2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 05 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

It's the dance video that has swept the nation and warmed the hearts of everyone. Everyone except one of the two bears. Tom Segura confronts Bert Kreischer about what he REALLY thought about his dance video and his plans for a rebuttal. Is a "Dance-Off" going down in the cave in the future?? Plus, there was an overwhelming amount of theme song submissions, the Bears listen to a few and decide on what the winner will be. A special bet is in play, Dave Chappelle's special is discussed and a very special animation submission are all inside the cave this week!

You don't want people in Hong Kong to keep democracy alive. So, welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Came. Do you realize I was in the car thinking of the one I do to you and I get, but you caught me so fucking off guard, you're like, you, and I was like, are we starting? Yeah, no, I mean, if you want China to just demolish those people it's fine, but here's a thing then You know you know for a fact. I actually do not know what's going on Oh god, you know, it's almost I feel okay, so I gotta tell you man. I feel a little guilty. So I you know you put out this dance video and it went viral.

Yeah. And, you know, I said some really nasty, ugly, horrible, reprehensible, just vitriolic type of things about you. Chelsea brings out the worst in all of us. Yeah, I wanted to actually take a moment to tell you that I don't feel badly at all about anything I said. No, you have a great new dance video.

You know what I was thinking though, by the way, but I was upset that the only thing that I was like, what the fuck did, if you would have told me that you were setting it up, we could have released them at the same time. Oh yeah, but I think I think I, well first of all, I, I, when I, when I pitched it to, uh, so October crew and everyone shot it down, I was like, I didn't shoot it down. I know, but I know, but I, I know, but I was like, I'll just do it by myself. And then I was like, it was easier for me to control doing it by myself. And I had added a bunch of shows on the Body Shots World Tour

go to burperperper.com. And, um, and by the way, while you're at burperperper.com, get yourself a Mickey Mantle gene t-shirt, limited edition, limited edition. I am only, if you sign up for one and buy one, you will get one. I am not putting them out to release. What, um, do you have to talk to like his estate to like license something like that?

You know they've been pretty cool. They've been pretty cool so far. The uh, I haven't really checked into that. I might as well. Like Mickey different. You know it's a notable figure right? figure right? Hey guys I'm selling air Jordan shit at TomSagura.com if you want to give it a shot. Oh I just not even think about that at all. Check this is eber go to Berberber.com and see if you can get one we may not be selling these. I should run this by my lawyer huh? This comes out Monday and Tuesday you're getting a letter. I promise you. Dear Mr. Kreiser, I am the lowest mantle.

This is called, hey, season to season. It's like when we made that, do you remember we tried to make that perp reddled? How does that not occur to you? I didn't even think about it. I made these by myself. I made them, I was on a custom ink and I was like messing around with the thing and I made one and I was like, I was like, I made a body shot thing and I was like, fine, I'm done. I'm done trying to sell shirts for that. I already have shirts on the road and I was like, well, I'll do a Mickey Mantle gene and I did this. You're only a big thing. You think I can just put like I just saw it, it says Wayne Gratsky.

I mean, I can be like like I can saw it says Wayne gratski That's cool sir, man Wayne involved now I just put his name on shirts and I sell them I see it see who is alive in Mickey Manel's lot family just Google Mickey Manel descendants Come on, come on, Mick There's definitely an estate. Oh, there's a bunch of some oh, yeah, David Danny Billy Mickey, oh my god, there's fucking a Mickey, mantle junior of course. I am fuck. They're not even old. No

No, dude. Oh my god. This is by the way. This is the dumbest thing I've ever fucking done in my life It's up there and it's that saying something and it's the most burnt thing that you could do. You didn't even like, I thought you were gonna change the spelling or something? You're talking about the third most famous baseball player of all time. Hahaha. His son's 47?

Yeah. His son's my age. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, he's dead. Mickey Jr.'s dead. You're good there. Oh, good.

Ha ha ha. He died of liver cancer. Are you serious? Yeah, that's what it says. Oh no, no, the father died of it, but it says that the son died. Mickey Mantle died of liver cancer. And Billy Mantle's dead too.

This is a right. Right. Wait, come on David come on David The uh no He's alive 63 okay. He's definitely on top of shit He's he has memorabilious like fucking books about he's hitting you up on He's got memorabilia. Yeah, huh? It was good you guys there's a limited edition. There's I mean one I have one shirt

Go to customink.com and you can make your own Mickey Man shirt This is too fucking great. Oh fuck see that's that's why if I I think that's why I didn't pass this course Of course, you don't know what's going on in Hong Kong Man, yeah, I really didn't think that through. Yeah, that's great. See if Babe Ruth's got me living relatively. Babe Ruth, you Babe Ruth descendants, yeah. And let's see, because maybe I'll change it to the Babe Ruth gene.

Dolores. She's dead. 89 nice. Juanita. Yeah, but you also have to think about their estate. They have like, do you think anyone care, oh yeah, I guess they probably, yeah, yeah, yeah, cause it makes money.

Yeah, but you know credit card, credit card cards, baseball trading cards don't make money the way they used to. But they're, you know, they're taking, they're making a comeback. No. Yeah, they are. They're on the upswing right now.

Just two stone has a documentary, how they're just worthless. But they're, there, there's like a nostalgia thing that's starting to boom right now. I think that's the, I think that's Antifa trying to get Trump unelected. Okay. So,

let's go back to the dance thing. Dance video. Yeah, let's talk about my successes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's very ambitious. We talked about sober October being a hip hop dance off. And what happened was we sat around people, I mean, I remember saying, if we could look it up,

but I remember being like, I'm down, I'll do it. Do you realize how now do you realize how huge that would have been if we had done that? If we had done hip hop dance. Yeah, I mean, that would have been, I mean, not even, like, people joke, whenever you have anything that goes kind of, kind of follow, that you get a couple tweets that are like, oh, you just broke the internet, we would have been, I mean, not even, like, people joke. Whenever you have anything that goes kind of, kind of, file that you get a couple of tweets that are like,

oh, you just broke the internet. We would have broken the internet if we had done hip-hop. Did you think, let me point this out. So you made this video where I think anyone was going to see it. Did you, yeah, did you think it would be like a thousand? What I thought it would get 120,000 views on Instagram. I actually said to Liam, when I posted it, I went, I look at it, because you can track, I can track it.

An Instagram post and go, within, it should track by the thousands per minute up to 10,000, up to 10 minutes. But if it leaps at 10 minutes past 10,000, then you're doing, then I'm tracking well. And I posted it and it was like four minutes in and I had 3,000 views and I was like, I was like, you know what? But all I wanted to do is post a video to sell some tickets for the Body Shots World Tour

If you go to burperburts.com, you need tickets. Your tour is a huge success. I know, but I added a bunch of shows and I wanted to, and I got panicked because the tour starts in like a week and I was like, I want to make sure that like I had a second show in LA. I was like, I want to do it. Isn't it kind of funny though? Kind of funny? That a video of you dancing like that makes somebody go, I'd like to see this guy talk for a while. Yeah, I'm shocked. I'm so shocked at so many of the responses.

The first text I got was Delia. Like I posted it. Three minutes later, Delia texted me. He was like, oh my fucking god. And I'm like, did I talk shit about him on a podcast? And then I was like, and he was like, that video kills me and then Joe Koytex said, and then the text started coming in and I was like, oh, it was like, maybe this will be good.

And then people started going, like, Bert, you have moves. And I was like, that's what started to piss me off. That's what I was like, I was like, yeah. And they're like, and people would be like, now I know why, like I think even Ari was like, now I know why you wanted to do this. You were a ringer.

And I was like, pull up Aari's tweet. He retreated it. I think it's something about his dick getting hard. But. Oh yeah, yeah. And, uh, Is he not shadow band? He is shadow band.

By the way, he didn't come up on anything. What does it say? No wonder Berk Khrysher wants to do the jazz. He's already amazing at it. That's Aari. That's the most cynical fucking human being in the world. Yeah, I'm so fucking hard right now Thank you to everyone who retweeted it because that was how many retweets did the video get it got a lot of retweets Oh my god, dude. Oh my god

23,000 retweets and a hundred thousand likes. Yeah, it's and it million views right now. About, yeah, about four million views. It's, um, but that could check Delaney Glazer. Remember I talked about our show podcast. She's just awesome. Cause she just was like, like, just went in. All right. So by the way, I was like, I was like, yesterday we were watching it a few times.

