Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura - 489-Jake Weisman, Matt Ingebretson & Brendan Schaub

Episode Date: March 6, 2019

We've got all kinds of goodies in this one. The creators and stars of Comedy Central's Corporate stop by for an honest, funny chat with the Water Champ and Christina. Matt Ingebretson and Jake Weisman are hilarious dudes who fit right in and amazingly, Jake suffers from the same problem that Josh Potter has - trouble finishing the sex.  Can Jake coach Josh into creaming on command?  AND  Big Brown Brendan Schaub stops by. As always, hilarious and on POINT. He brings that BDE and the whole studio comes alive.  Pull em up and leave em there!

St. Louis aka St. Louis tits I've got some good news I am adding a late show at the pageant the pageant theater that's going to be May 31st at 10 p.m. early shows at the Stifle thing it's called this one will be at the pageant 10 p.m. tickets go on sale this Wednesday March 6 at 10 a.m. local time go to Tom cigarette comm slash tour or just follow any of my social media Instagram Twitter and I will post links to it you can get tickets this Wednesday 10 a.m. local time thank you St. Louis all right this Dolomite final no that's the artist or just the name of this song that's a good I like it a lot

yeah I'm taking a shit homey I'm taking a shit homey yo check it out got them road dates coming up brah the 7th and 8th and Tampa are sold out I have a few tickets left March 9th at the Seminole Hard Rock in Hollywood Florida otherwise known as the Seaman Hole Hardcock come Sino in Fart Lauderdale Florida but for these purposes it's in Hollywood Florida big room few tickets left if you want to get them later on in March I have two shows in Portland Maine there are very few tickets left March 26 March 27th is sold out then Red Bank New

Jersey Westbury oh New Haven Connecticut March 30th the early show is sold out the late show in New Haven has a few tickets left that is March 30th late show has tickets in Madison Wisconsin April 11th late show in Milwaukee has tickets April 12th and late show in Nashville April 14th all at Tom cigarette comm slash tour a bunch of new shows will be added and announced in April if you want first dibs on those tickets go to Tom cigarette comm slash tour and sign up for the email mailing list that goes out to everyone before the venue pre-sales and before the general on sale and you can get tickets first Jean oh my god I

just thought of the best one for Milwaukee yeah dick milk walkie dick milk walkie what do you think it's really good the blue band likes it yep he smiled yeah all right jeans a ride or die tour continues April 4 through 6 mini-apple tits Minnesota at the Acme come on your comedy club May 10th and 11th and Tempe Arizona at the Tempe improv May 31st through June 1st sperm bank California Flippers comedy club that's here in Burbank and then June 20th through 22nd Washington Dick come at the Dick come improv tickets at Christina P. online also if you're not aware I know a lot of you are new to the

show I have two Netflix specials one is called mother inferior and one I have a half hour on a special called the degenerates with Joey Diaz big J. O. Kersen Lisa Traeger who's been on a guest on this show yeah and Yamanica Saunders so try it out check it out under Christina P. my name is just Christina P. that's what's up thank you that's it right yeah all right guys if you do your shopping on Amazon use our banner your mom's house podcast calm click on the banner at the bottom of the homepage do your shopping as you normally would bookmark it thank you all right that's what I do every time all right

man there she goes we're about to get this show started there's a lot to talk about we have great guests coming in are you ready to party genes let's do it well I don't like Facebook and I don't like the internet because I can't find a job the library blocked my password now tell me does that make any sense to you who is Randy don't bring anyone loving to this welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina Pajit welcome to your mom's house how does the library block your password oh this is a really good one you're

really gonna enjoy this by the way I was I'm being told that that opening audio instrumental was Obi-Wan that was an Obi-Wan instrumental that's all school jam by mahalo Obi-Wan cannoli yep um but back to my point how does the library I'm sorry the library block one's password well I think you need to get the first the full because I have a little experience with this lady why don't you this lady by the way for people listening is going up to a town hall hearing about an issue of where basically you know there's the the people that have power right the city commissioners and whatever their titles

are and then there's an audience of members of the public and then you kind of can take your turn to walk up to the mic and address the issue at hand yeah and so it yeah go ahead no I'm just I'm very excited because I have a very good observation yeah the rock yeah is that where you're gonna go to yeah really I think the common denominator with a really great why I'm each lady clip we've already determined what the guys are poor bra quality no bra no bra and the biggest sloppers you've ever seen yeah and they're not young sloppers like they have got to be 40 plus oh yeah now they got some miles on them mom tits and then

she's got like the ridiculous chain around her neck oh yeah like keys yeah it's like a key card yeah it's an official thing like a laminate would it's her qualifications her life called yeah let's go let's see oh fuck hello my name is Lisa and white Whitmer Wagon I just moved here because I'm getting a divorce and it's not final till September 18th my husband will not give me any money not one penny the lawyer won't help me my husband won't help me sure my dad Marlin Lee Whitmer he's a minister won't help me yeah my stepmother won't help me my mother passed away seven years ago ma'am we're

discussing the rezoning for the Portellos do you have any comments on that for what we're discussing the rezoning on fifty third four well I live on sixty third again we're here to hear comments about the rezoning well I don't like Facebook okay and I don't like the internet because I can't find a job the library blocked my password now tell me does that make any sense to you now it actually does I think that the library I believe the library may have issues yeah with her I think she probably earned that block yeah yeah they blocked her password Tom how do they block your password I don't know it makes no sense

can you imagine being one of these people on this path what do you have a password for at the library that's what I'm saying I guess to get in to look at the internet and stuff oh right right right that's why she doesn't like the internet anymore she's there talking about her marital problems and shit mm-hmm and my husband won't help me we won't give her a penny my stepmom won't help me that's not nice by the way in a divorce even a divorce you know she just needs to be heard today that's my favorite I wouldn't do that to you you know can we you know this morning I was like I was like babe I love you I want

to stay married forever please let's never divorce and you were just like oh there's a new Verizon that opened up down the street I'm like I'm looking for reassurance yeah I'm looking for I love you we'll never get a divorce can you say that to me Tom well so because it was in the city of Davenport with where she was the city of Davenport do you know where that is I don't care it's a divorce town for you hello are we gonna stay together forever or not yeah I mean you never know I mean everything happens for a reason stop it no I'm not getting a divorce no we're not getting a divorce why would you divorce

I'm just making sure that you're in it to win it I am we have children together I know but some people don't care I got I mean I'm saying I don't know what's out there you know you know what's out there road beef yeah you've been you've been out there before yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll see so dumb you keeping your options open I mean I mean everyone's got let me tell you something let me tell you something what woman out there is gonna clean out your ear hair like I get fucked a lot here's the deal man I need to be fucked a lot man do you know that that's a clip that I still think about a lot to try to think about him

all the time I still think about him yeah I think about my grandfather and him the most wait but I'm trying to make a point which is we were at Starbucks yesterday yeah and I noticed you're growing dad ear hair yeah you're not even 40 but your dad and that's what happens yeah and then later that day I cleaned out your ear hair for you in the kitchen now that's love you love me yeah like Chris Rock says new pussy's not gonna clean out your fucking ear hair he uses that exact yes he does he says new pussy he says new places that your ear hair as your hair but you're nasty you got ear hair and nose hair yeah I

know I know I know and here's the other thing new pussy doesn't like it they're like yeah they're always like your ear hair could you do you think you could fucking trim your ear hair before I board the bang bus and I'm like yeah yeah hold on a second I can't even care anymore how many times a day do you think I say are you even listening to me I your iPhone yeah you're listening to me yeah I'm here I can hear you fucking hear you fine your hair fuck you know the funny thing is somebody mentions to you you have like crazy ear hair you immediately can't stop thinking about it I know you said you can't you can't pull

it out really you know like you're just like wait there's hair growing out of my ears I know and you are such a dad about it so like what you're listening to me yes I'm listening to you constant it's like having a teenager and I kept I pulled it a little so you could feel where it was done yeah I know but then you still couldn't get it on your own is it here and you kept like digging in the the trimmer I like yeah get with a program dad yeah yeah I know and then I asked you to give me head scratchies last night you love head scratches that's our currency yeah but here's the thing okay you some people understand this and

then some people I guess won't but so for those of you that don't know she loves like you know head scratch so what happens is you need like if you're laying in bed you need it to be where your hand naturally lays it's so lazy nobody knows that the only way he'll give me scratchies is if you if you you're like yeah yeah as long as your head is right here that's a reasonable thing right here it's so reasonable but can't you can't like bend your arm okay that's what the elbows for no this is not comfortable to sit there and scratch like this so I just like hey could you be here so you were here and all I did

was adjust your head no yeah I was falling asleep you're scratching and then you go you push my head like that like you push one of the dogs yeah like I was a Brussels girlfriend I didn't go I didn't go like this yeah yeah no no you were here I just went like this like a dog like I was one of the dogs and then you got continued head scratches not for long they were very poor quality oh okay they were subpar scratchies I mean you're talking shit about the scratchies you're getting they weren't very good you gave up and you think I fall asleep when I don't notice on the bang bus everybody is appreciative all

right you don't give head scratchies to those sluts I know they don't get scratch that's that's what it's a wife move they have but scratches as soon as they say as soon as they mentioned head scratchies we open the bus or we just throw them out push her head out yeah yeah here get out of here lot lizard take stupid yeah yeah so we've been getting into you know we were like we we finished their dirty John and you're watching what's that show called now on Netflix borrowed you you fucking love that I know but I haven't got a rip through it I'm done okay so I need to start watching that so what we did is we

found season one of 90 day fiance yeah which was a great move I gotta say sometimes you know we get into these shows they've been on for a while and I'm like I don't want to watch the old season you know and you realize that's why you're on this new season because the old season is good yeah fantastic great show now the problem with the early episodes of 90-day fiance is that they actually find intrinsically good girl yeah they had more stability yeah I don't like that they found like nice girls that actually love these guys yeah it's really weird I don't like that so there's this fucking dork who's from out

here oh they're all doors and he's like he's a Mormon and fucking smoke show that would definitely make Josh come definitely and he's just like well he's that fucking 30 he's like I'm Mormon and I'm gonna wait till marriage so he has his dork friend come over and chaperone them and he's like you lay here and make sure I don't go crazy and fuck her it's the best spends the night with his friend fucking nerd alerts in the living room I know and she's like a 20 year old girl from Brazil and from like a tiny favela like a shit dog talent she's never even had running water in her house and so he has to show her you know

okay thank you she's a teenager no she's not she's like 19 and she's like I've never seen running water before oh and he's like this is the hot water cold built to spin on a knob okay she's 80 pounds exactly she's tiny little she looks like a chihuahua yeah I mean tiny little girl if Josh couldn't come with her then then nobody can come yeah anyways yeah this dork had his fucking nerd friend like why then why are you bringing these sluts over here if you're not banging them and then another nerd I thought that would be like the pay toll you know that's the toll that's the price you pay for bringing over I was

like rubbing my hands like I was gonna fuck so much right yeah and then then there's another dork the Colombian girl oh now she's built the fuck gorgeous and she comes over she's like I'm ready to pay the price she was like I didn't come in the morning come shake and then for lunch I have come on my chicken and then you come all over my face coming my hair yeah he's made of and then I get to see this in ship right he's like whatever you know yeah now she's like she actually really probably more than he does she's in him and he lives in Oklahoma with his mommy and daddy which is insane and he's 27 years old I'm

like bro you brought this chick over go invest in rent an apartment in Oklahoma where I'm sure you can get an apartment for $10 a month or whatever the cost of living is there another this is I think we just saw here fucking we just solve the Josh dilemma was that we're for Potter yeah needs to be on one of these sites and bring over a fucking come dog a foreign dog dog a great idea yeah who's like I want the American life yeah he's like I need to come yeah and then perfect exchange set up well that is the exchange it's I want American life well I need to come well peanut butter and chocolate go well together they sure do

deal man here's you fuck a lot I let you stay exactly and here's the best part is that you don't have to be wealthy you just need to have an apartment and a mattress on the floor yeah like an air mattress these chicks are fine they're totally fine they're like he has air in it yeah they're really impressed especially some of these real third-worlders yeah like the Philippines like those chicks are just happy to have a roof over their head this Brazilian chicks now the Russians are a little more high-falutin oh yeah yeah yeah well she's a you know she's obviously a spy but she yeah she she kind of eyeballs things she also does the

slow play yeah him she's like we're not gonna fuck right away right no she's yeah yeah no wait a minute yeah but I think a lot of those season one couples are still together I think you're right because they picked nice girls they then they figured it out they figured out as the seasons progressed like we got to get some fucking psycho bitches in here some real users and users man they're not looking for love that's a shit to watch make a love show no and so what's even crazier is that my so embarrassing I found a picture of my dad's recent wedding yeah to his 90-day fiance wild and let me tell you like my dad's

literally living this TV show yeah and I haven't I haven't matter I'm not talking currently to my dad for a few reasons we won't get into on the show but I'm I saw a picture of my new mom and what do you think she's pretty yeah she's real young in her 30s and they're wearing like Vietnamese traditional wedding but the cool thing is my dad went comfy because he's wearing his good sneakers so the wedding so you know it's paying that toll right so I'm definitely thinking she's she's paying to come to the gist hole that's exactly what it has to be right because he's probably like I

want somebody to cook and clean but also somebody I can fuck and she's like great I don't like Vietnam sounds good to me I like to live in the valley wife number two if you're out there hey you can you could get an American you don't those are for nerds dude okay the 90-day fiance they're all fucking dorks that's true you're a celebrity you know what I'm saying right he's an American pig okay what do you think she would be like what do you think it was seriously who if I was on my dad's no no no if I was on number two what would it be like we think she would I'm telling you I definitely not a foreign girl no because

you're too American like you are American you like American yeah you like blondes but she'd have to be real dumb I'm telling you like you want a Dalmatian why the fuck do I need it because the first wife is always like the real wife and then the second wife is like the no static wife like all she wants to do is like yoga all day and she's like I'm into a gluten-free diet and she just talks about quinoa or whatever and then I eavesdrop on her conversations she's like I'm trying to get Todd to lose weight eating way too much dairy no but all she does yeah she's like a yoga instructor yeah all

right cool that's all she does cool cool cool she tolerates our children hold me on out man no I'm here now tolerates our kids but she's not she doesn't want a kid right might be a mom no no no my second wife oh no they always want kids that's a problem with the second wife what about my kid that's so that's the so here's the problem with my new viet mom too is that she's probably young enough viet mom yeah yeah but she definitely because I think she's still where's my viet mom yeah yeah she's definitely wanting kids and he's got to be he's 72 so that's not even ethical

right like you can't it's not ethical fifth grade your dad's 82 that's it hold back it doesn't hold some people back but it's not cool high school graduation oh my god your great-great-granddad came yeah but the second wife is always she always wants kids so you have to do it again look at Alec Baldwin he's on yeah he's 60 yeah he's got a new family yeah those kids won't know him very well who what about my second husband let's talk about it what is what what do you think what it would be because his second husband if you're the woman is second husband I'm just thinking about my new mom I can just imagine hold on case you

my dad though because he's such a savage like I think that's why he likes like foreign chicks because American women would be like go fuck yourself oh yeah no they would not you're right like I've heard him complain to his American girlfriend one time that he did have what he was like you know you working too much why don't you bring me a plate of salami or beer something I'm fucking hungry you know cook for me clean up the house and she was like what like American women had their heads explode when her dude says some crazy shit to them yeah but like via mom is probably like of course I'm with too much

so he found what did she say so relax sorry that you like more do they only do nails of yet means they don't do massage right I don't know that that's do you think he gets free many petties it's possible I don't know I don't know you want to fuck with my money so yeah he's probably he's probably having a good time yeah dude you could have I mean if your dad had an interest in them you could have had a via mom too like you could have been oh yeah oh yeah do you don't think he ever had some Vietnamese ladies during the war he said no and I did you know I mean it's like after he's like not I mean he's

convincingly said no and I what you know yeah he would he be the kind to just come out and say I'm not I mean he told me all about who he fucked on R&R one time yeah yeah like when they have like a break yeah we went to Australia God start with the hottest chick in the room the counter and then we just God we really joined ourselves so gross for a week and like all right well you were big tits oh my god full blush oh yeah that's what he likes he kept on me I was like cool man yeah you kept talking about she would get in the dog and I would so gross you're talking about how my new mom makes my dad like how cuz my

