Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 424-Joey Diaz-Your Mom's House with Christina P and Tom Segura

Episode Date: November 29, 2017

This is as good as it gets. Joey Coco Diaz is in the building.  This lovable, fiery felon is sure to make you laugh as you sit by the fire and ask your mom if she will 69 your dad on his 70th birthday.  By the way, a bunch of those came in and they are HILARIOUS.  PLUS we talk CATS, Dad Boners and we read your emails.    Say No More, just listen, JEAN. 

A reminder that in our store at merchmethod, merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura, the sale continues through the weekend. So if you go to merchmethod.com slash Tom Segura and you use promo code cyber15, C-Y-B-E-R 15, you get 15% off for the rest of the week. This is a lot of fun. We had the great Jose Coco Diaz in here. There's nobody like him. We laughed a lot.

He was fantastic. Thanks. Enjoy this episode. Bye, Gene. All right. Here we are. Happy to be back. Another week.

We got some gigs coming up. I just added a show in Phoenix. Stand up live. Where? Fartnix, Arizona. Yeah, I went part of it. I added a show Thursday, December 7th. Here's what's going on that week.

So far, December 8th, the early show is sold out. The late show has about 100 tickets left, and Saturday, both shows are sold out. So we added one Thursday, December 7th in Phoenix. After that, it's off to Hawaii, going to do the Performing Arts Center in Maui, December 14th, and the Hawaii Theater in Honolulu on Saturday, December 16th. Get tickets at tomcigarette.com slash tour. And yeah, scoop them up before they're gone. Gene, what about you?

I'm talking about 2018 now. January 12th, I'm at the Pasadena Ice House, February 2nd and 3rd in Shortlake Titties, Utah at Wise Guys Comedy Club. February 23rd, the Colusa Casino, and then March 30th and 31st in Portland, Oregon at Herium Comedy Club. So come check me out there. Tickets at Christina P. Online. Nice.

And our great guest today, you may know him from going to church regularly. And he's gracing us with the first time in years that he's been back on our show. It is the great Jose Joey Coco Diaz. Wow. Yeah. It's happening. Good morning. And just to get it out of the way, let people know you're going to be in Sacramento.

The 7th, 8th and 9th. Oh, great. I'm in the same boat as you. Saturday sold out, Friday first show sold out, so we got two shows left. That's it. They're going to be done. What venue is this? He's doing the punchline.

Punchline is the best. Wheeler Walker, the 3rd, 4th and 5th. Oh, with the old Wheeler. He's doing shows with Wheeler. Oh, that's fun. We had him on here. Yeah, he's a great guy. He's great.

He's a theater observatory in San Diego and observatory in Santa Ana. Let's see how comedy and country. Yeah. Well, there you go. You know what it is. I don't fuck with Lincoln. All right. It's Joey Diaz.

Joey Diaz. I don't fuck with who? Lincoln. Oh, Lincoln. Yeah. I don't fuck with Lincoln. Do you still get invitations? 20,000 requests a week to do Lincoln the same much on Facebook.

Yeah. Okay. Now I've got another page I've got to work with. Do you have a profile on Lincoln? I think somebody actually just broke down and made one for me. Let's get this show started. We're going to open the show and we'll get into a whole bunch of stuff with Joey Diaz. I'm not talking to you.

Why did you abandon this tent and what are you, do you want it to have a home? You want me to find it a home because you're not taking care of it. Don't you look at me like that. What the fuck, girl? Fuck that shit! Fuck the use that. I've been trying to take care of that goddamn cat for two weeks, because you're a fucking ass dead man doing it.

This is the big time. Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone lovin' for this. You're going to ruin the fucking stand! Welcome. Welcome to your Mom's house. With Don Segura. Don Segura.

Christina Pajitzzi. Christina Pajitzzi. Welcome to your Mom's house. With Don Segura. Don Segura. Christina Pajitzzi. Christina Pajitzzi. Christina Pajitzzi.

Welcome to your Mom's house. Christina Pajitzzi. Welcome to your Mom's house. So, we got the cat lady here, because Joey is a cat man. You know that? He loves cats. I do know that. How many do you have?

Seven. Seven. He's like, he's a cat whisperer. Like he really connects with cats. Yeah. I love my babies. Yeah. And this lady right here loves cats too.

She's mad at this neighbor, because she's saying that the neighbor is not taking care of the cat. You know? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What is the matter with you? What's the matter with you?

You're on my property, bitching over things that are not of your concern. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what is going to be of your control. I told you so. I get a fence, because when she comes by your house, she obviously comes by your house and pisses you off. And I asked if that was the issue. No.

And it is the issue, because you say that to me. No. It is not. You're a goddamn cat. It's you. You're the one that said people should be responsible. Yeah. Absolutely.

Yeah, you are for your dogs, but you're not for your dad. She's really upset. She's saying that he's not taking care of this cat. This is how my mother used to yell at people. Really? Like over a really mundane shit. She'd be like, you fucking motherfuckers, you fucking bitch, you fucking. She hated cats.

She would just come from people like that? All the time. And she hated cats. There was one cat. We lived in an apartment complex. She used to piss on our door mat, and she waited for the cat to come, and she kicked it. She fucking opened our door, and she kicked it down the stairs. Jesus.

It never came back. I guess not. I'd find the owner and be like, you motherfuckers, you fucking cat pisses all over my fucking door. You fucking cucksuckers. Oh, my God. They're played no games. So intense.

They're playing no games, man. Yeah. Well, what'd you do, Joey? Does your cat wander in other people's yards? No, they don't let him out of the house. Oh, they're strictly house? Yeah. I don't, I can't sleep at night knowing my little fucks are outside.

Yeah. Getting attacked by a rat cool and something like that. Was it a, was it a like a thing for your wife to get used to? Like, or was she already in the cats too? In other words? No, we were together. She had a kitten. That was it.

That was it. I first started dating and she had a kitten. And did you have a cat already? I had a dick. Oh, okay. I'm like cats. I don't even know. Really?

Yeah. I didn't know I had any idea. And then when, where we lived in Hollywood, there was a lot of cats and they would die in the back yard. So I would wake up in the morning, there'd be three dead kittens. Oh my God. Fuck. I would save them and call in different organizations and they'd pick them up and feed them.

Oh, I didn't know how you got into it. Yeah. Then one by one, I started bringing them upstairs and they became, you know, somebody would go, I'm moving in a month. I want, because they were Siamese, they were gorgeous. And they go, I'm moving, save me one. Then they call me back and go, well, my roommate has an elephant. So now I can't have a cat.

So I get stuck with the fucking cat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Eleven of them at one time. Jesus, dude. And then I found homes for four of them. Five of them. How would you find homes?

Different people, different girls, guys, acting classes, whatever. And then I moved to the valley with six and I moved to the valley and there was one that started hanging around the house, just hanging out with me at night. I would get home from the store and whistle and it would fucking come to me. If I would walk down the corner, it would follow me. Yeah. And the owner came to me and then she goes, I can't control her, but obviously you can. She pays attention to you.

And then she got attacked by a possum and she couldn't stay outside no more. So they just said, just take her. Wow. She's one of my best cats. It's so funny to me, like, and I don't know why it's like this. Maybe it's like this to other people. Cats to me are just, it's not that I have any issues with them. They're like a foreign language to me.

I'm like, I, I don't know how to gauge cats. I don't know what to expect from cats. I never grew up with them. I never spent time with cats. So like to me, like a dog feels familiar. Like I, I kind of, I kind of know what to expect from a dog. I know how to approach a dog. I know, you know, I know dog behavior pretty much like having grown up with dogs with cats.

I'm always like, I don't know what, what I'm supposed to do. Well, it's all, cause it's all their rules. I feel like they gotta tell you what's up. They tell you what's up, right? If you tell a dog what's up in cat world, they have to choose you. Like what Joey was saying, like that cat chose Joey and respect him. And then they pick a person. What's interesting is that it came to him later in life.

Like I would have thought that he was like growing up with cats, but you just figured cats out way later. My friend growing up out of cat. That was a fucking ghetto. He was a warrior. He was missing in here. He was missing half his foot. His name was Frisky.

And I still remember one particular morning when, you know, you get fucked up at your friend's house and you wake up the next day and you're on the floor. Like I woke up and the window was open and we were freezing. And he was in the window watching a bird in the tree. Like making that fucking noise. I'd never heard that noise. I'd never seen it again. Wait, what's the noise?

When a cat sees an animal that's, he's about to attack, he'll make weird noise. Oh, yeah. I've heard that. They'll make little weird noises. And an hour later, the mother made us all breakfast and gave us a lecture on why not to drink and, you know, look what's going to happen with you guys. Never forget Christina opening the door. That bird was in shambles.

Like he brought it to us as a gift. Then the mother explained. She's like, I don't know what he's going to bring. He shows up with fucking dead cats, birds, squirrels. Good little killer, man. I like them. Yeah. He wasn't mine, but I like them.