And I was like, like, yeah, this, this is actually like, that's, that's not bad, right? Yeah. But, um, hold on. Yeah. I mean, I'm okay with this. That's, come, that's some bullshit right there. And then, what's that, that, that, that things,

what's that? What's that? What, what's that? What is that? I knew these pants were coming off. You knew it? Of course. I knew you were taunting us.

The best is, when people, like, have sent me videos of their kids watching it Yeah, and they're like in the part where the pants come off kids lose their mind because kids are the only people that didn't know the pants were coming off Kids are like shut the fuck up and so And so my but cow head sent me a picture of video of his kids watching it and when the pants went off They lost their mind. I was like, oh yeah. But yeah, I'm shocked that it did this well. I didn't expect it to do this well at all. It's the biggest video I've ever put on on Instagram.

And it's the biggest video I've ever put on Twitter. Yeah, that's crazy, man. I remember too, when you did the machine special, and you were like, I don't remember if you expected it either. You're like, oh, you know that machine story went viral. I was like, really? And you're like, you know, it has like 80 million people. Like, wait, what?

When we did the fat challenge thing, and we were going in Rogan three days in a row, I remember saying to you, it's got like three million views, four million views. And the next day I was like, seven million views. And then I was like, do this a 20 million and it just that Viral shit is insane yeah and that makes no sense to me because I I was shocked anyone I was like I told that story me so many times I'm shocked anyone watched it let alone sat through

13 minutes to watch it long thing to watch yeah, and I'm shocked anyone fucking watch that people are like go this This is exactly what I needed today. I was like, Well, I'll tell you this, cause I should probably just say it now, cause I got a lot of shit for talking shit about your video. Oh, immediately, everyone's like,

is Tom doing a challenge? Is Tom coming back at it? Is Tom doing it shirtless? And I was like, I don't know, we gotta run that by Tom. So, just to put it out there, I, I meet with a choreographer on Saturday. And, yeah, I'm, you know, the plan is that I'm trying to do it in a timely, you know, I mean, it did timely. I had two lessons. Yeah, and then I did it. Okay.

Did you see the, I don't, I don't practice I montage video? I saw a clip of you practicing. Kevin, yeah. Kevin Bacon. The best is fucking sickler put together a remix. What do you put on there? I don't know what you put on.

I can fight. Uka-chaka, uka-kaka, uka- uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka,ka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka,ka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka,ka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka,ka, uka,ka, uka, uka,ka, uka,ka, uka, uka, uka, uka,ka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka,ka, uka,ka, uka,ka, uka, uka, uka,ka,ka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka, uka by the way if you have a remix of a good song with this training and you know that's the one that you don't think that someone out there's like oh this is gonna be perfect someone's like but the best one I've seen so far is the SVU theme song dun dun dun dun dun dun dun what's it called? that's a lot of an order

yeah long order that's it all right man well that's great and I hope that... I can't wait for your video. What's our timeline on this so people can expect it. Well, you can get it done in a week. I did it in a week. Okay, just let me... How serious are you taking these dance lessons?

Let me just like fly out. These are all in a row out of towns. That's what I'm saying. What's the thing about Sandeles? 20th and 21st. Of what month? Of September, this, you know. Me too, I'm playing like a week, two weeks before you.

What about where you at? The Orphium. Oh. Where are you? The Ace Hotel. It's a little small. Mm-hmm, whatever. Mine has hotel next to it not the or fium

Are you doing two nights two shows? Yeah, that's the same thing man. No the um what uh You you need to get this put out because I am so excited to see you dance Do you have any idea what song you're thinking no? No? No, no idea wardrobe none Okay, can I give you some hints sure a ponytail would be really cool Like if you had a ponytail, ponytail, ponytail, what's cell dance videos? When you watch girls flip around their ponytail.

Yeah. That's a good idea. I mean, it's bad. If I had a hat with like a built-in ponytail. If you came in DJ Dadmouth and then lost the outfit, and you had something sleek but bouncy. Yeah. I mean wardrobe really sells it.

No, you're right, you're right, that's a good idea. You thinking shirtless with a shirt? Yeah, most of my should I do shirtless? Like I do my specials and my spots and my video shirtless. Dude, I can't wait to see this. You know that that will be like Christmas morning for me. The morning I realized where I get to take my texts is blown up and then like, have you seen Tom's video? No, no. I might wait for it. I might not watch it. You ever done that with the, I realized where I get to take my texts is blown up Then I like have you seen Tom's video. I might wait for it

I might not watch it you ever done that with the I used to do that with the UFC I'd buy the fight at night and we go out party and then the next morning with the whole party at like eight in the morning Everyone come over and we watch the UFC at eight in the morning No one in the world has ever done this. Oh, it is so much fucking fun Because you got to stay away from all electronics away from everything because you don't want to ruin it And you know that so you know that the answers are already out there, because you gotta stay away from all electronics away from everything, because you don't wanna ruin it. And you know that the answer's already out there, but you're watching it,

I may hold off on how long I don't watch that and watch it live with you. Watch it like here. I would actually love if you could do that. If you would. I will not watch it so that I can watch it live here. That would be fun. Yeah, I'm trying to make it special. I'll just tell you that.

Wait, house special. Just just some little juice in it. Can you anyone please send ideas you? The bigger this is the happier it makes me. Yeah. No, I look. You know, this is what life's about. Life is about fucking around. It's not about taking anything serious. People, there's some comics that you can see roll their eyes at it. Come on man. You know I'm sure Chris Rock was like, why would he do that? I'm not saying that Chris Rock said that, but certain guys that are serious guys will be

like, why don't you just tell jokes man? You're like, I'm a fucking comedian. I can get half naked in front of him dance. And it darts my fucking job. Yeah, it's fun for you. Dude, I fucking love fucking around like this. This makes my life. So yeah, no, I'm with you.

It's, it's, I'm, I want to know everything. Where were you when you saw it? And were you with push? Where was that when I, when I saw it? I remember she goes, uh, fuck. I'm trying to think the first time, when did I see it? Well, here's the thing, I actually get irritated that I didn't get fully surprised because I had the tip off.

It would have been great if I had just been like, the fuck is this? Yeah. But since I knew something was coming. I told those guys about it and I was like, no, they were cool, but Jay, Jay in comp, he did it super casual. He wasn't trying to, he was like, yeah,

why don't you guys do in that thing? I go, I don't, not everybody wanted to do it. He's like, Jay Oakerson, he was like, he's like, yeah, because I mean, Bert Showbeer, like a little bit of his routine he's working on, I was like, wait, what? I would have loved, I would have loved to be there to watch Jago.

Oh. No, I didn't let him be there to watch Jago. Aw. No, I didn't let him know. I was like, oh really? He's like, yeah, you know, because he was showing me that thing he's working on and then he kind of pulled it away. And I was like, yeah, the dance he's working on right now. And he's like, yeah.

Oh, shut up. I would have loved to be in the, just to watch that. And you were like, oh, interesting. Yeah, I was, I was curious to see, because I, because I looked at, you know, I look at the likes and it was Christina liked it before you did and I was like wait Did she see it and go hey Tom I need you to see something? I'm trying to because when did you put it out? I put it out. I don't know

Like in the morning like couple days couple days ago. Yeah, so I was on vacation So I think it was when you were in Florida. Yeah, it must have been the day my vacation got ruined so that would have been It's been the day my vacation got ruined, so that would have been... Oh my god. There's... She was like, you have been, because all day I was like, I can dance better. I was like, I'm a better dancer. Oh, shut up. Yeah, she's like, she goes, are you gonna stop talking about how you're a better dancer?

