2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Does Katt Williams Hate Us? | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: January 29, 2024

SPONSORS: Head to https://Manscaped.com and use code: BEARS to get 20% off with free shipping. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom shares his experiences from a recent trip to Japan, the delicious cuisine there, and Bert tries his best not to interrupt. The bears also discuss accents, addicts, geishas, the Grateful Dead, George R.R. Martin, meeting famous people, El Paso, the Golden Globes, 5K by May, and much more! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 221 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If I ran into Cat Williams, I geeked the fuck out. On Cat? And I know I'm probably one of the white boys he hates. I'm certain. I mean, that's six comedians of Rogan that he hates. Me, you, Ari. Ari's twice, probably. You know you don't like Ari.

100%. On average, it takes about 30 days for a person to break their New Year's resolution. So if saving money was on your 2024 list, your odds aren't looking that great. Luckily, I have a 100% guaranteed way to save you money this year. Just switch to Mint Mobile. For a limited time, wireless plans from Mint Mobile are just $15 a month when you purchase a three-month plan that's unlimited.

Talk, text, and data for just $15 a month. Think about what those savings are. Think about what you spend now on your wireless bill. And if you cut it to just 15 bucks a month, what you save in a year, what you save over three years, 10 years, I mean this really adds up. MidMobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans for just 15 bucks a month.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with you and all your existing contacts. Ditch overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile's limited time deal and get premium wireless service for just 15 bucks a month. To get this new customer offer and your three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MintMobile.com slash bears. That's MintMobile.com slash bears. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash bears. Additional taxes fees and restrictions apply.

See MintMobile for details. And we're back and guess who's here? The guy without diabetes, by the way, you told everyone I had diabetes and this guy came up to me at the show and he was like, hey man, I got diabetes too. That's what I wanted to happen. And like, oh, it got,

last night. So I don't have my glasses on. Did you see the one for the American Diabetes Association? No. Oh, you haven't seen that? No. We did a whole thing. We're like, Bert is so thankful for the things you guys do for the community. You know, this podcast can be so good for your soul and then so destroying at the same

time. Wait, what happened last night? So let's just backtrack. You know, it's really been really fun watching everyone change their lives with this 5K by May. We got Jelly Roll involved. So many people. By the way, you look great. Thank you very much. You look great. Thank you.

I feel fucking hot. And so, I feel fucking hot. Like I wore a belt buckle the other night on stage and I could sit down in it and it didn't cut into my stomach. That's great. Yeah, it's a big move. What are you down to?

I don't know, I don't weigh myself anymore. No more weighing? No, what I do is I look to see if I have obliques. If I have obliques, then I'm still on the right path. Okay. So, I love the good stuff that comes out of this podcast. It's so fun. Look, we shame the Kelsey brothers

and then we get so in their grill, Jason Kelsey goes full Burt Kreischer and rips his shirt off of the game. Oh, he retired. We're in their head, Tom. We're in their fucking head. Yeah, that's right. You know, for a fact, Taylor Swift looked at Jason Kelsey and was like,

yeah, they got you. They got you. Yeah. And then there's times like last night, I went to Rina in my Amarillo I Don't know I only stayed in arena to let you know that it was a plethora of people That a guy says to me in the audience Hey, I got something for you and I said okay, and he threw it on stage

He goes I know you'll love it and I don't have my glasses on It's Nazi memorabilia. In front of arena full of people that not everyone knows the joke. Of course. And then I go, this is I see the crest, the Nazi crest. And I go, is this Nazi memorabilia? And he goes, I knew you'd love it. And I then had to back out of why I had to explain why I was getting Nazi memorabilia.

Explain that I did not want Nazi memorabilia. I then was like, how the fuck did you by not find Nazi memorabilia? Yeah, you can get it. And then everyone's like, where's the teacup? And I'm like, duh. I get yelled teacup quite a bit. Yeah.

So somebody, another person with diabetes talked to you? Comes up to me in a very vulnerable moment. He was like, hey man, I just got diagnosed too. I know what you're going through. And I was like, what are you talking about? He was like, tattooed diabetes. Tom said you have diabetes. I know what that is.

Man, it's scary. We changed our life. And I was like, bitch, I changed my life. What the fuck are you talking about? I love diabetes. And then I get defensive. And then I'm like. And then they're like, dude, it's scary, we changed our life and I was like, bitch, I changed my life. We fucking talking about a lot of diabetes. And then I get defensive. And then I'm like. And then they're like, dude, it's okay.

And then they get offended that I'm like, but I got caught so fucking off guard. If I had a nickel for every time someone brought up, Hitler's teacup, diabetes, me losing my foot, me getting my liver drained. That's awesome. But the thing is, the diagnosis helped you. You look great. I don't have to.

I wonder how close I was to diabetes. You know who actually got diabetes? I can name five people, five comics. Oh yeah, okay. But he just did a total dramatic change and because you can you can get yourself out of type 2 was Dean Delray? Oh, yeah, he did and by the way got it He said because he was trying to get on a health kick and he so he started to drink juice Right, so he was like every morning I go get juice here than another juice and the juice

It was just so much sugar. He gave himself juice here than another juice in the juice. And it was just so much sugar. He gave himself type two diabetes. And so he thought he was doing the healthy thing, you know, and then those Joe's juice cleanses, like early Rogan, when he would really call it hulk com. Yeah. And you'd do that. And then you'd feel sick and get diabetical.

Like this. Yeah. And diabetes. I remember Duncan. I don't know why this always sits. Anytime I see almond milk, I remember Duncan Trussell saying one time, I think it was in front of Joe. He has diabetes.

What? Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah. How the fuck does he have diabetes? Recently diagnosed, yeah. Are you being serious? 100%. Really? Yeah. I remember him, you know. So it's you, Dean, Duncan.

Who else? I wonder what my numbers are right now, because I've been carnivore for 176 days really yeah, I've Cheated like on Thanksgiving. I had a photo of you on my phone last night That from like a few months ago that I was like I mean Unrecognizable, right? You don't realize you don't realize you know, I wish I could go back and take all the times people I wonder if I'm gonna do that now

Because like I've had two people Like two guys in recovery that say to me, you know, you're an alcoholic and then I'm like I'm not drinking right now Like that's and they're like you're an alcoholic. You need to be in a recently very recently Like a week ago. Are they comics? One is. Two are. Yeah, two are.

Two are. One is Bobby Lee. What'd you say to him? There's no way to quantify to someone with real alcoholism and drug addiction. Like, Bobby's like, I think Bobby would admit this. Yeah, he's an addict. He's like, he's an addict. He's an addict with like all of them are sex addicts, which I don't, I can't really wrap my head around.

I was like, I never got. It's the same, it's the same thing. It's filling that whole. Do they jack off like four times a day? Not necessarily, no. They can't control fucking other people. Well, it's not that they can't control it. It's that they're going for it to fill this gap.

It's like this impulsive thing. Like this will make me feel better. And then they feel empty. It's like having a drink, right? And like this will soothe the thing. And it's like, well, it doesn't. So I'll go have another one. You know? Yeah, I don't know. It's an addiction. Yeah, I don't like, but it's hard to, you can't defend yourself. It's like a shark attack victim going, you know there's sharks out there and you're like, no, I know you're missing your arm. But I've been in the ocean and I've been okay a couple of times.

I'm gonna go back in. I'm gonna keep going back in. Like I enjoy the ocean, I'm not gonna stop surfing. Like that's the only reason I got in shape is why I keep drinking. It's the only reason I got in shape. The only reason I got in shape. Was to keep drinking?

So I could keep drinking. Yeah, I got in shape for a lot of reasons. Number one, I couldn't see my dick. I couldn't get, there was, I couldn't get out of a couch. There was like, it was getting out of a couch was a fucking, I couldn't tie shoes. That's a real thing. Oh, coffee. Thanks for you. No, is this cool if I drink coffee? Is this an addict move? Fucking cunts. Fucking cunts. No alcoholic ever looks at you and goes, you know the only person that's ever told me I'm not an alcoholic in the whole society. Dr. Drew.

