2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 04 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2 w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Between Tom and Bert, who do you think has dated a more "diverse" group of women? This brings both Bears to share intimate sexy stories about their wives. Who would you pick for Tom and Bert's second wives? Both have somewhat of an idea and we even hear about Bert's "coma fantasy." Tentacle stuff, Down-Blousing and Bert as a Politician? It's all inside The Cave!

Oh right welcome to another two bears one cave he believes everyone should marry within their own race I'm here to tell you love is possible so are you gonna start yeah I've only ever had sex with white chicks ever yeah I hooked up with one black chick one time and we hooked up, we had an upset and then she flipped me and spooned me from behind. That's where it got in New York, yeah. Pretty strong? Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, there's no end, there's a true story. Wow, I had such a number of different races. Really? You're lying. No, I'm serious. Are you serious? Yeah. Well, I know Spanish because you can speak. Yeah. Did you slip in this Spanish? Or did it rule everywhere? Did you flip in this Spanish when you started having sex with a Spanish

chick? No, no, no. Have you ever talked Spanish during sex? No. No. No, sometimes like... You talk during sex? No, I'm pretty silent. I'm kind of weird. I can't imagine bush talks at all. I can't imagine bush box at all. No, no, she just wants it to be over, but she, um, I remember you telling me about when you guys were just dating, you telling me about the first time you guys had sex. You do? Uh-huh. I remember, I'm just gonna go back to this black girl for it.

So, um, in college, yeah, it was funny, because, whatever, she kept telling me to put a condom on, but... And in college, yeah, it was funny because whatever. She kept telling me to put a condom on, but. And then like, I was like, we don't need it. We don't need it. It's like, what are the odds? What are the odds? It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like dropping toast.

It's like, it's gonna be over quickly. But she would let it start and then she was like, nah, you should get one. And she was like, no, you should get one now. I was like, why? You know? I heard a comedian one time tell a story about him raping a girl. On a podcast! On a podcast!

On a fucking podcast! You know what I mean? You just started telling the fucking story. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? the podcast! All the fucking podcast! I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- Oh, oh, oh. Really? I swear to God! Oh, I'm gonna die. Oh, well, to be clear, I was like, okay. And then I left the room.

Oh, she's nice. I stopped her from drowning when oh my fucking god oh this is the hardest I've ever fucking laughed about. Pass out. This is please tell me this is a true story. It is true. What happened? Myrtle bees. Where is that king person in the water?

Let's set the scene. Oh, oh, oh, okay. Let's set the scene. It's 1954, right? I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be, you're the girl you met at Camp Licorice is like, I think I'm gonna go out the water

and you're like, don't go out there, there's gonna be water. Yeah. We were in Murdle Beach Senior Week, and a whole bunch of us took over a shitty, like you're sweating. I'm not, I haven't laughed that hard. Your face dropped.

What? Shut up, don't do that. It's not me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I thought I passed, I thought I was gonna pass out. Oh, can we just make this a four minute podcast in my house? Is the best four minutes you make this a four minute podcast in my heart? Is the best four minutes you're ever

gonna get in podcasting fucking ever? I had this fantasy about telling you you were having a Bell's paulzy episode. And I smile every morning. I'm gonna go not today, not today. Every fucking morning. So first. So, okay, this is kind of fucked up.

So, I'm fucking. So it's senior week. We all take over like one of these shitty myrtle beach motels that's like two blocks from the ocean and we have so many fucking blunts rolled up in the rooms that the cleaning staff would come in and be like, there's a lot of drugs in here. We would be like, do you want some?

And they're like, all right. So we're all by the pool hanging out during the day. This is like all people from your class. And this chick liked me. And when I was walking by the pool one time, she pushes me in, right? Like a kid. Like a kid. Oh, wait. Okay, so here me in, right? Like a kid. Like a kid.

Oh, wait. Okay, so here's the problem when I hear a story. So as a comedian, I immediately know where I want the story to go. Yeah. And I've got my fingers crossed that it's going to where I think it's going. I don't think, I don't know if you're gonna like rega.

Because, well, I mean, there's a near death. So anyways, once she pushes me in, it's fine because we're all, you know, everyone's smoking, drinking, and I- And you pretend you're drowning, you're like, oh, no, I do, yeah. I play and I'm like, I'm gonna get you back, right? And she walks away.

I'm gonna get you a sucker. She walks away and then it's like the next day or whatever. And I see her by the edge of the pool and I go to push her in and as I go to push her in, and as I go to push her in, she grabs my arm as she's going in to the water and goes like, ah, like let's out a panic screen. As we go in the water together, she starts full-failing. And I don't mean like, oh, I can't swim,

but like clawing, grabbing, kicking, and I'm underneath, and she's fucking, oh, I go, I have to like comeing, grabbing, kicking, and I'm underneath and she's fucking I have to like come up and go I'll save you like that and she's screaming that she can't swim and then I basically is dragged her to the side and I'm like what the fuck was that she's like I can't swim like don't stand next to the edge of the pool, then I took her, that's her bowl, that's her bowl. The fuck you're here, fool. Yeah, you're back here. What's the vegan doing in the meat aisle? Oh, yeah.

Then we go upstairs and we have a trite of sex there. But she joins me, no, I'm in the shower, she comes in the shower. She's like, this water doesn't get higher than this, right? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and then, oh, but then she's fucking doing the thing and she's like, don't put it in.

I'm like, why are you jumping in the shower? Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? What are you getting in the shower? By the way, I've, I've, in Russia, I took a chick into the shower and I didn't want to fuck her because everyone told me everyone had AIDS over there. So, but I kept just, I basically just put it in for a second

and then she'd wanna have sex and I'd just pull it out and be like, no, I don't wanna AIDS. And then I was like, you can't get AIDS that quickly. It was basically like that. I mean, a lot of just, it's in there. How many girls do you think you've put your dick in but you don't count as sex? Not many. Who?

Key. How many you have? Probably eight. That you put it in. That I put my dick in and then was like we shouldn't do this. You got it that far? Then you got it in. Yeah, yeah. I was my that was my move. I mean, that's the best move of all. The best move is always getting it in. But I would get it in and then I was like I'm I there's one check. I think about this one check so much because she was such there's one chick. I think about this one chick so much because she was such a great, great girl. I think I want to say her name was Stephanie.

I don't remember Tiffany, something like that. She lived in the South South. Okay. And she definitely wanted to have sex. And where, what year is, like, what are you in college? Are you out of college? 20, seven years old, 20.

Okay, so you're a junior in college. Okay. 26 years old, 26 years old. I'm just graduating. By the way, that wasn't far off. And so she was subletting an apartment in Chelsea. I was living in New York, but I was going back and forth from LA. And every night we'd hook up, we'd hook up.

And we were like, we shouldn't have sex. And then we get to the point where I'd put it in. And then she'd want to fuck and I'd be like I was like and two things I was like I don't have a condom and sec I don't want to get her some chick pregnant And then the other thing was like I'm gonna come so fast this girl's gonna lose all respect for me So I just stop and then and then she blow me and I was like Wait a minute what yeah, I know see you'd still get up. I don't know if it's so bad at sex. I'm so bad at sex.

Really? Oh, oh. I had sex last night. You should make a video, because you don't care if anybody sees it. Just make a video. I would make a sex video in a second. It would be, I want to,

the, I had sex last night with Leanne, and it was so quick. And Leanne got, there's a, Leanne got, really into it, Leanne got really into it. Like really, really into it. And literally climbed on me and I was like, I, it got so fucking worked up that I just came right away.

I was like, and she was like, like she even stopped before I came, like, hold on, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, keep going, keep going. Dude, I think there's, I think because I never grew up and got a job and did all that stuff, that I, there's still like, my brain sexually is 17 years old. Oh, that could, maybe that's the thing.

I don't, I only got ever group past college emotionally. Yeah. So like, I don't think with sex, I never, like, I could never like take it. So your whole, like, do you basically, when you start to have sex every time now, you're just like, I'm definitely gonna come really fast right now.

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. You're ready to come right before you even start. 100%. I could sometimes, I could come just going down on the end. What? Yeah. Dude, it's the sexiest.

I started looking at porn because this is what I see when she, what I see when she, well, like what I see is, it's, Leanne laying in a bed naked at me going down on her looking up at her, like, like, crocodile eyes. That is the sexiest thing in the fucking world. I love that look. Somebody should animate this, but if,

yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. But you, so you've come just from that? Are you saying you could? I haven't I could, I really could. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, there's something about giving, like, Leanne losing control and getting turned on,

that for me is like, Yeah, of course, that's what you turn on. But that's like, I saw something like, she can make me come by just saying something. Yeah, I'm just like, yeah, I suck at sex. That's why I would never have sex with a lot of people. I only had sex with people. I did need sex with people.

Oh, I'm more than you. I'd sex with a really tall Asian one time. You ever, like, what's the tallest Asian? Yeah. That's such a zero. I never had sex with an Asian chick at all. I really joke. See this, what we were talking about.

What's the tallest chick you ever slept with Kristen this girl Kristen probably 510. It's pretty tall. What about the shortest Probably the end no maybe that girl Alex like five five five five six Okay, yeah, I had sex with a couple really small 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 5, 6. Okay, yeah, I had sex with a couple really small, really small girls. Like, how small? We have a lot of people have you had sex with. Not that many.

