2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bonus: Live from MGM Grand in Las Vegas | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

This episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave was filmed in front of a live audience of MGM Rewards Members at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. It's a bonus episode of 2 Bears 1 Cave live on Saint Paddy's Day! We start with a dental update from Tom, Bert reveals his affinity for HBCU Cheerleading videos, and Bert expresses how no one can love Tom like Bert does. They discuss their testosterone usage, Taylor Lewan from Bussin' with the Boys invites Bert to Beer Olympics, and Bert talks about Ila jokes he had removed from his Netflix Special Razzle Dazzle. The bears discuss St. Paddy's Day, Bert wants to invest in homosexuality, and hygiene. The bears end with a Q & A.https://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

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Alright ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for two bears, one cave? Let's give a warm welcome to our host, Tom Siger and Bert Kreischer! Oh shit! What's up, Las Vegas? How you guys doing? Thank you, MGM Rewards at the MGM Grand Atloss Vegas. Give it up for the MGM, everybody, for hosting this for us. Yeah. MGM grand at Las Vegas. Give it up for the MGM everybody for hosting this for us. Yeah Bertrand Congratulations, you're wearing two watches like a fucking lunatic

Yeah, I treated myself my special razzle dazzle streaming right now and now streaming right now in Netflix Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you to all of you for all the repost all the shares spread in the word It's the world that means the world to both of us. I will say that collectively, because Tom's dead inside. He is, he is, he is. I wish I didn't care about shit the way you don't care about. Are we started?

We started. Okay. We definitely started. It's funny what you do care about. What do I care about? Like your, like the secret time you got in Visaline. Oh yeah. Like why?

Wait a minute, I'll tell you. No, hold on, why? Wait, wait, wait. You're saying it's so strange that you care about your teeth? That's what you're... Why is that a weird thing to care about? Because if you over-care, you can look creepy. Well, I'm just getting my teeth fucking fixed.

What do you mean? Bad teeth make you accessible to other people. Am I right? Oh yeah, you're getting a round of applause for all the people who have liked up teeth. And real? Like look, okay, look. Everyone, keep smiling, keep smiling,

those last smiling. Real teeth, real teeth, real teeth, real teeth. No, you'd actually, with those earrings, I'm like, you got your teeth fixed. Yeah. A guy that chooses those earrings, I'm like, you got your teeth fixed. Yeah. A guy that chooses those earrings doesn't get good teeth as a kid. Or they didn't have the parents that all fixes teeth.

There you go. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You fixed your teeth once you started working and making money. Yeah, I see that. So that's you don't, you never, you never get no fish fight with an adult with braces on. Thank you. No, you have been vis-. That's fucking different. What? Well, I'm okay. Do you want to know why I have them? This is this is come you why this is a this is fucking crazy

Okay, this is crazy. Oh, so I don't know like when I was I'm not close to your weight, but I was bigger and I was but I was bigger and I was, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, They're fucking quacks. They're quacks, they're fucking quacks. All dentists are crazy. Except for Latin American dentists. Why? Latin American dentists are... In Armenians. And Marines? Armenians. I do not trust Armenian dentists.

No. I don't think they have dental. I'm never heard like... You're not a Los Angeles. Or you don't admit in Armenia. So... If you're snore, if you snore, there's a lot of things I can cost you. But one of the big things is when you're asleep, you're unconscious, your mouth drops, right?

Like if you picture yourself laying back, your mouth, yeah. So what happens is they make you, a dentist can make you a custom old fit to your teeth that keeps your lower jaw up, right? So it keeps the air passage open. It's a common thing. I get one of these from the dentist 12 years ago, and it basically eliminates snoring. Every few years, I would get a new one. Hold on, hold on. Do you have any idea how many of those I would have swallowed? No, you can't swallow it.

I wake up the morning and aw, and another while. It's keeping my jaw up for like every time I go to sleep. Okay. Last, not even six months ago, I go to the dentist in Austin. It's a new dentist, I've never seen it. In Austin, oh, here's the rub people. New guy, Tom rolls in in a fucking por with a Rolex in his thing and this guy goes, I'm getting a summer home.

Well, actually, it's actually a woman and she goes, oh wow, okay. I know, a woman done this. I was like, Jesus Christ, you have a degree. So, she's doing the regular exam and here's the thing, everybody has things that have, you know, you're lucky, like, maybe you have great nose or great, I don't know, whatever, abs. So the only thing I've ever had is like an asset

is like my teeth, I've never had braces, never had a retainer. Teeth are like naturally straight, right? The only thing I've had. So she's checking and out, oh, you know, everything looks healthy, gums are healthy. And then she goes, has your bite always been like this?

And I go, like, what? And she goes, you know, like, you're teet your bite the way it meets. And I was like, what are you talking about? And then we kind of like do a more intrusive exam. And she goes, how long have you been wearing that snorkeard? And I'm like, I don't know, like 12 years. I had given myself orthodontics. I moved my lower jaw forward because I

wore it every night for like a dozen years. And I go, no other dentist said this. And she's like, yeah, we see this sometimes. So now she's like, you got to move your lower jaw back to where it was. I did that. I did that in baseball when I got a, uh, well, a mouth guard. Yeah. And I was like, and I thought, I thought, what if I pushed it really hard this way so that every time I went in my teeth would go back, and then I fucked up my bite. What, did you wear for a dozen years?

No, no, but I stopped, I had to stop wearing it because I noticed that when I bite, you ever bite down and then one tooth is like, like the busy guy on the bus going like, I wanna be up here, I wanna be up here. And then, and so yeah, I had to stop wearing that mouth guard. And I actually thought, I've been looking at mouth guards lately, but I go, I'm gonna fuck up my bike.

So you gotta, so I'm doing corrective shit to my, at 43, I'd never had anything that, like, definitely that I had to get these just to move this jaw back to where it's. I'm tall. Hi. I'll tall. Hi. I'll speak Spanish also. Yeah, so now I have my fucking...

That's why I have a mid-line. Wait, list off your superior body parts. It what? Like if you had to say, like, if you had to say, like, like, everyone knows, like, you're asking, like, like, I'm gonna try to, like, man, you got great casts, right? Like, you know that, right? Yeah.

I'm trying to compliment you. Yeah. Like, I have perfect skin. Like, if you feel my skin, you will not feel better skin on anyone. Leanne, horrible fucking skin. A blind person will get confused. Maybe like, am I reading or touching a person?

What's wrong with her skin? It's fucking disgusting. Scaling. Are we hearing this? When does wrong with her skin? It's fucking disgusting. Scaling? Are we hearing this? When does this go just audio? Yeah, audio only. Oh, horrible. It's fucking horrible.

Leann's never listening to audio version of Toot Bears. I mean, when I met her, it was something I had to get over. Seriously? Yeah. What's her greatest asset? Her tits. Her tits? Oh, her brain, obviously, whatever. No, her tits. Oh, her brain, obviously, but whatever.

No, her tits, she had, so, Leanna's interesting because her flaws made me- So many, so many, right? A lot. She had a crooked, a wonky tooth that went back into her mouth and I thought it was cute. You know, it was like, you ever fall in love with someone but the things that are broken about them

kind of make them cooler? Yeah, you're fall in love with someone but the things that are broken about them kind of make them cooler? You're getting it. You're going to be pointing to his check right now. Yeah. She had a dilated pore in her lip that was a hole. I loved it so fucking much. Yeah. And then she fucking filled it in.