Dr. Drew. He's like, I don't think you're an alcoholic. I just think you like to drink. And I read, you know, look, I don't know, I'm gonna go off on this, but like, I do think there is a middle ground for people. Like, there is a middle ground where you get to have fun and then you just get your life in order and make sure you're not fucking things up. Yeah.

Here's the other thing. It's like, try finding 10 people that are going to give me an intervention. I'm fun as fuck to party with. Yeah, that's true. No one wants to stop that. No one's going to be like, even when I was at my worst, everyone was still giving me beers. Yeah.

So yeah. So I don't got it. I don't got diabetes or alcoholism, guys. Your boy's good. There you go. I might be a delusional narcissist. There you go. I could be. Soft narcissist is what my wife calls me.

Soft? Yeah, soft. Is that what I just think about me? That seems like a reasonable diagnosis. So many comedians are fucking soft narcissists. Have you ever gotten a text from someone who sends you a text and then they spiral out of control? Like, dude, I hit you up. What the fuck? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck, dude? Are we cool?コントロールを出すと、あなたは、

あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、

あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、 あなたは、あなたは、あなたは、あなたは、 There's one cave. Hey Tom, tell me about your story about Japan. I'm so curious that I will not interrupt. I said, good morning, I'm Tom, nice to meet you. That is some tasty rice.

I said that to a Japanese lady and she was like, and I go, that's it, that's all I know. She's like, you said horse tentance? I said, yeah, horse tentance, yeah. Yeah, she was very impressed. Do you think we'll get out of wokeness where we can go back to making people's accents? Not that one, but yeah, the other one's okay. It's so accurate though.

It's so perfect. It's so good. It's perfect. You'd think they'd appreciate it. I know. Like it, the other one's okay. It's so accurate though. It's so perfect. It's so good. It's perfect. You'd think they'd appreciate it. I know. Like it's a love of your culture. I fucking talk about it on stage.

And these people, you can tell because on stage you're talking about and people are still like. All right, let's go through the accents you can and can't do. You can still do Black Dude. Oh yeah. Especially if you nail the Black Dude. Here's actually the truth I think. You're allowed to do any impression not only if you get the cadence and tone right, but if you get the information right. The information and the accent together is what allows it, is what gives it a pass. Okay,

so if a Black guy goes, yeah, we do say that. Exactly. Like I heard a black dude on, on hookers on the point one time, my favorite black dude, and I'll never stop doing it. I don't care, cancel me. My favorite one. Sure. Guys, hooker walks by and he just goes,

Hey, hey, can I play, get some conversation? There you go. Fucking awesome. Yeah. The best, I've the best phrase I've ever, or I love the, I just said it today. It's all over Instagram videos. What was the best? Oh, fuck.

I'll come up with it. But it was like, it has the word fucking it. Fuck you thinking about. The fuck, I love maybe that. I love it. You live with bad people, I like the fuck you thinking about. What the fuck you thinking about you thinking about yeah because it's like it's just theirs in the way that's called them well some of that stuff is like like the sentence structure yeah it's called AA VE right that's what it is African-American

vernacular English yes yeah it's so good like when somebody goes like it's a lot of people here right it's so you. Like when somebody goes like it's a lot of people here, right? It's so you think that you go that's grammatically, but that's actually like a way to black people in America speak Yeah, right. I love it moms my mom's how oh, yeah Just like talking about your mom's yeah. Yeah, that's totally yeah, but if a white guy says that you're like what the fuck is wrong with you You're like take care of my mom's and shit. You're like some white guy is like Paul wall when he does it Yeah, he's really in there though. He's really if you're fucking making grills for people you you're allowed to say some shit I think it grills

I've been wanting to do this for a decade. I would love grills. Yeah, we should go to Houston. It's not that far. Yeah. I bet Paul Wall would hook us up. I don't know. Paul Wall. Paul Wall. I think we'd get the full price,

but I think we should do it. Do you see Yasin-in-Bay? Yasin-Bay. Yasin-Bay go off on Drake. Yeah, that was interesting. That was kind of a fun one to- Wait, Tom, tell me about Japan. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Ha ha ha ha. It was the greatest. I had the absolute best time. I mean, I just stayed in Tokyo. I mean, I didn't have that much time to do it all, but like, Tokyo was like- You were like MacArthur, just Tokyo and fucking out.

And out, yeah. I mean, on the approach You're just looking out the window thinking about the battle in midway, and you're just like motherfuckers and then They were they were next level That mind just starting to remilitarize you know that it's the first time Oh, I started with that too because I was like hey, I know you guys are starting to remilitarize I just came from Honolulu. Let me tell you something. Take it easy.

Slow down. Do you think they're kids? Do you think so? Our kids are soft. Yeah. Like you look at like the Navy SEALs and you realize our children, our children are all non-binary and like, Yeah.

and like pronoun-y. Gay. Yeah. Yeah. And and we're fluctuating gay. Sure. Like I, I, I, I, I, They're gender fluid.

Yeah. Like I met a kid that I'd known my whole life And he came out of the closet to me like he was like 18 and I was like, I don't think so You told him he'd know I didn't say that but you can see by my eyes that either I wasn't cool with gay guys Or I didn't believe him Like I need to prove it. You got to do something like fucking macrameir. It's like a dick or something. Yeah, something real sure Cuz I got I don't know but I get you know good look good for these kids But I'm saying like our military is gonna be soft if we go to war and we have a draft. Yeah, we're fucked Our kids are our kids are all tick tockers. Yeah, I'll be famous on YouTube, but she's totally fine

I'm in the same boat. I'm just saying I don't belong in war. I also think that some of that's just like The perspective on the coast, you know, like you get into like the middle of the country You know when you get away from LA and New York you do it is a different fucking world, man Do you see do you think your kids are gonna be gay? I Don't know. I don't know. They're uh, they're pretty young, you know. Do you see tendencies? They don't seem like it. I mean, they don't, I don't go like this once gay. When you and Christina come home do they go, hey.

No, no. But they do say, look in my ass, won't smell my penis a lot, so that is kind of gay. I know a lot of comics that do that. Yeah. That doesn't mean you of gay. I know a lot of comics that do that. Yeah. That doesn't mean you're gay. Yeah. That is constant. There's like little boys are obsessed with their dicks. Obsessed.

Yeah. Yeah, talking about it, wanting to show, you're like, you can't show it to people. You can't, you can't, you can't jack it like that in public, like put it away. They're like, this feel, they don't even know what they're doing. Like this feels good.

Like I know I've been doing it for 44 years. Stop doing that in the living room. Yeah. I still love my dick. I couldn't ever wrap my head around that Wu Tang guy that cut his dick off. What? Remember the Wu Tang guy that cut his dick off?

No. There was a guy on Wu Tang. Wu Tang is like pretty broad. It's like being in the AARP. Like there's a lot of guys. Oh, you're one of the main nine. No, one of the auxiliary. That's still the, yeah. Christ Bearer. one of the main nine hours. No, one of the auxiliary.

Christ Bearer, Wu Tang Clan affiliate rapper who cut off his own penis and a drug-fueled mental breakdown. Because he said it was causing him a lot of problems. The dick was? Yeah. Okay. I bet I'd be a lot more focused without a dick. This guy cut his dick off?

Yeah, on top of a building, I think. Yeah, but it was drug drug fueled mental breakdown. Oh yeah, I've been pretty high. Yeah, me too. I've never wanted to lose it. But no, my kids aren't doing that yet. That's cool. What's up, fellows? Valentine's Day is knocking and manscaped is the remedy for what the love doctor ordered the all new performance package 5.0 Ultra. Join the 10 million men worldwide who trust Manscaped with our exclusive offer. Go to manscaped.com to snag 20% off plus free shipping with the code BEARS. I'm telling you, there is no better trimmer. I use it everywhere. My nose, my ears, the lip line here, the neck line,

balls, dong, taint, asshole. They're all trimmed up and it's all because of Manscaped and they're smooth and I'll let you touch them. Let's talk about the Hero of Valentine's Day, the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra, the electric trimmer features skin safe technology and comes with their brightest LED spotlight yet. Really good for getting in those deep dark holes that your body has.

