tell if they have a big penis or it's just melted. Yeah. The skin is overlapping over skin and gravity and life has just, yeah, wreaked havoc on these bodies.

Yeah. And there's splotches of hair sometimes. Yeah. The hair just fall out. Yeah. And so, and so you've finished with the shower and then you walk to the shower, you've finished with the steam and you walk to the shower and they have these giant fucking marble-sided showers with a, with a manhole cover size shower head on it and it blasts like a thousand

gallons a second. You feel, it's like, it's like being in a civil rights riot. There's German shepherds barking underneath this. And then you shout and then you, and then I would jerk off a lot. Not because I just saw those dicks, just because I was like 22 and I was just jerking off all the time. Sure. And so I would jerk off and then I would come out and the Yugoslavian guy would wait

for you and you'd have a dry towel and he would put it around your shoulders and then he would pat you dry, your neck. What? Then your arms, then your back, then your butt, then your legs and your feet. He would pat. Is that, is that an Eastern European thing? Yes, it is. So in Hungary.

Did you tip that guy? Oh yeah. You tip him every day when you leave. Yeah. It's normal. In Hungary, there's the thermal baths because the Turks were in Hungary at some point. And so they have the, you know, famous Gilaert hotel and you, you get buck naked and, and yeah, someone pats you down.

They're very hands on. They get very hands on. Don't you dare get a massage at the Gilaert cause that's like, you know, you're, you're buck naked and then like the big lady will open the curtain and like people will be walking by and you're just getting slapped and slathered with like soap. It's, it's, they're not as squeamish as Americans are about the body. Definitely. Yeah.

I think the Irish are very squeamish. I think it's probably a Catholic thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've always, yeah, it took me a long time. I'm not, I'm still not comfortable with my body, but.

Should we get naked? You want to? I'll get naked. I'll do hot yoga with you. I'm not right now. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. And then we'll do hot yoga here.

Cause it's going to get hot. It's going to get hot. It's going to get hot in here. Yeah. I'll tell you, after having a kid, I don't give a shit. And I think it's because you, when you give birth, you're wide open and like, I was pushing Ellis out as I was pushing the nurses had a shift change. So it was like five new people got to see my cooch split open.

Yeah. So you're just like, I don't care. I'm done. My body is a functional thing. Yeah. Like I don't feel weird about it. Yeah. I think I feel less weird than I used to, you know, like I, I used to bench press a lot

because that was how I overcame being skinny is like in college, I actually got kind of not big, but, you know, bigger. And the worst thing about that is then you get older and you, your tits fall. Yeah, mine have, yeah. And, and the, and you know, and it's just so fucking embarrassing to the point where you get so embarrassed that you stop being embarrassed. Right. Yeah.

And you just let go into it. Yeah. That's right. Surrender surrender to your ugly shitty body. And that's that thing you would, and that's what you end up, it's funny because you would I, you know, part of you admires, I do like the notably flawed person who really doesn't care. You know what I mean?

And then you're like, I want to be like that. And then sometimes you become like that and you're like, oh, I'm like, I just don't care anymore. Bobby Lee. Yeah. Well, and if you notice, if you, if you go on vacation or to any ocean or pool, most people have shitty bodies. That's right.

Yeah. That's right. It's a small section that I'm good. I do see them. I think I'm glad I'm looking at their body. But I think to myself, how much time and work went into their life full time at this moment? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, how many moments do people get to see their body? Like when we saw Perfect Dad on that last vacation, you saw Perfect Dad, we saw Perfect Dad fucking like Swedish, six, four sculpted, just every like with the V. Yeah, fucking the lower, you know, the lower ab V. Right. Good feet. One kid and walking with the other, we're like, what is this beautiful motherfucker? You have time to do it, to work out.

And his wife was like, okay, like an okay shape. But this dude was just, I mean, he looked, I was like, I bet this guy's an Olympian. Yeah. That's the type of build he had. But like he stood out amongst hundreds of, you know, like everybody else was dog shit. Well, how do you feel with the body change that you've just gone through? I mean, do you feel like you want to go out on the beach and show people your body now? No, no.

I think it's, you know, it's different. I was actually telling someone about it. It's like you, the change happens with, with like, with your weight and everything slowly. Yeah. And I think it just, you kind of get, it reinforces to you like, oh, like this still sucks pretty badly. Like my body, I'll be like, oh, like you're still, you're still pretty fat. And it's been a lot of weight is gone.

But then I always try to remind myself of like how getting out of shape actually took a long time. Cause what happens is like when you're, when you're in it, when you really are like really eating well and working out, it can be frustrating when you just some random day, you're like, I haven't eaten poorly in a month and I've done nothing but work out. And I'm, and you just see like your fat shitty flaws and you're like, that sucks. But then you go like, yeah, but to get out of shape, it wasn't like I ate three bad meals.

You know what I mean? And sitting and eating shitty food for years to put on that weight. So a month or two months or six months is not going to be like all that, all that bad shit is gone. It takes a long, long time. Yeah. Yeah. But I think, I mean, with me, like I definitely don't feel like, oh wow, this is like I joke

around, you know, like I don't tease Bert and you know, but like, I know, I feel like I'm in terrible. You look great, Tommy. I mean, I compliment you every day. You do. You look great. Well, thanks. So handsome.

Like your face looks so different. Your body looks fantastic. I think, I mean, you look great. Heavy. Thankfully I like you both ways. Yeah. I like you skinny. Yeah.

You definitely tolerated that. Tolerated. I like it. How about your body? You sucked off the, the mom. You weighed fast. Thank you. Yeah.

You dropped a lot. Yeah. I got real fat. Yeah. You know, you just don't eat carbs or sugar or have fun. No alcohol. It's suffering. It's just you have to suffer.

That's just it. That's the way, right? You just suffer. Well, I guess it's a matter of like your palate. I think for some people you get addicted to carbs and so the withdrawal from carbs and sugars is very intense. Intense. And I think for some people they just were never that into carbs, so it's not that big

a deal. Yeah. When I think about. Yeah. I, I'm not even going to say out loud what I want to say. Why? Well, no, I should because I can tell you how horrifying it was to be that skinny when I was little.

I literally eat anything that I want. Yeah. No, I get it, man. But everyone had like, I don't know, man, I, I, everyone has their own issue with different things. Yeah. So it's like, I've never had, for me, it's definitely food and I definitely was eating a great, like I was thinking about once you make a transition and, and for a while you're

conscious of your eating and you go, how I used to eat was so insane. Yeah. Especially as comedian. Oh yeah. I was thinking about like eating with normal people and, and like they would, you know, they would like a regular person would see one of my meals as like an indulge, like a vacation meal. I was like, I guess we'll do this today and I'm like, I do this every day.

Like I always do this and like, you know, I would eat just like with, I just no regard for it. You mean like a regular meal at a restaurant, what you would order like an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert? A hundred percent. Yeah. And like, and, and maybe like order another thing that like, I just want to try that. And, and like another entree or a side, maybe, maybe both.

No shit. Yeah. But I wouldn't even like, I wouldn't fucking even process it. And like, I would have, if I was on the road, I would have breakfast. I would have something like rich and fatty, but then I would be like, I got something sweet. So I have like a waffle and then like, if they're like, have you seen this bakery that has like, they have amazing croissants, I'd be like, let's go, let's go try it.

Yeah. I mean, I think I'm going to throw up. So let's wait like an hour. Yeah. But then when I'm done, like once it digests, like I just wouldn't, I wouldn't think that I wouldn't even think it was that much of an indulgence. Yeah. I would think it was kind of normal.

Yeah. Tommy, we used to, at our old house in a bag in Redondo last time we saw you, we used to make brownies. I would, I would bake brownies like every night and then every night and then we would eat like half the tray, nice and hot, put some ice cream on that and I'm like, well, no wonder, you know, we got, but here's the other thing before I always forget this before we invited the public to shame us about being fat, like Burton, I specifically, and we did this weight loss challenge.

Yeah. Dude, when I would post things on social media, maybe one out of 400 comments would be about being fat. Nobody would say anything to me. He was like, you're fat. One person might, you know, you're like, oh, this guy's a dick. Well, because you're built to be fat. You've got the bill.

I have a big fat. That is so great. Yeah, that's true. What a great thing to say. You're right. It's true. You are built to be fat. So people would just be like, it's fine.

You're built to be fat. That's a good name for a special. Shit, I have a new t-shirt. I just shot, I just shot a new special and, and I submitted the title, but I think it might change it to built to be fat. Built to be fat is amazing. That's a great title. I mean, you've got the face for it.

You've got a big head. Yeah. Yeah. Shoulders are broad. And then you had a beard into that. Forget it. You know what I might do? Put on 100 pounds and have another special called built to be fat, where it's like, I

put it all back on. Right. Well, yeah. I mean, what's her name? Got pregnant again to do her next special. Yeah. Allie. Allie.