dad still is sexually active that's the thing it's like if he's 72 yeah here's the thing how that sweet Vietnamese lady it's not as easy as hey I'm ready to do it she's got to go to work right a to get that thing ready to perform yeah and to make it finish it doesn't work the same way at 72 as 16 right you know 16 you feel a breeze like okay yeah at 72 she's got to put him she's got put his legs back died I change his die-die yeah like the scrum oh you gotta spend 20 minutes there then he's like oh it's up now yeah it's not thinking about my dad's bonus oh yeah and then he just busts in her and on her and cuz here's the deal

man like what I think about it what he really wants is a housekeeper and a cook yeah and you could buy one of those but they kind of did well that's I'm saying like the but the the extra bonus is that he can bust nuts and his housekeeper like that's basically all this is like you you probably could have just found some nice lady local right who cook and clean for you maybe you buzz nuts in her too maybe this is real love and we're being rude about it you don't know she's like 10 years younger than me dude perfect you think you want to be with a 72 year old guy absolutely 30 something you're almost fucking

you're 30 close your eyes and go back to being 30 yep yep yep wasn't your perfect guy like 70 let me think about it nice 40 year aged arthritis mmm yeah skin all wrinkly and they're like oh just a few more years and I get to have it yep oh it's so crazy she's probably about her next marriage too oh yeah cuz definitely I mean that that's got to be the plan right she's thinking how long do I have to ride this out I mean how many more years really and then she still will be you know relatively young and you should reach out do you think our children need to know all this sure you think they want to be a part of

could you imagine having her over and acting like any of this is remotely normal because that's the next dad that is the reach out unfortunately if I were what if she came over and she was like can I marry your son oh Ellis or Julian promise like royalty turn 15 yeah she becomes the family suck puppet oh my god generational pig got me on that one I wasn't expecting that I can't even imagine the bullshit I'd have to go through like pretending that this is remotely okay I need to be fucked a lot man like hi what's your name like what's even what are their name like Vietnamese name twee I don't know we I don't

even know like what are real cuz they went to the linear salon they always go by like Judy word you know Tracy your name's not fucking Tracy a lot of a lot of people are lasting was Nguyen that's the Smith of Vietnam right I'll be like hey I think I think she could I mean you don't know if she could be lovely no I know it's she could be totally yeah but it's absurd like I just like nobody in my family's normal like not one not one the one that is normal moved away the one I liked and damn it and I'm stuck with all these fucking crazy people man I know we're gonna need to see that wedding video I gotta go to my

therapy I gotta go three times this week I gotta triple up yeah yeah I remember when we saw the therapy this week where's Dr. Drew saw that picture the pictures really what personally yeah I turn into a telescope when you see my dad's wedding photo yeah I did fucking crazy I got really cool I was some else guys yeah it's still spinning from that one there was it was really something so he's got the kimono on or whatever the fuck that shit is now one thing they're gonna call that shit with sneakers kimono yeah I'm like a fucking Vietnamese like wedding garb yeah kimono show them the fuck it's called and

then she's wearing it and he's wearing his white-ass sneakers to like look cool you are your good sneakers that's that's what happens to older people though they don't give a fuck yeah yeah it's always about foot comfort though that's all I am now I respect it those shoes don't don't feel good I respect it so out Oscars were a few weeks ago the only thing we took a peek at was who fucking Bradley Cooper and Lady Kaka made did a song together that's their their big hit song and they looked at each other yeah just like they were in the movie they've been performing the song a bit but and they look at each other with like I'm

gonna fuck you eyes right as they perform the song Bradley Cooper's baby mom is like in the front no disrespect and it's you know it's a performance but the way these two oh my god they really carrying on like it's they get intense man I know can I tell you something too I would rather go to my dad's wedding with my new Vietnamese mom then watch them sing this song together it's uncomfortable see this movie yeah this whole fucking nonsense movie of them singing and stuff I can't think of anything worse well they they really really alright in ten I know and I tried watching the clip and I realized the movie that I hate

slow songs I hate slow songs to know I would never watch it that's what I'm saying I would rather fucking go to Vietnam and go to my dad's wedding then watch the fucking movie it's so terrible the what's it called the that 90-day fiance yeah they do this thing where like whenever the couples do have like a loving moment they start playing like yeah I hate it I can feel you I hate that kind of music and then like a guitar strums and it's like this little montage of them yeah I hate that I hate it so and I didn't realize how much I hated it until I tried watching this clip that everybody was talking about

between Lady Gaga and Bradley it's Kaka and I couldn't even get through the music I'm like I hate the emotion yeah I hate the only song I ever liked that was slow was the Whitney Houston the greatest love of all yeah that was great well I like I like a lot of Whitney stuff my dignity yeah but because I don't like watching a lot of those kinds of performances no I don't like watching that and I don't like those songs I don't like yeah I don't like I'll leave a restaurant or a store yeah it starts playing music like that me to get the fuck out but the but going back to your point of them being very intensely

sexual yeah if that was me in the audience and you were Bradley Cooper mm-hmm I'd fucking go rip that bitch's necklace off really I fucking choker out with it rip that stupid bun off her head well that that's a perfect lead-in could it got me thinking about what about I mean we work in this business what about me doing a love scene no would you just not ever watch it I would never watch it I would never watch the movie I don't ever want to see you kissing somebody else or making pretend that's where we're different kisses and licks are you kidding me if you told if you had a love scene I would go in there with

lube and tissue and I'd be like let's see what's up and I would just get to Jack and right away God you are so nasty time and if you're like no it's a train scene or it's like six guys I'd be like even better I've just booked a small part in a movie I know congratulations yeah and shoots in a couple of months it's not romantic it's a very first of all I didn't know this but Hollywood sees me as a love man as a leading love man that's not sure they they see me and they're like this is who America wants to see making love to women on camera and so it's a very romantic part it's called I play this

guy I think it's Jake the hammer and he just he hammers girls okay what's the part for real can you say are you allowed to say I can say that I'm a tech guy yeah are you an asshole in it yeah yeah that's your type thank you that's why I married you you're a lovable a-hole yeah but there's a love scene no there's not there's a shower love scene stop it the tech guy doesn't ever get a yes he does in this one oh stop it yeah and but we don't know so would you really not watch it no I couldn't be able to I wouldn't be able to would you be able to watch me I would watch it because I know you'd be like don't

watch it babe cuz you'd be like do not watch it I'd be like I'm gonna go watch it do you feel would you feel anything you think what do you mean jealousy of what are you even listening to me yeah never listen I am listening if I was frenching Bradley Cooper in a movie and we were f-ing and stuff yeah you wouldn't feel any sort of way about it of course I would feel a certain way about it I'd be like oh she doesn't usually French me like that back man you got so much tongue huh and if you're like I know I know I put your legs behind your head oh stop well movie no move no woman wants to do that to

anybody you would do that to Bradley no not to Bradley Cooper I would do it to Ryan Gosling I would do it to I like Jake Gyllenhaal oh these are new new additions we're gonna book them really now we're not you happy now oh you fucking stupid woman dumb bitch stupid fucking bitch wait I like Jake John I like Ryan Gosling only to you I would put in I would do the dog and scrum Jesus Christ see I could see Gosling being like I don't I don't want to do yeah he'd be like I don't want to do that to you but I could see Gyllenhaal just be like eat it and then hold your head back there and you're like I can't

breathe he's like shut up and then I don't think so I think he's really sweet no no I think he's a really I don't think so I think he's a savage I think he would step on your neck put your head in the trash yeah and I gotta tell you I'm getting worked up thinking about it yeah but I'm not a super jealous type anyway you're not you're very mellow but I also feel like you know you you make me feel that way I make you feel yeah safe yeah yeah I try I'm not think I don't like to wind people up like that I think that's cruel to play games with people yeah I don't like that shit together like 15 years I know so you're

saying you're gonna stay married to me for at least 2019 I'm never letting you divorce we're never divorcing yeah I'm never gonna let you away I'm fucking some stupid sled around my kids away just you play you take your bangbust and you come back when you get this out of your system nope man no I'd be like guess what we're coming on the bangbust with you oh I bring the kids and the whole game hell yeah dude no way I'm coming to see on the road daddy yeah shrink that wiener oh my god right now there's just like these bowls with condoms in every corner of the bangbust stop to wherever you are you can please you're

killing me anyways guys I wanted to bring everybody's attention thank you everybody who tweeted out to Kelly deal of the breeders you guys are amazing and I have an update big YMH exclusive we've been DMing each other back and forth on Twitter and they currently the breeders don't have any dates for LA yet but hopefully when they do we hopefully we'll get them in so we're in communications right now so thank you guys for making that happen which is very exciting I've got a really awesome thing to play for you so you know Fart Simpson of course I know Fart Simpson DJ Skull vomit he wow this show

is always blows us away so a few weeks ago you know we introduced you to hard rock Nick badass good-looking rich guys right with his he's touched yeah he's got a lot going on special I like pink pussies okay okay so he he really opened our eyes to how cool he was definitely chairman of the cool guy club yeah founding member yeah founder and and member oh yeah so he yeah he blew us away the cool the coolest guy we've ever seen and Fart does these farts amazing prank calls well he did one with hard rock Nick oh you're kidding and it's really great oh my god I can't wait so without further ado here is the fart

Simpson prank phone call with hard rock Nick this is hard rock Nick yes no bit I'm hard rock Nick okay hard rock Nick how are you what's up I don't know you called me what's up you're tired of everybody else on TV and in the movies and on sports okay I'm here for you and I'm gonna run with you until we can't run anymore okay enlightening I'm the best-looking man on the planet no okay that's what's up I'm the real deal so you're calling me tell me you're the real deal I'm worth 350 million I'm a fucking millionaire 75 times over okay I've never been acting school that's okay I didn't ask to be a famous person okay

well so I got the baddest asshole in the game no I got a big dick wonderful you think that's fake absolutely a hundred percent I don't know who you are you're not anything to me bitch I'm a rich guy I'm gonna be good no matter what okay well I don't believe all this shit you'd be reading on the internet I don't think I can do anything for you there listen you fucking asshole piece of shit little dick insecure motherfucking cunt nice promise to keep it sexy sounds good you want me no I don't want you I promise to keep a gangster okay really well done it actually just sounds like a regular hard rock knit call it sounds like a

prank call at all I think he does just have calls like that right poor guy the answer is like what the fuck in a weird way it feels like he's handled like that before he's like what what like this pretty funny okay let me address that too because that's the more retarded shit I'm gonna get whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah man what's wrong no nothing oh we're good we're good we're good oh that was pretty funny genes that guy is really something special huh yeah he really is super special Jean you were in Oklahoma yeah I wasn't I've been pronouncing the town wrong forever it's Siloam Springs I've been saying Siloam

for like months Salome Salome yeah much of my day fantastic show I want to thank everybody that came out to the Cherokee Casino I mean people came from everywhere Fayetteville Bentonville surrounding areas wonderful but the actual town of Siloam is like they had a McDonald's they had a donut shop and then a grocery store that was it and they're like well this is the center of the city my driver yeah and everybody was really great except for one the guy that picked me up at the airport he was so R-worded babe so special how do I say touched duty showed up a half hour late okay and there's no traffic there's no

traffic so I call him when I noticed he's a little bit late and and I was like where are you dude and he's like well I'm about ten minutes away and I'm like cool just text me when you arrive he's and then click hang up 20 minutes go by and I'm like where is this guy and I call him and I'm like hey dude where are you at what's your ATA and he goes are you in the baggage climb I'm like yeah where are you he goes hold on I'm gonna come inside I'm like wait you're here and then he comes in and and he's like how are you doing how's your day and I'm like I goes great I woke up at 5 a.m. I flew across the country and then

I got to spend a half hour in this cool airport so I just want to thank you and he's like he goes way I can tell you're being sarcastic you got that he goes you're being sarcastic now and I was like yeah and I go bro is this how the show is gonna go I know I was kind of worried I'm like this is indicative of everybody and so we get in the car and I'm and I goes hey so I called I told you to text me like when you got here how long have you been sparked out here and he goes I've been here for about 10 minutes and I go I told you to call me and I go if I hadn't called you what would you have done and he goes I would

have kept waiting oh my god thanks man it was so weird and that yeah I was so like what dude so yeah that was the only weird thing so weird yeah that's kind of completely retarded yeah that was interesting everybody else super nice they do just do everything slower on that part of the country though you know sounds like it was a fun time I had to get myself a lot longer you know yeah cuz they just don't there's like LA we have a sense of urgency for shit same with New York but not these folks man you got you got to be on Oklahoma time yeah Arkansas time hey why don't we take a quick moment of break here and we'll be right back

and we are back with the stars of corporate on Comedy Central season two airs Tuesdays at 10 30 p.m Jake Weissman Matt Enga Bretzel Enga Bretzel Enga Bretzel this is I even wrote it down you know what you are racist for getting that wrong wow I hate the Nordic people it's it's German yeah dutch no no Nordic oh Nordic yeah Enga Bretzel yeah Viking oh can't you tell yeah it's gotta feel good to be that tall I saw it it does feel good and just to say it I'm Jewish so there's a Jew in the room and we'll talk about it as much as you want yeah how does this work no thank you how does there a working relationship it's kind of like an S&M relationship really yeah it's so masochistic it's fucked up like when you found out were you

like uh yeah of course yeah but I've learned this is he writes me off uh tax wise working with the Jew sure when you show biz that's massive you need a Jew in your corner trust me I know yeah I'm golden yeah yeah I feel bad but everyone wants me we work with a Lieberman you know yeah yeah congratulations that's tier one Jew stuff yeah yeah my name is Jacob Aaron Gladstone Weissmann I would have been hunted down in Germany the first day they would have been like well you're definitely dead yeah yeah we're not we're not even gonna make you a guard we're just gonna fucking kill you imagine you're so Jewish spreads his seed it'd be terrible I know um no so season two congratulations on that thank you um congratulations on the miracle of getting a show on the air

it's hard yeah right yeah I mean I just another friend of mine just got greenlit to uh make a feature and I was like hello it's amazing do that yeah everything I've ever heard just is like of course we don't get to make it yeah well no it's weird like so many people we know have made livings for 20 years by selling things that they know will never get made and it's like I'm just gonna write it in my room and I can write it from anywhere it's weird to make it clear that way you actually did it we did it I almost feel like it's this weird thing where because we got to make it so so early into our careers or like within like the first decade it's like we're never gonna get to do it again like it's just setting us up to be like no this is just your chance but are you

enjoying it are you having fun doing it it's right it's like them it's beyond a dream because you get to like write and direct and cast and produce it it's like why are you letting us do that like it doesn't really make any sense yeah it's like a giant playground that costs a ton of money and we're and we're responsible to make sure that money is used well have you done that thing yet where you go like what if we did this and then they go like that would be like 50 000 just for that shot yeah so actually yes we have yeah we have yeah we have what's what's interesting when you like write and make the show is like when you're writing a show you're like oh it'd be so funny if we like went to the desert and blah blah blah and then like cut to three months later we

got to go to the fucking desert that's like a weird compromise you find that a lot with like matt there's a lot in the show of matt just getting hit and so and we don't realize you're gonna have to get hit like 30 times if you write it in with all the different angles film it and you have to like it's gonna be or if you write that you're gonna be in your underwear like you're gonna be in your fucking underwear all day naked you don't think about it because you have to just do the funniest possible thing but it is kind of a thank god we have perfect bodies and look great now did you guys come from a sketch background yes like yeah well we we stand up it was a sketch because um we've been doing stand up for like a decade or whatever in LA and just trying to do as

much as possible and then we were simultaneously doing video sketch so it wasn't like live sketch it was like making short films which is like practice almost in LA right yeah it's honestly i recommend it's kind of what you almost have to do now like you guys i don't know if you make video sketches but you do a lot of stand up but i think most people coming out now pretty much have to do both like it's it's yeah what a comedian is is way different than it was 20 years ago i think and you have to kind of know how to write direct edit like cast act all that stuff just to get a chance to make your own thing you know so you can do stand up adam divine came from that school doing those youtube videos and then now look because it used to be like it used to almost

be like you did stand up so you could get a show and now it's almost like you make mini shows online so you can go tour stand up yeah and it's it's weird and it's it's just changing all the time so much work yeah well luckily you guys are doing great like you did it but this is kind of our sketch showing away right but you need this in order for people to come see you it's a totally different kind of thing feeds itself it's a weird it's weird being a comedian yeah it's very odd it's great but i but i like i like you guys saying this because somebody listening like i just worked with a fifth year comic and she was like my parents don't support me in my decision like first of all don't ever expect support from fucking they shouldn't they shouldn't support you it's a