Like, over, like, put it in the sports, is it a soccer team? Is it a basketball team? Oh, I got you. It's like a, a-a-u basketball team. No, it's like a, ha ha ha ha ha ha. It's right in like the, it's like in the teens or something. Yeah, I'm like a college golf team. Yeah

um, I No, I've never had sex with a nation. I really joke this is what we're talking about outside where you go when we started comedy You because there was no perils to it. You would say the most Fucked up shit on stage or in podcasting and now you say it and you write it and you're like maybe I'll hold off on that one. The joke I wrote, the joke I wrote the other day was I was like Asian chicks are like BMW 5 series. Okay, they're fucking great. They're hot, they're good looking, but there's so many of them that you're like, oh yeah, I don't really. Oh, it's a five series, we can all get five series.

Thank you. Have you taken that on stage? No, you should. I do, I stay away from anything to, I don't like it lately. What? To racial, like, because I feel like in your set, you can have, if you're gonna talk about Black people,

you get one thing to talk about Black people, you don't get to do it all the whole year. Yeah, yeah. You're like, I'm fucking like a lunatic. And so, and with race, I have like three race jokes. One of them, I fucking, one of them that I've been telling, I told to you on a podcast and you left so hard I was like maybe I'll try that on stage and it is

Destroying really yeah, yeah, yeah I took a shit in Japan once it was so bad the guy that's all next to me threw up. Yeah, yeah We were in Japan. I thought he was talking to me. Yeah, that's really funny. Yeah, and so that one I Forgot this joke I had I did Bryden's science podcast. Yeah, I was my what's my cup to oh man He's great dude. He used to be so fun to tour with me. We just talk touring and I haven't I'm gonna talk to him Forever he's he's great. He's benching a lot by the way. He's really into bench pressing now. You're lying He goes to like a bench press ship He's pensioned 300 pounds now. Yeah

You cannot tell by looking at him. No And for some we started talking about and like when you leave a joke There's oh, so this was I go I remember this joke I remember this joke from years ago that I used to tell I used to say Oh, yeah, I was having sex with this really petite woman, right she was super hot But she was so small, right? So like, it was, oh, and it was an Olympic year. So I felt like I was a trader. She was a, she was a Romanian gymnast. Alright. So she was, I said it wrong. I was having sex with a Romanian gymnast

and it was an Olympic year. So I felt like a trader. And she was, she was so hot, but she was so small. So when I was having sex there, I was like, you're so hot, but you're so small, I feel like I'm fucking a kid. And she took it like fucking you reminds me of when I fuck kids. And that's not what I meant. I meant you're small.

Yeah. The way kids are. Yeah. And I'm fucking. Now finger painting, that reminds me of when I fuck kids. Oh, that's funny. That was like, that's like a 12 year old joke. But I forgot about and also I didn't like,

you know, they're popping your head and you're like, oh yeah, I used to fucking, I used to sometimes bomb or do well with that. Ha ha ha. Dude, I think of that so much of the things, the swings I would take when I was younger and not give a fuck. And now I just go, now I think it was because back then it was us against them. Yeah, and now it's us with them. It's totally different The dynamic changes. I told a joke that I thought was really I thought it was really fucking brilliant joke and

This black chick came up to me at the end of my show in DC doing the meet and greet She's like hey great set and I was like yeah, she goes that joke though is kind of fucked up And I was like really she was yeah, just, that joke though is kind of fucked up. And I was like, really? And she goes, yeah, just letting you know, like, I wouldn't work on that. And I went, really? And she goes, yeah, I think that it allows people

the opportunity to feel less than in your show. And I don't think you ever want that. And I went, I didn't even think of what, where, what I was saying, I was just saying it, you know, like, like I used to. And so that's when I just kind of changed it. I was like, all right, if I'm going to talk about something, if I'm going to, if just saying it, you know, like I used to. And so that's when I kind of changed it. I was like, all right, if I'm gonna talk about something, if I'm gonna go somewhere,

I better be fucking well-fought out. Dude, I got such, I got an email. The worst emails are their well-written ones, like, because they really make you feel badly. Like, sometimes people email you or message you and they're like, fuck you, you suck, you're like, okay. Dude, yeah, fuck that guy. The ones that start off with listen man, just so you know, big fannier podcast, I love you and they're like, fuck you, you suck, you're like, okay. Yeah, fuck that guy. The people are the ones that start off with listen man,

just so you know, big fan of your podcast. I love you and Tom's new podcast. Followed you on Joe, found you through Ari. I gotta be honest with you though. And you're like, oh, just gonna sting. I was at your show and I was having a great time and then it's like dot, dot, dot, until you said this.

And for the moment, I felt like I was in a surreal space as everyone around me laughed at what you were pointing out and I sat there alone and broke it. And you're like, what the fuck, man? And then they go on, I tried to have fun the rest of the show, but after that joke, I just couldn't. And you're like, all right. Um, thank you for the...

And they're like, just something to give you, pause about, I'd been a lifelong fan. And you're like, okay. I had a joke about baby arms. And I was like, when adults have a baby arm. Yeah, I had a joke about baby arms. And I was like, like when adults have a baby arm? Yeah, it was a joke about traffic school. I'm sure I told you the story.

A true story happened to me at traffic school in Perbank. The punshine isn't, but one of the punshines is the teacher had an atrophy right arm. I didn't know what to call it. Called on a baby arm. Yeah. The first night I tell it, I figure it out. I figure out the end of the joke. And I'm like, oh, doing my meet and greet two people with Baby Arms.

Ever, I swear to you, all my children. Every time I don't tell it, I don't meet one. Anytime I tell it, someone comes up with a fucked up arm. Every... It's always how it goes. it's always how it's always and they don't say anything they're cool they're like great show great show but you know in their head they're like it's not even them it's their boyfriend going back yeah and that's all dude I I the boyfriends like you know we haven't even talked about it in months we just got past talking about it and you fucking bring it up God do you remember how ruthless humans used to Like, think of how bad they were in the fucking turn of the century. Like, I remember in college, you were,

you mean when they didn't plan for tomorrow? Because someone's probably gonna die today. Yeah, ruthless. It was ruthless, yeah. I mean, I bet doing comedy in the fucking 1880s, like right before prohibition. Like, I bet you could just go. Hey, you ever get tired of beating your wife?

And then I was like, I know, right? Takes a lot out of me. And then all of a sudden, you're like, whoa, what if he overtook me? I mean, I haven't even known you. Dude, yeah, you can get away with anything, for sure. You can also kill people, and it's not really a big deal. Yeah, dude, what was Charlie's roommate, Joe Zimmerman, do you remember him?

Yeah. Joe Zimmerman has the greatest joke about Andrew Jackson, challenging men to doles. Like, do you imagine challenging someone to a duel? I bet no one would talk shit. Dude, you would expect, like, how little would death affect you in that era? If everyone who got a cold died, everybody that broke a bone died, and everybody that pissed somebody off, you're like, oh, so much probably gonna shoot you or stab you, and nobody would basically get in trouble.

I... I... death affects me so much, I can't enjoy this old face app everyone's doing. Did you start thinking about that? Because I know that's what's that 10 years from now. Yeah. It's fucking 10 years. I won't, you know what I almost did? Uh, just use the face app and put it in.

Here's a picture of me in 10 years and it's just a picture of nothing because I'll be fucking dead. What the fuck? Like everyone's, uh, what without crazy, I'm gonna look for you. How long do you think you have to live? But think about this. I can't imagine going past 70. I mean, that's like, right, already, I go 70, I'm not gonna see past 70.

That's a pretty good run. It's a pretty good run, 70. You don't wanna get too old. Like, no, you don't. My wife's grandmother almost died in front of us at lunch. Yeah. She started choking, but choking just on saliva and like air. Just, and we thought she was gonna die.

And then it was just her dentures fell out. She was really rough. And my daughters were there, we're all watching. And then, and then I thought, you don't wanna be there. You don't wanna. No, no, no. You didn't. She's asked to have someone live with her.

And so, you don't wanna be a burden on anybody. And I wouldn't want the girls to not live their life because dad fucking partied his entire adulthood now in these fucking clostomy bags and they've got to wipe my ass. That's definitely gonna happen! There you are! I guess everyone's coming over for drinks.

You know, I used to drink back before when I had a soft gas. And you know that people will be like, oh, did your dad use to drink and someone will go, did he use the fucking drink? And they'll pull up their face. Ask him how many toes he has. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want, I definitely want to die before my kids. Definitely.

Yeah, of course. That's one of the saving graces is if I get no car accident and they're like, sir, don't close your eyes. I'm gonna go, you know what? I didn't have to see my kids die. Cunk. Yeah, of course. That's one of the saving graces is if I get no car accident and they're like, sir, don't close your eyes. I'm gonna go, you know what? I didn't have to see my kids die. Clunk. Yeah. That's one of my saving.

I don't want Leanda to die before me. You don't? No, you do barely poorly with that. Dude. Very beautiful. You want to see a shit show? Yeah. Do you ever see that scene in Swingers when he,

that girl, dumps him and he's in his, in John Fabros in his room and his wife, beater and Vince Vaughn comes in with a salami and a glass cup. But thing orange juice is like dude, you gotta get out of this. Yeah, that's gonna be me and my daughters. Like someone knocking on the door like, hey guys, it's been two months.

You guys haven't left the house and we're like, yeah, we're not doing so hot near. The dogs are all eating their own shit. Although it would be nice, you know. To get that second wife going, yeah. What do you think you'd get? Do you think, that's a real smile too. What do you think you'd get?

Let me put the question back on you. If you could get another luxury card, you know which one you'd want? I have a few in the... Ah! If you lined up. Oh, fuck yeah! Yeah, because you get kind of a dummy, right?

Not all this fucking hard. Hardcore dummy. Yeah. Hardcore dummy. Yeah, like hardcore dummy. That Dalmatian wife, that's what you call. Yeah, yeah, I just, huh? Avert, huh?

