2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - American Horror Story: Tom’s Kids | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 9, 2024

SPONSORS: Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Head to https://liquidiv.com and use code CAVE at checkout. Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears, all lowercase. Head to https://Policygenius.com/BEARS to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.\ Welcome back to 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are back together to catch up on Bert's recent ailment and his recent bout with nicotine withdrawals. Tom also tells Bert about a really cool dream his son had that may or may not be concerning! The bears also talk about mortality, books, weird things to talk to your kids about, James Perse, shaming people for bad parking, and Bert's recent obsessions. They also talk about Juvenile getting kicked off an airplane plus Bert talks about Hawaii so much you'll wanna go there yourself. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 253 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Well, I mean we're in Burt's studio, I think you should take it away Bertrand Hey, I'm so glad you guys moved back to LA and that scam about the IRS thing you guys pretending to be Austin Ice is done We don't have to pretend that we live in Austin anymore. He's back. He's in Malibu. Done pretending. I love the Malibu house Let's talk about that. They hate when we talk about our lives. Go ahead I love the Malibu house. Let's talk about that. They hate when we talk about our lives. Go ahead. Can I tell you is, okay, I want to show you a picture. First of all, Tom. Yes. Eight days off nicotine. Eight days. Eight days off nicotine. Not me. I wake up, I spend my day, and I even go to sleep with rogues in my mouth. Go ahead. I got caught. I was doing threes and I had three here, three here, three here, three

here. Nice. I got caught. What, by the fucking TSA? Who caught you? My daughters. And they were like- And they were like. And they were like, they were like, I was like, yo feet, how many fucking Zins are you putting in?

And I said, well, I'm drinking. So I like to have them. I rotate them. And so when this one goes, I put this one in and then I go for six. And when I feel these going away, I put one in and then I'll pull this out. I had them all over the mouth.

And they were like, in Hawaii, they were like, you need to quit Zins. And I woke up the next morning and I felt like shit. I did were like, in Hawaii, they were like, you need to quit Zins. And I woke up the next morning and I felt like shit. I did feel like shit. And I was shaky and I couldn't figure it out. And I went to the gym and I got on the treadmill and I went to put a Zen in and I go, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? And so I said, all right, I'm not going to quit drinking this week because we're on vacation, but if I can quit Zins, maybe I'll feel better about myself and I won't wake up thinking about death. Dude, the withdrawals on Zins are insane.

Can I just say this? I think it is a good thing that you quit Zins because rogues have so much more flavor. So, you know what I mean? Those taste like wet or like dry paper towels and these are like pieces of candy. I would go with these. Oh, I got to a place where I was putting anything in my mouth. I had Zenos, I had Breakers, I had everything. Lucys. Serious withdrawals?

I had legit withdrawals. Like legit, in Hawaii, miserable. Cigars, did you have some cigars then to kind of balance you out? No, so I didn't do cigars all through Hawaii. And then when we got to Alabama, I said, I'm gonna have a cigar. And I was like, I hope that,

I don't, but a cigar was fine, totally fine. Didn't have any withdrawals. Dude, my withdrawals were so bad that I was sitting in Hawaii and beautiful, it's gorgeous. And all I was thinking about was, I want a Zen. I want something, I need something, I need something. Like I need a treat, that fucking, and I was all I was thinking about.

And then I was like, I'll just start drinking. And then I was like, wait, what is going on with me? Like, I have no control right now, none. You have thoughts about death when you woke up? I mean, you just said that. That's all I thought about. Wait, like you dying or just death in general? Me dying, me dying and going like.

Is this a new thing? No, I always think about death. Like that you're gonna die? I think about death every single day. You know what I did the other day, I started counting how many days I had left. How many are there? Well, I don't know, I was looking at my grandfather,

my father-in-law, we were with Leanne's family and everyone's health is sideways over in Leann's family right now. And they're all my age, Tom. They're all my age. I met them when we were all the same age. And now people have diabetes and cancer and MS and everything. And you're sitting at a table with going, I remember when I met you guys 22 years ago and everyone was healthy and vibrant. And we were talking about our kids were young and now everyone's got MS and cancer and I'm just sitting there going

how did I dodge these bullets? Dude, my six-year-old woke up the other day ear to ear. He goes, I had the best dream. I had the best dream daddy. And I go, what'd you dream about? He goes, Zachary, Lisa and Marlon. And I go, who's that? He's like, they're in my class. I go, oh, what happened in your dream? He goes, I cut off their heads with a chainsaw. And I go, what?

He goes, yeah, I had a chainsaw and I just cut their heads off I know I'm like, holy shit. I go. How did that make you feel? He goes happy He goes it made me feel happy. I go to cut their heads off. He goes, yeah, I love it. I love chainsaws. I go, okay, you want pancakes? What do you want to eat right now? So he thinks about death too. Oh God, he thinks about it the other way. I think about it the one way.

So wait, you're seeing these people deteriorate and then you're just going like, how long do I have left till it happens to me? I can't, you know, it's a real real reflection of I don't know if it's I don't know if it's regional meaning like they're all in rural Georgia Yeah, so like it's not like it's you know it bums me out that you go to where they Make they grow the cows and they grow the food and they grow it but you go to their store the the Piggly-wiggly and it's all processed shit. It bums me out that you go to their Walmart,

it's all processed shit. That everyone- So you think some of their health stuff is just environmental, that they just? I don't know, I mean, I have to live more unhealthy than these people. Huh, oh I see. Like I have to, but yet I'm, here I am,

every morning working out, I was doing, I did this, what was it, Devil's Press burner of you do two and add two for every minute. And I'm down there, I'm working out, I run every day. I went, in Hawaii, I ran every morning at seven in the morning and then went surfing every day from like eight, I gotta tell you about surfing. I gotta tell you about surfing.

But I'm literally going like, I can't understand, I don't understand how 50 in rural Georgia looks like 60 and 50 in LA looks like 45. You know, like. Sure. It was just crazy. And then I would get sad like, I don't know. It's. I was just crazy and then I would get sad like, I don't know. I was like. I was like.

I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like.

I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like.

I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I was like. I've been tempting fate so fucking hard. No goddamn way I'm getting on this rope swing.

No, I would have said no. Hard pass. Hard pass. Too many videos I've seen. Bro, hey, how about the video I sent you this morning? Langston University, HBCUs. Fucking, dude, I watched, I deep dove. Langston University is the only HBCU in all of Oklahoma.

And so that means all the black people in Oklahoma go to Langston University. They wanna go to an HBCU, right? And those fraternity, meet the Greeks, looks so much fucking fun. It looked like a carnival cruise is what it looked like. Yeah. It was like, we're about to set sail. We have a person of color that works for us in the building. No. When did you do that? It was like, we're about to set sail. We have a person of color that works for us in the building. No, when did you do that?

It was a mistake. We just read the resume and we didn't do an in-person meeting and then next thing you know, fucking boom. I've never seen you do that. Oh, it's a female? It's a female, we thought it was a dude. Her name's Kael, we thought it was Kyle. They don't make black Kiles.

So it was a K-A-Y apostrophe E-I-S-I-M, okay, I get it. By the way, she's listening downstairs, losing. No, I know. No, she's not? Good, okay. But I showed her, she went to an HBCU, and I showed her the video, and I go, how cool is that?

Thanks for making her come in the back, because I didn't see her on the way up. Keep going. She, she, she. I mean, I think she's going to have a problem with it now. No, she, she's, I feel bad. She really is awesome. She, she's, she's at our house all the time. She's at our house all the time. She's at our house all the time.

And it's such a testament to being a good person that you don't say anything fucked up when there's just someone that just is in a different room and then all of a sudden a black woman walks in, you're like, I haven't said anything wrong. I'm a good person. But I said to her today, but I do say wild shit. Like I said, I am me.