stupid thing you're right you're probably not going to make it yeah and secondly i want you don't i was like you don't think at some point i was a five-year comic and i was sitting in your exact shoes and somebody watching you guys today they're like i could never make a tv show yeah you can't absolutely and you know what's funny is that there's there's this huge myth that things can't get made but you know networks need you more than you need them they need we go in a lot of meetings and they're like we need something good please just give us something good like we're just desk please just say the thing so we can say yes yeah and if you just i would say one of the most important things right now is learn how to edit learn how to just even shoot and edit and if

you and make things all the time and it takes a few years to get really good and you're so you're going to be so happy you learned how to do it do it before you're too old to be annoyed at doing it and then learn how to do it and make stuff you really never know what can happen that being said i do my stock advice for people who are like should i get into this it's like no because if they if i talk them out of it good then they've like have a shot at a normal life right but if they're like fuck you i'm gonna do it anyway then i've like inspired them yeah yeah and actually the only the people who go like no i am fucking doing it or should be the ones yeah that's exactly right so you should always say don't get into this yeah of course because the people always like i get hit up

they're like uh you know i gotta i got like a they're like i have like an hour of material and i'm like yeah it's like but i haven't done it yet and i'm like yeah okay and then like i just haven't you know what should i do now i'm like i don't know man like go do your hour yeah and and then you know though i mean the answer is always the same too is just like we'll just get on stage they're like where i'm like i don't know you figure it out yeah that's the thing it's people who are it's almost like it's very interesting it's like it really is the type of person that does it is not someone who asks too many questions yeah it's like maybe you ask a few questions because it is a little scary at first you like you get five questions and it's like go figure it out we all

figured it out no one really has any answers and actually almost because someone has done it a certain way it almost means you have to do it a different way yes you almost just have to go into a blackout for five years yeah um and then pop out and hope you've learned a few things sometimes i feel like like some of the things that feel like a long time ago i'll stop like shit that was like five years ago yeah i know it feels like it was i'm talking about like my teenage years or something yeah it's not that long ago right you were 12 five years ago you're 17 years old it feels like it's illegal for you to have two kids yeah i know you know i think it makes this personality that we all have to be in this business and persist even though you're told no constantly and on this thing

about not asking questions like i was a latchkey kid there was nobody to ask so like you just fucking figure it out right you have to be so resilient and self-sufficient you have to be a maniac and you gotta like just live in poverty live poor for so long a terrible you have a terrible life you have to be uncomfortable to want to fight your way out of it now what happens sometimes is some people then just do heroin instead that's true but if you don't do heroin you'll eventually make it up yeah so you were saying you're considering antidepressants what's going on well because i mean i feel like a large part of why i've been able to like make a living at least for the past four or five years finally as like a comedian is because i was so unhappy

like i just feel like i'm so unhappy and i think the world is so bad and i want so badly to have a good time so i'm miserable and i'm like well if i just go do five open mics tonight and then make a sketch to and don't sleep and drink coffee and i'm mad then eventually i can fight my way out but now i haven't fought my way out i'm just making a good living right now and i'm like oh i'm still unhappy the problem is me so i feel like i just but it's like i think there's a large part of if you're a comedian you you see things in a critical way a lot of times and i'm not just purely silly on stage or like purely silly what i'm saying so it's like i see things critically and um you sort of get trapped into thinking that well that's your income so you don't want to fuck with that you

know what i mean i want i want to look at things the same way so it's consistent but it's like but i'm but i'm not happy when it goes well like when it goes well i'm like well whatever it doesn't matter i trick them you know so i just i just want to enjoy stuff you're so messed up yeah you have the same thing yeah i'm super fucked up well it's because it's the disapproval because here's here's the deal man like you'll get even successful yeah you get you get your everything you wanted and then you still are a piece of shit on the inside you still feel it yeah yeah and you know you're a fraud so it's like yeah so you're just like oh it's so dark so i would love to i would love to just be able to eat food enjoy it and be like wow my night was made wow good food food

good delicious food is delicious someone said they love me and it was nice well the funny the funniest thing i've experienced which you guys have experienced i think another level of is like doing a show i've done a couple shows in front of like thousands of people and like that moment is so wild it's such a rush but then cut to one hour later i'm like i'm pissing in a toilet alone you know what was that you know yeah yeah it's a bizarre it is is that all there is that's the you know that song is that all there is i remember is that all there is my friends so let's keep dancing it's the idea like is that all there is you make it yes and you still feel fucking empty yeah your parents don't like you and yeah you know it's uh it's why you get into

therapy your parents like me have i told you that your parents are in love they just wish you were family would i'm great with parents but are you you can have mine they are terrible parents i love meeting my girlfriend's parents really why because i'm fucking charming you are charming and i'm a tall white solid-looking man it's like you have a good job yeah i'm like hi i'm a confident man nice to meet you yeah yeah you are you like dad material what do you do you like i'm on tv yeah oh wow wow okay yeah a really nice job with this one sweetie yeah yeah that'd be a big win are you are you in therapy though i don't want to i'm going back in yes okay guys we gotta get those meds too man i'm gonna get those meds because i feel like i've had enough

comedian friends who are like no you don't understand dude i feel pretty good right now and i'm like yeah i've seen it definitely change a couple for you yeah do it yeah be nice don't hesitate there's no reason i'm excited for the side effects whatever they're gonna be whether it's like i gain like a hundred pounds or i can't fuck anymore or i start sweating whenever the tv changes the channel whatever it is i'm excited for that i don't be able to write about it yeah exactly you you just transferred yeah season three hundred percent i actually have thought about that season three it's like maybe i'll go on anti-depressants then do an episode about that and it'll pay for itself there you go well a lot of people are on them so it's perfect yeah you should yeah but good

i i'm glad you're in therapy and right before they got here we were right before the guy we were talking about your your dad talking about oh my fuck so my dad i'll just tell you how we found the picture i was on i was on social media and a a relative posted a wedding picture of my dad in vietnam with his new wife and they're in like the full vietnamese regalia like the wedding regalia but he's still wearing white sneakers which is nice wait and this is how you found out no i knew i knew that they were engaged like a while back and i think they probably got married here but i think this is the foreign ceremony um she's also like 10 years younger than me so like i have a seven new mom you got a young mommy yeah you got a tiny little mommy a tiny little mommy yeah um so

yeah it's fucking my parents are garbage they're just crazy so irresponsible yeah my dad's been married and divorced three times and still has no idea that he's the problem you know what i mean like has no idea like yeah women are just annoying you know it's like i mean dude it's clearly you like it's like three times like and you're like yeah he um it's amazing isn't it he he was dating a woman who um who didn't want to sleep with him but he proposed to her so she would essentially be his nurse and it was like and it was like for her this would have been his fourth wife and she's like no what are you talking about i don't want to i don't want to fucking be your i'll just be your friend leave me alone yeah well that's i know i know what my dad's

doing it's i want you to cook and clean and be able to fuck you so it's like perfect you know yeah my cool yeah it kind of is a good arrangement can i tell you what's scary though my dad is 85 i have an old dad whoa yeah and i have two older sisters who are in their 60s what yeah it's crazy so i was the third marriage and i was the only boy so he he's though he tells me old old sperm yeah i'm old so imagine what i could have been yeah i could have been i could have been a serial killer you know what i mean i could have had that kind of energy i would have been happy but um just no empathy i would have been so happy he loves serial killers oh me too ear to ear yeah they're pretty cool no i don't know i am good chill he thinks ted bundy got a bad rap on this last

show i mean they you know what do you do wrong so he's really yeah he really is so good at it he's so good it really bumps me out though oh my fuck we're never gonna see anyone like that again because of forensics and dna now you don't never gonna put up bodies like maybe garth brooks but maybe garth brooks he's gonna put up wait what about garrick brooks i think garrick's got bodies he's crazy yeah really his chris gains alter ego it was just a murderer yeah just a fucking straight up murderer yeah like the dark hair it's like stop being moody like yeah fucking that country well here's how they're gonna do either you have to be a high profile celebrity like a garth brooks right or like r kelly he got away with shit for a long time yeah that was a weird one he just

wanted to bond after three days in jail you're like what you know what's weird you know what's weird about guys like that three days what i truly don't relate to with people like that is like he's been doing bad stuff for so long but he doesn't he doesn't seem to be stressed about who are are kelly yeah not at all but that's that's amazing because if i because right now what i'm actually thinking about is something i said to someone at a party two years ago you know what i mean and i'm stressed out about it i'm like oh fuck but he just is like no i'm just gonna do horrible things and i'm not gonna worry about it fine i'm gonna hope for a new space jam and write that soundtrack too and he and it's like wow how do you not stress about shit they caused me

same thing he'd come out of court doing impressions like hey he walked out of court doing uh he liked out of the court when he got convicted so it's not like so they're walk out of court you've been convicted you're gonna be sent and he goes like oh and they're like uh he's like and they're like doing the faces i feel like they're not good right now it's not a good look we need to figure out more specific punishments for these people because i agree jail prison's not a deterrent i think even when he was walking out he was like i'm not going i'm built cast i'm jail it's the it's our kelly tape of i'm famous i shouldn't have to repent for any crimes i should be but i still am so fixated on the fact that he has sold definitely over 30 million albums

and he definitely has toured for 25 years yeah so many hits thing i mean just like so much income generated and they're like post a hundred thousand dollar bond to get at jail he's like i don't have it i know i know living like that like just the just like being like i'll it'll get figured out is so stressful i'm so stressed like i just i just went over my taxes i just went over my taxes which are just fine not a ton of money and i was like i'm going to jail you know what i mean like i'm reporting it accurately but i'm gonna miss one thing and i'm gonna go to jail and he's just like no i'm gonna do horrible things for two decades i got women in a dungeon in my house in atlanta that's the other thing i don't relate to you those are those are right you can write those

off actually so that's actually good for you the other to break the sex slaves oh my god they're just so like they have so much energy to keep being bad you know he's not even tired and so much work he's like 15 he's not tired yeah that's exactly right that's how we feel about people that have these um pro click sexual proclivities that are very involved like people that are into pup play or like just jerk off and go to sleep yeah man yeah you gotta buy shit yeah meet other people exactly you gotta be there saturday at one like that yeah i know you have to buy a harness and a cage and all this what if i take antidepressants and all of a sudden i only can come while being fucked while wearing a diaper that's what i mean that's

what i'm worried about it's great i'm really worried one of my friends is happier than ever he's like but i have zero sensitivity yeah and he's like i cannot feel anything on my day like that's what i've heard stop yeah but i guess he doesn't care well are you are you very sexually active right now being depressed he fucks i fuck but i don't think i do it well anymore so i don't really care how it ends so what's the loss you know what i mean like you're already not it'll be bad for my girlfriend your sex is like a movie without a third act and like falls apart at the end really that's great so wait do you have trouble finishing though yes but that's also because actually i can this is kind of a fucked up story but i might as well talk about it better the real

reason i have fucked up uh i have trouble finishing what you already know about was and this is a bad story um but in college um this is real and i'm not saying women do this overall i'm just saying this happened to me oh i'm very sensitive about this i went to school in the south um and i was where i did uh in nashville tennessee i went to school vanderboom oh yeah and i look at the brain on smart jesus thank you jewish look at how big his head is well they let jews that are this level of intelligence um english major but anyway um i would date christian women for the first time because i was like that lively jew that they could you know it was like a college experience was dating a jew schixas right but it was a little dangerous uh i actually have a cat named schixa

um but anyway you were fucking goys i loved it i mean it was it was amazing i mean it really is like a jewish dream because it because and this is horrible but it just sort of feels like you're like they're going against christ to fuck you like that's such a compliment jesus was a jew they're risking yeah but i mean they don't think about that you know what i mean and it's um it just feels like they're making they're sinning to to and it's like a huge compliment but anyway i dated someone who was very like very christian and it was very interesting at first very opposites attract but then i i caught her cheating on me with a guy who wore a hemp necklace of the pope to his job at starbucks so she's so specific so while we were it was so specific and he thought

the world was gonna end it was crazy he was crazy but anyway you caught them i i accidentally saw an email that confirmed it but it was and she admitted to it but what was interesting was then we i like got i would like take valium and get blackout drunk because i was so it was the first time i've ever been cheated on it's a heart it's horrible and you're like oh the world is bad like that's bad um before you even understand sex is confusing whatever but at that point i was like my world was shattered and we we she then went off birth control snuck into my room woke me up we had sex one night which is essentially a version of assault hello but she also had gotten over control to try and get pregnant and then for several weeks um this is actually helpful for me i'm

sorry i'm sorry but for several weeks she was like i think i'm pregnant i think i'm pregnant should try to keep me oh my god and because she wanted to keep me and then if she wasn't pregnant and i never and so then but i have not been able to finish during sex since then of course since college except very few times in my life but it's been a nightmare so it is a little tragic and it's been about 15 years but at least i don't have any kids i don't want yet you gotta talk to by the way you gotta talk to josh potter yeah he works here uh comic hilarious dude and uh he can't finish it's hard man it's a lot of work but it sounds like yours is trauma related it is you're so traumatized um but that you can work out with a shrink hopefully i think i need to go

to one of those sex therapists like hell and hunt played you know where they like have sex with you and they're like now you have the covers like obviously your girlfriend would know this story right you told her this story oh i've told her and then she knows nothing does she try does she try then to be like i would never have sex with my girlfriend what are you crazy does she try though to be like let's let's try to make it happen many girlfriends have tried uh it's it's just a very frustrating thing because you're like you just you feel a little humiliated you know but it's not like well you also don't want your girlfriend to think it's her fault yeah yeah you do yeah let's ask josh potter here josh if you were hotter well it is a weird sort of thing where it's like it's

kind of yeah it's just confusing and i don't exactly know what to do like i don't even i don't even really know how to deal with it because it's like i've slept with so many people like it like because also when you go through sexual trauma you can go different ways you could either never have sex or you could have sex with everyone right and and disassociate any feelings from it so i've kind of gotten that path in my life i mean i've also had girlfriends but like just lost my mind with it but it doesn't really it's all just to avoid feelings so i have it's really fascinating i have the opposite problem my dick is always rock hard and i can't stop coming yeah i'm coming right now i got a diaper on one of our employees you know what josh potter is a problem that's what

i just said i know what we're gonna does he want to chime in on any of this does he want to show us his dick i mean i'd love to see it josh josh josh you think you could uh maybe josh relate to what's going on here man josh is bleeding on the floor what's up my dick don't work here oh man i mean it doesn't feel good though to hear a uh you know like you have a comrad yeah and you nailed it too like how you can either just fuck nothing for a while and that's no good or you can just fuck everything and then that's pretty cool but it's like it's not though it's not you're right it's you become dead behind the well it's just not it's just a bet it's like what am i do you end up in just so many places where you're like why am i here like this is

dangerous yeah i shouldn't be in this i think we may have done something pretty unhealthy let's say over josh no no no no don't say that out there who's like i dare you to make josh come and uh and there there's some women responding you know what that's a limited series Netflix you could sell right now i dare you to make josh come we are uh we're constantly adding cities to the make josh come tour of 2020 hopefully so i mean i wonder if there's anything i mean you guys obviously should be in a support group together but i wonder if there's any um like anything that they could uh you know may i ask a question that maybe you relate please uh when you are in the act of sex do you ever just find yourself don't call it the act of sex just figure out your problem

i guess that's true but do you ever just are you ever just not even there you know what i mean like dissociating well yeah i mean of course because part of the problem is if you're so worried about coming because you're afraid what it'll lead to because it's not just the leading to a baby you know even if the person's on birth control it's a little irrational you know what i mean like even if like having iud it's still a little irrational it's the loss of control so i feel like you can't really get lost in sex because you're just worried about what might happen so you can't you're not really feeling like the fact that you're in a magnificent vagina like it's an amazing someone let you do this this is the best this is the best thing life can really afford

you so it is and so and so it's a little shame because you can't relax because you're worried something bad's gonna happen this is fascinating it's it's complicated it's really it's a shame it is a shame well especially so josh having listened to this do you think that maybe your problem might be trauma related like can you think back to an incident where i can't think of one that would be a trauma instance but i do know what you're saying like and then there's also like say it's not a magnificent vagina and you get in there it's a very ordinary i my point was that they're all run of the mill i mean that's very nice of you to say but sometimes you get in one where you're like this is not magnificent and then you know right away you're like well this

isn't gonna happen and then it's just like a whole to do trying to get out of it i guess we saving face we've been through around the idea with josh that he's like he's like maybe it would happen and again this could be very callous and not accurate maybe he would be able to if it was like a total 10 like a smoke show right well it won't hurt to try as all i said it you know why not i mean we might as well what do you guys think this i do think it is helpful to talk about this because i'll bet way more med experiences i think i know that it's terrifying to talk ever since i uh josh told me about it i've met at least a handful in fact i would ask people to maybe respond on twitter to talk about your sort of lack of coming and maybe