And she's like, she's like, bye. I found some shoes that I, they're like $800 and you're like, that's cool. And then she just doesn't say anything else. And then she's like, do you need a blowy? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she blows you and then she's like, I'm going shopping again.

And then she just takes off. And it's just like, what's the model you want? How do you want it? What do you want her to look like? Blond hair. Blond hair, young. I want like, like, but when I say young, young for me, like 30, like 30 would be perfect.

Cause she's grown up enough to not wanna go to parties. Yeah. But she's like, I wanna have a pool. I wanna have a pool. Yeah, is she educated? Hmm, I mean, it's not a must. I wouldn't mind like just like a foreigner. Oh like a for, yeah, yeah.

Like I wouldn't mind Russian. But like kinda wowed by all the nice people. Oh yeah, I want a barracuda wife. It But like kind of wowed by all the nice things. Oh, yeah. I want a barracuda wife. It was all blown away by the razzle dazzle. You're right, it's like shiny things. It's like, huh?

What? What? Bert show me remote control turns on the thing. Like always. Alexa. Yeah. We have a sermon, eh? Yeah, I don't know what accent I'm doing. It's good, it's pretty good.

It's somewhere in Eastern Europe. I want, I want, I said, I had a premise I was working on that I don't want to cheat on my wife, but I do want to impress someone else. Yeah. Like, because Leanne, you can't impress her, like at all. Like, she's never impressed. The girls got upgraded on the flight

from home from Australia, and then Leanne wasn't, and she was like She got no right? Where about you? Oh, I was already, yeah. I'm in flying first, that's definitely. And so, no, but I was staying in Australia. They were going home, so we just had three of them. Oh, okay, okay.

And I said, and I called the American Airlines and I go, how much to just pay for the last seat? She goes, uh, it's $1,500. So I go, oh, okay, we're definitely doing it. And Leanne's like, whoa, why are you gonna waste $1,500. So I go, oh, okay, we're definitely doing it. And then I'm like, well, why are you gonna waste $1,500? I'll just sit in coach. And I go, no, the two girls are in first class for free. You sit in first class for $1,500, and she's like, I would rather the $1,500,

and I was like, no, you wouldn't. Trust me, like, I just want the girl that goes $1,500, yeah, do it, fuck yeah, I want it so. You know, like, I want to impress, like that, I just can't impress Leanne, nothing impresses her. And so I would love that. Well, is it that not, it's not that nothing impresses her, is it that the things that you want to impress or don't impress her?

She's impressed by something. She's entirely different. I know. I don't think she's impressed by anything by me. I don't think there's any part of me that she's like, wow, like, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, like even like, you know, doing a theater, like She's just like, oh, it's great, but it's not like I want someone to be like come in like come in Be like whoa you how many people are in here and I'm like 1200 and they're like

1200 people know who you are like, But a lot of people feel like that. Yeah, but not my wife, the one person I want to try. But just why don't you just get another wife? Like, what was that? That's what we're talking about. All right, so. Two fantasies. One, God forbid, something happened and I get a new wife.

That's not about one. God forbid. God forbid. Other one, okay? About this a bunch. She's crossing the street and a motorcycle hits her.. I say motorcycle because I'm gonna do too much damage But I wanted to go into a coma and then I wanted Do you remember what I was saying? I wish I could say

Yeah, so she goes into a coma the doctors go what do we do and I go we're gonna rebuild her all right start with her tits They were a double D before let's build them up and we just complete and don't Oblast Dude it's this would be how much how many calories we feed her cut that now here we go Dude this would be great for your career like do you realize if She was in the coma you could get away with absolutely anything and people like give the guy a fucking break All right, she was hit by a motorcycle, Jesus Christ. And then you can just say anything, anything,

nobody would ever get on your case man. Drive home, come back and just kill Bill that ass. She's in bed and nervous. He's such a doting father. He goes and checks on her twice and I'm coming out with a towel wiping up. Hey guys, clean up room seven. You're gonna need a mop, boy. By the way, that is considered rape. Clean up room seven You're gonna need a bot bonus by the way that that is considered rape

Not a bit your wife. No, it is Yeah, she can't give consent We get we do it in our living trust We do it would you like them to pull a plug and can he fuck your holes while you sleep? I don't know how we're fucking oxygen thing gets up overhead every day I'll give it the old wrestler three count You want some chips? No, I can't. This is the bug in a hardest cycle. I've been laughing this hard in a really long time. I thought, what do you like?

Oh, dude. that looks good. I cannot say no to Cheetos puffs. Yeah, I cannot say no to Cheetos puffs All right, let's try if we can to Rank these no what we're gonna do is say that these are Comedians and explain why these are comedians. Yeah explain what comedian. This is like like for instance Well, this is just gonna get racist. I realized I picked this up. I was like all right Steve Trevino All right, never mind. This is Alright, never mind, this horrible game.

Oh my God, man. Hey, we, uh, whoo. We drinking water? Yeah. Don't just start drinking water. I haven't made shower in a while. It's pretty good stuff, right? Ever since we got a pool, my showering is cut probably by seven eighths.

What do you mean? I just stop showering. That's a good thing. So the pool is your shower? Yeah, getting the pool. That's a shower. That's not a shower. Dude, you fucking maniac. No, when you stop showering, you also stop brushing your teeth.

I haven't brushed my teeth. Because I just, I don't think about it. I'm not getting out of the shower to brush my teeth. I brushed my teeth this morning because I was like, if he might say something, they were that bad. I floss a lot. That's important.

How long had you gone without brushing your teeth? I'll call you in. I'll tell you to check your calendar. Like you write it down. No, no, no, no. This is the new grossest thing ever about you. Dude, wait, call you in. I've been long as I've gone without brushing my teeth.

I mean, I, she said last night at 4-seq, she was like, wait, call the end. I've been long as I've gone without brushing my teeth. I mean, she said last night at 4-secs, she was like, hey, brush your teeth. And I was like, because we've been to lake. By the way, I was at the lake. I wasn't showering at the lake. So I was like, if I get in the lake, I'm clean. That's my shower. Ugh.

I always thought, I told you, and that's a Florida thing, but you grew up in Florida and you don't think that? No. For real? Do you want a beer? No. I got shit today. I'm going to Queen tonight. Queen? Yeah. For real? Do you want a beer? No. I got shit today.

I'm going to Queen tonight. Queen? Yeah. At the forum. Oh shit. You have me and the girls. I'm trying to figure out this. They like Queen?

They like Queen. They like Queen. Hey, what's the longest I've ever gone without brushing my teeth? I don't know. How would I know that? We were talking about how I kind of haven't showered in a while, but I've three shower today. Because I count the pool of showers. Leon. Yes, sir. Hey, Leon.

Hey, is is bird a good lover? Yes. Okay. I think I'd be within this long if it weren't. Well, no, I didn't, but he was saying that he's a terrible lover. Yeah, he has a really bad self-esteem. I don't know if you know this about him. I did not know that about him.

But he said he hasn't been brushing his teeth or showering lately and that is usually tied to mental illness. It's not lately for the last like 17 years, so I wouldn't call it lately. Jesus. They call it consistently. So like when the when the girls were toddlers, you'd be like, you have to brush your teeth, burr, you too, like that. No, because I refused to be his parent. Oh, I floss a lot though. That's what counts. Have you ever heard of? Have you heard his fantasy about you being in a coma? Okay. I love you, baby. I love you. I love you. I love you. I'll talk to you a little bit. Bye bye. I bet you're a better lover than you being in a coma.

I bet you're a better lover than you were saying you were. I don't know, would be great if we were. She would totally bash you if you were. Let's write a script where I, let's shoot a porn. If you could fuck one porn star, who would it be? I've never actually watched a porn before. So, okay, let's start with, isn't that the worst when you meet adults? There's three adults in my life right now

who are like, I've never actually... Peat homes. Peat doesn't watch porn. But no, I'm saying I've met adults. Adults who are like, I've never actually seen one frame of porn. I'm like, what are you talking about? How have you never ever seen any of it?

I've seen gay porn, like Jesus. Or gang bags, gay gang bags. I've seen everything. I've seen stuff that makes you go, that's not technically porn. Like, that's just gross. Oh, that's, yeah. Tentacle porn, you ever seen Tentacle porn?

Mm. Oh, by the way, Tentacle porn's weird until it gets you turned you on and you're like, wait, what the fuck am I watching? Aliens stuck to the roof, right? Asian chick walks in. All of a sudden, Tentacle drops from the roof, Kong. It's a complete and total.

Can you just pull up one tentacle porn? Tentacle. That's anime, oh my god, that's anime. I saw this alien one that Josh showed me. Josh Potter showed me from Area 51. What? Tentacles corrupt new tenant. Okay. What's this? Let's see. Oh yeah, this is good. Tannicle porn. This is real. Let me see.

What's going on? Oh, so these are like the... She's like, she's really enjoying it. Yeah. It's, there's... It's not bad. Except it's fucking pixelated. It is? Oh, because it's in Japan. Why would they It's there's isn't not bad Except it's fucking pixelated. It is oh cuz it's in Japan. Why would they pixelate that they have a weird law about that Ten of those corrupt new tenant She checked it she looked she got that remnant that apartment and then found out there was an alien the ten of a porn After a while you're like you're like, okay, this makes sense. I can see how this is hot. Yeah, I don't know. Quick Sam porn is the one that I...