No, she got it fucking removed. Now she has a scar going down her face. And then she had this wonky tooth and then she got fucking a vis line. And I'm like, you're fixing all this shit I liked about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you love my teeth before? Is that where we're getting it?

No, but you and Christina are teeth people. Yeah, yeah. I like, I was before we did the movie, The Airs Memorial Day Week on the machine. Oh, what's it called? Oh. Hey, if you're listening to this, please, I will do this on the next, but I'm

going to push it hard. We're trying to sell tickets before it gets into theaters. So go to the machine.movie. And I'm going to do a in-studio live event that'll be airing all the screens. No one's listening to this. Oh, so. So.

Leann is it? Oh, OK., I'm gonna get my teeth done. I'm gonna get like perfect fucking teeth because your wife came up to me and this is, this is what, this is like the flaw I love about your wife. Does she can be an asshole? Yeah, yeah, 100%. Like a legit, in your face asshole doesn't even know she's doing it. That's the part, is she doesn't know. She has no fucking clue.

And you're like, the fuck is wrong with me? Literally, she put her fingers in my mouth. I was like, what's going on here? What's going on here? What are we doing? Honey, you have money. Why are you not fixing this? And I go, fixing what?

She goes, these teeth, I know she called you and told you might either fucked up because you started saying something. And then I was like, I was in the mouth of the baseball bat when I was 11 and then I was like, oh, we're gonna leave this alone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got real sad. I thought I could just, you know, like, I was in the mouth of the baseball bat when I was 11, and I was like, oh, we're gonna leave this alone. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got real sad.

I thought I could just, you know, like, like, funny you, and then you were like, it was really traumatic. Here's the thing. So if you, like, I had one yellow tooth right here, and it was very yellow, and, uh, why was it so yellow? So, like, my teeth have been done in stages. My teeth are like New York.

There's some brown stones and then there's some skyscrapers. Oh yeah. And then if you go back here, this is the ghetto. This is where Radar test grew up. If you see my molars, like if you look at, I'll show everyone, you can find it online, but like if you look at... I'll show everyone, you can find it online, but like, if you look at my molars, like... Yeah, Marcy Projects back there, let's see. Oh, wow. Well, it looks like a little Wayne losing your mind.

There's so much gold in there. There's some gold in there. That's Jay-Z grub there. And he put money back in, like, he'll put a voice in the Girls Club. Okay. But... Uh...

Speaking of Black people, you're just head you're really into HBCUs right now. Bro! Fuckin' it. What, they're cheerleaders? You say you want no problems but you talk like you do. You've seen it, you've seen it, you've seen it, it's fucking awesome. It is man... HBCUs for all our white fans.

Stands for historically black, historically black colleges and universities. Yes. So like a grambling or Doug Williams went to school. They do, I'm not gonna break it down. I can tell you what I love about it. But most of what I love is the way, the energy, I wanna wake up to that energy. I wanna feel that marching band energy, that halftime show is pretty wild.

The marching bands, one of the best. Does the, yeah. And starts to lean back and has the thing and then stands on the hat, does his hat with the head, do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, it's incredible. Sam U, Grandling, Jackson State, McNeese, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it is, especially, it's incredible. Samu, Grandling, Jackson State, McNeese, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, it is, especially, I don't know, I've watched so many of them. My feet right now. What do you do? You just search, like. I type in, I mean, I can't tell you what I type. I, my algorithm is so fucked right now. Is black women cheering,

ships getting an accident. Ships an accident? Oh, have you seen tug life? No. Has anyone got to go, right now, tug life on your Instagram, and you're welcome. Do you ever see,

as Puerto Rican guys get in their haircut? I love, when a Puerto Rican guy rolls in like Chupa Cobra and they tighten them up. All like sharp lines? Are you fucking kidding me? It's almost like making over a homeless guy. Like they get, it's just all over the place and then they line them up and when he walks out

you're like, I'm gonna fuck him. Yeah, yeah. I could go to Spanish Harlem and just sit there and just pay for Puerto Rican guys to get haircuts. Would you get one of their haircuts? That would be a great. You love doing crazy promo stuff.

Why don't you go to New York, go get like a Dominican fucking haircut. Yeah. So I had, I had a secret time. Secret time, I had a black guy line me up one time. I did Dizus and Miro. And their beard guy came in and he goes, you want me guy line me up one time. I did D.S. and Miro. And their beard guy came in and he goes, you want me to line you up?

And I didn't have the balls to say no. Yeah. Because I don't want to look like a black guy. Yeah. I mean, I don't mean that. I don't mind. You never, I came out weird. But like, fucking the dog.

Shut the fuck up. I don't want to look like that. Like, that's not, you know what I'm saying though? Yeah, yeah, I, you know what I'm saying? I mean, now I'm talking to you and I'm fucking, I think it's the one guy that might look like a white supremacist. You, you, you look like you're a person of color. Do you, you, you know what I mean?

He didn't mean, I don't want to look like a black guy. I don't mind wearing black face, but like, I'm saying, no, I'm getting, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. You don't want the traditional black eye haircut, like beard line. Yes, yes, the beard. I do mind like a white guy. And so, and so, it's kind of spotty.

And it's like a little sloppy and you're like, oh, is this kind of a cage fighter or a bartender? Yeah, yeah. He writes poetry, but he also knows how to make leather boots. Sure. And so, so you said go for it. No, I didn't have the balls to say, I don't want to make leather boots. Sure. And so... So you said go for it. No, I didn't have the balls to say, I don't want to look like you.

What did you say? I said, okay. And he fucking lined me up. I look like, do you remember in JoJo Rabbit when she puts the, the smut on her face and she goes, aww, I'm pretend, I looked like JoJo Rabbit. Like it was, they never aired the episode. They never aired it it was, they never aired the episode. They never aired it? No, they never did the episode.

Because of your face? I think so. It looked like cultural appropriation. It looked like I was trying to look like a black dude because it was, and they put ink on it. Like, they inked you up. Dude, I looked fucking ridiculous. I looked so fucking stupid. Did you say something? No. I looked fucking ridiculous. I looked so fucking stupid.

Did you say something? No! You just let it go. You just let it go. I like black face. It was literally, you're like, I love your culture, this is cool. And you know how I am when I hang out with dudes like that.

Like that most. Like I start doing a black accent with them. Sure, sure. I'm like, yeah, bro, you know, man. Yeah. Yeah. Look, I. I'm like, yeah, bro, you know, man. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Look, I own my brokenness.

And so you can't cancel me for shit I already know. Yeah, yeah. Whoo. 14 minutes, huh? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. That was good, man. Yeah, it was very, very good.

They never had the fucking episode, and then they broke up. Did they break up? No, I thought they just went to show time. Do you think we'll ever break up? Oh. Do you think, do you think, okay, if one person had to bend at the knee to keep us together, who would it be?

You. You. You're such a fucking cunt. You're like, you gun. You're like... I'm like what? No, I said you're lucky. I love you. I love you too.

No, but Leanne is the same way. She doesn't appreciate no one would ever love her the way I love her. No one would ever love you. No one would ever love you the way I love you. What are you talking about? Nobody? Nobody. Not a man.

Not a man. Not a man. Not a man. You don't think I love you too? Do you think Daniel Ricardo loves you more than me? No. Jason Mamoah. Tom Cruise does.

Tom Cruise does. Yes. Yes. B.P. and I are pretty close. I got a fucking, am I enjoying Scientology? You don't think I love you as well? No, you don't love me as much as I love you. How. You don't like I love you as well? No, you don't love me as much as I love you.