And so like today I showed her the video. I said, how fucking cool is that? That like these kids just sober, having fun, no one's drunk, they're just having a great time. And she goes, why don't you think they're drunk? And I was like, because who says they're good kids? She goes, what? She's like, I think that's racist.

She goes, you don't think black kids are drunk in college? I was like, no, just white kids get drunk in college, black kids go to get an education. And she was like, ah, just white kids get drunk in college, black kids go to get an education. And she was like, ah, that's some weird racist shit. And I was like, wait, she was like, we did, all we did was get fucked up at an HBCU. And I was like, for real? Because I watched that video, when you watch that,

don't you see them kind of just having a good time? I don't see booze. I don't see booze anywhere. I just saw like, hell nah, Delta, hell nah, Delta. I loved, I watched, I deep dove that, Tom, for the whole fucking morning. And it cheered me up, ear to ear. It looked like a lot of fun.

It reminded me of like marching bands, you know? Like black marching bands are the shit. They're so much more fun. What's better, a black marching band or a step show? Marching bands are kind of unbeatable. No, step shows? Halftime at an HBCU is unbelievable. Step shows?

I see what you're doing, I get it. Yeah, no. Step shows? What's up, Omega? I got it, but, okay. They're gonna let you in if you keep doing it. I'll pitch it right now. I got nothing.

School's starting. Anyone need a house dad? Maybe that looks really weird. That sounds funny. Yeah. Just drop house. Just saying. Well actually no, that sounds worse.

I feel like, does anyone need a dad? I know culturally how that adds up. I just drooled. I just drooled. I just drooled. I just drooled. I just drooled. Horrible. Yeah. So I would love to fuck it. I would love to be like a, like a frat dad where like I go in and I just have,

I like organize stuff and pay for stuff and yeah. I mean, you're off tour. Are you glad to be off tour? I'm not, I'm still working like crazy. Yeah, but you're not touring. Like does that. I gotta be honest with you, I miss touring. I'd rather be touring.

I don't like any of the other stuff. I like touring more than anything. I actually look at people on tour and I get jealous and sad that I'm not on tour. I see that. Because I'm so much healthier on tour. You are healthier? Dude, I am so much healthier.

I thought that would be where you're not healthier. No, everything's dialed in. I never have a drink before fucking like 10.30. At night? Yeah, cause I'm working. If I'm doing standup, I'll have my drink at the end of the show or when I get off and sometimes I don't even drink after the show,

smoke a little weed, get in the bed, listen to a fucking documentary on tarpon fishing and I'm out. And then now I get in the bed, listen to a fucking documentary on tarpon fishing, and I'm out. And then, and then now I get like in Hawaii, all I did was go like, so I remember like casually going, what time's the bar open? And they're like, 1130. And I was like, where would someone get a drink if they wanted to get a drink before 1130? And they're like, I don't know. We have a we have a mini mart in there. And they're like, I don't know. We have a mini mart in there,

you can get like a little bottle of vodka. And I was like, no, just saying like, I'm done. I've just got done surfing, I just worked out. Like what, I got nothing left to do today, but drink and smoke weed. Planning ahead is crucial in life, especially when it comes to what happens when you're gone. Getting life insurance may sound daunting,

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We were just, oh my God, it does taste phenomenal. We were just in Hawaii and we were having a great time and we were having drinks during the afternoon. And literally Ann said to me, we need a liquid IV. Ran to the gift store at this place we're staying, bought all their liquid IV and we kept them for our trip to Alabama. They are a must, I'm telling you.

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I brought so much weed to Hawaii. Because what I start doing is I start going like... Did you declare it on the agricultural checklist? Do you know Whitney did that? She did? Going into Canada, we're walking, we get off the plane, and I was like, hey, does anyone have weed? Because I don't know if it's legal

In Edmonton or wherever we were and Whitney's like I have gummies and I have some dog walkers I have some joints and I was like cool. So we go in it's me stuff told if I'm Whitney we go into customs They put up the little signs and Whitney says what do we put if we do have weed and I went what are you doing? and and and the guys are good? And she was like, yeah. And she declared her marijuana. They took her into a room. I was like, why would you? We all have a vape pen or something.

Don't declare it. You just fucking go through it. If they find it, you go, oh, I can't believe that's in this bag. Yeah. And then she declared it. They brought her in a different room. She gave them the gummies.

She kept a joint. I don't know why she didn't tell them about the joint. She gave them the gummies and then they let her go. They were like, cool, thanks for declaring it. Oh my God, that's better than when they found a fucking half a pound of weed on my bus there. Tell me that story again, tell me that story again. I wasn't there.

Your bus driver, he was like, and he had a colonies or something? He got cuffed, he got cuffed and they're like, you're going to jail. This is trafficking. No. Yeah, because what it was is in the bus, you know how you do venues and a lot of times people are like, here's fucking some barbecue sauce. And you're like, great. And you know, here's some hats. And you're like, thank you. And apple cider. And they give you stuff and you just,

you start collecting it. Like it's rude to leave it. So you just go, I will definitely enjoy this. And so you bring it on the bus and you just throw it into a fucking closet. And when I did LA, because it's LA, somebody had given us tons of weed, but I didn't ever like grasp it because it was one of the high-end companies that like the the you know I mean like the vacuum sealed pouches are have designs on it. You're like I thought these were like new chips or some shit

you know, like like they have like colors and flavors and I just was like thank you and it was a basket of like 20 different bags jars and it was all weed. And I just like threw it in a closet and I didn't even know it was there. I didn't even know. I swear to didn't know it was there. So we're touring with it going everywhere and then I'll like, yeah, we'll meet you in Vancouver or whatever. See you there next week. And then I get the call. They're like, he's been cuffed. And then they're like, this is then when he tells the customs guy, he's like, it's not mine.

The custom guy, they're customs guys. He goes, you're the driver. You're alone. This is yours. And he's like, but he goes, I don't care what you say. That's yours. Everything is yours. Cause it's just you.

Yeah. And then he's just like, and he happens to, he's like, I'm just driving this for a client. Like he's still not saying, and then he goes, who are you driving? And he said my name and he just so happened to say it to a customs guy that was a fan. And then the guy was like, oh, for real? He's like, oh yeah, I'm a big fan.

Uncuffed him and was like, and let him keep it. And goes, just tell him. No. He goes, tell him to finish this shit before you cross the border again. And then walked off. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. He was in a real panic.

The driver was like, hey man, you just almost ruined my life. I was like, yeah, sorry. I got him a gun to make up for it. But. We used to have to take, I was like, yeah, sorry. I got him a gun to make up for it, but. We used to have to take, we used to have to take, Ron would get rent hotel rooms right by the border

to leave his gun. And then we'd have to leave his gun and then I'd put my weed in there. We get a hotel room to leave a stash bunch of shit. Oh really? Yeah. That's some high level stuff. That's cool, thoughtful.

I miss Ron so much. What's he doing now? Still driving? No, he's still driving. He's driving. He just drove, he's cool. Thoughtful. I miss Ron so much. What's he doing now? No, he's still driving. He's driving. He just drove, he's driving. I was just texting him with one of his, oh, he just drove 85 South. Oh. I would, I would pay money to be on that fucking bus.

That'd be a fun bus. The amount of shit talking on that goddamn bus. Oh yeah. Yeah. The last time we went into Canada, I was doing a promo Uh, and we were on the bus and I said I've got all my weed in a bucket in a box and I was like yo canada I'm coming your way and i'm getting rid of all the weed customs. There's no reason to stop me

This is all my weed and then I was like maybe i'll just keep a little bit and then I was like but All my weed is off the bus. You do not need to stop me. Well, I didn't realize that if you call out Canadian customs, people are gonna be like, yo, we need to wait for this guy by the border. So like, so we're driving through it like four in the fucking morning. And we go to go to cross the border and they're like everyone off the bus.