And you like blousing. Down blousing. Down blousing, yeah. Down blousing is fucking hot. You can't even find good down blousing on porn hub. All the good down blousing is on YouTube. Because then you know it's like, I'm actually, the one's on YouTube, you're like,

who's on Hot Ones? Whoa, that's just a straight up porn. Oh, the one with the girl bent over? Yeah, on YouTube? Looks like it. Nice. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, someone's getting a boat, that turns me on. Downblowsing one. Count the views on these. Oh, that, oh.

So this is shot just for what you're talking about. Yeah, this is just shot for, oh yeah. And it's just, like and share. That's the name of this video. Who comments, who comments on these? I mean, they're about to shoot a porn, right? Like this is like, I don't know.

I think she thinks she's a model. There we go. That's good down blousing. Just get you going. I just, it's the only, look at that. That's a, oh, she's gonna do wet down blousing. How great would it be if an alligator attacked her right now? That'd be actually pretty great. as a cameraman do you keep filming?

You're like 100% you're gonna go a fucking garbage person if you don't She's not a good swimmer. She's not that turn you on a little bit So why do we hit pause? Wait, where does it go to like when you just sound was it scrub it though? Is it she just like she just gets out and okay? She bends over and her tops wet Why do we hit pause? Wait, where does it go to? Like when you... It just sound like it's... Scrub it though. She just like... She just gets out and she bends over and her tops wet. Isn't this the part where the guys like, well you seem lost here. I can help you get back.

You gotta really trust a guy to go out to the woods and shoot this with him. Oh, that's what I'm trying. Oh, there's an undercut of under boob. Oh, yeah, that's a nice shot. You ever do something like that where you take a girl out to the woods and you're like, you're not going back unless nobody did tell you about the time my buddy kidnapped those girls, right? No, I can't say his name.

He asked me to stop saying his name. Is dudu's the fucking's the funniest story post. In the moment, it was not funny. Let's just call him Tom, okay? Okay. So we were, he was getting ready to graduate. I was getting ready to graduate. We were both like six year seniors.

And he's like, what do you wanna do? So let's go over to the house. So we went over to the attorney house to do a hangout and it turned out they were having a social. That's how old we were. We didn't even know they were having a social. So we pulled up in his car, his car was filled with laundry because he's getting ready to move to California.

Pull up in his car and these two girls come bouncing out, young freshman bouncing out, see his headlights and go and start y'all, turn your fucking headlights off. And he's like, who the fuck are these checks? That's when realized they're having a social and he's like god damn it man What's wrong with people that they would come out into a car? They don't even know who's in the car. They're gonna fucking take that aggression and then he just turns his lights off roses windows Down he goes hey to say something and the girl is like what he goes

He goes on a party and they're like who are are you? And he goes, I'm Tom. No, he goes, he goes, who are you? And he goes, doesn't matter. Come on, let's go party. And they're like, what do you guys got? And he's like, weed, you want to smoke weed? And they're like, we want to smoke weed. He was like, get in.

And like, okay. And he looks at me, goes, can you believe they just get in my fucking car? And I go, I know. But you're in the car, kid. I'm in the car. And the, and by the way, this guy does not smoke weed. So I'm like, what the fuck? Where's, I smoke weed. I don't have any weed. So they get in the car. I'm in the car. And by the way, this guy does not smoke weed. So I'm like, what the fuck?

Where is, I smoke weed, I don't have any weed. So they get in the car and he kind of backs out and they're like, where are you going? He goes, well, we can't get high in front of our house. We're gonna get in trouble. And they're like, okay, so then he pulls out on Tennessee Street. So it's going down Tennessee Street. And they're like, where are you going?

He goes, we want to get away from the house. Don't want to get high near the house, you know? So he takes a left by the stadium, which is now pretty far away. And they're like, wait, where are you going to go? So you guys got money? And they're like, what? And he goes, well, we gotta buy the weed.

And they're like, you don't even have weed? And he was like, no, we gotta go buy some weed. And they're like, this is more than what we wanted. Can you just turn this car around? And he goes, yeah, I'll do that. And they go, no, seriously, turn it around now. And he goes, you don't give me fucking directions And she goes no you turn the car around now. Why swear to God?

I'm gonna scream as loud as I as I can and he pulls the car over and he turns around to go scream as loud as you want No one's gonna hear you These girls face is dropped. I freak out and I go Tom and he goes don't say my fucking name Don't say my fucking name and I go dude. fucking name. And I go, dude, I turn around and I go, listen, my name's Bert, I work for Save That's Court. You're 100% fine, nothing's gonna happen to you. He's joking around. Tom is, and he goes, quit saying our names.

No, we're gonna have to kill him. And I go, Tom, please stop, please stop. He then takes these girls, we were lived by the same, to where our apartment is, right? They are freaking the fuck out. I'm coming them down. They get to where our apartment compsecs is. They jump out of the car.

They run into his apartment. I swear to God, they run into his apartment. And they run into his apartment. Oh, they just run up the stairs to his, like condo. I'm like, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? He goes, Ben, I probably saved their lives. I probably saved their fucking lives. I said, what, he goes, they were safe with me?

No, who's gonna happen? But we scared him enough. Now they're never getting anyone in a stranger's car. I'm like, they're in your apartment. I go, they're in your apartment. He goes, I know, I know. I need you to go up. We'll get them home safe.

You take care of it. I'm not gonna deal with it. I go up and they are with his two roommates. Who they happen to know. And they ended up fucking this two roommates at night. Ha! That's a lovely story. He came over to my house and said, can you believe that?

They didn't learn a lesson. They fucking, they didn't learn a lesson. I thought I saved a life, then they fucked Dude Ashemek Bay. There's real names. I went to a fucking, this is crazy. I was in Philly, and like, dirty Philly, you know? So Philly.

Like with some real fucking, these guys were having a horseshoe tournament and like all the dudes had like weird fucking nicknames that all had to do with Coke. Like, I remember just being there with the one guy I know and he's introduced me, he's like, this big Willie style, this is this guy, and like, he's like, this is eight ball, this is,

I go, okay, and all the dudes seemed like scumbags, you know? And I know nothing about Jorge, I'm just with my friend, I'm like, all right, I'm just hanging out, and then he's like, oh shit, here's fucking Kevin. These guys are fucking bad guys. I'm like, why are they here? He's like, oh shit, here's fucking Kevin. And these guys are fucking bad guys. I'm like, why are they here? He's like, they love horseshoe. So.

I can't keep a horse here, man. They come up and they basically tell us that they kidnapped a girl. Like they're like, they're like, they're like, we fucking. So this girl was at the airport and she was lost. So we, she was lost. Oh,, uh... She was lost. Oh, what kind of fucking human being sees someone in need and goes, this is my opportunity. These guys, and they took her out on a boat.

And, uh, yeah. She's not here anymore. Oh, God. That's what I just want my daughters to be. No, no, no, she's a liar. They didn't kill her, no, no, no. I just want my daughters to be wear enough to notice when bad shit's happening.

Yeah, when bad shit's lining up. And just not to meet like pariahs like these guys though, which they probably will also Steve, and then this is, who's this? Well, this is, I just realized as soon as I did this, they're all like Mexican flavored. So I was like, this is just gonna be, I'm trying to think of who this is,

who's like, this is like Pablo. This is Steve. Steve Pervigno. This is, I don't know, but this is fluffy. Fluffy, yeah. Yeah, good, the puffs. The puffs. Yeah, fluffy's app was the, he did the old face app. You see fluffy?

Yeah. You see his caption? No, what was it? That was funny. He's like, he put the old face on, and was like me waiting for, waiting for Netflix to tell me if I got season two of my show. I've only met fluffy once. Oh, he's the fucking greatest.

He's a parent, I don't know anything about him. He was very fucking nice, but he walked up, go to his Instagram. He walked up and he, he's another guy we were talking about. He's just fucking destroying it. Oh yeah, I mean, just next level, like I don't think, I don't think me and him

can have a conversation about Ticket sales Yeah, no like I don't like I don't think he that's great He's gonna be a comic column going to comic on this weekend No, he's No, he does like arenas and amphitheaters state fairs. That's so crazy I mean like do you do you see that in your future? No.

I don't, am I any other? I'm like, I'm really cool with the Chicago theater. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. Yeah. I mean, I'm like, I can't understand how you do 10,000 seats. It's just insanity. Well, I mean, I definitely think there's a,

I mean, I was breaking that up, right? Like, I think, I don't think I should do a state fair. As a matter of fact, they told me I shouldn't do one. I think your comedy's best at like, at like, 3,000 seats. Yeah. Because those are the people that will get it, are gonna get it. Because I don't want people, I don't want people that don't know who I am to come to a show.

They're like... 10,000, 15,000 of them. Yeah. Just, do you think that, do you think that, and I'm sure, fluffier Joe Koy would have different answers, but do you think when they do, like a 10,000 cedar, do you think everyone there knows who they are? It's impossible, right? It's gotta be like offices that go. I think most people at those shows definitely know who they're seeing.

I mean, they have to. They have to. They wouldn't sell tickets. Yeah. No one, no one buys. But I also, I also think it changes from, like those guys will also do the improv, and they'll do the theater. I think when they do a huge venue, like an arena, it becomes, it's not so much a comedy show as it's an event.

