2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bert HIJACKED The Emmys Party | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: September 30, 2024

Get tickets for Tom's show at Madison Square Garden at https://tomsegura.com/tour SPONSORS: Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Head to https://www.liquidiv.com and use code CAVE at checkout. Tune in to the NASCAR Cup Series race on Sunday, October 6th at 2 PM Eastern on NBC. Check out the schedule here: https://www.nascar.com/nascar-cup-series/2024/schedule/?cid=_SC_TP_WL_2B1CAMS_230202 Visit https://Babbel.com/BEARS to get up to 60% off. Welcome back to 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer got a lot of subjects to cover, including, the Emmy's, Bert's ability to make celebrities uncomfortable at parties, the most handsome 9/11 highjacker, self-loathing, and being a good listener. The Bears also debate an interesting "would you rather" question about death, talk about Shannon Sharpe and his alleged accidental live video, the dirty talk LeeAnn indulges in behind closed bedroom doors, and some comedy club talk. Plus Tommy and Berty brainstorm some fun stuff to chat about next week. Always two steps ahead. Check it out! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 256 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Attention New York City! I'm bringing my come together tour to Madison Square Garden on Saturday, March 29th, 2025. Tickets and all upcoming tour dates at tomscura.com slash tour. Welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. I'm Tom and I'm here with the grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, Bert Kreischer. Felt fun to do a little throwback. How you doing, Bert? I was called a racist last night. In person?

In person. Who? A notable person? No, no. It was this dude at the Emmys party. We went to the Netflix Emmys party and I met this guy who's, I don't know the right way to do this, but he's a Latino dude and someone introduced us and I said, hey, how you doing? He's like, pretty good.

And I said, hey, do you speak Spanish? Cause I wanted to talk about this music that I'm into called Narco Cridos. And I go, do you speak Spanish? And he goes, yeah, English too. And I went, okay. I was like, what the fuck? How did I get into this?

I see, one of those guys. And I was like, motherfucker. And then I was like, no, I know, I was, and he was like, yeah, I was born in dot dot dot, but I grew up in LA. And I was like, okay, and then I was like, and then I noticed he has a little bit of an accent, so maybe I guess he's, I don't know,

but I was like, motherfucker, now I'm on my heels the entire time, and I just wanted to talk to you about Narco Corridos. And go, and I just wanted to connect. And now I'm a fucking asshole. But, so yeah, it's fun to. You're into Narco Corridos? Do you know it?

Yeah, sure. It's very popular. Dude, it's fucking awesome. Now here's the interesting thing, Tom. I can't tell if I'm into Narco Coridos or just Coridos. Because I don't know what they're saying. Well, yeah, it would definitely change some of the fucking music for you

if you knew what they were saying. But I mean, explain to people who don't know, do you know like what these are? Okay, so Narco Coridos is Coridos music, but sang about the cartels. And so it's very specific. I mean, from what I understand, and I can't understand the music,

so I don't speak Spanish, but from what I understand, a lot of Narco Querido singers have been murdered by cartels. This is true, and also, a lot of guy, a lot of Narco Traficantes, a lot of the actual guys doing this, will, sometimes even if they want a song about them, they'll just go to the artists, pay the artists, make a song about me.

No, I didn't know that. Here's 80 grand. Make a bad ass song about how I don't, you can't fuck with me. Then they'll be like, you got it. And then they'll make a song about that guy. That's so fucking awesome. Yeah. So I got into it because there's this one guy who's friends with Tupac who got murdered in like 1993. And the cartels came up to him right before he show.

They handed him a note. And they're like, you sing this song, and we kidnap you and we kill you. Do not sing this song anymore. Because apparently they're like very specific about dates and places and people's names. Yeah, they'll say everything. It is gangster hip hop on steroids.

It's way other level. Yeah, yeah, it's not like ours here. It's names and places and like, remember when you drove up to the bus stop and you saw the foot hanging from the overpass? That was me. It's real specific. It's super specific.

But for whatever reason, I really enjoy the rhythm of it and I don't know why, but I get excited when I catch a word I know. Like, pobrecito. You know? You're like, yeah, I got it, yeah. I go, oh, there's a little poor boy on the bus. Yeah, yeah.

And, but I've fucking been, I've been fascinated by it. It's all I've been listening to. That's interesting. Yeah, I don't know what it is. Is it the accordion that I'm liking? The, it's the best way to pull up to fucking valet. Yeah. Playing narco queridos and they're like, whoa. One might accuse you of racism there. Let me ask you about the other, um, uh, what about the, uh,

Emmy part. I mean, I, you know what? I didn't realize I did. You're gonna, you're gonna laugh at this cause you know me. What? I mean, I, you know what I didn't realize I did? You're gonna laugh at this cause you know me. So WME, the agency that I'm with, sent me an Emmy invitation to their party. This is like a few weeks ago. And it says like, you know, we would like to blah, blah, blah, and so I wrote back in all caps, hard pass. And I didn't realize that I had CC'd the company.

So like everybody saw me write hard fucking pass. And I just got like a hundred replies of people laughing and people being like, got it. And I was like, oh shit, I thought I was replying to my agent's assistant. I was like, who would want to go to this fucking bullshit? So, but I'm curious, like, yeah, because to me, I mean, I also know that we approach going out differently, but to me, it sounds like a goddamn nightmare to go to

one of those. What is it actually like? It is really fascinating. It really is fascinating because there's a little bit of ego death in it because you realize, first of all, it's all celebrating the people getting nominated and winning Emmys. So it's not, like even as famous you may be if you're not in that game, and then you watch people, like I mean, honestly, I was writing down jokes all weekend just about personality traits. What's really wild, and I'm not shitting on them, I would probably do the same thing,

but I'm just gonna say, people show up to the Emmys with their Emmy who won it two days ago. So like Grips who won an Emmy, they bring it with them to the party. Like they got it two days ago at the Grip Emmys and they all got them. At the Grip Emmys, yes. Or whatever the fuck it is.

So for people, hold on, for people that don't know, they give away the Emmys basically on separate days. There's the televised portion that gives away, there's the one, yeah, usually that's the one where you see like best actor, best writer and all this. And then they have another field of categories. They don't have time to air them all on television. So they host a separate one where they'll give it out

for other, you know, categories. Yeah, yes. Best guy that made it sound like it was raining. Yeah, all those guys, yeah. But those guys all show up with their actual Emmys. They bring their Emmy with they. I find a hard time even considering that you wouldn't have it with you.

Well, first of all, I'd never be in that category. Like, okay, so there's two parts. No, yeah, so I'm gonna be in the front, the big face Emmys. So like, like when I win an Emmy, by the way, I'll be insufferable. I'll be insufferable.

I can't even begin to imagine. Wait, hold on. There's a lot to unpack here. You might have it like attached to a chain that you have made, so that it's actually a medallion that hangs from your neck. They're big, they're big as fuck. They're big.