And I get out and the guy's like, man, you put up that video that our supervisor sent that to everyone. He was like, we've been waiting for you. Like we've, we were wondering who was going to get you. And I had told Peter and Kyle, my white Kyle, I had told Kyle, white Kyle, white Kyle to clear the bus off with all the drugs. And these two ninis absolutely did not. No, no, they didn't check everywhere. I said, make sure we're going, I just posted a video calling out customs, make sure they went through that bus with a fine tooth

comb and they didn't catch any vape pen. They missed four blunts. There were, we had weed, we had weed on, we had so many edibles. Peter and Kyle did not catch any of our drugs, but they didn't, they didn't, they were cool. They didn't find it I don't think they I don't think they can find a fake pen to be honest with you And so but what's what's cool is the guys like, you know He had to sit for like an hour and he was like as they went through all our buses and he was like He was like yo, you know you posted that video. We're sorry man We didn't want to have to do this like he's like, you know, we're fans

You got like you do too. Do you know what he did? He was like, just for your problems, for your troubles, here's a bunch of confiscated Cuban cigars. No shit. He gave you a box of Cuban cigars. Dude, that's fucking awesome. Customs can work out. There's also the thing that always blows my mind is that like when you travel like normal,

like you just fly in somewhere, you go through the whole process of like walking through airports and then customs is a whole thing and you declare and you talk to an agent and you talk to another agent and you walk. And then when you're like touring, sometimes we pull in and they're like,

what are you guys doing? We're like, well, we're going to do shows. And they're just like, just go ahead. You're not even gonna look at our passports or anything? And they're like, no, you're good. And you're like, okay, that makes me feel safe, thanks. I brought my stash of weed to Hawaii. I brought like pre-rolls of Blue Dream.

There were like 18 of those. I had roughly, I thought I had roughly five vape pens and then I had edibles of mint edibles those little Kiva mints yeah two milligrams of mint and then I got to Alabama and realized in the back where my computer was there were it was my stash from the last trip so I had three vape pens in there and weed in there and I was like son of a bitch and then I went to go leave it I was like I'm gonna leave it in Alabama and just in there. And I was like, son of a bitch. And then I went to go leave it. I was like, I'm gonna leave it in Alabama and just for the next time I come here.

And I usually do that. I never, but I always bring new stuff anyway. But I went to leave it and someone else in that family smoking weed, I found a bunch of dog walkers. And I was like, huh, interesting. Who else smokes weed in this family? That's pretty cool. Maybe that's the cause of their health problems.

Would you think you'll smoke weed in front of your kids? No, probably not. Ever? I mean, it seems like it's pretty cool. Maybe that's the cause of their health problems. Would you think you'll smoke weed in front of your kids? No, probably not. Ever? I mean, it seems like it's pretty far away for me to say for sure, but I don't think so. Do you smoke in front of your kids? I don't. I don't.

They don't have any clue about that stuff yet. They caught me once. How'd it go? They told on me. Yeah, of course. I was smoking a joint in the backyard thinking I was cool by my fire pit and they came out and I threw it in the fire pit thinking it would catch on fire and it just sat there illuminated.

Like it's a gas fire pit. It just sat there. And then they came out and they're like, wait, are you smoking weed? And I was like, don't tell mom. And they're like, mom. And I was like, you guys bitches, you're grounded. You're gonna get grounded, dad. Do they smoke weed?

Yeah, I think they do. I mean, I don't know, I told, I think so, yeah. I said to, I called out Isla, because I was on my way to Alabama, and I was like, I asked Leanne's cousin Stephanie if she wanted to get high. She went, no. And I said, have you ever smoked pot?

She went, no. And I went, Is you ever smoked pot? She went, no. And I went, Isla has. And Isla was like, dad, do you know what my daughters did the other day, Tom? Coke? No. Oh, what? They asked my body count.

They did? Did you go, and what's yours? I'll tell if you tell me yours. I think they're both at zero. Zero? I'm almost positive they're both at zero. Zero? I'm almost positive they're both at zero. Maybe Georgia, I don't know, but I think they're both at zero. I really think they're both at zero.

Did you tell them? Well, okay, I want to know how you feel about this. Okay. So we're at Leanne's Lake House in Alabama, and they just put up pictures of her grandparents and all the fun times they had at the lake house before this part of the house was built and when they all just lived in granny and pops cabin and they put up all these pictures and I look at one of the pictures and the pictures of Leanne's grandfather and this guy laughing and I said who's the guy and Leanne goes that's my ex-boyfriend. And I was like, why the fuck would they have a picture of him up? She goes, I don't know. And I was like, why would you guys do this? And they're like, I don't know.

It was a memory. He was great, we love him. So I took the picture down and I fucking hid it. So childish. Keep going. I fucked them. And so I was like, this is bullshit. I hid the picture.

And then now there's just a hook. There's a bunch of pictures and a hook with no picture. And so we get into the car and I like goes, that was pretty fucked up. I go, yeah, right? And George was like, yeah, that's really messed up. And then they're like, you know, he was really cute. And I was like, wait, easy.

And they're like, no, he's a good looking guy. They're like, were your ex-girlfriends pretty? I was like, what do you think, I fucked dogs. And they're like, no, he's a good looking guy. They're like, were your ex-girlfriends pretty? I was like, what do you think, are fuck dogs? And they're like, no, I mean, show us a picture of your ex-girlfriend. I was like, well, not now. When I met them, they were hot, you know? How am I gonna pull up now?

And then I like goes, wait, how many girlfriends have you had? I was like, I don't know, like six, seven? And then she looks at me and she goes, wait, what's your body count? And I was like, oh my God. I was like, I don't know, like six, seven. And then she looks at me and she goes, wait, what's your body count? And I was like, oh my God. I was like, are you being serious? And then Georgia starts laughing and she's like,

yeah, what's your body count? And I said, six. And they're like, what? They're like, that's all the people you've had sex with. And I was like, that should seem like a lot to you too. Like, I want you to be like, whoa, how, where did you meet all these people? Yeah, yeah. But they're like, that's it. And they're like, what's mom's body count? And I was like, this conversation's over. Oh my God. And they're like, wait, mom's

got more bodies than you. And I was like, shut the fuck up. And by the way, Leanne's in the front of the car with her dad or dad's deaf. He can't hear anything. So like the two of them are talking and me and the two of us are whispering and I know Leanne can hear what we're talking about. And she's like hold on daddy what what are y'all talking about back there and I was like nothing. Think of some comedy duos who got it done. Key and Peele, Cheech and Chong. What about the perfect duo when it comes to growing your business? That's you and Shopify. Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business from the

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Just to be clear, I'm there for savings, not whatever you think university is for. Get Uber One for students, a membership to save on uber and uber eats with deals this good Everyone wants to be a student join for just 499 a month savings may vary eligibility and member terms apply Do you know her count? Yeah, it's not that much more. So I think it's like eight Okay, but it's definitely higher than mine. Mine's like mine's like Mine look like comes with a story like six and they're like, yeah, did you serve time in prison or something? Yeah. How long were you in the military?

And you're like, what? Did you work for the peace? Are you gay? Yeah, I don't know. That'd be weird to talk about with your kids for sure. Oh, my daughter's, it's weird because Isla leaves for college this week. And Georgia leaves this week and it's over.

My family's over. It's over. It's over. It's over, dude. It's over. You're gonna have grandkids next. No, I don't think so. Although I did ask them if they wanted to have kids.

Yeah. And both of them said they wanted to have kids. And then they you know, and both of them said they wanted to have kids. And then they said, because mom was such an amazing mom, it inspired me to be a parent. And I went, well, what about me? And they're like, you were around. That's the same speech I'm gonna get from my boys. So I can imagine.