Yeah. And that was my only experience with cats. And then 30 years later? Go to people's homes, they have a cat-to-cat jumps on you. Yeah. They show you affection. That's when they claw you. You get scared and you push them off.

Yeah. That's part of the fear that I had. Yeah, yeah. And then it's weird. Once you save a cat, they remember that. They remember everything. Yeah. I used to have a friend that go, don't fuck with cats because they go into the bed and

they write it down and they get you later. They write it down. It's really weird. I was going through a weird time in my life and these cats were coming into the house at a time when we both needed each other. It was the weirdest thing. Yeah. And then when I come home at night from doing comedy, they're scattered.

But once I go to the office and I make my notes about my sat and what I got to do the next day, once I go in the living room and unwind, they come out one by one. And I got to give them all attention and talk to them and ask them what's going on with their world. Seven of them. Some of them don't come out. Two of them, you'll never see the two girls. Yeah.

Lululemon Evie. Evie lives by the door. So I touch her and touch her in the way of it out. That's my good luck charm. Yeah. She lives by the door. She watches that fucking door. I wonder if I would just go into fits of sneezing and weeping if I walked into your place.

Because I have like... No, I brush them. I really keep the gander, the dander down. Yeah. I've been around cats where I slept at a place, at a friend's place. I crashed with her for like six weeks, just out of college. And he had two little cats. And like my eyes would just start to, you know, water.

Yeah. Yeah. And I would just sneeze. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I never... Like I said, that was my first exposure. And then they would chase each other in the morning.

No. And they would like run over my face as they were chasing me. So I'd have like cat scratches on my forehead. Right now you guys have dogs and a child. You have two of the things that bring you the most love. Oh my God, I love them. Yeah. You know, you just went to Toledo, Ohio.

Yeah. It fucking snowed. Yeah. Saturday. You were expected to sell out. But then you get to the airport and the flight was delayed. Oh, that's worse. And then Tom Segura's flight is delayed.

And he was supposed to go to Bert Krash's birthday party. Yeah. And you fucking get home and your luggage is lost. And now the Uber driver ain't showing up. And you walk in your door and you gotta take a shit and you gotta do all these things. But that dog comes up to you. And at first you really want to kick that dog. Yeah.

At first you want to go. You know what? Do me a favor. Get the fuck away from me. But he doesn't understand. No. He just wants to give you this love. This affection, yeah.

I gotta tell you something. When you bend over and just pet them. Yeah. All those problems you had that morning. Yes. You were a human being. Yeah. They just disappeared.

It's true. It's absolutely true. They just go away for five minutes and you pick them up and you pet them and they look at you. And for five minutes you had Tom's delayed. Right. We're not going to make birds party. But it all seems a lot better.

It's 100% true. It really, even with your child sometimes you come home. You didn't get the audition. They gave it to somebody else. And you pick up your kid and you go, who gives a fuck? Of course. I don't give a fuck if Rouse blows up right now. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck. I got my kid. Yeah. It's the best. 60 minutes is on. We're both, three of us are all prefer to be home, I think. The three of us are like, let's just get home. Let's stay home and pet our animals and play with our kids and watch TV.

My happiest time in life, my happiest moment of the day is when we put the baby down. He's had a great day. He's in his crib. He just fell asleep. Tom and I are laying in bed with the two dogs and we're watching some stupid show. That's why I live. Everything else is like. I know it's almost like you live the day to get to that moment.

I know. That's really like you can, I feel like I can feel the clock counting down to that moment later in the day. Yeah. You know, like when, when it's 30 minutes away, I'm like, oh, we're going to be in bed. Doing our thing. With dogs, watching TV pretty soon. Pretty exciting.

We have three. We have two. Two. Two. Yeah. It's funny how, you know, we all became as comics and when you become a comic, you know, like right now and me and Tom lost a lot of weight because when you become a comedian, you put all your focus into becoming a comedian.

Yeah. Health. They got onion rings at the bar. That's where you'll eat. Yeah. Onion rings. You go back to the hotel room. Doritos.

Yeah. Whatever. It's so weird how we've evolved as comedians, but at the same time now you like family. Like Led Zeppelin was great. All of a sudden Led Zeppelin, the fifth album, everybody started spitting out kids. Yeah. Now the tours got delayed. Yeah.

And, you know, cause you said, you know, wait a second, I gotta go on the road and do what? I'd much rather just play on the fucking floor with this child. Of course. Whatever the fuck it is. Yeah. No, man. I know.

It's, uh, being home is, it's like, it's the goal now. Like you just try to, to design your life, to be at home as much as you can. Because the first fucking 10 years you just live on the road, it's just horrible. I mean, my goal is to just not, first of all, to not wear decent pants. Like I always want to be in sweatpants. Number one, like that's the whole dream. And then to be home is like, to do as little as possible. Yeah.

That's the whole goal for me. Like I want to retire at 50. Like I always had a really big respect for you as a woman comic. I didn't want to say woman comic as a comic because when you were around me, I didn't feel like I had to act any differently, you know? Yeah. So I was very concerned about you when you had your child. You were, you know, I'm so glad you're bringing this up.

I was very concerned about you and your career. In fact, Tom and I had a conversation on a plane that I said to him, how's Christine handling this? Because I have friends like Joe Rogan that they give a fuck about the Mars and if the world is flat and look at this animal and I can give a fuck about that. I love humans. I love the mind. Yeah.

I love human psychology and I love to see the change of people. Nobody, nobody, nobody changed more than my red neck. You know, my wife is at work. My wife is one of those people that job is eight to five. That's on paper in her world. It's seven to when the job gets done. Right. You know, my wife is one of those people that, you know, you took a job.

Yeah. You took it for $10 an hour. You got to do the work. Yeah. If you don't like it, quit. Yeah. But why you make a commitment? They're Americans.

Yeah. They're people that my wife had no days off and 10 years as an accountant. She never took a sick day. Never took a personal day. She took three hours one time when I was doing coke because I got like an 18 grand check and she wanted to make sure the check made it to the bank and not like Coke dealers house. It was one of the biggest checks I haven't got ever for a century.

She left. She took a train. You know, when my wife had the baby. Seriously? Yeah. My wife said, I'll be there in five minutes to help you cast that check and to put in the proper. That was the only time in 10 years at the Walt Disney Center.

She had the child. She had all this sick time. She had all this paternity time. It was like five months and I could see her going through paperwork at night, gung ho about it. And then she had to go back to work. And I tried to help her. I tried to, you know, what do I cook?

Hamburger helper? Yeah. You know, I know how to make hamburger helper, Joey Alacoco, chicken Alacoco, chicken cutlets with lemon and pepper and anything. Joey specialties, you know. Yeah. I know three recipes. I think everybody only knows three.

I saw my wife go from 40 hours a week, this gun loving, toting American who believes in the dollar day, you know, a day's work for a day's pay. I saw a cut of hours to 30, then 25, then 20. And then she came home one day, she goes, I'm just going to become a consultant. And I go, no, you're not. You're just not going to work. You're 45. This is never, ever going to happen again.

Unless for some miracle, God gives me another squirt of good nut juice. Yeah. You ain't, we were lucky. We got this little squeeze of nut juice out with all the marijuana I smoke, and I saw her transformation. So I was always real interested in Christine's transformation. Yeah. I was very interested in what she got pregnant, how she was going to react to it, and, you

know, after you have the child. So now she doesn't work. My wife? Yeah. I tell her, what's the use? Yeah. She came home two weeks ago with some story about AFI, AFI offered her six figures and she'll put mercy at the Catholic school over there.

And as we were driving one day, I go, take a look at the 101. Yeah. Is that what you want at your age? Is that what you want at your age? So after the five, you got to pick up mercy and then drive her home and then I guess who's cooking at six, Chef Diaz, Chef Boyard Dick, because I know how to make steakums and all right, the French fries with American cheese and a white bread to steak and shit. Steak.

I grew up on that. Yeah. We all did. White trash. White trash. And Chef Boyard Dick. Your transformation was, and it's so weird now, I love women that are gung-ho and one day the uterus calls.

Yeah. Once the uterus calls, that's it. That's the biggest call a woman could get. Yeah. Yeah. Everything goes out the window. Everything. That's interesting.

The last time I sat down with you, and I was pregnant with Alice, I think, and you said to me, don't ever become a woman, Christine, don't ever become a woman. And I was like, wait, what? Like what did you mean by that? Because I've literally been thinking about it for like two years. When you're a comic, you're a savage. Yeah. You're not a woman.

If you're on the road with me, I'm not going to try to hit on you, but if you're in a room, I'm going to fart and you're going to inhale it and I'm going to take my shoes off and you're going to smell my feet. And it just becomes a part of your life until one day you become a woman and go, oh, right. Why am I sitting next to this fat fuck talking about eating pussy and giggling at his dumb jokes and smelling his feet and his breath because you were a comic. Right. So you tolerated it.

But one day the uterus takes over and you're like, why am I sitting next to this criminal? Why? Why? Why? What is my proof? It is a good point. What am I thinking? Like, what the fuck am I doing with my life?