How do you know that? I know that. You say this all the time about Leanne too. You say that nobody would love her the way you love her. I don't understand why you assumed that no guy could love her as much as you do. No one would ever love her. No? The way I love her?

No. No one, no one, see, I have a capacity to love that the same way I want to drink, my intensity is a thank you, ma'am, that's nodding your head. Yes, I have a capacity to love. The same way I want to drink, my intensity is, thank you, ma'am, this nodding your head. Yes, I have a capacity to love. Some people, everyone in this room is, like, I look at the couples, one person loves the other person more than the other person loves the other person.

Everyone, raise your hand if you love the person more than they love you. Neither of them rape the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So by the way, you're right about that one. Good job. By the way, that's very visible. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She's a fucking dime and yeah. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I'm a little shocked. You're the only one I was looking at. And I was waiting for your hand to go up.

Her hands were in her pocket, and she's wearing a dress. Do you think you love me more than I love you? Yes. Why? I know it. How do you know it? Can I talk about you more? What do you mean? I talk about you all the time. Well, yeah, but you're not in a good way.

I talk about you all the time. Yeah, but you're not in a good way. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I talk about you in a good way. Do you know the risk I had to incur to get you your birthday present? That's Nazi memorabilia, dude. Like... CHEERING That's love.

Yeah. Man, I do not know. That's what... OK, I'll tell you one thing. Iless said to me, she's not a fan of Hitler's teacup. And she goes, it will not be coming into this house. She goes, it's got bad juju, dad, and I was like, I wouldn't use that word. So, is that Josh Potter? Mm-hmm.

Kinda looks like it though, right? A little bit. And so she said, so that night, R.E. texts me, and we're at dinner, and Ila grabs my phone and moves it and goes, no. I said, what? She goes, you're not texting him. I said, what? She looks at me dead serious. She goes, I think you need to reassess your friend group.

I said, what do you mean? She goes, your best friend for your birthday give you Nazi memorabilia. And your other best friend drugged you in her backyard in front of us. She goes, that if those were my friends, would you allow me to hang out with them? And I was like, Jesus, fuck. Yeah.

Yeah, she's on to something. Yeah. She's in New York right now. They flew behind Madonna. Madonna, yeah. She's in New York right now. They flew behind Madonna. Madonna, yeah. But, don't you? Did they get any stories, any?

Yeah, is it bad to... Yeah, right? Yeah, you can say it. I mean, I don't feel weird, but yeah, she listened to her own music. Really? Oh, is it on fucking Bluetooth? Like, was it on a speaker? I think I think it was because they listened to it also. Yeah, that's not headphones.

Yeah, I know. That's a real crazy person move on a plane. On a plane, she listened to material girl. I feel like I'm just gonna play this shit just I hope you guys like it. Okay. Are you, are you, when you see a person doing on a hike and they have their,

their Bluetooth speaker with them and their playing music out loud, are you for that or against that? I'm against it. I'm against it. Golf Course, do you allow Bluetooth speakers? No. Against it.

Against it. Against it. Fuck yes, fuck yes. I thought I was crazy. No, that is nuts. Yeah. I'm not a pro. I was on the phone coming down to go to the gym

to do bench press today. And uh. Oh today. And uh... Oh yeah! And I heard it went real well. I think I might be the strongest of the two of us. I think you could be, yeah. I think I'm pretty fucking jacked. You are.

I am like... I am like... And you're newly on the tee dog. Do... Testosterone. And titties. Yeah. And how are you feeling, you feel, right? I feel fucking phenomenal.

So we're gonna get, I wouldn't be shocked if I abused it. Yeah. I'm being serious. Well, you're, I'll watch myself and I'll cheat because I do 25 milligrams of tea three times a week. Yeah. And I'll, as I drain it out, I go, that says 28, whatever. Yeah.

Who cares? I'm the little extra jack this month. You're're you're dialing it up. I love it so much. How many milligrams do you do? I do 20 yeah three times a week. I'm 25. Yeah. Yeah. I Fuck it love it. Here's why I went on it. I have to do this photo disclosure because I can't I Have a weird thing about straight lying. I don't mind telling you a story And it's a little better than it really happened. But like, that's called being a human. But I can't like outright people looking, like I'm looking at you guys look at my arms

and I'm seeing your eyes, right? And so, I'm keeping my belly so I'm relatable, but I'm not my arms, saying shoulders, just fucking blow up. Speak for themselves, yeah. Dude, Shangula said, we were watching my special at his house, and he goes, bro, you're like low-key jacked, and I went, yeah, I know. On the special?

Yeah, we were watching the special, I'm low-key jacked. You're low-key jacked, and you're later special. I'm low-key jacked. Okay. That was a really unenthusiastic affirmation of that. And by the way, thank you, braids, for fucking, because I know that you're more jacked than me.

The, so, what was I saying? So your low key jacked. So this is why I got on it, because I know that you told me when you got on it. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, I don't want to fucking do that shit. And then I went to my cardiologist. And for the first time ever, oddly enough,

my liver enzymes were out of the norm. They're not bad, but just they're above it. And he goes, I wonder what could be leading to that. Uh, okay, I'll tell you. Okay. It's my, it's my cholesterol. That's it. No, it's not, no, it's tell you okay. It's my it's my Is it a restaurant? No, it's not no, it's not okay. That looks bad. That looks bad Wait the wait look at our cups together

That looks really fucking how he celebrates St. Pat is yeah, and how I celebrate this is not your first keep going in a trend So yeah, yeah You And so he said to me he goes does a sonogram of all my organs and he goes I think you're gonna you're getting a fatty liver and I went really and it's because it really is because of Obviously my drinking doesn't hurt help, but it's because of my cholesterol medicine I'm on a torver statin and and it's not great for your liver. And they doubled it because of to try to alleviate

heart-risk problems. And then he says to me, legit, I trust this fucking guy. He believed in COVID. And so, like early on, and then still does. And so, he said, hey, have you ever thought about getting on testosterone? I said my buddy's on testosterone.

And he goes, how's he feeling? I go, he looks fantastic. And he goes, you do look fantastic. And I said, and I said, and he goes, you should do it. It helps repair your liver. And I went, oh, dunz on. That's all you had to say. Well, it helps repair your liver, so then I went, and I talked to your guy, and Brigham,

shout out to Brigham. And over at Waste Wellness. And it Waste Well. It Waste Well. And Leanne got her all her blood work done because she had long COVID. And she's on a protocol, I'm on a protocol. I call it gear, because it's fucking Reids.

And Arnold's, I'm taking Arnold's every three times a week. And I fucking love it. I love it gear because it's fucking Roids and Arnold's I'm taking Arnold's every three times a week and I fucking love it. I love it so much So I love all of our is loving I love in counting myself with steroids. Yes, it's like there's a sexy part of it. You guys need to get on tea I mean, I don't know what you're waiting for Yeah, start young. That's the whole thing start young. Yeah, I have the energy of a 25 year old And you've only been on it for a month? A couple days. A couple days.

A couple days. A couple days. A couple days, and I'm already seeing results. Nice. A lot of reward programs are boring, like getting rewards for groceries. After draining half your savings on a carton of eggs, getting a few reward points is the least they can do.

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I hit 80s on my dumbbell press. What is wrong with me? Like legit fucking wrong with me. I tried testosterone and the first day I went, I love this stuff. You also realized you shouldn't be feeling it at all. You get excited about everything though. I love it. I know that you just said, I love it. The fact that I said, you get excited about everything. You go, I love it. I love all feeling it at all. You get excited about everything though. I love it. I know that.

