2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Ep. 11 - 2 Bears 1 Cave 2 w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: October 28, 2019

Tom Segura is appearing from Europe via hologram and Bert Kreischer is very down in weight! It's 2 Bears 1 Cave! Do you have wild hiking thoughts? Is making out cheating? These questions and more are answered. Plus, an appearance by Whitney Cummings after a "viewing" sparks some questions. Bert and Tom talk about So Over October with Christina P and LeeAnn Kreischer, and we ask "Who cooks ONE egg?"

Ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, ruck, Let's go. There's a perfect way to start off this show. 12 years in the making. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. I haven't put it in my mind. It's gonna be a hundred percent. Hey, welcome to another episode of Two Bears One Cave. We are wrapping up the great month of October. It's sober October. We of October. It's sober October. And we know initially we called it sober October because it was an intervention for me.

And that sober October was a thing. But then I think everyone thought that I tried to co-opt it and like make it sober October. Cause like then last year I remember posting it sober October and everyone was like, oh I guess we'll just make it about you, Bert. I was like, I thought that was when it was in the first place. But yeah, these shirts are available at homage

and all the proceeds go to St. Jude's. Some of the proceeds go to St. Jude's. Some of them? I don't know how that works. I'll tell you this, I don't make any money off this shirt. So these sub-rock October shirts are at, you can get them even though if it's November and you're watching this, you can get them at homage.

They're actually really comfortable. Amish makes great shirts. They do. They've got a great memorial shirt, the Tom Loth. A mortified that that happened. And they're like, what did you think about them? I'm like, who? Who?

What are you talking about? Yeah, but check these shirts out, go to omnis.com. They're great people. And yeah. Yeah. All right. We're almost done with the month. Technically right now, I'm in Europe.

Wait, how is this happening? We recorded it in early. Yeah, we did. It was a secret time. But I gotta tell you, of all the places I've been, Paris just feels like home. Do you've taken this to Selon Paris? Yep.

It's the only place that I was like, holy shit, this really was a bad idea. Why did you pick Paris out of all the places? Okay, they initially brought me an 18 city tour. I was like, I have young children, man. So fucking 18 city, where are you going in Europe? It starts in Budapest, then Berlin, then Antwerp, Amsterdam. Antwerp's amazing.

Is it? I loved Antwerp. And by the way, I have hated Belgium my entire life. Why? I just, because the only place I have hated Belgium my entire life. Why? I just, because the only place I'd ever been to Belgium was Brussels and Brussels is disgusting. Why is it disgusting? Well, let me rephrase that.

I'd only been to the subway station in Brussels. I'd never actually walked out of the subway station and I got pickpocketed so I hated Brussels because I, of that one experience. I've only been to Brussels twice actually. Okay. I got pickpocketed once and the other time I was so scared I was gonna get pick-pocketed. I hustle, do their grab the big get the bottle of wine

and got another train to Amsterdam. This reminds me of when you go, I never, I haven't had drinking, I don't know how long, I'm like, I thought you had drinks in it. I had like two drinks in it. You know, I'm thinking about getting fucking given Lyanna, fucking season to assist on fucking podcasts. Do you hear how she lights me up?

If fucking push is talking to her about like, yeah, Bert has a fatty liver, but it's not from drinking, right? Leanna goes, oh, don't believe that shit. I'm like, the fuck she goes, he tells you what you want you to hear. I'm like, first of all, I didn't know she knew that. Yeah. I thought she was like,

bought my fucking hook line of sinker. No, I barely drank in August. And by the way, if I could go to that, but let's really break that down. Okay. I drank probably every Friday, every Saturday, and probably all Sundays, but one. So I drank 12 days and,

Oh, no weekdays. No, well, a couple. A couple, like couple. A couple. Two, maybe two. Maybe, okay, I probably drank maybe tops 15 times. You think there's zero part of the fatty liver thing is alcohol. Zero.

I don't know, I got another read test on my liver in December. So we're going to find out. I'm thinking about not drinking until November 23 December. So we're gonna find out. I'm thinking about not drinking until November 23rd. You really gonna do that? I'm thinking about it. I'll tell you the only part though, is I'm not sleeping on the bus. And if I drink, I sleep like a fucking dead man.

Sounds like a solution. Huh, I wish I could take Xanax right now. That's the one drug I really miss. That I could take. Just sleeping, because our whoops guy have got me so anxious about my sleep. Like I literally wake up, look at my, we'll talk about this when we do our whoop rad later.

But my sleep has been shit. I didn't sleep at all last night. I slept so great. Dude, I slept. I went on a crazy hike though. For real? How far? I don't know the distance, but I hit.

By yourself? Yeah, I hit almost 20 on the strain. What? Like over 19, yeah. On the house, I was like fucking steep hike. Very steep and long. Wait, where do you hike at? Out by your house?

Yeah, I went up to a hill, but then I, But I went to the Whitney's house. And then I'd hiking to another city. Wait, where did you hike to? Whitney's house. And they're packing to another city. Wait, where did you hike to? It was a pass in Sino, and then I took a break for a while, then I hiked back, and then I decided to go towards Calabasas.

So what do you think about when you hike? Because I just took a hike today, and I was cognizant of what I was thinking about. And that's interesting. I think it changes. Usually, it's like, what's on your mind right at the moment is the first part of it. And I was cognizant of what I was thinking about. That's interesting. I think it changes. Usually it's like what's on your mind right at the moment is the first part of it. But then it drifts into all kinds of things.

You get into creative thought thoughts, then you get into life stuff. Then do you think about relationships, dynamics with people, family, friends, then you think about things you wanna do, both career wise, personal. So they all kind of, it's really good for that stuff. I was thinking about scarcity today.

About what? Scarsity, people that live with scarcity in their life. I've never really lived with scarcity. We've talked about this before, because I think we're both very lucky at the places we are in our career. And we always have this thought of like, what if it all goes away?