will reduce the shame for the men going through oh i've got anybody's great idea coming constantly i'd like to hear about those stories too i've gotten many a dm and email from people by the way and i'm sure you've heard these advices too where they say like it's the way you're jerking off or don't jerk off or don't look at porn these things don't work right you've experienced no i would say that times when i've because obviously porn is very attractive because it's like you come it's like the simulation of sex but you're not having it but you still come and it feels better when you're watching porn a lot of the time but it's not that's only helped a little bit sometimes just in terms of sensitivity but it's it's not the it's something else and people

don't get it people have been messaging in here's one i don't know it's for josh but maybe jay can somebody wrote in i think i have a solution to josh's uh come conundrum it's well documented that only josh can make josh come my solution simply put a mask of josh on hot white trash comes out which happens to be with his cock won't be able to tell the difference i believe that tricking josh's penis into believing that josh is the only one involved will allow for that big release we're all anxiously waiting for next time i think josh's penis is too smart for that i don't know maybe it isn't well i think that's a great way for everyone to come frankly i don't think josh mask that's how you have to prove you love yourself i think it's a pretty good idea should

we start selling the josh mask the josh come mask yeah that's a great act make the loved one come in your life who's terrifying oh my god she's strutized yeah all right um well this is thank you for your insight yeah yeah thank you very much that that is fascinating that we have another guest yes i i just never heard of this problem and now it seems to be that we're meeting it is coming up a lot it's great it's i find that luckily uh any problem you have there's a forum for it you know like so it's like you're not like every time i feel like a fucking weirdo it's like if i just tweet it out they're like oh no i've been through that you know so that's good or also terrible because everyone's in pain but at least you're not alone no you're not i do feel

lucky to have grown up uh like pornography was not what it was when i was a kid or i did that access to like my god and i'm access is the big problem yeah i feel lucky you have kids are they yeah what uh they're both under three or four so you have to watch porn already yeah i'm giving a mic like passwords and stuff and he's like oh i save it in my phone dad but i do feel like it would have ruined me or i there's i feel like it's having mass effects on of course your expectations are just so well that and it's overstimulating to actually see intercourse when you're too young you should not be seeing that shit you need to start slow it's got to be like a victoria secret catalog like oh what's under there when my dad would give me like one like a

few times a year he'd be like here's here's like a playboy or something like that it was like that's a whoa and i would like keep it like in a in like this briefcase at the top of my closet and like and it was a joy so that every time i had to get it i had to climb and like get it and it was the best it was like it really meant a lot and those pictures of like sable the wwe you know like like lady i was like oh my god this is my late like it was meant so much and then you had to actually actively fantasize yes you would look at just a still photo yeah have it take you somewhere but now it's like i used to how many hundreds of thousands of videos well that and like what am i looking for and it's like gaping but holes and how many fifty guys coming in one woman's face

i love that but yeah is that your favorite favorite the word if it's 49 it's not enough but it's so violent here i used to i don't like gaping print jpegs off of playboy.com that's awesome i once did it i the first time i tried it i went to playboy.com we had a family family computer oh my god oh my god and so like by and by the way in early internet to like i was i like prayed off of the fact that my mom didn't know what the internet was anything so i could delete the search history and she'd be like weird all the internets are or all the websites are gone now i'd be like i don't know it's the mystery of the internet all these computers on yeah but one time i went to playboy.com found the perfect image and hit print and it just didn't print and

i was like oh well and then i just walked away and then a few hours later my mom showed up like shaking it with this image that it had been put in like the printer like q or something yeah of course was it like leg spread but no it doesn't have beaver right over the shoulder i have scoliosis and i'm sexy but playboy doesn't show full vagine right no they always covered snatch oh okay i think we do like a lot of like bush shots tasteful yeah tasteful bushes like then penthouse and hustler that was nasty this is up that's nasty as hell fingers inside really sometimes they have slurry yeah no and sometimes they have like they have you like squirting at the camera like it was cray like it goes would be like it'd be like mid pee or like mid squirt it was

just like whoa what are we doing the hustler girls were like you ready to grow up some grown-up stuff yeah i'm the best babysitter ever did they have the the centerfold and then did she give her likes and dislikes in penthouse or hustler it was like likes everything yeah whatever you like yeah it was definitely like i dream about sex all day that was their thing you sure i was gonna put that that was the fantasy that the man wanted you know i'm insatiable of course i'm just a come dog i love it where it's like everyone or like the truth of adulthood is like you have a headache you know what i mean like even if you're like the headache in your stomach hurts because you ate too much lactose yeah it's like no one is like in tacos man insatiable imagine being

insatiable how annoying that person would be so annoying i need to fuck more especially if you're trying to have a family like the kids and stuff they're like we gotta feed these kids i gotta fuck you know he's insatiable um yeah so i wanted to show you something oh christ i love a visual yes so we have this uh game we like to call horrible or hilarious mm-hmm and we just show you clips and you tell us your honest take all right is this is it hilarious is it horrible great all right here we go clip one gentleman is leaving his house all right heading out well okay well these two are mentally disturbed you can see already well i mean this is classic this is what is funny this is funny this is what funny is thank you but the problem and this is one

of the issues with humor unless you just died did we just watch yeah he did he's not getting up you guys but here's the thing he let us laugh before he died and i think that's really the thing no he's he didn't get up well he could have broken his neck he's paralyzed he's paralyzed he didn't hit his head he did not hit his head so that's good jakes got back problems he left yeah okay you know what i love he's that guy that we talked about a couple weeks ago it's snowing and he's wearing shorts there's always that i fucking hate this guy there's always those east coast east coast assholes this is what's what's crazy about this is as like as comedians you're trying to like write interesting things nothing will be funnier than someone is always funnier farting i work so hard

at comedy and like this will always it's always funnier come up and then this and by the way that's exactly what's what we see when you know when you have kids especially in cartoons just people fucking you know animal characters falling absolutely yeah bugs money we have another one let's see what you think oh fuck speaking of hybrow we have a fart mic in case you guys have to fart yeah great all right here we go ready jean you haven't seen this one yet either no all right here we go oh fuck i know where it's going oh jesus one tree is coming down now oh my god i'm so dizzy that's actually fun oh

it's got the wind knocked on you the sounds are great that one started funny got not funny to me yeah and then got funny again we hear it again yeah yeah blue band can we hear it again the whole that's what it reminds me of reminds me this i feel like this is a thing that i went through that everyone threw is when there's the community pool and there's the high board yeah and you you like go up there everyone's watching it feels like the whole town is watching terror and then when you belly flop or just miss it by a second the pain of that and everyone hears it and it's just so that's what this reminds me of here we go i like his sound oh my god here he comes swing

he already has earbuds in yeah they stayed in it's also weird because that that's sort of contraption where was it supposed to go it's just weird that is the first thing we just say was i'm so dizzy i know that's the weird thing i'm so dizzy oh not oh fuck fuck fuck jesus christ i'm so dizzy i'm so dizzy when i was in high school i my girlfriend was a dancer and not to brag you know it's gonna say it's pretty fit but uh one day one day after school i was in the dance hall and i was like trying to dance move that they were doing where you like jumped up on one foot spun around and landed on the same foot and the first time i tried it i broke my ankle and it was one of the most

like i the hardest i've tried not to cry and like tears streamed i had to run out of the fucking dance hall with the broken ankle holy shit don't you think oh did that come off oh we have a technical problem wow you're strong wow we have a mic off yeah no no this is good i think here's josh potter but you feel like that oh my god he's coming oh you just come when you fix something you just need to do woodwork while you're inside someone i feel like that guy's sound yeah as he hit that ground it sounds a lot like oh fuck it oh nope what's up oh you don't want to know oh we can't play it uh blue band is telling us to oh really okay you're gonna get flagged what about this way

yeah you don't want to play it gary's gotten us in a lot of trouble guys we got a lot of trouble all right we're fixed now yeah that is weird that thing just came off what do you what do you mean trouble who do you who who do you get oh don't even oh yeah 2.3 million dollars trouble yeah oh uh sponsors sponsors get upset oh and we play certain clips oh we had mcdonald's sponsor this show we painted the set mcdonald's colors per their request per their request part of the deal and we played that clip of terry and they played the video the video and we analyzed it he puts a butt plug in and yeah and anyway they dropped their sponsorship mcdonald's didn't like that no and we did it on the first episode of their sponsorship oh and you lost 2.3 million

yeah which was like the campaign yeah oh yeah i'm so sorry it's okay then we got a stakehouse to sponsor us and then they fired us because of that clip yeah and you just want that clip so bad like i keep going back to it now he's like maybe not yeah well time you have such an artistic integrity you want i'm not gonna let somebody talk about what i believe yeah yeah yeah i believe wow uncle terry uncle terry and his butt plug reviews wow you really he really tickled your fancy he fell in love with that guy he really did i know it cost us everything all right your lamborghini yeah yeah yeah he was gonna get lamborghini i don't know would you guys get one no no i drove super it's gonna come off again yeah i think i got it oh let me let me hold it oh no it came off

again yeah i feel like something that allows me no matter what if i'm able to achieve success i would like to always drive a Subaru so people like wow look how grounded he is you know what i mean would you really do that i love it's a good ride but like even is that endless endless money you would just be like nope sticking to it it's just a good ride i guess i have it when i think about endless money it's kind of hard to you know who did that you know who did that like exactly what you're saying is tosh really does he does he drive like just super rule doesn't zack alphanakis drive like a prius oh yeah he drives like an old ass one what do you guys drive because you guys are killing it jeep i like a jeep cherokee i just don't have much of a neat like i don't i feel like i

would look terrible in any car that people would be like that's a good car i'm the same way i'd be like look there's a fucking jewish producer no that's in your head okay and the experience is it's too fun it feels great of course it but maybe you're not a car guy it doesn't that's very that's what it's fine what do you guys like spend i mean you have kids now but like what are some dumb shit you spend money on that you have a decent amount of money like what do you oh let's talk about it this guy wants a gold chain oh yeah i'm turning 40 in a couple we'll say kane well it could say that yeah or yeah or um i feel like i thought i told her i was i'm turning 40 we should celebrate all i'm asking you for is get me a chain with a medallion lots of diamonds so dumb and then

there's no resell value in jewel who wants to sell it maybe what do you what do you want that shit someone's gonna fucking jack it where here yeah brother not who jock to fucking what's his name when he was in yes why he got the grill that's true danny brown was a rapper oh really yeah he was here a few weeks ago he was like don't do it like what are you talking about oh because it was like nah he's like i've made a lot of dumb purchases and he said he brought like he bought a cape like three thousand dollars and uh like it when it was like couture you know so he spent all his money on that but i feel like it's fun to buy a couple dumb things right yeah yeah no nothing did you spend your money on anything stupid nothing really i don't even know what i i think i'm still afraid

it's not going to continue yeah so i'm afraid you know what i mean but i feel like i'd love to spend something i'd love to buy something fucking dumb but yeah i get like poke bowls well that's okay bowls yeah it's just like tuna oh yeah those are really good yeah i'm buddies with a j hawk who played in the nfl for 10 seasons yeah i'm like yo like tell me like what do you spend what is what's some like you know not necessary expenses like shit you bought he was like oh like i'll i'll just buy like mulch for my yard he's like i invested intelligently and then he goes one one summer we ran at a house on this lake i'm like yeah he's like so that's one are you serious 10 nfl seasons he was like yeah he's like i'll just order shit on amazon whatever i want yeah of course it

is yeah it's like tell me something reckless and stupid i don't but i agree with a j the thrill for me is going to you know trade those joe and just buying what i want it is i think i think that is what success is is if you get the bill at dinner not even looking at what it like just be like here you go here's the card i think that's what success is it's just literally like here you go i don't have to worry about it's not thinking about money yeah i'm saying to make crazy purchases but it is fun for stories like i love your story you could spin you could spin a chain into gold like you could like you could like make it a thing you can put it on your next special yeah there you go you would probably make money off that's how you justify it yeah so maybe what i should do is write it

off tell production that i need this yeah that's the way to it don't pay for it or have someone donate a listener write a bit about it go fund me there you go fund me for you know how much hatred i would get i know they're like wait a minute you're having us buy one yeah man yeah i just want a forty thousand dollar chain that's your problem yeah is that what it would cost is that what you're thinking that's what he wants damn this crazy what's in that they cost 40 just a bunch of diamonds yeah so dumb yeah i hate spending money on jewelry i think it's the worst anyways sneakers like really high-end oh and uh barts got on that there's that uh documentary broke it's called oh the 30 for 30 yeah the 30 for 30 he was like i bought a wolf coat that was one of

the most depressing things i've ever seen in my life it's just about how like a wolf overwhelmingly almost all nfl players and a lot of other like are broke within five years of being but the worst part was like how they were saying in that documentary they're saying like on payday because like i guess nfl checks at least 20 now it's probably all direct deposit right but it used to be like checks and players were saying they would go into the player parking lot and family and friends would be waiting in the player parking lot like it was like everybody's payday damn yeah that's fucked up yeah i mostly just don't want to think about money that's the way that's like that's the place i want to be at is where like yeah i walk into trader joes and it's like yeah

i don't have to worry i'll get the chocolate cupboard pretzels i don't think you're gonna get those yeah dude i like those uh whatever those wafer crackers the chocolate one so i won't this is i think i don't know it's embarrassing but it's kind of true we're like i've gone into trader joes and been like i want to get like good wine and just just so we're to the trash can no just saw that like all the prices are so cheap and i'm like do you have anything more expensive and and then but like i don't know what i'm talking about with wine right like i'm just trying to buy a more expensive one yeah and they're like well this is a great deal i'm like i don't want a great deal yeah do you have anything like thirty dollars but everything's like four ninety nine that's so

true and i don't know i feel like it i'm lucky with wine because i don't know what the fuck yeah yeah so it doesn't whether it's two hundred dollars or nothing do you guys read that there's this book about this guy i think there's a document called sour grapes where this guy conned the like high-end wine industry because it turns out none of them know what they're talking about i assume you like frauds yeah yeah yeah great it's such a good this is a a movie there's a documentary about there's a book the the documentary is called sour grapes and he basically like learned how to fake labels from like bordeaux you know what i mean and was like and selling it to the richest motherfuckers in the country and like he could go to like trader joes and combine cheap wines to

taste expensive because he had a good palette and the fbi fucking got him and he was yeah he'd sell him for like tens of thousands of dollars yeah and it's like four dollar one and he got away with it for years he like conned like all these rich white men i just saw one on 60 minutes which is not a con that's like the the spin on it where there's this guy who was in michigan and he went into a liquor store to end uh he had just retired and found the uh a lottery game i forget what it's called like windfall or something like that and it was just like a a math equation that he did in his head it was like if you get all five numbers you win but if you get four of the five you still get some amount and if you get three of the right lesser amount

and he said like in a minute he was like oh so i could definitely win money every time if i buy enough of these interesting and so then he just started doing that and it just grew and grew and grew and grew and so eventually he won a total of like 26 million what doing this and like then getting like a pull up by getting friends to wow then michigan shut it down they're just like we're done doing this game and then pennsylvania was like we can do it here so then he just started driving out there to play it and then eventually you know fbi starts going like hey this one guy has won this game like 150 times so they launched an investigation they're like yeah he just solved the math equation like so there was no i wish i would stumble on some shit right oh my god and

like it makes me i was like he just he just kept just he was like and then he goes in the area he's like i just can't believe nobody else can do this kind of math i thought everyone was a math genius yeah he's like it's a simple equation yeah it does feel yeah you do have to work really hard i mean comedy you don't have to yeah no you have to work really hard you have to work really hard it's like a great way to make a living but i would love to just win the lottery i would love to not be funny and then have a low pressure yeah yeah like you just go like oh i mean i do it but yeah all my bills yeah it doesn't matter yeah my lottery covers my bills yeah yeah it's in your pocket dad my pocket i keep a dildo in my pocket yeah yeah what's it for

um oh it's his chair squeaking it's squeaking your chair squeaks when you move that's the sound it's not like a keys jingling or something okay do you guys know call each other dad and mom mommy mommy and mommy not dad well not not daddy yeah sometimes with the kids around mommy and father we call each other mommy that's our thing on the show mommies yeah you guys are you gonna have kids what's going on i don't know i don't know uh it feels like one of those things where like i'm like i don't know and then cut to five years i'm like desperately trying to have a kid yeah i don't know i just feel like my kid will be fucking crazy so i don't know if that's exciting i mean i the thing is you have with with comedians like most comedians i know like they're getting to the age