You just said, I love it. The fact that I said, you get excited about everything. You go, I love it. I love all of it. I love all of it. You love everything. You know, many times you said it was the best night of my life to me about, like, I'll be like, how was last week and you know, it was the best week in my entire life?

And I'm like, oh, really? And then I'll see you fucking a month later. I'm like, how you doing? You like, I had the best night of my life last night. And I'm like, oh, okay. Where'd you go? I went to a restaurant. I was the best fucking meal I've ever had in my month later, I'm like, how you doing? You're like, I had the best night of my life last night. And I'm like, oh, okay. Where'd you go? I went to a restaurant. I was the best fucking meal I've ever had in my entire life.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, bullshit. Ryan, how great was that fucking steak last night? Is the best fucking, whoa, say it again, I love it. The best fucking steak I've ever had in my entire fucking life. There you go. Leane gets mad at me because I can quantify my favorite things I've ever had. Best cheeseburger I've ever had. Best breakfast burger.

Where's the best cheeseburger you ever had? I was swimming in great white sharks, just off the coast of Catalina. And a great white shark showed up. I was out of the cage and I saw the shadow and then I saw it move with what I would only say, intention. I've never seen an animal move with direct intention.

And so I got out of the boat and there was a Mexican one on a flat top and she was making cheeseburgers. And she goes, do you want a cheeseburger? I got out of the boat and there was a Mexican one on a flat top and she was making cheeseburgers and she goes, do you want a cheeseburger? I was still in the West. And I said, yeah, and mother fucker. I don't know what this woman's like in bed, but I would marry her for that cheeseburger. Yeah. She also sidebar, she made the best, second best breakfast breito I've ever had in my life, that morning. Wait, the same woman? Yeah. I would like to know, I'd like to get to know her.

You can, just go back to Catalina Island. She was on the boat, I don't even know how I get to fucking find it, I'm sure she's dead. Well, she was older, she was, you, you, you definitely think she's dead. I can't watch old movies now without going, they're dead. Yeah. Watch Caddy Shack, you go, uh, yeah, they're dead. Yeah. Watch Cady Shack and you go, uh.

Yeah, they're dead. Yeah, oh, they're most old couple. That's a peach hunt. They're dead. They're definitely dead. Judge Smales dead. We all die. I'm not crazy.

Isn't that crazy? Wow. Yeah. So you think you're gonna expand and get onto like, you know, Dekka and Windstraw, like all the really, like, really roied up? I would. Yeah.

I do a cycle of Windstraw. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, I'll tell you what now, if you send me to rehab, I'm definitely going to steroids. If I send you to re, oh. Like, if I ever get sent to rehab, I'll be like, yay, yay, yay, I buy new steroids, right?

Yeah. I need a rehab. I could use, I'll be like, yay, yay, yay, I can do steroids, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha. I need a rehab. I could use, I could use a rehab right now. I could just use a week off, would be cool. Do you realize that you're saying I could use a rehab and literally 28 minutes ago, you left a message on a guy's phone in front of me, you're like, I will be at your house

for the biggest fucking drink fest ever. Will we compete? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha from busing with the boys, right? Yes. X, what did he just... Tyton, he left tackle, yeah. He just got left tackle from the Titans. He just let go and he's doing, he's inviting a celebrity to his house to do the beer Olympics. Hockey, football, probably baseball, and he asked me if I'd come and then... No one's gonna beat Shane, right?

No, oh, I... Beer wise? Are we talking about... You're... We're talking about Bud Light. Right. Bud Light technically isn't drinking. Okay.

I mean, for real, I mean, I'm not even fucking around like drinking and dying from them. Doesn't he drink like 20? Yeah, oh, tray, yeah, but anyone can drink 20 Bud lights. I don't know about that. If you're counting, if you're gonna sit, okay, here's the deal. Yeah, of course you're counting.

That's the whole fucking, that's what I'm saying. No, but okay, hold on. If you're, this is how it works for me. If you, if you say, can you drink 20 Bud lights, I mean, maybe I'll have a tough time, but if you're my wife's friend who's a little bit of a con, and you're watching me drink, you go, that's 20 Bud lights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a big anxiety about stuff like that, like when you're like an all-you-can-eat-buffer, you never can do what I want to do to it. Why? It's like, it's like when, like, I'm in a sex with Leanne a little bit, when we have sex the next, when in New York tonight. Uh, uh, uh, someone's got to pay a tax. Yeah, yeah.

And so, she's buying two more ounces. She what? She's, fucking, she's out of control. What? She called me yesterday and she goes, the house behind us is for sale. I'm gonna buy it. She needs it.

You guys are on your fucking... She goes, I'm gonna buy it. I'm gonna buy it. I'm gonna just say yes on the one. All right, she goes. And just so you know, the house next to the studio, that's also for sale. I wanna buy it.

And I was like, Mother fucker. She's know the house next to the studio. That's also for sale I want to buy it. I was like mother fucker She's out of control. She's a lucky. I found her So you're buying two more houses. Yeah, and by the way for the record the skin I'm talking about on the an or is her feet It's her scaling. It's her feet. I just want to be clear. Her titskin, perfect. Shoulders. Shoulders, perfect. Arms, perfect. Stumic. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr All I gotta do is let you feel her feet once. And on the deal, I'll be like,

oh Tom, check out Leon's shoes. And you'll be like, oh, I'm gonna touch them. Oh my God. And I just, I just, you're like, I'm gonna use the finger by her feet, all creepy and shit. I'm like, hmm, those are nice shoes. God.

And I'll leave there, I should be like, Tom technically touched my feet. In the special, And I'll leave there and she'll be like, Tom technically tests my feed. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. And I'll leave there and she'll be like, Tom technically tests my feed. That's what I'm saying. And I'll leave there and she'll be like, Tom technically tests my feed.

That's what I'm saying. And I'll leave there and she'll be like, Tom technically tests my feed. I had a joke about Leanne, where I gave her an accent, and it was when I was working up the special, and she goes, I said what you think about the joke,

she goes, don't do that accent. I don't like that accent. It makes me sound stupid, no one. Well, the whole show now is that fucking accent. I do it top to bottom, the whole fucking show. I buy the Hayes of Comahedin. Hayes of Comahedin. I make her sound like the most country red neck

and she doesn't find it funny. But she doesn't have a strong accent. Thank you, Tom. Yeah. You know, she doesn't think she has an accent? At all, and her friend Sandy, who's from fucking Vietnam? She doesn't have a fucking accent. No, Leanne has a, like, a dominant, I mean, when I met her, I was like, who's this fucking redneck?

I didn't know it was your... Yeah. I didn't know that was your wife. I thought it was like somebody fixing shit at the house. I did. I thought it was like somebody fixing shit at the house. I did. I thought it was like the AC repair lady. And then, you know, this is my wife.

I was like, what the fuck, really? She was like, oh, thank y'all for coming over. I was like, okay. Hey, Tommy. Do you get that text from Tommy? Yes. And she'll call, and she really doesn't think she doesn't. And she's like, my daddy has an accent.

Like, you just said, my daddy. Yeah. You didn't hear yourself say, my daddy? Yeah. Yeah, that, and then I had to take a joke out from Eila. You did have to take jokes out? One joke, Eila made me take it out, offered her 10 grand.