And I think it's so funny, I've always thought that at every juncture of my career, every one of you might have it all goes away? And I think it's so funny, I've always thought that at every juncture of my career, every way, if it all goes away. And then even like, and I think there are people that are cognizant, I think that's what a healthy view to have. But if you live with scarcity, where you're like scrambling and you're like,

I need that, that's mine, that's mine, that's mine. Like, you know, I think that's so fucking unhealthy. I think you're right. I'm thinking about scarcity today. Panic is like that, it's a panic, it's so fucking unhealthy. I think you're right. I was thinking about scarcity today. The panic is like that. It's a panic. It's a famine mentality. Yeah.

It sounds like you're saying scarcity. Like it's a place you buy Halloween stuff. No, I do that with, I do that with scarcity. Yeah. Scarcity. Scarcity. I say cement. Why do you say cement?

I don't know. What do you say? What do you call the school that is from second grade through fifth grade or first through fifth? Presk or Ella Ella elementary. Yeah, we say it the same way. How do you I say elementary, but Josh says elementary It's the only thing I really don't like about I say I say What do you call it when a person rubbed your body until you come no? Rubbed your body the person that rubbed your body massage There is massage you say massage. I say massage

Wait massage massage your whole whole lips purse out. It's really, it's really. I saw this guy in line. Wait, Sanakin? Massage. Massage. I saw this guy in line. It's at security today.

You can't just say massage. No, massage. Massage. I saw this guy in line. It's security today. You know what you're like, just have out of it. This is what he this is what he did with his lips. Okay. He did it. I saw him do it and it seemed so odd to me. I didn't realize he was looking at me and I redid it to him. Like So the line just to put this in perspective, right? It's a security line in the Indianapolis.

And he is here in this, and he's gonna walk this way. And this portion is the people he recognized, and then behind those people is me. So he hugged them over their shoulder and did this look with his face, and then I saw it looking at me, and I did it to him, and he saw me do it to him and went, I'm gonna do it good.

I'm gonna do it good. So wait, set it up again. You're waiting in line? I'm waiting in line, security line, okay? So just to put this in perspective, this is the guy, this is the couple he's recognizing and this is me. It's a man and woman.

By the way, this gets even creepier because he's walking, right? And he sees them, and his lip does this. I hope to kind of do it right. His lip does this. Right? Hey! You guys, what are you doing here? Now, I start going like that,

back to him, and they go, we're going to dot, dot, dot, and he goes, oh, work or pleasure. And then this guy goes, pleasure. I started going, what a fucking weird thing to say. Pleasure, lots of it. Yeah. Ugh.

You guys, and then but he hugged them over their shoulders. And I saw his lip and I just immediately went, do you know how to do that too? You do that too when you're writing a joke, you'll go like this. Oh, I talked to myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, instantly. I will do that. You talked to yourself? Oh, hardcore. George myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll instantly I will do that. Talk to yourself. Oh hardcore

Yeah, George and I will be like hey stop writing material just talk to us and I'm like what what am I doing it? Dude in the car though I have to look like a complete fucking maniac. I drive around like oh You put me in an uber. Yeah, I'm in the back one. Shit my man. I was like, you don't have to tell me, I could be an Asian or a foot race. Do you ever, do you ever, do you ever, so fucking hard,

cannot crack the code on? Do you ever have the thing where you do confrontations that you want to have in real life, but driving in, you're like like no, it's fucking bullshit All right, yeah, you're not gonna and then you see yourself like oh boy No, I gotta tell you it's just not gonna work out. God. I have that all the time We need I soil them. I've done it fought with Leanne with her bed with me Yeah, I'm fighting in bed with her by she doesn't know it. And I'm doing it silently.

And then she's picked up on the conversation that I'm having and going, we are you talking to me in your head? I'm like, no. I don't know what you're talking about. Do you think if you speak in Leanne, do you think if you make out with someone, they consider cheating?

Is there a camera in front of us? No. No. No. Uh. Here's a question. Do I think it's cheating? Yes. Would I tell her about it?

No. What would she do if she found out? Should be really mad? Mmm. I'm gonna make you be, I think she'd be like, what? Like I think she'd be like more confused. What if, okay. What if you smelled someone's armpit?

Oh hold on, let's get back to this. Let's get back to this. So let's set the scenario up for me so I can defend the fine of his cheating or not. Okay. You finished the show. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good night. It's backstage and they're like, hey, we have some people that want to say hi. You're like, okay, and you meet a group of them and one of them's a attractive woman and she's like really, you know, like social and fun and you're like laugh at having a good time with everyone.

And then they all leave. You start having a few drinks. When you were walking out the back to go back to the bus, you see her again. She's like, hey, I just met you a little while ago. Yeah. And she's like, oh my God, can I see the bus? Of course, yeah. Yeah.

So you go in the bus and you're showing her around. Do you want some of the drinks? Yeah, let me guess a little bit. And you're starting to have more drinks. Now it's two or three drinks. And we should probably meet up with everyone. And she's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But like, everyone's at that bar.

It's so crowded that you can't even hear somebody talk. She keeps talking to you, right? And then you're showing her around. And she's like, oh man, like how does this thing work? And then she starts pressing buttons and making sure that she puts music on. Yeah, let's go out. Let's go out. But music's on. Well, that's right. Actually, you're closing the door. And she just leans over and she kisses you. You start making out and then she's like, oh my god, that was crazy. Let's go to that bar now. That's what happened. That's not true. That's not. No, because I would book end it with I can't do this.

I'm married. So yeah, it's like the same as like it's the same as like if if you have a piece of shit car and you see someone about to hit you and you're like, just take the charge, get the fucking insurance money. So, but you're not telling that story, Leanne. I'm telling Leanne. Oh my God, some girls from the face. Can we tell her? No, she'll hear this. Oh. No, I would be, I would, if a girl kissed me,

I would be like, I would definitely bookend it with, I can't do this, I'm married. There we go. There you go. You can kiss her a little bit back. I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what did you just do to me? Right, right, right.

You could do that to me. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Yeah, you get a little bit back. I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what did you just do to me? Right, right, right. You could do that to me. Yeah, that's right, that's right. Yeah. You get a little bit. You get a little bit. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, it's like, if I'm gonna fucking... And like, let's say she takes your hand

and puts it between her legs. You get a little feel and then you're like, Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing to me? What are you doing to me? What are you doing to me? Ow, ow, that hurts my fingers. Yeah, yeah.