No. God damn it. You're a woman now who's a mom and a comedian. Now you have three ads and now you have to balance that. That's right. Because if you do get a nanny and go on the road 40 weeks a year to pursue your thing, you're going to pay for this in 10 years. Yeah.

That's for sure. It's like a penzole commercial. Remember penzole? Yeah. You could pay me now. You could pay me later. Yeah. So now you're in a tough bind.

Now he has to know mommy does comedy and it all works out and if you squeeze out 10 weeks, which you'll be, you're going to walk to the airport those 10 weeks. Like, do you know what I'm saying? Like, you know how now like, all right honey, I guess I'll see you on Sunday. Those weeks when you're leaving, once he turns four, it's like, Tom, fuck you. Where's your Uber? I'm running to the fucking airport. And Sunday I'm taking the late flight back.

You and Joe Diaz with that 6 AM flight. Fuck you. I'm taking the four o'clock flight. I'm sleeping late. We talked about this the other yesterday, that the thing that's great about the road now when you, when you're a parent, the really the, the, the moment of it, like the thing you savor is that you have no responsibility while you're there. I'm not on duty for like 48 hours.

So you really feel like, and what we talked about is that the best part is enjoying the hotel room. Yeah. Totally. It's like, it's watching movies, ordering room service. Sit in a robe. And like, and, and like, you know, you, you have all the freedom to just do nothing. Yeah.

And Friday night is my favorite night on the road. Thursday, we got to get up for radio. Friday, you're not responsible for anything. That's when I go back and I cut my fungi toenail and I sniffed my throne behind the beds and you rub out your feet with the thing and, and you scratch deep to your nutsack. You try to figure out why you have a lump next to your balls. That's a tag. I got a theory on that.

You go in like the hotel mirror and spread your nutsack and you know, that's Friday night. I love that. I love that. I don't have to get up Friday morning. I get up Saturday morning. I get the Hindu eggs. I get white bread. I get some corn.

You know, because there's always Indian people cooking at the hotels. So the Hindu eggs, you wake up, you go back upstairs and you sleep till like one. That's great. You get up, you go to the gym, you get a little lunch, a little college football. You call Tom. How's, how's the baby? Yeah. Great.

Oh, you have to see he walked. That's great. I got to go. He walked great. Good. Yeah. We'll see you Sunday. Well, I mean, look, I have modified my life so that I'm not out nearly as much, dude.

It's like I'm out 48 hours and then I'm fucking home, dude. So you know what I mean? Like I just don't do as much bullshit and you find that you don't need to do. I don't fucking need to do Wednesday through Sunday, bro. Like it's not even going down. I don't even fucking do Sundays because of you, actually. Lord's Day. That's what I'm saying.

I'm home, bro. Like I'm fucking here with my kid. Oh, my husband, my dogs. I think you inspired a whole generation of people to cut Sundays. I saw a lot of they should call it like the Dia. I saw a lot. I saw a lot of divorces. Yeah.

I saw people disenfranchised and really think about what you get on a Sunday. I want you to really think what you get on a Sunday. What kind of piece of shit goes out on a Sunday? 20 years ago, we got people that padded the room on Sundays because nobody would come to see us on a Sunday. We were opening for Joe. Joe would leave on Saturday and I'd be the answer that stays Sunday and try to sell tickets by myself and then ask myself why I was doing it.

Even though I was single, when I got off the coke, I realized something that no matter even though it was a comic, I'm still a man. And even though I was single and I had a girlfriend and I had no responsibility to it, there's nothing replace a Sunday dinner. Yeah. I agree. Absolutely. Nothing replace a Sunday dinner.

Nothing replaces Christine, pasta, potatoes, Tom. What's going on? Nothing. Nothing. Your kid. I don't give a fuck what you do Sunday night. I don't give a fuck if Sunday night you go to a strip club and stuck your tongue up a strip of his asshole.

But there's nothing like Sunday dinner with your family. It's true. Whether it's a girl that you date and that's it because it's not worth the paper. Yeah. That extra little paper you're going to get, you're going to lose that girl and 10 years from now, what are you going to do? Sundays are so depressing to spend on the road. It's absolutely worse.

It's so bummer. As a feature act that used to kill me. Yeah. To wait all day. You wait. It's a thing. You wake up. Seven o'clock show and then you miss that red eye by 20 minutes.

You always like if you do Vegas, we're going to call you to a college in Vegas and the show starts at nine and you're like, I'm going to go home. There's no flights after eight thirty five that leave late Phoenix. Same thing. Yeah. You got like an early show in Phoenix trying to leave early on Sunday night. You missed the flight by 20 fucking minutes. Every fucking airline misses it by 20 minutes.

So you know what? Let's just stay home on Sunday. That's right. I love getting home early Sunday, taking a nap. The time I wake up at two, they're alive and kicking. Yeah. Yeah. I got her all day.

You know, we play. Yeah. No, Sunday is the best feeling, especially coming off of work, like coming off of shows to come home Sunday, have a Sunday at home. Yeah. And I make Sunday dinner. It's the best. We do Sunday treats.

Don't fuck with Lincoln. Don't fuck with Lincoln. You know, my agent, he's always like, you don't like going on the road, do you? You hate it. I'm like, of course I fucking hate it. I did it for a decade. I've been done the road, bro. Now he knows like, but now my deals are better.

Yeah. Right. Cause I'm like, I'm fucking doing it dude. Until my deals are red. And that's also a Joey Diaz lesson. Yeah. Yeah. Before you were even moving tickets.

I remember like we were all, you know, like lucky to get work basically, right? Sure. Of course. And this is like six, seven years ago and no, no, none of us are moving tickets. And then I'm talking to Diaz. I'm like, yeah. He goes, are you doing Sunday shows? And I was like, yeah, of course.

He's like, yeah, I don't do them. And I go like, how do you not do them? He goes, you just tell them no. And I was operating from a place of fear. Of course. Like how, what if you tell them, I won't do it. He's like, what if they don't give you the work? He's like, then you don't do it.

That's right. But then he said it, no, so much that then they like, all right, here's your Thursday through Saturday. And I was like, yeah, how can you get it? That's all you have to do. Or I'll do it the old fashioned way. Are you want to fuck with me? I'll book the Sunday, threaten me with a Sunday and I'll take it.

But I guarantee I got a De Niro movie that Monday. Oh, right. And I'm not to leave on a Sunday and when then you fucked because I'm not going to drop it on you till Friday. Rob Schimmel style, you know, years ago, nobody remembers this. Rob Schimmel had Thursday through Sunday at the improv for like six months when Rob Schimmel was hot 98, but they created the show called like how to marry a millionaire or something.

And one guy was a comedian and he was a comedian from the early 90s who used to light his pants on fire. That was his opener. What? Opener. Where do you go after that? And he would go, is it hot in here? Is it me?

And you know, he was a funny comic and stuff, but it revitalized his career. So what did the improvs do? They go, they took everybody's Thursday away and they gave it to him. So Schimmel would go, okay, you know what time Schimmel would cancel on Friday? Like 6 p.m. Two in the afternoon. Oh, you want to fuck with my Thursday? Yeah.

I'll fuck with you Friday. So he'd cancel on, he did it three weeks in a row. They never fucked with him again. He was a bad motherfucker, man. I didn't know he was like that dog. He canceled overnight with the facts, so they'd wake up on eight o'clock, they'd get to the con for the improv on Friday, sold out, Schimmel just canceled. It looks like you're headlining Joey.

Yeah. That's the way it is. And I bumped into him at that point once and he goes, sometimes you got to teach him a lesson and who knows what the fuck they're dealing with. They want to sell you out for money, they'll never sell you out for money again. He was a smart, savvy, kind, funny guy, Robert Schimmel. And Hungarian. And Hungarian.

You know, we were robbed for 15 years. You ever get a check now and you look at it and you go, remember when we used to ask them for $200 more and they told us they didn't have it? And now they're giving us this check, you know, whatever. We got robbed. Yeah. They really would do that. Oh, yeah.

But yeah, they did. Yeah, they did. Or a hotel room. Or hotel rooms. You know, they did a lot of kinky shit. So now even an old dog gets a warm spot on the sidewalk at one time or another. So now you got to fucking pay the freight, bitch. You got to pay the freight, bitch.

That's true. And they all complain. The club owners are like, well, I mean, how come these big acts, they turn into dicks? It's like, what happened? And I go, well, what happened is you guys treat us like dog shit on the way up. Now there's no fucking love left, bitch, because you've been kicking us for 10 years. So when you're at the top of the food chain, it's time for you to get yours. Yeah.

Because you treat us like shit for so many years. We learned how to be assholes from you. From you. We go buy a car. Yeah. Yeah. When you go buy a car now, they give you two options. They give you, when I sold you a car, whenever I sold your car, I just didn't sell your car.

I brought you back a purchase number, and I brought you back a lease number, so you can see both options. Yeah. We have the same option now. Yeah. You can either take care of us at the club, we'll go to the theater across the street. I won't make as much money as I would at the theater, but I'll teach you a fucking lesson. Yeah.