And I was like, no, I'm going to fucking make it. Then I started calling. I called a friend of mine who directs music, like, big music videos. And... Oh my god. I sent it. And... Oh my god. I sent it to him. Oh my god. I sent it to him and I was like, hey man, only thing I got to tell you is to watch this

and know that we're gonna die a rea all over this. Oh my god, I am... I just realized what I might have unleashed. Yeah. Because I know the way you work And I know you wear your brains like I'm throwing money at this problem 30,000 dollars sure Burnt paid 12 all paid 30 at

$1200 that video cost me $1200 to shoot $1200 I might as a guy with a steady cam and a fucking one of those Chinese light bulbs. No, I will tell you this I'm not good. I won't do something. I'm not gonna be like 250 grand sounds good But I'm looking for like a missy Elliott like the fucking big The inflatable outfit I'm not great. I'm not gonna do that, but I might So all right now here's a couple other things we've been putting it out there I'm not gonna do that, but I might. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! for us to weigh in on what they have put out there. Let's see here is this. Yeah. So, do you know the names of people who submitted as we listen to them? Yes, I do. Oh, great, great. So, why don't you go ahead and just start us off.

Yeah, we're going to start off first with some honorable mentions that can't really be used. Oh. Kind of like the thick, he mantled Jean shirt. Yeah. Do you have it? I can't believe I didn't think that through. Wait, why can't these be used though?

They're just really heavy on the, on the BERT is racist stuff. So I think I, you know, keep it a little more neutral for the theme. Yeah, right. And then you add in my comments, everybody. It's so funny when you, you post a viral video and then the comments are like,

yeah, but he's a driving racist. Someone's like, actually, I don't see any racism in this video. Ha, ha, ha. And they're like, it's just a fun guy who's dancing. They're like, who's in the clan? Yeah, and people are like, and then you watch people fight online. And you're like, oh my god. Yeah, that's good. Alright, so this is a, yeah, an honorable mention. Yeah, this is an honorable mention from Zach from Australia. Okay. Let's hear it. Bird Chrysher is a Nazi scum at best and if you let him fall a stage he'll divide your audience.

Just a good thing. That's it. That's all the fucking song he had. Welcome to Two Bears 1K. My name is Tom Sigerr, I am not Bird Chrysher. And then he had two submissions. Oh, can we do this one? Yeah.

Let's hear it. Third crescer is a motherfuckin' megamitch That's way fatter than toxicura is. Are any of these submissions gonna be fans of mine? I mean, they're fans of the show. Yeah. Oh, thanks, Zach. Zach?

Hey, Zach, don't hold your breath. Tom's not coming on, Australia. Anytime fucking soon. Uh, thank you for the submission. I appreciate it. It's easier work. Right. How about this one?

Yeah, here's our another honorable submission from Greg. This is an honorable. Honorable. Honorable from Greg. Okay. Let's hear Greg's. If you were a fan of mine, you have to have what?

Fucking swastikas! Will you stop saying the end word? And you cannot say that? I was saying it everywhere. I'm Hitler! Oh my god. How do you feel about reparations? Come and get the hoes! There's gonna be blood! What? Oh my god. There's swastikas everywhere. Oh, there's gonna be blood! Blood!

Oh my god, there's swastikas everywhere! I feel like I feel homeless, like I'm most... I've got one on my back! There's gonna be blood! Can you stop saying the end word? There's swastikas everywhere! How's that feel? I'm Hitler! There's gonna be blood!

I'm Hitler! There's gonna be blood! I'm Hitler! blood I'm Hitler I'm gonna be blood I'm Hitler I Like it. It's super catchy. That's pretty funny. It's pretty good Thanks Greg that's super catchy. Thanks a lot Greg. That was really good Here's our last honorable mention from KL doubleshade. Okay. Good, it's fat. Also racist.

I'm Australian. Supers 1 Cave. Tom is there. He's on the left. He's also there. Two bears one cave. It's two bears one cave. Two bears one cave. It's two bears one cave.

It's two bears one cave. Two pairs one cave. Two pairs one cave. Two pairs one cave. Okay, I kind of like it. It's got to find it. Tom is also there. I'm Australian. Yeah, I kind of like it. I like to eat through himself and I'm Australian. I love it.

I think it was funny. Bird is racist. Okay, is this a real submission now? Bird is right. Yeah, so now we have. Tom is there on the left. So now we have a real submission now bird is right. Yeah, so now we have There on the left So now we have real submissions. We have six submissions. Okay. Um, are we gonna pick one today? I think we should I think we should do I'm really I'm really excited about these

All right, so this first one is by Craig and Cali. Ooh guy and girl. Start, start, start, start, start, start the show. Start the show. This, this, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is.

This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is.

This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, it is. This, this, this, this, this, it is. This, this, the pedal to the metal and go to the middle. There's a perfect way to start off. They shut. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I'm gonna put it from everyone. It's gonna happen, maybe I hate it.

It's 100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I like that. I like that. I like the laughter in the background to tag it out. It's good I was a really good one. I'm a fan. What who is that? That is Craig and Kelly. Okay, right? Right that down as you know, this is a serious consideration. Yeah, I mean from like if you had to give it five stars out of five stars How many stars are I mean it's just it's clean. It's to the point. You know, it's it has a nice beat the nice rhythm to it Has little samples from us both. I mean, I'm going like 4.5 stars. 4.5 stars, too. Yeah. Alright, 4.5 stars. This next one is by Tyler.

Okay. I gotta tell you this is normally not the lane that I lean into at all, but I really like what he did. I love what he did. Yeah. I feel like I could play that by myself at home on my guitar. Yeah. Two bears and one cave. And you could really add lib.

And then we could start every show with some of his acoustics and we can sing our topics I also like that he did a Like a like it's like a you know when the scene switches on a sitcom There's that little stinger or whatever it's called a little trick. It's like that. It's like the show is started He gives you like three chords. I like it. I like it too. All right, so do you guys like this one better or worse than the first one? God difficult. I'm tied right now between the two. Okay, we'll put them both at four and a half stars.

Okay. This next one is by Julian. Two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came, two pairs one came or like two complicated or two simple. Two simple. That was a little simple for me. It was a little, it was a little, yeah. So I would say, yeah, it's like, and it kind of just kind of lulled you into this show. Like you'd be like, yeah, it's not, it's not poorly done. I would just say that it's a half star less

than the other one. Yeah, I like it, but I like it, but it's just like, it's, you know what, it's good. That's a good bumper. Exactly. Yeah, we should keep that. Keep that for like, after you know what it's good that's a good bumper exactly yeah we should keep that for like Well after you do at like say the music comes in or to say in between ads two bears one case that's good good point We gotta we gotta use that good call all right hold on to that this next one is by

Rabbit pickle you sure stop rabbi pickle. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up. The podcast, well, appears in the making. Thompson Gora. Have you heard of spandicy about you being in a coma? First crisis. I am definitely a Hitler. Two bears, one cake. I'm definitely, I am, I am definitely, I am, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am definitely, I am, I am, I am definitely, I am good intro. Do you want I am Hitler in the title? No, yeah In every episode in every episode so like 10 years from now when we're both in our fifties

We're like hey, I'm still Hitler And then people meet you and they're like you're the you're the Hitler right you're the Hitler guy with the two bears You know the fact I you're the Hitler guy. No, I'm the fact I had the Hitler guy. Okay, so Yeah, that's not gonna make it sorry,. But they tell them that, you know, thank you sir for your effort. Is that Julian? That is rabbit pickle. Oh, sorry, rabbit pickle. Rabbit pickle.

Rabbit pickle. Birkhead help himself, rabbit pickle. All right, this next one is by Robert Dudley. Sup, Bobby. Alright, this next one is by Robert Dudley. Sup, Bobby. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes top and swap the other, wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean. Here's what we call, screw Bert and K. No scripts, a bit of booze, amateur, fort to the gene dirty jokes, ronti humor no apologies Here's what we call Two bears one cave Can I tell you my first thought on this yeah outro song not an intro? I've thought I was thinking the same thing and you know what I want that guy to do I want to I want that guy to do?

I want him to do five second clips of, and here's a flashback story. Yeah, yeah. So we can plug him in every now and then. And if he could go through and give us like, give us real short ones, but like, just little plugs throughout, so we have a little,

I like that, but it's a good outro song, yeah. Yeah. So it's between the first two. Yeah, I mean, my instinct is to go with the, is there another one? Yeah, we have one last one. Okay, okay. If I know anything about blue bear,

this might be the best one. Take for a nation. This is by HuFresh. HuFresh is Fitz. HuFresh. He's Bert Kreischer. To, to, to, two, two bears one cave. I'm Tom Segred.