Now... I wish, I really wish I could be the guy that cheated on my wife. I would love that I can't I'm not that guy. I know. I'm such a fucking I'm like I've said no my my My bus driver is so fucking funny. You keep saying this. He makes me laugh so fucking hard. What? Say. I want to tell you the story, but I'm afraid like he just one day he's driving the bus.

He's like, Bert, can I have a cup? Is this a Sebastian? Is he the driver? Yeah, he's Italian. Bert, mama mia. He's like, I love your impressions last. He goes, can I tell you why you're a man of fortune? And I said, why?

Because you say no to all that pussy. I go really wrong. And he was like, oh yeah. I already said his name. I can't tell you the rest of the story. Oh great. Oh, it's so good. He makes me laugh so fucking hard.

We went to the new Airstor. And both me and him are hat guys. And we were like kids and candy stores. Andrew got one hat, Shane Torres got one hat, me and Ron both boss seven. Jesus. Like we couldn't stop. And then they designed a bunch.

They got two bears one. Two bears won't cave hat coming to us. That's awesome. They should have enough sizes for all of us. That's awesome. And then you got to go to the new aerosaur when you go to Buckley. I definitely will. So what if you fucked a whore?

Is that cheating? Yeah. It's a whole way to whore. Yeah. You're so funny. It's definitely cheating. But like, I said to Dr. Drew once, I said, you know, if I had a month to live,

I'd have to tell Leanne, listen, I'm gonna go run through all the pussy that I've wanted to fuck. Like, Drew's like, yeah. But then Drew, okay, I didn't hear what he said. I didn't hear what I said. It's just such a beautiful way to go out. Yeah.

That's like, I have a list of porn stars. I'm a little bit of a loser. I'm like, I I was like, and then Drew goes, so what you're saying is that there are women you want to sex with. You know what I was like, you ever hang out with Drew and he really takes the fun out of something? And he's like, you're telling me you want to sex with other women and I go, no, I'm just saying if I had a month to live and he goes, yeah, but you may have a lot of months to live.

Like, why wouldn't you just do it? And I go, because I'm not going to cheat on my wife. And he goes, but if you had a month to live, you'd rather fuck other women than spend time with your wife. I'm like, why can't you just play around? Like, Jesus Christ, take the doctor down some time to just be drew.

And so, but there are definitely porn stars that I look at. And I go, man, I don't know. Like, you know how porn stars have that thing with like turning a corner on you? Yeah.

And all of a sudden you're like, whoa, what the fuck are you ever done? Like, because it's their job to be sexual. Yeah. There's porn stars where I'd be like, I'd be like, I don't know if I can say no. I would say no, but man, if you want to be like a top two or three. Yeah.

Who are they? There's one girl that I was like, I was so in love with, not in love with that but like, but like, I just dug her, I followed her Instagram or her Snapchat or something. I was like, I remember her name. Come on. I don't remember her name, I mean, that's serious. Describe her.

I tell you her name. Uh, she's a DJ, she makes jewelry, she's got blonde hair, she's got small tits and a big bush. Anybody? Oh yeah, yeah, type that in. She got small tits and a big bush anybody Yeah, yeah type that in DJ jewelry porn star small Anyway, what if it comes up oh My god, it's Jesse Andrews. It's just the Andrews. Oh my god. Go back. It's just the Andrews. Holy shit

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit come, holy shit is Jesse Andrews. Okay. Holy shit. You're trying to DJ porn star jewelry, small tints, it's Jesse Andrews. Shut the fuck up. Oh my god, that is, let's try this one. I'm gonna describe a porn star, type it in. Do you really into her? Dude, I ended up being a fan of hers. Wait, which one is she?

She's got her fucking page. Go to her page, go to her Instagram page. Yeah, type in Jesse Andrews now. Oh my God, that is exactly who it is. That's so fucking funny. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous. This is her here? Yeah.

I think that's her. That doesn't look like her. Oh, that's her. This is her here? Yeah. I think that's her. That doesn't look like her. Oh, that's her. That's her? Yeah. And she's a porn star? Yeah, well, she was for like a minute. And then she started designing jewelry and modeling

and doing it being a DJ. All right. But it was like, you know what it was? This is gonna sound really crazy. But it's the same way social media allows you to get involved with someone's life. I was watching her transition out of porn starting to being a DJ and I was rooting for her. So in a weird way, I was like rooting for her to succeed. I still, like she posts nudes every now and then, I'd be like, fucking sweet, she's got a gray body and she's like totally natural and,

and I was like, I was rooting for her. Can you pull up some of her other work? Yeah, pull up some of her porn. Pretty aggressive blowjob this girl yet. Really? Yeah. Like Leanne? New. Ha ha ha.

Leanne gives a blowjob, she's afraid the SVU and it's gonna come in and check out. There's no evidence around. Everything's fucking tidy. Okay. This girl leaves evidence. She's like, ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, I did the one where her mascara is all over the place. Oh, a lot of lesbian stuff here. A lot of lesbian. I think she's a lesbian now. Okay. That's so funny you typed in small tits, DJ. This is one that looks like she's suffering. Can you go back?

See, go to the far right and she's bent over there. See, the face bent over. It looks like she's suffering. Can you go back? See go to the far right and she's been over there. See the face bent over looks like she's like that one. Is that oh? Yeah, that does it looks like she's taking a shit Yeah, can you click on the fucking dough? We're not gonna just watch the thumbnail Look at the size of that guys. Oh, no, she's happy never mind. Oh, she's happy Oh no, she's happy, never mind. Is there a happy? Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm sure. Yes, you're the lost girl. All right, what happens? There you go.

Yep, he's like, yeah. That's her, huh? Yeah. Look at that. Look at that eye contact. I know, Jesus Christ. She looks like I can't believe I'm really shooting this thing. She's.

Yeah. Yeah, she's pretty sexy, but she's, she, look at all natural, all natural. Yeah, she's, she's represented by, there's a guy who represents all these girls. Yeah. Um, what's his name? He's like a porn, like agent, he's like the porn agent. They all see the one that's right now, there's a guy that has a beard kind of looks like us. And every post is him with like 10 chicks in the keep.