where they're like gonna are having kids or and it's like some of these people the way that i know them it's crazy to me they're reproducing like it's like really scary you know yeah but it's like but it almost just feels inevitable for everyone so i feel like saying i'm not gonna do it is dumb but i don't want one because i'm selfish oh okay well if you know that don't do it it's good to know but i mean but i don't were you selfish were you not selfish before like i know you're selfish before yeah yeah you are i don't know i just i i think because i like grew up in a house where it was such a priority i guess family i always thought it was just like automated right i mean like the only thing that kept me from like really actively pushing for kids a while ago

your phone is dictating the text the only thing that kept me from doing it earlier was just that i was like broke uh-huh or pushing so well that and i didn't want to do it because yeah but i would have found another one right but when you guys met you were like one of the first you talked about it like you both want kids no actually when we got married i was terrified of it and it was something i thought i possibly could do but i was like i'm scared my family's crazy i don't know if i could do this and then i got into therapy for a long time and then yeah through therapy i you know figured it out no i love it it's the best thing ever yeah now i'm really into family stuff but i never thought i would be it's true she was like like when i was like we were about to get married

i was like you want to have kids right she was like when i was like i don't know she was like are you out of your fucking mind we were so broke when we got married and so i mean we were we were living in the rampart division like in mccarthar park yeah yeah that's bad yeah it was pretty bad and she was like you want to have a kid here and were you like were you guys like featuring on the road and she like that's great and that's like no you're losing money basically yeah and then i remember like right right after we got married like the week after i got a call that i booked like 12 headline weeks at the improv's and it was such bottom barrel pay yeah that i did like all those they were almost all in a row and then immediately had to go get a job yep that's like a headlining

improv yeah it's it really make you want it yeah that's do you feel one one other concern about having kids um all the like you have to like go to the kids schools and like talk to the parents and like engage in more bullshit like that is my nightmare is you have to be like yeah your kids cool too come over play date like yeah pta oh my god fundraiser shit yeah and you kind of can't be fully human it feels like well that's my concern now our children are not school aged yet we have one kid in like a preschool thing and i dread it i'm i do the bare minimum every time i come in they're like do you want to sign up for the family i don't want to sign up for shit don't i'm not that mom i'm not going to bring fucking homemade cupcakes like what's the

bare minimum for my son to participate i remember i went to pick him up like a week ago and they're like so you're coming saturday and i was like to what and they're like uh the big like they're doing the dance i was like the dance like they're like yeah he's been rehearsing i was like he's three doesn't mention shit and then they're like well do you want to are you gonna go and i was like i don't think so and she was like they're all like they've been rehearsing and i was like yeah my wife's out of town so i can't really do it yeah you also have a few more years before not going to things has an effect on them you know what i mean you can not go to things right now but when he gets to they're playing like soccer or they're playing the flute or something if you don't go it's like

my dad doesn't like that's my night i know that's the problem i played drums and percussion in uh in grade school not to turn everyone on immediately i know that everyone just got any droppers but that's the other hell is like what if they start playing an instrument and you have to listen to them suck at an instrument you have to get it out or something yeah yeah drums drum piano instrument tuba that's just in the background now i don't i don't dread the sound so much as i do a team sport like what you're talking about like it's the it's it's hot as shit outside in l.a. and i got to be outside i'm mom that's gotta bring every one you have to go to every hour one every week you don't like i remember my i don't like any sports i like tennis no i like for me i was

like always like i'm so excited about sports and i remember one of my friends this is like 10 years ago it's a way before i had kids i was like oh you're having a son man are you excited about sports he was like yeah i can't wait to get him into baseball and i go what if he doesn't like baseball he's like uh like what i'm like what is he like soccer he goes i won't go to the games but i'll support him i was like you won't go to the games he's like i don't like soccer i'm like what is your kid and then now i'm like oh yeah i'm not really into baseball so yeah i guess you'll still go i just hope you like something violent you know oh they will they're our children just start just start putting football on all the time and it'll just be a part of it he's already doing

you're brainwashing them and put the posters up in the fucking room and yeah does it feel that way you're like we're brainwashing our kids totally yeah and you're just choosing because you're just exposing them to things absolutely will he'll mention football i'm like that's because of i trick do you do you work like how do you feel in terms of like them having certain like political opinions or religious opinions like are you like you can't do that are you like are you gonna be like do whatever you want you're like okay i also feel like you know the older you get even with without kids but with kids i think you you start to see you know young people really passionate about something that in your mind you're like they don't have to fuck yeah of

course and i think the older you get the less it stresses you out so i'll be like oh that is interesting yeah yeah we're gonna go march that's good yeah okay yeah yeah i think i'll totally be like gotcha but i like that sort of antisocial free thinking i i try to cultivate that more than anything there's a little anti-authority a little like yeah they don't know everything don't listen to these fucking idiots right but then they're gonna turn that on you it's fine it's okay i expect that i welcome it yeah yeah good that is i've always wondered that because as a parent like once they get 12 13 they're gonna not like you anymore i know but luckily you guys are pretty like you have cooler jobs the right maybe they won't be cool to them but like you don't care now they won't

care yeah they don't care they've been like dad i watched your comedy it's not that funny oh you're gonna hear that yeah and i've everyone i talked to with kids that are older now like teenage kids 100% they're just like you're lame to their to their dad yeah and they're like you know who's funny and they'll always mention someone who they're like kevin hart or something they'll just say someone super famous or someone who's like totally different right yeah right right uh before you guys go though i wanted to show you a couple more hilarious clips and just get your your reaction see if you think it's funny or not what the hell what is happening this one's already i think he's fishing right yeah yeah they look like they're in the amazon or something

see i'm calling fake on this one i'm calling fake too i think that that was planned well because nobody runs to help him fast enough well he's he's helping him yeah oh it does it does look painful you see i felt planned but it's a pretty good acting job i feel like you know we gotta get get him on the show he really sold he really sold yeah well i mean don't these guys know that you're gonna get your dick pinched eventually doing this for generations that they have like a dick cover you know i mean you're fishing in the amazon they should they're tribal you think the elders would be like but one thing to remember is your dick i mean that is hilarious but it is it is hard to look at something happening to dick or balls

without feeling like i'm covering myself right now like i'm like literally want to start covering myself so maybe you need to see guys coming more though i do i mean i i have seen a lot of coming in my life it's usually on a face but it's uh yeah okay let's see is there another one is there another one yeah okay oh my god dick pinch dick what do you think pinched his dick was that like a yeah it's like a crab it looked like it was crabs yeah oh here we go here's this one it's a dirty tampon she pulled a dirty tampon out of her oh that can't be real either because i'd shake i think that's a week off yeah i think that's a while that that was amazing i just gave you what three or four good season three ideas that was

that was that was amazing we'll venmo you for the we'll venmo you i would hope so that was like what what was that yeah what where was that taking place i like do you want to taste the tuna i mean you could that's that was in a good amazing line yeah great line you know what i love that i don't even know if that was horrible or hilarious that was just that was really impressive it was really it just made me think differently about the world well i'm impressed that she could take a tampon out in front of everybody it might have been it might have been like plan i think so i think so i feel like that was inside her body when you take a tampon out you have to be a little more slower a little more deliberate trust me i know yeah you know what i mean it's not that quick of an endeavor

i don't know i personally don't rip them out that fast oh i do have like vivid visceral memories of the times i've been hitting the balls in my life though it really sticks with you it like gets in your neural path when i was 11 played soccer yeah i remember a kid uh did a prank or like his setup i was in a you know like the community pool you know like at a public pool and this guy this kid we're both like probably eight or nine uh standing in kind of the shallow end and he goes what's that like what's on your arm and i was like what and as he grabbed my arms and he need me in and i just collapsed crying the nausea that comes with that is always surprising i was once on a school ride home from a band thing again not to brag but i played percussion okay and i was i was

sleeping like this and i was i woke up to a guy who came up to me and like just from the back with the with like a mallet and in the back of the balls there was like a yeah a time during high school where it was funny to play the game ball tap yeah and it's like that's not a funny game yeah yeah and the best guys that had the loose written i'm like not funny yeah like a towel of a hand like it's make it snap i think the thing you got to do when you get your nuts tapped like that is really overreact i think you need to hear what's like this dude's you need to carry a gun that's what guns are for i only want guns for ball taps ball taps not cool i was never cool with the ball tap at all i can see you getting furious you get mad when the kid accidentally kicks your

nuts that's a that's real by the way they don't stop oh i bet it makes you see white you're just like oh fuck yeah and you you know you can only hit them so hard no of course with your with your balls yeah you guys have any live dates coming up you want to plug and if you want to check out i run a show in los angeles called good heroin you did the first anniversary of it at the echo yes and uh it's every saturday at stories books and cafe in my buddy jeff tay just did it yeah yeah he was just on it's really fucking fun and it's a good show yeah follow us on instagram and twitter watch corporate please watch corporate i think you guys will like it he watched it they gave a screen or yeah season two uh tuesdays at 10 30 p.m yeah we got we got the full links to all the shows oh

shit watch as much as we want you know um when i liked about your show is that it really captures the the horrible suck uh of corporate life like mine yeah it's so great we're so lucky we don't have to we only have to sell out to them we don't have to work at those offices you know it's so great yeah yeah congratulations on it thank you guys thank you guys again for coming thanks for having us yes thank you lion each will be right back and we are back with a guy who just like a jamaican has 11 jobs he he does it all he also has a standing tuesday appointment for a haircut it's just like the gaze he's with us now it's our good friend brennan shop hey buddy thanks for having me on wait what's about this haircut would i get my haircut well i did i'm growing out now because

bradley cooper inspired me and stars born i'm like look at his hair i'm growing my shit out hair was fresh god he's sexy so i'm like i'm gonna grow mine out we're just talking about today whether she would do like eat his bum and not bradley cooper i would but she would eat his bum she said ryan gosselin ryan gosselin or love ryan gosselin yeah i like jake he's talented yeah you don't think jake and gosselin aren't talented what well no i'm sorry not talented they're not they're super talented correction they're not very manly yeah like bradley cooper's man but i have manly at home so when i eat out i want to eat oh you know i'm saying like you want to twink you want to twink on the side yeah i want a different flavor i hear like tom is manly all man dude so

what if i want to eat butthole i want to eat like a hairless clean yeah or if you want to go super different you just go black guy yeah now we're talking and you go black girl oh yeah i've done it so yeah oh yeah we went to my first laker game and i had a dream that night that tom had a big black dong i had to put a bib around her neck she was just like salving yeah cool like a full record she loved it and she was like can we go to more laker games i was like you've never talked about love it basketball she's like but these guys are so good at basketball so good at basketball i want to sit in the i want to sit in the jack nicholson seat so their dongs can swing as they run past me and i can really see the dick what am i what am i dealing with here i want to get my

face smacked by a dong that'll do it you sit cage or some court size you're getting some dick in your face i gotta tell you i'm i'm fixated on them too hey can i ask you something not everyone is right as an athlete brennan how come their dicks don't swing more as they're running they're wearing compression shorts compression shorts now but that must make it pretty sweaty down there gets pretty grimy down there i bet there's some stinky little sheafage after a game i bet the whole shaft is tore up yeah tore up that ass cracks go tore up imagine eating that post game but no no shower no i would not but you could just stand yeah dude those guys fuck so much it's all they do and then more than anyone else yeah nba guys

they they fucking everybody first of all why first of all let's all right it's it's a great question so here we go here we go yeah you're you're a gifted physical specimen sure and in most and in in reality these guys are just larger human beings than like 99.99999 percent of like right you know an average size basketball prefer is like six seven he's a fucking giant cute some of these dudes six ten seven one huge dongs 260 to 300 black yeah there's not and here's the thing you're paid out of your mind guaranteed money yeah you're a piece of shit that rides the bench you get like nine million a year at least you know and then the ballers are so out of control ball and they're making like you know 40 million guaranteed a year

just playing and another 40 like these guys make a hundred here's the other thing where everyone's to suck them off everyone wants to suck them off because they're one of the only sports too where there's no helmet protective right there's nothing the and there's only 11 of them per team and that's right helmets on there's 53 of them no that's the thing the culture of the nba is dope it's run the culture is actually it's it's it's dictated by the players that's the union it's right the player juniors very strong and the culture is like it's us we're the best basketball players we're the best 400 basketball players in the world right and we put on a show and they fucked and they fuck they update how about tristan tomsen he's fucking

everybody everything yeah best friends sisters moms he's a good looking dude and then whenever somebody yeah when someone's like what are you doing he's like i mean i'm a baller what do you mean yeah what do you expect bro my bad my bad for you son i don't feel like the girls are like that's true yeah it's all good it's it is like you signed up for it here's the thing if you if you marry or just are dating an nba player and he ends up fucking around on you and you pretend that you're surprised you're dumb as you're dumb well yeah that's what happened with cobe and the wife right everybody knew cobe beef man cobe beef and he got her the ring and that was it it's kind of what you sign up for it is it's you know they're gonna get sucked off on the road yeah

that's part of the deal and they're now their hose are so different than other sports their hose they're a little ratchet bro yeah they they they know that they know the schedule they know the team hotels they wait at the hotel they know the spots yeah exactly it's like high and lot lizards yeah yeah and they and they want to get practically they're the original jersey chasers yes yeah yeah but also there'll be one and then the whole starting five should suck the squad off that's what I'm talking about right there now I just read our producer our right wrote no curfew for the nba so those guys can stay out that's a huge problem yeah he's like what am I supposed to fuck yeah what are you talking about we're playing basketball

the good damn time we gotta fuck at night but you're getting like 20 year old boys with an incredible amount of money and they don't have a curfew that's silly they don't probably show up and all the nikes they can handle right and they don't but what they don't show up in time to go to bed to rest for the game so that's the thing is you have that yeah you have that thing where first of all there are games you would watch if you really follow the nba where you're like these dudes stayed out late last night they take nights off like a motherfucker they told me with baseball to the in hockey yeah they get hammered but in in baseball and basketball these seasons are long you know right the basketball starts in november and if you make it to the finals you're playing in

june right that's a long fucking all over and there's only a laugh in of them yeah now they get to know the best hose in every city what about being a fighter did you what's the hoe situation about the cage rats yeah the cage rats are rough let's talk about the cage rats there's not there's a few cage rats but it's not like the nba because they know that you bait you know unless you're connor McGregor freaking Brock Lesnar you're getting probably paid the same that they are so it's not that flashy right right the other thing is i find like in basketball you know winter lose they're like that that dude's the shit i feel like there's just such an emotion attached to like a girl who's like i'm targeting this badass and he lost she's like right she's like where's the other

guy who kicked your ass yeah you know like it's gotta be weird yeah because you might lose a basketball game but you're still the man like if you're James Harden you still still scored 40 points right you're still getting sucked off they're like you see me flipping the air and dunk they're like yeah that was the shit we might have lost but bitch i'm signed by adidas i'm gonna all start a game in fighting it's like well well now i get knocked out that dude's better right you're the loser that night that's rough that's gotta be so rough i don't like it now how do you know she's a cage rat does she hang out after like you know they're saying like it's all in the eyes right did he just fucking it's on the like the cage rat eyes salivating like you at basketball

games did you have the pre fight uh there's always been that thing about sex and you know a professional that's a myth but i mean so night before you're bus nuts whenever you can yeah don't hold that in it's a it's old school would you take a cage rat on the night before uh yeah i would i'm not mad yeah yeah what do you call what do you call comedy hoes chuckle fuckers it's all right it's a little old isn't it it is old but that's just what it's something like my mom would say maybe i mean your mom's got a mouth on her yeah yeah yeah it's an old saying but you're right you want to update it let's update it let's come up with something the three of us are creative yeah how do you say what is a rat what is another word for the hoe yeah it's a lizard we need a we need a little

skank yeah skank what's a new word for a slut exactly i thought slut is such a timeless word a ha ha hooker um let's see hookers funny hilarious whore yeah yeah hooker i feel like we need some sort of animal attached to it hmm punch punchline hooker i don't know a hook hooker i don't know i'm trying to think of words for punch it'll come to it well thank you keep it in your mind yeah by the time it we'll just we'll get submissions don't worry about it so how do you know they're a cage rat so you're telling me the eyes like you meaning you see the girl in the audience or this is a hoe that's like in your locker room at wanes well now you can get some laugh lizards you can get some laugh lizards you can get some cage rats you can get some jersey chasers the dms man