You offered her 10 grand? I got to do 100 grand. I got to do 100 grand grand. I got to do $100 grand with her. So I'll give you $100,000. If you let me keep this joke in, she said, nope. You're flexing so hard this episode. I mean, wait, wait, let's just stop. You've just bought two more houses.

You offered a child $100,000 and you're wearing two fucking roll axes. I mean, you're like... Yeah. I want to thank the MGM Rewards at the MGM Grand Atloss Vegas. You guys are very kind to us. Yeah. And I genuinely thank you for this Rolex. Yeah. This one, this one, I'm sorry, this one. This one.

That was very cool. You guys are really awesome. And I hope we get to do more of these. And then that would be fucking ideal because this is fun. We do a podcast when you do it by yourselves and then I'll say something and then you'll make me feel crazy. And then I look at them and they go, no, no, no, I agree. What's up, we want, we want you to keep walking in that path. You know what I mean? So, no, I offered her a lot of money to let me keep it in. She said, no. She said, Dad, I get your money when you're dead.

I was like, wow. Can I use that in the next vessel? Yeah, she told me a joke in private that I then said and I've said on tour and When I then I recorded it and I told her it was in there and she went whoa Whoa, what are you doing? I was like I said it's in there. She goes not pull it out And so I pulled it out man. He mentioned if you hadn't told her. It just aired. You mean like her period party? Yeah Yeah, I know exactly what a reaction would be. What good?

Oh, it was not good. She watched it on, I told her on Conan because she got her period and then it was funny. And I told her on Conan and she watched it on Conan and she went, hold on and hit pause. She goes, can everyone see this? I said, it's television. She goes, I don't know if,

sounds like Leanne's been raising her own around her. I can't ever want. Don't worry, nobody else will see this. He know by going see it, but us. And I go, yeah, it's television. She goes, what do you mean, this is on TV? She goes, cause it's on her, cause you know, if you tether your phone goes, it's on her, because you know,

if you tether your phone to the thing, she thought she was watching that way. I said, oh, I'm a lot of millions of people are going to see this. And she goes, you told everyone I got my, she goes, well, my friends at school see this? And I went, oh, I didn't think of that. And I said, yeah, probably. And she was upset, noticeably upset. And then the next morning, probably, and she was upset. Notissibly upset.

And then the next morning, I got like five emails in my inbox. I mean, all of them were the same, but one of them said was the one that stood out. And I said, Ila, this message is for Ila. Ila, I want to let you know and thank you for letting your dad tell that story. I just got my period this morning and my mom showed me that clip.

It was on Facebook too. And I'm really freaked out about it, but tonight we're throwing myself a period party and I'm naming my period Doug. And I like, I could be emotional about it. I'm going to be fucking around because I like came in and was like, so like, we did a good thing? I say, yeah, baby, we did a good thing. Yeah.

I guess, I don't know how to, I guess that's how it works. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, sure. Yeah, it's a good thing. You didn't have to like, you know, spoiler with something to make up for it? No. She didn't give a fuck about anything. She did, yeah, she didn't fly first class, you know, spoiler with something to make up for it. No. You don't even give a fuck about anything.

Yeah, but you didn't fly first class yesterday. What the fuck? You've been talking about that a lot. I'm bothered that they sat first class. They don't need to. They don't need to. No, they can, they don't notice the difference between first class and business class. Hold on, watch this, watch this.

I mean, I'm being serious. Like, I know the difference between first class and business class. It's a meal. It's a service. What's that for? The seats are bigger. No, no, I'm being serious. Like, I know that it's been first class business class. It's a meal, it's a service. It's a service. The seats are bigger and... No, no, no, not often. And by the way, they're tiny human beings. Business is a lot for these ladies.

And it's a service and I guarantee you, Ale didn't fucking eat, she didn't drink. She didn't like, oh, fucking bothers me. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Like, would you fly your boys in first fucking class? Well, they're four and seven. I mean, no, I'm saying like,

what am I gonna be like, I'll see you guys when we get there. I like, they gotta be. Yeah, yeah, yeah, my bad. They gotta be with me, you know? Yeah, I guess you gotta sit with them at that age. Yeah. They'd be like, where are you going, dad?

I'm like, well, we're all going there, but you just won't see me for the flight. I got a middle seat. You know what this little fucker did yet? So we went on, it was their spring break. We went on, we went on. Put on your other Rolex. Just put on your other Rolex, so I don't look like a lunatic.

Hold on, let me put on your other Rolex. Let me tell the story first. So... We both want fucking Rolex. He's sitting here because he's so unrelatable with people. He's trying to protect. He's a fat poor right now! He's a fucking loomist! That's it! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh shit! So... Keep going with your stuff. Oh, shit. So keep going with your story. So my kids had spring break this past week. We went and we rented a house. And in Georgia.

Yeah, yeah, in Georgia. So why Georgia? I'd been there when I was a kid. And so I brought my cousin and his kids. So it's time for bed. And you know when kids are this age, if you make a promise to them, they're really big. You don't wanna like pull back.

So earlier in the day, we were like, he was like, can I have Dr. Pepper? And we were like, all right, later. So. This is your oldest, right? It's my oldest. So right before, he's like, I don't even get to talk to a person.

He's the sweetest child in the goddamn world. Your oldest is fucking his kid. So wait, I look at a scout for the two of six, six, six. So it's like, it's a movie. It's time for bed, but they don't have school the next day. I was like, you know what, you can have, you can have a little, I don't want to give them a can. So I pour some into a cup like this and I go, here you go.

And then I'm saying, good night, it's Julian, the youngest. And when I say, all right, good night, I turn around and I'm like, where's Alice? So I walked into the hallway and he's going down the stairs, right, holding us up, I go, where are you going? And he goes, I'm gonna go downstairs. You have to edit this out of that show and tell that on stage.

That is fucking hilarious. That was, yeah, I was like, hold on. That kid, that kid is, is, is special in like the funnest fucking way. He is something else, dude. My dad said to me when we were home, my dad goes, Hey, did Tom's kid really give you toilet water? I said, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And he goes, oh, I'm gonna meet this kid. I hope I'm alive for his 21st birthday. How old will I be? It'll be, uh, what is it? 13, 14 years from now. Oh, I got that. Yeah, you're gonna be like 98. Ninety four?

Yeah. Man, I may not be drinking, but yeah, I'll be there. God, that'll be fun. Coke doesn't fuck with your liver, does it? Coke? No. He does coke all the time. Look at that guy's fucking arm.

He's fine. Yeah. God. Jesus, look at this paparazzi with the fucking gun. I know. He doesn't shoot up either. He's fucking T-Free. Is he T-Free? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm a do you look forward to St. Paddy's day? You know, not at all. But I don't care for, I mean most of the like make belief. Do you know what the, what, where it came from? We wrote it down. Some make belief.

Same Patrick Paul. No, I know. Snakes out of Ireland. Patrick's Day first started to honor, same Patrick on the anniversary of his death. The Christian people held their fees for which Lenten food and alcohol restrictions were temporarily removed, which is why it has become synonymous with drinking. Yeah. He was basically-

It's a holiday we have. Christianity to Ireland. The best holiday? I would love. I'll tell you what. This is your favorite fucking holiday? St. Patrick's Day? Yeah.

What's that? Oh, it's his birthday, how it- Your birthday's on St. Patrick's Day, and you have red hair? Shut the fuck up! God, how do you not have a little person friend? That you love do you love St. Patrick's Day because it's your birthday? You party every year, but you would do that probably because it's your birthday and not a holiday. Yeah

You also have four daughters way to go way to fucking go you married a gamer Leanne my biggest regret is we didn't have a third daughter. I would love a 12 year old right now. Like not me. Come on. I would love it. No. You fuck you Pete.