You know I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? Josh, what is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? No, I'm asking. Typen Lansky. I like her.

I like, I'm a big fan of Christie Mack. So it was Ron, my tour bus driver. Christie Mack. We talk about Christie Mack a lot. She's super hot. She is fucking gorgeous. She is gorgeous and her body is like, Greg Lansky.

It was bizarre. Yeah. Like her, she's got abs but a big ass and then small thighs. Like, I mean, Ron and I talked, I spent a great deal of time talking. She was in Pittsburgh this weekend. You got spent a lot of time talking about her? and I talked about spending a great deal of time talking to her. She was in Pittsburgh this weekend. You guys spent a lot of time talking with her? We've talked about her a great deal.

Cause she was in Pittsburgh and we were going to Pittsburgh. She was the day of the day before and Ron's like, yo, he could call her Tina Mack. His name's Gregus, my name's Christina. Oh. And he's like, he knows her. He's like, oh, hit up Tina. Tell him we're running through.

Tell him we give her a ride back to LA. I'm driving back to LA. He's gonna drive her across the country. Ron's the best. Chrissy Mac, huh? So say you're everyone. And then Owen Gray. Owen.

Owen Gray might be. Is that a guy? Yeah, he might be the best porn star out there. Really? Dude, Owen Gray is, I watched a porn, I got stuck in porn. What the fuck? This is on your list dude watch

on gray fuck he is impressive like legit first of all you spend half the porn reading his tattoos his tattoos are awesome are they not look at that tattoo and then this guy fucks so impressively and I yeah He's got a hog on him and I I had I was talking about him on my podcast and I go yeah He's probably like some little guy with his dick only looks big because it's little and then he hit me up privately on on Twitter he goes I'm six three. I was like

That's a fucking big look at him fuck. Yeah, he's amazing look at her. I think she's really enjoying it She seems like it I Spend so much time reading his tattoos. Yeah, really look at his leg There's letters to go into black now. I see this is this face him with your like pimple popping shit You're like I love reading the artwork on his body dude. I I'm not even watching him fuck I'm looking at his arm tattoo and his new back tattoo shout out to only his new back. This is new back tattoo I can I'm a fan dude every porney does and by the way this is anyone look at his dick

That is him that is a six foot three man. That's a big dick, dude. That's a big dick. Yeah, that doesn't look anything like my dick. I'll tell you that. That looks nothing like my dick. Yeah, especially how she's gagging halfway down. Holy shit. You think we'll get... What's her name?

Kiera. Kiera Cole. Yep. I mean, that doesn't even look real. Since you know our B-singer. Look at his tattoo. Jesus, man, he is totally covered. I know, that doesn't even look real. Since you know, our B-singer. Look at his tattoos. Jesus man, he is totally covered. I know, right? Yeah.

He's like, let me get that fucking pillow. Oh, if he's gonna suffocate around. The pillow. Ha ha ha ha. Do you think smacking the ass on someone does anything? Yeah, someone, yeah. Yeah, on somebody. Somebody likes it.

I don't think he really does something for her, but do you think he's just like, do you think anything excites him anymore? No, I think he's dead inside. Yeah. I mean, do you realize, do you realize right now he's like, I'm losing my heart on?

I don't, yeah, I don't know. You gotta do something. Look at his like, look at his like, look at his like, yeah, what's that? It's all letters. It's all letters. It's like, it's all letters. It's like, it's all letters.

It's like, it's all letters. That's an angle. That is. That is quite you know, he directs these two I think he does Yeah, he's a pretty impressive guy. Yeah, look at his like I get obsessed with his leg tattoo. Okay. Oh, thanks What is going on there the alphabet? What the alphabet spills into darkness? I'm sure there's something esoteric I bet he reads he's being only porn star about that reads I'm sure there's something esoteric. I bet he reads. He's the only porn star I bet that reads. I love when you go into porn stars lives and you go, I'm always afraid I'm gonna run into a porn star.

Like, Christie Mack was just in Bali and I was like, what if I ran into Christie Mack in Bali? I know for a fact that any time I recognize a famous person, I'm always like, hey! Yeah. And then immediately, my wife would be like, how do you guys know each other? I'd be like She's an artist

Keep going I could watch porn all day long yeah I don't I'm not in love with her tattoo Look at this guy this is a pretty long fucking scene, it feels like. How long is this guy? This guy. Really? Oh, I guess we just been watching it for a while. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Let's get to the part that Josh doesn't like. It was the part. Come say goodbye. He doesn't like, it doesn't like just.

You know what he just doesn't like just. Uh-uh. He likes lesbian porn. What do you mean? Eighth grade? Oh, they cut it. Oh, because you want to get it. You want to get it.

Yeah. Come show. Well, he's really good at his job. He's going crazy fucking gang. Yeah. Yeah, yeah solid man. If you think, okay, ready? I'll six but top five. I don't you five.

I forget it. Comedians you'd like to see fuck. Just guys, just guys. Can't pick girls. Obviously we don't have all this. I don't know who he is. I mean, I told Whitney Cummings that she should direct a porn star with Owen Gray and her porn, her doll,

and she should direct it. I don't think she wants to do that. She doesn't, and I don't know why, because I think it would be if she was the director, right? Well, she's a director, she can direct it beautifully, and do a video where her doll lost her virginity. Do you think this is of any interest to Whitney, though? I don't know, can I tell you?

I want to take the idea, and I want to make a sex doll of me and have it fuck all the porn stars that I'm attracted to. But then do shots where it cuts to my face and I'm like, oh yeah, and then it cuts to the doll. Who you calling Whitney? Yeah, call Whitney. See if she wants to give out her... Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think she'll answer? I don't know. Hey. I'm going. Her phone shut off. Or she blocked me. She started a podcast. She was like, oh, you want to be on my podcast?

I was like, of course, obviously. She's like, what day can you do? I was like, I don't know, I can do like November 1st, she goes, I have Dave Grohl then. I'm like, how the fuck do you get start a podcast with Dave Grohl? You realize we all want Dave Grohl. Like, how the fuck did you get him so quickly? I haven't even done a podcast yet. I bet she's going to have an incredible list of this.