Oh my God. You know, people are going to say that too. 100%. Oh, she did it again. Yeah. It gets intense. But it's a ticking clock. She's got to get the special done.

You know. Yeah. I mean, how old's the other baby? Her baby's like two. Oh, it's two already. Yeah. Her baby's, her baby's going to be two in like a month. Right.

Right. Yeah. She's, she's so fucking funny. She's great. She's a great person. Yeah. She's really sweet. So, okay.

So, I have a gift for you guys because, you know, when you had the baby, and Christina reminded me of this when I came on, I got you guys a white, a genie. Was it a wiper genie? No. The wiper warmer. Wiper warmer. Which, by the way, has become our go-to gift for expected parents. That's great.

Yeah. And we think of it as like, oh, this is what a comic should get. Yes. Yes. You think about a baby, and you think about how little control they have about joy and all that stuff. A hot wipe on the asshole is the best. It's just, every single time it would put the baby in a good mood.

Yeah. And by the way, if you're about to give me a notebook full of jokes, I'm super appreciative because I have, I need a new hour and I really, so do I, Greg. You remember that movie, Feel the Dreams, if they, if you build it, they will come? Yes. It's an empty notebook. Ah. But here's what it is.

Look right here. Look in this. This is what I, we kept since the, sorry, because how old is your kid now, nine months? No, he's almost two years old. No, almost two. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, he's almost two. What?

Yeah. God damn. All right, so I might be a little late with this, but not too late. We started this, somebody gave us this when, when the, when our first kid started talking. And it's you write down every quote, every cute thing that they say, or meaningful thing, and we've got it for years. And so I got you guys the same book, it's an old skinned, have you been keeping record of the things?

Well, I opened up an email account for Ellis when he was born, and we email him. We sent him photos, and video, and we write an email, but this is, do you write quotes of things that he said? No. We'll say like today we did this, and like you said, the, you know, kind of, like, I worry about that. All right. This is fantastic.

Thank you so much. And I brought, I brought mine so I could read you a couple of the good ones that my kids had said. Oh. All right. We got to show them that one. Yeah. Yeah.

This is special because it's handwritten from mommy and daddy. That is very, very sweet. And that's very special. Do you know how much like, because I was thinking about this, like, as we get, like, I'm 38, and like I have, you know, every year, like your appreciation and your relationship with your parents changed. Yeah. Like if I was my eight, like right now, reading this that my parents wrote, they would have

such an impact on me. Well, already, no, this thing is doggiered because my kids, they're, they're 17 and 14, like to sit around and read this. Oh, really? Oh, there's nothing kids when they're adolescents like more than to see pictures of themselves and hear what they were like. They love stories about themselves because they don't know who they are yet. Right.

Right. And they think it's hysterical when, when you show them that they were cute. All right. Owen was tired and he said, mommy, more snores, please. Do you want to take a nap? Oh, that's like so cute. And he said, wait, let me find the good one. This was the quote that we still quote almost constantly.

We were in the airport and we're flying from New York back to LA and we had to get up super early and Owen was three ish and he was cranky and we've got some breakfast. But we tried to give them good food. So we tried to find oatmeal. We couldn't find it. And so we ended up having to buy him a chocolate muffin. And so we give it to when he was so excited, he was like shaking. And then we said, but you can't eat the whole thing.

And I took the top off. I said, you can just eat the part that's in the thing. And he goes, daddy, you don't know all the rules about muffins. And to this day, we constantly say, you don't know all the rules about whatever it is that we're talking about. That's adorable. Tell me if this is too corny. I just thought we'd love it.

I'm going to do this for the e-man because he just started talking. He just started really lender. Run your finger along your crack. If you're us, you don't need to finger your hole. You don't want to come back with shit on your finger. And he was four. Jeez, this is Owen when he was six. I was carrying out a plate of fresh cut pineapple and he said, come on, daddy,

let's go eat some heaven. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. I like I think my favorite thing too is that he enjoys reading this. But that's really, really. Yeah. This is JoJo when she was about six. Violet's mom, her mom, her friends, black.

Violet's mom has really curly hair and wide fingernails, but that's OK because she's an extremely nice person. That's fantastic. I'm like qualifying it, you know, but that's OK. Yeah, you know, he wasn't not he not a racist. She was not a racist kid, but, you know, yeah, black and white is black and white. For sure. And then there's another black and white one.

This is Owen before watching a Michael Jackson video. Is he going to be black or white in this one? And then after watching the video, he said, I like his hair better after the fire. Oh, man, he was already slinging him. Damn. Then this is JoJo, the first week of school when she was in kindergarten. Everyone at school is always having fights to play with me. I hate myself because it's like I'm starting wars.

So when you hear these, you guys would just run to the notebook. Oh, yeah, I feel like it would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should keep it in like the kitchen or something. Yeah. And then she had like all of her friends were black for some reason, growing up. Maybe it's because we live in a really poor neighborhood. No, we live in Venice, so there's a lot of like, you know, diversity.

But she says, Mommy, why do I like all the dark ones the best? Oh, man, that is so funny. And then this was here's a little one act play. After Joe, my kids make fun of me going bald constantly. It's their go to thing still now. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But this is when they were really little. Yeah. JoJo was making fun of my hair falling out.

And then Owen said, don't listen to JoJo teasing you. And I said, thanks, Owen. And he went, you're welcome, baldy. All right, I'm not going to keep reading. Because I have no idea if this is in the way. No, it's not. It's really, really adorable. Yeah, we're going to do it. Thank you for that.

Yeah, JoJo. I remember that wanting to learn who I was and what I was like. And that's the thing is that you feel like it's true. It's like it gives you it gives you a sense of identity to know what you were like. Well, because our memories are so selective. I mean, I read this thing about interviewing eyewitnesses for jury pools and not jury pools for eyewitnesses

for trials and our ability to truly remember what happened is like 0.1 percent. It's like, you know, when and when you're talking about your childhood with all the emotions that go around it and you hear other people telling the story about you. So it's really their version of who you were. And so to have the actual quote from them shows them as close to you as you can get to who they really are.

And especially when my daughter is racist, the story is like clearly is something positive, like a positive quality, I think, where and like if you're in that age where maybe you're, you know, I don't know, you're your young teen and you're shy and you're not sure of yourself and they tell and you hear a story about your you being a little kid doing something where you were assertive. Yes. Or so that it's like it gives you confidence.

Yes, you go like, oh, like who I really am is the story you're telling. You know, it changes the way you feel about yourself. Right. And my parents told me a story when I was a kid because I grew up with a lot of black kids, too. And there was a kid with the blacks. There was a kid who invited me to his birthday party. And then I found out that he didn't invite our friend. His name was Yemi Awalibi.

He was from Africa. Didn't invite Yemi. And so I said to the kid who was like my best friend, but his mother didn't want Yemi there. I said I wouldn't go to the party. And I was only like seven. You're like, if this kid's not going on, he's not going on. I go because I figured in the musical

suck and nobody can dance. I went to high school with a kid named Afuma Obitua, who damn. Yeah, he was African. Oh, really? I think so. Yeah. That's funny. I was asking my dad to reminisce when I give birth to Alice. I was like, Dad, what was I like?

How much did I weigh when I was born? He goes, I don't know, normal. I'm his only child. Like you'd remember the one, right? Yeah, just normal. I remember the day was a bar. Remember the time? No. No.

It was you. I don't remember. Did they have a lot of pictures of you? No. Friday. No, they had an album. My mom put together an album. Yeah.

Yeah. You must have been a cute little kid. I was really attractive. Yeah. Really sweet. Yeah, yeah. God. Really cutie.

The pictures we had. And then the gothier set in. Oh. And I got real dark. What was that, like 12, 13? The darkness came over me. Let me ask you this, because this is good to know. My daughter now that she's 14 is going into that place where

she comes in the front door and is in a room very quickly. And you don't see her except for dinner. And, you know, she's actually very sweet, but she can be pissy towards my wife. When does that end? And were you aware that you were doing that and did you feel bad about it later? I don't feel bad about it

because I was hiding from my family. I didn't like being around them at the time. My family's different than what you guys had by far, like what you have, rather. A lot of it is high school drama. Did she just start high school? Yeah. Yeah.

So I think a lot of it is like what happened at school and she might be talking to her girlfriends about it. Like, oh my God, and then he did this or we did that. Like you're analyzing a lot of what happened to you. You're processing high school. Yeah. So that could be, I think that's really, it's like this girl world that you inhabit at that age.

So it ends when you start to realize you're not the center and like it doesn't matter. Like by 16, I think you're like, oh, I'm not the only human around and mom and dad are not that bad. That's quick to get out of it. My two sisters were really bad. By senior year. Really bad.