They're always just like, mom's the best and I'm like Yeah, but I mean, yeah, what do they say the other night? They were like, I know Julian goes I never want mom to die and Ellis goes yeah mom or dad and then Julian goes yeah mom Right just mom. Just mom. Yeah, cool. They said, I said to Georgia, I was like, what are you thinking about? She goes, when you die, I'm gonna keep your necklace.

And I was like, whoa. I was like, that was what you were just thinking about? And she was like, yeah, what are you thinking about? And I was like, I was hungry. I'm thinking about getting She was like, yeah, what are you thinking about? And I was like, I was hungry. I was thinking about getting something to eat. Yeah. I think it's so funny. There's things about kids.

She goes, I think I should get it. And I was like, yeah, you should. And it made sense. It's like, Isla would get it, but then never wear it. George would get it, she'd wear it. And she'd think about me. Georgia's very thoughtful. Fucking, it's so funny.

The girls have grown up, and there's so many times where they're young adults, and you see it in them. When you go to eat, you don't see the little kid anymore. When you get on a plane, they're in their own heads. And Georgia, Georgia's such a fucking weird person. I mean, I mean this with love, but she reads, Tom, she'll read a book that no one's heard of and then she'll take notes on the book while she reads it.

She'll read it and then write inside the book with a pen. That's usually what smarter people do. Yeah, I don't understand. The whole through Hawaii I go, what do you like about, what are you thinking? Like these sentences make you think? And she was like, yeah, I get inspired and then I have a thought and I write down my thought. I go, don't you just wanna get done with the fucking book?

She goes, oh, I don't want the book to end. She's like, this is one of the best books, a book about Patti Smythe. I think I was, Patti Smythe, Patti Smith, I don't know, it's a punk rock lady. I don't know, no one's read the book ever. And George is the only one. And so then I was like, yo, can I give you books

that I want you to read and then you tell me about them? She's like, yeah. That's good, that'll be a fun memory for her one day. No, it's good, what I want, I said to her, I'm gonna send you books and then you read the first, first 50 pages is like the most boring shit in the world. And then once you get out of that, that's when you decide if it's a good book.

I'm not going to spend... 50? You'll give it 50? No, me, no. I give it like, I'd never read the prologue. I never read the foreword, any of that shit. It's like, put that... If you want me to read it, call it chapter one.

Call it chapter one, yeah. Yeah, I'm not, don't call it prologue because that looks like fucking homework for me. That's like- How long will you give it before you say, this is some bullshit though, I'm not reading this? I need it to start pretty quick. Yeah, no, I agree.

Yeah, like probably 20 pages, 22 pages. Ryan Holiday said this great thing about that one time because I was telling him about like quitting a book. And he was like, yeah, you should. He goes, you should. If he goes, that's the author's fault. So don't feel bad about quitting one. You quit it if it doesn't grab your attention,

if you don't like it. It's not a good book. That's the author's responsibility. But pick up another one and see if that will, but just stay reading, but don't feel an obligation to finish a book. If you're reading it, it's like anything else. You're eating something, you're like, this sucks.

You don't go, well, I'm just gonna eat fucking all this food. It sucks, just don't eat it. I went, I got James Mishner. Do you know who he is? I don't. Okay. James Mishner is, let me see if I can read a description of him. He is a fiction, a genre bending fiction writer. Wait, very importantly, let me just, I just remembered. Go. I just went on sale with Boston at TD Garden

and Austin at the Moody Center. They're on sale and it's at tomscuro.com slash tour. Get tickets, they're in early 25. Thank you. Oh, that reminded me, I have nothing on sale. The Boston Garden, that's gonna be fun as fuck. That's gonna be fun. So is Moody's gonna be great.

Can't wait. Yeah, Moody, yeah. Home date? That was my last tour. So James Mishner, I just want to explain who he is. Most of his books are fictional family sagas covering the lives of many generations set in geographical locales incorporating detailed history events. So he writes a history book based on characters that he comes up with based on real-life things

that happened in history. Wait, he makes up stuff based on history? He makes up the families. Okay. So like they're not real, but he bases it in real historical moments. So the book is, I like history books, so it's a history book, but kind of like- Did you watch, did you watch Turning Point? Wait, what is that? The nine part docu-series about the Cold War? Yes, I did.

It's fantastic. On Netflix? Yeah. It's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing, dude. It is really. It's fantastic on Netflix. Yeah, it's fucking amazing. It's fucking amazing, dude It's fucking amazing. I didn't realize How good it is it's so well produced and how informative and how much you don't know and then you watch that you're like Oh my god, it's incredible. Sorry keep going about no no no no no I'm I just I just listened to a documentary about

About the Russian the second revolution they had tried to do in 1991 to Mikhail Gorbachev. They had a revolution to get him out of office and try to kill Yeltsin. Yeah, it's covered in the coup, the attempted coup against Gorbachev. That's what I was talking about. That's where I saw it. Yeah. So Mishner writes historical books. This is, okay, so remember this, I'm quitting Zins, okay? And so I start reading this book, Hawaii. So like he does one called The Caribbean, where it's all about the history of the Caribbean.

Really great when you travel to a place to read a Mishner book. I remember when I was a kid, James Mishner died in 1997. He lived in Austin, right? But I remember when I was a kid, my uncle was like, if you're gonna travel, read Mishner because he explains the place you're going to and it gives you the history of that place.

And it's really fun. It makes the traveling, it makes the reading fun because you're there. So I'm like, all right, cool. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna read Hawaii. It's one of his books. I'm gonna read Hawaii, I'm going to Hawaii. I mean, it starts and it starts about the development

of the islands in Hawaii, about these two brothers, one's a king and how they live in Bora Bora but they're getting human sacrifices and they need to get off their island it's really fascinating and then they travel to Hawaii they take the boat to Hawaii they and like they don't have kids like because they just bring men and then all those they make a trip back to Bora Bora and the women are like what do you want us to get you know like pigs or anything and they're like bring back children this place is dead It's like really fascinating, right? Then it talks about the Yale settlers that came out to bring Christianity to the islands.

And then it talks about the Hawaiians. And this is an audiobook, and I'm listening to it in the middle of the night and I'm sleeping. Now. I forget that this book was written in 1956. Okay? Some colorful language? Buddy, when the Hawaiians talked, I woke up laughing hysterically. It was so racist. It was like, me no want no want them. It was so bad.

And I was like, I was like, who the fuck because I forgot that this audio book was this book was written in 1956, right? So I'm like, who the fuck, what? It is so overtly racist, but clearly, you know, the publishers back there were like, sounds right. Oh yeah. Sounds good to me. Island folks, yeah.

I could not stop laughing, and I couldn't listen to the rest of the books. I was like, I can't sit through this. I was like I can't I can't sit through this Nice like I'm I can't take it serious. I forgot. It's a problem. I said to a history guy one time I said, you know, I read some of these books like about Native Americans like one of the ones that Joe recommended Yeah, I was like I was like It doesn't it doesn't like it's not a good look for the Native Americans And he was like you gotta remember a lot of these books written by old racist white men. Yeah, for sure.

And I was like, oh yeah. Yeah, it's a painted a different color, I like it, yeah. This is like my uncle talking, I love this book. By the way, I couldn't begin to guess why this photo is up on the screen. I've been looking at this and I'm like, I'm like, what could you possibly want to tell me? And I'm really, it's like a game I'm playing

in the background of my mind, of like a car and a half parked on a street in front of a, I'm like, okay, what is this? What gender do you think parked that car? What gender? Oh think parked that car? What gender? Oh, now I see. Taking up three spaces. What gender do you think lives in a world where taking up three spaces isn't something

that they'd notice? A female minority? No? She's very white. Okay. I got it halfway right. You got it right. You got it.

It's fucking women. Only women park like this, where they go, huh, what? Yeah, there's not enough, I got you. You can't put a car behind it now because you'll block the driveway and you can't put a car in front of it and the other car because it's too, that's something. We pulled in last night from whatchamacallit.