You know what I'm trying to say. I said it to you when you agreed with me. And Lacey, this is bullshit. I would love it. What do you think? Like that one? Good clip? I would love a younger child at my house.

I would love, hold on. You know what I'm saying? You have four fucking kids. I would love one more kid. One more kid. You would love? That's what our Kelly said. One more kid.

You would love if you and your wife could have another child. She knew we were in the hot tub and she said, she goes, I ain't got my period. And I said, I was like, for real? She's like, yeah, and I was like, aww. She goes, I think I'm a menopause dummy. And I was like, ugh. I was like, God, I went from having a baby to an old lady.

Ugh. How old is she? 52. 52. 52. I like her. Ugh. Ugh. How old is she? 50, hey. 50. 52. 52? 52.

I like her. Yeah. I do. It's fucked up that I do. You think it'd be crazy when like what she turns 60? No, I won't be there. I'm not going to be there for that birthday. No.

Oh. That's when I'm fucking her granny. Like that's like, she'll look like her granny. Yeah. And I remember her granny. I don't know if I'm, I don't, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like when you think about death and you're like, you be me, me, me, me, me, me.

Yeah. No, I'll love her, I'll love her. You think so? Yeah. You think you'll love her in the way that you love your granny? You know what I mean? You think you'll just treat her like an old lady at that point? No.

Well, you treat her like a sexually viable woman. She's still got it, man. Also, then that's good. Like, she's a 52, a 52. She does the thing. She can, she knows how to... That thing with her tongue. I was trying to say this here the other day.

Yeah. I remember. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I didn't, I'm not, I don't eloquate. I don't eloquate myself. That's a word. I don't eloquate myself. Never mind, I lost my thought. It was something that you're giving her a compliment. You said that she really still has it. That's what she said.

She's still got it. Yeah, let me see if I can catch the thought again. Okay. She's still got it. I got something for you. What? Gaze. You've been really high on gays lately. Okay. She's still got it. I got something for you. What? Gaze.

You've been really high on gaze lately. Dude, if I could invest money in anything, it would be at homosexuality. Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you right now, gay dudes. Or where it's at. Are killing it. Are fucking killing it.

I don't know. I don't know. I never saw it coming this way. I'm not being serious is that I have more affection for gay dudes. Like if there was a gay bar stool sports, I'd sign up for the fucking website. Yeah. Because gay dudes online are crushing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you did yeah, you did Dakota right. Yes, you did yes Yes, fucking boom God damn it. This kid's good. I told you man this kid. No, you showed me you showed me a clip Yeah, Dakota right is the most adorable dude. I've ever I love his husband Jackson. He is awesome

Get on your phone right now. If you're listening to this podcast This is a special episode. This is your one takeaway Google to code her right and follow him on Instagram. He is so Fun he's gonna put you in a great fucking mood. I showed you his video backstage. Yeah, I should Shane Gillis and I he's like he's like I'll Yeah, Shane Gillison, I, he's like, I'll get you to crush it. I got one dude I follow. I go, what's his name? He goes to code. I go to code right. He is adorable.

I mean, I hope he's cool with me saying it this way. It's he's younger, but he's adorable. He's fucking funny as shit. And he does videos where he's like, hey, y'all. BJ Pan's orders. And he's like, for to drink, can I get, I'm gonna get a margarita, cause I love a Rita.

Like he is just, and I started doing them on my Instagram and then sending them to him. And he was like, can I give you some insights on your martini orders? I was like, oh yeah. He is awesome. And then I follow another dude, Luke and his sassy brother Scott.

Do you follow them? Luke and sassy Scott, they just got hair transplant and they're fighting. And Luke is living with their mom. And by the way, Luke isn't gay. I just found that out. Because Luke hit me up. He's like, hey man, I'm like,

yeah, I was like, oh, but he doesn't care his brother's gay. And so, they live in Melbourne, I'm gonna see them, I'm in Melbourne in April, and I wanna meet them. But gays are crushing it. Like, where are the bros at, right? Like, bros have fallen off artistically. They had a moment when bar stool launched, and bar stool was like, and like Saturdays are for the boys, right? That was a moment, tarps off for the boys.

That was a moment, and now Gaydudes just took the baton. Front and center. And fucking deep-throated. And they're fucking us. So you're all in. HBCU, HBCU cheerleaders. Yep Gay dudes steroids steroids Tug life

Puerto Ricans getting their haircut Watch loss are for poor people don't forget that dude. I'm I went top to bottom on a washcloth today Yeah, I love a good washcloth, Especially the ones here at the MGM Grand Rewards at the MGM Grand at Las Vegas. Thank you so much. Yes. They put us up in a dope fucking place. And the shower was so good,

I had to read a manual to figure out how to work it. Listen, that is one of the, it is undervalued how great showers are in Las Vegas. When you get to a Las Vegas hotel room, I feel like the shower is part of the experience of being in Las Vegas. Dude, this shower had a computer panel. Yeah.

I had to figure out how to turn the water, and then I hit the computer panel, and I hear, I go, there's a fucking snake in here. Yeah. It turned into a sauna. Yeah. It turned into a sauna. Yeah. It turned into a sauna. Did yours have the light show too?

You could pick different colors. They have four nozzles to spray your tits. Like you got stopped at deportation. Yeah, yeah. And then I close them down. He's not from this country or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a big fucking rain one.

And then I just went, I was like, I don't give a fuck about the planet. I turn every water on. I was like, I don't give a fuck about the planet. I turned every water on. I was like, I even turned the sink on, I just left it running. Flushed the toilet twice, got in the shower, and I, big washcloth, I topped about it, and did my whole body, my feet, and my toes too, and then got out of the house.

Yeah, it's wild. And then, man, you don't do it at home? Right, you say you don't do it at home? You don't, it's wild. Yeah, and then, man. You don't do it at home? Right, you say you don't do it. Barely shower. Are you barely shower? I barely shower in life.

Pool shower. I'm a pool shower. I'm a pool shower guy. But like, my shower right now is a V. It's, I do my hair and my beard always. I'm really weird about that. Correct. And then it's pits and jock, asshole, and that's it.

That's pretty much what you need. I mean, those are the fucking knees, clean legs. Does anyone be like, oh, bro, your legs smell. Yeah. God, man, she's hot. Do you always wash your legs? You always go thorough on the legs? Okay, let's go. Okay, ready? Ready? No. Let's all play a game. Raise our hands.

And let's see where you tap out. Okay? Everyone raise your hands. Okay. Okay. Every day I wash my hair. Hmm. Wow.

Oh, that's women, that's women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, hands back up, hands back up. All right. Every day I wash my face. Hmm. Okay. Every day I wash my armpits Okay, every day I wash my armpits.

Hands back up. Yeah. Every day I wash my front bottoms. Yeah, you're crotch. Crotch? Every day I wash my back bottoms. You can definitely scrub your ass all every day. You should.

Yeah. She put two hands up. I'd like to see her naked. Okay, so who washes there, like, every day I wash my legs? Boom, out. Oh look at these, I can't see. Look at this fucking red right here. He's like, how about every day I wash my feet? Whoa.

Every day. And she's really pretty. Yeah, she's pretty. But you're an amputee, what did you say? You work construction? So you work construction? Like, hold on, hold on, look at her. You work construction.