Yeah. So you better keep, you sell a lot of cheeseburgers and joeys on stage. Everybody smokes refried at Joey D's show. Yeah. So don't come to me with, there's no ghee that's left. There's ghee that's left. Yeah. And I want it.

And if I don't get it, I will sit at home. Yeah. And then that's it. And that's just the way it is. Yeah. I know. They really do fuck you. So hard.

Hard. And I don't want people at home to think, oh, these guys are whining. No. No. I want you to think, and then listen, it works also when you're a mason. If I can become a mason tomorrow, and I come to Christina, I go, Christina, I want you to teach me how to be a mason. She's going to teach me for 10 bucks an hour how to be a hard carrier.

A hard carrier is stocking the masons, knowing how to put 16 bags of sand and making cement and making sure they all have cement. They'll give me a raise every six months to another $2 or whatever the fuck it is. But then they're going to come a time when they're going to go, I'm sick, jump in. And now I'm laying brick and I'm doing everything, but they're still paying me the short 10. Yeah. Right. And they're charging 22 for me.

Right. Do you follow me? Yeah, of course. They're charging 22 on the bit. So this happens in every occupation. That's right. You know, not just comedy. I don't want it.

This happens in plumbing, where for two years you're getting fucked in the ass. Yeah. They're going, Christine, how are you doing? We're leaving you here today. And you're like, wait a second. You're in charge of Tom and Joey today. Make sure the pipes are up while the wiring is pulled. And so for two years, you get fucked doing that too.

Because he's out golfing and you're getting, he's getting these things, you know. That's true. It's like any apprenticeship. I mean, even to become like a doctor, right? You're broke for the first, what, decade. You're a student. You're doing your rounds. And then you graduate and now you're a practicing physician.

I think in our occupation, the graduation moment, it's not as clear. There's like a gray area where all of a sudden you're moving tickets and now it's like, and you have to fight for your graduation is what it is. Sure. You have to assert yourself. I mean, what's that great story? There's a guy on the sitcom. He's super famous now, Gardell, Billy Gardell.

Oh, Billy Gardell. Yeah. He, he was talking to somebody and this is like right when he became really successful. He goes, yeah, man, those $1,800 weeks, am I right? Like he was still doing them. Right. Even as that he was doing television. That's right.

So he didn't assert himself for the raises and for the graduation, you know, so, so crazy. 1800. He's like a big star. Yeah. But I mean, now he's, he's making way more. Of course. Yeah. Good for him.

He busted his ass for a long time. Hell yeah. Absolutely. He's a funny guy. That guy was always on like the side end. He was always put on a good show with a shitty sidekick. Yeah. Who would take down the show.

He had 20 chances. He was unlucky. Yeah. You guys don't remember. He had the NBC show with the black kid that was not funny. 20 million black people that are funny. They gave him the unfunniest black guy in the world. The unfunniest black guy.

Everybody's funny is black. They gave him a guy that couldn't be funny if his life depended on it. It's so true. There are so many funny black people, Joey. It's very true. So. Come on, bud. I'm trying to pick up my pen.

So Thanksgiving was, was a blast. We had, we hosted at our house. We had people over. We basically didn't do any work, but it was totally worth it. It's great. They outsourced all the, to the Hindus and have them cook for us. And then I did the Wilbur, the Wilbur, the Wiltern on, on Saturday. Yeah.

It was amazing. Amazing. So super fun. Thanks everybody here in LA that came out to the show. Also this is one thing that came in a lot over the weekend was, are you going to 69 at 69? So, so we did this thing. My dad turned 70 earlier this year.

That's my favorite thing now. We had a big family reunion and my mom, you know, my mom was in Florida. Yeah. That's when you went to Florida. I went to Florida. My mom was Peruvian and she doesn't, she's not up on any of the lingo or anything. So at this big dinner, I asked my mom, I said, you know, dad's turning 70 tomorrow. Are you going to 69 him tonight?

And she was like, what? She didn't understand. So we would all laugh and make, and just joke about how, you know, just, just make fun of her. How naive she is, right? So we told people on our podcast that you should do the same thing. Ask your mom if she'll 69 your dad when he turns 70 and they've been doing it and videotaping the reactions for us.

I might pass out. I'm going to, I'm going to play, I'm going to play a few of them. For example, the, the milestone, like you're 70, 70th birthday, right? Yeah. So when Tracy's about to turn 70, his last night of being 69 years old, would you 69 him? Oh shit. No.

Hell no. No? No. Tracy, you look a little stone cold in the face there. Mom, do you, mom, do you think when Danny's about to turn 70, do you think to celebrate 69? There it is. Why would you even ask that?

That's Zach. That's the best. The first one was Austin from Florida. Here's Josh and Sarah. I just had a question. This is a prayer. This is a prayer. Thanksgiving for mom and dad.

Mom. Mom, on the night before Chuckie Pops turned 70 years old, are you guys going to 69? Yes. Absolutely. We 69 just where you got here. That piece of meat looks good. That's always shit. I just hope that Buck plays still and played that.

She's mortified. Yeah. Mom doesn't even know what the hell happened. Here's Riley. Hey mom. Mama. Right. Dad.

Right, buddy. When you turn 70, are you going to let mom 69 you? Like the day before you turned 70? But mom's 69 me. Yeah, mom. Are you going to 69 dad before you turn 70? Of course. She was funny.

She got it. Yeah, she got it. Here's Maxwell. Hey mama. When dad turned 69, on dad's 69th birthday, are you guys going to 69? Why would you do that? Are you going to 69 on your 69th birthday dad? We even got a Spanish submission.

Oh. Yeah. Quiero ser una pregunta. Quiero ser una pregunta a ti. A ti? ¿Puedo ser una pregunta? Si. Ok.

Si, tío, right? Vamos a decir. Va a cumplir 70 años. Y antes que cumplir 70 años. Quiero 69. Para celebrar 70 años. ¿Tú vas a ser el 69 con tío? Oh my god.

Ni ahora te lo hace. Ni ahora te lo hace. ¿Para si te lo hace? Respeta ya María Paula por tío. ¿Me lo hace? Si. What did she say? What did she say, Joe Diaz?

She said my pussy flip. My pussy lips will be too long. They'll be hanging down, covering your eyes. That's what you do when you bang after like 50. You just take the pussy lips and put them over your eyes. Like they're flying on jet blue. And you lick that little muffler. Hey, mom.

You think you two are going to be together when he turns 70? What? Are you guys going to still be together when he turns 70? Night before his 70th birthday. You guys going to 69 one last time? María's going to do the best she can. She's going to do the best she can. She's going to do the best she can.

She's going to do the best she can. She's going to do the best she can. Keep them high and tight. Keep them high and tight. Oh my god. That was hilarious. That was awesome. Thank you.

She goes, why? Does it have to end? 69? I think about that when you see old people that still fucking... I think about it a lot. I think about it all the time. You know what else to think about? When you see some old lady, what if she was like the most prolific dick sucker?

Yeah. You assume like, oh, she's an old lady. She might have been like, I used to blow the whole block. Like guys used to just drain their nuts. But you just assume because she's old that she doesn't have any sexual history. But she might, obviously. Or even my friends that are moms now. Do I have this one friend in college that was such a fucking whore?

Like just everybody dumped clips in her. And now she's super mom. She's got two kids. She's always on Facebook like posting the activities again. I'm like, dude, you were such a fucking whore. Like I think of all the jizz inside of her. Yeah. It's got to be a lot.

Yeah. It's not even the same person now. No, I know. But that's the thing is that she's going to, you know, a few years later, right? 10 years from now, 20 years from now. One day she'll be just like a nice old lady and someone will be like, oh, watch your mouth in front of her and don't say. Right.

And then you'll be stupid. You walk up and be like, oh, I've known this whore since she was 18. Every guy, every guy on the fucking, on the block got a chance to ride. Yeah. Yeah. Like when you think about your grandma, like she sucks so many dicks. Yeah. She might have, you know.

She sucked your granddad's dick. For sure. Disgusting. Yeah. It's crazy how my friend's mom, my friend's dad died about two years ago. And I talked to him a lot. Him and I were always tight growing up and I always ask him, how's your mom? And he goes, my mom's a different woman.

He goes, because my dad was 15 years older than she was and she married him when she was 20. So now she went into an old folks home and he goes, his mom, they go out on dates. You know, the mom, like it's complete. He goes out. There's days I don't talk to. Yeah. She's got to go to Atlantic City. She goes, she went to see Hamilton.

You know, they have these lives in the 70s where they got to be doing something. Sure. And with Viagra, and if you've got a good heart, you're still fucking. I just can't imagine what a pussy looks like at 70 and what it would smell like if it smells dusty. I saw one. I've seen an old one. I saw one at 84. I saw 100 years old.

What it looked like. It was pretty, it was pretty gnarly. Wait, how did you see an 84? I went and watched a surgery. I was doing this research paper on surgery, like just the history of surgery. And they let me go to the hospital. And then they're like, you're going to witness all these, you know, OBG surgeries today. And I was like, okay, the very first one.