Yeah. Wait, you know who parked this? Oh yeah, that's Rachel Ardelin. That's one of our employees. Rachel Ardelin parked like that. She parked like that. Just like, oh, here's a spot. I'll take all of them. I'm assuming that you wrote her heart about this, right? Oh, it's on our chat thread right now. That's all anyone's saying. And how did she respond?

I'll tell you. wrote her heart about this, right? Oh, it's on our chat thread right now. That's all anyone's saying. And how did she respond? I'll tell you. That's always interesting to hear the explanation. Her explanation was, I'm a three-girl spot. I'm a three-spot girl. Yeah. It's called, let me not accept responsibility. She said, just to be fair, someone could park in front of me and behind me.

Yeah, those little tiny BMWs that are five feet long. Oh yeah no that's a terrible parking job good call. Yeah the... Shamer, Shamer every day. You should frame this photo. We should. We pulled in from the airport last night and from Alabama and a woman had parked in front of our driveway. Blocked the driveway? Parked in front of our driveway and I was going to lose my shit on her and I had been drinking and I was gonna fucking and she was out she had just parked it and we were pulling in she just had just parked it and my neighbor was cool. He came out and he was like,

yo, you can't park in front of someone's driveway. She was like, oh, I didn't know that was their driveway. I was like, no, that's the indention where it meets the street. That's how you know that's not a curb. That's the driveway. So I didn't see it. I just, I waved somebody down today on a one-way.

He was driving the wrong way on a one-way. It was a black dude. And I go, hey, you're going, this on a one-way. He was driving the wrong way on a one-way. It was a black dude. And I go, hey, you're going, this is a one-way. And he goes, oh, he goes, oh, OK. Like, OK. And I go, yeah, you can turn around right here. He goes, I know how to turn around. And I was like, OK, fucking.

All right. I told you, do you remember me? Did I ever tell you a story about when a famous rapper and gang member lived next door to me, did I ever tell you a story about when a famous rapper and gang member lived next door to me and they blocked our driveway? I remember. Who was it? You can say who it was.

It was YG. Yeah. Yeah. YG was, it was- But if I remember correctly, your wife wanted to be aggressive. Oh yeah. YG has, his buddy gets out of jail and so they're throwing a party for him. And I met all of YG's friends.

One day they were moving a Mercedes, they were getting it put on the back of a flat bed. Flat bed. Flat bread is what you eat. Yeah, flat bed, yeah, I got it. I know you're hungry, it's fucking, it's hungry, it's time to eat. They're putting it on the back of a flat bed. And I was wait, I was out waiting. It was,

hang on. So just to be fair, they were our next door neighbors. And Leanne had called me and told me, I hate when you're, the thing that you have to do isn't cool and it doesn't sound real. Leanne had called me and said, Hey, do you want to go get ice cream? And I was like, I would love to get ice cream. She goes, meet me out front. So I walk out front and they happen to be putting this car in the back of a flatbed in front of my driveway. So it looks like I'm coming to say, can you get out of here?

But it's all YG's guys are there. I don't know if YG was there, but all his boys are. And I was like, hey, what's up? And they're like, we'll be out of here in a second. And I was like, I'm just getting ice cream. And I was like, hey, what's up? And they're like, we'll be out of here in a second. And I was like, I'm just getting ice cream. And they're like, huh? I was like, oh, fuck. I was like, my wife's coming to pick me up.

We're going to get ice cream. And they're like, really? I was like, yeah, yeah. I was like, this is what it's like to be white, man. We go get ice cream. And then I was like- You guys wanna come? And they're like, no, we're I was like you guys like ice cream tell me

get you something to bring some back you like a bowl or a cone yes one sprinkles on it spring bring was still cool man it still work I said to the guy I said I tried to change the subject I go I like this car and the guy goes do you and I like kind of shitty this car. And the guy goes, do you? And I like kind of shitty and I went, yeah. And he goes, you have the same car. And I said, I do? And he said, yeah.

And I said, my car doesn't look like this. He goes, there's a kit on this. We're going to replace the kit. But yeah, you should get your windows tinted. I was when I asked you, should I get my windows tinted? Because he was like, you should get your windows tinted. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, everyone can see you in your car.

I was like, oh, this is a cool car. And then Leanne comes up, fucking this country bumpkin. All these guys are wearing red. She's like, you all going to practice? And I was like, oh, shut the fuck up. You guys got a game today? I was like, Leanne, they're in a gang. Let's go, let's go.

They're gang members, let's go. What? I love red. Shut the fuck up, Leann. And so we get in the car to go get ice cream. So, but I talked to that guy, we were talking about shoes and he was like, yeah, we've got a shoe company. And I was like, dude, I love shoes.

And just bullshitting. I think I followed him on Instagram or he gave me his number and just texted. So then like two nights later, they got a buddy. I remember I was in the hot tub and I texted you. You texted me and you're like, hey man, your neighbor's throwing a party. And you sent out one of the videos

and they were throwing guns and money in the center. A bunch of girls were dancing. And I heard the party from my hot tub. And I was like, wait, there's firearms next door to me right now. Like someone's gonna get out of prison today. I'm in real time. It was a wild moment.

So I go inside and Leanne goes, someone's blocking her driveway. I'm calling tow truck. I was like no no no no no That's why G's friends like those are his buddies. We're not gonna go she goes. He ain't gonna do shit He's a neighbor. He's neighbor. I'm oh, I ain't gonna do shit I was like no why G's not but his guy who is his boy who needs to prove that there's a reason that he's on the payroll, he's gonna come beat us and piss on us. We need to keep, you're fucking, do not, by the way, I go also, he's our neighbor. I was like, and she goes, well then go over and talk to him.

I go, I'm walking over, fucking knocking on the door where they're throwing handguns and money on top of strippers. I'm not gonna, and I was like, god damn it. So I called his buddy and I was like, I was like, hey man, I was like, I don't know if this is one of your people, but there's a car blocking our driveway and whatever.

And he just hits me up immediately. He's like, dude, I'm not at the party, but good looking out, I really appreciate that. I'll get it moved in a second. And then I walked out front and YG came out and he was like, hey man, thank you very much. And I was like, no, of course. walked out front and YG came out and he was like, Hey man, thank you very much. And I was like,

no, of course, got in the car and moved it. And he was like, I'm so sorry. And that was when we were under construction a little bit too, cause you couldn't really, there was a chain link fence across the thing.

So it maybe kind of didn't look like a driveway. And so, and so, but he was really cool. And I was like, that's how you handle it, Leigh Ann, you don't just, and then randomly we're at the fucking Rams game

the next weekend and fucking YG is in the fucking suite next to us. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. I was like, yo. And then they all came over and came over, had a drink. And then one of Leanne's friends called the cops. So it was cool. That's cool.

It's good neighbor stuff, man. Security showed up and they're like, what's going on in here? I was like, they're my friends. And they're like, oh, she got, I didn't know. I just thought too. Okay. I'm sorry. Okay. Sorry. I was like, what the fuck? Usually when I see this much red, I just call them. They were playing the Cardinals that day. Oh, they were playing the Cardinals. And so yeah, it was a good fit. That is nice. That's nice.

Why geez, man, can I tell you, I get obsessed with things very easily. I know this, yeah. Wait, is he still your neighbor? No, no, no, no, no. It's Machine Gun Kelly now, I think. He's your neighbor? Yeah, I think so.

He just bought a new boat. At the house? I saw it today. It's a beautiful fucking boat. He pulls the boat into the house? No, front, front. I think it's Machine Gun Kelly. I don't I saw it today. It's a beautiful fucking boat. He pulls the boat into the house? No. Front... I think it's Machine Gun Kelly. I don't know who it is. It's someone. It's always a huge music artist. There's a studio inside that. Wait, you're just randomly guessing it's Machine Gun Kelly? No, I know it was Machine Gun Kelly. He's been in and out.