Two, two, two, two bears one cave. That new new. Two, two, two, two bears one cave. 12 years in the making. Two, two bears one cave. A TV show based on me and you being gay. Yeah. There's one cave.

What would you and Tom Segred go? Let me just start fucking. Two bears one cave. And I've got a bear back mountain. Two, start fucking two bears one case and have like a bear back mountain Two two bears one case two bears one case two two bears one case We may lose new listeners with that intro because it sounds very homo erotic Very They make almost like what is this sit on my cocktunnership Like, they make almost like, what is this? Sit on my cocktunnel shit.

But I gotta tell you, like, it's the closest I would come to putting gays shit on our. I mean, I think you did a great job. I think it was a great job. But me, I wanna hear the first one again. The first one kind of, I don't know if it was cause it was the first one. Right.

Let's hear the first one. Okay, so it looks like it's between the first two. So here's the first one by Craig and Cali. Okay Start to show And looking good He's bird christian He's making it hot and looking good, looking good. He's bird-crisher, I'm Tom Siger. Let's just put the pedal to the metal and go, go, go, go, go.

There's a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I'm gonna put it in every way. It's gonna be a big hit. 100%. I like it, man. I gotta be honest with you. I wanna go with that one. Yeah, I like it man. I gotta be honest with you.

Yeah. I wanna go with that one. Yeah, I like it. Because I like the, what I love is it has an arc. Mm-hmm. You know, like all the other songs didn't have arcs. This has an arc like, let's start the show. And then it's, and then you hear everyone laughing

as the outro. I like, I think that has to be it. I think our decision is made. Oh, all right. So it looks like Craig and Cali are now the new intro for Two Bears One Cave. Thank you guys. Congratulations Craig.

Thanks to everybody who submitted to a really good everyone. And we can use, was it Dudley as that bumper guy or the musician? There was Julian who we're gonna be using for interludes between ads. Yep. And then we have Robert for the outro.

I think it's a good idea. I think it's a brilliant idea. I like it. And thanks for everyone for your time and talent submitting that seriously appreciated. I love just how creative these fans are. The best. I love these, the montages you see online.

Yeah, they're so much fun. Let's see, like, because I know there's some super cuss that there's so much fun. Let's see, like, because I know there's some supercuts that people have made. Jesus, let's see. Can I tell you, I was excited, because I was like, I don't remember many,

much of the podcasts. Like, I don't remember what we talked about. Yeah. And so I was, I saw one supercut, and they got, and they got tagged me in it, and you know, and I watched it. It wasn't even funny. it was just an informational racist ad

with me speaking. And I was like, oh my God, I was like, in the day of fake news, there's gonna be someone that's, this is it, I don't think I talk, I don't think my face moves, it's just racist stuff with my face on it. Really? Let me see it, let me see it. So this one is by Justin G. Okay.

This week onto bare one cave. I couldn't be the poster boy for ISIS. Yeah. There's a really weird comfort in murdering motherfuckers like people of color. And I would love if that became the new world. People of color and I would love if that became the new world. Yeah, super alt-right swastika's Everywhere and then take all the fucking minorities all black people latino's native Americans and then just kill them all what? No more locking your doors. I just want to put gas over everyone ethnic and then just light them up. Yeah Okay, then white people for the Aryan group can be safe And then everyone started chanting bird bird bird bird bird. I would love that Oddly enough and gay one time I blew a squirrel

Why would you and then shout up your ass be a dumb whore and then you take the whole thing in the turn around body shots world Start in San Francisco in September September and and and Cleveland in new member That was fucking great. That was great. Here's a thing man. The in the amount of hard edits you know in that would not just so that was fucking great that you said it but you didn't say it that way. I said it but I didn't say that way. The one that got me off of crates just the sound and the fucking great that you said it, but you didn't say it that way. They said it, but I didn't say that way.

The one that got me off-cray was just the sound and the guy did this sound so good that I was like, I'm gonna stop saying certain words in life. Really? I was like, I gotta see this one. Oh, it was so eerie. All right, what's this one? What's this one?

This one is by Mike Timpson. Okay. He made something animated. Oh, fuck. This is two bears one cave episode three. So how do you feel about reparations? What the fuck? I'm not gonna define this. Come on man, they're people.

Oh God, what? I don't know if I can agree with that. Really? Yeah. Why? I really think they're monkeys. I told island monkeys are gonna want a fucker because he's on a period.

This is why we hate that. That seems crazy, man. There's a really weird comfort in hitting the blacks over the head with the steel pipe. What the fuck are you talking about? This is my Saturday. What? Yeah, beating up minorities.

I fucking hate black skin black people. I hate light skin black people. And all of the African American community because dude, I'm a legit Nazi. Yes, most racist man. Okay, I would love I would love Slaves One time I blew a squirrel Have one yeah Body shots world tour take it's still available

available Body shots were tore hey you gotta send that to me. I want to post that on Instagram. Oh, yeah me too Oh my god, that is fucking hilarious. That's amazing. That is amazing Mike Timson Yeah, Mike Timson fucking a please Mike. Please can we put you on retainer and have you do that for every show and sum up every show in an animation That is so fucking funny. That was fantastic. I just want to hit him over I know I was just saying the words. Yeah, I can't even need to edit it. No, that was a bit over the head all of them all And you list them by skin tone. That was fucking hilarious. That was so fun. All right. What's next? This next one is the last one. It's by Maraudet. It's about two and a half minutes So feel free to tap out whenever you want to oh

Okay Will you stop saying the inward like you cannot say that and I was saying it everywhere and then I guess a racial slur I was there for what for like a traveling slaves or former slaves doesn't mean anything to me So I'm not I don't feel like any moral Wait on that I mean come on man. They're people. Oh God So how do you feel about reparations? They are talking about bringing reparations? Yeah, actually so badly want to talk about this. Yeah fuck reparations or something? Actually white people like let's allow black owned operations to get a foot into the weed industry.

I don't see Black community. That's okay. It's good. It's good. But yeah, we can stop. I think we got the point from the other ones. Yeah. No, but that's very funny. I. Oh, I'm the I gotta be honest

He did the middle one made me laugh. Yeah, the animator one made it one made me laugh. Here's a Here's my authentic. What does that say? I think it was someone made a Comic strip. Here's my authentic Southern art is what the caption. Oh, oh, I got me. Yep But they should know they also just drew racist art They did they drew racist art super racist super racist. Yeah What's the next image and my European European heritage? Oh, and then they also drew Hitler and then Bert is this what you spend your money on No way I'm eating And then, Bert, is this what you spend your money on? There you go.

No way, you're eating. I used to have a race. Oh my God. Oh my God. No, he's just crying. This is gonna, you know what's gonna suck for you? Yeah. Is, uh, like two years from now when, like, Ford is like,

Hey, let's have this guy endorse the F-150 or something. I've got a hope that there is some sort of cyber attack on this country and that all our internet just goes away and we're going to start fresh. Yeah, that's likely. Some sort of like the end of Fight Club. You know what's gonna be, you know what's gonna be, I'm gonna be sitting at a big table and then we like,

so we're really excited about the project, but there's a couple of questions we have about your digital footprint and I'll be like, and they are and they're like, your fuse on reparations and I go, actually those hold on a second. And they're like, well we saw this video, it's animated of two bears, one cave

that your podcast used to do with that guy the past way. I'm like, right, he was my friend. Oh my god. Rumor has his cars doing 120 on the 101 when he went off the... Do you feel like I'll die before you? Yeah. Immediately. Everyone's going to die before me. Everyone's going to die before you?

Yeah, yeah. I'll be the last one here. Do you really think that? I really think that. You don't think you have the Mickey Mantle gene? No, I definitely have the undisclosed athlete gene. I gotta change the name of this fucking gene now. Well, no, but like he died of liver, I think he has cirrhosis in it.