It's like, what did you do this spring? I saw a joke, I saw a joke. I saw a joke was special, the one he did in Hawaii, and I'm telling you, that, I mean, all I can speak really to is the first 15 minutes, but like that first 15 minutes where he was talking about Asian people, that's a club joke. I mean, it's like, you probably wrote it.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I can't really, everything else I think is probably a venti, but that, and the fucking, it's club material he's doing in a fucking arena. Like it's intimate, fun, energy in a fucking arena. I just, I, I'm, yeah, I don't know. That dude has a lot of energy too. So to you though, it's weird man. I can't, I watch people like you guys and I'm like,

Jesus, how do they fucking, what, what, do you just have like so much energy? Like the way you perform, I'm like, Jesus, like it seems like you're fucking amped up. It took me a year I got to be honest with you. I remember you telling me when you're like when you go to theaters It's a different act. I remember you telling me that and I was like I'm gonna be talking about that first I would say the first Ten times I did theaters. I was standing in the center Yeah, and then I got to a comedy club and I realized well, I don't have any room to move around

Yeah, I got to really comfortable with the theater stage of moving and using the stage. I really love doing theaters now. Theater's a great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where the podcast everyone's like, go back to the time Tom had sex. Tell us about the tall Asian.

Oh yeah. Well, I was gonna say then, the shortest were at two that were 4'11. Like the bagel guy? Like bagel guy, yeah. He is. In the video, you couldn't see how short he was until he did start doing press

and he went into Jim and Sam and he is like Jim Norton towers over him and you're like, oh, you are. Yeah. But did you see, I watched all, he is. You did a lot of press. He did a lot of press. Jesus. He did a lot of press he did a lot of press Jesus

He did a lot of press and I mean I don't think What's interesting is he's so you think you could fuck him up? Yeah Yeah, pretty certain I mean I think once I got past the the dog he has, because he talks very confident. Yeah. But then once that other guy who didn't seem like he was training and fighting it all, was like, you're done talking to people like that

and held them on the ground. Oh my God. I wonder if you'd be any different if you were like four or 11. I feel like you'd have the same personality. Oh, I'd, you'd be killing it as a four or 11 guy. Do you ever think about, I thought about that so often, who you would be in different sizes.

Like would I be who I am if I had a full head of hair and I was skinny? Like if I was gorgeous, would I still have my personality? No, and not at all. Would you do comedy? No. No. You'd be selling like roofing.

I could live in a sailboat. Yeah. Fucking bangin' tenth, dippin' my finger and pussy every night. He's fuckin' drinking cold beers and smoking cigarettes and just. Yeah, yeah drinking cold beers and smoking cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if you were like six, six, you know? Oh, with that big fucking knee dick. Yeah. All the way to, oh. No comedy. No, I'm gonna do comedy at all. I probably, but if you were fucking 4'11, you do comedy. It's about plus 4'11, I'd be much funnier than I am now.

Yeah. I think I'd be fucking hilarious. I'd be having a big belly. Yeah, big like pregnant belly. Yeah. And I'd be like, and you own being the little fella. The problem is that guy just got to own being the little guy. Well you know I was watching one of his videos of him walking into 7-11, did you watch that?

Yeah, I saw part of that. And apparently this Middle Eastern guy just goes, how tall are you? Yeah, and he's. And the guy and apparently this Middle Eastern guy just goes how tall are you? Yeah, and he's fucking He's like, you know fucking disrespectful that shit is I came here by coffee How tall are you? Country from the guys like I looked man. I don't want to be Sorry, I thought you walked in a spectacle. I saw fucking yeah, I saw I never see someone that big dude

He's yeah, is this him here? I Love that he give a shout out to Rogan here put your headphones on We got it plug it in he gave a shout out to Rogan to do Rogan's podcast. He did. Oh, yeah, he's like Joe Rogan. Let's do this And I'm guessing Joe didn't respond And I'm guessing Joe didn't respond Poor guy had to jump up to tap that into the keyboard Here this is just a 7-11 one it is right? Okay, I come in here to get a coffee and to get a donut. It's May 5, 2019 He put the donut on the counter

Fucking 530 and a more than a 7-11 counter That's fucking this that's the most alarming part of this video It's just sitting there on the counter Yeah backass right here asked me what is my height now? What do you got to say about that look at this guy? He's like By the way everyone when he does a selfie video everyone gets a hero shot. Yeah, I come in here to give I give you guys a lot of business right? A lot of business. I just get... well hold on a minute. I just bring this to the counter right to pay for my shit. You don't say hi how you doing? The first thing out of your mouth

is what's my height? Where are you from? What country are you from? What country are you from? I know I don't believe you fuck fuck I don't believe your mother fucking sorry You know it all I could think the entire time was what kind of fucking idiot working at 7-Eleven Just doesn't wait until he exits the door and looks at the height thing on the side and go huh? It's five foot How do you like me asking you a question like that? You don't like it do you? This guy's love that question. What? This is me and you you're the guy with the most that I'm the guy with the 7 11 shirt 4 11 there you go

Now what now what do you get out of the answer? What are you trying to cut? No answer the question What are you trying to accomplish? What do you try to accomplish how to answer me a question like that? That pisses me off What country are you from by the way? This isn't this is just scratch the surface of this conversation This guy talks like he's got fucking six foot one big dick energy. Yeah Yeah, I know he also Damn this guy is so emotionally Destroyed, you know like to be this angry

He's just fucking beat up man. I want to go outside. I'll go outside I Didn't tell you what's going on every every this is the second look I had a big account that I lost over bullshit. I have a clean copy. I'm really upset at that now I'm even in my car because I didn't get on my label What I love that this guy overshares always. Always has like, you go, what's going on? And he goes, okay, first of all, I lost a big account.

And you're like, oh. Yeah. Somebody's sending you, they're like, I'm gonna justify the horrible shit I'm about to tell you. It's like, it's like whenever your buddies got a venereal disease and they would, and that was the, you do any conversation, they'd hors you that in.

You know a lot of people have HBB, right? And you're like, huh? Wait, what? Where do you want to eat You know a lot of people have HBB, right? You're like, huh? Wait, what? Where do you want to eat again? You want your treating me like shit. So, okay, so I'm getting to that. My landlord treated me like shit now living on my car. I lost a big account. I'm getting to that.

Anyways, this fuck behind the counter. Yeah. When I worked a big account in Fomendale about two weeks ago, when I went to get a coffee, this guy goes how tall are you? Now, I come in here, and this guy asks me, what is your height? This guy, I can't even come in here and get a fucking coffee when I've been harassed.

Okay, I'm depressed enough as it is. I told you how tall I am, right? Now, what are you gaining out of that? I am fully recovered. You did say that, but I don't believe it. Two minutes later, you're talking. No, I'm not really sorry. I want to file a harassment charge. There's I'm not really sorry. I want a fire harassment charge

There's no such thing as that bullshit. Okay, so let me ask your question if I asked a girl a big a tits off Is that her estimate? No All right listen, I love I love this butch Bradley cop right here. No, dude. I love it's fucking two in the morning He actually said there's no such thing as a wrestler. He's all right, listen. I'm fucking sorry. He said sorry, I don't know what you want from him. I don't believe it's fucking sorry.

I want to file some kind of a report or something. Anything. Anything. We can think of a report. I don't care, anything, anything. Oh, this guy, I feel bad for him. I know me too, I'm saying like he's obviously been, it's kind of suck.

I would say beat up, but he's all the way down there, but he's been, I feel, I'm. Talked down to. I'll tell you what, I feel that bad for tall people too, because like, we had this guy in our high school who's six, seven, and he just was, he couldn't dunk. He couldn't dunk, he was shy, but everywhere he went, he was famous because people were like,

whoa, how tall are you? And he had social anxiety. Of course. And he ended up getting ulcers from it, from just being the way you are. We had a kid in our school who was six seven on the basketball team. And the first time I saw him,

I was like, I was a freshman in high school. He was a senior and of course It's like there's that spectacle where you're like you're fucking six seven Yeah, and then you see him playing basketball and he couldn't dunk and we were like, you know, you're a piece of shit You know god wasted all that height on you. Yeah, the fuck man. And he died. He uh he did freshman year of college He slipped on ice hit his head and died. I saw a woman at the stratosphere in Vegas when we were shooting birth conquer a woman. It started hailing out of nowhere like it just did I think it was just the height and it all the sudden the temperature

changed and she and she slipped on ice and cracked her head and was like And pop back up she worked there pop back up and was like and we're like are you okay? I mean you heard it. It was like dropping a bowling ball on cement We're like are you okay? She goes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine. She had a ponytail I think I handled my ponytail pulls her hand around and blood is just all over her hand and we're like I Literally just turned and walked away. I was like, I'm not the person charged of this. Do you remember I showed you the tree trimming accident? Yes.

Did you see the aftermath? No. I don't know if I wanna see the aftermath. It's by the way. The worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I just had to trim a tree days after that. Okay. It's the, I don't know if you can show him. Is the guy alive? Huh?

I don't think I've done it. Oh you did? Okay good good good good save it for another day. Wait is the guy alive? Yes. You you wouldn't want to be though. I didn't know. I thought it's so bad. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. Yeah. If you do Reddit, if you do, if you do, uh, man. Man, killed in tree trimming accident. This is, uh, by the way, we said it happened on my guard or the other day. You wish he died? Fucking, I'm so mad at this guy.

You know that big, uh, bird of paradise we had in our backyard that kind of hid the alley and fucking cut the noise in half. Yeah. He cut it down. And so I spent all day yesterday fucking building a fence so that you couldn't literally walk in from the alley into our backyard. You're still thinking about this? Yeah, so bad. It's so, so bad. I don't, female abortionist go down.

What's the abortion one? Female abortionist? Huh? A former abortionist and Huh? A former? A former abortionist and reditor gives every... a b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a Wait hold on You're a creature and you walked into the death first day of the job and you're an unabortioned clinic and you're like I said arborist Fuck I'll kill him anyway All right, I'm gonna try to pull this up. Don't pull it up. There's no reason to see it. Let's end on a good note

What's what's a positive thing we were just talking about Did someone remember anything positive? How do we want to see someone's face? You know what I was thinking a bit we could do because I was like I've been a lot of people been really hurt on those little scooters Those lime scooters. Yeah, I was like we should watch Videos of people getting really really hurt and just not stop laughing because I fucking hate those people I hate those those fucking hate those people. I hate those fucking lime scooters. Oh, have you done? Wait. I'm never ridden one. I never will ride one.