Yeah. I'm saying like with like kind of being rude and shitty to my parents and they were over it before high school ended. Yeah. And junior year. And they did feel bad and felt even worse later. Once they had kids. Before even having kids, like once you're like in your 20s,

they would feel like really guilty about how shitty their attitudes were. Yeah. Yeah. Like they feel really bad because like they were like, you know, like super embarrassed of them and like just like here. And they were just all snapping all the time. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck, man?

Like she's in ninth grade. She's in ninth grade. Yeah. That's a hard year. Ninth grade is the first year of high school. So it's like this huge leap into becoming a teenager, like a legit teenager. So, yeah.

Well, it's the best way to make you feel better. Let me show you this. This we were sent this video. This lady, she, she and her boyfriend were asked to leave a bus and then she didn't want to leave the bus. So the police are outside the bus and then she spit towards the cop. She spit on him.

She spit on him. And she spit on him. And she spit on him. And she spit on him. And she spit on him. And she spit on him. She spit on him. No, no, no, you're not.

I'm in so, I'm in so, I'm in. I miss him? Well, her boyfriend is trying to get, this is the boyfriend, is trying to get her off, like trying to get the policeman to not arrest her just by repeating that she's retarded. So she's not accountable. Oh, I didn't hear that.

She's retarded. She's retarded. Don't do it. She's retarded. She's retarded. She's retarded. I told you Tempo started. She's retarded.

And did you see the PC police step in and go mentally disabled? Don't even. But the cop was saying that? No, it's another bus rider is like, the word is developmentally disabled. And he continues like throughout, as they bring her off the bus.

It's back there, baby. She's back there. Don't get back there. She's retarded like your brother. Oh, no. She's retarded. She's retarded. She's retarded.

She's not disabled. She's retarded. He's correcting the guy that's trying to help her that's clearly her guardian. Right. Speaking of which, we're doing a benefit. Christina and I, I think you're out of town.

November 8th at the comedy store Best Buddies, which is a group of developmentally disabled people that I'm throwing this benefit for. But it's going to be Rogan, you, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Pete Holmes. Plus a black act to be named later.

Because you got to get one. My daughter will select you. I'll be in New York. I would love to go. It'll be fun. November 8th. Definitely support that. We'll catch you up on something that's been

rolling into this week. A few weeks ago somebody sent us this guy who, walking down the street, decided he was going to write a song into camera. There wasn't a lot going on in the song. He just...

Trying to see my song. Trying to see my song. Here we go. Trying to practice my song. This is my introduction to my song. Coming at you. Here we go. She's retarded.

Machines with thin. They got a gun. Terminator gun. Machines with thin. T-16. T-16. Trying to make my rap. Trying to practice on my flow.

Trying to practice on my flow. Machines with thin. Machines with thin. I'm on the street. I don't give a f of the haters. If all the haters. So that... You can't tell me you don't like that.

You enjoyed that. He's like, if DJ Khaled was actually dumber. So, we knew it would happen. We get of all the podcasts the most amazing song submissions. That was made specifically for your show?

No. But we know that whenever we play she's retarded clip. Someone will make a song out of that. Some of them are legit song production people. They'll just... Here we go.

Trying to practice. This is my own song. This is my introduction. This is a certified hood classic. Yeah, I got a gun. You can turn me a gun. Yeah, I got a gun. Amazing.

It's a real song. You know? Yeah, I got a gun. You can turn me a gun. You got a gun. He's got a gun. Auto tuned him. Beautiful.

Machines with thin. Machines with thin. T-16. T-16. 100%. Machines with thin. Machines with thin. Machines with thin.

So, those came in... I've been having machines within stuck in my head for the last two weeks. Machines with thin. It's kind of catchy though, right? Sounds like a vibrator store. Yeah. It's incredible.

And more machines within came in this week. So, here's... Get a gun. Terminator gun. Let's see what this one is here. Yeah! This is it. This is the mix.

Yeah. It's a good song now! Incredible. That's amazing. This is a song. This is, by the way, this is... So good. Machines within metal by machine.

So, it made it real. Dude, it's a good song. He put a band together and... No, so what happens is like, Okay, so for like the first few what happened was people took the audio that we played of this guy walking down the street with machines within and they created

a song out of that. In other words, they looped in beats and they made a song out of it. This one right here, I don't know if on that one right there they actually sang it themselves or whether they distorted it or not. I don't know.

It's pretty amazing. But like this guy right here just submitted this also. So, here's a little different take on machines within. I mean, I thought I'd throw it away. It's going to be the folk version. Big fans saw you,

saw Tom and Indy, and it was an amazing time. We kept singing machines within all day, so... How do you sing it? It just popped into my head, so I hope you enjoy it. Oh, I was right!

It's good! That's amazing! That's by Kyle. Machines within by Kyle. So good! That's impressive. Impressive, man. I mean...

This guy's inspiring people. I've blown away. These two. Had I known it was going to be folk. I don't know. You did nail that. Incredible. That's amazing.

That's my pick. Oh, and they both work. That's the thing. These guys found a way to make the song work. It's all about the producer, man. It's all about the producer. You've got to find your... Well, do you guys put out an album once a year?

No. We should do a Christmas song. Here we go. Here we go. I've got another beat down for you. Doctor's this is my song. This is my introduction to my song. This is my introduction to my song.

Here we go. This is awesome. I feel like a guy was stalling during an alright exam. Oh, wow! Kind of crazy. This is What's Jeans? What's Fake?

DJ Meat Farts. Unbelievable. What talent. DJ Meat Farts has a good little sound system. Yeah. You know what? Somebody tweeted me

that T16 is the gun. It's all Terminator. Yeah, of course. I didn't know that. So somebody wrote in my husband's steward as an avid listener. Your mom's house listens while working.

He came home the day. Machines within episode was played. It's always been singing. The song is stuck in my head. I haven't listened to it. It's hard to get down dirty. And the scene's missing. The scene's what it is.

All I'm hearing beforehand. As a previous writer submitted, that juggalo has tapped into something in my husband. And now I'm afraid of my husband is going to convert to juggaloism. You guys are an awful influence to my 27-year-old husband.

Much love. Christy. It's infected all of us. Machines within has changed all of our lives. If I do kill multiple people, that will be what I'm humming. Do you want to know something? That guy posted another video

of a new song. Yes. My introduction. Much love, no hate. Much juggalo for life. Are you ready for Halloween? I am the masked murderer of mayhem. Masked murderer.

My song is called The Masked Murder of the Grave. Oh, it's so far away. Masked murderer of the grave. The Masked murderer of the grave. Of the grave as can be. Masked murderer of the grave as can be. Masked murderer makes me cool.

You know what's great? In joke writing, you really gotta make your premise clear. And that's what he does with songs. He's like the Chris Rock of rap. He really sets it up. Yeah. Here's what the song's about.

Well, and for people that aren't watching, he has blood on his face and is close. I mean, we'd have buried the lead on that. I know, we did leave that out because we're like, yeah, it's kind of important. He's just got that on there. There's a lot of blood on his face and we didn't even mention it

because we're like, this is, that fits. Yeah. Masked murderer. I'm the masked murderer to the grave, from the grave to the grave. Masked murderer from the grave. Another hit. Masked murderer from the grave. Yeah.

Masked murderer from the grave. The NRA is gonna be defending this guy soon. Masked murderer from the grave. I'm chopping the verse. Masked murderer makes me cool. Masked murderer makes me cool. Yeah, masked murderer makes me cool. Cool as can be.

Must love no hate. Must love no hate. It sounded like cool as candy. Oh my God. I mean, how is it possible this guy's two for two in the hit machine? Yeah. Deep down in, deep down in the pit.

In the grave. Spiritually. Masked murderer from the grave. In the grave. Spiritually from hell. Hell as chaos. Do you think he could do a live, do you think he could do a live show?

I think we're, Yeah, if you could book him as your opener, is that what you're saying? Yeah. I mean, like, do you think he could handle it? It's a good five minutes. That's a solid five. Yeah, for sure.

Try to get him to shut up once you're on stage though. The masked murderer of the grave. It's good. A grave as can be. Somebody already sent it in? Masked murderer of the grave. Wait, how did they hear it? Did you play this in a previous episode?

No. Somebody found this video and made the song. So they sent us the video and their version. But then next episode, people will have made much more on that. Masked murderer from the grave. It's good. Masked murderer from the grave.

Here we go. Here we go. Masked murderer from the grave. Chopping the verse. Masked murderer makes me cool. Masked murderer makes me cool. Masked murderer makes me cool. All right, Dave.

Masked murderer makes me cool. All right, Dave. Cool as can be. Much love, no hate. Much love, no hate. He has quite a lyricist. I'm a masked murderer. That is No Chase with that song.