Yeah, but I think there wasn't things in, like I definitely am on top of all my health stuff. So like more so than, I go to the doctor more than you go to the doctor. What are you talking about? There wasn't things in like I definitely am on top of all my health stuff so like More so then I buy good doctor more than you go to the doctor. What are you talking about I go to the doctor every nine months Okay, how often do you go? I'm best friends with my doctor. Oh really? Yeah, we're on what's his name? I can't say it That's a hurt. No, it's a guy. Is it guy? Yeah, you really know you really have a doctor. We're really good friends really. I swear to you No, I'm in front of it. I'm pretty healthy. I'm being healthy now I'm gonna be healthy on the road

But then we got so rock trouble coming up and then November December. Yeah, I'll be fine Yeah, I think I think about that a lot. You don't think you think you're gonna live to old age though. Yeah for real Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I'm gonna shock everyone and here's what I think it's gonna be and I'll tell you why is I'll be at your funeral and people will look at me and they'll go should have been him God his kids are so much younger than birds kids. Jesus. First kids are old Look at that. I feel bad I don't want you to die, but I think about it a lot. I don't want you to die, but I'm gonna be really sad when I give you a ulygy. Let's give our ulygies right now.

I just feel like... Tom was a great friend. Sometimes am I right people? Ha ha ha! Now I'll be- I'll be really sad at your funeral. Oh, you won't be there. Yes, I will. You'll be!

Yeah, it would know- Yes, dude, it's gonna be in like six years. Oh, you're out of your fucking mind is you're the one that everyone's like Ocular cancer. I didn't see that coming. No yours is gonna be like oh Wait, oh alcohol does catch up with you Wait, who do you think if okay if you had to say who one of us died in a hospital bed and one of us died in an accident, which would be which? Oh. You're the accident on the hospital bed. Yeah, that's probably 190.

90. You know, I actually think that you actually believe this. Oh, I totally do. I totally do. Does it feel weird at all knowing that no one else would ever think that about you? Yeah, I think, can't tell you, I was just having this argument in my head

driving here. Let's let these guys weigh in. Oh, okay. What, I mean, you could be honest. What, what do you think? Well, I mean, birds, older, so naturally, you know. By a year. A year.

Yeah, what do you, 46? No, I just turned 40. Why do you look so much older? I know. Now wait, do you think he's gonna live to 90? Well, I mean, like, I know Tom, like, you don't drink that. Like, you don't treat your body like shit. Yeah.

I'm sorry, have you seen his body? Yeah, I mean, yeah. Thank you, Josh Potter, in the back of his head. Yeah, I know. Yeah, I mean, yeah, we've seen him. Do you think he'll live to an old age? Um, I mean, it's hard to say that. I think he's live to an old age? I mean, it's hard to say that. I think he's definitely not gonna outlive you.

What about Potter? Potter has a balanced view on things. Yeah, Josh, what do you think? Yeah, let's ask Gary the worst vision in the room whose body looks worse. He's a honest guy though. Josh is out there. Well, I don't think it's a body thing.

I think like people doubt my longevity in this world, so I think birds more like me, where he will surprise some people. Right. Tom, you're sick like all the time. I feel like something's gonna wipe you out. Okay. Like if anyone's getting spinal meningitis, it's you, not me. I don't know about spinal meningitis.

Like something like that. Like you're gonna be, you're deathless, shock everyone. And I'll have to make so many statements about it. You will. I'm gonna be a publicist. Like this is how I leapfrog into bigger arenas. I'll take his fans, double them up with my fans. I'll do like a thing that Adam Sandler did for Farley.

I'll have a shadow of you come up on stage, like Alfred Hitchcock, and I'll be like, I'm missing somebody. And everyone will start crying and then you take your shirt off hey what else do I do I got my eyes on my feet here's how it happened I think um you know, they both had a fair input would you rather die before push or after push I go ahead. No, let wait. If there's like, you're talking about like in near times? No, like one of you's got to die first and you get to pick it right now.

I don't want, I don't want to be around with like my kids and they don't have their mom. I think it'll be horrible. Ah, I was gonna say the exact opposite, but okay. Definitely rather Lian go. Really? Yeah, Lian go. Really? Yeah, Lian, you distract the bear. I'll get the girls out of here. No, it would be, that's a funeral I don't wanna be at.

I would not wanna be at Lian's funeral because everyone would be like, it should have been him. Oh, that I can 100% attest. 100. I would say I would be at the front of that line. I'll say that. You know for a fact, if my funeral, everyone would be like, you know what, Leanne?

You were a saint. Yeah, yeah. Everyone. No one's gonna look at my funeral. First of all, my funeral, there's two things. Maybe like, your funeral, everyone would be like, how come no one has Kleenex? And then, there's no one crying?

Is everyone just, you know, this isn't a barbecue, right? My funeral's gonna be pretty fucking awesome. I've already talked about it into my, in my, when we did a barbecue, right? My funeral's gonna be pretty fucking awesome. I've already talked about it into my, in my, in when we did a living trust. Yeah. I want a legit funeral. Like, do you want it to be a fun thing?

A hundred percent. And I want it. Are you dictate? Someone has, oh yeah, just told us that they, they're family, the person who's old and sick, dictated that they want people to wear like bright clothes and they don't want it to be like, you know like My funeral is gonna be fun as fuck because if you I want it. I want a highlight reel, right?

I want I mean it's gonna be like a couple hours long Like I want like a full-on highlight reel of all the shit I did I want my travel channel shit done. I'm gonna get an editor to do all that shit so that people go like because I think really and when you look at my life I have lived such way past my expectations. I've never expected I'd be here. Let alone all the shit I've done. I mean, I've first person jump off stratosphere, skydive of Rachel Ray, swam with great white sharks. I've done so much shit that no one's gonna be like, well... You know, you should do in your montage reel. Have it like all these things and have it

build to, you go, you know, when I was 19, I got involved with the Russian mafia and then you turned the camera and be like, I'm not gonna make you guys sit through it. So, I got everyone's like, oh, here we fucking go. I'm gonna hire six Russian looking gangsters to sit in the back of my funeral. Everyone's like, I think the mob is here. They're here.

I have an egor and fucking whatever. Oh, yeah. Is it, do you think average people think about their funeral and stuff? No, I don't think most people do. No. Is it because we're comedians that our brains just go, like, because like, I heard people talking in my hot spin class

about Chappelle Special and they were kind of like, like, aghast by it. And I was like, yeah. What are they saying? They like you, I don't know. I'm not even gonna forward that narrative. Because I just sat there and I was like, is it, am I broken?

That I didn't, it didn't offend me. I didn't lose any sleep over a special at all. I actually laughed hysterically. I think you imagine. I was like, I was like, I had trouble sleeping. I can't imagine. And like people were still trying to work through the trauma and I was like, I'm literally going.

That's just indicative of the world today, you know? I got messages from some people in Vancouver that for my shows last week and they're like, I just wanted to let you know that I was a pulp at a few of these things. I'm dying to see this. Reading special. Because you said, you said to me, you're like,

huh, you thought the last one was bad. Oh, I'm gonna get a lot of shit. But only not because I'm so on the line, it's because the world is different. It's not different when we started. When we started, do you remember how hard we'd go at like, just to get it recognized? Nobody would, and nobody would ever, like one time I made a couple cry. I remember that. But like other than that, that was an Irvine, but... You made a couple cry? Yeah. Were they Asian?

No. Just whites? No, their son was a dwarf. And they weren't. Oh, they weren't. No. Okay. And, you know, I didn't pick them out.

I'd be like, what about you guys? What's up with your fucking kid? I just made jokes. Oh, and their son wasn't there? No. Okay, I thought he was sitting at the table with them. And like that, I just did the bit. I just did the bit. Yeah. And like, look, dude, the bit. I'm just being a bit crushed. Is this, uh, is this the, uh, N word M word? Yeah. Oh, it's a great bit.

Which by the way, just people know, I know other communities have done it. Uh, I remember when you wrote that bit, this was gotta be like 15 years ago. It was a long time ago. And it all, some people have pointed to me out over the time. They're like, a millennia does that bit. I did mine before his. Oh yeah. And I know he didn't take mine, but I definitely didn't take his. Do you know so funny?