They're like, we're going to remove a cyst from this old lady's puss. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, make sure you don't talk about it because she's awake. You know? And I was like, oh, okay. And then they post you up right underneath her spread legs. They undrape it and they go in there and there's like a softball sized cyst inside of her. And they pop it and it's shooting puss out and everybody's like, holy shit.

And actually it was a good thing that they reminded us not to say anything because your natural instinct was just to go like, what the fuck? But we all, everyone kind of kept going. Fuck. Fuck. Her pussy's fucked up. But yeah, it was gnarly, man. It was, yeah, it was beat up. Well, I've seen a hundred year old lady.

When I was in high school, I did Christian service hours and we had to change this lady for her hundredth birthday. And I took off her dress and I saw her labia hanging out through her underwear. Like one of them was hanging out of her panties and they get real hanging. The lips get like... Yeah, lips get hanging. Yeah. Well, what did Dick and Balls do when they... Had a hundred?

They got a really hanging. I'm 54. It's no fucking beauty queen no more. When I was 30, I had a nice looking dick. It was veiny. It was tight. It's veiny. The turtleneck's all fucked up now.

Now the balls have got a really... Yeah, what are your balls like? All my balls are just... Are they in the water? Are they in toilet water? Well, I've always had naturally fucking big balls. Yeah. Now they're just...

But the dick looks like Frankenstein's forehead from not wearing underwear. Yeah. And having unlimited size. Yeah. I caught my helmet on the zipper. So I've got a thousand of those cars on my dick. I would never show my dick to a young girl. Yeah.

Like if a 20-year-old said I really want to suck your dick, it would be traumatizing for you. Sure. It's bad enough you're going to suck that dick. Never mind a 54-year-old dick. Like anybody who sucked Harvey Weinstein's dick, they were really going to burn. And Listerine, don't take that dick taste out of it. They're heroes. God.

That's interesting. I can't wait until he comes out with all the tapes of the women that did suck his dick. Because he ain't that stupid. He's creepy. You think he's got tapes? Oh, yeah. He's got like a young Angelina Jolie drinking blood and sucking dick at the same time. Slitting her arm and sucking his dick.

Jesus Christ. He really is Gollum, though. That guy is a fucking nightmare. He really is. But then again, you know, parts in a movie kind of worth it. Do you remember a few weeks ago, I played you one of our listeners calling into like this nerd fucking news show. All right, the dad boners.

And going like, keep it high and tight. Yeah. Two fucking nerds were like, keep it high and tight. That's like a catchphrase from our show. And they're calling these two guys and these guys keep reading it on their news show. They're fucking make believe good morning America style show. It's like a local. Yeah.

Like these. Justin, hey guys, this is my favorite part of the day. Watching from work. Really? Keep them jeans high and tight. They're so funny again. Every time, Justin. He gets you every time.

Yeah. So this is live at 13 ABC WAM. Where's WAM? I think it's in Rochester. Now the guy on the left, you could tell he sucked the dick. He fell into a dick patch one day. Well, how do you, do you have to get the shirts tailored to be that tight around your biceps? Oh, he's doing that on purpose for sure.

Right. Like that's what Ryan Gosling does too. I noticed. But this guy, his shirt's normal. Yeah. And he gets them tailored tight. Right. Well, the guy on the left wants you to know what's up.

Yeah. Yeah. Justin's checking in from work. Hope you guys are having a great and eventful day. Keep them jeans high and tight. So there you go. It's the second time, right? Yeah.

Then let's go back for more. Rachelle likes your jeans. Yeah, people are liking the jeans. They're wearing jeans today. I said they're a little short. Justin, hey guys, I love your shirts. Hope you guys have a great day. Keep them jeans high and tight.

Justin, we are wearing jeans today. And actually his are a little high. That's my concern. These are not high? Your jeans. No, not on your waist. Oh boy. They're a little short.

Tilt down. Carmen, what are you doing? What's going on? They're a little, yeah. He's got the dad sneaks on too. He's got the flood fucking pants on. Yeah, when he sits down, it looks like his dick is strangled too in these pants. Yeah.

He's got the European tighties on. Hungry butts. Yeah, dick is strangled. Yeah. Justin, checking in from work. Pink day today. You guys have a good day. No, that guy's definitely set the couple things.

Well, you know, the guy says nice stuff. So we're going to read your little line. I'm going to read it every day. As long as you compliment us. We're going to say your line. I will say your line. So then, okay. Jesus, it's like double fag.

They catch on. Well, they're catching on, yeah. They catch on on this next one. Jesus. And then they take jabs at us. Oh. But they do it in like the hackiest fucking lamest way. So like they don't say who we are, but they do.

Here, I'll just play it for you. Okay. Hey, Justin Hill is back. He's our guy. We should talk to Justin. It's white shirt day. We've heard about Justin's efforts. Yes.

Both ties are on fleek. Hope you're having a great day. Keep them mommies high and tight. We know about your mommy. We do. We know all about your mommies, Justin. Justin. Not one mommy.

You got two mommies. You got two quasi entertaining people on a podcast in California. I feel like they sit in a basement. And I emphasize quasi. I found a little humor from these comedians. At least, you know, we could be unfunny. Yeah. But we are not comedy gurus.

We don't claim to be funny. We don't profess to be funny. We just are. We don't profess to have any talent. That's right. Speak for yourself. But anyway, the mommies do, and we appreciate them ridiculing us. Gurus.

We don't claim to be funny. We don't profess to be funny at all. We just are. We don't profess to have any talent. That's right. Speak for yourself. But anyway, the mommies do, and we appreciate them ridiculing us. Yeah.

They're show. Hey, it's fun. Hey, it's fun. Oh, these guys are fun. Yeah? Okay. Their style of humor is like... Make a brunch and get over it.

That's their job. This is our basement. I think that this studio is probably nicer than theirs. Oh, this... Wait. Are you fucking kidding me? This basement that a guy that scored major films... Yeah, built in our basement.

All right, guys. You know what? You are very funny. At WAM 13. How did they coordinate? Do you think they call each other in the morning and they coordinate the outfits? Probably. The shirt colors and the ties and stuff?

Yeah, I think they probably do. I know that the day of... Like he said, they're just naturally funny guys. And I feel like the nice thing would be if they heard about how funny they are. So what I would tell you... That's a good idea. Justin, hey, guys. This is my favorite part of the day.

You know what? Why don't you hit these guys up and tell them. So this is Scott here. Scott. Hexco and Mamaloy. Yeah. I mean... Live at 13 WAM.

Yeah. WAM. He's a... Here we go. So he's at Scott Hexco. Okay. AGT. AGT.

SKL. AGT. SKL. Tell him. Tell him. Dude, we were watching your show with Matt. You are so fucking funny. You're the funniest guy.

I thought I knew comedy until I watched Live at 13 WAM. And now I know what funny is. Now I laugh. You and Matt are two true comedy pioneers. You don't even have to claim to be funny. We're watching your show and you guys are just that naturally. Let him know. Let's sick the mommies on them.

Let him know. Just remind them. I mean, tell them. You guys are... Your studio looks great and you're really fucking funny guys. Make sure you tell them that they're hilarious. Yeah. Yeah.

They're funny guys. Yeah. I almost feel kind of... I almost feel bad for them. They're just... They're such boners, you know? Yeah, they are. They're pretty bad.

No, but they're doing their Rochester thing. And you guys keep doing it, man. We're proud of you. You're very funny guys. Oh, jeez. Speaking of boners, we see sometimes people get excited about shit that I don't think you should get excited about and we kind of call them dad boners. Like this guy gets excited about the Trans-Canada highway, okay?

Just to give you some reference. Okay. Okay. Well, here we are. This is the Trans-Canada highway, baby. And... Like, what do you think of that guy? He's out of his fucking mind.

He's never fucked outside the stationary position. If he had a 1690, he'd have a heart attack. Doesn't drive you crazy. But one man's chicken is another man's fucking box. Yeah, yeah. So you have to look at it from that. It's like when you take your kid to go see SpongeBob, look at their face. Their face is fucking, this is God.

You know he's some dude making eight bucks an hour. Right, yeah. He's along the college degree, but it's so weird. It is weird. What? Something. It's like when people come up to you and go, I want to show you pictures from my vacation. Yeah.

I don't give a fuck. Yeah. You know what the best thing you did this morning? Not often be a tour of your house. I don't want to see your fucking bedroom, all right? Yeah. Leave it to yourself. Yeah.

Let's see the living room. Let's see the TV. You invited me over for breakfast. Where's those eggs you were talking about? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. People want to show you shit that you don't really want to fucking see. That's totally true.

Nothing drives me crazy in that. Yeah. I can't see without my glasses. So when you show me a picture of your trip to the Grand Canyon, I can't see it. I have to lie to you. Do people show you pictures? Oh, yeah. They drive me fucking crazy.

You know, remember when you didn't have kids? Yeah. When somebody sent you a Christmas card? Oh, who cares? With a picture of your ugly kid? Oh, I hate that. And you were like, look at that. And the report on the year.