Can I tell you, I bet this podcast changes Whitney's life. I bet it turns her into like a, I bet she takes the direction Joe went with like supplements and like the podcast studio and taking it and like I'm in a compound of bow hunting. I bet she takes it to Oprah levels. I'm not even fucking joking. Whitney does nothing half ass. Nothing. I guarantee you she takes it.

I guarantee you she has a beauty line. She has a clothing line within a year, over under within a year. I bet she starts her podcast with advertisers. Probably true. She's got Dave Grolaner, first fucking episode. First one. I don't know if I'm allowed to tell everyone that. Can you believe his name out?

By the way, I think she might want to reveal who she has on her podcast. Can you guys check with Whitney, as well as just blowing her load? Can you try calling her? Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. What happened? Nothing.

I didn't sound like nothing. What's wrong? I just, I fucking, I don't, I need to start saying no to people. You know, I need a new phone number is what I I need is I just extend myself way too much to people yeah I ran into some guy and I was like we're showing out. I was like yeah, definitely And he was like you want to put golf. I was like sure then he just texted me. Hey man I got a room at the fourth season. Why don't you get you a room? I have no fucking idea And I'm spending the weekend with someone in a fucking room. Who does this? I have no idea. And I have such problems of competition

that I can't say no. I just go, sure, I guess we'll just stay in a room. All right, hold on a second. I one time, wait, wait, hold on one second. Let's call Whitney. And then I gotta tell you about the time I drove the waiting, waiting, waiting. Wait.

I drove the Vermont with a guy. I drove the Vermont with a guy. I drove the Vermont with a guy spend a weekend with a, hello. Hey, why didn't you answer my call? Tom with Tom, we're doing a podcast. Oh shit. Yeah, hey, I was talking about your podcast

and I mentioned the name you texted me and we can bleep it out, because we haven't aired this yet. But I was like, how the fuck did you get Dave Grohl will bleep it out again if you don't want anyone to know? No, it's okay. Okay, yeah. How the- How the fuck do you get Dave growl to start off with Whitney?

I just asked him. How do you know Dave growl? I think just from fuck. How do you meet Dave growl? He's from DC and I'm from DC. We have like a DC connection. Yeah, Jimmy Buffett's from Florida. I know only in the night fucking phone number.

Hey, Whitney Whitney, Tom and I are saying over under a year before you turn this podcast into your own Oprah network where you have a clothing line and a beauty line. What do you think, over under? I think the over under is I'm gonna be Tom's assistant. Oh Jesus, do you realize what you do for? Do you know what I kept saying to Whitney? I was like, you know, if this was the 1930s, your husband would be so successful.

Wait, let me, wait, Whitney. I almost talked to you. First of all, I just called you and went straight to voicemail, so I'm a little hurt. But I want to ask you, um, I'm on Highland, I'm on Highland. Bert has this idea that I was like, I'll just tell you what Bert and you I want you to react just genuinely He wants to know if you have any interest in directing a porn star to fuck the robot doll of you How much does it pay oh no? No, this is like it's a promo for your promo for you

You you hire this very impressive porn guy only gray. I can get him for you. He says tall Whitney He's tall and he's a really good. They can't ejaculate in it. It's very expensive Is there is there a way to get a guy to not ejaculate? Oh, yeah, he's got complete control He's got complete control. He'll do whatever you want. He'd have to come on it, not in it, because it's not a removable vagina. There you go. Do you think this is a good promo? Do you want to do this? Is it to promote birth fucking tour? No.

Oh, no. You're a fucking boss. It's uh, he thinks it's a good idea for you for you to do for you. I mean Oh, I don't know. I feel like people are kind of bored of the robot, but no one's seen anyone stuck to robot. When I have to pixelate it out. Whitney, Whitney, Whitney, you turn this into your sex tape. You take cutaways of your face. Oh That's smartest shit actually. Oh Shut the fuck. Oh my god. Now he's loading. He's Yes, yes, yes, he is I will say this he is the best at marketing of anybody doing this and

It's crazy. Yes, it is crazy. So now you get to say there's a Whitney sex tape. People are like, what the fuck? And then they go on and there's this porn guy and they're like, oh, shit, I know that guy. And then he's sitting there and he's plugging this fucking dog that looks like you. And then it's going like, I wish you could perform harder or whatever it does. But we need to give my robot a pop belly, like, bird, because that's what's making money now. That's true. That's why Bob's you're too skinny, no one cares. You can use me as a body double.

There you go. Then you can have the guy fuck bird for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We just throw this into a gay porn. Whitney, will you drag my first gay porn? We'll have the porn star fuck his belly button. There you go. Yeah. Oh, it's so creepy. It's a great idea, actually. Um, all right. Who's this porn star? is belly button. There you go. Yeah. Oh, it's a great idea actually. I'll let you all right Who's this point sir? What's his name? Oh and gray? You should go look at it fucking impressive. Oh Great. Is that's one with the birthmark on a stick?

No, no, but I actually we learned something Google porn star birthmark dick You know that we did this and they came up it comes up exactly with who you're talking about That's so crazy. There's a guy that has a birthmark on his dick and it's very distracting. Are you? I don't even wonder if that's why it's that's his state. Like is that why he got, you had to overcompensate? No, no, no. Come upon start.

This guy has, tell us all tied it up. This guy's got covered in tattoos, his calf is black and then it comes out from black into letters that run up his thigh He's got a tree on one arm of the other arms like it's just insane So would he let me tattoo my tour dates on him for the sex day. See this is like you I'm trying to think like you that is so smart Whitney. Yes, the that is fucking genius. Oh, I might get that tattoo What's the name your podcast you know the name yet Hello You lost her

It's a really dramatic pause Now you lost her Whitney We're talking about right before this? Um, what were we talking about right before this? You were talking about, I was about to go, tell me about the time, I was about to tell you about the time I, oh fucking, what was I saying right before this, like, oh, let me tell you about the time I dot, dot, dot. Something like about a well and a Jewish girl or something.

No, what was I fucking saying? I don't know. God damn it. I just remember talking to... Oh, you were all on the fucking Owen guy. Oh yeah, no, I'm off him. Isn't that crazy that we just... It's types in jewelry, DJ, smelt, sports star.