They're big. I saw a couple of grips walking in with their Emmys. And, cause it was funny, the Emmys wasn't over yet. And I was at Cotty's party. So there were three parties I went to. I went to UTA's party. I went to Netflix's party. Oh my God.

And then Cotty, Cotty, my sister Cotty, runs events at Disney. She does the Emmys party, she does the Emmys party. So she's throwing a party for Disney, so I go to hers, because it's my little sister. So, okay. Is this why you had a suit on? Yeah, I had two suits.

I wore our two-bear suit to the UTA party, and then I wore a slick ass black suit last night. Oh, this is a separate night? Yeah, two nights. I was gonna say, if you change suits on the same night, I don't fucking know you anymore. No. So, okay.

By the way, my suit still fits. That's good. Yeah, I know. I was just like, I was shocked. Because I feel like, I'm only 235. I haven't gained any weight. I just just like, I was shocked. Cause I was like, I feel like I'm only 235. I haven't gained any weight. I just, I feel like I'm fat as fuck. So, so UTA party, I show up and I've done this twice

and I really regret that I do it cause all my pictures look suspect. I brought my own drink and I have a, so I have a fucking, I have this with me through the entire Styrofoam cup? Styrofoam 32 ounce cup full of vodka. So every picture, everyone thinks I'm drinking lean. And so, Timmy the Oliphant goes, are you drinking lean?

And I was like, no. I was like, it's my own vodka. And he was like, it looks like you're drinking lean. By the way, Leanne lost her shit over Tim the Oliphant. He's perfect, dude. He is so good looking. His hair is perfect. It's like the perfect, dude. He is so good looking. His hair is perfect. It's like the perfect color gray.

And he, yeah, put Timothy Oliphant. Type in Timothy Oliphant and Bert Kreischer. See if the picture of us is up. Oh, this would be very important. Let's get it up. I don't know. Oh, that's Leanne and Timothy Oliphant. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. Leanne at the party? Yeah, that was at the partyiphant. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Leanne at the party? Yeah, that was at the party. Okay, oh, there you are. Yeah. Yeah, he's a handsome guy. Dude, he's a good looking guy and he wears a suit well and there I am with a glass of lean and my gold teeth.

Fuck, I'm a mess. Anyway, it's interesting because I'm the wrong person for these parties, because I do get overwhelmed by celebrity. I do. You so get overwhelmed. You might be the, you might as well just be like from a small town

in fucking Iowa, the way that you meet celebrities. It's un-fucking real. You shake and you're like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, and then you're like, you're so good, you're so good. You actually blew me away with your performance. Listen to this. I'm gonna just play this and you're gonna hear the.

You have it recorded? This is my worst one. Okay, you ready? Ready to the mouth. Yeah. What's that gonna be? Yeah. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Ron Howard, you gotta try this. You don't just put it right in your mouth. I freaked Ron Howard the fuck out. I have so much anxiety listening to your clip. Uh. T.D., Tutti, in for six. Touchdowns matter more at DraftKings Sportsbook, an official Sportsbook partner of the NFL. We don't care how they score them, we want to bet on touchdowns.

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Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code word, CAVE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to liquidiv.com and use the code word CAVE at checkout. That's 20% off your first order when you shop better hydration today using promo code CAVE at liquidiv.com. Ron Howard. Which party was that? That's the Disney one. The Disney one was pretty fucking sick.

Don't let me forget to tell you about the Netflix one because that is the funnest. That was the wildest party. And hang on. So Disney is Cotty's party. UTA was great. We hung out with Tim and The Oliphant the whole time. And these are separate nights? Thursday or Friday and Sunday or Saturday and I don't know whatever Friday and Sunday Friday and Sunday. Okay. So UTA one was a blast but I just saw my agent and we hung out with Tim and The Oliphant because Leanne's a huge fan of Deadwood and so she's in love with Tim and The Oliphant. So the whole time we just hung out with him Oliphant because Leanne's a huge fan of Deadwood. And so she's in love with Timothy Oliphant.

So the whole time we just hung out with him and he was so fucking cool, so fucking cool, so fucking cool. And so we had a great time. We got hammered and came home. We go to the Disney one. Ron Howard is by himself. He has no assistance, no security.

He's by himself, like on his phone, like typing in things, but by himself, just hanging out. I see him and I'm like, God, it's fucking Ron Howard. And he's like, and then he kind of like looks up and he sees me and he smiles. And I was like, yeah, and Leanne goes, you took a general meeting with him one time. And I was like, did I? I have no recollection of it.

That's why I was like, as soon as she said that I went, so why do I get so freaked out over celebrity when I don't remember meeting them? Like I don't remember, I was like, as soon as she said that I went, so why do I get so freaked out over celebrity when I don't remember meeting them? Like I don't remember, I never remember, I have no recollection of meeting Ron Howard, but I took a general meeting with him one time. But I see him, then I go, I got so excited. So we go over Adam Perry, Adam Perry Lang,

is like big barbecue chef, big friend to Jimmy Kimmel, and he's got a whole setup. The Disney one was sick. The Disney one had to cost like $20 million. It was so fucking sick. Bob Iger is there. Let me tell you something. Bob Iger is a fucking stud.

He is the definition of a fucking stud. He is 6'1". He is jacked. He is 73 and he's worth a Billion dollars and he smells like it Bob Iger is a fucking stud Tom I only didn't lose my shit on Bob Iger because I was afraid it cost my sister her job Yeah, Bob Iger walked in the room and my dick got hard. That'd be so funny if she called I got fired today I got fired today. You're like, oh really? Yeah, I don't know what happened.

Dude, Bob Iger walk, he carries himself with an air, like an air of just intensity. I mean, he walked in, dude, I watched him walk by huge celebrities and not even say hi to them. Not just walk right past them. And I was like, whoa. So anyway, Ron Howard, Ron Howard is like, the sweetest guy alive.

He honestly, Tom, he acts like a little brother at a little league game. He just was like this, like real bouncy. So I go over to the, I see the fucking ribs, the short ribs that Adam Perry's making. I'm like, I gotta get one. He cuts me a slice. And you know me, I roll over, I'm like,

dude, that fucking gets my dick hard. And this guy's like, and you know me, I roll over, I'm like, dude, I fucking get my dick hard. And this guy's like, and you know, a chef wants to hear that shit. So he cuts me off a big piece, he goes right to the mouth. I go right to the mouth, put it in my mouth, and I see, I see- Ron Howard. Ron Howard just standing inside, I go, Ron Howard,

you gotta try this. And he's like, well, okay. I know this because I just saw you document it. Yeah. Yeah. He comes over and he's like, he eats it. And then he takes another one and he goes over to the table and then he like makes eye contact with me and he's like, like this, like the sweetest guy.