But yeah, I don't really like go over and ask for butter or anything, so I don't know who's there right now, but I think it's Machine Gun Kelly and there's a huge fucking truck and he just bought a huge fucking boat and I'm so jealous. Yeah, boats are rad. I'm like, God, man. Dude, boats are fucking... Why don't we ever go out on your boat? We can.

Do you know how to drive it? Yeah, I take it out all the time. No, you don't. Yes, I do. Do you really? Yes. Do you wakeboard or do you wake surf at all? Yeah, I take it out all the time. No you don't. Yes I do. Do you really? Yes. Do you wakeboard or do you wake surf at all? No, I haven't done that. We can do it.

All right. I'm gonna make a trip, because now that I don't have children anymore, I'm gonna make a trip down to Austin and stay for a while. Okay. I'm gonna stay for a while. I'm gonna fucking stay at Shane's house. Do it.

It's empty, right? Probably. Yeah. He's doing stuff. He's in Philly,'s empty, right? Probably. Yeah. He's doing stuff. He's in Philly, I think, right? I don't know. Hey, okay, can I tell you what I'm obsessed with right now? Is it not wherever YG moved to?

I don't know. Were we talking about that? Yeah, you were just saying this. Oh no, no, I was obsessed with YG, but I was obsessed with, he's like a, I don't know, I'm always fascinated when you see the other side of people. Matt McCusker had a video of he posted with him and his son on his lap or his daughter on his lap and he was

reading a book by himself like he was reading a book and it's like taking care of his kid but he was reading and I was like oh wow that's so weird like I can't imagine like being interested in reading something but when you like like I saw a video of YG, like, doing math with his son or his daughter, and he was breaking it down for her, and I was like, oh, I never did that shit. Like, I love when you see...

You never did that? No, man, I did not. You never read a book to one of your kids and was like, here's what this is about? I couldn't. Why not? I'm dyslexic, first of all, so I have a hard time reading, and I was broke then, and so I would be...

Well, wait, you say that, but you also do read like I've seen I know so how do you know? I don't know man. I can do I can do read, you know, I don't know Like I misread I misread I Misread something the other day It's the reason I don't read comments is I misread things and then I get in and out of there and I get angry and then I and then it's not what I read it's not the real thing they wrote I'll misread it yeah and it's so it's I don't know my dyslexia I can read I can read fine and I can read prompter I've got to practice

it I can't do it like I got to do it a couple times you know I'm not good at like on the fly reading like there's dudes like Jake Paul Logan Paul can fucking legit read out loud. That's pretty impressive. Because you don't expect that from him, you know? You don't expect him to be learned. Yeah. You know, you don't expect it like, when you think of their childhood,

you don't think of them like- Mario Lopez. Great out loud reader. Great out loud reader. Great out loud reader. Tom Brokaw. Dude. One of the best-

Tom Brokaw, I just watched a documentary on Dan Rather. Great out loud reader. Also, great out loud reader. A lot of those big time news anchors can pull that off. Yeah, just watched a documentary on Julio Cesar Chavez. And how was that? I didn't realize, I didn't realize, I didn't realize how fucking crazy that was.

Like it's a movie, but it's about his life, so it's not a documentary really. It's a biopic. Yeah. It's a biopic, and dude, it was fucking awesome. He went on a 25 day hunger strike. For what? Grapes.

He just wanted more? No, he didn't want, the Grape Pickers Association, GAAPA, was, they were horrific to the pickers. Yeah, the migrants and everything? The migrant workers, they were horrific to them. They made two dollars a day. And he was like, yo, he's like, honest days work, honest days pay, and they were like,

eh, go back to your country. And he was like, we're American. We're gonna stay here, but we just wanna be compensated. And how do you say strike in Spanish? Huega? Huega? Huega? Huega.

Huega. Huega. Huega. Huega. How do you, how do you say strike in Espanol? Huelga. Huelga. Huelga.

Huelga. Huelga. Juelga. Juelga. Juelga. And it just showed like all the work he did. Like they walked from where they lived. It's like, I'm sure it was like probably like near Modesto or somewhere all the way to Sacramento. Yeah. And like thousands of people,

like it's like one of those marches. His name is everywhere. Oh bro. He's the man. He's like one of those marches. His name is everywhere. Oh, bro. He's the man. He's the man, especially out here. He's the man. He changed the lives for the majority of Mexicans.

He was there Martin Luther King, junior, junior. Right, not senior, I understand. But I get obsessed with things. Can I tell you, so all of a sudden I get obsessed with Julio Cesar, but now I can't stop fucking. Can I tell you, but I'm, and so all of a sudden I get obsessed with Julio Cesar Chavez. Now I can't stop fucking. Am I saying his name right? It was a little off on that time, but go ahead.

Is it just Cesar Chavez? Cheez-a? Cheez-a? Cheez-a. Cheez-a Chavez. I get so excited about talking, I don't say the words right sometimes. Okay, Julio Cesar Chavez is the boxer.

No, wait. Where's Cesar Chavez is the boxer. No, wait, where's Cesar Chavez? Ah, fuck me, I've been doing research on Julio Cesar Chavez. Yeah, this is who you were thinking of. No, I watched a documentary on Cesar Chavez and then started doing research on Julio Cesar Chavez. What is it?

I was like, wow, these are two different stories almost. Yeah. Yeah. But my favorite thing right now about the internet, because we got into a thing, me and you were talking, me and you and Joe and Ari were talking about how social media can, how one day they're gonna look back

and go, this is as bad as the opioid crisis. This is so bad for mental health. Terrible. I mean, it's, I wish we could get in exact details because that would be so juicy. There's gonna be, there are just countless stories already about how it has destroyed people. If you just look at plastic surgery alone,

of young ladies who don't need plastic surgery, getting plastic surgery to keep up with what they see on social media, that is heartbreaking, fucking heartbreaking. And then every once in a while you also meet people, that's the other thing I've realized, you meet people sometimes who have zero social media presence like through a conversation,

like they're just like, I don't have any of that. And you just realize how well adjusted they are, like how much healthier they are mentally and emotionally. Like you can pick it up quickly. You're like, oh, you mean you're not shooting up? You're not taking the poison? Because it is, I think it is a poison. The girls, when we were in Hawaii,

they looked at my screen time and my screen, and this is when when I was quitting sins also my screen time was 18 hours a day It's pretty aggressive yeah, because what it is is I'm on my phone eight roughly 18 hours a day. No, there's cheek I tried to defend it and go I do listen to podcasts while I sleep So that that counts as while I'm sleeping. And they go still dad, even if you've slept for 10 hours, there's still eight hours you're on your phone. Like on your fucking phone, eight hours. And I don't use Instagram, I'm not Instagramming

anything about me or comedy. I'm looking at things I'm interested in. So like it does distract me, but at the same time, when you meet someone who doesn't have social media, you're like oh, you're like a throwback human. Like it does distract me, but at the same time, when you meet someone who doesn't have social media, you're like, oh, you're like a throwback human. Yeah, totally, totally. I think it distorts people's reality.

It fucks up people's self-esteem. People get lost in the attention, approval of it all. And yeah, I think it fucks with people big time. It really does. And it also, like to your point about time, I mean, it can just suck away life. Like if somebody is really spending that much time day after day after day, then they're not involved in real life, right?

Like they're just like, they're living in this thing and they jump into the real world and that's the thing sometimes you can experience as you go like, you get obsessed on something in social media, then you they jump into the real world. And that's the thing sometimes you can experience as you go, like you get obsessed on something in social media, then you go out in the real world and you're like, this is not what's actually happening. I'm in this matrix, this crazy place where this is not really happening.

It's not positive. It's not positive and it's not, you know, it's like only to touch on it for a second, but there was a clip I sent to you of Mark Maron and Bobby Lee talking about Maron having contrived beef with me. It wasn't real beef. We were talking about Dave Chappelle.