And she came up with the birthmark dick. Birthmark dick didn't come out. I guess there's a lot of birthmark dick porn stars. Yeah. Because the thing about all the amount of gay porn in this shot, I bet there's tons of birth mark dicks. Probably. Yeah.

And I bet there's a lot of, like, burn marks on dicks that they're like, it's a birthmark. Burn marks? Yeah, like from like burning off orbs or whatever. Oh, yeah. Do you think of, what percentage of porn stars do you think no what percentage of porn I mean no I didn't mean to like shame anyone with an STD. Yeah. No. I've had an STD though. What'd you have? The clap. I've only had sex with two girls. I got it from her. What how are you? She got it from horseback riding. It was crazy. How did he say, how are you?

I think that's a sign-fold joke. Do you take your shirt off because you're excited? I get excited. When you got a compliment, she was like, that's a great idea. You got like, really? I lost my shit. Yeah, I was 22.

It was no, it was, no, it was 20, no, it was 22, it was right back, when I got back from Russia. And so on campus or what? Yeah, on campus, so went to the doctor and they were like, hey, you got a clap. I was like, no, you might want to tell us because you don't want to tell us that.

Just trust me. When you take pills, and then clear it up. Yeah, clear it right up. Didn't you have got to read it too? No, the same same. Oh, that is good. I think the midi is the clap. Yeah, that is.

Yeah, I don't know. I actually really don't know what I had to be dead on with you. Wait a minute, you just said it would. Whatever I know, I know, I know. But you know how you tell a story and then everything kind of mull folds into like whatever it comes out of your mouth easiest?

Do you know what, I know somebody who a doctor didn't diagnose them correctly? And he went to the doctor and they were like, oh, that's nothing. He was like, oh, because it's, I thought it looked like it was in the general area. And he was like, no, there's just, you have moles, man, like people have moles.

And he was like, oh, okay. And then at a certain point, he was like, can I get the like one or two removed, you know, and they were like, yeah, sure. Got them removed after a while they came back. And he was like, moles, don't like usually do that. So he went back and the doctor was like, yeah, sure. Got them removed after a while they came back. He was like, moles don't like usually do that. So he went back and the doctor was like, that's weird. But yeah, no, they're not,

like the same doctor was like, it's not an S. He's a real, and he went, who's the guy? I can't say who. But then he said, I can't say. His name won't cut it out. No, but then he,

so he finally goes to another doctor. This is after like a decade. So it's been a long time. And another doctor was like, you have warts. These are general warts. He's like, what? And he's like, you have general warts. It's not that uncommon.

And he's like, these are moles. He's like, those aren't moles. I don't know. Those are moles. And, no one has frinkles on their dinner. And here's what's the what think this guy is married and his wife is like immune to whatever he has. She doesn't get it. Okay, she got the HPV shot. Mm-hmm. It's just her own, you know, some people get HPV. I think HPV is warts in general. If you get warts, I think you're prone to general warts.

Don't know anything. I get warts. I don't have general warts. I've got're prone to general words. Don't know anything I get I get war it's by no. I'm general words. I've got I've got war to my whole life Where my fingers and my elbows really my toes I want on my toe I had it when I was a kid. I used to love picking out a seedwort. Oh Okay, every time you talk I love seed words. Yeah, let's see if drew a answer No, oh she should be we don't need to call Wendy back, right? We should call her back, but let's see what he says. What was I just saying right before the break? I was like, right before we went to that thing,

I wanted to tell you such a good story. Off mic, it was like Asians, they never shut up. And they're like, who are you calling? Drew, about what? Just about dick stuff. I wonder, Sasuke, what's more common? Comedia or gonorrhea? I think gonorrhea is like a tough one to get. You gotta be like, trench warfare or something.

I'm sorry I'm not available. I'm so professional. Hi, I'm sorry I'm not available at this moment. If this is an emergency, please call 911. He really wants you to read that book. Oh, yeah, fuck it. Never read that. No, no, I'm an anomaly, bro. I'm not, I'm not with like the problem with the problem with my brain is the thing that I got also is the thing that all addicts have. We were like, I'm stronger than that. I can beat it.

We're like, I definitely am like, I'm never gonna fucking quit drinking. So I always wanna be able to have a drink. Yeah, you told me this. So I'm gonna transition into a edible marijuana. You know what, I wanna try? What fentanyl? Dude, I, we tried those dilated pills.

There's basically heroin. I couldn't even feel it. That's a good sign. I think I can't feel like pain pills. Like I don't feel pain pills. Like I don't get any of my- You should try getting more of them. No, but I've had them

I they don't get me high really yeah, this is cool I'm emergency Xanax in here. Oh really? Yeah, if you have a panic attack Let's try to get there today So I was around the plane today really yeah, I can be honest with you flying this month as sober as much as I haven't I've been flying Every week you look good there. You look kind of scared. It was because a rushing guy in front of me They they would go one two three and they go cheese and he go hey Like he'd like pop us up and I was and I went after him and they did it and we were laughing at him But not like mean, but like everyone was laughing like no, sir, sir You just keep your face normal and I speak a little Russian so laughing at him, but not like mean, but like, everyone was laughing and like,

no, sir, sir, you just keep your face normal and I speak a little Russian, so I was trying to tell him like, to stop. And he was like, huh? And he was like, I didn't do all of it. I just kind of forget how to say it, kind of three. But he kept going, hey, when they'd click it. And so then they go, all right, now, sir, you,

one, two, three, and I went I went, hey, you look scared. I do look scared. I look skinny though. How long ago is that? This was a while ago. This is where you can tell. Well, here you can tell. You can tell by the expiration.

I was back when I was friends with Billy Crudup. Oh yeah, this expires in two years. So this is eight years old probably, right? Wow, real? Yeah. Dude, are they 10 year windows on these? Yeah, I think so. Maybe 15.

No, not 15. No one's 20. It says you're 225. By the way, that's back when I never weighed myself. So, I used to think that 225 was a desirable weight. I used to? I used to think that, like, as an adult, you should want to weigh 225. I was like, if I could just get to 220 for my special, 215.