I was like so blown away at just how genuinely wholesome he was as a person. It's like a real thing. To have been in this business. So then we go over to the Netflix party. Netflix party, fun, baby reindeer owned the night. So like everyone's in this baby reindeer corner, right? I don't know anyone from baby reindeer. I didn't watch this show cause it gave me anxiety.

So I'm like, and I have no interest in, I'm at this point, I'm whittling down what makes me Burt and what's wrong with Burt and how I can be cool with what's wrong with Burt, right? Yeah. Part of me really does not care about the Emmys because I'm such, I feel like an outsider anyway. And I am 51, so I'm like,

what am I gonna try to be in that scene? That's not my scene. My scene's comedy. I hung out with Jeff Ross, we smoked weed. Mike, all the people from the Brady roast were there, so I hung out in the back with them and we smoked weed. And then I go inside, I see Nikki Glaser. Nikki looked fucking insane.

I mean, and by the way, I gave her a hug. Nikki's, I mean, her back is so tight. Like she is in great shape. I was like, that's my takeaway from Nikki. Okay. I go, what's, I go, Leigh Ann, let's hit the dance floor. We go on the dance floor. Dude, you would have loved this.

Love on the Spectrum owned the dance floor. Really? All the kids from Love on the Spectrum, all their moms, Sophia Vergara and Nikki Glaser, owned that goddamn dance floor. And so you went out there and dancing with autistic kids might be my favorite thing I've ever done in my life. They just like walk up and they're like, I don't know you.

And you're like, cool. My mom says you're famous. And I was like, awesome. Can I get a picture? Of course. Dude, Love on the Spectrum ran the Netflix party. Love on the Spectrum and Baby Reindeer ran the next Netflix party. The Baby Reindeer won a bunch of things, right?

Yeah, the limited series stuff. It's really good, you should watch it. You should deal with the anxiety. I started watching it, it makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, it does, but it's really, really, really good. Yeah, but it's not funny, it just makes me uncomfortable. There's funny, there's definitely funny moments in it, but it does come through very real

and very uncomfortable, yeah. Yeah, but I is it does come through very real and very uncomfortable. Yeah Yeah, but I can't watch shows that I Will I'll tell you what I do is I just Wikipedia and read the Wikipedia and go. Yeah, I got it. Oh my god. I watched Inside 9-eleven the inside The war room whatever so it's So it's the 24 hours with Bush, Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Carl Rove, and like that. And they just go minute by minute through the day.

It's fucking really good. I saw it on Apple Plus, really good. I had the weirdest thought, who do you think the best looking hijacker on 9-11 was? You know, would it be Atta? I guess Muhammad Atta. Yeah, he had a good jawline, I feel like. He had a great jawline.

Look at that jawline on Atta there, top left. All the others, boom. That's a good jawline. All the others are pigs. I don't know that everybody is celebrating that we're doing this, but yeah. I mean, he definitely has cold eyes. God, man, yeah, he does.

Top right has eyes of like, yeah, your hard drive's gonna stay with us, right? Yeah. Bottom left has, he was talked into it, he has a more innocent face, in my opinion. Bottom right looks like he could fall in love with a Jewish chicken, he would hate to hear that. And he would hate, and he would hate himself.

He would hate himself. Family would hate him too. Do you think there were any hijackers that were like talkative? Like chatty. Like chatty Cathy's. Good personality. Yeah, no, no, no, just like overshare.

Like, you know, like I overshare. Oh, like who's the closest to Burt on this list? Like do you think there's any of these hijackers that at a dinner was like- It's probably, yeah, Al Sharer. Yeah, yeah, people were always saying that, like, he had big personality, life of the party kind of guy. Yeah.

Hey buddy, secret time? We're going to take these buildings down. Wow. Yeah, that's, let's see, let's see the go back to the- I'm not supposed to talk about this. If Muhammad Atta heard this. Is that the right accent? That's-

There are some ugly fucking hijackers. Yeah, none of them are like striking you as like, wow, that's a handsome guy. No, but Muhammad Atta stood out. Like when they went into the strip club the night before, I heard the night before they went and hijacked the buildings, they like went to strip clubs and shit, right? Really?

I had no idea about that. No, they went to like a Dave and Busters and a strip club. Dave and Busters, really? And they American'd it up. And they racked up some points and like. They were like, these video games, I don't know any need to hijack or no playing, you know? We could just do, they have a simulator in Dave and Buster's.

Damn, they're so young, man. Look how young they are. Oh, that's their ages? Yeah. What do you think that was, a credit score? No, I didn't really, God damn it, they're all in their 20s. Yeah, they're super young. He was 20 years old?

That guy's 20, yeah. Yeah, so young. Okay, would you rather, I asked this to someone last night, I had went to a dinner party and I thought, I said this and it was really not the best conversation starter. Would you rather die instantly or be told you're gonna die and die that way? Well, how are you gonna die when you be told you're going to die and die that way?

Well how are you going to die when you be told you're going to die? Like you have Parkinson's or cancer and you get told- And slowly die? Slowly die like maybe over five years or whatever. Maybe longer, maybe shorter or would you rather not see it coming like hit by a bus, plane crash. Yeah, definitely. Eaten by a shark.

Yeah. Well hold on, think about this. bus, plane crash. Yeah, definitely. Eaten by a shark. Yeah. Well, hold on. Think about this. That's what everyone said. And then I said, but yeah, but you only die once. That's true. So don't you want to, if life is about experiences, don't you want to enjoy the experience of dying?

I mean, what makes you think you're going to enjoy the experience? No, no, no. If it just goes like this, then what was life about, right? Well, yeah, but that just means you didn't have the time in a moment to reflect. But that doesn't mean that you haven't lived the full life. It's like getting hit by a bus is a painless,

I mean, it's terrible, but it's only terrible for people watching it. Like, it's not terrible for you. You don't know anything that happened. If you get Parkinson's or some type of cancer and it's a slow, I mean, yeah, you have time to go like, oh yeah, I'm going to, this is going to be a process in which I die. And maybe you have thoughts, you know? I mean, I watched somebody do that. I watched my dad go through that. It was fucking terrible to watch. And I think the end is like, it's particular. I mean, it's a lot of

suffering. It's a lot of people go through it, but. So the end is like, it's particular, I mean, it's a lot of suffering. Okay, so then. I'm not saying that's a lot of people go through it, but. So then let's take, let's reverse engineer that and say if death, if you only die once, your death isn't about you technically, because you're just dying. Yeah. Your death is about the people you leave behind, right? True.

So then, so then how would you want it? Would you want it to be prolonged so that you could, hey, you could really almost save the relationships? Would you rather your dad die of cancer or hit by a bus? Well, I think he already picked one of those. This show is sponsored by Babbel. You ever thought about getting yourself a gift this year? One that has the power to help you grow, learn, and become a better version of you?