Thank you, No Chase. Thanks to everybody for sending in your machines within remixes. Those were really good. Looking forward to She's Retarded songs next week. They're really good. This guy does have a gift for the idea though. I'm saying this juggalo guy.

Yeah. He does have a gift of putting together like silly catch things, silly catchy ideas. Maybe he could write jingles maybe, you know? He could write for the insane clown posse maybe. I mean, that's quite a leap. Put him with the Jimmy What's-his-dick and that. Oh, Jimmy Iveen.

Yeah. No, right. Did you watch that Defiant Ones on HBO about Jimmy Iveen and Dr. Dre? Like a four point. No, no, no, no. It's fantastic. Oh, is it good? Especially if you love music.

It's so good, man. Yeah. Their story. Like bananas. Yeah. It's so, it's insane how he got into being a record producer. You know, he was like cleaning up a studio. Yeah.

For a job, like after hour, like just mopping. Right. And then they're like, do you know how to run a board? Yeah. And he was like, no. And the guy shows him how to run a board. That's amazing. And it just like, and it leads like one thing into the next.

And then he's sitting there like engineering a Springsteen album. Wow. And then he tells the story. Oh, that's right. Yes. Springsteen talks about it in his book. It's wild. Yeah.

And then how about, I think it was, I mean, his Catholic and it was like an Easter, where there, one of the guys was like, you need to come. We need you here today. He's like, it's Easter Sunday. And the guy was like, fucking come to the studio. Yeah. And his family was like, come on, you're not leaving on this. He's young.

He's like in his early 20s. And he goes in and it's for, it's a Lenin session. Wow. Yeah. So he's sitting there like, he's like, I just said, fuck Easter Sunday. Yeah. And just, he was, Are you kidding me?

I'd say fuck Easter forever. He didn't know. He just went in. He was telling me to come in. Yeah. Damn. Well, that's the thing I always tell young people now that you're at a certain age and you talk to a lot of young people about, you know, everybody wants advice and everybody

went and, and it's, it's hard because if you catch me on a bad day and this has happened, I've talked kids out of going into show business. My friend Tom asked me to talk to his son. And he wanted to go into comedy writing and I read his scripts and it was okay. It was okay. Yeah. And in this business, it's got to not just be good. It's got to be excellent and it's got to be original.

There has to be like, you know, like somebody, a spec script that gets traction in this town is like somebody will take a Partridge family episode from 1971 and then they'll put in ISIS as Kara. Like you have to come up with shit that's crazy. Right. And then on top of it be so well written. And so, and I just said to him, I go, look, man, you got a college degree. There's just, there's so many other things to do.

And his father, who's black, got really upset with me. He's like, dude, what did you fucking tell my son? And I was like, I'm sorry, man. It was a bad day. It was a bad day for me. Yeah, but I get that. I totally get that. I did, you know what I did once?

I mean, I, I don't think I did the wrong thing. I picked the wrong time was I told a comic who was booked by a club that was emceeing to not do so much crowd work. Oh, what's wrong with that? Well, I told him because he was doing it every show. Yeah. And it was like Saturday between the first and late show where I go, look, man, I got someone's going to take someone's going to take this at some point.

And like you should know that like when you're on a headliner show like this, like you really don't, it shouldn't be up to you to just decide to do 10 minutes of correct. And he was like, well, and I go, I'm, I'm not trying telling you this to, uh, to be rude, but like you're, you're basically dictating that like that's the tone of what they're about to see. You're actually making it, it's not really fucking up my show, but it's like the middle two on this hierarchy is definitely above you is now like put in this thing where he's like, has to adapt to your crowd work.

Exactly. Not only that, now you, you and the feature, I have to watch him every show. So you don't talk to the same people he's talked to. It's, so I, I did it in like a nice way, but man, he was shell shocked and I couldn't tell right away. He went up there and bombed. Hmm. And then afterwards, like, you know, I, I didn't say much to him after his set, but after the

show, he was like, I go, dude, like somebody was going to tell you that. And they might not have even been as nice about it as I was. Yeah. I said, but you think you can just get on like fucking bill birds show and just be like, I'm just going to do fucking crowd work. Yeah. I go, you can't do that shit. Yeah.

And he was like, really? I go, it's not like, this was like a showcase thing. You can do what you want. You know, there's 20 comics going on. Fine. I go, but like, this is not that show. This is a weekend show. And he was like, I guess, you know, I just, I guess you telling me like two minutes before

I went up kind of threw me off. And I was like, sorry. Yeah. Well, you're like the big scary headliner. I felt bad about the timing of it. Yeah. I was like, yeah, I guess. I know we're, it's, it's powerful for a young comic to hear from a, you know, a legend.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you go, where you tell, especially if you tell them like right, if someone tells you to go up. Well, I always do this thing when I'm on the road. And I don't know when I started doing it, but every time the MC, and sometimes I've met the MC for two, enough to get my, my intro, because if it's the first night, I just haven't spent time with him.

Yeah. And I always will go, he'll go, Greg Fitzsimmons. And then I come up and then when he shakes your hand, when he walks off, I always go, thanks faggot. And then I do my set and I never talk about it. And then the next time I go up, I'll go, thanks homo. Yeah. And I just keep it, he thanks cocksucker and I do it each time.

Yeah. And they, they never bring it up. And then this one guy comes up to me Saturday night between shows. He's like, he goes, did I do something? He goes, did I do, did I go long? I keep thinking that I did that bit that's similar to yours. And is, did that make you mad? He, he was going through what I, what it could mean.

I go, no dude, I do that to everybody. I go, I never, I never imagined anybody would take it as anything but a joke. Of course. Of course. I can imagine though, if you're that guy, the anxiety he probably had for dates. Oh my God. Yeah. The next day he's probably like, I thought it was a good show, but I told me,

he was calling me a faggot. He goes, is it because that guy, I was doing crowd work with that guy and I kind of like back down and I thought that maybe that's why you kept calling me that. And it's like, I didn't have the heart to tell him, I didn't watch all of his sets. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Man.

That's the other one is when they, sometimes they're like Saturday, the MC will be like, do you see the set? And I go, not once, not the whole week. You guys are terrible people. And then I'm like, I just, I can't do it then. I don't want to watch. It's hard because sometimes if I watch the feature and he's got a bit that's really close to mine, it depresses me because I realize this kid is in Oklahoma and he's a feature

and we're thinking the same joke. So I don't even care if we repeat a similar joke. Like I used to watch so I didn't repeat a joke. And now I just figure it's more detrimental to even know. True. That comedy is this easy. Right. And I think it's so hard.

Right, right. And then you're like, that guy's not even that good. I know. I know I've said that too. Yeah. You're like, that's one of my, that's a good, that's an original thought. I know. I thought at the time like, damn it, I found one lightning in a bottle.

It's depressing. I thought of one today actually when I was on the toilet and I wrote it on my phone, which is Yelp is essentially like you can tell, cause I was yelping hot water heaters. We need a new hot water heater. And you just see the range of opinions that people can have about a piece of hardware and that, you know, in any given case, a factory worker didn't put a nut on or didn't. And so it doesn't make the company evil. It just means that there's a variance in quality of things.

Sure. But it becomes like a Rorschach test for the person that's doing the reviewing. Yeah. And it's always like, this hot water heater makes me feel lonely. And someone else is like, this thing gets me laid. That's true. So I want to put really innocuous things on Yelp and just see how people like friendship. Yeah.

See how people, how do you Yelp friendship? How do you Yelp it? That's true. Cause it is one big projection, your experience of something in like the particular form of rejection. And you can always look for the negative as something or you can look for the positive. Yeah. We've been, by the way, we've emailed, we put out there a bunch of these questions that originally we put out, I think like, how do blind people know when they're done wiping?

Yeah. And then blind people would write in and tell us or like, how did deaf people wake up in the morning? And then last week we asked about how to cop. It's been a lot of dumb questions, Greg, to see now. How do cops handcuff a one-arm guy, like when they have a one-arm guy? Here's your answer. Here we go.

We got the answer. Hey, mommies, I'm a police officer on the East coast. I'm explaining to you how to cuff a one-arm perp. First option is to cut off one hand and put the other cuff. Cuff off. Cuff off one hand. Put the other cuff on a belt loop on the opposite side of their jeans. If they're foolishly not wearing their jeans high and tight, then they just get cuffed to

a stationary immovable object. Thanks, Bryn. And the Canadian answer, I didn't know we had a different answer there. You just hold their hand. The police, okay. On your recent pot, I heard you asked police how to handcuff someone with one hand. I'm a police officer in Canada and recently helped arrest a one-handed man. No way.