Someone tried to get me to call out millennia for stealing one of my bits. And I was like, no, John Malayne doesn't steal bits. He doesn't steal anything. He doesn't steal any bits. No, he's fantastic. But I always, I had to write. It made me feel like the John Laine and I are on the same page right in this.

Of course, I had to defend that, like I thought, like I would tell people, have you looked up the release date on these and then they would just not write back to me? How about own your fucking mistakes, people? Yeah, come on man. But anyways, I just did that, but it was a long time ago and yeah,

that's what one thing I distinctly remember, the guy guy the father followed me to the bathroom and we got in your face he tapped me on the shoulder and I was like he goes hey that was really funny stuff and I go I was like oh thank you. Hey thanks lot buddy. Yeah I go thanks man he goes really funny and then his face got real like straight and I was like I was like thank you and I was like, I was like, thank you. And I'm just like waiting for like, what's he gonna have happen next?

He goes, yeah, you know, I really enjoyed it. My son's a dwarf. And I go, okay. So I didn't, you know, I'm not sure where he's going. I just say, okay. And he goes, so I go, well, I'm sorry if it, I think I said, I'm sorry if it offended you. And he goes, it's not, you didn't offend me. You're offensive to him and what he can be by saying that. And I just go like, I just said, okay man,

like I just, I didn't, I wasn't trying to in like promo, okay. Yeah, you just like, yeah. I just go, okay man, okay. And he goes, but he goes, have a great, have a good night. You're really funny. And I go, all right. Do you realize that's where I would have been like,

wait, are you being serious? I'm confused. I knew what he was doing. So then he went and he got his wife from the show. No, at this point, I moved to like an area of the older, by the improv where you can kind of watch. For the far left. And to the far right, like almost by the office.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they come out to the lobby and she's a fucking crying, right? And Dan Godfrey is talking to her and she's like I could hear her go He's a fucking asshole and he goes he's a good guy. He's yeah, he's actually good guy. You know it's he could be all come Yeah, exactly and He's like she's like you fucking asshole and and then Dan Godfrey goes I can Hear it. He's like you guys should go and and he goes, here's some tickets, come by.

He's probably gonna be here next week. Yeah, he's like, come back whenever you want. And then as they're walking away, I'll never forget, he goes, hey guys. And they turn back and he goes, I can't promise the next guy's not gonna be an asshole too. And he just walks out. But I mean, I feel like that those two people

who are not bad, they're just reacting to it. That idea of like reacting to you shouldn't say, that's a lot of people now. It's a lot, it's definitely a lot of people. I don't even know how to interact with that. I mean, I had a woman one time come out, I used to have a joke about, I forget the premise, but the joke was, you know, it out. I used to have a joke about, I forget the premise,

but the joke was, you know, it's a great way to get a blowjob, grab her by the back of the head and strong armor on your dick, and then I tried the sensitive approach, you know, side it in her mouth while she's sleeping. And then, yeah, and then be like, oh, you're dreaming, you're dreaming, you're snorkeling in the keys,

feel the fish bouncing off your chin. And some girl came up to me in New York and I had a bunch of people like, go and have a great show, great show. Some girl was shaking mad. And she was like, you're advocating assault. And she goes, no, she goes, you know, you're raping your wife. And I went, excuse me, she's you're raping your wife, you're raping your wife. And I was like, no, I'm never raped my wife. She was like, no, you're raping your wife, you raped her. And I was like, what? She goes, you put your dick in her mouth while she's sleeping.

That's rape. And then walked away. And this one woman chased her down and was like, learn how to take it. It was way more aggressive than I would have ever been. I would have been like, I definitely if the woman had talked to me, I would have been like, hey, maybe I didn't see your point of view. But then some fucking guys next to me like, dude, clearly

someone put his dick in her mouth while she was sleeping. Well, I mean, I feel like I haven't see your point of view, but then some fucking guys next to me, like, dude, clearly someone put his dick in her mouth while she was sleeping. I'm not gonna lie. Well, I mean, I feel like I haven't seen the Dave thing, the new special. It's great. Well, I gotta be honest with you, it's great. And- But I love that what I have seen are a bunch of people

on like social media going, people are crying, this is hilarious. Yeah. They're calling it out, you know? Yeah. They're calling out people for, I had a similar thing on mostly stories. I had a joke about how Christina was pregnant

and I was like, you know what you should do. I made some analysis that like when you leave it in, versus pull out, I go, it's kind of like the first time you try melted cheese. You're like, this is fucking amazing. There's so much better. All you have to do is melt it. I go, so if you've never like left it in,

I go next time you're in there, instead of pulling out, I say something like, just next time, just don't, even if she says to be like, oh, I forgot, and like just come inside of her. So, I mean, you watch it in the context of it, and obviously it's a joke, dude. I got so many to go. You're advocating sexual assault. You're saying that even when a woman says not like to pull out to to go against her wishes.

I'm like, I don't think you should watch stand-up specials. Yeah, there's people that should not. You should have to take like an intelligence test. Yeah. Of like, I'm like, hey, this is a my serious right here. You know, one guy on CNN was pretty cool. I saw him like, hey, this is a new. Am I serious right here, you know? Is that one guy on CNN was pretty cool? I saw him talk to defend, Chappelle, and he was like, you know, he's like, Steve Chappelle,

it's really hard to take one bit out of context and then say that that was serious and everything else was a joke. And he was like, it's not. I mean, even like the Michael Jackson stuff, which you can definitely understand. I mean, even when he said it, I was like, I can definitely see

how someone's gonna take this out of context. Of course. You're like, he's not, he's just making a, like when he said, I I was like, I can definitely see how someone's gonna take this out of context. Of course. You're like, he's just making a, like when he said, I don't know, I'm not gonna do his act. But like, don't you have that thing where, like, because somebody goes, so, like, there are things that are offensive to me, right? Like, I can't like, always just pull them out and go like, it's like this.

But whenever I watched things in context of standup and joke telling, even if I go, even if I'm not laughing out loud, my brain just goes like, oh, that's a good joke about that. Or that's a bad joke about that. But I don't go like, I gotta fucking get this guy's email information. And-

I've never, I don't think I've ever done that with anyone, even with a bad meal. Like I've did it once with a bad meal in Baltimore and the guy hit me back. It was like, hey man, you just trashed my restaurant on Yelp. Oh, I've definitely done that. Yeah, I've lit up some Yelp guys. Oh, I've tried to ruin businesses.

You know what it is about powerlessness. Yeah. Like, I distinctly remember being at a hotel, like a big, chain hotel, and the guy was like, they had rooms and he wouldn't give me a room. And he was like, now man, you missed your reservation. We're all sold out. And I said, well, what happened in my room? Give it to someone else. And I was like, what? Hey, hold on. I'm put I'm here right now. And he was like,

yeah, I go, is that person here? And he's like, not yet. I go, well, tell him they can't have my room. And he was like, now man, and you could just see it in this eye. I was like, give a fuck. Yeah, he was just having fun. Yeah, I did it. The Kevin Bean. I wouldn't Kevin Bean the other day. And the guys down the thing were like we're like Yeah, they don't open till eight. I go well. I'm on air before eight and I'm like sorry man They just did not give a fuck yeah, and I was like no the shows already started like they started six in the morning And they're like yeah, we know and I went well, I need to be up there and they're like

Go fuck yourself and you were just like hold on like and then I went to Kevin and Bean and they were like, huh, go fuck yourself. And you were just like, hold on. And then I went to Kevin and Bean and they were like, oh, those guys fucking hate us and they fuck with us nonstop. Yeah, it's a control thing. It's a control. It's like when you watch my wife's family walk slow across the street, if a car's coming, they slow down. Because they're like, no, fuck you.