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I, no, I get what you mean because you definitely have time to process it more. Like it was, you know, by the time he died, I wasn't like surprised, you know, you're not, you're, you know, it's happening. So I guess you can, you can make a case that that's, you know, something that you, you put together and figure out. But I think the phone call had been, your dad just got hit by a bus. It would be, yeah, it's a different, it's a whole, because then you also have, I think, a type of resentment that you carry, right?

Because you're like, you know, where's this bus driver live and, you know, how can we ruin his life and all that. So. That's a great second follow-up question. Yeah, I mean. But hold on, but hold on. I like where you're going because

people mourn you more if you die instantly, unexpectedly. I know what this is going to. This is all about how you're like, well, I don't know. Jesus, man. You're just thinking about maybe I should die quickly because then it'll be a better celebration. You got it. That's exactly where my head is.

I know it is. It's all about, because it's like, I get obsessed with death. I'm so obsessed with death that when I hear people- The amount that you are obsessed with kind of freaks me out. I know. It's like every day. I almost get, this is really a sad thought, but like when people say, like when people talk about what

they're raising money for and they're like pancreatic cancer, you know, I had a friend who died of pancreatic cancer. When people say they're raising money for suicide, when I hear suicide, I almost go like, oh thank God. Like I know I don't have that. Like I'm not gonna catch that one. You know? Yeah, yeah, no, no.

Yeah, I'm not getting suicide. If you died and then they were like it was a suicide, I would know that there was. Foul play? Yes, 100%. I would have to hire PIs and be like, no, no, no. We've got to figure out who killed him. Would you really, if for real?

If you was the reporter that you had killed yourself, a thousand percent. And everyone's like, Tom, it's closed case. Would you commit a little bit of your time to solve my murder? I might commit all my time to doing that, yeah. I would love that. I know you would. And then I would, yeah. And I promise you, because I know you'd want this, that I would make a documentary as I put love that. I know you would. And then I would... Yeah. And I promise you, because I know you'd want this, that I would make a documentary as I put it together. I will promise you, I swear to God, I swear to God, I would avenge your murder.

Thank you. Thank you. I would avenge your murder. Thank you. I appreciate that. I would... I think... I was trying to think today, I was watching Michael Jordan... I always watched... The Last Dance when I work out. I just love, I get on the treadmill to walk and I watched Last Dance and then I was like,

I'm not working hard enough. I put on a weight vest and I walked here with a weight vest on today. So like I was, but Michael Jordan was saying, he needed almost like inspiration to work. He needed things to inspire, he had to pick things that bothered him. And I was like, and I, a long time ago, and I don't have it now, by the way,

I think I have the exact opposite, but I was like, I said, I think I said to you like, it was when I was on tour and I was like, I was like, I don't know, I just stopped rooting for myself. Like I didn't feel like I should root for myself anymore. Like I didn't, because I didn't have any inspiration. I didn't have to go after. Yeah, and I was like, what's the best motivating factor? Is it? Revenge revenge is great revenge is fucking awesome revenge is great I know and the best revenge is just I mean, there's two types really right? There's there's the revenge of

I mean, there's two types really, right? There's the revenge of hurting somebody who hurt you or somebody you know, right? So like those types of things where fucking somebody kills somebody and you go, now I'm gonna kill you and everybody you know. That's a type of revenge. But the other type of revenge is just in succeeding. That's how you get revenge on people

without cutting them open. To allow... Sometimes you have false narratives in your head that you end up fighting with. I was fighting with a friend of ours in my head that had pissed me off. He said something sideways to me and I was fighting with him as I was cleaning off the deck. And then I was like, man, I said to myself, if I could think of statements as powerful as his that he did to me that forced me to fight the next morning for fucking 45 minutes as I cleaned my deck with him, then that's the real victory.

That's the victory to own territory in someone else's head for the next day. And then I was like, I will not allow that. And so I stopped it. I was like, this is wildly crazy, wildly crazy. And then Leann said, this is okay, and this goes to you. I'm trying to not talk as much at like parties and stuff. I'm trying to be more quiet and listen to people.

Hey, Ron Howard. Yeah, go ahead. I got one worse than that. I got way worse than that. I got one way worse than that. Wait, but finish your other thought. OK. You said I'm trying not to. And so we go to a dinner party.

I'm going to name drop because I think it's an important. No, I'm not going to name drop because it is an important. And they know who they are. OK. And so we go to this dinner with really famous people. I said, I'm not gonna talk. I'm not gonna talk, I'm gonna listen. And then everyone starts talking.

And then I go, I said to myself, they think I'm boring. And I was like, I gotta jump in here somehow. Like I gotta be interesting. Like I'm an interesting person, time to be interesting. So I talked a little bit, I probably over-talked a lot. We started talking about FaceTiming, right? You just went all over the map on whether you talked a little bit or a lot. A lot. We started talking about FaceTiming and like, and they've said that it's just so aggressive and I was like, time to jump in. I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And they're

like, what? I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And they're like, what? I was like, I FaceTime everyone. And two of the people at this party were like, he's definitely FaceTimed me. These kids have FaceTimed me at the UTA party. These boys FaceTimed me and I answered it. And they were like, who the fuck answers a FaceTime? I go, I do, I answer every FaceTime. If you FaceTime me, I can answer it. I don't know who it is.

I want to see who it is. I can see the person. And then they were like, and I FaceTime everyone. And can answer it. I don't know who it is. I wanna see who it is. I can see the person. And then they're like, and I FaceTime everyone and we started talking. We had a great time, great dinner. Honestly, a great dinner. I think everyone had a good time. I didn't over talk.

It did talk a lot, but I didn't over talk. And I noticed also I was also talking for both of us because Leanne wasn't talking at all. Leanne was like listening or whatever. Yeah. And so the next morning Leanne goes, man, no one cared about me. And I was like, what?

She was like, why didn't say anything? And I was like, well, yeah, but that's on you. And she was like, why didn't wanna interrupt? I didn't wanna interrupt anybody. And I was like, well, you can't look for your, you can't like, we're not children. No one's gonna be like, Leanne, what's your opinion on that?

Like you gotta just talk. No, you're right. And then one's gonna be like, Leanne, what's your opinion on that? Like you gotta just talk. No, you're right. And then I was like, wait, is me trying to be silent, is that forced behavior and is that now an inauthentic version of me or is it generous? Like when we did the podcast with Dana White,

I felt fucking so stupid because I hadn't said anything, but I was interested in what you guys were saying. And then I was like, am I stupid? Like, because I'm not talking? You know what I mean? Yeah, I know what you're saying. And I don't think, I mean, first of all,

it's, you know, sometimes you surprise me with your introspective thoughts. I think that it's a totally valid thing that you're saying. I think that what you're talking about when you go like, am I boring right now? Do I need, like that's a natural healthy thought to have. But I think the answer is, if somebody is saying something that you are interested in,

it is, I think, but especially as interviewers, like if you're interviewing someone, to let them hold court. Like just, especially like if you've asked something or someone else asked something and you're hearing what you want, like the person open up, I try to give them the floor. Just like let them talk.