The short answer to the question is we can't. One would assume that you could just cuff his one hand directly to his ankle, but department policy specifically prohibits this because it is considered hard tying. And can cause fat people with respiratory problems to stop breathing. We are issued nylon wreck leg restraints. However, they are useless if the arrested person is also not handcuffed because they can just bend over and take them off. The only restraints that we consider acceptable are the metal shackles that would cuff his

hand to the front and have a long chain reaching around down to the ankles. They are loosely cuffed together. Metal cops don't carry shackles, so we just shoved him into the back of the van. Hope this helps and thanks for the great podcast. Justin, we'll thank you both, Brim and Justin for the... Imagine that being one-armed and overweight. Like it couldn't get worse. And committing crimes.

You're arrested. Your life is just shit. You're in jail, you're fat, and you've got one arm. I was watching Trudeau on the internet. You know that Canadian ban, the Tragically Hip? Yeah. It's like Canada's Pride, right? And the lead singer died.

And here's like sweet-ass Trudeau crying about this lead singer. Did you see him by any chance? Just when women couldn't love him anymore, right? Yeah. He was like, this guy was like our national treasure. And I was like, imagine if Donald Trump, like our stupid president, but you faggots crying about some ban. Right.

Get it together. Yeah. I'm like, oh my, what a difference. I know. He's got it. Military guys go down and he doesn't even take it seriously. I see that thing this morning. It's so brutal.

Where the widow of the soldier that died was on Good Morning America. And she was like, yeah, that account that Frederica Wilson gave of how the president spoke is spot on. Oh my God. And she was, what made me really sad was that he couldn't remember my husband's name during the call. And he immediately tweeted, I spoke to her and I never hesitated about his name from the very beginning.

Like he tweeted that immediately. Oh boy. The amazing thing is there was a witness to the first call. So number one, what's the agenda of a fallen soldier's parent to lie about the president of the United States? Right. And then you've got corroboration from a congresswoman, not just Johnny, you know, shithead in the back of the van.

No, for this woman, she was on the call, it was speakerphone, her aunt, her uncle, the congresswoman and the driver. Yeah. And she's like, nope. And he's like, that's not what happened. No. He's really into that. Just lies.

Yeah, he's crazy. Wow. Yeah, why would, it's true. That's not even your priority to call out the president at that moment. Well, and it all started because he was taking shots at Obama saying that he didn't used to call. Meanwhile, Obama called every one of them, followed up with a letter and usually called back six months later.

So why go after, first of all, it's like a lawyer says, don't ask a question, you don't know the answer to. Don't attack Obama on something that you don't know the answer to, especially when you're actually guilty of it yourself. Yeah. Well, he's a sociopath. It's crazy. It's bananas.

She's just banned. So depressed. Ban Trump talk from all podcasts. Oh man, let's hear it. Let's change it. All right, we got it. We got it. No one.

So Greg, we're big dental fans here. We like knowing what's going on inside people's mouths. I'd like to know, have you been to the dentist recently? This. I've been to the dentist and floss recently. See the wisdom tooth is not here. Yeah. Got it out five days ago.

Five days ago. Wow. Five days ago. I just saw you then. Yeah, I think it was that day. No. Yeah. What?

What? Yeah. That didn't bother me. Didn't bother me. Wait. Are you kidding me? Before we get to the detail of this, how are you a regular, like are you good at oral care?

Do you floss? I floss every day. Thank God. Because I've got a couple of niches in between my molars that just, they just fill up. I eat anything. I've got something in those, in those spots. It drives me crazy. And so I love the little handheld flossing devices.

I don't like those. They don't work for me. I like those. I like them. I keep those in my bag and then I floss every night. I brush at least three times a day. I'm consumed with having bad breath because when people have bad breath, I can't hang out with them anymore.

Dude, it's ruined a few, like people that I want to hang out with. Yes. It's all I think about. Yes. Like a friend and I'm just like, I don't know. It's weird. Like I can't bring it up. I bet if we both wrote down three names of comedians with bad breath, they would cross

over. I bet, I bet at least one. Let's do that. Okay. When we're off the air. So anyway, so I go in and I was feeling this pain when I bite on the right side of my mouth. And so I went in and, and, and I swore.

And how often do you go to Dennis? Do you go regularly? Yeah. I go once a year. Okay. Oh, I take my teeth very seriously. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

You know, it's very good. You'd be surprised because I only asked because of the range of ant. Like some people come in here or they'll email in and they'll be like, haven't been to Dennis in 10 years. Yeah. And then they go, because you guys talked about all the time, I just decided to go. And we get the full range. Some people were like, I had 26 cavities and some people were like, you wouldn't believe

it. I haven't been in 10 years. Nothing. Yeah. I'm fine. I have very hard teeth. I didn't get a lot of cavities in my life. My mom's got hard teeth.

We don't get cavities. They're very white. Is that a natural? I don't know. I used toothbrush with the whitener in it. Maybe that's it. Hit me with a smile. Hit me with like a 10.

Oh, yeah. This one's fake. This got knocked out and they put it in and that was when I was 15 and it's still going strong. Wow. Amazing. They put a crown on it last that long. Now, what about veneer work, porcelain?

No. Nothing like that. No bondings of any kind. No bondings. Wow. So you're, you're feeling a pain though. So I'm feeling a pain when I bite and I'm convinced it's my second molar. Right.

Yeah. And so I go in and the guy takes, takes like a Q-tip and he says, bite down and he keeps biting down and I'm not feeling the pain and he keeps going and then he goes back to the wisdom tooth and I bite on that and there's the pain. And so it was like this phantom thing where I thought it was this tooth but it was the other one. Yeah, yeah. So then he goes, all right, well, you know, we can, we can, he says, I think it's cracked,

he said. And so, because I, I do have filling in that one and so the wall of it was too thin. So he goes, all right, we're going to pull it next week. And so I go home and then that week I'm chewing and all of a sudden I chew on something hard and it was the outside piece of the wisdom tooth had fallen off and I crunched down and here's the amazing, amazing thing about the human tooth dental system. You will be biting full speed. What is that?

20 miles an hour each bite? Sure. And then if something is in there that's hard, your teeth stop in a nano millimeter before crushing down. Isn't that incredible? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just stops.

Yeah. Even when you're fat. It stops. True. And so, so I went in and he, he went in to pull it out and he shot me with a Novocaine and all I'm asking is in advance, I'm like, so can I get like barbiturates or whatever? Can I get some opioids? Yeah.

And he's like, I don't think you'll really need it. And I'm going, you know, I'm pretty pain sensitive and I'm really not, but I want to get them and give them to my friends. And so, and so he goes in and he's like, gives me the penicillin shot and not penicillin, the numbing thing, right? The Novocaine. Novocaine. And then, and then he's picking, he's poking around and then all of a sudden he holds it

in front of me. It took like three minutes. He just popped it right out and then, you know, gave me some gauze to chew on. And I did three shows that night with the gauze in my mouth here in LA. And then I, and then I went out the next day, took the gauze, you know, I had the gauze out overnight. The next day I was, I was fine and I haven't had any pain. Some people get wisdom teeth out and for whatever reason, it's bleeds and it gets infected

and they have pain for like, they weaved something back then when I, when I had mine taken out, they weaved in some cloth that had a painkiller in it, but it had a clove clover clove. Yes. Disgusting. And I, I absolutely cannot stand it. So I was driving around like, and tasting the clove taste and I had to, I called and I was like, you have to put something else in. Like I'm going to, I'm going to be not, I'm going to throw up.

So I had to go in, they had to weave it back, put another one in. Wow. I never, I've never heard this story 12 years and I, I never knew this about your dental history, Tom. I know. Well, you always get something exciting and fun with a dental update. Yeah. So now you do a dental, not every episode, not every episode, but it's a, we've probably

done, I don't know, 50 of them and we like to do. It's funny that like we, we aligned with this company where we're both they're like trying to make oral care more a part of the conversation and we naturally did this, been doing this for years. Like we just bring it up because I think we're just, I don't know, someone started and no, it started as a joke. It was a red bands house because I had put the veneer stuff or some dental work done. No, I had a crown replaced my point is that and it was so boring to talk about on the

podcast that we made it a segment. It was the stupidest thing anybody could talk about dental point of fascination. In other words, like, and it really is interesting to hear people's take on, like it's, it's so extreme that there are people who come sit here and are like, don't brush, don't do anything. And you're like, yeah, it's just, I don't know. It's like one of those things that you take for granted that someone's probably going to take care of it and well, and it is like old people.

One of the first things they'll tell you is take care of your teeth when you get old and that shit starts popping out when you're in pain. I, I've asked, I always ask whenever I go to any type of medical professional, as soon as you get that rapport going with like the nurse, I'm always like, tell me some wild shit. Like what? And they told me that, like, I go, what's the craziest thing you see here in the dentist office?