Can I tell you how I thought about sober October? I was like, if I can get to 212, then 205, I can diet myself and get myself sick there. Like eat something poisonous. Throw myself up to 205. That's it. I wish I could remember the fucking story I wanted to tell you. It was so fucking, it was such a good story. It was about a girl maybe? What were we talking about anyway?

And we call the end. What? We call the end. Who? Why? Why, what are we gonna call her for? If we can get in trouble. Let's review the B.J.

Let's talk about these scenarios. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, we're not gonna, let her watch it on her own. Like her like she has to. So do you think pushing the end's podcast is now over forever, right? I think they're gonna keep doing it Can you financially pull the plug on that? I'm fucking done. I am done with my wife talking. Yeah Sure, yeah, she's, Bert is kind of the worst. She's fucking calling him a

meme a misogynist every chance she gets. I'm like, whoa, steer into the fucking skin. Fucking the fuck you doing there, Tonya Harding. Yeah. And she's always like what a nightmare. She's like, he leaves it on the ground. He comes out. He just walks out., no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, well, sometimes, by the way, she said this, Tom, and I didn't even know this was a thing. She goes, sometimes when you're drunk and we'll kiss, like I'll try to lead you in a direction of how I want to kiss and you won't listen to me.

And I'm like, what do you mean, listen to you? She's like, you know, like when we'll start kissing, like I'll be like, oh, let's kiss like this and you just do it your way. And I was like, Tom, I didn't know she was doing that at all for our whole marriage. Wait, what? She would, like, we would start kissing

and then she would want to like lead and kiss a certain way. And you would be like, and I would read her body and kiss that way. I've never once in my life read her kiss ever. Like I've never once, have you ever read push his kiss like where she goes, I wanna kiss like this and you go, I just have one way to kiss, it's like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Like tongue in the mouth, like fucking, like,

so she put- But I'm trying to understand where this, like she's saying that, like, as you're sober, we can call her a- Yeah, I wanna understand. By the way, she's gonna be in the car with Georgia, I bet You want Who's this?

Who is this? Hi, Laura. Oh, I never find Jesus Christ. Thank God, I almost asked Tyler. Yeah, hi, I love you. Hey, I love you. I'm with Tommy. We're doing a podcast. Are you with mom?

I kind of see him being haunted. What? I'm being haunted. OK, all right. I love you. I'll see you a little bit, OK? OK, I love you. What are you doing? I'm not going to get it straight answered with the kids' okay. Okay. Okay. I'm not gonna get it straight answer with the kids around.

Yeah. She sounded kind of sad. Who? Aila? Yeah, for you. Yeah, she fucking loves me today. Yeah. I did a six mile run and on the run, I ran to her school. 888 calories. Still got a fucking nine.

I can't get my heart rate up because my blood pressure medicine. Oh. My heart rate will not get past 135. I cannot get it past one. I'm a full fucking sprint on the spin bike. Are you serious? My heart rate's at 135. That's how that medication works. Yeah, and I think it's so you don't have a stroke

and I think that's how they do it. Is they lower your blood pressure in a place where you just fucking your heart doesn't do anything. But this says your max heart rate's 186. That's real? Yeah. Here, your max heart rate is 186. That's... For real? Yeah. Here, I'll show you my workout today.

Look at this. Where? How do I get to? Woo. Hmm. Where's my... Here, average heart rate. Okay.

68 is my average heart rate today. How do I get to... How do I show you my heart rate for the day? I don't know. Your HRB is terrible today. My everything's terrible. I can't fucking goddamn it, whoop. Anyway, but my point is not my heart rate. My point is I picked up root beers for me and Ila.

After the run and I met her at school with two root beers. And she was like, oh, and then Ila gets, my Ila, after the run, and I met her at school with two root beers, and she was like, oh! And then Ila got my brain sadly, and she's like, oh, let's not use them yet. Let's make root beer floats when we get home. And I was like, my head, I'm like, do you have any idea how many calories on a root beer float? She was like, Dad, make root beer floats.

We'll get special glasses, and I'm like, oh my God! I feel like, I was junkie talking to another junkie about. She's like, let's wait till we get home to tie off that funny because she Looks like her mom Like like me acts like you 100% Georgia. I actually yeah, she's very measured Georgia would never have a root beer float. No Georgia's never had anything but water in her life. I don't understand this I never had a soda never had juice. How is it possible? She's had milk maybe how's that possible? I don't understand this. She never had a soda, never had juice. How is it possible? She's had milk maybe. How's that possible? I don't know. She's fucking dead inside. She's just like, she's fucking doesn't want like we'll open root beers and she'll just do it. She'll be like,

she's like I'll just have a glass of water. She's never tried a coke. She's never put ice in her water. She's never had a coke. Never had a coke wanted to try a simple one never ever one in care to she's like it does gross All right, yeah, I mean good for her. No, it's great. It's us. So she's super healthy. She's super healthy She eats like very like rational like she loves she loves apples. Is that that Leanne eats too? Oh? Yeah, Leanne will have half a piece of toast. One egg, one egg. Who the fuck makes one egg? Who makes an egg? Like just in the chance that you'd want a little more than one,

you make two eggs. Right. And then you leave some on the plate and you throw it away. Who makes one egg and goes, that's it for me. I'm good with one egg and three strawberries and half a piece of toast. How many eggs do you have when you eat? Four or five?

Yeah. Probably five. Five easily. Like a good cup of milk splashed in there, so they're all thick. And then cheese. And put some bacon or I put something in there and then hot sauce all over it.

I put it in a burrito. If we're gonna be real, I'm gonna put it in a burrito. I'm gonna have a fucking burrito with it. Who wants just eggs? Let's go. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I love breakfast.

I love. Hands down. I get like Christina was like, I feel like you could eat this like breakfast every day for everyone. I was like, yeah, I could eat it three times a day. My mouth is watering right now. Yeah. Watering, watering.