Oh, yeah. I've never let any of my kids ride one. I think I can get this for you now. I think I can pull it up. I think I found it. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck, you're not gonna like it This is the only reason I want you to see it

Okay Okay, here we go It's so terrible. It's so it's so terrible. I've seen this. I've seen that. I know just hold on Wait, oh, I've seen the video Oh, I've seen the video. Oh, fuck Tom! Tom, Tom! Tom! I know, I know, I know, but... I hated that I had that in my head, and I wanted... I don't want to see it again. I can't see it anymore. That's something I have to live with now.

I know, I know. But it's been in my head and I can't stop. I can just pull that back over and sew it, right? Like a baseball. Dude, I was like, it's in my nightmares now. He's 54. Oh. It's a good run.

Yeah. You were just going back to trim the tree. Like you weren't in war, and you just like, I'm gonna trim the tree real quick. I remember hearing a story about a guy who's tried cutting his nails on a glass table and fell through the glass table and it cut his femur artery. I think it's femoral artery, right? Yeah, femoral, femoral. Like a femoral, okay.

And he almost bled to death and he was naked and he was like, oh, he's just cutting my toenails. I was just cutting my toenails. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that.

I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that.

I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I could see you doing that. I paradise are black widow spiders. And so I had to cover myself totally so I didn't get bit by black widow spiders. And then I thought, I bet I'm focusing on black widow spiders.

What will kill me is something I don't see coming. And that is what keeps me up at night is covering all your bases in death. Like you go, I'm looking for sharks. What I'm not looking for is a rip time. Do you know what I always have this horrible, you know when you try to get a thought out of your head? Is that like, I can't do that. I fucking, I'm on, what's it called?

The, when you go skiing the lift, the lift ride? Yeah. That like I'm with my kids and someone's falling off the lift ride. And I'm like trying to grab them and then, then I see them fall so then I just jump and kill myself. Oh, I've already thought about that of something happened with the girls. And we were in a car. I thought it was yesterday. We were in a car accident and all the girls were in the car accident.

And I looked around and everyone's eyes were closed. I just be like, I'm out. I'm fucking out. Jesus Christ. This is why I drink is because of these thoughts. I can't stop thoughts from going into my head and I have horrible fucking thoughts. That is gonna be the phone call I get about you. I feel like though, that we like, hurt, die, like what? Yeah, a mountain lion killed him.

What? What was he doing? He was putting air in his tires. He'll be like, oh my God. I just don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't want death to be like that. You ever cut your finger, cutting onions,

and then as soon as you cut your finger bad, you go, oh, I want a time machine, so I can go back five seconds and go, don't cut onions, just fuck your bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't, that's the fuck. I wonder how many people in this world could say, yeah, you know what, don't go on that water slide.

Don't, like, just little things where they go, I didn't know Tara was right around the corner. That corner, my life would end for nothing. I was just going swimming in the ocean. But the thing is you can't do that, no one can do that. No one can turn it back, no one can say, I wish I hadn't, you just did. When I fell off that waterfall in...

How was your back, right dude? I mean I thought that instant I landed I thought I broke I'm immediately was like I broke my back I broke my back do you still broken blame Jews for that or is that like no? It's amazing it's amazing. I wish I'm gonna tell you something off here, but it's amazing, it's amazing. I wish I'm gonna tell you something off here, but it's amazing. Oh, no, but I remember the second I landed, I just wish I could go back five seconds and go, don't let go of the rope or don't fall. Don't reach for the GoPro.

Like that, just an accident. Oh, I don't wanna go out by, what would you rather do? Ready? Go out. You're going out at 55 years old. Do you want it to be an accident or something that you find out you got it 50 and you die at 55? Hmm.

You got it 50 and you die at 55. Hmm. I don't know, man. Maybe the accident. Yeah, I wouldn't mind having an accident at 55. I definitely don't want that shit to happen though. I'm never even gonna get near a tree. No, that is so fucking common. It's, you know what it is?

It's the, it's like, you just don't see the little thing. The little thing, you just, like, you put the rope on top of it and then you cut under it and you don't think it through. You're like, huh, what? I told you by the time I almost shot my hand off. No. So, Leanne, before I bought my guns, Leanneanne had a gun and I was not cool with her having a gun She had hollow points, but you okay? Do you ever?

Why should I have a hollow points think that that's what you buy to kill people? Do you worry at all or what was the process with the girls of like hey? Don't touch these you guys have to like say that? Yeah What was the process with the girls of like, hey, don't touch these? You guys have to like, say that? Yeah, George, I was like, I'm so let down that you'd even buy a gun. Also, she was like, oh, she's like, what's going on in a country with firearms? And you go out during all of this and buy a gun. And I was like, hey, why don't you go to your fucking room? So then, and then, and then, Ila was, I was like, you can never touch my gun.

And she goes, unless I have to, right? And I was like, no, she's like, what if like, robbers have you and mom tied up? Don't you want me to sneak around, get your gun and she goes, unless I have to, right? And I was like, no. She was like, what if like robbers have you and mom tied up? Don't you want me to sneak around, get your gun and kill them? And I'm like, no, fucking John Wick. I'm good. And she goes, well, okay, then I'm gonna need to touch it a little bit right now. I was like, what?

Yeah, I'm gonna end it there because I might put this on my act, but yeah, she was like, if I never touch your gun, if I never never touch it I'm gonna probably come and touch it But if you let me touch it and get it out of my system then I won't need to touch it I was like that I'm so fucking sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like here pull the trigger so No, but so Leanne this is a perfect example of what we're talking about so Leanne has like a little 45 like a Saturn and I special 38 whatever. Yeah, the little pistol gun, you know with the Like you're rushing with that gun right

So it's loaded to revolver to revolve yeah loaded with hollow points and I And I'm in my closet in the closet when before we were in the house and I get the gun And I'd been in an Omaha and I bought a lock for the gun where we were, we did the house. And I get the gun and I had been in an Omaha and I had bought a lock for the gun. So I put the lock on the gun, right? So the lock basically goes on the trigger so you can't pull the trigger.

So I put it on, I lock it, I'm holding the gun like this. And I go, I wonder if I can, I wonder if I can actually pull the trigger. And so I go to pull the trigger and I stop, I go, hold on one second. Let's think this through. And I realize the gun is pointing into my hand. And I have the lock in front of the trigger. I had put the lock on in front of the trigger. Had I pulled it, I would have shot my fucking hand off. And I was just, like, I was going to pull the trigger

and I went hold on. Before I do that, I should probably think this through. I was going to pull the trigger and I went hold on before I do that I should probably think this through I'm gonna close it like you didn't put the lock behind the lock in front of the trigger I locked it in front of the trigger and I had it pointed into my hand and I went to pull the trigger to see if I can pull it And I went well hold on let's think this through and I stopped and then I by the way I'm like oh my god It's in front. I wouldn't just shot my fucking hand off. It's still pointing into my hand. I'm like I Fucking put the gun down. I sat on the bed and I just started going, like I almost shot, I'm dying and like, I'm almost shot my fucking hand off.

And I was like, okay, and then I went and bought two guns. It's a problem with me. I was like, well, we need more of that. What'd you get? What'd you end up getting? Glock and a Mossburgers, Mossburgers,ers whatever. I don't know I fucking broke it. It's a shotgun I you broke it. I didn't break it, but there's a bullet stuck in it I don't know how to get it out and so I'm just like I don't fucking put it in the garage

I put a bullet in it. I thought I got the one that goes like this But I can get the one I got the one that just goes and so I'll put a bullet in it and Shell right shell. Yeah, yeah I got the one that just goes, and so I'll put a bullet in it and... A shell, right? A shell, yeah, shell. A shepherd's shell. And then I fucking, I don't know how to get it out. Okay, maybe take it back to the gun store.

Yeah. I wouldn't try to fix it on your own. No. Just take it out back at night, pointed at the ground, boom, yeah. Just walk inside to do it when you hear that. Ha, ha, ha, ha You hear your sirens immediately. Immediately.

Let's go to the gun store. I'll go to the gun store. Did the cops come to my front door? Did you hear fire? I can't hear you. What is it? Isla shot a gun the other day. Oh my God.

What? Tom. Do you want to see something? I've edited this. I'm not going to post it because it's, but you want to see this. This is going to Freak you the fuck out. So this is Ila

Okay So we go out we're in Alabama and we're like Ila's like we get you guns and I was like yeah She goes I want to shoot a gun and I was like okay, so we got a shotgun at 20 20 gauge. Uh-huh. This is Ila. Who's this guy? She just pointed the fucking gun at us. It's her cousin. OK. That's the here. This is her actually shooting it.

Yeah, yeah. That's her just pointing it at us. She swings it around here, hit play. This is her shooting gun. Okay, so she's eight, oh. I'm a snogger. She turned around right, like I'm good, I'm done. She's shot at once and she's like I'm good. I don't ever need to do that again

Georgia wouldn't shoot it. Sickler has video. He went to like clay pigeon shooting. Yeah, he's he's at the range And he's not he's never gone before and he got he ends up he shoots and then he puts and he said like He's like swinging it at like three guys. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Let's get a cool shot and he goes what is that go stand right there and he goes okay? So he's got his camera up my guns unloaded and I point the camera at the gun I go you better why we should go shoot ski they have this great ski shooting thing in We were Joe and I went and you just go and it's you walk the hills yeah, you got to a place you hit a button And you just hear ding and a thing takes off. I love it. It's fun. Yeah.