And they're always like, oh, it's old people who have neglected their teeth completely. It smells bad. When they come in now. They said, like, you know, some of them will tilt their head back and there's just food packed in the holes and in between and I'm like, and the smell, they're like, it's not describable smell. It's a, it's the most nauseating thing you've ever seen. And you got to get it.

And then the dentist assistant has to get in there with the floss and floss all out. Oh, it's so gnarly. Being a dental hygienist, could you even imagine the smells of those sites? And you're working for a suicidal boss. Number one suicide rate. Why do they want to kill themselves so badly? Because no one wants to be there. It's monotonous.

And people are afraid when they get there. I mean, I catch myself in the chair and I go, oh my God, every muscle in my body is tensed right now. And they pick up on that as opposed to being a comedian where, well, how fucking great is our job? People come in, they drink, they relax, they, and, and it's also like, I was thinking about this, like, we're not that good. What we do is not that good because we learn over time to be calm and act like we know

what we're doing. But the truth is, those two or 300 people are sitting there with an agenda. They are there to laugh. It's like when you go to a sad movie, you're there to cry. I don't cry. When I go to a sad movie, I cry. So when I go to a comedy show, it doesn't matter how funny the person is. I paid, you know, whatever they're paying to get in, 20 bucks, 25 bucks, and two drinks.

They're fucking laughing. Right, right. Maybe, but then again, there's the, the, I dare you to make me laugh people too. Yeah, but that's not most of them. But that's not most. But if they're watching your special, so that's different on TV, it's different. Yeah. And then it's a challenge.

Yes. Yeah. The best is when you, you're getting these now. Different dynamic. The emails that I get emails like, I press play on your, on your special knowing that it would suck and you're like, and you're like, cool. And then they're like, I gotta admit, I did laugh and I was totally not expecting to do.

You're not, you're not as shitty as I thought you would be. And you're like, that's a very nice. It's a nice compliment. And you know, they think that they're being clever, but it really is so annoying. It's so annoying. Those emails or after shows, when someone comes to go, hey, you weren't that bad. It's like, just walk, just fucking walk away. Yeah.

Yeah. I always, the one that I always tell is like the, the pretty, like they're like, you're pretty funny. And you're like, would you, would you honestly walk up to another human being and qualify a compliment like that? Yeah. Like, would you approach a woman and be like, you know, you're not bad looking. Yeah.

You know, it's like, like the way that you're saying that is such a shitty tone to say, like, you look pretty funny. Well, it means that that guy probably sees himself as the funniest guy in his office and he can't give up the alpha status to you. That's really interesting. Yeah. I never, I never thought of it that way. There's a lot of alpha.

Yeah. I mean, we're assuming alpha status and it's same for you. Yeah. You know, you're walking in and you're saying, that's why women do one of the many theories why women are, you know, there's that thing of like, women aren't funny and is all that's like, well, no, it's that you won't give over to the way I just described people walking into club and sitting down and giving over. I think there's a criteria for who they will give it over to as well.

And for men, they don't, they don't want to give up their alpha status. Yeah. It's a position of power to hold a microphone and to be like, you're listening to me for the next hour of your life. Yeah. So, uh, women aren't allowed to be loud, vulgar, aggressive. It's societally frowned upon for a woman to assert that kind of power. Yeah.

It's not attractive. It's not sexually attractive. It's so funny to see how threatened men are, um, in all aspects of like on social media, I was thinking about like all the shit talking, like all the hate, it's all dudes and I probably have a more obviously skew more male followers, but like all the fucking hate, all the shit talking. It's all guys. Yeah.

It's all guys. It's like unprompted. They're just pushing their issues onto you. Yeah. You know, it's like, whatever they're attacking you for, sometimes it's like, oh, you know, you have this, uh, nice fucking shirt asshole and you're like, what? Yeah. What?

Yeah. You know, or it's like, yeah, you think you're so fucking funny. What about some guy wrote me, like I did some sarcastic posts and he was like, easy to say when you have success and your wife has, makes money and blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah. Right. Instagram posts. You're right.

I'm just joking. Although when a woman criticizes me, she's almost always dead on. So it's like, that thing you said, it was actually kind of racist. You go, yeah, not like thinking about it. You're right. Yeah. You're right. That's true.

I got a lot of females criticizing me now from the special. Yeah. It's a lot of female on female hate. Really? Oh yeah. Yeah. I think women just feel more comfortable. Yeah, absolutely.

Criticizing their own. Yeah. Total 100%. Yeah. Because what I get from guys is like, I usually hate female comics, but you're funny like a guy's funny. And then I'm like, thanks. I think?

Thank you. I don't know. You're not like every other dumb broad out there. Yeah. Good job. Wow. What a compliment. By the way, did you pick up on this, the David Cross thing?

Did you hear about this or read about it? What happened? How he was accused of being racist, but like in a tweet? Well, I saw that there was an Asian comedic actress. Let's not even say her name. I don't want to give this person any thunder. Well, I mean, it's a known story. I think that, you know, David Cross is his whole sensibility is ironic.

Yeah. I mean, it's like Sarah Silverman. Yeah. To call anything she says is racist is like, well, then you don't get what this person's doing. That's what I thought too, man. And the other thing that I want to say, like, yeah, we have to give some sense. I mean, it's literally like me calling that guy faggot as being homophobic.

Right, right. Yeah. Like that's literally how out of context that would be for David Cross. So for the story, if people know is that the person, the comedic actress was, I think I think it was at a bar in on location before shooting a movie is how I understood it. And like people are getting together at the bar and that he approached and she said that he was like, um, he said something to her and she was like stunned by what she made fun of her pants or something.

And then he was like, you don't want to speak English and then challenged her to a karate fight. And I was like, yeah, I, you know, I just thought like, but if you're, because you're a calm, the person who's saying it was, is a comedian. Yeah. Don't you think that like, if you know David Cross, that he is actually playing like playing the part of that stupid person in an improvisational moment, right? Like that's how I was like, wouldn't that be like automatic?

It's a compliment that he would think that you'd be okay with it. Right. Of course. A hundred percent. Yeah. Um, and I just felt like, I don't know. I mean, I'm not Asian. So I don't have the right to like say whether or not it's offensive, but I'm like, but

I am a comic and I'm like, yeah, like if, if he came up to me and started like doing what David Cross does and like jumping into like a character and insulting me, like that's supposed to be the fun thing that you're like, oh yeah, man. Like, yeah. Yes, and it. Yeah. Yeah. Like you go along with it and to recount it 10 years later and be like, oh, that was

so painful. It just sounded like, I was like, oh, it's so weak and I mean, well, that's the problem now with the whole me to pound sign me to hashtag. Yeah. Is that it's so undefined and it's such an excuse for anybody to just bitch about feeling slighted at some point, feeling slighted and being sexually harassed are very different things. Yeah.

Or racially harassed. I mean, the whole problem is the non specificity, specificity, specificity. Yeah. For instance, if you're going to call someone a racist and you're going to do it on Twitter in 150 characters or less, like is that really fair to put someone on blast in two sentences? The answer is no. Yeah. It's stupid.

It's not fair. To tell that story, like we met at the bar before, like, you know, as a, like as a cast and then like to take all the nuance out of the conversation and then be like, here's racist to me. Well, it's also a misuse of the word racist because racism is the, the, the, the person who has the power using that power to objectify or oppress the person of another race, less a race. The lesser race.

Yeah. The superior race. Right. Acting superior basically is a crime. Yeah. We earned it. Yeah. Look at this.

We only fucked within our thin gene pool for thousands of years so we could be better. Yeah. But I mean, but I mean, racism is the acting out of a prejudice. Yeah. So just making an up not even say, say David Cross was in a friend of the most liberal, well-spokenly, you know, democratic guy, if he say this in one moment of his life decided to be a racist, he didn't do anything about it. He didn't keep her from getting in a movie or on stage.

Right. So there's no crime. And I think he is one of the most liberal. He is like really, he and his wife, I followed them on Instagram. Yeah. He's sweet. I doubt that. And what the hashtag me too thing, I'd like to know what the stories are.

I feel like if it, if it's not specific, it's like, what's, what is, how is this helping people? Yeah. There you go. Because in sharing stories, that's how people help each other. Do you know what I mean? That's an Asian woman, by the way. Yeah.

Making fun of another Asian. Well, she was, no, she, this woman is actually talking about how, how she said that like, that she'll fight your ass even though I'll let her say it. So, yeah. Ain't shit without them eyelashes on that makeup one, a bitch wear, I'm still cute as shit. Get the fuck out of here. I might look a little bit more ching chong, ching chong, but don't get me fucked up, bitch.

I'm still hood as shit and we'll fuck your ass up. Okay. You want to fuck with my money? Huh? You want to fuck with my money? Oh, I fucking love that. Yeah. Yeah.