the dms goes down and the dms is open so they they slide into your dms is what they say right slide it hard and they're like what's up brennan i see you're fighting at the what in vegas i'll see you there well when i was fine i retired like six years ago so dms really wasn't that big of a deal right but even now if i go into a city you know i have a fiance only on a city fresno sacramento wherever i open my dms tits wow really tits that's weird that doesn't happen to me at all it never happens to you zero shit tom i get some cool guys let's let's some really cool guys we're gonna do this let's be in the circle of trust nothing you're a good looking dude he literally gets guys i get a lot of dudes yeah yeah of course a lot of gay dudes and dudes are just like i'm

putting it out there like the a guy i'll just be like i don't know i don't want to talk about dicks all the time i feel yeah and it's guy like you know it's like that those guys had the same mentality that straight guys do chasing tail right they're just like we'll see what she says let's go for it numbers game maybe he'll bite maybe it's feeling curious i sent shaw a picture of my balls and then he didn't respond i don't know it's not a big deal go to try so you get like tit tit picks yeah i get some weird shit man yeah i'm sure your fiance does she know about them does she check the phone uh no doesn't check my phone i'm sure she her body's ridiculous i'm sure she gets some ridiculous dms yeah she's got a guy about those big players those basketball players yeah i'm

about yeah yeah doesn't she um wait she works in sports right used to she's tired now full time mama full time mama yeah but when she worked in sports i'm sure that athletes right dude i came out to let you wrap up just fucking yeah what was that that's a trojan helmet okay okay damn homie damn dog you know what this is uh this is good a good time to bring this up so josh potter who's a great comedian who works here with us on the show he has a thing he has a he can't come during sex like he's a straight man he's a straight man was he a he fucks he's right there with the beard he fucks he fucks okay he fucks the man with the glasses yes that's me okay yeah he fucks okay he fucks he can he can get laid he can get in there and he cannot finish so what we did

is we put it out there we put it out there hey help him come help josh make josh come make josh come tour is he single yes oh yeah here's what's happening though ever since fuck single a yeah ever since we put it out there these hoes started or listening watch the show have been sending him messages like i'll make you come and all this shit but i some of them are i think he needs help in his dick game in his yeah like so like yeah because my dm game is poor i don't know yeah he told me some of his responses i was like like really like yo let me suck you off he'd be like that'd be fantastic exactly that's me i'd be like nido i told i go that sounds amazing when shabby i go take take advice from him yeah because i mean obviously you're a great podcaster

a great broadcaster you also play my favorite uh football team ever the buffalo bills anybody puts on the red white and blues my hero so hold on here single josh the thing is is i play as many football games for the bills as you did so let's relax there i mean you put on the helmet you're a hero to me so he's serious i mean i'm sure in uh like high school and college and stuff i never had that athlete swag i mean i'm sure you were like wringing your dick out all the time i mean it's bring him like where did you hear just like an alien rug burn like it was just so soggy constantly like what's that like what's that like to just have your dick just drip well he's not wrong nasty sure you did did you do well tom no i was i was not very he's a dirt pig i did better than him

but i didn't like yeah i did all right i was not i was not prolific in any in any you're a good looking gala christine i'm sure you did well i could have but i was raised in an era where aids was a big thing and i was so afraid of getting aids and stuff that i was like that was real then yeah so i'm kind of you know that old though where aids was like a pop she's 53 i'm 67 no but i'm you know when i'm built for marriage and monogamy i used to have long-term boyfriends i wasn't a good dater i'm not a good hookup girl he was supposed to be my first one night stand this guy now look at him now we're married i i mean i did throw it in a few i know and i and i did not date i just put it in hoes but i'm saying i didn't rack up crazy numbers yeah so but no

now your your number is pretty crazy oh he's disgusting i bet it's pretty nice look at him yeah are you kidding me it's just disturbing man i don't know triple digits come on they're high they're high okay let me answer this at least do you know this howard stir do you know do you know the names of every girl you ever slept with no way absolutely no she gave me shit for that she was like what are their names oh my god if someone said shop i will give you 20 million dollars you can name 25 of them thank you you name 50 of them see i'm like everybody that's ejaculated in me i know their names that's why i don't like i don't like the idea of some guy busting nuts in me then you haven't lived no apparently not it's nasty i think it's

fucking gross like i actually go like there was the one with the mist and leg there was the fucking short one there's the one at the beach like that's how i remember yeah i give him like yeah something to kind of give him like a little nickname right like if i met her at pizza i'd be like chicago pizza yeah or you go like uh hey how many girls you sleep with that weekend you're like well there was asia there was uh you know i mean like right asian girl there was a redhead here all this big tits there's a big tits there was the one that farted yeah yeah it's that it's like nicknames so wait let's go back to potter but potter's getting these offers and i don't think he's closing the deal no we need to capitalize on this opportunity you may be like his hitch

yes he's the big fat white dude yeah yeah he's having james i'm will smith there you go yeah you got any like tips like what what happened okay so can you read more and yeah read read give me an example because you got to be more aggressive because they're obviously down for the clown so you don't need to tip around you don't you jump in the fucking jeez ben bro all that just rhymes i don't know if you didn't did it yeah i'm gonna tell him a white rapper dude yeah bro yeah i'm a white rapper so wait so hold on so what you're saying is when she comes on strong you what's the tactic fire back strong back dick wow dick pick out the here's what i'm saying wait are you working with a i don't know that i got big dick b dick over here

you know what i'm saying like no he's good man i'm okay yeah you've seen it though oh yeah so we tore it a bunch so yeah like but let's say this chick's like oh i heard you have a problem uh you know i i'd like to help you with that problem but i'm in cleveland he should be like fucking talking about airfare right it should be like uh well if you have a but if you're only getting a few and she's like well i'm in cleveland then i don't know your financial situation but yeah maybe you fly out here but he he goes on tour with you a lot of times yeah there's gonna be a ton of fucking laugh lizards so don't don't don't waste your fucking miles on this hoe in cleveland okay start start DMing them the skanks in the other cities what are you i'm just so derogatory towards women

it's fantastic show times make your fire yes thank you what do you guys think of giggle gash giggle gash no gash no gash is too aggressive that's it's a good hey maybe set the next round out huh there's too much this i mean this is i wonder why you can't get a girl that's like Ted Bundy over here what about gash horse all right well jesus christ yeah that's that's what i love about him he had 20 minutes to come up with that i'm just sitting on it yeah fucking gash these bitches huh i know it's a violent giggle gash neck gash right so i swing my axe into her fucking thigh nobody wants to hear the word gash chill dammer so wait a minute hold up yes i'm pulling up okay let's hear it okay so it starts out

dawg you so cute i'm sure you've got a girl at home but if you've ever if you're ever in stl and want someone to try to make you come feel free to hit me up only if you plan to keep it high and tight and come when you poop though bro jesus a lot of so we gotta freak he's a big fan yeah she's a big fan of the show she's just dropping fan references take a poop when you come it's just a fan reference it doesn't mean shit yeah no i know i'm familiar with it um i wouldn't waste my again i won't waste my mouse but i'll respond back all right when you know like what's good let's do it like what i think like when you say literally what's good let's do it shop's thing is basically it's for my direct be direct like it's all straight up be direct because they're in because you

show me the one you don't need you to warm up there's no foreplay you're getting there and then it's fucking on like donkey kong and i treat him like shit too right i say something like oh my god you know what man i just feel like i say like i say like come get it bitch or something like that right i wouldn't do that no i wouldn't do that that's a good idea i wouldn't do that no come get it bitch no no come get this i feel like i would probably take that out i'm trying to like you know hone your aura here with myself so you wouldn't say bitch no i wouldn't say bitch no but a girl messages you let's say you're single and she's like yeah hey uh brandon i'd love to make you come when you're in houston your response is see a march whatever 27 all right there you good okay perfect

i'll hit you up when i'm in town that's good but i'll hit you up when i'm in town is that a good response to this lady then you then you're calling there if you're in l.a let me know yeah if you're in l.a we need to start following up with that more that's better okay i like coming to the west coast yeah because here's a deal man you might get a hoe to fly herself out if you say if you're in l.a she's like i got a ton of miles or my man's a pilot you know and can jump on that plane it feels like this whole thing is just elementary you know i mean that's how he says the word you say that was it listen elementary elementary i said elementary elementary spend time in western new york you know we speak oddly right i mean you've talked to friend and he's trying to say

elementary elementary yeah elementary i said it wrong one time that's not i say that's not i say it son no bro you've been saying it wrong for 34 years now one time click it again click it again that'd be so retarded oh sorry elementary yeah elementary that might be i don't think they say i was just in but i wasn't not just but six ones go and buff let the helium there they definitely don't say that oh they don't talk like that now josh has a special gift that's all good no but it's what's up from helium by the way they giggle we definitely we definitely let's let's try this tactic be more direct bro they're already in you don't need to butter him up but also maybe take it down i i i get a creepy vibe a little yeah yeah i know it that's just i mean

we haven't gotten to know each other obviously a creepy vibe is what i put off i know what that's what i'm saying yeah i mean i get it and you'll get to know me hopefully sometime you'll you'll realize i'm not as creepy as i look that part's true that's true yeah i'm not sweetest he's the best i totally get your first impressions i mean creepy vibe yeah there is yeah so the whole gas i've weaponized yeah that was crazy the giggle gashes yeah okay i think that's a winner still i really know i know nope nope that's not gonna connect that's not it that doesn't connect for me matter of fact makes you creepier yeah to be honest yeah so josh read us another one let's do some more because i think that you need brennan's i'm learning that my initial instincts of joy

when i receive tits in a dm or something and going like nito or awesome that's not good right no awesome's not sexy right right fantastic no they don't want to yeah you're not a fucking answer how do you compliment their tits without sounding like a nerd uh you know it's easy because let's say you don't want to use words use emojis okay like that the salvating mouth like oh there you go or devil horns or the the heart eyes what about the uh or or you can do or you can do the eggplant egg plant drip drip drip and then a mouth yeah yeah because that's how you that's talk these are straight up moji yeah you gotta speak their language laugh lizards bro i see it's like hieroglyphics shit yeah but for course and if she leads if she leads with like a hoe statement

you it's on you can't treat her like you can't treat her like you're like a lady yeah she's not she wants you to treat her like a hoe she told you you know right right you don't want to sound like a like you're my queen and put like no no again creepy butt yeah you don't say i'm your queen you're like you know noted josh put it this way a lady like me that's got the husband and nice children like a nice lady i would never send a dm like that in a million what's that tits or like tits i'll suck your cock at any city i'll make it come like it's never it's never that's not mama quality i got news for you christina there's a few married ladies that will disagree with you right well they're not nice girls like that's shitty mom's true the price

shitty mom's yeah you know the shitty kids yeah your kid goes to the classes and you know the poor dude yeah but i'm a nice lady i'm saying the nice girls the good girls they don't that's who you say nice things to that's who you say nice things to okay not dm these these big girls you're trying to get a wife you're trying to get sucked up no no wife okay then we're sticking to the game plan wait we had the whole thing about that can you come in a mouth no also it's harder than a vagina what the fuck dude it's sad it's not go upset bread i know i know you i know it's possible for you to understand your dick just imagine like i guess the way for you to relate is like have you ever had like a month where you're just like got so much pussy where you're just like your eyes

roll in the back of your head and you just you're not even you're like did i leave the oven on you don't even think about sex anymore you know what i'm saying that's the only way that like maybe you can relate to me on this level you know i mean like it's just like thursday and i have another pussy on my dick you know what i mean like i just don't like those days but you just can't come at all right well he he can masturbate how to girl i can finish on his own he has to do it himself he just can't finish in the garage yeah it's never been inside of them when he's got to get involved so it's on have you ever had a girlfriend yeah tongue don't say time yeah don't say four yeah yeah i i don't know why i said that don't say tons tons bro uh no no i'm nervous you played for

the bills i'm nervous god damn it dude i did not play for the bills practice squad i'm yeah i'm yeah i play that's that's don't wait did you did you do preseason yeah dude that's fucking then you're my training you're you gotta set your standards higher man i i guess i'm not jim kelly over here okay okay more i like coming this can we do more because he just taught you you realize that emoji shit that's some real knowledge that was good game yeah you're right put your phone game you don't need to get created free game as willie d says free game right yeah i usually charge for this shit that was pretty awesome i'm definitely going to go with emojis yeah surely you know why emojis are great because they're vague yet still kind of decipherable and she can read into that

shit pretty black and white let her read into it though is there any no no emojis yeah that's a good one well you know what they all stand for right so if you're an eggplant that's a dick you have a peach that's the s right and then there's when there's the watermarks that's come the mouth is you're coming into their mouth okay i didn't know i'm learning everything yeah i know i'm just trying to get full damn the fully clips moon that's like a cuckold one right what i'm not sure what that is again that's weird bro hey what you know how you have fun emoji talk and then he's like yeah what about the moon you know how he talks yeah he struggles with this finishing thing what about what if you got what if you two double teamed them and you kind of show them like front and

center with the oh man that would be don't like show them the ropes yeah he gives off a free vibe i feel like you'd have a mask on jacking off in the corner he's not free but josh is sweet he's yeah i would not sing his whole face right now because he's covered but if you saw him yeah he's not you guys could like high five over the girl and i would be like wait a go bro because i i would be like more like i'd be like congratulating you because i'm sure you do a better job than me i'd be like i'd be like yeah i'd be like get her dude it's like it's like a get her dude it's like a hitch but x-rated you know i'm saying you know like if will smith and kevin james x-ray dude and then then you would have to you could do this thing where like you got like like brennan

would be uh banging her yeah and then you're in her mouth and you go you know he played for the bills and she was like i'd be like his makes so much bigger right it's crazy yeah yeah this is a good idea it's trying to help here man you know this was no you've been very helpful i have very much extremely read another one let's help hold on do you have a type no but we do have this we do have this thing that we've been talking about where since he hasn't been able to finish with a lady of any type we're thinking maybe because we were trying to figure out what's gay no i don't think he's gay no i think i would admit to that part i mean i'm opening up i just you know he's maybe he just needs to be with like a smoke show like a ten you know

i mean you have to pay for that i think with him oh really let's get you a professional is it that easy of a solution who wants to start the kickstarter fund do you want to see i have a i have one here i don't want to show the ladies nudes but this is another but also do what is okay i will i mean i feel like i've earned it man i've got some knowledge i would show you my mom's nudes you played for the bills you know what i mean like so tell uh so this woman wrote i would absolutely love to be your cum sponsor i also never eat i chain smoke and nothing turns me on more than a good child's murder try it out and i was like okay i wrote i would be honored and then i ruined i'd be honored what do you do a teacher i guess so my back what'd she say back when she

goes come to ottawa on your cum tour too far that's it and then she said uh come i i said oh that sounds uh i said i'm super excited to come to ottawa i'm trying to make myself i'm super excited i can't wait to get out of here there's great coffee yeah and she said i can't believe you are responding to me lol i have to make this happen now and i was like and he's like this is great then she sent nudes and are they good yeah well the fucking put them up dude i mean okay all right we can edit it out of the video you don't want to yeah you want the audience are they good if they're if they're asshole shots i don't want to see it if i hope so i don't want to see that you ever seen her nudes no oh god you guys need to start the soccer player the soccer player her

her nudes got leaked and they are so graphic she's open up her asshole really it's so disturbing guys you're not supposed to look but she's kind of she's kind of like she's sexy but but but she's like the super aggressive goalie right goalie who got kicked out of the limits yeah she's got too hardcore oh yeah so her nudes are stop a ball though yeah she's asshole pics should i bring them out to you can we put them on the screen i mean they're in my phone i don't think that's possible not a bit all right yeah but either way they're grab it's okay let's go let's hear let me get a sexy pic and then the girl goes asshole like inside her asshole like all right maybe too much for me yeah it's is that is that the line what's a sexy pic oh this is the girl who's trying to

fuck you it's one of them that's one of them dude game on brother oh look at that reaction game on bro there's a video of what oh she's kissing oh she has a strap on wait what what are you waiting for oh what are you doing get to Ottawa now what are you don't listen to any of my advice okay let me see let me see don't you have miles yeah what is wrong with you how much is a ticket to Ottawa is he open for you tom yeah let me see i'm looking oh dude let me see oh my god you need to cover on your phone you psycho let's swipe there all right let's see all right you know another another beautiful again i'm sure you're super nice but the iphone one's a creepy vibe bro that old iphone one doesn't really have a creepy vibe what are you waiting for this girl's gonna