People thought he was talking about me. I've talked to Maron about this. I talked about him in January. We're fine. But you know, but what's crazy about it, what's crazy is both Kalyla and Bobby, and it was hard to compartmentalize because I went through it. Like I went through people sending me the clip

and going, yo, he's talking about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went through it and bummed me out, but both Bobby and Kaleila in that clip are like, yeah, I remember it, that was awesome. Yeah, they're like, it's exciting, it was fun, yeah. And it's so crazy that- And here's the thing, that's how most people feel.

Because it's like, you're kinda like, it's like a modern day form of gossip. Like seeing a clip where somebody is talking about somebody you know, or you think they're talking about somebody you know, and it does be, people do get excited by that, because we've shared clips of other people. You know what I mean?

And you go like, oh no shit. So I mean, I get it. It is like a, it's like a version of a reality show. You're like, oh my God, you see this person say this? And then people get like, yeah, they get some type of rush from that whole thing, for sure. It's gossip. It's so wild because it does affect you.

It affects you, where like when that was happening, I was like, I was really bummed out. And I was with you the day Marin called me. Or I called Marin, Marin called me, or I called, we were together in Las Vegas. Oh, were we? Yeah, and I was like, dude, did you see this? And then I go, we were at the gym,

and I was walking back from the gym and I got back to the room and Marin called me and I was like, and then, and then by the way, it didn't get better because I'm friends with Chappelle. So I'm like, well, okay, cool. I can never share this story. I can never defend myself about this.

I just gotta let it sit and ripen where everyone thinks that you're shitting on me for doing arenas. And so I was like, I'm not gonna go, guys, he's actually talking about David. And then Marin said it, I was like, I'm not gonna go, guys, he's actually talking about David's, and then Marin said it, I was like, I can't believe you said that, I don't know why, but whatever, Mark's Mark, you know?

And I love Mark, I don't have any, but it sucks when it's like, it's you. Here's the crazy part, right? Is like, I've been sending you clips of the, my favorite accounts on the internet or on Instagram I've been sending you clips of the, my favorite accounts on the internet or on Instagram are hateful comment sections.

The comment sections where if it was you, it would hurt so bad. But when it's not you, it's hysterical. And I don't read comments because it does affect me. Like it does, I will, it'll bum me out that someone will go, this fat fuck, all he does is take his shirt off. Like it's like the dumbest, the dumbest slam

that is inaccurate to me is like, he's not funny, he never was funny. I go, I had to be a little funny. Like, are we gonna, never? Like, can you really say never? Can you really say never? I wanna sit that guy aside and go, never. I've never made you laugh, never, never? Like, can you really say never? Can you really say never? I wanna sit that guy aside and go, never. I've never made you laugh.

Never, never. Can I give you this? How'd I make you this angry? Yeah, how did I make you so angry? Like, can we work on us together? Can we get into couples therapy and figure out why you hate me and what I'm doing to make you hate me?

I have so much disdain come at me from people with little to no means. And it's just like a constant fucking barrage of just like, I'm so poor, I can't relate to anything you say. And I'm just like, okay, I don't know what to tell you. I donate to charities. Like something positive has to come out of this, but it's constant. It's constant. Well, you know, it's so funny when when Juvenile got kicked off the plane. Yeah, what happened there? I don't understand this.

So, okay, it happened to me one time. So, Juvie the Great. Juvie the Great, by the way, 48 years old. He's on a flight, American Airlines flight, and the clip is him in first class, just to like paint this picture, it's him in first class, and he's like, they're trying to kick me off this flight, and you're like, wait, what?

And then you see the pilot go, yeah, you need to go back to economy, go to coach. You're like, what are you talking about? And so like the only things that come to mind are, because at first you go, people get kicked off of flights and it's usually for like erratic behavior, but they're not like go to coach. They're like, get off the plane.

But this is pretty clearly go back to economy. And so I'm like, wait a minute, are you saying he's in the wrong seat? Like he doesn't have the right seat? Or are you saying, I know you have this seat, but we're kicking you back there. And it's not clear from the story. As someone that's happened to, it's happened to me. And, and what happens is, I guarantee you it was a 767 that they had, I can almost tell you,

I can guess the plane. It was maybe it was 757 or it was 767 and they downgraded it to an MD-80 or a 737 where there are less first class seats. And so in doing that, they then go by priority of how often you fly, how much you paid for your ticket and you get to maintain your first class seats. And then people who have a discounted first class ticket or less priority, you've got to sit and coach. It happened to me an American, I bought like a T class first first class ticket. It was a cheap first class ticket. I bought it, it was like first

class for 600 bucks. I was like, I'm in. It's normally like 13. This explanation alone? Yeah. It's infuriating. Well actually it's infuriating that this can happen, but I think it's also informative. If somebody would go, it's a very confusing world, how it works. Here's what happens. So if you don't check in, if you don't know that this is happening and you still have your ticket and they let you on the plane, you still have a ticket that says you can fly on this flight and you're at 1C.

And so you'll go sit in 1C and then they'll go oh shit we didn't we should have issued you a new ticket and we should have discussed this they should have discussed this with them at the counter they did it to me on the plane and I lost my shit they told you were getting booted they moved me from first class to coach in a middle seat and I was like I got so livid and I called Delta and I tried to explain to the lady, listen, we're both not rich.

Like me and you are not rich. If you were in first class and they moved you, and she was like, sir, there's nothing I can tell you other than there was a, we had to change planes, we had to do that. That was the only other option you have. They should have had this conversation with him out at the gate.

Instead, he got on the plane and they sat down and they had to have it with him on the thing. And I don't think Juvi was in a place to hear, and I wasn't, I wasn't when it happened to me. And so that's what happened. He's talked to American Airlines since, I've been following it, but the reason I sent it to you, Tommy,

this is what made me laugh so hard. The fucking, the title of it is is Oh It's from Kevin Clancy, that's why I said that oh My god, it's from Kevin fucking Clancy. I thought I thought the news. I thought the news clip was, you're gonna make me fly with the pores. And I thought it was fucking, I thought it was on like CNN and I was like, wait, you're gonna make me fly

with the pores and I go, did Juvie say that? And it's probably Kevin just making fun of you saying that. Probably. Which by the way, I fly with the Pours too. I'm a regular guy, I'm with Pours all the time. I take the bus, I ride a bike. I don't know what else to tell you, man. Pours are so mad at me.

Who's your favorite designer? Designer? What do you mean? Look at you guys, don't even know about that, huh? I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not fucking know. I drive a fucking 96 Corolla. I don't fucking know what to tell you, man. I've never been into fashion, per se. I want to get back to where we were going on this. I've never been into fashion. There's only one dude I like in fashion.

There's only one guy, and it's just because of his T-shirts. I love his T-shirts. Is it James Purse? It's James fucking Purse. This is my favorite because everyone always like hits me up about being an unrelatable wealthy guy which is fucking ridiculous to me but then there was the time that you first talked about James purse and you went off how much you love it and

then everybody was like oh yeah really they all looked up his shirts and they were like you know real relatable Bert this fucking $100 t-shirts. It's a $75 t-shirt, but they're so fucking awesome and they're so fucking comfortable and you look good in them. I love them. I love all his clothes. I love everything about him.

Are you wearing it right now? Is that him? Yeah, of course, of course. He's JP. JP, my dog JP. And so. go to the website, go to the website. Let's, um, Oh, the website's insane. And by the way, this is next level, next level, cause he has houses, guys, all I want you to do, please just give me one favor. No, do not. Please do. Hold on. You haven't told you the whole story. Just remember, no, I'm getting chill bumps. This is You haven't told you the whole story. Tom, I haven't told you the whole story.