What do you do construction-wise? You're a heavy equipment operator. Wow. How? And beautiful. She is beautiful. What are, like, how? Look at Victoria just went to look at her.

Yeah. So what degree have you experienced a sexual harassment on the workplace? A lot a lot. Yeah. Are you gay? Are you gay? Oh? No, okay She applauded for that. Okay. Okay. So yeah, how many people only wash their feet if there's something on your like you were in tar or right? No tar yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like you walk on the beach.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, another game. How many people work with tar? One person. Yeah, the lady we're talking to. You are, how did you get into construction? Mountain business. Oh, that makes sense. All right.

That tracks. OK, who? There's a really cool thing you can do here in Vegas where you can work. You can get in the machines that they do for every construction. Yeah. Like the big fucking cranes and you can play with them. I did it before. It's really fun. I've done so much shit in Vegas. I've shot 50 Calibers. I got proposition by the most beautiful prostitute that I've ever seen in my life. She propositioned you. She came up to me and she said,

hey, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, this is when I was before I met Leanne. And I was like, uh, following you around. And she was like, why don't we just go straight to your room? And I was like, done. And I was like, are you being serious? And she goes, yeah, I'm being dead serious. And I was like, okay, she was $1,500.

At the time, that was an insurmountable amount of cash for me. Yeah. Today, it would be a hard no. I would be like, I can't do this. I'm married to a 52 year old woman. Can you keep a secret? I would literally, I might have sex with her and then murder her just to, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cover up the evidence. Yeah. Call up a construction company. You guys putting down tardy. But I got a plan. She was so beautiful. I had one at the elevator bank. She's grabbed my crotch one time. And I thought I was just like, yeah, I thought I was just like,

oh, I look good. I don't know. And then she was like, no, no, this is gonna cost you. I was like, yeah, I thought I was just like, oh, I look good, I don't know. And then she was like, no, no, this is gonna cost you. I was like, oh. If Christina passed away today, would you, would you? Yeah, what? What? What?

Yeah. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Oh, I got a fucking, I should put that in my notes of like, because I bet when you're grieving, you're probably like, oh, what do I do next? But if you had already set it up like when you were in a great mood

and you're like, oh, if she dies, as a joke, you know, if she dies, these are all the chicks I want to fuck. And I should put a notes on that so that it never happens. I'm like ready for that. You should have it put it in your phone. Put add those notes. Adrianna Chechic. God, that's the only time I've ever gotten in trouble from this podcast. You should have it put it in your phone. Put add those notes. Adrianna Chechic. Huh.

God, that's the only time I've ever gotten in trouble from this podcast. Really? I swear to God, I got, Leanne got pissed. Really? At me? Fucking snitches. You fucking, I'm not talking to you guys.

I'm talking to you listening right now. Get in your fucking comments. What happened? What did they do? I guess I said something to the effect of My wife is old as fuck Leand doesn't care about that. That right right. This was the thing she cared about I Would be powerless over you. Oh

Yeah, and by the way, I go baby. It's a thought bubble. I'm trying to start a thought because we're talking We have to talk for a fucking living and so I'm just trying to think of a thing. And I guess you were like, I wouldn't, or whatever, I don't know what the fuck you said, but I love my wife. I would never cheat on her. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, but I, but I,

I just meant it like her and Christy Mack are the only two people I've ever met where, and I'm saying it again, and she's gonna get upset again, and you little fucking smitches are going into her fucking comments and posting it Really and reads all her stupid fucking comments and I go I just I'm just saying what did they say to her? I don't know Bird is powerless bird is being disrespectful towards your relationship and you shouldn't be powerless Because because the end goes but you've never cheated on me

I go yeah, and I've had opportunities, and I've always said, no, I've had a ton of opportunities. We had a chick sneak on our bus one time. By the way, could have driven to Oshkosh with us. She was hot. And she was hanging out in the back. She's snuck into our bus and hid on our bus. This is back when it was just me, Andrew, Ron, and...

What? So, was she hiding one of the bunks? She hid in the back bedroom. That's your bedroom. I know. Yeah. So what happened? Uh, I thought you were my wife.

I was like, ah, I'm drunk right now. I can't see very clearly. Where are my contacts? I fucked your accent right out of you. Leah, stop talking. No, I said to her, I sincerely appreciate it, but I'm married and I know it's you no more wife. It's my go-to thing.

It's very easy to cheat if you know what you say when that thing happens, and you just say it out loud, and you say it. And then I just go, I don't know my wife, and I don't. And then she got off, And then Ron said to me, Ron said, the next day he goes, can I tell you why you're a man of good fortune? I said, why? And he goes, because you said no to that sweet pussy last night.

I said, it's easy, Ron. And Ron turned around. This is a moment I fell in love with Ron. He goes, man, this job fucked up my first marriage. I said, you're just a bus driver, Ron. And he goes, he looked at me and he goes, you'd be shocked what a bitch will do for a nelly headband.

And I fell in love with him that fucking day. And I was like, dude, we're gonna be best friends. And so yeah, but with Adrian and Tetchik and Christie Mack, there are the two chicks that I've been around where I go, where you just say, you're trying to acknowledge that they're fucking, I mean, fucking goliaths of sexuality. And so I was trying to acknowledge it

and it came out disrespectful. So for that, I am forced to apologize. No, I'm not really, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. No, but yeah, I'll do it again. I'm sure I'll. No, I'm not really, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. No, but yeah, I'll do it again. I'm sure I'll fuck it up again. Do a what?

Fuck up and I'm just too honest. I just say everything I think. I think every. This I can confirm. Yeah. I don't like look at a thought and then go, oh, that's going to, I lost a joke book one time. Oh boy. You want to talk about scary.

Imagine if you had all your secret thoughts and you wrote them down. That's what we do. All your secret thoughts that you found were funny. And then all your secret thoughts are now out there in the world and someone adds it. That's when I get canceled. Yeah. There's a lot of weird secret thoughts in there. A lot of hard-hars in that notebook, right? No. No, I don't write that word. I don't write that word.

I use the word pancakes. Oh, shit. What? Papa John? Papa. Yeah, I know. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,, we just, he's over there. Coach Norvel, the FSU football coach stood up and he was like, hey, what's up to us, right? So we were like totally geeked out. And then we talked to him, he gives us his fucking phone number,

which we were thrilled about. And then we turn around and I go, Bert, that's Papa John. And he's like, where? And I go, the fucking jet black Steven Segal head over there. That's Papa John. And he was like, Tom, big fan, we did a lot of life. I love the shit you say, keep going after him.

Keep going, I mean, shacks and assholes. Yeah, he was a- We should, I'm being dead serious. We should really double down those two bare sports management and start recruiting kids at a high school for FSU. Yeah, do you know who came to my Tampa show? Derek Brooks.

That's fucking yeah. Do you want to hear something fucking sane? This is going to blow your mind. This is the podcast part where we just we talk. I feel like we're doing a show, but also like this. And so, no, I'm good. I don't know what you're offering me, but I'm probably good. Oh no, no, I thought it was a vial of Coke.

I was like, I got balls. Yeah. Derek Brooks comes to my show and he presents me like, when you saw something, the arena, they give you like a fucking lightning jersey and it's the gasp of a lightning jersey so it's like kind of means a lot, some from Tampa. And then we talk and then I go,

can I introduce you to my dad's, my dad's a big floor state and Bucks fan. Derek Brooks played for the Bucks and for the Florida state. Hall of Famer. Hall of Famer. Yeah. So we go back and I bring Derek Bucks second, my dad lights up. My dad, by the way, it's the first time he's ever seen me perform stand up live.