And I'm like, it's because they have no power. They have no power in their lives. And so this is the only place I get to exert it is when they cross the street. And they're white. And they're white, yeah. Wow. My wife's family in their lives. Yeah, this is the only place I get to resort it is when they cross the street and their white and their white Yeah, wow my wife's family is definitely white. Yeah, but there's just pouring on it. No, okay, where they go What No, I was just I was trying to walk you into something. I know I know

By the way, I used to have a joke about Black guys walking this this across the street slow. I was jogging one day and I was jogging I still black guy and we got to the light and the light turned red and I was like gonna hold ass and he just he stopped jogging and walked slowly across the street But it never worked. Yeah Never worked. I tried to high five a black guy one time jogging. We were jogging opposite directions And I went hey, and you got scared as fuck He's like what the fuck and I was like oh, I was gonna high five you You're both jogging like I scared the shit out of him nobody nobody nobody nobody high five

So no one there's no one does you psycho scared the living shit out of that guy. Oh my god. All right Get out of that guy. Oh my God. All right. Thick boy nation rolls on with two C's for that ass. Oh my God, I went to hot spin class with Brendan Shobb. How was that? It was a fucking hilarious. How hard is that class?

It's fucking hard as shit. What is it like? Is it a kind of bike where... Dude, you know who teaches that class? It's the girl from the first episode one. From the first episode one. The Hannah. Who, yes.

Who met me when I was being a, you know, on a podcast I was like, oh, great declutile, she's a smoke show, I'm fucking hit that. And then she's like, hey, I'm your spin teacher. I'm like, oh, this is my sister. Ha ha ha. She is hot as shit.

So tell me though, but what, so it is the kind of bike where like the, they can change how difficult it is. No, that's a, that's a peloton. So it's the same, it's the same. Everyone's got the same bike and they trust that you're gonna spin the knob to do. Oh, that's what I'm saying.

You do change the difficulty as you do. Change the difficulty, yeah. So they're like, turn it to seven. Yeah, it's about a hundred, I'm gonna say a hundred degrees in there, a hundred and ten degrees. Oh, it's a hot class. Oh, I told, I told, I go, it's hot spin and Brendan goes, oh cool, oh man.

And then he shows up and the fucking, first of all, fucking first voice like 10 minutes late because he's an MMA fighter Sure, and he's just like he's a pro athlete and he's like oh, oh, yeah, he just comes in late and then and then it's like easy for him He's like it's he's loud as shit and he's like is the fucking heat on and I'm like yeah We don't talk in the class. Yeah I brought your water to the guy next to him? I need some water. I don't got any water. Someone take my shirt. It was fucking awesome.

Was it hard for him though or no? No, he kind of killed it. But I remember I was doing CrossFit class like years ago. And this is the kind of thing where like you see the full spectrum of fitness levels, right, in the class. And you're doing the like, if you've never done CrossFit, the full spectrum of fitness levels, right, in the class? And you're doing the, if you've never done CrossFit, they'll have the workout of the day, right? So you do some stuff to warm up

and then like, here's what's going on today. And there's one of these days where it was an extremely challenging workout where it was like box jumps, followed by pull ups, followed by burpees, followed by power cleans, overhead press, and then a run, like a quarter mile run or something and back, and we're gonna do four rounds of that.

So it's one of those days where you're like, oh shit, and you're gonna see who, kind of like, you know, where people are. And so, you know, there's like, there's one guy in the class, he's like in his 60s. There's a girl who's a junior Olympian. There's, you know, then there's a couple like, workout, psychos, and then there's like,

pieces of shit like me. So, we're all kind of knowing where to go. Well, then there's like, there go. I was always funny because it was a baseball player, a university of Texas, longhorn baseball player. And he was just like, in town visiting someone, and they're like, he's a guest of ours today. He's doing the class, and he's like, hey, what's up?

And he was like, you know, he could tell he's an athletic guy. He's dude. We're doing four rounds of this. When I'm on round two He's already sitting down like like having a gatorade and we're like, what's up with him? And they're like, he did it. He did all four rounds already. Like he was so far ahead. That's what that's with Brandon That's what I meant. Brandon was on the bike Like and I'm and there's like I meant. Brandon was on the bike. Like, and there's like, I'd gone the day before, like the two days before my buddy,

Eric, who's just a lawyer, and he had a really rough time. You can see him, and he was just like, what the fuck? And how long is it an hour? It's an hour long and Brandon, like, 25 minutes goes, how long are we doing this for? And I'm not even out of breath. And I'm like an hour and he was like, okay.

And by the way, he did not have water. I kept giving him my water, he did not have water, he only took two sips of my water. That was fun. And it was fine. But then you realize like, I remember him telling me about training for his fight with the Travis guy, the big Travis Brown.

Travis Brown. And I realized, oh, he's trained much harder than this spin class. Because he was like every time they were out of this habit, he was out of this habit, he was going as fast as he could. And I was like, I was trying to keep up with him. And then I already played for university Colorado football. And you're like, oh, his, his athletic level is like, it's a

whole other level. It's a different, it's a different animal. And you forget that because you do work out. I mean, I know everyone could have laughed this, but I do work out hard. When I go to the class, I do as hard as I can. Of course. And you think you because you do work out. I mean, I know everyone could have always laughed this, but I do work out hard when I go to the class. I do as hard as I can. Of course. And you think you're achieving more because you're getting better, but then you see someone like Brandon

who's, by the way, the bite doesn't even fit him. No, of course. You're sitting next to him and there's a mirror in front and he is a mountain of a fucking man. Yeah. And his shoulders are huge and he's just, what's funny is that Brandon will tell you because you know he did

He like I see I think it was undrafted by the bills. He's on the practice when he goes he has that same perspective about Like the elite NFL player where he goes. I want to go there. He goes. I saw these fucking guys And we're in practice and I was like like he's saying like holy shit There's another another level of freak like'm not, I'm not on that level. They used to say that about Warren Sapp that his speed was so unfathomable. Like you would just go, I remember, I can't remember. Especially for like a 300 pound guy, dude.

He's a size 15 foot. Yeah. He's just a freak like you. He had a motor. That's the thing about Warren Sapp. If you look at him, if you don't follow him, you look him up, you're like, that guy's got a bail gut. Yeah. Dude, that. Get a motor. That's the thing about Warren's tap. If you look at him, and if you don't follow him, you look him up, you're like, that guy's got a bail gut, and you do that guy was a terror.

I mean, he played low, he played fat, and he just, he had a motor, he never stopped. So he would wreak havoc, you know, every other play. That's amazing that God made men big fucking ass. That much too. Do it. Warren's tap is massive. Yeah. But to think that there are men that are that much more superior than us.

Yeah, that you go hold on. Like also super competitive. Like that's another level of competition to where they would fuck you. That's crazy that Joe's got that too. He has it totally has it. He has a pro. But he's one of us. But don't forget that like we always forget this because it's like a it's like a footnote,

but like he was a footnote, but like he was a national champion, right? Yeah, you do fucking forget that. Yeah, you do fucking forget that. And then like if you go, if you're national champion, he's a, but like a double black belt in Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, he's, so like, like, but to get out, like you have to be obsessive and he gets obsessive over things over everything.

So then what is the difference? Like, do you, do you think that we don't have the ability to access what Brendan and Joe and and and and more and sap and all these pro athletes have or do you think that like do you think that we have the ability we haven't tapped into it because like sometimes I work out with my sister obviously always does spin class with me and I look at her and I see her and Lee and sometimes we'll not get to the point where they're going to throw up and do it and I go you need to and Leanne sometimes will not get to the point where they're gonna throw up and do it. And I go, you need to work out to the point where you go.

And they're never going to. They never will. That's mental. Everyone has their own physical limitations or gifts, right? So that's just the way it is. You have this gift to move this way, but that mental part, it is possible to be coached up a certain amount

to put in a great coaches will push you to a level. But there's something that a coach can't teach you also. A coach won't make you, Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan has an amazing athletic ability, a Kobe, but they had killer, like, I'd rather die than lose. And like if you were on his team and you fucked something up to lose, he would try to choke you out in the locker room

and want you to die because you fucked things up. So, okay, so then now I think I'm wrapping my head around it. So, so then you look at someone like, Joe would rather go to the hospital than lose that thing we did last year. He'd rather be on dialysis than lose. Oh, it's so funny. I was the exact opposite. I was like, myself?

Yeah, I mean, my head was like, I'm just happy we're all competing together. Yeah, yeah, because, but I'm saying that that's that voice in his head. Okay, so then what was the guy that got drafted by the Raiders that was just a absolute specimen, but flopped? Javan. Jermarkis Russell. Jermarkis Russell. Yeah. So does Jermarkis Russell have our interior drive, but just astronomical genes?