Just remember. No, I'm getting chill bumps. This is Burt's favorite stuff and he hopes that you enjoy it too. Keep going. Okay. Okay. He does a Grateful Dead collab that they have in Vegas

and I fuck in. So, wait, scroll up, scroll up, scroll up. See on the left there, it says best sellers classics and then t-shirts. Hit up t-shirts on the left. No, scroll back down. T-shirts. Okay,, no, scroll back down. T-shirts. Okay, go ahead.

Go ahead. It's a $195 T-shirt. Oh yeah, cool. But it titled it Lux, so you know it's gonna be expensive. Bird's favorite. By the way, I don't buy all James Burson's. No, of course not. I find that.

So tell me, tell me about, so he is a grateful dad. I don't want to tell the rest. You got to tell it. There's a Grateful Dead collab. You're in Vegas. This is already going bad. And then do you go to, is there like a pop-up or there's a store there? Well, they go, we go to, there's a pop-up in Vegas.

There's a James Burr store in Vegas across street from the sphere. And then there's a Grateful Dead collab that he's done with the Grateful Dead that are cool fucking shirts. They are expensive, but like, we don't like go and buy everything, but I bought like three shirts. I definitely bought three shirts.

They're fucking cool. And so I'm like, yo, I go, can I shoot a video in here? And they're like, yeah, so I do a video. Everything he does. By the way, everything he does, he's just a video in here? And they're like, yeah, so I do a video. Everything he does. By the way, everything he does, he's just a cool dude, and he's my age, he's my age. I go, I wanna be friends with this fucking guy. I tell the people in the store,

I go, I wanna be friends with this fucking guy. He has, you know what else he does? He's like, he's like, oh, that's a nice sweater. How much is that? I didn't get the sweater, Tom. Okay, okay, okay. It's... I didn't get the hat either, the hat didn't fit me.

Okay, what'd you get? I just bought T-shirts. Oh, just T-shirts. And no, I don't even the hat either, the hat didn't fit me. Okay, what'd you get? I just bought t-shirts. Oh, just t-shirts. No, I don't even know how they were. I'm not sure where they were. Okay, so you tell them, I want to be friends with JP. Do they set that up? Do they hook you up?

So I post a video, just he's so cool. He's got like a house in Malibu that he rents out. Like he rents, like he has properties that he rents out that you think That you could go to I couldn't I mean I I mean I'm not gonna go to the one of the houses But I think they're pretty expensive, but I'm like I want to be friends with this guy So I kind of post a video in here and they're like yeah And then we go to fucking Hawaii and in a turtle Bay They've got James Per shit there and I'm like, oh man, I fuck everything. Everything he has is cool as shit

It is very cool. It is very cool and I buy like, oh man, everything he has is cool as shit. It is very cool, it is very cool. And I buy a monochromatic linen outfit and I put it on and I look good and I feel good and yes it was pricey and I fucking feel good and I'm ready to go to dinner and Leanne looks at her phone, she goes, oh my God, I just got a text from James Purse. No.

I was like, you're fucking kidding me. She's like, hey Leanne, it's James. I've been traveling out of the country or whatever, but I just heard that, you know, Burt's a big fan, I'd love to do the podcast, whatever. And I'm like, Tom, the only other person I've geeked out like this for was when The Rock texted me Yeah, and I was like the fucking Rock James is very cool. He's He's but he's just a cool fucking dude. So is he gonna do the podcast? He's gonna do the podcast

Yeah, I'm gonna fucking I'm do the podcast. Maybe I'm gonna be a guest bear. That would be awesome. Yeah, I would fly in for that Okay. Yeah, let's do a guest bear I he's but we know we're gonna get him to swag us out and I was like, yo, let's do a guest pair. But we know we're gonna get him to swag us out. And I was like, yo, let's do collabs with James Purse. We gotta like lower the price point a tad bit, but to fucking, because his merch is sick. Oh, he's great, he's great. He's a badass dude.

He's gorgeous too. Pull up a picture of James Purse. Okay. It's so funny, I went surfing with Leanne in Hawaii, and I thought, that's crazy. Like if I had known I was gonna spend this much time with someone I might have a dude Okay, yeah There is he's just a cool fucking guy. Look at those teeth. Nice teeth. Yeah, who see what his worth is. No Jesus

What uh, yeah, I went surfing with Leanne. Leanne went surfing, surfing. How was that? She, it was really fucking cool. Could $250 million? Yeah, I think it's working out. You bought, it's probably fucking half of it's from you. Um, what a. She, I said it, I said it, I, the first day we go surfing with the girls and it was, it's small, but it was fun and everyone got up and I got on a big board and I got up like every time rode them all to the shore, had a great time. Girls had fun.

I was like, this is it. And I was like, what? She's like, you just ride it to the shore and then you got to paddle back. And I was like, yeah. She was like, they don't have someone that can bring you back out for you? And I was like, no, part of the fun is paddling. It gets good to work out. She was like, I like snowboarding better. And I was like, okay. And so I was like, I don't wanna surf again.

And George was like, neither do I. She's like, you guys seem to be really into it. You guys go surfing. And so me and Leanne went surfing the next day and then we went another day and then on the last day, we're flying that day. And then they're like, yo, the waves are going to be really big today. And we're like, really? And they're like, you definitely want to come out. And so we're like, all right, we'll surf before our flight. So Leanne and I went out like buddies, like two friends. I kept thinking, I kept thinking, I'm supposed

to be doing this with Tom, not with a chick, right? Right, right. You're surfing, you're not, this isn't like wife shit, this is your boys, like, this is like, what if Leanne learned how to play golf, then, you know, like, but I'm out there with Leanne and we're surfing and she is loving it and she's good and she's great and then the guys to me are like,

yo, you wanna challenge yourself a little bit? I was like, yeah, cause I'd already done pretty good and they're like, we'll put you on this board. And it was a little smaller than I was normal. I mean, in paddling, I was kind of swirly. And then I got up and I was riding down the face of the wave, like riding the way a surfer would just instead of like going straight with it all the way ashore. I was like riding it and walking up the board a little bit and walking back. I was having so much fucking fun. And I got done. And I was like, it was like, it was like, you know, I could be married to this person.

Like I could be married to this person with my kids out of the house. Cause Leanne had so much fun and then Leanne was in her feelings and she broke us off. She was like, this is who I am. This is who I am. You guys, you guys say I'm fire hosing you? This is who I am.

I'm that, I gotta get up and do shit. And just in both George and I were like, what the fuck do we do? So did she enjoy the surfing though? She loved it? She loved it. That's cool. She loved it.

That's cool. She loved it, yeah. Yeah, right, before we wrap, should we plug these things we're doing? We got a couple lives coming up. Well, we're things we're doing. We got we got a couple lives coming up. Well, we're doing a Doing a bottle signing we fly to Jacksonville no, what we're in Orlando. We're doing the bottle signing. It's gonna be on the 20th, right?

Yeah, September 20th, we are in Orlando. Do you want to go wakeboarding with Parks Bonifay? No. So, no, I got my boys with me and it's going to be a whole thing. You got any boys with you in Orlando? Well, we'll be down in Vero. OK. Anyway. Are you bringing your sisters to the bottle signing?

I wasn't planning on it. Can you bring your sisters to the bottle signing? You want them to come to the bottle signing? Fuck yes. I'll invite them, sure. Fuck yes. I don't know, we'll post about it, but anyway. That's that, man.

Awesome. That's it, all right. All right, I'm gonna go take kids to college. All right, yeah, have fun with that. Yeah. All right. My life's over. Just me and surfing with a 54 year old woman. I'm gonna go take kids to college. All right, yeah, have fun with that. Yeah. All right. My life's over. Just me and surfing with a 54 year old woman. Sounds like you enjoy it.

Hey, get a group text going with me and JP and you. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I think you'd like his clothes. I'd like to try it. All right. I love you. Bye guys, I love you. Bye.