Perfect for precise grooming even in the trickiest spots. Oh, it's waterproof too, making shower shaves a breeze. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code bears at manscape.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscape.com and use the code bears because your grooming upgrade awaits, ready to charm your Valentine's dates. Looking for a super offer for Super Bowl 58? DraftKings Sportsbook has you covered. New customers can bet on the big game

and turn five bucks into 200 instantly in bonus bets. I'm telling you right now, this makes the Super Bowl so much fun. I did it last year with DraftKings. I picked the Eagles. I lost. But, I will be doing it this year again. I will be in Vegas with Tommy for the big game and I promise you I'll be putting a big

bet, especially knowing what you get back. Download the DraftKings Sports app now and use code BEARS. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 instantly in bonus bonus bets only on DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 58pg.org. Please play responsibly. 21 and over, physically present in Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia only, Void in Ontario, eligibility and other restrictions apply. One per new customer must opt in and make minimum $5 deposit within 7 days, 168 hours of registering new account. Max match $100 in casino credits which require one- play through within seven days, 168 hours. See terms at casino.draftkings.com slash new player offer 2024.

But do you think Japanese kids can go so like the Japanese kids that fought a war too? It's what a fucking amazing society. Seriously. It's crazy how quiet it is. Culturally. Like this is one of the things that like we saw repeatedly. There's a construction zone and you're walking down the sidewalk and the guy whose job it is to make sure you don't walk into the construction, sort of like take the path around is like bowing, smiling and like, you know, gesturing in a way that you go like, I've never seen like that personality, that demeanor here for that job.

I've seen the same job, but it's usually like, hey, fuck over there, man. You're like, all right, all right, fuck you doing. You're like, yeah, it's like a whole different, and everyone's like that. Everyone has like Like I could see middle-aged guys being the cashier At the place you buy a notebook and it's just like he's not like fucking. He's a proud job. Yeah

It's that mentality when I read Flyboys and it's all about World War two and Those kids would join and then they would rather kill themselves than give up. And so, but that was a mentality instilled from the samurai, like it's like trickle down, right? So that last generation was all in World War II and then this next generation is all, I think, I don't really know Japanese young culture, but they're no samurai's and they're not learning ninja stuff and they're just on TikTok.

We were looking for ninjas, but we never found one. My favorite Japanese person? Yeah. Do you ever see the video of the Japanese dudes dressed like cholos walking down the street? No. Oh. Type in Japanese cholo.

Japanese cholo? Japanese cholos, and they got the pit bulls, and the knee-high socks, and the socks and the long they're doing it in Japan Of course, we're not doing it in fucking East LA. Yeah It's on just Japanese cholos are the fuck there Chikano subculture that could be it's but they think that's a crazy thing is like in Japan They've adopted subcultures like wild subcultures. Yeah, like hip hop is huge. Yeah.

In Tokyo. There we go. There we go. There we go. Did that hit that one? No, no, no, above it above it above it above it above it. That's the group though. That's the group.

Look at these dudes. Okay. But look. Okay. I love the way they do. I love it. I love it so much. You don't see Cholos dressing up like Asian people.

He did that head nod exactly he was supposed to. Oh yeah. Going up gang signs. Yeah. Yeah, look at those guys, look at those guys. But I just would have thought these were just- Look at how he does his hair in a- I thought they were just like some swagged out Japanese. I never put together, I wouldn't put together that these are like doing Chicano shit.

Oh, I think I read the blurb. wouldn't put together that these are like doing Chicano shit. Oh, I think I read the blurb. Did you, what was the food like in Japan? Fucking amazing, right? The best, like the best food. Everything was like an amazing ingredient. That's the thing is we had a salad and you're like, this is a bad, it was a simple salad, lettuce,

tomatoes, couple, and you're like, every bite, you're like, this is a bad. It was a simple salad, lettuce, tomatoes, couple, and you're like every bite, you're like, this is a perfect tomato. And they do it so well, like we, we did, we went swimming in Wales, in Japan, and they came out and they made us udon noodles out of the ocean. Udon noodles hot and the broth was so good.

I was like, I just drank cups of the broth. It's excellent. It's so amazing. And the, yeah, King Crab. So I've had King Crab a million times, but never I was like, yeah, I'll have the King Crab. And they bring out, like they kill it there. So then it's just raw and you're like, holy shit,

I've never seen it raw like this. And then just little salt and butter on this. And you'd go, that's the best bite I've ever had. We went to Wagyu Mafia, which was like just other level, every meal, I went to an omakasa place for sushi, for lunch, also unbelievable. Their karaoke bars are private. There's a lot of private.

So do you know how a lot of the restaurant business works there in Tokyo? All the good spots, you're like, I wanna go to this place and they're like, yeah, do you know someone? Not like, you're like, I want to go to this place. And they're like, yeah, do you know someone? Not like, you're like, do you know someone? You're like, what do you mean? They're like, yeah, there's no like phone number, there's no reservation, you can't walk up.

And then at the end, like at the end of the omakase meal, the chef gave me his business card. Like he hands you the business card. And I was like, oh, thanks. And they're like, yeah, that means that you can now contact him if you want to come eat here And that's how that's how that place runs. I fly to Japan just for a meal. I watch it I watch the show on Netflix called broth. It's just about Asian broths

They have cold noodles. They have noodles. I've watched all the noodles for breakfast also were just yeah all the food was like Like dream worth and we went to Hong Kong also Credible food and Singapore dude the best thing about Japanese culture. I wish they bring it back or I wish we do it here is geisha's Yeah, I was given a geisha for an evening like giving her like they give her to you and you just used her I could do whatever I want with her nice. What'd you do? Whoa? Nothing bad, but like that poor girl was a bar back for the night Really was like watching me drink and then she goes into my room sets up my bed

I don't even know she I mean I gotta be honest with you I think she sat in my room while I slept because in the morning I think she sat on a chair and just watched me sleep I thought you're gonna be like I took her by the hair and I just fucking pulled her down No, and it started snowing in the morning spitting her face and she watch me sleep. I thought you were gonna be like, I took her by the hair and I just fucking pulled her down. No, and it started snowing in the morning. Spitting her face. And she woke me up and she said, cause we had a flight, we had to catch a flight to Vietnam.

She woke me up, I told her, I said I want a beer when I wake up. She had a cold, tall beer for me and she had drawn a bath outside, drawn a bath and it was snowing. We're in Kyoto and it's snowing. She takes me out to my bath, gets me in my bath, gives me my beer and I drank a cold beer

in a hot bath in Kyoto and watched it snow. And she just bathed here? She just, no, she didn't bath me. I didn't even bathe, I just sat in it. And then, but they were fucking, it was like full service human. It was the best. Yeah. I don't know what that service human. It was the best. Yeah.

I know what that sounds like. I know. I don't even know if I need to point it out, but we used to have full service humans here many, many generations ago. And I know you're longing for a day where it comes back. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But paid well.

Full service human is a nice way of saying it Yeah, if there's pay it's totally different. Yeah As a young girl she chose to be a case. Yeah, she was awesome They sit like they sit like crossfitters like they just do like a Cuz on a gown mm-hmm, and they just pop down and then stand up like that, like healthy people. Yeah. Yeah.

Japan was fucking awesome. Japan's awesome place. It's awesome. It's really great. Go to Mexico. Can I tell my story now? Yep. Are you done?

I listened to a podcast where dudes interrupt the guys the entire time. And it drove me fucking nuts. No shit. And I was like, I was like, God damn it. Is this what two bear sounds like? So OK. Go ahead.