Now I read them. And now I put the picture that came up on the wall. Yeah. Because I hope they do the same to me. Yeah. You know, it's so weird how things change. We were talking about change last night. Yeah.

How, who we were 15 years ago and who we are today. That's why I don't mind getting called out on a mistake I made. Right. But you can't call me out on something I did 15 years ago. Right. Because we've all changed in 15 fucking years. Yeah. You know, you want to call me out because when we were shooting a student film, Christine,

in 1998, I smacked your ass. Give me a break. You're going to ruin my life because I smacked your ass, even though you had hot pants on. And we're talking about how hot your friends say your ass is. How many times have you gone through a set and people are acting fucking totally, totally fucking wrong? Yeah. Even the women are acting totally wrong.

You know, so that's what's pissing me off about what's going on lately. We all fucking changed. Yeah. 15 years ago, who the fuck knows? Would I have taken my dick out in front of Christine and whacked off? No. But would Christine wait to see if I've ejaculated? No.

Christine would have left. Who sits around and waits for cum to come all over your stomach and for you to sit there? Christina wouldn't have waited. No. Christina would have kicked me in the stomach and ran out of there. Yeah. I know this for a fact. Yeah.

Christina, hold on. Let's discuss comedy. I really like your podcast. Yeah. I get the fuck out of it. What are you doing, Joey? Yeah. I want to show you a little bug under my dick.

No. Well, you know how many guys I've seen jerk off in public? I know you have. A lot. No, since I was 12. Yeah. Where? I've seen guys jerk off in church.

I've seen guys jerk off under freeway, under passes, buses. In the South Bay, over down in front of our house. In front of our house. A guy parked his car. Homeless guys in front of banks. I'm telling, I've seen, but how many of them do I watch and finish to completion? Fucking 0.0. You know what I'm saying?

You can turn around and get the fuck out of there. Yeah. Or call the cops. I call the cops on that guy. Yeah. It's everywhere. I've jerked off in my car. One, two, twice.

Well, yeah. You mentioned that one time on that great coke. Yeah. I had nowhere to go at night. You got to come down. Yeah. But I think one time our next girlfriend called me. She was telling me about her asshole and all this shit.

And I got so hot in the 405. I had to take that big one out and beat it in the HOV lane. It counted as a third passenger. If the cop pulls me over, where's your second passenger? Right here between my legs. Here he is alive and kicking. You nasty as hell, Joe. You got a macaw for the third time in your car.

Oh my God. You're going to come up here and buy this. Well, the key is to keep driving. Make him branch and get over it. Michael Brun, do you think those guys 69, the two new bastard dudes? I think one of them wants to 69 for sure. I don't know. All to do with the pink shirt.

He'll suck my asshole like a fucking chicken wing. You know what I'm saying? Oh man. Oh God. Yeah. How do you say that? I don't know if I'll suck his mic. Rectum.

Rectum. Rectum. This guy here gets real excited about this. Today we are celebrating something very special. My daughter's BFF is losing a tooth. In the most glorious and one of a kind ways. It has never been done before. I've done my internet research.

Okay. So this is the plan. Dad, after we drink them. Yes, of course. This is non-alcoholic carbonated cider in a champagne bottle. We are going to remove a tooth by celebrating. I don't like it. By removing the tooth.

Okay. What the fuck is he doing? He's going to pop the cork and that's going to take the tooth out. He tied it to the tooth. No, I don't like this at all. Oh, it's all right. It's nothing. Watch.

Open all the lights. Two. One. That's it. It worked. Oh my gosh, guys. Look at this nerd get so excited. Yes, I did it again.

I did it again. Did you feel anything. Who else feels that rush of energy? Who else thought that was going to work? This is one of those guys. You can talk him at the parking lot. At the park one day, you're like, come in for a second. Let me talk to you about something.

I want to pop a bottle with my dick and then I'll suck your dick. The poor daughter is embarrassed. She's like, my dad's such a dick sucker. I mean, you can just tell. He's a total dick sucker. God damn it, man. He's done some a lot of questionable shit. Who else feels that rush of energy?

Yeah, all the kids are like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I have to say as a woman, that does make my pussy dry. You're like, this guy's such a... Yes, I did it again. This is the kind of guy that finds those two news guys funny. Yeah, that's the demographic. Does he live in Rochester on Wham? Wham.

I like Rochester. Do you? I like Rochester Syracuse Buffalo. It's nice. It's pretty. There's stuff about it, you know. What do you like about it? It's cold.

People are different. I've always been a big fan of Buffalo. Something about Buffalo, I like the people. I took a guy on the road this year from Buffalo all year. Well, yeah, cool guy with the radio. Yeah, yeah, Josh Potter. Great guy, great guy, Josh Potter. He loves you.

That's right, because he's worked with you too. Yeah, I love Josh Potter. He looks like a young Pee Wee Herman. He could jerk off in the movie theater, but you wouldn't give a fuck. Even Pee Wee, he jerked off in the movie theater. He didn't bother anybody. If it happened now, I wonder if his career would be as over.

I feel like that's nothing compared to today's standards. We got a six-fingered answer. Hey, Hitler's, I'm just a black guy that got out of jail and like to fuck. I had to stop. I had to stop my come hug to write this email about the question of the advantages and disadvantages of being born with six fingers. As a glass and mousse to beat man with six fingers on one hand, I can answer this puzzling question.

We in the six-fingered community do not acknowledge a middle finger. Also from experience, it is not an advantage in the fingering men, women, but I believe it does add to the experience when you rub, rub, rub. Thanks, Waterchamp and Christina Machines Within. Please fuck my triple D slut wife. Your boy from the Trans Canada Highway, Sam the Rainmaker. Well, he got a lot of them in there. That's quite the answer.

You know what I can't wait. Sorry. I keep thinking about those two dorky newscasters. Is when are the mommies rain the fury? Oh, on Twitter. Like they have no idea what's about to happen to them. Yeah, no, they're going to have some fun. I guarantee we have way more listeners than they do.

Are you kidding me right now? They have no idea what they just fucking did. I know. They're going to fuck with the wrong people. Yeah, you guys fuck with the wrong people, dude. Yeah, they're going to have to, they're going to end up shutting down their Twitter. What's a rain fury? The wet butthole research.

Okay. Hey, mommies, I'm a regular shit to shower participant. Great. Do you do that, Joe? Oh, I'm sure you do. I like to shit in the shower. In the shower. No, no.

Every once in a while, pieces fall down. You're in there, you're overcommitted. Yeah, yeah. But you have to take a shit. What do you mean you're showering and then pieces of shit fall down? Sometimes you take a shit. Sometimes you jump in the shower. Yeah.

You wake up late, you're running late, you're not thinking. And you're like, fuck, I'm supposed to take a shit before the shower. And you're like, what am I going to do? Dry off and go out and start from scratch? Yes. No. No. No.

You turn around, you dump that shit in. You take a stick and you push it down the hole. No. Joey, no. Yes, I did. I done it like three or four times. No. But my wife caught me.

My wife caught me one time. Throwing a piece. Throwing. She caught you throwing a turd. One time she caught me with my hand throwing it. No, Joey. Into the toilet. Yes, she did.

Oh, my God. I'm going to throw up. And she got upset? Yeah, she got upset. We're done with that. Wait a minute. But how do you shit standing? I've never just popped a squat, right?

Pop a squat, the thing. In hotels on the road? Yeah. I'll take a good shit in the shower. I don't give a fuck. And it has like those four things. Jesus. And the beauty of it is the shower has the four things.

So it's like when you were a kid and you had Play-Doh and you pushed the shampoo bottle. Jesus. This is another level, bro. Yeah, bro. I don't fuck around. Especially in Vegas. I got that big shower on the presidential suite. Yeah.

And they got that big hole. Oh, my God. Goddamn. On a regular day, though. But I haven't done it in about 10 years. I'm going to lie. Yeah. If you take a shit on the toilet, do you wipe and then get in the shower or do you just

take a... All right. Here's the day. Remember a couple of weeks ago when the plane went down because the guy farted and it was really bad? No. A couple of weeks ago, a flight had to go down because somebody farted and it was really bad.

Okay. I had the whole explanation to that. Okay. I'm a morning shitter. Yeah. But I can't wake up and shit. I have to wake up, drink coffee, do a piece of nicotine gum. And I get the interior going.

Yeah. Then I'll smoke a dope. Then you smoke. Right. So I open the back door. While I'm smoking, the shit starts coming out of me. So I'm smoking while I'm shitting. Okay.

So that's that first really, really good shit of the fucking day. Yeah. And then you go and then I take a shower. My ass is tip top magoo. Yeah. And I have no other problems. If I shit, it's maybe like at six and before I go out, I'll take a shower to go to the company store.

Okay. So that's that's that one thing. I'm a morning shitter. Who's a morning? Oh, strictly. No, we're a morning, noon, night, middle of the night, all day. Like that dude that got on the plane that day, the plane had to be taken down at 10. I've been there because you got up at five, you ate breakfast at the Uber came before

you could take a shit. You walk into the bathroom at LAX and it's a tornado of shit odors. Have you ever walked to the middle of the men's bathroom? Yeah. It's 10 guys shit in there once. Yes. Same in the women's. Yeah.