Did you hear what George at when we were at the campfire, and they were playing Smash Your Pass? What George has said about you? What was it? Oh, we were doing Smash Your Pass. My daughter's playing a game called Smash Your Pass. They don't realize that it means fuck or not fuck. What do they think it means?

Smash is like what they call it. You like it? Would you ship it? Is there terms? It's like the terms kids use. Ship do they think it means? Smash is like, would you ship it? Is there terms? It's like the terms kids use. Ship it? Ship it. Means. Like, Justin Bieber gets a new girlfriend.

Do you ship it? Oh, I ship it. If there's wins in the sale, I ship it. Means like, I'll let it, I believe they should be together. Okay. And so, I think I believe Smash means like, are they shipable? Would you ship it with that guy?

Jesus. And so, I said smash your pass. I said a bunch of names. I said a bunch of names I had to take down because I didn't post because there were just fucking brutal like comics Oh tell me as soon as we cut and I said Tom Segero smash your pass and George goes pass that would be like I'll be like hooking up with you. Oh yeah to go past, that would be like, it would be like hooking up with you. Oh yeah. Yeah. Ah.

Ah. Smash your past. Dude, we did, we created Smash your past. Kill it or drill it. Kill it or drill it. Kill it or drill it. That was the fucking to this day. We should bring back some of those games.

Hey, can we get a presidential candidate on here? Sure. I'm sure they would love this platform. Yeah. Would be at one with a good sense of humor, like Elizabeth Warren. You think she has a good sense of it? Oh, she'd be fucking. We gotta get someone who's definitely not

gonna get nominated, they'll do it. Yeah. There's gotta be a fucking outlier that we can champion. Yeah, guys, make that happen. I wanted, I wanted to do Buttgeeg, not Buttgeeg. I said his name so good in the fucking lobby. You did. Buttge, Buttge.

Yeah, something like that. Buttge. What do you think he's, you think he's, how far do you think he'll go? You already know my answer. Yeah. I don't know. I think he's, I don't think he's interesting enough.

You need a little razzle dazzle. Who's got the razzle dazzle for you? No one's got razzle dazzle. Who's got the razzle dazzle for you? No one's got razzle dazzle. That's why I say we find a candidate that we support and we help them razzle dazzle. Would you have a run for office? A hundred percent. Yeah.

I would be, I really wouldn't mind being, I would start off, I would like this. And so if our president's still candidate wins, I wanna be like an ambassador somewhere. That's my first I want to start off as an ambassador and then work my way up to a defense secretary because if you want to do a defense secretary you get big money from those fucking people that make bullets and stuff. Yeah big money. That's people that make bullets. You like that I'm I would take the angle of would you take the angle that Barack Obama took,

or would you take like, which is like the great, great, great, like be the good guy, or would you take the, like the dirt bag, drain the swamp guy? Like I wanna be a lobbyist, I wanna be, I wanna work at a fence industry, I wanna get, you know. Yeah, be that guy, I'll be that guy too. Yeah, of course. And then I would find my soul

Like in some African village with a kid no arm came up to me and I'd be like I did this My brother would be like come on Natali we can't be that that's sort of like Bert. You're a good guy. It's collateral damage Don't you didn't do this you like I fucking did do this I did this and then like come party with us snorting brown brown and some fucking shanty town fucking whores I gotta run away from this man. I try to imagine a world where you're the secretary of defense Guys sleep tight tonight burst on the job Sleep tight tonight, birds on the job. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Okay, I understand that I. It's that's a huge Field right now. There's like 20 of them. It's 20 independence. No, no, no I'm talking about of the Dems. There's so many like in that They had to break that up that first debate in a separate, you know, I mean to say they say Kamala Harris is who we want As well as what everyone's right here people say Kamala Harris is who we want by the way I want someone I want someone from the left that talks shit too. Does Kamala Harris do that? Yeah, she talks a lot of shit. I like it.

Yeah, no, if she is the nominee, the debates will be the highest viewed of, I mean, they'll be highly of you no matter what, but she will talk a lot of shit and he will too. And you know, she's black. Yeah. That's how much I know about this fucking presidential candidacy. You know that she pisses him off enough,

he'll be like, you black bastard. Like, you like, you dumb black bitch. And then people will be like, oh my god. Yes, he will. We were all thinking it. We were all thinking it. Am I right people? He will definitely, he'll definitely say something for sure.

I guarantee you, I guarantee, okay, what are some things that Donald Trump would say to Kamala Harris that would be the things that would like, no, no, no, no, no. Can I tell you something real quick? Yeah. You need to brush your teeth again. You already smell it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I just got a whiff, I swear, I swear. Can you imagine fucking me in smelling that? I swear can you imagine fucking me and smelling that? Hands like let's just do a doggy style Is that she likes what's that no we have is so You know I did last night as she was playing with my deck, but she just does it like she's rolling dice Like she doesn't like doing any fucking good So you're a come here and I just

What if I supposed to do with that I go now He's spitting her hair You find a place to wipe her hand after like you just here go. Dude, there's a girl in Australia. God, damn it, I wish I knew the name. You thought the girl in Australia. No. She made this thing called like a wood sock.

It's basically jackets for your dick. It's a joke. You put your dick in a hoodie. And so I put my dick inside a hoodie last night. It's, I almost sent you a picture of it. It is so fucking funny. And but I did that to Leanne before we started having sex. And Leanne laughed so fucking hard.

And then that was her, like, intro. Oh, that was like the... I was trying to get it into the thing. And it's too small. I couldn't get my dick. I was like having to cram it in. And she's like, what are you doing? What are you doing down there? Why are you-

Cause she didn't like sex toys at all. And it's like, you better not be putting some toy on or something. I go, no, trust me. You like it. She goes, no, I don't. I don't like it. I just want it to be me and you.

I don't want there to be something. I go, stop pissing in my own. I think you'll like it. She was like, no, I, God damn it. What is it? And then I finally got it. And I go, it was a little cold. I just thought my dick could use this.

And it's in a hoodie with the arms sticking out and the hood going over my dick's head. And she laughed so fucking hard. And I wish I could take a picture and send it to people, but I just had to- Was it Lamp or was it like ready to go? It's ready, it was kinda ready to go. It was a fluff, it wasn't 100%.

Yeah. But I had to like literally- Oh, are you gonna try dick pills? No No, I'm terrified of them because cuz of strokes. No strokes are one thing. Yeah, strokes are definitely one thing Josh said they're amazing. He did it this weekend Wait, which one did he do Viagra? No, I did like cheap stuff. They say there was just an article yesterday It's called bigger dick. I think that's what it's called, a big dick. And you take the pill and it fucking works.

They go, it works so good, you need to stop because it's not, they're like, it's, is that it? There was something that says, Excel, Bigger. It was just in the hit news, hit news. It was just an article on it yesterday. It's probably, you probably have to change what you wrote. Bigger dick pills.

Is a ninth grader looking for this? But there was a guy one time. A reptile pills or something, you know. There was just, it was just in the news yesterday. There it is, big penis. That's the name of it. It's called big penis. Works too well. Why is it work?

What does it say? I have no idea. I stopped reading halfway. And because I heard a story of a guy who took Vagro in time and they say, you know, if your erection doesn't go away, read it. Tell us what it says.

Yeah. If your erection doesn't go away after two hours, please consult a patient. So like two hours goes by, he goes, I'm sure it's just fine. Go to sleep, wakes up, his dick's still fucking hard, and he's like, okay, hold on, maybe I'll call the doctor.

The doctor's like, you should've called us at two hours. We're now, you need to come in immediately. So they bring him in immediately. They give him something to counteract the pill, doesn't fucking work. Now they're like, all right, fuck that. You're ruining the blood vessels in your dick. They slice his dick open like a hot dog that's been on the grill too long. It splits open and they have to drain the blood that way and sew it up that way.

And that was what he got from taking a fire. Now listen, I'm not saying you shouldn't take fire. I'm just saying. Who is that? Who is it? Who said that? Who's that happened to? I don't know. I just read it somewhere. FDA laboratory analysis confirmed that big penis contains silt silt and not fill the active ingredient in biagra. This undeclared ingredient may interact with nitrates found in some and may lower blood pressure people with that. Okay, so it's basically that it's supposed to be an over-the-counter pill that actually has the active ingredient in vagra, is that right? Yeah.

It's supposed to be all natural. Okay, so you should be getting a prescription for this and they're just selling it over the counter, right? Yeah. That's cool. Josh, you gotta try to get that shit, man. Yeah. Wait, does vagra make your dick bigger than it already is?

No, I think it's just immediate hard. You've never used it? Never used it. But he said it's like, like, he doesn't have a problem, but he took it and he's like, it's like you're a fucking diamond cutter, you know, like it's just straight up. I don't understand, but that would be better to be more hard. What do you mean? Like, I'm already pretty hard.

Let's say you're harder. It's like being more pregnant. I don't know. What if she likes it? I'd say half an inch. That's a totally different story. At start with that. It gets more hard.

My tires are inflated. No, I can put more air in them. I don't notice the difference. Yeah, but You know makes your car taller Well, you got to try this now, right? No, I'll never try no dick pills No, I as a matter of fact I want to go on the hair pills so that I can would you ever do the injection? Were they inject your dick? No, you could try it. No, I don't need to. What are you gonna do with hairpills?

I want the hairpills to fill my hair in. Why don't you do the one where they stab your head? I've thought about that. You know who did that? Guess I probably can't say it online. Yeah, I know a couple well-known people that have done it. Really? Yes.