You're going to say that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It was a resort. Leanne's good with facts. Like she knows the facts of where we stayed. Nice resort I've ever stayed in. Wait, the nicest resort you've ever stayed in and you're not sure where it was? Do you know what it's called? You don't know what the resort's called? Mayan. Okay.

Something. Okay. And so we get there. We went down to go see the Grateful Dead and Goose and Sturgill Simpson was there. Sturgill Simpson. This was one show, they're all in the show. Yeah, I thinkose and Sturgill Simpson was there. Sturgill Simpson. This was one show, they're all in the show. Yeah, I think I met Sturgill Simpson.

Wait, how do you not know that? I don't know. I was partying. Okay. And mostly we'd... That place? Mayan Palace. No, that's not it.

Okay. I don't know. Leigh Ann knows the name of the fucking place. Okay, that's good. And so we go there, we see the dead and the first night. Now, okay, I have to preface, I'm not good with celebrities. You keep saying this. I geek out, I geek out.

No, that's true, you definitely. And so I can't control myself from talking to them. Oh, you're such a fan, you're the best, I love this thing. You don't even have to be that good. If I know that you're somebody, I will introduce myself. I can't help it. I really can't help it. What, how that you're somebody, I will introduce myself. I can't help it. I really can't help it. What? How do you introduce yourself?

I couldn't even tell you because my heart's racing so bad when it happens. Do you say that I'm a comedian? It's like just in case you don't know? I definitely tell them who I am. Oh, you do? And do you give them your resume? You do. Well, poor George R.R. Martin got a, you're beating from me. Not like Derek Trucks. Derek Trucks, I've R.R. Martin got a, you're beating for me, not like Derek Trucks. Derek Trucks, I've seen him play.

Derek Trucks is one of the best American guitarists we have. Yeah, yeah. And he played and I went backstage and I do this thing. I swear to God, I go, I go, let's just get out of here. I don't want to say hi to anyone. I'm going to just be cool about it. I actually use you as an example. I'm going to go full cigar and just walk through it

and just leave. And I walk backstage, we have full access passes, and I see Derek Trucks, and I actually go, I actually say out loud, I can't help it, and I go, you're having it, it's happening. And I walk up to him and I was like, dude, I saw you play in Tallahassee when you were 12 years old, you're fucking amazing.

And he was like, I played at the moon. Derek Trucks was so nice. He was so generous with his time. So was Sturgill Simpson. I definitely met Sturgill Simpson. Because he was really cool. Sturgill Simpson, when he sings, Leanne became a fan immediately.

He's got such fucking passion in his voice. And he's such an amazing guitarist. The guys from Goose were there. I watched Rick play. All of them, it was amazing. It was amazing. We're in a private suite, so it's an outdoor, it's all on the beach.

It really is. If you're a dead fan or any music fan. Isn't this like the end of their run or no? Well, I don't know, Secret Time, I know, I can't. Ah, fuck, I'm not good with secrets. Oh yeah. Yes, it is the end of the run. They're never playing again. Okay, and so and so

Fuck I got good secrets Las Vegas is a city built for celebration, but this isn't just celebrating its celebration with an edge It's the feeling of a champagne cork popping a fireworks lighting up night sky, of dancing till the break of dawn as the entertainment capital of the world, there is no wrong way to experience it. And there's no short reason to celebrate. You don't need to close the deal to go to Vegas and celebrate. You can just celebrate, hey, we've been, we had a great six months, honey. Let's spend our week in Vegas.

Let's have great food, see great shows, stay up until four in the morning, and giggle until we get to the airport to fly home. And it's like, you don't need a reason, you owe it to yourself, have some treats, and that's what Vegas is all about. It's a city full of treats. It's a city full of treats. The food is the best food you'll find in the world.

All top chefs are there. The best performers, Bruno Mars, Tom Sura, Bert Kreiser, Joe Coy, Joe Rogan, Dave Chabal, everyone hits Vegas. And this year might be the biggest celebration yet with the big game heading their way. And in true Vegas fashion, they're gonna be going all out for it. It's a good time to remind ourselves

that excessive celebrations are encouraged, especially when in Las Vegas. I would argue that an in-excessive celebration is not technically a celebration. I think it's actually a personal foul. I agree. I think that the only way to celebrate is to make a spectacle of yourself. Let people see you are having a good time. Let them wish they were on the horse you rode down to the beach.

Big flex time, baby. It's time to show people what's up. Doesn't matter if you're a high roller, taking your celebration to the max, or planning a more budget conscious way to get away midweek, the best deals are there. And Las Vegas will not disappoint. So you should not disappoint Las Vegas.

Go big. This is your ear. Don't let yourself down. This is the big game was meant for Vegas. When they put a stadium there, I thought if they don't do that in Vegas, they've done everything wrong and someone listened to my prayers because that's what they're bringing and we're going. Dude, I remember when I was like this is when I was working post production

in LA, and I took my friend and my cousin in my car And we drove through the night to avoid LA to Vegas traffic and we got there at like three in the morning We went we partied all night And then we spent the day sleeping We all slept during the day and then it was time to turn it up again And we were having so much fun checking checking out everything Vegas has to offer. It is one of my favorite experiences. Can I tell you a secret?

The first time I went to Vegas, we stopped about 10 miles outside of Vegas on a hill, looked at the beautiful city, got on top of the hood of the car, and killed beers. It's the best. Just the view of Vegas is amazing. Las Vegas is the ultimate destination for excessive celebration, and the Super Bowl is

taking it over the top in 2024. Sign the petition to celebrate freely at change.org slash celebration. Let's talk about Los Vegas. The neon city is the only place in the world literally built for celebration. It's the place to go and gorge. It's where you invite your friends, your family, anyone you care about to have a good time and you throw down until the sun comes up. Pack a pair of sweatpants that flight home should be comfortable. That's the kind of trip you should

have in this year. Those celebrations are going to be more excessive than ever. The big game is coming and in true Vegas fashion, the city's going all out. I mean, Spectacles practically in Las Vegas DNA, and that's why they want to make sure that everyone should be able to celebrate freely, help support excessive celebration by signing the petition at change.org slash celebration. So it's all on the beach, big venue, it's like 10,000 people, it's all on the beach big venue. It's like

10,000 people. It's fucking amazing. It really is but we get this private suite It's a corner suite of the hotel. That's like the best seats like box seats. It's right up to the stage You can see everything and it's all the musicians are in there like Everyone that all the great musicians are in there, all the promoters, all the managers, all the agents. The first night, or their Friday, Saturday, Sunday, the first night, I see George R.R. Martin walk by. Yes, for people that don't know. He wrote Game of Thrones. Now I am a huge...

The series is based on his books and... Yes. I see him and I say to myself, don't do it. That's not the guy. Like he definitely won't know who you are and I'm certain people freak out with this guy all the time. Yeah, he has a pretty distinct look. It's kind of hard to miss.

It really, honestly, he just looks like a dead head but like he is in, he's in the suspenders. Like he's, I see him, he walks by the bar and I say to someone, that's fucking George R.R. Martin. And they go, yeah, yeah, like he's I see him he walks by the bar and I say to someone that's fucking George RR Martin And they go yeah, yeah, he's a dead fan He's we have the private suite. He has it in the private suite He has his own personal room with his own personal balcony for him and his people and So because he don't want to be bothered. I see him the first night. I tell Leanne Leanne's like no fucking way

Leave I go I played a fucking cool. I played it so fucking cool. I didn't say anything to him the next night he walks by again and Tom Whatever you real junkies must feel where they go. I gotta get it. I gotta get it. I gotta have a hit I gotta have a hit. I literally went like this And he walked by and I went oh I saved myself Thank God I didn't do it. Thank God I didn't do it the last night my brain's like fuck it We're getting this guy. We're getting him. I can't help it. The last night, my brain's like, fuck it, we're getting this guy, we're getting him. I can't help it. I am out of my skin.