make update your phone before you start fucking dude you're crazy you got to go to Ottawa but she's not good at all no those are good she'll make you come yeah jeez yeah she got a beak on her though yeah well it's all right i mean she's smart not to show her face though i mean like from a setting naked pictures perspective right i mean it's pretty incriminating yeah do you care do you uh by the way do you know no do you know what Potter's uh intro is when we have him on the show to do a segment what is it it's this right here is that him crying no just a woman crying i thought that was him crying that's how we that's how we bring him on usually that's nice yeah how long have you guys known each other

i've known him for a number of years now yeah we call him the cockroach yeah why he doesn't eat he doesn't sleep he can't come how old is he's not even a human he's uh he's 19 i am 33 he's 33 yeah doesn't sleep oh wow oh yeah um hey i wanted to bring up the other thing native so yeah yeah so so so for people that um don't know i had it we got a real big kick out of this and that was that um a few months ago you tweeted out a picture of my barber yes and you said you're here with tom's twin dude every time i see him i go you look like my friend cigar you look at my friend cigar i thought you guys look identical now before you go bad on me ready yeah so i think he passed away what i want to go get my haircut uh last week and there was like a huge

picture up of him and they're like uh he had a heart attack and he's on live support and we're doing a go fund me and i was like i'm gonna believe him i know before we go bad on him i wasn't gonna go bad on him i was you don't think you look anything like that i mean mine no i think he looks like he's he's a handsome dude no he's mexican as fuck all right well that's you know but yeah he had a heart attack and they had to have some he wasn't doing well they had to go fund me i yeah oh who's gonna cut your hair now i don't know that's the real problem and what does the caption say there what does it say fun fact did you know my barbara's tom cigar's mexican brother yeah so was that a bad thing not at all no i just i thought he's

look i got a laugh out of it and because in my mind i was just kind of mean would you say has a joke yeah i thought i felt like mine was more fun yours was fun and yours was like apparently brent's been punched in the face so many times i don't recognize his friends yeah god damn but which was it was people laughed it was a fun it was i did it in jest i didn't okay i just thought maybe you know the cte was making you not see my face well dude he guys have similar features do we mean you're my wife not at all that the only really no the only similarity is the beard and even that man's beard is so full and i feel like they have the same eyes absolutely not no this this is nowhere near top it was apparently early in the morning because i look like death in that

picture very handsome you look handsome this guy this this this hand the other gentleman's hands and but no but it got us i got our wheels turning oh yeah so well we decided that we should pull out some of your twins what i look like yeah so here's this guy you think i don't you don't see it at all is that i look more like morgan freeman than that guy that's that's terrible that's viny from jersey shore yeah did he eat all the pizza and jersey sure what happened you don't think you look like him at all no not even a little like facially a little bit i don't i know man i don't think so i mean he's got tattoos he's very handsome benny's very okay i mean that's the thing of what's different why do you post that picture

because he's on a ketogenic diet now and he's much skinnier he's big before and after yeah i think this is a before she's no he's really he's really in good shape right now okay i guess maybe i see you don't see you don't see you at all in that i mean not really man i guess we both have eyes and a nose all right all right i have tattoos and we're both white this one this next one that's definitely all right bro that looks like you and i had a baby you don't think your hair at all looks like him maybe my hair does yeah but that's about it he looks more like you than me talk well he has your stare yeah right your pregame your pre fight stare across the ring yeah i'm the cheeks the very full face very similar yeah god i don't see it there either you don't see that i don't see it what

else you got i see you for this right here wow rob Kardashian you don't see i guess if i ate all the fucking honey in the world what are you talking about yeah what it doesn't it looks just like you that looks like you you don't see that yeah you don't know you don't i'm on this crazy diet now where i do no sugar no carbs nothing are you yeah for a while it's ever since and you're you're right you're right when when he said fat shaming works because the comedy story keeps using this picture of what my face was so fat i saw you go you said hey it looks like burr like i think you sent to me you said on the comedy thing i was like oh my my face looks like that oh and then it's that i've been really big now i've been on amazingly right now no he was just here last week no yeah he's back

on getting fat no why because he's on tour and he's just like that's himself loose that's burr though yeah burr skinny wouldn't be fun that's true yeah no you need him to be like yeah it's burr 320 yeah 320 he's up he's up to like he said he was just at just under three right now no way yeah yeah what yeah he's huge man god damn no you're bolster no no it's hard to god it's 385 i'll show you a picture of christier we were just with him last week how about this does this look like you oh man that's that's your comedy store picture that's that's my comedy store picture and why do they keep using it i don't know i they just pull whatever they can get i guess or the laugh factor keeps using this one to mean a fucking turtleneck this is christier

this is last week let's see i mean he's thick for sure let's see that there's no way he's 290 let's see on my instagram if you guys want to see at the oh that but that picture doesn't really even show he looks fat yeah definitely you need a profile pic to see how tall is he this is from your buffalo bills is on the practice squad that's right let's me don't work there that's fucking cool cheer about isn't there we have a picture him on the phone there's a picture of you that we got on the phone i don't want to take part of this and that's the star from born this way yeah how about the uh how about oh we do have your octagon finger fingernails what about your octagon picture there you are i went out dude i was at this fight i was this is the mitreon fight nope i don't want

part of this this was what you this is one in on this didn't you fight mitreon i don't know what you're talking about i don't want to know this i want nothing to do with what do you mean that's not what's going through your mind right here i don't want in on this you guys laugh at the back i don't want a little i'm sorry what were you saying tom you look how about birth you see 280 you look heavier in this picture you know he won this fight is that right yeah huh yep did you make out with any of the rat the cage rats i don't know what that is so uh if that's not you that's your twin i guess i guess bro those are just pictures we found a few people submitted those yeah i don't know what you said but any any shop look alike so we got a bachelor that's what yeah i

don't know yeah apparently one's blind so that's good i just saw i saw you yeah sure i didn't see any of you that terrible story about that barber though yeah man that's terrible and you you were seeing that guy for a long time yeah for a long time you still go to the same place well now that i moved though i haven't been there since that's too far right now i gotta find one around here yeah all right you know a good one you like what i got going on or you do it yourself or no really you pay someone i paid for it when you know well when he does it himself he can miss spots i fuck up yeah yeah and then you go like what am i doing saving 30 bucks or something like what's 30 dollars come on i don't spend that on coffee come on yeah i'm growing my shit out like bradley cooper so wait you

do look thinned out though how long you've been doing this four days now four days that's it four days of super strict when we are moving it's hard for me uh to stick to my diet and workout so are you gonna have a cutoff point are you trying to get like super super just trying to get healthy i feel really lean better yeah leaner for sure i don't my face will look like i fucking got stung by all the bees but that's your thing right aren't you the bee guy well the bee guy you know he calls me the like i guess the name the sting comes from like i get stung by a bunch of bees that's what i'm saying yeah it's but i say hey all right but you don't like it no isn't that the name of your podcast king in the sting i thought it was the thing in the ring no it's the king in the

sting and then there's a fight in the kid but i don't fight anymore but that you stick with it yeah i'm saying so you're the you're the sting i'm the on the yes thing you're the sting it's the king in the sting so feel thanks you guys don't like him by the way why i don't know he's like he's like because we got done doing the show today he's like what are you doing and i filmed a show before that for show time one of your nine shows yes and uh he's like where you going i'm like i'm going to do your mom south with with tom christina he's like oh he's like i'm like have you done it before i love them he's like nope they don't invite me man he's like i don't think they like me i think that's former road rules alarm are you kidding me i didn't know you're on there yeah yeah that's what i

met i was on a season right before theo and i met him like in the 90s dude like i've known that guy for a long time he's been doing for a hot second like we're at the comic store that night people are coming up to us saying stuff i'm like dude look at us man it crazy isn't this crazy that's crazy we're finally here and he goes dude i've been doing because i you know i've i've known theo for whatever two three years now i'm like didn't it crazy we'll start the same thing he's like dude i've been doing comedy for 14 years he said that i forget i i forget i like i i don't know i forgot how long he's been doing it yeah i was like look at us doing it man and he's like what are you talking about hey did we uh mention the fart mic no people farting that mic they absolutely do oh wow so if

you have a fart this is where you gotta he's on a diet i'm sure everyone get pink eye yeah i don't want to touch that are you want you're on the heatogenic diet uh i'm sorry yeah dude you should have heard what big daddy kane did in that thing oh my god he can fart as good as he wraps it's amazing oh wow yeah and he just got that thing ripped into it yeah and and it was it was on rhythm it was like oh wow good for him yeah and i get zanku chicken for us so that we get gassy so you get going yeah yeah yeah well i'll let you know yeah please do it please don't be like oh i forgot to mention it okay i'll see i can do do you fart in front of your lady nope keep it sexy wow you do keep it sexy never fart in front of any of my girlfriends or nothing what are you doing you

have to make brown i have to take a shit yeah uh just go mosey around do you tell her i gotta take a shit you know tell her do you have a separate like a secret yeah i have i have my spot just disappear you just disappear yeah interesting i've noticed that you have a nice piece of jewelry my husband wants me to buy him a chain for his 40th birthday kind of chain he's like a dope like a cuban link are you being serious yeah yeah what about some black diamonds oh you want to try it yeah oh my god this is perfect when did you get it uh i got it when i shot my special who gave it to you who gave it to you this guy his name's chase chase gregory he does all the the Dodgers and the Yankees and everybody come on that's but i bought this piece from him this

hanzo uh and then uh i was like him or he text me goes aren't you getting ready to shoot your special yeah because i got something for you and then drop that off wait he just gave it to you to had you buy business back to him yeah you'd bought things from him before yeah yeah i brought my girl's ring from him oh okay that's really awesome that's a beautiful chain it's dope looks dope it looks good it looks real nice i'm trying to convince her black diamonds maybe if he got it for free i don't want to spend like 50 grand on a chain i think that's a lot i was like spend 40 get him what's yeah get 40 for 40 40 for a thousand for every year yeah dope yeah i'm just gonna wear the rest of the show okay yeah okay you want to try this one on two yeah i might as

well okay rose golden diamonds now wait what's the deal with this one you bought this you bought it from the same guy same guy can you grab it i see it first wow this is heavy holy this is what i'm talking about i got you dog he's already he's living my dream you can i say something what's up the chain smells like brandon smell it smells like your cologne dude yeah i wear that every day and i could have been in that how does gold hold i got that for my when uh that thing's kind of a good luck charm my son has his seizures i got that like this the day when we figured out cbd oil gets rid of him so i haven't taken out since he was not any more things to cbd oil really what was wrong with him real story what was causing it um they don't know it's epileptic seizures but benign

though and then uh there's like all like doctors like oh let's put them on this medication let's do this let's do this and then uh i wonder these forms and the mom's like do not give them medication it fucks up everything you're doing try cbd oil and i have some friends who know some people in cbd oil business so i'm like i'm gonna try that before i try anything else tried it hasn't had one since great dude and i got that chain when we figured out that the cbd oil fix it so how are you feeling right now look just look no it looks i like the ham hamster is that what you call that ham i like that wards off evil spirits yeah i like i like the shine it's a jewish and muslim this is i like that i like that what do you think my black diamonds i like the gold more than the

black diamonds on you because you wear so much black already i think the gold pops i'll set you up with the guy come to your house dude get your deal you reach out to her look at her shaking her head she's all i asked for i hate it i hate it's all i asked for he looks dope all i want for my birthday is this and for you not to ruin my day you know oh my god tell tell him your plans for your birthday when's your birthday first of all it's april 16th all right so i told her she was like what do you want to do for you 40 and i was like you know maybe go like do a track day at the racetrack have friends we go take laps track day you know like a race a Porsche experience yeah like that kind of thing okay and she was like okay um can i be involved and i was like well i'm

trying to have fun but the way he frayed that he was like you know my friends and i just go without you yeah and i was like well i didn't say it like that like okay i was like well then can i can i do something with you after like is that cool i was like well we're probably gonna hang out after you know yeah it's a full day yeah yeah we're gonna get maybe you guys celebrate the next day yeah let's be with the boys right get something to eat right for drinks a few drinks yeah that's cool see what's going on the dms you know oh my god see what's happening it's birthday party what are you doing party do you guys go off for your birthday or no no i don't give i don't do shit either mine's coming up march no this year it's just oh really how are you gonna be i'll be 35

and you're young damn homie you're very young am i you like it really sure all right you're only 40 dude 39 39 39 you're young as fuck too oh yeah i know i'm finally gonna experience what's going on did this guy slide in your deer everybody was hey yeah can you describe what's happening it's an older guy you turn it down he's butt-naked with his dick out yeah medium size i'd say small to medium size day and that's small in this world

out of shape damn and he's dancing he's not doing karate what do you think of his moves little stiff in the lower region he looks like yellow bastard from sin city but the point is that his dog is swinging around as he's dancing oh wow oh my god oh he just did a cool this guy has no friends you don't think so he just DM me actually today oh he just stood around the world with that he's shaking his cockatiel isn't he but do you think he's an older man he's moved oh no no no yeah i don't like the close up i don't don't dance in spite of her song you old fuck oh whoa and then it's that's his only that's his go-to that's when he runs out ideas goes fuck it shake the dig make the dig shake the

shake the dig yeah oh he's got a backward tat on this one is that him singing you have to have a heart attack it looks bigger in this one yeah his dick does look fat i think maybe he trimmed the hair back uh i think he got a slight chop or you know when you just get done jack and off it's kind of still flowing yeah that's what happened there's some fluff in that for sure yeah is he gave out to you is he melting oh he's so no he's the original naked armadillo the guy's the original cool guy that's the that's the president ceo yeah right there he's not a cool man i'm really digging his jewelry you look fresh dude yeah this is how you walk around

all day i should hide it when i go on stage yeah because but no one's gonna distract oh yeah that makes sense though but now when you shoot the special especially i i i just had the one out for the special which one uh no i had the gold one out because for my son yeah this is this dude gave you this yeah man it's pretty crazy did you have to do anything for it you know little robert craft shit yeah right what's up dog what's up how about you want that chain you want that thick like rick ross chain what are you talking about um i mean i'm down for any of it you know god you look dope hey it's uh it's a birthday are you into rings do you do rings i don't do rings i'm i'm the same i like bracelets no watches watches necklaces yeah that's the way to go you know earring no hard

pass on the air yeah it's kind of girly do you know anyone uh any dude with an earring black guys can do it ah you're right that's true yeah they pull it off well you have to look at you know you got that real bde you're talking about you know that big dick energy yeah big dude energy yeah yeah bro big dude what about the what about your girl is she into jewelry yeah a little bit jewelry the jewels are you're not are you no not really i'm not into anything i don't really i'm i'm terrible i'm the worst person to i don't care everything he buys me i'm excited about i'm just not didn't you get her that dope uh fanny pack i saw is that a gucci fanny pack that's my one that things don't big thing yeah that was cool but you're not into shoes purses not really jewelry

no you know what i like what i was talking about this before i get excited going to the grocery store and just buying whatever i want you know when i feel mostly like a baller is when my fridge is stocked with diet cokes that's exciting i think it's a kid thing when i was a kid when my mom would go grocery shopping and they'll they would be filled with all of our favorite foods i'd open up like that's right yeah i feel good it's gonna be a good week yeah and i think for whatever reason it triggers that now do you like drinking diet cokes yeah open it up and there's just a 24 pack and i'm just like fuck yeah i'm doing right a stocked a stocked beverage fridge feels good if you have a variety of beverages bro that does drink diet drinks i used to drink

them a lot i you i drink that zivia stuff a lot yeah fucks with zivia um but i i i do have a soft spot for especially if it's you know weeks or something i've gone by and then somebody's like offers a diet coke that but i don't buy it for the house really yeah i have to stop because i'll go through like it's almost like uh i don't know if i'm home i want something like a drink a beverage yeah i'll go through like five six a day really yeah if i'm at home i'd like to stick to just for the most part water and coffee that's great bro i know but i i do like that zivia a lot of coffee me too yeah did you do you drink a lot of water you gotta hydrate never drink water ever you're a fucking athlete you gotta be careful i'm not an athlete anymore but i mean when you

were in training though it's also a myth so if you drink what eight cups of coffee that still counts as fluids it's a diuretic but it's still a fluid it's a diuretic which means it's dehydrating you and you're gonna pushing it through but it's still liquids you're gonna get kidney stones and stuff that part i feel great right now although i was getting pretty sick from drinking so much coffee start throwing up and stuff on sets yeah what yep that's a one to the dock alarm your body's just so acidic from all the coffee yeah seriously yeah it's throwing up in uber's how much is bad how much were you were you drinking like 16 18 cups a day what there was no part before the throwing up they told you that maybe that's too much felt great bro really yeah too many jobs