Okay, we should end this podcast so that I can find out who it is because I heard that plasma injections. I heard they work. Let me see the back. Yeah. It's okay. It feels nice.

It's fine. You kind of have a nice haircut though. Yeah, it's just getting cut. Yeah, I just got to cut. Who cuts it? This guy, Romi, Romi Cortier. Do you cut your own hair? Yeah, no.

What do you think my beard though right now? My beard looks good. You did that too? Yeah, this is me. I grew it out, it was getting really long, and then I just trimmed up the sides to like a 10, really long. I've been having a hard time. I think the longer it grows, the more less gray it looks.

Hmm, I'm definitely need a trim it to not look gray. Lot of gray beard's been there with this many gray beard when we were kids. I know it's gray. It was more beard, so everyone has beard sound. We're not gonna end up doing silver October is what I'm picking up on, right? Why?

Because I don't feel like anyone's gonna really do anything. Okay. I mean, it doesn't seem like, like we all talked about it. Everybody's like, no, I don't wanna do this. I don't wanna do that. So it's like, okay.

Okay. Throw me in the prior patch. Okay. But I still think at some point, doesn't have to be October, we should have a dance off. Wait, yeah, we should definitely have a dance off. Wait, hold on, I haven't heard anything that Joe doesn't want to do it. No, no, no, I'm not saying that. I'm saying that like, everybody pitched the idea as nobody was like, that's the way

I'd be able to do running. No one agreed to that. By Joe's end to it, I'm going to do it. I've been running 5K a fucking day to get ready for running. What are you talking about? I've been running 5K a day since, since Bali. My first day in Bali, I said I'm gonna run a 5K because it was the things were switched over to kilometers. So it's like I'm gonna run a 5K a day. Well, are you talking about, are you referring to like our last conversation on the podcast that we did? Like on his? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, we didn't all sign off on that. Yeah, we will though. Okay. Yeah, we got to do something physical. I'm sure. I'm in the fucking weightlifting. I mean, I want the thing I like about sober October is it kind of saves me. Like gives me that one month to go like, all right.

Like I don't need to fucking party, I can get healthy. What would the challenge be if we do weightlifting? I don't know, but I wouldn't mind fucking doing a cycle of roads. I wouldn't mind doing that, getting fucking some bone mass, fucking vioked out. Shirts don't fit anymore for different reasons. Dude, people are like, whoa man, you look fucking big. We're shooting specials in November. We should definitely look good.

We should definitely do so rocked over. We'll do running and fitness. Let's do an all-round fucking, let's do an all-emcompassing, let's do a list of things we have to accomplish, you know? No, I see. Like, within the month, all you gotta do Let's do a list of things we have to accomplish, you know? No, I see. Like within the month, all you gotta do is you gotta hit everything within the month.

So like for an example, you're like, hey, this month I wanna run 80 miles, like that's what you're saying? Like you say, you're right. You gotta say 80 miles within the month. You gotta do 3000 pushups. You gotta do like all these things that if you did them all, you would be in fantastic shape.

And so, and so that would be, and that's the challenge. And so like, that's not a bad one. I mean, I don't know. Yeah, I don't think you should try to do 3000 push ups. I do, I did, I was doing 100 push ups a dayups. I do, I was doing 100 push-ups a day. No, no, it was doing 100 push-ups a day in Australia. And at my bot, I don't think my body was like,

yeah, you're fucking, this is the first day I did it. My tit, I feel like I ripped my tit. I banged out, I banged out 50 super good. I was like nice. And then I fucking was down on my knees for the last 20. Okay, we look at that. We just look at it in my schedule. What do you got for the rest of the day?

I'm actually going to work out from here, and then I gotta come back here, yeah. You're doing another podcast? Yeah. Drew. Oh, really? Yeah. Drew's in great shape.

He's in great shape. Yeah, he could say, Dad, he could definitely get us some rods. Yeah. He's got a big piece on him, too. Yeah, he could say deadly. He could definitely get us some rods. Yeah. He's got a big piece on him too. I bet he fucking does. That's called white privilege. Yeah.

God, white guys with big dicks. And now, that's what I'm hoping. I'm going to hope get him to talk about it today. Wait, are you doing the podcast? Are you doing your mom's house? Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. And then what's rest of your day? I'm going to Queen tonight and then I go to La Jolla this weekend. Are you working there?

No, with a family. Taking our fourth vacation of the summer. That's great, man. We have had such a fun time. My, we get along. Like, my family gets along so fucking well right now. In Georgia's 15, Ilus 13, I know it's going to shit next year. Because it'll be like, they won't want to be with us.

But we have had so much fucking fun. Ila and I speak French to each other, but just in accents, because it makes Leanne and Georgia mad. That's fun. Yeah, Ila, we win this year. And Le Pracon. And Leanne and Georgia, it dude, it's been fun. So we're taking our last four vacation, four

vacation, Bali, Australia, Alabama, LaHoya, and within six weeks. And then we're done. The girls go back to school. I start the tour by shop to work to work to get to burper burper.com. I actually am thinking about stop promoting my dates. What? Less is more so time. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, yeah, yeah. But, yeah.

We both have a fucking million dates coming up, so. I know. All right, so are we still going once a month on this, or twice a month on this? I think, I mean, last episode you said every week. What's going on every week? As long as we can make it though. I can do this.

No, it's not about that. It's not all August. Okay. Are you going to my August? No. We'll bang a couple out. Okay. This I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. This first four minutes of this episode. Yeah. Has me. I will, I would do this every fucking day. No, this was a lot of fun. The first four minutes were the funniest fucking four minutes I've ever heard in podcasting. this was a lot of fun. The first four minutes were the funniest fucking four minutes I've ever heard in podcasting. It's a lot of fun.

I would love to do it. But to answer your question now that I think I've gone three weeks in August. Okay, that does make it difficult. Yeah, that's the only part. It's really just about like we have to make an effort to do it. That's all.

All right. I gotta, by the way, I'm riding a bike from Philly to Atlantic City on, yeah, I right. I got to, by the way, I'm riding a bike from Philly to Atlantic City on, yeah. I know. Why? Because I, because of my fucking bro logic. I got some guy, this guy from the press and the Steve show KC was like.

Yeah, how far is that? Yeah, it was like, it's like 70, 80 miles. What? It was like, how far is it from Atlantic City to Philly? But wait, wait a minute. You're doing this alone? No, I'm doing it with a group of people. Everyone's riding bikes from Atlantic City to Philly. But wait, wait a minute. You're doing this alone? No, I'm doing it with a group of people. Everyone's riding bikes from Atlantic City to Philly.

Okay. And they're like, and he's like, hey, do you want to do this with me? And on our teams, we raised money for cops, you know? So I was like, yeah, I love that kind of shit. Big tent pole activity. Yeah. Challenge myself physically.

And in my brain, I go how far is it? How many miles? What is it? 62 miles, I go easy peasy, right? 62 miles, all downhill. Isn't it all like fucking highways? No, all downhill. It's all down in my brain.

I go it's all downhill. Because you're going to Atlantic City, that's sea level, right? And then Philly's gonna be like, what, a thousand feet? So it's just basically all downhill. Type in the elevation of filled up, yeah. My whole premise of this was that it was, I would barely have to pedal, because I'm going to, it's 39 fucking feet above sea level.

It's 39 feet above sea level. So I am, I was like, it's gotta be like a thousand feet above sea level, right? Right. And you'll just coast down. I'm just gonna do that. Like you're in a fucking Italian village going down. I was like, hair blown in the air, feet off the pedals, just, huh. Hot tail.

What are you doing this? Uh, next weekend. Next weekend, I'm doing it doing it like I I'm fucking yeah We're going to the Borgata that night and then throwing a party at the Borgata Course you are. Yeah, fuck yes if I can accomplish this 62 miles can't be that hard Is the Borgata after Philly for this? I've ever ridden my bike for the record is 14 miles in the In the triathlon and by the way, I bought this bike $2,000 bike, rodent twice.

Redknit. Redknit twice. I'm gonna ship it to Atlantic City for the third time I'll ever ridden it. And then you do filly, you do shows, and then you ride. I do wanna show a filly at the Met, and then,

Drive to, and then wake up at 7am after that show and ride my bike to Atlantic City, which I'm sure I'll get there by 8 o'clock in the morning. If you're going to do bro logic, what is it all downhill? It'll be about an 62 miles per hour or something else. I'll be at the other 8 o'clock. All right. We will try to do this more often even. Yes. And go to burperaburts.com.

often even. Yes. And go to burperburts.com. Go to TomSugora.com for take a down tour. Listen to the broadcast your mom's house. Watch other shows that are produced here. Dr. Drew after dark. The honeydew. Christina started another podcast where my mom's at. It's on her YouTube channel. So right. By the way, my wife was on the first episode. She's on the first episode. That is a she your wife had me laughing so hard when she said You've never taken a milwaki steamer. Is that what's going on? Milk shake milk shake or your breastfeed and take a shit at the same time. Yeah, I couldn't stop fucking lat That was a great episode. Yeah, it's great And by the way, I got to give a shout out to Josh Potter for the your mom's house original the fucking 45 minute interview with amazing with a Robert Paul champagne

Oh, that guy's fucking more of that please. Yeah, if you Haven't seen that Google the try it out guy and then go to our YouTube channel and watch home here now with Josh Potter Josh. It was such a great job. Josh did the interview was so good and by the way He's got tickets on sale. He's doing Tacoma Portland in Seattle in September I think it's a fifth six and eighth something like that right at J under school