What is it about you that makes you not talk? Like do you, are you comfortable? Like when, if you're having dinner with like, say your next door neighbors and him and his wife and you and push and you guys are having dinner and he's talking and you're listening and say you're not interested. Say the thing he's telling you is not interesting, but you still listen. Yeah, no, I'm good at that. I mean, I, I, I will listen. I'm not going gonna follow up to, I'll follow up with something to give them a chance to basically feel interesting.

But I'm not gonna keep pressing on that. But I also don't, like, I really don't care. I really don't care. I don't care if you think I'm boring. I don't care. I don't care if you walked away and you're just like, that guy doesn't interest, I'm like, I mean, I've had people tell me, they're like,

I thought you were like a ditch digger or something. I can't believe that you tell jokes for a living. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care. I don't care what you think. So yeah, it's just how I'm wired, man. I just don't give a shit. The Diageo guys came up to me last night at Disney, at the Disney party, and they were like, hey, we tried your vodka, it's really awesome.

And I was like, oh, thank you. And I was like, thank you. And I started talking to them. And they're like, so what's your plan? And I said, you know, it's so funny. I said, you know, when we got into this, I think both of us thought, you know, start a vodka, sell it, make money, bounce. But I go, Tom said something very wise to me.

He was like, hey, man, wouldn't it be fun to just own a vodka company for the rest of our lives? And I was like, oh, yeah. And they said, is he enjoying it? And I said to like 15 people, I go and they said is he enjoying it and I said to like 15 people I go yes and Tom is the most boring individual you'll ever meet and I go and he's having fun. Tom does not like having fun but he's having fun

and someone goes isn't he your friend? And I'm like yeah and Cotty goes he's being generous right now. But like you really don't care. You don't care if people find you interesting. You don't care if people dislike you. You don't care if people want to talk to you. You just can exist.

And I am so fucking opposite. Yeah, we just, we have totally different makeups in that regard. But it's actually, it's good. That's why we're a good team together. Because we have totally different characteristics and you know, that's good. That's why we're a good team together, because we have totally different characteristics, and that's how we operate well. Especially it's fun for me to do live events with you and stuff, because we're not the same.

There's a lot of events. Yeah. Yeah, we're not the same. We are the same in a weird way. I think things make us giggle the same. Yeah, we always laugh about a lot of things the same. We enjoy, and I enjoy you, I enjoy being around you, but yeah, with that shit, with socializing, I'd rather leave, man. I'm just being, like, most, I've gone to dinner parties

and I'm just like, I gotta get the fuck outta here. Like, I just, you know, I'm more concerned, honestly, with how inner circle people feel about me than I am about neighbors and like, you know what I mean? Like if someone I meet doesn't care for me, I'm just like, well I don't care what you think, I don't barely know you. I don't, this isn't a, we're not in a friendship.

This is not a relationship we have. What's interesting is that I didn't realize. And I like to leave meetings too. Like when meetings. What? When I meet, like I have a meeting with somebody and you can always sense when meetings are going well and when they're not. And in either case, I can't wait to get the fuck out of there.

Like I just go, well, that was great. And then I fucking leave right away. Really? Yeah. I'm like, that was great. Maybe we'll see each other again. Yeah, bye. I wish I had that.

I wish I had more of that. You like, but the other thing is you get like intoxicated by like social settings. Like you're a true extrovert, man. You're a real extrovert. Extroverts. Energy from that. Energy from, like you're always like,

well let's stay here, let's keep this going. Have more people come over. And I literally am like, can you remove people from the room? Like so. Oh, Leanne couldn't get me out of the Netflix party last night. I can only imagine.

I was like, and then I talked to someone who was like, they were drunk and they were the exact, they were me. They were drunk and they were just fucking oversharing. And I was like, oh, this is a life lesson. Pay attention, bird, shut your fucking mouth. Yeah, yeah. I didn't realize how much time I was gonna be spending with Leanne when the girls left.

Yeah. Yeah, you're like, it's kind of weird. We're together a lot. I've said it a number of times, and I don't know if I've ever said it on this, but I've said it in passing. If I had known I was gonna spend this much time with her, I would have married a dude.

It's like fucking wild. And she doesn't get my sense of humor all the time. We went to a Sturgill Simpson concert this weekend on Saturday night. We had the wildest weekend. Yeah. And there were two gay guys in front of us just making out the entire concert and I was like, I was like you can't, not that you can't do that, like I know you're allowed to do that, even if you were, and then I was like, I said to

Leann, I was like what the fuck? I was like, it's country music, they're ruining country music for me. They're just fucking macking down on each other and Leann's like stop it, you're being homophobic. I said, it has nothing to do with homophobia. I was like, if it was fat people in front of us, it would be ruining it. It's that I'm not attracted to it. Look, if it's two chicks doing it,

it would make the concert better. Or if it was like a beautiful guy and a beautiful girl, it would make the concert better. It's that it doesn't turn me on, so it's fucking pissing me off. And I was like, if I'd married a dude, he would have gotten it. He would have gotten it.

He would have totally understood it. Yeah, chicks man, I know. I told Christina last night, because whenever I'm self-loathing, which I was yesterday, I want a certain type of empathy, and she never does it instinctively. So as she was talking to me about my self-loathing,

I go, can I tell you something? This is what I want you to do when I do this. Whatever your instinct is, ignore it. Ignore all your initial instincts. And she was like, that's really nice. I go, yeah, whatever you think, do the opposite. And she was like, great. And then she goes, I just, how about I don't talk?

And I go, perfect. Wait, wait, what does your self-loathing look like? No, my self-loathing, because I go, I feel like I always have, it varies. But like for, there's good days and bad days, like body issues. Do you know what I mean? Like there's good days and bad days, like body issues, you know what I mean? Like there's days where I'm looking in the mirror

and I feel good about myself, and then it could be like 24 hours later and I don't. And I was just in that thing where I was just like, you know, beating myself up. And she was just like, you know, what do you think? I go, you're not my fucking psychoanalyst, okay? Like, I don't want you to do this. And she's like, I don't know what to do.

I go, just do the opposite of what you think you should do. Yeah. If I, what triggers those body issues? Cause I'm, I deal with them too. And I, and I can't tell if. But that's the thing. What I, what I told her is that it's like almost the exact conversation.

I think that my body issues are not necessarily spawned by this certain type of trigger. It's like, here's what I can relate it to that I think will make a lot of sense to you. You know how when you're on tour, you never feel this way about your act. What happens is you go like this. You have days where you're like,

I feel fucking great about what I'm doing. You know what I mean? You like what you're doing. And then there's the days where you're just like, man, you're full of self-doubt and you're just kind of self-critical. I suck. And I feel what I mean? Like that. And I feel like it's very much like that. It's not a constant thing.