And it's just, and you're like, I'm not going to take a shit on you. Then you have the oatmeal and you get on that fucking four hour flight and you're ass after two hours, listen only an animal could shit on a flight. Yeah. I've done it a few times. I've never shit on it. I've done it for emergency shit. So not like a casual.

No, no, no, no. Yeah. If it's not, I will hold it till it's coming out of my ear balls, eyeballs before I shit on the plane. That's disgusting. Oh, it's gross. It is gross. I hate it.

But they do the best they can. The suction pulls out the parts now. Yeah. You know, they do the best they can. So what do you think happened on that flight? He held it. He held it. He held it.

And then you get those prefarts. Yeah. It's like when you're driving home. Yeah. You can drive home. You don't need to take a shit. Once your asshole processes the exit. Yes.

Okay. I know you're talking about. Once you get it off Laurel Canyon. Yeah. But you hit Vineland. Yeah. As soon as you're asked to your eyes, connect with Laurel Canyon. Yeah.

It's like two miles. It knows. Once your asshole hits the ramp, there's a magnet on the off-ramp that pulls shit out of your ass. Think of life. Yeah. Because that first light, when you're going off that off-ramp, you pray to God. You go, Lord, if there's a fucking God, please don't let there be a red light there.

Oh, my God. And there's always a red light because that magneto pulls that last bump. Now you're at that light, your foot's tapping. Think of that fart that comes out first. The pre-shit fart is horrific. Yeah. You can't even tolerate it. You got the windows open.

You got the air on. It's thick. It's warm. It's really, yeah. And once you go in, you feel it slipping out of your ass, and that's tremendous when you sit and that first 14 inches just drop. Stop. And you hear the water hit your asshole and you're like, whew.

And then you hear like little pieces like, you ever go to a hot dog factory? A what? You ever go to a sad bread hot dog factory? No. When I was in the CIA work study program that made us go there. That's what my asshole's like. When you go to a sad bread factory, it's a hole in the floor, like a six by six foot circle.

And there's a bunch of Puerto Ricans with brooms, all right? And there's three Puerto Ricans with bags of 80 pounds salt. I'm not making this up. Why do they have to be Puerto Ricans? Well, they can be Hungarian. They're only. I just didn't want to insult you, you know. So there's a duct.

And out of that duct, Christine, it's all pieces of the cow and the pig that are not used. The hearts, the eyeballs, the gut. And you just see them coming down, blah, blah, blah, and it smells horrible. But then you see like three Puerto Ricans putting salt on them and 10 Puerto Ricans, they sweep it into a hole and that's where it gets processed and it becomes a hot dog. Oh, I love my dogs anymore. That's how the hot dog is processed.

And that's how your asshole is. That's how your asshole is. Well, I don't know. I lost whatever thought I had. But didn't you recently have a huge shit, you were saying? Last week when I came from New York, it was four days eating. For some reason, correct me. We take shits on the road, but they're not really good shit.

I have to disagree. You look at them and go, it's like a nine inch. It's not a lot. The shit I take when you get home, when I walk in that door, and I put that luggage down and I run to the back bathroom. The shit I took was like a cane. When I flushed it, you could hear the cane breaking like they had like a bone in the middle.

It was going and it finally broke and it flooded and I had to punch it with the next morning I come back and I see my wife, she went and got a snake at Kmart because I'm always fucking that bathroom up. I fucked that bathroom up so good you can't take a shower back there. Really? Because sometimes the shower over floods from the shit I take in that bathroom. She loves you so much. No, but listen, when I pick that house, I pick a house because of the bathroom.

Everybody looks at living rooms and family rooms. If the bathroom ain't proper, you're not going to live right. I want my bathroom. I need to spread my legs out. I want a window. Yeah. I want a CB radio. I want a CB.

I want a phone. I want my bag. I don't know Playboy. I love my wife. No Playboy, no penthouse. Yeah. Books. I want, I want, I got, I got the bidet in there now.

Oh shit. That's a life changer, huh? I got the bidet in there now. What kind did you get? The tushy. That we got that one here and then the kitchen one. Yeah, it's amazing. You put the hot water when the hot water hits you.

Yes, the best thing. And when you open up that thing, I mean, it really, it'll leave you with not, you can eat off your ass. It's like, it's beautiful. It's like a hose. Yeah. And you take some more. And then I took a loofa.

Yeah. You go to bed baths and beyond and you got a big loofa, you got a good one, but you cut it into little asshole loofas. Oh, that's a good idea. I have an apholusa loofa. Yeah. I read like 90 days, I change it. I'm sorry.

Wait. I don't, wait. Would you, you dispose of it one use and gone? No, like every two or three weeks. I don't understand. How are you washing it, Joey? Listen to me. You take the thing and you let the bidet, the tushy hit your ass, right?

Yeah. And it takes all the chunks and fingernails and all the, all the big shit that comes out. Yeah. Then you take rolling paper, toilet paper. Right. You wet it first and then you massage it. It's clean.

Yeah. Now to exfoliate the asshole. Yeah. Because that's what nobody does. Everybody washes and wipes, but nobody exfoliates the asshole. Yeah. That is a problem. Yeah.

You take the loofa and you take the other one and you just, you know, exfoliate that little asshole. Yeah. And later on, later on when you're driving, you go for a little drive and when nobody's watching you stick your finger in your ass and you scratch it. No, no. And that smells tremendous. It smells like that little loofa, like that little clam.

I bet you Joey has a really nice asshole. I do. I don't think so. You know why? I've never licked it, but if they're ready to lick it, I'm not going to lick it. Because I have a chick who's going to like it. I've been begging for it. Stop.

Can I say, no decent woman, no woman that's going to bury your children is going to fucking eat your ass, dude. Yes, they have to. Your wife is eating your ass on the reg? No. No, but she should. No, not that she really should. Well, we were dating and she had to eat my ass one time.

If not, I can't marry it. You got to suck the ball, suck and just pick up that canal and lick that asshole like this son. Thank you. You got to do it like you're not going to get a single woman to lick your ass unless she's a savage. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

Pigs do that stuff. Any time I've gotten a girl coked up, your ass holds the first and that gets licked and they could smell like Newark. They don't give a fuck. Newark. They read that ass like, you know, listen, if I'm fucked up and you got good pussy and I bend you over the age 69, you'd eat your ass from behind and it's got a wang to it. You think I'm going to tap you and go, Christine, you got wang in your ass, I'm not going to

eat it. I got to eat it with that wang. I committed that because he's a real commit. I should have planned that like the other little Rocky bunny because we had a debate on this show that this guy was like the only way I'm going to eat a girl's butt is if it's totally clean. It doesn't smell. Yeah.

That's disgusting. He doesn't love it. He doesn't love it. No. No. I don't want to eat your pussy when you come out of the shower. Yeah. I want you to go to yoga.

Yeah. I want you to come back from yoga with those little pubic hairs. All right. Is there a clip we can watch? What? A stomach starting to turn. You want somebody to eat your pussy? We went to Lufa in your butthole.

Oh, my God. To asshole, to people dirty. Let's say you jog four miles and you come back, what does that pussy smell like? It's treachery. It's tremendous. It's not. It's a little sweaty. It's not.

It smells like a gyro. You know those little tzatziki juice they put in the gyro. Is it a gyro or a euro? What the fuck it is? Eurogry. Right above the clip. So this guy. Now you know why I don't join Lincoln then?

Because. Lincoln then. Fuck. I agree with you on Lincoln then. That's a fucking stupid. What is Lincoln then? People sent in some song submissions. You want to hear them?

Yeah. So crazy, isn't it? And machines within. So this guy has been making, has been writing songs. Show them the original. Machines within. I got a gun. I got a gun.

Yeah. I got a gun. Terminator gun. Yeah. Machines within. Machines within. T16. T16.

T16. 100%. T16. Machines within. Machines within. I love your podcast. I know you find this shit. So this guy.

Wait, what do you think of a song? Like what do you feel? I don't even think that's a song. Yes. T16. T16. 100%. I don't know.

I thought you were talking about testosterone levels. T16. T16. Nice guy. You know. I'm gonna fucking throw him. It says testosterone levels. But you can see where it's the kernel of like something good, right?

Like it could be a good song. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's onto something. Just don't tell nobody. Yeah. I remember I told the kid once he pitched me a script. Yeah.

At the end he was like, what do you think? I go, listen. High level script. But don't tell nobody about it. He's looking at me like, why? I go, because everybody don't jump on it. Don't tell a soul about not a soul. Keep it.

We're gonna work on it. It was that bad. Yeah. It's weird when you talk to somebody down from a bad idea, but this, like he said, there's definitely something here. Yeah. So this came in for a machines with intake. The Metallica version.

This is great. That's so good. Yeah, dude. It's good. This is good. Very good. Dude, this is fantastic. That's John Powers from New Hampshire.