Yeah, it's building. It's building, I'm really drunk and I'm like, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck. And then I say to someone, George R.R. Martin's in that fucking room and they go, do you wanna meet him? And I went, yeah, I had told people, I had told people if I start to talk to him,

punch me in the side of the head so that I stop Because I don't want to ruin this moment Yeah, I don't want to ruin because I know he's probably a surly or older dude Yeah, who gets us all the time, and I don't want to ruin Game of Thrones for me. Yeah They walk in George I'd like you to meet Burke Christcher and He was the most welcoming dude. He pulled a chair up next to me and said, hey, sit down.

How you doing? So you're a dead fan. I was like, and all I wanted to do is visit. I planned it out of my head. I'm gonna say thank you so much for those books. They turned it, I didn't read them, but turned it into the fucking TV show I did. You're the fucking best.

You're the fucking best. And I knew what I was gonna say. I did the same thing with Jeff Tweedy. I was like, I got my sentence planned out. Thank you so much for those books. I loved Game of Thrones. Like, it was my show, it was our family show. And we got to watch it with the girls

when we were in Europe. We all group, watch it together. And we've watched them all and it was so fun. And then he says, I hope your girls were old enough to watch that show. And I said, actually, and now Leigh-Anne's behind me. And I'm like, oh, fuck my savior. And Leigh-Anne's like, they were age-appropriate.

We waited till they were age-appropriate. And then he starts to tell me the best secrets in the world. I'm just waiting to tell him that I got involved with the Russian Mafia Tom I didn't hear any of it I'm waiting to tell him who I am the whole fucking time I'm just like because I want to establish that like I want like I wanted to like establish that I'm not So you're just like wait wait wait wait wait wait wait and then you're like okay cool cool cool Hey, do you want to know something when I was 22 years old? No, his fucking assistant comes in and saves me.

Oh, they do. She comes in, she goes, razzle, dazzle. George is like what? And he's like, George, this is Burke Chrysler. He's a hilarious comedian. And he's like, you're a comedian? And I'm like, yeah, by the way, he has told me secrets about Game of Thrones

that I've totally blown by. I've not listened to one of them. Leanne has all of them. In the ride home, she goes, isn't that crazy that that's why he sold the TV show Game of Thrones? And I was like, what? She's like, you didn't hear?

The only reason he sold, he didn't want to sell it. That he refused Hollywood a number of times. And the one reason that he folded was dot, dot, dot. And I went, he said that? She's like, Bert, he told you everything about Game of Thrones that any fan would have lost their mind He was he was trying to like let me know He gave you the answer

If you're a fan Tom, he gave me a necklace and like five coins I forgot I got them because I'm sitting here going when I'm 22 when I was 22 when I was 22 Tom I was so bad and then his assistant comes in and goes he gave necklaces to the girls He gave us coins from from West Rose like he gave us all this shit, which I'm All run past me because I'm not listening at all typical fucking Bert I'm waiting to interrupt this guy. Do you end up telling him stuff? No, they go the his assistants did all the work for me. They're like he was George Bert got involved with the Russian Mafia when he was 22 and he was like, what?

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I robbed a train. He was like, I own a train. And I was like, I wanna rob your train. Like, we sat with him for like fucking 20 minutes and had the greatest experience, all of which I don't remember and could not recite because I was overwhelmed by the experience.

And then I was shaking. I was trembling. I was trembling and I didn't even need to meet Margot Price. Like I was just like, I did it the days over. I was so, I was like, can I get it? This is how, into it, Peter is like a real fan, he read the books and I was like, can I get a picture? And he was like, yeah, and I did a picture,

I was like, come on, my wife get in it? And he was like, yeah. I was like, cool, buy him, Pete's just sitting there going like, I read the fucking books. Yeah, yeah. I read the fucking books. He's enough for a picture for Peter? No, I just left, I going like, I read the fucking books. Yeah, yeah. I read the fucking books. He's in all four pictures with Peter? No, I just left.

I was like, that was cool. And Peter was like, kinda. He's like, you didn't, you said all the names of the characters wrong. I was like, you remember big country? And he goes, you mean the mountain? I was like, you know the big guy that got his eyes dropped out?

The big country. I, uh. I wish I could be more like you. I'm being serious. I don't know. I wish you'll see it when we do the Super Bowl. Yeah. Like I can't help myself. I wish I could. I wish I was different. It's okay because I think it lets fans know that when they happen, it happens to me and them. Yeah, I'm the same

as they are because I geek out. So I understand when a dude puts his hand behind you and he's trembling. I do that. I do that I can't help it. I get I Wish I knew what that is because my daughters don't have it my daughters don't give a fuck about Celebrity or fame at all. You're just you're just excitable man. You get very excitable. You're an excitable person Things things really gets you fired up. I met I met I met. I don't think it's a bad thing. This is how bad I am I Met Nate Berkus who he's the designer. He's Oprah's designer In the tooth and this isn't his claim to fame

But in the 2001 tsunami him and his husband were in Thailand. I think I remember yeah, okay. Yeah, I met him at a pool You think I was so into interior design. Either that or K. Like you think I was one of the other. I was like, hey, Perkins. Oh my God. I'm such a fan. I don't know anything. Yeah. Why do you think you get so excited? I don't know. I don't know. I would love to get to know you. Now, did you also tell him? You're like, I'm a comedian. I can see it in your face. All right. Yeah. Of course I did. comedian. I can see it in your face already. Yeah, of course I did. I don't understand people that don't do it.

Like, I don't understand how they do it. Like, I really don't. Like, I would love to not... The problem is with me is I don't know who they are sometimes. Like, I know they're famous, and I know that I know them. Do you feel like you have to acknowledge that if you know that they're famous, you have to say something? Yeah, and then I won't know their their things So like I'll say all the wrong things to them like I'll I won't quote any of their things properly

I did it with Adam Sandler. I was like, I love you movie precious gems Yeah, like as I know it's a thing but I don't know the thing I don't I wish I could get rid of it But I guess there's a part of me that makes me feel like I still am who I am you're a fan Yeah, you're a fan. You're you're an excitable fan. The only person I've ever been cool around. Yeah, I And this could be argued with Chappelle Yeah, but you're also in the same field, right? Yeah, but not even remotely Well, I know what you mean, but I mean like you're you you have the same job

We have the same job. Like, I do it with Cat Williams. If I ran into Cat Williams, I geeked the fuck out. I'd geek the fuck out on Cat. And I know I'm probably one of the white boys he hates. I'm certain I'm in that six comedians of Rogan that he hates. I'm certain there's no way Cat Williams has ever turned on Netflix, seen me take my shirt off and be like, hey, can't wait to see what this is.

Man, this is interesting. Yeah. You know, Rogan's got good taste in comics. Yeah, I think we're both in it then. You think you're in? No, he likes you. I didn't. Who do you think his six comedians are?

It's not Shane Gillis. Well, the six are me, you, Ari. Ari's twice probably. You know he doesn't like Ari. No, there's no way cat Williams is an Ari Shafir fan Probably not He you know, you don't like Mark Norman it's it's it's it's the rotation It's it's Kaz if he's saying six he's that's just a number He just means the rotation of regulars that appear. But yeah, but there are an exact six.

You mean, are you? It's sober October and protect my parks. Well, there you go. And he probably thinks are you two different Jewish guys. Yeah, those are the six. He's like, you know, one that looks like a coal miner, and then the other one that looks really Jewish. You know the one that talked about Kobe

and then that other one that just has blood coming out of his ass. Yeah, that one. Yeah, I guess, I mean, you know. Who do you think Kat's favorite white comedian is? Well, he gave a plug to Ron White. And I thought that was rad. He was like, I...