So she's like, that's a character. Yeah. She's a, she's a real hood ass chick right there. What does she look like? She's, um, I guess, I think, was she Chinese, Vietnamese? Yeah. She's an Asian lady. And, but she like, uh, from New York and talks like, like super ghetto.

Yeah. Fuck with my money. And then it goes up. She was like, oh, I might look like I'll ching chong, but I'll fuck your ass up as I should. You want to fuck with my money? You want to fuck with me? Yeah.

Yeah. I thought I was gonna fuck with me. Me. Do you want to fuck with me, man? Me. Me. Oh, me. You want to fuck with me?

Me. Me. Oh, me. Me. Me. So that's Vietnamese, right? You want to fuck with me? Me.

Yeah. Me. Me. I don't. Me. Me is her name. I don't know. Yeah.

The, uh, Vietnamese gangs are badass. 01:32:49,320 --> 01:32:50,320 I forget why. There was like an influx of Vietnamese gangs and, uh, the cops would talk about how, you know, it all started with like, you know, the Italian mobsters, right? And that mafia where really they just, they killed other fat guys. There wasn't, there wasn't too much. And then along came like, um, you know, uh, inner city, Crips and Bloods and they were

killing other bystanders got killed a lot. But then these Vietnamese gangs came along and they said these motherfuckers were scarier than any of the other gangs because these guys would just black fucking open fire. There we do is all kinds of hits going on and, and they said they were, they were really fucking tough. And then of course the Russians came savages that just like trumped everyone. And then, you know, I remember when we were kids, like the big thing when I was growing up, my mother's Peruvian is we would always refer, everyone would refer to the Colombians

as like the most savage, you know, cause they're like the cartels and they're like, they're so violent. And then they were definitely, I mean, they look like fucking kindergartners next to the Mexican cartels. There's so much way more savagery in the Mexican cartels. Like fucking will kill a whole kid, like school full of kids and all the teachers and stabbed notes into them so that when the cops come, the notes are stabbed into the kids, dead bodies.

Really? Yeah. Because like they were trying to oppress the cartel in that area. Crazy shit like that. You know? That's like in way, like, but I'm saying like left over, you know, what's, what's like member apocalypse now when, when at the end he's talking about how the Americans would send medical units in to try to treat the Vietnamese who had, I forget what disease

they had, but they gave him shots of penicillin. And then the warlords would come in and they would chop off the children's arms that got the shot. And then that's when Marlon Brando said the horror, the horror Jesus Christ. Well, thanks, Greg. Better. Someone made a song out of that. See?

That's a good song. It is a good song. Tuesday. Nowadays, I be like, oh, I be like, oh, I'm a bad mother because I make crazy ass videos. She don't care about nothing but her fucking nut. So whatever. Come on, little side bitch. I'm just going to get you some self-respect and dignity and a life.

No accident. You remember a song. It's great. Yeah, it's really good. I can't stand when somebody comment on the one in my video, is she high? No. Mooda fucka. I am blessed.

Mooda fucka. So this guy last week tried to tell us, tell the internet that if you want to feel horny, you should take 10 to 12 Benadryl and smokey. You're going to die when you see this one. He's going to die if you take 12 Benadryl. Dude, that's what we thought. Crazy person. Yeah, he was like, you want to be horny?

Take 10 to 12 Benadryl. That alone would send me to the hospital. Before you have sex, if you want to be horny for two or three hours like you've never been in your life and you have access to marijuana, too, good weed, listen to me. OK. It's to me. True weed alone can get you really horny or the normal. But Benadryl, take about 10 to 12 Benadryl before you want to have your sexual fun

with your partner or whatever you do or masturbate. All right. So this guy, I'm thinking it's the latter with him. This guy, what's he huffing in the balloon? He's he's he's real. He's they send him some more videos of him. So he's going for it. He's really going for it.

But this this person says going for it. That's one way of putting. I heard the most recent podcast I needed to share when I was in high school. Somebody told me you took a bunch of Benadryl. It would give you a pleasant high. I'm not sure what is wrong with that women's wrestling guy because it was truly one of the worst experiences in my life. In movies, they often show acid and mushrooms as terrifying, inducing terrifying

visuals, which they don't for most people. Unfortunately, this is exactly what happened. My stomach felt like it was on fire. I could not tell what was real and what wasn't. I was talking to people. I believed we're there. And I would look back and they were gone. When I would walk into a different room, I would think I was somewhere else on a

different day. Oh my God. Towards the end, I was chasing a tarantula around the room, trying to kill it with a broom. Jesus. Wow. Considering this guy has done this a lot, he must be a special kind of crazy. Keep your dosages low when experimenting with drugs or new masturbation techniques.

Dr. Lee's. I bet he didn't sneeze once though. Yeah. It's the upside. That's it. That is the upside. Always on the bright side, you.

This, uh. Could you imagine, I mean. This guy's fucked up. Well, can you imagine watching the video and then going, I'll try it. Yeah, look at this. I mean, what is he talking about? He can take this. See this.

This is the string from his shorts. Obviously, it goes to my pants. Right. But now. But. Pull as hard as you can to rip this apart. Okay. Pull as hard as you can.

You feel those magnets? There's a little atomic magnets that make molecules and then molecules stick to our molecules. No, no, they don't. It's a strong, it's a magnet that's lots of little bitty magnets, man. He also turns out he's really pissed off at women in general. I know why. I was just going to say, I mean, when I see a waste of human existence like that

and you think about how much work it took for his mommy to make him and care. And then you're like, this is what you're doing. No, this is what you're fucking doing with your life. You've suck. All right. Well, all you women are the reason that I'm dying. I take fucking 30 Benadryl at once at night. I want to get horny and enjoy myself sexually without.

And then there's the jealousy and rage issue I have over even lesbians. I'm jealous of you even. So she sees that you get to be hornier and grow up sexually and mature sexually because you've had real pussy in your face and I haven't. I got to get watching the fucking videos on YouTube. I spent thousands of dollars in my life on female wrestling and little girls do that all the time, man, and post it on YouTube and it's more fun and it's free. But the fucking it sucks the quality and everything else.

Wait, is he saying he watches little girls? Damn, I think he's saying he watches female wrestling. Yeah. And that any chick woman can just make that video. Her like he's grabbed her friend. Like we can get all the pussy in the world. He's saying, but he can't. So he's jealous.

He's real jealous. No, that's true. He hates his mommy. His mommy was nice. Your sexuality, America fucking sucks. These guys always talk about in America. Have you ever left America? Inside of a woman.

Is there a better place for you? It is. Yeah. In America. Yeah. It's America's fault. Yeah. Yeah.

He doesn't have a passport. He's never left the town that he's from. He also thinks it's really stupid. Like it's really lame to want to have traditional sex. Oh. And to like, like. What I have never in my life wanted to stick my dick inside of a woman and come. That is the stupidest, nastiest, dumbass thing I've ever.

To me, it's no different almost than having sex with a guy in the asshole, which is disgusting as fuck too. Option three is. Yeah. Those are the holes. What's going on? What the fuck? I would never.

Some of my, my family's tried to get me to watch regular porn. Like all my family has. You and your porn and you're the way you make out and you're stupid, boring, fucking bullshit. Yeah. Fucking all of you are owned by your woman. You're all a bunch of fucking pieces of shit. God doesn't love you. You any of you anymore?

You're fucked. Oh my goodness. How do you? Here I am on the planet with your motherfucker. Have a good day, motherfucker. Oh, so my mom used to say when she threatened me. Oh, yeah. Have a nice fucking day.

Would she really? Yeah. She was like, threaten me. All right. Horrible. Letters to me. And then we like, have a nice fucking day. Whoa.

It's a real crazy person's thing to do. Yeah. I didn't realize that last one, by the way, is solidified the level that that dude's really we think. Well, I mean, the 10 to 12 Benadryl is not a good sign. Did you deny it? Doubt him? No, but I thought the end there when he was like, fuck you, motherfucker, like,

that's this guy not stumble onto meth at this point. I know, right? He's up to 30 Benadryl. Yeah, I think I think the next step is meth. Yeah, I think that's the step before this. Like, that's an old step. I had 30 Benadryl. Geez.

Isn't it hard to get Benadryl? Isn't that like a controlled substance? That's what I was wondering. Like Sudafed is, Sudafren's in there, whatever. Yeah, have a nice fucking day. You have a nice fucking day. When I met her, you know, everyone's always like, wait till you meet my mom, like that kind of thing.

Yeah. She was like, wait till you meet my mom, please. And then we met at a restaurant and she was like, hello. And then she's like, I was at Bloomingdale's and this fucking cunt saleswoman. And I was like, I started to laugh so hard. I was so funny. And she's like barely, she's like barely registering me. She's like watching me laugh.