And there's, there are peaks and valleys to it. And you probably could dive into like, well, what, but I just feel like it's, it's like life in that it's not a constant, it's up and it's down. And so there's just, you know, I don't sit in the self-loathing for a lot, like for days. It's just like moments. It's moments that pass where you're like, it's so bizarre I think with body stuff because it can literally be 24 hours apart. Like I can, you know, my, it sounds probably like I have dysmorphia, but I'm, what I'm saying is like, you just feel good.

And you're like, you know what, I like, you look good buddy. Like you're, you know, that kind of thing. And then, I don't know, the next day you just catch an angle in a mirror or something, you're like, oh fuck, I look like shit. And then when I do that, what I don't like is when I do that and it gets negated by whoever is around,

I'm just like, don't fucking make me feel like I'm not, you know, it's not a valid critique of myself, you know? Yeah. Which they're probably just being helpful and nice, but I'm just like, don't you fucking do that to me. So, it's, yeah, it's just like, it's not positive self-talking, right? And I try not to sit in it.

I don't like to do, I'm not saying it in this poor me way. It's more like I'm just not happy with what I'm seeing, if that makes sense. No, I feel like I was more confident about my body when I was massively obese than now. But do you think you were tricking yourself? confident about my body when I was massively obese than now. But do you think you were tricking yourself? Like were you delusional or were you just?

I think I was delusional. I think I'm crazy. I actually think I'm crazy, like for real. I was telling someone if I was me on like a Viking longship or like trying to cross the Northwest Passage in the 1700s, they'd be like that guy on the boat is out of his fucking mind. Yeah. Like there's no way they'd be like no he's neurodivergent. They'd be like and so I

have issues with my body now that I go and I'm and I like I can convince myself it's so stupid and like my eating, it'll trigger it. I used to eat fucking shit, and then last night at the Netflix party, you know I'm keto, and they bring out fucking, they bring out fucking In-N-Out burgers. Oh, dude. Did you have one?

I had to go to different people to get new ones. Because they're like, I, one for per person, you know, they didn't make like a thousand of them. And I was like, oh cool, so I got one. And I was like, can I get my wife one? And they're like, yeah. And then I went to Leanne, I ate both of them, I go, hey they got In-N-Out Burger,

see if you can grab two for us. And then she went over and she grabbed two. And then I went back and the guy goes, you've had like four of them. And I was like, I've had three first of all. And they're like, I know, we're trying to like spread them out for everyone. You know, the Love on the Spectrum kids want them.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I went to this other person and they're like, in and out burger. And I was like, oh yeah, can I get one for my wife? And they're like, and then I woke up this morning going, what did I do? Like, and if I drink enough or smoke enough weed, I forget that I did it.

And then, and then, dude, I'm, I'm smoking weed before I go to bed, like almost like Michael Jackson did. Fentanyl. Propofol. I'm like, I'm hitting a vape pen like four or five times and then getting in bed and racing it to sleep. And then I sleep amazingly. Yeah, that's good.

That's good. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Also, I should say that like, with Christina in particular, like she's always just trying to help me when I do that stuff. It's me just being not wanting to hear it, you know? Yeah.

I wish I had like, I know I have it. I know I can find it. I know I had it. But like, I saw these chicks come out, when we were in Vegas. Yeah. Weren't we just in Vegas? Yes. Yeah, when we were in Vegas, I saw these chicks come out of, when we were in Vegas, weren't we just in Vegas? Yes.

Yeah, when we were in Vegas, I saw these chicks come out of the elevator, really like maybe 400 pounds. Nice. Bikinis. Bikinis. People really don't give a fuck, especially in Vegas. And I was like, how did the fuck, I want that.

Like I want that confidence, that blinding confidence where you're like this shit fucking slapped baby like I Don't know man. I mean I Don't know I I should say that you know I have I have gotten good at some self Self-talk in those things too because like you know what I end up doing man when I feel the I end up trying to remember that like, how would you talk to, like somebody that you cared about,

or like one of your kids? And so I end up, I do actually do it. I practice the exercise and I'll be like, you know what? Like, you don't, you might not look the way you wanna look, but like you're putting in effort, it's improving, you should be happy that you're focused and making real effort and you're making progress, and it might not be the progress

with which you want it to happen. And so I try to self-talk, and then of course inevitably, at some point I'll just be like, oh, who you kidding? You fucking loser, fat piece of shit but there's moments of like uplifting self-talk that I think is helpful too not just critical thoughts I mine that's wild that when you said I have my daughter was talking to herself the way or either my daughters were talking to themselves the way I was talking to myself I'm like what the my daughters were talking to themselves the way I was talking to myself,

I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? Don't ever think that way. That's horrific. But then I do it, and then I'm like, it's also motivating. To be critical? To be critical. Don't you wish you were like,

who was I just talking to about this? About, do you remember when we got in a standup and there were the kids that were like, I'm amazing, I fucking crushed that room. And they all suck. And they all suck. They all suck. I remember the guys too that would be like,

don't you like love watching, he goes like, don't you love watching footage of yourself? And this is like years ago and I was like, no. He's like, oh, it's my favorite thing. I go, how do you withstand it? And he was like, what do you mean? This is like one of the green rooms. He's like, I just he's like, oh, it's my favorite thing. I go, how do you withstand it? He was like, what do you mean? This is like one of the green rooms. He's like, I just, I love watching myself perform.

Like I go, no, I have the hardest time watching footage of myself. I don't know how you do. And then of course, I mean, I thought that guy sucked then. And then, yeah, he's pretty bad. I wonder if it's the same guy. There was a, I was watching a guy listen to his act, like listen to his act before,

and he was like, oh good, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I just watched it live. I didn't have one of those for you. But you know what the funny thing is about the body stuff though, is that you will, we have all these things about like self-talk and healthy talk, but then you meet like certain people. And a lot of times in my experience, they're athletes, they're people who are in particularly good shape and they're super critical and super honest.

So my thing is like, yeah, you're, you're being, the rest of them are all fucking liars, man. I like that you're being straight up about this. You know what I mean? So I embrace, I, I get that the super critical self-talk isn't productive per se, but also you mean, like I have friends that are Like real athletes like and they they do the super critical talk about How hard you're working what you look like, you know what and they're and they'll be like, yeah, that's good And they'll be like this is shit over here isn't good

You need to fucking do some more squats like and you're like oh yeah like how come everybody else feels like like what you're saying is the bad thing to say you're just being honest actually you know and you know it's I keep going back to comedy but there are people who are so delusional about their sets and who they are that you're like and you're like what like I go I just wish I had an ounce of it I wish I had an ounce of it just to get through the rough parts of life where you're like, and you're like, what? Like, I go, I just wish I had an ounce of it. I wish I had an ounce of it just to get through the rough parts of life. Where you're like, where you wake up and you're like, I keep pushing off, I keep postponing going back on the road

because I'm like, I'm not fixing anything. I'm not slowing down. I'm not doing anything to grow myself. I can't go back on the road yet. So I keep pushing it. I mean, I'm still doing the two. I'm doing Vegas, but, or I did it, I guess, already, but I think with not getting on stage

and not doing standup and I'm trying to distance and just write, but I'm not living, and then I go like, how are these people so fucking wildly confident? It's almost like Christianity. They just, it's like an air of superiority, and I go, I wish I had just a little bit to wake up with.