Gary Owen? No. No, he gave a shout to Gary Owen. He did give a shout to Gary Owen. Yeah, he gave gave a shady shout like Gary had to do research and go, was he shady? Oh, that's right. I'm thinking that Gary, Gary told this story, a shitty story about Steve Harvey after that. That's crazy. Yeah. I met Steve Harvey. He was fucking awesome. I met Cedric. I, he was Cedric's rad.

I geeked out. I bet you did you didn't see that No, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I did see that. I think I found out where it comes from He I think you thought you were the valet or something right? No, wasn't it? When's he like a man get my car and you're like, you're like, oh my god He he came out we were eating at the same place Boulevard, which is fucking is the mentally around We were eating in Boulevard and I was out front and he came walking out front and I saw him and I was like It what it there is a thing with comics that I feel like I'm a little shocked that they know who I am Only because and I know that they that and I know that I do big things, but still Cedric's someone that like...

Cedric's the man. I've been watching him, Bernie Mac, Steve Harvey, DL. When DL knew who I was, I was kind of geeked out. So I was like, you're DL Hugley. You don't have to know who I am. Like you're at a place now where it's all traffic behind you. You don't ever have, there's a lot of comics, I don't know to know who I am. Like you're at a place now where it's all traffic behind you. Like you don't ever have, like there's a lot of comics I don't know who they are.

I saw a DL at the mall in Woodland Hills, years back. And like- Dude, black guys love the mall. Yeah, and they love the Topanga one. Dude. Yeah. I've seen Kevin and Howard at the Beverly Center like four times.

Really? Yeah. But I did that thing where I kind of made eye kind of a DL and then he just like looked down at his shirt and I was like, I just want to, I didn't say anything. Yeah. A DL's manager is with him. So I think that might have helped him.

It would sort of recognize me. Doc's manager is not. Yeah, cause his manager was like, what's up Bert? And then I was like, what's up? And then I saw DL. I was like, hey DL and he was like, how you doing? Tom, good to see you. But when we saw, when we saw Bernie Mac, he was walking out front,

and it was raining, I was like, what's up? And he was like, what's up man? And like gave me, dap me up or whatever. Wait, you said Bernie Mac? No, right. Cedric, Cedric. Because Bernie's not, he's not going out that much now. I know, I haven't seen him in a while.

Yeah. And then my mom, my mom. Your mom was with you? You haven't seen my mom. That's right That's the video is your both your parents are with you and my dad is like He's everyone screaming cuz it's like my mom's like oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god I can't believe your parents know my mom. Oh everyone knows Cedric. No, but my parents wouldn't well yeah Yeah, I can imagine my mom mom would be like, who?

Like football? My mom lost her shit so hard on Cedric the Entertainer. She grabbed him in a hug. She had her arm around him. So it sounds like it's genetic. It's genetic. My mom, my mom, my dad doesn't care about celebrity. He does like in a weird way, like football players.

He's always been like, really? Yeah, like football players. It's like, he might as like Shane Gillis. Like he knows way like football players. He's always been like really. Yeah, like football players It's like he might as like Shane Gillis like he knows who the football players are and he's like yeah I can't believe you're my Christian McCaffrey. Yeah, that guy's a fucking beast. Yeah. Yeah, Shane Shane is like I am with football players. Does he geek out on them? I don't know I Would argue That Shane stays up at night thinking of what cool texts to send them in the morning Oh my god, like I would argue because Shane's really good at texting people

Yeah, I think that's generational. She's younger than we are but like he's good at Establishing relationships. I mean he got Gabe Davis to do a celebration. That's crazy. That's crazy I know an internet thing. Yeah. Like you won't do it. Yeah. Shane's just really good at texting. Like he'll text out of nowhere and be like, yo bro, you're one of the top five hangs of all time. And then you'll be like, for real?

And like he's just as good at like making people feel good. Yeah, yeah. But he does that. Like he does it with Nate Diaz. Like he texts with Nate Diaz. Like he meets someone he likes. I don't, he doesn't do it for like, like he'll with Nate Diaz. Like he meets us like someone he likes. I don't, he doesn't do it for like, like he'll do it for any football player.

So I think the idea that you played pro football in Shane's book, probably in your book too, is such an accomplishment. Yes, great. I love it. It's such an accomplishment. But like, I don't know, I'm not good with football as good as Shane is,

but I, I have the same thing with just low-level Celebrities low level. Yeah, tiktok people. Oh you flip you like I know if I know you from tiktok Oh, that's right. Yeah, I don't have a bunch of tiktokers I follow and that I ran into and I'm like shut the fuck up You're like hello the way you put on the boots and you fucking walk up the stairs the thing you did with the baby Hands and then the big hands and then hit them and then the black I walked in you're excited. Well, dude. It's like a contagious kind of you're like a kid. Yeah, I like being excitable I thought I was saying I don't think it's a bad thing man. Yeah, but it's not cool That's why I couldn't have hosted the Golden Globes. Oh my god. Can you imagine getting that gig? You have CS?

No, you don't a Thousand percent I would pass on that. You wouldn't? I would pass on it even if it had a big paycheck attached to it. For real? A thousand percent. Because I think you just go like, you kind of know what you're drawn to, you know what you're good at. I mean, I don't know. I'm not good at those jokes.

Well, I don't think, I think that's a fucking rough gig period, like across the board. Malaney killed it on his governor's ball thing. I saw a clip of that. Yeah. He killed it, but that's what he's good at. But, but, but yeah, like John, he's not just like super talent. He's also like an industry insider. Not just that.

I'm saying that he's a, he's an actual, like he's a real writer too. You know what I mean? Like he's a great comic, but he's written tons of sketches. Like he's, he's a actual like he's a real writer too. You know I mean like he's a great comic But he's written tons of sketches like he's he's a he was the guy getting hired for those Golden Globes writing for them Yeah, like he's he's really good at so like I think that's something but I'm saying John probably knows like oh This is within my will house to be like I can do this well I would get that offer and be like no who do you think would be the worst to do it? besides me besides me me, me?

No, you'd be good. You'd be good because you're, because you, this is why I actually went through, you know, I actually thought Joe did a pretty good job. All considering 10 days out. Yeah, dude, I think that's fucking, like he should be commended for, like people are just,

the way, I mean, you know, this is like a world now where everybody just loves to pile on someone, if they say something they didn't like, or you know, people were flipping out over a Barbie joke, like are you fucking serious right now? This, is this real? Like, I think he did great. I think he did great.

I think he did great too. But I was like, I would have done way worse. And I don't think anyone puts that as like, Joe did great compared to but I was like, I would have done way worse. And I don't think anyone puts that as like, Joe did great compared to enlist 10 comics who could not have done it. I would have been up there, first of all, without smiles. That's why you would have done good. He was like, he has a big smile.

Like I would have been up there serious. People would have been like, this guy has mental problems. Like it's not unlike some of my stand up shows where I feel the audience go like, what's going on right now? And I have to remind myself. That's why you would have been good because I thought of it, I was like, you would have played to the audience at home.

Maybe you would have just played to them. Yeah. Because that's the, the, the, the hiccup I think in that is that Joe at a certain point was trying to get the room on his side and the audience at home was already, they're like, I don't give a, that's why Ricky's raced it so well.

He's hands down the best. Because he goes, I don't give a fuck about this room, I'm playing to you and your couch. And that's what worked well. I already was like, I was already thinking of, I'd only seen one of the movies. So I was just gonna write jokes about Oppenheimer. If that'd be great, if you were like,

I've seen one of these. So guys, I hope I don't tip that too much, you know which one, but Nicholas Cage is here, did you see Oppenheimer? I would have just gone around and just talked about like Face Off and all the good movies I saw that they did. Yeah. I would have been like.

Or just you just talked about the Cat Williams interview the whole time. Did you guys see the Cat Williams thing, club shay shay? The only cool thing that I, the only miss I think Joe could have done, which would have been really cool. Yeah. I think if you, this would be my move, celebrate the room, but like, but not really celebrate them, but celebrate them and my knowledge of them.