Yeah. And he's just like, oh, yeah, I don't want to go to practice today. I don't know, there's sleep and play video games. 100%. So you know what I got? But here's the other thing is about a guy like that. His physical, like natural ability was so advanced that for the different levels he was at before,

it was more than enough. Like in high school, he didn't even have to bust his ass. In college, he was still superior to 90% of the people. It's just when you get to the most elite level that you go, oh, like it's not good enough here to just be gifted. I got it. You ready? Yeah. Me and you celebrity MMA fight against Grunk. Me and you just be gifted. I got it. You ready? Yeah. Me and you, celebrity MMA fight against Grunk.

Me and you, verse Grunk. You would fucking kill us. We could take Grunk. No, we couldn't. No, one of us has to take a hit for the team. No, the first person he hits dies. And then, you think, okay, what could we beat Grunk in? Reading, I don't know.

Um, a bucket chicken weeding in content. Yeah, maybe. I mean golf. I don't know if he's good at that. Cause groan, some fucking spirit athlete. 100%. He is like the prototype of like, he has unnatural size, unnatural strength. Just a kind of kid like at a 13, open his parents bedroom, dorm and rip the door off. Like, oh, what happened?

You don't know this. What? He played at Josh Potter's high school for, yeah. Are you serious? Yes. And wait, and there is a wait. And Buffalo for what? Oh, for real?

And the need to transfer it, right? Is my right with that? Yes? Yeah, is that Williamsville North for a spell before they took him out of there and How it was he decent in high school as a player? Yeah, I was actually at Williamsville South He was at Williamsville North. They played us three times a season and I was doing the PA stuff And I'd have to call his name. He'd like throw passes to himself and I mean he must I mean he must have been an absolute fucking animal

Oh, dude. Yeah, he was just like his now, but in high school. Yeah, what I mean, when I was in, he was in, me into a locker in a second. I look, I saw this thing, what was it? I saw a clip of Jadevion Clowney in high school. Oh, is that the other tips? No.

You're thinking of Andre Smith. Yeah. It was, it was not very competitive for him. And I really yeah, they were pulling kids out of games and shit. Dude, I saw clips of Aaron Hernandez, the guy that murdered those people. And I don't know. I don't know. I thought you might go up with himself. I don't know. I don't know. I thought you might go up with the self-forward. And he was just like, just, they're different,

they're different humans. Oh, 100%. And he was, Aaron and his was. He was a star star. If you want to look up one that's real crazy. So like, FSU, you got fans. Do you remember Darnel Dockett? No.

You remember Darnel Dockett? No, I don't think so. Pull the picture Darnel docket. Darnel docket I want to say both of his parents were murdered when he was a young teenager and So I'm talking about like mentally what's going on? Yeah, hit some images of my man, okay? That's oh my god. Oh my god. Look at that picture fourth one over. Yeah, so He looked basically like that as a junior in high school. My God. Okay, and he has this horrific thing that he discovered his mother murdered. I know who Darnell docket is now.

Now that you tell me that, I knew who he was. I knew he's from Maryland and I knew he was an FSU guy and I followed him throughout his NFL career. He's retired now. How scary is that helmet? And I followed him on Instagram and stuff. I was looking at this thing, dude. So he's considered to have the most savage high school highlights ever because he is this guy in high school.

And he is, he is body-ing people and talking to them like as a 16 year old. It's, it's the great. If you look up, darn hell year old. It's the cray, if you look up, Darnell dockets, it's in Maryland somewhere, but his high school highlight reel is unreal. I wanna see this, can we watch it? Yeah, we can watch it. Darnell docket high school reel.

Look at him. Look at him. Look at him, high school, dude. Yeah, oh my God. You know what, no part. And those are old school pads too. Yeah. The pads that made you look yoked.

Yeah. You don't think if I- I think I want to say him on defense was enough for them to win the state championship. Oh. Like one guy. I like that Freddie Rosela. He was fucking lost.

Yeah, hit that. Yeah. Why can't you play that? Dude, it's a hit right. Yeah. Why can't you play that? Dude, I want to get one of those. It's a stupid ad. I want to get one of those, like, hit Popeye's chicken sandwiches today. Yeah, everyone keeps talking about that.

You got to try. There's a Popeye's right next to my house. Yeah. So funny, you can't tell that anyone that doesn't live in California if you bring up Popeyes or like, oh, I'm not driving in that neighborhood. You're like, what? Jesus, oh, here we go.

Yeah. Look at him. Oh my God. Oh my god. Oh My god. Oh my god. I mean he's just throwing people dude like just and then Yeah, this guy's like Michael Frisch. That's a guy who had a block him. He's like it was a problem I don't know what to do and then see like no one in high school does that shit you know like gets over people. It's like This is look it. There's no stopping it. No, there's like four guys trying to and then I also thought about my family And this is him talking about it was easy shit was easy for me look at his hands Yeah, dude. He's got I just learned how to run hands

And then I'm and so I quit I quit after today quit the game. You could probably play his audio by the way. I don't think so. See he's talking. You all right? I like that. Hey, hey, hey, hey, I better make this tackle. It's pretty funny. High school? It's high school, dude. I better make this tackle. I've seen as an approach that were similar to him, of course, as a pro. And Darnel is just a man. He's got a heart of stone and I'll tell you what, he loves like physical football. Heart of stone. Heart of stone, that's not an act.

That? Yeah, I mean, he's just doing whatever he wants. He's got a brain like a truck. He's got a heart of stone. He's got black blood and coal running through his veins. He's got the eyes of a great white. Yeah. God, hang it. I want to, hey, when we do so, Rocktober,

whenever we figure out what it's going to be, do you think it would be safe if we did Dr. approved steroids? Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that none of them give us approval. No, yeah, Ken. But do you think the doctor's gonna be like, just do it.

I know a doctor that would. That, but yeah, no, we can find a doctor. He's here on Fridays. You think he will sign off on that? Dr. Drew will definitely sign off on it. You wanna call him? Let's call him right now. All right. Let's call We got to wrap this up

Doctor All right doctor feel good in here. Dr. Pepper. Let's call doctor true No, don't call on doctor pepper guys. No laugh By the way, Drew's just gonna think that I found my bottom. I started on the right, I'll get back as soon as I possibly get back. Oh, I think he's on the radio right now. I'll just leave a message.

Burting, you may hang up or press one for more options. Hey Drew, it's Burnt and Tom. I wanted to run an idea that Tom came up with by you. We were thinking for this sober October since we're not drinking and doing drugs. We were thinking for this sober October since we're not drinking and doing drugs. We were wondering if we could get on a couple cycles of steroids and would you prescribe them. We're thinking advar adnavar is the one that everyone keeps telling me or wind straw. Hit me up or just text me yesterday or call Tom. All right we love you. Thank you. Bye.

All right. Think boy nation rolls on. I'm gonna get so fucking yoke to October. I'm gonna take my shirt off for my special in November and they're gonna go, care it top? I want someone to isolate that moment of Bert saying that and then. And then cut to me in October.

Still is, you gotta admit I do look skinny, right? Then when? Then the last fucking four episodes. Yes. On my faces, not a lot skinny or. I haven't drank really this month. I love when you just say I haven't drank really. Yeah.

Sometimes you'll go, I haven't drank at all. I'm like, really? And you're like, I'm fucked Wednesday and Tuesday. Too nice to go, but, yeah. But like, my not drinking is like, it would be a wheels-off month for you. But for me, we're going to crash up Derby this weekend. Cool. So, I'm going to drink there.

Go ahead and also, what's the email? Is it two bears, one cave, the number two bears, the number one cave at Gmail.com. Let us know who you think will die first. Let us know what age you see it happening at. And thank you very much to everybody that submitted the supercuts and the theme songs. We really appreciate your time and talent. And that's it.

We'll be back soon. All right. I love you. Love you. Bird time. Tom and Bert. One goes top and swat the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and birds, the machine. Bird time, time and bird One goes top and swap the other, wears a shirt

Tom tells stories and birds the machine There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, Sue bears one cave No scripts to bet a booze amateur, Dirty jokes, ranchy humor, no apologies. Here's what we call, two bears one cave.