Dude, my face. I can eat steak like, I, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my Yeah, that changes everything a meet the mom I never was a meet the mom or guy do to meet the mom and you're like Oh, they're done and you're like in your head. You're like they don't seem done, but they are oh Dude I could eat I could eat corn beef and that corn beef hash Yeah, three eggs over easy on top of them. We catch up on the side. Yeah every fucking me you should do it for a week Let's do it for a week. I would love that I think they came out, but let's see how sick you feel after a week If you're like I mean this 20 times this week I bet I wouldn't really I bet I wouldn't my mouse watering right now. I love

Can I tell you I almost bought McDonald's on the way here? Yeah. Cause there's McDonald's on the right here and I thought, I thought, maybe I'll just buy like, fucking 30 cheeseburgers and go home with them and go who wants fucking McDonald's? McDonald's cheeseburgers are so good. Liam would be so upset.

So mad, why would you get 30 cheeseburgers? You go why the fuck not? Cause yeah, cause I'm not gonna have one egg, one egg. Yeah, that's more than I'll have. That's Leanne, anytime you make a bowl of possible, oh that's too much for me, take half of that out. You're like, huh? And she's not hungry ever?

No, she just has a good, she came up today, she goes, I lost five pounds. I said, how? She goes, I don't know. I was like, I remember when we used to go to your house when your girls were young and you would cook, you would always make feast. Dude, I make it for a gang of soldiers. I make food. I don't understand. They, and the same way when it comes to like a grocery run, if she's like, oh, there's people

coming over. It's like who's coming over? Like a couple, let's say, I'll be like great. And I'll come back and she's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, well, I got 12 bottles of wine. She's like, yes for us. Oh, the best. Yeah, and then if it was like, if it was stakes, I'd be like, I bought eight porter houses.

I got a couple ribbots. She's like, why are you doing this? I'm like, I just don't want to come out short. Like I don't want to be like, oh, I don't have enough for you. To what I do is I get those big Spencer steaks, the big like two inch thick ones. I get three of those and then I get Chilean sea bass, like two big ones.

And I basically, syrup the steaks of Spencer's cooked a Chilean sea bass and then I slice the Spencer's, medium rare, fan them out and then you got sea bass and then I sliced the spansers, medium rare, fan them out, and then you got sea bass and steak and everyone takes food home. I don't understand people who just buy just the right amount. Or some of the orders of pizza and goes, well, we got five people, we'll just get one pizza

and you go, hold on, sorry, get five pizzas. Then we've got five people, everyone asks everyone what they want and then we'll all get one pizza. Yeah. Who the fuck wants, who doesn't want leftover pizza? There's nothing worse, by the way, than like, are we eating?

And let's say it's pizza, and you go, like, to get another slice, and they're like, we're out of pizza. And you're like, Jesus Christ. So, everyone here gets a slice in a half. Everyone's getting a slice of pizza? Dude, we went to this burger place in Buffalo, and everyone orders a burger,

and I just looked at everyone. It was like a gourmet burger place, and I go, okay, for the record, I'm ordering three burgers. And they're like, for what? I'm gonna cut a corner out of each and try and hold on. And then you guys can all try them. And then everyone's like, oh, I wouldn't mind that. You're like, yeah, that's how you should eat.

Everyone get a little bit. Yeah, go cruise skis on it. I agree. It's the end of the month. November's here. We're both shooting specials in November now. It's the end of October I should say. Here's what's coming up for me. I will be in Kingston, New York, November 6th. Late show has some tickets at the Beacon Theatre, November 7th in New York. Late show at the Parks Casino in Ben Salem has some tickets November 8th, November 10th,

I'm in Syracuse, then let's see, a few tickets might be available, still the 13th in Charlotte, and then I'm shooting in Austin, thanks everybody coming to the show, we should have Austin, Texas, yep. At the ACA, Austin City Limits, the Moody Theater. Whoa.

Yeah, I'm excited, man. Holy shit. And then, in November, late November, I have Melbourne and Miami, and then December, late show in Columbus has a few tickets left, and I'm in Windsor, Ontario, also. Go to TomSugurra.com slash tour for all the tickets. Thanks to everybody in Australia for selling out the tour there. Tickets available still in Auckland, New Zealand. And...

Were you even canceled that yet? I've not, no, not yet. Wow. You didn't do that in the last minute then, huh? You do it like a couple nights before. Oh, cool. Where are you gonna be, buddy? Body Shots World Tour since in Adi Ohio, November 7th.

Columbus on the eighth two shows, both of those, two shows in Chicago at the Chicago Theater, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Fresno. Wait, where are you just in Columbus? Yeah, it was. No, no, no, I wasn't. Well, I wasn't. Fresno, Reno, Las Vegas, Salt Lake City, Cleveland. I am guessing I've added two shows on Sunday in Cleveland.

I haven't, and when we shot this, I hadn't greenlit it, but I think I've already greenlit it. So we've added two shows on Sunday. And by the way, if we haven't, ooh, that was awkward. And I've added one nighters every night. Those will be on my Instagram and on my community. I'm, I think Dayton, I'm doing one.

What are you gonna do him? Community, I'm, I think Dayton, I'm doing one. Do him one it in Indianapolis at crackers or more is maybe. Just plug both clubs. Plug both clubs. Plug rival clubs. Yeah. I'm doing all my-

I'm doing all my- One of the two. The Met's Yake, he's playing ball. So, I'm doing one thaters all through November at clubs. So come see me, I'm working on this hour. And then we've added those shows November 24th in Cleveland. Oh, now it's confirmed. At the Agora, it's confirmed.

It's confirmed, two shows, Sunday night. Get your tickets, Body Shots World Tour. And then, yeah, and then. We reordered by the way, I think four times the Thick Boy Nation hoodies. So thanks for Thick Boy Nation. We reordered by the way, I think four times the thick boy nation hoodies, so thanks to thick boy nation. We got the official two bears shirt, we got two bears one hat, one cave hats. And thanks everybody for getting that stuff and for watching here and for downloading, listening, subscribing, rating.

Make sure to use our cell phones to call us minds 3-2 2 0 8 0 8 4 4 toms is 8 1 8 5 8 1 8 2 5s. No God it's 8 1 8 2 7 5 5 5 2 6 god damn it. I'm bad. I'm just like all right. All right. Thank you guys. Thanks bird love you love you two brother Love you too, brother. Amateur, Pertology, Dirty jokes, Rancho Himmer, No Apologies Here's what we call, Two Bears One Cave