Yeah. Like I would have been like, Leo Leonardo DiCaprio is here. Do Arnie real quick. Let me see Arnie from Gilbert Grape. Just you know, you can do it. Just bang it out real quick for the camera. And then you go like that. Do that. Do that. I'll start it off. You do it. Yeah. I'll play Gilbert. Johnny's not here. I'll play Gilbert. You be and so, uh, but the only cool thing would be if you had said,

I'm not going to roast anyone except for Ricky Gervais, because you know the crew, and then light up Ricky Gervais, you know he'd take it as a joke. Of course. He'd love it. He'd love it. And he'd get everything you said about him would be fucking hilarious. And you know that those writers have a ton of Ricky Gervais.

I think it's like these imagining these things, like in concept. It's easier. Than the execution of it. I mean, you know, you feel a certain way after you've done stand up a while, you're like, yeah, I've been in this and that situation, but you still man, I'm telling you like, you get into this is not even close to the golden glows, but you get into like a private, you know, you go to a private gig, you know, like for a company or something and you feel like, yeah, I know what I'm doing. You get up there

and it's like right away, you're like, ooh, like the energy is just so different than a show where people are like, we want to see a show. It's just different. It doesn't feel the same. So you imagine it'll go a certain way, but when you're in that environment, man, I've had privates that I'm like, holy shit. I've never done good at a private.

No, it's fucking, remember when the improvs used to hire us to do their Christmas party shows in December. So like companies, you know, small companies would be like, all right, our Christmas party is gonna be going to the improv and then they hired a comedian but they don't hire top tier comedian at the time. They have, you know, 250 bucks. So they call you because you're like,

yeah, that no one knows who you are or anything at that time. And that's those are not easy gigs. I mean, you're really working to get those going. And then the moment you do, it's the same kind of concept. You're like, I'm going to do the jokes I want to do. I'm not here to just entertain them. I'm doing my act. You do something that's like offensive crosses a line. You see that room go, and then you realize, oh yeah, this is a corporate event. Yeah, you have like one of the most epic bombs

on those, don't you? I have a few. No, the one in Winnipeg, was that a corporate? Sort of, it was Christmas parties, yeah. But I remember another one in Brea, which was a Christmas party, where I did a joke, and I forget if it was about race or women or both. And then the fucking, I say it and you hear like,

ooh, right? And it's a different vibe than a regular show. And I'm like, all right, I'd say something. And this guy gets up and I'm like, what's this guy doing? And he walks over to the table and fully audible. He goes like, are you okay? Are you guys okay? Oh my God.

And it's during a moment of like, you know, quiet, like a lull. Yeah. And so then I'm like, are you asking her if she's okay? And he looks at me and he's like, yeah. And they're like, they're like, yeah, we're okay. And he's like, all right, all right. And I'm like, it hits me like what I'm at, you know? Like this is, hey man, you're like,

it's like you're in our office. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I didn't, that wasn't conveyed to me. They were just like, come do a set. What was wrong with her? He was like the, whatever I had said, may have offended her sensibilities.

You know what I mean? He went to the one Karen in the office. He went to her and then he was like, are you gonna be all right with this? But he went to the one Karen in the office. He went to her and then he was like, are you gonna be alright with this? But he said it like, fully, full volume. And then I was like, I think she'll make it. There's only 45 minutes left. So, you know, you go right back to it.

And then, you know, they were fine. That show was fine. It wasn't like Winnipeg was, yeah, that was... I got cut off in a corporate. Cut off? Yeah. I got cut off. It was in Aspen or Vale. And I was eating a lot of OxyCottons at the time. And in Valium, I was double dipping and I was drinking.

Hey. And it was a hedge fund and it was 25 grand for the show. It's a lot. It's a fucking fund and it was 25 grand for the show. It's a lot, it's a fucking ridiculous amount of money. And Lee, I had fallen off a waterfall in the end, it's like you're doing the gig. She flew and met me in Denver and got me to the gig because we needed the money. And I started, I remember, I knew I was fucked

when I was like, so tell me a little bit about these guys. And the lady just goes, just talk about your Rolex. I was like, what? She was like, they're all really rich. So just like, I talk about Rolexes. Yeah. And I was like, I don't have any material about that. And so I went up and I started doing material.

And the one guy goes, enough, enough. Just tell the fucking machine story and let's drink. And I was like 12 minutes in. I was like, what? And he goes, we just want to hear the fucking machine story. So I was like, that's it? And he's like, yeah, and then you're going to go drink with us. And I was like, I'm kind of on oxy.

He said, it doesn't matter. So I was like, when I was 22, and he goes, this is it guys, this is the one. And I was like, I told the machine and then we went out partied, hard as fuck. Yeah, I was, I was fucking with with a guy to show one time in Irvine that I had a private like that and I said something about him being the janitor and He's like I'm the president of the company and I was like they have a Hispanic president of the company and then He's like he was like you're racist He was like, he was like, oh, you're racist? And I was like, and I go, no, and I looked at my phone,

he goes, no new messages. And I go, I go, prefieres que hago el show en tu idioma? And then everybody was like, ooh. And then he was like, I don't speak Spanish. And I go, I go, you sure look like you do. And that show ended early, Like, real early. Yeah. We were in...

Shout out to El Paso. I didn't realize how Mexican El Paso is. Yeah. It is 98% Mexican. The border town of El Paso? Yeah. So... It's like English is a second language in El Paso.

Yeah, I spoke Spanish for the first 10 minutes. Yeah. And so, so there's a point in in El Paso. Uh, yeah, I spoke Spanish for the first 10 minutes. Yeah. And so, so there's a point in my show if I'm fucking around that I do this joke about going down on Leanne, and if I feel it, I'll sing God Bless America. Uh-huh. God, uh, no wait, uh-oh, God Bless America. Are you on Oxy's now? I don't know what fucking song I sing.

I mean, what fucking song I sing. What song do I sing? America, the Beautiful? No. Let me see if I can do the joke. She was wearing tights, I didn't figure out how many minutes I didn't give up on her. I went down and I went, oh, oh, oh.

Amazing grace. I don't know, never mind. This jumps the story's run. America, the Beautiful. But does anyone know the fucking song I sing? Which is when land and the prairies and the ocean, white with foam. I don't know. From the light up above, fuck me, dude.

What if I have like the early stages of Alzheimer's? Yeah, that could happen. I mean, I forget people's names. Oh, say can you see. Oh, say. Oh, say you can. That's the natural anthem, dummy. people's names. Oh say can you see? Oh? Say you can that's the natural anthem dummy That's what Peter said. No, it's no it's a that's the guy America

You think you know and that I love stand beside her and guide her From the light up we get up above this You do this on stage? Sometimes, I'll fuck around and do it. And then I'll put the mic to the audience and let them sing with me. Yeah. El Paso. Yeah. They were like, all right, we never heard that song.

Yeah. I had just seen the national anthem. I was like, God, you guys know this one? And they knew that one. They knew that, okay. Yeah. El Paso was fun as fuck. I thought it was good.

And I was going to Juarez. Did you go in the war? Yeah, I said to the lady in catering. I was like is war as safe. She goes. Yeah, I go there all the time She was not you, but yeah, I go I was like what would happen to me and she goes you'll come back naked They'll take your clothes. She was the border patrol will take your clothes. Seriously like for real She's like do not go to fucking Juarez. Yeah. Which kind of sucks. I'd listen to that advice.

They should make like polar bear cages where you can go into Juarez. Yeah. So you can see the chaos and they're trying to kill you, but you feel safe like a polar bear. I have a cousin that just moved to Mexico. And I don't even want to say where he moved. Okay.