Yeah, some people have an incredible belief in their delusion in themselves. I will say this about stand up, my last, I've said it to you before, the way I'm touring now has made this so much more fun for me. My weekend that I did a couple weekends ago was Eugene, Vancouver, Denver. That was one of the most fun weekends

I've ever had doing standup. Really? It was so fucking fun. And I think it's. What made it fun? I mean, well, I have to say this. Just because I've heard people both in standup and observers of standup, this old saying of like, it's never the audience. Okay.

It's always the audience. It's not, it's always the audience. So when you show up to these, a show and you have audience that is energetic and excited to be there, it becomes, you know, this is a symbiotic thing. It's like you play off each other. So they're energized and then it energizes you. So that dance that happens when it's like that, there's just nothing more fun. And so I had that in those three cities. The first ever comedy show at this Eugene Amphitheater, they'd never had a comedy show, and it was fucking unbelievable. I had so much fun.

Next day was in Vancouver, and it was raining, and cold, and windy, and I was like, I think that, because I've had multiple of those shows canceled, because they're like, yeah, we can't do it. So again, I was like, I think that, cause I've had multiple of those shows canceled cause they're like, yeah, we can't do it. So again, I was like, are we canceling this? And they're like, not in BC. They fucking are, they're fine with the rain.

And it was- Are you doing all outdoor shows? No, but that's part of the outdoor festival, that show. So the Eugene one was outside, just happened to be outside, but the Vancouver one was outside. Weather was like, you gotta be kidding me. And it was packed. We barely had no shows, like a couple no shows.

I mean, like thousands of people were there sitting in the rain and then the rain slowed down, eventually stopped. Windy, but they were like energized, they were fun. And then Denver is just fucking bonkers. That was, Denver has always been a big market for you. It's insane. It's insane. So that show was like, that's one of those shows where you get off and you're like, fuck, that felt like a taping. Like that was, you know, like one of those shows.

So, I mean, I, and I think what I'm getting at also is that my pace for the touring of like just doing like three cities in a weekend, as opposed to like seven that I was doing before, it just makes it so much more fun. Like you look forward to the shows so much, and then you get this break afterwards. So you don't burn yourself out. So you're already like, Oh, I can't wait till I go out again. Like that's just how it feels. Like this, uh, where am I this weekend? I think Cleveland, Buffalo, Toronto.

Is that right? Yeah. I think that's a nice little run. Yeah. And that's that, but see, like that's, that's a nice, it's a nice pace. I wonder when I'll do standup again. Well, you're probably going to just slowly build again, right? Yeah.

You have your release date? You have your date already? I have my release date. I have, but I was planning on going out right when I released it, you know, but I think I'm pushing it more. I think I'm pushing it more and more every time I can. Well, you do what I do and like book some club weekends.

So what I think I'm gonna do, and I'm, you know, what I'd like to do is I wanna go out for a straight month, just a month, do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, all at clubs, one off, or do like little rock venues, not like theaters, but do clubs and really kind of have fun. Like I did that during getting ready for the special. I took the bus and drove across country

and did shows every night. And it was so fucking fun in clubs. It was so fun. And so then I want to do that. And then I want to do theaters for like a solid theater run. Where like, I mean, I would love to go back to arenas, but I don't, I like, if I go do arenas, I want to have, I want to do an arena run that's right before, right before I start to shoot my special. Like I want to do it like, like, like the

arena run I did last year was just, it was a lot because I was doing arenas Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I was like, it was just a lot. It was a lot because I was doing arenas Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I was like, it was just a lot. It was a lot. And I, and I want to really enjoy. I do think there's something having done it one way and the other way. I do think there's something about that might be fun. And I think you would maybe enjoy of picking the big theater in one of those towns that you would do it of picking the big theater in one of those towns that you would do it. And walking around for the weekend.

Yes, and doing like five, six shows of like in a 3000, fourth, like that type of thing. There's just something about that size for, you know, even though arenas are spectacular, amazing, there's something really fun about doing a run of shows in a theater. Dude, when I did my special, doing it, I did it in the theater, the Mahaffy,

I think, yeah, the Mahaffy, and it was so different than doing it in arenas. It was so fucking on top, and it was so there, I was like, god damn it, I missed the theater energy. I love arenas, I love arenas, but man, that theater energy is funny shit. Hey, can we switch subjects and talk about something I would die to talk to you about?

Yeah. Shannon Sharp's sex tape. Yeah. Do you believe it? Do I believe it? Like, do I believe that he accidentally went live, like you said? Yeah, yeah. No.

I don't either. No. I mean, cause here's the only reason I have had my phone in my hand and have ended up on the page that says like, like ready to post, ready to upload. But there's another step you always have to take for going live. Also, you can accidentally have your phone and be like On the live let's say pre setting you have to confirm it to go live Yeah, like it doesn't it doesn't compute for anybody that's done it, you know, but you could take your phone go to Instagram

Try to go live and you'll see it's a two-step Process and and here's the other thing is that, I gotta tell you a secret now, okay? This is a secret. And I didn't wanna share this, but when this Shannon Sharp thing happened, I went, oh. So in the past, I have been guilty of going fake live.

Okay. I would sometimes, guilty of going fake live. Okay. I would sometimes, I thought it was a cool way to promote things. They get a fake, an accidental live is so much bigger than a regular live. And it draws so much attention. I mean, it really does. So I went fake, I went accidental live one time

and immediately Victoria called me and was like, yo, you're live. And my calls to everyone, everyone starts texting, everyone around, yo, Bert's live. And they're like, yo, your phone's live. And I went, oh shit. And I just did it, discarded, nothing, never heard another word from it.

So then one time we're in the car and I was like, I think we had like, I think we had seats left at whatever, wherever venue we were. And so I was like, yo, everyone in the car and I was like, I think we had like, I think we had seats left at whatever venue we were. And so I was like, yo, everyone in the car, I'm gonna go fake live right now, okay? And we're gonna talk about the city we're in and just out of curiosity. So we went fake live in my pocket, I hit live,

I hit record and we all just start talking. A little wild, cause people think it's real, right? Everyone, I mean, I'm talking everyone's phones blow up in the car. They're like, everyone's calling us. I mean, people, like fucking Chris Porter's calling me, like, yo, you're live. Everyone's calling everyone.