And she's like, I said, fuck you, you fucking bitch. And I was like, oh, wow, really? In a restaurant. First meeting. And this is in public. We were in a public restaurant. Yeah. In a restaurant, she would frequent and she would always get the back

booth so that people couldn't hear her so she could really unleash. Yeah. And then Christina's looking when she was like. Yeah, it's all good. What are her views on race? Super. My mother was super racist. She would remember she felt slighted by the Japanese.

So we went to a sushi bar once and they sat us in her opinion, very close to the restroom, which not really. But she was too close to the toilet. And so she got mad at the waitress and she was like, this fucking gook, bitch, set me near the fucking toilet. Fuck you, you fucking gook. And I was like, um, um. So then we like got up and stormed out and I had to follow her.

And I was like, something's wrong. That's pretty intense. Yeah, Jesus. Yeah, she was always. And my stepfather was Indian and he was racist too. Ironically, they're both dead now, but that's one of my favorite. Yeah. Like the psychology of like these fucking immigrants,

like your Indian step, like immigrated at like 25 or 30, like a grown man. Yeah. Came to this country and is like, we got to put these border wall. Like he was like, yeah, pro, you know what I mean? Like he probably came in illegally. No, no, he fought in our military. Oh, he did military and he came in legally, but he was a Republican and he gave a lot of money to the Republican party

and therefore felt that he was kind of like, you know, like, like an, a white guy by, by money. And he kind of was like in this country, your economic status determines a lot of how people perceive you. And he was a baller. So yeah. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah.

He had pictures of the five last Republican presidents signed personally giving him because that's how much money he donated to the party. Yeah. Shit. What did he do for work? Oh, I don't really want to answer that. Um, a little bit, a little bit of everything, as they say. Well, this little, this little bit of that. It was little shady, shady stuff.

One of my friends growing up had a, not that this means it, but his father was Dominican and they, they were like, I was like, what does your dad do? They live, they were very wealthy and import, export. Import, export. That's another you've had some. And then it's like four years later, it's like, but what does he do specifically? Import, export.

I'm like, could you tell me what he imported? Mostly importing. Yeah. And distribution. Yeah. And I was like, hmm, okay, that was it. That was the most you ever got spending the night at his house. What do you do?

Import, export. Yeah. Okay. Well, it's amazing because when you think about World War two and the people that came over or even going back to, you know, the turn of the 19th century when people came over here and they had nothing. And all of a sudden, like, you know, you got some guy who came over here. Like, you know, I was reading this book about the, the famine in Ireland.

And like people would come over here in like 1946 with fuck, you know, zero. And all of a sudden they went to college and then they went to got a doctor's license. Oh, it's bananas and became wealthy. And it's like, I, I hope my kids like just break even. I hope that they can move out of the house at some point. Right. Right. Make enough money to live on their own.

That's my, that's my goal for my kids. Of course. Wait, can I ask you the question though? Your son's going to, he's a, he will, he's a winner. Is he what? Your son's going to, the way you describe him. Yeah, he should be. Well, you never know.

Sometimes kids peek in high school. Your daughter's going to bring a black guy to live with her. But for sure. Your son's going to fucking definitely move on. Yeah, I'm expecting the black guy. We're already like, you know, putting hip hop stuff around the house. It's just a matter of time. Hip hop stuff around the house?

You're hanging gold chains on the wall and shit. So he's comfortable. We've got some like, you know, some like, uh, African elephant type statues and what else do black people like? We got cookbooks, dashikis. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Wait, I just want to ask you a question about the potato famine. Yeah.

That's what you're reading about on Ireland. Well, there are fucking island. Why weren't they fishing and eating fish? We were fishing. We were growing a multitude of crops, but we were, um, we were being held hostage by the British who were, who were exporting 99% of our agriculture and then selling it to other countries. While we literally a million people starved, it was a genocide.

We, they literally, you know, and so we were subsisting off the potatoes. And so when the potatoes went bad, they didn't give us any of the other food. We had giant, um, uh, pigs, uh, a giant, uh, agricultural as well as livestock all being exported. And the Brits were like fucking let them die. Let them die. Literally said there are too many of them. Let them die.

And this is what years is this happening? This was like in the 1840s. Well, the occupation lasted for hundreds of years. Yeah. 1840s. No, the British, you talk about Nazi Germany. The British are way worse in terms of what they've done worldwide colonizing and, you know, slaughtering all kinds of native peoples.

Oh yeah. Like the Spanish too. The Spanish are like my, my other half, yeah, fucking savages. Yeah, I remember, I still remember, I, I carried this with me. Like those moments, those conversations. I was in this, I was in school in, in Madrid, like in college. Yeah, class. And they were like, how do you, um, when I write the teacher, the professor

wrote, you know, when I write United States, what is the first thing that comes to mind? And a Spanish student was like imperialism. Like, yes. And world dominance and all that. And then like, what about Spain? And they said some other shit. And I was like, how about imperialism?

And he was like, excuse me. And I'm like, you have like 600 million people speak Spanish 2600 miles away. Yeah. Do you think it's because they just like the language? Yeah. Because you guys fucking went in there and just destroyed the place. The most ancient civilizations, the Aztecs and the Incas destroyed their temples and their everything, their, their speech.

They didn't allow them to speak their native language until it's. It's great pillage took everything back. Yeah. And then all the golds, they're like, you guys are the imperialists. I'm like, we learned it from you by watching you dad. Yeah, dad. They took all that gold. Yes, man.

It was all that gold in Central America. And they just cart it. And the, and it's the people in Mexico, they didn't fucking know. Of course. They were, the gold didn't mean anything to them. So the next thing you know, they're hauling that shit out of the ground with a gun to their head. And anyway, this is, this has gotten to be a very dark podcast.

Yeah, I love it. We're on the brink of civil war in this country. And listen, we got to wrap things up. Fitzdog radio, Fitzdog podcast. You know, so the show airs on a serious XM as well, right? Yeah. I have the Greg Fitzsimmons show, which has been on like 10 years now on Howard Stern's channel.

Fucking, it's actually the only other show on Stern's channel. That's crazy. Yeah. So you have that plus Mondays at seven, five o'clock on the West close. So that'd be XM 100. One on one, one on one. And then the podcast, you've been doing that for a while now. It's been like eight years.

When's my episode airing? I don't know. Maybe tomorrow. Okay. I'm not sure. I think tomorrow. Okay. Yeah.

And that's my time this airs. That's Fitzdog. Check out my Fitzdog radio and Fitzdog.com. And then I got some tour dates. Can I shout those out? Of course. 01:50:19,240 --> 01:50:19,760 Of course.

All right. I will be going to, let's see, Spokane, Washington, November 2nd through the 4th, and then I will be in Atlanta, Georgia at the punchline, November 16th through no, 17th through the 19th. The all new Atlanta. I know. What do you hear about it? I've heard good things.

I've heard good things. Yeah. Yeah. I can't wait. I like the owners. Um, Tempe, Improv, December 14th through 17. And then, uh, and I think I may be adding some dates. So go to Fitzdog.com.

Um, for more details, people don't even know. And we say this, you know, we would say this. And so it's uncomfortable to say to the person, you're one of the best comedians in the world. Yes. Thank you, Matt. I've, I've like, I, you're somebody who, I 100%, if you're on stage, I want to watch and then I feel badly about myself.

Yes. Me too. Wow. Yeah. And then I'm like, that is so nice. Well, you're so thoughtful. Joe Rogan and I were just talking about Greg on, on Joe's show last week, whenever I did it, and you're so thoughtful and you're so intelligent and you're so funny.

And it's hard to be all those things. And you're really, really great. And I would say this, you know, we'll always, if somebody comes in here, we'll be like, you should go see their show. You know, you shouldn't go see all the shows. We tell you to go see, but, but we're full of shit. Yeah. Fitz Simmons is so good.

If you love stand up comedy and you're in any of those cities, you should 100% get a ticket. He's really one of the best. So go see him. It's, it's awesome. Well, you guys are the best. That's very sweet. My head is very big right now.

Incredible. It's so full of dreams. And don't forget, as you go to bed tonight, machines with ten. Machines with ten. Machines with ten. Thanks for coming today, man. All right. Appreciate it.

Thank you guys. We got a run. Thank you guys for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye bye. We're gonna make crews and boys eat a set on different sides of the bus. Tide to the bus. Tide to the bus.

My, my, my, my, my. Tide to the bus. Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. Tide to the bus. Bap, bap, bap, bap. Tide to the bus. Bus. Crews and boys eat a set on different sides of the bus.

Tide to the bus. Martina now considers herself a black woman. A black woman. Ahhh! I'm dying. Dude, I don't want to watch you jerking out. I don't want to catch you and have that whole block where you're moving. I don't know.

A big dog makes a big shit. A small dog makes small shit. Always get a small dog. Tide to the bus. Tide to the bus. Tide to the bus. Tide to the bus.