I don't even want to say where, but he moved there. And it's a city where, you know, shit definitely pops off. And I was like, you're not, you don't even want to say where he moved, okay? I don't even want to say where, but he moved there. And it's a city where, you know, shit definitely pops off. And I was like, you're not, you don't have any fear? And he's like, no. I go, why? He goes, because they tell you like, just don't go to this place after six, stay out of this neighborhood after seven,

this neighborhood you never go to. And like, I was like, is that comforting? And he's like, yeah, because it's like the rules are really laid out. So he's like, you, because it's like the rules are really laid out. So he's like, you just, they tell you, like when you're new, you know, sometimes you can make a wrong turn. Yeah. And at first people will come up to you

and be like, kind of, you know, what are you doing here? And then when they kind of understand that you actually are new and you don't know, he's like, they just kind of let you know, but it is a place in this neighborhood that he lives in where he's like, hey, you don't go out in the evening. I can't imagine all I was thinking about was being a real drug addict and going like,

the thought in your head going, no, I'm gonna go over to war, I was real quick and just get a little coke. It's fine. Like the rationale that must happen was someone that's like really feeling for drugs. That's like, it'll be fine. It'll be fine.

Well, you know what? We're gonna see what happens. I need it. No, it's scary dude. They should bottle that. Bottle that feeling up. Junky energy. Yeah, sell that.

Like if they could sell that, I guess they do, it's called crack. Well, that's another drug, yeah. Who's saying that they should bring back crack? They should bring it back? Boozy, boozy. What do you mean bring it back, it's still available? No, he's like meth's fucked everything up, meth and pills.

He's like whatever, have a good ol' boozy, he's fucking 100% all the time. Well, you know what Dr. Drew told me about, about crack, did I ever tell you this? No. He said that like, there's drugs, there's a lot of us who, I go, could I try this one time?

Coke, PCP, heroin. He's like, yeah, he goes, he goes, and then you can't tell whose like brain, chemical composition will react certain ways. Like there's certain people like, we could both have meth pipes here, take a hit of meth and he goes, and you might do it,

feel the effects and then just be like, that was wild. And then the other person be like, I need to get that again. And it changes their brain composition. Really? But the one that is like, he's like, you're almost certain that things will change for the worse is crack. That when you do crack even one time,

it affects your brain in such a way that it's over for you. You'll never be like the same again and you'll just be in pursuit of crack forever. Wow. Can you see crack heads, you know, like just completely melt down? He's like, that's how powerful that is.

God, that's crazy. And it's just and it's just coke really right? Cooked yeah. Jelly Roll used to sell crack. Sell crack? I think so. He sold drugs. I think he was a drugged. I think he went to prison for it. Did he go to prison? Yeah he went to prison. He just did a show in a prison. Did he really? He just did a show in a prison like Johnny Cash and he's, man, he's, if, oh, 20 year sentence, he served a year for the charge. What would he go to jail for? What was the charge? Dude, he's, he just, he talked about, did you see him testify in front of Congress? I saw clips of it, yeah. He's firing on all cylinders. Yeah, it was awesome. It's good. I don't I think he's pretty sober

I think he just smokes weed the You mentioned at the beginning it's so cool how many people are hitting me up daily about 5k by May Yeah, so many people are training for it. I think it's the coolest I think we're gonna have a huge show out for that especially when jelly said he was gonna do it, because that's the people who can really affect change. Like when he, I'll get, he's a video-texture. Who's just sending you a video, hey baby. And he texted me one time, he's like, when the fuck does this get better?

Like, this is miserable, he's in the snow, just walking, he's got dog hair all over him. He's like, no, fuck does this is miserable. He's in the snow, just walking. He's got dog hair all over him. He's like, no, fuck, does this get better? But man, if he can get, if he can drop some weight and get, do that 5K, I think he will. He's a guy that puts his mind to something and does it. I think that's going to be fucking huge. Five K, not me.

Really fucking huge. So many people have hit me up. And for people who are like, so I get hit up, where is it? Where is it going to be? We have talked to a couple places. I think it's fair to say we have it down to two potential locations.

I don't wanna give it away yet, but we should be able to announce the exact location fairly soon. Plenty of times of plan a trip for May. Yeah, and it should be a really fun trip in May. I think so. I think you're gonna really enjoy it. And I think what's cool about it is like,

what's really cool about it is, because we had this stupid idea, a lot of people that are very passionate about races and 5Ks and the guys at the highest level, like Cam Hansen and Yemmi's like, you know I got 10 people that wanna talk to you. And so it will be legit fucking fun. Dude, you know those those

Elite people do it and they do it in like 15 minutes His son came here to son ran a marathon as a lark in a pair of jeans the other day in Three hours and 45 minutes in jeans. I think he wrote he's like I haven't run in like six months And he just one there. He's yeah, they're made a different human. Yeah, his I don't I Those children of his are not like mine. No, I don't think my daughters will run The 5k I'd be shocked if we get Isle out of bed. You think Georgia might come to it? George will probably do it. George is in good shape. I listen good shape, but she's just If you tell you gotta be there at seven in good shape, but she's just...

If you tell her you gotta be there at seven, she's gonna be like... She's like, PM? She's like, they got one in the AM? I've never seen that one. That kid is not... I don't think we're gonna motivate her to get out and run a 5K. Although you would if you get Big J there, she'd do it. Really? Yeah, Big J did it, she'd do it.

She loves Big J. Isn't he gonna do it? I think so. Big J's, everyone's getting in better shape. That's like the new thing. Yeah It seems like everyone is trying to lose weight. Stavi. It's funny that people shame you for losing weight And like people hate you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but who does think about that? Who's the person that's gonna be like Mad at you for that? Yeah, it's not someone who's like thriving and doing well. That's mad at you for taking the control of your life.

I mean, like, it's not someone who's like, I'm doing great and I'm just mad at you for not doing the same thing. It's so funny. I just look at everything as inspiring. Even stuff I don't like, I go, oh, try to do something better, cooler. That's a good idea. You know, like, I look at everything as inspiring, even stuff I don't like. I go, oh, try to do something better or cooler. That's a good idea. You know, like, yeah, I look at everything as just inspiring. I don't think I ever look at anyone's weight loss.

There's a dude I follow. I just, he's doing 75 hard and I've watched his body transformation and it's really impressive. Yeah. And I'm like, this is fucking awesome. And then he's, I don't think he has a ton of followers and then he hit me up and I was like, yeah, I've been following your journey, but I don't even know the guy. And he's not famous, but I love following. There's a kid. Do you ever see the kid? Those are inspiring people. Do you ever see the kid that's like, I'm going to do as many squats as followers as I have.

And he's like, today I'm doing 10. And I'll and then I'll do whatever the first comment says and the first comments like move to Africa start a micro loan company It's like hilarious. Yeah, let's let me get 200,000 followers and the next day is like, yeah, I can't do these That's a big trend in like little kids They're like both my boys have done it I have videos of them they sent me videos when I'm on the road of what doing squats for real Yeah doing body squats, and it's so funny because Alice can do them correctly and Julian his mobility is five So he just goes like

The way I do squats. Yeah, I'm like that's not a squat. It's cute 5k by May 5k by May really roll so many people you better fucking do it. We will yeah, of course We'll get you guys an update soon 5k by May. Jelly roll. So many people. You should get involved. Chelsea Brothers better fucking do it. Yeah, of course. We'll get you guys an update soon. Thank you. Gronk, Julian Edelman. Yeah, Gronk, and then all these comics. So many comics.

I'm forcing Gronk to do it. Louis, Mark, Savi, obviously you and I. We gotta get big J.N. Michelle Wolf. A whole bunch of people are gonna do it. What? Mm.

What? Nothing. Okay. Caught myself. You're about to give up. I'm about to say something.. What? Nothing. Okay. Caught myself. You're about to give up. I'm about to say something. A name? Yep. And I didn't.

That's committed? No. That you want to commit? Yep. We should wrap this up. Okay. I'm not good with secrets. All right.

We'll see you guys next week. I love you. I love you. Burt, Tom, Tom and Burt. One goes top, the swathe, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and birds the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call, two bears, one cave.