and i was a coffee how many jobs do we have right now because this always fascinates me about you well great you have a great workout but i mean like let's let's break it down just break it down well there's so my show time stuff would blow the bell right so i do that that's a date that's what that's that's on monday you cover fights well that it's like uh it's a fight show like like the beginning just my life and then i break down fights and inside information stuff like that so that's monday's that's it right yeah so i go from there and i shoot fighting the kid with brian callan on monday on monday you do both on monday both on monday this is every monday every monday okay and then tuesday i shoot more stuff for show time below the bell

which it might be a food truck diary show where it's me and a fighter and we're at a food truck doing an interview at the food trucks and that's one of the seconds we do and i do king in the sting with theo that's tuesday's okay and then usually i always have stand-up tuesday nights at least two sets are you doing sets tonight yep we're at three tonight we're doing a comic store and the improv wow so then wednesday's after fighting the kid we have a guest and then thursday's i usually have another something else for show time and then stand up at night and then fridays i'm usually on the road or um to stand up here in la wow hustling really you guys are doing a lot of work though no we do we do but i mean still it's not that crazy i think you just have a lot

of different things going on too that's what makes it fun yeah i get that made me do fighting the kid or the five days a week five i'd die i hate that i like having a different how much are you road dog in it right now i i was off the road because i shot my special in january so i get back on the road in march wow it's exciting i have the special taping go good really good san diego yeah really really good spreco's theater in san diego's a good and do we know where does it have a home show time hey drops in may congrats thank you do you have a name for it yet uh you'd be surprised hey yeah that's a good name for it it is yeah this can be fun man that's awesome back on the road dog yeah that's exciting pretty exciting you're gonna rack up those road dollars right yeah

i feel like we've lost all energy in our bodies do you know where also you know where you go first we got so excited uh i'm going to miami the fifteenth and sixteenth miami improv they redid that's right they did everyone warns me about it have you been there no but now it's in where's in drowler uh i don't know it's not in broken warn me about it yeah but that was the old one the old one is in coconut grove that was supposed to be great i thought i know the old one no the new one's gonna be good the new one's supposed to be good so i go there dc or i'm sorry miami improv and then we just did uh milwaukee we added milwaukee for this i think it's the third week in uh march paps theater yeah i've done milwaukee pass theater yeah it's great is it awesome i've never done it

it's i get worried about going to new markets it's great and it's also the best green room in the business really yes so you better than commie works in denver oh you can't compare yeah you can't compare because this is a theater so you walk in and there'll be like a barista set up at a stand and that you're in the green room you're like who's this for like this for you what yeah and then there's a full record selection with record players there's old school arcade games full sofas wow yeah it's dope dude damn it's it's it's pretty unique i'm pretty excited about milwaukee because i've never been there walk is great yeah i go miami milwaukee and i end in march in dc dc improv there you go i know that i'll be on your site t fact k dot com t fact k dot com yes sir all right um is there

anything else to show no jean no no what do you guys got going back on the road but we're on the road right now at the commie store that much we're on the road a lot right now on the road right now yeah i'm there tonight i'm coming tonight oh perfect yeah um then i saw you the other night right yeah i had to early spot yes yeah isn't you know what i find out by 9 30 dude you're smart i don't fuck around it's so nice when to get in and out i find myself turning down a lot of stuff because too late i just don't want to take away from my son that i know that's how i am like you want me to do what not happening man no there's no worries now tonight my spots i have two spots they're a 15 and 9 30 perfect one's at 10 one's at 10 30 oh boo but then don't you wake up early

for the kid i wake up when my son 5 30 a.m yeah bro that's brutal right brutal stand up at night and then wake up with a little one yeah it's a good problem to have i guess it is so we all do with kids man that's what we do that's how it is when you get our kids together i know dude there's no excuse now we're fucking next to each other super close to each other yeah so in here who all records in this whole in this is this whole bill is this like a rogan thing so we're here yeah every week uh dr drew is there love dr drew sick by the way i heard that sir has the biggest hog for real that's that's the facts i'm gonna ask from who fattest dick from his boy fattest dick okay we'll ask him on the next ask him ask him on the next well no yeah after dark it's a little

bit of the first web talk but i'm telling you as a fat oh i gotta bring that up okay i'm it's like a pipe i heard really i guess it's like crazy big we gotta ask you there's a lot of things making more sense right now mike mccarthy his uh yeah yeah he was co-host forever says he's the biggest stick oh my god and i was like he's jack he's given me the you see the biceps on that dude yeah he's in great shape yeah looks great and he downplays it too which would make sense he has the biggest energy like he's just so calm and collected about it and he knows he knows yeah so much smarter than everybody yeah so much smarter i know duty blows me away when he talks i'm like what i'm like i'll just take sit this round out well maybe it's because we're don't we don't hang

around regular people or like educated people we just hang out with comedian douchebags all the time so when he talks like doctor talk i'm always like i have nothing to add yeah very cool fantastic like no fucking way man tell me about your dick bro tell me about your dick do you far a lot or so yeah so yeah dr drew what else sickler is here sickle cell he starts recording in ryan yeah yep good dude who else um there's a couple other that are i don't want to i don't want to let the cat but there's a okay yeah a couple i didn't blurt something out no no no no it's all good it's all good we'll just cut it we'll just edit it out okay it's fine no but yeah they'll be here soon santino too you're gonna edit this no he's not he's not really no because he was going to

and he started talking about like you know the commute he's just doing his own thing it's great we're total fans he'll be back as a guest but he was going to do it here and then he started to you know be like i'll have to do some close to my place i was like yeah you gotta come yeah it has to be here so but it's like there's no there's no uh we're gonna edit this out right we're gonna get this stuff out now no we'll leave it all right you guys are killing it though so are you man yeah what thanks man thanks um yeah we're neighbors yeah we're neighbors thank you for for coming over yeah man i live at the street the big brown we'll do it again soon i hope love having you on dude thanks so much thanks for helping josh come yeah hey josh will you

keep me posted man yeah well yeah he said let me know when you bust that nut dude for sure we'll kind of a party or something right sure and then screenshot it and frame your emoji talk right and i'll sign it that's a good idea we need to get these screenshots of these conversations especially if it actually goes down yeah if he finishes then let's get this we need the evidence we need to see the trail don't want party seriously a come party now you're thinking josh that's a great idea we're going to throw you a come party at brendan's new house let's do that sky zone so you can jump on the trampolines with hoes yeah bro what do you think is that a good idea did he pass it i'm totally down all right yeah come party

sounds great come party sky zone dance with the freak freaks like the juggies and shit we do have davin busters too though davin busters davin busters davin bust even better bros josh and bust all right i think that's it all right man all right i'm gonna leave now i know what's going on what do you mean are you finding a song no i was just waiting oh you're searching the web oh yeah are you orting a gold chain yeah i'm trying to thanks again for giving this that's very nice to you brendanshaw gave me two fucking jewelry pieces just for visiting christina meanwhile won't fucking buy one i'm gonna stay i'm gonna connect you with my guy come on bro oh my god police i can please don't please don't no please do why am i supposed to go to college why the fuck are you doing this

where the fuck are you doing i mean you're acting get real mad at me what the fuck are you doing why are you doing this can't you think if your wife asks you to scratch her head does she did you ever ask for head scratchies in bed no no thank you are you affectionate yeah i'm a lover for sure i mean she's way more affectionate she's mexican as shit yeah so they're super affectionate you know yeah i'm kind of rough yeah that's why you that's why you became a fighter man i guess i mean you see all this jewelry shit but you don't know where i came from those chains are changing them in definitely you want you want to swag around the house or what oh my god bro this is how it is right now this is how it is okay bam pow the other night he was

i i lay where obviously i lay next to him in bed and then i ask for head scratchies really gotta help you sleep i love head scratch yeah it's just my currency it's what i love he's gonna agree with me on this i barter for head scratchies all this he's gonna agree with me on this anyways he won't give me the head scratchies unless it's exactly my head is exactly much work yeah because your because then your arm gets tired your forearm why how would it get tired he's laying i'm laying down we're laying down he can't bend his elbow like this if i'm right here you're laying in bed like you're like you're laying look you're laying down like to watching tv like i'm gonna go to bed and she asks for head scratch you go you don't you don't

go to bed until midnight how about you make it convenient like you you want the thing so could you be where my hand naturally lays yeah she's all like over here i'm like well then i have to go like this yeah so i'm like how about you just lay your head over here so all i did was i just pushed her head and then scratched there it's easier for you works for you buddy do you hear what he said he pushed my head last night like i was a dog on the bed like get over there yeah that's a little fucked up thank you could have asked but i'm with him making it more right but he could have asked it was kind of rude to just push your head like you guys gonna fight after that no i don't fight on that i pick i pick my battles i bust his chops in a joking like you guys don't seem like you fight

very much not really i'm i love him you have to understand how you'd have to i adore tom sugera like a door he really can do no wrong in my eyes which is probably i don't know it's the secret i adore you too no but i actively i got i make sure he has treats in the house treats yeah i feed him i pet him i love him and i do i love you i do the same no i know you take care of me and all i did was i did his head scratchy so i go this is uncomfortable look at you push my head i didn't look that that is not what i did not that's dismissive we'll do it do it how you did it last okay here's your head yeah head yeah yeah but you pushed my head and i kept scratching kept scratching and then one time brennan i was laying down sleeping and he comes in i'm i'm asleep he comes in

and i'm my head's on the pillow and then he starts fluffing his pillow really fluffing my pillow why slamming into it and you were sleeping a dead sleep but here's it's a psycho here's what's it good here's the truth and i wake up in a panic i tell you what are you doing what are you doing here's the thing i didn't know she was in bed so not true how did that's when that happened we didn't have children it was just the two of us in a 900 square foot place that's when it happened where did you think i was i don't know where you were i had a two bedroom apartment at that point you know that that's the story you were covered up and i didn't realize you're in bed that's why i walked up to my pillow and i was like this isn't fluff

and i smashed it you gotta get the hell out of it yeah i was smashing it i really gotta get into i was pounding it and then you were like what's going on i was like oh shit i didn't know you're in here that's what that's what i like how you leave out like the most key point of that story which was that i definitely didn't know you were asleep in bed yeah what's the matters you've ever got at tom oh god he's been together for a hot second yeah i know i'm trying to let me think on it i don't i don't he doesn't do a lot to infuriate me he doesn't do a lot i mean i'm telling you dude like you've ever been close to going your separate ways no never never i mean i haven't have you this is when he doesn't listen to me women are mother fucking hate and cunts

this that but this i have stuff that irritates me like this like when he's on his pushy button not listening and never listening to me like i at least five times a day i have to be like are you listening to me are you listening to me it's impossible to text and listen to someone it's hard your tell story and someone's on their text and you're like uh uh you're not listening yeah yeah what's up on my instagram ads i'm gonna roll today because women are fucking stupid there you go there you go that's what i deal with what what about you and your lady what do you think drives her crazy about you tons of stuff she has ocd and she's like real clean i just don't give a fuck i'm too busy conquering other stuff so i don't fear if there's a mess or something like

that i'll get to it you know it's not a priority for me we're both messy so that's a blessing so then it's since you're both messy you pay someone to clean it up absolutely and we always have yeah so worth it yeah no fights about clean shit no i don't know the shit to do waste of time it's not that important yeah not that important what else do i do that pisses you off oh mostly not not listening god the device the constant phone looking like you're and then yeah addicted to your phone yeah i think most people are the dope it's the modern dope everybody's addicted yeah the most disciplined people i know are addicted to it yeah i try to do things now though i where i will uh you know if i go in like playroom with my kid i'll leave it on the stairs

oh good it's not even on me usually saturdays and sundays i'll just i leave my phone upstairs i don't even touch my phone that's a great idea all if i have like a show or something to phone week i'll post that morning i just i don't even touch it and most of my friends know that if they want to get a hold of me at saturday and sunday i won't be around my phone i like that i like that did you know that there's a feature that you can see how long how much screen time you've had my shit pops up now like you're down 30 percent from last week you always spent four hours and 30 minutes a day that's a lot but does that but i'm thinking they're counting podcasts i was two when i drive i don't know is it are they i don't know i don't know how they do

it how it calculates that that's horrifying have you seen that oh yeah and you're like what it'll make you feel like a piece of shit yeah or when i'm like trying to do this my son's like daddy dad i'm like oh i'll probably get this you know but it's business yeah i'm like i don't handle because he doesn't know it's a business he's probably like all these phones more important whatever i'm doing look he's just did it right now i kind of just see and it's always there's it's always urgent there's always a reason and she also always doesn't get it that like there's a reason for there's always a reason there's always a reason but here's the deal man is that people now it's always business but the reason it's always urgent that they can get a hold of

you now 24 that's the problem and if you if you let them get a hold of you instantaneously 24 i want this to happen they're conditioned to that i want that message to come in right now i know i want to respond to it okay are you waiting for important message yeah i'm communicating with him so it's not that important well it's like are you saying please wrap get chopped the fuck out of you know talk about this song man like i'm trying to find this song the only yeah but then like but then this is what happens do it with with your touring you know i'm saying like because you can't for you on the road at the same time you're you're like take turns you also don't you don't you're not as on top of it as i am so business wise like of course like you'll just be like yeah

that's fine kids but that's what i'm saying so then you're giving me a hard time about the yeah but i'm doing yeah you can't both be the business not all the time one of us has to watch the kids and take care of the kids but even right now it's like that's it like i'm not going to ignore that right they say you can only have one headshot in the household but you guys are the only couple that's figured it out i never heard that i never heard that never and that no i don't know but i do think that i i mean right now i've got a baby and a toddler so they're my priority so you ease back on the touring i'll use back on a lot of shit so that they're the priority definitely 100 so you would full throttle you would prefer that i just don't pick up no no

all i'm saying is if i actually don't care right now but i'm saying if we're at dinner and we're all sitting around eating that yeah like it takes real discipline man to do it i don't again the most disciplined people i know struggle with it so i'm like this is some fucking addictive stuff man it is people are suffering from it no or just when we're with the kids i think that's what bothers me what okay you feel like that's an a real issue when we're with the kids no but that he's asking me right now i said no the only time it bothers me is when we're with the kids because then that's the message they get that they're not as important as your text message sounds like you have a phone problem tom yeah i'm glad we figured this out i feel like

dr drew right now i helped him with his fucking cum emojis yeah i know relationship advice i'm dr i just heard you on dr drafter dark you are saying how you like that arie encourages you to put your phone down more i do but you're not arie and you also you're you're also completely unreasonable because with you were in charge of my phone there would be so much shit that slips through the cracks and doesn't get done i'm on top of stuff so i take care of business i know that but then you still are someone who's like god you're on your phone yes handling business but when we're at home not hire someone to do this hire someone an agent or manager or i do but i'm sometimes i'm communicating with them i know and it's like why do i have you why why why have a middle man

when i'm doing it anyways yeah of course man i mean it's a fucking beast though it's a beast yeah i don't know the answer there's a lot of people that i have to communicate with on a regular a lot i know i know i mean here there's people that communicate with all the time then the others business people agents but i also think that your your condition where you feel like you have to respond to the email you have to respond to the text you know that's true you don't have to respond you don't have to do shit no but there are respond asap are you gonna lose that show or are you gonna lose this or no no but there are things that like you also realize if i don't respond to this i'm not gonna remember to do this but i'm not tell oh you're so you're worried if you don't

all i'm saying is just listen to me i'm not saying that you don't you shouldn't respond to your business stuff i'm just saying there should be certain boundaries right like i don't know when when you're home with the family maybe the phone isn't the main priority at seven o'clock more put my phone away at six see just have boundaries and it protects you and gives you a chance to have arrest it also feels good yeah it also feels so good when i leave my phone somewhere i'm gone the entire day i'm like oh thank god yeah i agree i i wish i could do what arie does where he has a flip phone there's no social media i wish man now i forget i've forgotten it before i think it's healthy at the house and been out all entire day without it nice yeah you don't feel tied down by it

nope but i i mean i'd leave it charging in rooms all the time you know yeah you sound like an addict right now but we'll figure it out yeah yeah everyone has a problem i mean i'm sure it's brought my girl in there she said the exact same thing and the exact same as done yeah but i'm also i mean more people are trying to reach me than you so i know look i know i i hey i'm grateful that you handle all the business stuff you do jean you know that yeah i know you know that come on come on you're just seeing the check i sent today okay so we had a breakthrough today i feel like we did brennan you need to come back so that we can do more of i really need he listens to you he listens to you we need your jewelry contact yeah i got you yeah birthdays in april yeah

say no more fam thanks bro all right uh thank you again brennan shop you guys tom's gonna murder me in the hollyway appreciate how are you