And those tickets cleaned up within 15 minutes. And I went, I was like, wow, that's a really powerful tool. So when Shannon Sharp, who everyone's called gay, from Mike Epps to- Yeah, everyone, yeah, that's the thing is there's a little sugar in the tank with him. Yeah, a little sugar in the tank. When he goes live during sex, I was like,

it's a little convenient. And now it's a little convenient. And I'm not that. It's a little convenient and also like, that narrative can be pretty vicious and aggressive. And like a natural way to combat that is to be like, no, no, no, you see, cause one thing is you go, no, no, no, I like women.

Right, everyone goes, sure. Okay, here's a photo with me with women. And they're like, okay. Hey, how about me fucking somebody? Would that make you think differently? And that's what everybody's like, kind of come back with there. You know, because it's like,

well, gay guys probably don't do that. So gay guys don't fuck women on accident. Yeah. So yeah, he, he, um, it is, it's nuts though. It's, it's a crazy fucking choice. I mean, the guy's like 55 to be like, I'm going to fuck somebody live on the internet. It's just fucking, it's nuts, dude. But you know, the narrative of calling him gay

is in the black community, to call a man gay, it's like, it's a death sentence. Yeah, it's pretty, like I said, it's kind of vicious the way it's done. It's vicious, and they were going after him about that and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're gay. Yeah.

And like he couldn't not step in gay. There's no way he ran that by anybody though. That was just one of those things that he cooked up on his own. Yeah, and more power to him, you know. Tired of people being like, why are you so zesty, Unc? So. Oh, Unc's getting after it. That would have been great though if people being like, why are you so zesty, Unc? So. Oh, Unc's getting after it.

That would have been great though if he was like, if he was like, if he really was gay and he was trying to have sex with the chick and he's like, oh god, this is not what I like. Don't turn around, just let me fuck with your asshole real quick. Don't turn around. Don't turn around. God damn, stop looking at quick. Don't turn around. Yeah, yeah. Don't turn around.

God damn it, stop looking at me. Yeah, I'm gonna see your face. I wanna go fake live. I wanna go fake live. I wanna go real live and have sex with Leanne and not tell her. I was gonna say, this seems like a total Burt move. Like, if you put that, do the same thing, phone faces the ceiling,

and we just get to hear you have sex with Leanne, I think that would do real numbers for you. You should do that for the special when the special comes out. I will. And by the way, I'll just go live. I'll go live and know I'm going live, and I'll tell everyone,

yo, I'm going live, I'm fucking my wife. I want you guys to be a part of this, and I'll just put the phone, she won't know. Well, yeah, you can't let her know. That's the way to do it. No. Yeah, yeah. You gotta, man, I think you would know it was real because of the way Leanne talks during sex.

Like that's the other thing is like. She talks differently? Oh, she says the kind of shit that like catches you off guard. You know when someone gets hit by a car or like falls into a pit of alligators and they say the weird thing like, mama help me, you know? Yeah. And like, and then you go, oh, that's a real sentence.

Leanne, when Leanne has sex, she fucks, and like and then you go. Oh, that's a real sentence Leanne when Leanne has sex She fucks real like she says real shit crazy like non sequitur stuff Yeah, I just like and it's like redneck saying give me an expre like an example. I can't I can't cuz she'll get pissed And I don't want to I don't want to ruin it She's not a kiss just tell us one I Can't I can't. Just tell us one. I can't, I can't. Are they, are they the, like, is it a library that she pulls, like you hear the same expressions?

A lot of them are the same library, but I don't have a lot of, I don't have a lot in my library. Like I don't, I talk a little bit now during sex. You do? Yeah. What do you say? Okay, let me close my eyes. Go ahead. Come on just whisper. I want to hear it.

She can't get mad. It's your thing. Just fucking tell us man. They want to know. It's gonna be so good, please tell me. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. Is it like Big Daddy stuff or are you like, yeah, you're gonna take that shit? What do you? This isn't my pussy.

You do not. You do not. You say this is my pussy? This has been a great episode. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it.

I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. You say this is my pussy? This has been a great episode, everybody. Remember that this is Bird's pussy. Oh, shut the fuck up. Oh, wow. He really does say that. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is my pussy. Oh, fuck. Ha ha ha ha ha. Whose pussy is this?

Ha ha ha ha. Shady Sharps pussy. It's yours, birdie boy. Ha ha ha ha ha. It's all you, big boy. That's all you, big boy. Whose pussy is this? Ha ha ha ha.

I just say it more inquisitive, like, hey, whose pussy is this? Whose pussy is this? I just say it more like more inquisitive like hey whose pussy is this? Do you know who the owner of this pussy is? I found this pussy. Is this your pussy or my pussy? Oh my god. I'm sweating right now. I'm fucking sweating. That's how we know you really say that. That's fucking amazing. That's awesome. Oh fuck. I don't say, I'm just like lower your voice.

Cunt more. I'm gonna tell you you're taking this shit but harder. Yeah, come on, talk to me like a guy. That's very fun. All right, we should wrap this up. Yeah, that was a good episode. That was a lot of fun. Shout out to Love on the Spectrum kids.

You guys are the best. Next episode, we need to talk about the new people on Instagram that we're falling in love with. The one lady you sent me that made the meatballs, I fucking love her. Did I nail that or what? Oh my God, it's the thing I fucking love. Dude, if you're doing a cooking segment

and you have the spiral heaters on your oven, fucking there for it. He's a real big fan of lower income kitchens. It just is so honest. It's so honest. It's like you are so not savvy about what you're trying to sell that it's sexy. That's what turns you on.

It's fucking sexy. Dude, and my new favorite thing on the internet, my new favorite thing is the comments that are cruel but hilarious. Like whenever you see a video and then everyone runs to the comments, that is my favorite fucking, if I could create more content

that would just allow people to fun roast me in the comments, fucking, I mean, that's why I post all those dick pics, because I was like, I want it to be fun in the comments, not like, you know, like it's, I think that's, oh man, there's an overweight golfer instructor. I know who you're talking about. I fucking love, I hope that's all man. There's an overweight golfer instructor I know who you're talking about. I fucking love that. I've seen that guy enjoys those comments because they make me how laugh

He really knows he's a good golf instructor. He's a great golfer and a great golf instructor and but it's like snack Nicholas. Yeah. Yeah He's big guy Yeah, no, we'll get into that. Don't forget to go to tomscuro.com slash tour. See me on tour, please. Hey, can you guys, can you, oh, keep going, I'm sorry. That's OK.

What were you going to say? Can you guys send me what I love on the internet? Send it to me on Instagram so I can watch more. Because Tom and I sent it to each other. But if you guys listening, if there's someone you're in love with on the internet, in love with, in Instagram. I can't believe you're not into Fancy Chef yet.

I mean, that's all I. Who's Fancy Chef? I'll send you a few links. OK. He's amazing. Fancy Chef. The only people I get videos from are Leanne and the girls, and it's all cat videos.

And Isla. and Isla any Isla I'll tell you off here. Okay Don't forget to remind Burt who's pussy it is and we will see you guys next week and Burt. One goes to the top and swallows the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.