Wow. Joey likes it. Not bad, man. This is the same song, Joey. But we have talented listeners. Well, the other guy didn't have the studio. Yeah, that's right. He didn't have access to the studio that day.

That's right. Jason from Sacramento did an acoustic version. Yeah. Of the machines within. Yeah. I haven't heard it, but... We have some very talented listeners. Musically inclined people who will take the kernel.

Wow. It's beautiful. Beautiful. It's very, very nice. I actually think that's beautiful. Yeah. So last week, the same artist submitted another song, or this guy. My introduction, my song, I just made on Facebook.

It's called Crazy, Isn't It? Well, here I go. I'll drop that verse for you. Crazy, isn't it? Crazy, isn't it? Drop that verse. Drop that verse. Got the knife.

Crazy, isn't it? Got that knife. Crazy, isn't it? Crazy, isn't it? Yes, yes, yes. So this is the same guy that was walking down the street, the same guy. Well, best. He must be a fan of Talimundo.

He likes that fucking wrestling, man. Talimundo loves wrestling. Crazy, isn't it? They do. Top that verse. How crazy, isn't it? Innocent, innocent, crazy, innocent, Isn't it?

Incident, innocent, incident, isn't it? So he did that crazy shit. And then people started sending in their versions. My introduction, my song, I just made on Facebook. It's called Crazy, Isn't It? Crazy, isn't it? Crazy, isn't it? Much love, no hate, much love, no hate.

This is the old Firebird. That's a Hungarian organ. Yeah. That's the Hungarian organ. I think he's right. He's getting right. A little something for Christine. This is produced by R2.

My introduction, my song, I just made on Facebook. It's called Crazy, Isn't It? Well, here I go. I'll drop that verse here. Thank you. Damn. Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy. Isn't it?

Oh, it's good. Crazy, isn't it? Drop that verse. Drop that verse. Crazy, isn't it? So you get the vibe. Drop that verse. Drop that verse.

Innocent, innocent. And then this is Innocent Incident. My introduction, my song, I just made on Facebook. It's called Crazy, Isn't It? Well, here I go. I'll drop Crazy, isn't it? Crazy, isn't it? Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.

What's the bottom? Cool in this place. In this place. In this place. Cool, cool, cool. In this place. In this place. In this place.

I don't want that. What's the bottom? This is terrifying. It's demonic, right? And there's a last one here. This is by Adrian. Trap remix. It's really good.

My introduction, my song, I just made on Facebook. It's called Crazy, Isn't It? Well, here I go. I'll drop that verse here for you. Yes, yes, yes. Drop that verse. Yes, yes, yes. Crazy, isn't it?

Crazy, isn't it? That's good. Not bad, man. Drop that verse. Drop that verse. Crazy, isn't it? This one's my favorite. I think I'm a fan of trap.

I like the heavy metal music. You like the heavy metal music? That was awesome. Yeah, I think that's amazing. I don't want that was forgotten. But some of these are good too. I don't want that was forgotten. I don't want that was forgotten.

I think your theory has always been right. He just needs to be paired up with the right producer. Yeah. And that's what these initial passes are. This is the first round of producers that have stepped up. Yeah. Next week, the week after, we're going to hear different variations on the song. Just so people know.

So for this whole week, you can get 15% off on my store. Go to merchmethod.com slash tomcigura. Use the code cyber 15 C Y B E R 15. You get 15% off everything in the store. There's glass and bikes, machines within the Santa wears jeans hat, all that stuff. I hope people ask me about machines within guy about his shirt. He is getting money for it. So he's we've reached out.

Don't worry about it. He'll get he'll definitely have a check coming to him. But anyway, so go to the store. The only thing not going to be on sale is there's a charity sweater says Santa Santa Claus wears jeans and that all that money goes to Children's Hospital of Los Angeles. So that's not on sale, but everything else is vinyl. All that shit. Vinyl is crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy. Vinyl. Vinyl. So I think that's about it, Jean. We have one other thing here. And then it's time to go. First of all, thanks a lot, Joey, for coming by. Thank you for having me.

Thank you, Joey. I want to see the house and the baby. Yeah. He's a beautiful little boy. You guys did good. Thanks. He's a good kid. Somebody wrote to us, I went to the post office as you know, post offices are fairly quiet

for the most part. As soon as I walk in, I hear an older lady blaring church music through her phone while waiting to be called. When her number was called, she didn't turn off the music. She just set her phone on the counter while getting help by the employee. All of us there were stunned. No one said anything. Should someone have said something or let it pass?

I really, I didn't really mind, but it was weird and uncomfortable. Thanks, Jean's Nick. I think you're insane. If you're walking around playing music and then put your phone down and play music through it. I think people are crazy walking around playing music when they're walking around out loud for everybody. You all have to hear your fucking musical preferences.

I think someone should definitely say something. I disagree. I've been in waiting rooms. Don't say anything to her. She's out of her fucking mind. Oh, well. You don't know what she's going to do to you. No, let her do it and just get on with your life.

Those people are out of, she's on another fucking reality, dude. My respect goes up tenfold for people that say something in those situations. I've been in a waiting room where somebody was on a phone and there's one of those office waiting rooms where it says, don't use your phone. And somebody else in the waiting room said, hey, get off of your phone. And I was like, and then the person goes, excuse me. And she goes, don't you see the sign? It says you can't be on the phone in here.

And so the lady was like, hey, I think I got to go. I loved it. I loved all that shit. I love it. I get excited. I won't say nothing unless it really affects me. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. When somebody steps up like that, I think it's the best man. It really gets me excited. So go see Joey Diaz. He'll be at the Sacramento punchline. You only have two shows left. You can get into December 7th, which is Thursday and the, uh, Thursday and Friday, like the early show.

The late show probably is one of them. So that'll be the Sacramento punchline, uh, check out Diaz, uh, Christina P. You can see a mother inferior on Netflix. If you have not yet seen it, it's streaming on Netflix. She'll be in New York next few days. Yeah. I'm doing the stern wrap up show on Thursday. So if you guys listen to that, I'm so fucking excited.

I'm such a huge fan and I can't wait to nerd out. And then she has her dates available at Christina P. online. She's come into, uh, uh, Shark Lake titties, A Portland, Oregon and, um, Pasadena and then Calusa, Calusa Casino, which I think, uh, I think Diaz and I did that together. Oh, stop it. Yeah. My favorite thing about, well, he, I hadn't editable with him before a flight and I lost

my mind and he was just talking all kinds of crazy shit. I thought I was going to pass out from laughing that we, we, we did a Southwest flight together and he goes, go sit by the window and I go, okay, well, he goes, I'll sit by the aisle. There's no way someone's going to want to sit between two fat fucks. All right. That worked for all those flights and then remember that I finally like started to come down off of this edible and I was like, man, that was horrible. That was horrible.

And I come down and I go, I just, I'm amazed at his tolerance and I go, I just can't believe how much you can tolerate. Like I was really like having anxiety. I guess you don't. He's like, what are you talking about? I almost had three panic attacks. Oh my God. And I go, and I go, dude, you don't mind that he's like, what are you going to do?

And then we walk outside and I'm like, thank God I'm coming down. He goes, you want to smoke a joint? I go, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do anything for a year. Yeah. He was right back at it. Wait. How do you deal with the panic attacks?

Cause that's why I can't take a lot of pot. I breathe through them. You what? Breathe. Just breathe. Do you talk to yourself? Like don't, like you feel it and you're like, I chill out. The worst panic attack is if I eat an edible and I have to do something, run upstairs.

Or that's when I get panic attacks. Like something active has to be done. Oh yeah. Okay. But besides that, I'm pretty good. Yeah. Well, that's yours. So.

Okay. Do you do an activity? Do you ever like watch TV to calm yourself down sometimes when you're too high? I just go to sleep. Really? When I'm too high, I just pass the fuck out. Yeah. I get to that level where you just want a little too deep.

Just take a little nappy. I remember we got to Calusa. I still remember this. We got to Calusa and they're like, you guys want to go to the buffet? We were like, sure. But I was still had that like after high where you know, you know, you're not as hungry as you think you are because the weed is making you feel like you have much. So I go to the buffet line and I come back with a salad because I'm trying to fight

the feeling of just overindulgence. I know I eat myself sick is what I feel like. So I, I show up at the table and then Joey shows up and he's got like four plates of like all different treats and he's like, who the fuck are you? And I go, well, he's like eating a salad. What are you fucking Puerto Rican or something? So I'm sure like that. And I'm like, what?

I go, I don't want to eat crazy. He's like, go get yourself something to eat. Come back here with real fucking food. And I go, okay. So I go back in the points. Yeah. We fucked the points big time. That's the way.

Watch your points. We're too stoned. We're stoned out of our minds. You're the best dude. Thanks for coming. We love you. Thanks, Joey. Great podcast.

I love the videos. I love your quirkiness and I wish you guys nothing but success. You're a great couple. Thanks, brother. Thanks. We love you. Thanks guys for listening. We'll see you next week.

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