Never seen me do stand up. This is crazy to me now. He's been in the show. He's been in the show. He's been in the show. He hides in the back and doesn't listen. Because he gets nervous for it. He gets nervous.

So I got him a sweet up in the top. Wade Boggs was in his suite. He was like, Wade fucking Boggs knows you, buddy. I was like, yeah, I know that. And so Derek Brooks comes back and he goes, he goes, Mr. Christy, it's got to be crazy to see where your sons come from where he started. And my dad goes, yeah, I've never seen him do stand up.

And Derek Brooks goes, I was there the first night your son did stand up. And I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, I've never seen him do stand up. And Derek Brooks goes, I was there the first night your son did stand up. And I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, pop bellies. I was at that show. I was like, Derek Brooks saw me do stand up at pop bellies. And he was like, yeah, man, I went with miles and I was like, shut the fuck up.

This is like at a local restaurant. There's a yeah, it's at pop bellies. It's a bar in Tallahassee. And Derek Brooks was there. And then he saw me do it at the Amelia Arena in Tampa, and I was like, that's fucking my dad got emotional. He was like, buddy, Derek Brooks knows who you are. I was like, yeah, dad, I'm fucking... MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Mike Allstop was that that show? That's right. Wade Boggs.

Who else was it? It was a fucking, it was thick with athletes. Yeah. But yeah, so, well, that story went nowhere. Uh, that's how it goes sometimes. Thank you. What's again, MGM rewards at the MGM Grand at Las Vegas. Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Happy St. Patrick's. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Should we do like a one minute Q&A? Okay. Because people are here and I don't know if there's any like fun questions. Yes, ma'am, with a adorable haircut. We're getting very small. Whoa!

Congratulations to both of you. Congratulations. Young lady with the blonde hair. Where are the party's The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other.

The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other.

The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. The other. lady with the tattoos. You have a real beating David Walter. Woo! Oh.

Oh. Isn't that great? I gotta tell you. If you guys don't, hold on. I can't believe that's your question. Because what my question was was, how terrified were you to use your body again on a basketball court?

A little bit. And he played hard. I played hard. Well I, well, I said like, you could tell that I would, I was scared to do more defensively. If you watch, like, I'm just kind of like, like, can I, yeah, your brain still is like, your knee's gonna explode. They, first of all, the, why? Hey, did I, did my joke about Tom making in the special disabled comedian who can't do this? Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. I haven't seen it yet.

Well, spoiler alert. Just so you know, I've got one coming about you. I think you're gonna like, uh, just you know, I got a real good one that I'm doing now. I've heard. I've heard. So, so wait, keep going about the... So, yeah, look, David Walter, the weatherman from Erie, that flew down to Austin to play basketball, one-on-one. It was actually an awesome experience. If you're watching, there's what we're playing at 21, at one point I'm up 20 to, I didn't remember, 20 to 11. And he comes back and scores six uncontested.

I was like, oh, fuck! Like, he was doing shit like over the back. I saw these shots. It looked like he did not know how to play basketball. It looked crazy. Yeah. But it was an awesome experience. He was a great dude.

And I was, I really, I think I, if I had lost, I actually think I would have physically assaulted him. Yeah. I think I would have been arrested. Yeah. Go ahead, man. Sure. So while OJC is a big pet peeve about each other, I think I would have been arrested. Go ahead, man. Sir, sir Good question. It is a good question

Tom's always comp him many my standup and it makes me uncomfortable He's like you're so much better than I am No, I can't my my biggest pet peeve about Tommy is I can't get him to match my emotion at times. Because I want him to be excited as excited as I am and sometimes I just watch his eyes go, no, I'm leaving now. If I could get Tom to never say no, I'm leaving now. Again, he's done it so much.

Like, I can't understand it. Like you do Rogan with Tom and you're having a good time. He's like, I'm like, I can't understand it. Like, you do Rogan with Tom, and you're having a good time. He's like, I'm leaving. And you go, hang on, we're doing the biggest media outlet in the world. Like, give us like one more minute. He goes, I'm walking out now. Goodbye. All right, next, you don't answer your Stone Answer. I don't want to hear it.

No, for you, it's definitely that, like, where? He just, I will text him. I don't want to hear it. No, it's definitely that, like, where are we? He just, I will text him and call him sometimes for like a week straight. And then I'll finally get, I'm like, the fuck, and he's like, I'm busy. I'm like, we're all busy.

And he's just like, I just got to go. And then he hangs up on that call. So it's definitely getting a hold of you. Yeah, I'm really tough to get a hold of. I'm really tough. Like he's the fucking prime minister. I get, I have a social anxiety. Yeah, I've been around him. Like I know you're living on your phone.

You're fucking storing every second of your day. You're seeing these calls. I got busted the other day. I think it was Pete. I don't know, he didn't call me on it, but I posted something on Instagram, and then he called me and I pretended to be asleep. And he goes, he goes, what are you doing?

I said, I'm sleeping and he was like, oh. Yeah. I side with Pete. Look, we have to wrap. No, no, no, no, one more, one more, one more. Let's just clean out our questions. They're never going to get this opportunity again

because you live in a golden tower. Go ahead. Come on, let's just clean out our questions. They're never going to get this opportunity again, because you live in a golden tower. Go ahead. Come on, that's your problem. Make it's good. Have I come? Yeah, yeah, I did. I did. I did.

Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Thanks for your support. Thank you. Sir, that look like you stormed the cap hole. Have you ever made contact with cars? No, the closest I got was the nephew of his tour manager.

And it's, he knows. That's what we know. Yeah, he knows. You know, it's, the guy in the two bears hat. Nice for a new girl, dad. Advice for a new girl, dad. A new girl, dad? Ha, ha, ha.

They're different. Don't threaten them with lies. Treat her like a boy. There you go. Yeah. They don't threaten them with lies. Fucking did that so much. All right. You guys are fucking boarding school. Anybody else don't? I was like, this was a lie. All right. All right.

Brother in the black and then this guy. Brother in the black. You guys gonna go back to one up and each other after we get to your Tika? I'm on birthday's coming up. I know, I know. Are you getting me something? No, yeah, I'm trying. He's, as are guys, it's very difficult. Well, because I want to get you something good.

I want to get, I'm not, I'm not gonna be able to. Did you like the statue I got? I love the statue. Well, that's the thing is I like that and then I would like to I don't know It's tough. It's hard to beat Hitler's fucking T cup It is just hard to beat it. I don't know how to fucking beat it. So I got to go parallel Okay, so yes sir sir in the back One do Do That's a part of tonight's people. I want you to do one, don't. One, do.

Do, go to a strip club. Don't do cocaine. That's it, that's good. That's great advice. One more time. Yes. I want to thank personally, the people over at the MGM Rewards at the MGM Grand at Las Vegas.

You guys are fantastic. This is a great fucking event. Thank you for are fantastic. This is a great fucking event. Thank you for hosting us. It's a great fucking event. Thank you so much. Standing ovation. If you're listening right now, standing ovation. Standing ovation.

Shorts are coming off. Shorts are coming off. Shorts are coming off. Shorts are coming off. Shorts are coming off. This is what TV looks like baby Bert and Tom Tom and Bert one goes top to swap the other wears a shirt Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean Here's what we call

Sue bears one cave No scripts a bit of booze amateur Fatology dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.